Getting Felt Up in First Class

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I are gonna come up with two different names for each other and not call each other by our real names for the entire podcast.

That's a great idea, Frank.

I know, Lil Bitch. What is it, Lil Bitch?

Is that the name I got stuck with? Yeah. Really?

You could have chosen anyone.

I came here—

I'm cool with Frank, Lil Bitch.

I came here, I waited for you to post. It's 12:14 at night.

Sure.

I'm tired, which— don't even— don't start talking about calling me, telling me that you'd hate when I'm tired. Sure, because I just am. There's just no reason why we can't record this at a different time.

You sound like a little bitch. Little bitch. All right, roll the intro. All right, what's up guys, it's The Views, the podcast. Most highly ranked podcast ever amongst morons. Idiots, idiots all around are raving.

You know what's interesting?

They're just going to raves and they also like our podcast.

We're big on the rave scene. Tiesto listens to us.

I've never been to a rave.

Steve Aoki.

You know, there's something that scares me about people that go to raves.

What's that?

I can never trust one. Never trust a person that goes to rave.

Why is that?

I don't know. Is this racist?

How could it be racist? You haven't mentioned a race. You're just talking about people that go to raves. Racist towards who?

No, I'm kidding. Um, it's, it's, it's all my European cousins would always go raving, and I could just— I would just be like— I was just, I was just like, I never understood it. I'm like, there's something behind this that you guys aren't telling me.

They're like party people. Yeah, like wild and crazy guys from Czechoslovakia.

Yeah, raves aren't— the raves are not like parties. They're like It's like, it's like drug dens. They're drug dens. Exactly. It's fucking scary. I don't know, I think a rave is a really scary word.

Why would you trust them? They can't— you don't think they take your money or something? They're just trying to have a good time. It doesn't mean you can't trust them.

Too much fun, and I can't, I can't subscribe to that.

You always got to bring in the fire extinguisher. Yeah, put out the fire.

Yeah, too much fun.

What do you mean too much fun? What else is too much fun?

Um, this podcast. Sometimes I don't even want to do it anymore because I just have such a good time recording it with you.

You know what's too much fun? What? That goober grape you got going on in your, in your shelf over there. I was hungry.

I got a lot of peanut butter and jelly.

Yeah, I didn't know you're such a peanut butter and jelly aficionado.

You know, I do what I do. I do what I can.

And not only that, guys, guys, David— I was hungry waiting for him to post, so I went over and he's got peanut butter and jelly in there, but he also has the peanut butter and the jelly in the jar at the same time.

Yeah. Oh, that's the only way to do it, which I was skeptical about. But yeah, so you feel the same way about peanut butter and jelly as I feel about people that rave.

Yeah, too much fun.

Imagine if a guy walked in here right now.

I don't trust that Cooper Grape.

Imagine if a guy walked in here right now who's on his way to a rave. Yeah, and he's eating a peanut butter jelly sandwich that he got from a mixed carton.

We'd have to get our guns out and hide behind the couch. That's terrible.

That'd be fucking terrifying.

Do you like the peanut butter and the jelly mixed together?

Yeah, I do.

You do? You prefer it that way? Sure, it does spread nicely.

I love how I started out this podcast by saying how great it is. Yeah, and 6 minutes into it, we're just talking about peanut butter jelly. It's good stuff. It gets better, guys. It takes a while, but then it kind of snowballs, and then we really get going. Towards the middle is when you hear most of it going.

I brought you a present tonight.

Please don't whip your penis out again. So it's a sound machine box?

I brought you a little sound machine.

Can I see this? That's so cool.

You son of a bee. You know I'm too old to get up off the cloud.

I threw it into the kitchen.

Why did you take my sound machine? It broke. I ordered that from Amazon for you.

Did you actually?

Yeah.

I'm just scared of playing sounds that aren't coming from our mouths because I don't know if the listeners—

I thought it could have been a lot of fun. This is the guy who carries cockroaches around, carries fake cockroaches around in his pocket and puts them on people's heads. Can't have a little fun with the sound machine? Talk about no fun.

Yeah.

It's too much fun, I guess.

No, it's not that. It's just, it's just I didn't want it.

I know you're going to be a great dad because you do walk around with those cockroaches in your pocket. Why don't you tell everybody how you've been doing that lately?

Um, being a great dad?

It's, it's really out of your personality to see you do that. He'll just, he'll just walk up to like one of his friends and pull, pull a fake cockroach out of his pocket and then put it in their ear.

Can I talk about something?

Yeah, go ahead, Frank.

Okay, little bitch. I was— did you ever have any superstitions growing up?

Sure, yeah.

What were your superstitions?

We had a black cat across the street. They used to freak me out, so I never went in its path.

Really?

Yeah.

So what's the superstition with the black cat? If it walks by you, you're fucked?

If the cat walks by you, it's bad luck. Really? Yeah. Then who knows?

I mean, maybe it must have walked by you fucking— it must have ran circles around you your entire life. You must have fallen asleep and it just must have fucking done sprints.

It might have.

Any other superstitions?

Yeah, I mean, Friday the 13th, you're always watching your back. You know, you never know what's gonna happen on then. I hated when my mom would go to the nail salon.

Why?

Because there was a woman there with one eye, and that always used to freak me out.

That's bad luck.

Yeah, and she used to like try to like, she would It's not bad luck, it would just freak me out.

Sure.

And she would always say things like, "Oh, like you're going to come into money." And I just like, "Oh great." She's like, "Your sister's son is the blonde boy." You're kidding. No.

There's a woman with one eye who would read your fortune?

Yeah, no, she wouldn't read the fortune, she would just like call shit out. Just say stuff that was gonna happen.

Sure.

Like, "You will give me big tip." "Your boy will be a famous actor." Yeah, you're kidding.

"Give me big tip." "You will give me such big tip and I will fuck up your left hand." Because I don't actually know how to paint your nails.

Why do you ask about superstitions?

I used to have— my parents— I'm not like superstitious at all, but my parents have this weird thing with spiders. They don't kill spiders around the house.

Oh yeah, I've heard of that.

And it's because it's bad luck. And like, at first I thought it was weird. I remember when I first killed my like first spider in my house, my mom flipped shit. It's like I fucking— like it's like I stabbed one of my siblings.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was like, you don't do that.

It is going to bring us good luck for the entire year.

It'll keep us warm in the winter. Do not kill spider. No, but I killed it. And I feel like she made me feel pretty bad about it to the point where it like stuck with me that I can't kill spiders. So now I have tons of bugs around my house. I mean tons. Like I was brushing my teeth the other day and a spider fucking came right down by my face as I'm brushing my teeth. Like on a web, on a web. And I looked him in the eye and I was like, hi. And I, you know, I rinsed my mouth out. I spit the water in the sink and I turned the lights off and I went to bed.

You just left him there?

I didn't even move him. I was just like, hi. I mean, it was a big-ass spider. That's it. And that's where I'm at now with superstitions. It's weird.

Yeah, they might be laying eggs around the house.

That too. No, I know they're multiplying. I see at least 7 or 8 spiders a day.

You got to make sure that they're not the poisonous ones.

What happens if they're poisonous? Look, I got bit by one right here. You can see.

Yeah, you better be careful. You should check those spiders out.

Why?

Because there are poisonous ones.

Oh, and worst-case scenario, I fucking turn into Spider-Man?

Wait a minute. That's funny.

Why?

No, I was just down at the newspaper last night, and you weren't there. Where? There was that big warehouse fire.

Who was there?

Spider-Man.

Spider-Man was at the warehouse fire, and I wasn't there?

Yeah.

It's probably coincidence.

"Hmm, well how come you weren't at the paper doing your job?" "Well, I just, I, so you're saying at the paper warehouse Spider-Man came—" "No, at the newspaper where we work." "Okay, yeah." "Okay, you're supposed to be there counting papers with me." "Sure." "To deliver in the morning." "Yeah." "And there was a big warehouse fire last night and Spider-Man saved the day. Well, that was funny. How come you weren't there at the newspaper?" "I was late, I was running late.

I was running late, I had that thing in the morning." "Yeah." "Yeah." It's funny that the Spider-Man, he came out of a Tesla last night. Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, it looked a lot like yours actually.

That's my favorite car. How did you know it was mine?

Are you Spider-Man? Yes.

Oh, I knew it. Fuck. Could you imagine, bro? If I was Spider-Man, it'd be so— I would tell 4 of my friends.

Would you stop vlogging?

If I was Spider-Man? Yeah. Yes.

No, I bet you wouldn't.

Are you fucking crazy?

I don't think you would.

If I was a superhero?

I think you're crazy, and I know that you won't stop vlogging over anything.

If I was Spider-Man, yes. If I was Superman, no. Because if I was Spider-Man, I have a very specific talent. But if I'm Superman, I can use my superpowers to help my vlogs. But Spider-Man just needs to fight crime and save people. Superman can do anything. I can reverse time and get a vlog done earlier.

Superman can't reverse time.

Yes, he can.

No, he can't.

Yes, he can. Since when? He flies around the Earth, dumbass, and he changes the rotation of the Earth.

Oh, so if the vlog's late to post, you can fly around the Earth and get some more time. Exactly.

But I wonder if that would— if let's say I'm on Earth, I'm editing my vlog, right? Yeah. And I'm Superman, so I can change time, and I fly up into space.

Why'd you do that so flamboyantly?

I'm a flamboyant Superman. Listen, anyway, let's say I'm editing my vlog down on Earth, and I'm like, oh my God, I have 10 minutes to post, but I need 4 hours. So I fly up into space. Yeah. And I'm making time go backwards, right? Does this mean what I edited will also go backwards, or will it stay in the position that I edited it?

Oh yeah, that's crazy. No, it'll go backwards.

You move back time. So there There would be no point, because I'll just come back to Earth and I'll be stuck in the same spot.

Unless you had a bad edit for 4 hours and you were like, "Fuck this edit." I don't even know if this makes any sense. No, it makes total sense.

Regardless, what I'm trying to say is no, I'm not Superman, and yes, I do love spiders. I'm a big— I am a Spider-Man. Like, I'm a spider guy, you know? I'm not Spider-Man, I'm just a spider guy. I used to have— speaking of when I was a kid, I used to have OCD, like weird OCD. I don't know if you've ever gotten this, but like, did you ever like— like, I wanted to be— I wanted to be a tennis player and an actor growing up. Yeah, those are the two things I wanted to be. And, and like, and I would be like, I'd be, I'd be sitting with my friends at like the lunch table, and I'd be like, in my head I'd be like, if you don't stand up right now and go grab two packets of ketchup, you're not gonna be an actor. And I'd have to go do it. Have I ever told you about this? No.

No.

Oh my God, it was fucking crazy. It controlled my fucking life for so long. Wow. And like, and like, I would be like, I would be sitting in class and I'd be like, if you don't sharpen your pencil right now, go, go up to the sharpener. You don't sharpen it, you won't be a tennis player. Wow. It was crazy. And I would, and I would do it. I would do it every time. There was no— I could not get around it. I couldn't. And my brain would like tell me it and I'd be like, fuck, it would be like a second part of me that was like, goddamn it. Holy shit.

One time, one time, did your family know how nuts you were? No, I used to—

I used to live a mile— I'm surprised I never told you this— I used to live a mile away from a lake, right? And this is, this is the craziest it ever got. This was the fucking most insane thing. It was 1 AM on a school night. I've been in bed, I've been in bed for 2 hours. No. And I told myself, I will never be a good tennis player, I will never be a professional tennis player if I don't go and touch the lake right now. So I fucking snuck out of my house to go touch the lake. Fucking dude, insane. No, I don't— I'm not making any of this shit up. Isn't that crazy?

Imagine if you got caught, what you would have to tell your parents.

I would just tell them I went on a run. But like, isn't that nuts? I don't know what that— it's starting to wear off and I still get a little bit of it. Like, I still—

was the last time you had it?

Like, uh, I had it like a week ago and like I was having a conversation with one of my friends and they said something they said something and I'm like, and I didn't find it funny. Yeah, but I laughed anyway, right? I laughed and I ignored it as I do. And, and in my head I'm like, you gotta tell them it's not funny or, or you're gonna have really bad luck for the next couple days. And I'm like, fuck, okay, fine. So like 5 minutes later I was literally like, dude, what you said earlier— I know it sounds stupid, but what you said earlier wasn't that funny.

I don't know why. It's fucking— it's so weird. Would you say that too?

It was my friend from my hometown, Alex Newman. It's so weird, bro.

What did he say?

He was like, oh yeah, I figured.

Okay, Dave, it kind of was like a few minutes ago. It's kind of in the past. I had to bring it up.

But isn't that crazy?

No, but I just wanted to let you know that what you said—

No, I'm not like that. 5 minutes ago. I'm not crazy. I just let him know and that's it. I move on. I don't like— I just have to say it. I just have to get it out and I'm good. It's like having Tourette's. And you just have to say it. You just have to say it and get it done so you can like continue doing whatever you got to do.

It also sounds like you're in a cult.

Yeah, it sounds like I'm in a cult. It sounds like I'm playing some kind of fucking freaking game in my head. Right. Yeah, well, I don't know.

But when you never became a famous tennis player— No, never.

Maybe that broke it for you. No, never. Yeah, that— I think that's what broke it. It was actually, honestly, that's what it was when I, when I decided I didn't want to play tennis. Uh, that could have been What broke it for me? Where is— where are the fucking things? No, not this. I'm not looking for the ads. I'm looking for all the stuff you wrote down. Oh, oh, stuff I wrote down. Jason, you sat next to Lil' Kim on the airplane.

Yes, I did.

Now, first of all, fill our audience in who Lil' Kim is.

Lil' Kim was probably the biggest female rapper in the '90s, one of the—

one of the biggest, right before Nicki Minaj. Mm-hmm.

Right. No, no, I mean right before—

I mean like before Nicki Minaj's time, way before Nicki.

Yeah, it was like early '90s.

We We fly JetBlue, so like we get to sit next to some really cool people sometimes. And oh my God, the flight attendants on JetBlue are fucking so nice.

Yeah, they're very great. Nuts.

I asked to go see the pilot. They're amazing. And they're like, okay, we just made some time for you to go talk to the pilot. Wow. So I went inside the cockpit. Did you? Yeah.

On the way out or the way in?

The way in, because I showed them my pilot glasses. They wouldn't let me film, but I hung out with the pilots inside the cockpit. You did? Yeah, and I'm like, thank you guys for having me, and I'm like, I'm looking forward to the flight.

What did they say to you?

They were a little weirded out because I was coming in with a camera, so they were a little confused.

Did you have your pilot glasses on?

Yeah, I had my pilot glasses on. I had these glasses.

Did they think that was fun?

No, they didn't find it fun. The flight attendants are nice. The pilots are kind of iffy.

They thought it was too much fun?

No, the flight attendants are so nice. I was like, "Can I have an orange juice?" And she's like, "Yeah, do you want pulp or no pulp?" And I'm like, "No pulp." And she's like, "Oh my God, I think we only have with pulp. I can sift it out for you with like a little sifting thing." No way. And I'm like, "Yeah, that'd be great. Thank you so much." They're so fucking caring. Dude, JetBlue men is the best. It's not even an ad. Um, okay, anyway, you sat next to Lil Kim.

Yeah, well, Zayn switched seats with me because he couldn't sit in the window.

He needed to sit next to a window.

He needed to sit next to a window.

He needs to see how the airplane's doing.

So I was pretty pissed off because I wasn't sitting with everybody.

But lucky for you, your seat ended up next to a really big celebrity, a big time, big time singer.

Yeah, she sat next to me. We talked for a while. I asked her all kinds of questions about rap and her career and how she got started. Yeah. I talked to her about Biggie Smalls.

You talked to her about Tupac.

Talked about Tupac.

Can we talk about what you talked about?

I don't know. I mean, I've heard this a lot, you know, and what I had heard was that Suge Knight had— he owed Tupac a lot of money. Yeah, and that he had had, um, Tupac killed.

Why are you whispering? Huh?

Because I'm afraid Suge Knight's gonna come kill me.

Yeah, but you're whispering. Um, that's just a rumor.

Yeah, it's just a rumor, but I've heard that before.

Suge Knight in jail? He is.

Okay. And I mean, he's got peeps on the outside. Does he? Yeah.

Does he still have people on the outside?

Um, I mean, I heard— I'm sure—

I don't, I don't want to keep saying shit. I heard he's broke. Really? You think I'm broke? 4 guys show up at my door.

Takes your TV.

Uh, um, no, but, um, yeah, yeah, so it's pretty fun.

I just asked her about like, you know, what it was like to start rapping and—

yeah, and, um, you guys both shared your come-up stories. Did she ask you any questions about you?

He didn't ask me one question about myself. Really?

I guess that's how it should be.

I guess so. Oh, really? Is it?

Is it how it should be? Okay, listen, don't take it so personally just because you don't ask people about stuff. I actually do.

You don't ask me shit.

I sat next to an anchor at MSNBC.

Yeah, because she's like famous and you talk to her. That's the only reason you talk to her.

You were sitting next to Lil' Kim. Oh, you're saying— oh, you're saying— oh, okay, okay. You're saying if I— okay, you're saying if I meet someone that—

Yeah, you don't start asking them questions about themselves, do you?

Well, if I'm sitting next to them on a plane, I don't—

I mean, you're pretty good. You're pretty chatty.

What do you mean? I'm really good at— I'm super chatty when I need to be. Can you please keep your feet off my white couch? My feet are clean. I don't care. My feet are clean. I know, but it's just—

Hey, we owe Trish an apology. Why? Uh, because last week, I don't know what I said. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it, whatever I said. I don't remember.

What'd you say?

I think I said— we had— remember last week we were saying something about how like, I think we broke up, I read her text. Oh yeah, she didn't like that I read her text. Because what happens is people go on Twitter and then they like— and tattletale. Yeah, they're like, she's not understanding about his kids. And they, they, you know, they misconstrue things, and that was— that was— couldn't be further from the case.

Okay, whatever Jason said about Trisha, we apologize.

Yeah, and go to her Patreon.

Let's move on. Yeah, um, but seriously, get your feet off the couch. It's not— it's not that they're not dirty. It's not that they're dirty. It's like they look clean, but I know they've been through a lot, you know?

Yeah, they got you a vlog this week, my toes, so why don't you treat them with a little respect?

Yeah, we posted a vlog today, or I posted a vlog like a couple days ago where someone ate Jason's toenail. And if you guys know anything about Jason's toenail, they're fucking disgusting. People did not like it one bit.

People don't like toenails apparently.

No, it's so funny because we were all shooting it and we thought it was so funny. Everyone that was watching me edit it was like, dude, you should upload the full video on your second channel.

I thought it was great.

And, and then I uploaded and everyone's like, what the fuck is this, David? Don't ever post shit like this again. They were so mad at me.

I, I feel like the vlogs that I have the most hand— hands in or do the worst for you.

Yes, this has happened before where you've been like, this is great, I want to see more of it. Yeah, yeah, they don't do that.

They don't like it. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's why you're doing good and I'm not.

Um, but you know what else is doing good? Dollar Shave Club.

Dang, I love Dollar Shave.

Dollar Shave Club delivers everything you need to look, feel, and smell your best. Dollar Shave Club has everything you need to get ready in the bathroom. I love their shampoo. I'm a fan of their shampoo. You wouldn't know much about it, but you use it to wash your hair.

I use it all over my body actually, because Yeah, 'cause I never, I have all the Dollar Shave products in my bathroom.

Still in the box.

Yeah, no, no, I have them, but I don't wanna get out of the shower 'cause Todd gets mad when I get water all over the floor. Yeah. 'Cause I don't know how to dry myself.

You're not good at drying yourself.

I'm not good at drying myself.

You just put a shirt on right away. What Jason does, Jason puts a shirt on and then he notices how wet he still is and has to change his shirt. This is every time, it's like a function. Like a fucking 4-year-old. He puts on a shirt, it gets wet, he has to put on a new one. Dollar Shave Club— yes, Dollar Shave Club delivers everything you need to look, feel, and smell your best. You name it: shampoo, conditioner, body wash, toothpaste, hair gel, even a wipe that'll leave your tush feeling tingly clean. I'm a big fan of their amber and lavender calming body cleanser. Never smelled anything like it. Good luck finding a product that great at stores. All of Dollar Shave Club products are made with top-shelf ingredients that won't break your budget. You'll feel the difference. Plus, shipping is included with your membership. And here's a great way to try a bunch of Dollar Shave Club products. Jason, take it away.

For just $5, you can get their Daily Essentials Starter Set. It comes with body cleanser, One Wipe Charlies, their amazing butt wipes, their world-famous shave butter, and their best razor, the 6-blade Executive. Keep the blades coming for a few more bucks a month and add in shampoo, toothpaste, or anything else you need for the bathroom. Check it all out at dollarshaveclub.com/54. That's dollarshaveclub.com/54.

4. That's amazing. Thank you, Dollar Shave Club, for coming. We only have 2 ads this time. I know, it's kind of nuts.

Are you okay? I'm okay.

I'm gonna need to borrow some money at this point. Hmm.

You know, I had a sound effect on my sound machine that was all set to play after you read the ad. It was the ka-ching sound. Oh, it would have been great, but you took the gift that I gave you and you smashed it on the floor.

That would have been good, huh?

It would have been good. Could have been good.

Well, listen to me, guys. YouTube dad has a video yanked after he feeds his kids laxatives. Yes.

What's up with that? 5.7 million subscribers.

And what happened? His YouTube channel got taken down or his kids?

No, his channel got taken down.

Oh my God. Yeah, it's worse than I thought. What about his kids? How are his kids going to live without their dad having a YouTube channel?

I don't know. He fucked up, though.

He fed his kids laxatives. Yes. Nick fed me laxatives once. I fucking wanted to Yank him.

Oh yeah, did you get— did you—

oh, he fed us laxatives.

Yeah, I got it too, that little bitch. Did you feel anything?

No, I didn't. He didn't, because we stopped drinking soon enough because we found out it was laxatives. Yeah, so we never felt anything. I've never actually drank laxatives.

No, I don't know.

Isn't diarrhea crazy?

Diarrhea is pretty much the craziest thing in the world, I think. Really? I've always thought that.

You think nothing compares to it?

I don't think anything compares to diarrhea.

I mean, How would you—

how would you go on like a runny nose?

Not runny nose. Oh, you're right, it's the worst sickness. It's the worst because you're like, ah, I don't have to go that much, and then all of a sudden—

yeah, yeah, yeah, it doesn't make sense. Yeah, because it's just like you feel like your insides are coming out. Yeah, I mean, I love talking about diarrhea.

I know, I'm trying to think if I should go into it more or if I should slowly back up. I feel like a lot of people listen to these while they're eating.

Hey, I thought it was interesting this weekend you were talking about your stutter on stage.

Yeah, I was talking about Yeah, I should have— I should address that. I have this weird stutter where like, like when I point the camera at myself and I have to start a sentence, I can't seem to start it. And I'm developing a stutter as time goes on.

And I'm getting only with the outros. It's all—

no, it's, it's when I have to begin a sentence. So when I go, what's up? I can do what's up guys, that one's easy. But if I go, can't believe Seek Geek is doing this, you know what I mean? If I have to start in the middle of a sentence, uh-huh, and I have to start filming, I my stutter comes up, but it's really, really brutal. Hmm. I don't know how to explain it.

And then, then Mike, our friend Mike analyzed it at dinner. I thought it was a great analysis. Yeah. And you totally sat there with your arms crossed. You were like, no, that's not it. Okay.

What did Mike say?

Mike's had a great analysis, which was that it comes out during the outros when you're about to post the vlog and that you're just so like, you know, it's like all the stress of trying to put the vlog together. So it's coming out in your stutter and you know that once you do that outro, that vlog's over. And that you're just gonna have to do it again. So basically your stutter has come from the amount of pressure that you've put on yourself by posting these 3 very good vlogs a week. Sure, 100%.

I, I agree with it.

Oh, so you do agree with it?

No, I am so delusional right now. I'm like sinking into my seat. I think I'm really nauseous.

Oh, what did you think of the, uh, the shows that we've been doing? Do you feel like you're getting any better? I'll just interview you. Do you feel like you're getting any better performing live?

Yeah, I think the live shows are getting better. Right now my arms— my arms— dude, I can't fucking talk.

Yeah, you tried to say arms there.

Dude, my heart is like beating really quick. Really? This is like— this is like I'm turning off. My body's turning off. I've done this before.

Don't die, dude. I'll be fucked if you die.

And this is like—

I think about you dying all the time.

I feel like a bitch. I don't even want to listen to this podcast back.

Frank, you're good. You're fine. Sorry, I just— Don't die. I do think about your death quite a bit.

Little bitch, am I gonna be okay?

You're gonna be fine, Frank.

Little bitch, help me, I'm not feeling good. Um, no, here, I'm sitting up. Let's fucking go, guys. I'm gonna kill this podcast for you guys because we make up— we make enough money. Trump looks like he's restoring DACA. Yeah, which there's a good chance.

It was the third federal judge came down and said You got to restore this shit.

Which means I'll be able to travel again. Isn't that crazy? I used to travel. I went to Brazil once.

What was that like?

It was amazing. I came back and I got interrogated in the interrogation room before I entered the United States.

Did they look in your butt?

Did they look in my butt?

Yeah, you heard me.

Yeah, but how would you know they were looking in my butt?

First place I would look. Really? Yeah, or some guy that's DACA. No, I don't know.

Yeah, they checked my ass out.

No, they didn't. Yeah, they did. No, they didn't. Yes, they did. They didn't check your ass out.

They put up— they literally—

bro, I'm telling you. No, I'm kidding.

They didn't check my ass out.

What did they do?

It wasn't even an interrogation. They just asked me a couple of questions. I was like, what are you doing here? And I'm like, I live here. And they're like, yeah, right, you fucking son of a bitch terrorist. And I'm like, listen, I'm here. I'm not from here, but I mean no harm. And then I enter the country. It's such a bitch entering this country. Oh my God. Yeah, it's crazy.

I mean, it was pretty easy when we came back from Mexico. Yeah, well, you're open for you.

You're American, you dumbass.

Take it for granted.

That's so funny. That's like, I feel like that's like something someone with like white privilege would say. Yeah, someone that's like, someone that's like of another race would be like, I get pulled over so much. And then you go, really? Never happens to me. I've never gotten pulled over. I can't believe I had a white privilege moment with you. Even though I'm white. Yeah, that's funny. No, but it looks like Trump's restoring DACA. Yeah, which possibly— which means I'll be able to travel once again. Sure. Which means we can take that deal that we got for Australia.

That deal's long gone. Yeah, you don't want— you don't like to travel. Are you—

it's gone? We don't have the deal? No, guys, we got offered— years ago, we got offered a quarter of a million dollars to do 3 shows for the podcast. Yeah, in Australia. Is it out the window?

Yeah, it's gone.

Dude, Trump is such a fucking asshole. Really? Yeah. That's so unfair. It's so shitty. I hate to complain, but it's not like that money— half of that money was going to be mine. The other half was going to go to taxes to better the fucking streets of America. So why couldn't he let me go do my job so I can fix the goddamn potholes?

Goddamn, listen to you. I wish I could play God Bless America under that speech.

I wouldn't know any of the lyrics. Doesn't matter. You know, I don't know the Pledge of Allegiance by myself. Do you know the Pledge of Allegiance by yourself?

Of course I do. Really? Yeah. I'll go.

Ready?

Go.

I pledge allegiance to the flag for the Republic on which— did I skip one? Yeah. I pledge allegiance to the flag under God, indivisible. I pledge allegiance to the flag, to the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible. Indivisible, and justice for all. Amen. It's pretty good.

Yeah, pretty close. I think you were right on the money.

You wouldn't let me into the country? Fuck that.

Yeah, I don't like the way you look.

Okay, if you were my interrogation officer, right, and I was trying to enter the country, how would that go? Go. I don't know, I'd just be like— No, you give me interview questions about America and I'm gonna try to answer them. Be like, okay, so hey, I'm just— I'm here from Brazil. I'm trying to just get back. I live in, I live in America. I live in California. Yeah, right. Yeah, no, I do. I swear. No, really?

What are you up to?

No, I swear.

I don't, I don't like you. I don't know what's going on, but there's something about you that I really hate. Okay, Mr.

Interrogation Man, let me ask you a question.

Yeah, by any chance, were you brought here when you were 5?

Yeah, I was actually. Oh, really?

Okay, Czechoslovakian guy, huh? Yeah. Let me guess, uh, You're like one of those villains in a Bruce Willis movie. You're gonna come here and blow up a building, right? Like Die Hard? Is that what you're gonna do? You gonna make some goulash?

I do vlogs, and yeah, my mom would probably make some goulash, but that's soup. Huh? That's soup.

I'm about to cry. What?

You love goulash?

I feel so bad. I didn't mean to be mean to you. It's just I work here all day, and I have so many people that I see.

What bothers me—

I actually recognize you from YouTube, and I know your girlfriend is Liza.

She's great too. She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up.

But in this time period, you guys are actually still together, so— Oh shit. I have a time machine. We can go back in time. You can be together. Really? Yeah. Jump in.

Holy fuck.

Oh, wait a minute. You're not American. Forget it.

I was gonna say, you didn't let me into the country. That's what sucks. What if fucking America came out with time machines for everyone. I probably wouldn't even be able to buy one.

Um, no, you'd be able to buy— you got a flamethrower.

Yeah, that's true.

Elon Musk, he'll come out with something, man. How come he hasn't gone with the time machine yet?

Is he going public with this, or is he going— he's privatizing the stock?

Yeah, fun fact about Elon Musk, guys. Remember, if you guys listen to these podcasts, you know that I invested a million dollars into Tesla, and, um, the second I invested it, the stock plummeted. Well, assholes, if I would have kept my stock, which I didn't because I sold and made about $15,000, which isn't a lot relative to how much money I put in, but if I held on to that stock now, I would have made over $330,000. Oh really? Right now, today. If I sold it today, I would have made $330,000. Shit! Isn't that fucking crazy?

Why didn't you hold on to it?

Because I'm a little bitch, dude.

You were really afraid that you were going to lose everything?

I was scared. And that's not the stock game. I shouldn't have gone into the stock game being a little bitch, but I was. At first I was like all cocky. I'm like, I don't care, here's a million dollars. And then it plummeted. I lost about 200 grand, and I'm like, I can't do this anymore. So when it came up again, I took all my money out, but I should have stayed in. I should have stayed in for the long run. Oh man.

Hey, you know what? What? I think it's time for you to get on the mic again.

Oh shit, guys. Um, hey guys, this isn't the right ad. Oh yeah, it is. So, hey guys, I have a question for you. Okay, that was Vitaminwater. Let me know if you have any questions. Thanks.

Um, this is maybe our worst podcast.

Yeah, it's really bad. This is a brutal—

I'm almost willing to start tomorrow morning. Really? No, it's fine.

I think there's parts of this podcast that are good.

Parts are good, parts are not good.

And then there's, there's parts where it dips. You, you guys got to bear with us for this podcast. If this is your first podcast of ours, listen to another one. Listen to a better one.

Yeah, 'cause David's loopy right now. I'm really—

I'm fucking weird right now.

He's got these weird short shorts on and his hairy legs and—

My penis is in Jason's hand right now.

Oh, you know what happened on the plane that was really awkward with Lil Kim? What happened? I don't know if I can tell you this story or not. Why?

What happened?

I was on the plane.

Oh my god. What happened?

And I was asleep. Oh no. And she was— and I was in the— I was in the— okay, so I was asleep, and you know how I get boners on airplanes, right? Because of the altitude. Well, I fucking get startled and I wake up and your boner hits her in the face, and Lil' Kim is stepping over me.

Oh no, right? Oh no. And what kind of pants are you wearing?

I had a full blanket on me, but what kind of pants? I had on— I had shorts on.

Oh, so, so your boner was—

no, it wasn't out, out.

It wasn't out, but it was like—

David, I swear to fucking God, I swear, but deadass, however you say it, she puts her leg over me. Oh no, no, no, dude, I swear to God. And, and I'm, I'm like, I feel something, and I move. And so she, she's not the shortest, you know, because she's, she goes by Lil Kim.

I mean, she's not the top, she's not the tallest, she's not the Oh, she's very short.

Yeah, not very short, but she's short.

Yeah, she's short.

She's a cute shorty. Cute shorty. All right, whatever.

Oh shit, we are fucked. Get ready for the next video. Her—

she stumbles. Yeah. And her hand, I swear to God, like lands on my, on my dick. Oh no. And she, and she grabs— no, she didn't. I swear to God, where she grabbed—

no, she doesn't.

I, I know she, I know she must have either she thought she got my kneecap or she thought she got my, my boner, and then that was it.

Oh, she was using it as support. Yes, to get over to the aisle.

She was grabbing my boner to get over. Holy fuck. But she didn't know she was grabbing from—

this is the good part of the podcast, guys.

She didn't know she was— she probably to this day doesn't think she grabbed my boner, but she did because she, she stumbled, you know.

She's probably telling the same story on her podcast and she's like, you know what, I was I was on a plane and I grabbed— I was getting over to the aisle and this guy had the skinniest kneecaps I have ever felt.

She's probably like, he had the smallest dick I ever felt.

No, she probably just thought they were in your kneecaps and you're probably fine. That's fucking funny.

Yeah, it was really embarrassing.

Oh my God.

I mean, I, I wasn't embarrassing because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know it was my boner. Yeah. So, I mean, if you're out there, I'm sorry. Anything? No, she was just— she was really nice. She was just like, oh, it's okay, I just have to go to the bathroom.

I'm like, I remember when boners were like a serious problem for me. Like, you know when you hit puberty? Yeah, it's like non-stop, that's all that happens. Yeah, that's not a myth. It actually— like, you have to carry your backpack in a different way. Like, like, my backpack would be on the front of me covering— like, leaving. I don't know why, but I'd always get boners right before the period would end. So when I'm in the hallway, it's like go time. Everyone would see me with a boner.

Oh my God. Yeah. Jesus Christ. And then you— what if you told yourself you had to go touch the lake?

Did I ever tell you the story of the kid? This is a disgusting podcast. This is actually not a good representation of what all— actually, this part is a good representation of how all the podcasts are. I had a kid in my class who, um, who masturbated in the class. In the class.

And everybody caught him.

No, no one caught him. It was just 3 of us watching him into his hand.

Ah, yeah, his dick out of his shorts.

No, in his shorts. He's very respectful. He kept his penis inside his shorts, but he finished inside his hand and he showed us.

Okay, so he stuck his hand inside his pants and then he came on his hand.

He was doing it and we thought he was kidding, right? We were all laughing. We're just a couple of guys. We're like, oh, this is funny. And he was— he did it for like a minute straight.

Or maybe he had like some soap from the bathroom and he made it look like—

No, this wasn't— He's not that type of kid. He's not intelligent like that. He's just a fucking knucklehead. Oh man. Yeah, yeah, he's not.

Yeah, um, that's a fucking really gross story. Is it?

Is it?

No, it's fine.

Is it like too much?

I don't know. I don't think toenails are gross. I don't think eating toenails is gross.

I'm gonna leave the part where I swallowed it afterwards out of the story. No, I'm kidding, but yeah, it is pretty disgusting. I had, um, I remember I was in the hallway of my school and this girl was like being really mean to me and my teacher— oh, you know what, I have another story that's gross.

Might as well get them all out in this podcast.

Um, I used to— this is fucking— I can't believe I've never even told you these stories. Um, I used— I shared a room with one of my friends one night and there's this girl I had a crush on And she, she was, she was in the room. It was like 7. No, it was like 6 PM. We were just chilling in bed. The girl was, the girl was like standing. And the guy I was sharing a room with, we both had our own bed for the night and he had one bed and my bed was across. It was a hotel, right? Yeah. And, and the girl climbed into his bed and I really liked her and we were really good. We were really close friends and I had like a crush on her. She really didn't know my other friend. And she looks at me and she winks and she goes under the covers and she sucks him off. Oh yeah, I like out of a movie. What gives him a blowjob? My friend looks at me and he goes, dude, I don't know what's going on. Like that. What? Straight up, straight up. These were—

this is— you guys were just friends with her?

Yeah, this is when I was like, I don't know, 18. This is really recent.

Where were you? What hotel were you at?

Um, it was in Hollywood. Yeah, it was, um, it was brutal.

Oh, this is like your, your period when you got here and you were going crazy.

This wasn't Alex. This wasn't Alex. This is another friend of mine that came to visit, and it was so bizarre because she came out from under the covers just laughing because she knew what she did was fucking crazy. And she's that type of girl. She's like so insane, but like in like a really fun, like like fun, like old school, like old school, like Marilyn Monroe type of crazy, you know? Right, right. Like, she's just— she's a very confident girl, and she's like, I'll fucking do whatever I want because that's who I am, you know what I mean? Like, I would never even be like, you're a slut. I'd just be like, wow, that's fucking cool, right? What she did. Like, I'm like, that's brave. I wouldn't even be like, wow, that was really fucking weird to do. I was like— like, after it happened, I was like, Jesus Christ. I like you more. I was like, that's really like interesting that she did that. It was, it was that I was like, I never liked girls less for being slutty.

I never understood that. Yeah, I never understood giving girls shit for being slutty. What is that?

I had a friend, I had a friend who, who was dating this girl. Yeah, and found out how many girls she, he was dating for like 6 months. Yeah, and then he found out how many girls she slept, he, she slept with, how many guys she slept with. And he broke up with her. Really? And he loved her up until then. Really? But then he found out that she slept with like 13 guys before. Yeah. And completely fucking lost it. So mad.

Yeah, I don't get it.

Yeah, I was like, I was like, dude, if she's not cheating on you, like, that's fine. Do you know what I mean? Like, I don't know. I don't think that's a problem. One of my friends from school, I just found out this other day, the other day, her, um, her body count freshman year of high school How many people she had sex with? Her roommates counted. 95.

What?

Freshman year of high school. Who is this? They had— I can't say the name.

Someone you went to high school with? Yeah. 95 people freshman year?

Yeah, they had to call her parents when she was 14. No, freshman year of college.

Oh, freshman year of college. Yeah. Who called the parents?

They had to call her parents. The dean? No, her roommate. The roommate? Because they thought she had a sex addict— I mean, she obviously sex addiction, to send her to like nympho camp or some like weird like rehab. Wow.

So what happened to her? Did she stop?

I don't know.

Rumor is you can still get it over there tonight.

Rumor is you can still put your ear towards the door and hear her moaning. Room 719, the curse of the sex lord.

Um, oh fuck, do I have to cut the Lil' Kim story because Trisha What do you mean? Do I have to cut that? She'd be mad, bro.

Are you fucking with me? Did we restart this podcast or are we really only at 20?

No, we have 20 minutes already. Oh, we do? Yeah.

So this is the end of the podcast?

This is the end. Oh God. Okay, can we, can we start doing the podcast at— on Mondays, please? Sure.

This podcast started out shitty, but it was really good at the end. I really dug it out.

Yeah, we should probably keep talking. Yeah, some more, don't you think?

Just give some people some more sugar.

You know what would be cool? Why don't you just update people on everything, then we'll say goodbye. Just tell them what's going on with you.

Okay, well, I—

you never do that. I, uh, my name's David.

My name is David.

I pick up a Ferrari today.

Today.

Kids are so, so consumed with your Ferrari.

I'm trying to get a Ferrari.

You made the mistake of telling them that, like, we— I, I made the mistake because you were, you were over. I was not getting it yet. I know you're not, but I I was like trying to like entertain them. I was like, David's thinking about getting a Ferrari, maybe. I'm not—

that's all they talk about, getting it. So let's not even talk about it, guys. That's where I'm gonna leave you guys.

Why don't you get it?

Because it's so expensive.

Be good for the videos. Do I?

I should get it. Okay, no, guys, but that's all the time we have for today's podcast. We're gonna be in Houston on Friday, then we're gonna be in San Jose, and then we're gonna be in Chicago. Please come see us on one of these days, especially if you're in Chicago.

Please, please, please, please come to Houston too.

Come to Houston.

You know what's really cool?

Houston, Texas, baby.

We're meeting tons of people who are like 18, 19. Oh, we're meeting people that are like 30, bro, and that listen to the show with their parents. Like, there was a bunch of actual older fans. Yeah, in Newark. It was crazy. Newark was amazing.

Yeah, don't be weirded out to come because we— I just realized our demographic is a lot older than we think, and it's fucking so cool. I love it. Like, I appreciate everybody that's even young But like, it's nice to see people that are like my age appreciate stuff that I'm putting out. Like, I'm like, wow, that's crazy. That's like someone that thinks like me can enjoy—

I'm not even talking about people your age. I'm talking about people in their like, you know, 30s and 40s that like really love the show too.

Like, yeah, no one Jason's age, of course.

No, that's not true.

That's not true. I'm kidding.

There were— remember the two dads who were crazy?

Oh yeah, they were 75.

They were great. They weren't 75, they were 45.

Bro, I'm just trying to bust your balls.

All right, Frank.

Okay, that's it for me and Lil Bitch. Thank you guys for joining us on this podcast. Guys, let me know if you thought this was one of our better podcasts or one of our worst podcasts, because I could see some people being like, I actually liked it because it was so, it was so all over the place.

I think it was okay. I think it was good. You know what, if, if I would like a podcast like this— yeah, because you think things are boring. Like when you talk about peanut butter and jelly, you wanted to, you wanted to walk out on the whole podcast. I know peanut butter and jelly is interesting. The fact that you have Goober Grape in there is interesting.

I had a panic attack mid-podcast.

Like, about what?

I mean, you saw it. I was like, I just started to shake and I freaked out and I was bitching. So I'm sorry about complaining in the middle of the podcast.

You gotta go see a psychologist tomorrow.

Yeah, well, you gotta go see a fucking—

oh wait, there it is. Oh, I thought you're gonna go for my weight. No, went for my teeth. Never would.

Not a dental hygienist, just someone to clean you up. Oh, all right, bye guys.