David's First Sloppy Kiss

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I talk about stuff while he drafts a letter to his ex-wife hoping to get back together with her.

My dearest Gertrude, I am sorry for the time I—

Her name's not even Gertrude.

Took a shit in the backyard during our daughter's third birthday party.

All right, Bruce, roll the intro music. Bruce's intro song, so incredible. Can't believe you put that together for us. Very, very happy that he's in our lives.

It's got a crack and a snap and a popple to it.

Yeah, just like the cereal. Down, down, down, down, up. I actually don't know what it is because we never hear it when we play it. So it could be literally the intro song could be Jason and David are pussies. And every time it plays, I'm just like, There it is, another great hit by Bruce. Thank you, Bruce. I think I've heard the intro song like once or twice, because I rarely listen to these podcasts back.

You didn't pay Bruce for the song.

I actually have these podcasts, I download them in a separate way, so I only download my portion of the podcast.

So you cut me out entirely?

Yeah.

Oh, that works great for you.

Yeah. It just sounds like me talking to myself.

Must be sort of an empty volley though, you know, it's just you talking. Yeah, but just take the David track.

It's nice because when it's just my voice and then you're talking, but that's all muted. It's like a nice breather. I listen to myself talk and then empty, empty, empty. And then I listened to myself talk again.

And then you sort of piece the conversation together by what you said after what you didn't hear what I'm saying.

It's a lot nicer that way.

Is that on Spotify? You get that on Spotify, right? You just, just the David track.

We actually don't have a Spotify promo to do, so no need to put that into our podcast today, Jason.

Well, our podcast is available on Spotify.

Yes, you're right.

Yeah.

Here's my question to you.

Tell me.

Give me your opinion on dating apps.

I just think they're really bad and a waste of time.

What do you mean?

They're for pussies.

You just went on—

I'm on 5 of them.

That's why they're for pussies. My favorite, Jason just had a date with this girl that came over to the house. Remember this?

Which you ruined.

Which I ruined. And Jason has a bunch of dates. From dating apps like he does.

I really don't have that many. That was the first one I've had in like 2 months.

In like 3 days.

No, seriously, when was the last one? That other girl that was in like—

Okay, you're right, you're right, you're right.

Really not.

But you have them enough for me to like—

Enough for you to fucking bring your camera out and ruin them every time. Yeah, you're ruining lives. You ruin lives with your camera, you know. So Jason, you ruined Brandon's date.

So Jason's all dressed up for his date.

I put on a pair of chinos and a button-down shirt.

Jason, if you wear underwear, you're dressed up.

Oh, stop that.

Listen, so he has his hair gelled back and everything.

So jealous. Shut up.

Shut up.

Have a girlfriend.

Let me finish.

You get so jealous.

I'm not even kidding.

You're not even saying that underneath your love for Eliza, there is this crazy jealousy.

What?

That I get to go out and be single. No, I know it. I know it. Because I— go ahead, go.

Let me get to my point.

Oh, I'll get to mine after.

Jason's all— his hair is perfectly gelled back and it's amazing. And like, I love when Jason goes on dates because it's perfect for me to vlog. So, so this girl's coming over, he's sitting on the couch with the boys. They're just talking. I don't think Jason knows that I'm still in the house. And then I come out of the kitchen and Jason goes, fuck. Jason's like, I thought you left. And I'm like, no, I'm here. I heard you have a date. And then I do, I do the, the, the, his date comes up to the door and I, and me, Zane and Matt King are all like, they're our friends and we're all like ready to be like complete douchebags and interview this girl and just just get to the bottom of everything. She walks in the door and I'm standing on the table in the living room, like I'm standing on it with my shoes on.

Yeah.

And she's like, hi. And I'm like, hey, I'm standing on the table to assert my dominance. And she's just like— she was really weirded out by it, like really weirded out by it. Yeah. And then right away I asked her, I'm like, are you okay with being on camera? And that really threw her off because she had no— she didn't know that we were YouTubers at all.

Yeah, you You look like a porn maker.

So she thought we were— she thought we were porn directors.

She thought we were porn people. Yeah, because, uh, Matt King called her like Alexis Texas or something because she said she was a porn star. She did.

I asked her, I asked her, I'm like, can you be on camera? And she's like, only, only if I'm naked. And I, I assumed— I assumed that was like a weird joke, or she said that. Yeah, that's what she said.

Yeah.

So then we were like, okay, maybe she's a porn star. And then she gave us a porn star's name, and it turned out it wasn't her. But after, after we left the room, she was really uncomfortable, right?

Oh yeah, she was so mad. And I'd met her for— I'd met her the same time you met her. I knew her for that. She was like, you didn't protect me. You, you—

that's what she said to you?

Yeah.

She goes, after knowing you for an hour?

I don't know if she said protect me, but that was— that was— she intimated. She was like, you know, you just, you just like threw me in here. You didn't give me any warning. I didn't know you live with people. I mean, you know, in her defense, like, you know, I see her side of it totally.

Yeah. And, um, she texted her friend, right?

She texted her friend my name and my address in case she was murdered.

Every girl that goes on a date with Jason—

no, not every girl that goes out on a date with me, just every girl that meets you. And you know what, to even sit here and point the finger that I'm the weird one, that I went—

oh, I never said—

I put on a button-down shirt.

You're the weird one dressed up, huh? I was saying that was nice that you dressed up and I knew you were on a date. I was making fun of you. You get very defensive. And every time you're on a date with a girl and I say something like Jason goes on a lot of dates. Jason freaks out. Jason, like, if I say it in front of the girl, Jason will go like, I don't go on a lot of dates. Take that back, David. Take that. When was the last time you saw me go on a date?

Who fucking says that? Who says that?

I'm holding a camera in my hand, you dipshit. I'm trying to mess up the date.

Yeah, well, exactly. Maybe don't. Maybe like take the night off. Maybe be like, oh, you know what, uh, I'll let Jason just have a normal date for once.

Okay. Okay, to be fair, the last time I did it, your date went well because you guys got to talk about what a weird incident that was. It was just this last time, 'cause the girl you went out with was a Scientologist.

No, it wasn't.

No, she wasn't. She wasn't scary at all.

But she was a Scientologist.

She is a Scientologist. We had a great date.

I believe you, but tell me.

No, we had a great date.

I believe you, but tell me.

'Cause I had to fucking dig it out though. I had to go to sushi and dig your fucking mess out. For an hour, and for an hour at dinner.

Oh, boo-hoo.

And then I— and then we went to the bar after and we were having a good time. She's like, I'm still not comfortable, I'm still not comfortable. And I was like, I don't— I don't know what to tell you. I'm like, I'm really sorry. I'm like, we're nice people, I swear. I said, he's actually— I had to defend you.

To be fair, all I said was that one comment on the table and asked her if she can be on camera. She said no. I left the room, literally left the room. And then Matt King was the one that was like looking up her Instagram and asking her if she was a porn star and stuff. I was really respectful with this woman. She told me she didn't want to be on camera. I'm like, okay, I'm gone.

I was looking at my email. I wasn't listening. I probably should have been paying attention right away. Um, but yeah, I had to dig it out.

But tell me what she said on your date about being a Scientologist.

Well, she is a Scientologist.

Great.

And she told me she was a Scientologist. And, and which isn't the scary part.

This is the scary part.

She's, she's, she's really funny.

Yeah. Okay.

She's actually very funny. So we're at dinner and we're having sushi and We like all the same things, and I don't know, like, it's going really, really well. I was like, this is great. Like, and we're not even talking at points because we're just like comfortable. And, uh, I was talking about her and whatever, and then she was making me laugh a lot. Then we went to the bar and she's like, hey, I'm a Scientologist, is that a— is that a deal breaker? Like that. And I was like, I was like, that's all— that's hilarious. She was like She's like, no, I'm, I'm not, I'm not joking. And I was like, you're joking, you're fucking with me. Yeah, because she just doesn't. And so then, um, then she was like, why would I joke about that? Shit, why would I joke about that? Why would I joke about something like that? And I was like, I don't know, because it's fucking hilarious. It would be a funny thing to say. And then she said— and I still think she might be fucking with me.

And then what did you say to her?

And then I said, so, okay, so if you meet somebody and you get married to somebody, like you marry— if they're not a Scientologist, would you ever be with that person? And she's like, no, I would never be with that person. She's like, I would, you know, they would, they would just have to change. They would just have to be a Scientologist.

Say the comment she said. Go ahead.

I'm getting to it. Me, because I'm fucking burning this relationship right now, David, on the podcast.

Yeah, I know.

I'm burning any future I have.

The comment she said is enough to burn. I would have left the dinner.

You gotta see your ass though, David.

No, go ahead, tell everybody the comments she said.

Burn this up.

It's fucked up already. Jenny, if you're listening to this, goodbye, bitch.

I want to have sex with her though. You're fucking ruining lives here. Yeah, well, no, she said, uh, yeah, she did say, um, well, you know, it's, um, it's us against them.

She said it's us against them, guys. It's us against them. That is some straight up World War II, like Nazi behavior.

No, I don't think so. I don't think so.

It's us against them.

No, I think Scientologists, they, they found something that really works for them, and they're, they're— it's the same. Try to look at it like the way you look at your vlog.

You sound like Hitler right now.

I don't sound like Hitler. I'm not going to become a Scientologist.

That's exactly what he said. He said, I found something that works for me.

You sound like Hitler. Exactly. Yes, it does sound like Hitler. And you sound like Hitler when Todd wants to go fucking drink on Tuesday night and you're upset with him. Don't— he's not filming.

Well, yeah, that's different. You're upset too. You came to me today, you're like, Todd's going out two nights in a row, what the hell is that all about?

You fucker, how dare you throw me under the bus, you son of a bitch. That's your MO that I've taken on. Fuck.

Okay. Yeah. So she goes, so this girl that Jason is on the date with, who's a Scientologist, again, no problem with being a Scientologist. Like, it doesn't matter. But when you say a comment like it's us against— it's us against everyone else, that's messed up.

It is. It?

Yes.

Am I just blinded by her beautiful eyes and perfect ass?

You're definitely blinded. I don't think she's the girl that you should be going back on a date with.

I hate when you talk reason like that.

I hate when you make sense. It sounds— it sounds genocidal. Like, it sounds like—

it sounds like you weren't there when she said it.

You were—

I was kind of drunk too, but she definitely did say us against them. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I ignored it because she gave me a handjob right after.

What is a Scientologist?

They, they believe in like becoming clear. So in other words, like, like for me, I can only speak for myself, but like I have a lot of like, you know, trauma from my life, my childhood or whatever, that I probably carry around. Like my father was abusive.

You were a loser in high school.

I was a loser in high school and in college and through adulthood. You have no money. You're a piece of shit. Your kids don't respect you. Okay, David. But, uh, there's a great documentary on HBO that HBO made. You can watch it on HBO Go and it's, it's called—

by the way guys, HBO Go is one of our— no, I'm just kidding. That'd be the smoothest transition ever. Scientology to our HBO Go promo.

This is so— this is so bad that I'm burning this relationship on this podcast.

It's good. We never said her name.

I know.

Martha Reynolds.

It's over.

Oh, it's 100% over. Even if she doesn't listen to the podcast, it's just the universe will just— we'll just end it somehow. She's not gonna text you back.

I know. I've been texting her.

Really?

Oh yeah, she's great. She's super nice.

Well, okay. I mean, that's fair.

I mean, I guess if she's— if she's really a If she's really right, then she'll understand that.

So to tell me—

doing a podcast—

tell me about Scientologists.

And that I fucking use every drip of my life and fucking exploit all the people I'm close with.

You do. That's the best.

It's awful. Jason, you know how many relationships I've had to burn? You know, my sister—

Jason's 11-year-old son can come to him and be like, hey Dad, I'm gay. And Jason will go on the podcast the next day and be like, guess what? No, you won't believe— no, I'm kidding.

That's hilarious. But I— there's— I would never— that is the one thing I would not do unless we really needed content, unless we were really desperate.

So Scientology isn't like a religion of like how we evolved, it's just how to live your life, right?

Yeah, it's more like that. Ah, it's more like that. But it's very strict, and if you're like not in the church, like you can't be married to someone who's not in the church.

Oh really?

And like, I had a friend, he was, uh, he's not a friend, he was like a friend of a friend. Wife got into the church— no, oh sorry, husband got in the church and she was not into it, not into it, not into it. And eventually they had to get a divorce.

Yeah. Are you serious?

Yeah, because she was like, he's like, you gotta, you gotta do this or not. And I'm not saying that like, you know, I don't, I don't know. And then when I tried to ask her about it, this bummed me out. It was very like— so it was like she wouldn't give me the information. Like, if you ask me about being Jewish, yeah, I would, I would love to talk to you all day and be like, oh yeah, it's like this, it's like that. But when I asked her, she like— it was like I wasn't in the club and I couldn't know anything. Well, that was— that kind of pissed me off.

So, so this guy, your friend, yeah, he became a Scientologist.

Yeah.

And he was what, like a Catholic before, whatever he was? He became a Scientologist. And he was already married to this woman.

Yeah.

And they had to get a divorce because she wouldn't change her beliefs.

She just wouldn't join the church.

Are you fucking serious?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah. I can't meet a fucking normal girl. I mean, no wonder the girl's like 26. That's the only reason I get somebody that like, you know, there's got to be that thing.

Maybe she was— maybe going out on a date with you, the girl was completing some weird Scientology scavenger hunt. Date a 45-year-old man who's at the climax of his life.

That's odd. I saw a bunch of people in white lab coats too that came into the bar. Strange.

You were just getting checked off a scavenger hunt list. But I'm glad. So you like dating apps, huh?

That one I met through Bumble.

Bumble, which is a dating app where the girl has to swipe— where the girl has to message you first.

Make the first contact.

And that's the app you have a hard time on?

Yeah, that's the one I get no, no, no matches.

And then on Tinder, you're a little monster. Do you swipe right on everybody?

No, but I have to tell you something really funny.

When it gets past 11 PM, you start swiping on everybody.

No, I— this is embarrassing, but I'll tell you because the listeners deserve it. I—

because the listeners deserve it.

The other day, I paid money to get like boosted, so like your profile would be seen more.

I did.

Yes. And then I got a notification like an hour later on my phone, it said, yo, you are killing it right now on Tinder, like 16 matches. I just thought it was funny because I paid for it. You know what I mean?

We have this common argument behind Jason's back with all our friends.

What?

Sorry, man, I didn't want you to find out this way, but it's, um—

No, you don't.

But it's figuring out if Jason's gay or not.

No, you don't.

Yes, we do. I wouldn't be honest— I wouldn't be dishonest with you on the podcast.

Do you have a behind-the-back conversation with?

Brandon, Alex, Zane, Heath, Scott, and Todd.

All of them?

Yeah.

No, no, no, it's—

you start tearing off. No, it's not true. No, you ask Zane and Zane goes, no, to be fair, to be fair, yeah, yeah, I have been asking Zane if you're gay because it's been, it's been fresh. But before, they would always bring it up around me because I used to hang out with you the most. They'd be like, hey, is Jason gay? And I'd be like, I don't think so, he's never tried anything on me. And then I'd be like, you know what, he did masturbate once when I was in the house. And that's something, that's something that I wasn't expecting from Jason.

Raya is a good dating app.

Oh, change the subject.

Well, I thought we were talking about dating apps.

No, we were talking about how you're trying to suck my dick. You know what it is about dating apps?

Um, it's, it's full of desperate people like me.

Close. They all— all the good dates end up on a good pair of sheets.

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I'm sleeping.

I have a new saying that Brooklinen should use. What is—

oh, you're good at slogans. David's the king of merch.

Brooklinen, holy sheet, these are amazing. All right, Jason, other than dating apps, what's the situation with off-dating app things? How was it back then, back in the day? How did you get your first kiss?

Well, this gets back to my whole thing that dating apps are for pussies, me included. It's just like, it's just not a good way to meet people. It's just so much better to like be in contact or like go to a bar.

I don't think that answers my question at all.

I am gay. What?

No, I'm wondering how did you— how was your first kiss like? Where did you meet this girl? My first kiss?

When I was 15.

Is that when you had your first kiss?

Oh yeah, I don't know. Yeah, probably had my first kiss when I was like 15 or so.

What was her name? Sorry, what was his name? Pillow. Pillow. Who? Pillow Brook— pillowbrooklinen.com.

Beach towel wrapped in sweatshirt. What was your—

what was your first kiss like?

Uh, I don't remember. I, I trying to remember. Um, I don't remember. I have no idea.

You haven't had your first kiss? Not yet.

I haven't had it yet. How about you? What was your first kiss like?

My first kiss, I think I got it a little later. I think I was like 17.

Did that bother you at all? Not that it's a big deal, but did you carry it around?

Not that you're a pussy or anything, but did it bother you that you were a—

Well, I know if I waited until I was 17 to have my first kiss, it would have bothered me.

My first kiss was when I was 16 or 17. Okay, I thought it was 17. I was also protected by this amazing thing in high school where people thought I was gay. Really? Yes, because— Is that why you fucking say I'm gay all the time?

Because that's why. That's why. That explains it. That explains why you always point the gay finger at me, because your entire childhood people thought you were gay and you're fucking trying to get back at someone.

No, no, I think you're gay because you jack off to me.

You are the worst.

You know what?

I see right through you. Everybody, all the listeners at home, everything that David does, all the shit that he does for Steve—

All stems from my childhood.

It's all from his childhood. All the shit that he asks you to do for the vlog, he would never fucking do. 'Cause he's the biggest pussy out of all of us because he was the one that got fucking picked on for being gay. So that's why he comes out and he points the finger at me.

Let's be very straight up here.

Let's be straight up.

I never said I got picked on for being gay. I said people just thought I was gay and I was totally okay with that.

Well, 'cause you lived in a time when it was okay to be gay. I didn't. Fucking used to have to hide that shit.

Jason's like, you know how hard it was for me to come out?

My sister's gay. My sister was gay.

I know you are.

She had to fucking hide it. I know you're— it was awful.

No, but I was— I— people, people thought I was gay because I had two good-looking— like, my, my two girlfriends that were my best friends were, were very good-looking, and I would never hook up with them. And people were like, what the hell is your problem, dude? You're straight up gay. Like, you're gay. Like, it was, it was just that constantly.

So your two best friends were girls? Yeah. What about Ilya and all everybody else?

Well, yeah, but I had, I had the girlfriends longer, and they were like— and every guy had a huge crush on them, and I would never, I would never hook up with them. So, oh yeah, that's interesting. So people, people just thought—

so why don't you talk to them anymore? I, I am. Oh, you do? What do you mean? Yeah, it's one of them.

Natalie. One of them's Natalie. Yeah. And she's coming to, um, she's gonna be my assistant.

Yeah, you're getting an assistant.

I know, that's awesome. But let me get back. Let me get back to my—

get back to you being gay.

Yeah. Um, no, I was always— no one ever— I didn't really get a lot of shit for not getting my first kiss because 17 is pretty late to get your first kiss. Yeah. In like a high school type of way. Like, you know, that's when you get picked on. Yeah. Like, I don't have a problem with it if you don't have your first kiss till you're 21 or 27, who cares? But yes, like, in high school, people were having sex when they were like 14. Like, it was like that. Yeah. So yeah, I was late, but I never got shit for it, 'cause everyone was just like, oh yeah, he's probably gay. Or they just didn't care. Like, I was never like, I was, you know—

But even if you were gay, why weren't you having a gay kiss?

Because gay wasn't like that back then. We had like 2 gay kids in our school 3 years ago.

What are you talking about, dude?

It's, it's 4 years ago. No, it's, it's, it's changed a lot. Like, being gay is like— since 2013, I feel like every other person I meet now is gay. Yeah, like, in our high school there was only like 1 or 2 gay kids. This is interesting.

So you think things have changed that much for gay people in the last 4 years? Fuck yeah.

You think so? Yes.

Huh. That's interesting.

Like, think about it. Even I was looking at my videos and like, if there was a guy-on-guy kiss, like Heath or Zane would kiss in my videos, I'd make that the thumbnail, which is like the screenshot, the picture that everyone sees before clicking on the video. And people would click on it because it was just so weird. It was like a guy and guy kissing. And now it's like, I put it in, I put two guys making out and like, people don't care anymore. Right. Because it's just so normal. Right. It's just like— That's true. It's so cool. Like in high school, We— I'm telling you, we only had— we had, um, we had literally one or two gay kids that I knew of. I don't know, I don't know who, but like, I'm assuming there are a lot more gay kids, but they just weren't out because it just wasn't like the cool thing to do yet. But like, now you have boyfriends? No, no, they didn't have boyfriends.

Did the gay kids like think you were full of shit and you weren't out of the closet?

No, no, I would— I was— I mean, I was exaggerating a little bit when I saw I was gay. It was just— it was just my close friends were like, oh yeah, he's probably gay, like, like I am to you, right?

You know what I mean? Right, right, right.

Um, no, no, no, but But now there's like a ton of gay people in my school because it's just such a normal thing now. And that's— dude, that's insane. I really think it's come pretty far away in 3 years, which is awesome. Yeah, that is good.

I'm happy to hear that.

I share a podcast with a gay guy and I don't care. I kind of love it. He has beautiful eyes. He has warm hands.

I get out all of my frustrations from high school and I take them out on him and transfer the pain that I once had.

I was never— the one thing I would never be offended by is if someone called me gay, because it was just like, okay, like I never— I wasn't— I was never offended by it. It was weird. It was when people called me Justin Bieber, that's what fucking ticked me off, man. I love that story. That shit pissed me off. But it never got to me when people call me gay because it was— to me it was like calling someone straight. It was like, okay, I'm gay, so I don't know, which wasn't a big deal.

Can we get that guy on the show that tried to beat you up?

No, please. Beaver. You mean Igor? Please, I don't want Igor back on the show. No, but yeah, my first kiss was when I was 17. It was kind of late.

Who was it?

Um, it was a girl. It was a girl.

It was a girl.

It was a girl.

And where were you?

Where was I? I was at, um, I was at my park, neighborhood park.

Park? Yeah, like sitting on a rock.

It was like planned. It wasn't, it wasn't anything, it wasn't anything beautiful. And it was like one of those, like, I told her that I've, like, had sex before, you know, it was like one of those. And then, like, the first time she kisses me, she just knows that I've never touched a girl in my life. Like, it was, it was like the cliché. Like, I kissed her and she's like, you haven't kissed anyone ever. And I'm like, yep, you got me. No, but it was, it was, it was pretty awful. It was freezing. It was very sloppy and messy.

So you're like, let's meet here.

I was like, let's go to school or tell me how it went. I was like, yeah, let's meet. I messaged her a bunch and I'm like, yeah, let's do it.

Let's message her on what?

I don't know. I think it was either emails or Facebook.

Oh, you weren't seeing this person?

No.

Okay. So you're like, hey, hey, hey, you wanted me to the point?

No, I didn't have a girlfriend till I moved out here.

Okay. So you got to back up. This is too interesting. So you go to school. Yeah. You see this girl.

She didn't go to my school.

She didn't go to your school. Where did you see her? At Liquid Fusion?

I couldn't hook up with people from my school because I was just too good of friends with people. And it was weird. It was weird. Like, I couldn't do that.

You still don't want to betray anyone?

I don't know if it was weird. And I also, I also, just because of who I was in my school, I probably couldn't have hooked up with anyone in my, in my class. Do you know what I mean? Like, I was like, I was like just that kid that's that kid that you just don't hook up with. Like, not in like a bad way. I'm not like trying to talk—

Explain more. I don't understand. Like, I just, I just had— You had a lot of friends.

I had a lot of friends amongst different types of people amongst, amongst all the groups, all the groups. But that's what I was. I was like, I was a friend to everybody.

So, and don't you think that people would want you to hook up with someone too? Like, why would that be weird?

I don't know, because it was— that was never my personality. Like, it was never like, like he was trying, like, you know what I mean? Like, I was always just like, I didn't take anything seriously and I bullshitted my way through high school. Like, I was just like, that, that wasn't on my agenda. What was on my agenda is like just dominating high school, like without like the whole sex drive behind it. Do you know what I mean?

It's so interesting.

It was like Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

He had a girlfriend.

I know, but it was like his whole intention with like fucking the high school system, like that was more of my— even though I wasn't like a rebel or anything, but like that was like more of my agenda. Didn't she get like—

did she ever get horny or anything?

I mean, of course.

You never wanted to have a girlfriend? You never wanted to be with anybody? Like when all your other friends like took people to prom and stuff?

Dude, I hated dances. I absolutely hated it. The only dance I got asked to was turnabout, was where the girl asked the boy. And I went to the dance and— Went and filmed with Dom. No, I was sitting outside in the cafeteria while everyone was dancing. And two of my friends came out and they're like, dude, aren't you pissed that Mark's dancing with your girl? And I'm literally like, I don't care. I don't want to be here. I hate events like that.

Why don't you like dances?

Because I just don't like it.

You don't like to dance? I don't like to dance.

I don't like to dance. Listen, the only thing I like about parties is coming and leaving. I have this weird thing for showing up at a party for 10 minutes and leaving. Yeah, it's like this weird— like, you've seen it. Yeah, when I go to like a USC party, yeah, I love walking in and walking out. It's just this weird thing.

The other night we fought for weeks to get into that fucking frat house, and then we finally got in. We even spent a good hour outside.

We go to USC a lot, like, to film. And the toughest part about these frat— fraternities is they don't let us in because they don't give a fuck about us, which is completely normal.

And they love nothing more than turning dudes down. Oh yeah, yeah. They just fucking love it. So David's basically—

That's my favorite part is like—

And David loves being turned down. So it's this weird social experiment that we've gone through a lot in the last few months.

Like we'll go to USC for a day and we'll go to like 10 different frats and they'll all say no. And then we go to one frat and they let us in, but we only spend like 3, 5, 7 minutes at the party because like the whole fun of it is communicating with these frat guys.

Or they throw us out right away when they see how old I am. Yes. And I start talking to a girl. Yeah, they don't like that either.

Yeah, that would scare me too.

But then the other night we got into the frat finally. We'd been trying for weeks. Yeah. And you fucking walked in and out and the party, bro. I know I'm over 40, but I'm gonna say was pretty lit.

You texted me earlier for an idea about the podcast. What was it, before I forget?

Two words. What were they? Three words. Okay. Denver and double handy.

You got a double handjob in Denver?

No, I didn't get a double handy.

You did not give one. Fuck you. Huh? You gave a double handjob.

No. Oh, I got offered to come to Denver for a double handy. Oh, that's not that crazy. Yeah, but I thought what was funny about it was that— so she's texting me, hey, how would you like a double handy? And so I was like, wait, what's a double handy?

Exactly, exactly.

So she said, how would you like a double handy? And this attractive girl, and I was like, oh, that sounds great, you know.

Jason interacting with his fans.

Uh, and then I said, uh, and then I went and looked up what a double handy is. Yeah, a double handy is two guys and one girl. So then I wrote back, oh, with who would be the other handy?

You're like, you're like going all over there confident, I'm getting a double handy, fuck you guys. Yeah, it's just another big dude. Just sitting right by you. What's up, man? Where'd you fly in from? I'm from St.

Paul. Did you get this message about a double handy? I guess we're paired up tonight. We're gonna be partners.

All right, so you asked her, you're like, who's the other double handy?

No, I didn't ask her, but, um, I, I just thought that was strange.

Why didn't you ask her?

Because I don't correspond on Instagram in case somebody like you know, we'll like take the DM and like tweet it.

Oh yeah, in case someone takes screenshots of you and exposes you while you're telling the entire story on your, on your podcast. Yeah, I would hate for someone to find out about your double handy.

I didn't write back like, hey, um, who's gonna the double handy gonna be with? I mean, I could.

I mean, you might as well find out. She's probably using you to get to one of your sexier roommates, which is Todd.

That's what I'm thinking. That's all I thought was she wanted me to bring Todd to Denver. Yeah, well, anyway, she'll be here in January. We shall return to the double handy story then. What do you like better? Okay, Thanksgiving or Christmas?

Christmas. Well, you're an idiot. Look at this, this is a stupid conversation.

Why? I always knew you were an idiot. Now I know for sure. That was the test.

Because Christmas is—

this podcast is over. Dropping the mic. I just dropped the mic.

How does that make me stupid?

On the ground, talking into the mic.

How does that make me an idiot?

You're an idiot, and you've always been stupid because I don't like rocks.

Because I don't like Thanksgiving?

No, because you like Christmas better than Thanksgiving, you dumb fuck. So stupid.

How do you like— how— why do you like Thanksgiving more?

Because It's fucking shorter. It's like less shit. What? Gifts are so stupid and the lights are so stupid.

Jesus Christ. I like the lights. You sound like the fucking Grinch.

Thanksgiving is way better than Christmas, and I'll fucking take that to my grave.

Good. Yeah, if I can hold on to it for the next 2 days, then what do you think, huh?

What do you think, stupid?

I think that Christmas is better because it's, it's a lot bigger bonding time. Everybody celebrates it. And if they don't, even if you shut the fucking.

Even the door, Nobody even. Not everybody celebrates Christmas, you dumb.

Even the Jewish people.

Let me finish.

You feel the brain? Let me finish. There's winter break.

Hey, guys, go outside, look on the middle of the road and see if a steamroller rolled over David's brain because there's none in here.

Listen, even the Jewish kids in my school would celebrate Thanksgiving.

Would celebrate Christmas?

No, they don't. Yes, they do.

No, they don't. Everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. I don't.

I'm not American.

What? Yeah. Oh, no wonder you don't like Thanksgiving. You're a fucking illegal immigrant, you asshole. Are you serious? You guys didn't do Thanksgiving?

No. Oh, that's so funny.

I didn't know that.

I thought that's why you asked me, because you knew my answer.

Now I feel bad. Okay, think about it. You gotta buy all the gifts for people. It's all commercialized. And then you like, it's great. Like Christmas is nice. Cause like, you know, I get it. Like you're off work. I love the time. And what happens the minute you're sitting down, your mother or your wife or your dad or somebody comes in and they're like, oh, Craig's coming. No, my mom will do. She'll like, we'll have this nice meal plan.

You're talking about, you're talking about why you hate Christmas. And you're like, you know what I hate about Christmas? I hate when you're just sitting there enjoying your time. And your dumb wife walks in and says she wants a divorce. That's what sucks about Christmas. That would never happen during Thanksgiving, and she ruined it for my entire family.

That's why I hate Christmas.

It's all because of your personal problems.

This bitch thinks that she can fucking control the temperature when we're having guests over. Well, guess fucking what? If I want it at 65 degrees, I'll have it at 65 degrees, David. Scott comes in.

I see why you got a divorce. All right, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Make sure you guys like and subscribe, tweet us. His name is Jason Nash, my name is David Dobrik. There's gonna be a live show that you can go see on Thursday. Um, I don't know if it's on Thursday, I completely made that up.

October 21st, it's a Saturday.

It's a Saturday, Cubs CS. We're gonna be performing there, it's gonna be amazing. We're putting on the most spectacular show San Francisco has ever seen.

We're gonna fly up in the in the morning. I gotta get the tickets.

Jay-Z is opening up for us.

Rihanna is going to be making finger cookies for everyone in the audience, everyone in the audience, if you get there early.

And then Justin Bieber— guys, get this, this is my favorite part about it— Justin Bieber is going to be making toaster strudels. Toaster strudels. Um, so make sure you guys come to this podcast. It's probably— I'll be honest with you guys, it's probably gonna fucking suck. But, um, just come.

It's not gonna suck. The last show was hot.

Yeah, it was hot. Our last show was a disaster.

It was not a disaster.

It wasn't the best show on earth, dude. You got to stop being so nice to yourself, dude. You got to find— you got to look at yourself and you gotta— you gotta figure out that there's some problems.

Let's see, who's got 20 years performing on stage stand-up comedy?

Who? You're right.

Which one?

You're right, Jason, because it got you so far. Oh, we're sitting in the same same fucking room.

Oh, really?

Yes. Oh, I see.

Yeah. Okay, so I don't know what a good stage performance is. Is that what you're saying? I don't—

I'm not saying that at all, Jason. I'm just saying—

okay, this isn't standing up in the back of the school bus and fucking throwing some poop or fucking throwing—

I never threw poop. Oh, there's rumors.

There's some rumors.

You're a real fuck lately, Jason. Well, ever since you got that divorce, you've been a real jerk.

Yeah, I'm fucking killing it. I'm slaying Scientology. Anywhere, everywhere I go.

Thank you guys for joining us. My name is Jeff. That's Jason.

What? Your name's what? Jeff. Oh, what? Oh, your name's Jeff.

All right, all right, bye