Ruining Jason's New Tesla

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason has a new piece of merch on that he made.

Thank you, fanjoy.co/jasonnash.

It should be backslash ugly. Oh, thank you Joe.

How much did you pay him for that laugh?

Nothing, we don't pay Joe anything. That's why he does such a poor job doing everything. Maybe we should start paying him. All right, let's just start the intro podcast. Fuck, damn it, I fucked it up. All right guys, we're back. This is Views Podcast.

What's up, David? How are you? Good to see you again. Good news, David, we have 12 seconds in the can and we're ready to go.

That's amazing. I feel like we're almost done with the podcast at this point.

Just need another 39, 48, and we're good.

What, you think people listen to the entire podcast?

Yeah, I think they do listen to the entire podcast.

What part is their favorite in the podcast?

Probably the teeny weeny.

The teeny weeny?

Yeah.

You know what I love about this podcast?

Probably the part where you berate me.

Hanging out with you. I wouldn't—

I would never get to hang out.

I wouldn't switch that for anything. It's, it's nice seeing you so much, so often. And it's like, you know what, we, we rush around all day, so it's nice to be able to sit down with you for 40 minutes, right?

Kind of talk, just, just relax, kick back without the cameras. Yeah, and get to know each other a little bit in a one-on-one situation.

A lot of people underestimate you.

Well, I think so. I think, I think that, I think that's true.

I think you're a lot cooler. You know when people meet you and they say you're a lot different in person?

Yeah, people say that a lot. People say, you're a lot— you're a lot— they go like this, they go, you're a lot taller. They said that. Or they'll go, you're not so bad. Yeah, I get that a lot too.

We were at the Grove the other day and we were with our good-looking friend Jeff, and this girl comes up to him and she goes, you're a lot better looking on the videos. Yeah, yeah, which is kind of a weird thing to say. And then, and then I go, what about Jason? Is Jason better looking in the videos? 'Or in person?' And she goes, 'I prefer the podcast.' So she was, um, I think she was trying to insult Jason and say she doesn't like Jason in any place. And then what I did next, we may want to cut this out of the podcast, I beat her with a Wet Floor sign that I found nearby because no one talks to my friends like that. I think she's still— guys, if anybody is at the Grove near Nordstrom, there's a little closet. I kind of just I threw her body there after I hit her with the wet floor sign.

I don't know if we want to keep Jason.

I actually fucking laughed my ass off and I fucking high-fived her because fuck Jason. No, but yeah, that was a nice insult. The other day we got Jason a car.

Thank you, David, again. It was truly an amazing gesture.

This is the first time Jason's saying thank you.

Is that really?

That's what I wanted to confront him about. So ungrateful. He spat in my face this morning.

All I care about is myself, I'll be honest.

No, he actually sent me a really nice text. I want to read the text. Because, um, that's private. It's private.

No, don't.

I'll skip, I'll skip the ball, the ball tickling part.

Yeah, let's leave that out though.

Okay.

Okay.

David, I cannot thank you enough for putting your cock in my mouth.

Oh, that's, that's a different text. That was something else.

David, I cannot thank you enough for the car. You are beyond generous, but more than that, you have taught me so much about life. It is humbling that it comes from someone so much younger than me, but I am so grateful that I have such a friend, a leader, and brother nephew in my life. You've made lives for so many people, most importantly me and my two annoying kids who can't react on camera. Amen. His fucking kids can't react on camera.

We showed them the car and they were not excited.

I thank God every day for what you've done for us. There are no words from the depths of hell from which you brought me. Lol, wish I had said this before you bought me a $100,000 car, but I will always be here for you until the end of time. Make sure you read this out loud to Jeff and Natalie to see if it makes Jeff tear up. I love you. I'll be back Saturday night.

'Let's shoot Jason.' Did it make Jeff tear up?

No.

Uh, he's stonk. No, I'm kidding.

It actually didn't make us— it made us pretty emotional. It was a really nice time.

Then what happened after, in the car, after you read it? Did you read it out loud?

I read it out loud, and then we like talked about you.

What'd you say?

I was like, you know, he's a good guy. And like, I was trying to defend you because Jeff and Natalie came at you right away, and they were just like, you know, he's using you, right? And I was like, no guys, he's not. No, no, we are. I don't know. I don't know what happened. I think ABBA came on on my shuffle and I think I kind of just— I think I turned up Dancing Queen.

Sure. Rather than have a real emotional moment.

No, that was really sweet. I love texts like that. That's—

that's nice.

My favorite part about, like, gifting someone anything is the text I get afterwards. I don't know. I've said this before, but it's like my favorite part.

You have another one you could read? Alex? I would love to hear Alex's.

Oh, Alex Ernst.

Yeah.

Okay, this is from after I got Alex a Tesla.

Oh, this is so interesting.

He goes, he goes, are Superchargers free? No, I don't know where that text is from, Alex, but that's really funny. No, those are my favorite is getting those texts because those are— I feel like those like mean the most because it's like, yeah, that's like the private moment. I'm always so bad at like, like when I give someone like a car or something, I'd never know how to like react myself. Like, I'm always so awkward because they're like, thank you, thank you. And I'm like, mm-hmm. I'm just always just like sitting like, I don't know, I don't know how to react.

Yeah, well, it's an awkward thing to do. And then I thought it was funny how soon I went from no, no, no, no, no, I can't take this, to like, I have a fucking car.

Did you—

they go, Natalie, borrow my car. A couple days later, I was like, where's my car?

Did you expect me to surprise you with a Tesla, or did you expect me to surprise you with a car?

No.

Come on.

Swear on my kids, deadass, 100%, with all my truth in my heart, looking deep into your soul until you feel so awkward you get off this point.

You've never— you've never—

I would never expect— I would never— no one, no one sits there and goes, oh, I'm next, especially that car, because that car is really expensive. It's way more expensive than the other cars that you bought everybody.

Oh, you see, you're expecting like a cheaper car.

I would— no, I know, because I know you know that I wanted that car.

Yeah.

And so you weren't gonna like go out and get me a Ford Explorer. And so that was— I was absolutely—

'Cause I've been around people that like, they're not like super my— like they're not really my close friends, but like they'll be like friends that I went to school with. Like I've heard people like bring up cars in a way where like they're trying to get me to hear it.

Oh really?

Like I've been back home and like someone will go, yeah, like the new Kia Stinger. It's just so cool. I wish I could— if I could afford a car, that would be like— I've heard people say this in front of me, like, that's the car I'd get if I could afford it, the Kia Stinger. Like, I can't afford it right now because I have like— I have a bunch of student loans, but that's the car I'd go with.

And I'll say it right in front of me, and I have it in some YouTube videos before, and people say I'm pretty good on camera and I react pretty well. But yeah, I can't get the car right now.

People love me on YouTube. Yeah, but I'm— it's so crazy because I'm actually free right before one of your posting days. I'll be just sitting at my house.

Oh, that bums me out. If you think for a second I thought you'd get me a car.

Oh no, no, no, I didn't. Oh no.

And we were at the test. I was a week before and I was like, because literally you had said—

the reason I'm asking you, it isn't because like, because like I thought you were hinting at it ever. The reason I'm asking you is because I feel like you were the most deserving of it. So I was like, I was— I wonder if you ever were like, oh Hey, where the fuck is my car?

No, no, I like being someone that didn't get the car because I thought I was so close to you.

You're so close to me that I, you know, I wouldn't—

you wouldn't need to get me like my mom. I don't feel—

can I also say why I was scared, like, to give you a car? Why?

Because of my reaction?

No, not— well, partly, but because, because you're with me so many times when we like do these car surprises. Yeah, that I was scared that you were gonna get the car and you were gonna feel the need to cry.

Right, right.

Yeah. And I was like, I was like, I really don't want him to like fake a reaction in this car. Like, the last thing I wanted is you, because I know you can cry on command. So I'm like, I'm like, he's gonna fucking cry and I'm gonna see right through it. I'm gonna, I'm gonna know it's bullshit. That's what I was worried about. So I was really happy when your reaction to it was, was, oh, it's about fucking time, David. Like, it was like, your reaction to the new car was like, was very on like on point with like It was so true, so genuine.

Oh, good.

And yeah, and I was, I was scared that it was going to be like—

I was so stoked when I saw that thing in my, in my driveway.

I was scared that it was going to be like, like, yeah, it was an incredible weekend.

I was at a beach house with my ex-wife. Yeah, just hanging out. I'm grilling burgers.

Incredible.

With my past life.

Sure.

Her friends were there that I used to see all the time.

Any spark with your ex-wife?

No, but we got along really, really great. We went running.

Yeah. Jason stayed at a house.

Why does everyone think this is so weird?

How much was the place?

It was really expensive. I'd rather not say.

Okay, it was about $1,500 a night. That's crazy. Nights, 3 nights. But, but how much was it actually? $1,700, right? It was $1,700 a night.

Yeah, but look at it this way, look at it this way. If I had flown back to Boston with my 2 kids, that would have been money.

If I had to take my dad, my sister to dinner, you're literally going, look at it this way. If I took a private helicopter ride with my family, that would have been money. If I took the private jet to Hawaii, that also would have been money.

No.

So I settled for the next richest thing I could possibly do. Get a house in Santa Barbara on the beach where my dog can run freely. You don't have— you're comparing apples to apples where you're comparing like one rich thing or one expensive thing to the next.

Bro, you have kids. You have to take them on planes. I mean, you don't have kids. You don't know what it's like, how much you spend on stuff like that.

My family had kids. Never spent $1,700 on one.

Are you honestly begrudging me, someone who has a Ferrari in his driveway?

No, listen, no, I'm only saying this to you because you're so like, you're so cheap with your money. That's the only reason I'm bringing this up.

But you don't understand, like, you don't value this. Like, you're right. Always, always, my entire dream, my entire life, that's your Ferrari on the beach. That is my Ferrari, right? To wake up, to wake, to go to sleep at night and the waves are crashing next to you. It, it's like smoking crack. Yeah, it's literally like—

I've never smoked crack.

I haven't either. So I haven't either, but it's like, it's like you're on drugs the entire time. Yeah, it's like, it's like you're drunk.

Like, I've also— don't you keep coming— you literally went from, okay, let me do a different comparison, not crack. It's like being on drugs. Okay, well, no, I understand it. It's like, it's euphoric. No, I totally get why you spend the money. It is just a lot of money. Yeah, it is, but it's just crazy.

Like, blur— it's like, it's— no, it's worth every penny.

No, I believe you. I believe you, and I'm happy you did it. I just think it's— I just think it's fun to see like where you've gone from like, I have no money from the beginning of this podcast to $1,700 a night vacation. Like, that's pretty cool. That's— that's a good thing. It's not a bad thing. I know, I know, I know. I'm painting it like a bad thing, but I don't mean to. It is— it's impressive. It was a beautiful house.

It was so nice.

Yeah.

And then I made a video while I was there, so that made some money.

Sure.

So that was good.

Yeah. And then you— then you bought your son 3 new Apple Watches.

I didn't. They're done with all that stuff. I don't buy them that stuff anymore.

Really?

They have They only have their old iPhones now. That was—

that was their old iPhone X Maxes.

That was when I was getting divorced and I wanted to win them over.

Jay, what do you mean? This was fucking 4 months ago.

No, that was back at Bellingham. That was like 2 Christmases ago. I got them an iPhone. I got them iPhone Xs.

Well, regardless, it doesn't matter.

But no, I'm just saying, like, I haven't been buying them stuff at all.

Why?

Except for music lessons.

The son—

$1,700.

Why? His son lost his— he's lost his glasses.

Yeah.

Right when you got there in the ocean.

Yeah.

Which is funny. And then you guys were looking and couldn't see.

Yeah, like literally can't see. Like, I walked up to him on the beach and he was like, who are you? And I'm like, it's me, Dad, you're back. Yeah, so he lost his glasses. And right, right when— well, I was grilling, and then my ex-wife Marnie was— I had a couple drinks and she just went, why is David texting me?

Oh yeah, okay. So I texted— so I was coming up to surprise Jason, and I, I knew that the surprise was gonna be blown, so I texted his ex-wife saying I'm coming up. I want to scare Jason. I told her that I want to scare him, right? Because I knew if I said surprise, she'd fucking tell him right away, right? And the next text I get back is, I told Jason. That's literally the next text. I told Jason. I'm sorry.

And I told her not to say anything.

I was like, the first text was, don't tell Jason. It literally started out with, don't tell Jason, I'm coming up. That's what I said, right? That was the text. And she told you right away.

But it went like this. It went, why is David texting me? And I went, What's wrong? What's wrong? What happened? Something happened. What's wrong? And she was like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. And then I grabbed the phone and I was like, ah, fuck. So I thought you were just coming up to, you know.

So that was rude, but it didn't matter because he didn't know I was coming to shoot him with the paintball gun. So I shot him with that and I surprised him with the car and it was all fun.

Yeah.

I was glad. And then you took your kids to camp. What's with this camp that they're going to?

Oh, they went to some disco rave camp, I guess, in the middle of—

What is that? Explain that to me. They're not allowed to use phones.

No phones. They get there, there's like rave music playing, there's bubbles, bubble machines. She said it's like a visa for kids.

And how much is this camp? Go ahead, say it.

Should we just go over all my finances this podcast?

I'm curious.

It's a lot.

Yeah, it's a lot. It's like a— it's like a California—

like, it's like $2,000.

Wow. Each?

Yeah.

Holy fuck.

Yeah, it's really expensive.

Wow.

But like, I didn't even—

how long is the camp for?

A week. Marty just told me about it. She's like, oh, they're going to camp. And I was like, oh, they are?

I was like, okay, and what's a week? I feel like a week isn't a long time. What are they gonna do there?

Well, Charlie's taking trapeze and Wyatt is learning how to fence. Why? That was one of the categories, actually. Yeah, you know, all the— you remember we were on the phone and I was calling and the guy goes, uh, and he— and I go, and what's your name? And he goes, my name's Snacks. And I go, oh yeah, what? And he goes, Snacks, my name's Snacks. And I go, okay, Snacks, like that. Well, apparently all all the counselors have crazy names.

Oh wow. Yeah, it's like an Apple Store.

Yeah, have you seen the people that work at an Apple Store? Do they have names?

Well, yes, they do have names.

Do they have funny names?

No, but they're all, they're all really like individualistic people. Like all of them have like tattoos and they're all like really like expressive people.

You think?

You've never seen this? Go to an Apple Store. Every employee that works there, it's not like, it's not going to Wendy's or McDonald's. It's like every person there looks like they're an artist of some sort, like a musician or like a painter. Like they're tattooed, they have like gauges in their ears.

Really?

They wear like cool— yeah, they're all very individual.

They're a couple like that.

Yeah, that's how I post— when I imagine your kids at camp, all I can think about is, uh, Cheaper by the Dozen when the families are competing and one family goes to like a shitty house and the other family is at this like beautiful fucking estate. That's what I imagine your kids like camp like is like just the most expensive, luxurious— like, they don't, they don't go canoeing, they just go on yachts.

Yeah, no, it's not like that. But I was, I was saying goodbye to them, and, and it was like I wanted to go to the camp just for, like, comedy's sake. It's just such a great— it's like what you always say. Huh?

That sounds illegal.

I wanted to be a counselor. It's like what you always say about high school. Yeah, it was just everything was instantly so funny. Like, I said to one of the dads, I go, I'll give you $100 right now if you go on the bus and tell your son. Scream. That he forgot his diarrhea medication. And my friend Paul, who's a dad, he was like, done he's like, I'm doing it. And he started to get on the bus, and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Because, you know, a lot of the moms don't like me. And.

No, I don't know this.

A lot of the moms don't like me.

Why?

You know, because of my. Whatever. Whatever I do all day for my job and stuff.

They don't like the YouTube thing?

Yeah, they don't. They don't care for it. This is like Hollywood elite, like, you know, there's some moms there, they don't care for me. And so I was like, don't do that.

These are like wives of like actors and producers and directors.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're directors and producers themselves.

They're like people that I don't know, but I know.

And they look down on you.

And they look down on me, which is fine.

Yeah.

Because I drove off in a fucking new Tesla after they left. No, I'm just kidding. But so I said to him, I was like, go on there and say Dylan Stefan, you forgot your diarrhea medication. And he's like, I'm doing it. He's like, that's hilarious. He's like, Dylan won't care at all because his son is like His son loves jokes like that. He just wouldn't be. A lot of kids would be embarrassed. Dylan wouldn't. So he, like, gets on the bus and he's like. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. He's like, why not? Why not? It's hilarious. It's hilarious.

You don't do like that. You don't embarrass, do you? Do you embarrass your kids?

Oh, I would never get on there and embarrass. Why? Like that? Never. Because certain kids can take it and certain kids can't. Like my friend Jeff. He has. He has a kid. You could say that to him. If it was you when you were 12, you could take it. You would be like, oh, that's hilarious, Guys, that's right. I have diarrhea.

No, I get really— I get really embarrassed. Like, parent stuff.

You got embarrassed the other day at the movie. I thought you were mad at me the other day at the movie theater.

Okay, well, we are at the movie theater. Well, we are— we are going to—

I was like, oh, fuck, I fucked up.

We went to— we went to— we went to— I bought tickets to Toy Story. It was $70 for all of us to go, which is nothing compared to what Jason spends on a day. So I'm sorry. I sound cheap. No. So I went to—

he's arranging for cabanas at Lollapalooza right now. He— I heard a conversation earlier with Natalie about cabanas at Lollapalooza, so don't talk to me about spending money.

Okay, so anyway, I bought tickets to go see Toy Story All of Us, and we were just there to see the commercials because I'm— I'm— I have a one-line in a new Angry Birds movie, and we wanted—

oh, it's on.

Oh, it's on is the line. And we wanted to see if the trailer was playing and if I could see myself on the big screen in the movie theater. For the trailer for Angry Birds. And, and Jason goes, before the trailer started playing, he goes, he goes, I'm going to announce that you're here. It was a full fucking theater because it was a Sunday and it was Toy Story. And he's like, I'm going to announce that you're here.

I was fresh back from vacation and he got me the new car. So I was like, I got to really work hard now.

Yeah.

Come up with some ideas.

He's like, I'm going to stand up and I'm going to— we were sitting front row too, because those were the only seats available because it was literally a full fucking theater. And he goes, I'm going to stand up right now and announce that David Dobrik from Angry Birds is here. And I, and I got so fucking serious and I go, Jason, if you stand up and do that, I won't film the rest of the day. Like, I got so—

that wasn't the moment I was talking about. I was talking about the other time when I knocked all the things over.

Oh, yeah. So, so, so I don't like doing— I don't like doing like public disturbances because it feels super like douchey, like douchey YouTuber. And I don't want to get that reputation from like random people. So I try to avoid that. So anyway, we watch the trailers. My trailer doesn't fucking play. I was like, great, I wasted my money and my time. We sat here for 30 minutes. We even bought popcorn for this trailer, so it was a waste. So then the next day I look up another Showtime for Secret Life of Pets. I even call in. I'm like, hey guys, this is sort of a big deal calling you right now. I'm in the new Angry Birds movie. I'm in it for a line. Is the trailer playing before the movie? And they go, yeah, it is. It's playing before Secret Life of Pets. So great. So we drove over to a completely new theater, and when we're in line getting tickets, Jason goes, turn your camera on. And I go, fuck. Every time Jason tells me to turn my camera on, it's such a bold thing to say to someone.

Yeah, turn your camera on, something great's about to happen. Ever good.

It's never good. And he told me this in front of a bunch of people that were like asking for pictures with us. So I was like, fuck, I got to do it because I don't want to like say no to Jason in front of all these people. But I also am going to be really embarrassed about what Jason's about to do. So I turn my camera on and I pointed at him and basically he goes, he goes, tell me that. Tell me that we don't need to, we don't need to buy tickets because we already have them. So I'm like, Jay, you don't need to buy tickets. We already got them. And he's like, oh, okay. So he comes back and he trips over the— what are they called? He trips over the ropes, the ropes that divide the line and knocks over all the fucking ropes.

And I didn't know they all were going to go down. Yeah, they all thought one would went down.

They all went down and made this loud crash.

Everyone in line, like 10 ropes. There's like 100 people there because they're all connected.

Yeah, there was like 100 people there buying tickets, and they all looked, and I, and I put my camera down immediately because I got so fucking awkward.

And I was like, and I was on the ground like, ah, that was a great bit, he's gonna love this. Yeah, he comes over and he goes, he goes, what the fuck are you doing? Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking serious that you would do this? And I was like, oh no, I fucked up.

It was, it was really funny, but I hate doing stuff like that just because I'm like, the last thing I want to do is like have like this like douchey rep where like someone tweets about me like, yeah, he came into this, he came into the movie theater and they just fucking made a complete scene. But it was really funny and I'm so, so glad he did it. I just get really nervous with bits like that. And then we went to the movie to watch my line.

You know what's funny too is I'm so old now that the guy who came over was like really concerned.

Oh yeah.

When I was younger, he came over and he was like, oh, are you okay?

That's what saves me is that you're 75. That's what helps me out. If it was like, if it was like Todd doing that shit, right, people be like, get the fuck out of here. But no one in their right mind would think a 45-year-old father of two is doing pranks at a movie theater on a Monday morning. So that's what, that's what makes it all okay, because no one, no one thinks you're kidding. Everyone thinks it's serious.

He was like, are you okay? We don't want a lawsuit. I was like, I think I'm all right.

So yes, then we went to the movie to watch the trailer, and the trailer starts playing, and I turn my camera on. I'm so fucking excited. And turns out it's a fucking different trailer. They swap you out. They cut me out of the trailer, and they swapped out the trailer, and I wasn't in it. So once again, I wasted my money going to see a kids movie.

Guys, if you do go to a movie this week and you see David in the trailer, let us know what theater Please fly out.

Even if it's in fucking Oklahoma, I'll fly out.

I want to see myself on the big screen and I want to tip the popcorn machine over there.

Yeah.

Hey, David, turn your camera on.

Turn your camera.

I'm going to hold everyone hostage.

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Um, a bunch of times.

A bunch of times. Yes.

How many times was it exposed on the car?

A bunch.

12.

12. Yeah, yeah, there's a bunch of penises all over the Tesla there. I had, uh, our buddy Blake wrapped it, which is really nice. And I got to the shop, it was, um, I got there and it was 8 people at least 8 people that had to wrap your car. So it's 8 people that were staring at your nudes.

Wow.

Which I already was like, fuck, I fucked up. I shouldn't have had this many people staring at this guy's fucking naked dick. And then I got there and Blake's like, okay, I have an idea. So can you, in your video, can you, can you plug us by going follow our Instagram page where you can find the uncensored picture of Jason's of the car? And I go, no. They wanted to post the picture with your dick and everything out as if you were like a character from like like a cartoon where that was okay. I was like, no, no, this guy, this is a real person here and this is real penis. Like, you can't post that. And I was like, no, we absolutely can't do that. So they're like, okay, okay, you're right. And then I had to, and then I had to make sure, like, and then one of the guys came, came up to me, he's like, can I post this Insta story? You can only see his penis for like a second right here. And I go, for a second? That is his penis. Like, you can't post. I don't know why.

There's a thing called pause. They may not know about it.

They were talking about you as if, like, as if like you weren't a real human.

Yeah.

Like, We can post this, right? Jay wouldn't care if his nuts were out. And I was like, no, we can't do that.

It's just Shrek.

Yeah, it's just— he's just an ogre.

It's Shrek's balls. No one cares.

He's not a real person. And I was like, no, you cannot post his real penis on Instagram.

That was good of you. Thank you for protecting me.

Yeah. So I got really worried about that. I'm like, fuck, these guys are going to post his dick and his dick and balls are going to be everywhere. And I knew you wouldn't care.

Yeah.

But like, I still was like, was like, no, this is not okay. And then, and then it was like 11:00 at night and we had to drive your car back.

Right.

This was really scary. 'Cause we had to drive your car back 20 minutes in the middle of the night with your penis out. So we put little pieces of tape over your penis, right? But it was like see-through tape, so when you shine a flashlight on it, you just saw everything. So it wasn't the best. And I remember we were on the highway and I said we had to have been going a little over 100 because we couldn't— we couldn't drive by any car because it looked like when you would shine your, like, flashlight— when you would shine your headlights on it, It just looked like you were having an orgy with yourself. So we had to drive and we had to time and we also couldn't stop at red lights.

Yeah.

So we were like timing this drive perfectly, like where we wouldn't stop at red lights. So we would slow down and then speed right through a red light so we weren't stopping intersections. I remember we drove by like a barbecue and it was just crazy because it was fucking 11 PM and it was like, like, like 6 families having like, like they were grilling in a neighborhood grilling at 11 PM. And I was like, we have to take the back roads. But like the back roads drove right by this fucking park that had barbecues. So I was like, fuck. So we had to speed by, speed past there. Um, and then, and then we drove by a gas station that was just literally all teenagers like that, that watch the videos. And they were all sitting by a gas pump, like leaning on the car. And we drove by and they were all waving to us. I don't even think they, like, they knew what the car was. I don't think they had enough time to like figure it out, but they were waving to us and we just fucking sped out of there. So that was, That was a disaster, getting your naked car. It's crazy. We were driving around with your nudes on the car. Yeah, and I— you're the only person I could do that with. Yeah, there's no other— there's no other person in my friend group that I know have their naked body on my car and they think it was okay.

You're welcome.

Yeah, I guess.

What's wrong with me?

No, but that's not great. You thought it was funny.

So I did think it was funny, and you had me fooled the whole day.

Yeah.

Oh, I was, uh, You know, I'm struggling with my weight always.

Of course.

So I made myself some pasta the other night, and I had— I had, uh, it was a real wake-up call, literally. I had the first bowl, and I didn't have too much.

Yeah, a small bowl. You're pacing yourself.

Yeah, ate it, still hungry. So go back and have a second bowl, and a little bit more than the first bowl. So I was like, uh, okay. And then go to have my third bowl.

Oh wow.

Yeah, and I'm walking away from the stove And the bowl flies out of my hand and smashes everywhere.

Why did it fly out of your hand?

I think it was a sign.

You think it was a ghost?

I think it was a ghost.

I think it was your buttery fucking fingers. I don't think it had anything to do with any spirits.

And then after that, I was like, I was really mad that I smashed the bowl everywhere and my mom and I had to clean up the glass. But then I was like, this is, this is a sign that I need to stop eating so much.

Was it gross?

What do you mean?

Eating the pasta off the ground? Because I know you did it after. Oh, Mom, fuck, I'm gonna have to eat all this pasta. I don't want it to go to waste. Yeah, that's pretty—

well, I hate how you get full.

I'm— I tell you this every time we talk about your weight. You have to stop trying. It is— no, the— you know what it is?

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna have a heart attack.

You know what it is? You're gaining weight because of the stress of losing weight. I think that's what's going on.

No, I think you're gaining weight because I don't have time to go work out because I'm sitting here looking at you, looking after your ass. Ass all day. I think you're waiting for you to podcast.

I think you're stressing out so much that it's literally— you're trying to lose weight so bad that you're gaining weight.

Tell the people the truth. Tell the people the truth that you keep me here for hours.

I shove Snickers down his mouth to make him fatter. They're happy now. I don't know. Yesterday I went to your— I was looking for a phone charger.

Yeah.

And I found a Reese's Peanut Buttercup wrapper and a Snickers wrapper in your bed. It's like you just went—

where I do my best work.

You just went trick-or-treating.

I do every night.

That's fucking crazy. Speaking of trick-or-treating, there's this— we have like this guy come to the house to wash the cars.

Yeah.

And he goes— today he goes, you, you, you were part of the best Halloween I've ever had. And I was like, what? And he's like, my daughters and I came trick-or-treating to your house and you offered them baguettes because you didn't have any candy. And then you gave me a beer. And he's like, that was the best house I've ever visited. So thank you. That was so funny that he said that. The other day we went to the Lion King premiere.

Yeah, we were there last night.

Really cool. I heard Beyoncé was there, which was— I was surprised. She's in the movie, but I was still surprised she was showing up.

Don't you think she's required to go to that?

Yes, I think so. But I still think it's like, dude, when— so like when you're on a red carpet, like, like you're already pushed out of the way when people in the movie are there. But like, so like let's say like Seth Rogen was coming, so they let Seth Rogen walk the carpet first so he doesn't wait. So Seth Rogen goes straight to the carpet, takes pictures. But when Beyoncé— when Beyoncé comes, they clear everything. Yeah, I mean, it's like, it's like everybody gets pushed to the side. It's fucking crazy. It's like, it all— it literally felt like I was telling Jason, it feels like someone is landing from a different planet. She could only be here for 10 minutes, so we have to make sure she's treated like incredibly— it was insane. Yeah, it was just insane. It was like, we were pushed to the side. Everyone had to like— which I totally get because everyone wants fucking a second with Beyoncé.

You think she's the only celebrity like that right now?

I know, I think there's like 5 or 10 of them that are like elites. No one. I think it's just Beyoncé. I was totally fucking kidding.

Yeah, cuz when I was at the Spider-Man premiere, like, Tom Holland just got out of his car, walked up, and people went nuts. Yeah, it wasn't like, no, I sat down the hatches.

I think Beyoncé— Beyoncé's done something that like, I think she's like godified herself. I don't know what has happened, but she's like a god to a lot of people.

Really?

Like, she— I mean, she is.

I don't know. I don't know what she does.

I think she's like a singer.

She—

you don't know Beyoncé?

I mean, I just don't. I just don't. I don't follow her at all. Like, I know she's— I've seen her perform on Letterman once. She was really good.

She's insane at performing, but she's really— she's something else. She's not even like a— yeah, you got that pic last night you wanted, and I took a picture of her on my disposable camera.

Were you happy with it?

And then Erin walked into my house and she's like, you're gonna get sued. They're gonna kill you for taking that picture of Beyoncé. And I got really scared because I was like, oh my God, are they gonna fucking kill me? Are you allowed to take a picture of Beyoncé?

You didn't think you got it, but you got a good one.

Oh my God, I was so happy. The second podcast called Joe's Podcast.

I'm already here, guys.

Fucking Christ. He has 25 seconds to say and do whatever he wants in return for editing our podcast. In 3, 2, 1, action.

What's up, weenies?

Today we're gonna be doing Joe's hot yoga.

Thanks for everybody signing up. How are you feeling today? Really great, Joe. We love coming here in the morning at 7 AM on the golf course. The heat isn't working So I'm just going to blow hot air onto you with my mouth.

It was fucking disgusting.

How does that feel? This is what I pay for, Joe. You give the best yoga classes in all of Temecula. Okay, well, I'm sorry your mom's here, but the next part is it's naked hot yoga, so we got to take off our shirts.

Jason, I don't—

wait, this wasn't in the script.

It smells like garlic now because you just blew into all of our faces.

Is that an Italian joke? Because I'm Italian.

No, that's a fucking disgusting use of my fart joke. Um, that's all the time we have. Thanks, Joe. Joe actually put 25 minutes on the clock on accident, so that's why the timer didn't go off.

Joe's breath is interesting.

Yeah. What is it? What is it?

It starts out great and then ends like horseshit.

Really?

Yeah.

Joe, can you breathe on me just so I can tell people what your breath is like? Oh my God.

The coolest part about that is that my breath was in the left speaker and then it probably went to the right speaker.

Yeah, dude. Holy shit. That's something else.

Great teeny weeny once again, Joe.

You know, you know, there's one thing that you should never do and you should never turn down a piece of gum. Did you know that rule? Anytime, anytime anyone ever told you that, that's just like a life rule I live by. When someone gives me gum, I don't, I don't, I don't, I hate when, hey, when I offer someone gum and they go, oh, does my breath stink? I hate that. That's like the least favorite.

Yeah, that's annoying.

I don't know. I was just giving you gum.

I don't know. I don't like that either. But, but I'm going to offer you gum now, like every hour on the, on the hour. See what happens. Yeah, no, I should have never told you that.

I'll take it. I'll just keep chewing. You're gonna keep bothering me. I'm just— I'm not gonna even be able to open my jaw anymore.

Do you want some gum?

Yeah, I'll take some now. I can't say no. It's my fucking—

oh fuck, I fucked myself on that one.

My kryptonite. Um, no. What's, what's your, what's your most embarrassing sports story?

Most embarrassing sports story?

Yeah, mine was when I was pantsed on a baseball field. I've told you.

Who pantsed you?

My dad. I told you. I love how you forget everything.

It's a gag. Yeah, like to be funny.

Yeah, but my underwear came off.

And what did he say? Stupid fuck.

No, he laughed.

My most embarrassing baseball story was when my dad would stand behind me when I was batting and critique me and make me so nervous.

What'd he say?

He'd be like, you took your head out. What are you doing? Why'd you swing at that?

Wow.

Kick a trash can.

Did he ever call you names?

And then we would walk out and someone would go, hey, Bob, why don't you go easy on him? And he'd go, fuck you, Ray. And then you get in the car and you go, you know I love you, right? And I go, yeah, I know. And he's like, fucking Ray, what the fuck? Mind his own fucking business.

Wow.

Asshole.

Would your parents have, like, cookouts? Like, would you— would you—

yeah, my parents were great cooks. My mom's a great cook. Turkey meatballs today.

And would you— would there be other families that would come over?

No, my parents didn't have any friends.

Really?

Yeah, they hated other people. Wow, they're really interesting. We used to— I used to be like, you guys want to go to the school tonight? Like, fuck no, I don't go to that. My mom— my mom would say it in a more polite way.

How would your parents be with parent-teacher conferences?

They would go in and they would just completely, 100%, blindly be on my side.

Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which doesn't help.

Were you a teacher's pet?

No, not at all, because I wasn't smart enough.

Oh really?

No, I would— I was an idiot. I would cheat.

That's so—

I did not get all A's.

I would cheat too, but I feel like that's what teachers like.

I was good at— I was good at some things and really, really bad at other things.

What were you good at?

Math and science. It's like I didn't get it. Oh yeah, but history, I could be like, oh yeah, I like this.

Yeah, history made sense.

History is fun. When do you— when do you like honestly 100% let go, and for how long?

When do I let go? Yeah, when I'm in the shower. That's when I'm just— I'm me.

What do you do in the shower?

Well, I just actually— I just for the first time, I love showers. I set up speakers. I set up speakers in my shower.

No kidding.

Yeah, so now I play music. I'm still standing by Elton John.

Nice.

I have it on loop. And you know what's so embarrassing is like I just set up the speakers in my shower and And like, I'm like embarrassed to like be playing music because I know, I know there's, there may be an instance where Natalie walks by my room and she hears the music and she just imagines me naked dancing like with water dripping down me. And like that, that makes me uncomfortable. Like that, it makes me uncomfortable. So like, I want to make it clear that I don't know that I am.

We want to make what clear? I am that you are naked dancing in the shower. I'm still standing.

It's just so embarrassing and I'm fucking singing too. Like, I don't give a fuck.

I don't think she thinks about you at all.

No, that's what I think about. Like, all I can think about when someone goes and uses the bathroom here too, I can think about is like listening to their pee. That's all the first thing I think about.

No, it was with Ashton Kutcher.

Oh, I watched a Natalie Portman movie the other night with Ashton Kutcher.

I think it's either No Strings Attached or Friends with Benefits.

And he goes, and he goes, it's pretty good. He goes, but I had to stop watching it because I didn't like seeing her with another man.

Yeah, I was fucking crazy. I've never— it was like—

and then he goes, I think there might be something wrong with me.

I really liked it. I really liked it, but it was hard to watch because it just— it made me feel uneasy. It felt like I was being—

what? What did it make you feel?

It felt like I was like— it felt like I had a girlfriend and I was watching her flirt with other guys. It was fucking weird.

I never had that with any other actresses.

No. And I was like, I was like, this is very unhealthy, so I turned it off.

Wow.

It was unhealthy for my relationship with Natalie Portman for me to be watching her like that.

Will you try again?

No, I don't.

Will you try another Natalie Portman movie?

No.

What about a serious movie that isn't about love?

Yeah, I will definitely watch.

Maybe more of a drama, you'd be okay.

But anything where she's like romantically involved with anybody in the movie, I can't watch.

So interesting. You know what David told me the other day? He had a nice— he had a cool theory last night. Yeah, this is what David does. He drives around Hollywood, we try to get footage, we usually don't, And then he'll just be driving home and he'll just say stuff that you're like, oh my god, I am friends with a serial killer. We're just riding home last night. It's dark. It's late. And he's just like, it's crazy, man. It's crazy. Like, we're out here doing stuff. We were like going back up the hill towards his house where it goes from shops to houses. And he's like, it's crazy. Like, we all come down here and we do stuff and at night, and then we have this agreement that we all go up to the house— to houses after. We all go to our houses.

Yeah, I mean, I just think it's crazy. I mean, I think a lot of people agree with me, like, going to sleep and like this, like, we're all going to sleep now in our houses. Like, that's fucking weird. Like, I left— like, I left and I was at an EA meet and greet the other day, right? Like, it was for EA Sports, and it was— there's so many people there, they had to have security help my car move out of the area because like they were surrounded by people. And then I left and then I drove to my house and it was silent. It was all over. Everything ended. Like the real world went away and I am now back just being David at my house. It was just so crazy, right? And it was like, it was cool because it was like, this is your first week on Earth. It just felt— it was just so nice.

I don't know, it was nice that it was gone, that it was like paparazzi, that the commotion was gone.

There was this chaos and then there was this like agreeing agreements were like, this is my house, this is my safe spot. And yeah, sometimes there's people that show up there, but it just felt good where it was like, now I'm alone and I'm by myself. And this is like, you know, like when you build forts as a kid, this is just one big fucking fort. This is just one incredibly well-built fort.

Why is there a giant spaceship landing in your backyard right now?

I'm going home. And then it's also crazy how like no matter who you are are. Yeah, you go to bed or you poop.

Well, that I agree with. I had the same thought the other day.

Crazy too, how like—

pooping. Yeah, I'm surprised that we can all still poop. Like, even at my age, it's still working. I would think that like that would shut down. It must be so complicated what happens, like digestion.

What also boggles me is like someone like Beyoncé poops.

Does not.

You don't think she does?

No, she doesn't poop.

Well, I just think it's crazy. You go to Beyoncé's house.

Yeah.

And, and if I saw a toilet at Beyoncé's house, I feel like it would really fuck with me. I'd be like, why is this here? This, this must be for your guests.

I took— I looked at her last night and she looked over at me and she blew me a kiss. And, um, and I, I was looking at her on the red carpet and everyone's going crazy. She looked great.

Yeah.

And there was like, there was a moment that she— everyone was coming at her and like a couple of kids from the movie maybe that were in the movie with her came up to get pictures with her and they were so happy to have a second with her. And, and there was— and it was like, Beyoncé, Beyoncé, Beyoncé! They were like screaming her name. And there was a moment where she smiled, as— and this is how I read it— like, this is fucking nuts. This is nuts.

Yeah, like, I'm Beyoncé.

Yeah, just like, I'm so normal, you guys. This is nuts. Why, why is it this way?

Sure. Wow. That's—

that was what I took from her facial expressions. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

That's what I took from standing 300 yards away.

Yeah, I don't know her at all. No, but she looked like, she looked like a nice lady.

But yeah, to wrap it all up, I think Beyoncé is incredible and I find it hard to believe that she would do such a disgusting thing as to poop because that's, that's, that's what humans do and she's not human. She's, she's a superstar.

No, girls poop, David.

Girls, that's my favorite conversation. I always love saying no, they don't.

Hey, you know what, David? What?

What?

I'm feeling a little, you know, embarrassed about the money I spent on that house.

Yeah, but it's—

it was worth every penny.

I already told you that it was.

No, you're making me feel bad about it.

It's a lot of money. I'm never gonna get that back.

But I brought my family together, so how about that?

You also pulled them apart by getting a divorce.

You're a little shit, you know that? I got my tour dates today.

Okay, that's all the time we have for today.

10.

Thank you guys for listening to this podcast.

San Diego, a Views podcast. Charlotte, I'm coming to you. Minneapolis, Jason.

If you want to go see him on tour, you just can.

David won't tour with Views anymore, so I gotta go by myself.

Yeah, I'm actually gonna— I'm doing, uh, colleges in the fall.

That's all the time we have on the Views podcast. No, thanks for listening, guys.

Jason, more colleges booked. Booked. So if you guys want me to come to your school, literally have your school email by people. I don't know how to say it, but yeah, have your school email me and then I'll get those dates so we can go the same weekend. Oh, to go to the college?

Yeah, I'll go play the comedy club and you go play the college.

Wow, you like me. You want to fly with me?

Oh, you know what?

Okay, I'll do it.

You're the one who fucking calls me every day to shoot. You're the one that needs me. Yeah, I know that. Read the gossip sites.

Read the gossip sites. Alright, thank you guys for listening We'll see you guys later. Bye! My name's Geoff.

Bye!