The Day I Almost Drowned (Police Called)

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason takes his pants off using only my tongue.

Okay, go ahead. Go, go, go.

You got it. You got it. That was a bad joke.

Go, go, go.

Let's not even pretend like that's what's going on because I'm using my teeth.

Yeah, there you go, David. Nice. You pull them off.

Okay. All right, we're gonna start the podcast, but after I'm done using my dick.

Okay. Yeah.

All right, roll the intro music. Jesus Christ. What's up guys, welcome back to another podcast. I'm David, I'm 21. That's Jason over there in the corner, he's 45.

I'm 44.

Oh, you are?

Don't lie like you don't know.

Oh well, today's Valentine's Day.

Oh, the worst.

Jason just got back from a helicopter ride.

No, I— let me take that back because she listens to the podcast. Great day today.

I didn't even say anything about the day.

Well, I said the worst.

Oh.

We really should start the whole podcast over again, but I'm not gonna make you do that.

No, no, you're good. Um, yeah, because our intro was so— our intro was so amazing. Yeah, our intro is so amazing we can't restart this podcast.

It's a bad day today. It's— I had a great day, but I see what Valentine's Day does to everybody. Yeah, it's bad.

It's a lot of work.

Like, Trisha and I had an amazing time. Went on a helicopter ride. I dressed as Elvis. I surprised her. I walked out of a costume store as Elvis. I took her to Benihana, which is— she always wanted to go there.

Yeah, and I didn't know Valentine's Day was a big deal until I moved to like adulthood. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, when you're a kid, I don't think it's like that. I think you just get candy and like—

and I don't remember it being so much pressure, but I just saw how it like—

social media made it a much bigger thing.

It's made it so much worse. It's— all of our friends were like out of their minds today. Like, Brandon was like swearing at everybody. Really? He was like, fucking having— are you having a good time? Trish and I came back looking cute, cute as a button. I mean, we were cute. Yeah, you know, she was dressed as—

and Brandon was pissed he was single.

Yeah. He was like, "Fuckin' take this Instagram photo." And of course, he took an Instagram photo where Trisha and I are kissing and he's in the background like, you know—

Flipping you guys off.

Flipping us off. And which doesn't make it any better, and Jonah was upset, and Todd was upset, and they were, you know, but you're right, it's social media. You guys have fucked up everything. This social media is so awful. I mean, granted, I'd be homeless without it, but—

Yesterday we were driving around in my car going to film something, And I just hear Jason in the back seat going, yeah, it's Jason Nash. I am trying to get this celebrity helicopter tour. And Todd and I just look at each other and just start laughing. Because it's like, because of course Jason and Trisha have to have the most extravagant holiday. It can't just be like going out to dinner. It has to be a helicopter ride over Hollywood.

I know. I'm getting buried here. I don't know what to do. That's what she needs.

Jason and Trisha have been going on vacations like no other. Trisha is his new girlfriend, if you guys don't know.

Yeah. She's amazing. Amazing.

There we go.

She's amazing.

You're good. And she also listens to the podcast, if you can't tell.

I don't know, she listens to everything. She watches everyone's video. Yeah, she catches everybody.

If we turn this podcast off right now, we start talking shit, somehow she'll figure out. No, she's, she's really good. She— if Jason's misbehaving for even a second, she's on it, which I guess is kind of a good thing.

Well, I don't like that part of having a girlfriend, which is all new to me, which is like You know, you hang up with her and maybe you were in a fight or whatever, and then suddenly, you know, Scott's doing something funny and you Snapchat Scott. And then it's like, well, I guess that fight— I guess you're over it, you know? Like, oh, you're having fun on Snapchat?

She sees the Snapchat and she's like, why is it look so much fun? We were just fighting.

Yeah, you're saying, yeah, social media is the worst. Yeah. Is that what you have to deal with?

That's how it is. That's how—

is that how it is?

Yeah.

You guys are fucked.

Welcome to the real world. No, but, but But yeah, tell me, tell me about it. I mean, you guys, I want to address this, which I haven't really brought up to you. I've kind of been shy.

Um, oh great.

I think you're really ugly.

No, I'm not bad. You've said that many times.

Um, no, I think, um, you've been spending a lot of time with her.

Yeah, I spend a lot of time with her, and, and it's bothering you.

It's bothering me.

It's cutting into our time.

Yeah.

Okay, well, I'm glad you brought it up on the podcast. Let's talk about it. There's a way we can work through this.

It's— you know what it is? It's not that you're gone. It's that when you come back, you're not the same Jason.

I'm not?

You're not the same energetic Jason I know.

I'm drained.

You're drained, which I respect because I think relationships are very important. Yeah. But you just got to look at it from, you know, your old buddy's perspective.

Yeah.

You know, me, David.

You're hurting right now.

I'm hurting.

I wish we had some sound, some music to go in there here underneath this right now.

Go for it. Put some music over it.

What— what— tell me, talk to me. Tell me how you're really feeling.

I mean, no, I've kind of just—

what am I like when I come back.

You're tired. You're just tired. You're just like, I'm beat. Trisha and I just went hiking on a volcano and we watched it erupt, and then we skydived off.

Um, I can't keep doing your vlog. I can't. I cannot at the pace.

David, okay, I thought you were quitting.

No, I—

how dare you, David.

The pace that you make me work in that vlog—

okay, forget it. We don't—

we're dying.

We don't need it. We don't need to discuss it.

I want to talk about it.

No, tell me.

No, you brought it up. Let's talk about it. Let's have a Valentine's Day argument.

Yeah, a lot of people—

A lot of people.

A lot of people what?

Oh, a lot of people have said it.

No, they haven't.

Who else?

I'm taking it back.

Who else has mentioned it?

Mentioned what?

That I'm different now that I have a girlfriend.

Oh, that's not what I was saying.

Oh.

You're like, "Fuckin' say it to my face." Was it Zane? No, I'm just saying, "A lot of people" is the wrong way to start the sentence. But, um, you've been— well, yeah, I guess a lot of people have been saying that the vlog's really draining. On both of us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, so you recognize that?

Yeah, I mean, I recognize it, but it's just so— I don't know. I always think of it as such an awesome thing.

No, it's awesome. The thing that kills me is if we're out till 12:30 and then I'm up at 6:30. That's it. It's just taking my kids to school, and I won't drop that. I can't not take my kids to school.

Well, can I ask you a question?

I see them every day.

Can I ask you a question that I got from Twitter?

Yeah, sure.

Pineapple on pizza? How do you feel about it?

I'm down with it.

I'm down with it too. I don't know why people are such dicks about it.

I mean, I would never order it. What? I would never order it. It's kind of— but I mean, I take a bite of it, it's like, it's fine. It's just too much. I don't need the fruit. I like pizza. I like straight pizza. Everything I eat is straight.

That was almost— that's almost like you don't like it.

What's the problem? I come home and I'm not the same?

I'm done. I'm talking about pineapple pizza.

You've changed the subject, and I think that's the wrong move. I think, you know, if you have a problem with me, address it to me now.

I don't have a problem, I'm just saying, dude, you're in a relationship now and I'm really happy for you, it just bums me out sometimes, okay? I miss hanging out with my old friend.

I gave you the whole last night I hung out with you. I didn't even turn my camera on.

Oh, so now it's a chore?

No.

So now you just have to give it to me?

I hung out with you last night.

You don't fuck me like you used to.

You took me to the worst fucking, you took me to the worst event last night.

You're a dick.

Yeah, I am, it was the worst.

Where did we go last night? Okay, our friend Dirty Dom and Seth who are like notorious potheads. They took us to a—

Rappers.

Rappers. They took us to a Democratic—

Who are so desperate to make it, they put me in a rap song.

It's like a— what was it, like a Democratic meeting?

Yeah, it was a Southern California meeting of Democrats.

It was like a city council meeting. And they went there to meet the governor of California, who they met for like a second.

Lieutenant Governor Gavin Newsom.

They were really excited about it. And yeah, we were there for like an hour.

It was just funny, because it's like these two potheads trying to be political and be socially conscious, when all we've ever known them to be is just to bring a bunch of girls back to the crib.

It was so interesting, because I've never been in a council meeting before. And one of the people came up to the podium, and they're like, we need to address sexual harassment. And then another person came to the podium and goes, all in favor, raise your hand. And everybody raised their hand. I'm just like, who the fuck? And then she goes, all opposed, raise your hand. And no one raised their hand. It's kind of fucking stupid. I don't even know why they voted for that.

I went to a meeting once in college for like political activism or whatever.

Yeah.

And the first item of business was about whether they were going to do new business or old business. They were like— What does that mean? It was basically like, okay guys, we have new business and we have old business. Then the first item of business today we want to talk about is if we're going to do old business or new business. It was— this is stupid. We should cut this out. Keep going.

That's amazing. I hope that was the portion of the podcast where you— left your room to go get a drink of water. Welcome back. No, but it was great. We ran into some politician dude who—

Yeah, he was like the godfather.

He was like the godfather. And I have this DACA situation where I've talked about it a lot. I may get deported. I may not, whatever. He came up to me, and he's almost spitting on my face as he's talking to me because he's so close. And he's like, listen, man, you have nothing to worry about. You have nothing to worry about. We will figure this out. And then I was really uncomfortable. 'cause he was so close, and he was like yelling into my mouth.

Yeah, and he was, he put his two hands on your shoulders.

Yeah, he put his hands on my shoulders, and he goes, and I was so uncomfortable, I was like visibly uncomfortable, and he goes, this isn't a police interrogation, man, you're okay. He thought me getting uncomfortable was me getting sad about my situation.

Yeah, he thought you were like a dishwasher that thought he was gonna get taken out of the country, and you weren't that worried about it.

Yeah, he was like, listen, man, I'm not ICE. It's okay, I'm not here to deport you. I'm your friend. I'm like, dude, Jesus, you're freaking me out right now.

Yeah, I didn't like the way that he was like— he was like, really looked you in the eye. He was like staring you down.

Fucking shook my hand, and I swear to God, he fractured 7 of my bones in there. I think I have 2 fingers left. Remember when he shook your hand?

Oh my God, it was awful. I hate when guys shake your hand really hard. Yeah, there's no point to it.

There's nothing. There's—

I don't understand. I can fucking squeeze your hand too.

You know, not as hard.

I could, I could squeeze his hand real hard.

I believe you. Um, another question we got on Twitter, uh, someone, someone tweeted me a bunch of things. It was like a tweet from Natasha Lacey. Um, she wants us to talk about breastfeeding in public. Jason does it.

Jason, Trisha and I breastfeed all the time together.

Yeah, Trisha breastfeeds Jason, uh, when they're at McDonald's waiting for their ICES.

I saw a nursing station in Vegas coming back from the airport. I, I wished you were there. I wanted you to come in. I wanted to shoot a bit where you open it up and I'm nursing off of her.

And your second on our tip. There's a nursing station in Vegas?

Yeah, in the airport, in the Virgin terminal. It's this big, big box says nursing station, and it's just like— it looks like a photo booth, you know?

Yeah, it's just really blurry.

Blurry?

Like you can't see through the glass, right?

Oh no, yeah, it's just a door. You just open the door and inside there's a baby getting some milk.

Are there multiple babies?

There was a ton of babies. You can have as many as you want.

There's just random babies you go to nurse? Yeah, it's not even your own babies. At the Virgin terminal today, we have 20 babies that need Nursing any mother. Um, they also want us to talk about thoughts on ghosts.

Well, what are your thoughts on breastfeeding in public?

I love it.

Yeah, I mean, I'm just kidding.

I don't know. I don't think there's any problem to it.

Bother me?

Does it bother people?

It shouldn't.

The only place it would maybe bother me is if someone's doing it at a dinner table, at my dinner table, and there's like, you know, we're eating at a restaurant.

Oh, you're eating?

Yeah.

The baby shouldn't eat?

Fuck you.

You're gonna have your sandwich?

Yeah, but I don't have to suck on a woman's tit to eat my sandwich.

I do if I want Trisha to pay.

No, I don't have a problem with it.

Okay, next question.

Is Jason gay?

Yes.

Okay. Thoughts on ghosts?

Yeah, they exist.

Have you ever had a ghost encounter?

No, I haven't. My good friends have. A lot of my good friends have, and I believe them.

I've had a couple.

Yeah, um, well, this house is haunted.

I've heard this house is haunted. Yeah, I've had a couple actually, um, in my house that happened, um, right when I bought it. And I never wanted to tell anybody because I just didn't want to like egg it on.

Sure.

Um, when Natalie and Reggie were living at my house, right, and they were remodeling my house, I wasn't there. They told me in the middle of the night the speakers turned on in the room they were sleeping at and this is fucking freaky shit, and started playing a song. And I don't know the name of the song, but it goes, "I'm so lonely, so lonely." You know that song? "I'm Mr.

Lonely." I kind of, yeah. Who sings it?

"So lonely." It's, I don't know who sings it, but it's fucking terrifying. And it started playing at full blast in the middle of the night. And they were like, they fucking jumped up and they just started looking for the remote.

Really?

And they couldn't find it. Yeah, but then they ended up turning off like the speaker.

That's freaky.

It's fucking freaky. And then my mom stayed, because I was there by myself for like 3 weeks, right? I was just there, but completely by myself living there. And yeah, I heard a couple footsteps, you know, here and there, like on the roof or whatever. And then my mom stayed, and before she was leaving, I'm like, did you— was this place— like, this is when she first visited. I'm like, did you think this place was weird in any way? And she's like, holy shit, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to creep you out, but there was a couple experiences I had here where I think this place is haunted.

Your mom said that about your house?

Yeah.

What were they?

It was just like footsteps on the roof, like almost like if there's people walking around my attic.

This man kept trying to have sex with me each night I was there. Mom, that was Dad.

He referred to himself as Jason Nash, but it couldn't have been him. Why did I join in on that conversation?

I had something the other night. I was asleep here. And, um, I heard a bang and then a baseball.

That was Todd and Karina.

No, Todd and Karina heard it. Oh, we all three of us got up. It was a bang and then it was a bang and then the baseball bat flew against the wall.

Bullshit. Yeah, go fuck yourself.

I was so fucking petrified. I ran to Todd's arms because you know how strong he is. Yeah.

And but to be fair, there's a dog that lives here.

My door was shut. The length— the dog was not in my room. The baseball bat's in my room. Oh shit, keep a baseball bat in there in case you come around.

Wait, are you serious?

Yeah.

Did you see it fly?

No, I was asleep, but I heard it.

But do you, do you understand?

Todd and Corinna came flying in.

Jason, if something like this happened in my house, like something that serious, yeah, I'd start crying and I'd never come. I'd sell my house. Do you know what I mean?

Why? Then no one's been killed by ghosts.

That's, that's, that's exactly what I'm trying to get to, right? No one's been killed by a ghost, right? Or so we know. And no one's like caught anything on camera ever that's like, oh, this is fucking real, you know what I mean?

You ever see Ghost Hunters?

Yeah, but you know.

They fake that shit.

Do they?

Yeah.

How do you know that?

Oh, I got some friends on the inside.

Do you actually?

Yeah, I had a friend, he was working on one of those ghost shows and they were like there like all night and they were like waiting and they had these two hosts, they're like these ghost experts. And like, we can feel it, like we're sensing it. And we're getting something on the reader, the meter, the meter's going off. And my friend, he was like, just wanted to go home. And he just fucking like— they were in an old high school and he just slammed the auditorium door. Ah, and they were like, that's it, that's the ghost! He's like, oh my God, that's crazy.

This is your friend. There you have it, guys, we found the ghost. Um, no, yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm pretty like indifferent about ghosts. They could be real, they could not be real. But you know what is real?

What?

Squarespace sponsoring us for another podcast.

Oh my God.

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Oh, wonderful.

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That would do probably really well.

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Does that squirt? Does this look cancerous? Huh? Does this look cancerous, dude?

I don't want to talk about shit like that. Fucking— you know, I haven't been to the doctor in 4 years.

Why?

Because I'm just scared.

Oh yeah, you should go. You feel so much better right after. Really? Yeah, there's nothing wrong with you. You're young.

Yeah, but I'll feel like a— I'll feel like a lump, like in my neck.

That's because you don't go to the doctor.

And I'll be like, it's fucking game over. I know this is something. Like, my grandpa had cancer, and I think it runs in his side of the family, so I'm like, it's time. Here it comes.

When did he die? How old was he?

17.

Seriously?

No, that means he must have had my mom when he was, you know, uh, no, no, no, he didn't. No, but he, I think that he died pretty old. He died like in his 60s, 50s.

Go to the doctor. My mom, my mom, I'm so tired of people, uh, fucking thinking you're this amazing person.

What?

Tired of it.

What'd your mom say?

My mom today, she goes, that David, he's the best friend you ever had. What? Really?

Yeah, that's fucking amazing. I love your mom, guys. We were sitting around our living room and I was vlogging, so I was, you know, I was being my vlog self where I was making jokes about his mom dying. And I don't know if I said this on the podcast already, but I shit you not, the second my camera turned off, I think we started talking about like, just about our friend group, and then his mom just goes off for like, you know, 3 whole minutes. David is the best.

I mean, he's a man.

And all our friends are there, like Brandon, Zane, Jonah, everybody. And Brandon's like, what the fuck are you saying? He just talked about you dying for the past 30 minutes. I love Jason's mom. I was going to actually say something on the topic of doctors. My first STD test I ever got, I got it when I was— shit— 17 or 18. I was big on Vine. Not big on Vine. I had like 800,000 on Vine. Sorry.

That's big.

So I rarely ever got noticed. Like ever got recognized. And one of the first 3 times I got noticed in LA was at the STD clinic. Yeah, isn't that crazy?

How did it come out?

Okay, the test was great, but it was so awkward because we were sitting in the waiting room and there's like 5 people around us, and guy goes, literally goes, hey dude, I know you, I know who you are. And I'm like, oh, what's up dude, thanks man. And he's like, you're from Vine, dude, I love your Vines.

Hey, this guy's from Vine over here, guys.

This guy is fucking— he has diseases on his penis. Um, no, but the test came back negative.

What made you want to go get an STD test?

Oh my God, because when you move to LA, everybody's like, be careful, the fucking STDs basically live here. Like, that's how it is. And you know, you see all the signs here in LA. Sure, like syphilis is sucky. Like, they're all funny signs, they're all like punny signs that have to do with STDs. No, but I got really scared because I never got an STD test in my life, so I'm like, I gotta fucking do it. And I did it, and it was like, it was the worst week of my life waiting for those results.

It took a week?

Fucking horrifying. A week for some of the results, because they test for more stuff and it takes a little longer. You're like, you're like, it doesn't take a week unless you have something. Oh no, no, I got them back right away.

I went and tried to get an AIDS test once. Really? The doctor just laughed at me.

Why?

He was just like, why do you want an AIDS test? And I was like, I, I don't know, like, I think it during the— it was a long time ago. And I was like, oh, maybe I'm like just to be I don't know. He's like, do you have any— like, why would you have AIDS? And I was like, I don't know, what the fuck? And he's like, well, do you have— do you have, uh, what kind of a doctor is this? Do you have anal sex? And I go, no. And he goes, do you— do you shoot needles? And I go, no. He goes, you don't have AIDS. Like that.

Are you serious?

Yeah. And he goes, I mean, he goes, I mean, I'll test you. And I was like, okay, yeah, let's do it. I think it's really funny. I've run into a lot of flipping doctors in my life.

What do you mean?

They're just really flippant. They're just kind of like, what are you talking about? Fucking scared? Like, what? No, you're fine. Get out of here. Every doctor I've ever run into. Really? Yeah, even the baby. Even when we had the babies, you know, when I had Wyatt and Charlie. When I had Wyatt and Charlie. When I birthed Wyatt and Charlie out my vagina. Even then, the doctor would be like, yeah, fucking push them out.

That's it.

Don't worry about it. You're fine. Like, really? Like, yeah, go ahead. Time to go. Or when they send you home with the baby.

Oh, that's weird.

Oh, that's the worst.

When they send you home?

Yeah.

Because now it's yours.

Oh my God.

It's yours for the next 18 years of, of its life.

And it— yes. And at that moment too, like, the— it's just a baby. It's just a blob. Oh my God, it's just the thing.

And you have to feed it, you have to buy things for it, you have to save money for its future. That's so— I can't wrap my head around bringing a baby home from the hospital. Is there an option to leave it there?

Yes. Well, you can leave them at the fire station. Really?

Yeah, that's where people leave babies.

Yeah, you can leave a baby at the fire station, no questions asked.

Seriously?

Yeah, because that, you know, they had a lot of babies being put in dumpsters and stuff.

Is this a fucking law?

Yeah, it's a law.

Leave a baby at the fire station, no questions asked?

No questions asked. Yeah.

Do they become firefighters or do they go into an orphanage? Are there just a— are there just like 50, 50 toddlers at every fire station constantly?

Yeah, that's why when you see a building on fire, it's all babies putting the fire out.

Dude, holy shit, never thought of that.

They gotta put them to work.

That's why they save the babies first in fires, because they want them to work for them.

That's right, they're recruiting.

Yeah, they're not saving the babies so they can be with their families.

No, you didn't see that on 48 Hours, that whole exposé they did?

No, firefighters are douchebags.

Yeah, it's human trafficking basically.

Um, no, that's crazy, that's scary. Um, but yeah, STD. Oh, and you can get, uh, out here in LA, I don't know if you know that, but AIDS I guess is like a bigger thing. Um, or at least what I thought. You can get an STD— you can get an AIDS test in like a taco truck, basically. They have them out here. You've seen that, right? Yeah, like on Hollywood Boulevard.

Oh, well, yeah, it's a truck. They don't serve tacos.

Yeah, they don't serve tacos. It's not like, you're good, here's a taco, or—

but it's a mobile AIDS van.

It's a mobile AIDS van.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, which sounds very scary. Yeah, it sounds like it's spreading the disease. Um, but you can always— it's, it's usually like disease is mobile. It's in West Hollywood and it's in Hollywood, and you can go there to get an AIDS test. I think it's free. Yeah, it's free. And then you can take as many condoms as you want for free. It's pretty, pretty incredible. It's pretty, pretty good thing.

Yeah, that someone's paying for that.

Yeah, it's tax dollars going to work, and I really appreciate it.

Are you going back to Vernon Hills soon?

I want to. I want to go back to my— oh, actually, I have one more question.

What is it?

Do you have any near-death experiences other than every day of your life?

Today I thought I was dead when I woke up.

Bummer.

Today, today Link was sitting next to me, the dog, and I think she was like sensing that I was dying. That's how I felt. Why? I don't know, dogs have like a sense.

She started whimpering?

She just kept following me around.

You okay?

She started gnawing on my carcass. I almost drowned.

You almost drowned?

Yeah.

Why?

Swimming out to a sandbar once.

I'm sorry, but that sounds like the funniest thing.

Did I tell you this story?

No.

I never told you this story?

No.

Oh my God, when I was married, I was like down the—

you, by the way, guys, Jason has so many fucking stories that he'll like bring up randomly and be like, I never told you this. And then I'll be like, do you have any more stories for the podcast? And he's like, no, I'm out. And then we'll stop talking, and then he'll talk about how he once owned a farm in the middle of Manhattan and aliens attacked. Oh, I forgot, I didn't tell you this one. I didn't tell you the alien story. I didn't tell you I used to work at Area 51. Okay, go.

No, I was just— I was out, I was with my my ex-wife, and we were with her dad down in Cape Cod.

Okay.

And I went to take a run.

Yeah.

And I went and I was running on the beach, and then I saw a sandbar. You know what a sandbar is?

I don't. Is it where the sand comes up above the water?

Yeah, it's like, it's like you can swim for a while, and then basically there's sand out in the middle of the ocean.

It's like a small island.

A small island in the ocean. Exactly, a sandbar.

Okay.

So I was like, oh, it's like, cool, I'm gonna swim to that sandbar. I used to be in shape. And, uh, and there was this old woman on the next to me, and she goes— I go, oh hey, do you think I could make it to that sandbar?

How old were you?

I was like 30.

Oh Jesus.

4 kids, yeah. And then she said, she goes, I wouldn't go out that way. Current's strong today. She goes, I wouldn't try it if I were you. Like a Boston accent. And I was like, yeah, fuck that old lady, like whatever.

Yeah.

So I started swimming out there. What'd she say?

Fuck advice. Yeah, who needs it?

Start swimming out there, and I'm swimming, and I'm swimming, and, and then the current came along and just started fucking drowning the fuck out of me really bad.

Really?

And I was like swallowing water, and I was like, this is it.

How far were you from the shore?

I don't know, 100 feet.

Okay, wow, it's bad.

And I was— and then I just decided, I was like, all right, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. I was panicking. And then I got on my back and I started to float, and, um, this— the current was really fucking strong, and the current just fucking took me like way, way, way, way, way down the end of the beach. And I was like, I'm dead. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking die. This current is so strong.

Oh, I never even thought of that.

Yeah, but then somehow the current took me to land way down the end of the beach. And, and I survived.

No shit.

I lived. Yes.

So did you make it or did you die? Let me know, let me know.

And then as I got out of the water, like 14 fire trucks.

Fuck you.

The entire Chatham Police Department.

What were they doing? Stealing babies from the beach.

They were coming to save me. Get out! Because while I was out there, I was like, help, help! I was yelling help.

Oh, I thought you said you didn't panic.

Oh no, I panicked a lot. And, uh, and I'm sorry, I'm laughing.

That's not funny.

And then I came up on shore, and, uh, the woman goes— the woman goes, I told you, I told you not to try to swim the current. And then, um, but did you find my pot of gold? And then the chief of police came up to me, and, and he just said He goes, "Tried to swim to the sandbar, didn't you?" In a Boston accent, "Tried to swim to the sandbar, didn't you?" And I said, "Yeah." And he goes, "We got a fucking couple idiots every summer that try to do that." Is it like a—

so you're not allowed to swim out that far? Who called the police?

I did.

When I said, "Help, I'm drowning!" I know, but who called the fire department?

The old lady must have. Really? Or the lifeguard. It was an empty beach.

What about your wife?

She was doing her hair. One time I got beat up in a strip club. Ever tell you that story?

Yes, you did.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I'm repeating myself.

And then, uh, did the fire department cost you any money?

No, they didn't charge me. I don't know how, but they didn't. Did you ever die?

Did I ever die?

Did you ever almost die?

Um, I was— I don't know if I ever told— I may have said this on the podcast. We've done so many, I don't remember. I, I came close to killing someone.

Who?

Other than my vlogs, there's a time other than what I've been recording. You're like, you don't say.

Never really respected life.

No, I was in the third grade, third or fourth grade, and we were playing double dutch and there's a girl in the middle and my friend and I, I think I said this, my friend and I were like double dutching it.

Yeah.

So we had like the rope spinning.

Yeah.

And it got caught around her neck. And it got caught around her neck in the way where it— if you pulled one way and you pulled the other, it just got tighter because we like threw it around her.

You did tell me this story, but you told me in the car. Yeah, and I vlogged it, but I never used it.

Ah yeah, like this is a good story, lasso style. So it— so it went around her neck, and my friend had one end, I had the other end, and I don't know, out of instinct, I don't know what the fuck what I was thinking. I was— okay, hold on, I was like in the first grade, I was really young. Out of instinct, I go, pull! And we just started fucking pulling, and this girl's choking. And it took me like 2 seconds to realize she was choking, uh, and like my, my weird, my weird whole pull thing got like interrupted by a teacher running up to us, what are you guys doing, what are you guys doing, like freaking out because she was, she was red. I wasn't choking, we weren't choking her for a while, it was, it was literally like a second or two, but it was enough to go You know what I mean? It was enough to like— it could have been— I'm also maybe exaggerating it because I was in first grade, so everything was a lot worse.

Yeah.

But no, it felt really brutal. And when the teacher took us in, she talked to us. She sat us down about it. And I came home crying. I came home sobbing. And my parents were like, what happened? What happened at school? And I'm like, I'm not telling you guys till the fifth grade. And I actually kept the secret till the fifth grade. The 5th grade, I ended up telling them.

Did they ask you about it between then and the 5th grade?

No, I just remembered the 5th grade. I'm like, holy fuck. I kept a promise to tell my parents, and I told them, and they're like, wow, that's really weird. I'm surprised they didn't guilt it out of me.

Yeah, I'm surprised they didn't march you down to the school or go to the school.

Because I was crying, and I'm just like, I'll tell you guys in the 5th grade. Were they just like, OK, sounds good? I don't know.

Why the 5th grade? That was enough time for you? You needed that much time to process it?

I just thought of something, I just thought of something like far away, like I thought, I don't know, that's what I thought, that's the time I thought that I had time.

Hey, listen, man, there's plenty of time for you and Tricia. I just wanna say.

Fuck off.

I'm around, I'm here.

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Well, no, I'd be stupid to.

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So you— let me finish.

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Weird, I went to it and I know about it, but you go ahead, David.

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I didn't know you had those kind of feelings for me.

No, that's awesome. Thanks for coming on the podcast. We had— I was in a marketing class. I think I may have said this too, but God, I don't remember anything. We had to come up with an app. Yeah, this was pre-Uber Eats and pre-Postmates.

Okay.

And I came— I don't know, obviously I'm sure millions of kids have thought this, like, thought of this app.

Yeah.

Um, I thought of a food delivery system. I'm like, I want to be able to get McDonald's even though it doesn't deliver. And I told my sister— my sister, sorry, I told my teacher, and she's just like, it's probably not gonna be possible because it'd just be too expensive for the fees. And because I— because the project was to make an app like to make like a fake app and explain it.

Yeah.

But I was like so serious about it. I'm like, no, seriously, I really think this could work. Like, I think this is like bigger than just a project. Like, I feel like we should talk to someone. And she's like, yeah, but think about the cost of like of the driver picking it up. It'd just be too much extra money where people wouldn't want to pay.

Yeah.

And I, I kind of agreed with her. I'm like, I guess, I guess you're right. I wouldn't want to pay an extra because I was cheap back then. And I guess so was she. And you know, so is every student in high school. You can't pay an extra $4 to get food delivered. You just go yourself.

Well, I bet Postmates isn't a big thing in Vernon Hills.

It's not, right? It's not. And that's why she was right and she was wrong, right? And then a couple years later, Uber Eats and Postmates came out, and they do exactly what I came up with. And that's why I'm in a lawsuit with Postmates right now.

Um, I was in Vegas this weekend.

You were in Vegas this week? Yes, you were.

Amazing.

You saw—

different than when I go with you and the boys.

Well, of course.

Just saw shows.

Yeah, how was it?

Would you like to see shows?

Sure, if you'd invite me or hang out with me sometime.

I invited I did.

You love Trisha more than me.

You made fun of the helicopter ride, but then last night we were at—

I love the helicopter ride where Josh Peck's like, can I come? Yeah, because I wanted to come.

Yeah, well then why'd you make fun of me?

When did I make fun of it?

In the car with Todd.

I just thought it was funny, like it was like a funny thing over here. What'd you do? What'd you do on your trip to Vegas? Vegas is tough.

No, it's— I— she does it right. She plans— she— you go to these shows, Trisha—

Trisha's like, uh, Jason's girlfriend again, is so extravagant, over the top. She rented out a fucking ginormous pink limousine. Oh, I know, like huge pink limousine. I mean, she's like the cliché woman. Yeah, she's the cliché woman, woman you'd want to go with for the full Vegas experience.

The thing that was cool about seeing shows, which I'd never done before, is like, you know when you go to like Staples Center, you gotta like go in there, there's an opening act?

Yeah, this is fast. You get there, the show starts.

You're— you walk in that damn door, it's on, and it's over in an hour.

Guys, it's crazy. You guys went to go see a Criss Angel show.

We saw Criss Angel. We met Criss Angel.

OK, and Criss Angel was like a huge fucking thing on television. He's a magician. He was a huge thing a couple years ago. And now a lot of people, when they're kind of done with the whole TV thing and touring, they go to Vegas. They get a residency there.

He does 2 shows a night.

He does 2 shows a night. And how many people do you think sit in the auditorium?

5,000?

5,000 people. And how much is a ticket for VIP?

$35. Oh, VIP was— $150?

VIP's $150 and general admission is $35.

I think so, yeah.

So he's making, after probably all the cuts, at least $50 grand per show, right?

$50 grand?

Yeah.

I think he's making more than that.

I'm saying at least. He could be making like $80, $90, $100.

Yeah, he probably makes like $250K every night.

Guys, that's fucking insane.

Maybe more.

You know how amazing that is?

Yeah, it's pretty great. It's pretty amazing. The show's really good.

He lives— he, though, the way these things work is they live in the hotel usually.

Right, or maybe not, or maybe they do.

Sometimes they do, sometimes they do.

Yeah, Elton John.

If they're visiting. But they go, they do a show, they do 2 shows a night. They have it all done, like they know what they're doing, you know what I mean? It's not like making a vlog every day where you have to fucking stress about—

His show is stressful though, 'cause he's like hanging from the ceiling and stuff.

I know, but once you got it down pat.

Still.

I know, but still.

Still, it's got to be stressful. He has like a blade on stage, like sawing shit in half.

It's walking through a pool. Park for him. He's been doing it all his life.

I guess.

I'm just saying, I would kill to be in a position—

if you had to do Views twice, twice a night, you'd be exhausted.

If I had to do a live podcast twice for fucking $250 grand a night, come on, Jason.

It's— it— it— yeah, for $250 grand, that'd be nice. But like, I'm just saying, like, it's—

and it's—

and what he does is way harder than sitting down doing the podcast.

That's— that's what— that's what I love. I'm so jealous And I envy singers and magicians because, like I've said this before, I'm not a fan of touring for this podcast because it's us talking. But like Criss Angel, he has this show that he knows when people come, it's going to be fucking awesome. Like there is so much shit going on. And like I would kill for that. Like if I— if it was— if we had like this amazing show where we're like juggling and fire and everything, I would love to do it every night. You know I love seeing people's reactions. Sure. So feeding off the crowd's energy and doing the same show and getting it down perfect, right, with a new crowd every time is my fucking wet dream, right? And getting paid as much as he does is—

So why don't you write a show?

I am. This is my big announcement.

It's a one-man show announcement today. You can tell the people about it. What's it gonna be about?

Um, it's gonna be magic tricks.

Really?

I'm gonna be sawing people in half, but I'm actually gonna be doing it.

I heard you're gonna be sawing them in half and then Sewing them back together.

I'm gonna be sewing them back together. It's gonna be real life. I'm only gonna have 60 seconds before the blood completely drains the body. No, but I don't know. I'm into the whole Elton John.

We saw fake Michael Jackson. We saw fake Sting, Aretha Franklin.

You saw fake Elvis Presley.

She— we saw Elton John, the real Elton John.

It's fucking nuts.

We're 10 rows from him. He was amazing. She was so excited. We went and saw fake Sting. She was like just as excited, you know what I mean? Yeah, she loves impersonators, which was cool. It was fun. But I think next time we go to Vegas, we should see more shows. Yeah, shows are the way to do it, and not just like go around trying to get drunk.

And don't gamble, guys. Gambling is tough. But speaking of tough, we got in the podcast. No, we do.

I can't.

I have an Under Armour event to go to.

Yo, nice.

Thanks.

How'd you get invited to that?

Cass sent— Cass invited us.

Wow, I got invited too. I'm just pretending. Oh shit, I'm wearing an Under Armour jacket right now, dude. Are you fucking— I'm on the inside, don't worry.

Um, I got an event to go to that we got to go to tonight. Um, yeah, we got a lot to do.

There's—

this is gonna be a busy night. Make sure to keep on smiling. Tweet us at Jason.

Good thing to say, keep smiling. That should be your tagline. Keep on smiling. I'm David Dobrik. And keep on smiling.

This doesn't sound that bad. You're right, do it. I'm David Dobrik. This has been a Views podcast, and we just want you to keep on smiling, motherfuckers.

No, don't need that second part.

Just keep on smiling, guys. Merch is on sale. fandrew.co/dobrik, fandrew.co/nash. Jason, if your mother's listening, what do you have to tell her?

Love you, Mom. You're the best. The best thing that ever happened to me. I remember, uh, all the wonderful things you've ever done for me, and, uh, Yeah, you're the best.

What about if your dad's listening?

What's up, Dad? No, I love you too, Dad.

I'm not a pussy anymore, Dad. I got my own podcast. Um, no, but that's it. All right, we gotta go, guys. Thanks for our sponsors, Honey, um, and the Honey app, because those— Jason's whatever. Oh, fuck it. Thanks for our sponsors, Honey and Squarespace. We'll see you guys later. This has been Views, and my name is Jeff. Bye.