Going On His First Date

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where you guys wanted more sex on the podcast, so guess what? Natalie's here and Natalie's recently been extremely horny, so, uh, so let's just roll those. We're definitely gonna listen.

Uh, me, Nat, and Ella were talking about Todd, like the relationship between Todd and Natalie. And like, as a joke, I was like, so when are you gonna marry Todd? And, uh, and that's like, I don't know, like I've thought about it. Like, I was like, what?

That's not—

that's not really the conversation.

That was pretty much how it went.

That was the gist. Yes, it is.

She's like— I'm like, would you say yes? And she's like, I don't know, like I've contemplated it.

Like, can I marry you guys?

Okay, first of all, no.

What's the real story?

Okay, so we were sitting here and he jokingly asked me, he was like, he was like, what would you do if Todd asked you to marry him? And I was like, right now. Right now? And I was like, uh, I don't know, like, or whatever. And then he was like, oh my God, so you're thinking about marrying him? And I was just like, no, but I like, have I ever thought about it? Yeah, of course.

I don't know, you're reacting like that is, I see what Ilya is saying, that is pretty much like you're going like, well, because then, then we went down this whole rabbit hole.

Us three here were sitting and having this huge deep conversation about like the idea of marriage and the way that I think about marriage and the way each of us thinks about marriage.

And I had this conversation with Jeff and Taylor actually about you guys too, about you and Todd. We were like arguing whether or not you guys would get married, and I was like, I was like, I don't know, like I feel like Natalie's not like the marriage type, like she doesn't want to get married. But I was like, if she's gonna marry anybody, I think it's gonna be Todd, right?

Why would you think that?

Like, if, if you like wanted to get married, like I think this is the guy. I think you guys are like, yeah, I think you made your match.

I think so too.

Yeah, 100%.

Interesting.

Todd's like the perfect guy for you. Think about it.

That's weird because at the beginning of the relationship you're like, why The fuck are you dating Todd?

Are you fucking—

No, but now we get it.

Yeah, no, now we get it.

Now we get it.

Like, I completely get it.

What do you mean?

That's just like the type of guy that is like perfect for you. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like—

Yeah, I was thinking, I was thinking about that the other day too.

Yeah, it's literally perfect.

But then Natalie said, um, that if she does marry Todd, she'll most likely also then marry someone else, so Todd is just the first husband.

Wow.

Okay, okay, but that— okay, that makes me seem like a fucking weirdo. But this goes into my concept of marriage where I don't, like, I don't really believe in marriage. I don't believe that, like, you having a piece of paper and a ring on your finger makes it—

so if he proposed to you today, what would you say?

Well, I think that would be a little inappropriate because I would just be really caught off guard.

Okay.

And that would be a little weird.

Okay. If he talked to you today and was like, hey, I'm thinking about proposing to you maybe in, like, the next month or two—

I don't know, because the way that I, like, it would have to be very clear that, like, if I'm getting— I'm 23, 23 years old.

If this is your first marriage and This is my first marriage.

I'm 23, you know, like what's really going to happen in 20 years? Like, are we really going to be together forever? I don't know.

I'm not 23.

So you'd say yes to marrying him with him having to understand that you're probably going to get a divorce, which is kind of— I'm down. I'm down. But like, think about it. 4 years.

Because my thing is like, I'm already dating him, already with him in a sense. So like, what's the difference? Like, you're already together. Like, I mean, I understand there's differences between marriage and like just dating and whatnot. Like you're living together and you're doing all these things together, whatever. But like, that's how I'm like, I'm like, That's why I never understand when people—

well, marriage is like the commitment that like not only you're going to spend the rest of your lives together, but it's also the commitment of like, you're going to father my children. Like, I feel like that in this situation is also like that commitment. So like you saying yes to marrying him is like, hey, can I put a baby inside you? I feel like it's a little bit— it's kind of the same thing, right?

You want children, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Is this the age you would want children at?

Can you imagine children running around here right now?

Oh, you'd fucking go ballistic.

Fuck it.

You'd go ballistic if there was like a little toddler running around. 'Cause you know that that baby would take precedence over you no matter what. All the attention that goes to you—

there you go, Natalie, changing his diaper again. What the fuck's wrong with you?

All the attention that goes to you would go to this little—

I see Taylor feeding the little baby. I start crying.

Ew, Taylor's gonna breastfeed my baby.

Taylor just said breastfeeding. No, Taylor, that's not what I meant. So, Nat, so the answer is— the answer is yes. You'd probably say yes.

I, in this moment, like, if you ask me tomorrow, I would not say yes.

Oh, fuck.

Damn it, man.

Like, I have to ride it out a little bit.

Would you, um, would you, would you be cool with him being the father of your kids?

I think he's a really, like, nice, genuine, caring person, so I think that he would be— he will be a good father. I don't know if I want him to father my children right now in this moment because I don't really want kids in this moment for a little bit.

Um, I thought you wanted to be a hot mom.

I know I did have this thing where I was like, 25, I'm gonna have kids, be a hot mom, but like You know, things change.

You gotta be hot first. All right, you can't be a hot mom if you're that hot in the first place.

I saw it sitting there, but I didn't take it.

Yeah, I took it. I wrote it all the way down.

I see.

Last night I went to dinner, and I was with my friend who's like kind of obsessed with celebrities, and like she's visiting me here in LA, so like every time we go out, she's like on the lookout for celebrities, right? And she went to the bathroom, and she comes back like running, and she's Go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom. I'm like, what? It's like, I think it's J.Lo. I think it's J.Lo and A-Rod.

No way.

And I swear. And I was like, what? Okay, so I go to the bathroom. There are two stalls, one for girls and one for boys, and there's like a line. And so I like pretend to like go and look in the line and there's J.Lo. And I was like, my God.

Oh, really?

So I stand there. A-Rod comes out of the other bathroom and they like walk past us and then the line just is not there anymore because they were all her bodyguards that were just in line. So then there was no line and then we go into the bathroom and it smelled so bad. Like it was— I think A-Rod went in there and just shit his fucking brains out. Funny. And probably J.Lo too, because both bathrooms smelled terrible. And then they just left. And then both me and my friend, like, went into the bathroom. So I actually had to go and I was like, oh my God, it smells so bad.

A-Rod dropped an A-log.

He really dropped one. It was so— and then, like, she couldn't stop talking about it. She was like calling her mom, like, Mom, Mom, I just saw J.Lo in the bathroom and she like shit right before me. So I me and JLo sat on the same toilet. She was freaking out. It was really funny.

I don't know if it could have been a sewage problem. We don't know if— let's be fair to A-Rod, he might not have taken a big dump in there. A-Rod, if you want to come on, can I say this right now? Clear your name.

It was me.

I was you.

I was at that restaurant. I knew it. No, I will say this, I fucking— the, the worst part of going to like any public bathroom is when it smells really bad. It's not like enduring the smell, it's when you walk out of that public bathroom and now you have to explain to the guy walking in next that what what is in there is not you.

Exactly.

Like, that's the worst. So like, you know, it'll be like really smelly, you'll be walking on, a guy's waiting, and you'll have to go, what's in there? I have nothing to do with it, man. Like, yeah, I, I got— that's like, that's like, that's the toughest, like, that's the toughest interaction you have to deal with in public bathrooms. Have you ever done that?

Yeah, I was gonna say, you've done that?

Literally, I think I've done it like 6 or 7 times.

Me too.

When you've never done that? No, you've never left a smelly bathroom and been like, yo, be careful in there, that's not me?

Maybe to somebody that I know.

Yeah, I feel like the last person I do it to is somebody I know. To random people, I always say that.

You don't say like it was— I would say more like you come out and you're like, it smells really bad in there. Like, it was like that before I got in or something.

But I guess that's what you would say too, if it was you that did the smell too. Like, even if I would like took like this massive disgusting shit, I'd still be like, yeah, I was the last guy. I had fucking nothing to do with that shit.

But it is really embarrassing when you're— when you know there are like people in line, especially like if it's a public bathroom and like it's smelly and you're like, no, you're going to walk on, it's going to smell like shit, right?

The worst is when you have to use a bathroom and it's so close to everybody. That's the worst.

Like this one.

Yeah, the one here. We have one in the living room and it's like right off of— it's right off of the couch. And when, like, guests come for business meetings, they'll go, where's the bathroom? And we'll go right here and we'll point. It's right here. And then they'll go and it's like it'll be the exec of like fucking Pepsi taking a piss and like everybody hears him taking a pee because it's so close. And it's such an awkward thing. And like one time we were at a meeting and one of the guys got up to go pee during the meeting and he was peeing for a really long time. And the guys that were pitching us something just started fucking cracking up because the pee was so long and it was so loud and we all heard in the living room. We were just like, fuck, we got to move this fucking bathroom or we got to bulletproof and soundproof that fucking room or something. Earlier today, this is a big one. This is the big story of the podcast. If there's a story, if there is, you know, if there are stories and there are stories, sure, this is it.

Involve Natalie fucking up?

No, no, no, that's just the story. Okay, this is, this is big. Ilya went to go see a girl today.

Why is that a big deal, dude?

Fuck you, bro. What the fuck you mean? I fucking knew he would react like that, bro. He comes in my— okay, okay, this entire week I've— this entire week I've been—

listen, listen, such a dick.

This entire week I've been like, bro, why don't you tell me when you hook up with people? Like, why are you leaving me in the dark? Like, I'm your friend.

Why do you need to know? Because it's just like a thing.

Oh, it's 100%. It's all we fucking talk about is everyone's dating life, sex, everything. And Ilya never tells us about any fucking shit.

It's so weird.

I'm his closest friend.

What the fuck?

How's that supposed to make me feel? No, but so I've been like giving him shit for it all week. So today at like 2:30 PM, he walks into my room and he goes, hey man, I'm gonna go see a girl. I'll see you later. And I go, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you going?

Like, you can't just fucking leave after dropping that on me. It's like, it's literally coming and be like, hey, I just discovered fucking new chemical. I don't know, it's a big deal.

It's not a big deal.

It is a big deal.

So how is it a big deal?

Exactly. So I start asking him all these questions. He's like, why are you asking me all these questions? And I, and I, and I tell Natalie about this later, and I go, Natalie's seeing a girl. And she starts asking me all these questions, and she goes, where is she? Do you know what she looks like? Like, what is— and like, I'm like, I'm like, no, but I asked all these fucking questions to Ilya and he wouldn't answer shit.

Come on, it's not like I'm going to see this girl that like I'm in love with and like she's gonna be my fucking wife. Like, I'm just— I just saw a girl. Like, yeah, I hung out with girl, who fucking cares? Like, we do. Usually how it works is, is I, I fucking— I, I set up the date and then I go and then you guys just never know. And that's just how it is.

Like, what is the big deal?

David and Jason, like, when they're texting a girl, we're all fucking powwowing.

I'll find a girl on Instagram and I'll show it to Ella, Taylor, Natalie. I'll be like, what do you think? You think she'd want to move with me back to Chicago?

Like, I go through everything.

I'm planning on— I'm planning on my entire life when I see a fucking pretty girl. Don't tell anybody.

But like, yeah, I just don't feel like it's necessary to fucking go through all that.

If you want to keep that private, that's one thing.

But it's not about— it's literally not even about keeping it private. It's like, it doesn't matter.

I don't understand. It obviously matters if we care. Okay, what is—

it doesn't matter to me though, but it matters. It mattered to me. Okay, okay, if it mattered to me, right, I go in your room. Okay, okay, I'm going to see this girl.

So anyway, I asked, I asked him about this. I asked him about this girl. I asked about this girl. I'm like, can I, can I just fucking please see— can I see this girl? And he's like, okay, fine. So he got his Instagram. All of a sudden she's on fucking private, so he can't, he can't get to her Instagram. Fucking top secret. All of a sudden she goes to a different school, doesn't have a fucking cell phone. So I asked, so, so yeah, so then he, and then he goes, how far away was she?

Malibu.

She was in Malibu. Oh, so nice. Okay, so this is what I asked him too. This is what I asked him too. I was like, I was like, I was like, does she have friends? And, and he was like, yeah, yeah, that's what he thought. He was like, oh, why, you want to come? I was like, no, like, like, what kind of a house are you walking into? Like, are you walking into a family gathering? People there? She's home alone? Like, what's the situation? And he's like, oh, I don't know, I think she's alone.

Phone.

I'm like, how do you not know? Like, you should know, right?

Yeah, it's pretty fucked up.

It's so fucking weird.

No, I know it's not that fucked up.

It's so crazy.

No, it's not. Typically it's like, it's whoever I'm hanging out with, it's just that person.

Hold on a second. How often do you hang out with girls?

Not often.

Okay, that's also, I think, a reason why.

How many times a month?

Maybe twice.

What?

What? A lot or a little? Yeah, that's 2 more times than I thought.

Oh, I was convinced since you've moved here that you have never even like seen a girl.

Yeah, I was too.

I thought you'd take like different— I thought you'd take like different streets, like just to avoid women at all times, so you never talk about them.

And you're literally always here.

Yeah, but like, I don't see the point of talking about them, you know what I mean?

Because we love it. Okay, hold on. Okay, so what happened?

Okay, so every time now that I'm gonna be fucking hanging out with a girl, I'm gonna let the whole house know.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna Instagram No, you don't have to tag you in it, but just like be like, bro, every one of our guy friends— no, no, no, when they're hooking up with a girl, they go—

Alex, Alex tells you every time he hooks up with a girl.

Alex who?

Newman, bro.

He fucking lives in Connecticut compared to where we are. Yeah, I'm saying the people I see every day—

who tells you who they're hooking up with? Jay texts you and goes, I'm hooking up with this girl.

If I was with— if I was with Zane or fucking— no way they tell you. Yes, they'd be like, look who I'm hooking up with tonight.

Bullshit.

Yes.

All right, well, that's fucking weird. I've never done that before.

I don't like doing that. Yeah, dude, I did that the other— I did that the other day with somebody I matched with, and I showed it to Brandon, and he was like, oh yeah, I fucked her.

That's a little different.

That's a little different.

I think it's weird. Okay, so this is like— I think girls are definitely different than guys. Like, guys are way more private about this stuff. But like, for me as a girl, even if it's a guy I don't give a fuck about, you best believe there's at least one girl that knows every single thing. As soon as he fucking texts me, that screenshot is going to someone.

You know what's crazy? You don't even show me any messages with girls.

Which is like, I feel like, like, I feel like he needs advice, but he's like not asking anyone for it.

No, maybe he doesn't need advice.

Definitely do not need any advice. 100%.

Okay, okay, hold on, hold on. So what happened today? You went to this thing? Let's get to it. How was it? Now fuck off. Why does it matter? How many people were in the house?

Just her and I.

Oh my God, you hit the jackpot!

Was it a nice house?

Break down what happened.

I'm not breaking shit down. Come on, you're asking me about my fucking— the girl that I hung out with today?

Does Joe know about her?

Joe, you know about her?

I'm his best friend.

Fuckin' son of a bitch. Joe, do you know about her? Sort of. What do you know? She's nice. She's lovely.

This sounds like a bunch of— Joe doesn't know anything. The only thing that Joe knows—

You are driving David so fucking crazy right now that you know about the girl and David doesn't.

The only thing that Joe knows is that I hung out with her. Okay, can you—

She asked me what I was doing. Okay, so what happened? What happened?

Nothing fucking happened, bro.

You just got there and you stared at a wall? Yes! No fucking way!

I literally got there, I sat down, I was so nervous I just fucking I stared at a wall the whole time. The whole time?

Yes.

She didn't think that was weird?

No, she didn't. She liked it.

She liked it? Yeah, she was like, I love that wall too. That's what she said.

That's what we connected on.

Oh, so you connected about something? Come on, bro, what the fuck? You're being— you're being a dick.

I'm not being a dick, you're being a dick.

Your reasoning's not even to, to, to keep it private.

But what if she hears the podcast? Then it's gone and told everything.

No, it didn't go bad.

What color hair does she have?

Brown.

Okay, and then you saw her today. She opened the door for you.

Dude, I fucking hate you. Come on, she didn't—

she looked like a big mansion.

Important at all.

Okay, hold on, hold on.

Let's— okay, why can't you—

why can't you give us a little bit more details?

What detail do you want?

Do you guys have sex?

Fucking house.

Did you guys have sex? Did you guys have sex?

I'm gonna end it. Watch a movie at 3 PM.

I was watching it at 7 PM.

At 3 PM. What were you watching? Hey Arthur? What the fuck is on at that time?

Prior to that, we fucking— we may have gone to the beach.

You had sex on the beach? What was it? What happened? Nothing. Did you have sex?

Yes.

Oh wow, you couldn't even fucking build it up to that point.

You have to fucking get off my dick.

Oh, it kind of been that good though. Looks like she didn't.

It kind of been that good. You know why? Because— I mean, actually, I don't know, because he's fucking weird about this, but like, I feel like like if you haven't had sex in a while, you'd come in here when he came back pretty happy.

I call bullshit on the whole thing.

What, you think he didn't see a girl? You know what I think he did? I think he went—

it sounds fucking suspicious, Dave.

He took his new bike, his new Ducati, and I think he fucked its exhaust. He loves that new bike so much, I think he put his dick in the exhaust by the beach. Granted, maybe that part's true. I don't think he hung out with the girl though.

I don't either. I call suspicious Antwerp right here, right now.

Antwerp. John, fucking please. John, sorry I called you John. I'm just so pissed at you, like I'd be pissed at John. It'll come out.

The thing is, you never tell me about girls.

That's such a lie.

Yeah, you never tell me either, you little bitch.

You're 58.

I don't care, I want to know.

Dave, you don't.

Yes, I do.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

You told me about maybe one girl that you like.

All right, I'll tell you about a girl right now.

Her name is Natalie Portman.

So guess, guess what happened, Jay? You'll probably think this is crazy. This girl DM'd me, she goes, what Ella said was so normal on the podcast about nudes.

Oh yeah, about that for a second.

That's what she DM'd me. And I responded, haha, she will be happy to hear people agree with her. And then she liked it. Then she DM'd me saying, yay, I love the podcast. And I responded saying, finally someone. And she goes, not just anyone, a 5-foot-2 Latina who is great with airports. And I go, bullshit, you're 5-foot-2. And then she goes, deadass.

Sounds perfect.

And she sends nudes.

And she says deadass.

Sounds like your wife.

Sounds like my wife. She lives in Toronto. Now tell me about how you got to the beach and how you had sex with her.

I'll fucking tell you my recent DM if we're going to do this shit.

No, we want to know about this girl.

Why are you being such an asshole?

You're being a fucking asshole.

I'm being so cool with you right now. I'm your friend.

Let's move on. Joe and I have a story.

Would you guys fuck each other on the beach? Because that's the only story. The only story I want to hear is about people having sex on the beach. Are you jealous? Yeah, I'm jealous.

This is pretty funny.

Wait, can I just—

Okay, go, go.

This girl DMs me. She goes, whose dick I got to suck to take you on a date? 'JK, I know the answer is David.' And I said, 'I'm pretty flexible, either one works.' Yeah, and then we just talked for a little bit.

That's pretty funny.

I had a girl tell me the other night that she wanted me to dress up as Dr. Phil and have sex with me.

Really?

And I thought about it, like I really considered it because I hadn't had sex in so long. And I really thought about it, and I was in my bed and I was like—

You're in your bed?

I was in my bed and I was imagining, I was like, 'Oh yeah.' And then I was like, 'I can't do that.' You're in your bed and you're just—

you look inside your closet and there's just one lights shining on the Dr. Phil outfit, and you're just like, should I get it in? Should I get it in that outfit? Just like a superhero being called back to work.

She wanted to call you Daddy, I guess.

I don't know. I'm not sure.

Yeah, I was so fucking horny. I was so horny last night. So I dislocated my shoulder yesterday.

That turns you on?

No.

So I dislocated my shoulder boxing yesterday, and my shoulder was like in so much pain when I went to bed. But for like whatever reason, I got so fucking horny at like 3:00, 4:00 AM, I got up and I masturbated, like, with all this pain in my shoulder. Oh, fuck.

Why don't you use your other hand?

I can't use my left hand masturbating.

Really?

Can you?

Yeah, I can use both.

You use both hands?

Yeah, I'm ambidextrous.

You couldn't masturbate because one of your, your shoulder was dislocated?

Why did you call me?

You want me to— you wanted to do it for me?

I'm your friend, bro. Right, right. Next time, everything I complain about— you were jerking off without me. Are you kidding me? No.

Okay. Anyways, when you guys were gone in Utah, Joe and I wanted to, like, play a little prank on you where I brought a girl over.

The prank is that Ilya pretends to have sex with a girl while you're away. Like, just, just in his own room. Yeah.

Yeah. But not a girl. So it would have been— it would have been two girls. It would have been a girl, like, comes in.

Right.

And then like, I don't know, fucking Taylor has like her notifications on. So she looks at— she goes, Dave, Dave. And then like 15 minutes later she gets another notification. It's another girl that comes in and you're like, well, what the fuck is going on?

Right, right. Like a gangbang.

Right, right. Anyways, I was going to do that, but we ended up not doing it. But one of the girls that, that Joe like wanted to come over, that's, that's the girl that I was that I sent you. He sent you a picture of her, and I said deadass because she was actually gonna come over that night.

That was the girl. Oh, but she was like for the bit.

For the bit.

So when I was explaining it to her, Ilya sent me a picture of this girl that he was hooking up with, and she looked like a porn star, right? Is she a porn star? Uh, Playboy. Playboy. I had to reverse image search her on Google. Did you? Yeah, I put her into Google and I reversed the image so I could see more pictures because he cropped out her Instagram.

Intentionally? Yeah.

So I wanted to see who this girl was, and I fucking spent like a good 8 minutes looking up this girl. I texted the picture to Natalie. I was like, tell me what you can find out on this girl.

That's why you didn't respond right away.

This is what I'm talking about. Now you fucking wonder why I don't fucking tell you.

Well, the reason I have to do this is because you don't— you don't tell me. Okay, so I feel like a fucking, like, overbearing father right now.

So yeah, so fucking Joe— Joe was talking to this girl on the phone, right?

And I'm trying to explain to her this shitty prank that we're pulling on you.

Yeah. And she's like, Oh, so your friend's a virgin?

And Joe goes, Joe goes, no, no, he's not a virgin. I hear that. I'm like, Joe, give me the fucking phone. Let me talk to her. I grabbed the phone. I'm like, I'm not a virgin, I promise. I'm not a virgin.

He's like, and after we finish the photos, uh, maybe we could like drink, smoke, we'll hang out, we'll watch a movie.

It won't be weird. It's like, that's exactly what a virgin would say.

Yeah, yeah.

And so did she come by?

No, she canceled.

He got nervous because he's a virgin.

Ilya's fake date got canceled. Premise of the story is Joe painted me as a fucking virgin to this girl, man. It's so fucked up of you, Joe.

I paint you as a virgin too, fucking with the little stories you tell me. Yeah, you act like it.

It's not a big deal.

Oh, is that why you've been calling him a virgin for the past week and a half?

Yeah, I'm trying to spread that rumor.

Yeah. And Ilya, like, he— this is a new joke. It's like, you know how he gets mad when you call him short?

Yeah.

The new one is a virgin. And like the other day we were in the office and Joe kept on calling him a virgin and he got so mad. He gets up, he's like, Joe, fucking stop it. I'm not fucking virgin. You want me to prove it right now that I'm not fucking virgin? I'm going right out, have sex.

You're going to fucking watch me.

And he goes on his Insta story and he makes a video and he's like, you want me to tell them that I'm a virgin? And he goes, okay guys, I'm a fucking virgin. And he's like, I'm going to post it. I'm going to post it. And Joe's just like, no, don't post it. Just wait for my video. Then you can post it.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

So I'm a virgin.

The other day we were here, remember? And someone came banging on the door. It's like this random woman. She's like— she's like in her early 20s, came banging on the door. She's like, David! And she screamed. And we went out there and she just had like a panic attack. And she was like— she was like, never mind, never mind. You can't— you can't help me. You can't help me. And fucking stormed out of our driveway. A random stranger just stormed out of our driveway. And fucking knocked the neighbor's basketball hoop over, made a loud noise. And we followed her all the way back to the subway station because we're like, what's wrong with this girl? Let's talk to her. She's been here 2 days already, like 2 nights. She just sits outside on the curb. And this time she like built up courage to come knock on our door. And, um, and then fast forward a day later, I get a text. It's from the neighbor and it's like, someone keyed the Bronco. And the Bronco had like symbols in it, like letters, like not like keyed, like a scratch, like full-on symbols and like sketched into the car. And then had my name in it too, like David spelled out, like, you know, the D was a triangle, the A was a triangle, the V obviously a triangle. Everything was like keyed and like properly keyed. And like there was like an image of like, there was like a picture in the car, in the Ford Bronco, a really expensive car, really pretty car. So I go out there and I go check, and the girl that was there that night is sitting right next to the car. And I go, hi. And, and she's like, hi. And I go, did you key this car? And she goes, I did. I'm here to apologize. And I go, okay, explain what happened. And she explains. And she goes right back into like being not all there and really scary. And I don't know what to say. And like everyone, Ilya's texting me or Natalie's texting me like, get away from her like this. She could be dangerous, whatever. So I, So I tell her, I sit down with her and I was talking to her for a little bit. She's fucking— she obviously just needed help. And, and I tell her, I'm like, I'm going to call the police. I'm going to call the police, but you have my word, like, I'm not going to get you in trouble. I just want you to get help. Is that okay?

Right.

And she goes, yeah, that sounds good to me. So I call the police. First of all, call the police here is fucking— have you ever called the police here? It's a pain. They don't come. They don't come for shit.

Right.

I was transferred 3 times because when you call the police here, if it's not an emergency, like if you're not being held to like with a gun to your fucking face, they don't care. And that's, that's totally fair because they're busy, right? Right. Other fucking shit going on. Sure. So I got transferred 3 times, deadass, 3 times to different police stations. And then they finally, they finally came. The neighbors told me that the other night they called the police because she was banging on everybody's doors and they never showed up. And they called 2 hours later and they were like, do you still need us to come? They just, they just never showed up. Yeah, the police never showed up. So, so I'm sitting there with her waiting for the police. And, and I'm just like, so why did you— like, why did you come here? And I'm like, do you know who I am? And she's like, yeah, I know who you are. She's like— she was like, I was watching your videos. I was watching all your videos, and then, and then he told me to just go for it. He told me to just go for it. And I was like, who told you? And she's like, the guy who's in my head. He just told me to go for it. And, and then she found my address and she just showed up at my house, and she's like, I was told that if I came here everything would be answered. And like, she kept coming to my house every night because she thought she was gonna get these answers. And she's like, she's like, every night I came here, I got an answer, I got another answer, and I kept coming back for more answers, more answers. And she was like, not there. I'm like, are you on any drugs? And she's like, no, I swear to God, I don't do drugs. But she was obviously very disturbed. Um, so yeah, so I mean, nothing really happened. The police came, um, they were super, super fucking nice. I made sure of that. I was like, like, she just needs help. And they're like, okay. We're going to get you to a hospital. And she was like, okay. She was super compliant with them. And then the cop, the cop came up to me. She's like, how does she know where you live? And I'm like, I do social media for a living. And the cop goes, ah, did you post your address on internet? And I go, I go, I go, I go, no, no, no, no. She's just— I think she just like saw some of my videos and she just, she kind of just found it. And she's like, okay, I see. I think what you're gonna want to do from now is you're gonna want to change your name on social media. And I go, I go, no, I think it's too late for that. And she goes, she goes, like, how about you just— even, even if you just take David and you shorten it to D? And I go, that's not gonna help. It was really funny explaining to this woman that, like, I just, like, I can't go back.

Tom Brannon, David's new name. Hey, Tom.

I just changed my fucking name from now on.

I go podcast with Tom Brannon and Jason Nash.

Welcome back.

Yeah, but yeah, no. And then she— they took her away. It's just such a fucking crazy thing that this girl was just like— and really fucked up Natalie's car. I just— I felt bad.

It's like, that was nice. You took the time. You made it better for her.

I hope so.

She come back?

No, she hasn't. I think they take her to the hospital for like a night or two. And that's— that's why we need to move.

Yeah, but that's why it was dangerous that you like were talking to her because you don't know.

But I was there and I was like close enough where if she like pulled out a gun, like I could, I could have really kicked her right in the stomach. I had a whole plan.

What would you do?

Well, she was standing right by the curb, so I was like, if I push her a little bit, she'll fall on her butt because she's already near the curb.

You would suss that out in your brain.

I had it, bro. It's like Iron Man. I fucking, I was like, there's a telephone pole there. If I, if I cut into here, it'll fall right on her. And then, and then if I throw this lemon peel at her feet, she'll trip and that'll give me just enough time to get over to the motorcycle. Um, no, but yeah, that was, that was an interesting moment.

Well, I want to talk about something. Ilya's fucking hobbies.

Ilya's hobbies are bad.

No, the amount of time that he goes between being obsessed with something and then not being obsessed with something. Since I moved here, Ilya has made me also buy a skateboard, rollerblades. Now it's a bike. Then it was— and it was boxing outside. You know, we bought the fucking thing. We're like boxing outside in the house. No, I'm over that now. It's running. And then I'm not over boxing.

I fucking box.

Okay, go to running every day.

Yeah, but she has a point. No, there's nothing wrong with it. You just go through a lot of hobbies.

That's why I think I'm scared for you to ever have a girlfriend, because you're going to get over it real quick.

No, he— No, I don't think that's like that. Yeah, Ilya is the type of guy, like, if you watch NASCAR with him once, yeah, the next day he'll go out and he'll be like, how do I get my own NASCAR? Like, his next step wouldn't be like, like, maybe I should do some research and see when the next race is on, or like, maybe I should go see a race in person. His next logical step would be like, I want to race one of these. I want to be number 39.

That's so true. It's like the bike. You talked about the bike one day, the day after—

what bike?

Motorcycle you just fucking bought.

Oh yeah, what about it? I'm saying you ride it every day. What do you mean? How's that?

You didn't— you don't like think about things. You're like, yo, look at this bike, it's sick. Next day you fucking bought it.

You're very impulsive.

You wanted rollerblades, you drove an hour to fucking But that's not bad, right?

It's not a bad thing.

Is he more impulsive than you?

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah. The only thing I'm like— the only thing I'm like that as Ilya is about hobbies is food. That's it.

Yeah.

Like, I'll go through food and I'll have like my moments of food. Yeah.

Because I remember meeting you and being like, wow, David's like, David really goes all out. He doesn't give a fuck. And then I met Ilya and it threw me a little bit because I was like, oh, he really doesn't give a fuck.

Oh yeah, Ilya is different. Ilya is like— Ilya is like, we'll be at a bar and someone will ask for a shot and he'll bring back 30. Yeah, yeah, that's, that's him.

Right.

Me, I'll be like, can I get the cheaper one? Like, I'm like, I'm like, do you need the most expensive one? And it's just going to go down your fucking stomach anyway.

Like, who cares?

But Ilya will be like, I'll get you 30 of the best. That's the difference. When we were leaving Saddle Ranch, like a couple of weeks ago, no one's filming everyone. We're literally leaving. Ilya goes, I'm buying shots for everybody. That's funny. One time we were back home with some, like, high school friends and there was another kid who was kind of like, like the cool guy in high school, and Ilya bought shots for everybody, and he did not like that. So the other guy had to go buy shots for everybody, and then Ilya was like, what the fuck? So, you know, there's fucking 35 shots at the table and no one was drinking anything.

Mike Trevor told me a story that you guys like went to dinner at like a really fucking random restaurant, and just because it was on the menu, there was like something that had like a Dom Pérignon, like a $300 bottle of champagne. And just because it was on the menu, it was like, like, we should get it.

Yeah, well, Ilya likes the funny stuff like that. Like, like, we're talking about Ilya so much, he's not here, he hasn't said a word, as if he died. Well, you know, Ilya was like that. He was a good man. He was a good man. He would get shots for everybody. There's a drink in Vegas, it's called Meet the DJ, and it's $50,000, and it's a bottle of like Don Perignon, and you meet the DJ. You, you go behind the DJ booth and you meet him for like 10 seconds. Like Dylan Francis because somebody ordered it once and like Dylan gets a copy. It's literally $50,000.

Wow.

To meet the DJ.

Hey, have you seen Vibe House?

Yes, I love Vibe House. Oh my gosh, have you seen it too?

I know someone on it.

Charlie showed me the other day.

I, I saw the video you sent of Vibe House.

It's pretty interesting in that like it's just like Hype House, um, but like some of the kids like have like a lot of talent. Like, no, they've been on a lot of stuff.

Yeah, the Vibe House. So it's like, it's like Hype House. Yeah, it's like a social media house. But the oldest kid there is probably 13, right? Like, it's like 8 to 13-year-olds. Yeah, like they're really fucking young, right? But it's like really cool because they all have like these crazy like credits. Like they've been on all these shows, AGT, they've been on America's Got Talent, they've been like, they have X amount of songs out. Like it's really interesting.

And then they paparazzi them like out in front of BoA. Have you seen that? Really?

The Vibe House?

Yeah, it's crazy.

So it'd be like a 12-year-old, like, like Fletcher will be like, hey, it was Addison's— Addison's brother got paparazzi.

No, no, the other ones. No, he did. I saw that one.

I saw Addison's brother got paparazzi outside of BoA, and the paparazzi goes, the paparazzi goes, how's TikTok? And her brother goes, oh, I got banned. And he goes, oh my God. Paparazzi goes, oh my God, what happened? What's going on? And Addison's brother turns around and goes, well, I am 12. And you have to be 13 to use TikTok.

So the Vibe House post, the Vibe House, like What do they all make YouTube videos like a collaborative? Like, all their parents live in the house.

It's like 15 kids.

I don't think they live in it. That's what Charlie and I were trying to find out. I don't think they live in any house.

Is Charlie jealous?

No, she's not jealous at all.

Do you think it's cool?

Yeah, she thinks it's pretty cool.

Joe and Jason have been grinding on YouTube, like, even during the pandemic. Like, I'm just not doing much because I can't film the same videos that I would normally want to. But like, Joe and Jason— Jason is in a fucking new disguise every fucking day for his YouTube channel. And today, today he fucking texted me. He's like, like, he's, uh, Ella's like, can you come by for the podcast at 9? Then he texts back, he's like, yeah, I'm going through a drive-through, a drive-through haunted house at 8. Like, Jason has like full adjusted to this new life and he's like filming all the, the fucking— all the pandemic-y bits. That's funny. That's all we can do. I did, I did a voting thing to register people to vote, um, and, um, it did really well. I guess it's kind of It's kind of the end of the story. Yeah, we registered over 100,000 people.

Wow.

Fucking insane.

It's great.

We beat all the records. We're number one in getting people to register.

Hell yeah.

With one action, which is really Taylor Swift's record. Taylor Swift, 63,000 people.

Anything you want to say to Taylor Swift right now? Just talk some shit.

Listen, T-Swizzle, tweet T-Swizzle. You know, we're all on the same team about registering people, but just going to have to take the L on this one. Coming for your Grammys next.

People really love Teslas, man.

People love Teslas.

Yeah.

So last night I went to bed kind of early before everybody else did, and Joe and Taylor decided to come in my room while I was already sleeping and surprise me and just like bother you and start like annoying me. Like they did this thing for like Joe's vlog.

Yeah, like start annoying me for like fucking whatever reason in the middle of the night.

Yeah, it's always for Joe.

I, I, and I, and I heard them bothering Ilya, and I, and I literally, I told Ella, I was like, Ella, go in there and pull Joe out because if Ilya is annoyed any longer, he'll want to move out of this house.

But then I go into the room and Joe is in the bed with Ilya and they're like cuddling and I'm like, I guess it's fine now.

I'm gonna want to move it at some point.

Joe will find you no matter where you are.

So, well, Joe's fine. He can come to my house.

So I'm the problem?

No, but you do understand that I will move.

Like, to where though?

I don't know, but anywhere. Honestly, anywhere.

What's the point?

I'll move to a fucking motel if I have to.

What is the point?

Because it's so fucking hot all the fucking time. And honestly, like, if I want to go to bed at fucking 9 o'clock, then I will go to bed at 9, and like, I'll sleep and I'll wake up.

I never bother you when you go to sleep.

It's literally— it's not about that. It's not about that.

So what is it about?

Do you understand like what privacy means?

Or like, I know absolutely.

I totally respect your privacy. It's not— you do. I'm questioning you on this podcast about for 20 minutes about whether or not you slept with a girl.

Um, no, but like, you do respect my privacy 100%, but I— it's just not possible to get 100% of Yeah, but that's based on—

because the other— the percent you're missing for privacy, you're filling up with pressure.

What is he not getting?

You're literally giving him exactly what he wants. He's, he's riling you up and he loves it. He's in his happy place right now.

I know me too well.

He's loving every minute of this.

Okay, okay.

He's got you in his web.

I am, I am.

I don't mind if you move.

Okay, well, in that case, I'm staying.

You better move, man.

The funniest part is this is like the third time that we've come in your room after you've fallen asleep.

What time was this at?

Like 12 a.m.?

Oh, not that bad.

That's pretty bad. I mean, like, at this point I'm asleep for like 30 minutes.

It was earlier than 12.

It was like 11:30.

Whatever.

Right when you left, Jason, I was like, yeah.

Oh gosh.

Joe texts me every single time that he's left.

He always texts me and he goes, hey, I feel kind of bad that we did that. Like, I feel really bad that we woke Ilya.

I know. He texted me this morning. He's like, he's like, yo, dude, I didn't realize you were actually sleeping in my bed.

Yeah, I was like, it's okay.

Every time Joe, like, says like a joke to you that's a little bit mean or like off-color or whatever, like, he'll always text me and apologize. Like, yo, did that make you feel uncomfortable? And I'm like, dude, please fucking stop doing this. This is the part that makes me uncomfortable. Where you check up on me after your joke. Like, I don't care if you insulted me earlier. Yeah.

Speaking about sex, I think, I think Natalie likes to get thrown down, thrown down on the bed.

Whoa, whoa, what the fuck? What the fuck?

Yeah, hear me out. What the fuck? Hear me out.

Yeah, she's got a boyfriend.

I know, by Todd, I'm saying.

Oh, I thought you were talking about me and Natalie.

Is that, is that, is that true?

Before we continue, put yourself in before we continue.

Is that true?

I don't know.

Wait, what do you mean likes to be thrown on the bed?

Like, like taken and like fucking, like, like when you're having sex, manhandled. Manhandled. Yeah.

Maybe.

No.

Yeah, what would make you think that?

Because, because every time we've, we've brought like another boy up, uh, Natalie's like, yeah, he's like cute, but he's not like the type of person who like will pick you up and like throw you on the bed.

And I was like, okay, because that was like the third time.

Okay, can I, can I say something? I feel like every girl kind of wants to be manhandled at some point, right?

Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know. But I'm saying like, it's just, it's just funny like hearing it from Natalie.

Well, yeah, because I never talk about sex or like anything.

Yeah. Now he's opened up recently, like a lot.

Yeah.

No pun intended. Like, she's really sorry. She's really— I mean, she talks about dildos now. Yeah, she really gets into it. No pun intended. All right. Sorry. Let's, let's talk about something else. What's your favorite position?

All right. I think that's the end.

What is your favorite position?

What is your favorite position?

I don't know.

Okay, anybody here like to 69? Be honest.

No.

What?

I—

that is such an Ilya thing. I fucking knew he said he would. That is such an Ilya thing.

Why is it an Ilya thing?

You like to?

Yeah.

I fucking knew it.

It's such an Ilya thing to say. 100% you would like 69ing.

It's such a— it's such a— it's— you know why? Because it's like this thing that you hear about when you're a kid and you stick to it, and you go, 69, very cool. No, big boobs.

That's not what it is.

Ilya's put the mic down and is now leaving the podcast.

Like, he hasn't put his own experiences into it to like come up with his own conclusion. Time out. I don't mean to hate on you for it because, because I feel like maybe in other parts of the world people like it.

But I mean, I think it's like a personal preference.

Yeah, everyone tries it. We all do it.

I think the general consensus is it's like, it's like Jay's perfect— Jay puts it into perspective perfectly. It's like watching two TVs at once. Like, it's just like you can't, you can't enjoy one thing because two things are going on and there's no point.

Oh no, I don't think that's the same at all, actually.

I've never tried it.

It's fun.

I'm, I'm with Ilya.

It's obviously, it's more of like just a thing that you do to say that you've done it and you don't actually like enjoy doing it.

It's just like, oh yeah, we did that. You say when you're like doing pillow talk and like you're dirty talking and you're like, that's 69, and then when you do it you're like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah, yes, correct. Like realistically, have both people actually reached completion while doing 69?

No, no. But it's like an easy— I feel like it's an easy thing to do. Like if the girl's already on your face you know what I mean? And like you flip her around, but it just doesn't feel good.

Just confusing.

I disagree.

I don't know, bro.

What's wrong with it?

It's not that you have the same viewpoints as Ilya.

Yeah, it's not to complete what David is saying. Like you can't concentrate on one thing when the other thing—

maybe you guys are just fucking bad at doing two things at once. How about that? Yeah, I'm just— Jay and I are just good at multitasking.

Personal practice.

It's really not that hard.

It's not.

I mean, what are you doing? You're fucking—

it is personal Preference, like you're just kind of putting your face somewhere.

The girls have probably not told them that they don't like 69ing, and therefore they continue to 69.

What are you in, fucking 7th grade?

I know, girls have probably not told them, and I guess they've been looking like fucking morons for their entire life.

Hey guys, come on, let's go over to my mom's house and not invite them. She's making strawberry lemonade. Come on, girls.

What the fuck was that?

Girls have not told them? Where the fuck have you been? What are you talking about? Top buys you one vibrator and suddenly you're a fucking sexpert? Jesus Christ. Oh, what are you talking about? If something happens, if a girl does that and puts it in your face and then it starts happening, that's not enjoyable?

I just don't think— listen, Jay, I just— I don't think it's like a top thing.

Bro, you don't even We like sex, so don't even start to argue with us.

I just don't think it's like a top— like, I don't think it's like a top thing to do on the list of things in bed.

I don't think so either.

I don't either.

I don't think so either.

Yeah, you guys are coming down on Ilya like he's some fucking weirdo because the four of you—

everywhere you bring up 69ing, everyone's response is always stupid, overweight. Watch this, watch this, watch this. Todd's here. Todd, come here. Todd, come here. Grab him a wine. He's gonna love it.

We have—

we have like—

yeah, he's gonna go, yeah, I love that shit. Honest opinion about 69ing. Go. 69ing, I love it. Fuck you, David, and you're fucked!

If I'm feeding for a blowjob, it's not happening.

I'll just go straight to 69.

Timeout. So Natalie, you haven't told Todd, but you don't like it.

This is awkward.

Oh, so I guess Todd's been looking like a fucking moron making you 69 all this time.

Uh, okay, maybe it is personal preference, but the rooms I've been in hate 69. The rooms you've been in?

What kind of weird orgy shit are you getting into?

I just— I feel like every time it's brought up—

Yeah, it's just—

I think what—

why we came down on Ilya is just it was such an Ilya response.

Such an Ilya response.

You know what, you're painting him as this chimp, and it's not okay. He's not some fucking monkey. The dude is fucking— the dude is a guy. Just because David is basically a girl and sits around with the three of you all the time and like, yeah, I didn't like that either, Taylor. Don't fucking come down. The guy's a fucking dude. He likes girls with big asses and big tits. So what? Like, what's the big deal? Like, they make you sound like you're a fucking—

like, like an alien.

Yeah, yeah.

No, worse. Like dumb. Like Dumb as rocks, Crow Magnum Man. You do, you paint him that way.

You got—

you come at me all the time for shit like that, bro. Right, we do come at you aggressively. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. We hope to see you guys next week, or at least we hope you guys hear from us next week.

Go buy David's perfume.

Oh yeah, my perfume is out. It's sick, it's the best. It genuinely does smell really good, um, and I'm pretty proud of it. So the kids love it, the kids like it, and the older people love it too. All right, we'll see you guys later. It's been a Views podcast. My name is Jeff.

Bye.