I Ruined My Best Friend's Life

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. This is the podcast where Jason and I talk to you and I simultaneously try to squeeze as many ping pong balls into his butthole as I can.

7.

That's 7.

8.

That was a big one, that one counts as 2.

I think I gotta stop at 8, David. I gotta stop at 8.

What's up guys, we're just gonna start off the show with some cash in our pockets, 'cause ZipRecruiter is back, baby.

Yeah, I love the ZipRecruiter, they're nice people.

ZipRecruiter keeps coming back. They either like me or Jason.

I heard they like both of us equally.

Wow. Well, shout out to ZipRecruiter then. I think I just spit out a taco from my mouth. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the people listening and that heard the taco hit the mic.

You should have seen the taco that hit the mic.

Okay. Anyway, let me just read the ZipRecruiter thing because with ZipRecruiter you can post your job to 100+ job sites with just one click. Then their powerful technology efficiency matches the right people to your job better than anyone else.

Yeah, that's why ZipRecruiter is different. Unlike other job sites, ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you, it finds them. In fact, over 80% of jobs posted on ZipRecruiter get a qualified candidate in just 24 hours.

No juggling emails or calls to your office. Simply screen, rate, and manage candidates all in one place with ZipRecruiter's easy-to-use dashboard.

You found me on ZipRecruiter.

Yeah, I found Jason on ZipRecruiter.

Yeah, I was on there.

I went through a bunch of candidates, but Jason seemed the most desperate.

Find out today why ZipRecruiter has been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results.

And right now, our listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free. Just go to ziprecruiter.com/nash.

Oh my God, they did it to you again.

Guys, people at ZipRecruiter, can you please change the link to ziprecruiter.com/something other than Nash?

David doesn't like this, guys. I'm gonna catch a lot of shit for this.

But that's ziprecruiter.com/nash. One more time, it's like they're rubbing it in. In the script, in the script, they write it like 5 times. One more time, to try to get it for free, or to get it for free, go to ziprecruiter.com/nash.

I feel like they do it on purpose now.

I don't know why they do it, but if I ever meet those guys in person, I'm gonna have an earful to tell 'em. But yeah, there's another ad that's gonna put some money in our pockets. I can order Postmates again.

Yeah, me too. I can feed my kids.

You wanna know a fun fact?

With your Postmates.

I'm so stingy with my money that I never order my own Postmates. I think you kinda know this about me.

Yeah, we start the show with our intro too. Ready?

Oh yeah, hit the intro. That was it?

Yeah, Bruce did a good job.

Okay, cool.

Bruce on keys in the corner there. Good job, Bruce.

Don't cut me off again, Jason.

I just thought you'd want our intro.

I just thought you'd want the show to go on how it's supposed to.

David, I'm so happy to be here. In your movie theater room, in your clickbait mansion, and it's just so nice to be in a nice place that's clean.

Let me go back to how stingy I am.

Okay.

Because I feel like people would wanna know that I'm such a bitch when it comes to Postmates. You know what Postmates is, right? I think so. Yeah, okay, so Postmates is where you can deliver food to your house from anywhere because people pick it up. It's like Uber, but the people run around and they pick up your food, and it's like $30, it could be up to $20 just for delivery.

Mm-hmm.

And like all of my friends, including you, Jason, who's very like frugal with your money, like you love, love spending money on Postmates. Like if it's $20 delivery, you won't even hesitate.

Hang on a second. I do Postmates to make our relationship symbiotic.

What's that mean?

Now that means when David posts on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays, we post at the same time, he comes over, I have my desk, I enjoy very much working with David, but he's in a bad mood when he's posting, and he'll walk in open the door and he'll go, uh, food, we getting food? Like that.

Yeah, I say, I say, Jason, do you want food? Because I'm down for some food. And then, and then Jason, Jason go— I don't know if like I'm like this like terrifying person, but Jason will be like, yeah, I'll order Postmates. Yeah. And he, and he'll order food and it'll come to the door and I'll be like, where's yours? And he'd be like, oh, I wasn't hungry. Like, so why did you order it?

Because if I go no, or because Jason, you could say no to me. Yeah, I do say no, and then if I say no, then it's like, I don't know what you're eating, then you're in the fridge like yelling at like the yogurt, the Go-Gurt that we have there, that's my daughter's, which you yelled at me today about that.

Today I went into Jason's fridge and I found Go-Gurt, and if you guys know anything about Go-Gurt, it's that cotton candy fucking sucks. Like, it's like the cancer of all Go-Gurts.

I don't even know what we bought, what are the flavors? Is it just like raspberry? I don't even know.

Raspberry is one of them, mixed berry's another, melon berry's another, and the rule is you never get, you never get, you never get, I lost the flavor, what is it?

Cool Mint?

No, what's the flavor? Cotton candy. Cotton candy. You never get cotton candy because it sucks, and I can tell that no one in your household enjoys it because in the Go-Gurt box were only 5 cotton candies left, none of the other flavor, because no one likes them.

But, so when you buy a Go-Gurt.

And then Jason has the audacity to blame it on his kids.

No, when you.

As if his kids rang it up at the checkout.

About that. My kids, they throw shit in the cart, David. What am I supposed to do?

You could have prevented that disaster.

I can't inspect everything they throw in the cart. What, what comes in a Go-Gurt? It's 12. How many did you get?

I don't know, I haven't had them in a while.

When you get— so what you're saying is what I got is 4 different flavors in a pack, like 4 of each?

No, no, it's 2 different flavors.

2 different flavors.

And the only ones that were left were all of the, of the I keep trying to say coconut. All the cotton candy. And those are horrible flavors.

I don't eat Go-Gurt! I don't have anything to do with it. I don't even know what it is. Charlie asked for it. Go-Gurt. I only can buy, I can only afford a few items.

Let me speak to your daughter.

I'll call her right now. Yeah, call her right now. Hello?

She answers, okay, listen, if this is about the Go-Gurt, I know I fucked up. We're like, yeah, it is, wow.

She asked for you today.

She asked for me?

Yeah, she said, "Is David there?" What? And I said, "No, he's not here." And she goes, "Oh, good." No! Yeah, which means that she knows I'm maybe relaxing a little bit.

Wait, really? Did she actually say that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She goes, "Who's at your house right now?" I go, "Scott, Todd, and you weren't there, you just left." And she goes, "Is David there?" And I go, "No." And she goes, "Oh, good." Not like she doesn't like you, but just like, maybe Daddy's getting a break.

Maybe Daddy's getting a break. Aw, that's really cute and sad, I'm sorry.

No, no, she likes you, she loves you. She talks about you nonstop.

Oh, come on.

No, she did. She tells everyone about you. Really? Yeah, and David takes her on the Tesla and all this shit.

Oh, that's so cute.

Yeah, I think my parents are getting annoyed. No, not my parents. I think my sister was kind of like, who is this David character?

Jason loves doing this thing where he pretends his parents are still alive. He just did it again.

David loves doing this thing where he pretends my parents are dead, which is really fucked up. They're alive and well. My dad could kick your ass.

Yes, dude, a fucking fruit fly can kick my ass. I'm the weakest guy out there.

I was impressed with how well you played played against Jay Boyce. He's a very—

I mean, 6'4".

It's what—

there's one thing about— you can be athletic and still be a wimp, and that's me. I can't— I can't pull my own in a fight, but I can— I can play a sport.

Yeah, I mean, David played one-on-one against our friend Jay, who's like 6'4" and really built. And, uh, he played— you played 3 games, uh-huh, and you won the first 2.

No, I won the first one, and then the second one went into overtime, and I choked.

He towers over you.

Okay, but that has nothing to do with this.

So wait, what were we talking about? Go-Gurt.

We were talking about Postmates.

Oh, Postmates.

And how it's so expensive. Like, I just ordered it right before we started this podcast. I ordered food and I have to order it from Liza's phone. Yeah. So it swipes her credit card and then I PayPal Liza for the food because—

You really PayPal Liza for the food?

Yeah.

You guys don't just like, hey, I'll get this one, you get the next one?

No, no, no, because it's just me. Like, it's just me ordering food.

You guys are like 15 years old.

No, no, no, it's just for these situations. Like, if we go out to dinner, it's different.

No, I understand that, but like, why don't— first of all, why don't you have the Postmates app?

Because I hate spending money on it, because I'm like this weird— like, I don't know why, but when I see it leave my bank account that way, I get really confused. I don't know why.

So you don't want it on your phone, so then that way you won't spend it?

I don't know.

Yeah, I get that. It's a psychological thing.

Regardless, Postmates is expensive. Thank you, ZipRecruiter, for putting money in our pockets. That's the whole, the whole, the whole thing with this.

I order you Postmates. First of all, you only like lunch from one place, Jones on Third.

Shout out to Jones on 3rd. Yes, I do.

Yes, and so I know that I know what I can get you there and make you happy, and then if I don't, if I say no, I'm not hungry, then you go into the fridge and yell at me about what's there.

I don't yell at you.

Yes, you do. You start picking it apart. You're like, this fucking sucks.

I pick it apart because I'm like confused as to why you have like organic pineapple that's been sitting there for 8 months.

Why can't we get sushi one day?

Come on, Jason, you know I fucking hate sushi. I start yelling at you now? What do you mean sushi?

Have you ever had it?

I have. I think it's awful. I hate textures.

Yeah, you don't like the texture.

It's like biting through a book of Yellow Pages mixed with like fish. It's awful.

So yeah, I got— I got— I get— I got— I get you food so that, you know, we have a symbiotic thing going.

Okay, cool.

Where, you know, your vlog's getting out, my vlog's getting out, and Things are harmonious.

I love it, and I really appreciate it.

And we waxed my chest today.

Yeah, it's ch— oh, can I actually bring up something?

Please.

That I wanna talk to you about? You know Brandon, we have a friend named Brandon.

Yes.

He's a real nice guy. Yes. Uh, Jason, stop picking at your belly button, dude.

Well, now I'm looking— I'm not picking at it, I'm just looking at it!

You'll find the lint later, just put it— put your shirt down.

There's some hairs she didn't get!

Jason, you keep moving around the ping pong balls, they're gonna fly out of your asshole! No, Brandon and I were having an argument yesterday because we found out that Will Smith has his maids and all his housekeepers sign a contract.

He told me about this.

They can't look at him.

Brandon told me about this when he picked me up at the airport yesterday.

What'd he say? He's like, can you fucking believe David?

No, he started, you know, saying his side, and then he's like, and then everyone was against me.

Let me, let me say, okay, first of all, this, this is like a typical thing that you see like in showbiz. Like Ellen DeGeneres apparently has a contract where no one, no one on set or like on set of her show is allowed to come up to her to ask questions, or they're not allowed to look her in the eyes, they're not allowed to walk by her in the hallway, right? Like all these things. And like, to her, like a normal person that's just like looking at it, looking at it like from the outside and doesn't know anything about entertainment, will be like, dude, that is the most fucked up thing I've ever heard. Like, I'm never gonna like watch her show. Right, but back to my Will Smith thing, how he doesn't let his maid or anybody look him in the eyes or anything like that. It sounds— it sounds awful, but what's your stance on it?

I've sided with—

I already know who you side with. Like, I know for a fact who— Will Smith.

I think that's fine if Will Smith wants to do that.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

I think that's fine. And like, you don't have to go work for Will Smith if you don't want to.

This conversation doesn't work unless I'm— unless one of us are on the opposite side. Side of the whole thing.

I'll take Brandon's side too.

Okay, I mean, how about this? You take Brandon's side. Yeah. And pretend like you're completely on Brandon's side. All right. And I'm gonna take Will Smith's side.

Okay.

Okay, go. Okay, well, just imagine, imagine, imagine entertaining people every day, like constantly. You're just entertaining people, whether it's conversation or whether it's on TV. You know, everybody, every— if you're Will Smith, everybody and anybody wants something from you all the time.

Like I agree with you.

Like, you can't—

just kidding. No, I'm right.

Will Smith can't just go, you know, out to dinner.

Well, the maid's not asking for a song and dance. I mean, he's not asking to be entertained. She's not like, hey, can you do Big Willie style from start to finish?

Hey, can you do the Fresh Prince rap for me?

Just really quick.

I won't clean your room till you start. No, but just imagine.

Can you do—

this is such a hard thing to argue for because it's just like It's like people don't like— people don't understand like how like, like crazy and like time-consuming it— like, like I've had days where I have to entertain people all day. Like I've had like a bunch of meetings in one day and it's just like constantly talking to people and you're always— you have to be on and you always have to have like a lot of energy.

What did the contract say, Will Smith? The maid can't look him in the eye and can't what?

Talk to him.

Talk to him.

Yeah, right. She's there to clean the house.

Yeah, I mean, I think that's a little excessive. I think she should be able to talk to him. I think that's weird. I wouldn't want that. I wouldn't want, like, someone in my house that, like, felt like they couldn't talk to me. I think that's bizarre. Okay, let's say it's you. Let's say you go on from vlogging.

Let's say I'm Brad Pitt, okay.

Let's say you're David Dobrik. Let's say you go on from vlogging and you get into movies and maybe you get really famous, like movie star famous.

I don't know how I would—

Like a shitty movie star.

Like a very shitty—

Yeah, obviously you'd be a horrible actor.

I don't know how I would be in that situation because I know you wouldn't do that. Well, I know right now I love interacting with people, but dude, after 20, 30 years of doing this, of which is like constantly talking to people and always being on, I'd probably lose my shit too, and I'd probably have contracts for my maids too. I just— I don't— I don't think—

I don't think you would. You're not like that at all. You're actually like the pretty—

I know you're like—

you're so nice to like the little person.

Okay, but I completely sympathize with like the whole Will Smith thing because like just imagine Like, like, it sets up a bad work environment though. What do you mean?

It's just a bad— it's just a shitty— it's a shitty negative environment. So you have someone coming to work every day, they go home to their family, and then they come to work and they're like on eggshells, and they clean, and then you walk in the room and it's like, oh fuck, he's in the room. Oh shit, it's David. God, don't look the other way. Look, you know, she puts a lampshade on her head and pretends she's, you know, No, yeah, lamp. I mean, you know, it's just a shitty environment. Like, I have— we have a nanny that works for us. Her name's Susie. Yeah, Chiqui's daughter-in-law.

Yeah, we made sure she doesn't look me in the eyes. It's just me.

Do that bit with—

should I do it?

Do that bit with Chiqui.

Next time she comes over, I'll make it a very serious— I'll make a very serious statement.

We have a housekeeper who works for my ex-wife, and now she cleans.

Her name's Chiqui.

She's wonderful. My house, she's wonderful.

She's an old Mexican She's Guatemalan.

Guatemalan.

Grandmother.

She looks classically—

Like, just the classic Mexican grandmother. Guatemalan, I'm sorry, I don't know if I'm being like—

Well, people say, before she was in your vlogs, they would say that she looks like Consuela.

Yeah, that's why I like— From Family Guy.

And her family jokes that she is Consuela. She doesn't speak English.

It's perfect. And I tweeted, I tweeted, I'm saying Mexican again, sorry, but I tweeted 3 years ago, I said there's no better grandmother on the face of Earth than a Mexican grandmother. They are just like, they're the cutest and just like the, like, they're just adorable and like you just want to talk to them.

Yeah, she's really sweet. She's so adorable.

Except Cheeki, she can't look me in the eyes anymore.

You should do that bit next week.

No, I would feel so bad.

No, no, but we'll tell her after. No. Be like, Cheeki, David says you can't look her in the eye anymore.

Cheeki, you can clean, you can clean the house, but when you get to David's area, just don't look in his direction because you'll turn to stone.

I love that you put her in your vlogs, by the way.

Oh my god, I love that she's into it.

Yeah, we love her.

Sometimes I get confused, sometimes I think she's not. Apparently her husband, he like hates us.

No, he doesn't hate you, he's just—

She's like a Mexican grandmother. Goddammit, sorry. She's like a Guatemalan grandmother and like she's very cute and adorable and we always make jokes about her wanting to sleep with like Todd, like who's our sexy roommate. And, and like I've heard stories where her husband's getting like a little like like, okay, enough of those jokes, which I completely understand.

Yesterday we had Chicky come over to shoot some bits, and, um, and we were all set. I flew in from Boston, Brandon, and we were gonna all meet at 1 o'clock. Me, Chicky, and David were all gonna meet at my house at 1 o'clock. Chicky got there, said hi to her. I said hi to her husband. We were laughing.

Her husband gets out of the car.

Yes, he does. And I said, are you gonna hang out? And he said, he's like, he's like, no, I have stuff to do. I have a Bible I have to practice my Bible reading. And I was like, nice, okay, cool. And then, uh, and then David shows up a couple minutes later.

Like, 10 seconds later, you were hiding. I was high. I pulled up and I saw Chiqui and her husband getting out of the car, and I took another lap around the neighborhood.

And then you were like, did you see me? Did you see me take another lap? I'm like, no, I didn't see you.

I was so scared. I was like, this guy's gonna kick my ass.

No, no, I think he's fine. How do you drive my car?

It's, it's actually awful.

It is? You don't like it?

So spoiled with my Tesla. Oh, there's nothing that like—

it's weird cuz I mean, I loaned it to you and you— oh no, no, no, I seem like that would maybe not such a nice thing to say.

You asked me how I like it. I wasn't gonna say like, I love that you let me use it.

I love the way you said it too. Oh, oh no, it's actually awful. Like, I thought you're gonna say— I swear it was gonna come out of your mouth I thought you're gonna go, oh, it's amazing, such a great— good for you, Jason.

I'm like, I'm giving you my honest opinion. I love that I get to use it, and it makes me like, I mean, I'm super happy, but like, if I'm like giving an honest car review, it's—

don't like it.

I mean, I do. I'm so spoiled by my car. It's— when I say it's the best car in the world, people don't understand it till they get behind the wheel of it. Like, I had my friends come in like from out of town, and they sat down, they drove it for like 10 minutes, and they're like, I just— I can't believe what just happened.

Really?

Because it's life-changing. I'm not trying to toot my own horn. Like, I'm not trying to be like, look at the car I have. This car, the Tesla Model X, or any Tesla, is an incredible car.

I think Tesla— I think Tesla's— you want Tesla to let you— I think you want to like be in business with them and stuff, and I think that's cool. I'm not sure they need help selling cars.

No, no, they don't. They don't have like Apple. No, they don't. It's like Lamborghini and Ferrari. Even Audi doesn't need help selling their high-end cars. It's— but it's more than that. Tesla's— Tesla's almost like a statement. Tesla's more than just a car.

Well, I like my 1999 Toyota Corolla.

You don't have a Toyota Corolla.

No, I have a Ford Explorer. It's very nice.

And it looks like— it's the car that looks like a cop car.

Yeah, it did. And cop cars— they actually make cop cars out of it, and it terrifies people.

It does. I got out— I got out and I forgot that you parked here, and it was in my driveway, and I'm like, shit, I thought it was a cop. But like, it took me 3 seconds to realize that it wasn't. What I wanted to say is you went to Boston recently.

I did.

This is my favorite thing. I haven't even brought it up to you yet.

What?

If we weren't podcasting, the second you got home, I would just want to start screaming at you about this. What? Jason went to a fireworks show. You know how I can tell? Because 14— guys, I counted— 14 of his Instagram stories were just the fireworks.

As I was doing it, I was like, is this too much? Is David gonna give me shit for this?

Like, what? No commentary, nothing. Like, he wasn't even making jokes about the fireworks. It was just like, it was like as if I was locked in a prison cell.

Don't fucking watch it. Just flip to the next person.

It's just so crazy that you've been on social media longer than me and you don't realize that that's like a big joke is to like, it was when people do that.

Do too much?

Yeah.

I liked it, I thought it was cool.

It's super cool.

I got so many DMs that people loved my fireworks show. I did.

'Cause they felt bad for you.

No, I got so many DMs like, wow, that's so cool. You're on fireworks. Those are awesome fireworks. I swear. Brandon told me that too. They go, Brandon told me that you were upset about how many fireworks I did.

Damn. The people DM you, oh, I love the fireworks. I wish I could go outside. It's been 30 years. Please help me.

I'm locked in this man's basement. No, I mean, it's a great fireworks show. I'm being held captive.

No, like, it's just— I don't know, maybe especially because I have this like weird thing with fireworks where I'm like, you got to be there in person. Like, there's— you can't— I love fireworks and you can't replicate it in video. Like, it's the most magical thing. I don't know why I feel so screwed last night on the fireworks. Yeah, so I have— so last night we came to my place to watch them, to watch the fireworks. It's the most beautiful, like, the most beautiful view you can get on this side of the hill. It's great. I'm so happy. And we're like, it's gonna be— we're gonna see fireworks. We are, we're definitely gonna see fireworks. And we saw a bunch of fireworks, but they're like 20 miles away. And we were waiting for one fireworks show to start, and it was Universal Studios, and it's right, it's literally in my backyard. Like, you can see Harry Potter World, you see everything, and I'm like, this is it, I'm so excited, and they start, and they're all behind one building. The only building.

The Comcast building.

The only building that blocks my view is the Comcast building.

It's weird too, it's the valley, it's the only big building in the valley.

It's like, I don't know how to explain it, but it's the only building that's over 5 stories, I think, Probably. And it's about like 40 stories, probably 40 or 50 stories.

Yeah, oh, it's big. It's like a New York City building.

And it's the only building there. And it's like so far away that it shouldn't even be blocking anything. But the fireworks were coming up right behind it. And I have this weird fetish for fireworks. And I just, I couldn't get my fix. And now I'm trying to get Jason to come back with me to my hometown and watch the fireworks show because I—

Yeah, can we not go to your hometown?

You hate my hometown.

No, I like it there. I've been twice already.

I like going to my hometown because it's just a lot of good energy there.

Why do you like it so much?

Because it's dead. There's nothing to do there.

But like, you're not gonna get a great vlog. I mean, you'll get a great vlog. You could get a great vlog there, but why wouldn't you just go somewhere else for your vlog? Like, you're gonna film. I don't understand why you wouldn't just—

Because my hometown just doesn't—

it like, it's—

dude, it, it, it's so confusing to me. Everything, everyone that lives there. And everybody that just— like, it's just such a confusing place to me, and that's why I love it. Because it's like—

Why is it confusing?

Because it's— I feel like people are stuck. Like, I feel like I go—

You're fascinated with it.

And I'll go to the shopping mall and I'll talk to a shopping clerk and I'll be like— and like, this is so like— like, I shouldn't be thinking like this because I've only been to LA. Like, I'm not a world traveler at all. But I always think, like, one of my best friends, Alex, Alex Newman from back home, like he just stays at home all day. I'm like, dude, do you realize like what's out there? And I've only been to like one other city, right? But like, but like, that's how I look. Like when I go back, I feel like I'm like, you know, like Forrest Gump and I just ran across like all the, the entire US. And I'm like, guess what's out there, guys? I saw an alligator the other day.

So you want to go back there and—

No, no, I don't want to go back, back there and like think about how depressing it is. I just like I like how like mellow it is and like nothing's going on because like you're not— it's like the most laid-back environment ever.

Does it— because you're— does it lift a lot of pressures from you? Because you're under a lot of stress.

Well, it's either relaxing or it isn't.

I know, it's like a weird in-between, Jason. I don't want to get into it.

It's not like you live—

it's not—

it's not the beach. So it's not It's gonna be hot. I know you don't even go into the city.

Okay, we won't go back.

No, I want to go there.

Happy?

No, I want to go, but I just think let's just go somewhere else too.

Where do you want to take a trip?

Let's go to— and like, take your vlog to Amsterdam.

I can't leave the country.

You can. You said it takes 3 weeks, so it takes 3 weeks, guys. I have nothing.

Let me fill people in on my legal status just so we don't have to—

running from ICE. Running from ICE for a while.

My, like, I'm what you would call a dreamer. Sounds so damn lame. They gave that a name on purpose because they just hate immigrants. They're just like, fuck you guys. You guys are dreamers.

Look at these stupid fucks.

They should have called us like fairy butterfly print. I don't even know. Listen, anyway, I'm a dreamer and basically it's my parents took me here again, not against my own will, but like I had no choice because I was so young. Right. So it's not like I made the decision to come here and like migrate. And I was like 6 or 7 or 5. I don't know how old I was when I got here, but my visa expired. So I wasn't allowed to stay here anymore. I had to move back. And I'm not like— I'm on the border of being an illegal citizen, an illegal immigrant. Sorry, I'm not a citizen. I'm not a citizen of the US and I'm on the border of being an illegal immigrant. And And it sucks because like I couldn't get my driver's license because I didn't have a social security number. So I got it when I was like 17 and that's when I finally got my license. And I can't leave the country. This is what I heard from my lawyer or from my parents. I don't know who I heard this from, but if I leave the country without telling anybody, I wouldn't be able to reenter or try to reenter like legally for another 10 years. So it's like in Pirates of the Caribbean when Orlando Bloom steps on land. And he can't go back for another like 40 years or whatever, right? I'm in the same situation. I'm a pirate.

And also you're a huge cock like Orlando Bloom too.

I have a huge cock.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you know that about Orlando Bloom?

That he's a huge cock?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's the same thing.

There's some pictures that came out a few months ago. I've got a whole dossier on it. I'll show it to you later.

Yeah, he looks like he's a huge penis.

So if you went to like Mexico—

Thanks for making light of my immigrant situation.

I said you have a big cock.

I'm kidding. I said you have a big cock.

You— so if you went to Mexico right now, I would—

what I would have to do is I would have to tell my lawyer.

But let's say you didn't, that you went to Mexico and they wouldn't let you in. Would they send you to Slovakia or would you stay in Mexico?

I can stay wherever, but I can't enter the US again.

Can't come back.

What's so screwed up about all this is I— I mean, I'll be honest, I paid a lot of money in taxes last year. I paid— sure, I can tell people how much I paid, right? Is that normal or do people not say that?

I think it's okay.

Yeah, I paid— I mean, I don't know, I guess it's weird now that I've hyped it up. Well, now I'm hyping it up a little more.

Now I want to know.

I mean, I paid a couple hundred thousand dollars in taxes.

Sure.

Which is ridiculous for not being a citizen, you know what I mean?

Well, you use the roads. You really use the roads. I've seen you drive.

That's my toll?

Yeah, I mean, you know.

No, it's just screwed up how I can't re-enter and enter the country when I'm giving it so much money.

It's messed up for sure.

And I don't know.

So why can't you—

and like, if I wasn't a Dreamer, like, basically what a Dreamer is, like, Obama pardoned a bunch of immigrants, and that's what it was, a bunch of students, and it was me. So if he wouldn't have done that, I would have gotten deported. So that's what he did. And that's— so wait, right now Trump's elected, so like, I'm not making any progress, guys. I don't know anything about politics, so if I'm like messing things up and you're actually like also a Dreamer and you like I hate saying the word Dreamer, and you know what the situation is.

You said it a bunch.

Yeah, I know.

So when that happened, when Obama, were you kind of worried that you were gonna get deported before that happened?

No, no, no, I was so young, I didn't even know.

But Obama was only president 8 years ago. So when you were 10.

My parents told me that, I was excited to get my driver's license, and I still remember I was in the car with my dad, and that's when my dad broke the news to me. He's like—

What did he say?

He's like, you can't get your license. I'm like, what do you mean? Do it.

You cannot get your license, David.

Why, Dad?

Fucking, I don't know. Fucking, you're a dreamer.

No, but yeah, I was—

so, so he said you can't get your license.

I can't get my license. And I'm like, why can't I get my license? And he's just like, you don't have a Social Security number. And I'm like, what does that mean? And he's like, you're not You're not like—

were you like at the DMV and he broke this to you?

No, he's like teaching me how to drive. He's like, yeah, this is all for nothing. No, no, this was like I was going in my sophomore year, junior year, whatever, and this is when everybody was taking their driver's driving test or whatever. Yeah, I just couldn't take it because I didn't have it.

And did that bum you out? You can get your license?

Yes.

You're so bummed.

And like, I took it out on my parents. I'm like, like, like, what the hell's wrong with you guys? Like, you had, you had X amount of years to fix this. And like, I've talked to my lawyer. I've spoken to my lawyer.

Either one works.

Anyway, I've speak to my lawyer. I can say this, man. I'm a legal speaketh. And I talked to my lawyer and he, he's just like, there's nothing you can do. There's nothing. Like, there's nothing I can do.

How did you get the Social Security card?

I don't know. Oh, that was, I think, because of the Dreamer Act. That was because of the pardon.

So you're sitting there, 16, no license, and then all of a sudden Obama gets into office.

It wasn't all of a sudden. My dad was like, there may be a thing that Obama's doing that may be able to get you this license.

So that must have been like a really happy day for you.

It was, but I still didn't understand it.

Or at least for your parents, they must have been stoked.

I'm sure, yeah, I'm sure my parents were happy. But yeah, so—

So suddenly when you were 17, Obama came in, he passes this law, You go down to the courthouse in Chicago and you get a Social Security card?

Yeah, it was basically like that.

Are you making all of this up? Is this all a lie? Because you're not giving any kind of good details.

Because I don't know.

You were there! Barely. You don't remember it?

I just didn't care for it.

I didn't understand what was going on.

It was that, and I never believed that I wasn't a citizen. You know what I mean?

That's so you.

I was like, what do you mean I'm not legal? Like, what?

Did you see me? I was just over at the mall hanging out.

I was just talking to my American friends. I'm just drinking Bud Light. I have a fake ID that says I'm from here.

Fucking stupid.

Goddamn it. No, but like—

You have to deal with these people all the time.

But there's nothing— I was speaking to my lawyer now, and there's nothing I can do to fix my citizenship unless I get married. That's the only thing I can do is get married.

Do you know anybody?

Can you write—

You think of anyone?

Yeah, Jason.

Corinna?

Corinna.

Yeah.

Um, no, I mean, yeah.

You'd have to shout her out.

Corinna? Yeah, for my papers. No, if I'm marrying anyone, it's 100% gonna be Liza. It's not gonna be anybody else.

It's pretty cool. You're sitting pretty though.

Yeah, it's great. Like, I do—

there's someone will want to marry you, I'm sure.

Oh, you're talking about my immigrant status?

No, no, that too. I mean, yeah, you're lucky. You're lucky it's not as bad as— oh yeah, way worse.

It could be awful, and I'm sure people have it awful, like like terribly, but like it just sucks that like the whole taxes thing, that I had to pay taxes and I'm still not like recognized as like a member of the society here. It just doesn't make any sense.

Well, maybe we should, you know, I feel like I'm a minority.

Is that weird to say? Or am I, am I considered minority if like I'm in that like immigrant bracket?

I know what you're trying to say. I don't think you feel like you're a minority, but I feel like, you know, you're being fucked over by the system.

Every time, every time—

The way a minority is.

Yeah, okay, because every time in like school and people talk about minorities, I just assumed anyone from America is not a minority because I just assumed that like everyone, everyone gets like screwed by the American system. So you're a minority in America, right?

Wait, what are you trying to say?

Like, like I always thought, like I always thought when we brought up minority, like the minority, minority people in America, like in high school, I always thought it was everybody that wasn't from America.

Man, you went to an all-white school.

Yeah. And they were like, yep, that's true.

Do you remember in your high school, when you're at your high school, there was a— your town is super Slovak because there was a kid who David was interviewing, his high school teacher, and this kid, he knew David's vlog and he also knew me, and he walked right up to me and he goes, you are a bad father. Like that. Did I tell you that? Yeah, the kid in the back.

At my school?

In the classroom. You're a bad dad, you don't see your kids.

Yeah, there's a bunch of people.

It's very Slovak over there.

Minorities.

Tell the story about your high school.

A bunch of Europeans. The story about us going out there, there's no fun story about that.

Yeah, it is.

No, it's not.

You kept insisting on going to graduation and you wouldn't let it go.

I just don't know. I don't even know how to tell that story without sounding like a douchebag in any way.

Why? You wanted to go to graduation.

Yeah, I know, but like, I don't know. I wanted to go to graduation and they wouldn't let me because it was gonna cause a ruckus. I don't even know what that means.

But But like, oh, I know you don't want to tell the story. She wanted to sound like you're a big deal there, but it was, you were a big deal. It was funny.

It was, it was, it was funny. Cause we went to the, I, this is my favorite part. We went to go visit my old high school and, um, I made a Snapchat with my teacher cause I was interviewing him and I asked people to send me questions. And like 30 minutes later, there were a bunch of kids outside, like outside of the school, trying to break into the school from different entrances to say hi. And from other towns, from other towns, like not even from my school. And it was, it was all fun and games till security came and they're like, you gotta leave.

But it was the, it was the highest stress day of the year, graduation.

Yes.

So they're already a bunch of ragtag security guards and people that are fucking like losing their shit, even if you weren't in town. So funny.

And I'm like, and I'm like, listen, I really want to go to graduation.

Like, my David, no, David, no, you can't come to graduation. That Chicago accent.

Two of my friends, two of my friends' siblings were graduating. Dating, so I really wanted to go. And they're like, there's people, there's people spray painting cars out there. Her walkie-talkie's going off and she's like, there's some kids trying to run each other over.

No, no, the best thing is like, she's like, she's like, David, David, I— you're killing me, David. What are you doing to me? You can't— and then all of a sudden her walkie goes, uh, because we got, we've got two kids in the parking lot doing donuts. One's on the roof of the car like that.

And we turn around and literally there's a kid on the roof of the car, the kid on the hood of the car and the car just speeds by the front of the school like the most Project X thing you'll ever see. And then I'm like, oh, okay, I get it, I'm leaving.

No, and then the other security guard, the head security guard, it's like a woman in her 60s. The other security guard's like—

the dean, that's the dean of the school.

No, no, no, no, no, that's different. There was the security guard, the woman. Oh, okay. What's her name?

I don't want to say her name.

Don't want to say her name, that's fine. And then she had a subordinate under her, like a younger guy.

Oh yeah.

And he comes up and he goes, He goes, he goes, there's, he goes, there's kids in the parking lot doing donuts. They're on the roof. And he goes, he goes, she goes, she goes, I do, and she goes, do your damn job. Like that.

I'm in the dean of the school, walks out, and he's like, and Jason does the best impersonation of him.

He comes out, he's all sweaty, this big, big guy. He's wiping his forehead. He goes, David, I do, I do not dislike you, but you need to go. You need to leave, David.

That's really good.

Yeah, it was a fun story.

Did I ever tell you about how I broke my friend's hip?

Yeah, man, I can't even hear that story.

Brutal, isn't it?

It's so brutal. We were all hanging out one night in LA when he was visiting, not this time but the last time, and it like came up in conversation and I was filming and I was like, oh, I had a friend, just in case some people didn't hear it.

I had a friend back in— his name's Alex Newman.

He's your best friend?

Yeah, he's my best friend from my hometown and We were having a pinecone fight like we would normally do after school.

Right, because you know that's what everyone does.

We couldn't afford baseballs. Because kids normally throw baseballs at each other. No, but we were throwing pinecones at each other.

Now run along and go throw pinecones at each other.

My dad's mad at me.

Stop playing video games and go outside and throw pinecones. It's an old Slovakian thing, throwing pine cones.

I had a good shot at him with my pine cone, and I came up from the side, and I just chucked it, and it was one of those hard pine cones that aren't open yet. It's still closed and really hard. Do you know what pine cones are?

Sure.

Okay, so it was still closed and really hard, and it hit the side of his face and scabbed him really hard. And he got a scab, and he started picking it, 'cause he picks every scab, and a week later, his hip started to hurt. So he had to go to, um, to the, to the doctors. And I mean, long story short, the doctor ended up telling him that he got a staph infection and it stopped the growth. It stopped his, like, it's like it was bacteria. He was like 14, 15. He was like, it was, the bacteria was eating away at his hip. So they had to do like this huge surgery where he was on crutches for like 2 years of his life. Couldn't play sports ever again. He was a big kid, like a big, like, big football kid, big basketball kid, very good at basketball, still is.

Was he skinny like he is now?

I mean, no, he wasn't that skinny because he was, you know, he was bigger.

Yeah.

And, and yeah, he just couldn't ever do a sport anymore, and he was on crutches for 2 years, and it just completely ruined his life. It was an accident from both of our ends, and we like laugh about it now. But it's just like, just so crazy that like, all because I have this incredible arm, it ruined—

I love how you compliment yourself at the end of this tragedy. All because of my brute athleticism.

And also, also, this is, this is a story, I'll be honest, it's a story where any scab could have done that to him, but that was the most recent scab he had, do you know what I mean?

Oh, okay, well that makes it a little bit better.

Yeah, like it wasn't, it wasn't like, we didn't track it to the pine cone. But it was so funny.

I remember the story differently in my head. It's not as bad now that you're telling me because it wasn't that bad. I, for some reason, I thought you like, yeah, I thought you like hit him with like a chainsaw or something.

No, I remember that's my friend Jakub.

Oh, Jakub, he's fucked up.

Jakub has one leg and four fingers, doesn't even have an arm, just has four fingers in a box.

So do you, do you carry that around with you?

The story?

No, no, the tragedy. Like, do you like— is that like weigh on you?

No, because it was a complete accident, and it wasn't even like an accident where you—

fuck, you guys doing throwing pine cones at each other.

It wasn't even an accident where you like, where you hit someone with your car, right? It's like where we're both—

we're something you did every day, and we're both messing—

like, he's throwing pine cones at me, right? I could have been— that could have been me. And the, the very ironic part about all this is since he didn't play sports, he didn't go out much, so we stayed at home, and he filmed, I'm telling you, 75 to 95% of my Vines.

Really?

Yeah, like almost all of my Vines. He was the only one that was like— he was so into my Vine. He never made one on his own. He just enjoyed watching my Vines do well and grow. Like, it was very weird, and it was very nice of him. And if it wasn't for him, I don't think we'd be here recording this podcast right now.

Alex is a great dude.

So shout out to that guy and shout out to that pinecone. Shout out to my arm.

I love— I love him.

I end that entire story with shout out to myself for putting me up here. No, I sound like a douche. But Alex is— Alex is completely fine now. I mean, he's not fine. He'll need a hip replacement in like— in like 5 years when he stops growing.

When he gets the hip replacement, will his limp go away?

We don't know. Oh yeah, he walks with a limp now. Yeah, he always has been. We don't know. We don't know if he's a great dude.

I stayed at Alex's house last time we went. We had a great time.

He's great. He's the best.

I really enjoy your friends in Chicago. They're really great. I understand why you want to go back to— yeah, because it's just the town. It's just so—

I have to pay for his medical bills.

You do?

No, but it was like, it was like, it was like a quarter of a million dollars before insurance.

No wonder they live in that tiny house.

Yeah, because all that goes towards his hip.

Fuck. Yeah, brothers and sisters.

Yeah, I broke them too.

You didn't even vlog it.

I didn't. It was like, that was a complete waste of time.

Clickbait.

Why'd you throw it at him?

The best moment I think of, if I could think about anything with you, was the moment you cut your hand on the wine bottle and you were bleeding and you said clickbait, clickbait, clickbait, clickbait. That's my favorite moment from your vlog. And then the other favorite moment is when you were drilling— you were drilling the hair off my chest. Yes.

Okay, for those of you guys who don't watch the vlogs, Jason has an incredibly hairy chest. Not anymore because we waxed it this morning, right? Let me— let me say it. Let me say that that was funny. Today we were going to get Jason's hair waxed, and I pull over into a car dealership and I'm like, Jason, we're not going to get your hair waxed. And Jason's like playing dumb, like he knows what's up. He knows I'm about to get him a new car, but he's like What are we doing here? Are you going to run me over with a car?

I didn't think you were getting me.

Or in the back of his head, he's like, this is it. David's buying me a car. He's buying me a car.

No, I didn't. I knew you weren't buying me a car.

And then I go, I'm just kidding. We took a wrong turn. I got to turn back. I felt so bad. And then we go straight to the wax place and we wax his chest hair. Anyway.

And we didn't bring credit cards.

And we didn't bring credit cards, so we had to go back. It was a mess. Anyway, there's one time when Jason's chest was hairy. It was very hairy. We, um, we took, uh, we took like a power drill and we put the power drill close up to his chest and we taped the hair onto the power drill and then the power drill like high speed and instead of ripping it off, it drilled backwards. So went into his chest. Yeah, and go ahead, you take over.

No, I just love the moment where the drill was into my chest and and I was about to die, and you're going— you just go, you just go, oh, quick, quick thumbnail, quick, quick, quick, quick thumbnail. And that was it. That's—

dude, just when bad things like that happen and no one's getting hurt, but it's just like, it's like beautiful. I get so excited. Like when I filmed that and I saw the drill go into your chest, yeah, and I saw how terrified you were, and I knew how terrified I was, it's like, it's literally like discovering a new planet for me.

Yeah, it's like, it's a rush.

It's the best feeling. And I'm like, this is it.

I don't like— I don't like what people think that I do this. I'm like, you make me do this stuff.

Like, I'm always so confused by that.

I want to do it. Like, like yesterday Scott was like, you don't have to do this. And I was like, I want to make a good video. Like, I want something that's gonna—

I never understood that. It's like people think I put a gun up to your head, and I definitely don't. Right, Jason?

Can you just grab those ping-pong balls out really quick?

All right, well, that's all the time we have.

Go check out some stuff. Go check out David's vlog. It's really good. Go buy some merch and go check out our podcast.

Go buy Jason's merch. 50% of the proceeds actually go to Jason on that.

You should plug the podcast while we're here.

We are on the podcast. Oh, okay.

I just think people should know about it.

Jason, shut up.

What?

I want to go get food.

We have to promote the podcast. We got people gonna listen to it.

All right, that's it for today's podcast. Thanks for listening. Anything else to add, Jason?

Get Brett in my movies.

What?

Tell them about my great movies.

Okay, Jason has some movies. They're probably free on iTunes now. iTunes probably gave up on trying to sell them.

Talk about my kids a little bit.

Okay, we'll see you guys later.

My wife's a great person. My ex-wife.

Your ex-wife.

She's a great person, and I'm sorry our relationship didn't turn out the way it was supposed to. You know, it's, uh—

Alright, bye guys.