David’s Crush on an Older Woman

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I are going to tell you everyone who dies in the new Avengers movie, starting with— no, I'm kidding, no spoilers, but we're going to talk about Avengers, so get ready. Okay, let's roll intro music. What's up guys, welcome back, it's the podcast. I'm David, that's Jason, and yeah, Jason and I went to the Avengers premiere last night. How was that?

Yeah, we went to the Avengers last night.

Let me, let me, let me, let me say some stuff.

Um, you just, you just looked at me.

I just told you to talk. You're like, oh yeah, I've had enough. Um, no. Okay, I'm going to calm it down because I'm up here. I got to be here. No, we went to the premiere last night. It was honestly one of the— I think it was my favorite premiere I've ever been to. Oh, easily in my life.

It was one of the best things we've done in the last— maybe my favorite thing we've ever done.

I don't know why it was so cool, but it was so cool. And we went and we were totally out of place.

Yeah.

Like, because it was— there wasn't anybody there that wasn't in the movie, right?

I mean, there were some other people there that weren't in the movie, but, but yeah, like red carpet-wise. Yeah, red carpet-wise, you're the only person that walked the red carpet that wasn't in the movie.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So it was like we were really out of place and it felt really cool. It felt like I was like inside someone's home and like they were just like doing their thing and I was like standing. I don't know.

And they let us just hang out next to them. It was just, it was just the way it was set up. We were just standing next to Robert Downey Jr. the entire time while he did interviews.

It was really, really weird.

It was really funny. We got there and David's publicist was like, you're gonna do the red carpet. He was like, okay, cool. And then David got sidetracked because he saw Paul Rudd. Yeah, and the publicist the whole time was like, okay, we got to go because we got to get you out there before the movie stars come, but before all of this actual superheroes come.

And then we got to the carpet and And I'm like, okay, I'm ready to go. And then right in front of me is like Mark Ruffalo, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, and then me. And then behind me is Paul Rudd, Scarlett Johansson. So I'm just like, I'm just going to let them go first because like you get in line to go on the carpet. And that was the line. And I was like, what the fuck am I doing here? Like, why am I in this line?

Paul Rudd goes out. Paul, Paul, this way to the left, to the left. Paul, over here, Paul.

And then I go up and all I hear is Jason go, David, I snuck back here! Look, I'm a camera guy!

I yelled his name a couple times just to— it felt good, make him feel good.

It felt good.

Um, no, but then one guy took your picture and was kind of like, I guess I'll take this guy's picture. I love that.

I love when people take my picture because they feel bad. No, it was, it was such an insane feeling being— it was the most motivating experience I've had in, in such a long time. I don't know, I don't know what it is, but like, you get inspired by the funniest stuff. Well, I get inspired by movies because I've always gotten inspired by like movies as a kid.

Will you ever make a movie?

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure I'll make a movie. But like, like, that was just— it was so crazy seeing all those actors there that had been working on these films for 15 movies.

Yeah.

And this is like the— like, I don't know if the end— I don't know if they're gonna make more, but like, this is like, like a huge closing off to one of the chapters. Like, that's so crazy. They're all there. It's like they're fucking graduating from 15-year high school. Like, it just— it may— I haven't done anything in my life for as long as they've been making those movies. Maybe I haven't— I haven't played tennis that long. I haven't done karate that long. I haven't gone to high school that long. I haven't done YouTube. I have done not a single thing as long as they've been doing that.

Do you think it's grueling? First of all, they've been doing it for 10 years. Yeah, right, not 15.

Oh, well, is it 15? I think it was like 10, 10, whatever. I don't know. I don't know how—

whatever it is, do you think it's hard to make those movies as actors?

I'm sure it's hard, but I'm sure it's like It's just like any job, right? It's like, it's hard, but it's like, someone put it the best way the other day. I was like, I think they were like making animated movies, and I was like, is your job hard? And they're like, well, yeah, it is, but I mean, it depends who you ask. Like, I'd rather be doing this job than, you know, putting cement on the ground or building a house.

I think probably what's hard is the fight stuff.

Like, there's different types of hard.

Right, like if you're Chris Evans and you have to like, fight with an imaginary Thanos.

I think you're 45, so I think, I think when you think of people moving, I think it kind of scares you.

Robert Downey Jr. is 45.

Yeah, but he's in the best shape of his life. Don't compare yourself to Iron Man, please.

He had a great suit on, dude.

They all look so good. It was— I was so excited to be there. Okay, and I should say, the movie— no spoilers here, obviously— but the movie was fucking great.

Yeah, thank you. So I wasn't even excited about going. It was so good.

Everything was like— everything was like everything in the movie that you wanted. Like, all expectations are met in the movie.

Yeah, I thought we were gonna leave after 10 minutes.

Me too, because I needed to go film. So I'm like, we're just gonna watch 20 minutes. I'm gonna get like a little bit of a taste for it, and I'm gonna leave. And I was— I was hooked immediately. And it was— I don't— I'm really good at leaving movies because I always leave premieres to go shoot. But like, I could not leave because I really loved it, and it was so well done. And none of it was like I was, I was really scared it was gonna be like 2 hours of just complete boringness, you know what I mean, to get to like a big climax. But it wasn't that at all. No, it was so interesting. Then it was great.

So much going on.

It was really—

I turned to you like halfway through, I'm like, do you gotta go?

And I was like, no, shut up. I even turned to Jason and I was like, this is really good. I think I said that during the movie.

Um, I cried 4 times.

Oh my God, Jason was crying and I couldn't cry because I was next to Jason and I knew if I cried then I wouldn't be able to make fun of reason for crying. So I just kept my tears in. And then every time you'd cry, I'd be like, stop being a little bitch.

Oh, so you did have the feeling to cry?

Oh, 100%.

Oh, okay, good. Yeah, because I was like, I was like, I thought about it after and I was like, oh, it's probably because he's not a dad.

Everybody in there was crying.

Really?

You just heard like, you just hear this and then you'd look around and it was the best when you turn around and you saw everyone's faces like just in tears.

Yeah. And then they all got up after. Yeah, all of them.

Yeah.

And then like from—

it's so crazy. Every movie. It's so crazy seeing the movie with this. Maybe I'm biased about how good the movie was because literally every superhero was in the room.

Yeah.

So maybe we're biased. Maybe it wasn't as good as we thought. Yeah, well, I did think it was great.

I also, to be clear, it wasn't just the Avengers. It was like all the people from Guardians were there, all the people from— yeah, everything.

Yeah.

X-Men. Sam Jackson wasn't there.

What was he going to say? What was cool was I saw Natalie Portman, and I didn't know I liked Natalie Portman until I saw Natalie Portman. She was like the last person to walk on the carpet, and I didn't know— I didn't really know that she was in the movies. She really isn't. There's like a picture of her or something. And yeah, she walked the carpet, and yeah, that blew my mind. I don't know. She took my breath away.

Yeah, you shut down when she walked by a couple times.

The first second I saw her, I was like, this is— one of the prettiest women I've ever seen in my entire life. And, and then I went straight to Google. I Googled how old she was. She's 37. I'm like, that's not horrible. Then I found out she's fucking married. And then guess what? This morning I found out she has 2 kids. So I already know that she's had sex with the guy. So that's, so that's out the window. And they've had—

so you're saying you think she's had sex with her husband at least twice?

Yeah. So it's, um, it's pretty brutal.

Are you okay? Are you dealing with this?

No, I do this.

You have crushes, you have celebrity crushes from time to time.

I do, but this one was crazy.

This one's pretty crazy, but I know you're gonna be off it soon.

I know I will be off it, but after I— Joe can attest to this, but like I was editing last night and I just couldn't stop thinking about her. It was fucking weird.

Yeah, you called me around 1:00 a.m. when you were like, so just be straight with me, I'm not gonna be with Natalie Portman ever. I'm in my bed in the dark on FaceTime. I'm like I'm like, no, it was 1:30.

Because like, I don't know why I was on it, because like, I'm like, I may have a chance. Maybe she's like into younger guys.

Yeah.

And I was just like, someone just needs to like set me straight here because I'm in make-believe land right now. Because, because I was genuinely, I was like Googling her and I'm like, what are her hobbies? Like, I was like, I was like, fuck, I like horticulture. Yeah. I was like, oh, she likes the environment. Fuck it, I'm gonna go plant 7 trees tomorrow. No, but I— she's very pretty and she just—

I don't know, she has like a glow about her.

She like— she like— she set the standard of person that I want to like marry.

I saw Scarlett Johansson too.

I was like, yeah, both beautiful women. Oh, I mean, to be fair, everybody on the Avengers cast is just a beautiful person.

Yeah, inside and out.

Yeah, they're really— they're really— they're really pretty people.

And you had a little interaction with Chris Pratt. Did you?

No, I didn't.

I thought you did.

Oh, no, I just said, hi, Chris. He goes, hello. Hello.

Oh, you said hi? Because all I heard was, hello. Hello. I thought he walked by and he just went, hello. Hello.

No, no, I just said hi.

Yeah, it wasn't like we could, like, go up and talk to him, though. We were too chicken and they had security.

You totally could have. But it's like, yeah, we were scared.

We were scared. Yeah. What were you going to say? Yeah, I love Iron Man.

Yeah, there's nothing to say. No, but I do recommend if you're going to see Avengers, see like all the movies before because it'll make it that much better.

Or at least the last one.

No, you go watch at least like—

I don't think so, David. It's either— it's a superhero movie. You can pick up pretty fast. Iron Man's good. Thanos is bad.

Stop spoiling it. No, but it was great, and I'm so happy about it. Good job, people. Good job, Avengers.

Look, I want to talk to you, and I want you to— I really want you to hear me.

I'm listening.

Take off your glasses for a sec and come a little closer.

No.

David Julian Dobrik.

Great. Now everyone knows my middle name.

Natalie Portman. The movie star who is married to a French guy.

Yes, I speak a little bit of French.

Oh, let's hear it. Oui, oui. Who has 2 kids.

Sure.

And is 16 years your senior, older than you.

Yeah.

And one of the most beautiful women in the world.

Yes.

Is never, never going to be with you.

I doubt it. Is she happy though?

Very.

You have two kids.

Yeah.

You're not happy.

I'm not married to a French dancer.

Um, no, I, I know, I know, but, um, no, no, no.

I mean, I, I could see it if she wasn't married.

I—

older girls, older women like you a lot. You get a lot of those, those cougar-type women.

I'm good with older women, but especially if they had a couple drinks.

Oh yeah, remember we went to that birthday party and those moms?

Oh my God, yeah, they were— we went to a birthday party once. Yeah, holy crap, it was, um, there was like these— I don't know, it was like, it was a birthday party of someone. Yeah, and there were these like 3 moms and they were just like, why don't you— and it was just the 3 moms talking to me, the husbands were in the kitchen, and they were like touching my chest and everything. They're like, why don't you stay for a little bit longer? And she was like, let's go to the tennis court, you want to play with some balls? Let's play with some. And she and it was like out of— it was out of a movie. I didn't think it was real. Yeah. And they were hitting on me. That was crazy to me. That was a surreal experience. I felt like 12 years old being hit on by someone. I felt really uncomfortable, but really, really good about myself. But yeah, no, Natalie Portman, cool person. I know it'll never be. I wish— I wish her the best. He seems great.

Who gives a fuck? Would you like to? Say anything to her now? Take this opportunity.

Congrats on your life. Congrats on your career. You deserve it. You're stunning, and I'm glad— I hear you're doing a lot with environment.

If you would get a chance to know me, I think you would really like me, but seems like you— it's not gonna happen.

Seems like you checked out pretty early. Getting married at 37 is not the move I would go with, but whatever you want to do. No, that's— I'm glad I have like a, like a, like a proper crazy like older woman celebrity crush, because I've always wanted one and I just found one.

When you woke up this morning, was it the first thing you thought of?

Yes. Yeah, it wasn't even when I woke up this morning, it was when I woke up in the middle of the night and cried in my bathtub. Yeah, you know, I did— I'd actually cry yesterday. I've been crying a lot when I finish editing my videos.

They said I've been crying a lot when I finish.

Yeah, I masturbate, I just start crying. No, I've been, um, I've been crying a lot when I finish my videos. I'm just like, so— I get so happy. Yeah, you cry from joy and I just start crying. Yeah, I'm just like, this is gonna sound so cheesy, but like, I just get— I hate using this word because it's like genuinely like the cheesiest word. I'm just so thankful for like being able to do this. I just like, I just burst into tears. Yeah, after a video is up, I go, I cannot believe that this is my job and I just did that and I get to do it again, and I'm just like, please, like, please God, give me, give me at least a couple more videos before like I'm like thrown off this earth or something. I love, I love doing what I do. Oh my god.

Yeah, I cry sometimes when I think about all of us and how I have all you as friends because I don't know what I would be doing otherwise. Yeah, apart from the fact that I have a job, but the fact that I get to hang out with you guys.

No, this is the best job in the world. Yeah, I'm so happy. Well, okay, enough about emotions. Let's talk about some real heated shit. Do you see, um, Elon Musk had a, um— I didn't watch it, so forgive me if I'm completely wrong, but he had a, um, what is it called, a seminar or like a PowerPoint? What is it called where you like show off some new features?

Sure.

So he was doing stuff on autonomy. So basically, long story short, and the car ran him over? No. And then he's saying in like a year or two everyone's, everyone's Tesla that they buy now, like the newer models, will be able to be entered into their taxi fleet. So Tesla will take 20 to 30% and your car will be a taxi while you're not using it. So you can be at home watching a movie and you'll hit a button on your car and it'll go out and it'll go pick people up and drop people off and then come back into your house when it's done working.

No. Yeah, and you keep 60% of the money as part of Uber or its own—

its own—

its own Tesla.

Its own Tesla Uber.

Wow.

I mean, I'm sure it'll be paired with Uber maybe later. Sure. Isn't that crazy? That guy's insane.

He's literally—

he's the modern-day Iron Man.

So the car would just pay for itself after a while?

Possibly.

Possibly.

I don't— I don't really know.

I mean, Uber drivers don't make a lot, but yeah, I mean, I guess— I guess if you're not in there, it's pretty good money.

Imagine that, you're not You're not— yeah, you're not in there.

Stock it with water and gum.

Yeah, and you're good to go. I just can't imagine like seeing your car leave and then, and then you going out and be like, where the fuck are you? Where are you? I need to get to work. And it's like dropping someone off and it's like, I'm sorry, sir. And then it like has to hurry back into your driveway. I can't imagine watching my car drive back into the driveway by itself and me getting back. That's gonna be so crazy. Let's talk about the real heroes for a second.

The people who watch my videos.

Yes, they do put up with a lot. But no, the mothers, the mothers in everyone's lives. Where would you be without your mom, Jace?

Oh my god. Oh god, I could—

God knows. No, god, I don't know where I would be without your mom either. No, but moms are the best. And if you want to surprise your mom for Mother's Day because it's coming up, you have to use this sort of roses. You have no other options because I'm making you do it right now. ProFlowers carefully packages your flowers and delivers them fresh from the farm, and express delivery means her flowers stay fresh. ProFlowers lets you choose from a variety of bouquets and unique vases that suit every mom's style, then simply select a delivery date pay you want and it gets right there.

They sent me flowers to give to my mom because she was in town. They were gorgeous. Yeah, they were like ridiculous. No, I don't get excited about flowers.

I get excited about flowers. You should, you should have sent them my way. Please, someone ordered these flowers for me because right now get 1 dozen assorted roses for $19.99. Double the roses and get a premium vase for just $9.99 more. Visit proflowers.com, click the microphone in the upper right corner, and enter code VIEWS. That's proflowers.com, click the microphone, code VIEWS. Mother's Day is May 12th, so don't wait, order like a pro and get this amazing rose deal to thank all the moms in your life. If you could be a superhero, what would your superpower be? You can't say disappointment because you already have that one under wraps.

Um, probably get away from you quickly.

Super speed.

As fast. Yeah, super speed. That's like good.

That's pretty good.

Or just be the Hulk and kill you?

I'd be invisible.

You would? Why? Because you're such a snoop?

Because you're a pervert. I don't know. I don't know. I feel like you could get away with being invisible.

You could get away with it. Yeah, if you're invisible, for sure.

I wouldn't see you because, like, flight, you can't, like, rob a bank, right? Because you can just fucking fly. But if you're invisible, you walk right in, you can walk right in, take this stuff and leave. But you know, if you fly out of there, people will still know who you are and then they'll just come and kill you.

So this is all about you robbing a bank.

I don't know. I just feel like invisibility, it gets you out of any situation, right? Like a robber in your house.

You just want strength. Strength would be the best.

You'd want strength?

For what reason?

You just break the—

jerk yourself off harder. I don't like— I don't— I can't imagine why would I want to. Strength is just so— it's such a bad thing because like I would just break things and then I have to clean up a lot. I'd have to— I'd have— I'd spend more money on housekeepers if I had super strength.

But there's speed, invisibility, strength, kind of like laser vision or like super flexibility. What about being able to swim underwater like Aquaman?

That would be horrible.

You think?

Yeah, that'd be the worst. I'd only be cool at, like, pool parties and people would be like, where is David? They'd be like, he's been underwater for 55 minutes. Everyone would be like, oh, that's cool. Oh, but also kind of lame.

Just sitting at the bottom of the pool.

Yeah.

With a weight belt on.

Just, just thinking I'm impressing girls. I meet a girl at a party. I'm like, hey, check this out. What I can do. I go underwater, don't come back. I come out, she's talking to another guy. I don't know. That wouldn't be that cool. No, I do. I do think invisibility is like the top, the top power or teleportation. Oh, that one's big.

That's good. Go back in time.

Oh, wow. Is that—

or like just be in Vegas now?

Well, if I can go— if I can go back in time, that's— if that's an option for a superpower, because I would 100% do that.

Sure.

Yeah, I'd win the lottery. Any problem?

Pick the lottery. Even the lottery 10 weeks in a row. I'd win it once and then go away.

Yeah, I'd win it once.

If I ever won the lottery, I wouldn't tell anyone. Someone—

some— you have to.

Well, you can tell the people.

No, it's—

you don't have to be public. You do.

No, I think that's, that's part of the rules.

Then they changed that. It used to be you could be anonymous. There's a documentary on people that have won the lottery and how their lives are ruined.

Well, yeah, what is it? What is it about— what is it about it that gets ruined? Is it your family wanting stuff?

Family wants money. Everyone calls you all the time. So what happens is, is You can't talk— in the documentary at least, they don't talk to their family anymore. The money like pushed their family away because they just didn't. And so now they— and then they got divorced because the money created more problems. The husband wanted a new wife now that he has money. So mo' money, mo' problems.

100%.

As I sit in my giant house with the Ferrari in the garage.

Um, there's this guy in Wisconsin. Yeah, that just won, um, $734 million. Oh wow, isn't that crazy?

Was he on TV?

Yeah, he was. He was just talking about it, how like he was, um, he was going through his lottery tickets. Yeah, he got back from work, he heard the winner was in Wisconsin, and, um, he lived in Wisconsin, so he didn't really think much of it. He's going through the tickets, he went through all of them, and he didn't win. And then he moved the tickets from his right hand to his left hand, and he noticed that one of the tickets was stuck to the other ticket. So he unpeeled it and he read the tickets, the numbers, and they matched up and he couldn't believe it. I mean, isn't that insane? What does that feel like, winning the lottery?

I don't know.

I would want to win the lottery just so I have a good vlog. Like, I'll give the money back, but I just want— like, I want to be able to go to my friends and be like, I just won the lottery. Like, what the fuck would they say?

People would be very upset.

They'd be furious. I'd give so much of the money away though if I won.

You would?

Yeah, I'd have videos for the rest of my life. Every video would be this guy gets a Ferrari, this person gets a new house, this person gets college tuition. Oh, I'd have such a good time.

Really?

But what is it? How much of the money do you keep? So it's $700 million.

I'm sure like almost half goes.

So half goes away, right? So he's— he has $350 million just sitting in his account.

That's just how it's also paid out over time.

Oh, it is?

Yeah.

So he gets a little bit every year, which is probably a good thing unless he's in—

no, I mean, let's If you had $350 million, the interest on that is better than interest on $100 million— I mean, $1 million.

No, I think you have to tell people. I think that's the rule.

Is that the rule now? Maybe every state's different.

That's what I thought, because if you don't tell people, then, then people aren't as incentivized to go and buy tickets, right?

We could look it up, but we're not going to. No, no, we don't want to slow this train down.

This isn't a factual show. It's just—

you gave away some money the other day.

It's kind of what we make up. Yeah, I gave away $25,000.

How'd that feel?

Felt great.

Yeah.

Giving away money is so great.

Yeah. Is it?

Yeah. Why?

Because I lost $10,000 the other day to you and it didn't feel so great.

Jason's been bothering me. He's like, let's play pool for $10,000 because he knows like that's one thing he could beat me at. And I finally caved in because I didn't have any— I didn't have any footage. So I was like, fuck it, I'll play you. And for some odd reason I won. I don't know how I won.

I beat him and I didn't warm up.

I should have been warming up for weeks and I took $10,000 from Jason and I felt so bad and so good at the same time.

And then it was fun.

It was fun.

People really liked the video.

Good.

So that's good.

Yeah, it sucked. It sucked. It felt really cool being on the other end of it.

You did? Yeah, winning. It's because people always— you're all the one always giving, so it's nice for you to get something.

It felt cool being in the game where I won. I like that. Yeah, and it was funny. So I did a challenge. You didn't see— this wasn't shown in my vlogs, but I did an Easter egg hunt. And 2 of the eggs— there were 5 eggs— 3 of the eggs had an O in it and 2 of the eggs had an X in it. And if you had the X, you can play rock-paper-scissors for the grand prize of $25,000. Now Dom found the one with the egg. Dom found the egg with the X in it, and he didn't think the prize was going to be so big, so he sold his egg to Corinna for $500. For $500. Corinna never found an egg. But Dom found the egg, and then Dom sold the egg to Corinna, and, and then it was revealed that Dom missed out on $25,000. He sold it for $500, and Dom really needs the money. Yeah, I was really bummed out about that.

That's interesting.

But that's how life goes.

We had another nice night of piano with Charlie Puth. Did Charlie Puth and Benny Blanco ask about me yet to come?

No, they haven't.

On a track?

Not at all. Yeah, we hung out with, with Charlie and company again. Dude, it's so cool being a musician. Yeah, I can't get over it.

Yeah, he just said, just call songs out.

And it's crazy because that's really fun too.

It's not even just to have somebody there that can sit on the piano and play and everybody can sing.

He was just sitting there and we were like, okay, play this now, play this now. And he'd be like, I don't know the song. And then we just like, we'd have him listen to the song for 3 seconds, like, okay, I know it. And then he just played the song. Any song. He was, he was spot on. He was literally Pandora. He was faster than Alexa.

Like, yeah, he was.

I literally go, Charlie, play One Step at a Time, and then he started playing it right away. Yeah, before I finished the sentence. So yeah, no, he's, he's really impressive. Once again, props to Charlie. This next segment of the podcast is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's where Joe, our editor, gets 25 seconds to say whatever he does.

Taking off his shirt.

His shirt is already off in return for him editing the podcast. Starting now. Oh, look at this, he made fucking merch.

Oh no.

What's up, weenies? It's your boy J Money, and due to popular demand, we have some official teeny weeny merch live on joesmerch.com. Pick up your very own Make the Teeny Weeny Longer merch to keep the dream alive and keep the weenie longer. Guys, this is what keeps everybody fueled here. The weenie is motivation.

And that's it.

Buy a weenie, joesmerch.com.

All right, fuck off.

Jason, that one's for you.

Wow, that was great.

That is nice merch, I won't lie. And this is the one teeny weeny you used to your advantage, so I applaud you for it. Good job, Joe.

Weenie's been on fire lately, the teeny weeny. I think he's had like 3 or 4 good ones in a row.

Yeah, this one was good. This is how I imagine he does all the teeny weenies, like plugging himself.

Yeah, it only took him 40 shows to find his foot, find his niche. But you know, they say it took Kimmel a long time, Conan a long time to figure out—

he is exactly like them.

He is just like Jimmy Kimmel and the great David Letterman.

He's exactly like that. Yeah, thank you, Joe, for your merch.

That's for me.

I know, I'm gonna burn it.

I walked 11 miles yesterday. Yeah, my Fitbit. I mean, including like every—

walked 11 miles, or you gave your Fitbit to a friend?

No, and Jeff— I went with Jeff, our really in-shape friend, and he, um, he wore a 30-pound vest. To keep up with me. Wow. He wore 30 pounds on his body.

That's not that impressive.

I think so.

I think what's more impressive is that you walked 11 miles.

Yeah.

Before what time?

Before 11 AM.

Oh my God.

Yeah, it was pretty fun. I'm trying to lose and I still can't lose weight.

Yeah, I think it just doesn't work for you.

I guess not. I went on the scale today. I was like, well, I walked 11 miles.

I think you try too hard.

No, I think I eat too much.

That's what it is. Yeah. Do you eat a lot?

Yeah, at night it's really bad.

You're such a little slut at night. I know, everything you stand for during the day goes completely out the window at night.

True.

Yes, like completely. I've hung out with you at night maybe like once or twice, and I did not— I didn't know you. I didn't, I didn't know the person I was seeing at night because when you're a little monster—

when, when was I hanging out with you late at night?

I don't know where it was. I don't know if it was at a hotel, but I just remember you going in and getting Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and And I was so betrayed because you're so healthy during the day, and then I saw you just unload.

What do you think's going on here?

I don't know.

I mean, what do you think?

I thought maybe you're lying about how much you work out or like something like that.

No, I do work out. I walk.

You really just fucking crush it at night.

I can't get below 211.

How much do you weigh?

211. I was 220.

Yeah, I could get below. Cut one of your legs off. You'll weigh a lot less. You don't want to do that? Um, you won't be able to walk, but you will weigh— what is that thing, 40 pounds at least?

I probably cut an arm off before I cut the legs off. At least the legs I could keep walking.

Yeah, if you had to choose, you'd keep exercising. If you have to choose an arm or a leg, you go with—

I don't like this conversation, but yeah, I'd go with an arm too. Yeah, that's probably not the most Interesting.

All fingers or one arm?

I can't even talk about it.

For sure.

Both your eyes or your nose?

My nose.

Take your nose. Yeah, me too.

Actually, no, eyes.

No, you couldn't see.

Yeah, but then I could wear sunglasses and I'd wear them indoors. And if someone said something about it, I'd be like, well, fuck you, because I have— I don't have eyes anymore because I have a podcast with my friend and he made me choose between nose or eyes and I chose eyes.

Am I staring? Am I facing a wall again?

I feel like eyes are less. I don't know. Oh yeah, I guess nose or eyes.

Talking about eyes are less.

What are you saying? I guess you're right.

Eyes are the most important.

I guess you're right. I don't know why I chose nose.

Yeah, because I could wear sunglasses.

Because I just— because when my nose— when my nose is gone. Yeah, it would just be my mouth and eyes. I just don't— I don't know how my face would look like. I look like Voldemort. Yeah, but with— with— if my eyes were taken out, I would just look like a really cool guy. So I guess for looks, I guess looks-wise, I guess I choose eyes. But like, I guess for like to make, you know, my life more livable, I would choose to remove my nose.

Mm-hmm.

But I want to keep everything.

We spent a lot of— you said something funny to me this weekend.

What?

I was like, I was free all weekend.

Yeah.

And I was here a lot, and then and you're always begging me to hang out. And then you go, you've been here a lot, you've been hanging out way too much.

I didn't say it like that at all. You're exaggerating so much.

You said something like— I was like, you've been spending a lot of time here. I was like, you want me to leave? And you're like, yeah.

No, I said, Jason, you've been here a while. That's what I said. Yeah, because you were here a long time.

Yeah.

And then find out it was because your kids weren't in town, because you always leave when there's—

Find out? I've told you repeatedly all last week. It was literally the subject. It was the title of our podcast last week. Oh, come to find out his kids here. That's why he's hanging out a lot. I fucking cried to you last week on the pod— that's my camera, sir. I cried to you on the podcast last week. It just goes in one ear, out the other, doesn't it? You care so little.

No, I do about me.

And the thing that hurts the most—

I thought it was next week. I thought it was next week.

The thing that hurts the most, you care so much about everybody else. You give so much time to Zane and Heath and Scott, and they're your real friends. That's what it is, right? And I'm just the old guy that you prop up.

Can I tell you, that's actually one of my flaws.

What is it?

I'm—

but you're mean to old people?

No, I feel like sometimes I care least about the people that I care about the most.

You— let me rephrase it for you. You care about you— this— you're an asshole. The people who care about you the most, you treat like shit.

No, I don't treat like shit. I just like, like, I'll like, I'll care about other people No, I care about everyone equally.

I kind of understand what you're saying.

It's like, but I know I already have you as a close friend, right? So I treat other people with like, with like more, a little more care, a little more care. Like I'm more careful, but with you I'm like, I'm so close to you that I'm just like, whatever, whatever. But no, I didn't know your kids were leaving. I just didn't know it was that week.

You've got to be kidding me. Then you said something else to me. Okay.

Okay. Let's see how much you listen.

How much I listen? All we do is talk about you. What's my favorite food? Chipotle.

Okay, easy one.

Let's, let's quiz each other. I'll go back and forth. Go. You give me my favorite food.

You love pasta.

Chinese food, sir. You know that.

Yep, it's the pasta. Pasta and noodles and Chinese food, it's the same thing.

No, you mean it?

Give me another question.

Okay, uh, about me? Yeah, it's your turn. Go ahead, ask yourself about you.

Who's my celebrity crush?

Natalie Portman.

My, my, my other one.

Oh, Ariana Grande.

Okay, great. Go, you go.

Okay, where'd I go to college?

Boston.

No, Boston what?

That's a city. What's—

what college did I go to?

Boston College. Somewhere in Massachusetts.

Yeah, what college?

That's the good one. I was really proud of you for going.

Harvard?

No.

Well, that's the good one. Yeah, you're 0 for 2.

Where did I go to college?

You went with Ilya for like 2 weeks.

What?

Decided it wasn't for you.

What college?

Uh, it's in Vernon Hills. You drove me by it. It's called— it's called like Sagamore Community College or something.

No.

What's it called?

College of Lake County. Not even really in Vernon Hills.

No one even knows what that is. Yeah, I went to a major university.

Yeah, well, maybe you should talk about it more. Give me another one.

Uh, give you another one?

Who's your celebrity crush? Scarlett Johansson.

That's pretty good.

Thank you. Okay, how many kids do you have? 3? 2?

What are my kids' names? Bilbo and Bilbo and Gollum.

Charlie and Wyatt.

That's good. You did a good job on that one.

Thank you. Give me another one.

Um, who is my— how long was I married for? How many years?

Um, like 10. Like Well, around. Well, listen, I don't want to get into it, but I know at some point you felt like the marriage wasn't even a marriage anymore because it was just getting— you guys were getting so torn apart. So I would say 10, but really it just felt like 2 years.

What's my favorite movie?

13 Reasons Why. You, um, you love You know, I mean, I want to hit Die Hard.

Give me a hint.

Give me a hint.

Gangster movie.

Oh yeah. Departed.

No, maybe that second. But yeah, that's pretty close. Usual suspects. Nope.

Fuck. What is it?

The same director as Departed.

Ah, say it.

Goodfellas. Goodfellas.

I knew it. I fucking knew it.

Yeah.

Jace, can I tell you something real quick? If you ever need to make a website, you should go to squarespace.com/views.

Oh, I know this. Yeah. Of course, slash views.

It's, it's, you get a free trial when you're ready to launch, use the offer code views and you save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

It's so much fun to make your own website on Squarespace because you feel like you're like a developer.

Yeah.

But you're not, but you're still kind of picking it out and making it look how you want it to look.

You can customize the look and feel settings, products, and more with just literally a few clicks. They have 24/7 award-winning customer support. There's nothing to patch or upgrade ever built in search engine optimization. You can turn your cool idea into a website, whether whatever it is. Squarespace makes it so easy for you. It's literally—

it's like an Easy-Bake Oven.

Exactly. Yeah, it's like— it's like— yes, I can describe it in a better way. Um, guys, if you're ready to start your business, make it stand out, get started with Squarespace. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code VIEWS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. What languages do I speak?

Um, Czechoslovakian?

No.

Uh, well, yeah, I hear you talking all the time.

Slovak.

Slovak, same fucking thing.

Okay, and?

Well, not very well, but English.

Okay.

Spanish?

No.

French?

No.

Klingon?

Hungarian.

Why do you speak both of those?

My mom's Hungarian and my dad is Slovak.

Oh, you, you call That must have been confusing growing up.

No, it wasn't. It wasn't? No.

Are they similar?

No, no, no. Why? Like, my dad doesn't speak Hungarian. He doesn't understand it.

But you— I guess if you just grew up with it, then you just know it.

You just know it. Yeah.

Wow. That's—

my mom would speak to me in Hungarian, my dad in Slovak. When my dad was around, we'd all speak in Slovak. When my dad wasn't, we'd all speak in Hungarian.

Oh my God.

And then I And when I got older, I'd always respond in English.

Mm-hmm. Oh, man.

That's good. My younger brother just— he just speaks in Spanish. I'm kidding. And then my, my two sisters, all they do is Mandarin. It's a very confusing household, but we're learning to adapt.

What's my favorite place to vacation?

Oh, you love Hawaii.

Yeah.

Maui.

Maui.

Yeah. It's your favorite. I love Hawaii. Love taking you there.

Why don't we go there? That's frustrating when I ask you to go to Hawaii and you just don't.

I care about you, Jace. Thanks. I care about you so much. I'm gonna end the podcast here and let you go shower.

Oh, I did. I showered. I did shower.

Then what? And shit. I'm kidding.

All right, that's the shower, but I do smell.

That's it for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening.

Come see me in San Jose this weekend.

Go see him in San Jose, April 28th.

Thank you. Sunday.

There's gonna be a pop-up shop in New York, so look out for that where I'm gonna be selling my merch. I don't know what day it is yet, but thank you guys for listening. We'll see you guys later. This has been the Fuse Podcast. My name is Jeff, that's Jason, and go buy some merch. Bye.