We Apologize for Being Idiots

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason, my friend, is sitting across from me and—

He hasn't showered. He's old. His girlfriend doesn't respect him. His kids don't like him. He's a jerk. He's 45 and he's dumb. Which one is it gonna be, David? Which one?

I feel like we can use this intro for the next 7 podcasts because you stole all my ideas. Literally, I'm out of notes. That's all I had.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

It was gonna be the kids one today.

Oh yeah, let's go with that. Go ahead.

Okay. What's up, guys? Welcome back to The Views, the podcast where Jason's kids don't— you motherfucker. Okay, just roll the drums. Roll, roll the intro song. Hi guys, what's up? This is The Views podcast. This is Jay. This is David. And that's Jason over there. Hey guys, right before we started this, Joe, you know, Joe, our editing guy for the podcast, Yeah, he was— he would tell me a fun story. He was— there's a bunch of people working— that— not a bunch, there's 2 people working in my living room right now. Yeah, they're, um, they're, they're installing speakers into the ceiling. Yeah, and we were all in here talking and Joe was in there editing with his headphones, like really loud, and he knew we were all in here in the podcast room. So while he was editing, he let out like the biggest fart. Oh, just like the loudest fart. And then he took his headphones off and he turned around and he realized there was a guy on a ladder right behind him.

That's what you get for going to other people's houses and launching farts.

That's the worst.

What the hell?

Yeah, you— I mean, you do deserve that. What do you— how do you recover from a situation like that?

I mean, I think workmen have seen it all. When you go into someone's house, you know, you're bound to see somebody nude.

Have you ever passed gas in like a very bad moment? Like, what's the worst moment you've passed gas?

Definitely when you have headphones on. I've been on the treadmill and I farted, and then you're like, I don't know if it made noise or not. You know, you're like, shit, I hope that didn't make noise. Hey David, I'm gonna be in Phoenix this Sunday.

Hey, shut the fuck up! Why are you plugging yourself like this?

I have to, I have to.

We had a good thing going.

Yeah, we did. Okay, let's get back to it.

I never want to hear you talk about— you can go ahead, tell people.

I'll be in Phoenix this Sunday, that's it. It's stand-up live, come see me, that's it.

Oh my god, you just wanted to ruin our fart conversation for your stupid show.

You move on all the time. You move on so quickly on stuff. We have bits all the time on here that could go for another 5 minutes. You're like, by the way, I was at a saddle ranch last night.

Okay, what's more important to you?

Partying with Chad.

What's more important to you?

You.

Exactly, so stop talking about your show.

Huh?

Because gas, Joe passing gas is a lot more important than your Phoenix show this weekend.

What did you have to add to it?

Nothing, I just wanted to see how you felt about gas.

That's why I moved, oh, you wanna know how I feel about it? Yeah. I don't fart much anymore. No, as I've gotten older, I've gotten control of it. When I was younger, I also used to eat a lot more.

Wait, what do you mean control? You never had control when I was— okay, seriously, good. Jason has a Phoenix show. Yeah, this weekend. Go check it out.

Yeah. Okay, thank you. Um, when I was—

it's gonna suck.

It's gonna be really good. It's almost sold out. Can you fucking believe that?

Well, yeah, you— there's only 30 seats available.

Playing the library. Free show.

How many people?

It's $490.

That's really good.

Yeah, I'm psyched. I couldn't believe it.

I was like, all right, you also, you also told, you also put all of our faces on the banner and said, hey, any of these guys may show up too.

John Stamos. I got a call from John Stamos's lawyer. Cease and desist.

You put Jennifer Lopez on the flyer because we've worked with her once. Hey, Jennifer Lopez may show up. I have a, I have a good relationship with her.

I was in the same room with her once. That is not true, by the way. Just because I now have to clarify everything with everybody because people People don't know when you're kidding anymore. I don't know what's happened to society, Jason. We literally had a bit the other day.

So Jason. Jason has a live show and Trisha was gonna tweet as a joke. She was gonna go, I'm not coming to your live show anymore, Jason. Like she was gonna tweet that at him. And Jason goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll lose ticket sales.

Then I said. Then I said, no, no, do it, and I'll. I'll. I'll write back.

At first he was like, no, don't tweet that, Trisha. But with that, people won't show up.

Trisha was like, I'm not gonna do that, I don't wanna get shot. No, when she was gonna say she was gonna go, she was worried about someone coming to kill her.

Trisha doesn't want people to know that she's coming because she may get shot. But what were you saying?

I don't know. What were we saying? Oh, I was saying that it's so hard now to like, when you joke around, people don't know you're joking. Like we did this bit the other day where Scott, instead of buying Josh baby gifts, he bought alcohol, and we were all like, We even said like it was a joke and everybody was like, I can't believe Scott.

Yeah, it's—

yeah, it's hard.

It's hard for people to find out what jokes are.

Well, that's why I said I did not put that on the flyer. Yes, I've done this 100% myself.

No, but yeah, there's 490 people going to the show. That's amazing.

Massive following.

It's in Phoenix and I'm excited. I may stop by.

Probably won't, but I may stop by.

Yeah, I hear you have a big party that night. You're a party guy now. You know me.

You naughty boy. I've always been like a party guy because I always film. I've always gone to a lot of parties. Why are you saying like that?

No, I don't know. I saw you the other night without your camera.

Actually, it's never happened. Where did you see me? That way.

You were somewhere without your camera, and I was like, oh, this is weird. I thought you were like gonna end it all.

You see that? The Paris's first nude restaurant closes for lack of business. That's fucking disgusting.

Paris's first nude restaurant?

Paris had a nude restaurant. That's an interesting story. Like, it will serve its last naked meal on February 16th.

Let's go!

That is insane. First of all, I think it's disgusting. I have this weird thing where I can't eat— this is, this is serious, I'm not just making a joke— I can't eat and watch attractive people. Like, if I'm like— I always have to turn something on the television.

Yeah.

And it can't be an attractive person.

Uh, you eat around me all the time.

I, I actually eat the most around you. Yeah, I'm most comfortable when eating around you.

Be serious, I'm kind of good looking, right? For a guy who's like 45.

If I'm being serious, be honest. I think so. Yeah.

Okay, thank you.

Yeah, you appreciate that.

You're pretty—

I don't know how the fuck your hair manages to stay in your head.

That I got lucky.

Every time I shower, I'm telling you this right now, every time I shower, every time I go back into my head to like, to like, you know, wash it, yeah, 5 pieces of hair are on my hand.

That's stress. I don't think— I don't think it means you're losing your hair.

What does it mean?

Because it happens so much that by now I've been monitoring your hairline since I knew you. Yeah, and it hasn't—

it hasn't moved.

No, it hasn't moved. You're good.

Okay.

And I saw your dad's hair. It's actually— well, what was your grandpa like? Your mom's— your mom's dad? Oh, I'm so sorry, David. I didn't— do you want to take a break? Yeah. Can we stop recording?

He, um, I think he had a good amount of hair.

So then you're good.

Yeah, I think that's just a rumor. No, on your mom's side.

Oh, my mom's dad was flowing.

Flowing?

Yeah, he's like Rod Stewart.

Sorry, what were we talking about just before we start talking about how beautiful you were?

My favorite Phoenix show. Oh, I have a couple of cool—

no, we definitely weren't talking about that. Oh, we're talking about the Paris restaurant. Oh yeah. So like, I have to watch videos when, um, when I eat. Like, I always have to turn on something, like anything. Like, I just had— I, I just hit the button on YouTube or whatever. I'm just like, play something. And every time it's like a gorgeous woman. I cannot watch it.

Why?

I don't know what it is, but it ruins my appetite.

Like, you want to focus on the woman? Like, you can't— it's like sexuality and eating, you can't cross?

Yeah, I don't know what it is. I can't— like, I can't Yeah, I can't look at a woman and eat. I don't know what it is.

How do you go out to dinner?

That's totally different.

On a date?

When I'm like— that's totally different. But like, I can't— I don't know why. I don't know what it is. I cannot watch a good-looking person while I'm eating.

So what do you put on? Uh, somebody like gross?

No, no, I put on like— I put on like something with not good-looking people. Yeah, like someone's vlog.

Doesn't have to be disgusting.

Yeah, no, like I'll put on— look, this is not to be offensive at all, but I'll put on like your vlog.

Sure.

Or I'll put on Scott's vlog or Casey Neistat's vlog. Yeah, but I can't. And then like I'll be watching Casey Neistat's vlog and then I'll have like a model in it and then I'll be like, fuck, I gotta turn this off. I don't know what it is.

What?

I don't know what it is, but it sounds bizarre. I know, but I stop eating.

I wouldn't even like— it wouldn't even register with me. I would just be so into my food.

I'm yum yum yum yum. I don't know what it is. It's very—

I can't lose weight.

Anyway, the naked— that's why the naked The naked restaurant.

That's why it shut down.

Yes, because people can eat. No, I think that's so interesting. I would never— would you be able to eat in a naked restaurant?

French people are a lot better looking, so I'd be fine. I mean, I wouldn't go there a lot. Can you just go and watch?

Go there a lot?

Can you just go and watch?

Just ask for a cup of water?

Yeah.

Like, I'm not eating. I'm just here to— just here to glance.

Can you go clothed?

Can I have a couple— can I have a glass of water and some tissues? Because I'm just going to be masturbating today. Thank you. No, I don't know if you can go and just watch. I think you have to eat.

Do you hear about this social currency thing in China?

No, what is that?

This is crazy!

Okay.

Pretty much, okay, so it's like social currency. So it's like, if you're like a— they have cameras everywhere, and by 2020 this is gonna be everywhere. And so like, if you're like a good citizen, you get good points. So when you go to a hotel, you can, you know, you get like, you can get like a free room. But if they like catch you like littering or something, Are you fucking serious? Your score goes down and you won't even know. So imagine like me, I'm like walking about, you know, being an asshole. Like, I walk my dog without a leash sometimes, right?

Are you kidding?

David, I'm not kidding. This is everywhere. And like, then you'll go to the hotel and you'll be like, or you'll go to buy plane tickets and be like, oh, you can't buy plane tickets, your score is too low. Like, that is happening in China. And like, shit like that's always happened in China, but this is like—

What type of government is China?

I think it's like student council.

It's— what is it?

It's a dictatorship.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is.

China, isn't it? It's not, Joe. Is it? I guess we don't know.

Here's where everyone's gonna fucking kill us on Twitter.

This is where people are gonna fucking destroy us. This is it.

Why did you ask that question, you dumbass?

Because I wanted to fucking know.

You know we're both fucking idiots, so don't ask questions like that, you stupid shit.

I fucking hate that. I hate that. I hate when we get somewhat political and we fucking make guesses about things and we always go Listen guys, we don't know shit about politics, but we're about to talk about it. And then I go on Twitter and people are like, you are so fucking wrong. And I'm like, no fucking shit, jackass. I fucking started the sentence with me not knowing shit, but I'm trying to fucking entertain you and talk about shit I have no idea about. Stop being on my ass. This isn't NPR. This is The View's fucking podcast where we talk about nothing.

Yeah, God, barely got this episode up today.

So I don't know what China is. It can be a fucking vegetable garden for all I know. I don't know. I don't know what's going on there. All I know is that social system Sounds very weird.

I was staring at a wall for about 45 minutes before David came in.

Goddamn.

Don't start with us.

Jason and I were playing patty cake for 40 minutes. We're not fucking idiots. It's just some little thing sometimes.

Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, so anyways, I just thought that was really interesting.

No, that is super— that's so strange.

Bro, it's just so crazy. We're so lucky we live here.

But I mean, who knows? That could fucking show up here. That sounds like an episode of Black Mirror. I mean, honestly, it probably is an episode of Black Mirror.

Can't go to the best hotels. They can take your dog away.

They can take your dog away.

They can ban you from the kids' best schools if your score's too low. So if you like—

your kids would have been gone by now. Your kids would not be anywhere.

They'd be panhandling downtown. They can throttle your internet speed.

What?

So they'll be like, oh my god, why is my internet working not as fast as it used to? Oh, because you littered today.

That's so fucking stupid. I also feel like that's so, so far ahead. It's like, I don't think that's gonna happen at any time soon.

2020.

Bullshit.

It's already in effect, David.

Really?

Yeah, there's— and then the people who are good are like loving it. They're like, sweet, oh, I gotta upgrade my hotel. They'll just give you an upgrade because you have a good score. Really? Everybody has a score.

Uh, you know, maybe it's not a horrible thing.

Be great for you.

Actually, no, it's a— why?

You'd be killing it.

You think?

Yeah, you don't do it. Oh, well, actually, no, I actually don't do a lot of bad stuff. No, no.

What?

Well, I mean, like, just like— well, the other thing is posting too much on social media. They get you.

Oh, they do?

Yeah.

Wait, what?

Posting too much on social media, reporting fake news.

Reporting fake—

I mean, like, think about it. Like, if the cameras were on you and they saw you, like, what you were doing yesterday. Yeah, trying to— you were trying to explode a champagne bottle with playing cards. Oh, that would fucking take you down, dog.

Wow, you're right. So every time I use my flamethrower, yeah, I'd lose a flight.

And then how you treat me.

Oh yeah, awful score. I'd be in prison.

And I am already in prison, so I'd be in a fucking straitjacket. How fitting. Um, wonderful. Well, I have one other story that I thought was pretty interesting.

Don't want to hear it yet because I want to tell you guys about Squarespace.

Oh, good job.

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I'm gonna build Wyatt a website, my son.

What's the website gonna be about?

About his guitar playing.

Yeah, not too many visitors, huh? It's gonna be a— it can be kind of like a private website.

Wait till you're shut out of the fucking stadium, dog, when your name's not on the list.

I can't wait.

When you're trying to come backstage.

That'd be amazing if your son ever starts like playing stadiums and I'm just like that fucking douche who never believed in him. I would love that. I actually don't want you to invite— I want that to be an ongoing joke where I'm genuinely not invited to any of his concerts, like when he's like a big star. And I've just talked him down for so many years.

Charlie was going to make a TikTok last night and she was like, she wanted to— she was— the line was, um, uh, wash a monkey. Yo, what's that song? A Phineas and Ferb theme song. Yeah.

So the line was, giving a monkey a shower.

Giving a monkey a shower. She came into me and she was like, and you know, we have that giant painting of you on our wall. She came in and she was like, she's like, She's like, I'm giving a monkey a shower. She's like, what if I like scrub David's face?

What a fucking asshole.

And I was like, I was like, yeah, you can do that. And Wyatt was like, no, no, no, no, don't do that. Don't do that. That might hurt his feelings.

Oh really? Funny. Yeah, those kids are too nice. I don't know.

They're good kids, guys.

If you hear noises in the background, it's because I'm adding a new security system to my house because there are still some kids that like to show up to my fucking house. It blows my mind. And I have, I have installed dart guns, so the second you step on my property, it's gonna shoot you in the neck and you'll be— and you'll be— and you'll be— you'll be passed out, and I will come and Jason will teabag your face. Yeah, while you're passed out.

And these, these balls, guys, they've gotten really low. I barely even have to squat anymore, so just, just be ready. My balls are so low right now.

No, no, but actually, please do not show up to any of our houses. I don't know why people do it. I don't know why people do it, because they hear me say this. There's someone listening to this right now that will show up to my house. Yeah. And it's like, and it's the worst because they always show up to my house and they go, I know, I know you hate this. I know you don't want this, but I'm from out of town. I'm like, I know, so why are you here? Do not do this.

Yeah.

Like, what? It's just like, I can't do that. You know how fucking terrifying it is when someone shows up to my house at 1 AM? And, and it is and they're knocking on my door. Like, that's the worst. It's so terrifying.

Did that happen at 1 AM?

It happened at 3 AM. I just— I just didn't want to say 3 because it sounds a lot scarier.

Did you answer or just let it go?

No, I had to tell them to leave because they were just standing there and they're giggling outside my door. I was like, please leave. I have no idea what you're doing here. Oh yeah, and then people will DM me and they'll be like, we're outside your house, come say hi. And and I'll just be like, I'm not, I'm not answering this DM. I'm not. I'm gonna call the police.

Yeah, I saw two kids one night, and a guy and a girl, and I just rolled up and I was leaving and I was like, hey, how's it going? And they were like, they're like, good, we're here, we're just hanging here. And I go, just hanging here, huh? And they go, yeah.

And my street is not a place you go to, like, it's not, it's not a street you find randomly. Like, you not— you have to look for it. So if you're like a kid on my street and you're just sitting there like, I know what you're doing on my street, right? Like, it's just like— because this isn't a street you just like— you're driving through to get somewhere else. That's not how this one works.

Yeah.

And it's like— and then, yeah, and then those kids are trying to pretend like they were just there, right? Like they ran.

Yeah, they're real defiant about it too. Yeah, it's a public street, we can be here. And I was like, okay, well, I hope David doesn't get shot. Lots of fun, man.

But yeah, well, that's okay.

What about all the good fans that don't come?

No, I mean, let's get positive. I should say that I love meeting you guys, just not out in front of my house. I genuinely do.

We do love meeting all of you, and I love it when— I love when you ask David for a picture and then someone goes, oh, Jason, we'd like one. Do you want one too? And I'm like, no, that's okay.

When they feel bad for you.

Yeah, that's my favorite.

That's the worst.

When we do the meet-and-greets, that's really funny.

Trisha, I have a story about Trisha the other day.

Oh boy, Trisha.

Trisha is Jason's girlfriend.

Oh, the love of my life.

I forgot. She really— she's gonna kill you for that joke. Yeah, she's, um, she really needed to pee the other day, and so we went to our friend Jonah's house, and we got to the house and she didn't want to use their first bathroom because someone just had pooped in it. So she was like, I don't want to go there because someone just pooped and the seat's probably all warm and it probably smells like poop. So I'm like, okay, So I'm gonna go ask the mom if Trisha can use the parents' bathroom. And I ask the mom, I'm like, "Can Trisha use your bathroom?" And she's like, "Yeah, go, go, go, go, go, it's okay." And I think she misheard me. So Trisha goes to the bathroom and she runs out screaming. And she's like, "I just walked in on her husband taking a shit." And she starts fucking sobbing in the back of my Tesla, crying 'cause she's so stressed out. And we're all like, Trisha, it's fine, it's fine, calm down. She's like, please drive me somewhere else, please drive me somewhere else. She's fucking like losing her mind about this. And I'm like, what did you see? Was he masturbating? And turns out he was just sitting there on his phone, but she was so scarred by it. She's so scared of poop. What is that?

Yeah.

She's so scared of it.

Hey baby, how are you? I love you.

She's, um.

Just wanna say hi. I want to fight today. So when I see you, I love you. Not fighting anymore.

No, but that was very— she was crying for, I think, a good— what was it, like 10 minutes?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I think it was something maybe from her childhood about poop, or someone must have thrown it because she can't poop. She doesn't. It scares her to see poop. Maybe it's connected somehow. Yeah, we'll have to get into it.

Yeah, she doesn't like when we talk about her poop though, so we should just stay away from this. And then our friend, our other friend Brandon, who— how would you describe Brandon?

Brandon's this really funny guy, and— but he's a hypochondriac, and he's really— he hasn't— he can't figure things out for himself. Yeah, he has a hard time.

He's a smart kid, really smart, but, but like these easy things he can't— he's like, you know what he is? He's like, he doesn't have street smarts. Yeah, like at all.

Yeah, I think there's a lot of kids his age like that.

Yes, he's a very smart kid, like very book smart. He would definitely be able to tell us what kind of government is in charge China.

Yeah.

Um, but, um, but when it comes to like easy— like, okay, let me just tell you this. The other day, like a week ago— I'm sorry, Brandon, that we're saying this— he called Jason and he was like, hey, um, do you know how to— how, how I can buy a flight to New York? I want to go to New York, and how do I, how do I make that, how do I make that work?

Yeah, he texted me.

He texted.

I was in— I was, I was baffled because things like this have happened quite a bit with him where he's like, he'll call you and he'll be like, uh, I left my wallet at— oh, this is what we went to a hotel.

It's a hotel. It went to a hotel once. This has happened 4 or 5 times.

He was like, when you leave a hotel, you have like a plastic key. And he's like, what do I, uh, what do I do with this? Or like, if we, we were already—

no, it was, it was We— the hotel gives you a key to access your room, right? And then we were leaving because we have to catch our flight. So he's in the car with us, we're 20 minutes to the airport, and then you'll, you'll hear him go, oh, fuck! And then we'll go, oh my god, Brandon, what fucking happened? What happened? And he goes, I forgot to give my hotel key back. They're not gonna be able to enter the room. And he'll like freak out about the hotel key. And we'll be like, dude, it's fine, they'll just make an extra copy of the key. Like, you're not gonna get charged for it. Yeah, it's a piece of plastic. Like, they don't, they don't care. But he'll like freak out, freak out about that. And then he couldn't book a flight to New York. Explain that.

Yeah, he just texted me. He's like, how do I— I want to go to New York, how do I book a flight?

Yeah.

And I was like, go online and go to an airplane company.

It's such a funny question because it's like, it's so simple but it's also so difficult to explain. Like, it's like, yeah, because it's so easy to do, it's so hard to explain. It's like, what do you mean? Just Google Flights. Like, go on Google and type in flight to New York and then click buy. Yeah, put your credit card in and then it's yours.

I don't know.

That's so funny. I wanted to fuck with him and I wanted— I wanted— I don't know how I would do this, but next time he goes to the airport by himself, I want the people at TSA to go, hi Brandon, or like, welcome to United. Do you have your Apache? Like, I wanted to, like, create some random fucking word. So Brandon calls Jason frantically and goes, bro, they're asking for my Apache.

What the fuck? Oh, shit. Yeah, let me— I have one. Let me run my Apache down to you. I could be there in 20 minutes.

Jason drives down to the airport to give him this fake Apache. I just want to fuck with Brandon. Oh, that's so funny. It's so interesting. Good for Brandon. I like— I think that's really cool that he's figuring out things about his life.

Yeah, we have a lot of— we have a lot of friends like that.

Yeah. I mean, listen, We can't fucking talk. We don't know. I think, I think China's— I'm going to guess, is China communist? Is it?

Oh yeah, it is communist.

Yeah, it is. I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to fucking offend anybody, but is it communist?

Yeah, it's a communist dictatorship.

Okay, I'm pretty sure it's a dictatorship. Or is it the same thing? I think it kind of is.

I don't know. Why are you making us sound stupider and stupider? We had moved on from this.

Okay.

We could stop the podcast and look it up. No, if you want.

Okay, fuck it, stop the podcast. Okay, I just looked it up and China has been a communist country since the year 1949.

Oh, very good, David. We're learning over here today.

Great. Hit it, Jason.

Doberk University. Check this out. Dad creates app that freezes your kids' phones until they answer your texts.

Oh, that's stupid.

You can shut your kids' phone down.

I heard about that.

You did?

That's brutal.

Why?

Because that's, that's a little like, I don't know, that's like fucked.

You know what? I agree with you. That's like my, my whole parenting thing is like, I could be wrong. My kids might be monsters, but like, I've never had to ground them. Why would I ever ground them or anything? It's so fucking weird. Why do people think that works?

Well, I was thinking about that the other day. Do your kids have chores?

No.

That's kind of weird.

I guess so.

I feel like that's kind of weird. I was thinking about the other day. I'm like, they get all these gifts. And they don't have chores.

Well, their chores are getting straight A's. Brag, brag, brag.

Oh, I guess you're right. I guess you're right. I guess if your kids are being good, I think your kids are an exception because they are, they are just good and you don't really need to parent them.

I guess, but I'm kind of lucky.

But like, but like kids like me, I don't know, maybe chores are what pissed me off and what made me like, right, go apeshit, which is what made you want to be devious. It was, it was that I had to go to taekwondo when I didn't want to. I had to. I played piano for 5 years. And I would have to go to church.

Oh yeah, I would never make you do any of that.

Yeah, but, but to be fair, I think that's what made me who I am, right? Is like being angry at stuff like this, like made me, made me like create, like carve out my own path, right? Rather than like being like, okay, Dad, now what?

Right? Since you had something to, to rail against.

Yes. I was like, I don't like this. Like, I got to figure out my own way. So I'm going to do this my own way. Like, I think that's what me hating the things that my parents would make me do, I think really helped me.

So this giant house that you live in is all due to taekwondo and piano.

Wow. Going to church every Sunday.

Are you any good at piano?

No, I fucking suck. And I went for 5 to 6 years. And it was weird because my piano teacher and I had like this like unspoken thing where we know— where we knew every time I walked in, I didn't get any work done.

Oh, wow.

And he'd never be like, you haven't practiced. He'd just pretend like Really? Yeah, he would just— because he knew I didn't give a fuck. He would just pretend like, okay, okay, let's, let's practice this again. Oh, like I'd never make any progress. And he would just be like, okay, let's— and he wouldn't— yeah, he didn't care.

Well, from what ages did you do piano to when?

I don't know. I did it like from like maybe like 5th grade to like freshman year.

And what was the final straw in piano?

I don't know. I think I started— oh, I started playing tennis. Ah, like more and more tennis, right? And I was doing high school tennis and I just didn't have time. Um, but that, that was other than that. And I've said this on the podcast before, the first time I went into piano, I remember it was at Harper College. I went in for one lesson and my parents were like, if you don't like it, you don't have to do it. That's what they said. And listen, I came out of there and I went, I fucking hated it. And they went, they went, try one more time and we'll see how you like it. And I went, and every time I hated it, I would cry about it. And yeah, because my parents weren't okay with me doing nothing. Right, that was like, that was like their big fear.

How'd you get good at tennis? Did you have lessons?

I liked it.

You just started playing?

Oh no, yeah, lessons. That was one of the things my parents I think forced me to do, but I actually enjoyed it.

Like, I actually really go to that little club we went to that day. Is that the club you went to?

Yeah, I went to a club, Libertyville Tennis and Fitness. Best club, best club in the Hill. Speaking, speaking of best things, guys, ZipRecruiter is an incredible, incredible place to find people if you're hiring. Um, starting the new year off strong by going to ziprecruiter.com/nash to hire the right people is what you guys should be doing. Unlike other job sites, ZipRecruiter finds qualified candidates for you. Its powerful matching technology scans thousands of resumes to identify people with the right skills, education, and experience, and actively invites them to apply to your job so you'll qualify candidates fast. That's why ZipRecruiter is rated number 1 by employers in the US. This rating comes from the hiring sites on Trustpilot with over 1,000 reviews. And right now our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ziprecruiter.com/nash. If you love the show, show your support and show your support. So show your support to it and ZipRecruiter by going to ziprecruiter.com/nash. That's ziprecruiter.com/nash. ZipRecruiter, incredible way to hire.

That's where David found Natalie.

That's amazing place. Go, go check it out. What were you saying, Jason?

Oh, um, I wanted to tell you that I think that I am about to quit all of this.

Okay, well, I'm gonna ignore that, and I'm gonna give— have you ever brought food into the bedroom? Sorry, Joe just handed me a piece of paper.

Are you kidding?

Joe just handed me a piece of paper and said, have you ever brought food into the bedroom?

Like, my biggest fault.

I don't even know why he asked me this.

I haven't.

Oh, sexually?

I thought you meant just like eating.

And have you ever brought food into the bedroom sexually?

No, I don't eat a sandwich and fuck my woman.

No.

Is that what you mean?

I think he means like whipped cream.

Oh, like put whipped cream on your nitties?

I mean, on your titties. Oh, your nitties.

I tried to say nipples.

Oh no, he means sandwich. Have you ever brought a sandwich into your bed sexually?

Put the sandwich— eat the sandwich while you're having sex?

The only sandwich I bring into the bedroom is this footlong. Fuckin' shit. Jason looked at me like, "I don't like that. I don't like that at all." Okay, Joe, why are you asking us that stupid question? You know what, fuck it. Joe, I'm gonna give you time to explain because this next segment is called the Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's where our friend Joe, who edits our podcast, gets 25 seconds on our podcast instead of us paying him to edit our videos. And on 3. 1, 2, 3.

What's up, weenies? I have—

I just want to come in and straight up right now and thank us.

No, I don't have anything prepared for today, and normally I come in— when do you ever have anything prepared? I always come in prepared. You did some visual gag one week. Yeah, that was hilarious. And then I did the smelling gag, and before you know it, who knows what I'm gonna be doing next week.

Dude, you're— you fucking suck, Joe. That's all the time. No, the worst is— the worst part is, is that he sits around like 4 hours prior to these waiting for us to do it, because it takes me a while to get like the podcast started.

Sure.

And he sits around for like 3 hours waiting for us to do it just so we can have that moment. I don't know, man. It's a waste. Guys, sorry.

Your Twitter or something.

Next week he won't be on the show. Oh no, last week with Joe's teeny podcast.

Talk to yourself. How could you do everything prepared.

Jason, what is the weirdest thing you've brought into the bedroom other than yourself? Uh, I would imagine that would terrify the fuck out of you.

Pretty weird. Yeah.

What's the weirdest thing?

I've had whipped cream on your nipples. Yeah. Oh, not on my nipples, on someone else's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I brought whipped cream, just eating spoonfuls of whipped cream.

That's what I thought he meant. I eat in bed all the time. Sure. Awful.

Do people still eat yogurt?

Yeah, they do. And I was— I'd be— I'm upset too about it.

I was just thinking about that because yo play used to be like a big thing. Like all those like slimming yogurts, right?

Yeah.

Weren't they like a huge thing? I don't see that anymore.

Now the yogurt style, it's stacked. You don't go to the grocery store, but I do, and yogurt's strong.

Oh, yogurt's still strong.

Yogurt's strong.

I don't watch television, so I don't see any commercials anymore. Yeah, that's crazy. So I literally don't see anything.

Big thing with yogurt now is you have your mix-ins.

What's a mix-in?

So that it comes with a little tin and you pop it in.

I've always had that. That's what I used to eat in Slovakia. So it used to be vanilla yogurt. Yeah, with like a little chocolate, chocolate, these chocolate balls. Yeah, and I used to put them in and it was the best.

Kids like—

yeah, you see this? There's a security camera that caught a prowling suspect licking the doorbell for 3 hours.

Oh yeah, I saw that.

You did?

Yeah, I saw the news story. What the hell? Where was that?

It was in California.

Oh my god, that's that Ring doorbell that everybody has. That's what you get now. Wow, when you buy Ring.

I wonder what that's about. Who would look at for 3 hours?

People are capable of anything.

That's amazing.

Quite honestly, I'm watching this great show on Bravo called Dirty John. Yeah, fascinating.

What is it?

It's this guy, it's a true story, it was an LA Times story, and this guy was just like, he like took off. I don't know, I'm watching it right now. He basically like married this woman and she— and like lied to her and then like, I don't know, had this crazy record and was able to fool her into marrying him and like taking all her money.

Wait, he lied to her about being a criminal?

Yeah, like he never told her and she married him like after 2 months. And what was interesting about it was like, people are so lonely, you know what I mean? Like she was this rich woman, she'd been married 3 times, and like she just looked past all this fucking shit that you should've clearly seen.

And why was he marrying her, just to steal something?

Yeah, just to like steal her money. I haven't gotten to the end of the episode yet.

Is this a true story?

Yeah, it's a true story. It was a podcast on LA Times, and I started listening to it, and then Bravo turned it into a TV show. But I'm in that— I'm in that weird phase now where I'm like, I could go read what really happened, but then it will spoil the show. Yeah, you know what I mean? So I can't tell you the end.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, but I love shit like that, like boring stuff. Your vlogs.

Oh, let's talk about that. Yeah, our idea for today.

Yeah. Yeah. Hey guys, it's Joe from Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. Sorry for the interruption, but the boys wanted to make note that this next The next part is not gonna be able to happen, but it is fun just to hear behind the scenes and the ideas and yeah. Okay, enjoy.

This may be a stupid idea.

Yeah, what do you guys think of this?

I think this podcast goes up before the vlog. No, actually don't tell us what you think of this 'cause I don't wanna hear it 'cause we may fucking end up doing it. I just called SeatGeek. I'm waiting for a callback. Basically, I asked them to give me $100,000. And I'm gonna have Jason go, and I'm gonna have him gamble it on one color.

It was the funniest call because the guy at SeatGeek, Ian, was like, okay, David, let me make a call.

So he's gonna— he's gonna give me $100 grand. I'm gonna have Jason go gamble it in Vegas. I'm not even gonna go with him.

Why are you not coming?

I think it's kind of fun.

It is fun for me to come back.

Yeah, I'm gonna have him go by himself, and I'm gonna have him come into my living room when he's back at night with the suitcase. And in the suitcase, I'm gonna see if I won $100,000 or just lost all my fucking money. And if I won, the next day we're gonna go straight to the Ferrari dealership and buy a brand new car.

That's really rich person gambling right there, sending your friend out to gamble.

The reason I'm like down to do this is because the only reason I have this money is because of my videos.

Sure.

So like, I'm like, you know, normally like I'd be like, that's a stupid way to waste your money. But, but that, that is why I spend—

and we're trying to get another video.

Oh yeah, it's for the video, right? Yeah, like, yeah, like I know a lot of people be like, you're throwing out your money, but like unfortunately that's what my videos are, is a lot of them are like these very cool, interesting things that you would never see.

How are you gonna feel if you open that briefcase and there's nothing in there?

I don't know. I don't know. And I think that's like, I don't know. I don't know. And I might— the part that I'm worried about most is like looking like an asshole. Not looking at it, it's like, that video's gonna fucking suck if we lose. It is gonna be the worst video when you come back and I open that briefcase and there's not a single thing in there.

It's like not a video for your channel if you lose, 'cause your videos always end on a high note.

Always end on a high note, but I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to do win or lose.

That's crazy, what if I win and you never hear from me again?

That's just as funny. You never come back. No, I mean, I don't know.

That was the funniest joke that Heath had in your other last vlog. We went to Vegas. He was like, what if I took the $20,000 and you guys never heard from me again?

We won $20,000. He's like, what if I just ran away with this right now?

Dumped all of us for $20,000. It's just not a lot of money.

Never came back. No, I mean, I think, yeah, like the way I justify it is it's like like, it's like a vid. It's not just one video, it's like something that, like, it's like, oh, like, have you ever seen David's vlogs?

Yeah.

No, what is it? Well, one time they— it's like one of those videos. It's like, it's not even like, it's not even like just one video, it's like a big story video.

It's a big story.

Yeah. And it's a package for sure, which I find this is like one of those videos that, like, I will be so excited to show other people if we win.

Yeah.

If we don't, I want it fucking so far from me. Yeah. I don't know.

I think it's funny when I—

what do you think of the idea? I know it's not rational, and it's like my parents will call me like, there's so many better things you can do with the money. But like, but like, I can't— I agree that there's so many better things you can do with that money, but the reason I make that money is because I make these videos.

Yeah. And like, you know, and you could be listening to this right now being like, what a couple of fucking idiots. But the nature of like trying to come up with— like right now, like that's all we can think about is this one idea.

Yeah, because once you have like your mind set on one idea right, it's so fucking hard to leave it. Yeah, until you see it through, right? I think that's the situation we're in right now.

And what's our other option?

We don't have one right now.

Go film Joe's toenails.

Go, go, go film Jason and Joe's toenails. Yeah, but another good way to pay for that $100K that I'm about to lose is by talking to you guys about Stitch Fix.

Stitch Fix been sending all kinds of clothes to my house.

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I gotta go to Vegas. I agree with you 100% that for the videos, yeah.

Yeah. Do you think it's like stupid?

No, it's, it's a great idea because think if you win, that Ferrari is gonna give you so much more content too going down the road.

It's like another flamethrower, literally going down the road, no pun intended.

Yeah, but is that the best way to get the Ferrari?

No, it's not. There's better ways to get a Ferrari for sure, but this is just interesting.

Drop it into the backyard.

It's just, it's just really interesting.

There's been so many like YouTuber stuff going around here lately. I'm like, I can't even process it all.

What do you mean?

It's just like there's a mariachi band and then there's a chef, there's a mime. We're turning Natalie's room into a beach. It's like, holy shit, let's just do a video where we like—

yeah, my last video was like a chill video. So now I think it's time to amp it up. I don't want to lose that money. Oh my god, this feels stupid. I was confident about the other one. This one feels like an actual gamble. Like, about the 10 grand, I was like, no problem, we're gonna fucking win, we're gonna get it.

We don't even know if we have a casino.

Yeah, we don't know if we can do it.

So you guys may never see this video. Yeah, these guys said my name on a livestream 100,000 times yesterday. Really? I don't know if they competed it or not, completed it or not. But I saw a small clip and I gotta say, this is the fucking best shit I've ever seen. It was so awesome because it was just like, they're just two kids.

So these guys on YouTube said your name how many times?

Supposedly 100,000. And someone, someone typed, why I can't believe—

what color you guys— what color is the shirt the kid's wearing?

Okay, black.

Okay.

Oh my god, dude, black. Holy shit. Because before this podcast, we said we're gonna bet on black. Look at this.

Oh my God, they're both wearing black and a black hat. Okay, fuck it. Yeah, go, dude. You got to do it. Go to Vegas.

Anybody want to come to Vegas?

Bet it on black.

Am I going alone?

Okay, so there's this video of these kids saying it 100,000 times.

Yeah. Oh, the connection. David and I are in fucking Gamblers Anonymous next month.

No, we actually never gamble. We don't gamble unless it's—

no, not at all. I never gamble.

No, gambling's fucking stupidest fucking thing in the world, but this is just, this is just so stupid that it's fun. Yeah, okay, good luck, Jason. All right, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. We're gonna see if Jason does it. Yeah, if it doesn't happen, it didn't happen. Yeah, and it probably won't happen because I doubt we can get that much money out from the bank anyway, but we'll see.

Yeah, okay, okay. I'll come see me in Phoenix Sunday.

We'll see you guys later. This has been a Views podcast.

Bye.

My name's Jeff.