Handcuffing Myself to My Ex-Wife

What's up guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I talk about stuff while my nipples are in his mouth. Yep. Jason, how are you? I'm good. You're good. Okay. This episode of Views is sponsored by Opinion Outpost. Market research is a $50 billion industry each year.

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That's opinionoutpost.com/v-i-e-w-s. And we thank them for sponsoring Views. Hi, Bruce. Roll the intro music before Jason collapses and dies. All right, that was Bruce's intro song. I'm joined with Jason for this podcast like I am every week. Um, today Jason has a dick in his mouth or something. What's wrong with your voice, bro?

I was shooting your vlog today and I was working hard and I was screaming for you, so I needed to—

so for dessert you put a dick in your mouth. It doesn't explain why your voice is like that.

I asked you not to mention when I put dicks in my mouth, and it doesn't—

Let me tell you guys, we were almost about to start recording this podcast like 20 minutes ago, but Jason's kid had to come in the room and talk about her tummy ache.

And selfish. And David has no concept of what it's like to be responsible for other people.

Well, your daughter—

He worries about himself.

Your daughter has no concept for what it takes to put food on the table. And that's letting the tummy ache go and letting Daddy go to work.

Well, my daughter doesn't like you.

I was just joking. Way to make it real.

No, she likes you. Of course she likes you.

No, she gives me major attitude. I know she doesn't like me.

That's not true.

No, at first—

No, she's being funny.

Also, don't bring this up around her. I don't want her to think that I don't think that she likes me, because then it's going to make me seem weak. But no, at first it was like she was joking that she doesn't like me, but now it's gotten to a point where she's convinced herself that she doesn't like me.

No, you're off.

Yeah, I am.

No, you're way off. We— you're way off at all. She talks about you all the freaking time.

Okay.

And when you were coming over the other night, she was going to bed. It was a major problem that Marnie wouldn't let her come downstairs and say hello to you.

Okay, here's the thing. I take back, um, the note I left on her door this morning. I think— I think fuck you, I never want to talk to you again was a little harsh for a 10-year-old.

I agree.

And I hope she didn't get to read that. Can she read? Oh yeah, that's a bummer.

Okay, I, I, I, when I found it, I, I thought to myself, David, he needs to see someone. Yeah, you need to talk to somebody.

No, it's, it's, it's bothering me.

And she's 8.

She is. Oh, she's 8, not 10.

Oh, you should know that. I don't care. Zane doesn't know her name either.

Zane doesn't know her name?

Our friend Zane.

I'll be honest with you, I didn't know her name for a while.

Well, maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's what she hates you.

Well, Catherine's a good girl, so let's stop talking about her. Oh, is her name Charlie?

Yeah, you got it right now.

Um, guys, we just had a brand new sponsor on this show.

How incredible is Yeah, Opinion Outpost.

Things are looking good, guys. And when we do read these sponsors, go ahead and visit the websites because I feel like we've been getting some feedback and these people are like, hey, um, your listeners aren't visiting shit.

Oh yeah, well, let's— yeah, go, go see it. OpinionOutpost.com/views.

Yeah, go check them out. Even if you don't like, you know, use their service, just go, go to the link and check it out. Yeah, maybe you'll like it.

I think it's hard when you don't see something, you can't click on it. Yeah, yeah.

What's with your voice though? Is because just you've been busy all day, bro.

You like to act like we don't shoot vlogs and you don't— David does this thing where he doesn't bring up the fact that we shoot YouTube videos on the show, which I respect because I don't want it to be all about that. But let's just be real, we had 25 bricks of cocaine in here today, $3,000 in cash, and, uh, a Guatemalan woman who doesn't speak English screaming into fake cops. So cut me some fucking slack.

You're right, you're right.

I was screaming.

No, I know, I know. It was, it was a good day. It was a, it was a good day. I'm sick too, to honest. So that's my coffee.

You sound good though.

Um, tell me this, tell me, the other day you handcuffed yourself to your ex-wife.

Yeah.

Tell me about that. You haven't posted it yet?

No, I haven't posted it yet. It was hard because like we all thought that this would be a great idea.

Did you have a boner the entire time?

Yeah, yeah, of course. I always have a boner every day.

I guess you're right.

Except when I'm around you. Yeah, other guys' boners Girls, boners, it goes right down.

When you see me? What was the toughest part about being handcuffed to your wife?

She just, she was a good sport about it. She took forever. So I wanted to start at like 1 o'clock and she's like, well, I can't start yet. I haven't had my makeup on yet. And I was like, well, that's the point. See, we made this deal, everybody, where I would pay for her stucco on her house. So she's just not the kind of person that wants to be in YouTube videos.

Stucco is like something on the wall. It's like repainting the wall, basically.

Yeah, and but the thing is, David, she's really funny.

No, I believe you, I believe you. I've only met her a couple times and she seems great.

Um, and she would be great in the videos.

Yeah, and, and the premise of the video was for you to handcuff yourself to your ex-wife for 24 hours.

Yeah, and then, and then when we finally did it, she was a really good sport about it. She was like, you know, like, really good sport. We picked up her mom, we took her mom to dinner, and, uh, oh, while you were handcuffed? Yeah, we went to Whole Foods, we went all around Whole Foods.

Did it make you feel— did you, did you feel a connection to her? Like, were you closer to her? Did you feel like—

it was like being with your best friend.

Wow.

Yeah, that's what it was like. Which was—

that's deep. But she has a boyfriend now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I mean, I'm just like rubbing it in your face.

Yeah, yeah.

But she's having sex with another guy now.

You— we've talked about this. I mean, I just— there's just no— there's no, like, you know, it's not that kind of feeling. It's just—

no, it's amazing. You still— you still respect her and you don't care if she's with other people. I would not make those jokes if you actually felt bad about it.

Yeah, having a boyfriend. I don't feel bad about it. I'm happy for her. I know I'm never gonna meet anybody. So I'm— sometimes I go to myself, you don't worry, you're not the only one. Someone already— that's a— that's crazy.

It's not that hard. She was probably planning like for her exit, maybe like 4 years into your— into your marriage. You were married for 10 years. Yeah, probably within 4 years she was already like, okay, what's my game plan for when I get out of this shit?

You know what, I don't mean this, and I mean this as a compliment towards her, that's the type of person she is. She's— she will plan. I don't think she did that, but I— she plans everything. And she just, yeah, she's a Type A personality. That was why our marriage didn't work.

3 years before your marriage ends, she's already at bars. Hey, can I grab your number? I'll text you in about 3 years when my marriage fails. No, that's not true.

She was really, she was in it till the end. She tried to save it.

No, it's amazing.

And I really did.

I really respect you guys' relationship. I was saving a joke for when you guys came over with the handcuffs.

Yeah.

And it was, I mean, I'm still going to say it because you guys may, you guys may do more of the handcuffs.

We're going to do it again.

Yeah. So my joke is, is, hey, this is funny. Is this symbolizing the last 5 years of your relationship?

Symbolizing?

Symbolizing.

Oh, symbolizing.

Because you two in handcuffs. I was wondering if it made sense. Yeah, I kind of wanted your feedback before I said it on the vlog.

It symbolized—

it symbolizes like you, like you guys being locked down and locked to each other even though you guys want to be apart.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe it wasn't a fun hit.

It was just maybe too real.

I don't know how funny it is. It's more like, you know, esoteric.

Like, oh yeah, cool, esoteric.

Yeah, cool, man.

No, but seriously, I love Jason and his ex-wife. I don't get to talk to his ex-wife a lot, but she wanted you to come over. I get nervous.

She invited you. Don't be nervous.

Really?

Yeah, she knows that, like, you know, you've— how much, you know, you've done for me.

And you know how cute I am? Yeah, she does.

Everybody does.

And she's not nervous at all?

No, she doesn't get nervous around anyone.

Even though I'm adorable?

Yeah, like maybe she'll leave her boyfriend for you.

Really?

That would be something.

I have a girlfriend. That actually be really funny.

That would be the funniest.

That'd be hilarious.

That'd be the biggest stake in my heart.

I feel like that'd be so funny that Liza would even be like— my girlfriend would even be like, go for it.

Yeah, yeah, just for the joke.

Let's get back at Jason.

But she wouldn't let me, like, obviously she wouldn't, like, she didn't want me to go to the bathroom with her. She wouldn't let me shoot her doing makeup. She wouldn't let me sleep with her, obviously.

Jason's like, the only part of— the only point of that whole video was for me to sleep with her. Yeah, wouldn't let me do it.

In my mind, I was like, when she agreed to the video, I was like, well, that's part of it. And we also just got really tired.

And she never ended up sleeping with you?

I'm tired, man.

Fair enough.

You hosted a sweet 16 when I was doing stand-up, and, uh, I did stand-up one night, and this mom saw me And she said, oh, you're funny. She's like, you want to come host my daughter's sweet 16? Jesus Christ, for $250.

Wow.

Which was a lot of money.

No, no. Yeah, that's a lot. How many hours would a sweet 16 be?

And I'd be there for 3, 4 hours. Wow. So I go and I'm like, okay, cool. So I was gonna like do my act. The girl calls me, the 16-year-old calls me.

Yeah.

And she's like, I want to roast my friends. You won't—

wait, what?

She's like, I want to roast my friends.

How long ago was this?

This is probably 5— no, no, no, it was longer than that. Probably 10 years ago. Wow.

And she wanted to roast her friends?

Yeah, it was right around the time Pamela Anderson was roasted.

Wow. Okay, so it was like a popular thing.

Roasts just came out on Comedy Central and they were, they were pretty big.

She wanted to make fun of her friends?

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

So she gave me all this information about her friends.

Yeah, I like to make fun of them.

And I was all psyched because I was like, oh cool, I don't, I don't have to do my material which like might not hit with 16-year-olds. Yeah, this is gonna be awesome. So then I went there and I got up on stage and kids, they can't be roasted. Teens.

What do you mean?

You can't make fun of teens because, because they're just insecure.

They're insecure.

Yeah. And so I remember there was a girl who was known for like chewing pens.

Okay.

And the ink would explode all over her mouth.

Like this girl that was having the party gave you the information?

About another girl.

About another girl. And she was like, hey, make fun of her for this.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Okay, what'd you say?

And I said something like, uh, I like, like, I pulled the pen out and I was like, oh my God, I'm Hannah, or whatever, or something like that.

Yeah.

And like, people laughed.

She was known for pens exploding in her mouth? Yeah. What the hell is wrong with her? Was she an octopus? Just ink all in her mouth?

Yeah.

Jesus.

She started crying. Whoa. And she ran off to the bathroom and everyone like followed her and she started crying. Yeah, yeah. And then it just, it just fucking went awful.

Holy shit. What did you, what did you do when she started crying? Did she start crying right in front of you?

Yeah, right in front of me, front row. And then I was like, I would have— in a normal stand-up set you could just leave, you know, like you have a bad set, you're like, oh fuck it. But I had to stay and cut the cake, so I sat there all night and they They just looked at me.

Did you ever go up to her and talk to her?

No, because I didn't think to.

You were scared that she was gonna eat your pens?

Yeah, and the mom didn't watch the roast, so she came up to me after and she was like, "Cool, cool, stick around and cut the cake." Oh, she had no idea that it was awful. But then eventually she'd heard about it and just kicked me out. Did you get laid? Yeah, I fucked the mom.

Did you?

Mm-hmm.

Wait, seriously?

Right there in front of everybody.

Oh, you mean that's what actually made people start crying?

Yeah. Ah. That's my sweet 16 story.

That's, that's incredible.

You ever do acid?

No.

I have.

At the Sweet 16?

I can tell.

You've done acid?

Sure.

Okay, go tell me about the acid story.

I've done acid like a couple times. It was pretty dope.

Yeah. And is acid illegal?

Yeah.

Can you get in trouble for this?

I mean, it was in college. I haven't done it since. I couldn't do it now.

It was college. Everything was legal back then. Okay. Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah.

So you did acid?

I did acid. We'll probably cut all this.

And what is that?

It's like a white piece of paper that sends you to the moon.

It just sends you to them? What do you mean?

It's like a little tab you like put on your tongue and you eat it and you become an astronaut. Yeah, it's crazy that paper can make you high for 12 hours.

Really?

Yeah, like make you hallucinate. I once saw, um, a Rolling—

just like Cash Money.

I once saw Rolling Stone covers all talk to me.

Wait, what?

Someone had like a collection of Rolling Stone magazines People on the covers of the magazine started talking to you? Yeah, singing, singing their songs.

So you— how old were you when you took this acid?

I was like 22.

You're 22 years old at the time?

There was Jacob— I remember it was Jacob Dylan, who was Bob Dylan's son. He had like a big song and he started singing to me. That was pretty dope.

What do you mean he started singing to you?

I mean, his mouth started moving and the song— because I started hearing the song.

Shut the fuck up.

And he was like, one headlight So long ago, I don't remember.

You want to ask me right now? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm on my new medication today. You are on your new medication.

What's the new medication?

I'm not asking about you at all.

Well, what's the medication called? Because you seem a little loopy.

It's called lamotrigine.

What is that?

It's generic heroin. It's generic for Lamictal. What's Lamictal? It's like a bipolar medication. You keep saying more words.

It's scary. When have I been bipolar?

Um, you'll, you'll go from, you'll go from being very happy to being very like out.

Yeah.

Yeah, and that's, it's, it's kind of disappointing. That's disappointing, more like depressing. It's like, it's like it bums me out. It's like, damn, he was, he was having such a high and now he's like so low. I've seen it a couple times.

Yeah, like the other night. Yeah, just tired from—

I know, but you get tired really quick. So how long have you been bipolar?

I don't know, probably like 5 years. They diagnosed me like 4 years ago, and they started taking this medication, and it was awesome. And then I stopped for the last like 3, 4 months.

I had a friend, I had a friend once who had anger management issues. Yeah, and this was— I don't know if I've told the story before.

Do I know him?

No, this was in like in like the 5th grade, so I didn't know what anger management was.

You had anger management in the 5th grade?

Oh, like serious anger management. And we're sitting at the art table, we were painting stuff, and he's like, "Yeah, I have anger management." And I'm like, "What's anger management?" And he's like, "You don't know what anger management is?!" Like, I swear to God, he started yelling at me, and the teacher had to come over to calm him down because it was that serious.

They give him Ritalin or anything?

No, I don't know what they gave him. I didn't know him, and then he was one of my best friends, and that was the first time he had an outbreak.

Split ass outburst.

Outburst, sorry. Wow. Well, he also had acne. The second, the second I talked—

Freudian slip there. Yeah, said outbreak because he had pimples.

He had pimples and he had an outburst. Um, no, but it scared the crap out of me. And ever since then, I've— I really respect people with, um, anger management, which I think you have too, by the way.

Why respect people with anger management? You mean people that work on their anger? Yeah. You think I have anger problems?

No, you, you're definitely just bipolar, but like in a cool way. Like, it's all dope.

I mean, like, I, I'm sorry it bums you out when my fucking It doesn't bother me. Ailment fucking hits over me.

No, it doesn't bum me out for me. It bums me out about you.

Why don't you make it honorable? Oh, it bums out for me. I mean, like, it's a bummer. It's a bummer when you guys are like hanging out at like—

dude, it really fucking like puts me out of the mood when you're bipolar, dude.

It's a bummer, dude.

It's like, it's so hard having you around and then you have your bipolar attack. Like, it sucks.

Here's what happens. You guys hang out until like 11, 11:30. Yeah, I know. You guys hang out till like 2. I just— I'll just be fucking trashed the next day. And you were trashed the next day.

I'm trashed every day.

You went to bed for 4 hours, one of the 4 most precious hours in the day. And you know daylight is not the same right now. We're losing minutes every day.

I know.

So you, that next day when you were like making fun of me for going home, you went to sleep for 4 hours.

Because I think the best— Bitch. I like staying up late because I think that's when the best clips are filmed, is the later you stay up because that's when people get more, that's when people start to feel themselves the most. But you're an older gentleman in his 60s who starts to power down after 7 PM. That's bullshit.

What? 11 AM, I drive my kids to school. I'm a fucking father. Really?

Because the other day your kids waited at your ex-wife's house waiting to get picked up because you fell asleep.

And I fucking felt great that day. Yeah, I felt so good.

Why don't you go and ask your kids how they felt that day being left alone, stranded without their father driving them to school?

Like, their mom was fine. Their mom took them.

Their mom was fine.

They actually were scouted by American Idol that day. Really?

Simon Cowell was driving by when they were waiting outside your ex-wife's house and you didn't pick them up. It was good because they were waiting out there so long that Simon Cowell drove by.

Yeah, and he picked them up.

And now what?

And now they're in Black Eyed Peas. Are you serious?

Yeah.

Again, running, running, running, running, running. Did they write that song? Yeah, that's why I'm singing it.

Holy shit, congrats, dude. I didn't mean to pick apart your family. Like, let's get it started. Oh, that does sound like Charlie.

Card it in here. Hey, Dave just farted. I fucked—

fuck these jokes.

No, but what are you doing? You don't like it? But listen, here's the deal. I didn't take the medication for like 3 months. Yeah, we're gonna talk about you. I want to. Yeah, yeah, I didn't take the medication. I took it today.

I never said— did I give you a look like I wanted you to talk about me?

No, I just felt bad. I felt self-conscious that we were like all on me.

Well, dude, I'm not gonna talk about me when you have all these problems that we gotta sort out.

I know everything's great for you.

No, that's not true. You have problems.

You have problems.

My mom, by the way, told me to tell you to stop saying that because Jason always says things like everything's always perfect for David, nothing ever goes wrong. Wrong for David. And my mom called me the other day and she's like, can you have Jason stop saying that because it's really jinxing— it's really jinxing our family.

No, no, what I said was something bad's gonna happen to you. No, is— what did I say?

No, no, no, my mom was saying that you always say that nothing ever bad happens to me, that you're jinxing—

oh, that's different than— yeah, yeah, nothing bad happens to you. That means something bad because bad things happen to me, Jason.

I'm just not a pussy-ass bitch like you.

Let me think, let me think about the bad things. Yeah.

My steak was undercooked yesterday from my Chipotle. Yeah.

Yeah.

And you know how hard it was to chew? Fucking impossible.

Your Tesla needs a new key.

No, no, no. I mean, no, I have a super gifted life. Nothing. Neither of us have really bad things happen to us. You know what I mean? Compared to the rest of the world.

I mean, my divorce was really hard.

I'm maybe getting deported. Oh yeah, I forgot about that one.

Well, you can fix that.

But like, it's just so stupid. It doesn't count. Like, it doesn't count. Like me complaining about being deported, it's just, it doesn't count as a serious problem in my life.

That's why when you drive like a maniac, I get so upset because we have it so good. Yeah, our life is so good. And if you fucking, like, if you crash that car and I was dying on the side of the road, you know what the first thing I would think is?

How sexy I look?

No, that'd be like third or fourth. Okay, my kids, obviously that'd be the first.

How sexy they look?

No. Yeah, the first, the second thing I would think was because goddamn it, things were going so— finally, finally we're going so well, and he fucked it up.

That's awesome, dude.

Give life, take life. Anyways, the last thing I wanted to say was I took the pills today. Yeah. And I immediately— what pills?

The ecstasy?

No, the prescribed pills. Oh, Robitussin.

The Robitussin.

Robitussin. I drank the lean with Lil Wayne.

That's amazing.

And, uh, and, and, and, oh man, I was like my mood changed.

Do you want to know a secret? What?

You're on pills. No.

Oh, what? Jesus, someone's trying to get me to relate to you. You're on pills too, right? Come on, David, tell me. No, I'm not on pills. I tried lean. No, my followers are real. Yeah, I tried lean once. Oh, what is lean? It's, um, it's cough syrup. With what? I hung out with soda. Yes, with Sprite, mostly. With Sprite?

Yeah. So grape Robitussin?

No, it's like cherry. Cherry. It's like cherry, and I was hanging out with a couple rappers, and they— In LA? In LA, yeah. I had a stage in my life where there were some rappers in my life, and they—

Is that when they asked you to take pictures?

No, a different group. And, um, and yeah, I, um— But that is a funny story too. I went— Tell us.

Yeah, tell that next. But yeah, I want to hear this.

No, but they just offered me lean. And I just, I literally just tried it. I tried 2 sips of it. It tasted great, but I saw how completely dead they were. So I didn't drink any more of it. Like, you know, I'm not a big drug guy, but I am super into like, I have to try everything once, you know what I mean? Sure.

Yeah.

So I gave it a shot. It tasted, it's so unfortunate how good it tasted because it tasted like a real soda. Like that's why people drink it so much. That's why people abuse it because it tastes like candy.

And but yeah, does it make you just—

oh, I didn't drink that much.

But what did it make them lethargic?

It just, it makes you feel like this, like you're super high, like you're just like—

they talk like—

yeah, no, lean is, lean is, I think lean is cough syrup, right? Mixed with Sprite.

It's cough syrup and something. I watched a documentary on Lil Wayne and it was dope. Yeah, and they— yeah, you should watch it. It's—

no, it's scary. But back to my rapper, uh, my rapper friends. I had this guy who was really involved with with the whole rap section of LA. And one day he invited me over. He's like, yo, come vlog by the studio. And I'm like, okay. So I was excited. It was like 2 AM. I asked Liza, I'm like, Liza, can I please go? She's like, sure, just be back in an hour. So I'm like, I gotta go see these rappers. And I went, and I went to the studio, and the second I walk in, my friend's out there. And they're like, oh, you're the photographer, what's up? And I'm like, I'm not the photographer. And they're like, yo, take some pictures of us. Take some pictures of us. And I'm like, Jesus Christ. I had my vlogging camera in my hand, and I just— I was there for 30 minutes just taking pictures of these rappers, like, posting up at the studio. And I had to send all the pictures to them and stuff. And it was just them— it was like them drinking lean, them smoking weed. It was like them bopping out to songs with, like, their eyes closed.

How'd they kind of come out? Pictures were great. Yeah, it came out good.

Yeah. Have you ever seen the the COVID of Cosmopolitan with Drake and Lil Wayne. Yeah, I took those. That was me.

Drake and Lil Wayne on the COVID of Cosmopolitan, that would be—

Yeah, I don't really know magazines. No, but yeah, it was fun. I took some pictures. I took some pictures of rappers. I have a pretty— yeah, I had a pretty good fun time. But yeah, but back to us having a bad life. We have a pretty solid life, and my mom's just wanting to keep it that way because we're very lucky with where we are. So can you stop saying that everything's going great for me? Because it's stressing out my mom.

No. No?

You're like, fuck you.

Yeah, I won't. You told me that before. You know, the first time I took this medication, I went crazy. It was awesome. You're like high.

What do you mean you went crazy?

I was just like high for 2 weeks.

Is this the type of medication you can overdose on? I don't know. Like, it's like real scary medication? No, I don't think so. And why did you get it? Is it because you're moody?

It's because like all my, uh, adrenaline— I don't have like beta— I don't have beta blockers. You don't have sperm, huh?

You don't have sperm?

I don't have any because you're left. You know, because I got my dick sucked so many times, dog.

So funny when you make 20-year-old references.

What, what was the 20-year-old and get my dick sucked.

I mean, it's just funny for a 46-year-old man to say that.

You're getting my dick sucked?

Yeah, right? It's a little strange. Are you 45?

So what else can I do, David? Because I'm 44 years old. I don't know. Tell me.

You can't ride a bike.

Oh yeah, I can.

Unless you're going to the grocery store.

Uh, you can't fucking know, uh, knowledge because you're dumb. Okay, fair enough.

No, you can, you can do a bunch of things when you're 45. You're definitely breaking the mold. You do YouTube videos.

I don't give a fuck what people think about me, David. I know. You included. I know. I'm about to fucking bust out.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

You're about to blow up?

I'm about to blow up when I get to be about 62. That'd be my year. Imagine if I'm making YouTube videos when I'm 62.

What are they gonna be about?

Fucking diarrhea. How much diarrhea I have from being 62.

Diarrhea challenge? See if you can fill up your toilet bowl all the way.

Fill up my fucking colostomy bag because I won't be able to shit out my ass.

It's gonna be tough in 10 years when you permanently live at the hospital. Are they gonna let you vlog?

I'm gonna make all my money in the next 10 years, and then I'm gonna go to fucking Hawaii and I'm gonna be a bartender. Are you serious? Straight out of Compton. You're gonna be a bartender?

Yeah, dude.

Dude, that'd be hilarious. You come visit.

I would, I would love to.

You're probably on the bar.

I own the bar you work at.

I mean, nothing bad ever happens to you. Fuck you. Great, dude.

I think the poor—

more sick ads today. Um, dude, you're sick. Let me tell you, you're sick on the ad reads. For a guy that's never done a podcast before, you fly through these ads. No, I literally—

I'm very—

people hate— um, I'm not gonna say that. Read the ads.

Oh, go ahead, say it.

I don't want to. Say it.

No, make sure everyone's in the comment. Pussy.

There's no comments in iTunes.

A podcast that the iTunes people are listening to this, and they're gonna add a comment section just so they can comment "pussy." Holy shit.

Yes. How do you know everything?

You gotta say it.

Your generation knows a lot.

Yes, thank you.

Gotta give it to you. You know, there was a— there's always— they say millennials are lazy. Not the ones I know. Right? I guess. Do you think your generation's lazy?

I think every generation is lazy, no?

Do you think your generation is entitled more so than my generation? No, I don't think— I honestly think every 21-year-old's entitled.

I don't fall for that bullshit at all. Like, just like I don't care about horoscopes, I don't care for classifying millennials and Gen Zs and whatever. I just don't give a fuck. I think everyone is—

I do meet a lot of little cunts though. Yes. I'll tell you that much.

But you also do meet a lot of big cunts.

Meaning my age cunts? Yes. Well, that's a good— that, that's a good point, but it's different. It's completely— I'm talking about like kids. I, I meet kids that are so fucking—

by the way, is the C-word a bad word? Yeah, we just used it.

I told you I don't give a fuck. I'm on the lean, bro. I'm on this lean.

Well, I apologize for using that word if it offends people because I, I, I forgot that's a bad word.

I'll bleep it out.

You will?

No, fuck that. I don't give a fuck. I told you I get my dick sucked in 50 states. Okay, well, I'm 46.

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One more, one more time, try to give it a free try. ZipRecruiter.com/nash. ZipRecruiter, if you're listening to this, which I I know you are. Just for one day, just change the link to /dobrik. It's not gonna hurt you guys that much.

Zippercooter, if you're listening to this, this is the fucking kick in the mouth that David needs. Keep it Nash. He is so conceited and on his high horse, and I'm on—

Zippercooter, that's not true. If you're listening to this, you have to realize that Jason is overmedicated right now, and he he doesn't have any idea what he's talking about.

ZipRecruiter, the fact that he brings it up all the time, that he needs it changed, obviously says we're dealing with an egomaniac who could pop off at any moment.

ZipRecruiter, the fact that Jason's bringing attention to my ego just shows his insecurities in being in the same room with me.

ZipRecruiter, you and me cooked up this scheme against David. Thank you for keeping it this way for weeks on end. Obviously it's working. We're getting to him, and the next step will be to take away his car.

All right, thanks ZipRecruiter for ruining my life. But one more time, that's ziprecruiter.com/mash.

Hey, um, have you ever had a job interview? I have. And, and like, job interviews are the worst. What the— what, what's this question in a job interview? I hate it.

Oh, I'm really good at answering all job interviews.

Oh great, tell me, tell me how you answer this question. Never understood it. I've killed it.

I've killed job David, what's your weakness?

My weakness?

This is good. This is actually my strength. Well, my— You are good.

You could sell shit to someone with diarrhea. You'd be a good car salesman. Yeah.

You'd be great. My weakness is a lot of times I like to take control of the situation, and I like to make sure everything's being sought after. And I don't allow a lot of times for people to do thinking on their own. I really like to get right at the problem and fix it myself rather than having it be more of a team thing. And I'm working on it, but that's one of my weaknesses.

So, you know, fuck your employees. I'm going to fucking kill this job. Take it over. Because if I heard that, I'd be like, OK, this guy's going to get in there. This guy's going to fucking do his thing.

That's how that question's answered. That's great.

How did you know that? Did you come up with that yourself?

I had one job interview, and I just I learned from my mistakes.

I would answer it like this. I'd be like, well, I mean, I get up late a lot. I'm late to work.

My kids don't love me. I can't feed my kids.

That's a little—

How long is this job interview, by the way?

Because I got to go watch Wheel of Fortune.

By the way, I don't really give a fuck. My ex-wife is just really adamant about me getting a job. I'm kind of just doing it to give her a little fuck you to her face.

I think it would be cool if you went and did stand-up. Stand-up one night?

If I did stand-up comedy one night, I couldn't. Yeah, you could.

I couldn't.

I don't know how to do it, bro.

You'd be good.

I appreciate the thought. Do some writing. No, I don't want to.

Get after it. Plant a tree.

Don't be a jerk to me.

I'm not being a jerk. I'm trying to fucking expand your tiny mind.

Don't talk down on me just because you had 20 years of stand-up, motherfucker.

I'm not talking down on you. I told you, you can't even take a goddamn compliment.

You love doing that, don't You just putting you down.

No, I'm not putting you down. Go out there and fucking be brave. Don't be a little pussy.

And there it is, guys. That was me trying to kickstart his bipolarness just to prove that his pills aren't working. Don't take medication, guys.

You're such a lawyer right now. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you—

you've been recorded this entire time, you fuck. Um, no, no, but, um, but yeah, Everything, everything's all good, guys. We have a podcast live show coming up very soon. It's in 2 weeks.

Damn, it's gonna be lit. It's gonna be a sold-out show.

It's in San Francisco. And then we're— I think we're gonna have, guys, the rumor is that we're gonna have a live show in Vernon Hills or in the location of Illinois around Thanksgiving or Christmas time. So if you're there, I mean, dude, get ready because it's gonna be a spectacular— my hometown, Vernon Hills.

That's where I came from.

It's my hometown with my buddies.

Alex.

Those are my buddies.

And, um, Mike and Ilya.

You forgot Ilya's name.

And, and, uh, huh?

You don't get— you don't care about me.

I told you I'm on the lean. I fucking like your friends a lot. Your friends are great.

I don't know what that means.

Way better than you.

I don't know what it means to be on a lean.

I'm on the lean. We talked about it for 5 minutes. Are you on the drugs or am I? You are, bro. We just talked about lean. Lean?

Yeah, but you're not on a lean. You're on whatever, Metamorphosis or whatever you said it was.

I told you I don't give a fuck. I I use different words for other words. I'm a poet.

I actually have a surprise for you. Oh shit, you're, um, your daughter's been sitting right outside the room this entire— Charlie, this entire podcast.

Oh David, what the hell?

I just wanted to show her what kind of a real person you are.

She's crying. Great.

Charlie, it's okay, it's okay. I'll send you through college. Why are you getting in my car?

Why are you so mean to my daddy?

Is that the voice of your kid? Yeah. That was awful.

Yeah, well, so was your fucking story about fucking taking rappers' pictures.

You told me to tell you that story.

No, and then as it started to go, I was like, nah, this isn't good. I remembered it being good, but then I was like, uh, there was— I forgot that it was— it was more of just like a— it wasn't really a story for the podcast. It was more like, fuck you, your story sucked too. I know they do. No, I don't mean to put you down because you do a lot of good things too. Thanks. I'm just not mentioning those right now. Um, all right guys, ever pick your nose?

I never picked my nose. No, no. What was the worst job interview you ever went to?

Um, well, I tried, I tried out for the Boston Celtics. You what? I tried out for the Boston Celtics. What do you mean, the basketball team?

Yeah.

What happened? I just I just got a tryout with them.

And you could try out with the basketball team?

Yeah, anybody can. Are you being serious? Yeah, I got a tryout.

You're being 100% serious?

I snuck in and, um, I broke my leg.

You broke your leg?

I broke my leg trying out for the Celtics.

You broke your leg trying to sneak in?

Trying to get in the garden, they tackled me.

Wait, did you actually try out for the Boston Celtics? Did you try out for them?

What's your weakness? No, I didn't try out for the Boston Celtics. Why are you lying to me? I just thought that'd be a funny interview.

We have an honest— we have an honest podcast here, and you're spewing this bullshit.

I couldn't think of anything, so I fucking tried to make up something funny.

You know how hard it is to podcast with you? First, first that lie, and, and then all the N-words I have to cut out of this podcast. It's constantly disappointing, dude. You're good for—

good at framing. A bad interview, I guess, like just being out of your, your league and trying to get jobs.

Yeah, what job have you—

like, uh, like I tried to like get a, uh, oh, you know what, pitching, pitching television shows, like getting a meeting with like NBC.

And then yeah, you pitch television shows a lot.

Yeah, and they're like, there's no fucking way we're gonna buy a show from him. That's like the feedback after.

But you always go back.

Why?

Yeah, why is it that you always keep going back?

Because that's how I used to make my money. I sold a lot of shows.

How many shows did you sell?

Probably like 6 or 7.

Did any of them get made? Yeah, which one?

I made pilots, but I never got a thing on the air.

Would I know any of them?

Yeah, have you heard of The Doo-Doo Hour?

No, what's that?

It's a show about your face.

About my face? That's not funny, Jason.

Sorry, cut it out.

All right guys, tweet at me what a new co-host should have.

Oh, come on, one bad joke. It's one bad joke and you're off.

Oh, it's a new rule. I talked to— I talked to Jack, our manager, about it.

You're mad that I said your fucking photographer story wasn't lit?

No, I'm mad because it was pretty good. I'm mad because you said that about being— about my face being doo-doo.

You cut everything from this podcast. You know you're mad about the doo-doo comment, really?

Yeah, I'm mad about it.

You're obvious. You're good looking. Thank you, straight up. Hey, Charlie loves you. I mean, what? I wasn't supposed to say anything. The other— don't say anything.

The other day we were just joking around and you said I was 7th best looking in the friend group. Yeah, I know I did, and it really stuck with me. That was a joke. I didn't feel like a joke. It felt like you were coming straight at me.

I want me to rank the friends? I'll do it.

Well, no, just say am I in the top 3. I don't— I don't need the names. Just tell me.

Yeah, Todd, Scott, you. Those are my only friends. Are you serious?

I'm in the top 3? Um, have you always been the ugliest in your friend group? How has that worked?

No, I had some real ugly friends. Really?

Yeah.

Who was doing all right? Uh, you know Crooked Nose Dave?

Who's Crooked Nose Dave?

Yeah.

I can't believe you went to college. I can't believe you had a life before this. What I would have done to be there for—

Oh my God, I wish you could see me. I wish you'd go back in time. 'Cause I was, when I was, if you could have seen me when I was 20, I was just as pathetic. But I did have fun. But the thing is about you and friendship and these guys, see, I'll rank them. Todd. You and Scott, Scott's, yeah, maybe you're second. Thanks, man. Heath is very good looking. He's very good looking. It just depends what you like, what your flavor is.

I don't know, it just bummed me out, that's all. We don't have to get into it.

Really? Yeah. You're joking. No.

Seventh?

I said you were— like, tell me exactly what I said because I think it's really funny. You said—

you said— I was like, I, I was joking, and I'm like, I'm really good looking, and he's like, bitch, please, you're like number fucking 7 on the friend list. And I'm like, what the hell? We're not even recording.

Oh my God, the shit you say to me.

It wasn't even—

you can't take a comment, a joke about being 7. The shit you say to me, it's that my mom and dad are dead because they are. They're not.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, they're dead. They're dead. Way to bring it up. Listen to the listeners. Look how cruel he is.

Thank you for admitting.

He just tells me my parents are dead. All the shit you say to me. What did you say to me today? I can't even write it down. I should— I'm gonna start writing them down.

Today David called me a pathetic shrimp. I don't even know what that but I cried for 4 hours. No, I'm totally kidding. I don't care if you call me best looking or not. I know you have a boner for me. Oh, that's what it was. I said that you had a boner for me and you were trying to have sex with me. Oh yeah.

Yeah.

This was all off camera, by the way. And you're like, fuck you. You're like the 7th person I'd fuck in a friend group. Yeah. And I was like, are you serious? You take that back, you dirty bitch. You take that back and you fuck me right now. No, but, um, yeah, it's like dead silence. All right, well, that's all the time we have for the podcast. Jason and I are gonna go blow each other. Um, no, but that's all the time we have, guys. Make sure you guys like and subscribe. Go tell your friends about the podcast. You know what I thought about the other day? What if everybody listening goes to their friends and slaps them in the face, and, and their friend goes, hey, what was that for? And, and then they go, oh, it's, it's for the new for this podcast I've been listening to. Yeah, it's hilarious. Yeah, we get so many listeners. Yeah, guys, so your homework is record this too. Slap one of your friends in the face. Yeah. And when they ask what that's for, be like, it's for David Dobrik and Jason Nash's podcast called Views. You should really listen to it. And depending on your age, at the end of it, maybe throw in a bitch. Yeah, it doesn't matter, it's up to you.

Not too hard.

Don't slap them too hard.

It's a—

but enough to make them cry and wonder if you guys are actually friends.

Yeah, and get us— yeah, get us— get people listening. Way to go. That's an unorthodox way to get people listening, but I think it'll be effective.

And also, I have Halloween merch that's only available for a limited time, so go buy it. It's really dope merch. It took us about 3 hours to come up with the designs, so it's some real important stuff.

No, but go check out Jason's merch too. Thanks, David.

No, go check out Jason. That was nice. Go check out Jason's vlog. Jason's a hilarious guy. He doesn't get enough credit. It. Go check out his tweets and everything. Thank you, David.

You're hilarious. You're the, you're the man. Thanks, man. Great job today.

All right, we're gonna go. Jason's gonna blow me now. All right, bye guys.