The Worst Surprise Of My Life

What's up, guys? Welcome to Views, this podcast. I'm not gonna look at Jason at all. I'm not gonna look at him once.

He's mad at me.

I'm not even gonna acknowledge him, really. I'm not mad at you.

He's mad at me because I just struck back at him, and I usually just take his shit, but not today. I have the power of Princess Leia.

That has nothing to do with what I'm into right now. I'm into The Avengers, and Princess Leia is in Star Wars.

We're late doing this podcast. We're sorry this podcast is late, guys. It's not because David was watching the end of the last Avengers movie.

Yeah, because it's good. Yeah. Yeah, you remind me a lot of Thanos.

Yeah, really? Yeah, all-powerful. No, I'm fucking awesome.

No one seems—

and complex person.

No one seems like you, and you look—

I'm talking over you.

No one seems to like you, and you— and you look like you smell.

Oh, really? Yeah, you remind me a lot of a fucking spoiled influencer.

How about that? Yeah. Yeah, well, you guess what?

What?

When I have kids, they're gonna turn out a lot better than yours.

Oh, I fucking doubt it.

Yeah. Yeah, what makes you doubt that?

Cuz you're fucking cold-hearted and you have no fucking feeling.

Wouldn't be tough to beat how your kids turned out.

Oh, really? Really? My kids are fucking great.

And your kids play the harmonica for fun.

Oh, okay. You don't like the harmonica playing?

No.

Oh, you didn't like the serenade the other morning when we came in with breakfast in bed?

I couldn't care less.

They worked hard on that French toast.

You know, if Thanos snapped his fingers, I bet your kids would disappear first.

Oh, really? Well, I bet if you had a chance with fucking Scarlett Johansson, you'd blow it.

Yeah, really? At least I'd have a chance with Scarlett Johansson.

Well, no, I bet— well, I bet if you had a chance with Natalie Portman, you'd blow it.

Well, at least I'd have a chance. Fuck, that's too easy.

Huh?

I said you're too easy.

I am easy. I fucking love cock. Shit.

You fucked up.

This is the Views podcast where we talk about stuff. We're talking about, um, talking about a sleepover the other day. Remember that I was talking about? It's— sleepovers are so amazing because there's like this level of innocence. Like, like when you have your first sleepover, like there's a lot of like— you're a kid and there's a lot of things that happen during sleepovers where like you lose your innocence. Like you start becoming a teenager or you start becoming an adult. Like, I remember, I remember the first, like, sleepover, one of the first sleepovers. Every, every person at any sleepover has probably experienced this where you're like staying up late. Like, this is like your first time staying up late and someone goes, hey, we should go see a movie tomorrow. And then another friend at the sleepover goes, you mean today? Because it's so late. And he like makes a big deal out of you guys staying up past midnight. You mean today? And then you go, oh shit, it is today. Yeah. You want— you guys want to go see a movie today? And then that's the topic of discussion. Question for the rest of the sleepover?

When's the last time you had a sleepover?

Not for a while. And I can't have a sleepover now. If I have a sleepover, it's because I'm stuck somewhere because I'm fucked up on alcohol, you know what I mean? Which is never.

But like, you don't drink.

No, I know, but like, there's no reason for me to have a sleepover now.

You weren't fucked up on alcohol when you were 13.

No, I know, but that's— you have sleepovers because you're just a kid and you want to spend time with your friends.

Oh, you're saying sleepovers only exist now when people are too drunk to drive?

Yeah.

And you have a little sleepover, Zane's on your couch, or—

yeah, like, Zane sleeps over every night.

Yeah, even when he's Not drunk, he sleeps over.

Yeah, he can't find his way home. No, but, um, but yeah, there's something I miss about being asleep over. And every— everything— you find out so much about yourself and about others.

What was your favorite, favorite part of a sleepover?

Um, playing video games.

What would you play?

We played Call of Duty. And then, and then, like I said, when one of us would be playing Call of Duty, the other guy would be jerking off in the bathroom.

I was hoping you wouldn't bring that up. Thanks.

We're talking about sleepovers. The other day, I forgot to say this, but it was crazy. I got my, um, when I got the Ferrari, the day I got the Ferrari, um, I, I went to, I went to go eat dinner at Catch and, um, I ran into my ex-girlfriend there. Not— I only have two ex-girlfriends. One's Liza, and then I have another ex-girlfriend. She was, she was a lot older than me when I dated her, when she was 18. And that was like when I first moved here. I dated her for a month and a half.

You were 18?

When I was 18.

Yeah.

Yeah, I dated her for a month and a half. Um, she was older, she was like 27.

How was catching up?

Um, no, it was, it was, it was really interesting. So the last memory I have with her, this is the day I got my Ferrari. The last memory I have with her, I, I still had my Toyota Corolla because it was right when I moved here, it was a 2004 like beaten up car. And we went for a ride in her car. I don't know, we went to get dinner or something and we were riding back. She had like a BMW and I was like, this car is so fucking cool. This is so cool. And she go— and she always like believed in me. She was like really nice and positive about what I was doing. And she's like, trust me, you're gonna have a car. You're gonna have a car like this soon. And I go, I don't know. I don't know if I will. And she goes, listen to me, you're gonna have a car like this in literally no time. Just believe me. And I go, I don't know. I don't think— and that was the last memory I had. And then I saw her 3, 4 years later and it was the day I got my Ferrari.

Wow.

At, um, at Coach. That's fucking crazy. She didn't— she didn't see the car. No, because we were upstairs, but it was just like— it was so crazy.

How long did you talk to her for?

14 seconds.

That's it?

Yeah.

You didn't like sit and catch up?

No, no, no, no.

Did it end badly?

Oh no, not at all. I just didn't know what to say, and we were kind of just leaving, so I was just like, hey, good to see you.

I— oh, you didn't do the good to see you, huh? You didn't do the David good to see you.

Why is that bad?

Oh, the David good to see you is the worst. Why? When do David does the good to see you, that means he's one, forgotten your name, or two, don't give a fuck and needs to go. Not that you don't give a fuck, but you have somewhere to be because I see the good to see you a lot.

No, I could because she was— she was eating dinner.

You give me the good to see you.

Yeah. It's good to see you, man. I got to run. No, she was eating dinner and I was walking out of the restaurant and she was—

whose eye?

We caught each other.

And for a moment, were you thinking, I'm going to fucking blow right by this?

No. For a moment, for a moment, I thought, I'm going to stop and talk to her. And she caught my eye and then she turned away and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm committing to this. So I like, I like brought her.

She was hoping you'd walk on.

I think she was hoping I'd walk by.

Yeah.

Yeah. And then, and then, and then, yeah. And then I said hi, but she was with another friend.

Yeah.

So I didn't want to like—

girl or guy?

Girl. I didn't want to interrupt her dinner. So I was like, So I was just like, hey, I don't mean to know. She stood up, you know, to say hi. And I was like, no, no, I was like, yeah, I was like, no, no, sit back down. Nice to see you. We'll catch up some other time, whatever.

Oh, okay.

And then I went on my way.

Okay, that's a little bit better. Yeah. You were like grabbing the elevator and you're like, nice to see you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It wasn't like that. No, I just didn't want to fuck with her thing. But that is a good pro tip. If you're ever— always say good to see you to people. Never say nice to meet you, even if it's the first time you've ever met a person. Always say good to see you. Yeah, it works like a charm. Because when you say nice to meet you, every fucking— everybody always goes, I've already met you before.

I met you before.

That's the worst.

Let me tell you something. If someone— if I've met— I don't even remember meeting anybody. Yeah, if someone says to me, nice to meet you, and I've met them before, I don't take offense to that.

Me neither.

It's like, oh yeah, I guess I wasn't memorable. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, who cares? And maybe unlike— I was on the shoe on the other foot. I don't fucking remember you. Yeah, maybe you didn't fucking make an impression.

It's— well, it's not like that, but it's like you meet a lot a lot of people throughout the day, right? So it's like, don't be offended if I don't remember you because I probably just had like a quick conversation with you. And same, that's happened to me so many times where a person goes, nice to meet you, after I've met them 2, 3 times. I don't care though because I'm not gonna be an asshole and be like, you've met me already. That person's gonna fucking remember me, they're gonna fucking hate me, right? Like, that's the worst thing to say. So always say nice to see you. It always works. It's the best.

Yeah. Unless when you say it.

Why? You don't like it?

Nice to see you.

I don't say like— I don't fucking point my finger.

Yeah, you do.

I go, nice to see you.

You raise the hand up and you go, hey, nice to see you. And you walk on. Oh, I think we've said nice to see you way too much. I dented David's Ferrari today, actually.

Oh yeah, that was so funny.

It was awful. I felt so bad.

I'm so sorry. Jason was getting— Jason, we were pulling into a fucking spot. I fucking hate him. Nice to see you, Jason. We were pulling into a spot and Jason's like, let me hop out so I don't scratch it. I don't dent the door so he doesn't bend the door because like, you know, because he didn't want to get out of the car and hit the door on the car. And it was like a tight, tight parking spot.

We didn't want to hit the car next to us.

So he's like, let me get out before. So I'm like, okay. So he quickly jumps out of the car and it's a convertible. So as he's opening the door, His hand goes from, from inside the car to the outside of the car, and his camera, like, fucking smacks the outside of my car as he's trying to open the door. And he looks at me and goes, oh shit, I did exactly what I didn't want to do. He literally dented my car trying to avoid denting my car.

Yeah.

And he's just like, I'm sorry, there wasn't a scratch there.

No, no, I wish I could get it together. I got gum in my hair last week too.

I mean, yeah, how'd you get gum in your hair?

Um, well, I was chewing gum and in my left hand I took it out and I threw it into the trash, but it didn't go into the trash. It stuck to my hand because it's gum. And then I, you know, comb my hair back.

Are you fucking serious?

Totally serious.

That's how it happened.

That's how it happened.

Oh, and you had no idea?

Like, literally, I don't think that's happened since I was 4.

You, you thought it wasn't on your hand anymore.

Natalie said that's the most Jason thing you've ever done.

That is Dude, that's like the best way to describe you.

Yeah, that's the best.

So this buddy Jason, let me just give you a quick synopsis of what he does. That's exactly the way I would describe you. If anybody asks you what kind of person you are, that's what I'm gonna say. And then you just forgot it was in your hand and you ran your hand through your hair.

I just ran it through, but luckily I have so much hair I just cut it out and doesn't— you can't even tell. I mean, my hair looks like shit, but wow. David got mad at me yesterday because I lied on deadass. All right. I— he said dead— explain deadass to people.

So deadass is like—

this is David's weird little thing that he thinks the entire fucking world needs to know about.

So I have this thing where, like, deadass, if you— if you're— if you're, like, making a joke or something, like, hey, man, I just— I just— Robert Downey Jr. just said he thinks I'm cute. And then you go, deadass?

Yeah.

That person has to tell you the truth, right? It's like— it's like the— it's like some people say Bible. Some people say swear to God. Oh, some people say swear on your mother. Deadass is like my, like, you can't lie on this or you're like going to fucking hell.

Yeah.

And, and the other day Jason brought over a Ferrari and, and Jason was like, look what I bought. This is my new car. And I go, deadass? And he goes, yeah. And I go, what? And I go, I know he's lying, but why is he lying on this word? So I got really mad at him about lying on deadass.

First of all, I didn't hear you and I was waiting for you to say deadass. And if you were going to say it, I was going to I can't believe I acquiesced to this stuff. I was gonna say, yeah, it's a lie.

No, I don't prank. I don't get why people lie on deadass. I used to have that.

Don't— I said, well, then yesterday we're in the car and he's like, you lied on deadass the other day, like he's fucking 7.

Because it's just— it's our safety word.

What's the other thing you do with Ilya? Oh, you flip coins.

Yeah, I flip coins.

That's good. I like that one.

Yeah, if you can't make a decision, flip a coin. Whatever lands on you, just—

I'm definitely on insane things like I want you to come to Chicago in the next hour. I mean, I want you to come to LA in the next hour.

I want you to come in my mouth right now. Heads or tails?

Oh yeah, yeah, that was good. I remember it was funny when you did that.

Thank God it landed on tails. We were filming on Hollywood Boulevard yesterday and there's this guy, he does, he's like a meme. His name is, Weldon, his name is? His name is Weldon. And his meme is, these nuts? Like that was his joke. Is, uh, he blew up. He went— he got really viral because someone recorded him saying, "Deez nuts, got him!" And now he just rides around on Hollywood Boulevard on a scooter and he charges people to record him saying his catchphrase. It's really fucking funny. So yesterday, um, it actually—

bucks.

Yeah, $5. When I— I met him a couple months ago, it was $10.

Oh yeah.

So now, now it's like— now it's down to $5. So I found a $20 in my car and I don't think he had change. So I was like, okay, can I get 4 of them? So, so he rode by and he said, these nuts. And then he rode by again and he said, these nuts. So I got $10 worth and then he kind of disappeared. And then we saw him from far away and Jason starts yelling at him like, hey, you owe us 2 more.

You owe us 2 more, these nuts.

So, so he was a man of his word and he came back.

Yeah.

And he did the other 2, these nuts. Which is really great. His life is so fascinating because he kind of just hangs out on Hollywood Boulevard. You won't believe what happened to him that day.

What?

He had a seizure inside 7-Eleven.

Oh shit.

Yeah, that same day we saw him, Dom called me. He's like, yo, the Deez Nuts guy just had a seizure inside 7-Eleven.

Yeah, he's drinking all that brandy.

He was drinking brandy and he was offering it to us and we're like, oh no, thank you.

That's what he did with your $20.

Yeah, he went to go spend on alcohol. So maybe it wasn't the best idea.

Oh man. Yeah, well, that's— I hope he's okay. You know, I will say he fucking hits that Deez Nuts line. He was— he hits it every time perfectly.

Yeah, he's really good at it.

Like the Robert Downey Jr. of Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah, memes. Yeah, Robert Downey Jr. of memes.

Yeah, do you see that they're trying to give Robert Downey Jr. and— well, obviously they're trying to, but they're trying to get him an Oscar for all the Avengers movies and for this last one specifically.

Would only be for one, but okay.

Yeah, but I think you just want for the entire series, Jason. You just want 7 Oscars. But you think he deserves it, or is a superhero movie not to the same caliber of an Oscar?

I think, I think that movie deserves to be nominated for Best Picture. Oh yeah, I do. I thought that the other day. I've seen it twice. How many times you see it?

Twice already?

Yeah.

Look, is it cool the second time?

Yeah, to see it with my kids is the best.

Fuck, I got—

why? It was so serious.

I gotta see with your kids then, I guess.

And Charlie was cracking jokes the entire time.

That'd be so annoying. Your daughter cracking jokes while I'm watching Avengers is probably my nightmare. How the fuck do you get in here?

Right after the movie, we went to this place called Fernanda's, and it was really good, and my kids love that place. No, the pizza is actually really good.

No, no, your kids. No, no, I'm kidding. I like your kids. But yeah, I want to go, I want to go see the I do think that it should be— they should be nominated for an Oscar for it.

You think he'll get Best Actor?

I don't know. It's like, you know what it is? It's, it's kind of like— I mean, I have no room to talk about the Oscars, but I feel like, I feel like it's almost like, I feel like he almost just deserves it because of like what that role holds, like what that means to people.

Yeah, right. Like, could you imagine anyone else playing Iron Man? No. Who? Like, who could possibly do that?

Ryan Reynolds, maybe. No, no, no, you're right. I mean, nobody. He killed it. But that's what I'm saying is like, maybe his acting wasn't like, you know, like DiCaprio in, you know, The Revenant. Like, it wasn't like emotional and, you know, all that. But like, but like, sure. But it, but it holds like so much importance to people. And that's why I think it should win an Oscar.

Yeah, the Academy is a bunch of snoots.

Yeah, great. Well, there you go. You've just blacklisted yourself.

I don't think I'm headed for any Oscar nominations. Anytime soon.

Definitely aren't anymore. I love you, the Academy. If you're watching this, every decision you have made so far has been brilliant. You know who it's time to thank, Jason?

Uh, the moms.

Yeah. Holy fuck. Good guys. The moms, because they're the real heroes of this universe. And ProFlowers is the best way to thank your mother because you can literally send flowers to anybody. You get 1 dozen assorted roses for $19.99. Double the roses and get a premium vase for just $9.99 more. You can visit ProFlowers.com, click the microphone in the upper right corner, and enter our code VIEWS. You've used ProFlowers.

Yeah, they've sent me flowers, and I've, and I've sent a bunch of flowers to my mom in Boston, and she loved it.

She loved it.

Yeah. Oh my god, these are the most beautiful flowers.

As I'm getting older, I don't like care for flowers, but like when I get them sent to me, I for some reason I fucking love it. Yeah, like I'm not much— I'm like, I'm not much of a person to put them like into a vase and like take care of them.

Uh-huh.

But I do love—

oh, you love getting them?

Yeah, like when I get them, like, this is so fucking thoughtful.

These come already with baby's breath and yeah, yeah, it's ProFlowers.com.

Click the microphone and then enter code VIEWS. Mother's Day is May 12th, so don't wait, order like a pro and get this amazing rose deal. To thank all the moms in your life. I'm playing at my first college tomorrow.

Are you excited?

I don't know why I'm saying I'm playing as if I'm doing something other than answering questions on a stage. Um, but I'm doing a— I want to do this like this entire fall. Uh, we're do— I'm doing a Q&A basically at, I think, St. Joe's in Philly. Yeah. Um, and it's just where— reputable school, great.

Yeah.

And I, I'm just gonna go on stage and I'm just gonna talk There's gonna be a moderator and he's gonna ask me questions about social media and stuff. Yeah, and I'm super excited about that. So if you go to college, let your college know that you want me to come and speak or whatever, and I totally will. I love to— I love talking. I really do. But what's so funny?

You do, you do love talking.

I do love talking, but the worst part about it is like sometimes I don't know what to say.

What am I gonna do tomorrow? When you didn't even ask me to go to Philly, you just booked me a flight.

Yeah, I booked Jason a flight to Philly.

It's 7:20 in the morning.

Yeah.

What am I going to do there?

Spend time with me.

Oh boy.

You know what I was thinking about the other day? You know how Benny Blanco, like we met Benny Blanco the other day. I don't know why I keep thinking about him so much. I feel like our last 3 podcasts.

All we do is talk about Benny Blanco. He has that name. That's fun to say.

Yeah, it's fun. I honestly, I'm just saying it just so people understand that I know Benny Blanco and Charlie Puth. No, we met Benny the other day and he's like, he's made the top songs like TikTok, you know, he's like worked on all these huge songs and like it's so weird because he's a creative, right? And we do creative things too, but they're so different. Like we'll sit around and we'll be like, what vlog idea do we do? Yeah, but he sits around and he goes, what fucking song am I gonna make that will change the world? Like, like it's so different, like Yeah, we're over here making fucking YouTube videos and he's over there sitting like, hmm, have we made a song that's called TikTok? And then someone will go, no, no, you've already made that one, Benny. Okay, fuck, fuck. But we're over here like, yeah, you know, should we tape you to a wall? Nope, we've already done that.

Yeah.

And he's— it's crazy, like it's such a different world. Yeah, like he's making songs that have a billion views on YouTube. Yeah, that have millions of listens.

Yeah.

And we're I don't know.

I think Eastside has 400 million listens.

That's crazy. Anyway, good for him. Benny just texted me.

What'd he say?

He's saying, who is Heath and why do a million kids keep saying I look like him? From your video. Heath's my buddy, and you, you looked like him in the thumbnail of Jason's video.

Guys, David is literally voice texting Benny Blanco right now. How cool is that?

That was— you're actually messaging me in the middle of our podcast.

And we were just talking, and we were literally just talking about you.

All good things. We're really big fans here. Okay, I sent him that. My roommate Dom lives with two girls now as his roommates, and it's so interesting to see him like communicate with the girls. Dom was in the kitchen cooking rice, and then his two roommate girls walked in and they go, look, Dom, we got bangs! And Dom goes, oh nice, I like hers better. Yeah, that's how he talks, and he's so weird. He's so fucking weird. It's such a weird way.

He likes living with girls, though.

He loves living in an apartment around. Yeah. He's saying it's like it's teaching him a lot, which I think he needs.

Dom is a work in progress, man.

Yeah. Dom's like a— he's like a little broken bulb.

Yeah.

He just needs to be better and better. He needs to be screwed in tighter. He's kind of flashing right now and someone needs to just adjust it so he's always on. But yeah, but no, I'm really happy. I think Dom's making a lot of progress.

Yeah, I think so too. I did this YouTube video where I treated everybody to a spa day, and David keeps telling everybody how much it sucked.

Okay, that's not— no, no. Yeah, you're setting it up wrong. Okay, so a lot of times I don't have like footage for my vlog and I'll be stressing out the day before. So sometimes Jason will have like a crazy idea that we can do the next day and he'll like calm me down. And there was one day where I was like, I had no footage, and he goes up to me and he goes, Dave, no, I didn't. Yes, you did.

Yes, it was a voice text. Yeah, yeah, it was a voice text.

It was a voice text. And he goes, don't worry about the vlog tomorrow, I have a really good surprise plan.

I knew when I fucking sent that, I was like, I should not send that.

He was like, I have a really good surprise planned, don't worry, it'll get the vlog done. And the next—

it was miscommunication over a text. I know, I would have never said that to you in person. And then, and the next day, I think I said something like, I have something for tomorrow.

No, you said, you said it'll be— you could film it, it'll be great.

Yeah, I did, you're right.

And then, and then I'm sitting on my couch and he— and I'm like, fuck, he got a lion. He finally got the lion in my house. Like, I'm so excited. And then, and then he goes, okay guys, open your eyes. Today we're all getting massages. And I go, fuck. And like the second he said massages, I just like, I glazed over and I went right into my head and I went, oh my God, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. What am I going to film around massages? And, and yeah. And then I gave him shit for it. I was like, Jason, don't hype up a surprise when it's going to be a fucking massage. And I told Carly and Aaron the story. And then yesterday they were FaceTiming me and they didn't know that Jason was in the car. And they go, they go, David, we have a surprise for you. Can we come by? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, sure. And they go and they, and they joke and they go, this is going to be a crazy surprise. It's going to be perfect for your video. And they go, no, we're just kidding. Don't worry. It's, it's, it's more of like when Jason surprised you with the spa. It's going to suck. And Jason goes, I'm right here. So now it's an ongoing joke that Jason's spa surprise sucked.

Yeah, well, That video, a lot of other people liked it.

No, it was a good video. It was just, it was miscommunicated.

Yeah, miscommunicated.

If you told me you have a bunch of people coming to give massages, I'd be like, okay, maybe I'll work something around that. But you hyped it up like you were, like you found aliens in your backyard.

I sent one text. Oh, fuck.

You've been walking, you've been walking 10 miles a day. Is this true?

I've been watching 10 miles a day.

Yeah.

And then, and then Natalie the other day goes, you know, she goes, Jason, you're looking like a lot better. Like, you seem like you've lost some belly fat, or whatever. Not belly fat, but she's like, you seem like you look a lot better. And David goes, what? No. He goes, David, doesn't he look better? David's like, um, no.

You walk 10 miles a day? That's fucking crazy.

I mean, no, I run. I run a lot of it. I go up Fryman.

I think your phone's broken.

Well, I don't know. Can someone actually leave, uh, DM me the, the iPhone app Yeah, that measures walking steps. Is it accurate? Because I don't think I walked 10 miles today.

It can't be. Instead of it counting miles, it may be like counting how many—

how many donuts—

how many meals you have that day. 10. 10 meals. That's what M stands for.

Oh, M is for meal.

You had 10 meals.

I have had 10.

I'm looking at his app and go to the last day.

I did 8.2.

Wow, 8.2 miles. Okay, here we go. These are the real days.

Saturday and Sunday, I had 2.7.

2.3. This one says 1 mile.

I drove to San Jose that day.

What did you— how'd you— how'd you only walk a mile?

Because I drove to San Jose. I was in the car for—

no, but some of these days, 9 hours, 9 miles. He walked— he walked 11 miles on one day. I don't believe it.

Okay, maybe it's not accurate.

I can't be. Well, a lot of miles.

I, I feel like I'm about to pass out, so—

well, that's just—

I think it is accurate.

Well, good for you. I'm, I'm really happy.

I'm not losing any weight.

I know. So proud of you.

You're not like feeding me food while I'm asleep, are you?

No, I generally—

Oh wait, that's right. No, I do that. I feed myself food.

You know what's even tougher than working out?

ZipRecruiter?

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Yeah.

And I was like, oh, I don't know. And she's like, are you a comedian? And I wouldn't say that. And she's like, so what is it? Like, what— how would you describe yourself? And I would say— and then I said, I guess I'm a pretty good conversationalist. That's how I describe myself. Like, that was my job title. Like, I'm good.

That's how you describe your vlogs?

Yeah, I'm like, I'm, I, I'm a good conversationalist. I guess that's the— and she goes, oh, okay. And then for the next 3 minutes of the conversation, I fucking amped it up because I was like, fuck, I can't believe I just said that. I really need to prove myself to this woman. So I was just like, fucking— I went like, I had tunnel vision on this woman's conversation. Everything else, it was just me and this woman sitting in this like white room. And I was like, I'm gonna make this conversation the best fucking conversation of her life. And I was like bringing up things that she was wearing. I was like, I love that necklace. My mom had that necklace. My mom's from Slovakia. I'm Yeah, so I really went in.

But yeah, you love talking.

I, I don't know, I do like it. I don't know how to describe like what we do. I was thinking about it yesterday, like I want to, I want to do like, I want to be like an interviewer or whatever. Yeah, and like I want to do like late night, and I feel like there's no better training than the videos I make because like I interview the same people over and over again, and I feel like that really, like, really challenges you to keep coming up with stuff, to keep coming up with new questions and new topics to talk about.

Well, the most interesting people are the most interested.

What?

The most interesting people are the most interested. So you're very, very interesting. You're, you're, you're very interested in asking people questions.

Oh, interesting.

Makes you interesting.

Oh, Alex actually sent me something like that the other day. Are you ready to be just fucking impressed? Yeah, I'm sorry, you've probably heard this 300 times because you're 89, but treasure love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends. Treat yourself well and cherish others. As we grow older and hopefully wiser, we realize that a $300 or a $30 watch both tell the same time. I really like that. You will realize that your true inner happiness does not come from material things of this world, whether you fly first class or economy. If the plane goes down, you go down with it. That's really nice. I like that a lot.

Yeah, that, that, that's wonderful. I, I have money now.

This one's good too. Ready? Listen to this. Eat your food as your medicine, otherwise you have to eat medicine as your food. That one's fucking deep.

Your food as your medicine.

Yeah, that one's good.

Yeah, you are. We eat.

Yeah, yeah. I feel that way about a big slice of pizza. You feel that way about money?

Yeah, I have. I didn't have money money a long time, like, you know, a few years ago, and now I do have money, like, I'm pretty comfortable.

Yeah.

And not any happier. Really? Happiest I ever was was living in a studio apartment.

That's so interesting. Yeah, I guess I haven't experienced— I don't know, I feel a lot happier knowing that my money can make a lot of other people happier. I just cannot— I cannot seem to understand the concept of money not making someone happy. I can't— I can't wrap my head around it.

Well, I mean, I guess I'm sort of full of shit because it is— because I guess I guess to sit here and be broke would be worse. It'd be horrible, of course.

And when you have money, you can literally make other people happy. And there's not a greater thing that makes a person happy, I think, than seeing other people around.

Sure, like buying my mom a car.

Not even that.

Most incredible— taking care of your parents or giving my mom money. Yeah, yeah, that's incredible.

It's the best feeling. And it's just like, it's hard for me to like— like, money doesn't— money doesn't buy happiness, right? But it it doesn't hurt it. It just—

yeah, that's well said.

Well, you know, I mean, talking like—

I don't know if I'm— let me restate what I meant. What I meant was I love money.

Fuck being broke. I'm never going back.

The more I push, the more energy I put into pursuing money, yeah, it doesn't make me any happier.

No, 100%. Yeah, you can't— money can't like fix holes. Like, it can't fill the holes in your heart because you don't have like good relationships with people. Jason, don't cry.

It's like Avengers.

Like, it can't do anything like that, but it can definitely— it can— I don't know, when money's not a problem, then other things are problems, right? But it's nice to have money not be a problem.

I'm already planning my July out where I'm just not gonna be working at all.

Really? Mm-hmm. That's not true.

David said something funny the other day. We were talking about when my mom dies, and I said, oh man, I'm gonna be laid up for like 3 months. When my mom dies, I'm gonna be crushed.

Yeah.

And David goes, she wouldn't want that. She wouldn't want that at all. Like that, like, because he doesn't want me to miss a day of work.

Yeah.

And when my mom dies, you're like, okay, chip chip, let's go to be— to get back to work.

To be honest, she actually wouldn't want that. I know I was like just saying it, but like, you think she'd want you to mope around for longer than 12 hours?

If you died, wouldn't you want me to mope around for a while?

No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't. You think I'd look down at you and be like, why isn't he fucking depressed?

You wouldn't want me to be sad for a long time if you died.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean you don't. You have to stop working.

Yeah.

I mean, do what makes— I don't know.

No, Jewish people sit shiva too, so they hang out for a few days and just sit shiva. Sit. Oh, they sit shiva.

What does that mean?

It means like after someone dies, like after my grandfather died, We— you have like a couple days where you just like hang out at someone's house and people come by the house and talk.

Oh yeah, and you don't do anything. Take off work and everything.

Yeah, they take off work. I mean, we did it. My grandfather died when I was like 14.

How many shivas do you have when you have a job and you're—

nobody—

like, like, do you ask your employer? You go, I need to, I need to sit shiva this week.

Yeah, I guess you do. Yeah, I guess you say, my, my mother died, I can't come into work for the next 2 days.

Oh wow.

Yeah. It's pretty interesting. David, the other day we were doing a bit and he—

we were—

the line that he had to say was, "You and what are me?" And then he turns to Joe and I and he's like, "Is it you and what are me or you and what are me?" Yeah, I never knew. He didn't understand it.

I still— I still think it's one way or the other. You and what are me, like what are you to me, or you and what army, like army, like group of soldiers. I never knew.

You and what are me? That makes no sense.

I know, but I thought it was like a phrase that really didn't make— like, you and what are me? Like, what are— what are you to me? Like, I thought that's what it meant.

Oh, you were— what about the phrase, oh boy, where'd that come from?

That was really simple.

Oh, think about it though.

Oh boy. No, that one's like— that one's super easy.

Okay, David, here's a fresh hot pizza that I just picked up from John and Vinny's.

Oh boy. Like, I can't believe you just brought me this.

Why not? Oh girl.

Oh girl. Well, because—

oh girl. Well, oh girl is also a thing, but no, oh girl is more like, no, no.

I mean, okay, if—

oh boy is like you're excited.

Why is it Manchester and not womanchester? Do you know what I mean?

No, it's not at all.

No, it's not like that. Um, no, I mean, I don't know why it's— oh boy just seems pretty normal. Like it feels like a mischievous kid did something and you go, oh boy, right?

Oh boy. Oh, that is exactly it. You nailed it.

What, are you serious?

Yeah, I didn't get it. See, it's just like, are you fucking with you? In what army? I'm not fucking with you at all. Oh boy. Yeah, like someone— like he ruined the fence.

You're 46 and you just fucking—

I got gum in my hair last week too. If you could be any Avenger, who would you be?

Iron Man.

Iron Man? Easy. You don't have what it takes to be Iron Man.

Yes, I do.

No, you don't.

Why would I not have what it takes?

Poor casting.

What do you mean?

You're Spider-Man.

Oh, I'm definitely— I'm definitely Tom Holland if I would— if I had to be cast as one of them.

You have that wide-eyed thing that Spider-Man has, like the—

like he's curious.

Yeah. Yeah, but you don't— you're not— you're not Iron Man. How dare you? How dare you even put yourself in the same way?

You asked what I wanted to be. I want to be Iron Man.

Oh, you want to be Iron Man? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, I should have rephrased that. I— what I meant was, which one would you be?

Which one do I identify with most? Yeah, actually, would that still be Iron Man?

You don't have that.

I don't have what?

Well, you're not smart, first of all, and you don't have that edge.

What edge?

Iron Man's subversive.

He's like, I don't know what that word means, and that is why I just like Iron Man. Um, this next segment of the podcast is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's where we give our editor Joe 25 seconds to say whatever he wants in return for him editing our podcast. And we're live in 3, 2, 1.

What's up, weenies? Working with David comes with a lot of perks, and a lot of people come up to me and say hi. Now, these people normally ask me to tell David that they say hi, so I have a scroll with everyone's name who's asked me to say hi to David, and I will start listing the names. Stephanie X, Stephanie M, Stephanie R, Gary, Larry, Harry, Natalie Portman, Stephanie, Tiffany, Jason from Chicago.

That's time. 25 seconds. Thank you, Joe, for another 25 seconds wasted.

Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman said hi. Jimmy John. You couldn't even come up with good names.

Joe was hot.

He wrote Henry here 7 times because he couldn't come up with a name. Guys, Joe just brought in a scroll of a list of people, man. He puts in a lot of effort for weird things.

Yeah, he told me one that he was thinking about doing, and it's really good. People were loving Joe at my show this weekend. It was almost annoying.

He kept— yeah, he kept fucking sending me pictures.

He was—

he was like— he sent me— he sent me a video. He said, look how famous I am.

I don't know.

He said, I don't fucking need you anymore. Did he? Yeah.

Wow.

He sent Natalie the same one too.

Really? Yeah.

But he called her a dumb bitch.

He was on stage with me filming my meet and greet, but then every single person wanted a picture with him.

Unreal. Yeah, we gave him too much power.

Yeah, we did. We did.

No more Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast next— next week. No, thank you. Okay, this is— I swear to God, this is the last time I'm bringing up any superhero movie ever. But I Googled this, and this could be completely fucking wrong. I really hope it's wrong. Vin Diesel, who plays Groot in Guardians of the Galaxy 2— it's a— Groot is a character, he's a little tree, and his only line in the movie is, "I am Groot." That's how he talks. That's the only thing he says. Um, I Googled how much Vin Diesel got paid because I was curious, because those are his only lines. And he's— it's voiceover. That's it. Because he's a tree. He doesn't actually play the tree. It's just his voice. And according to Google and doing my research online, he got paid $54 million for that movie.

He probably does some other sounds.

No, Jason, that's it. $54 million.

Doesn't he do like—

okay, does that justify $54 fucking million? Oh yeah, you're right. He does it.

Yeah, they probably could have just gotten you to do it.

I would have paid them.

Can you audition real quick? Oh, that's the superhero you'd be, Groot.

A baby tree?

Yeah, you'd be Teen Groot. Go ahead, do Groot right now.

I'm Groot.

Pretty good.

Thank you. I'm pretty good at voices.

Let's hear.

Ask me to be any character you've ever—

Do Joe.

Joe? Well, no, you got to give me like a character, like an animated character.

Yeah, do Homer.

No, not like a character that already exists. No, cuz I don't want to come so good at talking. I'm not good at impersonating. Like, I want to, I want to character that's like brand new, like a chair, you know what I mean?

Like, oh, you want me to— okay, sure, pick up a character. All right, be that camera over there.

The camera, like the camera just came to life.

Camera came to life.

Okay, okay. And what does the camera want? Like, what does the camera do? The camera wants to go get food because it's been hungry.

Sure.

You guys want to go get McDonald's? I've been filming for so long. That's pretty good, huh? Did you— guys, let's go get McDonald's.

Do it again. Do it again.

Guys, let's go get McDonald's. I'm so hungry. We've been just filming here for so long now. It's pretty good.

It's pretty good.

Thanks.

I need to be a fuller voiced, I think.

No, that one's the insecure camera. That's the— that's the—

do big camera.

That big camera.

Yeah.

We can't get lunch. We have to finish this podcast. And then this is— this is— this is the daughter. Dad. No, fuck. I don't know that one. No, but I was just fucking with you.

You're good at that. We love doing voices. David loves any opportunity to, like, break out of YouTube. Yeah, we went to—

you— we need you to take out the garbage on all the streets in Santa Monica, and I'll be like, I'm I'm fucking there. Any opportunity that's not YouTube, because I am trying— guys, YouTube is a fucking— it's like, it's, it's a blessing and it's a curse. Yeah, when you're in it, it's the fucking best, but you also can't get out of it for shit. It's like, it's like it's being trapped on the most beautiful island of all islands. That's what it's like. And you just want to— you want to explore all these islands and you want to eat off the forbidden trees, but you're not allowed to. And I will— and I'm trying everything I can to just fucking expand. But I'm just being swatted like a fly. No one's letting me go anywhere. That's why YouTube's tough.

That's fun, because— and not leave YouTube, but not do some other stuff.

I want it like— I want to— I want to— as lame as it sounds, I want to be like an entertainer. So I want to do all kinds of things. I share voiceover stuff. I want to, you know, I want to host stuff. I want to do all that. It's just hard because YouTubers have such a bad rep.

Yeah, but you have to— you have to realize when you're 22 and when just more time goes by.

No, I know those people will be in power. Yeah, all the guys, all the people that are listening to this now that are younger, that are in there, that are 15, 16, 17, 18, you guys have the power to hire me for some really cool stuff. So if there's ever a vo— if any of you guys work on a fucking superhero movie, listen to me right now. If you work on a superhero movie and there's an opportunity for me to voice a character or for God knows what reason, play a fucking character, it is your time. Call me up, send me an email, I will be there and I will be the best fucking superhero.

That's what happened to Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, he was down and out. He had been arrested for, you know, doing drugs, and he was like irresponsible. He like fucked up a bunch of movies. I hate— they gave him a second chance. Really? Yeah, Jon Favreau, who probably grew up watching him.

I hear that a lot about a lot of actors, like, like Mark Wahlberg. He was like in a gang, right? And he—

that was before he was famous.

Yeah, and he like would kick people's asses. Yeah, and then he became like a big fucking movie star.

Yeah, he was really—

I gotta be a criminal. I gotta go do something fucking crazy.

I could imagine you being like an alcoholic on the street and then some kid who's listening right now, you know, but that's how it's gonna happen. A chance.

I know for a fact that one of my, one of my best jobs that I'm ever gonna get, yeah, is from a kid or from someone who's a viewer or a listener or a subscriber or somebody.

Yeah, that—

I, I strongly believe that that's gonna be my best gig is when it's given to me or, you know, or I'm like recommended or pitched to a higher-up because someone used to watch me when they were younger.

Yeah, I can probably— I can probably think that a lot of the people that are my age who are in power now, friends of mine and stuff, I'm sure they don't understand you at all.

No, not at all.

Yeah, which is too bad, but you'll get your shot.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, I mean, right now you're struggling. Let's be honest, this house is embarrassing, and the Ferrari is— no, it's a 2014.

I'm happy. I'm happy where I am.

I know you are. No, David's very grateful. I don't I don't want to sell, you know.

Hey, I want to say something.

Um, yes, my show was great in San Jose, and I have another one in San Francisco June 8th. Fantastic. Cops Comedy Club.

Now I have nothing else to say. No, um, people that show up to my house, um, stop doing that. Stop, stop coming up to my house. My God, it's so, it's, it's so strange. I totally get why people do it. I understand.

You would have probably do it too if you're 15.

I would do it if I was 15 too, but don't do it. Yeah, don't do it. Yeah, because first of all, that's the worst place to find me is at my own house because I won't be able to take a picture with you or have a conversation with you, right? So it's like you're just gonna be disappointed when you meet me. So don't, don't—

the look on their faces when I explain to them that it's not okay to come to someone's house, it looks like I just revealed Avengers to them, like the ending of Avengers. They are bad.

They go Oh, it happens like 2 or 3 times a day.

David's a real person.

Yeah, it happens like 2 or 3 times a day now. And like a lot of times it'll be the parents that will come up to the door and they'll be like, my daughter's so scared. I told her it's totally fine. She's in the car. Can you come out and just take a picture with her? And I go, what? I can't. You're— yeah, you found me. This is my secret lair. Why are you here? Yeah, it's just, it's just, it's really scary. Yeah, because like it'll be like random times in the day and the night and it's just like, yeah, they come late.

Yeah, one night there was like 3 big dudes out there.

Yeah, it just, it doesn't make me feel good. It just, it kind of scares the fuck out of me. Don't do that. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. This has been A Viewz Podcast. That's Jason. I'm David. Merch is available on the website where the merch lives, fanjoy.co, for both me and Jason. Yep, Jason's merch sucks, so you may just want to come over.

My merch is selling really good. You know, I showed you the prototype and you were just like like, that is so depressing. And it's selling really good.

Wait, what is—

I'm making a— my merch, this merch is selling incredible.

Really?

Yeah, it's doing really good. I mean, not your numbers, obviously.

How many did your family order? All right, we'll see you guys later. Bye! My name is Jeff.