David Crashed His Ferrari

What's up guys, welcome to Views, the podcast where Jason— get off your phone. Jason's on his phone.

I'm doing notes, dog.

What are your notes?

Uh, just to tell you what an asshole you are. That was just all I had written down.

Let's roll the intro music. Hey guys, this is the Views podcast. I'm gonna start the story off. I'm gonna start the podcast off.

Yeah.

Something that'll get you in the right mood.

Right on.

Um, actually going to get you in the wrong mood. I was driving at a meeting this morning.

Yeah.

Um, it was like 11. It was a nice day. I was on Laurel Canyon cruising through the streets. I see a squirrel.

Oh no.

Squirrel jumps in front of the car and I go, and I have time to think and I go, please fucking move. I literally say that to myself. I go, please fucking move. And it moves. Thank the Lord. And then it hops right back under my tire.

Oh yeah. I've seen that. They're like, I'm good. I'm good. No, I'm going back.

Yeah. And I fucking killed it.

Ooh, pop.

I've killed it. I've never— I've never killed an animal before. Yeah, in my life, other than like maybe an ant.

Yeah, it's funny because you remind everyone of Jeffrey Dahmer.

Exactly, that's what I thought. And right when I killed the squirrel, I was like, oh, I'm not a serial killer because I'm really sad about it.

Oh good, good.

And no, genuine— I'm making jokes about it now, but I listened to Billy Joel on the rest of the car ride, like the saddest fucking music I could find, because I was so torn. So all I was thinking about was how like this little squirrel's been in Hollywood for so long and And who's trying to make it as an actor? Who knows? Maybe he was. Maybe he was. Maybe he was probably fucking in Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Probably.

He had to have been one of the voices.

Did background.

And I just fucking— he's been hopping around for at least 2 or 3 years. Sure. He seemed like an adult and I just fucking squished him. It's so crazy to me that I ended his life right there. It is insane. I killed— I killed a fucking living thing today.

You took him out.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, maybe we should have like a little like a ceremony tonight. Cecil the squirrel.

His name was Cecil?

Yeah.

I don't know. Have you ever killed an animal?

I mean, no.

I told you about what my grandma did, right?

Killed some ribs last night.

Well, yeah. Is that one of your notes?

No. Again, it's just you're an asshole.

I've been with my trainer for a little bit now.

Yeah. What's happening?

I cancel on him too much.

I know. I heard you ducked out after 35 minutes the other day.

I did, because—

to go—

yeah, yeah, because, uh, yeah, because Zane called me about some bit that he's like, you should really come and shoot this, it's gonna be really funny, just trust me on this, just trust me, just come. And I was like, fuck, I can't, I'm with my trainer. And my trainer's like, if you gotta go, you gotta go.

Yeah.

And I was like, okay, fuck, I gotta go. So I left, I ducked out 30 minutes into the training session. I was so pissed. But at this point, um, what was it? My trainer's too nice to me, and he lets me like call off, and I've— I literally call off every fucking day now.

You do?

Yeah. It sucks. I'm like, the only reason I pay my trainer now is so I can tell people I have a trainer and so I can shoot someone a text at 10 in the morning saying, not today. That's the— I feel like that's the only reason I have it. I feel so bad. He's getting paid. He still gets paid when I call.

Sure.

But it's just like, I feel bad for my body.

How about a commitment to it?

I'm trying to. It's just I stay out so late.

You're an asshole. Yeah, you know, it does hurt when you say it to me, actually.

See, that's how it feels.

That's how you feel?

Yeah.

I'm gonna stop.

Okay, good.

I'm gonna stop.

I went on a field trip on Saturday. Yeah, you were chaperoning jazz band, 60 kids.

How was that?

Uh, it was pretty cool. I was in charge of the extra cello. That was my job.

Oh no, you're actually— oh yeah, you were in charge.

I was in charge of this.

I thought that was so funny. Jason was like Instagram storying himself of being on this He was a chaperone on this field trip and like once in a while he'd get a kid that like recognized him and would freak out. I find that so funny.

Oh yeah. Why? Cause it's like, cause I'm 45.

Cause you're like, these kids like, like love you. Like they're freaking out. Like some kids are crying meeting you, but you're just a fucking dad who's in charge of the cello. You know what I mean? Like it's so cool how you could be like this person that someone idolizes, but you're also still like a real person.

I thought of something really interesting when I was there, because I was just killing time at Knott's Berry Farm for 4 hours. I was manning the chaperone table in case someone broke their arm. And I went to the bathroom, and the men's room has no line.

Oh great.

And the women's room is like waiting to get into Coachella. Really? Yeah, and I've, you know, obviously I've seen this a lot in life.

Yeah.

Where the women's room line—

and you know what I've noticed?

Go use the men's room.

Oh no, don't do that.

Why not? Or let's set something up where, you know, women pee faster. No, if they get— if it gets crowded, you keep men out for 5 or 10 minutes and cut that line down.

Wow, look at you. Yeah, strong feminist.

Yeah, I know. It's not in your mouth.

Pick the men out of their bathroom. The women need it more. We were at a party and, um, and Jeff and Zane came up to me Because they were talking about— Jeff was saying like, "Oh David, so many girls want you here. This is like your Oscars." Because it's like a YouTuber party. And like as he was saying that, a girl walked behind him and they overheard a conversation between two girls. And one of the girls goes, "Oh my god, there's David. Go talk to him." And another one of the girls— and the other girl responded saying, "No, he'll come up to me." Oh! And Jeff and Zane just fucking— blasted into laughter. It was so funny. I felt so bad. Um, it's always not fun to laugh at people, but that was a fun experience. That's something I didn't put in my vlog. I was gonna put it in, but I opted out. And then I was also back to my trainer. I was with him, and he's like— he is great, I gotta say, he's great. And he's like super devoted to me. And I remember when we first started training, like a month ago or like 2 months ago, he's like, you're gonna have a 6-pack by the fucking summer or I failed you. And that, that conversation has now changed. Like, I actually trained with him 3 days ago and he goes, you're gonna have a fucking six-pack by New Year's or I failed you. And I don't know, I know, I know next time I see him it's gonna be 2022 is your fucking year. Yeah, you're gonna have a six-pack. Well, it's funny how it changes.

You're, you're committed to your work right now and It sucks.

I really got— I really got to commit to that. I also hate— on the subject of working out, I also hate— you know what I hate?

Yeah, I hate—

I hate like when I get a Quest Bar.

Yeah.

And I eat the Quest Bar and it's delicious. Sure. And, and then I read on the Quest Bar and it says meal replacement.

Why?

Because I don't want it to replace a meal. I still want to have my fucking meal.

Okay, what's a Quest Bar, like 300 calories?

Yeah, I don't know, but it pisses me off. Why does it say meal? If it said snack replacement, I want it to be a snack. Yeah, I don't want it to take up this entire like This, this whole— I still want to be able to go to Chick-fil-A and get my nuggets, but when I read meal replacement, I think, oh, I just fucked myself.

It's, it's a lie. It's not a meal replacement. It's not 800 calories dinner. It's literally, you know, why don't they just say, here's a little bit to make you, to make you feel that what you're buying is totally worth it.

Oh, but you can get away with it.

So you're paying, you're paying $3.50 for a candy bar rather than $1.50, and they can, they can sell it as a meal replacement.

You remember when—

use your fucking brain, man.

You remember when fast food was cheap?

I do. You went to McDonald's the other day. How much was it? It was like $42. Yeah, that was crazy. I thought we could like go to a restaurant. Also order—

but we ordered a bunch of kids meals because I was trying to find the Iron Man toy and none of them fucking had it. And everyone in the car was being a smartass with me and saying that you could just buy the Iron Man toy, but that would be cheating.

Yeah, you were really honorable with that.

That would be privileged.

You're Happy Meal owner.

Buy this fucking Iron Man toy. Sure, I'm gonna work my way to get it. And I couldn't find it.

I heard something really funny on the bus, like overheard this on the bus. It was This kid goes, yo, the only way to be home— he goes, yo, the only way to be not homo is to have a little homo.

Hey, that's pretty true.

I fucking died.

I agree with that.

Yeah, it's funny what comes out of their mouth.

I, I understand what he's saying. I think— I do too. I think he— what he means is you have to be open. Yeah, like you have to be, you know, you have to be You have to accept all kinds. I don't know, how do I explain it? Yeah, like, I, like, I'm super, like, I'll, I'll fucking, you know, I'll touch my friend's boobs. I'll fucking cuddle with my guy friends, you know what I mean?

Yeah, like, uh, touching their boobs wouldn't be homo.

No, my, my—

oh, your friend's boobs? Like your boys? Your boys?

My boys' boobs? Oh yeah, you play with Scott? Just has such big pecs that when I touch them, I think they're boobs.

Yeah, I've seen you play with Scott.

I'm not talking about my girlfriends, but, um, But, uh, yeah, no, I, I think I could get it even though it's kind of like—

I think I get it too.

Oh man, I'll tell you, be open-minded, I think is what he's trying to say.

Yeah, I went to the, um, I went to Starbucks. I was like really bored and they're like, you can't leave the chaperone station. And so I was like, I gotta get out of here, I gotta, I gotta go. And I was like, I'm gonna get a coffee, you want it? Do you want one? I said this to the other— yeah, yeah. So I go to Starbucks, I have to go out of the park at Knott's Berry So I go into Starbucks, I get her coffee, it takes forever. There's— David, this has never happened to me. I don't know if these— if like 40 10-year-olds recognized me, or maybe one recognized me and they all went nuts. Sure, because 10-year-olds, like, really young to watch your vlogs. Yeah, I walked in and it was like fucking Justin Bieber was there. They were like, oh my God, oh my— I was like Oh my God, I'm trying not to brag, but I just want to tell you this story. So then I know I also kind of want to brag. I also kind of want to brag. And they were shitting themselves, and I was like, okay, okay. I was like, hey, what's up guys, nice to see you.

And then, you know, I'm gonna get a DM from one of these 10-year-olds at the Starbucks. Hey, so I was at that Starbucks and none of us were excited to see him. No, no, he actually asked if we could take a picture with him.

No, no, one of the moms goes Thank you so much, you made their day. I don't know who you are, but yeah, so then I get my coffee. Yeah, and I'm like walking away, and then— and it's, it's— I wanted to be nice and like volunteer for something at the school, but it's fucking not, not good for me to go to Knott's Berry Farm. It's fucking crazy. So I'm walking with coffee, I'm trying to get back in. This other kid goes, hey, can I get a picture? And I would never say no to anybody. He walks up, he knocks the mom's coffee out of my hand. And I was just like, fuck.

What did you say?

Actually, he's like, his friend's like, yo bro, you gotta pay for that. I was like, no, no, it's fine, no worries. Just fucking pain in the ass.

You have to go back?

You had to go back and get her coffee. I mean, I hate that. That's why I never ask when I'm getting something. I never ask if somebody wants something too.

I never did that. I never— our friend group is so fucking weird about that.

What?

Back home, back home, like Oh, you ordered food?

You didn't say— tell me that. You mean— yeah, yeah.

Oh my god, our friend group does that all the time. So like, back— okay, so let me explain this. Our friend group here in LA, if one person is hungry— this is actually the— our friend group in LA is probably the proper way to do it. Okay, like, they're really polite about it. If one person is hungry, they'll go, guys, I'm ordering from here, does anybody want something? Yeah, which is the nice polite way. But back home where I'm from, you fucking like secretly order food. Of course, don't let anybody know because one, no one can fucking afford to pay for 5 other people in there. Yeah. And, and it's just like, you just, you just order your food and you fucking eat it. And if someone else is hungry, they'll, they'll, they'll go get their own food. But here in LA, it's like, if you, if you don't ask the room for food, people will be so— I got Subway the fucking other day. It was like 2 AM. I didn't even ask because I figured no one wanted Subway at 2 AM. And I don't know who it was, but they were like, you fucking ordered Subway? Yeah, dude, I've been sitting right here. Why didn't you fucking tell me it was coming? And I was like, are you being serious? Yeah, it's, which I— it's the polite thing to do to ask everybody in the room, but I'm so new to it.

You're also— then you're like, then you have to pay for everybody.

That's what I'm saying.

You feel bad like being like, okay, Venmo me. Yeah, but then you don't even want to go through that.

Yeah.

Yeah, it sucks. And then a lot of people won't pay. Yeah, a lot of people.

That blows my mind. We'll go out to dinner.

You're really good about that. You'll Venmo me so much, probably because you have money in your account, because people—

yeah, but we'll go out to dinner and like there'll be like 5 of us and, and the bill will be like $100, and one person will be like, I'll grab the bill, just Venmo me, and we'll leave the dinner, and they'll have like $27 in their Venmo. Like, no one will pay.

No one understands tax and tip.

Yeah, no one gets that.

No one gets it. No one understands a $100 bill is a $20 tip.

It's the worst. Plus tax. Yeah, it's the worst.

Yeah, 8.25% here in the state of California.

Thank you for saying that and making that clear.

Remember that. Hey, David was talking about marrying my mom today, which really upset me.

It didn't upset you. It made you happy. You literally said it's going to make you happy.

I don't know how to play these things when I'm with you.

Yeah, I mean, first of all, Jason said that his mom said that I was one of her crushes for her 75th birthday.

They had a little questionnaire for her to fill out, and under celebrity crush, she put David Dobrik. Great.

It was weird, which then led me to going, hey, Jason, it's Mother's Day.

That means you've bumped George Clooney. Wow. I just want to let you know that.

That's badass. And then I told Jason, it's Mother's Day, Mother's Day is coming up, so I figured that I would give back to, you know, the mothers in my life, whether it's mine or someone else's, and I will go and hook up with your mother. And Jason said, okay, if you want to do that, you can. And then that led to, hold on, your mom is single. Not only can I hook up with her, but I could probably marry her and become Jason's new dad. And tell me what to do. And tell Jason what to do. Which is fucking genius. I don't know why I just got this idea. I'm going to be Jason's new stepdad. And only why I love it so much is because we go out to so many places and everyone always is always asking if I'm his son. And I really just want to be able to go like, oh no, no, no, no, no, he's my son. That's going to be fucking incredible. And you gave my blessing to marry your mother.

Yeah, just do it, man. Where are you guys going to get married?

Well, honestly, what would happen is we would just do it in private. Oh, okay.

So I wouldn't even be invited.

No, I'd show you the certificate. I'd get your reaction to us being married. And then, and then we'd have a proper wedding in like Hawaii. And this is a two-in-one motherfucking one because then I would get my green card. And, and guess who's not motherfucking illegal anymore? This guy, because he is your dad.

So what happens with my— I guess, yeah, once you get the green card, you're good.

Like, Right.

Yeah.

I actually, I had a visit with my lawyer yesterday. Yeah. And my manager came. Yeah. Natalie came. Um, and my business manager came. Yeah. So there's 4 people in the meeting including me and they were like, they were just like, okay, tell us straight cause we don't fucking believe you. Is there anything David can do? Like let's say David has a $2 million job in Europe. Yeah. He needs to go. Can he pay some of that money to the government? And he's like, there's absolutely nothing David can do. To become legal in this country except get married. It's the only thing I can do. There's nothing I can do. Wow. Not a single thing I can do.

If only there was a girl that would be willing to marry you and who happens to be 70 fucking— my DMs go like this. That's all my DMs, by the way. Can you show David this video? Can David come to my graduation?

I don't want to marry anybody if it's not like If it's not legit. Okay. Even if it's just for a green card.

Okay, be stupid. Cool, we'll keep going to Chicago to vlog your friends. Yeah, that's fine. When we can go to Amsterdam, we can go to Italy, we can go to Australia, we can go to Russia, we can go to your home country. Figure this shit out, David. We're running out of fucking content ideas in the United States.

We should really leave the States.

Do it! Figure it out!

You can also probably— if they sneak coke into the United States so easily, I'm sure you can sneak me in and out. Think about it.

You could go in someone's asshole.

Yeah, probably yours.

You could go in my asshole.

No, genuinely, I feel like that would be so simple to do. I don't know, sneak me in and out of the country. But regardless, I just, I don't know, I want to do it the proper way. If I'm gonna get married, I just want, I want the person to be like the person to marry. I don't know, call me old-fashioned.

Why do guys get married 5 times? Do you understand that? I've known so many men who are like 60, 70, and they don't get it right the first time.

Well, because, because I'm one of those guys, if I was to, if my marriages didn't work out, I'd never give up on the idea of marriage. I'd always keep getting married.

But if it didn't work out, okay. So like, if you didn't get it right the first, second, and third time, here's an example.

If I got married once, right? I'm going to marry this girl because I love her. That doesn't end well. We have to get a divorce. I mean, if I'm going to marry someone, I'm going to fucking marry them to be with them forever.

Yeah. Powerful.

Yeah. Your stomach's been out. But, but if, if that doesn't go well, then if I find another person that I feel like is the one, I want to give her the same treatment and same commitment as any other person and marry them. You know what I mean? I don't want to like give up on it. That's nice. I don't want to give up and be like, no, fuck it. It didn't work with these people. And I know you're no different, you know what I mean? Right. Like, every person deserves that chance, so I don't want to—

yeah, it's like your vlogs when you give away money to 400 kids and one person gets it.

Yeah, I guess someone was like, so yeah, we went to, um, I went to college and I gave away $20,000 to a random person in the crowd, and I got a DM and someone was like, why don't you just split the fucking money up? It would be such a cooler video. I did the math and it was like $45 a kid. Giving $45 to students.

A big thing at the, um, on the field trip was OTB. What's OTB? OTB, um, is on the bus, which is like the, the teacher would get— he's like, the teacher would get up there and he was a really cool guy. He's like, first of all, a teacher that dedicates his life to teaching jazz in the public schools, could you imagine? Probably doesn't get paid a lot and he is so passionate about jazz.

Teachers are—

which is a dying fucking are dying to learn.

But teachers are so passionate about, like, I don't— are you saying you feel bad for him?

I don't feel bad for him, I'm just amazed with him. Like, I understand when people are like, teachers are heroes, you know, teachers are—

no, I totally get it. When you're a teacher, you do it because you love it, and it doesn't— fucking teachers can get paid nothing, which they do, and they'll just do it because they love it.

He would, he would, um, he would get up on the bus and he would go, he'd go, okay, okay, shh, okay, shh. He just shushed them a lot. And then he goes, uh, he goes, I want to remind you guys that when we go in there, there's an award. There's a Spirit Award that I have never won. Shh. And, uh, I'd really like to win it this year. Shh. Um, and he goes, uh, he goes, he goes, remember, shh, OTB, OTB, which means on the bus, which just means you're gonna talk. If you're like, if you're gonna talk smack, shh, um, do it on the bus. And so, so the kids would be in there and they'd like, they literally would start talking smack and someone would go, OTB, OTB.

Oh, like you can only do it on the bus?

Yeah, on the bus. Wow. And then they were like, it also means off the bus.

Like that. That's the kid that's gonna go far. Look at that, found out it's off the bus. Guys, have you ever wanted to make a website of your own? Well, you can because it's super simple with squarespace.com, especially when you do squarespace.com/views because you get a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code views to save 10% off your first purchase.

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David called his mom less— a couple days ago, and he was trying to clarify how to say penis and vagina in Czechoslovakian.

Yeah, it's so funny. Yeah, because my mom, my grandma, my friends didn't believe me that in Slovak and in Hungarian, a way to refer, a way to refer to the kids, yeah, is by calling them— like, my uncle and my grandma would call me penis. And then my grandma— it was so— it's so weird now being in America. And my grandma would call my siblings vagina. But the way it comes off is it's like calling someone pussy. In like a really cute way. Come here, pussy. It's like that. And yeah, I know it sounds weird, but in a different language—

Oh, pussy.

But that's like pussycat. So my grandma would call my sisters puñu, and that means vagina.

Oh my God. No, no, it's puñu. Puñu. Oh, you're right. Yeah, panuca. I wrote it down. Isn't it panuca?

I don't know. She'd always say puñu. And like, and it was so weird. This is a little TMI, but my grandma was like, I guess it must have been like a weird, like, European thing, but my grandma would always talk about how much she loved me. Yeah, and like, not weird at all, but she'd be like, I love you so much, I'd drink your pee. But it would— but it wasn't like gross as like how I'm describing it now. It was more endearing. Like, it was like, wow, she'd really do that for me. And that's my girl.

My grandma, she would have me take a shit in the living room.

It sounds weird to not go in the bathroom, but when you saw her rolling around in it, you understood.

And it did David called his mom to clarify.

Yeah, she was like, because no one believed me, no one believed me. And then I brought it up and she started laughing and she's like, no, no, no, don't bring that up on your podcast.

No, please. She laughs at everything you say, huh? She laughs at everything you say.

Well, because we call her about like some really abstract things. But, um, but yeah, so yeah, that is, uh, that is myth confirmed in Slovakia.

A little update from last week's conversation where we were trying to figure out what superhero David is. I got a lot of DMs saying that you were Iron Man. Thank you, just want to let you know.

First of all, I was so confused about how you were disagreeing with it.

You're not Iron Man at all.

That's so weird, Joe. You'd consider me Iron Man?

Ant-Man?

Yeah, you could play when he's like huge.

Yeah, you could play Ant-Man because you're funny, like Paul Rudd is funny. Sure, that's the whole bit with Ant-Man. Iron Man? No, dude, you don't have it. But we did figure out that David— have Iron Man. Jeff is— could be— no, Jeff's like Captain America.

Yeah, Jeff's Captain America. That one's so fucking easy.

Iron Man did go to jail.

Okay, go.

What am I? Steve Rogers.

I'm Captain America.

Yeah, because like you fucking— you haven't— you haven't experienced life at all and everything's so new to you. Like, we went to Starbucks and you were like, oh my God, coffee, a frappuccino. We didn't have this in the '40s.

Yeah, I tried Starbucks for the first time and I ordered a medium and everyone fucking gave me shit for it because apparently it's a grande.

What is it? Yeah, it's okay. You can say medium at Starbucks. But I mean, yes, someone did give you shit for it. I'm okay with that.

You went— you went into Starbucks the other day and what happened? There was a guy ordering. What was it?

This guy, he's in front of me, and I guess his name is Mitch. Yeah. And but the woman behind the counter, she goes, I'll get that right out for you, bitch. But I thought she said bitch. Yeah. So then his drink came out, and I looked at the drink and it said Mitch, and I was like, ah. And then I talked to him. Sometimes I'm just in like a goofy mood where I just don't give a fuck, and I was like, I was like, bro, I was like, your name's Mitch, but I thought she called you bitch. And he goes, Happens a lot.

I was waiting for Jason in the car while he was getting that Starbucks. I could see him laughing and I was like, kind of like, should I go in there and film this?

And then I was baiting you. I was hoping you would come in.

You were baiting me. I could tell because you were laughing in my direction.

Yeah, I was baiting you.

So I was like, he wants me to come in. There's something funny going on. And then he told me it was funny, but it wasn't that funny. It was hard to capture.

You never know. I'm so glad David now is a Starbucks fan, pro Starbucks, which is going to change everything for the summer because We'll see. And the thing is, it's like a coffee will pick me up. You know when you're like, Jason's dead, he's like, you're so tired, and a coffee will change my mood. Well, you would never go.

I hope it changes my mood because it's gonna be a long summer. And speaking of long summers, this next segment is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's where we give our friend Joe, who's our editor, 25 seconds to say whatever he wants in return for editing our podcast. And we're live in 3, 2, What's up, weenies?

It's your boy Joe, and you know, I'm a little on the fence today. I've been making half decisions, if you know what I'm saying. I didn't really prepare jokes. I'm gonna use my rollover option and cut the podcast this week short and do an extended one next week. If you guys can just hold my cock real quick. Okay, I'm gonna go. I still got 4 seconds next week.

Bye, guys. For everyone listening, the He said a couple of jokes in there that probably weren't funny at all. That's his actual time. But that's because they were all sight gags. So like he makes these jokes to us on the podcast. Yeah, but no one can see it. So it just sounds like he's talking a bunch of nonsense. Yeah. Joe has half of his face shaved right now.

Yeah, you definitely want to go.

And then when he said, grab my cock, he was referring to a birdie he gave us that's also referred to as a cock.

This is great because this is filled a minute. You just explaining. Yeah, what just happened with Joe?

Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast is turning into the Joe's Extra Long Explanation of What He's Trying to Do Podcast. Uh, he won't be back next week. I had a little accident, uh, the other day with my Ferrari.

Oh yeah, I heard.

What happened? I took it to, um, I took it to One Oak. I was very excited because I've never been to One Oak and I always talk about it. It's a nightclub. I don't care for nightclubs, but there's something about One Oak that's been wanting me to go there. Like, I really want to go there.

Just the name sounds cool.

So someone was like, let's go to One Oak, and I was like, Fuck yes, it was Cinco de Mayo. Yeah, everything was going my way. I'm like, I'm ready to go. And we drive by the front, and I know, I know the front, the valet costs so much, so I'm like, fuck it, I'm gonna park in the back. Yeah, like I have a Ferrari, but I still want to, you know, I want to keep the money that I earned. I don't want to waste it.

Why aren't you valeting the Ferrari?

So hold on, just listen.

So I go, that's the right car, because with that car you can say the great words that I've always wanted to say. Or the valet will say the best words to you. Those 3 words: keep it close. And then you go, yeah, keep it close. That's my favorite. Whenever I see a guy in a Ferrari or Lamborghini, they always say that. Let me keep it nearby. And the guy goes, yeah, please.

Oh, it's so cool. Um, well, okay, I didn't. And I have a cheap little Slovak. I went to the back.

Yeah.

And I pull up in the back and I'm like, fuck, there's a parking lot attendant here too. So it's going to cost a lot. And he goes, $100. South Park, $100.

At 1 Oak?

At 1 Oak. On Sunset? Yeah. Why? On a Monday night or some shit. I don't know. Or Sunday night. I don't know. Monday night. It was like a lame night. No one was there.

And if you had come up in a Volvo—

Exactly. It would have been $10. Wow. And I was like, I literally was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was like, I'm not paying $100 to park. Like, this isn't even valet. I'm in the back. I'm in an alley right now. You're not gonna charge me $100 for this parking spot.

Yeah.

So I was like, fuck it. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. And then Stas walks, runs up, and she's like, no, no, no, no, no, you're not, you're not gonna, you're not gonna argue about $100. She's like, let me talk to him. So she got it down to $60 after some master negotiating. So I'm like, fuck it, here's $60. Yeah, I want to enjoy my night. It's One Oak. I'm going inside. Yeah. So I gave him $60, which is ridiculous to park. That's, that's a, that's a flight to Alabama if I wanted to. Like, now I can't see Alabama.

Yeah, where are you, Dubai?

Exactly. So I, I park. I'm parking. He doesn't even take my car. He makes me self-park, which is ridiculous. For $60, you should be lifting the car on your shoulders. And I'm parking. I pull it back into a spot, and I'm getting out of the car, and I go, okay, thank you. Do you want the keys or not? He's like, no, no, no, pull back more, pull it back more. And I'm like, fuck, okay, I'll pull back more. And he goes, keep going, keep going, keep going. And then I hit the back end of my car. Yeah. And I fucking— I was like, I wasn't mad because I don't get like mad in public because I'm just like— but I was fucking fuming inside. I was so angry.

Yeah.

And I was like, what happened? He's like, it's nothing, it's just the muffler. And I go out and check and my entire like bottom end is just fucking destroyed.

And is it underneath so you can't see it?

Oh, you could see it because it sticks out. And I got a quote for it and it'll be $7,000 to $10,000 to replace.

Just that bumper. Yeah, alone.

That, that fucking parking spot cost me $7,000 to $10,000.

Hang on, insurance?

No, I don't, because I would never pay for— I never pay for with my insurance. I don't want it on my Carfax. Well, now I guess everybody knows because I just told them I crashed my Ferrari. But, but yeah, and then I went, and then I was like, fuck it, I'm still gonna have a good night even after I crashed it. Yeah, and then I went up to the One Oak door and one of the cops there was like, hey, hey, This guy's a camera. That's not cool, right? And I know it's not cool to have a cop. Yeah, a cop. A guy who didn't even work there. And it's like, and what's he doing? He said it a lot more asshole-ish than I just said it. And, and I just got so like angry. I was like, okay, like you can tell me to not bring in my camera. I don't own this place. Like it's your rules, but like don't be an asshole to me about it. Just be like, hey man, I don't think we can have cameras in here. Said this to a cop? No, I didn't. I'm angry, but I never show that. I just keep quiet.

Why is a cop deciding who can go into One Oak and what they can bring in. Why isn't he solving a crime?

He's like, you can't bring that fucking camera in here. And I was like, I got so like thrown off. I just turned around, I left. I didn't even say goodbye to my friends. I'm like, this is— there's something telling me not to walk into this fucking club. Yeah.

And you heard a tidal wave hit One Oak the other night.

Yeah, yeah, a tsunami. The tsunami was crashed into One Oak. Um, yeah, so I left. I don't know, that was a pretty shitty night.

Yeah, that sucks.

Yeah, well, whatever, who cares? It's not a big deal. No one got hurt.

Crashed your Ferrari. Yeah, had it a month.

It's so, it's so interesting.

But of course you did. Yeah, it always happens. If I have like a jacket that I really—

it always happens, right? I'll lose it. It happens right away. Yeah, mm-hmm. It's not like a couple years down, it's like right away. Mm-hmm. So, well, wait, one more, one more story about my Ferrari I have. Yeah, I was picking up my mom from the airport.

Oh yeah, she was visiting.

Mom's here? My mom's here. Yeah. She was visiting, and so I was gonna take the Ferrari because she told me she didn't have like a lot of bags. So I was like, that'll be fun. I don't think she's ever driven in one. So I pull up and there's no way to like not look like a douche pulling up in a Ferrari at the airport, at the airport where like 50 people are waiting to like pick up, get picked up by like a cab or an Uber. Yeah, I feel like such an asshole. Or the shuttle. Yeah, or the shuttle. Like, I just felt like the biggest douche. And I get out to like hug my mom and help her with the bags and put them in the car, and a $20 bill falls out of my pocket like on the floor. And I'm walking back to my car, I don't even notice it, and a woman goes, excuse me, sir, you dropped, you dropped, you dropped some money. And I go, okay, sorry. And I'm, and I pick it up and I'm going back and she's like, sir, sir, there's more falling out of your pocket. And there was, there was 3 $20s that fell right out of my pocket after I picked up the first one. I looked like the biggest fucking douche in the world. I didn't even know what to say. I was just like, I just went to Vegas. I fucking freaked. I felt so—

it's almost like you were doing it on purpose to be like, hey, literally, I felt like such an ass. People aren't giving me enough attention with the Ferrari. Let me throw some money on.

I felt like I was filming a YouTube skit. Yes. Yeah. Trying to get people's reaction. Yeah. And then I gave my mom a ride in it. Oh my God. She was crying the entire time.

She was.

Yeah. She hated it.

Oh, I thought she was crying from joy. Like, you own a Ferrari, David? How proud I am of you.

No, she thinks I'm gonna die in it.

Oh, because you were going fast.

She doesn't like it, yes.

You were giving her the David ride.

She's not a big fan, yeah. But I mean, it's not for everybody.

Well, it's pretty nice. I'm not sure.

My mom was telling me she was at the dentist the other day and she was letting my sister use her phone, like, to play music. And I think my sister unplugged her headphones to give it back to my mom. Yeah. So like the phone was on full blast and, um, and my mom put the phone down in the waiting room. It was a full waiting room and out of nowhere, um, it started playing and it started playing our podcast. And the first line was, yeah, I used to masturbate with my friends. And it was me talking about masturbation. And my mom, my mom really got really freaked out and my sister started recording her cuz she was so embarrassed in front of, in front of everybody in the waiting room. I think that's really funny. It's so weird to see my mom here. Why? It's like, it's like watching like, like a crossover of a TV show. It's so weird to mix like my old, like, town with like LA.

Like it's like this life.

Yeah. It's like every time I see my hometown friends and I see you, like if I see you talk to my hometown friends, not really anymore, but like the first time I was like, wow, this is fucking bizarre.

That blows your mind.

Like, have you ever, have you ever, I mean, you definitely have because you're 89. Have you ever introduced like, Have you ever introduced like an old friend to a new friend?

All the time. I know exactly what you're talking about. Crazy. When I moved to New York, my high school friends would come and hang out, like, I work at Saturday Night Live. Like, yeah, come on in, I can get you in. Yeah. And then to watch people cross paths, and it's so weird with their like thick Boston accent, like, and like the refined New York.

It's literally like I'm comparing everything to my life to the Avengers, but it's literally like Iron Man and and Captain America and all these separate movies coming into one. It's like all these different storylines that you have, like, this is my New York life, this is my LA life, and then all, all mixing.

Your mom's a lot like Gamora.

Yeah, my mom is like, oh guys, I just found out my, my future daughter's name yesterday.

Yeah, you picked it out.

That was exciting. Her name's gonna be Denora.

Yeah, I told Charlie that.

Yeah, what'd she say?

She was like, he's naming her after Denora? And I'm like, no, he just asked her her name.

Yeah. Charlie has a friend named Dinora, and I really love the name. Yeah. And her nickname is Dino Nuggets. Dino Nuggets, which I also asked Jason if I can steal because I want to nickname my child that, Dino Nuggets. Yeah, maybe she is. And Jason said that'll be okay because when I have kids, the real Dino Nuggets will probably be 20 and no longer go by Dino Nuggets. So I'll— or maybe she will. But yeah, so it's going to be Dinora Dobrik. I think it's pretty cute or it's ugly. Why? The Nora. What's— what's—

what? I don't know. It is a little obtuse.

It's a little aggressive. It's almost like— I don't know. I don't want to call her Dina. I don't want— oh, Dina.

Dina Dobrik. Sounds like a porn star, but—

It does sound like a porn star. Well, knowing my kids, I know they're going to be excited.

The amount of time you'll spend with them. You let loose the other day in Vegas. You had a couple of sips of my fruity drink. I had a little— And David was a little drunk.

I have a little, little bit of a margarita. Yeah, I was fucking feeling it.

I was feeling it too. We went—

I think it was all placebo because I took a couple sips. There's no way I was actually drunk, but I like loosened up just by knowing that I just had alcohol.

I don't know, I felt really good and I only had a couple sips. I think they're like 180 proof, those drinks.

Yeah, it was, it was my first time. I remember I was, I was kind of tipsy. I remember pointing to a place that said margaritas It said margaritas. And I'm like, oh my God, is that a margarita stand? And Jason goes, yeah, that's fucking exactly what it is. It says margaritas. So Vegas was— we were going through the— we were going to a party in Vegas and, and the security was fucking crazy. You remember that? Yeah. They confiscated everything. Oh yes. Yeah.

I couldn't bring my Nicorette in.

They confiscated gum. They confiscated Juul pods.

We had just gone to It's Sugar too.

They confiscated ChapStick. Yeah, from my publicist.

Perfume and perfume.

Yeah, they took. And then, and then when you got inside, they resold you all those things. So a pack of gum was $20.

No, it wasn't. Yes, it was.

Exaggerating.

Yes, it was. $20 for a pack of gum.

A Juul pod was $20 as well.

And it was $100 to park a car at One Oak. I don't believe you now.

No, I'm being, I'm being serious. You are? Yeah, it's bad.

You know what, and they confiscated our molly too, which was crazy.

That was bullshit. I tried swallowing it as much as I can, could only get 10 pills down.

So then I, as the oldest in the group, just felt like I should be the one that would take everything and check it in.

Yeah. So Jason went to check in. We lost him for a good 45 minutes. Yeah. So when Jason's by himself, he gets lost. It's especially losing Jason in Vegas. Once you lose Jason in Vegas, uh, it's funny cause I'll be like, Jason, where are you? And he'll send me a picture of him sitting in a random corner. He'll be like, so this is what I'm looking at. And it'll just be like a party. Like, I'll see the couch on the side, on the bottom side. So I know he's sitting down. I know he's just like on his phone somewhere playing this pool game that he plays with his son.

Pool King. Pool King. Which when it's written out looks like Poo King. Yeah. Could be a good game. Could be if we wanted.

Poo King. Jonah told me the other day, he told me a fun fact. He's like, someone, there's someone in the world right now that took the biggest shit and they have no idea that they're the ones that just took the biggest shit.

Yeah. This is a guy who screamed into a pot yesterday. Covered it and hoped that it would scream back.

Yeah, Jonah thought that if he screams into a pot and he puts the lid on, that if he takes the lid off in 10 seconds, he'll hear his echo in the pot, which is ridiculous. And he tried it a couple times, and he— and then his brother took it, and then I went into the— I went to the living room, and I was like, can you guys believe this fucking idiot? We were just trying the pot thing. And his sister goes, oh yeah, it doesn't work.

We tried it, we tried it, it doesn't work.

And I go, are you fucking trying it too? The entire family tried the pot thing, but I mean, yeah, they were—

they had The Office on and he tried to jump into the TV, into the scene.

Okay, he didn't do that. That is— that is something he would do.

That's a little much, guys.

That's all we— that's all the time we have for today's podcast. This has been The Views Podcast.

Yeah, come see me in New York on May 18th. Come see me in San Francisco on June 8th. Okay, okay. Chicago June 9th.

It's—

it's in Boston June 5th.

Look, Jason finally speaks. Quiet the entire time, and then when he has a self-promo, he fucking spits it out.

Somebody was talking a lot. Not me. I was just sitting here watching you. You were, you know, you were on fire.

I'm also going to be in New York.

Yes, for your pop-up. Yeah. Yeah.

Is that the same time you are?

I conveniently planned it. Looks like you're going to a show.

Looks like you're leaving. What day is your show? Saturday. Oh, Saturday.

Yeah, if you can't make it, that's fine.

I mean, okay, I'll make it.

You don't have to.

Did you do it just so you can stand outside of my pop-up in New York and direct all the sales to you?

Yeah, I'm gonna have one of those spinning signs that I throw up.

Come see my show. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty funny. Yeah, it'll be good.

It's better than me not being—

yes, I'm gonna have a pop-up. There's gonna be merch. I'm not confirming whether I'm coming or not, but I'll probably be there.

Where is the pop-up gonna be?

It's at 368. Oh, it's at Casey Neistat's studio.

Oh, fantastic. What day is it? Saturday and Sunday. What day? It's the 18th and 19th.

Whatever Saturday and Sunday is next week. So come see us there, buy some merch, have fun. New York. It's in New York. So see us in New York.

Let me get that right. Why? Yeah, it's Saturday the 18th and Sunday the 19th.

Okay, we'll see you guys later. This has been a Views podcast. My name is Jeff. We'll see you guys later. Bye.