David's Sex Story

Buying tickets can be complicated and confusing. Oh shit, how is he starting this podcast off? Nobody knows. But there is a better way to buy, with SeatGeek, guys. SeatGeek is the smartest, easiest way to get tickets to every type of live event. Whether you're searching for a last-minute deal, planning a night out with friends, or need to find the perfect gift, SeatGeek helps you find the best seats at the best prices, fully guaranteed. There's nothing quite like being there in person, and SeatGeek will get you closer to the action for a great value. I don't even know why they gave me a fucking script for SeatGeek, 'cause let me just be clear with the audience here, SeatGeek is the bomb.com. I mean, like, I am full on, like, You know, like, we read ads for things and we love all of them, but SeatGeek, I mean, come on, they've personally changed our lives.

They've had your back. Yeah, they've had my back too.

It's the best, it's the best fucking app. It's, it's, if you need to buy tickets, period, I use it Sunday night. Just go buy tickets on SeatGeek.

I took Wyatt to see—

I'm not even, I'm not even gonna read all this other bullcrap like SeatGeek saves you time and money. No, duh. But seriously, best of all, our listeners get $20 off their first SeatGeek purchase. Just download the SeatGeek app and enter promo code VIEWS today. That's promo code VIEWS. Use for $20 off your SeatGeek purchase. Notice how I didn't even say hello during this podcast. I just went right into it and I told you about SeatGeek because I don't even— there's no, there's no time for greetings. I have SeatGeek app on my phone and it's the easiest way I found to shop for tickets. I can be anywhere and with just a few taps I can instantly find seats. I actually just use SeatGeek to buy tickets. So I did.

I went to Imagine Dragons Sunday night.

That's amazing.

It was amazing.

It didn't, it didn't say in the script to share your life story.

Oh, I, I, well, I like to put a little personalization into my ad reads. I don't know how you do things. I also shut my phone off before I record a major podcast.

I don't think anybody, I don't think anybody heard that. I don't think anybody heard the ringtone.

Well, I did. It threw me off my game.

You know what threw me off? When you came into my house just now and you're like, I'm tired, I'm tired.

I, I said I'm tired once. I didn't say it twice.

You said it once. Now what are you trying to—

That's your crazy head.

Are you trying to—

That's your head when someone says I'm tired and then you spin it and you make it—

are you trying to— are you trying to put me down before the show? Are you trying to bring the energy levels down? Do you want a bad show? Are you sabotaging this? Do you not give a fuck about me? Say it right now. Go ahead, tell me. Tell everybody else.

Do I not give a fuck about you? Yeah, you fucking egomaniac. All I do is think about you and your well-being.

Prove it.

How fucking dare you say that to me?

How dare you say you're tired to me? Huh? How dare you say you're tired?

How dare you not have the sympathy for me? I have fucking children that I had to take care of.

That's why you can't be tired.

And you need a selfish little prick, little 21-year-old prick, all he cares about himself.

Selfish?

Yeah.

I'm not the one coming to work with my hand in my ass. Wake up, bro, and do the podcast.

I am fucking here. Who arranged the ads? Who got that SeatGeek ad up for you? You wouldn't be able to find them. You don't know how to work your email, dummy. Your high school teacher told me you'd be nothing.

And you know what?

You'll lose your money soon, and he'll be right.

Listen, prick, who established our relationship with SeatGeek? I did. Oh, by the way, hello, Ian from SeatGeek. Oh. Yeah, yeah, hi. Really? Ian's my friend.

Okay, well, let me tell you something. This fucking podcast would be shit without me.

Really?

You want to bring in Jonah or Zane or fucking go right ahead.

It would be shit without you.

Go right ahead.

That's it. What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, brought to you by Spotify. Yeah, that was— that's fucking real. That wasn't a joke, by the way. I don't know what's happening today, but honestly, I'm moving out of this house and buying a bigger one. This is amazing. But just—

there's weeks we have no ads. There's weeks we have no ads.

So that's why Today we have to like quadruple up.

There's 5 today. But good news is you did 2 already.

Yeah. So 2 of them are out of the way.

Sorry, guys.

And we're halfway there.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's fine.

Let's roll the intro music.

You need 5 ads because David gets 70% of the podcast for me to make any decent amount of money.

Yeah.

Which is very nice of you, David. Thank you for taking the 5 ads this week.

Jason only gets 30% of it. So the more ads we read, the, you know, the more money he's making.

The more respectable amount of money I make.

Yes.

Yes.

Comparative.

Comparatively.

To me. Um, okay, let's roll the intro music. Okay, cool. What's up guys? Welcome back to Views. It's a podcast. Um, I started this with, uh, my— one of my—

just did 5 minutes of ad reads before the show, by the way. I know, I feel so bad for our listeners. They love it. They love it.

And if they don't love it, they're— I think they're too scared to tell us in person.

It's not the last podcast.

Shut up! Shut up! You don't get to decide. Um, no, but, um, yeah, we did, we did, we did a bunch of ad reads there. That was a little bit too much.

Yeah, it's okay, they're both great brands.

And let's not talk about the ad reads, but don't worry, there's 3 more coming up. We have plenty of time to talk about those. Here, here's, here's the next thing. Um, I was— I went to, I went to my hometown to visit. Yeah, my friend got into a fight. Oh my God, bro, how cool is that? My friend got into a fight.

I don't know how to answer.

If you watch my videos.

As a grown man or as a YouTuber?

He got straight up punched in the eye and he was bleeding. Like straight up bleeding. These kids, well we live in like the whitest, lamest suburb. It's like out of a movie, it's so lame. Nothing ever happens. And we were right next to the fair and my friend was driving ahead of us in his car. And these kids screamed at him some racial slurs because he's Asian. So they started making racist sounds. As they were driving by? No, they were parked. We were driving by their parked car. And my friend Ilya, who's driving the car, stops the car and he gets out and he goes, what the fuck did you say? And I was sitting in the other car and I heard him saying that. I'm like, oh, he's joking. He found someone. He found his friend. So they're going to hang out. And like 2 minutes pass by, it doesn't seem like they're joking, I'm still sitting in my own car, and then I see him get punched right in the face, and I come out, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And my friend Eric is like, yo David, turn your fucking camera on, turn your camera on, instead of, you know, come help us out. 'Cause you know, I needed to record evidence, and I needed to vlog for Monday. So my camera's on, my camera's on, and then Ilya's yelling at the guy that punched him, because the guy that punched him sucker punched him. Which means he punched him when he wasn't even looking at Ilya.

I know what a sucker punch is.

Okay, it's for the viewers, listeners, whatever this shit is. And so Ilya's talking to one of the guys that sucker punched him that he wasn't even originally having an argument with, and as he's doing that, another guy comes up to him.

Different guy.

A different guy comes up and whacks him right in the eye. Wasn't even talking to the guy. Wow. Yeah, bloody eye, completely bloody.

And then what happened?

Well, then we went to the bar.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why two guys punched him. And then where did the two guys do? Did they take off?

Yeah, they went in their car.

They just kind of calmly walked away.

Yeah, I mean.

I mean, to be about to throw down.

Dave, you know what? Everyone had to hold me back because I was really. Yeah, yeah, you should. I didn't put this in the vlog, but I looked. I was ready to pounce. I'm sure you were. It's 100% true. I'm not making any of this up. It's. It was.

You're tough. I mean, like, when you walk in the room, you're a tough guy. I know how it is. Yeah. You've got six, three. Yeah. You've got these big shoulders. I'm sick. 6'7". That's right, you grew 4 inches over the summer.

I've had— I was in varsity football. Yeah, all my life, even when I was in the 6th grade. You wrestled?

Yeah.

Crocodile? No, I mean, when he was about to get in the fight, um, I knew that I'm like, fuck, if he gets in a fight, like, I may have to step in here.

Who else are you with in the crew?

Could they fight? Um, we were two guys that could fight, but we were outnumbered, which was like kind of fucked. And I was like, I was like, Dilly, I'm like, why are you getting in a fucking fight with people? Like, we're not 7 years old. Like, these kids were— these kids were like— I've never seen kids like this. Like, I thought— I thought they were fucking with us.

Were they high school kids?

I don't know, but they came up to him and they were like— they were like 6 white kids and they were like, don't fuck with me, don't be walking on the 75th Street, I'll fucking kick your ass, this is my side of motherfucking town. Like, talking like that. And I'm like, are you— Vernon Hills?

Yeah.

I'm like, are you fucking serious?

Things have changed since old Dave left town.

Yeah, I thought they were fucking with us. I'm like, this isn't real. And then I saw real blood and I'm like, oh shit, this is real. No, I didn't know that existed. And I was like, Ilya, why are you getting in a fight with these kids? These kids don't even have a fucking job. Like, this is, this is pathetic. Like, I can't believe we're stooping down to these kids' levels. And Ilya was like, fuck that, I'm getting in a fight. And he got punched. And he was in, he's in such good spirits, right, when he gets punched. And every time, every time something bad happens to Ilya, Ilya's in the best mood. So it was, it was a lot of fun. And then we went to the bar right after. And fucking, Ilya, like every girl was over Ilya, man.

It's like, because he had a black guy.

Yeah, I was like, goddamn, Shaq's women. Yeah, yeah, it was like, are you okay? What's going on? Like, and they were like, there was like 2 girls like helping him get out of the bar. They're like on his arms like helping him walk out. I'm like, are you fucking serious?

And he had dreadlocks, homemade dreadlocks. He had braids.

Braids, sorry. He had braids. He couldn't get, he couldn't get dreadlocks even though he asked for him. And I said, that's, that's not a smart thing. You should not get dreadlocks. Um, but yeah, and then we had the braids taken out. Yeah, it was a fun— it was a fun time. That was fun.

Yeah, I was trying to think because I was gonna— if I was there, what I would have done. I would have just been like, I should not be here.

Have your friends ever gotten into a fight where you were like, I need to jump in?

Oh yeah, I've been in all kinds of fights. Really? Yeah, I've been in like massive 10-on-10 fights. Actually?

Yeah. Wait, explain.

Just people fought a lot in my town.

And you've always— well, you always would jump in?

Yeah, you'd had to. You have to. Yeah.

Whoa, that's so cool. You just get hit.

Really?

Yeah. Does it hurt?

It hurts a lot.

I've only got punched once and it was by a girl. And that—

I mean, oh yeah, that short girl that beat you up in Topanga Canyon.

She wasn't short.

She was the girl who was on bath salts.

No, she was tall.

She was— to be fair, she was on bath salts.

And to be fair, she was 4 foot tall. She was a little out of her body. She was very small.

Um, Yeah, I got into a fight once. We had an arranged fight. We would have arranged fights.

Oh, like you, you would set up a time?

Yeah, it would be like all of a sudden be like, oh, you should fight Adam, Adam Belmont. And then I would like fight, and then all of a sudden like a week would like lead up to this fight on like Friday at like 3 o'clock.

Really?

It was so stressful.

And what did you do in the fight?

We got out there, you were probably just spitting on people.

You seem like the spitter type of guy. You just spit on people from far away.

And why do I seem like that kind of guy?

You're just gross.

Well, meaning, meaning like I just do anything I can to win the fight? A dirty fighter?

No, I just— I'm just gross. Yeah.

Um, no. And then we got off the bus and we fought and we—

Hold on, side note, we were in the car yesterday and Jason starts smelling his armpit, and before he can even like take his first sniff, I'm like, yeah, it's you.

I can't shower, I don't have time.

Yeah, I was gonna say, this is my next favorite part. Tell me. Jason goes— he always goes, I don't have time I've never heard a human say that. And my second favorite part is when he does shower, he doesn't use a towel. So he throws on a shirt and the shirt is soaked. And he'll go 3 minutes and he'll realize the shirt is soaked and he'll have to go change into a new shirt. And it's the stupidest thing. It's like watching a toddler change because it's like—

I have a hairy chest. I'm a man.

So use a towel, bro.

I do dry it, but it doesn't dry.

What does that mean?

Because I'm in a rush. Because my whole life revolves around you and you wanting to shoot. Really? You call me— are you— listen, I love our relationship. I'm very grateful to work with you. I think it's awesome. But you are up my ass fucking every single minute. I literally do not have time to shower.

Don't put me on the spot like that. My parents listen to this.

Not in that way, up your ass.

Oh yeah, for sure.

I didn't mean it like that.

No, he just meant it like in a figurative way. How did you mean it? No, I didn't mean it any kind of way. I don't fucking know. Hey, look at this, a fucking ad. Are you— are you suffering from stagnant workflow? Lemon flavor depletion? Cross-platform synergy? Having a career? You might be entitled to advice from Brandon, Vitaminwater's brand ambassador and professionally busy man. Call 833-477-8339 to see if he can squeeze you in today, because as Brandon says, there is nothing more professional than Brandon. Brandon is an unpaid spokesperson for Vitaminwater and should not be trusted with business advice or any advice for that matter. That was awesome. That was Vitaminwater. Every time after tennis, Yeah. Um, when I would play tennis in high school, I would always have one Vitaminwater. What flavor? Um, it was the XX one. XXX. Like, it was like a— yeah, it's like, you know, you know what I mean?

I like the, like, the lemonade.

It's like, it's like, have you ever had sex? No. It's— well, drink a Vitaminwater. It's the same fucking thing. Oh yeah, it's the same, same exact thing.

We liked, uh, David's slogan. We'd like to pay him $60,000— $60 million for that.

Vitaminwater, it's like sex.

Better than sex.

No, but yeah, it was my birthday the other day.

I know, it's been a big birthday week. You had a lot of birthday stories.

I feel like it's been my birthday like 5 days in a row. What the hell's been going on?

Well, you started celebrating it on Friday when you went to Chicago.

Yes, oh, you're right, yeah.

So it hasn't really until Monday.

It has been my birthday for a while.

And it was great. You had, you know, you had a nice birthday, right? You had a lot. That's good. Yeah, a 5-day birthday. I strongly believe in it.

I went out to, I went out to birthday dinner. Yes, with Liza, which is great. We went to, uh, oh, how is that? We went to Mastro's. We went to a steakhouse. I got steak.

It was great.

Okay, guess who paid? Not me.

Liza.

Liza paid for you? It's amazing. She took me out. It was her treat.

I offered to take you out. Yeah, but not as cute as Liza, I guess.

But you know, you don't actually mean it. Every time, bro, every time we go out recently, your credit card always gets declined. I don't know, this isn't even a joke, but I don't know why it always— why does it get declined?

Talking about when was my credit card declined?

Dude, literally like 4 days ago at the fair it got declined. I don't know how— your card gets declined a lot. Yes, your card got declined at Olive Garden the other day too.

Oh, I'm moving a lot of money in and out of my account. Moving a lot of money out of your account.

No, anyway, we went to a steakhouse, and then we decided, we're like, hey, let's go to a bar.

Right.

Let's be crazy. I've never gone to a bar to drink. Like, that's not my thing. But that's what we were doing. It was just us two. We're going to get some drinks. So I'm excited. This is my first time. The goal was to get a little tipsy, and I haven't gotten tipsy in maybe a couple of years. I will be honest. I feel like I'm 50. So we get into this bar. I'm super jazzed about it. It's like midnight. There's no one at the bar because it's Monday night. And I ask the bartender— Tuesday night, I don't know what night it was. And I ask the bartender, what's— What can we get here? What's good here? What's good to drink? Right? And Liza's like, yeah, what's popular? And he goes, why are you guys worried about that? Why are you worried about— he was like 35. He's like, why are you worried about what's popular?

Was it in the hip part of town?

I don't know. I don't know where it was, but he was being— he was being so fucking weird right off the bat. He was like, well, why are you worried about what's popular? Worry about what you like. What do you enjoy? What kind of taste do you like? And I'm like, dude, come on. Like, don't make this rough on me. It really bummed me out when I heard that. And then I'm like, okay, fuck it.

Yeah, because he's like basically saying like, you don't know who you are.

He's being a douche. He's being a dick. He's being like a smartass to me.

He's talking down to you.

Exactly. He's talking down to us. And it sucks. And then I'm like, okay, fuck it. I'll just make a joke and maybe it'll work. And I'm like, can you— I have a really low alcohol tolerance. So can you just give me something fruity, something that'll fuck up a 7-year-old? That's what I say. And then he goes, what? Excuse me? Oh, I don't, I don't, I don't like that joke at all. That's, that's not funny. That's not funny one bit. I'm not going to get behind that joke at all. And then, and then I'm like fucking mind blown. Liza and I stare at each other in complete silence because it's so awkward. I've never— this is 100% real, everything he said. So the last line he goes, he goes, He goes, yeah, I can't get behind that joke at all. And then as a joke— this is going to come off douchey when I say it on the podcast— but I said in a joking way, I was like, you don't really have to get behind it. Just make the drink. That's what I said.

Now hang on a second. There is no way to say that line without sounding douchey.

I know.

Even as a joke.

As it was coming out of my mouth, I'm like, fuck.

I've done that. I've definitely done that. But that's—

He's not going to like that.

Just make the drink.

It's bad. I'm like, just make the drink. And he goes— Wow, you're a real nice guy. Real nice guy here today. Yeah, I really like you a lot. Oh boy. That's what he said. And I'm just like, fuck, why don't you just walk out? Because we were in the process— he was making our drinks as he was talking to us about this. And Liza— Liza was looking at me, she's cracking up because she knows, like, because we already had a—

we had— okay, so right there we had a shot of tequila prior to this.

Yeah. So, and I'm such a lightweight where I'm already buzzed and, and like, it's ruining my buzz. And I'm like, I'm I'm frozen in my fucking spot, and Liza's like— Liza's cracking up, and she's like, do you just want to get out of here? I'm like, no, I have to sit this through. I have to sit this through, right? And then we sat, and then we— and then we got our drinks, and we sat down.

Why didn't you stop him and just be like, hey, listen, I'm sorry, I know I got off on the wrong foot. I should have, but it was in the moment, and I was drunk, and I had— I had a whole shot of tequila.

Yeah, I had an entire full shot of tequila. No, it was in the moment. I couldn't go back. And we sat down, and I shit you not, for the entire 15 minutes of me sitting there. I was just complaining about this guy. I'm like, what the fuck? What is this fucking problem? Like a little drunk guy at a bar. I'm like, and then I caught myself and I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm bitching about this guy at this bar. No, but that's the end of the story. Liza and I had such a fucking kick. It was so much fun because it was the worst bar experience of my life.

How many drinks did you end up having?

Dave? I had a Corona, a full Corona, um, and then I had the shot, and then I had the shot earlier, and then I had half of my fruity drink and Liza the other half. Okay, so I walked out of there and I was stumbling. Genuinely, the world—

I think you can drive on 2 drinks. No, no, no, no, I think you're able to. I can't, but I mean like most people.

Yeah, I can't drive on half a beer. Really? Yeah, no, it's brutal.

I'm kind of a lightweight too, so it was, it was insane.

But yeah, that was my first drinking experience. Overall, I had a good time. I'm not complaining.

No.

And I had a great birthday.

And what's it like with you and Liza these days? Great, dude. Let me get in there. Let me get in this. Come on, tell me.

Give me a little— look, guys, like, for you, for you, for those of you guys that don't know Liza, she's my ex-girlfriend, um, and now we're friends. And it's so, it's so awesome. We're like friends. It works. You know how people are like, don't fucking do it, it doesn't work. I'm like, wait, it's working. Now, I don't say if she gets a new boyfriend, I'm gonna be like, what's up, dude? You know, I'm not gonna be like Man, we should grab lunch sometime. I'm gonna be fucking devastated, sure, right? But like, so far so good. This sounds like I'm like covering up like my real feelings.

It's great, Jason. Guys, there's tears streaming down his face right now.

Jason, it's A-okay over here, motherfucker.

Well, I've gone through that with my ex-wife now where, uh, you know, I did— I was upset about her boyfriend, and then last week I said I want you to do this too with me next summer. I'm gonna get a house on Cape Cod next summer. I want you to come. Sure. And I'm inviting you. Thank you. And my ex-wife and her boyfriend.

Okay, but—

And Trisha, obviously.

Do you know why you're cool with your wife's ex-boyfriend? Why? Because you found someone yourself. I don't think you'd be that cool if you were lonely old Jason like you were a couple months ago. It's just 'cause you have Trisha now and you don't give a— Oh my God, there is a fucking cat right outside my window. It is staring at me.

Holy shit. We gotta start videotaping these podcasts.

How the fuck? It's a fucking cat. Okay, it's off. It ran away. It stared at me. It's a cute little cat. I know, but I live in like a place where a cat shouldn't be.

Oh, 'cause of the coyotes?

Sure, I guess. Yeah, I didn't even think of that. Holy fuck. We should go save that cat. That's it for today's podcast. This will be continued on the vlog. We have an expedition ahead of us.

I guess, I guess you're right. I'm trying to think what's— I didn't have anyone.

So you won't be inviting Liza and her ex and her new boyfriend anywhere, uh, unless I found someone too and I was like, uh, she doesn't have a new boyfriend.

No, I know.

Let's make that clear.

Oh yeah, mate.

Shut up, Jason.

Don't you ever say that again. I'm done.

Oh, fuck. Natalie, don't miss this podcast. Yeah, that's fucked up. Um, no, but you wouldn't.

Uh, I wouldn't.

What? You wouldn't? Actually, I don't know what I'm saying. Honestly, I was staring at my phone. Um, I was, I was at my hometown. I was in my hometown, like I said before, with my friend Alex. And he, and he goes, um, he's like, yeah, when you put me in that vlog, um, with the car where you bought me a car, like, my DMs like just started flooding with girls. Like, it was ridiculous. And he's like, one girl offered to fly me out to Florida to have sex with me. Really? And I'm like, dude, that sounds like a bad idea. Like, are you contemplating it? And he's like, no, that's not even a question. I'm fucking doing it. I'm not contemplating it. He's like, I have my flight booked. Did he go? I think he's gonna go. Really?

Yeah. How's the girl?

The girl?

Yeah, she—

I honestly didn't see a picture of her. You didn't? I was just like, it doesn't matter. I don't care if it's, you know, a gorgeous girl. It's just a bad idea. It's always about— like, someone flies you out and you're in Florida. Yeah, to Florida.

And then what happens?

She feeds you to the gators, of course. What else do people do?

Oh, I didn't even think of that. Exactly.

You didn't think— see, I didn't think of the cat getting eaten by the coyote, and you didn't think of him getting eaten by the crocodile. It's everything, man. Did we ever talk about my audition for Wild 'N Out? No. It's so stupid. I auditioned for Wild 'N Out, which is like a— what is that?

What's an MTV show?

It's an improv show. It's an improv show. And it's like, and the people are on it are pretty fucking like quick with their responses. I'm sure a lot of it's scripted. Right. But like, it's basically they're dissing each other. That's the show's about. And I auditioned for it and basically like the audition was fucking crazy. I can't believe I never talked about it, but it was like, it wasn't like reading scripts. There was no script. I came in, I stood in front of two people, they turned the camera on and they're like, okay, right now we want you to freestyle about orange or we want you to freestyle about maple leaves. And then I had to freestyle about it for like a minute. And then like, okay, cool, like now rap. Yeah, rap. And then they were like, okay, now some— Nick Cannon just walked in the room and he made fun of your hair. What are you gonna say back to him? That's what they made me do. They made me do shit like that on the spot. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, that's so insane.

It's a specific kind of improv.

Yeah, it's like, I'm like, I'm like, who the fuck can do this? And I mean, there's people that can because they're on the show.

Did you get it?

No, no, I didn't get a callback or anything. They may have called me to make sure I never come anywhere near the Wild 'N Out cats.

Keep you away from a theater.

Yeah, the rest of your life. Regardless, um, yeah, that was a really interesting time. But look, look, look what we have here. Chances are you've heard of Honey, the free browser add-on that finds and applies the best promo codes every time you shop. It may sound too be good to be true. It may sound too good to be true.

You fix it, Dave.

I fixed it. So let's go over the facts. First, you're probably wondering, how much money can Honey really save me? Turns out Honey has already saved over people over $800 million. You may also be thinking Honey doesn't work on the sites that I shop at. The truth is Honey works on over 30,000 sites, even Amazon. So the big question is, how is Honey free? What's the catch? There's no catch, guys. Honey gets a small commission from sites where Honey saves you money. It's always free. In fact, 10 million members trust Honey to save them money every day. It's amazing. Literally, Honey is just an easy add-on. You go on a website and it just automatically applies a coupon code. It's super simple. It's genuinely, it's free. It's, it's super, super free. And you save, you can save a small percentage. You can save a big percentage. It's, it's the bomb.com. I will, I will just say that there's no reason to not use Honey. It's always free and just takes 2 clicks to install. Add Honey to your browser for free right now at joinhoney.com/views.

Hey, that sounds like a sweet deal, Dave.

That way to add to that one. That's joinhoney.com/views.

.com/view. What did you say to me in the car the other day? You said, you said, you said someone will tell me a joke. What was the real little fucking critique you had of me the other day?

Yeah, this is the fucking worst about Jason. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah, we were— when Jason does this thing where like when you're talking to people, there's usually like, uh, there's like this good rhythm that like there's a good rhythm that develops.

If you guys are saying I don't have a rhythm, let me finish, okay?

You're the one that Um, there's, uh, when you talk to people, sometimes there's like a rhythm that develops of like jokes. Like you get into like the sweet spot where like you go joke, joke, joke, joke, like joke back and forth. You guys just hit this funny spot and like, and like we'll be at like, we'll be at, well, this is what happened the other day. We were with Howie Mandel and I said a joke. Howie laughed. Howie said a joke. Uh, I laughed and then I said a joke. Um, and he laughed and it was like really good. It was like, ooh, we were, 'cause we were adding onto the joke. We were adding onto the same joke.

I don't have to hang out with you and Howie anymore. Okay. Next time you go hang out with Howie, —You go by yourself.

You're the one that asked.

Looks like this is about me messing up your Howie vibe.

No, no, no.

I get it.

It happens with everyone, but it happened with Howie last. And then Howie makes a joke, and then Howie makes a joke, and Jason didn't quite understand it. And instead of what I think you should do, I think you should just laugh and move on, Jason goes, Jason goes, Wait, what? He does that. He does that, and it's really awkward because everyone else in the room is laughing because there's this protocol where you're like, when you're telling jokes with another person, you just fucking laugh. You don't say what. And Jason will do this when we're with Jonah's family. They're a bunch of foreign people. So sometimes their jokes don't really work because they're foreign. So it doesn't make sense. And Jason will laugh, and he'll be like, Wait, wait, what are you saying? And it'll stop, like the entire room will have to stop.

So I'm supposed to sit there and go, hahaha, okay, anyways. I'm supposed to fake laugh? Exactly.

What?

Yeah. No, you're not.

I do it to you all the time.

Oh, great, I don't want you to fake laugh. Really? Yeah, it's disingenuous.

Then I'm never gonna laugh at you again. Okay, that's fine. No, it's just, it's just, I love, I think you think you know how fucking How the world works, how you're supposed to behave in conversation.

Been on earth seven weeks.

It's just a little small thing. And I caught you the other day. When did I do it? We were at Jonah's house, and his sister said a joke, and I knew it didn't make sense, but I laughed at it. And I looked at Jason and I go, jason, just laugh. And. And you cut. Remember? Remember when I said this? Yeah. You were like, okay, okay. And you just laughed because you were about to question it because you didn't understand it.

Guys, when you meet us this weekend in Atlanta and you say something funny to David, just know he's not listening to you. He's just fake laughing at what you're saying. He's actually not making a real connection. He's an android. That was fake too.

Just a fake laugh. I don't give a fuck about what he just said. Fuck you. OK, fair enough, whatever. I don't know if that made sense, what I was saying.

No, it makes sense. I'm always open to your critiques. Sure. Because you definitely look at life way differently than I do.

Way better.

I think I said differently.

But I think you meant better. Well, um, uh, I asked, I asked this question to somebody the other day. I think it's really thought-provoking.

Um, what do you think of my vlogs?

How funny do you think I am? Yeah, how good-looking am I? Rank my—

rank our friends right now. Funniest, go.

Now what?

Do it, do it.

I don't like talking about our friends. I don't like that.

You know why? Rank the two of us.

No, someone pulled up next to me the other day on the street. He's like, hey man, I love your podcast. And I'm like, dope. 'Where'd you find it?' And he's like, 'On the comedy podcast.' I'm like, 'What about YouTube?' He's like, 'Oh no, I don't watch— I don't watch YouTube.' I'm like, 'Get the fuck out of here.

You only listen to my podcast.' I know lots of people that just listen to the podcast.

I know we do YouTube. That's why I don't even bring up our friends anymore. Oh, without like introducing—

I was just trying to say something that was caustic. Go ahead.

What's caustic?

Never mind, just read the ads verbatim. More ads.

Never mind, you're a dumbass.

Do you know what verbatim means? Yeah. 'Cause we were supposed to.

What is it? It's the bone that runs down the back of your spine.

I'll put the word into a sentence for you.

I know what it is. Read beta. It's like word for word. Okay, good, good. Goddamn it.

Okay. What's caustic mean? Caustic?

Yeah. It's a store. It's a store.

It's like a whole— It's Costco.

Oh, it's Costco. Fuck. It's a wholesale store. That's not it. Okay, this is my thought-provoking thing. What's your favorite memory?

That you have?

My favorite memory? What's one of your favorite memories?

Um, just watching my kids play music the first time I saw them up on stage. Really? What's yours? You're such an asshole. You have no concept. You're just like ice cold. You're supposed to read this ad, you know, 10 minutes left.

I know, I'll read in 2 minutes, bro. Fucking chill your balls. I'm talking about your kids right now.

Okay, give me some ice. Go. My kid— my kids. I told you, that's my— that's my— probably my fondest memory. It's right off the top of my head. Yeah, my fondest memory.

Yeah, what about when your kids like came out, right out of the closet? No, the kids aren't gay. When they came out of like the—

that's not my fondest memory. I know I wanted to say that, but it's not. It was really traumatic.

Oh yeah, we talked about this.

It's not the best.

Yeah, you don't like it.

Well, it's just hard.

Did you watch it?

Did you watch? Yeah, you watched the actual birth?

And let me, let me just say videos of it online and I, yeah, I almost faint watching it for females.

Like, I obviously, I shouldn't be the one sitting here saying that it was hard for me because I know it's much harder for the woman Oh, yeah, we did talk about. The birth was so hard for me, David. Oh, my God. But, yeah, it was unsettling. It was just. It was just a lot of the unknown, like, the baby's coming out and it's a combination of, oh, my God, this is coming through my wife's vagina and I can't provide for this kid that's coming, and I don't know how to take care of a kid, and I don't have a job.

I can't take care of myself.

I can't take care of myself.

You just, like, push it back in. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not yet, not yet.

It's got to come now.

No, no, no, I don't have a job. I just lost my job. Give me 2 more weeks, I promise.

So yeah, that's not the happiest day for sure. Sure. But because my— you don't have attachments to infants. I don't.

I don't have an attachment to a baby.

And I don't either. It's not until later when they get personalities when you're like, oh my God, these kids are amazing.

Did you know that every single episode of Fuse is now on Spotify? Yeah, the same app that has millions of songs now also has thousands of podcasts. On Spotify, you can listen to all your favorite shows, um, and discover new ones. Just not too many, we get jealous very easily. To subscribe to our show, search for Views, tap follow, and get every new episode delivered to you. Boom!

Thank you, Spotify. Yeah, we're number 5 on Spotify right now.

We're number 5 on Spotify, and that was also number 5 for the ad reads.

What are you gonna say to the kids that come up to you this weekend and go, hey, 5 ads in the last—

Bose available at Walmart. Number 6.

Didn't see that one. No, I mean, yeah, you're right, it's a lot and I shouldn't be doing it, but I am because I'm crazy.

It's, it's fine. Well, we should do something nice for them. What do you mean? I like let you rap at the end of the podcast or something.

They do deserve something nice.

Okay, so go— why were you asking me this question? Because I just think— about my fondest memory.

I think it's interesting. Well, what's yours? I can't think of one. No, no.

What do you mean?

You don't have a fond memory? My favorite memory is— You must have one. Oh, you know what? I'll tell you this story. Get ready. Here's a Liza story for you. Okay. This isn't my favorite memory of me and Liza, but I think it was really funny. My best memories are going to Hawaii. I have the best time in Hawaii with Liza. Like, you did just every time we go. It's just like—

how many times you go to Hawaii?

We've gone twice. Okay, but like, you think that the second time wouldn't be as good as the first, but you're fucking wrong. It's, it's just that when you jumped out of the airplane, that was the first time. Yeah, it's great. Anyway, we went, we went to Hawaii after our breakup. We went to Hawaii together. Um, you did? Yeah, we did.

Oh yeah, yeah.

But we didn't know you were broken up. Yeah, no, you did. We—

that was—

we— I told you I told all of our friends, we were like, yeah guys, we broke up. That was— we announced it, right? And then we're like, oh, by the way, we're going to Hawaii together in a couple days, right? I remember that because we announced that we broke up to you guys, and then we went to Hawaii the next week.

Like, to be broken up with someone and then take a vacation with them?

Well, it's interesting. So we weren't— we weren't like—

we weren't, um, what are you thinking the entire time?

We weren't like hooking up or anything. We were just like friends. And, um, and it was— it was really funny. We went to the— we went to the beach. We found like this like private —this private—

You want us to believe that, but go ahead.

Yeah, we went to the beach and we went in the water. Yes, we did.

You were hooking up.

Oh, no, no.

Sure you were. Uh, no.

Horny young kids, oh, come on. Okay, anyway, listen.

Put it past Dad. We weren't, we weren't.

Put it past Dad. Trust me, we weren't.

I know what happened.

No, no, no, but, but we weren't. We really weren't. Okay. I, I mean, I mean, here and there we would, but it wasn't like— I wasn't—

So you were.

No, no, but listen, We, at the time, this is like when we first broke up, we still like would see each other, right? But we weren't like, um, it wasn't okay for me to kiss her, right? Right. Like, it wasn't like I can't just lean over and kiss her like that. That wasn't like the guidelines. Sure. It was like, it was like, it was like when it was super agreed upon, you know what I mean? She was my girlfriend. I don't know how to explain it. Sure. Like, okay.

Anyway, um, just oral. Go ahead.

Just, God damn it. So we were at the beach and, and Liza asked a woman if she can take a picture of us. And we're like, our knees are in the sand, our knees are like in the water, we're like, you know, taking a picture or whatever, and the woman goes, "Okay, cool. Now give each other a kiss." It was so funny. We were so funny because like, because we wanted to be like, "Oh, we're not dating," but then she would have been like, "Why the fuck are you in Hawaii? Why are you at a beach?" And I thought it was so funny. "Now give each other a kiss." So yeah, so we gave each other a kiss.

And that's your fondest memory?

No, it's just, it's like, it's like a funny favorite memory. No, my favorite memory is just going, going to Hawaii and just like every single thing we did in Hawaii, like going to the zoo, going to get tacos, everything that I did. Tommy Bahamas there was amazing, which is awesome.

I went to Maui, it was unbelievable.

Probably the best vacation I ever had. Hawaii is great and it's— we should go, me and you. Nah, fuck that. And it's, it's not that great, um, and it's a state. That's what blows my mind, is that it's a state, that we bought it, that the United States was like— I like it because it feels like another country, but it's the United States. Well, that's what I'm saying. I think it's fucking crazy. English— I think it's crazy that it's a state. Yeah, like, it's crazy that it's part of the US. That's awesome. It feels so amazing. Um, and what's your favorite memory as a child? As a child?

Yeah, you must have— I know my favorite memory as a child. What? Uh, probably I used to fall asleep while my mother watched TV. She used to watch this show called Dallas. Really? Yeah, and Dynasty.

And that's your favorite memory? Probably my favorite memory, yeah. Sleeping with your mom?

Yeah, falling asleep next to my mom when I was like really little.

Now you said sleeping with your mom. Did I? No, I actually always used to— I was always little spoon with my mom. Little spoon? Yeah, always.

In your bed, she would lie down with you when you went to sleep?

No, I'd go into my parents' bed and I like had to be big spooned. Like I had to be cuddled for a really long time.

I thought you were little spoon. I don't know what he's saying.

Little spoon is when you're on the inside and someone's on the outside. And you had to be big spoon. I had to be little spoon.

Oh, 'cause you said it differently. Okay.

Yeah, I was always like that. I was always like a cuddler, so I would always—

So you got in between your parents. Yeah, yeah, I was that guy.

What'd your dad think of that? I was that annoying bitch. I mean, hey man, he didn't have no say. I was a little kid, I had to have—

Did they have a big bed or a small bed?

Very small bed, we couldn't afford much. A queen? Honestly, probably smaller.

Maybe a full.

Maybe a couch.

Air mattress?

Air mattress. No, I mean, it was a small— but I don't know. I think one of the biggest memories I have as a kid is— not biggest, but one of the best memories I have as a kid is finding out about sex. I don't know why, but it was so interesting. I remember exactly where I was. I remember what my grandma was doing, what my mom was doing. I was on the bus.

That's where you found out?

People told you on the bus? Someone told me on the bus. I was like—

A Russian kid?

No, no, I was really young. I was like, fuck, I don't know, first grade? I don't know. And I was like, I wanna have kids one day. And this girl that was sitting in front of me, she never talks to me, she just turns around and she goes, you wanna have kids? You know you have to have sex for that. And I go, what? Shut up. And she goes, yeah, you have to have sex. And I like turn to my friend and I'm like, what is she talking about? What is she saying? And he goes, I don't know. I don't fucking know. What is she saying? I don't know. What is she saying? We have to have sex? That makes no sense. You just want a kid. Have a kid. And she's like, you have to have sex. Ask your parents. And I'm like, fuck you. Fuck you. You don't know anything. So I fucking sprinted home. My friend was getting off the bus with me, but I'm like, fuck you, friend. And I just ran ahead. I ran to my house, and I ran up the apartment. I didn't even take the elevator. Oh, we didn't have an elevator. That's why I didn't take it. I ran up the stairs. I ran up the stairs and I blasted the door open and my grandma's on the computer and my mom is leaning over the shoulder of my grandma and they both turn to me, both their heads turn to me and I go, "Do you have to have sex to have babies?" And they both just start fucking cracking up. And I'm like, "Oh my God, you have to have sex to have babies." And that's how I learned, just because they started laughing and I was like, "That's insane." And I remember this to this day, like I know what my grandma was wearing, like it was like It was like the best memory I have is when I found out you have to have sex to make babies.

Is this the part where I just laugh or tell you that you've told the story before on the podcast? Oh, shit.

I've told the story on the podcast before? I think so. Fuck. Shit. Goddamn, 5 ads and a repeat? Man, we really owe you guys something. It's a good story.

It is.

It's better the second time. Fuck it.

I'm going to—

I'm going to— I'm going to tell it next podcast too. I'm going to open— next podcast is going to start with that story. Maybe I'll be known for that story instead of people— instead of people going, do you listen to The Views podcast? They'll be like, do you listen to that podcast where that guy tells the same story about how he found out about sex? Shit. Damn.

In Atlanta this weekend, please request the story from David. Yeah. Fuck, David, when you come out this weekend, go, go, guys, do you want me to tell you the sex story about the girl on the bus? And the fucking crowd will go, yes, do it! Fuck. All right, well, you know what, guys, we give you content here. And yeah, we—

who cares? It's— yeah, go listen to the podcast. Go listen to podcast without ads. Go, go do that. Um, no, but thank you guys for listening. We really do appreciate it. That's it for today's podcast. That was a barn burner. We're on tour. Come hang out.

We have a good time. Houston, San Jose, Newark and Chicago, Atlanta, and Atlantic— Atlanta this weekend, Saturday night.

And I have new birthday merch that's only available for a couple more days. All the merch is 22% off. Go check it out, it'll be a good time.

It's got David's face on it as a boy.

It's got a bunch of pictures on it. It's a really fun shirt. We'll see you guys later. This has been a view— we'll see you guys later. This has been A View's Podcast, or as I like to call it, the Sex Story Podcast. And we'll see you guys later. Bye. My name's Jeff.