What You Should Never Say To A Girl

We all take our stress and anxiety with us through our day, and when it comes to falling asleep at night, well, we can't. Jason, how long does it take you to fall asleep?

Oh, it's terrible. A good hour and a half.

Well, here, there's two things you can do. You can either download the Calm app, which is the number one app for sleep, meditation, and relaxation, named App of the Year last year by Apple, or you can just stuff your face with Reese's peanut butter cups like Jason does. Both work extremely well, but I would prefer the Calm app. If you head to calm.com/views, you'll get $20, $25 off a Calm premium subscription with hundreds of hours of premium programs, including sleep stories, which are bedtime stories designed to quiet your mind and relax your body.

I love that. I love listening to like people talking, like, you know, I have used the Calm app and it's like, now you're walking through a forest.

It's amazing.

It's great.

You can check out guided meditations on topics like anxiety, stress, and sleep, and they help you put you to sleep. For a limited time, visit— Views listeners can get 25% off a Calm premium subscription at calm.com/views. That's calm.com/views. Get unlimited access to all of Calm's amazing content today at calm.com/views.

Calm.com. Calm.com. That's fun to say.

Calm.com. What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where I feel like we can reuse intros because once again Jason's feet smell like shit, and we're recording a podcast in a tiny room, so it slowly just suffocates him.

Get some new material, David.

Get some new product. Oh, he just took his sock off and he's putting it in his mouth.

You gotta see the evidence here.

Oh my God, it's brutal. And he took his socks off and his feet look like he's been walking through charcoal. Why are they so dark? Where did you put your feet?

I've been on a sabbatical.

I don't know what that means.

I've been—

You know how this show works. Smaller words. I'm fucking 16.

Oh, sorry. I've been taking some time off.

Oh, okay. Let's just roll the intro music. Hey guys. So I'm Jason. I'm David. Shit. Goddamn.

I'm Jason.

We almost lost our audience there. I'm David. You're Jason. And together we are Jason. And we do this podcast and it's really fun. We talk about a whole bunch of shit.

Yeah, we talk about each other. We talk about stuff we're up to. Yeah, we talk about— sometimes we talk, even talk about YouTube.

The fun part is Jason's 45 and I'm 22, and he's still smelling his fucking socks. Just put them down.

Is that the fun part? Well, I still don't understand why people like this.

I think it's because you're so old.

Is that the thing?

And it's fun to watch me put up with you, I think.

I think it's because you're so cute.

You know what?

What?

I'm not gonna disagree with that. All right, let's start with this. We had a live show, and I already talked about this on the live show, but I wanna talk about it here. We have a parking lot attendant, his name is Nabil, and we took him the other day to college to get his first kiss. He's never kissed a girl, so it was very exciting. He's very foreign, so he has an accent, and he doesn't really know how to talk to girls. He moved to America like a year and a half ago or something. And we're in the car with him, and we're telling him how to talk to girls. And Jason's like, well, a lot of women like to be told that they look young. Like they like that. They like to be told that they're younger. And he's like, okay, okay. And then fast forward a little bit. He got his first kiss after like an hour and a half of talking to girls. And he's sitting in the car with the girl that he just kissed. And he looks at her. My camera's off and everyone's having their own conversation. So he just like kind of looks at her and he goes, how old are you? I'm not even looking back. I can just hear it like happening behind me. He goes, how old are you? And she goes, uh, she goes, I'm 20. And he goes, you don't look 20, you look 15, 16 maybe. And then all of us like stop our conversation and go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Nabil, that is not something you're supposed to say. And he goes, oh, it's not compliment? And I go, no, no, no, you'll go to fucking jail.

You have a good amount of meat on your bones. I like your size. Bigger.

Yeah, but that happened. Then he got his first kiss and he was very, very thrilled about that. He texted me that night when the vlog went up at like 4 AM because he was up waiting for it to post. So he texted me at 4 AM, he's like, I love you so much, that was the best day ever. So he was very excited about it. So that's exciting. Um, what about you, Jason? What's new? What's new in your world?

Uh, just hanging out, doing, doing stuff, doing my thing.

I'll just keep talking. So there, um, I did a Wired Autocomplete interview, which is It was really fun.

How'd that come out?

It was great. I really wanna make sure you don't watch it though.

Why?

'Cause they do ask me a question that was very revealing. One of the questions was, who are David Dobrik's best friends? I listed a couple names.

Who'd you list?

Honestly, it doesn't matter who I listed. And it doesn't matter who—

Obviously it was me. Okay. Either the first or second name.

Sure. I listed 5 names.

And you're saying for the other people, like, like Zane and like Todd and Scott.

No, I just don't— I don't want you to listen to it because I didn't list your name. Oh yeah, and weird. And I was thinking about it and I was like, fuck, did I forget about him? And I was like, if I went back, would I mention his name? And then I was like, probably not. I'm actually very confident and thankful of the way I answered it the first time.

If I ever— someone asked me who my best friend is, I wouldn't say you either, so That's— we're good.

That's so weird because I think I saw literally someone ask who your best friend was and you said me like 2 days ago.

I was joking. We were in line at a meet and greet and someone asked me that. They were like, they're like, so you and David are just so tight. You guys are so tight, right? You guys, you guys just like are like besties, like best friends. And I was like, no, no, not really.

Oh, I remember that. I remember that there was somewhere else where you referred to me as your best— it's always so weird when you refer to me as your best friend. Like, I get it, like we are friends. I'm not like trying to put that down, but it, it's like, you know, you just like step— take yourself out of it. Yeah, it's like, I am so much younger than you, so it is interesting. But I get it because we are friends.

Yeah, I had an awful moment the other night being so much older than you guys. We were sitting at In-N-Out. I had the worst night the other night, the night I was like, oh yeah, awful to you and you're awful to me. But I did the topper on that night was sitting in In-N-Out. I was fighting with Tricia. I was mad at you. And then I, I go to sit down and there's no room at the In-N-Out booth. And I'm like, I'm 45, like, what the fuck am I doing here? Let me just go home. I can't eat In-N-Out because I went across the street.

Because you're too old and you'll have diarrhea.

Yeah, exactly. And I went across the street to get a shake, like a healthy shake. I brought my healthy shake into In-N-Out. I just look like a homeless guy, like, hanging out with all the young people at In-N-Out. And then I So there's another booth of Todd and Zane, and there's a seat there. So I grabbed the seat next to them, and I love those guys or whatever. And so they're looking at Finsta, and I'm like, oh cool, cool.

Like, you know, it's just weird. Look, can I say that?

Yeah.

Do you know what Finsta is?

Well, I, I was like, oh cool, Finsta. Like, and they're like, you should check this out. And so then I go to the App Store and I try to download Finsta, and Zane is like Zane's like, oh my God, that's not an app.

Todd, Todd, he thinks it's an app.

And then I was just like, I saw how funny it was. I was like, that's very funny. I'm leaving. I'm going home. Like, this is it. I'm done.

Finsta is a— is people have— people have Finstas and they're fake Instagram accounts. So it's— it's— it's— you make a second account and like you make it like a fake name. Like you'll— it'll be like Chocolate Syrup Baby. And that'll be like your name, and it's only for your closest friends to follow, right? I don't get it at all. Do you— have you heard of Finstas?

I've heard of it.

So like Miley Cyrus will have a Finsta, right? And she'll have like 50 people on there.

Yeah.

And it's just her closest friends, and it'll be like pictures of her like doing blow or like sucking dick, like, like some real like nasty shit that she doesn't want anybody to see. But it's weird Because 50 people still have access to it, which is crazy. Yeah, people post like crazy shit on their Finsta, and that's how shit gets leaked, like, like to the press and shit.

Stupid.

Yeah, I'm like, I have no idea why people have it.

It sounds like people with too much time.

And it's like, why would you post— why would you want to post something that not everyone can see? That blows my mind. It's like, why would you just want to post it? Like, just keep it in your photo album. Like, don't post it. Yeah, why are you posting it to just your 50 friends? Send it to a friend if you want them to see it.

Text it to them.

Yeah, exactly, text it to them. Don't Don't have like a group of 50 people viewing it. Like, that's dangerous.

Yeah, I think I saw Todd's and he had like 2 likes on something.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there's no like— it's not for likes, so I don't know what it is. I don't understand the purpose of it.

Yes, it's just for fun, I guess. David, David, people do things for fun.

No, you're right, but it's hilarious that you tried to actually download the fucking app.

And I don't want to purport myself as someone who does things for fun either.

Sure, I don't purport. Nice. So we had a meet-and-greet at our show the other day, and there was this girl that came to our meet-and-greet and And are you paying attention? Are you on the computer? Are you looking up porn? Oh no, you're reading the app.

No, I'm totally paying attention. I know what you're gonna say. I'm getting in the zone. I'm getting ready to respond and say something funny.

I don't think you know what I'm gonna say.

I do.

What?

Goodnight, Debbie.

No, not goodnight, Debbie.

Oh, okay, go ahead.

There's this girl that said she falls asleep to our podcast, so we have to say goodnight to her real quick. Goodnight, Debbie. Even though I don't know what that fucking means, by the way, Debbie. You fall asleep to our podcast? Actually, fuck off, Debbie. No, that's not it. There was a girl that came to our meet and greet, and then she came with 4 of her friends, and her friends were complaining that they didn't get enough time with us because we have to meet like 250 people, and she was complaining to Dom. And you know what happened?

What?

Dom took her back to my apartment and had sex with her.

Oh no.

Yeah.

That night?

That night.

Jesus Christ. He's on fire.

He's on fire.

Unbelievable.

I don't know, that kind of is scary.

You know, that just goes to show you, you know, you can be very dirty and yeah, kind of on the other side. And people like that. Dom, people want to have sex with that.

Yeah, Dom is kind of like the gross guy in a friend group who has sex with a lot of people, and it's almost becoming like kind of attractive, an attractive quality. Yeah, he's went from gross to like, oh, that's hot. Yeah, he's like, he's flipping it slowly.

I found it so funny that, you know, we were— I find your, you guys, your younger guys to be so much more open to sex and stuff, like at least with girls and stuff. Like, you guys talk about sex in front of girls. It's like, really? Oh yeah, I find girls too to be like, oh yeah, I took this dick in my mouth, it was great.

Oh yeah.

And that never would happen when I was younger. Yeah, or at least I didn't know people like that.

Yeah, especially Dom. Dom talks about it so easily. But yeah, he took the girl over, and, and the way I found out is I was laying on the little sofa he has in his, uh, room.

Yeah.

And I actually laid on someone's underwear, and I'm like, who's in— whose underwear is this? And he goes, oh, this girl that went to your live show, she left her underwear here. First, how do you leave your underwear somewhere? I never got that. Like, pick up your underwear.

She left in a rush. She woke up, she was like, this was a mistake.

But like, wouldn't you like— I don't know, I would never leave my underwear. You've left your underwear places?

Yeah, because I just have to get up and I got to go and I just like throw on my jeans. I'm like, I'm out.

You probably leave your pants and underwear there. You just leave.

I've walked out without pants or underwear.

Just your dick.

For sure. Hey, would you ever Would you ever keep a slave? Like, I just saw this— not that kind of slave. Oh, I just saw a dominatrix thing, this couple.

Oh, okay.

And they got this guy to be their slave, and he wants to be there. Oh, so when the guy wants to— when they want to put their feet up, he like gets on all fours and makes a table out of his back.

Oh, like, would I want to be like dominated?

Yeah.

No, I don't think so.

Or would you want to be the dominator?

I don't think so. I feel like— I'm sure I will, like in a couple years when like everything is like boring, right? And like, I need a spicy couple years.

You'll get a slave. So I'm probably about 24.

No, not a slave. Like, like, guys, when we're talking about slaves, we're talking about like for sex, not for sex.

Yeah, we're not talking about that kind of slave.

Yeah. Um, I don't know, have you ever, have you ever had to like, have you ever been dominated?

I mean, I'm in a current relationship right now where I'm dominated every day, emotionally and physically. No, no, I don't do shit.

Have you ever been handcuffed?

My ex-wife.

Other than for my videos?

Yeah, no, I know I don't do that. No, I don't, I don't know. I know I should, I know I should like put more thought into, you know, like when we talk to our friend.

If I walked in and you were fucking handcuffed, oh my god, I would lose it. I would think that'd be the funniest shit.

Really? With no clothes on?

Yeah, I'd start shooting you with paintballs.

Well, Hey, would you ever have an open relationship?

Oh, that's not a relationship. That's just a fuck buddy. Do you know what I mean?

An open relationship.

I don't know. I don't find that to be a relationship.

Hmm.

I can't, 'cause like I said, I think I'm young and I'm like, I'm very—

I know a couple that did that.

Talking to you has gotten me to think that like, is monogamy the one where you only like see one person?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Well, like talking to you is like, has made it seem like monogamy isn't much of a thing when you're older. Like, it's not as serious as it is to, like, me. So, like, I don't want to speak for myself.

It is serious. It's very important to people.

Sure, for sure. Right now, right now, it's super important to me. But I don't— I've spoken to enough old people where they're like— fucking disgusting old people—

where they're like, I don't know, like, would you ever go to a strip club?

See, I can't do that because I'm just like, I feel like I'm fucking 7.

Oh yeah, we went to a strip club once for a video and you were like, you turned into a different person.

Yeah, I turned into a little bitch, bro.

Yeah, you didn't like it at all.

No, I don't know what it was.

David was like, uh, he was like— and then they walked out, he's like, and then they get paid for that? And people pay them to take their clothes off?

It's just—

we're like, yeah, that's what happens.

It was really weird and interesting to me, but I'm really into that whole thing. Oh, yesterday we had a porn star over at our house, uh, Riley Reid. She's very popular, and it's— it was very fun to talk to her about porn. Like, there were so many questions, and it's like, it's so fun to talk to someone about something like that, because it's so interesting.

She said male porn stars last 2 hours.

Yeah.

2 hours!

That's crazy.

Yeah, I don't know. And then what, they cut that down to a half hour?

Yeah, apparently, I mean—

What part is good fucking and what part is bad fucking? Like, I don't get it.

I mean, for porn stars, it's all bad, 'cause you gotta get angles and stuff, so it's literally like, open up here, now put your ass here and put your face here.

Oh, is that what it's like?

Really?

Oh yeah.

How do you know that?

Because I've talked to enough porn stars.

Like, really?

Yeah, I've, I've, I've heard, I've heard stories about— I actually watched porn documentaries. I don't think I've actually talked to a lot of porn stars. I've watched porn documentaries. I made that up to make myself sound cooler.

I had lunch with LeBron James on Saturday.

Oh, wait, you know what? I just, I just watched the Lakers game on Comcast.

Oh, but that's really interesting. Yeah, I want— I don't know. I don't know if she— I would enjoy having sex for 2 hours.

Yeah, that's too much. And it's— it can't be sex after 2 hours. Can it still be still sex?

You lose feeling, right?

It's not even you lose feeling, but it's just like, what are you doing for that long? Like, you start— you know what I mean? Yeah, it can't be good.

I prefer just, uh, 20 seconds.

What do you prefer?

Just eating hamburgers? No, I prefer, uh, regular porn, like amateur porn.

Oh, oh, like not like scripted porn.

Yeah, or not even like porn stars.

I mean, there's amazing types of porn that you can watch, porn that's like Scooby-Doo, and it's like, oh, speaking of Scooby-Doo, I ran into—

speaking of Scooby-Doo, I have a low opinion of myself, so when I see a girl that's like regular and not that hot, I'm like, oh yeah, this is— this seems like someone that I could get.

Oh, interesting.

So that's— yeah, but good enough Scooby-Doo.

So you don't even look at like a super hot girl and be like, oh, she's cool?

I never look at porn stars. No.

Oh, I don't look at porn stars either. Yeah, that's not my thing.

No, not my thing either.

Um, what was I gonna say? Oh, Scooby-Doo. I met— I got to meet, uh, Isla Fisher the other day.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Do you know who that is?

Of course.

Yeah, she's great. She's so funny, and she's married to fucking Sasha Baron Cohen. What a great couple.

Power couple.

That's a comedy couple. That's— I saw her, um, I saw her post on, um, on Instagram, and she was talking— she's like, uh, Sasha Baron Cohen won GQ Men of the Year, Man of the Year.

Yeah.

And she's like I'm so excited to be married to one of the GQ Men of the Year. Unfortunately, it's not John Legend. It's a really funny post. That's— I know I got to talk to her for like literally a solid 3 minutes, which is a long time in celebrity time. But no, she's great.

What would you say?

I just told her I was a really big fan of Scooby-Doo. And she's like—

Is she in that?

She's Mary Jane from Scooby-Doo. And she's like, oh really? Did you watch that last night? And I go, yes, I've actually watched it 7 times in the last month. She's like, no one's ever come up to me and said they like Scooby-Doo. But no, I really enjoyed Scooby-Doo.

She know what you did?

No, she had no idea. She's like, so you do YouTube? And I go, yeah, I hate explaining to fucking people what YouTube is. Yeah, what am I supposed to say?

They look at you and they go, oh, like you unbox stuff?

Yeah, like you unbox stuff, like you, you do ASMR.

Does not have a good rep.

Like, I don't know, I don't know what to say. And how do you, how do you explain in a cool way?

Did you hear the most— they came out with Forbes list with the highest paid YouTubers?

Yes.

You see who's number 1?

Yeah, who's number 1?

A 7-year-old who unboxes toys, Ryan.

Yeah, I know that. I've known that for a while. It's pretty fucking crazy.

Really? Yeah, I guess. I don't know, $22 million.

I hate the people that say like, this is like child cruelty. I don't like that, people, because I read a lot of comments and like everyone's like, this is fucked up, he shouldn't be working this young, right? When I think he's literally just unboxing toys. Maybe he's spoiled. But he's also like, how much is he making a year? He's 7 years old and I think he's making $22 million a year. Yeah, $22 million a year.

I don't have any problem.

I mean like, no, I don't have any problem with $22 million a year for a kid.

He will get him therapy 10 years from now.

You go to school, you pay for his fucking therapist, you can pay for it. I think it's incredible. So go, go on, Ryan. Everyone needs an ugly Christmas sweater this time of year. You need one, Jason.

I have got it. I have Tipsy Elves. I have 12 Tipsy Elf sweaters in my house.

Tipsy Elves is amazing, guys. You should go check them out. Jason has 12 of them. You can deck the hall with one of Tipsy Elves' outrageous Christmas sweater designs. They're one of a kind, seriously high quality, and crazy comfortable too. These aren't the sweaters your gram-gam used to make. Is it gam-gam or gram-gram? Gam-gam.

Depends what region you're from.

They're insanely funny and unbelievably well made. Specific sizing for men and women so everyone gets fitted. After you pick one— after you pick up one or five of your favorite ugly sweaters, check out some of the other crazy holiday attire. For men, there's stylish Christmas suits, which is incredible. Or for women, there's holiday dresses so you can get down with your bad elf.

I'm on the website now. They have one— they have a great Hanukkah one where the guy's saying holla and he's like raising the roof.

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There's one of— there's one of Jesus and it says birthday boy. That's funny.

That is funny. And how do they— how do they come up with— what, what's the other one?

That's not as funny, but it's just Jesus and Santa with a keyboard.

How do they come up with like new Christmas songs? Are there— can you make up— can you make a new Christmas song, or are they all done?

Yes, there's one called Lonely Christmas that came out last year that was pretty good.

I know, but like, how does it— how does a Christmas song enter the lexicon? Like, how does a Christmas song enter—

interesting.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, I mean, it's got to be—

they have— is Mariah Carey in it? Mariah Carey is in it, and that's pretty fresh.

But isn't that a classic song, hers?

Oh yeah, it is.

I don't want a lot for Christmas. That's an old song, isn't it? That's a cover. But what about the Hanukkah song by Adam Sandler? That was a new song, and that got into the lexicon.

What is it?

You never heard the Hanukkah song?

Are you fucking with me?

No.

What is it?

Put on your yarmulke, it's time for Hanukkah. The owner of the Seattle Supersonicas celebrates Hanukkah, so smoke your marijuana-ca and have a happy, happy Hanukkah.

Are you fucking me?

Adam Sandler is like a really big song.

Oh, I thought you said Adam Levine. I was trying to imagine Adam Levine making that song.

Okay, he's Jewish, I think, too.

Okay. Yeah, no, Adam Sandler made that song.

That's hilarious. What are your Christmas plans? Are you gonna make a turkey again?

I'm— no, like you always do. We don't make turkey. No, Christmas is the best time at my family's house. We always have garlic and bread, which is very— have you ever had garlic, like a lot of it?

Sure.

Yeah, I had it the other day because I was sick.

Raw?

Yeah, so I had 2 clovers of it. Like, big-ass pieces of garlic. And Natalie came into my room to wake me up in the morning, and she fucking flipped, 'cause it was seeping out of my pores. My entire room smelled like garlic.

Is this 'cause you were sick? You thought you'd have some garlic?

Oh yeah, garlic's great for you when you're sick. So I had a bunch of it, and it just fucked—

Did it help?

Yeah, oh yeah, it's amazing. Dude, guys, I cannot recommend this more. If you are feeling sick, there is nothing that will help more. Before you go to bed, Down 4 bottles of water. Go to Ralph's, buy a 24-pack, and finish that entire 24-pack in the day. I'm telling you, the next day you will feel so much better. And every time you go pee—

don't drink 24 bottles of water, guys.

No, do it. You'll have diarrhea in the morning and it'll come out of you like lava, but you'll enjoy it because it'll be all the bad toxins leaving your body. I'm—

Jason, I'm telling you, I honestly think drinking 24 bottles of water is unsafe.

No, I don't care, because it— fucking do it. Everybody do it.

You could listen to David or you can listen to me, whichever you like. I'm just trying to cover our ass here.

Okay, okay, maybe it's not. Maybe it's That's not a good— don't drink too many, but water is definitely the best remedy. Speaking of best remedy, um, this isn't an ad, but, um, did you see that, um, Netflix— Netflix bought the rights to stream Friends for another year for $100 million?

For one year?

That is insane. For one year they bought this show that hasn't aired in 14 years.

Twitch wanted me to stream for 1 year for $50K. Yeah, I said no.

He said no. Um, isn't that incredible?

Yeah, I think it's like— why do you think that's so crazy?

Because it's— the show hasn't aired. Like, that show is so successful and it hasn't aired in 14 years. Could you imagine creating something that lives that long that people are still paying $100 million for? Yeah, 14 years later.

It's pretty dope.

Years is a long time. 14 years ago, Jason, I was— I still shat myself. That's, that's insane.

Oh, at 8 years old, I think.

So I was shitting myself.

Late bloomer, huh? Yeah.

Um, so, uh, uh, Matt King sent this in the group chat. He says Netflix has— he quoted this— Netflix, from an article, Netflix had 137 million subscribers during Q3 of 2018. Assuming the average subscription cost is $11, those people will pay $18 billion during 2019. So $100 million is 0.55% of $18 billion. So assuming more than 0.55% of customers cancel their subscription because Friends is no longer available, they are better off keeping it. Interesting numbers. Yeah, so $100 million is a lot, but if you think about it, if, if 1% of people cancel those subscriptions because of Friends being gone Netflix is losing money.

Yeah, and plus it brings people in to watch all the shows that you don't know about.

100%. Yeah, so $100 million is not crazy for Netflix. It's actually very smart, which is fucking—

we've got to the bottom of it once again. Yeah, thanks for joining us today.

You can't find this shit on any other podcast. Every other podcast is still probably like, why did Netflix pay so much? But we're already here fucking— we're, we're to it.

We know. We're on it.

What were you saying? I felt like you wanted to say something.

No, I didn't have anything to say.

Do you ever have anything to say?

I do. I have stuff to say. Did you know I was pretty mad at you the other night?

Yeah, you were mad at me. Yeah, we got into it.

You want me to explain?

No, let's not get into the details.

Okay, so just skip all the interesting stuff from our life?

Oh no, I guess we can get into it. I just felt really bad. I don't want to talk about it because it's very sad.

I know you felt bad, but I feel like I should explain myself. I want to explain it.

Okay, go.

You want me to do it off the air?

Explain it.

Well—

Okay, now it's too late.

I was upset with Trisha about all the guys she's had sex with.

Yeah.

It's been bothering me lately.

And I didn't know it bothered you. So I kept egging you on and I felt bad.

Yeah. And so she had mentioned that she had fucked this one guy that I was just like, I mean, it's one thing to fuck a star, but then to fuck this— it was just, it was just too much. Then we went to, um, we went to this party.

She fucked this celebrity that she—

yeah, whatever. Yeah, I can't say who it was. I just got really mad and I don't know why it bothers me so much. Do you know why it bothers me so much?

Because Elon Musk is a great guy and the fact that she had sex with him is crazy. No, she didn't have sex with Elon Musk.

You know that high-speed train that's coming from San Francisco? Yeah, Trisha did that.

Trisha's idea. Yeah, you know the Model 3s?

Yeah, that was, that was designed with Trisha in mind while she was blowing Elon Musk. No, I don't know why that bothers me so much. Yeah, it bothers me. I have to get over it. I even asked the porn star last night.

I don't know why it bothers you.

Would it bother you?

Can I say something? Yeah, I think I figured out what you and Trisha need. I think just how you respect her line of work, how she, you know, fucks a lot of people, or—

Well, not anymore.

Not anymore. Or so we know.

Well, the Patreon doesn't bother me.

Okay, but here's the thing. She posts her nudes online.

Right, on the Patreon.

Just when, just like, that happens, she does that, and you respect it, you're like, that's your job, whatever.

Sure.

She should do the same and respect your job when you joke about stuff. Do you know what I mean?

Right.

Like when you make jokes, like, we were talking to the porn star yesterday, And there was like one or two jokes about like, I don't know, like, oh, I can't talk to you or Trisha will fucking kill me.

Right.

You know what I mean? Like, that's just you. That's just you doing your job. So just like you respect her nudes, she should respect you making jokes about even sleeping with other women because it's just— you're just joking around.

I mean, that's another problem I have. Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. She should, but— and she does. But then sometimes she says things where she's making jokes and I get mad too. Yeah, it's very hard when you do vlogs because then David started to like hammer home on that thing, and like you don't know if he's like doing it for the camera. I don't think the camera was on actually. I think he's just being a dick. No, and then there's another thing that David does. There's a whole other layer of what David does. Obviously there's the camera, and then there's that abuse when the camera's on, which is like, okay, we're getting something funny, I can deal with this. Then Then there's off-camera stuff where he's priming you, where he's just being a dick off-camera in hopes he's gonna get something when he turns the camera on.

So this is what happened. So the Trisha stuff, the Trisha stuff was really bothering you.

The comment that got me, the comment that sent me over the fucking edge, I almost reached around in the Tesla and started choking you, but you were driving. But you have a self-driving car, so you'd be okay. When you said something about Jason being walked on. It was like, it was so— it was something.

I knew, I knew that.

Yeah, that one got me. I was like, I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. You know what, fuck this. I'm like, fuck this. I'm like, I am— because I was walked on in my marriage for 10 years. I'm like, I am not doing that anymore. And I was—

oh, oh, you know what we were talking about? What we were talking— okay, someone was like, Trisha was like I'd marry an inanimate object. There's a woman who married a bridge, and I'm like, oh, Jason and a bridge have something in common. They both like being walked on.

Shut up, Joe!

And you didn't laugh, and I'm like, oh fuck, that was mean. I shouldn't have said that.

I would have laughed at that if I wasn't so upset.

Bottom line.

Because, oh, the thing! Oh, then we went to the thing! So she said the thing about the guy she fucked, which really put me down. And I was like, all right, come on, just get over it. And then we're walking through the art installation and there's an art installation called Plan B Hotline. Do you know what Plan B is?

Yeah.

Okay. Tell everybody, tell the kids, tell me what Plan B is. Plan B is something you take after you accidentally finish inside of— Yeah, after you have sex and maybe you didn't have a condom and you're like, I better go take the Plan B just in case. And she just walks by the installation and she goes, she goes, oh man, I used to gobble those up all the time. And I was like, I just pulled her over, I was like, can you just— yeah, can you stop? And then there's another part of me which is like, so there's a lot of building. That's who she is.

Yeah.

So no, and she said to me, she was like, that's why you like her too though, let's be honest.

Like stuff like that you'll find in no other girl. That's what's the best about her. She's so fucking weirdly honest that it's fun. Okay, let me get, let me get, let me get to the, the, the— anyway, we got into a big argument and it was—

and it wasn't even a big argument.

Oh no, it wasn't. We're making it seem like a lot more drastic than it was. It literally Didn't last more than 2 minutes. Um, and yeah, then we just started screaming at each other. And when Jason—

we didn't—

no, we did, but we were just doing it.

You weren't screaming.

I was. My camera was on.

Oh, oh yes, we were. You're asking me later.

We were just yelling at each other and like just for laughs. And, and then I thought we were just kidding around. And then later Jason came in with his smoothie from the smoothie place, and he came into In-N-Out and he couldn't find a seat.

And I was looking up Finsta.

He was looking up Finsta and he was like kind of moping around like, oh Oh, fuck, man. It must have really bothered him. So then I talked to him, and then I was like, oh, sorry for what I said. And then he texted me, oh, sorry, I think I was just bipolar. And then whatever. And then—

To David's credit—

And then we figured it out.

He was really great, 'cause I left in the car with Tricia, and I was really bumming out. That's so funny. And then I got the text from David which said, hey, I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings. I was just making jokes. I was just kidding. And that really made me feel better. And then I wrote back, I'm sorry, I got butthurt.

Um, wait, what was the butthurt?

Then I pulled them aside before that and I was like, come here. And I pulled them aside outside In-N-Out and I said it to Trisha. I was like, I'm mad at you and I'm mad at you. And Trisha and David just sat there like, so fucking what? And then, uh, like, yeah, and? How could you not know I was upset?

I don't know, because I don't know. I just thought you were—

Are you that— I thought you had your head up in your ass.

I mean, come on. I thought you were tired. I thought you were just tired, but you were actually like upset.

You got to learn how to read people, dog.

Yeah. Well, anyway, now through December 25th, the 23andMe DNA kits are on sale, guys. 23andMe helps you understand what your DNA can tell you about your family and its story. It's named for the 23 pairs of chromosomes that made up our DNA. Ancestry Composition Report with 23andMe's Ancestry Composition Report, you can explore where your DNA is from out of 150+ regions worldwide.

I come from dinosaurs. I did it and I come from dinosaurs.

Really?

Yeah.

What dinosaur are you from?

My dad was a T-Rex.

Your dad? You don't have to fucking look far back. You could have just called him. He's an actual T-Rex?

Yeah, he's a T-Rex and my mom was a velociraptor.

You found this out from 23andMe? Mm-hmm.

I mean, it's a really—

it even tells you your muscle composition. Compositions. Do you have the genetic muscle composition common in elite power athletes? Studies have found that almost all elite power athletes have a specific genetic variant in a gene related to muscle composition. Guys, it's amazing. 23andMe, literally, it tells you more stuff about you than you know about yourself. It's— it genuinely is incredible. Um, but you can explore the genetics behind your appearance and senses. You can— ability to match musical pitch. If you hear a musical note, can you sing it back? Now through December 25th, get 30% off any 23andMe kit, order your DNA kit at 23andMe.com/views. That's the number 2, 3, and A-N-D-Me.com/views. That's 23andMe.com/views. Jason, but honestly, how good was that bridge joke now that you've had some time to like think about it?

Yeah, yeah, I didn't even hear it in the moment 'cause I was so out of it.

Oh really?

But now that I heard it, it was very, very, very, very good.

When I was in my mind and I was ready to like let it go, I was like, I was like, oh, Jason's gonna love this one. I was like—

I was like, little did you know it ended the friendship. Um, no, but I heard you've been, uh, masturbating a lot lately. Jesus Christ, that's the word on the street.

Yeah, I was very frustrated yesterday and Joe and Natalie told me to go to my room and masturbate, and I was like, okay.

I don't know what's going on with your editor and your assistant. That's pretty weird.

They're really— they're keeping me on track, let's just say that. You're speaking of masturbating. The next segment is Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. I almost forgot to give him this. We give our friend Joe 25 seconds of the podcast in return for him to edit these podcasts. So here we go, starting now.

What's up, weenies? This is my new intro.

Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast only cost me $500.

Today we're doing a fun bit. David, Jason, do you guys want to be part of it? Love to.

Yes, sure.

Okay, have you guys ever heard of the fart bag podcast challenge?

Basically, we set off the fart bag while we're doing the podcast and see who can last the longest. That's time. Sure, you can do it. Hold on, how much did you pay for that intro? You paid $300 for that? That was really good. Did you hear it? Yeah. Wait, have you heard it before? Why aren't you as surprised as I was?

He played it for me.

Oh, he did? Yeah, that was incredible.

I told him to make an intro.

The way this works, you squeeze it and pop it. Okay, so it's gonna go everywhere.

I don't want to do this.

Joe has a fart bag. Oh my god, take it out.

Okay, did you bring fireworks into the house? That bit would have been a lot better.

Oh shit, smell it. Yes. Oh, oh, it's bad.

Oh, that's awful.

Oh, it's bad.

Oh, it's eggs.

Yeah, shut that window.

Oh, it's like It's like you're working construction with this guy and he brought eggs for lunch, but he doesn't open it till 2 o'clock and it's been sitting there since 6 AM.

Guys, thank you, Joe, for being on the segment again. I really, really don't care for it. And honestly, this is definitely your last time on the show. I'm sick of it. Guys, we don't have much time left. Jason, do you have anything to say before I play our last ad for our lucky listeners?

Oh yeah, I have something to say.

I hate when he starts things like this.

The movie that you shit on for 2 years has a lot of nice comments on my YouTube channel.

Oh, FML.

I don't know. And I tagged you in an Instagram story, and you know what David wrote back?

Oh, hold on, hold on.

He wrote, how do I untag myself from this?

Fuck, I want to set up Jason's movie FML that he's worked so hard on. Um, um, so Jason, Jason's movie that he's worked so hard on, FML, he got the rights to it. You paid a lot of money for the rights. How much you pay for the rights?

I paid $7,500, which is a lot.

$7,500 just to have the YouTube, just so he can own his own movie on YouTube. He posted it on YouTube for free, so you can go watch it. It's the movie he made. I'm in it. And okay, what happened now? You can tell what happened.

So then David, who's been, I, has been shitting on the movie for like 2 years.

I shit on the movie all the time. The second I watched it, I was just like, ah, fuck this.

And then, and then, um, people, their comments have been really nice, and there's a lot of comments that are like David, David shit on this. I was expecting it to be like so bad. It wasn't bad at all.

Well, that's why I made it. That's why people are liking it so much, because people expected something so terrible.

So you did me a favor.

Yeah, you're welcome.

You talked it down so much that people are pleasantly surprised. And then the Instagram story is, uh, I, I tagged him in like a little Instagram story and he just wrote— and he never DMs me on Instagram— how do I untag myself?

Because it's like a shot of the poster board of the movie. And he tagged all of us in it, and you can't, I don't wanna have anything to do with that. Before I go, guys, the holidays are coming up.

Fucking dick.

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People are always impressed when you pull a frame out.

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oh Oh, I have something to say.

No, I wanna say something.

Okay.

I bought my assistant a Mercedes.

Yes.

I surprised her with a Mercedes. And I was in the Mercedes dealership and the total, I negotiated down, it was like a $56,000 car. I got it to $47,600. And that's what I shook the hand with the dealer and I was like, let's do it. And then I went to the back room to where the guys fill out all the paperwork and I'm like, listen, I have to get outta here. I have to go shoot. Can we make this paper real quick? And he's like, I got you, don't worry, I got you. I'm gonna give you all the good stuff. And I signed all this shit, I left, and I called the guy 'cause I'm like, I have to bring him a check 'cause I couldn't bring him a check that day 'cause then Natalie would've seen that I bought a car. So I called the guy and I'm like, how much do I owe you? And he goes, I just called the finance guy and he said $59,600. Upcharged me 10 grand. And I'm like, excuse me? And he's like, yeah, he's saying you bought all the warranties and all the special add-ons. To your car. And I went, I absolutely did not buy that. And I fucking called him and I'm like, what are you doing? Like, this looks so shitty on you. The guy that like sold me the car, Jordan, very sweet. But the other guy literally gypped me into buying all—

They did this, I was at the same dealership last week and they put $10,000 on the car too.

Yeah, he didn't tell me any of this stuff. And then I walked out. And he took advantage of the fact that I was in a hurry and he just added all this stuff, added an extra $10,000 to the car.

Fucking asshole.

That is ridiculous. And then I called him and I'm like, this is not fucking cool at all. And he's like, oh, I gave you the best deals. And I'm like, no, take it off. I'm coming to sign it. I don't want this at all. And so I have to go today to revoke it or whatever. So I don't have to pay that much. And even on the phone when I'm being like an asshole to him, I'm like, this is so fucked up. He's like, okay, but are you sure you don't want me to leave the tires on because I gave you like the best deal possible for it? And I'm like, no, please. So that's crazy. So just moral of the story is be careful when you buy cars. Because I mean, I don't know who else is in a hurry when buying.

Don't try to buy them in 20 minutes.

Yeah, I try to buy them really quick, but like, that's just— that's just such a— it's just a shitty thing to do, and karma will fucking get that guy. It's just like, why do you do that? Yeah, why are you taking advantage of someone like that? And it's— it only makes you look so shitty because now I'm talking about how shitty it was.

Now where are you gonna go when you buy a Mercedes again? You'll probably go to the same place.

Not going there again.

Not going there again.

Not going to Mercedes. Going—

yeah, we went— we were there the other day and And the guy who sold Trisha a car goes, "Hey, I emailed you about filling out a survey about me." And she goes, "Oh, okay, yeah, I don't think I saw it." He goes, "Can you do it? I think I deserve that." Like that. You're like, "Okay." That's so interesting. Yeah, they're crazy over there.

Why do people think that when you ask to fill— Guys, if you work at a restaurant, don't ever ask anybody to do a survey. 'Cause it's just like, it ruins it. If someone really likes you, they'll fill out the survey by themselves.

I'm trying to think about that. Yeah, you're kind of right.

I've never had anybody come up to— I've loved waiters, and then they'll be like, can you fill out the survey? And I'll be like, okay. But like, I don't know.

Or if they phrase it like this: if you've enjoyed how I've done today, if you wouldn't mind—

it's just— I get it. I should leave it with this. If you, if you are a person that goes to restaurants and stuff, fill out a survey and be nice to the people when they're, when they're kind. The surveys definitely help people, and it helps people like get promotions and and helps people look good. So definitely fill out surveys when you're being waited on. But, um, if you're a waiter, just try to avoid asking for the, for the, uh, for the service tab.

Well said, David. Way to wrap it up.

Yeah, well, that's awesome. That's all the time we have for the Views Podcast. Make sure you guys, uh, like and subscribe. Thank you for listening. Thank you, Joe, for your teeny weeny podcast.

Uh, go watch Jason's movie because it's only made $1,500 because it's only $7,500 I spent and The Hamilton tickets that you told me to buy, that one only made $900.

We'll see you guys later. Bye, my name's Jeff.