Your Penis Is Not Welcome Here

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I talk about a bunch of juicy stuff.

Yo, what up, Dave?

It gets fairly magical here on this.

Pretty great. I got a busy weekend ahead of me. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to Dylan's birthday party tomorrow.

Dylan's having a birthday party? Yeah, it's not his birthday.

Oh no, Dylan— not Dylan Francis. Dylan Stefan, Wyatt's friend. He's turning 12.

God fucking damn it. I thought you meant Dylan Francis's birthday party. Our friend Dylan Francis.

Yeah, it's It's gonna be sick. It's a Call of Duty party.

It's a Call of Duty party. All right, roll the intro music. All right guys, so a lot of people have been asking questions about Jason and I. No, we're not together. We just do the podcast.

Yeah guys, it's strictly just Dave and I. We're friends.

It's 100% business. There's—

and some pleasure.

No, there's really not that much pleasure.

I mean, I pleasure myself underneath this blanket.

Jason made pleasure himself during the podcast. Jason just got back from Fashion Week.

I heard. I saw you all over the news.

The news?

Um, I heard you walk the runway. You're the first under-6-foot male model.

So I went to the first, uh, was Cynthia Rowley. That was the first, like, fashion show.

Love Cynthia Rowley.

Are you being serious?

I have no idea.

I don't know.

I just always—

No, she's really great. But you know how they walk down the runway?

Yeah.

She fucking switched it up.

And they went down on their hands.

No, no. So instead of them coming out from the backstage area, they would— they were sitting in the crowd. So the models would just stand up randomly from the crowd and you wouldn't know who's a model. And then they would walk the runway. It was really scary.

You could kind of tell who was the model.

Yeah, you could kind of tell. I mean, it was pretty easy. Yeah, it was the most beautiful people in the world standing up. Everyone else was just left to sit there in really interesting clothing. Yeah, but everyone was like looking around like, well, everyone's wearing interesting clothing because it's Fashion Week.

Even you.

I mean, I had a sweatshirt.

That was my main concern. I was like, Dave's going to Fashion Week. I was like, I think it's cool that you try all this new stuff. I think it's awesome. But I was like thinking, I was like, what the fuck's he gonna wear?

You know what's crazy is like, like, I'll listen to conversations like during Fashion Week. Like, people go up to each other and they'll go, you look great. And you know, the response is, you look great too. Yeah, this is amazing. Yeah. But every time I would go up to a person, have a conversation with them, and I'd be like, you look incredible, this is an amazing outfit, no one would ever say that back to me, ever. Like, they— because, because one, they knew, like, one, it and two, you know, they knew if they said it, I'd call them out on it and be like, you don't mean that. I'm just wearing a hoodie. Yeah, I wore a hoodie to Fashion Week.

I saw one picture of you on the runway and you look good. Whatever they dressed you in. Did you figure out your own outfit?

Well, they gave you a bunch of options at the hotel, and then I was like, I want that hoodie. And the hoodie looks soft. And then— and then, yeah, you wore a hoodie.

You wear the same thing you wear around here to shoot people with paintball guns.

It was like a $500 hoodie. Oh, fucking some serious like softish material.

Did you tell the difference?

Yeah, 100%. It was like really heavy. It was like wearing a weighted blanket. But other than that, no. Fashion Week, because it's such an interesting thing to watch. Like, dude, it made me so nervous. Like all the models walking down the runway. Yeah, I don't know what about it, but like I was so close to the action because we were the front row. My palms were sweating every show. I was just so nervous.

Yeah, knees weak, arms are heavy.

Yeah, vomit on my shirt.

Yeah.

Mom's spaghetti, of course, of course.

Um, but no, how many shows did you go to?

I went to 4.

Dang. And I like my fashion shows, they're quick.

Yeah, I went to the first one and like, it's so crazy because when you go to the first one, you're like looking around like an idiot. You're like, I can't believe this is fucking real. This is fucking insane. Why are these people just like walking down here? Like, why does no one think this is crazy?

Yeah.

And then you watch it for like 5 minutes and then you go, oh yeah, I get it. This makes sense. You get so used to it so quickly.

Was there a piece that someone came out in, a certain piece that just stood out to you that you were like, yes, that's it, sister?

That's the thing is I was like, no. And like, and, and, you know, you'd think that my, my sense of fashion would be better now that I've like experienced this, but it only got worse because like I used to think that fashion was all about matching. Now I found out that it's not even about matching. Now it's about how crazy you can get. So yeah, I don't even understand what fashion is anymore.

But those pieces on the runway aren't for sale, right? Most of the time.

I don't know. I hear that sometimes they are for sale.

They are for sale. Because what I had always heard was that the stuff you see on the runway is like fantasy inspiration. And then what you see in the store is much different.

That's like when Mercedes has like a concept car.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but some of these designers are only designers that do this for a living.

Who's your favorite?

I like Cynthia Rowley. It's probably—

is that male men's stuff too, or just—

I think it's all women's stuff.

Are there any men on the runway?

No. There was, out of the 4 shows, I saw 1 man on the runway.

Did they have food?

Uh-huh.

No, they don't have food at a fashion show.

They just had LaCroix, bubbly water. That's all they have.

How do you get the LaCroix? Does someone come around and serve you?

No, it's in a fridge. You just go grab it.

You grab it right before it checks out. And how long is a fashion show?

They're each like 10 minutes long.

10?

Yeah, that's it. Very short.

Wow. And then when the designer came out at the end, does everyone stand and applaud? No, no, that's it.

Yeah, so you do one quick and it's pretty painless.

Are they all in the same location?

Um, yeah, they're all in the same location.

So you watch one and then you take a break and then the next one starts? Stuff like that.

It's in a different building. It's on different floors.

Oh my God. You see any celebrities? Was Jay-Z there?

I saw a couple. No, I didn't see Jay-Z.

Oh, I always see him at fashion shows. He's one of my favorites.

He's just your friend.

I used to know him.

What happened?

We used to work at Dunkin' Donuts together.

Yeah, Jay-Z is genuinely the best. Hey, let's talk about this. This is really important to me. Oh, Jeff Bezos.

Oh yeah.

Reportedly just bought the most expensive home in Los Angeles.

Incredible.

And how many, how many square footage was it?

I know it's $165 million.

$165 million.

Yeah.

Which is ridiculous. And I think it's, I think it's 5 acres of land, if I'm remembering correctly. $165 million, which is a shit ton of money. But they did the math and $165 million to Jeff Bezos's wealth is like if you were to make $60,000 a year It's like you buying a house for $75.

That's incredible.

That's insane. How does he have that much money?

Because he's worth $10 billion.

No, I think he's worth a lot more than $10 billion. Oh, wow.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Hey, Siri, what is Jeff Bezos' net worth? $131.7 billion.

Wow.

Do you even understand that?

No. And he made all his money in prostitution.

What? No, no, no. He founded Amazon.

Oh, Amazon.

Yeah, he started Amazon.

I'm confusing him with somebody else.

Somebody totally different. But Jay, what is that $131.7 billion?

I don't know. What did he do before Amazon, I wonder?

I have no fucking idea.

What was he doing?

I don't know.

Someone— he came up with that concept. Pretty good concept.

I want to film a video with him really bad where I— where I'm in the car with him and I ask him if I can have $1 million. And I use it just to like, just to give to other people. And it's a full video of just spending $1 million of Jeff Bezos's money, you know, paying for kids' tuition.

Oh, that's fun.

Like, that'd be so fun. Like, that's like, Jeff Bezos, if you're listening to her, anybody from Amazon, please help me make this happen. But could you imagine fucking having that much money?

No, I don't know what that would be like.

What do you do when you have that much money? Would you ever want that much money?

Um, sure.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, I wouldn't, I wouldn't like I need that much, but I don't think I would change my life that, that much. I really wouldn't.

If you had $131 billion?

Yeah, I don't think I would change too much.

Come on.

No, I'm telling you, it's— I mean, like, I have my kids. You can't give— I can't spoil my kids any more than I already do. They'll turn out rotten.

I know, but you'd buy like a crazy house and your kids would have a movie room. You buy your son a studio to record music in. Like, you have Ed Sheeran come and fucking play guitar for him in his bedroom.

You're right. No, yeah, I would do things like that. Yeah, I could like hire Ed Sheeran. Yeah, come entertain Wyatt.

Isn't that crazy for Jeff Bezos to have Ed Sheeran come by and just play in his living room?

He probably doesn't have to pay him.

It's one— he doesn't have to pay him, probably. But how easy is that? Like, Ed, I think Ed would charge, like, I'm just guessing, somewhere around $1 million.

Sure.

To come and play like a private show. And that is literally nothing. That's like me being like, can you go to Subway and get me a 6-inch? That's not even a fucking footlong. Like, that's what it is for Ed Sheeran to come and play. On fucking Jeff, probably on As Jeff Bezos Is Taking a Bath. Ed Sheeran will run through his entire tracklist and then maybe Jeff will be like, wait, Ed, isn't Snoop Dogg with you on that song? And Ed will be like, well, yeah. And then he'll call Snoop and then Snoop will come and there'll be a fucking full collaboration.

Not even a special occasion. No, just because he's having a croissant.

So much money, Jason. It's so much money. And it's—

but is he happy?

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, probably.

He's probably fucking stoked. But that's the thing. He bought the most expensive house in L.A. Now, do you think Do you think he bought that house because he liked it the most, or do you think he bought it just to buy the most expensive house in the LA?

It was probably a good investment.

I guess you're right, but I also think that he just bought it because it's the most expensive one. Like, I doubt out of every house you can possibly look at in LA, that's the best house you can get. Do you know what I mean? Uh, how convenient is it that the most expensive one is also the best one that fits a person?

Well, it definitely says— it's definitely a statement. It's definitely when you go and buy the most expensive house because you can.

That's what I feel like. Yeah, it's too— but does Jeff Bezos need to be making statements?

I don't know. I think he should turn it into like a Dan Bilzerian kind of place, you know, just have parties, parties and have like iguanas crawling around there.

And why doesn't he?

A lot of weed.

Yeah, a lot of weed. Yeah, that's, that's what you fucking—

didn't he go through a big divorce? Jeff Bezos?

Yeah. And after the divorce, I think he was still the richest man.

Dang, that's crazy. Oh, I had something crazy happen while you were gone.

What happened?

Remember Wyatt's song from last week?

Oh, yeah, right. He made a song about the Holocaust.

Holocaust. Yeah, guess who DM'd me about the song?

Who?

Phineas from Billie Eilish. No way, David. I was, I was doing this thing.

Phineas from Billie Eilish. Phineas.

I'm sorry, just Phineas. I don't know his last name. Oh, Eilish.

I actually don't know. He just goes by Phineas.

Is that his last name? Anyways, I was doing this thing, I'm doing this video with Mr. Kate, and their producer was there, and they were like taking measurements, and I just went Holy shit!

Holy fuck! Holy shit!

Like that. She was like, oh, what's wrong? What's wrong? I don't know this woman at all. I've known her for like 5 minutes. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. She's like, what happened? What happened? And I'm like, no, no, it's good. It's good news. She's like, what is it? And then I started to explain it and I sounded like a douche. But it was so nice. It just said like, bro, your son's song is so great, blah, blah, blah. He has a bright future ahead of him. And it was so funny because that night before, I was like talking about the song and I was like, I was like, you know what, Wyatt, the song is really good. And he's like, no, it's not, it's not. He's like, it could be so much better. He's like, I didn't have the time. I'm like, you worked on it for like 6 fucking weeks, dog.

That's a big— that's a big compliment to come from like a huge— I mean, he's not just—

there's no person in the world it could have come from that could have been better. Because in Wyatt's eyes, he's like— that's what Wyatt wants to be like. The guy that's like— and Phineas writing and a little behind the scenes.

And Phineas and Billy have this like new, like new age, like grip on music. Yeah, that like— to get a compliment from him means you're really doing something right in like today.

what did your son say?

He just like started crying. He was just like, huh?

Oh, what? Did you record his reaction?

No, I didn't, Jason, because I didn't want to like put it on the— I don't know, I didn't want to put it on the vlog.

I don't know, just record it for fun.

Yeah, I didn't record it.

Oh my God.

It wasn't that great because, you know, he gives shitty reactions, but he was just like, oh, oh, oh. And then so that like the night before, Phineas here at the song on the podcast, on the podcast.

Oh my God. I was like, you just sent it to him.

Yeah.

Hey man, if you have a moment, please listen to my son's song about the Holocaust.

I know you just won $18,000.

You're busy.

You got to hear this.

I know you're busy writing the James Bond song. Please, please listen to my son. Son's Holocaust song.

So he was like really down about it, and I was like, it's really good. I was like, you should, you should put it up on SoundCloud or whatever, like, you know, be proud of it. He's like, no. And then—

wait, hold on, hold on, sorry, let me just say, let me just preface this. Wyatt is Jason's son who made a song about the Holocaust for a school project. Yeah, if this is the first podcast—

sorry, yeah, it was all loud last week's podcast.

If this is the first podcast you're listening to, they're gonna be like, what? Yeah, Phineas supports what?

No, it's the— it's a saga because it's a song that he worked on for a long time. And then it ended up being a pretty good song. Whatever.

Yeah, it's a song that he had to do some kind of project and he did a fucking song, which is crazy. And it— and to be fair, it was surprisingly really good.

It was. And then that night he was— he walked over to Charlie and he was like, he's like, he's like, please, please play music with me, please. He's like, I need someone to bounce off of. He's like, I don't sing like you sing. And Charlie, she just goes, no, she goes, I don't She's like, I don't like what you're into. She's like, I'm just not into that kind of music. She's like, no thanks, sorry. Like that. And then the next day we got the DM and I was like, huh, Charlie? I'm like, look who's into Wyatt's music now. She was like, did you tell him that I can sing? And I was like, no, I didn't say anything about you. That's so, so funny because one of my kids like works really hard and thinks he's not good and the other one fucking doesn't do any work at all and thinks she's amazing. That's the difference between the two. But anyway, so that made our day when that happened.

You guys, bro, that would be— that would be the best if fucking your kid turned out Like Phineas and Billie Eilish. That would be the best because it'd be just like, imagine all the times we just talk shit about your son. Yeah, just fucking— I want someone, please, for the love of God, Wyatt, please be the most successful musician in the world just so we can compile all the times we have trash-mouthed you here on this podcast and then play it over your acceptance speech at the Grammys. That'll be— that'll be a moment.

Yeah.

Did you see the new airplane video going around on Twitter?

Yeah. Yeah. Taylor showed it to me.

So it's basically— it's a video of this guy. He's sitting in the final row of the economy. The woman in front of him is reclining back, but he can't recline because he's in the last row. So he's punching the seat. So is she the asshole for reclining, or is he the asshole for punching the seat and being mad that she's reclining because he doesn't— he can't recline?

What do you think?

I don't know. I thought about this for a little bit.

I didn't think about it at all.

At first I thought— at first I thought he's the asshole.

Yeah.

Okay, that's kind of where I'm at. I think he's the asshole.

I mean, that's it. The seats recline. You bought the last seat, dog.

He's definitely the bigger asshole. Yeah, but is she a little bit of an asshole for reclining?

No, because if someone started punching my seat, I would stand my ground and be like, what are you— this is no way to handle it.

If—

okay, you said hey 'Look, I got no recline back here. Would you mind going up maybe an inch and not reclining all the way?' Then I would have been like, 'Oh, okay, yeah, sure.' Someone starts punching my seat—

Natalie thought that she was being more of the asshole because she was saying that when Natalie was saying when, when she reclines, 2 inches doesn't really do anything. She didn't even— she shouldn't even be reclining in the first place.

Why?

I don't know, it's a little bit tough.

I put stuffed animals on you in first class once.

That was so funny. We're sitting in JetBlue Mint and you can lay down in the seats. They're really fucking great. So I lay down and I went to bed, and I woke up with like a Buzz Lightyear like stuffed fucking action figure right by my arm. And I didn't know what it was, but I was so tired, so I just went back to bed. I just was like, okay, maybe a kid like threw it over here. And then I woke up and I looked to my left, it's a fucking stuffed Elmo, and it's a stuffed elephant, and it's a stuffed bear, and I just have a bunch of stuffed animals all around me in my, in my seat. There's no explanation for it. I was like, there's no kids sitting around. Like, I got up and I was like, who's sitting around me? And then, and then the flight attendant lady was like, yeah, it's the man behind you. He threw them all on you. And I was like, Jason, what the fuck? And I think Jason was like sleeping too, so he forgot to film my reaction to it.

Well, I waited for you to get up, but you were so out cold. I was like, all right, well, he's not going to wake up for a while.

I think Jason just wanted to put those stuffed animals on me so he could take a picture and then tweet it and be like, look, look what a fucking loser David is sleeping with stuffed animals. What did you guys do while I was at Fashion Week?

Oh, things are weird when you're gone, man.

It looked like you're about to say great. It looked like you were about to say things are great when you're gone.

It's a roller coaster.

It felt like you were about to stop yourself.

Things are great when you're gone. Okay, however— and then, and then, and then they're really bad.

Explain.

And then they're great again. David, when you're gone, it's literally like being out of prison. Like the amount of freedom that you feel.

Sure.

Like, and I'm talking about really small things, like I'm gonna go take a shit. Yeah, like little things like that. You're like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom now. I'm like, oh, I can, I can go to the bathroom now. I can, you know, take my time. Just little things. I went to the doctor, like, that I hadn't been in so long. They were like, where have you been? Like, you're supposed to be here. I'm like, I know, my Dave's out of town. But like, and like, so like little things like that are great. Like, because it's like you feel like a person.

You're like, oh, it's because I'm not like hounding you to come and shoot and stuff.

Yeah, yeah. And it's just more leisurely. But then the bad side is like the crew is like not, not doing good without you, you know what I mean? Like, like I went to lunch with Zane and Todd and it's like nothing's happening. Sure, no one's turning the camera on, you know what I mean? Like there's no, there's no like driving force. Like we've got to get shit done. And then that like is like a sickness that breeds through everybody. So everybody becomes lazy and everybody's like, oh fuck, do nothing. And then when we do try to shoot, like a lot of the bits are not funny. So that, that it's, it's definitely up and down. But granted, I love being in bed at 10:00.

It was fucking bullshit. Oops. The first night I was gone, I fucking check Insta stories and Jason is fucking running around the bar doing karaoke at a fucking bar we go to. And just like dancing with every single person there so lively. And I was— and I show it to Natalie and I go, I literally go, what the fuck? I literally said, what the fuck? Where is all this energy when we're around? And she goes, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you.

Natalie said, she's like, you guys look like you were having the best time. And I was like, what?

Yeah. Natalie and I were like, like an angry married couple that was left out of like some kind of game night when we saw that Insta story. We were like, how could he do this to us? How could he go out and have such a good time without us?

Bro, every Insta story you have is from a party bus.

What do you mean?

I'm home, I'm— I go home with Wyatt and Charlie and I click on Insta stories and you're like on a party bus with some celebrity.

Yeah, but that's, that's consistent. Like, I'm consistently having a fun time. Oh, when you have a fun time, I'm confused because I'm like, oh, why are you having to see the difference? I'm like, why are you having fun all of a sudden now that I'm gone?

Well, I just figured out that you can do karaoke on Tuesday nights, and I'm into it.

I've always been telling you to come Tuesday nights for karaoke.

I didn't think any— I— well, I just figured out that you can do karaoke on Tuesday nights at that bar.

I've always been telling you to come.

I know, but I didn't think that you'd want me to karaoke, or if that would be fun. I forgot.

Well, to be honest, it's not like I would have filmed you karaokeing, right? I was honestly just— I was just jealous that you guys were in LA and I was in New York.

That's why it was fun.

New York is tough, dog. I was in time to say that.

Why do you say this about New York? It baffles me. Dave is the only person in the world— when we go to New York, he goes, nothing to do here, nothing to do.

Because listen, there's so much to do that there's nothing to do. It's like LA on Halloween. It's like there's so many bars in New York that everyone's scattered, and there's not one place that's like, you know, that everyone in town is there. And that's the problem.

Okay, so did you, did you have a tough time in New York finding stuff to do?

Um, well, no, what was really fun though is I was in Times Square and we drove by a bus and it had my face on it for America's Most Musical Family. It was really cool because I didn't even know they had buses of me. And then I drove by and it was me, Sierra, Nick, Debbie, and, uh, Nick on the bus. I was like, this is fucking so exciting. So we had the— so we had our driver pull—

funny you find the bus more exciting than a billboard. You had a billboard, you know.

I know, but a bus moves around the city, like, that's so cool. And I went— I stopped the bus and I went up to the bus driver and I'm like, I'm on your bus! And he goes, what? And I was like, I'm on your bus. And he came out of the bus and he looked at it and he got really excited. We were all really excited. It was just super exciting. And then we were, we were late to our flight, so we quickly went, we quickly went to Olive Garden to get some food. And we were—

New York City.

Yeah.

You went to Olive Garden in New York City?

Yeah.

Greatest Italian restaurants in the country.

I wanted to eat healthy, so I, so I thought, let me eat the salad from Olive Garden.

Bro, you— I know you need a girlfriend.

I get it. Oh my God, I'd love one.

You need a girlfriend to just correct everything that's wrong about you.

I would love one.

You have so many good things going for you.

Do you have a girlfriend?

In some ways you're so dumb.

Do you genuinely think I should have a girlfriend or I shouldn't? Um, I think that something tells me that if I had a girlfriend, it'd be—

well, I mean, selfishly, I don't want to say yes. You want me to answer the question selfishly or unselfishly?

Well, no, answer it honestly.

Honestly?

Yeah. If tomorrow—

I can't answer the question honestly and not be selfish.

No, if tomorrow you could snap your fingers—

Honestly, I don't want to lose you.

No, if tomorrow you could snap your fingers and give me a girl I love. Yeah, right. Yeah, tomorrow. Yeah, like just introduce me to this girl that I'm like gonna fall in love with. Would you do it?

No.

No, why?

Because then I'd lose you.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah, that'd be tough.

I mean, it'd be tough.

I would never ever vlog again.

No. And the podcast, forget it.

You burn the equipment and start a fire. A romantic fire on the beach with the podcast equipment. Don't worry, we could just light these microphones on fire. I won't need to use them ever again because I love you.

If you could give me a girlfriend, would you give me a girlfriend?

Absolutely not.

No, you wouldn't, right?

No, no, no.

Yeah.

I mean, girlfriends are dangerous. It's like, especially when I first start dating. I mean, I am like, I'm hooked and I cannot think of anything or do anything else other than date that person. And that's like, that's definitely not something that I want to always say.

That you said that to me once and it really scared me. You were like, guys, you know, if I get a girlfriend, I could just dip. And I looked into your eyes. At first I was like, fuck, he's kidding. And I looked into your eyes, I'm like, oh, he's not kidding at all.

No. Yeah, I mean, like, if I find something that I seriously like— and the problem is, is when I, when I find somebody that I really like, like, all my logic goes out the window.

Yeah.

So like, I'll start saying things like, who really needs the vlog? Like, who— like, all you need is somebody you love, right? Like, that's what life is all about.

Yeah.

And then I'm going to go to Hawaii for 8 months, you know?

Yeah.

So if I start talking like that, please fucking stop me.

I won't. I wouldn't be able to.

You won't be able to. Not unless you play this podcast back. It won't really do anything.

Well, that's funny. It's Valentine's Day today and we're talking about love. You like Valentine's Day?

Yeah, I think it's cool.

I think it's so stupid.

Why?

Because this is the thing: if you're single, obviously it sucks because you feel like an asshole, you feel left out. And if you're with somebody, you're forced into this fucking bullshit. You gotta go out to eat. It's the worst night to go out to eat. I went out tonight, went with my kids. You fucking can't get a table, or pizza took 55 minutes. Sure, it's so silly. And then you see people all the time like I got a DM today, um, like I brought Carly and Aaron some like Valentine's Day gifts in a video and like someone DM'd me, they're like, that was the nicest thing. I've been married 8 years, I didn't get shit for Valentine's Day. And I'm like, well, so who cares? Like, fucking why? Because someone says this is the day that you have to get shit?

Yeah, you just have a really negative outlook on love.

I, I don't, I don't, I think it's really dumb. I think if I want to love somebody, I can love them any day of the year.

I understand that, but I think Valentine's Day is a little bit— is a time to do it harder, like to love a little harder. It's kind of like having a birthday. It's like, why do I have to celebrate this person being born? I can do that every day with my kids. But there needs to be a day where it's just like a little bit enhanced and a little bit cracked out.

Try to get a reservation on Valentine's Day.

Jason, this is really funny. You've been talking to this girl for a month. God, this is crazy to me. You're talking to a girl for a month and she lives in another state. And finally she was about to come out. Yeah, to visit California.

Yeah.

And she told you just she was down to hang out, right?

Right. When did you make plans for, uh, maybe Saturday? See her on Saturday?

See her on Saturday?

Yeah.

So Jason was supposed to see her this Saturday, and then a couple days— this was like 3 days ago— he's scrolling through Instagram and come— comes across an Instagram pic from her, and it's her and basically, I'm not exaggerating, a full body cast in a hospital room. She was in a fucking car accident.

She was— she was hurt really bad.

Yeah. I mean, like, broken arm, broken leg, like, broken neck.

Yeah.

Like, stuff like that. Not machines.

Back home now. She's better.

Yeah. Yeah. But like— but like, this fucking woman Jason's been wanting to hang out with for quite some time, just the day before she's finally supposed to come to L.A., gets hit by a car, which is fucking kind of insane.

I was really looking forward to it. Made the plan on Sunday, and I knew you're gonna be out of town, so I was like, oh great, Saturday night. She even said, I'm going up, uh, I'm going— coming up there for a party, but like maybe before or after. I was like, oh great, I was really excited about it. And then I just opened Instagram, she's just in this big neck brace.

Has she canceled yet?

No, she— I haven't talked to her at all. I DM'd her, I said, are you okay? I'm so sorry, what happened?

Did she respond?

No, she didn't. Wow, she didn't respond. But I see her story that she's back home and okay. Okay, she looks okay.

That's crazy. That is the most typical Jason Nash.

I mean, unbelievable. Unbelievable. Can you believe it?

I mean, I honestly can.

You can?

It does, it does make sense. It doesn't— it does feel like something that would happen to you.

Yeah, well, that's, that's— I can't find love.

I went on Nikki Glaser's podcast.

Oh yeah, how was that?

She's really funny.

I've listened.

Nikki Glaser is a comedian.

Well, it's not a podcast, it's a show.

It's a show. Sorry, it's a show on Sirius. Um, and yeah, it's really interesting.

How was it? What did she ask you?

Well, we just like talked about a whole bunch of stuff, but it was really funny. I, I, I brought you up and she's like, oh, I know Jason Nash. Yeah, I don't know why that was like so cool.

So many—

the reason I like taking Jason to a lot of parties is because every single comedian has a story with Jason. And it's— I mean, it's usually like, yeah, we, we were at the club together and I spit on him.

Or yeah, yeah, no, it's usually like, oh yeah, you're in that audition and like it didn't work out.

The crazy part about Jason is like he, he was there for the come up of all these other comedians. That's so crazy. Like he was— any comedian you can name now Jason has been in the room with them at one point and been on the same level as them. That's kind of cool. You're like, you're like the Good Luck Chuck of comedians. Good Luck Chuck, I think, is a movie where, where this guy has sex with girls and then, and then the next person that the girl basically dates, she marries. And that's kind of the situation with Jason. Jason would be in rooms with comedians and then when they left, they'd become super successful. So you're working really hard after working really hard. Yeah, that's amazing.

Focused.

Well, how did you feel about that? Did you ever feel like, hey, there's all these comedians that are kind of killing it and I still can't get my foot in? Well, now, now you're— now you're doing exactly what you're meant to be doing. Like, you're killing it doing this. But like, I just—

I think I just felt like, oh, um, you know, it'll come, you know. And then, you know, you just— you just hope that it'll come.

If YouTube and Vine wouldn't have come around, how many more years till you would have given up?

I'd still be doing it.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh well, no, maybe not because of the kids. Yeah, but the only reason I did YouTube was because of my kids, because I was like, oh, this will be like a steady thing that I can like pay my bills. Sure, it worked out. But yeah, but yeah, if YouTube hadn't come around, I probably would have quit.

How many times were you on the verge of like giving up?

All the time, every day. I would always want to quit, but then I had nothing else to do either. It wasn't like I was like so brave, it's just like there's nothing else I could do. So I was like, I guess I'll keep doing this.

And what does that keep doing this mean? Like you were just going to What was your day like? Flashback 20 years ago. Sorry, flashback like 10 years ago.

10 years ago?

Yeah, like what were you doing 10 years ago?

Was like, um, like, hey, here's like $5,000, like go make a web series, or like, like it's a very small amount of money, or like go like act on a show for the day, have a couple lines, um, do stand-up, maybe write on a show. That was, that was my day, but I hated being a writer. I didn't like it. But yeah, I mean, I don't know. I think part of me just kind of thought, yeah, there's just nothing else to do, so I'll just keep doing this.

I went to the Dan Bilzerian party.

Yeah.

Okay. Dan Bilzerian has a party every year. I feel like we talk about this on the podcast every time. Last year he had a party for Valentine's Day and I really wanted to fucking get into it.

Sure.

And I couldn't get into it. The dude fucking hates guys. Like, the guy cannot have a guy at his party.

Sure.

Not a fan of it. So this year Jeff was like, yo, we're on the list, let's go. And I was like, fuck, I'm in New York. But I really wanted to go, so I put— I want one of my press days, I pushed back, and I got all my press done in a day just so I can come home early to go to this fucking Dan Bilzerian party. So I got home, I landed at like 8 or 9 PM. We went to this party and we were standing in line and it's a fucking mess. Like, long line, super long line, and it's like I mean, it's a ton of people, like 500 people there. So many people right outside his house. Right. And, and then fucking security. Security all of a sudden, all of a sudden starts yelling, if you have a cock, get out of the fucking line. You're not coming in. No more fucking dudes. If you have a dick, leave now. I don't give a fuck who you are. So, like, I won't even name, like, the celebrities that they were kicking out, but there were, like, some actual, like, celebs there that were guys that were just being fucking pushed out of the line.

Right.

Because he was just like, no fucking dudes. I don't give a fuck who you are. God, that's crazy.

That's crazy.

And like, yeah, I mean, it didn't matter if you were on the list or whatever. It just got—

they were just at capacity.

I don't know. It's just I don't know if they were at capacity or they're like, we have enough guys here. That's it. And the crazy part is there are still like 300 girls just waiting in line, like ready to go in.

Really?

Like, yeah, it was— it just— it was crazy. And another year I'm not going to this fucking damn Bulgarian party that I've been trying to go to.

That's— that's the second year in a row.

Yeah.

Second fucking year in a row happened last year. Anything?

We just didn't get on the list and we just kind of stayed outside.

I've got some crazy news stories for you here. Are you ready?

What happened?

An Instagram model was charged with trespassing after she broke onto the Super Bowl field in Florida. Kelly Kay was quickly detained by police, but not before she flashed the audience in a thong. When the Daily Mail reporter asked about the reasoning behind the stunt, Kay answered, I was just living my best life.

Oh, yep. I wonder why people More people don't streak. And what's the punishment for it? Uh, like, do you— like, I've always wanted to go on the sex offender list, I think. Oh, are you serious?

I don't know.

Like, I've always wondered, like, let's say when, like, a girl streaks right on a baseball field.

Yeah.

Like, when the guys, whatever, the security guards catch her, are the security guards, like, like, pissed about it? Or are they like, haha, we got you. Nice try. Like, that was fun.

Yeah. You know, I mean, no, I think they charge you now.

They charge you. Sure.

But like, are they pissed or do they mean like charge you with like the law?

What do you mean?

Like they put you in jail?

Yeah, but like, are they like mad or do they do that just to prove a point? Like, like, you know what I mean? Like if you get pulled over for drunk driving, a cop's gonna be like, what the fuck, you're drunk driving, right? But like when you pull over for— when you're— when you're caught for streaking, like isn't that more like kind of goofy? And it's like, okay, that's what kind of prick security guard you are. I don't know, like I feel like everyone enjoys—

if it were you and you busted some streakers, I know exactly what would happen. You'd be like, hey man, that was pretty fucking funny though, you know? Like, yeah, I gotta take you off, that was sick.

Yeah, of course.

But like, if it were me and I had to do that job all the time, fucking guy gotta run out to right field and catch your ass, no way. I'd be pissed for sure. Oh, the other day I go to start my phone, I tap it twice, right?

I was just gonna say how hard you fucking take it from sleep mode.

And David goes, once. Once you only got to tap it once like that. And I go, I go, what? You just got to tap it once. God, so fucking old.

Because Jason taps his— like when Jason tries to wake up his iPhone, it's like, this is, this is what I hear. I go, that's his— it's like he's fucking—

I have a strong index finger. I do finger pull-ups all the time.

You don't. You're mental.

That's true.

So the other day I was going through my DMs and the fucking Empire State Building DM'd me. Oh my God, isn't that crazy?

David's been walking around the house for the last couple days bragging, like, the verified account Empire State Building DM'd me, which is pretty fucking cool.

Like, listen, I'll be honest, some pretty cool people DM me and I get really lucky with these DMs, but I've never had one of the tallest skyscrapers in New York City, let alone in America, fucking send me a message.

It's so fucking cool, bro.

It is, because first of all, you would—

I grew up, I grew up watching the Empire State Building.

No, I grew up— yeah, I went— I remember the first time I found out about the Empire State Building. I mean, it's just fucking— it is kind of cool. Like, who's— first of all, how the fuck is it doing it? Because it's a building.

I know. Oh yeah, I know. That's, that's the amazing thing. And we were all shocked when it opened.

And guess what? You probably want to know this, but just by looking at it, but it has a good sense of humor. I've been talking to it and it like, it even sends emojis and shit. And I don't know, I'm so excited. I didn't know the Empire State Building had a verified account. And they sent me a DM like, hey, we'd love for you. We'd love— I don't know, maybe there's multiple buildings. We'd love for you.

Why would they say we?

Well, it's— I mean, dude, it's fucking— the building's been around for years. Maybe it just has a different sense of English or vocabulary. Right, right.

It's interesting. Yeah.

So he DM'd me and he's like, hey, I'd love for you to come by and visit the top of the building.

Oh my God.

I was like, yeah, for sure.

You know who DM'd me the other day? The Pentagon.

The Pentagon?

Yeah.

What do they say, that they're, that they're still investigating your, uh, your recent searches on Google?

Yeah, yeah, we get some NSA shit coming on there, so I probably should have brought that up.

I don't know.

So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna do an Instagram takeover? Are you gonna take it over? Or no? I just want to know.

First of all, I want to go visit.

I don't know, you, you can go visit. You've been to New York like 3 times this year. Why don't you ever go?

I'm always skeptical about meeting, meeting up with people from my DMs. First of all, I mean, I know it's not a catfish. It's verified, right?

Right. Of course.

I get to the address they send me and I go, this isn't the Empire State Building. It's just like a short— it's like a small house. I'm like, what the fuck? I've been scammed. No, I'm just going to go visit. I love—

like buildings.

Love big buildings.

Really?

Yeah. He's definitely my type. He's for sure my type of DM.

Yeah. I heard you're headed to Dallas today.

I am.

Excited?

Yeah, I'm going to speak at a convention.

David just asked me 5 minutes ago, I go, you're going to a college? He goes, no, it's— he goes, it's a conference. And then he goes, what's a conference? Have you been to VidCon?

Yeah, well, because that's a conference. Because I usually speak at colleges, and this time I'm going to conference, and like, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know what it means necessarily. Like, I know it's at a hotel rather than at the actual school, and there's other speakers like Ted Cruz, Jesse Eisenberg, um, like Sophia Bush. There's a bunch of other speakers. But like, when I go to colleges, I do like Q&As. Like, I don't give like gives fucking full-on speeches. So I'm scared, like I'm asking Jason if it's a conference because, like what a conference is, because I'm scared that it's gonna be like, okay, now Jesse Eisenberg will deliver his State of the Union address to the school. And then I come up and I answer questions about why Jason's balls are so saggy. Like I'm scared that I'm gonna have to like, I'm scared I'm gonna go up on stage, I'm not gonna match up with the rest of the talent there.

You also asked me, is it in one room? I don't know. I don't know. Probably not.

Well, if I think— If I think of conference— Yeah, Jason has no idea. Jason just found out I'm going to a conference and I'm asking him these questions. If I think of conference, I think of multiple rooms.

I would think of the multiple rooms as well.

I just listen—

Maybe one big room.

I'll be able to handle it if it's just like I'm talking to the students and having my Q&A. But I don't want like intellectual people, like not that the students aren't intellectual, but I don't want like Jesse Eisenberg, you know, backstage listening to like, what is this fucking moron talking about? Okay, that's what I'm nervous about.

So you're not gonna let any smart people in?

No, I'm just saying like the students will get what I'm talking about because they'll be like, they watch the videos, but like someone who doesn't watch the videos, they'll be like, what the fuck? Who let this kid come on stage here? So I'm kind of nervous about that. Yeah, and no smart people allowed. I actually have to go to the college right now. Yeah, I'm flying to Dallas today, but I'm back tonight if you want to hang out.

Oh, you know, I heard, I heard your schedule. It's a bullshit schedule.

Why?

Well, you do this thing where you're like, yeah, I'm going to go to Dallas, I'm going to do the conference, and then I'll be back at 10 to film with the boys and Zane, and we'll all go out and I'll get my footage. And then I heard this little conversation between you and Taylor, which was you looked at the flight and you're like, Taylor, I land at 11:58. I thought I was landing at 11. She's like, I know, I tried to get 11, but— So you're fucked.

Yeah, I come back a little late, but that's when you guys will be at the bar. And I'll come meet up with you guys.

Oh no, no, you're looking at 12:45. It's not gonna work for you. You should come home and go to bed. Okay, straight away. Today is a wash.

All right guys, well, I gotta go. I gotta go to the college.

Go check out David's merch. Go check out my merch. Go check out my Instagram. Go check out David's.

Go check out the Empire— everyone go comment on the Empire State Building's Instagram, um, page saying, hey, I'm really excited for this collaboration. Looking forward to it. Looking forward to it. And just say David Dobrik sent me here and see how that goes. All right. We'll see you guys later. This has been Views Podcast. My name is Jeff. Bye.

Bye-bye.