Looking Up My Girlfriend on Pornhub

What's up guys, welcome to The Views. Um, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this.

I don't want to fucking do this.

Oh, this is awful.

We, uh, can we just put out the audio of you just talking?

We just recorded a podcast. It's 11:30 at night right now and we, we just recorded a podcast and Jason's mic wasn't on, so everything he said, you, it's, you can't hear it. It's inaudible.

It's just David talking, which may be actually a really good podcast, so Even without Jason's, I think we should just post that one as well to let people hear it. Yeah, it was pretty good.

Maybe we can do— maybe it could be like a mashlib version of like a podcast where you put in your own words, where you can have a conversation with me.

That's a great idea.

And we can title it Have a Conversation with David Podcast. Um, all right, roll the intro music. Hey, what's up guys? This is a podcast. I'm 21 and I don't give a shit about this. And Jason's 45. This sucks, guys. You don't understand. It's like, it's Jason and I don't have conversations really almost ever unless it's about—

we had a nice conversation. It was a great podcast. David talked about a girl who he was in love with and she picked her ass.

Fuck, don't give it away. I have to tell the story again. Jesus Christ.

It'll be better the second time. It's still funny to me.

I had— there was a girl I really liked and you know, you have to ask act. You have to— everything I tell you this podcast, you have to act surprised.

Okay, I'll act surprised.

Okay, go ahead. God damn it, I'm so pissed. We look— guys, for 42 minutes we sat here and we, we went through the entire podcast, the entire podcast, and then we went to the week, we went through Coachella, everything.

We talked about everything.

We read our fucking ads. We all— we bet— you know what, we read our ads so, so far and deep, I was ordering stuff on Amazon from all the ad money we already made because that's how much we read our ads.

He was crisp, he was clear, He enunciated. They were the best ad reads that a man has ever done.

I freestyled. I freestyled. I did a bunch of shit.

Like, we had Cardi B on the podcast. She was only here for a minute, and she was only on Jason's mic.

Yeah, Cardi B came in and with, with her boyfriend Offset, and she— and then, and then Beyoncé and Jay-Z were also here, but they were only on Jason's mic.

So hey, you know, you know what I heard? My friend, he tried to text the word Migos the other day, and oh, I saw the N-word came out. Oh my God, can you believe that? So be careful.

We can say who it is because—

no, let's not say who it is. I mean, you can.

It's not a big deal at all, right? Why is that a big deal?

I mean, autocorrect. Just don't be typing Migos because a bad word comes out in autocorrect.

Okay, our friend was typing— our friend was at Coachella or something, and he was typing to his Black friend. That's the best part. He's like He's like, I know, I don't know, I don't know if it was Coachella because they weren't playing at Coachella, but, but it was like, yeah, I'm listening to Migos or something, and, and they corrected to the n-word. And, and then he sent another text and he's like, Migos, Migos, Jesus Christ, I meant to say Migos. And it was so fucking weird because it like, yeah, I saw the text and straight up the n-word. The end. I was like, what? There's no way. How the fuck does this happen? Anyway, back to this girl.

So there was this girl texting, I told you to pick me up some juice the other day.

Yeah, juice autocorrect to the end came out as Jews. Oh, well, that happens a lot here on Like This. Um, I— so I— so, okay, so I was in the 5th grade and I, I really liked this girl and she was, she was my everything. Her name was, uh, actually, I don't want to give away her name. Her name was Daniela. Um, and I was— she used to go to the bathroom a lot for some reason. I don't know what it was, but she always went to the bathroom What was pretty about—

what was so great about this girl? Was she Slovakian too?

She— no, she wasn't. That's, that's not something I'm into.

Okay.

Um, holy shit, our last podcast was so good. I know, we talked about so much shit.

I know, and you always think they're bad.

We can't dwell on the past.

You're only saying it's good because it doesn't exist.

Exactly, exactly.

You're such a Snapchat kid.

Yeah. Um, no, but I really like this girl, and she used to use the bathroom a lot. I don't know why she used the bathroom. But one day she got back from the bathroom and she ran her fingers along her back, like down her backside and down into her butt crack and was like, literally looked like she was digging for gold. And then she pulled it up and she put her fingers by her face and she sniffed her fingers. And I could still remember, I remember everything. I remember what she was wearing. I remember the face. What was she wearing? She was wearing a white shirt and like this like red cashmere like little top like right over it, and I remember her face. I remember her nose like crunching when she smelled it, and then she went back into the bathroom and finished, I guess.

And that was it? You fell out of love with her right there?

Yeah, yeah, no, that was it. That was it for me.

You were done?

I was done.

Why? Why?

Because that—

if you really loved her—

I was young, so it didn't take much.

What if it happened now? Yeah, what if Liza came back from the bathroom, stuck her finger in her butt, sniffed it.

Would that— I would— what would you do if she did that? She'd be doing it as a joke, but it's weird that it, like, it happened so seriously. I don't know.

What if it was a joke? You missed it.

What if— what if Liza did it, like, for real? Yeah, I don't know. I honestly don't know.

Have you ever done that?

Have I ever done that?

Have you ever stuck your finger in your butt and sniffed it?

Who cares?

Oh, so, well, wait, yeah, answer the question.

No, shut up. That's not what this podcast—

answer the question, David.

Yes. I mean, I'm sure I fucking done it, right? I mean, yeah.

So then why can't you afford her that luxury?

Because it's a weird thing to do in public when I'm sitting right next to this girl and she doesn't know you're sitting there perving. She knew I was perving at her.

Did she know? Did she know that you were into her?

No.

Maybe she knew you guys couldn't be together because you, like, you were too young and her father wouldn't let her see boys. So this was her way of sniffing her fingers and being like, I don't want to do this, but I have to for David's sake.

She did it so I would get over her. No, I mean, I don't know. I'm weird about like farting in front of people too. I don't ever pass gas in front of people.

I've never heard you fart. Yeah, I smelt your fart. It's like a weird fart around me and I didn't know.

I have.

You have?

Yeah.

Oh, good for you.

I have farted.

Wonderful.

Yeah.

Hey, what's up with you looking up my girlfriend on Pornhub the other day?

Oh my God.

Yeah, you threw that out there in front of everybody.

Yeah, it's not a big deal. Big deal.

I don't go looking up your girlfriend on Pornhub.

Um, actually, me and Liza did it together.

Oh really? That makes it okay.

No, it wasn't. It literally—

you and Liza did it together?

It's not like that.

I—

yeah, sure, I looked up your girlfriend on Pornhub.

Okay, weird. Fucking— it's not looking up anyone's girlfriend. Looking up like Corinna's nudes or whatever, I would never do that.

It's like Googling her.

It's Pornhub. It's not Google. There's a difference between Google and porn.

That's her job. That's her job. It's like me It's like me going, and what's your job?

Your job is to jack off to it?

No. What are you doing, Liza?

Why is it your job? Tell me. Tell me.

No, I'm saying— I'm saying it's her job. It's like me looking up Jason Nash on YouTube.

Uh-huh. And why? And why is it— so what, you're gonna hire her to suck you off?

No, I'm just interested to see how she's just— she makes a lot of money showing off her body, so I wanted to see what she fucking does.

Holy shit, sounds a little weird.

And you got all weird when I said I looked up your girlfriend.

Yeah. I think it's a little strange. I don't go looking up Liza on Instagram. What? Huh?

You don't look her up on Instagram?

No.

I'm not.

I don't, I don't, I don't. Why don't you go find your fucking brown finger girlfriend? Stay the fuck away from mine. Ew.

Is that you referring to the poop girl?

Yeah.

Brown finger girlfriend. Yeah. Because that could also be Liza. It sounded racist.

Migos.

Go find your brown finger girlfriend.

I just texted Migos to Liza.

Um, no, but, uh, but yeah, I apologize for looking your girlfriend up on Pornhub.

Yeah, I just think it's weird. What were you and Liza doing looking up Trisha?

We were curious.

Curious about what, her breasts?

Honestly, I don't even think Liza was there. I don't know.

I know she wasn't. I know she wasn't.

Um, no, son of a bitch. I was definitely with someone though. I 100% didn't do it by myself.

Yeah, who were you with?

That was me. No, no, no, I was with, um, I, I don't, I honestly don't remember who I was with.

But his research, it was—

no, but it was, it was definitely in like a, like a just interesting way.

And why are you playing with those coasters right now? Oh, nervous.

Do people just hear me chattering and like biting my nails?

Um, no, but why don't you tell everybody about the exciting weekend that you had? I mean, it's pretty spectacular.

We had an insane weekend. I, I started my weekend in Palm Springs, okay, for Coachella, and then right after Beyoncé performed at 2:45 AM, yeah, I went— you didn't even let me finish.

You said, I know, I want to make sure I'm recording. You said yeah, I said yeah because I want to make sure I'm getting the dial. I'm sorry, right back to you, Dave.

You don't even give a fuck about me.

Of course I care about you.

Okay, so right after, um, right after Coachella at 2:45 AM, um, we got a private jet to take us from California to New York, from Palm Springs Airport to New York. Yeah, to Palm— from Palm Springs Airport, which is like a small airport. Yeah, to New York City. And it was only a 4-hour and 20-minute flight. If you know anything about flying, that's really quick, like insanely short.

It's really— yeah, pretty short.

And the insane part about all of it was, which blew my fucking mind, is we got into the airport area, whatever it was. It was more like a hotel lobby, it kind of felt like. Um, no one was there because it was 2:45, only one person working the desk. And he was like, you guys ready to go? The second we came in, didn't even ask for ID, didn't ask for our name. He's like, are you guys ready to go? Because he just assumed it was us that were getting on the flight. We got on the flight, no bags checked, nothing. Isn't that weird?

I think it's really strange.

Nothing, nothing. He did— guys, they didn't check anything. We could have had— we could have had a fucking, like, airborne virus that we were about to throw out the window as we crossed over all the 50 states. Yeah, like, they didn't check anything. And then we just— we just hopped right on the plane and we took off.

It was— it was like an Uber.

It was crazy. And private jets are so insane because Once you're off, once you've taken off, you take your seatbelt off, you can sleep on the floor.

Couldn't— what would do— what would stop somebody from killing the pilot and then taking the plane and then right, right before you get into New Jersey and hooking a left and just going into Manhattan and hitting a building?

Yes, you're right, like hijacking the plane. Yeah, like what would stop a terrorist?

Yeah, well, I don't understand, like, for some reason I don't—

I, I don't think a plane explosion will do as much damage as like someone getting a truck and just running over people. Do you know what I mean? I feel like it's too complicated.

No, no, look at the World Trade Center. If you hit the building—

But those are big commercial jets. I don't know if it has any difference.

Aren't you kind of amazed that there aren't more terrorist attacks?

Dude, all the fucking time. All the time. I have this conversation with people all the time. I'm like, there are so many people in the world. How the fuck is there not a crazy terrorist attack every day?

I don't know. And it's not like they're thwarting them.

You know what I've even thought about? This is obviously not true, but I've thought about it. What if like our government has like something where they can go back in time and stop these terrorist attacks, but they let—

like a time machine.

Yeah, but they let a couple through, you know, to not make it look like bullshit.

Uh-huh.

But like, but like, like realistically, I'm like, dude, there should be one. With all the fucking crazy people in the world, there should be one every fucking week, every day in the United States. But there isn't. Yes, there's, there's shootings and weird shit like that, But like, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's like a weird— it's like a weird thing, a weird thing to think about.

I think it's just— I think it's only a very, very, very few amount of people that want to put death to the United States.

Yeah, I don't know. Regardless, I don't know.

Hey, how's your car doing? Did you— did you have to charge your car?

What a transition. No, let's— let's talk about— okay, so then we went to New York. Oh yeah, then we went to New York, and then we went to the Shorty Awards.

Yes.

And we won a Shorty for the Views podcast, for this podcast that you're fucking listening to, believe it or not. Somehow beat Joe Rogan and a bunch of other podcasts.

I don't know how we could possibly beat you.

I think it's just because our followers, um, voted.

People vote for us.

Yeah, people voted for us. We do YouTube because we do YouTube.

We have the 14-year-old followers who sit around and vote all day.

Yeah, which isn't a bad thing.

No, it's wonderful. We feel really great about it.

But no, no, no, but we're very, very grateful.

But we'll be bringing the award over to Joe Rogan.

Yeah, we're gonna take the award to Joe Rogan. I actually broke— I broke the award the next day, so it doesn't even exist anymore.

Um, yeah, that was great.

But we were going to the Shorties, and there's, there's, there's two internet award shows, um, and, and it's the Streamys and the Shorties.

Yeah.

And they both really try to differentiate themselves because, because, you know, they're fighting for who's the better award show for the internet. And, um, the Shorties were very kind. They flew us out there. They got us a fucking private jet to get out to the Shorties for all of our friends.

Sure.

And Jason, $60,000. Yeah. They're very expensive. Jason posts an Instagram picture with his girlfriend Trisha, and the caption is— keep in mind, we were going to the Shorty Awards— and he captions it, "Heading to the Streamys." That's the only caption. That's all it says. It's just a picture of them dressed up and it says, "Heading to Streamys." And it took him a day. A day.

You didn't tell me. I had the information for a whole day and you didn't tell me. Yeah, you're supposed to have my back.

After a day, I told him, dude, you should, uh, I didn't know. I told him, like, I didn't know you're going to the Streamys. And he's like, I'm not. I'm like, well, check your fucking Instagram caption. Because the woman that, like, made all the shorty flights possible texted me. She's like, hey, can you please talk to Jason about his caption? Um, I see your toes are on my couch, and that can only mean one thing.

I got a pedicure.

You got a fucking pedicure?

Yeah.

Why did you get a pedicure?

Trisha made me. Yeah, she didn't make me. We were just there.

When you go get a pedicure and the people there working see your toes Can you hear their screams from blocks down? How does that work?

Yeah, it's like a— it's like a Godzilla movie.

It's like a— yeah, that's racist. Is it? Yeah.

Oh no, it's not.

Is it like a race?

That's not racist.

Yeah, it is.

Well, in that particular nail salon, it, it looks like a— yeah, because Godzilla attacked a lot of, uh, okay, Godzilla attacked a lot of Asian people.

Yeah, it attacked an Asian town, right? An Asian city.

Well, the old monster movies of the '50s were always Asian And people, they were Japanese movies.

It was racist of me to assume that you saying it was a guy. It was racist for me to assume that all nail salons have Asian people working at them. So I'm the racist one. Yeah, I take it back.

Okay, great. I'm so glad. Thanks for bailing. I'm glad.

No, but that is true. There's a lot of Asian people that work in nail salons. Yeah, it's always—

I was in the nail salon and this woman walked in and she goes, uh, she goes, hi, I'm early. Like that. She was like a big, you know, an LA 50-year-old woman, 60. And then I just go, uh, hi, Early, I'm Jason, like that.

Yeah.

And then no one laughed.

No one. And then I said, what, did Tricia get mad at you for flirting with her?

She did get mad.

She got mad.

She's like, I can't believe it, you're just hitting on her like that. Fuck off.

Did she actually?

Yes, she really did.

And then what happened then?

And I was like, I was like, it was a joke, it was a joke. But then she told me later she was kidding, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't.

You, yeah, because you hitting on a 55-year-old is actually— she's closer to age than you are to Trisha.

I know, I got— because I think I'm Trisha's age.

Yeah, you think you're a lot younger than you are.

I would—

you think you're a lot younger than you actually are.

Yeah, I think I'm your age.

Yeah, you've been—

but you, uh, but I've been shutting down lately though. I'll tell you, it's about over for me.

You think you're gonna kick the bucket soon?

I don't know.

When do you think you're gonna pass away?

I mean, this YouTube life is really getting to me.

Yeah.

It's too much. I can't keep up with you. You wanted to go to Chicago. You wanted me to go to Chicago with you the other day, and I wanted to go. I just couldn't fucking go.

Who's gonna take care of your kids when you die?

My ex-wife.

Yeah.

Yeah. You, Zane, Scott, Todd. No, you can't fucking tape them to the wall.

I can't tape them to the wall?

No.

What the fuck are they good for? How are your kids?

They're so good.

Yeah?

Thank you for asking. Yeah, I know it's your favorite topic. I know you loved when I bring out pictures of them or I talk about them, and I just tell you all the interesting stuff. Oh, oh, Wyatt said the funniest thing the other day.

What did he say?

did you miss my joke?

What? I missed it. What did you say?

Never mind.

No, tell me the joke. No, forget it. Tell me, tell it to me.

Well, okay, restart your sentence and I'll say it again.

Wyatt said the funniest thing the other day.

Oh, that he loves you? Oh, it's pretty funny. I thought it was gonna be as good the second time.

I thought it Pretty good. He didn't really say anything. I was lying. I was trying to do a joke where like he said something boring to bore you. Oh, I just love to bore you.

You don't, you don't need to try for that, Jason. Just keep the podcast fucking going. Hey, you've been losing a lot of weight.

No, I have.

Yeah, I just wanted to see what you would say. You think, you think you're losing weight though?

No, I haven't. I'm dating a mukbanger.

Yes, and she eats for a living. So you think—

My girlfriend eats for a living on YouTube. Well, she does a lot of other stuff, but she's very good at that.

Yeah, you think you're gaining weight?

She brought french fries into the hotel, into the bed in New York. Yeah, at 11 PM at night. And mozzarella sticks, David. I never ate mozzarella sticks until I met her.

Really?

I would never eat a mozzarella stick.

Jason's a night eater too. If you guys, if you guys happen to ever get a chance like, I mean, you probably wouldn't, but if you ever wake up Jason—

If you guys ever get a chance to sleep next to me.

Yeah, if you ever wake up Jason—

You know that fan contest we're gonna have in a few months?

Sleep with Jason. No, if you ever wake up Jason and you just pull back the sheets, it's just a fucking— it just, it looks like a garbage bin. It's just a shit ton of wrappers because he eats at night. He eats at night. One day I slept on his couch and it was like 3 AM and I heard his fat ass trying to get out of bed. That's just so funny to say. I know, and I heard him trying to get out of bed, and after, you know, you know, fucking dicking around and finally getting his posture, um, correct, he got out of bed, he rolled out, and then I hear him coming down the hallway, and he's— oh, he opens the fridge and he goes through like 4 cabinets, and he leaves with like, I think it was like celery sticks.

You make me sound like Shrek.

And then he said, this is my swamp. He went back to bed.

No, but I— when I wake up in the middle of the night, he eats, and I have to eat to go back to bed. It's the best feeling in the world. Yeah, it knocks me out.

Yeah, that's really weird.

I've been pretty addicted to YouTube lately, I'll tell you that much.

What does that mean?

It means like, I don't know, man, I'm just fucking burnt out on it.

You've just been into the whole thing?

No, I'm not even in— I mean, I'm into it, but it's just like, I just, I just want to stop for a while.

You know what I'm into?

What?

Dollar Shave Club. That's a pretty fucking lame transition, but you know, you are—

you're always clean-shaven.

We gotta— we gotta pay the bills somehow. Dollarshaveclub.com, guys. They deliver everything you need to look, feel, and smell your best. You guys know what Dollar Shave Club is. They don't need no motherfucking introduction. They're the best.

No, they don't, Snoop Dogg.

If they don't— if they— if they, uh— if they— if they what? What was I saying? Hello?

I threw you off when I called you Snoop Dogg. Yeah, sorry.

All my friends used to call me Snoop Dogg.

Oh, back in high school?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, dude.

That's okay. Dollar Shave Club is more than just razors. Dollar Shave Club is better than shopping in a store. Dollar Shave Club has razors, shave butter, shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, everything you need to look—

they have everything now, and it all comes to your goddamn door, guys. Toothpaste?

Yeah, toothpaste.

They're getting in the toothpaste game, bro.

They'll— soon they're gonna deliver fucking food. Soon they're gonna be like, hey, here's toothpaste, and now here's breakfast. That's how amazing Dollar Shave Club is.

Dollar Shave egg white burrito.

Their— their Dr. Carver shave butter is fantastic. It goes on clear so you can see where you're shaving. And since Dollar Shave Club delivers everything to you, you don't have to set foot in the store wandering the aisles hunting for razors, shampoo, body wash, toothpaste— none of it. Guys, it's amazing. Join Dollar Shave Club today, and for just $5 with free shipping, you'll get the 6-blade executive razor plus trial sizes of shave butter, body cleanser, and One Wipe Charlies. Then keep the blades coming for a few bucks more a month. Get yours at dollarshaveclub.com/views. That's dollarshaveclub.com/views. You know what's weird?

What?

I never read that part the first time we did the ad.

Oh, what was it?

So I never read—

It's a good thing we did the whole podcast again.

It's a good thing.

It's really good.

I don't think people understand how difficult this is to sit here and fucking communicate with you for another 45 minutes. It's—

Am I that much of a bear?

No, but it's nuts because we should be resting right now. We should— we should be in bed.

I would love to be.

You You should be on your third Rice Krispie treat. I guess you should be on your way to falling asleep and I should emptying out the cabinet onto your bed right now.

Fans are going to get that other podcast where they can be me.

Oh, you're going to use both?

I'm going to release— I'm going to ask them to release it.

Please don't.

Um, what happened with Coachella? Because I didn't get to go to Coachella. I came out on Thursday.

Coachella was, uh, it was fucking brutal because just not your thing, Coachella. It's just unreal.

I don't know why you went.

It's, uh, I was trying to explain it to people. The best way to describe parties like Well, the best way to describe Coachella, like, inside is like it's a bunch of people at like an airport.

Yes.

Like walking around without any bags because there's no— and without a destination, right? It's, it's just all Coachella is, is let's listen to some music, let's go get food, and now I have to pee. Like, that's all it is. It's a constant, like, right? Coachella is what's next. Like, that's all it is. Yeah, it's, it's—

you lose people a lot.

You lose people a lot.

And there's no service.

No service.

Did you have service?

No.

So you can't make a Snapchat or anything?

No, you can, but you got to post up 6 hours later. It's, it's, it's horrendous. It's very scary, and it's like you can barely—

did you get lost?

Yeah, I got lost. I got, I got happy when I got lost because being with the group is exhausting. They're so into— dude, they're going— they want to go back for weekend too.

They want to go back for weekend too. Todd texted me on Tuesday. He's like, did Sikik ever call you about And I was like, they want to go back again.

They're fucking, fucking insane, dude. I don't know. I don't know how to do it.

I don't understand it.

I saw Beyoncé perform.

How was it?

I'm not a Beyoncé fan normally, right? But, uh, it was very incredible.

What was good about it?

She just killed it. She just did a really, really good job. She's— it's, it's a full production. It's a full goddamn movie.

Did Jay-Z come out?

No, but she's so—

I heard Jay-Z was there.

Destiny's Child.

I heard Jay-Z was there.

Jay-Z didn't come out.

You sure?

Yeah.

Did you watch the whole thing?

Jay-Z came out.

That's what I heard.

No, I completely missed it.

Jay-Z was there and Destiny's Child came out.

No, I didn't hear that.

Interesting.

Um, but no, she's great. She's fucking so talented. Liza started sobbing when she saw her. She's really excited.

Yeah, she started crying.

Yeah, like full-on. She's, she's very tough. Did Todd cry? Yeah, Todd was crying about a bunch of other things. Tod has girl problems. Our friend Todd, he, um, he broke up with— he broke up.

Tell him what Todd did. I think it's a cool story. Um, you can tell the story, it's funny.

Oh yeah, I could totally tell the story. I didn't even think about this. Um, Todd, Todd, um, David gets the— gets the private jet to go from Coachella, and he's trying to convince everyone all weekend, like, yeah, come to the Shorties, give me a private jet so I can convince my friends to come to New York, and no one fucking wanted to go.

No one wanted to leave this Sunday night.

No one wants to leave Coachella to go on a private jet to New York, which is crazy.

Even after already being there for 3 days, like, you think they could skip Sunday.

And, and Corinna said she was going to, um, to the, um, Shorties, to the Shorties, but she was going to meet us from Florida, so she was going to fly from Florida to New York and meet us there. And last minute, um, Todd decides, you know what, that they're not together anymore, right? They broke up. Last minute, Todd decides, I'm gonna surprise Corinna at the Shorties. And I'm like, Todd, is that a good idea? Should you be doing that? And he's like, yeah, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna surprise her. And Todd is the most Coachella guy ever, so he's missing the last night of Coachella, gets on the flight to the Shorties, and turns out she doesn't go to New York. She canceled last minute.

And he went for no reason.

And he went for no reason.

And he had a crappy Saturday Coachella.

Yeah, it was great. I think that was so funny. And then he went on stage when we were accepting our award and he goes, he said something, he referred to Corinna as his girlfriend. And it was really funny 'cause she texted him, "I'm not your girlfriend." I said, "I'm sorry, I got blackout drunk.

My girlfriend criticizes me, I'm sorry, I got blackout drunk." I thought it was funny what he said.

I'm sorry I got blackout drunk. Sorry to my girlfriend. It's funny. Todd's great. Kieran is great. I love them both.

What did you think of Adam Pally's roast?

Yeah. And then on the— if you guys watch the Shorties Awards, there's a guy that came on stage and just fucking talked trash about everyone that was there. He was like— he was like— like, he was like, why the fuck am I here? Like, on stage, he was like, what am I doing here? What kind of a shit award show is this? What the hell is going on?

I feel like the Shorties maybe wanted him to do that.

Yeah, I think that was some backwards advertisement.

I think so. They must have said, do whatever you want. Yeah, you can make fun of us.

It was very mean, and a lot of people were like really bummed out by it. I thought it was hilarious.

I, I thought it was funny.

I thought it was really funny.

Yeah.

Um, but yeah, whatever.

He, he, he, he really went off.

What else did we talk about on the last podcast that we just recorded? Oh, we talked about my dad. We talked about him. I don't know if you guys know this, but my dad, uh, we're from Slovakia. And he won the dart championship in Slovakia, like the championship.

Oh yeah.

In the country.

And how did that go? And is that how he got into the country here? Olympic dart player?

That's how, yeah. One person every 7 years wins the dart championships and they're granted access to America.

See, you're good at foosball and your dad's good at darts, which are both bar games.

I'm not, Jason does this fucking weird thing. Jason's seen me play foosball 2 times, and I shit you not, you're really good at foosball. I shit you not, every time he's seen me play, he's seen me play 2 times, and it was, and it was 2 games at one time, right? So he's only seen me play.

Were you just like on fire that day?

Sure, I was on fire, but guys, we've been around foosball tables for like 4 times since I've played last, and every time he'll like think I'm not, like he won't even, I won't be near him and I'll hear him in the back go to someone who's he's standing next to me, I'll be like, hey, uh, you know, David's actually really good at foosball. Like, really, really good. Like, he'll say it under his breath, like, because he doesn't even want to, like, put me on the spot. But he's so proud of how good I am at foosball. I mean, you're incredible, and I appreciate it, but it's not— it's not the truth.

Are you gonna start playing, like, underneath your skill now when there's a foosball table, just to prove me wrong?

Yeah, man, I'm gonna—

don't do that to yourself.

I'm gonna start—

I can play to your game, bro.

No, no, I'm, uh Do what your dad would have done and that—

and, and be great at a bar game.

Yeah, but my dad was good at darts because it got him into the country. Did it? No. Oh, I think they give green cards to dart players.

Is he— have you ever played darts with him?

Yeah.

Is he good? Yeah, he's good. Like, he's got a hole in one every time.

It's called bullseye.

Um, does he have a dartboard in the house?

Yeah, in the garage.

Hey, isn't it funny that your dad is a photographer and your mom is an editor?

Why do you think that's funny?

Because you're a little bit of both. You're both those things.

Yeah.

You kind of took— that would be like— that would be like LeBron James and Gabby.

That'd be like if you married Trisha and your daughter became a porn star and an asshole. Yeah. No, no. I give you too much of a hard time.

No, that's okay. So wait a minute, what were we talking about? So he's not good at darts. Would you— does he have a dartboard?

I can't remember what we talked about on the last podcast.

We talked about a bunch of shit. Yeah, what else is going on? We don't have to recreate the last podcast. We got a lot of good new ideas flowing every day.

Go for it, hit me with one.

I can't think of a thing.

It was just—

what did it feel like to win a Shorty Award? Tell me about it. What did it feel like? You hated the Vlog Squad thing. Why did you keep saying that? Why do you hate the name Vlog Squad so much?

You know why I hated it is because, um, Vlog Squad, they were presenting for, uh, they were, they were giving an award for Best YouTube Ensemble, and we're called the Vlog Squad, right? Like, that's the name like our followers have given us. And like 3 awards before that were like the most emotional awards. Like, it was like, it was like someone from like Eric Garner's like, yeah, like family or something. That was talking, and like they were putting people to tears. And it's like a really serious, like really serious moments, like about the MeToo movement and just a bunch of stuff. And then, and then fucking like the next thing is Vlog Squad.

Yeah, now here's an award for 12 privileged white kids.

Yeah, it was just—

it was not a good timing.

It was really weird time.

It was nice, but we, we had this conversation like 6 months ago. You're like, I hate that name Vlog Squad. And you and Scott— Scott was like, "I hate it too," right? And you guys were like, "We don't like the name Vlog Squad." And then you guys tried to think of other names, and then the fans basically told you and Scott, "Fuck you." Yeah, so we had to stick with Vlog Squad. Then what did David do? He went out the next day and made merch.

I made merch that had "Vlog Squad" on it.

You're like, "I hate this name," and then like a week later it was like— It was Vlog Squad merch, which came out good, by the way. I just don't understand why you don't like it.

Yeah, I don't really get it either.

It's fine. It's a good name.

It's not— it's not—

it's not like the Power Crew or something like that. I think that was one of the suggestions that you guys thought of.

Did you ever— did you ever poop in school?

Sure. All— no, never.

What the fuck?

I don't poop in school.

It's like you try to cover up something there. Sure. No, no, fuck. I mean, did you? No, never. I've never taken a poop in public other and like, if, if she told me if I farted in front of her, she would break up with me. Yeah, that's true. Is that true?

What is up with these drastic personalities? Yeah, I said, I said one fart and I'm out. She's like, one fart and you're out.

You just— dude, that's a good vlog bit.

What?

You should hide a camera and you should fart in front of her.

Oh, she listens to the podcast. That would have been great.

That would have been a great idea, huh?

I guess I could still do it. She'll forget.

Yeah, she'll have no idea. She'll break up with you even though it was a bit— I will say though, I was at Coachella and this guy walked up to me and he goes, you're a fucking hypocrite.

No way.

Yeah, that's all he said.

He goes, who is he?

He's just a random guy.

Who said that to you?

You gonna kick his ass?

Yeah.

Yeah, the fuck is that big, big guy over there? Right there. Oh, holy shit. Oh, hey, um, no, he was just— he was just kidding.

He was— it was joking around.

Yeah, because he listens to the podcast and he like knows that I absolutely hate Coachella.

How was— how old was he?

But it was great because all he said was, you're a fucking hypocrite, and then he walked away. He goes, you're a fucking hypocrite, you said you hate this place, and then he walked through. He didn't even—

that's funny.

I love when people say stuff like that and they don't ask for like a picture or anything. Oh yeah, yeah, because it's so casual. It's like, oh shit, he listens to the videos. It's really funny. Um, I wanted to tell you this actually earlier. You gotta stop worrying about your weight, dude.

Me? Yeah. Well, thanks. You're looking pretty good.

You're old as fuck, homie. It's like, you know what I mean? Like, I mean that in the most respectful, like, respectable way possible.

You don't get it. It's not about vanity.

No, listen to me. It's, it's— you're old. People don't expect you to look fucking gorgeous. Honest. Okay, I don't— you know, I should be saying this to anybody. No one should fucking worry about their weight, but you especially, bro. Yeah, you have, you 2 kids, you got a girlfriend, your girlfriend does not care at all about how skinny you are. She wants to be fatter. She wants you fatter. Dude, just fucking start eating. The reason I'm saying that is not because you should aim to be overweight, but I'm just saying just eat whatever you want. Eat to be happy. You don't eat certain things because you don't wanna gain weight, but dude, Do people like you for your personality, bro?

What about my health? What about when I can't get out of your Tesla?

Yeah, that's funny though.

That's funny.

I mean, let's be honest.

Yeah, let's be honest, David.

You're gonna die anyway real soon. So realistically, do you want to go with like a nice meal in your stomach, or do you want to go—

I think I've eaten enough in my life that I can stop eating. No, no, dude, I was in such good shape like a couple years ago.

Yeah, bro, but that's your prime. It's over now.

No, it's not. I'm coming back.

You fucking peaked, old man.

I— but why don't you put some money?

Yo, my favorite is when someone calls, uh, Jason old in public. Oh yeah, still to this day it fucking infuriates him.

Oh yeah, this one— this girl came up, called me Gramps or something. Remember that?

Yeah, I remember.

What the fuck's up with her?

This girl, it's like 15-year-old girl, was like, 15-year-old follower of our, uh, 50 15-year-old follower of ours goes up to Jason and she goes, hey Gramps, can I have a picture with you too? And she walks away. And Jason goes, what the fuck was wrong with her, huh?

It bugs me.

I didn't know it bothers him when other people say it because it's like, it's like, hey, that's not cool. Only David gets to call me Gramps.

She didn't call me Gramps, she called me something worse. No, she's old man. She called me old man or something.

Did you see this interview with Jimmy Kimmel and Bush?

No, um, I love Jimmy Kimmel.

Oh, oh, I think he's gonna say Bush. I love Bush.

I love George Bush.

Um, yeah, no, it was like, it was, uh, Jimmy Kimmel was asking him, he asked him like, so do you have like, do you have secrets that you're not telling us or whatever? And Bush goes, sure. And Jimmy's like, will you ever tell, will you ever, will you ever tell people the secrets about aliens and stuff like that? And George Bush is like, no. No, no, never. So basically admitting to the fact that he has all these, all these secrets that he's never gonna share.

You know, my friend is—

isn't that bizarre?

My friend's friends with Jay Leno, and he said Bush is a real, real, like, a jokester.

You think he was— you think he was fucking with him?

Maybe he was. Yeah, like, that sounds like something he would do, like fuck with Kimmel. But maybe— I mean, I don't know.

You don't think when you get sworn into presidency they just give you a book of fucking secrets? Just, okay, okay, Mr. President, this is going to be kind of tough, um, but there's a book with about 100 pages here.

Yeah, I mean, I could imagine them saying like, yeah, there's a planet, it's like, you know, 4,000 miles away, it's called Nebulon, there's life on it, they're harmless, it's invisible, they're really cool people. Be funny if they like said all that and then at the end they're like, I just fucking with you.

They should do that.

I'm sure that would be fun.

Yeah, that'd be so fun.

I'm watching this documentary on Trump. I started watching it tonight. It's— David, are you following what's going on with Trump?

No, I'm not.

Not to get political, and I'm not, I'm not taking sides in any way, but this shit is the greatest fucking reality show on earth, David. It's unbelievable. He fucking fires people like crazy. He got rid of the FBI director. They fucking raided his lawyer's office. Like, shit is going off. Every single day.

He's gonna get kicked out of office?

No, I don't think so. I don't think they'll, they'll have time to do it because he's already like, he's in his second year.

Yeah, but he may get reelected.

Also, have you watched this, this documentary, 7 Days in Hell? I mean, this movie, 7 Days in Hell, with Andy Samberg? It's a tennis movie. You have to watch it.

It's a movie about living with you.

What's up? All right, I'll leave my movie suggestions off the podcast in the future.

Go for it. No, no, tennis movie, go.

No, I just know you play tennis and foosball. It's a foosball movie.

I used to be scared to tell people in, uh, in school that I play tennis.

Why?

I used to think it was a girl sport.

Oh well, it is.

Fuck off.

No, no, I used to think the same thing. I used to think the same thing. I didn't want to play tennis either. And then it became cool though when, when Andre Agassi started playing. Oh really? It seemed to become cool then, like, all right, this guy's doing it.

Jesus Christ, Andre Agassi.

Because McEnroe was kind Dork.

That's fucking unreal.

I know that's an old reference.

I know it's really old, but do you, do you know who that is? Yeah, yeah, he retired when I was like 7.

It's funny though because the 7 Days in Hell thing is based on like an Andre Agassi type guy.

Interesting.

But I guess Andy Samberg's way older than you.

Oh, can I, can I say something? Yeah, back about peeing, uh, pooping in public.

Please.

This is so weird. In my classrooms in the 5th grade and all of middle school, all of elementary school, sorry, are the toilet. We had one toilet in every classroom, inside the classroom. So you don't leave that classroom to go out into the hall and then find a bathroom. It was in the classroom, just like a closet, and it was in there. So, so if anybody was pooping or peeing, you would hear it. And then more importantly, giggle. More importantly, you'd smell it. No, no one giggled because we were so young. But like, I'm thinking back to it now And it's fucking insane that I did that.

So you used to listen to your girlfriend take a crap?

I never had a girlfriend.

Daniela.

Her name's Daniela. Her name's Danielle.

Danielle.

I just said Danielle to protect her identity.

Okay, well now you just revealed her even more.

Well, yeah, I know, but I, I feel bad for you spoiling her name and saying it was Daniela because that's rude. Her name's Danielle and she smelled her finger. I love how you called her Brown Finger. It's a little racist.

Uh, you know, when, when my kids are in—

but, but isn't that crazy?

My kids are in preschool. They used fart and poop in front of each other, and the bathroom was open.

What do you mean?

And the toilets are wide open. It was really weird.

What are you saying?

Well, my daughter, my son went to preschool. You'd go into the classroom, you're like, oh cool, everything's really fun. And then there you turn and there'd be a bathroom with a ton of toilets, and all the toilets were just looking at each other. And so everyone was like farting and pooping right in front of each other, and you know, people were wiping each other's asses.

You're kidding.

It was like an orgy.

How old were you? Okay, what the fuck? I love how I let that one slide. You should go to jail for that sentence.

Well, no, it was just odd. It was just like an odd kind of thing.

Yeah.

It was an orgy of pooping is what it was.

Fucking so gross. So, so, so gross. You know what's not gross?

What?

It's our next ad. Where the hell is it? Can you read it?

Oh yeah, I'll read it. Let me get this one. This one's on me.

Next ad is by Framebridge, guys. And Framebridge, I'm just gonna skip the bullshit. This is pretty dope. It'll frame a picture for you.

Well, Mother's Day's coming up.

Yeah, Mother's Day. Fun fact, never used to celebrate Mother's Day, Jason. Never used to celebrate Father's Day.

Why not? Why don't you? When are you gonna convert to Americanism? You don't do Christmas, you don't do Mother's Day.

No, no, we do Christmas.

Yeah, but you do weird Christmas.

No way, I do normal Christmas. It's literally normal Christmas.

No, you like celebrate like the night before or something.

Yes, I do that. But you know, Mother's Day and Father's Day, I always thought it was that those words were just used to decorate a calendar. I didn't think they actually meant anything.

Like Flag Day?

Yeah, exactly. I didn't think they meant anything like outside of the calendar.

I thought it was for fun.

I thought they were just italicized things on the calendar.

Your parents never taught you? They're never like, it's Mother's Day, you're supposed to get me something?

Never.

Did you know one Mother's Day we went and I got my, my ex-wife— I got her a silver necklace that she really wanted, and my kids and I went, we picked it out.

How much was it?

On a Saturday, it was $700. Wow. We picked it out. This was the one she wanted. The kids were so excited. I spent so much money. I really didn't have the money, but I was trying to save the marriage. And I brought it home and she was like, she's like, I love it, it's so great. She's like, this isn't it, it's the gold. Oh shit, I wanted the gold.

And then how much was the gold one?

The gold was like another $400 or something. And I went back on Sunday with the kids and the ex-wife and I got it. And then And everyone was really happy. And Father's Day came about a month later, and do you know what I got, David?

What'd you get?

I got a paperweight. I got a rock, David. I literally—

it was a rock, and she threw it through the windshield. Yeah. What did the rock say on it? World's greatest dad?

Yeah, it said— well, yeah.

Did it? No, no, it didn't even say that. It just said fuck off on it. Yeah, it just said fuck you, hope you have a good day.

Fuck you, you joke of a man.

Here's a better— here's a better Mother's Day gift.

This is a great one. If you've listened to this show before, you've heard me talk about Framebridge. You know they make it super easy and affordable to custom frame your favorite things, from print and posters to photo— to the photos on your phone.

Yeah, guys, Framebridge is amazing.

Second paragraph, basically you just have—

it's, it's really easy. You can order in a few minutes and Framebridge will send a one-of-a-kind framed picture that your mom will love. It's a perfect gift for Mom, and it's probably already on your phone. Go to framebridge.com Pick a great photo. Expert team at Framebridge will frame it and send it straight to you, or they could deliver it straight to your mom before Mother's Day. In time for Mother's Day, they can do this. You can preview your item online in any frame style, choose your favorite, or get free recommendations. The amazing team will expertly frame.

I'm doing Framebridge this year.

It's amazing.

Charlie's gonna get in her volleyball costume. Really? Yeah. And Wyatt's gonna get his with his guitar.

We read a bunch of ads here, and I know a lot of you are probably like, oh yeah, but I have a feeling you guys, a lot of you guys are actually going to listen to this because I think it's a really good idea.

Well, get something for your mom if you're never—

just frame a picture. It's so simple, but it means a lot. Framing a picture is actually one of my favorite gifts.

Don't gifts mean a lot in general? Like, if somebody, if somebody gives you like even the dumbest gift that's like a dollar, you know, it feels so good, right, to get a gift.

Liza, if you're listening to this, hint hint, or anybody, um, if you frame a picture of us together and give it to me. It's like one of my favorite things.

Oh really? Yeah, I, I, I am. That is a nice gift.

It's like, it's really nice. It's like really nice because everything's digital, so it's nice to see something.

Guys, go to Framebridge, take a picture of David and Liza and frame it, and then send it to David.

And our listeners get 15% off their first order at framebridge.com when they use our code VIEWS. framebridge.com, promo code Views. Check it out.

My kids are getting— again, my ex-wife will be getting a good— the good gift. She'll be getting Framebridge. And then for Father's Day, I'll get Dirt.

You'll have to bitch again and call your ex.

Are we doing a tour this summer or not?

We're not doing a tour.

What?

Yeah, I canceled it. I actually had our agents— no, there's gonna be a tour this summer for the Views podcast. Make sure you guys are ready. Call your parents.

Make some money, guys.

I'm so excited.

Make some money, guys.

I'm excited to see you guys.

Guys, David's just agreed to do the tour, which means I'll get to make some money, which is—

Are you not excited to meet them?

Because, you know, on the tour I get— I get 30% here, but on the tour I get 40%.

You're not excited to meet everybody?

Who? Who? The fans? I love meeting the fans.

You mean the money signs?

I love Meeting the fans. I met a bunch, uh, in New York, and I love doing, uh, the live tour.

What's your favorite part about meeting our followers?

I love the way they smell. They all smell different.

I do love it. I do love the smell. The smells are fun.

Yeah, it's fun to go to different cities. It's fun to— it's fun to make people laugh. It's fun to pretend like, you know, we belong up on stage. Oh my God, even for a few nights a year.

I thought you're gonna say it's fun to pretend like I care. I thought that's what you're gonna say. Like, Jesus, Jason.

No, I do care. Of course I care.

No, it's actually a lot of fun.

I love it. And, um, yeah, it has 420 coming. When's it coming out?

We'll see. A lot of bits have been falling through, and it's— and it's—

don't say that. You have a lot of good ones. Yeah, I've already— you already showed me a couple good ones.

We'll figure it out, guys. Podcast, it's time to go.

It's time to go.

From now on, um, we're gonna make sure the mic is working because The first podcast we recorded was Lit Flames, but, um, it was the greatest podcast of all time. Yeah, I'm telling you, and you'll never hear Oprah Winfrey.

Um, Oprah was here.

Yeah, she spoke to Josh Peck about a bunch of things, and then Barack Obama had a sit-down fucking rap battle with Donald Trump. You guys missed that.

And Trump was pretty good.

And yeah, Trump, surprisingly, I think Trump actually took it.

All right, I gotta go edit this.

You take it home.

Okay, I gotta make sure the audio is pumping and that you can hear both of us this time.

This has been a view— this has been a view— this has been a Views podcast. That was Jason, and my name is Jeff. I'll see you guys later. Bye-bye.