Coachella and Long Distance Relationships

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast. What?

You didn't just say back, you said best.

What's up guys, welcome to Views, the podcast where Jason has no idea I'm about to throw a knife at him.

Ow, son of a bitch! It's not a vlog, it's a podcast.

Oh shit, none of us were recording that. Well, it happened and Jason dodged the knife once again. He proves to be on top. Let's start the podcast. Boom, and we're back. This is David Dobrik. I'm the 21-year-old in the group. Jason is the older man, slowly turning grayer and older and—

fuck you—

uglier. Okay, what's up?

I'm looking good. Let's start fucking working out.

Let's start the podcast.

Let's show your biceps.

Fuck you. There's my bicep again. It's a podcast.

I must need my glasses because I don't see anything.

Really? You definitely need your glasses. You probably can't even read anything.

Oh, that's Wait a minute, I've got 20/20 vision. You have no muscles.

Oh, look, look at this, look at this. What? Look, I don't have any wrinkles.

Huh? Huh? Yeah, you do.

Fuck you. Um, let's squash the beef first, bro.

About what?

Let's— about what happened this morning.

Oh, the car. You, you are so fucking rude. You're such a little shit.

I didn't know.

You didn't know?

Yeah, I did not.

He called me yesterday and he goes, uh, he texts me, he said, hey, can I borrow your car tomorrow? I text back, Yes, for sure. I was like, yeah, Dave needs help.

And I'm like, thanks dude, thank you so much.

Totally into it. Assistant shows up this morning and I said, oh Natalie, there's no gas in the car. So do you want me to get you some gas? I go, where are you going? She goes, Vegas. What made you think that you could take my fucking car to Vegas? Why? Um, and then, and then I go outside and I'm all in a huff because I got to do Brandon's short film and freaking post my vlog. Natalie's go ahead, go ahead.

Me, Alex— okay, so let me backtrack. Me, Alex, and my sister Natalie, we were going to 20 minutes outside of Vegas, so it's like a 4.5-hour drive to go shoot a quick sketch. And I can't take my Tesla because I have to charge.

Yeah, you brag about that Tesla. Also, I thought about all day how much you fucking brag about that car. Look at my fucking car, Jason, isn't this amazing? Oh, guess what? You can't fucking take it out of state, you dumb fuck, because it doesn't charge.

Okay, so stupid shit.

The car's a piece of shit. Don't ever brag about your fucking Tesla anymore, because you know what? You fucking can't take it anywhere. Yeah, it doesn't drive.

I get it. Yeah, you have shit in your teeth.

I know I do not.

Yeah, right here you have a little black stuff. And on the other side, on the other side, on the other side, jelly.

It's not black stuff.

You have jelly in your teeth?

Yeah.

How the fuck is that even possible?

I had some— I've been waiting for you for 10 hours to come back with my car.

You've had jelly in your teeth for 10 hours?

You spent— you drove 10 hours today to shoot a 30-second sketch?

Yeah, dude, it was fucking nuts. We drove, we literally drove 10 hours today in total to shoot a 30-second sketch. In Jason's car? In Jason's car. And I told Jason, I'm like, Jason, I know you're mad, but it's cool 'cause you get to drive the Tesla today. And just now, right now it's 11:30 PM, I dropped all my stuff off at my house, and I was going over to return Jason's car and to record the podcast just now, and my assistant Natalie goes, Oh, by the way, here's the keys to the Tesla for when you need to drive it back. I'm like, you didn't give them to Jason. She's like, I forgot.

And then she texted me just now and she goes, all good? Everything good? No, it's not good, Natalie. I had to fucking Uber today.

You Ubered everywhere today?

Yeah, I had to fucking Uber.

I feel bad.

No, I actually could have. She gave me the code and I downloaded the Tesla app. Oh, and I could have— and I could have started the car, but I just— it was fine. I only went one place. It wasn't a big deal. The bigger deal was that I'm about to return the car and I'm at 34,000 miles.

Oh yeah, that's right.

And if I go over 36, I gotta pay.

That's why it was a big deal, is because the more miles he goes, the more he has to pay. So I Venmo'd you for the miles that I drove. You did? Yeah.

Let's see how much.

I paid you $150.

You didn't have to do that.

Well, I did that because I'm like, I'm a nice guy.

That's very nice, David.

No, you listen, it was It's so funny because the second Natalie went to go ask him for the car, Jason called me and I get a FaceTime from him and he goes, "Are you fucking kidding me? You're taking my car to fucking Vegas?" And he was like really upset. So I mean, I tried to calm him down for a little bit. I said, "Bro, bro, it's all good. It's all good." I did that bullshit thing that usually— I was kind of trying to piss him off more. And then Natalie got in the car later in like 3 hours and I'm like, "How did Jason take it when you had to borrow the car?" And she's like, I got so scared. She was terrified of you.

She was?

Yeah, she was really scared. She was just like, I was so scared, I just told him to call you. She wasn't—

I wasn't mad at her.

No, but yeah, we went to— we went— we went to go film a bit.

How did it go?

It went good. All of my bits are kind of for this 420 vlog. Literally, I don't— like, I'm not just saying this. So I had this big vlog coming up— not big, but it's like for April 20th, so it's supposed to be a little bigger. And 4 out of like the 10 bits I wanted to film have been canceled because they're just not possible, which sucks.

Yeah, they're, they're very—

it's, it's all, it's all going left and right.

They're wide-reaching bits.

They're, they're really tough.

I would be ambitious bits.

They're— yeah, they're ambitious bits. And I thought I could do it, but it turns out I'm not as lit as I thought I was.

No, you are. You are lit.

Seriously?

Yeah, of course you are.

Thanks. I was fucking—

maybe should get a second car that runs on gas.

Can you explain to me what's going on with Mark Zuckerberg?

I know he went in front of Congress and had to apologize.

This isn't a political podcast, but it has to do with social media, so I'm bringing it up.

Yeah, they leaked a bunch of information from people, and there was a—

I think that's what I breach. I think a lot of people were pissed too because they, because they know too much about people, right?

Yeah, like you can— you could basically— I could basically go on there, and if your phone was set up a certain way, I could look at every phone call you made.

Really? Yeah, like, did you guys know this? People listening, is if you're on fucking Instagram— sorry, I said the F-word right in front of that— or if you're on fucking Facebook, like, and you're just surfing through the pages, this is what I heard. I don't know if this is true, but you can— I can be having a conversation with you about buying a new bicycle. Yeah, like out loud in my living room. But if I'm on those apps, they're listening to my conversations because I allowed my mic on those apps. And that's how— that's— then this has happened to me. The next time I log into Facebook, which will be in like 20 minutes, I'll have ads pop up for bicycles. No, you've never had—

you've never had that happen. Is that true?

Maybe. I mean, I'm sure they could do it if they wanted to.

Okay, is that a— do you have a problem with that?

Yeah, that's not okay.

Really?

I don't think that's okay.

I always thought that— I think I feel like we talked about this, about like when people tap your phone calls. Uh-huh. Who gives a fuck?

Yeah, if you're up to anything illegal, we talked about this. Yeah, you're right.

But who cares?

I don't really care. I guess I do care.

Like, just—

yeah, look, you care until you don't care. I mean, what if something happens?

You let your girlfriend read all your texts, right? Yes, which is a fucking mistake.

It's just a mistake. I do that to prove a point though, that I'm not hiding anything from her.

To prove a point that you guys can get into 10 fights a day about it.

Yeah, which makes for a great vlog. We're good.

Oh my god, fucking shit. The last time we were— we were at like, where were we? We're at the Beverly Hotel.

Yeah.

Jason, Trisha was going through his texts and she found a DM with this girl that was like 2 months before you guys started dating or something. And it wasn't even like— you just said, I miss you, like in like a nice way.

Yeah, it was like she responded my Instagram and I said, hey, miss you. Yeah, which I would say to like any— I would say that too. Yeah, I mean, I would just say that to her.

Yeah. And, and Trisha started crying at dinner. Yeah, the straight-up crying. And there was one of our followers like that, like watched our videos, sitting— a 12-year-old was— a 12-year-old was sitting right by us and Trisha starts crying. No, no, no, no, no.

It started with— she came over and we talked to her and she took a picture with you. Yeah, and her mom was like, thank you so much, we're from Atlanta, this is such a thrill to meet the vlog squad. And then they sat down and like, and then a huge fight broke out.

And then they sat down and then, and then Trisha, Trisha's like, what the fuck was that all about?

And then Jason starts defending himself, raising his voice, and David's going, no, no, please, please, no. And I just got louder, just starts raising, raising her voice.

And then, and then they're both just fucking going at it. And Zane and I are looking at each other like, holy fucking shit, I can't believe this is happening. And the girl's like looking over, she's probably like, this is real life? They're actually like this in real life? And I'm so uncomfortable, I get so uncomfortable in public places when I'm not being the loud and obnoxious one. Like when someone else is doing it, I get really like fucking weird.

Yeah, which makes no sense. Yeah.

I don't understand. And I wouldn't even be talking about this normally, but then the fucking most magical thing happened. We get in the car, Jason turns on his vlog camera, and they continue the fucking argument on camera. Like a serious argument that had serious emotion. Jason just turns on the camera and they duel it out on camera. And now— and Zane and I were looking at each other like, what the fuck? Why the fuck are they filming this? Because we thought it was like this super private moment. And then we got back to the Bellingham house and he made Zane and Trisha sit on the couch so he can take a thumbnail about the fight they had. Oh my God.

What? I don't see anything wrong with that. What's wrong with that?

No, that's—

that's like— it's like your, your things You have to write what people want to watch. If people want to— I'd want to see that. I would want to— I want to bring the most intimate thing I could bring. Like, you do explosions and stuff, which is cool to watch, and I like to do— I know, and I like to— I do. I don't think there's anything wrong with my relationship on the line.

No, it's— no, it's the fucking— it's obviously the most entertaining to watch.

It's theater. We had another fight yesterday.

You're giving up a lot.

Like what?

Like when I put an explosion in the backyard. Yeah, like I'm not risking anything.

Yeah, you're risking all our lives.

That's not That's not worth any of my time.

Well, okay. That's not a big deal to me. Yeah.

No, but no, but like when you put your relationship on the line, that's like super private stuff. And like, I feel like you're risking more. I'm not saying— I'm saying I would never do it.

How am I risking anything? I don't understand. Not risking anything. I want to know that actually.

Risking is the wrong word. It's just like, it's fucking so much.

What am I risking? You're like, am I—

I don't think risking is the right word.

It's— well, then explain it to me. Break it down for me because I'm curious. It's like, to me, it's like you're putting a lot on the line. Ooh, but we put a lot on the line every day with what we do.

I mean, I know, but I don't— but like, I can explode something in the backyard and like, like people are like, oh my god, that was so goofy. All those guys are so goofy.

No one says it's goofy. I'm hiding in my room.

But like, okay, whatever, we can do like some crazy prank. Yeah, and people have a good laugh. But the videos you put up, like, people can take sides. Like, they take—

I want them to take sides.

Yeah, fucking no. And they take serious sides.

I want them to take sides. I want them to— I I've got them. I won. If they— if someone sat there and wrote like a fucking really long comment, like, oh, well, they're watching my video, they care.

It's crazy because I feel like Trisha has been in the wrong in your videos a lot. Yeah, where she says things that are a little crazy. Yeah, and people take your side for it. And but she's still okay with you putting everything out there, which I think is cool.

She's okay with it.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's cool. I just— I would never fucking do it. So I'm like impressed that you do it.

But you— oh my god, like You, um, I— fuck, I had a point and I missed it. Hey, you know what? I need to apologize to Tana Mongeau from last week.

What happened?

I— you asked me, you're like, what do you think of VidCon? And people teach— I don't want to talk too long on it.

I thought we cut out the part where you said that you want to have sex with her.

We did, David. We cut that out.

Oh shit.

No, no, no. And you asked me, you asked me, oh, 'You know, what do you think of VidCon treating her poorly?' And I was like, 'Oh, I don't fucking care.' And I was just in a bad mood and I'm grumpy and I love Tana and VidCon shouldn't have treated her poorly. I just saw a few tweets and I just wanted to clear that up. It's over now. So, moving on. Oh, also, I was at the Lakers game and Trisha said the funniest thing. Yeah, we went to the Lakers game, uh-huh, and, uh, and she was like, she's like, she's like, 'Things get wild here.' They— we were into the chairman's room or whatever. And, um, and she's like, oh yeah, things get wild there. It's like so many celebrities. She's like, she's like, I saw, I saw, um, Brad Pitt, um, doing coke here, um, in, in the chairman's room. It was like so crazy. And she goes, uh, she goes, but you know, it was a big game. It's the Cavaliers, the playoffs.

Do you see anybody? What happened at the Lakers game?

I did not see any. I saw Jack Nicholson. That was it. What? And a soccer player.

Jack Nicholson? He went to your high school?

Yeah, well, Jack and I, we're good friends.

He's your age.

He's a pal.

What, um, what was I gonna say?

I went karaokeing last night with Trisha. I had a huge fight with Trisha, uh, with— and Brandon watched the whole thing yesterday.

That was real?

Yeah. What do you mean it was real? Everything's real.

I saw it on Brandon's Instagram and I just thought you guys were doing it for us.

Oh, oh, oh, no, no, that was real. And then, uh, and then, yeah, and then— but then we went karaokeing last night, had a really good time. Yeah, we should go.

How's Tricia? How's your girlfriend?

She's great. She's really sweet. We're going to Coachella tomorrow.

Yeah, we're going to Coachella too.

What time you leaving?

Everyone's going to Coachella. Yeah, what's up with that?

You should have seen these guys getting ready. I thought of you every minute.

Okay, our friends already left to Coachella, David.

They, they, they did everything you could do. They, they got their nails done. They got their back waxed. They got their fucking assholes bleached. They— it's been unbelievable, the Coachella prep that they've been doing.

Coachella is like a, like a Like a high school reunion to them. It's like the biggest— it's like the biggest deal of all deals.

They left, they left today at 12. Coachella starts on Friday at 3.

Listen, I'm not gonna— I'm not gonna name any names. Someone showed up with, um— that was really funny. I'm sorry I didn't laugh.

It's okay. I don't even know what I said. I'm so fucking tired. She showed up around 11:30.

Someone showed up, someone showed up to our house yesterday with, uh, not to our house. I'm not gonna say where it was. Okay, but somewhere with like I shit you not, 10 bags of cocaine. I'm not kidding. Ooh, 10 little bags of cocaine. Someone showed up to your house, and that's probably just the first night of Coachella. I don't even know what they have planned for the rest.

Oh my god.

No, it's just like what the boys have planned. I don't know. It's— I mean, they go down. It's like, it's like Donkey Kong. It's—

they keep adding things to— like today Todd had done like 10 things, and he was like, you know what, we should get IV drips while we're out there.

Yeah, dude, they're insane.

They're having someone come give them IVs. Like, they just It's awesome. I mean, they are friends. I'm jealous.

Our friends get IV drips. It's when people put an IV inside your body.

Yeah, and they don't like to be vlogged.

To like, to rejuvenate.

IV people.

Yeah, it's to rejuvenate. Like, like let's say you're hungover and you're like dehydrated, they'll put in needles inside your veins and they'll pump in like liquid that helps you freshen up.

Yeah, they got spray tan yesterday.

Yeah, you got spray tan too.

I did.

Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know. I think the whole thing is a little bit of a little bit insane to me.

I like it. I'm jealous. Listen, I'm not there right now.

Brian, or sorry, Amy has something to say. She says she's a big fan.

Put her on.

She's not on.

Oh, we have a caller.

She's out. Yeah, our first caller. Hi, I'm Amy. I'm a big fan and wanted to ask for some advice. I'm in my second semester of college and I still have yet to decide what I want to do with my life. I'm not the greatest student and don't really and don't really believe that pursuing college will get me anywhere. I've been trying to figure out ways I can make money, but just don't have a start. How do you think one can start making money for themselves? Thank you for your time. Much love to you guys.

I've, I've never been able to make money in my life.

Where did you realize it? Where did you realize what you want to do with your life?

I knew from a very young age that I wanted to work in Hollywood. Uh-huh. Yeah, and then I knew at a very old age that I was not cut out for it. I always wanted to make movies. But it didn't work out that way.

But that's so weird.

I'm happy with what I'm doing now.

Yeah, it's great. YouTube videos.

I mean, it's not bad.

No, it's great.

I think it's pretty fucking good.

She says, I'm not the greatest student and don't really believe that pursuing college will get me anywhere. I don't know, that's kind of— that's a weird sentence. You know why?

Why?

Because she's saying she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, but she's also turning down college. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, but no, it's not. No, I read it differently. I heard it like, hey, I don't think college is gonna— I'm not a good student. I don't think college is my thing.

I read it as, I'm in my second semester of college and I have yet to decide what I want to do with my life, which is what she said, right? And then she goes and she says that I also don't want to do college. You can't do both because then you're just at home not knowing what to do with your life.

Well, she— I would say she's, you know, this is stupid advice, but she has to find a passion. Do what you're passionate about.

Listen, Jason, did you do all four years of college?

Yeah.

Look, it made no impact on his life. I mean, let's, let's, let's be real here. No, it made no impact. He's still—

I got an internship out of it though that led to some jobs. Yeah, in the field I wanted.

Didn't help him at college.

I wouldn't—

he went to college and he was still struggling for the first 25 years of his life. So that just goes to show you that college doesn't help, you know.

It could or it couldn't. Just find, find a passion. Why don't you give her that advice? Tell her that.

You can tell her too.

Well, I'm trying to get you—

you want me to give you my microphone? Um, No, I mean, I don't know, like, it's so hard because there's, there's—

I feel like there's two things. I feel like there's like your passion and then there's like what can you actually make money at? And those two things, like putting them together, are really hard. Yeah, it's really hard for someone to find.

And also, we're not the best people, at least I'm not the best to take advice from about college, because like what I do is like, as much as there is like some talent that goes into it, there's a lot of fucking luck. Like, like the right place, the right time. Like, everything has to be like so perfect.

Yeah, if I wasn't doing YouTube, I'd be broke.

Yeah, so like, you know, don't take advice from us when we say don't go to college because we literally are like, fortunately won the lottery in skipping school.

We got lucky.

So yeah, whatever you want to do, it's your choice.

Amy, are you into birds? Amy, she there?

Hello, Amy? Are you still— Amy?

Is she on the line?

Well, you know who is on the line?

ZipRecruiter?

Yeah, I would have— fuck, I wanted to put it in nicer. I wanted to transition nicer, but you're a dick.

I thought that was a pretty smooth transition.

You know who is on the line?

You asked me a question, I answered it. The ZipRecruiter?

No, the guys from ZipRecruiter. Oh, and they want you to learn that there's a smarter way to build a platform that finds the right job candidates for you. ZipRecruiter learns what you're looking for, identifies people with the right experience, invites them to apply to your job.

These invitations have revolutionized how you find your next hire.

In fact, 80% of employers who post a job on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site in just one day.

Is this where you found Natalie?

This is— I found Natalie on ZipRecruiter.

And ZipRecruiter doesn't stop there. They even spotlight the strongest applications you receive so you never miss a great match.

ZipRecruiter is how you find them. The right candidates are out there. Trust me. Just go to ziprecruiter.com/nash. That's ziprecruiter.com/nash for free. ZipRecruiter, that's right, free. You can try it for free if you use ziprecruiter.com/nash.

Just making sure we're still recording.

That's ziprecruiter.com/nash. That's the smartest way to hire. And they said that /dobrik also works, right?

/dobrik also now works.

I keep staring at you and I keep forgetting what I'm about to to say, and I'm like, and I'm like in the process, and I'm about to say something really big, and I always forget.

What is it?

Well, we're going to New York this weekend.

Oh, I'm so excited.

We're going to—

we're going to another— another thing I'm fucking angry at you about. I mean, I'm like, I'm grateful that you got me the job, and I'm grateful that we're going, and that's fun, but why do you fucking go at 2 in the morning, bro?

You're being a very bitchy bitch.

Mean.

So we're going to Coachella this Sunday, right? We're gonna Coachella this Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Yeah, and then Saturday night at 2:45. You want to rob our houses at 2:45?

This would be the time.

Yeah, if you— there's gonna be someone here. If you want to rob the house, we're gonna leave the door open.

Get ready for my 6-foot-8 friend Julio. Yeah, who's an Ultimate Fighter.

That's so funny. Yeah, I guess we shouldn't tell people we're leaving the house.

I mean, I have nothing to steal here. You're the one with the nice house.

Well, guess what?

You don't have anything to steal either, really.

I don't have anything. You can break into my— don't, don't break into my house.

I'm the fuck this guy. Guys, seriously, don't break into David's house.

No, don't break into anybody's house. It's the shittiest thing to do. And like, it's so shitty. So shitty.

Yeah.

Uh, okay, anyway, we're going Thursday, Friday, Saturday. We're gonna do the whole Coachella thing. We're going to some parties. Yeah, I don't know what to What are you gonna do?

Okay, I know you're going and I don't— you know, you don't like Coachella.

So many calls to answer.

Like what?

I like this, this whole like— I've just been— I've never been on the phone as much as I have been. I answered—

maybe, but what are you gonna get done at Coachella?

I'll just be on my phone. I'm answering some calls.

There's no service there.

Really?

You know, you're not gonna be on the phone at the festival, right?

You're right.

I don't know, but I mean, hopefully you won't be actually be at the festival that much. You'll just be like by the pool.

Yeah, no, I want to be, um, I just want to be at the house. I just want to hang out.

Yeah, and film.

The festival is a little intense. If you guys have ever been to Coachella, it's like, it's, it's an overdose of excitement.

Tell them about it. Tell them how awful it is. I mean, it's just walking in is really hard.

We're Jason and I, like, we don't like Coachella, but there's people that fucking die for it.

Obviously I like it, but it doesn't have to be 3 days. Like, one day is good.

Oh my god, dude, that's so right. Why is it It's so long.

Oh my god, you get to Sunday and you're like, is this still going on? Yeah, we still— the Molly doesn't work anymore, you know what I mean?

After 3 days, the Molly's broken after the third day.

I don't understand.

It's just, it's, it's also kind of scary.

I don't find it scary, but with everything going on, it's— oh well, Trisha brought that up. She's like, well, I hope no one shoots us.

Yeah, Coachella is like fucking, like, a very scary place.

It's scary. You can't get a gun in there though.

Well, but they fucking say about everything, right? I don't know. I don't know how that works. I always, I always believe if someone wants to get anything into anywhere, they'll get it done. Do you know what I mean? Like, I— yeah, like, I don't— like, even if— even airports, like, I don't know. I feel like there's ways around everything.

Yeah. What, did you have any fun last year when you went to Coachella? Yeah.

Well, let's pivot that conversation.

Why, you didn't have fun?

No, no, no, I had fun. I had fun, but it's just so much because you get there and So everyone— what happens at Coachella is you wake up around like 10, they start drinking, they start taking shots. This is my least favorite part, is they turn on the speakers in the house. Yeah, they have these like little portable speakers and they get them going and it's really early and they're already bumping and it's fucking 10:30 AM and it's like it's Zedd and Martin Garrix. You're already fucking like— you're already at Coachella. And then, and then you Uber over—

that kind of music, Martin Garrix. And then it's—

and then it's— then you have to Uber over there, and the Uber's like $80 because Ubers are like, yeah, fucking so much money.

They can only bring you so close.

Yeah, and they can't bring you all the way into Coachella. So then you have to walk another mile to get into Coachella, and then you have to walk another half mile when you find out that your wristband is only letting in on the other side. And then you get in, you go through this fucking high-end security, which thank God for that. And then it's like the really good bands come on at like 11:00 PM.

So if you want to see someone at 4:00 PM, oh, you're out there for 8 hours.

It's so interesting because when you walk into Coachella, like, like we would have the, like, a fair in Vernon Hills. We'd have a fair and there'd be a con. There'd be like—

are you comparing Vernon Hills days to Coachella? Yeah.

So we'd have, we'd have like a little stage where a band would perform, right?

Yeah, just like Coachella.

Yeah, but there were, there were rides. There are rides everywhere.

Yeah.

So when you walked in, you weren't like like you were— you were— the music was there, but then you had something to do. You had the rides, right? You had all these games, right? When you walk into Coachella, it's like, oh shit, it's just the music. Yeah, that's all it is.

Oh yeah, pretty much.

Like there isn't like a game, a shirt, there isn't like a— like a water slide. Do you know what I mean?

We have to take Molly. Like basically what—

even Bonnaroo, like I went to Bonnaroo.

What was that like?

They have water slides. They have like— yeah, they have like crazy shit like that. Like games you can play. But like Coachella is just— it's just the music. And it's like, it's just— it's so insane because— and the worst part is you get in your Uber, right? You have the portable speaker in your house, you get in the Uber, and your friends— you're fucking— some fucking asshole in the backseat of the Uber goes, yo man, you have an aux cord?

I hate when someone asks for an aux cord.

I cross my fingers, please, Uber driver, please tell him you don't have an aux cord. And he goes, of course I have an aux cord. And then he gives them in the fucking aux cord, and then now we're bumping music to Coachella. And this is, remember how I was telling you how it takes like a mile to get to the Uber drop-off to Coachella? This is the worst part. There's these people that pick you up on bikes, and you can either walk the mile, or these people pick you up and you pay them like $50.

Yeah.

To get you to Coachella. And the worst part about these people is they have these mini portable speakers attached to their bicycles, and they're playing some funky-ass copyright-free music all the way down to the gates, so you can't escape. You can't escape the music.

It's music, music, music, music, music, music.

And then last year, this is what happened. It was like 11 o'clock. It was like 11 o'clock. The music was over. Guys, don't get me wrong, I love music, but too much of it, it hurts my head. It was 11 o'clock, music was over. We needed a ride back to get to our place, and I'm like, I don't care, dude, I'll walk. I'll walk 5 miles. Let's just start walking. Let's get out of here.

You can't get out of there. There's— you can't get an Uber if you go to the Uber tent. It's too full. So you have to walk 3 miles out of there to walk far out to find an Uber.

So I said, I'm like, guys, I don't care. Let's just, let's just get out of here. It's fine. I'm totally cool with walking. We can walk as far as we can. And, and one of our friends came up and he goes, guys, I just got us a fucking party bus. And fucking all of us got on this party bus and, and music blasting.

11 PM.

This was— this party bus was there to drive us to the next party because the after-party started at like 1. At Coachella. So the party bus took us from Coachella to the after-party where it continued.

It is not where we had to wait in line again to get on another bus to take us to the party.

Yeah. Oh yeah, and then when you get to the party, you have to hop on another bus because all the parties are in secret locations. So you have to be shuttled there basically blindfolded. And it's, it's, it's, it's so insane. It's so much, and that's what's going on. Yeah, and it's 3 days, and I sound like I'm 80 years old. And I hate it, but it's just, it's too much to keep up with. Like, it's just like, you just feel like, where that— where am I?

One year we went with my group of friends and we had a guy, we paid a guy to pick us up, and we got there and someone had just taken it. Someone had just said they were us and just took our—

that's what we did last year, remember? Yeah, we found a woman and we got— we found an Uber.

I remember her.

Yeah, we found an Uber. She was great. And she said to call her this year too. We should call her this year. Yeah, and she—

you guys tried to set me up with her.

Yeah, we tried to get Jason a date.

Liza was going like— I think she was like dead serious. This is like Liza who has like good ideas and a solid head on her shoulders. She was like, I think you guys could date. I really do. It's not that far. It's 2 and a half hours. It's not a big deal. Long-distance relationships here on the weekend.

I was trying to set up Jason and this Uber driver, and, and she was— yeah, she was great. She picked us up. And we paid her, we just gave her cash every time, but she was always there because we can call her and she wasn't answering anybody else's Ubers. That's the way to do it when you go to Coachella.

Did you text Liza and tell her to tell me that she's sad that I'm not going to Coachella? Or did Liza on her own volition text me and say she was sad I wasn't going to Coachella? Be honest.

It's none of your business.

You fucking asshole. I knew it. I knew the minute she texted, I was like She didn't fucking care about me. That's David. That's David talking to one of his puppets.

It was, it was Liza.

It was?

Yeah.

Okay.

She called me, she called me, she called me.

She's like, Jason's got to be around for your vlog.

I better text him. She called me today and she's like, David, I'm so, I'm so mad that you're leaving Coachella for Sunday. And I'm like, yeah, I know, it sucks. And she's like, yeah, and you're taking Jason with?

What the fuck? Oh, that's nice.

And I'm like, What about me?

I'm so glad that we have to go to the Shorties. Yeah, so it's such a good reason.

So we get to leave Saturday night, go to the Shorties on Saturday. No, no, no, come on, bro. We get to leave Saturday night and then we go to New York and we get back Monday morning.

Hang on, check this out. Listen, we can Saturday night, we can be in New York, you'll be rested.

When do we change?

Change what?

We'll change into our tuxes because the black tux is the easy way. It's the easy way for guys to rent suits and tuxedos online. They have amazing new selections. If you haven't checked out the black—

I've checked it out, David. I've worn my black tux. I'm— I wore it to my goldfish's funeral.

Black Tux is now selling a special Jason Nash edition, um, black tux where there's already a spaghetti stain on the tux. It puts you— it puts you in Jason's shoes even before the wedding starts. The black tux never gets old.

Black Tux has white tuxes.

They have all kinds of tuxes, Jason. That's the thing is their selection is incredible, whether you try to get them to give me a white tux for this, but I didn't have enough time. Really?

Yeah.

Well, you guys—

or rent one from them.

Are you done?

Yeah.

Whether you're going for a stylist— stylist—

stylist selected outfit—

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Spring, spring events. Spring sports event.

Dude, I read it. I read it as sport, and I'm like, I wonder why they said sport, but I kept going.

The Black Tux is always changing up their looks. David, making it fun to try out different suits and tuxedos. Even if you have your own suit, switching it up with the Black Tux is always a great idea, guys.

To get $20 off your first purchase, visit theblacktux.com/views. The Black Tux free home try-on lets you see the fit and feel the quality of your suit months before your event, guys. That's theblacktux.com/views for $20 off your first purchase.

Yeah, it's— it's— you know what's great about this Black Tux is they have just Really stylish, stylish stuff. And you can look— you can kind of look classic, or they have like young stuff, you know, for young guys like you.

Guys, it's, it's, it's, it's the Black Tux. Premium rental suits and tuxedos.

I'm sorry, Tana Mongeau.

Yeah, that's, that's, that's both of our ads for today. I've stuttered, stuttered, stuttered a lot today.

I haven't heard any.

You haven't heard any stutters?

No, I've been doing a lot of other stuff. What have you been doing? How's your— how's your mental health? Doing good.

Yeah, I'm doing better.

Doing good. You happy?

I'm looking forward to starting work again. Yeah, and to being passionate. You know what's tough?

10 days.

Yeah, I have 10 days till I'm back to vlogging full-time. It's what I've realized is it's tough.

Oh crap, that's next Friday.

Yeah, it's tough getting things done when you don't have like the pressure of getting it done. Like I may have mentioned this last podcast, is like you'll, you'll say things like Like, David, now that you have all your free time, go to the beach, go to the doctor. But it's even harder to like schedule those things because you're like, I just want to lay around all day. For me, so like I can't go to the doctor because I'll just—

you've been working nonstop. You've been working on these bits. You drove to Vegas today.

I am, but nothing's— dude, I'm working and I'm running on a treadmill because nothing is getting done.

So that's kind of like the beauty of YouTube, right? You have this clock on you.

Yeah, you—

you're— a vlog will go up. Yeah, on Friday at 7:00.

It's like hell or high water. It was always like, like if I ever, ever had a— if I ever had a big— oh my god, what's wrong with my words today? If I ever had a big project due, like a semester project due, right? And it was due on Wednesday and it was Monday and she's given us 4 months to do it, I'll be sitting there Monday morning and I'll be like, it's all good because I know when Thursday comes around it's gonna be turned in. And it'll be done. It'll be done on Wednesday. And like, that's how I like— like, I would never worry because I knew I would get it done. I fucking knew I would. I would never— I would never not get a deadline done on time. And like, that's what it was with vlogging, is I post Monday and then there was a gun to my head the next day and it was like, fucking post another one on Wednesday. And it's like, I had to post it like no matter what. And now that I don't have to post, I don't have the urge to shoot as much. I don't have the urge to edit as much. I don't have the urge to get work done as much, and it sucks.

Yeah, but don't you think you need a break?

No, dude, that's not— that's—

don't you, don't you think your body is like—

but what, what is— what do I need a break for? Like, how does that—

you're sucking up new ideas, you're giving your brain a rest, all that's gonna come back to you.

Yeah, maybe. I mean, it's all, it's, it's all whatever. Well, guys, we have, we have something Brian said. Brian, Brian hit us up. I really love listening to your podcast.

Thanks.

He's really just— and he's really looking for some advice. Okay, me and my boyfriend have been dating a year here now, both 16, and 6 months in he told me he was moving back to Holland. He's Dutch with his family. They were originally moving in July, but it's been brought forward to the 1st of May. We both want to try a long-distance relationship, but I'm not sure how to. I know we are young.

Don't bother, you're too young.

Fuck you, Jason.

You are. They're too young.

I know we are young and a lot of people think it's just another teen relationship, but obviously I feel like it's more than that. I deal with depression, so it's horrible to know the one thing that really helps you, which you thought you could last forever, is being taken away. And to be completely honest, I'd rather we have a brutal breakup because I feel like it would hurt less.

Wow.

If you could offer any advice, it would be absolutely amazing. So this person's saying that they're about to be split up with their boyfriend, and, and they've been seeing each other for like 6 months, and because they're moving apart and he's gonna be depressed once he's gone. And he wants a brutal breakup. We're literally just saying exactly what he wrote.

Yeah, that was interesting. He wants a brutal breakup because he feels like it would hurt less. A brutal breakup. Yeah, that's, that's sort of what people do in relationships sometimes.

They like, you gotta pull the fucking plug.

They cause a fight, bro.

Let me say this to make—

push the person away.

Give my word of advice. I think, I think, um, I think a lot of relationships long distance don't work But I also think a lot of relationships long distance work. I think every—

oh, long distance, the worst. A fucking— how annoying is it to have a friend that's in a long-distance relationship? I can think of nothing worse. You're hanging out with the guy and the fucking girl calls like 3 times in the night. You got to go outside. Should I cut?

Could you imagine I put a— I push a button and I turn your side of the mic off? If you just hear it from my mic like all the way across the room.

If you weren't so fucking lazy went to the studio, you could do that.

I could turn your mic off. Yeah, no, don't—

I didn't mean to cut you off.

Don't listen. No, you didn't cut me off. Don't listen to Jason. Okay, actually, go, go.

Well, a couple things. Number one, you're 16. You don't— don't even try to have a long-distance relationship. That's ridiculous.

You don't know that.

They're 16.

You don't know that. I have—

nobody's 16 stays together. No one.

Oh my God, you evil bastard.

Well, it's true. I'm fucking telling you the truth. And you live in this fucking— what, you know what kind of movies David likes? Like these really, like, heartfelt, like, ushy-gushy movies that no one No one's ever heard of. Fuck you. And that's what he thinks life is, is like, oh, everybody can make—

my favorite movie is About Time. Big deal. Suck a dick.

And the other thing is you don't want to be the person in a long-distance relationship. It's annoying to everyone around you because you're gonna have to go outside and have like be on the phone for like an hour. Okay, your friends are inside having fun and you're not enjoying life. You'll be on the phone for your entire life. Have you ever had a friend?

You—

okay, be honest.

That's a good point.

Tell me, you must have had a friend who's in a long-distance relationship.

I haven't.

Oh, you haven't? Well, see, all your friends are smart. I mean, it's just, I feel for this person and I understand that like they're in love and stuff. And what's his name, Brian? You know what it is, you know, sorry Brian, I don't mean to be mean. I don't mean to be—

you know what you should do?

I'm just—

this is my opinion, trying to be real, but you're— you're okay. My god, my stuttering. Your relationship can 100% work out, so don't listen to my opinion now. But I think what you guys should do is you guys should just fucking Quit it cold turkey. That way, that way there's no like— you're not breaking apart slowly. So you still have this love for each other. So the second you guys get to see each other again, it'll be like boom, like you'll be reconnected because you'll be like, holy fuck, I miss you so much. Do you know what I mean? Like cut it cold turkey so you don't like kind of— because if you like, if you try to get it going, it'll just slow. It possibly could slowly die off in like 4 months. 'Cause you guys aren't talking to each other, and then it's like, okay, let's just end it, and then you end the relationship on a lame note. So end it on this high note where you guys fucking love each other, and then just break up, and then see where the future takes you. And I know it's shitty, and maybe you shouldn't listen to me, maybe you should keep going. Actually, email, you know what, fuck you, email me in a year, Brian, and tell me what happened. I'm very excited to hear.

Give me your personal email right now.

You know what, fuck it, Brian, text me, 847. No, but seriously, I want to see what happens. And if you go and— yeah, go figure it out. Go date this guy for as long as you want. Who cares?

Until you turn 17 and you like someone else.

You're a fucking prick. Bro, you can't be like this.

I'm being honest. When people are 16, they shouldn't be in long-distance relationships. If I had a kid who was 16, I'd be like, no, fucking way are you gonna be in a long-distance relationship with someone in Ireland? It's ridiculous.

It's just sometimes it hurts.

Yeah, well, fucking everything hurts. Everybody hurts.

I think you've been hurt so much that—

that what?

You just don't believe in— you don't believe in love at first sight.

And I believe in love at first sight. You've never had nothing to do with what we're talking about.

Love at first sight. I was just pulling shit out my ass. But you've never had— you've never had parents in your school that have been together since middle school or since high school?

Yeah, they look miserable.

Oh my god, they look fucking miserable. You think?

Yeah. I mean, yeah, no, I know, I know there's some people that have gotten together in high school and stay together, but I don't think— I know, I don't think that— I know that they've gone apart. They weren't like together for every— like married at 18. I don't think that's a smart way to be. I think this person has probably a lot of growing to do, and you know, you'll probably be so upset.

Just follow your— follow your gut and break up with this person.

Or— so we're giving the same advice.

Keep it fucking going.

No, we are.

It's up to Brian. Brian, there is— there's not one thing you can read online, there is not one thing you can learn in a magazine, there's not one thing you can watch in the video that will teach you how to control your relationship.

I have a great relationship.

Every relationship—

my relationship is perfect, so listen to me.

Please don't watch any anything from Jason from now on. Just figure it out yourself.

Um, but yeah, we have 40 minutes yet.

Yeah, unfortunately we're at 40.

Oh shoot.

Oh shoot.

I think I, I will keep going if you want, guys.

Jason wants to do 2 podcasts a week.

Yeah, let's go, man. What the fuck? Fucking let's do it. You, you don't have to work as hard if you do podcasts.

Okay, we'll do 2 podcasts a week, most likely.

When?

That wasn't me saying we're doing it.

You just said it. It just came out of your mouth.

It's like a maybe. Fucking dick. Jesus Christ.

Well, in what scenario could you do 2 podcasts a week?

Guys, tweet at me if you want 2 podcasts.

Do it every fucking day.

Yeah, I just like the attention.

They tweet every day, 2 podcasts, please, more podcasts.

Maybe start a poll and have it— no, have it be an honest poll. Have it be an honest poll because I think 2 podcasts may ruin the 1 podcast thing. It could be— anyway, fuck it. Okay, that's it for today's podcast. Make sure you like and subscribe. Go buy his merch. If you see us at Coachella, say hi. If you see us in New York, say hi. Yeah, we'll see you guys later. This has been Abuse Podcast. My name is Jeff. We'll see you guys later. Bye.