David Gets Arrested in His Driveway

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason met my trainer today.

What a cool guy.

How was that? How was it meeting someone that actually helps people get in shape? Just kidding, that was a knock on Jason's trainer Derek.

I will be sending you David's address and you can come beat them up.

All right, let's just roll intro music. Guys, this is me, this is David. And that's Jason, my buddy.

I'm Jason.

Jason, are you wearing a belt today?

Yeah.

Oh wow.

What's wrong with a belt?

I've never seen you wear a belt.

Uh, well, I lost a little weight, so I have to wear a belt now.

Yeah?

Yeah, not really. Yeah, my trainer is an ex-Marine, actually.

Really?

So watch out, watch your back.

Is he helping you?

Yeah, he's doing great.

Yeah. He's doing great.

I lost 9 pounds, what the hell are you talking about?

But that was because Jeff started working you out.

No, that's not true. Yeah, okay, you could— you can attribute it to Jeff all you want. Sure. Okay, I mean, I don't know why you want to diss my trainer. He helped our country win several wars. But if you want to treat the soldiers like that, David, go ahead.

No, no, I don't want to diss your trainer.

That's the one thing you can't diss in life, right? Soldiers.

There's a lot you can't diss, like the handicapped. I mean, there's a lot. There's actually a ton.

Yeah, but soldiers is definitely high up there. You never want to diss the soldiers because, because at the end of the day, even if the policies are wrong, even if the governments are are wrong. Soldiers don't fucking do it. They just do what they're told. Sure, that's their job. So they're—

they're Nazis. You can diss those guys.

Well, no, if the Nazi soldier said no, they'd get killed.

Yeah, but isn't there still—

I can't believe I'm sticking up for Nazi soldiers. Back up, back up, guys. Please do not put that on Twitter. I am not sticking up for Nazi soldiers. Please.

I was working out with my trainer today because you met him.

Yeah, what's his name?

Chris.

Chris.

Yeah, what was he said? He told me He told me that I'm gonna— he's trying to convince me that if I keep working out, I'm gonna get to a point where I love it. Yeah, I don't know if that's true.

Oh, that's so funny.

Are you there? Do you love it?

Yeah, there's days I love it, and then if I take a couple days off, I'm like, oh God, no, I absolutely hate it.

I don't like anything about it.

How long you been doing it?

Like, I've been doing it for 3 weeks, but I've only done it like 8 times in the last 3 weeks.

Yeah, I think you got to do more. At least go work out on your own.

He told me, he told me once you love it, he said Arnold Schwarzenegger once said that every time he pumps a weight, it feels like he's orgasming.

Yeah, that's the famous line from Pumping Iron, which is crazy.

Yeah. Imagine the pump. If lifting weights felt like masturbating or was anywhere near it, I would be the fucking most shredded person in our friend group.

Oh, that's why you texted me orgasm while you were working out. Yeah. David just texted me orgasm me when while he was working out. Orgasm when me, when me work out. That's what he just texted me because I was writing down notes and I was like, Oh, fucking gross.

Chris is so sexy, I just orgasmed while working out.

No, I don't know, bro, I gotta change my shorts.

No, I'm just— I'm curious. I'm curious if it ever gets to that point. I don't know.

Yeah, we went to Vegas last week, and I'm working on my show. I'm doing a show on Sunday. Yeah, a stand-up show. And we're on the plane, Dave is sitting behind me, and, uh, oh my God, I can't— I couldn't believe you did this. I couldn't believe this was on the top of the list. This was top shelf, David. High-end, David. This was— so I'm getting ready for my show, I'm pretty stressed about it. So I'm like, all right, I have stand-up, and then I'm like, I'm gonna fill a lot of time with just stories, you know, because I haven't been doing stand-up. So like 15 minutes of stand-up, and then I'm trying to come up with like a couple stories. And, uh, and David, uh, oh, is this when you asked me about stories? Sunday, Sunday at Irvine, actually, Irvine Improv. But I, I'm in my chair, I'm sitting there, and I'm like I know he's stressed. I know he's like, gotta get a vlog, and we're on our way to Vegas, and he's stressed because he's like paid for everybody to go to Vegas or whatever. And I'm like, but he is, he is like, he is like the best like creative person that I vibe with the best. David is, and he's very fun.

I don't think what I did was wrong. I remember when it came out of my mouth, I'm like, it sounds kind of harsh, but like I don't think it's that bad because I genuinely didn't know.

So I'm like, I'm not gonna ask him because I'm such a hesitant pussyfuck. And then hesitant pussyfuck, and then I go And then I go, no, you know what, David's my friend and he likes me and he wants to see me do well. I'm gonna turn around, I'm gonna ask him, do you— can you think of any stories from like our time together that would be good in stand-up?

Yeah.

So I turn around on the plane and I go, I go, hey, I go, hey, do you think of any stories that would be good for my stand-up? And you go—

you look at me, you're gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna totally twist this. I know exactly how I did it. Okay, I went, I went, I don't I don't— I can't think of any at the top of my head.

You go— you, you looked at me, you had a look on your face like, oh my God, this guy thinks I care about him.

It's not true.

You had a look on your face like this. You were like, oh wow, he actually thinks that I am concerned with him in any way. He thinks that we're friends.

No, I looked at you like that because I felt bad that I couldn't think of any stories at the moment.

And then he goes— then he goes, Well, probably maybe just go through the podcast like that.

And I was like, I could tell, I know, because I was like, I just want to say, I say, I can't think of any. Go through the description of all the podcasts.

What you said?

Yeah.

And which is basically like, fuck you, leave me alone. Yeah. Oh, couldn't— we're on the plane doing nothing. All the material I give you, all the ideas I was— I've given you countless ideas.

I've sat on that couch, on this couch, stressed 'cause Zane and Heath were fucking being loud and jeweling, and I thought we're gonna get kicked off the flight, so I wanted to put my head down and pretend like I wasn't part of the group. So then when you interacted with me, I'm like, fuck, I'm being dragged into this group. 'Cause Zane and Heath were like on this weird thing. They were like, oh baby, I hope we don't crash. I hope we don't crash, baby. And they were being so loud, and Heath was vaping, or jeweling, which is a felony. He's like, tell on me, tattletale bitch.

Yeah, and I'm like, okay.

What about Vegas?

That's what he kept saying.

Yeah, but no, I genuinely meant go through the podcast store stories. I literally just couldn't think of any stories. And what did you— did you go through the podcast stories?

I did. I came up with two.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Two good ones. I had, um, Vegas and, uh, well, I shouldn't say— go ahead.

Um, I had— well, actually, do you have— well, I had— okay, the other day we were here, it was like 4 of us, and cops pulled up to go to my neighbor's house. And, um, Natalie was out getting me Chipotle, and the cops pulled up, and I was like, what's going on? I was like— Heath walked in, he's like, the cops are here, they're at your neighbor's house. And I was like, oh my God, what's going on? So I went out to investigate because, you know, like, I'm a neighbor, so I have to go out and be like, hey, what's going on here?

Yeah, and I have a vlog channel.

This is my neighborhood. So they're at my neighbor's house and they peek over the fence and the cop goes, hey David!

Oh really?

Yeah, I was just watching one of your videos. And the other cop, the other cop then recognizes me too. He goes, David, oh what's up? My kids love your stuff. Oh no way, this is so fun. So, so I told him to come over. So they came over and, and, uh, and he's like, and that I could see Natalie pulling up with a car and I'm like, quick, quick, arrest me, arrest me. He's like, and he's like, okay, okay. And he takes out his Cuffs. And he's like, you want me to pull out my gun too?

I'm like, no.

He's like, what about some police brutality? I'm like, no, no, no, just put the cuffs on me. And he put the cuffs on me, and no one was filming, so it didn't look like a joke or anything, right? And then just Natalie walking up.

And what'd Natalie do?

She just stood— she didn't know what I did. She like texted her friend because she thought like I like accidentally shot someone or something.

She didn't say anything?

No, because she kind of just froze because she was walking into the driveway.

Some friend.

They were arresting me in the driveway and they were like asking me to spread my legs. They were like patting me down and Natalie was there and she was like just checking me. And yeah, but then I was like, I was just fucking kidding. I can keep a straight face. I was like, we're just fucking with you. And then Jeff walked up who's like an ex-convict and I saw him pulling up and I'm still talking to the cops and I'm like, that's my friend. He's an actual real criminal. And they go, what's his name? And I'm like, Jeff Wittek. And they go, okay, okay, okay. And then he's walking up and they go, Jeff Wittek, are you Jeff Wittek? And, and he goes, yeah. And they go, keep your hands where we can see them. And he pulls them out of his pocket and puts them up. And like, Jeff notices that I'm not recording either. So he's confused. And then we're just like, ah, no, we're just fucking with you. And Jeff's like, what the fuck, David? I'm actually a criminal. And these are actually real cops. You can't be telling police officers this.

What if Jeff just sprinted?

He's no, he saw them first and he thought they were like fake cops. So he sprinted the other direction. Yeah. As a joke. But then he came back and then he realized that they were real cops and that's when I— yeah, they were, they were so nice. Oh yeah. It's so, it's so crazy when, when, when like a cop is nice to you, it's like, it's like the craziest thing. Right. Because cops are so scary.

Or if cops are fun.

Yeah.

You don't expect them to be fun.

When cops are fun, you're just like, what the fuck? Yeah. It's like, it's so, it's so easy for a cop to make you laugh because it's the last person you'd expect to make you laugh. It's like, it's like a priest making you laugh or like, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. But yeah, give me one of your jokes for your stand-up gig. I want to, I want to judge it. Like, give me a story that you have.

I have a joke. It goes, um, it goes— but I go, I have a joke about you. I go, oh, David, uh, David's, David's great, you know. And this, this is why David's great. He's, uh, he's— who, who else would pick up a 45-year-old guy off the street, you know? That's like really great. And I remember when I met him, I said, David, I'm broke. I I said, you know, my kids don't respect me, I'm divorced, I owe $80,000 in taxes, never been able to hold down a job, I've failed at every single thing I've ever done in my life. And David looked at me and he said, you're perfect. I love you in every way. I said, really? He goes, yeah, don't change a thing.

That is, that's a pretty good joke. Can I add to it?

Please. Oh wow, now you're gonna be helpful.

Yeah, just don't say my name. Don't say that joke. Keep my name out of your mouth.

I tried to tell you a David joke.

I'm kidding. What's your favorite joke?

My favorite joke?

Dude, how is it bombing on stage? Um, let me—

it's funny.

How is it when you go on stage? No, how is it?

How does it— it's fun. It's fun in a way.

You like bombing on stage?

Yeah, I imagine so. Ridiculous.

You think it's fun? Is it just like when I get turned away from frat parties? Is it the same thing?

Same feeling, right? It's how you just think it's hilarious that you're getting turned away, and it just makes you want to do more.

Interesting. It's, it's, it doesn't hurt your ego when no one laughs.

No, you get to a point with stand-up where you're just like, it's, you're working stuff out. So it's like, it's almost like if you had to like show your raw footage.

Why are you doing—

yeah, why am I doing it?

Yeah, why are you doing stand-up gigs?

To make money.

Okay. Yeah, that's funny because the raw footage on my blog, I was, I was editing with Joe once and he was like watching me edit and he came over when I was like really early and Yeah, like really early in the vlog and I had like 3 hours of footage to cut through, right? And he was watching me cut through it and he goes, oh, holy fuck, like, this shit's awful, right? Like, it's so crazy. Like, like the shit you dig through to make like a good vlog, right? People don't realize, like, it's like, yeah, my friends are hilarious, but it's like, it's 30 minutes of filming to get to one joke in the vlog. Like, it's like, it's not easy at all.

Yeah, I know, I know. It's, it's, it's, it's terrible when you— it's so funny— when you spend 30 minutes with you and you don't get anything.

Yeah, my least favorite is when I film with people and they're so down about not getting anything, right? Like, like Scott, every time, every time, every time I film with Scott, at the end of it, at the end of like filming with him for 20 minutes, he goes, ah, we didn't get anything. Or like, well, like we'll be filming for like 3 minutes, like I'll put the camera in my car and I'll just be like, let's just talk, like let's just talk about stuff.

Yeah.

And like literally like 3 minutes in, he'll just be like, this isn't funny, none of this is going in. And I think, don't say that. Yeah, yeah, like stay positive, like we're just, we're literally just talking.

Yeah, I hate That too.

Let's just have a conversation.

Yeah. Like, I, and I hate when people are like, I like, um, I know you're going to like use this and it isn't funny. I'm like, no, it is funny. Like, I think it's great. I went to Bone Sweet Bone the other day.

What's that? Is where you get your dog food? Yeah.

It's a, it's a, it's a place. It's a place where I clean my dog. Isn't that a funny name?

Bone Sweet Bone. Oh, I get it. Home sweet home.

It sounds like a porno.

Oh, that is kind of funny. It does sound like a porno. You take your dog there to get cleaned?

Yeah. It was pretty fun. I flipped out though.

Why?

Because the dog, like, like, I hate when I— once in a while I will flip out in front of my kids and it's so, so bad. But like, the dog like wouldn't get out of the, um, the car.

What do you mean when you get out of the car?

The dog knows. The dog doesn't want to be cleaned. And the dog's smart. He knows Bone Sweet Bone.

He knows when he's there?

Yeah, he knows when he's there.

What do you mean? I don't get that. I don't get that. I underestimate dogs, I think, a lot.

The dog knows he's going to Bone Sweet Bone and he's gonna get clean. He's gonna get an oatmeal bath. He goes once a month, and so he won't get out of the car.

And then I'll cut the story short, but like, he won't get out of the car.

What?

And you say, come on, let's go.

Yeah, and you're pulling him. Then he did get out of the car and the leash came off him. So then he's on Ventura Boulevard and I'm like, just get him, fuck, get on the sidewalk. And he just lost my shit. I hate when he loses my shit.

And he's walking away from Bone Sweet Bone.

He's running.

He's in Ventura Boulevard, like running the opposite direction.

Yeah, away from Bone Sweet Bone. And I just hate, I just hate when I, when I panic, when I get scared. Yeah, I start yelling. What, it's just like a bad trade.

What else does your dog do?

He'll take his— he takes his toy and he digs in his bed like he's burying the toy, but he's just— he's just—

dogs are weird.

Dogs are great.

Do you want a new one?

I want a dog so badly.

Yeah, you'd actually want a dog?

I do, but I can't with my lifestyle.

But you can't have one?

I can't in that house either.

Okay, cuz I went through like a serious dilemma like 5 days ago.

Getting me one?

I was this close to buying you a dog.

Oh really?

Yeah.

If it was a golden retriever, I asked everyone at the party.

We were at a party. We were at a Christmas surprise birthday party.

Yeah.

And I asked everyone, I was like, go talk to Jason, feel him out, see if he wants a dog.

And no one came up to me.

Mike Sheffer did.

What did he say?

He was like, so you want— would you want a dog?

Oh yeah, maybe he did.

Yeah. And like everyone was feeling you out. Like I had the dog ready to go.

You did?

Yeah.

And why didn't you pull the trigger?

Because, because see, like, as much as I— like, one of my favorite surprises to give to people is a dog. Yeah, you're literally giving them 15 years or however many years of responsibility. It's literally like handing someone a baby.

Mm-hmm.

It's like me coming inside you and now you're pregnant.

Mm-hmm.

Kind of.

Don't surprise me with that.

It's like, it's like, it's literally like that. Like, it's like, up, here you go, here's your response. And it's like, and as much as I wanted to have that 45-second bit of you being excited with a dog, I was smart and I was like, it's going to cost me so many hours down the road.

Yeah. You'd be so frustrated with me.

I'd hate— you'd be like, I'd be like, we need to go to Chicago. And you'd be like, I have a dog.

Can't. I can't. And that would be such a great excuse.

I had it ready. It was a golden retriever puppy. Yeah. He was adorable. No, there was like a family of like 7 of them. Full—

what, like a boy?

Oh boy, yeah, you want a boy? Well, now I know what to get, but I wouldn't—

I was gonna, I was gonna screw Marnie over like a month ago.

Yeah, why did you— I was explaining this, you weren't into this, you wanted to surprise your ex-wife with a dog. Yeah, for what reason?

Because, because she won't say no, she already has a dog, and you wanted to screw her over.

Oh, not, not to be like, fuck you, but to be because you wanted one too.

Yeah, because it's like, I get it, I get a video She takes care of the dog and we're done.

Oh, that's fucking evil.

Yeah, it is, because, because she's such a softie for Golden Retriever puppies that— and I'm the same if someone gave it to me.

Are you happy that didn't surprise you?

I am.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, but if you did, because if you did, if you gave that to me last week, game over. Oh yeah, there's no way I can look into the dog's eyes and not like immediately connect with a Golden Retriever and mind meld with the dog as soon as I've had two Golden— I had 3 Goldens in my life. And then you get in there and you lock with that dog, and then you think that—

okay, okay, you think that the dog was meant to be for you. That's enough.

And you're like immediately connected.

Bring in a new co-host. Um, no, that's— yeah, I'm glad I didn't do it because that would have wasted a lot of time.

Yeah.

You see, I have my own burrito now.

I saw, I just tweeted about it.

Yeah, yeah, Chipotle gave me my own burrito on their website.

Incredible, David, incredible.

What can I say?

You know, it's funny No, no brand has ever been matched up with the right person before. I know, in, in life.

I don't think they realize.

I don't think they do either.

They don't understand how much I eat it. I think if Chipotle knew, they'd be like, okay, take it easy, we're not that good.

Yeah, David eats Chipotle once a day.

I eat it once a day.

Yeah, on the weekends too.

Yeah, I eat it, I eat it at least 5 times a week.

At least.

Yeah, at least for 2 years. And, um, I was with the Chipotle team yesterday because they're taking pictures of me. I'm doing a campaign with Chipotle, right? And which is exciting.

I don't know, did that fall through when I was gonna work with you on that? Did that—

it did fall through. Yeah, Jason, I was— Jason was supposed to work on it with me.

Good to know.

It did fall through one time.

We were sitting—

they didn't have enough Chipotle for you. They said, oh, he's gonna destroy the batch. We can only make black beans once a day.

I'm working on it, okay? I'm working on it. We were sitting in the parking lot and Dave was on the phone with Chipotle saying, and yeah, And yeah, maybe we get Jason involved in this, huh? Throw him like $10 grand. And I was like, oh damn, that would be great. Yeah, I'd love to help with Chipotle.

I love trying to get Jason involved because it makes the job easier and he's broke. Um, but, um, yeah, so that fell through. But we were actually— we were at Chipotle and we were taking pictures and the Chipotle guy was like, how often do you really eat Chipotle?

Yeah.

And I'm like, I'm like, probably 5 times a week at least. And he just didn't understand. He's like, are you being serious?

Yeah.

And I'm like, no, like 100%, 8 to 5. Like, they didn't They don't— you're right, that is the best pairing for a brand. Yeah, like it's like pairing you with like the Big Mac.

Yeah, pretty much.

No, it's like, it's like pairing you with, um, I don't know, what do I eat a lot of?

Nicorette. Oh, what a pair that would be. Yeah, they don't do ads.

Nicorette or hard drugs. It's like pairing you with heroin. Um, no, it is, it's the, the best pair. Now they gave me my own burrito on their website, which is crazy.

So now when you order it, you order your burrito.

Yeah.

Is it there for good?

I don't know. What's called the Doughbrick Burrito, and you order it and it could come to your house and it's great.

You get it down in Studio City?

Okay, it's only online.

Yeah, it's not gonna be like one— it's not gonna say chicken, steak, Doughbrick. It's not gonna do that. Oh, online.

So through like Postmates?

No, they have their own delivery system.

Yeah, cool. Oh, I know I had something I wanted to talk to you about.

Hey, when you start— every time it's something, every time he has something to fucking like bash me for, he goes, he goes, he does with his high voice, he goes, oh, I know, I know what I'll bring up that I normally don't bring up, and unless there's cameras around, I'll bring it up now. Here it is written in my notes. Well, David, the other day— okay, go.

The other day you, um, I know, uh, you went, you, you asked me to go to eat. And I thought, you know what? No, no, he is the worst person to eat with. Sure, you are the worst.

Where'd I ask you to go eat?

I don't know, you asked me to go eat. You were eating somewhere. You are the worst.

I went to eat at Catch the other day. I stayed there for 2 hours.

You did?

Yeah, I found out what a Shirley Temple was.

That's— oh, annoys the hell out of me.

What?

I show you things, you say it sucks, and then a month later you're sitting with some fabulous person like, are the fries amazing here? What? I showed you the fries at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

You're like—

then I see you go to the Beverly Hills Hotel with new people when I took you there and told you everything was great, and you pissed on it.

You know what? And I do that all the time. That's one of my— it's lit. It's so fucking crazy because I only like— I'm really bad at having my own opinion on things.

Yeah.

So I like things when other people like them. So like, if you can, you can try this one day. Like, have, have my merch company bring in a new t-shirt and I'm gonna hate it automatically. And then when Natalie walks in and she goes, it's fucking great, I'll go, oh, okay. And then, and then to her face, I'll be like, I think it sucks. And then when she leaves and new people come in, I'll hold up the merch. I'll be like, how fucking sick is this? I do that all the time. Like, I, like, like, I'll take what I hear from other— like, I only like hotels. Yeah, because I hear from other people that they like them. It's fucking weird. I can't make my own opinion.

You can't go into a hotel and say, wow, this is really nice.

I can, but like like, you know, like those old types of hotels. Like, what's that one with the rooftop where we went with Karen to eat?

Oh yeah, Le Petit Hermitage.

Like, it's like a— it's like a really old-timey hotel. I would never fucking go there, right? But everyone loves it. So every time someone comes into town, I always recommend that hotel. I'm always like, that's the hotel you got to go. People love that place. And I would never stay there. And I even stayed there once. I think I bought a room for me and Liza because— because I thought people liked it so much. And she loved it, but I fucking hated it.

You didn't like how old— what's your ideal?

I think it's like a people-pleasing complex or something like that. I don't know what it is, but my favorite hotel are like the modern ones. The Mandarin Hotel in Vegas.

I've never been there.

Oh, it's the best. It's so modern.

Yeah, it's really modern.

Yeah, what were you saying? What did I do the other day?

Oh yeah, and then, and then also, also when you eat, you, you have— you show up late and you have people order for you.

I think that's so generous of me.

Oh, That is so rude. It ruins the experience for everyone else. You said we work so hard. A meal is your— oh, it's that 45 minutes to an hour.

It's not like I go, Jason, go ahead of me and fucking order. It's because I'm running late and I was just like, just order for me. I don't want to make you wait and then order when I get there on time.

Be on time so we can all experience a meal together.

Um, I don't know if you understand, I have to take care of Natalie, okay? I have to get her food. I have to clean the house.

Really?

What? Yes.

Are you smoking pot?

Yes. I did, um, I did a Make-A-Wish the other day though.

Oh, how'd it go?

It was fun. Yeah, it was fucking— it was like being on a first date. Yeah, it was really nerve-wracking.

Good for you. I'm proud of you. Thanks, because you know, I know you raced home from Vegas to make that.

It was so funny. I was in Vegas. I'm like, I got to get home to do a Make-A-Wish as like all my friends are fucking plastered drunk. Yeah, so we came— I came home early to do this Make-A-Wish.

Go.

I came here and then we went to Chipotle and then we came back and I—

oh, they came here?

Yeah, they came over, we hung out for like 2 hours. It was so nerdy. It's so crazy, like, like they pulled up and the girl was just like crying right away. Her name is Casey and it was just insane. Oh my god, I should say with Casey, her name's Casey.

Her name's Casey.

She listens to this podcast.

Oh, hi Casey.

But no, it was just— it's insane to like see that that, like, you have an effect on a person's life like that. Like, it just— it's so insane. Like, she's been— I think she's cancer-free now for a year, so she's good.

Oh good, she's in the clear. Yeah, your videos cured her cancer.

She was telling me how her little sister— how her little sister wanted to Make-A-Wish. Yeah, and her parents were like, no, no, you don't get a Make-A-Wish. And then her little sister goes, well, okay, well then I want cancer. She just didn't really get it. No, but yeah, did you say my videos cured her cancer?

How old is she?

15, I think. She's a freshman.

Oh yeah, that's fantastic.

It's the best year.

Yeah, so that— didn't that feel— I feel like that makes you feel better than anything. Yeah, right. Giving. Yeah, giving makes you feel the best.

Well, I love giving. That's why I love surprising people with things, right? That's my favorite.

That's why I was gonna get a dog last week. Yeah, damn, I keep thinking about the dog.

May get it this week.

We'll see how short I am.

That's crazy. I'm like, so you know, I like how like there's a lot of vloggers that are pretty— like, this, this has like judged my sanity to me. Like, there's a lot of vloggers that will do anything for their videos, right? Natalie's been begging me for a dog. She's like, please fucking surprise me with a dog. Yeah, but I know that I can't have a dog in this house because it'll just be bad for me. And like, but I know how great the video will be when I surprise—

why would it be bad for you?

Well, I can't take care of another thing. I can't have another object running around the house. Like, it's just like too much energy for me, right? Like, I need to like just be here.

You have so many people here all the time that'll watch the dog and take care of the dog.

I know, I just can't do it.

You don't want it.

But like, the fact that I still haven't caved in and gotten her the dog, because I would love the video, I'm really impressed by it.

I am too. I was impressed you didn't buy me the dog.

I was so impressed I didn't get you the dog. And I was like, I can't believe it, because it's so easy to do. You get someone a dog and they're fucking— it's, it's the best feeling getting someone a dog. Yeah, even like, I used to surprise Liza with dogs not to keep, just to play with for a day, because I loved it. I thought it was so great.

Right?

People love dogs.

Yeah, they really do. I did, uh, I did Walk on Water yesterday. I'm sorry, Walk for Water. I kept calling it Walk on Water.

Oh, well, you did a charity, right?

Well, no, I just went to my son's school and I volunteered.

And you hosted something? Yeah, you know, you butt-dialed me. I heard in the middle of it.

What did you hear?

It was like, okay, Billy, because he was hosting some charity event or some shit, and, and all I hear is I pick up the phone, it's like, okay, Billy, how'd you become so generous? How did you get so generous? And Billy was like, what? And Jason's like, how did you get so generous? That's all I heard. Do you remember saying that?

I said that exactly. That was the kid who raised the most money. Yeah, yeah, the kids that got—

how the fuck do you butt dial me while hosting an event? Imagine Jimmy Kimmel calling one of his friends and like while he's interviewing Johnny Depp. So Johnny, what got you to start? Like, are you fucking serious?

I had a megaphone and I was running around because I got there and they were also Jason is—

is— he's so impressive. He's the only person I've ever seen to butt dial people on an iPhone. There's— especially now, there's not a single button on the iPhone. So like, how am I—

unless you're—

unless your ass has like tiny fingers, or it's like— I don't know how you're fucking doing it. I have no idea how you unlock your phone because it needs facial recognition to unlock.

So I don't have that. I don't have facial recognition on.

I don't know what happens. You just unlock it and you dial with your ass, and it is so impressive. Because you do it constantly. And I'll hang up on you and you'll butt dial me back like your ass is pissed that I wasn't like holding a conversation with it. It's really weird. It's really bizarre, but good for you.

Anyway, I got there and I'm supposed to— they're supposed to walk for water. It's a walkathon. Yeah, so there's like a PA system set up and I'm supposed to host it and say, you know, we raise all this money and blah blah blah. And so then when I butt dialed you, I was calling out the kids who had had won the most, who had raised the most money. Sure. And so I wanted the girls— I went up to and I go, how did you do it? I had a mega— I had to carry a megaphone because this PA system didn't work. I was like, how did you do it? How'd you raise so much? She's like, she's like, oh, my mom just did it. My mom just paid the most. That was it. I was like, oh, okay, never mind. But then we left and, um, Wyatt was there. And as we were leaving, he goes, uh, he goes, you know, that was all— and by the way, it was great. Everyone was really nice and I was exhausted. He goes, you know, that was all pointless, right? And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, well, yeah, the money was already raised online. He's like, they just had a bunch of kids walking around.

Oh yeah. Oh, you were there to like raise money?

Raise money for like a filtered water station that they'd already raised. They already raised $13,000.

So you thought you were there working?

I thought I was there like raising money.

Holy fuck. Why did you see that? Your dad just raised $50,000. No, Dad, they raised it all online. It's crazy everything that's happening online, like Natalie was telling me that she doesn't think there's gonna be malls in a couple years.

I've heard that.

Do you think that's true? Because you go to like a mall here and it's like pretty fucking empty, especially back home in Vernon Hills. The malls are like dead. The stores are clearing out. The names are being ripped off, like the outside of the building.

That big mall that we go to, is that— is that— yeah, people aren't going to that anymore.

No one's going to it. You can get everything online.

I see people there. We're there.

No.

Really? The malls here are full. The Grove's full. The Grove. I think they'll always be— people want to touch clothes, people want to try stuff on. I think they'll always be there, don't you?

Yeah, but Natalie was saying now you can order something and it comes to your house, and if you— if it doesn't fit, you just send it back and it doesn't cost anything.

Yeah, but who wants to do that? You don't do that. You go shopping all the time.

Yeah, but I only go because that's a film.

But you buy stuff.

Yeah.

I never see you order anything online. You order pants online?

No, I would hate to order pants online.

So there you go.

But that's just because I'm not progressive enough.

Oh, you know what else you do that I hate? Captain Hindsight, that's you.

Oh yeah, what is that? You were explaining that to me.

Captain Hindsight. You just— we go, we got to the airport the other day, go, Natalie, we're so early. Like, yeah, we're supposed to be. And then we were in the— we went into the airport, you're like, oh, this line. Yeah, why didn't we get on the plane earlier?

What's Captain Hindsight? Is it like, like things that can't change, or like things—

Oh, hindsight, like you always, you're always looking back at something saying like, we should have done it this way. Well, it's over. It didn't happen that way. We're here.

I know.

Why make everybody feel like shit?

Because that's how we learn for next time. Like, hey, never learn. Well, yeah, but now Natalie will be like, oh fuck. Last time Captain Hindsight said we got there too early, and then this time we won't get there too early.

Or how about you don't drag everyone to Vegas at 10:30 at night because you flipped a coin?

Yeah, that was fun.

Yeah, did you have fun?

Yeah, I had a great time.

Was it worth it?

Did you?

I had fun. I— once I got there, I was like, this is incredible, what a great idea. I got a burst of energy. It was great.

Vegas is great.

By the time 2:30 you guys were getting pizza, I was like, what did I do? Why did I come here? Because it was— it ruined me for— oh, and then yesterday, then yesterday, this guy, I get in the car, I go, Vegas, wipe me out. It goes, just wipe me out. And he goes, huh, what? Vegas? That was like 2 days ago. Like that, making me feel like I'm the old guy.

Guys, if you've been listening to the show, you've heard me talk about Framebridge. They make it super easy and affordable to frame your favorite things. From art prints and posters to travel photos sitting on your phone. Guys, you know, you know Framebridge.

I mean, I know all about it, David.

So much.

That's what I do on Mother's Day. Every Mother's Day I do—

frame. Honestly, I feel bad that I'm even bringing it up again because I know you know so much about it.

I'm insulted that you would even ask if I know about Framebridge. Am I an idiot? Do I look like an idiot?

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The best gifts are from my kids, you know, the really dumb ones, like, like the drawings. Drawings. Yeah, those are just the cutest. What, what's like working to them?

Oh, how did you propose to your wife? Did I ask you this?

Yeah, I think we talked about it. I gave the— I put the ring in the dog's mouth. Oh, I said, who's got the dog?

Someone.

How did you propose to Ilya?

Um, this is private, guys. I'm gonna call my friend Reggie here. A couple months ago, we made a video with Reggie where he came out to his parents, and we like basically celebrated him coming out. It was really exciting. I want to see what his thoughts are after the video. How has it been since you've come out? What is it like? Explain that process to people that don't know what that feels like.

Um, it's actually like coming out of the closet. It's like it feels like you've been trapped your whole life and you can can't speak about it, like even to your, like, your parents, or like— I mean, I came out first to like my brother during dinner, and then—

How did he react?

Um, he thought I was just homosexual.

Wait, that is what you are? You are homosexual?

I meant like, um, not homosexual, uh, metrosexual.

Oh, like when you—

I think like you like to dress nice. No, Reggie, we know, we know that you like dress nice and we're okay with it.

I told my brother, but he thought I was just homosexual. Yeah, you are. That's another word for gay.

But it just like seems such a relief, just like knowing that you're like, you're— you could live your life like normally, you know. For like a straight person, you don't have to be like, I'm straight, you know. But like for a gay person to come out, it's like, wow, like I could actually like talk about myself, talk about my sexuality, talk about like what I could do in life, you know.

Has anybody— has any— has anybody like not, not responded in a positive way, or is everyone in your family like, hell yeah?

I mean, like, it's like a huge culture shock to them, you know, but like they still support me. They— it's like I haven't changed or anything.

How are your DMs looking now, now that everyone knows that you like guys?

Um, I saw your DMs that night. You were a hot commodity. I don't know, it's because you were new to the— new in town, new to the market.

But yeah, when the video came out, when Reggie, um, when Reggie came out and the video came out, he was like, wow, I'm so glad everyone knows I'm gay.

No, they were popping before. No, before the video came out, you showed me in the car and you had a lot of responses. What? Yeah, I was in the car with you.

Oh, I don't know, but you threw a couple my way. Yeah, no, but like most of like the response, like after you like you released the video, it was like mostly like, wow, you like actually helped me come out to my parents. Like, yeah, really touching like stories. And then like one night I legit just like read all the DMs. Like I like started tearing up. That's like when I was like, oh my God, this is fucking overwhelming.

Yeah.

And then it was just like, oh wow. Like, it's like, it's a lot.

Really nice, Reggie. Really touching. Could you imagine if you had to walk around all the time and you had to lie and be like, no, no, I like boys, I like boys?

And yeah, I got like a lot of, um, a lot of feedback from that video. You did? The people like even like saying like, you don't even know, you don't even know what that video did for me. Like, you just made a fun video that like you thought was fun, but like it meant a lot to us. And like, that was really cool.

So yeah, thank you. Thank you, Reggie.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Thanks for being here.

Thanks for being here.

I love it.

What are we, fucking NBC Studios?

I love talking.

Thanks for coming. Thanks for flying down.

And I love when they transition like that on news shows. And, uh, Walter, thanks for coming by. They're just like buying time.

Yeah.

David Dobrik, thank you so much for taking the time. This next segment on the podcast, uh, is by our editor Joe. We give him 25 seconds. By our friend Joe, we give you 25 seconds in exchange for editing this podcast. Here's Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast.

3, 2, 1, action!

What's up, weenies?

Today we have a special—

fuck that, no, fuck that. This is a great day. Joe brought a Ouija board.

We're talking to the dead.

No, get the fuck out of here. We have— no, I'm not doing this shit in my house. Joe, get that fucking shit out of my house.

I just want to ask them something. I Wrong with it.

I don't want it in my house.

What are you, what are you like. Oh, where are you from? Czechoslovakia. Like weird old spooked old lady.

This cost $8.

You think we're really going to talk to the dead?

I don't like those things. I know. I'm really scared and I sound like an idiot. Get them out. 25 seconds is out. Fuck you.

Extra 25 seconds. Go. All right, we're busted it open.

Jason, can you hold the mic near my mouth?

Yeah. Now we're going to ask all of the really important questions.

Oh, it is real. No, no, no, no, no.

I need everyone's hand. I need everyone's hand. Joe?

No. Joe?

No. Jason, ready? I'm gonna ask the hard-hitting questions.

This is over 25 seconds.

If anyone's here, please tell us.

Joe?

Jason, put your finger on there. Where? Here?

Yeah.

Here?

Go for it.

It said yes. It said yes.

Next question. You didn't ask a question.

Yeah, I said if there's any dead people here.

Oh, okay. Is this place haunted, and is David gonna— is David's spirit gonna go to hell? Another yes.

Oh my God!

That's weird! That's weird! One more question. Who has the shittiest podcast in the room?

All right, let's see. It's going to V-I-E-W. Views. Weird. Okay, give me 25 seconds. Go, take it out of here.

Oh, I didn't know you're really scared of that.

Scared of them? I just don't like them.

You don't bring that kind of thing in my house. It brings bad spirits.

I don't know. You're not welcome back next week.

I am old lady from Czechoslovakia.

I told you we played with that thing once. I didn't believe it, but I was young and like I woke up with so many bruises. I woke up with a big-ass bruise on my arm.

From what?

I told you the story.

I don't hear anything you say.

Well, we said on the podcast before, I'm pretty sure we played with the Ouija board once.

Yeah, yeah, you guys freaked out.

Yeah, it was crazy.

You're so weird. You're like, I don't believe in ghosts, but then all of a sudden you're like, I don't like the Ouija board.

I know it— you can literally pick it up at Toys R Us, which is ridiculous. I just don't like it.

Yeah, it's kind of funny. That's kind of ridiculous.

It is pretty fucking— it is, it is Nuts. I have no idea.

But then my Barbie Dreamhouse, I just will not let it in my house.

My Barbie Dreamhouse. It's, you know what it is? It's because I had one bad experience with it as a kid.

Okay.

That's just like stuck to me.

Yeah.

I mean, and I know it's bullshit.

Um, it's like, I can't, um, I can't watch Little League games because my father fucking terrorized me during them.

Oh, okay. It's a little darker. That's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. My name is Jeff. That is Jason, and we are Jeff and No, but thanks for listening to the Views podcast. Go buy our merch, go tweet us. We'll see you guys later.

Bye.