Buying My Assistant A Soccer Team

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I, and occasionally Ilya and Natalie, will say things.

We talk into the mic, we say stuff, we vibe, we learn about Dave's inner workings. The most fascinating man in the universe.

You would say that, huh? You would say I'm the most fascinating man.

I'm talking about Ilya. Yeah, the most fascinating. Let me finish. The most fascinating man in the universe.

I think you said—

I think you said you learn about Dave's inner workings, uh, period, comma, most fascinating man in the universe.

Ilya.

Let me finish. Ilya Fetti.

And the most beautiful woman in the world, Natalie.

You think that's what it would— how would you try?

I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world.

No, absolutely not.

That's what David says. He texts me sometimes, he goes, yo, fucking, I cannot be around Natalie today, she's so goddamn gorgeous.

Sometimes I honestly—

not fucking roasted.

Boy, that not joke is so great.

So good. All right, roll the intro music. Okay, we're hiring a new the person.

No, you're not.

No, I mean, okay, I'd be the person. Let's backtrack here. So we have people that come here and clean, right? Yeah. Um, and it's just, it costs a lot of money because this house is always messy. There's so many people that work here, there's always people in and out. Like, it's just like, it's always getting messy. So we found out that it's actually cheaper for us to have someone that lives in with us, that lives in a room, like a live-in nanny.

A live-in nanny?

Yeah, I'm getting a nanny!

I know somebody that wants that job.

Who?

My nanny.

Really? Oh yeah, really?

She loves you. Yeah.

Oh wow. Okay. Well, well, listen, we're—

I don't know, she, she doesn't cuddle Wyatt and Charlie as much as you need, so I'm not sure.

This is going to be big. I'm so excited for this because we crunched the numbers and just the amount we pay for people to come here weekly, it's a lot more expensive than someone to be here every day, like cleaning and like cooking.

So nice when you have somebody here every day.

Yeah. Yeah. And I'll just— someone to take care of the house and it's crazy. So we're saving money, but it's even better. It's an even better situation. And it's going to— I'm going to have— I'm looking for like a grandma fit. Figure. Like, I had— the way I described is I want it to be very much like, like a grandma, like, right? Like, and, and we're going through like all the referrals from people. Like, we're, you know, we're getting emails from everybody that's interested and like we're reading. Like Ella was like, I have, I have like 10 people, can you look through these? And Ella pulled up the people and I was like, what the fuck? There's no pictures. And Ella goes, well, these, these are the resumes. Like, they don't have pictures. And I was like, I don't care about the resumes. Like, the most important is like, does this look like this could be my grandma? That's the most important. I don't know why, but like, when I think about like, you want to basically find an old woman.

Yeah, I put her to work.

Well, no, but they— but does this sound crazy?

No, it's fine.

It's women that want to work. It's not like— it's not like I'm going to pull an old woman off the street and be like, you will work for me now. It's women who are looking for work. And you could sponsor somebody from a different country. And as I was looking through the pictures, because There was 10 resumes and 2 of them had pictures. So I looked at the 2 pictures and the most important part is, is this a person I want to hug after I've been on a long trip? Like, is this a person I want to wrap my arms around after I've been away from home for a week? And that's what I'm looking for.

So hard. Your trip to New York doing Jimmy Fallon must have been stressful.

No, no, it does. I told my mom this. I told my mom that I just told her, literally, I just got off the phone with her. She thinks I'm a fucking idiot. But like, she was like, are you kidding me? Like, what the fuck's wrong with you? I mean, she doesn't talk like that. Take that at all, but like, that's the way I took it. But, um, but no, it's just, first of all, I think it's a win-win for everybody. Like, you could sponsor somebody from a different fucking country, they come out here, that's fucking sick. And two, it's just cheaper than what we've already been paying. Um, so yeah, I'm really excited about it. Great.

Maybe she'll have like a, like, be like a really good cook, like make old school recipes.

Yeah, I was reading one of like, one of the person's like, uh, referral letters, and it was like, our family loved her, and I must mention she loves cooking. She has a crazy obsession with it. She'll— even if you give her a recipe, or if she'll make her own, she just loves cooking. Like, how crazy is that? You're just gonna have a stranger— there's gonna be a stranger in my home that's just gonna cook things.

Let's shoot like a nanny off, like a reality show.

A nanny?

10, like, 7-year-old grandmothers.

It's just me hugging 8 different people. This was soft, but, uh, you let go a little too early.

And eliminate one granny each week.

I don't want to go home. I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm sorry. The cookies just weren't crispy enough.

That's your catchphrase. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm just so excited. And it's like, you know, and I think I have, like, this weird obsession with, like, you know, building a home around myself.

Yeah.

Being a child, you mean?

Yeah. And I think this is just going to, like, really help.

It's a little bit of both, Natalie. It's a—

what is it?

It's a little bit of regression.

But do you hold on? I'm curious.

He wants a family around him. I get it. I think that's why Dave likes me is because I'm old. Yeah, it's comforting to him to look at me and be like, oh, look at that old fuck.

I'm curious what I just described and everything that I just said. Is it weird or is it completely normal?

No, it's, it's perfect. What room does she get?

Like the nanny? Yeah, the office. So right between Natalie and me. Yeah. Why is that bad? Well, you got Natalie and Todd fucking in one room and then you got to masturbate on the other side. And then he quits after the first day. I can't do it. I can't fucking do it. At first I thought it was ghosts and the thumping I heard in the wall, but then I realized it was just your friends orgasming. Yeah, a lot of orgasms in this house.

Then we have you too.

Yeah, you have me, king of masturbating. Okay, sorry, I thought we were going to bring up jerking off, but yeah, no, I'm really excited about it.

That's great.

It was Natalie's birthday this weekend. I got— we— I got her a gift where she's a part owner now in a soccer team.

Oh, I know.

In a women's soccer team. And like, we— it was our buddy Dan List, like, helped set up everything. And the way— basically there was no one in the stadium. It was just us. And on the big, big fucking— what are they called?

The Jumbotron.

On the Jumbotron, it was just Natalie's name and it was like, congrats, proud owner Natalie Maradona. And it totally fucking looked like I bought her the stadium. It looked like I bought her the entire thing.. And it was so funny because it went up and like, like I, like mutual friends of ours would text me, like they responded to my story and they're like, shut up, you bought her an entire soccer team.

People were so confused.

Everybody was so— everybody's like, you bought her a fucking stadium? Are you fucking kidding me? And all the comments were like, all the comments were like, oh my God, get you a guy like David, I can like buy you a stadium.

Literally everybody was like, why are you with Todd? Why are you not with David?

All the comments were about Todd. And it was really funny because Todd posted like a story or some shit, I think maybe on TikTok where he woke up Natalie with a plate of pasta.

It was our leftover Chinese.

It was leftover Chinese food. And he's like, happy birthday to you. And the top comment was like, wow, you got her fucking Chinese food and David bought her a stadium. It was really funny. But no, I didn't buy her stadium. She's just a part owner. Nowhere near the same price as buying an entire stadium. But I do appreciate that people thought Right when I posted it, I was like, oh, like the first comment I saw, I was like, whoa, this is going to be really funny because it looks like people are starting to think that I bought this place for her.

What did you think? Um, on our way there, David mentioned it to me. Like, I thought I was going to a business meeting, like meeting this guy. And halfway through, he was just like, so we're not going to the business meeting. And I was like, okay, like, I don't know why I didn't think anything of it. And he was like, we're actually going to your birthday surprise. And I was still so confused. And I was like, oh wait. He's being serious. It's my birthday today. Like, maybe, I don't know, whatever. And then he was like, don't try to guess it. And I was so confused. I was like, Dan Liss is involved? Like, what did he help get me that, you know, it didn't make sense. And then he's like, don't guess it. Cause if you guess it, I have a feeling you're going to get it. And then we went through the whole thing and surprise. That's what I said. And then I took the blindfold off. I was like, how in, what in what world would I have ever guessed that you bought me part ownership in the women's soccer team?

What the hell? I don't know.

It's not something that I even knew I wanted.

I don't know, it just seemed like, like, come on, if you're thinking about things, like, what else is left? I mean, who are you talking about? No, you don't think that's like Butter Mars?

No, she's gonna get this.

I bought her a planet. Natalie, don't say anything about the solar systems, please.

And we were going downtown too, and I have no— I've like, I never go downtown.

I thought if we're going downtown, it doesn't go downtown. I thought if we're going downtown, that's a dead giveaway that it's a stadium. No. Yeah, 100%. And I was like, she's gonna know, whatever. So let's just keep it to yourself if you know. I don't want— I don't want— I don't want to know that you know because it's a surprise. Um, but yeah, she didn't know, and it was a fun surprise.

And honestly, like, for one, I thought you were done giving me birthday gifts because I've already gotten so many, like, crazy gifts.

Yeah.

But honestly, like, the best thing to top any other gift— like, I don't— I don't know what you could possibly do anymore, any further, right?

Because everything else would be, like, predictable. This is, like, the only gift you could possibly get that was, like, cool and different.

Yeah, it was really cool.

Other than like a snow globe or something. Snow globes are sick.

I'm getting a snow globe.

But, but yeah, no, it was really fun and made me look fucking dope as hell. People were like, damn, you can afford a stadium. And I didn't even deny it ever except right here. The comments, I was just liking all of them. I was like, yeah, you're damn right about the soccer team. Yeah, that was fun.

And the funniest thing is David, like, he posted a TikTok of the stadium and then the next day he posted a TikTok about a water gun. And the water gun got like 20 more million views.

Oh yeah, that was so funny. Like my, my, yeah, my birthday and my birthday TikTok about her was at 4.8 million views and my new water gun I bought was at 17.8 million views. And I was like, fuck, like, I was like, imagine if I actually did buy the fucking stadium. Like, all I needed was a water gun for these people. So it's funny. It's funny what people find interesting on TikTok, even though the water gun was sick as fuck. I understand why people like that, but It's funny what is like—

we were talking about your birthday and I was saying, oh, like it was fun, but it's not like normal fun. But it's like you're— what people think is fun for this year, the bar is so low. Like, um, I took Joe and Annalise to go look at Christmas lights, but like just a neighborhood that like does Christmas lights.

And after— that sounds like so much fun.

It does sound fun.

And they were ecstatic. Yeah, they were like, oh my God. I'm like, how was this? Was this okay? And they're like, yeah, so much fun, so great.

Yeah, she's like Who gets me out of the house?

Yeah, yeah, Bobby.

That is funny. It's just to get out of the house. Like, if you have any plan whatsoever to get out of the house is like really interesting. Yeah. Even for me who likes staying in the house, I get excited about like little things. My sister texted me the other day and I— and she goes, what's a good rate if someone wanted to pay to get on my TikTok? She goes, I have 700,000 followers. And she goes, like $50 or something? And I go, $50K, question mark? Like, just to fuck with her. And she goes, no, dumb fuck, $50. And I go, probably like $500 to $1,000 is how much you should be charging. She goes, LMAO, they sent me clothes and want me to show clothes. They asked for a rate. What should I say? She doesn't believe me. She still thinks she should be charging $50. And I go, start at $800. She goes, really? You don't think they're going to be like, what the fuck? Okay, whatever, whatever. If I look dumb, I'm blaming it on you. And then I had to reach out to Natalie because she still didn't believe me. And she goes, they're sending me up to 7 different clothing items. Do I still ask for money? And now he goes, $2,000. And Esther goes, holy shit, just for one post? Is that like normal? And now he goes, clothes don't matter. It's like free for the brand. And then, and then Esther's like, Esther's like, oh my God. Okay, so $2K. I thought $50 was too much. And then Natalie goes, it's crazy because all these kids are like that and these brands get free press. And I texted, I said, and I go, I go to Natalie, I go, we should manage them. I was like, imagine if we manage my sister and we kept $1,900 out of out of the $2,000 that she made and we just paid her $100 and she'd still think like she was getting an amazing deal. We'd make so much money. Um, so yeah, yeah. And then we told her— no, she didn't get it. She's like, they left me on read, which is normal because like I wasn't, you know, I wasn't expecting— like the brand was directly talking to her, so I don't think the brand was expecting her to be like so like knowledgeable about how much she should be getting paid. And a lot of brands don't have that kind of money, but that is That is her actual rate. She should be charging at least $1,000 per post at her following. And it's just really funny. And the other day she asked me— she, uh, she got a deal for a TikTok where, um, it's the amount of— amount of views she gets, um, is how much she gets paid. So she gets over a million views or a million likes or whatever, she gets $7,000. So she asked me to be a part of it. Oh, um, so— and I don't know what to say. Like, I know she's like my family, but I also like—

it's They've got to get paid too.

No, but like, I don't know, like, I don't want, I don't want brands to feel like they can like go through my sister to get me.

This is like a random side story, but there was a brand, their campaign briefs got leaked, and it's a brand that is like notorious for taking advantage of influencers and celebrities and all this. They just don't pay appropriately. And for somebody, they had a million followers on YouTube and a million followers on Instagram, and this brand wanted 7 in-feed Instagram photos for story swipe-ups, and 5 YouTube videos.

All right, so let's just see how much this person should actually be getting paid. So there's— they have a million followers on Instagram, a million followers on YouTube. Let's say their engagement's pretty good, which would be like 20%, um, so that would give them 200,000 views on YouTube and like 200,000 likes on Instagram, which is pretty fucking good for somebody who has a million followers. Yeah, that's like pretty unheard of. It's really good. They should be getting paid around $15K a YouTube video. Yep. Multiply that by 5 because there's 5 YouTube videos, so we're at 75K. And then $2,000 per story, and they want how many stories?

4 stories.

So we're at $8K. Yep. So now we're $83,000. And then per Instagram post, if they get— this is like a, a pretty conservative number— they should get at least $5,000 per post, right? At least. And there's how many of them? 7. So it's another $35K, right? So for that campaign, that person should getting paid at least $118,000. Yeah.

Okay, how do we want to take guesses on how much this person was offered?

No, I don't want to, I don't want to guess, but I'm curious. So who's the brand?

It's a fashion brand.

Okay, it's a big fashion brand, and you're saying that they got caught not paying influencers enough, right? So we put the estimate at $118,000. What did you say? What, and what, what is the actual? $8,000. Wow, $8,000? Yeah. For all those videos? Yeah. For all those Instagram posts.

So here's what I'll say.

That's fucking ridiculous.

That's, that's crazy that, you know, someone would be dumb to take that. But at the same time, I completely agree. There's— that market is so oversaturated. There are so many girls, right, have followings that, yeah, you want to get paid. And it's like, you don't want to do it with Natalie? Great, I'll go do it with Ella.

Well, that was like a big argument in the, in the comments and threads that I was reading about it.

How many— so many people have 100,000 followers, a million followers, right? Isn't that And like 30,000 creators have like a million followers on like TikTok alone. I don't even know the number, but like, it's fucking bizarre.

And other people that aren't—

I made that 30,000 number up completely. I was just trying to say a lot.

It's so off. And other people that aren't in the industry and understanding what rates are and whatnot, people were like, $8,000, that's like 3 months of my rent, you know? Like, people were freaking out.

Oh, people were saying that's a lot.

Yeah, some people— it was half and half.

It was split. One of the funniest things to me was I was, I was in Chicago and I was there on behalf of Bumble., and I was talking to these two girls and they're like, they're like, why are you here? I was there for Lollapalooza and I was like, well, I'm here, I'm doing something for Bumble. And they're like, oh, so you're like— I, I do Bumble ambassadors. And, and they were like, we're Bumble ambassador at our college. And I was like, yeah, it's kind of like that. And they're like, so you pay to come all the way over here just to work with Bumble? And I'm like, no, no, they're paying me to be here. Yeah. And they couldn't wrap, they couldn't wrap their head around that Bumble was paying me to show up. Like, they didn't understand that. Yeah, guys, my, my high school teacher killer is here. I swear to God, we've recorded these on different days. It seems like he lives at my house, but we're talking about how much influencers get paid. It's, it's insane.

Well, I think— I mean, it's market value, like it's fair, but it's to the outside world.

I think it's very funny because you have a really interesting perspective because you're very much in the outside world.

When did you— Thanks for— I think I've got a little micro influence going on.

Yeah, you have a little corner. Following on Twitter, very strong fan base, 100 likes per tweet. I see it. But when did you— I'm very open about how much I get paid. So when did you— no, not— oh, okay. Like, I think I've told you like a rate.

Oh yeah, no, no, yeah, I thought you meant on the podcast that you were open about it.

Oh, I don't know, so I'll talk about it whenever. But, um, but when was there like— when, when did you realize that there was money in social media? Because I remember when I was first moving out here, people could not wrap their head around the fact that you could make money off social media. They were like, what the like at first, were you confused?

Yeah, but, but I think I got it early on because even when you came to talk to me about like how— well, you had already moved out here, but you talked to me about like, should I stay back here? My parents want me to go back to college and things like that. Like while we were having that conversation, which I normally tell people in a sense of like, oh yeah, I told, you know, I told him like, you stay in L.A., young man, and you'll, you know, climb to the top, whatever. But like, and make it seem like I had a lot to do with your success, which is not the case, because while we had that conversation, you got a phone call from either Jack or somebody who was hooking you up with deals. And like, while we were talking, you got a phone call. It was like, oh, so-and-so is going to pay you $5,000 for drinking their brand of bottled water, right, in one of your like Vines or something. Then I was like, and that was insane to me. And but I mean, and that's nothing compared to what you get paid now. But at the time I was like, holy shit. Like, yeah, man, go to fucking L.A. Are you out of your mind? Like, if If people are going to give you $5,000 for 5 minutes of work, okay, then don't go to school.

Here's another interesting question. Killinger just walked in, so he missed our conversation in the past. I'm going to give you numbers from a smaller influencer and you tell me how much you think they should be deserved to pay, how much they should be paid for all this. Okay. Okay. So this, this influencer has 1 million followers on Instagram and 1 million followers on YouTube. They have to post 7 in-feed posts on Instagram, like 7 in-feed posts and 4 stories. And 5 YouTube videos. How much should they get paid for this?

5 YouTube videos and like, and all that shit on Instagram.

Yeah. 7 Instagram posts. Like a bigger, bigger deal.

How much? I mean, that sounds like it's in the like $100,000 or more.

Oh yeah. Pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Hey, well done. That's fucking crazy that you got that. Yeah, there was, there was like this article that leaked basically saying that like this fashion brand was not paying their influencers a lot. And for that, they were paying people $8,000.

That's, that's nuts. If you've got a million, how are you not finding better deals?

Well, the argument is there's a lot of people that have a million. There's a lot of people. Sure. It's not the craziest. Yeah. More because it's so saturated. But yeah, I mean, I still think it's fucking crazy. I think you're a little bit more like aware of like how much people make on social media. But like, have you ever had conversations with people that don't understand it at all? Yeah, it's like the most entertaining thing to me.

It— no, it really is. Especially like, so I don't know some of the numbers you've been making on, on some recent things. Things, but like one of those companies that measures that stuff, I'm sure you guys saw, like it said that your worth is like $500,000 per Instagram post or something.

Yeah, like MarketWatch. Completely wrong though. That's like way too low. No, no, no, no, that's way too high. Like, yeah, for an Instagram post, no fucking way am I getting $500,000.

Okay, so I mean, so that's like, I assumed that was off since it wasn't like any official thing. It was like their market estimate. But still, what I tell people, that number in terms of like, you know, with a caveat of like, I don't know if this is true, but this organization thinks that he's making $500,000 per post. And that's like, I mean, people just can't even wrap their heads around it.

The problem with this is also like, people will be like, um, Charli D'Amelio has 100 million followers on TikTok, so she charges $130,000 per TikTok and she posts 4 TikToks a day. That means she makes $600,000 a day. That's not— that's not how it works. You don't You don't get paid for an Instagram post that doesn't have a brand attached to it, right? Or you don't get paid for a TikTok that doesn't— well, now you do because of the creator fund, but it's like hundreds of dollars as opposed to thousands. But like, you don't get paid for posts where there's no brand attached to it. And I think people forget that a lot. People are like, he gets paid $400,000 per Instagram post. It's like, well, no, but, but yeah, I've definitely heard deals like, like there's like the big— the bigger Instagrammers, obviously, like the Kardashians of the world will definitely get paid like a million or two for an Instagram post. But those are very, very Those are very rare.

I think one time would—

a lot for a brand to justify spending $1 million on one picture. I don't know if I've talked about this. Now tell me if I'm talking about this. My favorite deal that I've ever gotten, it was for a little over like $100,000 for, for some sort of like I had to promote and tweet about this program where people can tweet at the program and it responds to you. It's a robot, but they were making the robot like lifelike. So like anybody can have a conversation with it., and I had like all these posts I had to do for it, like Instagram stories and, uh, and in-feed posts and tweets about it. Um, but the first day of the program, I did my first post and I had like 5 more to go. Um, I did my first post, but the program, it learns. So like with more people texting it, it learns more about pop culture and stuff, whatever. Okay. Um, and people were texting like inappropriate words to it and it started picking up on that. So it started responding with inappropriate words. It started calling everybody like a bitch, a motherfucker, cunt, and like This is a program made by like a really high-end company. So they shut the entire fucking program down, but they still paid me out the $100,000, which is fucking insane. No, I had— I did one post, which they made me delete too. So it was only up for like 2 hours and they still had to pay me out for the entire thing because this program just became an asshole. But that's happened before. There was like a deal with like what, Ninja and Mixer? Did you guys ever read about that deal?

I haven't read about it, but I knew about it.

Yeah, I read about it. It was like, what was it?

Well, I mean, he just went— they paid him, what was it, almost like $10 million or something, right?

$10 million. It was a $100 million deal.

It was a $100 million deal. It was like insane to switch over to Mixer and to be like the first creator on Mixer.

So Mixer was like the new Twitch, like the new place to stream. And they— I think they paid him like $100 million, but then Mixer went under in like a couple months.

Yeah. And they—

I didn't know that. And they had to pay him out all the money.

Jeez.

And it was like a multiple year-long deal.

But like, so what, is he back on Twitch now?

Like, yeah, Jesus Christ, because he had to be like exclusive to Mixer for something like 3 to 5 years or something, thinking that it was gonna be the next streaming platform, and then it just tanked. And but they had the deal with him, and so they had to pay him out, and now he's just—

we got a deal. We pitched a show to Quibi, and they were so excited. They sent us a cake. They're like, we want to buy how many episodes? They're like, we want to buy like 80. No, that was the first cake. They sent us one cake, and it was, we want to buy 8 episodes. And then the next one was like, cancel the rest of your pitches, we want to buy 8 19 episodes and they really wanted it. They wanted to buy so many episodes from us, but I was like, no, Quibi's not the place to be. Sure. And I'm so pissed because they went under 2 weeks after. So I was like, if we could have gotten this fucking contract wrapped up. Yeah, we could have made like a couple million dollars just because Quibi went under and they would have had to pay us out. But yeah, I think, I think that's, that's such an interesting like thing where like companies still have to pay people out after.

The same thing happened with the podcast too.

There's a big, big offer. Oh yeah, we got a huge deal for the podcast, for this podcast. Oh, we've talked about this on the podcast.

How much, how much was it?

$700,000, I think. Yeah. Which at the time was really big, right? For to have the podcast somewhere else. I don't know where it was. And I said no, I was like, absolutely not. Like, I want it on Apple Podcasts. I don't want it to be in a weird place. And that company went under in like 2 weeks and they had to, and they had to pay out everybody. They paid everybody out that was on their thing. To Dave for 3 weeks. I was going to say, Jay was so pissed because it was like, it was $700,000 just for our podcast to air a week earlier on like another platform.

Yeah. And it wasn't even exclusive.

It was just— no, it was just like a week earlier. No, it wasn't exclusive. I would never do anything exclusive. But yeah, and that happened and I was, and I was like, fuck, I guess, well, we should have done it, but you never know. But yeah, that's really funny. The other day Jay Leno was here and we were shooting a show called Jay's Garage. It's a show Yeah, and I mean, he's great. First of all, I'm a huge fan of Late Night. Best friend produces that show. Okay, we get it. I thought I was your best friend. But, but yeah, he loves cars and he has over 190 registered vehicles. Whoa, that fucking— and 146 motorcycles.

And that fucking insane.

You go see them? I haven't seen him yet. I'm going on another day. But isn't that fucking ridiculous to have that many cars? He doesn't have kids.

Right.

I guess it's his thing. I guess that's— yeah, but 160 kids. How many fucking kids do you need?

I think it's ridiculous.

160 cars, a lot easier. But he was great. It was so sick because like, I love late night and he was a late night host and it was just like fucking crazy that he was standing in my house. So cool. But when I was— when I was— we were shooting with him, I got a call from Kourtney Kardashian and it was really funny. I picked up and it was— it was every— it was every member of the talk. Yeah, it was every member of the Kardashian family. It was Kylie, Kendall, Kris Jenner, Kim, Khloé, and Kourtney all sitting there and just staring at the phone. It's like this TikTok trend to call somebody and just stare at the phone. But it was the 6 sisters and the mother standing, just sitting there and staring at my FaceTime. And I was just like, I was like, wow, it was fucking crazy. What did Jay Leno say?

No, Jay Leno didn't see.

Oh, he didn't say no, no, no, no. I picked up the phone. I picked up the phone and I was like, wow. And Natalie comes to me and she goes, get get the fuck off your phone, you're shooting. She was so mad at me, and I showed her the phone, I was like, yeah, but look. It was like the craziest call to get. I thought that was so funny.

That's really funny. You know, Dave, I did a little research on the soccer team.

The soccer team I got Natalie? Yeah. It was just for Natalie, it was just for her birthday. Just for her birthday. There was nothing else, it was just for her birthday.

I got a phone call from a friend of mine who's a big soccer fan. Okay. And they filled me in on some of the other owners.

Yeah, but that doesn't matter. It was mainly 'cause I was celebrating Natalie's birthday and she loves soccer.

Got a call from my mom. Uh-huh. She was, you know, has nothing else to do but fucking hunt around on the internet. Guess who also is a part owner of that soccer team?

Who? Natalie Portman. No.

What?

Natalie Portman did it only so you could get closer to Natalie Portman.

No, Natalie Portman is also part owner of the Angel City Soccer Club.

Yes.

Oh my God. What am I going to do?

Yeah, I know.

Son of a dog.

That's why I did it.

Oh, wow. It's brilliant.

Thank you.

It really is. It was really funny when people were putting it together, like, um, like people were putting in TikToks and tweets. That's why I knew where you're going with it. They were just like, dude, I think he bought this because fucking Natalie Portman's a big investor. And that was definitely like one of my big selling points. Like when it first came to me, they're like, Natalie Portman's on. I was like, fucking say no more. I don't care what I'm investing in. It could be a soccer team of turtles. Else. Like, I am fucking in if Natalie Portman is doing this. But yeah, no, it's also for Natalie's birthday. Yeah, yeah, of course. But one thing I care about a little bit more than—

And of course you have 2 kids.

What I meant to say was I haven't either up until that moment. Right. I'm like 32 years old at this point. Point, and game on.

Is there a chance that like someone comes up to you and says, are you Jason Nash? I think you're my dad? No. Oh, that's an interesting question. Yeah, that's an interesting question I have for you. You said you've never gotten a girl pregnant? Never.

And how old were you? 32 was the time that we started to plan to have kids.

Okay, so up until then, did you have any scares? Like, did you ever have like sex without a condom and no birth control and you were like, uh-oh? No. No. Okay, like you were always like conscious of it, or did you— there was never a scare?

Are we always conscious of it?

Did you ever buy Plan B or No. And then when you guys started at age 32, yeah, did you just get pregnant right away?

Well, yeah, no, then that's— that was a lot of pressure because I was like, you go in, she was older than me, and the doctor's like, well, let's see if she can conceive. But no one was asking me, like, oh, I didn't know, like, maybe I can't conceive.

You guys have to go to the doctor. Well, you go to the doctor, turn on some candles and put the right music on. What do you mean? I mean, whatever, like a threesome with the doctor. Well, let's see if I can warm her up for you.

What the fuck? We've been watching too much Pornhub. No, but yes, that was very stressed out. I was like, I don't know if I can get anyone pregnant, right? You know, but it happened.

Yeah. Yeah, but did it happen immediately or did you have to try?

Yeah, happened pretty immediately. Really? Yeah, because Marnie is very— or person I was married to was like very meticulous.

We've said her name a million times.

No, it feels weird talking about her in sex.

Sex now though.

Oh, okay. You know, because that's so in the past. But, but yeah, she was a very meticulous person, so she was like, here's— you have these 3 days, you know, right?

Because there's only like a 24-hour period in the whole month where a woman can get pregnant. Is that true? That's what I believe, but I— Ella, you can chime in. I don't know what I'm talking about.

No, are you sure? Isn't it like—

isn't it like— I love the sex expert knowing about when pregnancy is most vital.

There's a period of time where you're ovulating which yes, is like obviously when it's you, if you're trying to get pregnant, you should definitely have sex when you're ovulating.

And then excuse me, how do you know when you're ovulating? Is like, do you, do your palms sweat more?

Do you tingle?

No.

Is your pee green? It's like right before you get your period. And like there are ways to know. Like now there are like apps like that you'd love.

Oh, there's apps to track, to track it.

Like it's—

so like I have my period and then like it tells you when I'm ovulating. I thought you like set a specific ringtone for ovulating. Like, like you have ringtone for your best friend and then you have one for ovulating, like, oh, it's— oh my God, I'm ovulating. Time to get me pregnant. Have you had the sex conversation with Wyatt yet? Yeah.

Oh, you did?

Yeah, we talked about it. Oh, I thought you were about to— I thought we were talking about bringing him on the podcast to have it here, and your ex-wife said no. I don't—

I think we were going to talk about something else. Have you had it with Charlie yet? No, I don't talk to her about that yet.

Oh, I mean, I guess I could. Yeah. Can you do that on podcast? Can you reenact what you said to Wyatt? What's up, Dad? What do you want to talk about today? Are we getting pizza for dinner or chicken? Voice has dropped since then. Oh, it's more like this. Dad, I found a gap in the space-time continuum. And then what? And then Jason's like, no, no, no, I just— fuck, I made Jason's voice high. This is fucking hard. Yeah. How did it go with the conversation with your dad? You wanted to see me? It goes good. You know, just kind of like around the bush. Okay.

Because, yeah, I don't make shit up to say stuff like you only get pregnant when you fucking stand on one leg. Well, that's true, though.

That's shitty to do. That's not true. Did your parents sit you down? I feel like, Dave, you know what? I feel like your parents did not sit you down and say, David, this is how we make a baby. No, they did. They did. Really? Well, my dad tried to. I had a Vine. I talked about this on the podcast. I had a Vine where I went up to like a store clerk and I had a box of condoms in my hand and I was like, do these work on smaller animals? And like, that was the joke is whatever, stupid fucking joke. The worst jokes online. And, and my dad came in my room after I posted that Vine and he goes, you know, those things that they, you know, the things that work on smaller animals, they also work very much on you. And then I go, no, I get it, I get it. And I told him, I was like, okay, this is fucking weird.

Oh, did you see the Jay Alvarez sex tape?

Did you ask me how many times I've seen the Jay Alvarez sex tape?

What did you say? I'm sorry, how many times have you seen it?

Yeah, there's a, there's a sex tape out with this travel vlogger. Yeah, his name is Jay Alvarez. And yes, I've seen the sex tape. It's like a super hot and steamy sex tape. I, you know, I like it. I have some complaints, but I was around Ellen, Taylor, and I don't know who else in the living room. Oh, Killinger was here. Yeah. And, and that's when the sex tape got brought up and I was like, let me look for it. And I finally found it and I fucking like put it up. Like I held my hand up so we can all watch it. I was like, this is fucking weird. Why am I watching this with like everybody in this living room? So I had to put it down. But then I went in my room and I watched it on my own time. And about like 6 minutes later. What do you think about it?

Yeah, I just— I thought it was great. I don't understand why it exists. Like, I don't understand what he was trying to do. Did he edit it or is it—

it just seemed like a movie.

It seemed like a really well-edited nude, you know, sex film.

But did he edit it or— I don't know, probably with him or his friend, right?

My friend texted me and she was like, why is everyone on TikTok freaking out about this J Alvarez sex tape? And I was like, yeah, sure, it's edited well, whatever. But like, realistically, it's nothing crazy, right? No, pretty normal sex. And like, it's just, you know, he's good looking and she's good looking.

And I was talking so fast. Like a big dong. No, you hit a big dick, but there was no like love in it. Like, I know, like, I know that sounds corny. No, no, that's not what I mean. But like, there wasn't any like passion. Like, there was— yeah, there wasn't any— like, there wasn't anything about it that was like, yeah.

I think there was. It was just the way it was edited. That's what I mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm sure like in the moment it felt great. It feels like— I wish I can get the raw footage.

I'd make such a better video. Like, yeah, like a skydiving Yeah, exactly.

Like, it felt like a business, like, cut it up for you. And they're like, you know, they're professionals with GoPros and like, you want us to cut that up for you and we'll remove the watermark for an extra $5. Like, that's what it felt like. A Fiverr edit. I wish they let the— I wish they'd let it breathe a little bit, you know? I wish some of the moments, like in the shower applying the coconut oil, but the shit was fucking jumping around like it was a party montage.

Like, a story.

How did they get there?

Yeah.

How did you get to— where did you meet? Where did you get the onesies from? And how long did you have them on before you took them off? Off. Like, I had so many questions going into this thing, and I don't know. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. For all of you guys who want us to talk about sex, I feel like we filled your needs this podcast. Um, you're welcome. Damn, I know that sounds after dark. That sounds so weird. I feel like we pleasured you guys quite enough. Um, no, we'll see you guys later. Go buy our merch, go buy the perfume, get it for somebody for Christmas. It's really exciting and it smells really good, and it's at davidsperfume.com. And we'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff. Bye.