An Honest Interview With a Criminal

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Have you heard about views?

Holy fuck.

Have you heard about the podcast views?

Have you heard about our job that we have to do where I have to read these without being interrupted?

Oh, I thought we were just, I just woke up from a nap. My bad.

All podcasts on Spotify are free, and you can even download episodes for those times when you go off the grid, you know, to get that newfound balance into your life. So start the year off right with podcasts on Spotify. What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where I just read that ad without any mistakes other than you interrupting me.

I know, and you held it. You held down the fort even when I came in and chimed in.

I feel like it was a minute I start talking, you fucking lose interest.

Yeah, and you look away because there was a bird chirping outside.

I literally just saw a bird chirping outside, and I'm not even paying attention to what you're saying. It's hard to— it's hard to listen to you for a long time. I've realized I've been your friend for a while.

Hard to look at, really. I'll tell you that much.

That's so interesting because you're like— all my senses are bothered when I'm around you.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, because honestly, when I see you, I, I go— I start to puke a little bit.

Oh, that's crazy.

Oh God, it's a bunch in my mouth. Let me swallow it back down.

That's crazy. It's crazy how funny you are. You should try stand-up comedy. Oh right, you did and you fucking failed.

Oh. That's weird. I'd like to see you fucking get up there and do a little stand-up.

I'd rather not because I'm a pussy. All right, let's roll the music. All right, guys, that was just a bunch of jokes. Jason are actually friends.

I love you, David.

Yeah. Say it back. What? Say it back. I'm good. Um, Jason is 45, I'm 22. We have this podcast, it's called Views. How is everything? What's up?

Everything's great, man. I took my son to the doctor.

Okay.

And, uh, I'm standing in line, I was starving because I'm trying to lose weight. I'm eating 2 packs of beef jerky.

You ate your son?

Oh, is that not the story?

Your son's gone?

Yeah, how'd you know? Okay, this guy, a guy standing in the doctor's office, he goes, hey, how about some ranch with that? Like that. And I go, excuse me? And he goes, ranch, hold some ranch with that. I'm like, I— you eat beef jerky with ranch? He goes, don't you? Like that. I just never heard of it in my life. And then he goes, you know, I just saw you going to town over there, just thought it was weird without ranch.

Yeah.

And he just was commenting on like me stuffing my face.

Would you— you and your son laughed?

We left. Yeah, and he goes, Daddy, Daddy, my ankle, my ankle. And I go, no, fuck that guy, we're leaving. Because it hurts, Daddy, it hurts.

Because your son sprained your ankle, right?

Or sprained his ankle? Really bad. Playing Manhunt.

What is that?

He sprained his ankle watching your videos again.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, copying what you do.

No, how do you spread the food on my table? How do you sprain his ankles?

It was just playing Manhunt.

What's Manhunt?

Oh man, where you been?

What is it?

It's like, do you get like kids, like 4 kids on each team? You put a trash bag. Oh, no, I'm good. Oh my God. You know what, dog? I'm going to tell it to you. I'm going to make you fucking listen to it.

Yeah, I'm going to talk for a while. I got 4 kids go inside.

Yeah.

And then the other 4 hide and the other 4 got to get to the trash can in the middle of the cul-de-sac before being tagged by the other 4. It's manhunt.

It just sounds like freeze tag.

What's freeze tag?

You don't know what freeze tag is?

I've heard of it.

Really? It's where you tag someone, the person has to freeze.

No, this is a little different. This is you're hiding inside.

Yeah, it sounds kind of lame.

Oh yeah? Why don't you show me freeze tag? You know what? Everything, everything's changed with you lately. You think you're such a big fucking deal running around these Hollywood parties with all these fancy people trying to get footage from the fancy people. And let me tell you something, they're fucking good for nothing. They don't give you any footage. Jesus Christ. David gets calls from fancy Hollywood people all the time like, hey David, what's up bro? I want to film, uh, fucking Rick's having a party down at Poppy. Fucking get his— get your ass down here. And James is like, oh, okay, yeah, I'm down, I'm down to shoot. And then he comes back with fucking no footage because he's trying to get fucking footage from unfunny people. How about that?

Christ. Yeah, someone's a little jealous I'm hanging out with new people, man.

I really am.

Um, no, but I know you're right. I see the best in everybody, okay? That's my— that's my problem.

Um, I was with my ex-wife last night. She's like, does David hate me?

And like, that's what she said.

Yeah, I go, I go, no, she goes, he hates me. He thinks I'm awful because I, I take you away and I want you to watch the kids. And I said, I said, no, I said, David, David loves everybody. He— and that's, that's like the one good thing about David, because you got a lot of faults, dog, that you need to work on. But that's the one good thing about you is like you hold no grudges and like you like get over stuff super quick. And I'm like, David, David has like no ill will to you at all because I told him that you guys stopped by last night.

Oh yeah, yeah, Jason was babysitting so late. Yeah, he was babysitting till like what time?

Yeah, I made $48.

Jason was babysitting his kids because his ex-wife was at the like bar. She was drinking. She said she's gonna be home at 9:30.

Now you framed it like she's an alcoholic. She went out for some drinks.

She went out for some drinks.

And, um, and you had the funniest reaction last night. David was on the phone with me and he was like trying to get me to come out and do a bit, and he was FaceTiming and he's like, well, where is she? And I'm like, she's out drinking. And You didn't say anything, but I knew what was going on in your mind. In your mind, it was like, fucking, what are these people doing who go and go out and drink and have fun? I have a vlog to make. And then you did say something like, she doesn't like you making fucking money or something like that, right? That was so funny. And Charlie heard that.

She said, oh really? Yeah, she said, uh, she was gonna be about 9:30, but she was home at midnight.

She got home late.

Yeah. Wow.

That's because I go out. I've been out with you.

What did you say when she showed up late? To your house?

I've been— she's been mad at me lately, so I didn't even start.

Oh, you just kept your mouth shut?

I was just like— I was like, hey, what's up?

I went to go buy my friend a car the other day, Alex. I surprised him with a Tesla.

Great video.

Thanks, I appreciate it. Um, right before— like, right before we were looking for a car, he really wanted a, um, truck, and I, I went to go look for trucks. I went to 4 different dealerships, and everywhere— like, the truck people love trucks, and I fucking— I'm telling you, I hate trucks with a burning passion.

I'm not big on trucks.

They're my least favorite cars. In the entire world. So I cannot— I like, when I buy cars for people, I'm like, oh, this is a cool car. Like, I understand why someone would like it, but I can't wrap my head around a truck. So, and the people that were selling me the car couldn't wrap their head around the fact that I didn't like the truck, right? So they were like, oh, this has 4-wheel suspension, and when you go out onto the rocks, it'll— and I was like, I don't care. I literally told him, I'm like, it's okay, you don't have to— I just need the right color. Show me the right color. Like, I need silver. And he's like, Okay, we don't have silver, but we have this white one, but look what it comes with. I'm like, I'm like, I don't mean to be rude, but I only— I just need the steering wheel. I need four wheels, like, and I need the right color. That's all I needed. And so I just—

you trying to make a video or something? Yeah, you really need this thing quick.

So I just left. I just left because he just kept trying to sell me on all the cool parts of the car. And I'm like, I don't know anything about trucks, and that's not what I'm here for. Like, I just need a truck that, that he'll like because it looks cool. Like, this guy doesn't care about cars either. So, so then I got to a new dealership and he was trying to sell me on this, on this truck. And he was like, okay, I'll give it to you for $33 grand. And I'm like, okay, I'll walk out with it right now for $25.

Yeah.

And, and he was like, let me see what I can do. We can probably get you a really good deal on this. So he went and he got his manager. He was super nice to me. And then he went and got his manager, and his manager comes back. He's like, listen, man, I want this car out of here. I'm gonna cut you a deal. I'll give it to you for $32 right now. $32 grand. I'm like, I'm like No. And he's like, okay, where can you meet me? Where can you meet me? You're 25, I'm at 32. Where can we meet? I'm like, I'll meet you at 25 because I, I fucking hate this car. I think, I think it's probably the worst car within a mile radius of every place here. I told him, I'm like, this car sucks.

Yeah.

And he's like, okay, okay, it doesn't make much sense to me, but I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna see what I could do for you. Comes back and goes, $31,500.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, why even walk away? They do that.

He's like, $31,500.

I'm like, okay, Listen, um, and you see them in the glass when they go back to talk to their manager, and you know they're just like, they're not having a barbecue this weekend, let's make this asshole think we're talking about price.

So I was like, I was like, I was like, hey, listen, I'm gonna be completely honest. Like, I don't, I don't care about the car at all. It is so easy for me to walk away from this. Yeah, because I don't care about the car. Like, I don't care, right? Not invested. Yeah, like, you can't sell me. You can't be like, but you love the windows, because I don't, because I don't like anything about the car. And he's like, okay. Fine, you're right. I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna— I'm gonna see what I can do. He comes back and he goes, okay, listen, I know you— I know you— I know you want to just get this done. We want to get this done. We haven't sold any cars today. $31,250 right now. And I go, can you do $25,000? And he's like, no. I'm like, okay, thank you. And I left. That was it. And then— and then I was like, I'm getting the Tesla because— and then I ended up paying $60,000 for that. But— but there's no way in fuck I was gonna pay $31,000 for a truck.

Peace talks. Listen, Listen, I don't give a fuck if your country lives or survives. Honestly, it's so funny because there was like, get rid of your weapons or that's it.

It was like, it was, it was interesting because like I had the money to buy, to pay for $31,000, right? You know what I mean? And if he came to me and he was like, I don't know anything about trucks. So if he came to me and he's like, oh yeah, that truck's $50 grand. And then he's like, but I'm gonna give it to you for $35,000, right? I would have been like, fucking deal, right? Because I don't know shit about trucks. But since he started at 31, I'm like, I got to get it for like really low. I got to try to get it for 25.

Did Alex want a Tesla or you just kind of decided that for him?

No, he talked about a Tesla a while ago. Yeah, but then to his girlfriend, he'd say he's going to buy a truck because the truck's an affordable option. It's cheaper, but he couldn't do a Tesla. But he used to talk to me about Teslas a lot, and I got the Tesla for him. I surprised him with it. And I've never— out of all the car surprises I've gotten people, He's by far the most like thankful and like joyous and just so appreciative. He texts me every day, he's like, dude, my fucking life has changed. Like, I feel like my entire life is like put together. He's so thrilled about his new car and it makes me so happy. Like, that's great, it's insane. So he loves it.

You can show up for the videos once in a while.

Yeah, so fuck you, fuck you truck guys for trying to come here, uh, horrible deal. Um, Alex is happy now. What was your, what was your favorite item from the Stitch Fix box? Jason, did you get the Stitch Fix?

I did get the Stitch Fix box.

Stitch Fix is an online—

I got a crazy belt from Stitch Fix. Shit, I'm so sorry.

How about you guys— Stitch Fix, you gotta change your name. I'm drunk. Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle. Just go to stitchfix.com/views and tell them your sizes, what styles you like, and how much you want to spend on each item. You'll be paired with your very own personal stylist who will handpick 5 items to send right to your door. Then you try them on, pay only for what you love, and return the rest. Shipping exchanges and returns are always free. Guys, Stitch Fix is amazing. It's basically your own stylist. It's only $20, and it's, it's incredible. The styling fee is only $20, and you can get started now at stitchfix.com/views, and you'll get an extra 25% off when you'll keep all 5 items in your box. That's stitchfix.com/views.

It's like having your own personal stylist, like when I come over and you, you put my outfits together.

Exactly like that.

So well.

Stitchfix.com /views. Thank you Stitch Fix for sponsoring this.

Hey, did you watch the Ted Bundy documentary?

No. What is— you know what, you know what, I don't— I did, I watched the beginning of it.

What'd you think?

Um, I only saw— it was like the beginning where they were like talking about all the serial killers.

It was slow in the beginning.

I, I find it so like scary how like all these like serial killers are glorified, right? Like, isn't that like so sad? Like, that's like— I don't know, it's—

yeah, it is sad, but it's, it's so telling of the time. Did you know he broke out of jail twice?

That's insane.

Insane.

How do you do that?

The first time, he trained his legs for 3 months to withstand a 50-foot, a 3-story fall from a library. So he got out that way, jumped out a window. The second time, they caught him and he was free for like 16 days, killed a bunch of people. Then, then, oh, he—

when he, when he got free, he went to go kill people?

Yeah.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

How many people did he end up killing in total?

I want to say 30. Yeah, he kept 30 people. Then when he escaped the second time, he was gone for a few months, didn't know. And he turned up in Florida from Colorado and he killed another person. He went to a sorority, attacked 4 girls, killed 2, and then he killed a 12-year-old girl after that. And they got him in Florida.

Are you fucking serious?

But it's just very telling of the time where they were like, because he was so handsome like you, David.

Thank you.

People were like, this guy's alright. The funniest thing— not the funniest thing, the saddest thing is he's in the opposite things. He's in the courtroom. He— it's like he's defended himself. He refused a lawyer. So he walks around his trial playing like prosecutor for himself, defending himself, because he was a lawyer, right?

He was studying to be a lawyer.

Yeah. And to your point about being glorifying stuff, there's clips of him talking to the press and all the press is laughing at his jokes. Like, it's crazy. You should watch it.

People liked him. He was like— he was like, like a likable serial killer.

Yeah. Yeah, it's bizarre. Anyways, wow. And we, you know, and as Trisha and I were saying, sometimes we get a little scared.

Sure.

When, you know, we're left alone with you because I'm so attractive. Very attractive. Wait, so, and fucking nuts.

So he killed people. He just killed women.

Yeah, he was into— he liked to kill— most of them were like 21, 22.

That was girls. Absolutely insane.

Mm-hmm.

But because he was like glorified— like, yeah, like you see all these movies now. There's a movie being made about Charles Manson. It's just like, like, I can't imagine.

You know what else is great on Netflix? Fuller House. Yeah. Yeah, I watched that. Go back and forth. I watched a little Fuller House.

I can't imagine. I can't imagine being the victim's families, like, right?

Like, you mean like because it's being glorified?

Yeah.

Well, that was the big thing with the Quentin Tarantino movie.

He had to like, he had to get permission from Sharon Tate's family or something. Yeah, I think also on—

so you're down, you won't even watch that shit. You don't think it's right. Just don't even watch.

No, I'll watch it, but I just think it's very strange. Like, I play a video game, it's called— I don't play it, but like, I played a little bit. It's called— I'm not a nerd or anything. No, it's actually my favorite. I used to play Call of Duty and it used to be my favorite video game. And there's this thing called zombies, and you're killing zombies basically.

Yeah.

And it's always like a new map. So, so it started out as Nazi zombies, so you're killing Nazis, which is fucking great. Everyone wants to put a bullet in Nazi heads. Like, it's like they're the most hated people on the planet. And, and now they came out with a new game.

They kill influencers.

Well, that would probably be the next best thing is to kill YouTubers. No, but it's, it's on the Titanic. Oh, so you're killing the zombies of the passengers and they're coming like the passengers are coming to attack you.

Yeah.

Which is like, they're still zombies. So I understand why you're killing them. It's not like you're shooting up the Titanic. But it's weird to me because it's like, it almost feels like in a couple years you'll see people like, you'll see zombies in the Twin Towers and you'll be killing all the Twin Tower victims, right? Like, doesn't that what it like almost feels like? It almost feels kind of weird and wrong. Like the Titanic was an accident where a lot of people lost their lives.

But that's time.

Yeah, you're right. No, I know. I just find—

You could never do 9/11. I guess maybe you could in 100 years.

Yeah, you could do 9/11 in like 100 years. Like, that's really weird to think about.

Right.

Or am I—

Yeah. Are the zombies the— they're the victims of—

the zombies are the people on the cruise ship.

That's really fucked up. I think video games like those kind of video games are going to go away and no one—

and it was never like a problem or anything. Like no one, no one saw it be a problem. I don't know. It could be crazy. All right, guys, for the next part of the podcast, we have a really special guest. His name is Jeff Wittek. He's the newest member of our friend group. He's one of the best looking. We recruited him very early. Jeff, say hi.

What's up guys, my name's Jeff.

Fuck yeah, that's, that's an intro.

Well, you gave me a nice intro, so I figured you earned it early.

He's been kicking around for like fucking 10 years on Instagram. What are you talking about?

What do you mean? I'm just in our friend group.

Recruited him early. Poor guy's been suffering doing fucking—

that's true, Jeff. How do it?

Doing content with 1,600 people.

Jeff, how is it being our—

this is how we do this here. We pass back a microphone. You guys don't have a third microphone?

No, we only have two mics.

I don't understand.

I—

these people need to know that how, how you guys half-ass everything and you you're so successful is just a miracle.

That's like the magic behind it, isn't it? How are you, Jeff? Jeff, tell us a little bit about yourself. Ah, fuck it, I'll tell people about you. Jeff is a criminal. He's, um, he went to jail for honestly a long fucking time, and some would say that he deserves to be there longer. I would, I would even argue to say that he hasn't learned his lesson yet.

Yeah, I'll admit it, it's true. I've hurt a lot of people to get to where I'm at today. Yeah, and they all, they all deserved it though.

Jeff, you— how long did you go to jail for?

Only a few months.

That's a long time for a normal person. For you? Yeah, for me and for Jason, it's a long time.

But the first time I went to jail, I was like, I'm never coming back here, man.

And then what happened?

And then I went back again and I was like, oh, this looks familiar.

What?

Okay, explain to people why you went to jail.

Um, the first time was just like childhood bullshit, like fighting and like doing like, you know, kid stuff.

100%.

And then the ones later on, the big one that you're talking about, is drug trafficking.

Drug trafficking. And do you guys edit these? No, no, not at all.

So everything I say right now is definitely making it in?

100%.

I don't get a second chance to call you and say, hey, cut that out?

No, you don't. So don't say anything that you don't want in.

Okay.

Tell us about the drug trafficking though. How much were you— how much were you moving? This is all real, by the way. I know maybe Jeff sounds like he's kidding, but he's actually— he used to drug traffic, but it was like marijuana, right?

Yeah.

And it's not— that stuff's all legal now.

Yeah, I just have such a sarcastic tone that nobody's gonna believe any of this, but it's true. Yeah, well, you can look it up. My mugshot is on— it's in David's videos. I'm sure you've already seen it.

When you got caught, what happened? How is it getting caught and going to jail for 4 months?

It's the worst thing ever. It's miserable.

What happens? What goes through your mind? Jason, you can chime in anytime.

What's that? Yeah, I've always wondered, like, what's that feeling like when you're in that moment, you're sitting around with a bunch of drugs, or maybe you're just playing video games with your friends, but you have drugs in the house. They— but they bang on the door, and then you know it's the cops and it's over.

Yeah.

Um, well, my initial feeling was like, this is gonna be a great story for a podcast in 10 years from now. That was the first thing I thought when they busted in and they had their guns drawn.

I was like, yes, do they find you in your apartment?

Um, yeah, they got me in my apartment in South Beach, Miami.

Wow, you lived a life, huh? In South— in South Beach, Miami.

Now, man, yeah, it's rough. I'm over here.

That's okay, you're good. And then they came in and they said you're under arrest. They read you your Miranda rights. What happened?

Well, they, they came to my apartment and I was having a— damn, man, this is bringing me back.

Are you crying?

No.

Okay.

Um, I was having a poker game, like a, like just— it's kind of illegal, but it's a little bit of a gray area. Like, if you have your friends and you charge a rake— a rake is you take a percentage of the game, so it's kind of like an illegal casino is what I had going on. But, um, I didn't— I wasn't that good at it because I was partying a lot at the time. I, I didn't really know what I was doing, but I, I had a big ego, and that's a bad mix. Sure, you know the deal. Yeah, this guy's ego is huge.

You're talking about Jason?

Both of you guys. Um, So I had, I had some drugs in the house, but it wasn't all mine. A lot of it was just— sure, I, I had, I had like a basically a casino going on in my house. Yeah, in my luxury apartment on, on the beach in South Beach.

How much were you paying for the apartment?

Like 5 grand.

5 grand a month? Yeah, not bad.

Um, yeah, so they came for the poker game, they found the drugs. And that's what they charged me with. But yeah, yeah, so they can't—

were they like, whoa, whoa, whoa, look who we have here! Bingo!

They all thought they were comedians. They, they ripped open everything I had in the house. If I had an unopened cereal box, they would rip it open and dump it all out, like, let's see what we could find in here. And they were just torturing me.

Wow. And were they laughing at you?

That's how you get off shooting me with a paintball gun?

Yeah.

If you become a cop, that's, that's where you get to have your fun.

You are such a fucking cop in hiding.

Were they—

you know that?

Were they—

never thought of that.

Were they laughing at you when they were like, oh yeah, yeah.

Oh, and they were like, you're— this guy's gonna— he's gonna get it in there, you're too pretty. They were making all those stupid jokes.

Wait, they were making those jokes about you? You're too pretty for jail?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Wow.

And you were never touched in jail?

No.

Sexually?

No, no. I was only there for a few months. It's not like that, like It's not just a bunch of horny— well, it is, but I think that's later when people get longer sentences and they're in there for a long time. That's when it starts getting scary.

Yeah, the difference between jail and prison is prison is longer than a year.

You're learning. Yeah, you listen.

And jail is under a year. Yeah.

Okay, so I never went to prison. I've only gone to jail.

And then did you call your parents? What did you do when you said— when they told you you're going to jail?

It's funny, man. The, the, uh, of course the big one where I was gone for a few months, I had to tell my parents and I was, uh, you know, they were helping me out and like trying to like organize.

Were they—

career and stuff?

Was your mom disappointed?

Yeah, of course. They— I was the only one out of my siblings to be a fuck-up, you know. I cleaned up my act now, but back then it was, it was rough. So, um, here, take over for a second.

Jeff's getting weepy-eyed here.

Oh my God, Jeff, take your ticket. I'm starting to tear up.

Take a minute.

Tell me about how disappointed your parents were when they found out that you were very disappointed, man.

Of course. But, uh, the second time I got arrested was for selling weed.

Yeah.

And that time I was already like, fuck, man, I've put them through so much shit already that I tried to cover it up. I told all my friends to tell them that I was in Mexico on vacation, and they— she found out anyway.

But does your mom call you now like, you're not getting into drugs or not selling drugs, right? She's still worried about you.

Um, no, I don't think— I don't think she worries too much anymore.

Would you ever go back?

She worries more. She's— she watches David's videos now, so she sees that I have a new source of income, getting paintball guns shot at me.

Would you ever go back to dealing drugs?

Um, no.

Why are you shaking your head yes?

Because, man, I got a good life now. I got a good career. Why the fuck are you looking at me like that?

There was a pair of, um flip-flops that were missing from my house.

And I didn't take your flip-flops, man. I was never—

I didn't say that. I didn't say you took my flip-flops. I'm just saying that there were some flip-flops missing that went missing around the time Jeff went coming around.

That's true. I remember that.

Anything missing here, David?

No, nothing's been missing here. Did you learn your lesson in jail?

Yeah, not to go back. Not to get caught again.

Not to get caught again. So you're gonna do it again, but you still wanna get caught?

Look, you got to do what you got to do, you know?

I don't know what that means.

I don't like that at all. That's, that's like mind of a criminal shit. You got to break that shit.

First of all, I sold weed. Weed is, is legal now. Yeah, so I got arrested for something that's legal now. So what I did is not even bad anymore. I'm— you hear that, guys? I'm actually a good guy.

It's not legal to just sell weed out of your apartment here.

Um, I wasn't selling out of my apartment.

You were mailing it.

Yeah, that's illegal still.

Well, you don't have to go back, Jeff. You're very talented.

And yeah, we want to keep you around.

Thank you.

And you know the best way to keep you around is if you're ever interested in building a new website or turning a cool new idea or showcasing your work which you would— the best way to showcase your work, if you want to tell people about how much of a disappointment you were to your parents, you can go and use Squarespace.

You can add on my deep emotional story about the darkest time of my life.

Stepping right on it.

Can you give me a second? You can sell products and services of all kinds. You can promote your physical or online business. You can use Squarespace. It gives you beautiful templates created by world-class designers, powerful e-commerce functionality that lets you sell anything online, Did you hear that, Jeff?

I knew there was a reason why.

Jeff, Jeff, listen to this. Powerful e-commerce functionality lets you sell anything online. Free and secure hosting, nothing to patch or upgrade ever. 24/7 award-winning customer support. We're encourage— we're encouraging you to make it— make yourself easily create a website by yourself and make it stand out with Squarespace. Head to squarespace.com/views for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code views to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. No, but in all honesty, Jeff, Jeff's a great guy and I'm— I just like busting his balls. He's He's really, he's really sweet. He helps with the videos. Um, recently just went through a breakup, so he's—

we got a lot in common.

We have a— we all have a lot in common.

We both have—

it was like a year ago. Yours is a little— oh, yours is like a fresh wound. Yeah, you and, you and our buddy Todd really bonded over the breakup. Yeah, it's really nice.

And us too. Yeah, we all got a similar situation.

Yeah, we all have gotten a lot closer here. It's nice.

Ex-girlfriends that, that put us on and made us who we are today. It's, it's We'd be nothing without— come on, be nice, tell the truth here. Yeah, I know you got a script here that you guys read and, you know, but let's— but you just want to speak from the heart.

Let's be real, uh, off the record here. It's just what I wanted to say. It's just nice when good-looking people, um, like me and you get to talk on the podcast. Um, what I was just saying, I'm telling Jeff that it's nice, it's nice, it's like a nice change of pace to talk to another, uh, attractive person.

I don't understand.

Jason's sexy. Feel has skyrocketed over the past week.

I, I don't know.

You're saying that you— I mean, oh, you're saying you and Jeff talk?

Yeah, well, when Jeff and I talk on the podcast, it's like a different energy when me and you are talking. You can feel like—

David, do you, do you think that you're as good-looking as Jeff?

No, I never said that. Jeff, am I good-looking?

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you need a little work on the haircut, but your face and, and yeah, your personality makes you Beautiful.

You look in the mirror and you go, hold on, you good look. You put yourself in the same category as Jeff.

Let me, let me pay a compliment back to my fellow good-looking person.

You look like a female tennis player, Jeff. I mean, David.

No, no, I don't think I'm as good-looking as Jeff, and I never will. But I really appreciate those words, Jeff. And I think, I think Jeff's, I think Jeff's really good-looking. Yeah, I'll put that out there right now. I've never said that, actually.

Yeah, you say to me all the time.

Yeah, I do say it all the time.

You go, why doesn't Jeff like me? I go, he does. And they go, that's kind of a weird thing to say. What do you mean, like you?

I never said as a friend or what? I've never fucking— I've never said that. It's so weird.

You turn the radio on really loud.

Jeff, plug yourself real quick before you go.

Um, what do you want me to say? You want me to say my name's Jeff again? You really get a kick out of that, don't you?

Say, um, this is my social medias, and then thank you guys for having me. My name's Jeff.

Are you fucking with me?

No, I'm being serious.

People listen to this shit?

Yeah, surprisingly.

Um, guys, you can follow me on Instagram. It's @Jeff.

What's your name?

Jeff.

No, what is it?

Like, it's @Jeff. What do you—

what's your name? What's your name?

My name's Jeff. Fuck, that's torture for me.

The studio audience is gonna get a kick out of that.

I'm gonna— I'm gonna give you like, uh, passes of me saying it. You get like 3 more of those and that's it.

I'm done for the week.

No, for life. No more my name Jeffs.

Okay, I gotta be careful with these. All right, thank you for Jeff for being on our podcast. How was your vacation to Puerto Rico? Horrible. Great. Trisha's gonna love that.

I don't like to go places.

Yeah, you go and eat it. You say everything looks the same.

It's the same. People eat, they fucking, you know, you have a drink and they go to sleep and they wake up the next day and do it again. I think you fucking hate going places. You know, we were driving there and before I went, I was me and Natalie in the car and I go, uh, and I was bitching about it. And I, I, I had fun with Trisha, like we had a great time, but I just don't like— and Natalie goes, now he goes, I hope I never lose my like love of life the way you have.

Yeah, bro, you are— I said this before, I think like a couple months ago, you literally have like old man syndrome. Yeah, you're like becoming that old guy who fucking hates things.

I've always hated going places.

That's so interesting.

I think it's a waste of time.

Really?

I really do.

You don't find the joy in it? What do you enjoy? What makes you happy?

Like my kids, like filming. That's it. You know what I mean? I just, I don't know. I just think it's such a fucking waste. Like it's so hard to like get on the airplane and then like You go and I just hate it. Sure, once I get there, it's fine, like, okay, but it was cold.

So what happened on the trip? They were—

you went on this— we saw Hamilton. We— Lin-Manuel Miranda said hi to Tricia. That was really cool. And then we went on this 8-hour excursion to see these like lit-up lights in the middle of the ocean. They're supposed to be really special.

Cool.

And there was like— there was an old woman on the trip and, and like, you know, she had survived cancer 4 times. And basically we would see the lights and they weren't there. We traveled for 8 hours in a car and then by boat, and then we had to walk, and we got to the lights at like 8 o'clock at night, and they were like, do you see them? Do you see the lights? And they were scamming us. Like, we were totally scammed. And we were like, we don't see them. And they're like, no, no, no, they're there. You have to kick around. You have to kick around. Kick the water. Nothing. Fucking nothing. And there was this woman who was like 75 years old. She survived cancer. And I remember she like— she's like, I can't wait to see the lights. I survived cancer.

She's a little world traveler.

Yeah, she traveled a lot. And when she had to get— she got out of the boat, she, um, she, she She couldn't hold herself up and she got down on her knees and she let out a really big fart and it was really embarrassing.

What'd you say?

Um, I said, hey, you need to go number 2 or something. No, I didn't, I didn't say anything. I was just like, I helped her up. But I was just like, this woman's going— like, I couldn't understand, like, I couldn't process it. Like, she's going around the world to see this shit and there was nothing there.

When I worked at a retirement home, letting like old people letting farts go was like a part of a conversation.

Really?

It was like breathing to them. So like when someone farted, it's like no one at the table would even turn a head. It'd be like, oh, okay, we're just passing gas. Like there'd be, there'd be times where I'd literally be taking an order and the guy that's giving me his order will just be letting out like the longest, like 15-second, like some chili with—

could he hear it?

Yeah, you can hear it, but he doesn't care because he's old and he's like, why, why the fuck would I care about this kid's opinion taking my order? I just want my food. That's just how old people are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is pretty cool.

That's how it goes.

Yeah, you're fucking getting there.

I fart all the time. I can't control it.

Yeah, you're, you're getting to the point.

You know what? Enough, enough. I'm not getting towards anything. Jesus Christ.

Here it goes.

I mean, I am fucking doing really good. I'm thriving. Yeah, you and this shtick that I fucking— I keep up with you, motherfucker. I'd like to see any 45-year-old do what I do. I fucking keep up with you fucking all the time. Yeah, you're pretty, and you're out of your mind. You're not a normal 22-year-old either. Yeah, you're pretty weird yourself, and I can't wait till you get old and fat just like me. I fucking can't wait. It'll be the best day of my life.

You'll be dead.

Maybe so.

So what happened with the woman? She liked the lights?

No, there was no lights to see.

She go in the water?

No, she shouldn't go in the water. Huh? No, she didn't.

Fuck, what are you talking about? Someone in the water?

Oh, that was her daughter.

Oh, and Yeah.

And then her daughter went in the water and she was really annoying and she was like, she's like, oh, the water's wonderful. She's like, you're going to have to tell me when to get out. And someone goes, get out.

Oh yeah. I don't know. I haven't been on vacation in a while, so I guess I don't really know what it feels like.

Yeah. I mean, you don't enjoy life. That's fine.

I do enjoy life. I don't know why you think that I don't enjoy life. Have I ever given off that vibe that I don't care about life?

No, I just would like to see you like do more things, you know, and work less. That's all.

The other day I was— I had to get my video up and my big bit that I had like canceled on me last minute. And I was just telling— I was just talking to Natalie here and I was just like, I, I— on everything, I wish someone walked into my house right now and shot me in the arm. Like not enough to kill me, but just enough to like— so I have a good excuse not to post today. Right, like just like something that I like, you know, where people will be like, oh man, that sucks. That's okay, Dave, get better. Like take the time off. But like, I don't know, that's— I don't want— I don't want to die. That's not like a suicidal thought. I'm just saying.

You got pretty frustrated yesterday with Jonah, huh?

I just wanted—

yeah, David called me last night. He's like, he's like, Jason, I'm so fucking livid. I'm so fucking mad. He's like, I'm actually acting like a crazy person. I never want to see Jonah again. And I go, you don't really mean that. He goes, no, I I know, I know I don't really mean it, but I mean it. I kind of do mean it. I'm like, you're not going to say that in an hour. You're going to get over it. I know I'm going to, but right now, right now I fucking hate him.

Yeah. Jonah got— Jonah and I got into an argument about a bit. But yeah, now we're good because fucking— I can't be mad at someone for too long, which sucks. Have you ever cut anybody out of your life?

All the time.

Don't fucking speak to anyone except your kids. Other than your kids.

That's it. I've cut out every— I've cut out so many people. My mother always told me that. She goes, your life gets a lot better when you get the assholes out of it.

I don't know. I feel like you're just very pessimistic about a lot.

Yeah, I mean, I just don't— I don't— I don't enjoy much stuff either. It's hard. It's hard to enjoy anything. Everything sucks. Hey, what's your policy on tipping?

What do you mean?

You tip 20%?

Yeah, I tip 20%.

Do you ever go up to 30%?

No, but I should. I should start tipping more.

Here's what I think. I was doing 20%. I always do 20%, at least, even if they're bad. Even if it's fucking awful.

Oh, me too. I always do 20.

I'm like, I feel bad, they gotta put up with everybody. That's 20 right there. But when I do go up to 30 or 35, I want the person to come over and, you know, maybe acknowledge. Oh, okay. And not, not, not— but this is all I'm talking about.

You want to be rewarded for your time.

I do.

Hey, uh, come back here. Okay, take a look at the receipt. You notice that it says 27%. Go ahead. I think you owe me. Say thank you.

How about this? How about just one of these? They pick up the check and they go, oh, thank you.

Yeah, that is cool.

How about doing that? Yeah, I do 30%, you know, when they're really good.

You should start—

I'd like a nod.

Start tipping 100%.

100%.

Yeah, then you'll get a nod.

Fuck that, that's too much.

No, I've never actually— I actually haven't had a waiter where I was like, holy fuck, this person deserves a lot more than a regular tip.

You haven't had a meal David fucking does this thing where if people want to go to eat, he's like, okay, order me the chicken salad. And then he'll like try to roll in right when like the food is coming, and then he'll leave cash on the table and leave. You haven't looked at a bill in fucking 2 years.

Yeah, I like doing this thing where like my friends are going out to dinner, I'll tell them what I want, and then I'll get there, and then, and then I'll get there right when the food gets there. I don't know how I do it, but I'm so magical at timing that. And then I'll leave.

It's pretty fucking easy to do.

And then I'll leave. It's so easy. And then I'll leave before— I'll leave before the bill gets there, and I'll just put cash I'm usually pretty good about putting like a lot more money. Like last time I ordered chicken teriyaki and I put $100 down when I left.

Now sometimes these methods annoy me and other times I think they're brilliant.

When do they annoy you?

Okay, well that would annoy me. Like, it's like, let's just have a nice dinner. That would annoy me a little bit. Okay, but I understand that's how you work. I've accepted it. But sometimes I love it. Like last night you went to this party and I was like, okay, David's going to this party. And then you were like in and out. It must have been in and out in 8 minutes.

It was less. It was like 3 minutes.

You went for 3 minutes. Yeah, which can be great. So if you are rolling around with David, I don't really want to go to the party for that long, and then he'll do this thing, he's like, go swing by this party, and I'll be like, no, no, no, no, no, I don't want to go to this party. And then he'll remind me that he only goes for 6 minutes. Yeah, which is the perfect amount of time.

I want to swing by a party, I genuinely mean I want to swing by. Like, even every time I leave a party, the valet's like, are you, are you leaving for good? Like, they'll be confused because I'll come for so little. It was our friend's like clothing launch and like Parties are tough for me, so I'll stop by and I'll, you know, I'll know within the first 60 seconds if there's going to be anything to film, right? And if there's not, then I'll say thank you for having me. And I mainly go just to show support to my friends.

Sure.

Yeah.

Well, that's kind of nice. Yeah, that's what I need to do.

Okay. This next part of the segment is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's Joe, our editor, and we give him 25 seconds to say whatever he wants instead of paying him to edit these podcasts. He just talks. So we're live in 3, 2, 1.

What's up, weenies? Joe from Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast here, and today we have a special guest. He went to jail once. He goes by the name— what's his name again? Hey, what's up guys? My name is Jeff. Thanks for having me, man. I've never done a podcast before. This is really great to be here. Dude, thanks for coming on my show. I love when you do that one more time. Your name, you did the name thing. Yeah, yeah, my name is Jeff. Oh my god, I'll do that as much as you want, dude.

Fuck yeah, that's all the time we have for Joe. Sorry, thanks, Jeff. Podcast, holy fuck.

Can we get Joe— I'm gonna give you $400 and I'm gonna take you, have you take a comedy class, and maybe you can learn how to maybe come up with an original fucking idea. We just did that.

Why don't we—

why don't we just add Jeff on and we just did that joke.

Instead of, instead of giving Joe $400 for the comedy class, why don't we just pay him to edit these podcasts instead of wasting their time? You know, I don't know. I feel like there's a happy medium.

Part of me thinks, part of me thinks that maybe I couldn't be funny in 25 seconds either.

Part of me is convinced that people actually like that segment, but I also don't believe that.

I haven't heard anyone say get rid of the teeny-weeny podcast.

I haven't, but Joe is also logged into both of our Twitters, so he's probably blocking all the people that are saying that.

Podcast poll: get rid of Joe's teeny-weeny podcast or just kill Joe?

I think, I think we should get— we should give Joe an extra 45 seconds.

What?

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Do you want to hear about this Michael Jackson documentary?

Yeah, what happened?

Okay, I'll try to be succinct because I know you fucking hate when I talk.

Yes. Okay, bingo.

Okay, okay, 2005, Michael Jackson is on trial for child molestation.

Okay, right.

This kid, this guy Wade Robson, had a show on MTV. He's a choreographer. He's a choreographer for Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake. Okay, big, big, big, right? So he goes and he defends Michael Jackson, right? He's like, I've known him since I was 7 years old. There's no way this guy's a pedophile. Michael Jackson gets off, 2005. Okay, I see this in 2005 and I go, hmm, well, maybe Michael Jackson's innocent. This was, this was Michael's friend defending him, Wade Robson, who Michael found in a dance contest in like like when he was 8. So he's known him. Let's say he's 25 now. He knew him since he was 8 years old. Okay, Neverland, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, the LA Times article says that Wade Robson now says that he had a relationship with Michael Jackson from the time he was 8 until he was 12. And, and, and when I say relationship, I mean like, like me and Trisha. Wow, like that kind of relationship.

Like, so he lied.

Yeah, he lied for Michael Jackson. And, and I don't know, David, it was something about it when I read it, my jaw dropped. And like, I was like, oh my God, like, you can't believe anything. You just can't believe anything that's said. And, um, and then not only that, when Wade Robson got to be 12, he allegedly— this is all allegedly— he— Michael Jackson just dumped him because he wasn't interested in him anymore, and he got a new kid. And he found— and he got a new kid.

He's getting too old.

He's getting too old.

Yeah. Holy fuck.

So that's what this documentary is about. I can't wait to see it.

Wow. But I mean, can we believe what he's saying now?

Isn't it? Well, that's your point, right? Is that he lied then, so why is he telling the truth now?

Yeah, like, it's just— isn't it the same thing? It's just he could be lying again.

What? But well, why would you— why would you lie about that though?

Because you're bored. I have no idea. I don't know.

Why would you lie about that? Why would you have such specifics?

No, you're right. I don't discredit it.

He's dead.

It's probably 100% true. Yeah.

Anyway, anyways, But that's a lot of these articles are about now. It's like he— all these molesters, they ruin their lives, you know what I mean? Like the other kids, like on drugs and blah blah blah. But anyways, anyways, David, I just want you to know that, uh, I always got your back. And if anyone comes out with a documentary about you, I'll fucking lie and I'll say you're a nice guy.

Um, I'm really scared of that. I'm actually scared of my assistant doing that one day.

Natalie, she signed an NDA, right?

No, she hasn't.

She never signed it.

Yeah, did you say I haven't done anything like fucked up in front of her yet? I've like never murdered anybody or like really hurt, you know, over that one, and then one body cut. I haven't done anything like— no, I have. Natalie, can you come here for a second? I've never done anything where like she'd like say anything bad about me, but I am scared. Look, what if there's one day where I have like this like horrible like fucking like just day and I'm like drugged out and like I need her to keep quiet, but she doesn't.

Drugged out?

I don't know.

I wouldn't do drugs.

Well, not yet, but in like 3 years. Now come here. Would you ever write a book about me and say all the bad things? Be honest. Like, you don't have to be funny.

Just what the fuck would you write?

You're giving yourself a lot to say, Jason. You'd be surprised.

You give yourself like— you have a— you have the wrong like opinion of yourself. Like, what, what would someone write about you?

No, I'm not bad at all, but I'm just saying, I'm saying like in the future, like let's say like my life is in shambles and I like turn to drugs or some crazy fucking shit. Okay, do you know what I mean? I'm just saying like, would you would you ever talk poorly? Because you're my friend, so I never had you sign an NDA. Are you under an NDA?

No, not officially.

Like, you kind of are, like, like verbally.

Yeah.

Okay. Would you ever talk poorly about me? Like, let's say, let's say, let's say I did some fucked up stuff. Like, I murdered— I murdered a bunch of people. This is so crazy. I would never do that. But like, let's say I did that, right? And I guess that's a bad example, because if Natalie murdered a bunch of people, I don't think I'd cover for her.

Let's say, let's say you were like, uh, I was—

let's say I was dealing drugs. Let's say I was dealing drugs. Okay, like our friend Jeff. So let's say I was dealing drugs. Would you— and, and someone came to you and, and, and they were like, Natalie, we'll give you $5 million if you tell us everything you know about David and his drug dealing, and you can help us write a book about him. What would your answer to that be?

The only way that I would ever rat on you?

Wrong answer already. You're going to rat on me? The fuck is wrong with you?

If you hurt people, that would be the only thing. Like drug dealing is not like a— is that not a serious offense?

That's why she's my assistant. Natalie, make sure the kilos are moved to the garage. Okay.

I don't know if you've ever seen any documentaries about Pablo Escobar, but I guess so.

Natalie said, but he also gave back to the community. He also killed Natalie.

Get off my kill this community. I got beef with Natalie. Hey, can I have a segment like Joe's teeny weeny podcast? Yeah, also let's call Beef with Natalie.

Let's talk about this, Natalie. Oh, let's talk about this because this is the perfect place to talk about it. Jason, Natalie and I were talking about how you're— how you're— you show too much attention to your children.

We've talked about this on the podcast before, and actually Natalie had a nice conversation about it yesterday that you excused yourself from because David goes, stay for the podcast, like that. Like my feelings don't fucking matter in real time.

No, okay, I, I should, I should rephrase that too. And you don't show too much attention but you, um, that's the totally wrong way to phrase it. You, you think that you're not a good dad.

I do.

And you like, and you like, and you're like going like, you, you overcompensate and you do way too much because, because of the divorce. I understand that, but I feel like, but I feel because like I'm not—

he keeps giving the microphone to Natalie and then pulling it away, which is about the time.

No, no, I just talk from my own perspective of having like divorced parents where I feel like you try to overcompensate, where a lot of people in in the same situation as Charlie and Wyatt are like lucky to see their, their dad once a week or once every other week for like an hour for dinner, you know. And then you're—

not that it's wrong, but you know, there'll just be times where you're like, there'll be something that you can do like productive to like help you like financially, or you, and then— or me. And then you— and then you'll be like, and then you'll be like, I, I have to go see my kids. I, I know, but like you see them so often, and I wish you realized— I know that you saw more than like, then I would see my dad, and my parents weren't divorced, and we lived in a small town home.

I know, I can't, I can't, I don't know what it is. I can't let it go. Yeah, because my dad was not around. I just, I just want them— I just don't want them to grow up to feel like— I feel like if you're like neglected as a child— I think I was neglected as a child and it fucked me up really bad.

You think?

Yeah, it made me very like underconfident. It made me like really like question like my place in the world. And so I am— Natalie's right that I am overcompensating, and I don't know, I don't know how to get out of it because I've provided, like, I've raised their expectations so high.

We're taking your kids away from you.

Please, I would love it. I actually love when you interact with my kids because David fucking gives them— he is so not mean, but he like cuts to the chase. Charlie will show him a painting, he'll be like, that fucking sucks.

That's not true.

No, but you say it in a joking way and they know you're You're kidding.

Yeah, your kids are really good with understanding my sense of humor.

They get you.

Like, your son was working on a project about the Titanic yesterday, and he showed me, and he's like, this is the real reason the Titanic sunk. And I'm like, no, it's not. You made that up. How do you— how do you— you're 11 years old. How do you know about how the Titanic sunk?

It was because of the captain. It was because the captain. And his whole point of the paper was that there was 5 reasons, and it wasn't just the captain. And he had just finished saying that.

I was completely— I wasn't even— I didn't even know what I was saying. I was just trying to fuck with him.

Oh, oh, I really thought you were like— oh, I thought you did the same report.

Oh no.

No, I was just last year.

I was just, no, I was just fucking with you. No. And then, and then, and then he was like, and then your son was laughing because he knew I was kidding. He did, which is, which is really cool. Okay.

But sorry, Natalie, uh, continue about how David doesn't surprise my kids with anything because they don't give good reactions. Can you imagine that?

This is, I want to, I want to, I want to say this too. This is a really stupid argument because if you're listening to this at home, it's going to sound like we're, we're, we're talking to you about being too good of a dad, which is kind of weird, right? Like how, What are we trying to say?

I know what you're trying to say.

I think like to play devil's advocate, there's like two ends of the spectrum where you can like overcompensate and be like there for them all the time, right? And then there's the other side of the spectrum, which you're worried about is not being there and being like absent or whatever. But there is something to say about like being there too much. And then like they are like, you know, Wyatt is like— Wyatt's about— is like 13, about to be 13, whatever. And like he's still like— they still have like that baby talk in them where they're like, Daddy.

Yeah, I know. You know, talking about that last night, right?

And then it'll, it'll be like, it'll become an issue probably later on if they're not like left to be independent. I don't know why I'm like lecturing you on parenting and why I think I'm like so great at parenting.

But last night these two come over and they're like, come on, just leave them, just leave them there in the house. I'm like, they're asleep, I can't just leave them. Now he's like, my parents left me alone all the time. But like, it's my mom's like literally in the other room.

Oh yeah, Nelly's mom is here. Come on, come over here, be on the podcast.

There's the horrible mother.

How old were you? How old was Natalie when you left her alone? She said, first of all, I'm the— well, come here, come here, come here.

Oh my God, it's so weird to see Natalie's mother because I think I'm older than her.

Okay, hold on. How old were you when you left Natalie alone?

Um, so, so circumstances, to be honest, circumstances did go up to the mic, please.

So circumstances did, um, caused me to have to leave her after school because I had to work.

I was a single mom. So how old was she dealing meth?

I don't remember the exact age.

Bath salts.

Do you remember the exact age?

Definitely before 3rd grade, which I was like 8.

Yeah, I would say somewhere between 7 and 10. We also lived right across from the school, which, you know, like how— like the walk home was like like a block.

But you guys— and you guys grew up in a small town, and I think you can do that in, you know, East Bumble—

7 to 10. Regardless, everyone has different methods of parenting, and it's not fair that we're— it's not fair that we're judging you. I'm sorry about that.

No, no, and I appreciate— you know, Natalie said something really nice last night. She said I am a good dad, and that's really nice. And you said it here, and I'm gonna try to like space it out, but it's like I'm not there at night, so I'm not doing homework with them.

I'm not like You just gotta stop worrying.

All right, everything—

your kids are gonna turn out fine. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today. It's been the Views Podcast. Thank you guys for listening. My name is Jeff. Go follow us on Instagram @davidoberick and @jasonnash. Thanks guys, bye. Here's a quick and free way to finally stick to your New Year's resolutions. Start listening to podcasts on Spotify with more than 150,000 podcasts, including Oprah's Super Soul Conversations, The Tim Ferriss Show, Happier, Gretchen Rubin, and The Nutrition Diva. You can learn how to balance a budget, balance your diet, and how to feel balanced while meditating. Even if you're still wondering if the cat's been fed. All podcasts on Spotify are free, and you can even download episodes for those times when you're gone off the grid, you know, to get that— all that newfound balance into your life. So start the year off right with podcasts on Spotify.