Sex in the Back of My Tesla

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason does a couple impressions before we start the show. Go for it, Jason.

Hi, my name is Cleveland and I am— you can see me on the show Family Guy.

Cool, next one, next one, go.

Okay, this is an impression of a guy fucking your mom.

Okay.

Hi, my name's Jason Nash.

That's not funny.

She does listen, doesn't she?

Who, my mom?

Yeah.

Yeah, and so does my dad.

Ah, shit.

And he'll be here, you'll be hearing from him for sure.

You talked about coming down my mom's throat last week, so.

Yeah, but I—

so I mean, I think we're even.

But your mom likes when I talk about that, so it's a little different. All right, roll the intro music. All right guys, what's up guys? Welcome back to Views. I already did that, I don't know why I'm doing it. What's up guys, welcome back to our show. Stop clicking shit around, dude.

I'm trying and we're on 4% on the fucking—

I don't care, I don't care. Don't click anymore.

Don't click. What does that mean? Don't click anything. Why does it bother you to click things?

Because you can't multitask. So when you're clicking stuff on the computer, you're getting—

I can multitask. I'm listening to you.

Well, now you are because you stopped clicking. Look, start clicking again. You're just hitting one spacebar and look, the mic is already by the computer.

Yeah, because I'm trying to get some foley, dude.

All right. All right. What's up, guys? Welcome back to the— what's up, guys? Welcome back to the podcast. I just— before we actually sat down to do this podcast, I was in the kitchen and I was eating Jason's clementines, and he hates when I do this. Yeah, you know what I did?

What'd you do?

I actually did it for the sake of content. You had 4— you had 4 clementines left and I ate all of them. He's going out to check. He's going out.

Better be one clementine for me to go to sleep tonight. There better be one.

Go check.

There were 20. There were There were 45 clementines.

Go check. He's going to check, guys. I actually had 2 and I was full, but I was just like, I got to finish.

Fucking son of a bitch. It's not just that I can't buy it. This is my diet, David. It's my diet.

I'll order. I'll order you a burger.

And then when you— this is my diet.

Yeah.

'Cause it's not even that you ate them. It's not like I don't like to share. But it's what will get me from not eating cookies tonight.

Let me tell you, 'cause I don't think you heard me. I was eating them. I was on my second one. And I'm like, oh my god, I'm full. I wasn't even feeling them anymore. And then I saw that there were 2 left. I'm like, I have to fucking kill this shit. So I went back to the cabinet, and I destroyed the rest of the clementines.

Why don't you buy some food and contribute?

Because I don't know how to go to the grocery store.

Oh my God, again with the 21-year-old.

I'm just a young kid, dude. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Yeah, I'm just trying to figure it out. How much money I made today?

Look how much money. Guys, all right, well, let's start by talking about what's really important here.

Your channel.

Jason's ugly. Good, we both had jokes.

Okay, I thought they were both good, actually.

Let's get to the serious stuff. We had recently, we went to baptism.

Yes.

And on our way to the bat— I said turn your phone off. That's your phone. I said turn your phone off. That's not my phone.

Son of a bitch.

That's not my phone.

Yeah, I see you have 10 texts.

You're a dick.

That's your Twitter. Mine is off.

Oh, big deal.

The sound came from over there. You're blaming everything on me. You blame all your fucking faults on me.

You're blaming it on me just because I'm young.

I can't tell if you—

oh my God, he's dragging the phone. I'm just a kid, dude. Don't blame me.

I can't, I can't tell if you're just doing this on purpose to make the podcast entertaining, or you're really the biggest fucking shithead I've ever met in my entire life.

Dude, can I tell the story?

Yeah, turn your phone off.

Yeah, it's off.

You yelled at me for not having—

oh, okay. We went to— listen, we went to a baptism, and it was, um, it was our— it was our little, little kid's— not little kids, it was our friend's baptism, and it was his little brother's baptism, so we all went. And on our way Halfway through the ride, our friend Corinna goes, "Hey David, I have some good clickbait for you. David caught them having sex in my Tesla." And I didn't think anything of it. I was just like, "Oh, okay, I don't know what that means." And I just kind of ignored it. And then I thought back to it and I'm like, "Okay, maybe there's something funny we can talk about with that, like starting the vlog." So I turned on my camera And I'm like, Corinna, after 5 minutes, I'm like, Corinna, say that line one more time. And she, she didn't say anything for like 3 seconds. And I turn back and she's giving my friend a blowjob in the back of my own car and my own Tesla. And it was fucking great. It was hilarious, hysterical. And I mean, it took— they were like, absolutely not. You're not using this. They were, they were so against the footage. Jason was there. I'm not telling Jason the story. I'm telling you guys the story.

I literally saw her head come up.

Yeah, we saw her head come up. We even saw a little bit of saliva. Like, it was the real thing. I even had to cut around the part where there may have been a penis in the play. But yeah, so we had to— we got out, and I was like, I'm 100% putting that in the vlog. That's hilarious. And then we argued with them. They didn't want it in. And I'm just like, that's bullshit. It's my car. I want to be able to put this in. And after a lot of convincing and me giving them a shout out, they let me put it in the video.

Right.

Which I was really excited about.

A lot of convincing.

A lot of— like, I mean, a lot of—

they were on the fence about putting it in. They really were like, we don't know.

It came down to like the last, last couple hours before I had to post. And I posted it and I thought it was hilarious. It was, it was like a gem. Like things like, how often are your friends getting, you know, getting head in the back of your Tesla? Like, that's not— that doesn't happen often. And everyone in the fucking comments just fucking tore my friend Todd and Corinne up. Like, just like ridiculous. Like, it was so insane.

What was up with the comments?

Everybody was saying like, fuck those two, I never want to see them in a video ever again, they're so disrespectful. David worked hard for that car and you guys are disrespecting him inside his car around all your friends. You guys don't give a fuck about your friends. And I'm just like, dude, I'm telling you, And like, Jason and I went through them. I went through maybe 1,000 or 2,000 comments of people just saying, fuck those guys, that was so disrespectful, which I was so confused by. So, so confused by. Never in a million— like, what did you think when I told you about those comments?

I was baffled. I don't understand your generation at all. I don't. It makes no sense to me. Like, the idea that you would take it that far, that they're disrespecting your car? It makes no sense.

It's that they're disrespecting me, that like I bought the car. That's what people are saying.

I think people are just reading, hearing a lot about how we have to like be nice about personal space, super PC, and they're just taking it too far.

I think it's all insane. When I saw— they have to be all kids.

It's all 15-year-olds like forming their opinion about—

there's no way those are people my age saying shit like that. They're like, there's no way. Like, I, I grew up— like, I, I even said— I even DM this to a girl. That was like giving them shit for it. First of all, I thought it was the best car ride we've ever been a part of, like hands down.

It was the funniest night of the year, hands down. It was hilarious. I've been in cars where people have had sex before. It's funny if it's a group of friends.

And it's even better that I'm a vlogger and I'm obviously gonna fucking vlog it. And we were on our way to a baptism. Like the whole thing was perfect.

You know what I think it is? I think a lot of girls are jealous that that they weren't giving Todd head.

There were a lot of girls that were jealous too, and they admit it.

I think, but I also think that's jealousy. Like, that comes out, that's how it comes out. 'Cause they're slightly jealous.

Well, regardless, regardless, that's what happened. And I even DM'd a girl, I'm like—

What'd she say?

Well, I just DM'd this girl, I'm like, I have no idea how you thought that was possibly disrespectful. Like, we're a group of friends. And what was this girl? No idea. I'm like, we're a group of friends. This wasn't Todd and Corinna giving a blowjob on a public bus. Like, this was, we're literally a group of friends in a car. Like, when I grew up, when I was in high school, and my friends and I would have sleepovers, I shit you not, I can count multiple times where someone woke up with a ballsack in their mouth. Like, that was just fucking kids being kids. Like, it wasn't gross, we weren't being rapey, we weren't sexually harassing anybody. That's just, those were our jokes. It's just like, that's our friend group. Those were its boundaries, like doing that. Like, it's fucking gross. But like, a kid would wake up and a guy's being tapped on his face with a ball sack, and he'd just be like, get the fucking shit out of my way, probably punch him in the stomach, and then they'd move on. They'd laugh about it. And then the next sleepover, he'd try to get him back and put his asshole in his mouth.

Like, it's— those days are over.

Yeah, though, it's—

you're— even for you, it's ridiculous. Literally since Harvey Weinstein, that— it's which was awful, but that's all gonna— that's all gonna change now. But, but I, I think it's gonna be very different.

I think it's— I, I get like— I get doing— I get doing things like that to people you don't know, but like the people watching our video, I don't know if they don't realize that we're a group of close friends. Like they're not making anybody uncomfortable by—

right—

by getting a blowjob in the back of a car. It's fucking hilarious. That's all it is, is it's really funny. And the reason they did it, obviously is because they want, it was the thrill of it. It was a car full of our friends and I vlog everything they do. So if they possibly got away with it, it would've been fucking hysterical.

Right, they would've had a great laugh on you later that night.

Yeah, they would've.

They would've been like, I sucked you off and David didn't even see it.

They would've come up to me later in the night and be like, I just gave Todd a blowjob and you had no idea.

I would've eaten you alive.

It would've pissed me off. I would've been like, fuck you, next time you let me know and I wanna film that shit. But I still would've, it's just, I was just so confused because like, I'm not saying put your ballsack in everybody's face. Like, that's not what I'm saying, you know what I mean? Like I'm saying it was just a group of close friends fucking, doing a bunch of shenanigans. It's so completely normal.

Maybe people are just really— I don't know, artists have like smaller boundaries than us. I mean, I don't know, I can't tell because I've never been friends with other people that haven't been like me.

I couldn't justify any of the comments saying how disrespectful it was. Like, I just, I couldn't, I couldn't understand them.

Maybe it's all like Christian people.

I didn't understand where they were. I don't, I don't even know if it's that, dude. I mean, I had Christian friends. It's just, let me know on Twitter.

They also could be 8.

Yeah, they could also be 8, which is—

I have some friends who have teenage daughters, and like, these are like really, really good, good kids.

Yeah.

And that, I, I, how I receive like girls who are like 14, 15, like for sex and stuff they're just like, ew. They're just like, ew.

Yeah, it's gross.

They're just not into it, and they— and they— and then so they're just gonna say that. And I think that's who's leaving the comments.

Yeah, I mean, I, I did see a bunch of older girls say that too.

You did?

Not really, no. I was just kind of trying to balance it out.

Oh, so, so basically you're sitting here getting upset over what a bunch of 14-year-olds— I mean, I, I really—

I don't know how old these kids were, but it's just like, it's, it, it, it stresses me out because like I don't know. I'm not saying it's ever— I'm not saying you need, you need to put your balls in someone's face to have a good relationship with a friend, right?

But it's just like, I mean, that's how we get on.

But that's how me and Jason actually met. My balls were right on his eyeball.

Well, I, I needed the money, and yeah, and you know, and it helped me out during that time. I, I think that, um, yeah, you just— I just— you're in a weird spot because your content is not for 14-year-olds. Yeah, but that's who watches. That's a lot of the people watch it.

Yeah, Scott's bio is, I make adult content for kids. Yeah, that's the best way to put it, right? And that's, that's what I do.

That's what you do.

Um, it's like the Family Guy of like the younger kids, but that is funny. Um, but, but the problem is like, I don't know, there is no problem. I just want to clear the air and definitely say that none of us were uncomfortable at all.

Yeah, and leave Todd and Krinnell alone because they They were just having fun, and I could 100% speak on all of us.

Big Nick and Brandon, we thought it was fucking hysterical.

Yeah, none of us felt like, oh, they disrespected us in any way.

I, I don't know. That's so crazy. That's so—

although you might have to burn the car now.

I have to burn the car.

Yeah, but which is unfortunate, but that's okay. But you have a Lamborghini coming on Monday, right?

I don't have a Lamborghini. We went to the Lamborghini dealership and I checked out their cars. So expensive for such shitty cars. I'm sorry, but it's— Lamborghinis are not nice cars. If you've ever driven in a Tesla and then you go to a Lamborghini, you'll realize that it's—

I didn't understand the loudness of it. I didn't get it. Like, why were you running?

Old grandma— we sat down in a Lamborghini, he let me turn it on, and Jason plugged his ears right away. And he's like, is there something wrong?

No, I— yeah, I did. I was like, is it always this loud, or does this— because it was right when you started, I thought, well, maybe at first it's very loud.

No, I mean, that's what they're known for.

How do you listen to music? How do you talk?

You don't.

Maybe it's—

you've never been in a loud car? You actually can't even hear yourself talk to anybody.

Really?

Yeah, if it's like driving fast, you can't hear. It's just— that's the fun of a loud car.

Well, we don't want that. Well, let's take it back.

We never got it.

Oh yeah, right. What planet am I on?

I've been getting a lot of tweets about net neutrality. Yeah, I don't know much about it.

Well, what I've read on it is things could go bad, that they could, you know, charge you for Twitter and Okay, Netflix and all these things.

This is what I understand. I could be completely wrong because I literally read like 3 tweets about it. Okay, um, I think it's— I think it's AT&T can go in and they can— they can like own— not own, but I guess better, for the sake of better term, master parts of the internet. So like they'll have— AT&T will be like, you buy this package, we'll promise you a fast YouTube and a fast Hulu, right? But if you're trying to go to Netflix, it may not work or it's going to be really slow. So that way, that way, like, you know, like AT&T or whoever owns Hulu or Netflix—

that wouldn't make sense because, you know, things are always done for rich people and money. So that wouldn't mean that you— so you're saying I would have to buy AT&T and Comcast if I wanted fast Netflix and fast YouTube?

Or you'd have to pay AT&T more money to get different tiers of the internet.

Yeah.

So it's basically like the internet's not just a one thing, one price, you get access to everything. It's like you get access to this and you get access to— and you don't get access to that, which is the most fucking pathetic thing I've ever heard. I don't even know like what the reasoning behind it is.

Just to make more money. But I think people would be so alarmed. Some of the things I've seen where it's like—

It's all over Twitter. It's everybody's talking about it.

Twitter's gonna be $7.99 a month. There's just no way people will stand for that.

It's so crazy that it's all over Twitter and I still don't know a lot about it. But it is all over Twitter. And it's just like, it's to the point where, how is this even still like being talked about? Shouldn't have already been—

the vote is today.

The vote is today.

Yeah.

Shouldn't have already been canceled by now.

I don't know. I don't know how the vote came out because we're YouTubers and we post videos and we literally were editing.

We won't know till next podcast. Next podcast will be here, we'll find out.

Hey, did you buy that Bitcoin?

We'll find out when half of our listeners can't go to the Apple Store anymore.

Yeah, people have been tweeting me saying, oh my God, your like your career is over.

I've seen that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which maybe it's true, like I haven't read enough on it, but that would suck.

Yeah, I heard net neutrality, they're gonna kick out all the old YouTubers too.

Oh really? I heard they were gonna kick out all the jerky ones.

It's brutal. All the douchebags, they're gonna kick out the douchebags.

Yeah, the young douchebag ones.

Interesting. You're gonna have to—

you need haircuts.

You're gonna have to tell your kids then that.

Really? Who wears a hat all the fucking time? Every single—

your son doesn't wear it.

It gets part of his hair.

He doesn't wear a hat that often.

He doesn't have to. His fucking hair is beautiful. Yeah, yeah.

Well, give it— give him—

doesn't look like a fucking Barbie doll.

Give him a little bit.

Hmm.

Give him a little bit until I make him join the army and he has to shave it all off.

Oh, really? Yeah, make him join the army. He's gonna be a fucking famous rock guitarist and we're not gonna fucking let you in backstage.

Your son's gonna be a famous rock guitarist. Yeah, and I'm gonna be an astronaut. Oh yeah, and I'm gonna visit the moon.

Oh really?

Yeah, and when I'm on the moon, I hope you never fucking come back.

Huh? I hope you fucking never come back.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna fucking have my own space station and guess who's not invited?

Oh, who?

You and your kids.

Oh, guess what? No interest in the moon. Never had any interest in the moon. Go ahead, have fun up there.

You're right, you probably wouldn't be able to afford a flight up to the moon.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I probably could afford one, don't care. You have fun up there with no Subway, 'cause I know you love Subway, and there won't be one on the moon.

Don't fucking bring that up. I'll bring a Subway to the moon.

Okay, you can probably get one sandwich on your first flight, and then what do you do? All right, here, I'll give it to you, 60 sandwiches. You could take 60 sandwiches with you to the moon, but what will you do on day 61?

You're a fuck.

I am.

It's not even funny anymore.

That's right, it's not fun. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit— I know you, I know you love Subway.

Um, no, I love your son. He's a cool guy. Your daughter though has a massive attitude problem towards me, and I, I've been wanting to talk to her about it, but I'm kind of scared. Stop eating her candy, dude, because she's gonna get cavities if I stop eating her candy.

She's got cavities anyway.

Well, then I'm doing her a favor.

Yeah.

Um, Jason's kids, I, I still can't tell if they like me or hate me, but They ask about you all the time. Yeah, and I ask a lot about it.

They tell you about my— they talk to you about my ex. They say your name in front of my ex all the time.

Really?

Yeah, and then David, and then David, and then David.

That's such bullshit.

It's true.

You do this a lot.

What?

You like make things up about people to make them feel better, and I'm fucking sick of it.

Dude, dude, this is what she does. She does the same thing.

There's no way your kids talk about me in a positive way.

They talk about you.

There's no way. Dude. Jason, I have interacted with your kids.

Dude, they do the same thing with Brandon. Charlie, Brandon and I were just talking about this. She'll come in, she'll be really like kind of shitty to Brandon and like lukewarm, and then when you guys aren't around, that's all they talk about, that's all they ask about. Really? They love that I live here.

Okay.

They're, they're, they just, they love it. And they do talk about you all the time.

Regardless, I did buy some Bitcoin. Guys, Bitcoin is back in the news again.

What's happening with it?

Um, it's Bitcoin. We talked—

I tried to buy some, I can't find my license. So I wasn't able to. I guess I'm going to miss the boat.

Bitcoin is basically an online currency, and it's going up. It's looking— I bought it at about $6,000, and now it's at about— it's at about $17,000 for one Bitcoin. Wow. Which is a lot. So I've made $11,000 off my investment, which is a lot. But I mean, it could have been so much better. Like, all our friends are like, I bought Bitcoin a month ago. I've just made $4,000. I literally could not give less shits about it because—

why? Because we had this conversation the other day. Why don't you care about a small gain?

It's good because it's—

because we're playing it like Vegas. It's not— it's not Vegas because it's—

it's— it's nice. It's cool. I'm glad they gained, but like, even my gain, like, when I gain, I'm just like, I don't care about this because it's— it's so minuscule.

You got it.

You're so short-sighted compared to what people like have gotten off. Like, I'm comparing myself to like Bitcoin greats that like were like, like, but those people were doing that in 2009. Yes, exactly.

They waited 8 years, David.

Listen, right now you've been in for 2 months. I know, exactly. And right now my gain of $11,000 isn't anything, but in a couple years, if it goes up to $100,000, if we're lucky, then I'll be like, okay, this is nice, now we're gaining. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but it's too early to tell. I don't know, I, I can't You want a result so quickly, but you're, you know, I do.

You can't expect it.

Speaking of quick results, I don't bring up what happened with Shannon last night. What happened? I'm gonna bring it up.

When we had sex and there were some quick results. Okay, I told you that in confidence.

Who's Shannon?

Shannon, my imaginary girlfriend. Yeah, who I ejaculated too early. Even in my fantasies, I just—

I don't know why. I don't know why.

That's why I was futzing with it.

Open the damn computer, 'cause I'm about to transition. I don't know why you have an imaginary girlfriend when you can just sign up for eHarmony.

Oh, that's right, eHarmony.

If you're trying online dating, chances are you've run into lazy text messages, dead-end conversations, and random matches that just don't turn into anything.

Yeah, but you can't get to know someone just by looking at their picture. Unless it's David's, and then you can see that he's the devil.

Yeah, or you can see Jason's and realize that this is not worth your time.

Hey. I'm on eHarmony.

Uh-huh.

And it's going well.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm getting lots of matches.

eHarmony's unlike many other dating sites. eHarmony takes steps that other dating sites don't in order to find a more compatible person.

They are built to help you find lasting, meaningful relationships, not a shallow hookup site.

Hookup site. They have helped over a million people find their perfect match. eHarmony uses years and years of science data and psychological research to send you looking for the best matches.

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That's not what eHarmony is.

No, it's not what it is! So don't even try to compare it to the other dating sites. Okay, okay. It's different. It's the real thing.

Okay.

No, it really is.

Yeah, I know. Right now our listeners can get a free month with eHarmony when they sign up for a subscription. Enter our code VIEWS at checkout.

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eHarmony. Come see how eHarmony can change your life. Go to eHarmony.com and get started. Enter my code VIEWS at checkout. Could you imagine if we had a part to these ads where we had to— you know how like during commercials, like there's a really quick read of someone going, uh, eHarmony is not responsible for heart attacks? That'd be sick. I would love to do that part. EHarmony is not responsible for heart attacks or skin conditions diagnosed by the—

I thought you were going to say you're going to bring in a girl right now from eHarmony.

We should do that. eHarmony, if you're listening to this, give us a real-life date for Jason to interact with. You think you're ever going to find love?

Yeah, I'll find love again. Where? It'll just hit you. That's the thing about love.

Who told you this?

Huh? Oh, I told myself. I've lived quite a few years and I know how love works.

That's the thing about love, David, is sometimes you got to wait 85 years.

Well, you do. Here's the thing, people get upset like they don't have, people are always like, well, why am I single? Why am I single? Why am I single? And a couple things I'll say about that. Number one, you're probably leading a fantastic life that's too fantastic to be with someone. You know what I mean? You probably have this like great life, so everyone you meet is like, well, I'm not gonna fucking be with that 'cause my life's so great. So that's what I say to a lot of single people.

What's more important to you, like sex or like a connection?

No, definitely a connection. I need somebody that like, probably the best thing is like if someone makes me laugh. But it only takes one, David. It only takes one person, right? Yeah. Like, I— people— I think people like, oh, I'll never meet anyone, but it's just one person.

You don't think though that the older you're getting, the further away you are from the chances like that?

No, I don't think so.

Well, it's true.

How so? How do you know that?

I hate to burst— I told myself.

Oh, you did? So you've learned a few things.

I see. I hate to burst your bubble, but I mean, no, I mean, I don't—

I don't think that's true at all. Like, check out, we were at the old folks home the other day With Marnie's, um, you were getting hit on there.

I'll have you know, just the other day—

no, Marnie's, uh, my ex-wife's mother, my ex-mother-in-law, whose birthday was— I was there for a party. She's got somebody already.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, it's really attractive.

Retirement homes, to be fair, is the most sex happening.

Why is that? Why are they having sex a lot?

A bunch of horny— I mean, it was, it was a very— I used to work at retirement home.

I know.

And it was very like— sex was very popular. They would hook up with each other, which is kind of— it's kind of— it's kind of great.

No, you say the opposite. Well, why isn't it? First of all, why is that?

Why do I think it's gross?

No, no, I want to know why I think it's gross, but why does it happen? Like, I don't know. I thought like people are old because we put something in their food. Oh really?

Yeah.

You're trying to, um, like regenerate like a new human being.

I don't know what it is. I think it's because people are so bored in retirement homes. Retirement homes are probably the most awful places on planet Earth. And if you put your family there, you usually hate them. Well, don't you have family in retirement homes?

I don't, but Marty does. But no, she has a condition. She needs round-the-clock care.

Yes, if they need care, yes.

Meanwhile, she's at the nicest fucking retirement home you could ever go to.

I worked at a very nice one too, but it felt like these people were there, like the people that like, just their families just, it felt like their families gave up on them.

Really?

I know it's so weird to say, But that's what it felt like to me.

Yeah. And you're from like, uh, Slovakia, where I'm sure like you take care of your— the elderly and stuff, right? Yeah. Like, that's, that's probably a thing in your country.

I moved when I was 6.

No, but I mean, that's, that's like a thing. Like, if we ask your mom and dad that, they probably like take care of their— they don't put them in homes over there. No, no. Yeah, right. They like sit around and put them to work, and then they haven't worked till they drop dead.

But yeah, it was, it was a lot of sex, and I think—

and a lot of, um, sexually transmitted diseases.

Huge.

It was—

we weren't allowed to ask any of the residents who had AIDS. But there was, there was a bunch of residents with AIDS at—

really?

Yeah, that's why we weren't allowed to touch anything. If anybody was bleeding, anybody who had any defecation or anything, we had to stay far away because they're— because we weren't allowed to ask what residents had AIDS. And it was just a normal thing.

Damn.

Yeah, one guy— I told you this, I think— one guy, yeah, one guy shit himself once. All the waiters pulled a prank on me and told me I had to clean it up. So I cleaned it off the chair. It was wet. Mushy and, and like all over the chair, soaked.

Oh, they pulled a prank on you?

Yeah, they were like, yeah, you got to clean it up, that's your table. And it was, it was, it was like you're supposed to like call the front desk and they basically send like a hazmat team.

Oh really?

Dressed up in gloves and everything to clean it up. I just cleaned it up with like a dish rag.

This is the most disgusting story anyone's told me.

Yeah, it was fucking gross.

I just cleaned it up with a wet dish rag and got more wet.

Everybody was laughing. Like when watching me do it. I just thought that they were laughing because like, oh, it's funny, he has to clean up poop. I didn't know it was funny because I don't have to clean up poop. Um, but yeah, no, I mean, retirement homes are scary for that reason, but that's about it. I don't know.

I don't know if there's a lot. I have to ask my mother-in-law if there's a lot of sex going on there.

Where were we before you started talking about how you want to hook up with women in retirement homes? Finding love.

Yeah, we're gonna find it, Dave. Me and you, you're gonna help. That's our new TV show, guys, coming out On TruTV.

You don't think you're 2018? You think your kids are baggage?

Huh?

Do you think your kids are baggage?

No.

Kids add something?

No, I think they add something. I mean, yeah, if I wanted to date like a supermodel. Yeah, but I don't want to do that.

You don't want to?

I mean, I can't. Uh, no, I know I'll find love. And you know what? I know you're gonna help me.

How?

You're the Rainmaker. You can do a lot of stuff.

You want to borrow money again, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Come on, you could probably help me find someone. I mean, you don't want me to find someone.

Yeah, because you'll be too busy.

Yeah, because then I won't fucking be able to hang out with you all day and wait for something to happen.

You're also weird, dude, man. I don't think you can find—

I'm a weird dude?

Yeah.

You don't think I can find love?

You're a weird dude. You do this weird shit every, every time. You did it yesterday at my house.

What did I do?

Fucking stresses me out.

What did I do?

You'll like sit on the couch and you'll act like you're just hanging out with us, and then you'll get up and leave without saying goodbye. You do Indian goodbyes all the time, and it, dude, it literally pisses me off.

Irish goodbye.

Irish goodbye.

Yeah.

Did I say Indian?

Yeah.

Sorry. What's up, Liza? Um, no, but it, it makes me so mad.

What, I didn't say goodbye? I told you my Lyft was coming.

Yeah, that time you did, but you do this thing where you, you just sit on the couch and you're hanging out with us, and then you leave, and then I, and I text you where you are, and you're in your car, you're on your way home.

Why is that so weird?

Because I'm a type of guy who like, when we're all hanging out, especially in my house, I'm looking around to make sure everybody's having a good time. Like, I'm like—

I had a great time last night.

Yeah, and you know how concerned I get when I look around and I can't find you and I find out you're in the car?

I texted you as soon as I left. I said I left and I didn't say goodbye.

It's so frustrating. It's the—

I'm not sitting there— when I was on, I'm not sitting there plotting like, I gotta leave, I gotta leave. I literally am like—

But that's the thing too, it's so deceiving.

I look at the watch, it's time to go.

It's so deceiving too, 'cause you're like having a good time. I'm like, yeah, Jason's enjoying himself. And the next minute you're fucking gone. You're gone.

Yeah, but I, I was having a good time, and then I had to go.

Okay, whatever. I don't want to—

what do you want me to do? What do you want me to do?

I don't want— I—

first of all, I wasn't gonna go, and then I was like, I'm gonna stay in. You're like, no, I really wanted to watch Real Rob with you. And I was like, all right, I'll go.

Great. Now you just told everybody the show we love to watch.

We watch Real Rob.

So what? We watched a show called Real Rob. Please go check it on Netflix. I guarantee you after you see the show, you'll be like, yep, I see why they watch it. Watch this show. I really highly recommend Real Rob.

You gotta watch Real Rob.

We won't even tell you why we enjoy it.

I've grown to love it. It's—

I do.

It's my favorite show.

It's definitely— it's what I'm gonna watch tonight when I get home. Um, a lot of people have been complaining about our podcast audio not sounding up to par, and they're saying, you guys have money, fix it, you fuckers. And I don't know what that means, But that's pretty rude.

Yeah, we're gonna try to get into a studio and we're gonna book our first guest, Grover Cleveland, the 13th President of the United States.

He's still around?

From 1824, yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, he'll be 189, so that'll be our first guest. Get ready for that, guys, in 2018.

Speaking of financial stuff, I have an update on my Tesla investment. As you guys know, a couple—

Oh, what a show.

Actually, it was like a month ago, I invested $1 million into Tesla. The second I invested it, the next day it had its worst reporting day of all of its, all of its time, and it dropped a lot by like $80,000. I invested a million, so when the stock drops even a little bit, it's a lot of money. And so I had to wait. Fast forward a month later, which was like 3, 4 days ago, it, it finally went above what I bought it for., and I thought to myself, it's been in the lower region for most of the time. So I have a feeling I should sell now, wait for it to drop again, and then buy back. Right. So I'm like, okay, it's over what I bought it for. So I went ahead and I sold it. I sold all my million shares. And, um, this is my update. I sold, I sold the Tesla stock and I made, I made, I mean, I made nothing off it. I made $7,000. And then, um, and then it, I was waiting for it to drop so I can buy it back. Fun fact, the day after I sold it, Tesla had one of its best days in the last couple months. And I mean, if I would have kept it for one more day, I would have made $55,000.

Why didn't you just keep it? I told you to keep it. You texted the four of us and I said, why don't you just keep it for fucking 20 years? Because— Just keep it.

You're right, you're right, you're right. But I wanted to—

Then forget about it. Don't even look at it.

I wanted to just make a quick buck and I'm like, it's gonna drop down again, so I'm gonna buy it lower. And then I'll make even more money. But I fucked myself.

I fucked myself. Did you learn your lesson?

No, there are no lessons to learn.

Yeah, there are your lessons. Just buy some stocks and don't think about it and just put them away as investments.

And, and it's funny because, because when I bought the stock, I told Jason that I'm never purchasing anything for a million dollars again, and I completely lied to myself because when that Tesla stock drops again, I'm doing it all over again. I feel like I've learned nothing. It's— I think I'm addicted. I think it's the same as gambling for me.

Yeah, I think you are too. I remember the one first time we went to Vegas together, you, you you like dropped into a hole. You were just crazy, and you, you couldn't get any more money out, and you were borrowing money from all of us. You were marching me to the bank machine, and then you lied about, um, your Daca card, and they caught you. Yeah, right. Didn't, didn't you like have some chips, and they— and you were trying to have someone else cash them in?

Yeah, I, I, I—

and they caught— I don't know how they caught you.

I made a bunch of money. I didn't make a bunch of money in Vegas, but I, but I won some money in Vegas, a couple thousand dollars. And I couldn't cash it in because the card— I think I explained the story on the podcast— the card I had wasn't my driver's license, it was my DACA card, which is like an immigration card. And it was— it's a legal representation of what— it's a legal ID, legal form of ID, and they just wouldn't take it. So now I still have all these chips. I have $13,000 of chips just sitting in a place I stored them away because I, I can't cash them in. If you bring your— and I couldn't have my friends cash them in either because Vegas is a fucking weird place. Bottom line, bottom line is, uh, $13,000 in chips. Yeah, if you bring your license next time, yes, I can, I can cash them in. Yeah, but I have to get a license. Um, bottom line is I invested a bunch of money into Tesla and I only made $7,000.

So the day, the day you—

it wasn't worth the risk.

The day you lost the money in Tesla, is that the day you tried to run me over with your Tesla? No, that's the same fucking day.

Yeah, that was the day.

It was the day. So we're taking something out of it.

Don't bring this shit up again. What? I told you, dog.

Told me what?

If I'm gonna run you over, I'm gonna run you over.

Oh, so there's a chance you are gonna run me over? You're acting like— So I should—

I— Jason was walking on the street, which is a good—

After I went to the chiropractor.

Jason went to the chiropractor.

Oh, you tell your side of the story and then I'm gonna need a good 25 minutes.

Fuck you. Jason was walking down the street And I see him, so I'm pulling out of like the driveway with my car and I just floor it like to scare him a little bit, right? And I don't even come close and the dude flips shit. Like fucking, like, like I don't know what happened in his leg, but it's like a bone broke from him running too quickly. Like he had like one, he had like one little extra step to his like, he like jolted. I don't know what the right word is.

I pulled my calf muscle.

He pulled his calf muscle. Yeah. And he screamed. Like in our neighborhood.

He goes, ah!

And Todd comes out of the house and he's like, dude, what happened? Did you hit him? And I'm like, no. And he's like, oh, then what the fuck is going on? And I'm like, I don't know. And then the rest of the day Jason couldn't walk because the sudden movement in his foot like, like strained his hamstring or something. I don't know what it did.

Are you done?

Yeah, I'm done. I'm gonna tell my side now. Yeah, go for it. Make me look like a jerk. Okay, even though I was just messing around with my best friend. Okay, I'm just a young kid, dude.

Okay, I know, I know you're just a kid. And all right, go, go tell your story. There's no consequences for you.

Tell your story.

I went to the chiropractor that day. Okay. And I came back. Yeah. And I was telling everybody, because none of you fucking care when I talk about anything about kids or health. You guys just glaze over. You're just like doing— you're doing it now. Holy shit, he just took— David just took a deep sigh.

He was Yawned.

Here we go, he's talking about his health problems.

Dude, I completely glazed over. I was looking at the Under Armour logo on your shirt and I was thinking, that's so weird.

You're like, that's a dope logo.

All right, go tell me the super—

I went to the chiropractor and I came in and I said, just went to the chiropractor and he fixed my leg, which I've been telling you about my leg and back for months. You never hear me. You never ever— it never seeps through your brain, dude, that I'm in pain. And this guy fixed me. On that day, I felt great. But the one problem with going to a chiropractor is you can't fucking start doing sprints right after. And what do you do? Speed your $150,000 car at me. I didn't know who was driving their car at me. I thought there was just some guy screaming down the street.

But you do realize that—

No, we're in this weird thing.

And you made such a big deal out of it.

Because I was in pain for 5 days!

You embarrassed me in front of Josh Peck, who you know I love. I did?

Yeah. Did I tell the story in front of Josh Peck?

You did.

What did Josh say? Did Josh get on you?

No, yeah, Josh got on me a little bit.

What did he say?

Because you twisted the story and made it seem like I was the bad guy.

I love that the only person you cared about their opinions is people that are more famous than you.

Josh Peck, I grew up on him. You watch your fucking mouth.

I don't have to watch my mouth. And I'm sure Josh Peck was all over you, 'cause he's a fucking decent human being, unlike you, who gets their jollies out of fucking terrorizing an old man.

One day you're gonna wake up and I'm gonna be dead or something like that.

Yeah.

And you're gonna be bummed fucking out. You're gonna be like, I miss— I miss the Tesla screeching behind me. I miss the prank.

Sure, sure.

That's the joke.

Sure.

And you're gonna be like, wow, fuck me for being such a dick to him. He was so young and so innocent, but I was such a jerk. And I just wish I can go back and apologize and take back all the mean things I said about his mother. And, and if I could—

if I could just—

I've never said anything And I think I should admit to him that I really did love him and that my parents were actually dead and all the jokes were real. You know, if you can just go back—

I'm sorry, David.

It's okay.

It's fine. I'm sorry.

It's whatever.

You're right. I would miss you if you were dead. Yeah. Of course I would.

You know, do you think I'd miss you if you were dead? No. I would.

Well, thank you.

I wouldn't let you die.

I mean, we're in this weird thing.

I bought Jason a coffin, by the way. A casket.

He bought me a coffin today. He gets me out in the kitchen, he gives a really, really sweet speech, which was like, I almost was brought to tears. I couldn't believe it was coming out of your mouth. And it was like, and it was in front of everyone. And it was like, Jason's a good guy.

Jason makes everybody smile, makes everybody laugh.

It was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen.

And the best part about that speech is I have an assistant now. And I texted her and I'm like, can you just write me up a speech? And just make it like the most mushy-gushy bullshit speech ever. And she's like, got it. She sent it back to me in like 10 minutes. And I read it to you.

And then he asked me if I liked it, and I said yeah. And he goes, yeah, Natalie wrote it. Um, but, but anyways, yeah, so he bought me a coffin. No, but we're in this awful thing where I think the one thing I don't like about our relationship is I'm too sexy.

Is that it?

No, I'm okay with that. I like that. Oh, okay, yeah. That's the good part. No, it's like you create things, you do things that will maybe create good videos. So like if I did have to go to the hospital, because it's all okay because we're making videos. It's all okay. So like you can like, like I had a hot fucking thing of coffee the other day and you threw a paper towel at me. And it's all okay because we make fucking content. Yeah, yeah, it's bullshit.

My house got broken into and it was okay.

Yeah, I let the guy— everything's okay. Yeah, everything's okay. Fucking start the car, start the car before I get in and start driving the car before I get in. That's okay.

My favorite part is when I almost ran him over. He yelled at me, obviously, and then what did I say? I don't remember. And then, and then he was like, he's like, let me see it. And I'm like, oh, I didn't record it. And then, and then he yelled at me even more.

Yeah, he didn't even record it. That's what I told Liza today because it was a bro move. Liza was like, okay, with the story with what you did. And then Brandon was like, and he didn't even record it. And Liza was like, oh God, no.

Okay, well, I just want to say, all right, whatever.

All right, bye guys.

Wait, what?