Peed My Pants in Front of Cops

Yeah, that's right. And don't worry, David and I are 6 feet apart right now.

Yeah, I mean, with Jason, actually 12. 12. Yeah, I pushed it back because he's so fucking gross. I said, don't mind the virus, just sit across the room from me, please.

So no difference in the quarantine?

No, none at all. Roll the intro music. All right, well, this is the Views podcast. I'm David. 23, Jason 46. Natalie chimes in from time to time.

Hey man, I've been showering. I don't know about that intro. We just know you haven't.

You've had a lot more time to shower.

I've been sleeping 12 hours a day.

Really?

Yeah, it's been insane.

There's nothing to do.

I just sleep.

You know what's crazy is like, okay, this is like, I haven't seen you in like a couple days.

Sure.

This is almost like a week, a little more than a week of quarantining. It's weird having all this free time.

Yeah.

And I see a lot of posts like saying like, reflect on yourself. Use this as a time to, like, find yourself. I don't see it that way at all. I'm just stressed.

You're stressed? You don't look stressed. I came over today. I was shocked. You were like, still like kind of pretty happy-go-lucky considering what's going on.

Is that what you're going to say when you— Yeah, I was just— Jason was like, Jason was just staring at me and I was like, what are you staring at? And he's like, I'll save it for the podcast.

You're in a good mood, which is great.

I'm like, I haven't been healthy in, I think, like 2 months. I woke up 3 days ago and I was like, officially healthy and fucking perfect.

The world is dying from a virus. and of course Dave's hitting his stride.

No, no, no, no, no.

But no, no, you were sick for.

I was sick for a while. I know I was paying my dues with being sick. And I've been sick for so long. And not, like, seriously sick, just, like, sore throat, cough congestion, you know, Like, Yeah, Like, I'm not. I'm not. I wasn't dying in bed, but I wasn't feeling healthy.

We all told you to stop the vlog for a couple days.

Listen.

And you wouldn't do it.

Listen. And I. And I was so sick that I forgot what it was like being healthy.

Right.

So one day I woke up and like I could breathe and everything was like working perfectly normal. And it was really crazy. I thought I was dreaming and I just, I went back to bed for another 4 or 5 hours because it felt so good sleeping like in a healthy way. And I've been healthy and I've just been like, I've been in a really good mood. What do you, how have you been taking it?

I'm okay, hanging in there. I heard a gunshot in my backyard.

Really?

The other day I was, um, been at Marnie's a lot. Wyatt and I were sitting in the backyard chilling out, and all of a sudden we heard a gunshot. Ran inside, and we were like really scared. And because, you know, it's like a nice neighborhood, you wouldn't hear a gunshot necessarily, right?

Right.

And so I called my neighbor Doug, and I got him on the phone, and I go, hey, I go, was that you? Did you—

did you kill somebody?

Did you kill yourself? And he goes, and he goes, I was going to call you and ask the same question. I go, I go, Doug, Do you think I would kill myself in front of my ex-wife and kids? Is that what you think of me? Would I do that? He goes, would you think I would do that? And then he was like, we got into a whole thing. You'll have to be over here, you know, for a week. I go, I know, don't do that to me. Don't kill yourself.

Oh, that's funny.

But we deduced it was construction, right?

It was just a wild thought.

Yeah.

That's when Jason got the most calls from his neighbors. Marty, did it happen? Did he do it? I bet you're happy. Nope, it's just Jason. It's Jason on the line. I didn't kill myself.

Marnie had a great take. Her dad, who's like 80, is loving life right now because the world has been forced to live like him. So for example, like Marnie's dad talks about dinner at breakfast. He'll plan like what he's going to do. And now that's not such a crazy thing to do. You know what I mean? Right. You have— life is so simplified.

It's so fucking crazy because the craziest part of all this is like, I feel like I have less time.

You do? Yeah. Oh my God, I feel like I have so much time.

I know, the days go by so quick now. It's reminding me of when I was back in high school and summer break would come along and it was— I would wake up and it'd be daytime, and then I would wait for the nighttime to crash and nighttime would happen, right? I'm doing so little in the day that it's going by so quickly, even though it's like long. And like, you know what I mean? The other day I woke up and I was like, I'm gonna watch The Butterfly Effect tonight. And I was like, oh my God. And I woke up and I woke up at like noon and I said that comment to myself out loud, like Marty's dad. Yeah, I was like, I'm I'm gonna watch The Butterfly Effect. And then I was sitting on my couch at around 4 PM, and I was just looking outside waiting for it to get darker so I could turn on the movie. I was like, I can't wait till it gets darker. Yeah, I don't know, time's going by a total different pace now. And like, now looking back, like when I used to do— because this is exactly how I felt when I was, uh, junior or senior in high school and we had summer vacation. It's the exact same vibe. It's just days passing by. I'd have like a maybe midday ritual, and then at night I would play with my friends like on PlayStation or something. That's kind of what I'm doing now. It makes me look at like when we were— when I was like posting 3 times a week on my vlog. Yeah, like, that's crazy. Like, it's crazy the amount we were like moving, like, to now. Like, the, like, the amount of stuff we get done in one day. I have no— like, the people watching must have been like, how the fuck are they getting all this done? I know, like, how are they getting this done in, in one day? And like, now looking back, I was like, I have no idea how we got it done. And now it's also— I should add, I should talk about the vlog. I haven't posted in God knows when, 2 weeks now. There's just— we can't— literally can't do anything. Literally cannot film anything.

Every idea that comes up, we go, oh yeah, you can't do that. Let's have the girl who shoots the flaming arrows over the house.

Oh no, yeah, she can't come by. And it's like, and it's not— people are like, well, film like a Q&A. Like, okay, I'll film a Q&A, but I won't put that on my main channel. Kind of turn the main channel off until—

I wonder if people understand that.

I—

you, you always make that assumption that people understand there's like a certain threshold for what makes it to the main channel, but I'm not sure.

Well, like, I have like a certain standard that I have for my main channel, right? I'll meet tons of people and be like, why don't you make them longer? People just want to see you in 'Oh, Matt and Natalie hanging out.' Like, you don't have to make it all quick. And I'd be like, no, that's completely wrong. Like, I'm sure there's like 10% of people would want to see just me and Natalie hanging out, but the majority of the people, the reason they come to my videos is because they like it fast-paced. They like that the videos are short, so when they're over, they're like bummed out that there's not more. And like, I can't, I can't produce the same content under these quarantine rules because I can't be going out, I can't be filming with friends.

What will you do if this goes on for 5 months?

I don't know.

Yeah, that's a crazy thought. Because it could be multiple months that we're just kind of sitting here like, right?

It could easily be July.

I want to figure something out. I don't know. Something's going to come to me and I think I'll figure it out. Everyone, you know, you always adapt. The thing that like bums me out is like my field is like I work in a creative field and like I know that like the other people that like are like singers and stuff, they're going to come out of this quarantine with like 5 new albums each, right? Because this is perfect for them. For a singer to be quarantined, like what else do you do? You just, you know, you work on a song.

Yeah.

So I feel like, I feel like I should be taking this time and just writing a bunch of bits or, or jokes or whatever. So then when we— when the quarantine is done and we start vlogging, we can really hit the ground running. That's crazy, man. Quarantine's a fucking insane thing. I don't know. Now, how have you been doing?

Well, you know, I'm stuck here with David.

I saw you guys made a TikTok for a couple hours. I heard you make it a TikTok for a couple hours. Yes.

Yeah, we're learning some new dance moves.

Yeah, man, it took us a while. We did a TikTok yesterday. So here's the thing. I made a TikTok yesterday and usually like I won't do TikTok dances. That's like not my— that's not my forte and like content, right? Like I like making like funny sketches or whatever. Yeah, but right now there's nothing to do, so I'm like, whatever, I'll fuck around. TikTok dances are fun.

Sure.

And I made one yesterday and it took me like 2 hours. Like I worked really hard on it and I was very happy about it. Like, because, because I was— I'm not creating anything right now. So I was like, oh, I made this TikTok. I felt like— I felt like happy to like to let out my creative energy onto something. So I made it and I posted on TikTok and I was so happy that I finally made something. I posted on Instagram and on Twitter too. And I wasn't thinking, I wasn't like, I was like, I was so proud of it. But when I put it on Twitter, I got a lot of shit. People were like, what the fuck is this? What the fuck are you doing, David? Like people were getting angry at me. Yeah.

Someone tweeted me, can you remind David he's not 19?

Right. Well, I also made the caption, we're a couple quarantines.

Oh my God.

We're not a fucking teenager, you dummy.

And I call us teenagers. Yeah, but we're TikTokers. It's like, it's like a teenager.

We're also not TikTokers.

I don't know. No, I'm saying we were making a TikTok. So it was just like super teenagers. Anyway, I posted the TikTok on Twitter and I forgot like, oh my God, that's not what I— what am I doing?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, like, I, I forgot that, like, wait, this isn't the content like I'm supposed to be putting out. I'm just putting it out because I'm like, so desperate, right? And nothing against TikTokers. That's just not my thing. I'm so bad at it and I look like a fucking idiot making them.

It looked like when you watch Dancing with the Stars and the celebrity has like had like multiple arrests.

Yeah.

Now he was like getting his shot back on Dancing with the Stars. That's what it looked like, right? You did all the steps like really well.

Thank you.

Yeah, like, I watched it and that— you did the steps really well. I was like really— Charlie and I were watching, we were really impressed. But at the same time, I was like, oh my god, I'm like, there's just something so wrong with what I'm seeing.

Yeah. And like, I was so proud of it until I started seeing people being mean to me, and I was like, why are people so mean? And then like, I took a step back from it and I was like, oh right, I'm not—

people are so fucking mean. Remember that Imagine thing that came out? Obviously Yeah, it wasn't the best video.

Yeah, there's a video that went around and it was a bunch of celebrities and they were all singing Imagine and like it cuts after every line, it's a new celebrity and Gal Gadot like stitched it together and people just did not like it. They were like, how is it supposed to pay for my bills? Like, oh great, a bunch of privileged celebrities singing Imagine.

That video hit at the exact same time of the precipice of the coronavirus and everyone just took all their fucking anger out on that video. They were like, fuck this. I don't want to be quarantined.

It sucks when there's like such good intention behind something, but then you get like backlash. Yeah, it's so mean. No, I know, but I— but to be fair, yeah, the people that were mean to Gal were mean. But like to me making TikToks, I feel like that was justified. I understand I'm not the best dancer.

No, you did good.

It won't happen again.

You did hit all the notes.

It won't happen again? We had so much fun.

It'll definitely happen again. I have nothing to do. We just filmed the TikTok 10 minutes ago, actually.

Did you see the woman on the Zoom call when she went to the bathroom?

Oh my God. Yes.

So far, what happened?

There was like, you know how college kids are now video conferencing for their classes, right? On Zoom. On Zoom. And this girl must have thought that she, like, muted her screen or blacked it out so that she could go to the bathroom.

Oh, fuck me.

And she brought her laptop with her to the bathroom, which is bizarre in the first place. Just leave it in your room where you're Zooming. And she puts her laptop down on the floor, takes her pants off, sits on the toilet, and starts going to the bathroom for like a solid 5 seconds. And then she realizes and she quickly just like, you see her leap off the toilet to her computer, close it, and then the whole class is like, what happened? Oh, Jennifer. Oh, Jennifer, no.

Like, one guy just goes, he just goes, I didn't see anything. But there's a good, there's a good portion where all 16 people realize it before she realizes it. They're all like, oh, really funny.

Wait, was she pooping or peeing?

I don't know.

Yeah, but she wasn't like—

no, no, no, no, that'd be crazy, dude.

Jay, you should do a parody of that. Like, you're just taking a shit and all the kids are like, uh, Jason, your mic's still on. And you go, I know, I want to talk to you. Hey, have you ever had a— have you ever had a moment like, like when I was really young, um, I think I was like in the third grade, I remember we called the police. Like, it was my friends and I, and I dialed 911 on the phone. Like, I was like because they didn't really know what was going on. And then I hung up right away because I freaked out because I heard it ringing and I hung up so quick. I was like, oh, they probably didn't even get the call. But then the cops showed up at your house. Yeah, like 10 minutes later. And they were like, hey, who called? And fucking literally almost pissed myself. Really? It was bad. There was— have you ever had like a kid moment where you do something stupid and you're like, you think it's a lot worse than it is? Sure. Like, oh, there's another time we were doing fireworks on the tennis courts. Baby fireworks, like firecrackers. It's July 4th. We're doing firecrackers. I leave the tennis courts. Right outside is a cop standing there. He goes, give me everything you have right now. And I was maybe in like 7th grade. You know what I did next? I pissed myself. I peed myself in the 7th grade because this cop was there. I got so scared. He came out of nowhere and I just peed.

No way.

And I gave him all my stuff and I ran to like the public bathroom and I threw out my underwear. Luckily, I was wearing black shorts. So you really couldn't see. And I did that thing when I came out of the restroom. I did that thing where I was pretending— I was pretending to dry off my hands on my pants to show my friends that that's why they were wet, because I was drying my hands up. But really they were just soaked in pee.

You sell it? Did they know that I sell my pants to them? Like, did they know you pissed yourself?

Oh, no, they didn't know I pissed myself.

Never told anybody.

No, I've never gotten caught actually peeing myself.

Okay.

Or like pooping myself or anything like that. That's always been like to myself.

You did. You did shit yourself once at the mall playing mall tag.

Yeah, but they didn't catch me.

Oh, really?

Yeah, they didn't know. No, I'm really good at hiding.

Clean record.

There was one time, one quote, one time my aunt— when I peed myself and I wanted to go home, I was like in the first grade and my aunt picked me up and I thought the teachers wouldn't tell her. But since I was in the first grade, they told her everything. And she was like, you peed yourself, didn't you? And I was like, yeah, how'd you know? The teachers told me. That was the only time I got caught.

Yeah. And then what about as an adult? Have you ever pooped yourself?

No.

Headed to a big meeting with John Stamos and pooped yourself or anything?

That sounds oddly specific. Have you been having—

Every time I see John Stamos, I poop myself. He's pretty cool.

That would be my reaction too.

We were hanging out last night and I don't know about David, but I've turned into a fucking pothead during this whole time, bro.

When Jason gets high too, it's fucking crazy because Jason, when Jason gets high, he needs to like, he needs to get energy to like get up and leave or else he'll just be like sucked into the couch and then he'll get up and he'll get up and like want to leave. And then I'll be like, wait, Jason, where are you going? And then he'll be like, Should I stay? Yeah, stay. And then he'll be like torn whether or not he should be leaving or staying, and he's like fucking like moving back and forth. It's really funny.

Yeah. Hey, you know, we don't make videos. The vlog squad's just a bunch of alcoholics. I figured it out, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But have you just pretty much said to yourself, I'm going to be as successful as possible and look as shitty as possible? Is that what you said in your head? That's what you're going for, like the Adam Sandler kind of thing, right?

I feel like I look handsome today, but that's whatever. That's if you, if you think that. I think especially today, these pants I've never worn and I've never worn it with a sweatshirt. I think I look really, really good.

It is in some Nike parachute pants and a Stormi's World sweatshirt that he got at Stormi's birthday.

I got this, guys. I got this at a 2-year-old's birthday party. Stormi. Stormi Jenner. She turned— she turned 2 years old and Kylie throws on this big party. I mean, I've talked about this. It's a huge fucking party for a 2-year-old. It's great. Not too many people are invited. It's just friends and family.

Okay.

And they were giving out merch there like it was just free, right?

And like, sure, a really nice Switcher, by the way. Really nice.

Yeah, it's like really cool. First of all, this is great. And I know in like a couple of years I cannot wait till this, like, till Stormi is like 25.

Yeah.

And I can go up to her and be like, I have this from your second fucking birthday party. They were giving out like, what, 2-year-olds? You know, like, what party were you at where there was merch for a 2-year-old?

No, never.

It's great.

Isn't that the party where the Bronco broke down in front of Kanye?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was inside the party.

Yeah.

And valet runs up to me.

How many people are at this party?

150.

Okay.

Yeah, a good amount. And the valet runs up to me at Stormy's party and goes and goes, is that your Bronco? Yeah. I was like, yes. And then he's like, it stalled. And I was like, fuck. And they couldn't get it to work. And I didn't really know how to drive the Bronco either because this is my first time taking out Natalie's car. I gave it to her, so I don't use it at all.

Right.

But I took it out and it stalled right in front of all the other cars that were coming to the party. Wow. And I ran out. I just remember seeing Kim and Kanye standing at the entrance looking at the car. And as I'm running by them, I hear Kanye go, what's going on? And I go, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And I was so scared because I was like, oh my God, he's probably waiting for his car and they can't bring it up because my car's in front of all the other cars. So I told Illya because Illya knows better, more about cars than I do. So Illya hopped in the Bronco and he like got it to work after like a solid, like, minute and 30 seconds of us, like, trying all the levers, and then the fucking car finally moved and everyone else from Valet could get their cars. But that was a really funny, stressful moment. That's all that happened.

But the two most important people in the world, isn't that basically— you're holding them up with your piece of shit car.

Isn't it crazy? Well, the car is great.

The car's obviously not if it doesn't start right. It's got some problems.

But, but isn't that crazy? Like when you meet like a celebrity, like you remember the exact moment, you remember what you were like wearing, you remember what you said, you remember how the conversation went.

Yep.

But they won't remember it now. They'll never think about it. But you will remember the exact moment you were there, right? Like, yeah. Like if I were to meet Beyoncé, I've run into Beyoncé and she, she doesn't even know what my face looks like, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like, I've seen her in the flesh and I made a big moment out of it. Like, I took a disposable picture of her and it was like a really exciting day. It was at the Lion King premiere. But she maybe doesn't even remember that she, she's in the movie Lion King. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, she's at that level of celebrity. She's like, Lion King. Oh, right. Yeah, I was in it and I was at the premiere. Like, it's crazy how I remember Beyoncé and how—

who else you remember meeting for the first time?

I mean, I don't know. Like, I mean, so many people, like Robert Downey Jr., Josh Peck. I remember very well when I met him for the first time, but I think he remembers that too. The people that intimidate you the most, obviously you remember the most. You know what sucks? What? So I have 6 cavities right now.

Why?

I just have really weak teeth. I brush, I, you know, use the mouthwash, I do all that. But I just have like the weakest teeth. I've always had like cavities. I don't even eat sweets, even though like my entire place is filled with sweets. I'm usually not like the biggest sweet guy, but no sodas, nothing.

No, you don't drink soda?

No.

Have you thought about having Nick Uhas fill them in for a video?

The scientist who blows up things with ping pong balls? Yeah, maybe.

One of the funniest concepts to me is those videos, home dentistry.

What's home dentistry?

Home dentistry is like, you know, fill your own cavities. Like, don't go see a dentist. They just do it themselves. Or like tie your tooth to a rope and then slam the door, right? Pull the tooth out.

You were taking your kids' teeth out in a weird way.

No, no, I don't do that. I mean, we spent— oh my God, I spent a fortune on braces recently. So insane. Spacers and braces, retainers.

That's the worst.

Yeah.

Tell me more about the braces.

You asked. I know everything that comes out of your mouth is so interesting.

I overheard Jason the other night. His kid Wyatt sent him a song that he's been working on, and his kid goes, I want to send it to you, but don't, don't post it anywhere because, because it's not It's not— it's not ready yet. Okay. And I just thought it was so funny that, like, his son had to tell him to not post anything. It was like— like his son was like, Dad, seriously, don't post anywhere. Jason had to go, Wyatt, trust me, don't worry, I won't put it anywhere. Wyatt's like, Dad, seriously, nowhere. And then— and then, yeah, Jason. And then Jason was on the phone with Wyatt just now about like an hour ago. And Jason goes, Wyatt, I actually really loved your song yesterday. And I go, oh, the one you posted on Twitter? You mean the one you reacted to on YouTube. And you just hear Wyatt at the other end go, what, Daddy? What is he saying? And I felt bad. I had to explain to Wyatt that I was just kidding. But that was fun. Yeah, it's fun messing with you and your kid.

Yeah, it really is.

Yeah.

Oh my God. Remember the other day when my phone started dialing and I FaceTimed my son and my phone was in my pocket?

Oh, yeah.

I called Wyatt.

Yeah, that was crazy.

Yeah, and you were like, "Jay! Jay, what is going on?" It was in front of everybody. You embarrassed me. You're like, "Bro!

Dude, Jason, it's fucking crazy. You know butt dialing is not a fucking thing anymore, right?

How do you still do it?" I'll tell you how I still do it.

How do you do it? Butt dialing?

I didn't have my phone case because you borrowed it and you left it.

Hold on, timeout, timeout. Butt dialing, it shouldn't be a thing if your phones don't have fucking buttons. It's not a thing anymore. Just lock your phone and there's no way you'll butt dial. How many times you have called all of us in the friend group off your iPhone is fucking magical.

That is bullshit, bro.

One time Jason had an Instagram story that was 4 frames long, and it was because his phone was in his pocket recording him just walking down the street, and it was all dark.

It's a pocket story. It's one of my classic IGs. The first pocket story.

The first time you did it though, you actually did it on accident.

True.

Which is crazy. How do you accidentally not only shoot but upload a story to your Instagram? Well, from your pocket.

The reason it happened the other day was because you took my case. And then I didn't realize that until I got home. My— if I— my case was on it, then it wouldn't have just randomly dialed Wyatt. But I have to walk around.

What case?

What? You took my phone case.

Who cares? Why would a case change?

Because it stops it from, from dialing.

Lock your phone. That stops it from dialing. I'm talking about—

I'm telling you, if I had the case on my phone, it wouldn't have dialed because you have an iPhone.

You just hit lock and it's done, bro.

It's your fault that I called Wyatt. That's all I'm saying. And then you had to dress me down in front of everybody, be like, you're so fucking old, Jason.

All you hear is, "Hello, Daddy, hello," from his pocket. You hear that from his pocket. And dude, when I saw that, I was like, are you fucking kidding me, Jason? How is this happening?

How about this? We go to Kevin Hart's house. We're on the way and David's like, I got to think of a TikTok to do with Kevin Hart. So he gets there, he thinks of a TikTok and he's filming with Kevin Hart. And you can see that like he doesn't want to take up too much of Kevin Hart's time. Kevin Hart's really nice, by the way. And the phone keeps falling and he's like, I don't have a case. By the way, you're fucking the biggest social media influencer in the goddamn world. You don't have a goddamn case on your phone? I didn't bring my case. Okay. Okay, so he borrows my case, makes the TikTok with Kevin Hart. It comes out great. We get back in the car, we ride all the way back to the house, and I go, you have my case? He goes, oh no, that's not how it went down. I left it there. He goes like this. He goes, I said before I left, is this anyone's case? The one you borrowed from me?

I forgot. I didn't know what happened.

I literally didn't know what happened. You owe me $36.99.

So yeah, I borrowed the case. And I put the case on Kevin's table and we were leaving and I was like, he's been so gracious with his time. I don't want to— I wanted to get out of there.

I know you did.

After the TikTok, I was like, okay, it's time to leave. Like, it's so crazy.

I did too. I was surprised we were there that long.

I was like, I can't believe he let us in.

I couldn't believe he let us in either.

Yeah. So I was like, okay, cool. We're inside his house. We filmed the TikTok. We got to go. Let's go. And like, and I point to the table and I'm like, is that any of our stuff? And Kevin goes, oh no, no, that's just my car keys and stuff. I was like, okay, okay. So I left.

But why did you take the case off? Why didn't you just keep it on your phone and then—

No, I never put— I never put the case on my phone. I put the case right under my phone to balance it, to balance it.

My case was just a balancer. Yeah, wasn't even for protection.

But yeah, a couple weeks ago we went to Kevin Hart's house to film a TikTok, and it was— he's, he's so funny.

I just, I just wanted to hang out with him all day, right? He's just like so funny.

He's really funny. Yeah, good guy.

I mean, I think, I think I'm probably gonna be hanging out with him.

You think?

Yeah, I could just tell when we met.

Oh, I asked him. I said, I said, hey, I think my buddy Jason left his case there. He said, who?

He said, who?

Do you think Kevin Hart has thought about me at all?

No, no, no. Jay, we were there for 15 minutes.

You don't think he thought about me at all? You don't think he was like, I wonder who that older guy that David brought with him was? That his dad or his manager?

No way.

You don't think so?

No.

You think he thought about Natalie at all?

No, I don't think he thought about me at all after we left.

Oh, I'm sure he did.

I don't think so.

I bet he did. I think about everybody.

He might have had a fleeting moment about you, but he definitely is not thinking about whether or not you and I were there and what we were doing.

Right before we did the podcast today, David was, uh, going through his contacts, just showing off all the celebrities he knows to me. He was going through it. He was going, Justin Bieber, Howie Mandel, John Stamos.

It is really crazy.

Even threw YouTubers in to make the list look bigger. JoJo Siwa.

You know what's funny? Sometimes David will be going on this like tangent or like talking about something that's intellectual or something, and then his little like lisp will come up and it just makes him sound—

What's my lisp? Sometimes people say I have a lisp, but I don't think I have one.

No, you for sure have one. Like you stumble. Like it's not even a lisp, it's the fact that your tongue doesn't fit in your mouth, so it gets caught like in your teeth.

Today we were on the bed. Today we were on the bed and Natalie goes, ah, Quarantine sucks. You won't even kiss me. Yeah, that's what she says.

Okay, that's taken way out of context. It was, it was, it was—

yes, it's definitely, it's definitely taken out of context.

I'm seeing how it could be taken out of context, and I can't see it in context either.

It was definitely taken out of context, but she did— those words did come out of your mouth.

Those words did come out of my mouth. I said, I said, I need to go out into the world and find someone to kiss me because you won't even kiss me. So what I'm supposed to do in this quarantine time?

So that's pretty much exactly how I said it.

I mean, I guess if you would—

all you did was add to it. All you did was add your desperation to that.

I also want to kiss other people.

Yeah. Were you like, oh, okay, so not only does Natalie want to kiss David, she just wants something.

Were you like affecting like an Audrey Hepburn kind of like twang when you said it? Like, you won't even kiss me.

No, she didn't say it in like a cool way at all.

Oh no, no, I for sure did. I was like, you won't even kiss me.

We were laying in bed. We had nothing to do. We do. We just go like from couch to like— we went from couch to the beanbag to the bed and we just like lay on things in different ways. Like, that's all we've been doing.

And Natalie, have you thought about killing him at points?

No, surprisingly David's been fairly pleasant during this time.

Oh really?

Yeah, super vibey. I'm like the best person to be stuck with.

I was shocked when I came in here today and saw your attitude.

Why?

I was shocked.

You thought I was gonna be in a bad mood?

Oh yeah, the kind of person that you would think. But see, this is the thing, because David's like— David's like the king of procrastination, right? Like, yeah, he pushes things off or whatever. So when he has time and it's like everybody in the world is pushing their shit off, right? No one's being efficient and productive. So he's like, okay, like he justifies it. And if he can justify it, then he feels okay and comfortable and he'll just fucking like sit and vibe and not do anything, right?

This is the way I put it. My job is like to put and create really good energy, right? Like, and like put like make videos look fun.

I am the king of good vibes.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's how I'm saying. But imagine when you take away— imagine when you take away me having to do that. Then I'm just like, just fun. But not because I'm not like putting it— I'm not putting it towards a job. Does that make sense? Like, now I feel like I like, I save up a lot of my like fun just for when we're like doing like filming stuff. But now I can just relax and just be fun.

Be fun, normal guy.

Because I don't have to save my energy for anything. Okay, I'm just like hanging out and like there's no pressures of a job later. There's no pressures of like, okay, David, lay on this couch, conserve your energy because you're going out shooting later. Yeah, now it's just kind of like I'm just hanging out. I have nothing to do. I just feel wild. I just like feel like I literally feel like a horse that like used to be in horse races, but now he was like, hey, you can go run, run wild. But now I can even run faster than before. Like, you know, I must— I might have been in the horse races and like made to run, but now that I'm in the wild and free, I'm even running faster.

Yeah.

Does that make sense?

You're more pure. You're in the wild.

I'm being me. Wow, that's crazy.

You're also very positive.

Hey, sometimes when I make those analogies, I don't know where I'm going. I know, but I love where I end up. Sometimes, sometimes words come out of my mouth faster than my brain can like process them. Yeah, and I get surprised at what I say, and that was a moment.

Imagine being on the other end of those on this podcast. It's really tough. I just try to grab on and, and make sense of it, bro.

You just said I'm really happy. Um, the other day I was really excited about this. Diplo commented on my Instagram post, and you know how much I love DJs, and you know how much I love famous people. He comes in, he goes, you're the happiest person of all time. Teach me your ways, man. You know, things like that really make me excited. I didn't know what to respond. I just— I sat there for 5 minutes like, what do I say to Diplo?

Natalie, where's my fucking soda? Bring it in here. My fucking Chipotle. Oh, hi, Diplo. Oh boy. Well, he has a good online persona too.

Diplo? Yeah, he's fucking so cool.

Yeah. I've been hanging a ton with my ex-wife.

Oh fuck, how's that?

It's interesting.

Have you guys thought about having disaster sex?

No, have you and Natalie?

No. Stupid, why would you even ask us that?

That's awful. That's a terrible thought.

No way.

It's so funny to be just like all those old things are like coming out, you know what I mean?

It feels like you're married again.

Yeah, well, like for instance, like I brought home pizza, brought the pizza into the house, and she was like, it can't go on the counter. Don't put the pizza— like, you see, crazy rules.

Oh, you ordered pizza and then they're with corona, she wouldn't let you bring the pizza into the kitchen.

Yeah, so she wanted it on the floor.

So you put the pizza on the floor.

So now the pizza's on the floor. So now the dog's coming over like, oh, it's my time to eat, this is great. You know what I mean?

What did you do? You picked up the pizza and put on a plate?

Then I put the pizza box on the floor and I take all the slices out and put them on plates and they're like falling off because, you know, they don't fit on plates. All the pizza can't fit on one plate, right? You know, and so then you walk over and then there's still a couple pieces on the ground and the dog's eating.

The dog's already licking them. Has she been nicer to you?

Yeah, she's been super nice to me, right? I mean, like beyond, beyond nice to me. Yeah, she got me high the other night, which is great.

What do you mean, just you?

Yeah.

Wait, was she getting high?

Well, she likes to drink. Oh, and she's all— not that she's an alcoholic, but—

wow, so you guys had like a moment where she was drinking and you were smoking?

Well, yeah, I was like, I was sitting there and Charlie like turned her back to look at some squirrels that were outside, and I went like, we should get high. She was like, what? We should get high. She's like, what are you saying? And I didn't want Charlie to hear me, so I was like, we should get high. She's like, oh, you want to get high? You want to get high? And I was like, shh.

And, uh, damn, she was looking at those squirrels for a while.

Yeah. So then, uh, she she passed it to me, and then I went outside in my car. And it's really hard to get higher on your kids.

You got high in your car?

Well, like, I made an excuse, like, I got to go to my car. But then, you know how my kids are so far up my ass, like, where are you going? What's in the car? Yeah.

Do you— do you and your ex-wife, like, have you guys been— do you guys ever sit on the couch and just, like, look at each other and go, isn't it crazy how far this has all come?

Like, remember, that's what I was thinking. Like, how do you just, like, sit there and hang out with somebody that you once love that you have children with.

Yeah.

And it's just like very, like, mute now.

Yeah.

Like, you don't have that moment where you go like, isn't it crazy when we were just like young? When did you guys first meet?

I was probably like 28.

Oh, you were 28? Like, yeah, exactly. Don't you ever think like, like when we were— don't you remember when we were in our 20s? We just met. The world was so different. Like, do you guys ever talk about that?

You sound like a movie. Like, who talks like that?

Me and Natalie. Me and Ilya. Me and Ilya literally talk every fucking day. We reminisce on something from high school.

Oh, we're not that stupid. Yeah, really? Yeah, we're not, we're not that— we're not simple, like, so simple like that. Like, we're much more like fucking, bro, the glass is half empty kind of people.

Oh my god, you know what I mean?

For me to sit there and go, hey, isn't this crazy?

That's literally all I would be thinking about. Like, I even thought that with my own parents when— because they're divorced as well, and my dad would always come over, like, and he would just, like, take a nap on our couch and we'd eat dinner together, like, in my house. Right, and I was like, you two loved each other, right? I'm like the connection between you, right? How, how are you not like—

I guess at one point, you know, you don't get along, but then afterwards you go like, oh, you still love the person. I still love her.

Yeah, but it's just crazy how you guys don't reminisce about the past.

We do. She'll throw in old things like, I'll remember this, remember that, and I will laugh, right?

That's all I would be talking about. Really? Yeah, like when I'm with Ilya, that's all we do. There's a moment, there's a moment with Ilya that I bring up every time I see him.

What is it?

And it was right after high school. It was senior year. Oh my God, I'm literally tearing up thinking about it. Oh my God, you're a special kind of guy. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Well, like, it's happy, but it's like— and it was like, we, we, we just got done with high school, and it was like the beginning to senior break, and everyone was going to college. Illy and I fucking loved high school. Loved high school. Like, we were obsessed with it.

Sure.

And we were at Liquid Fusion, and we went to the bathroom and we went to pee. We peed right next to each other at the— in the urinals. We were peeing right next to each other. Yeah. And well, no, I went into the stall, he went to the urinal because I was like scared of peeing in front of people. So I was peeing in the stall and we were talking to each other.

That's a very important detail.

Well, it is just because you got to know that there was a wall between us. And, and the way that the bathroom felt, it felt like we entered a time machine. And we were like— we were like, as we were peeing, I was like, Ilya, can't you imagine right now after we're done peeing, we turn around and it's the beginning of high school and we're freshmen again and we're restarting it all over again? And Ilya goes, dude, yes!

Yes!

Maybe like for a second we were convinced that when we were done peeing, we were gonna go back in time and it was gonna be freshman year again. We're gonna start high school all over again. And I remember we stopped peeing and we— and we both— we both went to the bathroom door ready to open it to liquid fusion. And we both looked at each other like out of a movie, you know, like fucking stupid, you know, 17-year-olds, whatever we were at the time. And we were like, okay, we open this door It may be a different time. And we opened it, and we were still at the end of our senior year of high school, and it wasn't as cool as we thought it was gonna be. But every time, now I'm so happy we didn't go back in time, 'cause now I'm so happy that we continued life.

That's a beautiful story, David, and that's why you and Ilya are still friends and Marnie and I are divorced.

What do you mean?

Like, you know.

Yeah, but you're still here.

If I said that to Marnie, she'd be like, what are you, fucking stupid? You can't go back in time? You fucking idiot, take the trash out. You know what I mean? Like, we just weren't like that. We weren't like—

yeah, but you're still able to share, like, positive moments.

Oh, for sure.

My parents, like, were always broken, so like, I always knew that they were fucked up.

Like, oh really?

Yeah, like, I never— I never had, like— my mom, like, my mom was always like— my mom was the way she was. She was like always— I don't even know how to say this.

I feel always stressed out.

Yeah, my mom was always stressed, or like, not always angry. Like, there was always— there was always an issue.

Natalie trying to walk her way around the word bitch. Natalie trying to avoid the word bitch at all costs.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, you know.

That's for sure. The apple fucking sprouted and did not leave the tree.

You're not much better than your own fucking parents, okay?

Well, I wouldn't use the word bitch with my parents.

The way that I was brought up, I had a different perception of my parents than you would have. Like, you had your parents loved you. They were together.

Yeah, they'd never talk about like finances. They'd never bring up problems to me. Like, I'd never hear problems.

Really? Ever.

That's crazy.

That's really good.

I mean, I told you, I didn't know people died during 9/11. Like they told. Yeah. And I remember I've told the story on the podcast like 40 times and I was like, I was in second grade and I was like, and we were talking about 9/11 and I raised my hand and I go, well, at least no one died. And I remember the teacher.

Oh my God.

And I remember, I remember the teacher looking at me like, what the fuck are you talking about?

If you ever do a one-man show, you need to open with that story.

Yeah. I had no idea 9/11 was, was bad. Yeah, and it's crazy, crazy. And then, and then I came home and I was like, what the fuck? My parents— and I told my parents, I'm like, people died during 9/11. Like, like— and my teacher was like trying to explain to me, she's like, people died. And I was like, right, well, people in the airplane, right? Because the airplane crashed. And she was like, no, no, in the building too. It was a lot. And then I went back to my parents, I was like, what the fuck? You guys lied to me. And then they told me that Santa wasn't real. That was the same time I found out about Santa.

Well, Dave, this is a good podcast. Why don't you, uh wrap it up for everybody, give everybody a silver lining right now.

Well, moral of the story, guys, is people grow up in different situations, you know. Some people have different upbringings.

Are you looking out the window? What are you staring at?

I'm just, I'm just reflecting on everything. No, no, no, but whatever. I don't even know what I'm trying to say, but just make sure you wash your hands, stay safe. We'll see you guys next week, next week of quarantine and The Views podcast. We'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff. Bye.