Giving My Nanny a $20,000 Christmas Bonus

Now through December 25th, the 23andMe DNA kits are on sale. 23andMe helps you understand what your DNA can tell you about you and your family story. It's named for the 23 pairs of chromosomes that make up for our DNA. How much are we getting for this, for this ad right in the beginning of the show, Jason?

This is $85.

Great. So that's $83 to me and $2 to you.

Yes.

Let me keep reading.

Correct. I have just bought myself a Frozen Snickers.

Nice. 23andMe health and ancestry service includes 90+ personalized genetic reports that offers DNA insights on what makes you unique. It's easy to do. You simply spit into the tube provided in your 23andMe kit, register your sample to your personal 23andMe account, and in a few weeks— what?

The Snickers is— it's hard.

Don't interrupt this or they're going to take back your fucking Snickers and they're going to take back my $83. It's easy to do. You simply spit into your tube provided in your 23andMe kit, register your sample to your personal 23andMe account, and in a few weeks receive your personalized online reports. Guys, it's amazing. Basically, it tells you more stuff about you than you know. Yeah, it's like, I mean, like, it'll tell Jason about, about how he doesn't know how to read. And this, these are things that Jason hasn't realized himself yet, but it's, it's, it's amazing.

I'm being serious when I say it could be like, oh, you know what, my dad, um, I didn't know he was Italian.

Yeah, maybe your dad doesn't know he's Italian, and then you tell your dad and then he beats you.

Well, I don't know about that. I don't know if that's involved with it.

Oh yeah. Okay. That was just me.

Who you calling Italian?

You dumb fuck. Now through December 25th, get 30% off any 23andMe kit.

30% off?

Yeah. Order your DNA kit on 23andMe.com/views.

This is a fun thing to do while you're on break.

Yeah.

You know, like over the holidays.

Nothing like spitting into a tube and finding more about yourself. That's the number 2-3-A-N-D-M-E. 23andme.com/views. Again, that's 23andme.com/views. What's up guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast brought to you by Spotify. And this is our second ad. That's 2 ads within 5 minutes of the podcast.

I didn't even feel it. Painless. Those ads were painless. We were so charming during them so far. I don't even— I count them as 0. I don't know what you're counting to.

I'm scared that we're not going to get paid because that's how amazing we read those. The ad companies are going to— are going to hear those ads and they're going to be like, I don't know. All we heard was a fluent conversation.

All we heard was pure entertainment and laughter and two great friends just kicking back.

Yeah. So I don't know if we could pay you for those ads.

It's 23andMe. They're on the phone.

Oh yeah. What do they say?

Hi, Mr. Me. What's going on? We read it. Yeah, that was it. Oh, you were tickled the entire time, so you didn't notice. No worries, Mr. Me.

All right, let's roll the intro music. All right, guys, what's up? Welcome back to the Views Podcast. Tons of fun we have here. Joe— sorry, excuse me, Jason is my co-host.

Oh, I guess Joe's moving up in the world.

I don't know why I said that.

Fantastic. I'm Jason Nash, guys. I'm 45 years old. I am divorced, but I have a girlfriend, so back off.

I'm David. I'm currently single and I am 22 years old. I've actually never said that. I don't think I've ever said that sentence.

Yeah, you never say that.

I'm currently single. Go. I feel like I went dating app. Uh, no, I'm 20. Did I say I'm 23?

Holy shit. You said 22.

I'm 22. I'm 22 years old.

What's that like being 22?

It's insane.

What do you think every day? Do you wake up and go, damn, I feel good?

I'm— you know what I have been having a problem with? Is this like a normal thing? I haven't woken up in the past maybe year where I'm relaxed. Is that normal? No, no, that's bad. Like, I don't— I, I, I— every time I wake up, I feel like there's like something's clawing at me. Like, I'm not waking up and being like, I love my bed. I'm waking up and I'm like, I'm so uncomfortable here.

Yeah, that's your job.

Oh, it is?

Yeah, I think it's your job, Wade, aren't you right?

I don't know.

It's got to be.

Well, because sometimes I get like sweaty during sleep and I wake up and like, oh, this is gross. Like, I'm sweaty. Yeah. Yeah.

Before you had the job you have now, were you more relaxed? Did you wake up relaxed?

Well, of course. But like, that was also a couple of years ago, so I don't know if it's just time. When you get older, you don't like bets.

No, no, dog, that's probably not it. You, you, you got to take a break.

Yeah, well, yesterday—

oh, look at him blow by it. Wow. I give you sage advice, solid advice. You never fucking— you know how many people call me every day? You know how many people call me in your life to try to talk some sense into you? And you know what I say? I go, good fucking luck. He's not going to listen to me or you. I— different people call me, they go, hey, do you think David would, uh, maybe— I go, nope, he's not. He won't want to. Won't Maybe we could— no, we can't talk to him. That's it.

Okay, what was the last call you got?

I got a call about— I mean, it was from our manager, and it was probably something like, you know, David's gotta, uh, you know what we know was for the live show. So for the live show, we've got to sit David down on Monday and go through it. We'll have a 4-hour meeting. And I was just like, I said, Jack, don't waste your time or mine.

Yeah.

And that was it.

Yeah. No, I know.

So I'm giving you advice. No, I always take a break.

I was using the— I was using the advice to transition into our next segment called Jason and I filmed a vlog yesterday and we told— we tell you about it. That's the segment. Anyway, what happened yesterday?

I love this segment.

I just took a long-ass nap, by the way.

How do you feel?

Pretty, pretty, pretty poopy because I went to bed at 5. I went to bed at 5 in the morning and then at And then at 9, I had to wake up because I had to— I did an interview with ET today, which is a lot of fun.

How was that?

They asked who my best friends are.

Again?

Again.

Jesus, do these people have brains? Can't they come up with something original?

Well, he's like, I want you to redeem yourself. Who are your best friends? Because previously I was asked who my best friends are and my other friends got mad at me that I didn't list them. This time I looked him straight in the face and I said, go fuck yourself. No, I'm kidding. I said, I said, I'm not answering that question. So I skipped that question because people were mad about it.

Yeah, David came in on one of the podcasts and was like, so, uh, someone asked me in the Wired interview who my best friends were, and unfortunately I didn't say you, Jason. Like I was supposed to care at all.

You sound like a character.

That's what you sound like.

Oh, I'm entertaining. Oh, I'm fine. Um, no, yes, okay, I don't care. So anyway, yeah, that interview happened in the morning and then I got here and then I just knocked out. Natalie brought me Chipotle. It woke me up for like maybe 12 seconds. I had 4 bites and I went back to bed because I couldn't hold my head up.

Yeah. If I'm tired and I eat, watch out.

Yeah, watch out. Exactly. And the one— you were at my house because you were here to record the podcast before I knocked out.

I got an audio message around 11:30. Yo, coming back from my Hollywood interview. Natalie, grab me Chipotle. Let's record at 12. It was like full force Dave. I was like, oh, Dave's up.

Yeah.

No, I mean, I came at 12.

I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. And then I. Yeah. And then I got here and I remember I didn't really see you, but I heard your voice. And the only thing I remember hearing is you were taking a picture or something. Joe was taking a picture of you. And I hear Natalie go, it's funny to see Jason try to be happy. And that was the last thing I heard before I knocked out. It's funny to see Jason try to be happy.

It's great when you're asleep too.

How is that?

I actually didn't want to wake you because I was enjoying just being here.

I was wondering that.

Well, why didn't you just get up?

Because I was like, I want them to wake me.

Why? Why would we do that?

I didn't want you to, but I was like surprised. Like, it's like, you know, like it's like when your parents are supposed to wake you up for something and you're just sleeping and you're like, you kind of wake up and you're like, why haven't they woken me up yet? Like, that's what I felt like. And I was like, and I slept for like an hour and a half and I was like, Whoa, why aren't they— why aren't they— whatever, I'm going to sleep more. And then I went back to bed and then I saw Joe. Joe was right around me. I'm like, fuck, this is it. He's here to wake me up. I got to do the podcast. And then he's like, hey, we're just working in there. You could sleep as long as you want. And I'm like, what? Okay. So I slept for another hour and a half and now I'm here. It's 3:00. But yeah, I mean, you know what it is. It was definitely a wild time. You know what people really enjoy though, that they keep telling me, our ads. And today's show is also sponsored by Talkspace, the online therapy company.

Stop telling a personal story about yourself and Read an ad.

Yeah, sorry. The online therapy company that lets you message a licensed therapist from anywhere at any time. All you need is a computer with internet connection or the Talkspace mobile app. That means you can improve your mental health even if you've had trouble making time for it in the past. Can't imagine fitting anything else into your life? Well, with Talkspace, therapy is as easy as sending your therapist a message. Get something off your chest whenever you need to. Talk about everyday challenges at work or at home. Have you tried this?

Yes, I have tried Talkspace.

How was that?

It's fantastic. They hook you up with an online therapist.

And what was your therapist's name?

Uh, her name was, uh, Christina.

That's my mom.

Yeah, David, she's working at Talkspace now. She didn't want to— she didn't know how to tell you. She's been working at Talkspace a lot, and her and I have been working together on therapy and therapy things.

What does that mean?

It means we're going to be spending a lot more time together.

The three of us.

No, you need to move out.

The Talkspace platform has over 2,000 licensed therapists, including my mother, who are experienced in addressing life challenges we all face. To match with the perfect therapist for a fraction of the price of traditional therapy, go to talkspace.com/views and use the code views to get $40 off your first month and show your support for this show. That's views and talkspace.com/views. All right, I'm gonna give the ads a little bit of a breakdown. I wanna tell you yesterday Yesterday Jason had the idea to surprise his nanny with $5,000.

Yeah.

And it was like, uh, I texted him in the morning. I'm like, what are we doing today? And he's like, I may want to surprise my nanny with $5,000. So I'm like, okay, come over. He came over, we got in the car, we started talking about it, and I'm like, $5,000 isn't that much. Like, it's not, it's not that crazy.

Um, what?

Because it's just like, like, I was trying to explain to him, like, $5,000 is a lot.

Explain that to me. Explain to me how $5,000 is not a lot, because I don't understand.

It's not that it's not a lot. It's a lot. But going from $5,000 to $10,000 is such a big jump.

Not if no one knows you ever started at $5,000.

True. But I would have told her.

I would have been like, hey, Jason cheaped out.

Jason cheaped out. We almost gave you $10,000. No, but anyway, so then I convinced you to do $10,000, which I was very psyched about. And then we were all sitting in the car and I said, let's go to Vegas. And gamble it on, on one color at the roulette table.

Yeah.

Roulette is where they throw a ball, and if it lands on the color you chose, you double your money. And if it doesn't land on the color you chose, you lose all your money.

And there's only 3 colors.

And there's only, there's only 2 colors. And then the one, there's one green, right? And, and we were sitting in a red car, a red interior. And Josh goes, I wonder what car, I wonder what color we should bet it on.. And then we obviously decided to choose the color red. Yeah. So we went down, we drove to Commerce, which was like the 101. We went on the 101 to a casino that was like an hour away. And halfway there, Natalie called and she found out that you can't place a bet that high of $10,000. No. So we had to turn around and then we had to go to Vegas. So we booked a flight to Vegas. Southwest Airlines.

Southwest Airlines was going to get us a Cessna.

Yeah, he's going to get us a private plane.

But that sounded like a bad idea. But the guy couldn't land.

Yeah. Jonah's like, I have this buddy who could, who owns a private plane. The only thing is, I don't know if he knows how to land.

And I don't know if he can land, if he's allowed to land.

I think he has like his own private plane, like in his backyard, this Jonah's friend. And he may not actually be allowed to land at an airport. Which sounds crazy.

Yesterday was crazy. It was so much fun.

Did you hear Josh asked him on the phone? He's like, do you have your pilot license? Yeah. And he goes, I'm 71%. I'm 71% there. The fuck does that mean? I'm 71% there. I'm missing the only part I'm missing is actually flying the plane. Yeah. So we got to Vegas.

What time do we get on the flight? I don't remember.

5. Oh, yeah. It was like, yeah, 5:05. And then we landed at like 6:15, 6:20. And we went straight to a hotel. Yeah, we went straight to the Mirage. We didn't have any time because we had to get back on the flight at 8:30. So we had to turn around quick. And then we got there and we saw an open table.

Yeah.

And, and we were fucking nervous. I mean, we were all really terrified. Yeah. This is $10,000 on the line and it's like all you get is one, one spin. So we were talking, we're like, should we bet $5,000 first? And then bet $5,000, and we went through this whole dispute, remember?

Right, because the thing that we were— David's— one way we were thinking was if we bet $5,000 and we lost, then we'd have another shot.

Yeah.

So we'd still have $5,000 left to try to win it back.

Yeah, but then we all decided we came here with the idea of one spin, so let's just keep it on one spin. Yeah. And then we went to, um—

Well, I was worried about, um— oh, never mind, I'm not going to say that.

Keep going. Yeah, and then, okay, so then we got to the table. The table was open, there was no one there. We almost sat down, but then we were like, let's walk around a little bit. Let's get more shots of the casino maybe. So we took a lap around this casino, and as we're taking a lap around the casino, Jason got a text from Liza, my ex-girlfriend, who happens to be— Liza, my ex-girlfriend. And she never texts Jason. No. And what was the text?

The text was really funny. It was like a little video message, and it came out like a tiny bubble. Message that you couldn't even really see because I guess it didn't go all the way through. So I was like squinting my eyes trying to see it, but I could hear it. And it's like, hey, it was really nice. Hey, it's Liza. I hope you and Trisha are doing well. I hope you guys are really good.

Yeah, it was just, it was just like a friendly message. It wasn't even like she needed something. It was like she was literally just checking in. And, and Jason's like, that's weird. She never texts me. This must be good luck. Yeah.

And then we walk around for like 2 more minutes, and then I send her a message back. I'm like, I'm like, Liza, we're in Vegas. We're about to do something crazy. I'm so glad you called because I know you're lucky.

As if we're about to rob Nobody fucking moved. Liza just texted us, it's okay. And then what happened? And then explain this portion.

And then I see two tables. I see one table with a bunch of guys in cowboy hats and they're being—

yeah, let me fill you in. Liza's Indian. That's her background. She's Indian.

I see a bunch of guys in cowboy hats and they're being super loud and like high-fiving. And then I see this quiet table with like three Indian dudes and nobody else.

And the actual woman serving, or that's running the game, was Indian herself.

Yes, yes. So I said to David, I just go, those people are Indian, that table is full of Indian gentlemen, and Liza's Indian. Let's go to that table. And then David, like, really weird, he never agrees with me, he just goes, yes, yes, let's do it, like that. And I was like, okay, great.

Yeah, and it was crazy because all— it was like the universe was on our side because when we landed in Vegas Heath is a huge country fan. The first song we heard on the radio was country music.

It was Baby Lock Them Doors and that song.

It was country music. And we got to the casino and it was a country festival. So everybody was wearing like cowboy hats and he was like, what's going on? Why is everybody wearing cowboy hats? Yeah. And there were tons of little signs and we were also betting on the color red. And then this guy came over to the table and when we put our bet down, he started chanting, Big Red, Big Red and Big Red. Was the name of Heath's car that happened to be red, was stolen, and his insurance company gave him $10,000 for it.

Oh my God, that's crazy.

Nuts. So we had all these signs that were like, okay, this is it. This is, this is the spin that's going to do it. And then like 20 people came over to the table to watch.

And I told everybody at the table, I was like, this is for my nanny Susie. Yeah. And they're like, so you're going to keep $10,000 and give her $10,000? And I'm like, no, we're going to give her the whole $20,000. Yeah. And everyone's like, oh my God. Like everybody got behind it. There was, there was a ton of people watching us.

Everybody was so pumped.

And then also because I bet on red, everyone else bet on red, so the whole table was on red. Yeah, yeah, it was great.

So everyone was out in red, and then, and then I was like fucking shaking. And then, then she spins it, and it seemed like it was like a 4-minute spin when really it was like probably 15 seconds. And then it lands on red, and there's like a moment of everyone just being completely still and like silent and just like making sure it's red. Like, you see it on red, but you're like, is it really on fucking red. Like, I was telling Jason, like, I forgot what the color red looked like. Like, I saw the ball in this hole and I was like, is that the color red? Is that what it is? And then we all just fucking lost it. Everyone at the table was so excited. And it was like, Jason started crying. Jonah started screaming. Jonah, at a casino, started screaming, fuck yeah!

Fuck yeah!

You're not even allowed to swear at casinos. It's like this weird rule. So it was, yeah, it was really intense.

It was really fun. It was awesome. I sat down next to a guy too, and one of the Indian guys, and I go, I go, hi, I'm Jason, like that. And he goes, me too, like that.

Yeah.

And I don't know if his name was also Jason or if his name was Me Too. Yeah, I'm not sure.

Yeah, that's funny. I thought his name was Jason. I thought his name was Jason. And I was like, I was like, oh my God. What are the chances his name is fucking Jason? I'm not sure, but I think his name was actually Me Too.

I think so too. I looked it up. It is an Indian name.

It means strength. It means the color red.

It means Jason's nanny is buying a backyard.

He looks at you and he goes, my name's Me Too, and winks. It means the color red in India. And then he goes, just gives you the strength.

Now we got to go back on the plane.

That was a lot of fun. That was a lot of fun. Get home.

Yeah.

And then we got back on the plane.

We gave her the money. Yeah.

Yeah. We got stopped by TSA. People were wondering. We did get stopped by TSA. We had to declare the money and say where it's coming from. We said gambling. It was super easy.

Maybe the guy said that he saw a million— guy come back with a million dollars.

Yeah. The TSA guy said the most he saw someone come back with was a million dollars in cash. Absolutely insane. Could you imagine leaving Vegas with a million dollars in cash? Wow. I was thinking, especially if you don't live in LA. And you live in like a suburb town in like Minnesota where $1 million can get you a fortune. Yeah. Brand new car, brand new house, all tax-free. It's amazing. That's insane.

I saw you double dip last night. You had a little Wendy's and then you had a little Bossa Nova after that.

Why are you bringing this up?

I know. I just— it seemed like something that was bothering you last night.

It was bothering me last night, so there's no point to bring it up today and bring my mood down now.

Well, you brought me into it though, because you were like, Jason, At like 2 in the morning last night, you started yelling at me.

Yeah, we were at the airport. I ordered Wendy's and they didn't have a dollar menu.

So by the way, why don't you have a credit card anymore?

I don't know. My credit card just doesn't work. I ordered Wendy's.

Weird.

Yes.

I wonder why that is.

It's so weird. Ever since I tossed it out the window and cut it up, it just doesn't work. No, but I went to Wendy's and I had to order. I had to order like the actual numbers because they weren't on the dollar menu. So I got the number 1 and number 6. Which was the spicy chicken and the Dave single. And I ate both of them and then I had chili and then I had some of Heath's Popeyes. So I had a lot of food and then we got home and I forgot that I ate and I ordered Bossa Nova with everybody else and I felt really weird.

You blame me? Yeah.

And then I yelled at Jason. I was like, Jason, you're supposed to not let me eat. And Jason's like, what? What?

What? I had headphones on.

I'm like, why am I in this? And then what did you say? You went like, oh, right. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I said, I'm so sorry, Dave. Oh, wait. All right. No, I'm not, because you're a grown man.

Something like that. Yeah, well, whatever, guys. This next segment of the podcast is something I like to call Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. Our buddy Joe edits our podcast, and in return, we give him a 25-second segment to air, and it starts in 3, 2, go.

What's up, weenies? Welcome back to Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast, and today's a special day. We're having our first annual Boys night out pillow fight, and we're starting it in 3, 2, 1, go! Oh God, call the time, David. Call it.

That's it. Call it. Joe, what the fuck, bro? You know no one could see us having a pillow fight.

It's the visual.

No, stop talking. But why don't you— why don't you plug yourself or do something more entertaining?

Joe, you need a writer.

Yeah, you need to hire someone. You have a week to think of these, bro, and you came up with a pillow fight.

I'm working for you all week.

It's hard. You guys should see my face every time he starts talking because it seems like it's going to go a good way with that intro because that intro is insane and he paid $500 for it. But then he turns it into a pillow fight. It's just fucking bullshit. I don't know. And I said last week I wasn't going to have him back, but I think we got desperate again. So he's back next week. I promise there's going to be no Joe Teeny Weeny Podcast.

This was the last one.

Yeah. I mean, I think that's the best. I think it's the best for everybody because that's a fucking mess.

It's going to be real awkward around here.

It's going to be a mess. Have you ever gone to Vegas and had a crazy time that you've never told me about?

Yeah, I've done a bunch of bad stuff in Vegas. What did you do? Hooked up with girls, done drugs.

You sound like you're lying to me.

I'm not.

Just to be cool.

I've been with a girl before. Oh, yeah? What was her name? Cheryl Wall. Carol Microphone. Oh yeah, last name Microphone, huh? Yeah, I haven't heard that last name before.

Um, no, no, tell me.

Well, one time I was there and I, um, I ran into, uh, I'm trying to think. Let's see, just, just, just bad stuff.

Do you ever do it? Have you ever done any bad drugs? I know you've done— I know you've done like one where you got like lost and I was there. But have you ever done like other drugs?

No, I've only done like cocaine. That's it. I mean, no, I haven't done any bad drugs. I've only done like heroin and bath salts.

I mean, cocaine's a bad drug. If anybody's listening, you got to realize that there's like, there's like 8th graders listening to this as well as like 25-year-olds.

Yeah, but they know not to do drugs because I'm a failure. So there you go, guys. Don't do drugs.

There is some kid listening to this with his mother right now. You go, no, I haven't done bad drugs. Just coke. Just blow. But I mean, whatever. It's to wake me up in the morning.

Bad, bad? I thought you meant like heroin and bath salts.

I mean, coke. Okay, let's not, let's not say coke's not a bad drug. They're all bad drugs.

You're right. Oh, so weed too?

Nah, nah, no.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't know how that works.

All drugs are bad. I agree. I don't do any drugs. I don't smoke weed or anything, right?

Are you— did you forget?

Yeah, back me up, Dom. Right, right. Did I forget?

Um, a human heart was left on a Southwest plane. So the next flight had to turn around. Did you hear this? No. Wow. That's actually really sad. I wonder if this is like metaphorical.

Do you keep reading the article? You just read the headlines and just kind of guess what happened.

I don't like reading the article because the font is so much smaller.

Yeah, I don't like reading it either.

The headline is so great. I wish they maybe told you a little bit more. I mean, there's a plane headed for Dallas. There's parts of a heart there, and that was left there. So the whole plane had to turn around. Was this in this podcast that we talked about that every plane carries dead bodies? No. Someone was telling me that every plane you go on has dead bodies under it.

Where'd you hear that? The fucking lunchroom? Yeah. David, I don't know if you know this.

No, Joe, was that you that told me?

Do you just tell David fake things?

No, I heard that everywhere you go, like every flight you take is like there's bodies being transported.

Oh, underneath?

Yeah, underneath. Not in luggage, in like a separate compartment just for bodies. Really? I don't know about that. That sounds crazy, right?

But like, one— so wait a minute, so why? Because people just need to be flown home, I guess? Yeah, they want to be buried. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, you know, in my, um, you know, on cruises they call them dead mikes because a lot of old people go on cruises and at least every cruise someone dies. And then they gotta— and then they'll say we got a dead mike and then they have to helicopter them out.

They don't just throw them overboard?

No, no, they don't just throw them overboard like a slab of bit of lime.

Grandpa's dad, help me push him over. Wait, no, they— oh, people die on cruises, right? I've never even thought of that.

It's all old people. Oh, wow. Bizarre.

You ever been on a cruise? No, I've worked at a retirement home and people used to drop dead all the time.

Oh, really? Yeah. So you'd come to work and that's it? Yeah.

And you wouldn't see a face.

What do you mean you wouldn't see a face?

Like, every old person would sit at a certain spot at the lunchroom because, you know, once you sit in certain places, like, you kind of just, you just start end up sitting there. And there were days where, like, someone's wife wouldn't be there.

Oh no.

It was really rough.

Have you ever, like, someone's not there and you're like, well, I guess, I guess Michael's dead, and then they show up?

Yeah, that happened all the time. Every time someone was late for dinner, my friend Mike would be like, oh yeah, George kicked the bucket this morning. Kick the bucket was the most popular term.

Hello, David, get my chair ready.

And then he'd come right around the corner. And there are some like assholes in the retirement home.

Oh, I bet. I worked in a retirement home too.

Oh, you did?

Yeah, I did. I was mostly a dishwasher.

You worked?

What do you mean? I was 16.

Oh, okay.

What do you mean I worked? Why are you looking at me like that? Like I'm lying?

Or you attended one?

No, I'll be attending one soon.

What was your job? Are you a dishwasher?

I was both.

I was a waiter. Fucking gross. I can never wash dishes, especially at a retirement home. So many people puke up their stuff. Yeah, so what? Once, once we fed my friend, because the retirement home is pretty gross, you know, it's a gross place. There's a cockroach on the ground. Yeah, and my friend stomped on it and kind of like disabled it, not really killing it. Yeah, and put it on a spoon and we covered the cockroach with chocolate syrup.

And you fed it to them?

No, not to them. Oh, to my other friend who's a waiter. He didn't know, and he had no idea. Oh God, an entire cockroach. Covered in chocolate syrup. And we went up to him and we went, Adam, bet you can't eat all the chocolate at once.

Oh yeah? Oh, you really? Well, I bet I can. I love chocolate, David.

And he was like, he's so confused. He's like, that's not a big deal at all. And we're all standing around him. So I'm like, I'm just very curious why he didn't find it suspicious. And yeah, just ate the entire thing. Oh my God. And then we told him and he was actually throwing up. He wasn't like, oh, whatever, who cares? He was disgusted. He was disgusted. Yeah. That's one of my favorite memories from the time.

I bombed at my kid's recital the other night. You bombed? Yeah. I told a real stinker of a joke. Oh, no.

Yeah. What did you say?

Well, I got called into this thing there. Like, can you come and do the raffle at the jazz band? And I was like, yeah, I should do something, you know. Sure. And then they were kind of like, you know, people know you from YouTube, so it'll be like a real thrill for everybody. And I'd be like, oh, okay.

Yeah. Oh, wow.

Okay. Yeah. So anyways, I got there, I started selling tickets or whatever, and then they, they like called me up on stage and they're like, say something, say something. And I was like, okay. And I started to say something and I like, I tried to make this joke and it just bombed because we have to— jazz kids have to go very early. So I was like, hey, what's up? I'm Jason Nash. I'm a dad here at school. I get up at 3:30 every morning to get my kid here by 3:30, 3:45. And it just didn't land. And I thought it would. Just totally bombed. And then I go, and then I go, okay, that joke bombed like that.

And then everyone was so quiet.

That got like a couple of chuckles. And then that was it. And then I, then I go sit back down and Charlie's there. And Charlie's a real fucking stickler, by the way.

Your daughter?

Yeah, my daughter who's 9. And she— I sit down next to her and I know she's going to fucking say something. And she goes, she just leans over and she goes, you're joke bombed.

Yeah, that's funny. That's really awkward. Yeah, you said, you said, hey, I need to get my— what did you say?

I said, hi, I'm Jason Nash, I'm a dad here at the school, my kid's in jazz band, I get up at 3:30 AM every morning to have him here by 3:45.

Just silence, and then somebody goes, why? No one got it. Wow, that's rough.

That was rough. But then I got back up on stage later. I was really bumming out.

And then you got back on stage and you killed it.

I didn't kill it, but I got back on stage and I did the, um, you just did a bit about strippers and hookers.

You guys ever been high on cocaine in Las Vegas. You're just a dad who can't perform at their kid's recital, so he just sticks to what he knows works and hookers and strippers jokes from the past.

I've seen that at LA dads.

A lot of them are stand-ups and they go up on stage and they talk about inappropriate stuff.

Well, they'll do their material. Yeah. You know, got to work some stuff out. But yeah, no, then I did the silent auction. Then I go— then they go like this. They go, they're giving away— the prize is a Greatest Showman package, which is this movie, like Oscar-nominated movie. But it's like really not a great gift at all. It's like a couple of CDs and like a bottle of champagne. I'm like, who the fuck wants this? Nobody wants this. But people are being nice and they're giving like a dollar, whatever. And then they're like, is there anything else we can do? Like, is there— we do like some social media stuff with you or whatever. And I was like, I was like, yeah, I guess I can do like an Instagram shout out or something if you want. And they're like, oh wow, that would be really cool. Instagram, Instagram.

So, so they're auctioning off an Instagram shout out.

Yeah. So that was the other thing. So then they're like, and Jason's, Jason's also also gonna— so after the joke bomb, they're like, oh, Jason's also gonna sweeten the deal like that. And I was like, uh, I was like, guys, if— is anybody on Instagram here? And like all the parents are like, no, no, no.

Oh my God, this is so fucking awkward.

No, no, Liza, David.

A lot of the kids are I'm like, no, I don't like Instagram. Oh, weird. They're also jazz kids, so that's a whole other breed. And so, uh, so then, uh, I go, well, if anyone's on— I'm like, in the mic— if anyone's on Instagram, I'm gonna give an Instagram shout out. Again, just silence. Like, no one's ever heard of fucking Instagram, you know? Like, I'm the alien. So I'm like, whatever. Wow. So then, then I go out and I'm selling raffle tickets, and I'm like trying to be charming about it. I'm like, who's feeling lucky? Just people ignoring me. And then they go, go down now. Everyone's in the auditorium now. They're like, go down to the auditorium and try to sell more. We need to break like $100. And I'm like, okay, okay, okay. I'm trying really hard. So I go down the auditorium. They're like, you only have 4 minutes till the show starts. Try to sell like 10 or 20. And I'm like, okay, okay. And I go down there and I walk down there. Before I can open my mouth, this crazy parent goes, he goes, you, you, 'Excuse me, excuse me, come here, I need to talk to you.' And I— this is what I said, I go, 'What's wrong? What's wrong?' Like that, like I thought I did something wrong, you know. And he goes, he goes, 'This woman in front of me took my seat. She took my seat, and I want you to call security.' And I go, I go, 'Oh, I don't know, I'm just selling raffle tickets.' He goes, 'I don't care what you're doing, call security. Call security right now.' And then I look and it's 4 women and they're obviously— they're women couples. There are 4 women that are all married, you know, 2 couples. Yes. And he's this guy, you know, and he's like, she's harassing my wife and I. And the woman goes, no, I'm not. I am not harassing him. Just let it go. Just let it go. And I go, yeah. I go, why don't we just let it go? I go, why don't we let it go? He goes, no, I'm not letting it go. I go, I go, I go, it's the holidays. Like that, like that means anything. And, uh, and I go, well, I go, I'm not calling security. And then he goes, he goes, okay, what's your name? And I go, Jason Nash. Like that. And he goes, okay, I'm gonna have security talk to you too. Like that. And I'm like, now I'm in trouble. Then the lights go down. So I didn't have any time to sell tickets. Yeah. So then the lights go down, I'm standing there with these red tickets, and I come back up and the moms, who are all very nice, are like, what happened? Like, you're just telling me? And I was like, no, I got into a thing. And they're like, okay, that's fine, don't worry about it.

Like, they were pretty chill.

Yeah. And then, yeah. And then at the end I did an auction, and then this, this other dad kind of saved me because he won this thing to the LA Philharmonic.. And then I walked up on stage and I said, I gave him the mic. I'm like, okay, and in order to win, you got to do a little opera like that as like a joke. And people like sort of laughed or whatever, or not. And so the guy goes, I don't need the mic. And he pushes the mic away from me and he belts out the most beautiful opera you've ever heard. He's like And everyone's like loving it.

Sounds like a freak show you had going on there.

It was— it's like I said this to you yesterday, you showed me something on Twitter about a school, the girl falling off the chair. Yeah, school is the funniest. Yeah, there's like— you always say that, you know, school's the best.

Everything happens in school. How do you— how would a person get tickets to that? To Jazz Band? Yeah, like to watch that. Just walk right up, or you can get tickets online at SeatGeek. Sometimes getting tickets can be far too complicated with hundreds of sites. That's why SeatGeek is the way to go. SeatGeek pulls millions of tickets into one place so you can easily find the seats you want for a price you're willing to pay. There's nothing quite like being there in person, and SeatGeek will get you closer to the action for a great value. SeatGeek is designed to make your ticket buying experience easier than ever. Josh Peck and I were thinking about different titles for SeatGeek. We have Chair Nerd. Chair Nerd sounds good, huh? It's like SeatGeek except Chair Nerd. Just to clarify, you're handicapped. What else you got?

Like slang for someone who's handicapped.

You come up with one more while I read this ad. SeatGeek is designed to make your ticket buying experience easier than ever. Make SeatGeek your go-to ticket source for everything from sports concerts to comedy and theater. SeatGeek is amazing. I use it. You know the relationship I have with SeatGeek. I absolutely love the people over there. Everyone is so sweet. They've been so nice to us. If you need to buy tickets to literally anything, use SeatGeek. Best of all, my listeners can get $10 off their first SeatGeek purchase. Just download the SeatGeek app and enter promo code VIEWS today.. That's promo code VIEWS for $10 off your first SeatGeek purchase.

It's amazing. Thank you. Enter what? Entertainment seats.

You're going to have a stroke. Don't think that hard. Oh, God, it's happening. Okay. Two nuns stole $500,000 for trips to Las Vegas, but the church doesn't want them prosecuted.

Whoa. That's interesting.

What was the church to say? Well, like I said, I don't actually read the articles. Yeah. So I'm assuming the church— Strictly clickbait. Yeah. So I'm going to say the church was just like, I'm going to pass on that.

Hey, you know, you said something a little hurtful the other day. Fuck. What did I say?

Well, you know, you take things so personally that it's just like, I really got to watch myself around you.

Well, you know, I don't mean to make a big deal out of it, but we got in your clickbait stuff in your underwear. You know, and take some photos. And I had a good time. Sure, sure. I was pretty self-conscious the whole time because my belly's—

I know it's big. Well, before you walked out with a sports bra, so I thought we were all on the same page about how funny you looked in clickbait underwear.

But go on. Oh, I thought I looked kind of good. And then in the car you go, yeah, Trisha made that post on Instagram and we sold out. She really did us a solid. Like that. Thank God Trisha did it. And I, I was in the photo too.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. That was kind of fucked to me. You helped me sell out the Clickbait merch. So isn't that crazy? My underwear line sold out. It's good quality. We've sold almost this year. The Clickbait red hoodies were very close to 25,000 hoodies sold in the last, like, 2 months. Really? The red Clickbait, 25,000. That's insane. That's ridiculous.

That is amazing.

I feel like I should go out. We're about to sell out. We're going to have to order more. Oh my God. That's insane, guys.

If you ever want to buy them here in the house, huh? Do you have Joe work?

Yeah, I make it.

Natalie makes them.

Natalie knits them. 835 tuba players set world record by playing Silent Night all at once. God damn it, Joe. He handed me this one and I didn't get a chance to read it until I read it out loud and I regret it. There's nothing to talk about for this one. 835 tuba players set world record by playing— Have you ever been part of a world record, Jason? Yeah. Longest blowjob.

Who'd you blow? Myself. I had a couple of vertebrae taken out of my back in 2000.

It's so funny, every person in the world tries to suck their own penis.

Why is that? I mean, it's, you know, it's just like out of like necessity. Like if I don't get a girlfriend, maybe I can do this.

Can I survive on my own?

Yeah, let's find out. What are you doing on your own, Dave?

You lonely? Have you sucked your own penis? I'm good on my— dude, I mean, the thing I really got to focus on now is keeping myself alive because I feel like one day you're going to walk You're gonna walk in my house one day. Yeah, and you're gonna— my room's gonna smell bad and it's gonna be because I'm dead.

I'm gonna be dead. Why don't you seriously take care of yourself? Okay, go, go. Used to run, remember when you were running?

Like, I know that long ago. Yeah, I haven't worked out in a while.

I should start doing that. It was last time you were doing that run thing. That was like the beginning of 2018, right?

Yeah, I started this run thing. I was running every day and then I missed a day. And when you miss a day, when I missed a day for anything, it's game over for me.

Really?

That's why I'm so obsessive over filming. Is because the second I miss a day, the whole ship's going to fall apart. Oh my God. Yeah. And nobody wants that. And that's when I'm going to have a breakdown, is when I miss a day of filming. So that's why I'm— but also, we do say that I work hard and I really do. And I mean that. But doesn't everybody— isn't everybody this stressed about their job? No, David, you're wrong. I don't think so.

David, you have a nice group of friends that work very hard. Believe me, I've been out in the world. Most of the world is very lazy. I think you disagree with me.

Yeah, I kind of do. I feel like any, anybody, anybody wants to own a company or run something big, they all work day in and day out.

You know what I mean?

Most people don't aspire to that. Oh, okay. Well, I'm talking about those people. I'm not talking about the people that are like, okay with having a job at a grocery store their entire lives. I'm talking about like, you know, if you want to achieve something, it's, it's day in and day out. Like there's no excuses, right? Like everybody's stressed out of their minds.

Right on, right on, dog. You're inspiring me right now.

Did you see that Kendall Jenner is the highest paid model this year? $22.5 million.

Kendall?

Kendall Jenner. Yeah. Leads world's highest paid model list. $22.5 million in earnings.

How would you—

funny. You think being a model would be tough?

I think being a model is harder than it looks.

Oh, 100%. Yeah, 100%. I mean, any job is harder than it looks.

Except this one.

This one's really easy. Well, the podcast job. Yeah, this one's a fucking walk in the park.

I'm literally on the ground.

Talking to you. I am. I'm making something out of clay right now as we're doing this. I'm making a pot for my parents for Christmas.

I'm doing Kegel exercises while we sit here.

I finished my taxes for this year and for the next 5 years.

I'm recording a Brazilian jazz album at the same time as doing this.

This shop is so easy. I let Joe, a random guy we barely even know, record a 30-second segment on it because that's how easy this is.

And you win that round. Um, oh boy, I just gave a real dad—

oh boy, guys, I have to mention that all the new podcasts of 2018 are on Spotify, including Caught, This Is Love, Unladylike, and Bodies. There's no easier way to keep up with all your favorite shows and discover new ones. Podcasts on Spotify, they're streaming right now, guys. Spotify is a really popular sponsor. And that concludes all our ads for this entire show. And that concludes our show, because there's no better way to end it than with a good old ad.

Can I say something to you? No.

Okay, fair enough.

What is it? Wonderful. I was gonna say happy holidays and good cheer.

Oh, happy holidays to you too, old man.

Thank you, I appreciate that, you old wise man. That is right, you old fuck. I— yes, I am the old fucking guy who watches over you and teaches you a lot of things. You're welcome. Very wise old man.

Yes.

Okay, smart. This is—

this is the end. We'll see you guys later. Uh, my name is Jeff.

Bye.