Tricked Into a Marriage Proposal

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where about 10 minutes ago Jason farted so disgustingly inside his room I couldn't go inside and talk to him.

Nobody told you to come in the room, David. We had specifically said to not let David come in here.

And I needed help with my vlog and I walked in, and I'm sorry, I didn't know Japan just dropped a nuclear bomb.

And by the way, how about, uh, I helped you with your vlog a bunch?

Yeah, how about, um, I almost suffocated inside your room?

You know what, I'm a real man, and that's what real men do. You wouldn't know anything about that.

You pass way too much gas. And you know what? You were the guy that probably passed gas on our private jet ride. That was you.

That was not me.

Yeah, that was you.

I had a lot of respect for that ride. I appreciated it more than anyone, 'cause I took the longest to get on that plane.

You're a little farting old fuck. It just pours out of you like a leaking pipe.

Really? Really. Well, you're a little squirrel old fuck.

A little what?

You look like a squirrel. It's your fucking hair.

Yeah, you probably like that because you want me to munch on your nuts, don't you?

Again, the gay comments that you throw towards me suggesting that in any way I am attracted to you or you are attractive even absolutely baffles my fucking mind. The fact that you'll sit there and call yourself one of the more attractive people around day to day on YouTube is fucking ridiculous.

Then why is your dick in your hand right now?

My dick is in my hand because I am actually working on a science project that you know nothing about because your small brain couldn't possibly handle what I am doing with NASA, which is important work.

What is it? What is the— what is the experiment about?

I am trying to launch farts with my penis. Okay, so that's what's happening.

All right, roll the intro music. I have—

boom!

And that was Bruce Wigner with the intro song. That was a horrible intro. I don't know what we got into. I don't know why we did all that.

I don't know either, but I'm happy to be here.

I'm happy to be here too, guys. We just got back from a busy day yesterday. These, um, this guy who watched the vlogs contacted us because he wanted to propose to his girlfriend on my vlog.

Scott, can you make more noise out there?

Scott, shut the fuck up!

Goddamn it, this is all I have is this podcast, my YouTube channel. This channel's dying and you're doing— maybe it's Kristen, maybe we shouldn't yell.

Yeah, Kristen? Kristen, was that you?

Yes.

Whoever it was, they got so embarrassed, just ran out of the kitchen. All right, now that the noise is over with, um, back to my regularly scheduled podcast.

Um, get on it.

So we had, we had this guy come over because he said, uh, he's a big fan of the vlog. Yeah. And he wanted to propose to his girlfriend who was also a big fan of the vlog. And now, this is a very, this is tricky for me, 'cause I love this. This is like my favorite thing ever, like proposals. I love relationships, so someone proposing to someone on my platform is like fucking incredible. I'm like, yes, I'm down. But right before it happened, I told Jason, I'm like, Jason, reach out to this person and make sure that this girl is gonna give the guy a good reaction when she's getting proposed to.

Which, how can you say that to me? I don't know who's gonna give a fucking good reaction. How do you say that to someone?

I told you.

You say that to me, is she gonna give a good reaction? I don't fucking know, she's from Sacramento.

Oh, sorry.

I've never met her before.

That's not what I said. I said make sure she watches the vlogs.

Right.

And then you called and you said, hey man, I'm just making sure to see if she's gonna give us a good reaction. And that's not what I meant at all. What I meant by telling you, make sure she watches the vlogs.

I also wrote, does she watch the vlogs? And he said, he said he watches Liza and not you.

Now it's time for the adults to speak. And for you to listen.

Oh, you get your fucking finger off my shoulder, I will fucking break it in 4 pieces.

Anyway, I was checking, I wanted to check with the guy if she watches the vlogs because I didn't want her to come into our house not knowing who the fuck we are, because then it'd be really awkward. And guess what? She came over and she had no idea who the fuck we were. It was pretty bad.

You were in this, she knew who you were.

Yes, a little bit, but—

But just because someone's not fucking jumping up and down and crying when they meet you, it doesn't mean they're not a fan of you.

I'm not saying, I'm not, this isn't, This isn't a selfish thing at all. Oh, you have a warped idea. Shut up, just shut up.

Let me finish. Let me finish. Let me finish.

All right, hold on. I'm not, this isn't a selfish thing. I'm not like, oh, I really want her to be jumping up and down meeting me. The reason I was asking is because this is her marriage proposal. She's being proposed to. I don't want this to be a shitty moment in which she has no idea who we are and he's proposing to her in our apartment just because he likes us. And she doesn't know anything about us. I wanted her to love my vlogs and love you and love all of us so this marriage proposal can be special. 'Cause if she doesn't care about us, then she's not gonna give a fuck. It's not gonna be a memorable moment. And that's kind of what happened. She was coming up the stairs and I—

Oh, I disagree. She was very happy.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me finish this.

What?

'Cause this is my favorite part. She was coming up the stairs to our apartment and I'm just checking her. I'm like, so how many vlogs have you seen? And she's like, I don't know. And I'm like, 10, 15, 50, 70, 100, 300? And she's like, yeah, probably 15. And right there I'm like, ah, poop. I've posted 360 vlogs. Like, 15's not—

but you knew that. We talked to her. He told us she was not a fan of yours. No, that she was a fan of Liza, and she told us that.

And then Liza was there. Yeah, it didn't seem like she watched Liza.

She gave her a huge— no, no, no, she was so excited to see Liza.

And then this is what happened, and then the proposal happened. And it was like a big surprise. No one had any— like the girl didn't have any idea that this was happening. And he proposed to her and she just goes, "Yes." And my argument is, like, it wasn't like this overdramatic, like, movie type of proposal where she starts gushing and crying and she's like, "Yes, yes, yes, Johnny, I love you, yes." It was super chill. And that could have been because they were really shy. Granted, I've never seen a marriage proposal in real life, so I don't really know how that could have been because you had a fucking camera in her face. You're right.

And there's all— we're all standing around.

But my favorite part is, my favorite part is, um, all, all of us— me, Liza, Alex, um, Dom, Jonah— all of us agree. We're like, after they leave, we're like, that was kind of weird, right? That wasn't like a regular marriage proposal because it was just super low-key. Like, no one was really excited about it. And then Jason goes, Jason goes, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? You guys have no fucking idea how real love is. That's the real world. That's how a real proposal is. And I literally took Liza into the other room and I'm like, did you hear what Jason just said? I don't think he's ever been in love before.

Oh, you're out of your mind. I've seen people propose before.

I know, but listen.

I mean, like, I think you guys have watched too much YouTube. I really have. You guys, this is your generation. Maybe. You expect every moment to have fucking fireworks and be this perfect moment where everything is, oh my God, it's in the pocket. It's not real life at all. You have no fucking concept. You've watched too much reality TV. You've watched too many setup pranks. You've watched too much fucking Who Man, and it's ridiculous. That's a proposal.

I understand, and to clarify what I'm arguing about, I'm arguing about the proposal itself wasn't loud enough. It wasn't like, oh my God, I can't believe. It was like, she was like, yes, I will, and then they hugged. Like there wasn't kissing. And then, and then it raised the question because we're all there, okay?

We're all watching her.

But listen, this is why I was suspicious, because you think it's fake.

It's not. I don't think— didn't fake it.

I thought these guys— I don't know if this— if I'm just crazy, but I thought the guy just really wanted to meet us and he got one of his girlfriends to pretend like they were getting proposed.

One of—

just to meet us.

I mean, they're not even together.

Yeah, like they're not even together. And I thought they planned this thing out just to meet us, right? And just to get inside the apartment, just so the guy can— and this is what, this is what was weird for me. This is what was a red flag. This is— so this entire time I'm thinking, I don't know, was that a real proposal or was it not? And then I go on their Instagram and I see the picture that they posted, right? Yeah, that they each posted. And they posted a group picture with all of us.

Yeah.

And the caption is, can't believe I met these guys, so excited, right? That's it. That was the only caption.

Well, maybe they're not ready to announce it. Maybe they were—

It was on my vlog, dude. No caption. The caption did not say anything about proposal. Anything. It did not say, "Oh my god, I can't believe I'm so happy I'm finally married." It was just about us.

Oh my god, you are so far up your own fucking ass.

No, that's the thing. I'm not far up my ass.

You are so far up—

I am far into someone else's ass. Because if I was far up my ass, I'd be like, "Good, she posted a picture with us and made the caption about us." when that moment was not about us at all. It was not— it was not about me, it was not about you, it was about them too.

There are a million— stop playing fucking God. You play God with— stop playing fucking God. It's not— it is not all about you. You think everything revolves around you. There's a million other factors that could have gone on. The thought— maybe, maybe they, maybe they made the proposal and, and they got back home and the dad didn't want her to marry her. Maybe, uh, maybe they're not ready. Maybe they're not ready to announce it. Maybe there's some complication. Maybe there's a baby.

Why they're not Maybe there's a baby. Yeah, Jesus Christ.

Maybe Dom put a baby in her.

Um, no. Okay, this is one more red flag I want to bring by you.

Go.

When, when they walked in the apartment, I tested them right away. I said, how long have you guys been dating?

Yeah.

And he goes, he goes, 4+ years. And at the same time, she says 3 years. At the same time. How do you get it off by a year? And the day before we called them— shut up— the day before we called them, he says they've been dating for 5 years.

I, I didn't hear that.

Well, he did. He said it.

But he brought— he had a ring. He had a gorgeous ring.

Yeah, Jason, I can go get a gorgeous ring too.

He's a construction worker. Yeah, and she works editing.

So he quickly mined it. It's a diamond. You find that shit in mines all the time.

Okay, so he was working construction, he found a diamond, he came up with a plan to meet you. Yeah, you're out of your fucking mind. You want everything to be— you want everything to be so perfect, and this relates to everything that's going on in your life with the show, with the live shows.

The only thing The only thing I want perfect is my shave. And you've heard me talk of the amazing shave I get from my Dollar Shave Club.

Oh God, you jump to the ads when I start to make a good point, or if I start to crack you open, or if you start to get real.

Listen, I love Dollar Shave Club.

I'm gonna crack you open with my ads one week.

Especially when I use it with their Dr. Carver's Shave Butter. Well, I'm here to tell you I'm never giving up my membership. In fact, I'm adding even more DSC products to my daily routine.

Dollar Shave Club makes products for your hair, face, skin, shower, everything you need. They have me looking and feeling amazing. Well, I don't know if I look amazing.

I mean, no one can do that, not even Dollar Shave Club. This is in the script. Even we couldn't—

please don't, please don't reference Jason as amazing. Anyone else is fine.

And it's all their own original stuff. They use only the finest premium ingredients and they deliver it to you just like they do their razors.

Mm-hmm. You know, Jonah took a shower in there the other day with my Dollar Shave stuff.

Yeah, how did he like it?

Oh, I'm sure he loved it.

Yeah, he came back looking very handsome.

He left the whole bathtub, the whole bathroom soaked. Kid doesn't know how to shower.

Well, that's okay.

There was a river in there. No, it's not okay.

To be fair, you don't know how to shower either. Huh? You come out smelling worse.

No, I come out smelling great, and Jonah came out smelling great, but he put water everywhere. And then we took the towel, and he folds a wet towel up. He actually took the time to fold the towel, but it was soaking wet. And he's like, it'll dry like that. I'm like, no, it won't.

Well, guys, when they deliver it to your door, that means no more annoying— I just blew past that story. I was like, cool, Jason, we gotta get back to this ad. That means no more annoying trips to the store, cruising up and down the aisles, looking at shelf upon shelf. What the hell is that? What do I do with it?

I use Dollar Shave for almost everything, guys. Razors, body cleanser, hair gel, and yes, David's favorite, butt wipes.

And look, Jason was scared to read the script and say I use butt wipes.

Yeah, they're— you're—

they're great.

Butt wipes are great.

Okay, Dollar Shave Club has you covered head to toe. And now— and now is a great time to give Dollar Shave Club a try. You can get your first month of their best razor along with travel-sized versions of shave butter, body cleanser, and yes, even butt wipes. They're really stabbing that in there. Yeah, for just $5. After that, replacement cartridges ship for just a few bucks a month.

Yeah, it's the DSC Starter Set. Get yours for just $5 exclusively at dollarsaveclub.com/views.

That's dollarsaveclub.com/views. Jason, did your dad ever teach you how to shave?

Oh yeah, he shaved me up all the time.

He did?

No, he wasn't around much.

Oh.

Which is why we're here.

When are you gonna teach your son to shave?

As soon as he gets some fucking balls. Yeah.

How do you— when is the official day that your son is gonna become a man?

Well, you know, they have a bar mitzvah. That's when they become men for Jews.

Get that, your son's gonna have a bar mitzvah?

Yeah, I think so.

We were in the car the other day and we were going to the quinceañera, right, for this girl.

Yeah, and more than just a girl, it's my nanny's daughter. Yeah, who's very close to me.

She's great. She's great.

Susie.

Rachel. Well, Susie's not— now it looks like I got the name wrong.

No, no, you got the name right. Rachel.

Rachel, yeah. And we're going to the car and we're sitting with Jonah, who's one of our friends, and he goes, why can't I have a quinceañera? And then we all laugh, and Corinna in the back seat goes, you fucking idiot, quinceañeras are only for girls. You're thinking about bar mitzvah. And I'm like, no, Corinna, that's for Jewish people.

Hey, I know, I know what I want to yell at you about.

What?

You, you do this thing.

I know what I want to yell at you.

It makes me absolutely fucking insane.

What, take care of you?

You don't take care of me, I take care of you.

Be nice to you?

I don't— you're hardly ever nice to me.

Treat you with respect? I can't imagine.

You've never done that.

Okay, go.

I'm still waiting for that day. You do this thing where you take me to the point of like fucking like maybe I'm gonna die, or you put me in danger, or you take me to like the breaking point and you don't stop. And then I fucking— most of the time I'm not yelling.

Give me an example. I don't know.

Yesterday.

Okay.

And then I start to yell at you.

You can't just say yesterday and not follow that up with why.

I'll explain, let me set the premise up. And then I start to yell at you and you go, Jesus, oh my God. Wow, boy, you got really angry there. Like a fucking little kid. When you've been poking the bear the whole time, when you're the one that's been, yesterday, we get in the car, we're walking out, Alex calls shotgun, and then Jonah calls shotgun right after, so David thinks it'll be funny if we all get in riding shotgun. And it was a funny bit that you didn't use. And, um, so we're all riding shotgun, and then so all three of them are in my front seat. Jonah gets on, Alex— Jonah's a bigger guy. And, and then finally it's my turn to get on. I was like, I don't want—

Jason's a bigger guy. Just trying to paint the picture.

Yeah, it's good, it's good, it's good. And I'm like, I— and I said, and I hit my head, I was like, I don't want to get Says, "David, I'm gonna fucking be in the front seat without a seatbelt." And that's gonna set up David to give him a chance to drive 70 in his Tesla down the residential neighborhood, which where we fucking live. And sure enough, he fucking starts gunning it, doing 70 in the Tesla down the street, no seatbelt on. I have a bad fucking back. I know you can't process it. I know you fucking refuse to listen. Let me explain it to you.

I told you to take an Advil and you said no.

I take so much Advil, my liver's gonna knock out. I have a bad back. I'm 44 years old.

I know it's not about you.

It is about me. It is always about me when my fucking health is in danger.

Why can't you just be grateful that you got to sit in a $155,000 car and enjoy a ride with 3 really cool friends?

I mean, you know, you're cool.

You're like, now that you put it that way, I'm kind of a dick.

And then, so then I say to you, you fucking cunt. Yeah, you fucking cunt, like that. And I saw your face, you were like, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And then Alex even goes like two little kids, he goes, boy, never seen you get mad like that before. Like, you guys can dish it out, but when someone fucking gets angry, yeah, you act like little kids.

I mean, it was— it's, it's— you, you can't blame it entirely on me. You made a big deal out of it and it shouldn't have been a big—

excuse me? Excuse me, what did you say?

Did you just drink a beer?

Yeah, I'm drinking fucking beers over here. I'm about to go fucking Matthew McConaughey, cut these beer cans up, fucking slice your face open. That's what I'm about to do. True Detective Season 1, fuck off! It is your fault! How could you say it's not your fault?

Oh look, another ad. EHarmony is here today with us.

Oh, I checked out EHarmony yesterday.

Did you?

Oh damn.

The website just shut down as soon as you entered your name. EHarmony goes, sorry, we can't accommodate you.

No, no, I have a code.

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That's odd.

You can't take to know someone just by looking at their picture. And that's a good call, guys. Jason's pictures are really deceiving. He uses pictures from like 7 years ago when he was in his prime.

No, I put the fat pics up.

Oh, okay, good.

I do. Oh, you know what? I will say something funny. I'll say something nice about eHarmony.

Okay.

Because I did do it and I got a bunch of matches.

eHarmony's great. I've actually heard a lot of people find their one on eHarmony.

And it was kind of eye-opening when I got the matches back because there was like, Girls my age, they were really good looking and I was like, and I thought of a slogan for eHarmony which is like, "eHarmony, you don't have to date a skank." It really opened my eyes. I was like, "Oh, wow.

There's nice girls out here." Or, "eHarmony, this must be broken." eHarmony is unlike many other online dating sites. They are built to help you find lasting meaningful relationships. Eharmony, if you can find Jason a match, I will promote you for free for the rest of your goddamn life. It's not a shallow hookup site. Oh, it's not Jason's type of website. They've helped over a million people find their perfect match. Eharmony uses years and years of science data. Oh, and at this point, if you didn't realize, this is an actual read for Eharmony. Yeah, we're dead serious. Eharmony's paying to be on our podcast.

Yes.

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It's definitely— it looked like it was like— there was a lot of questions.

If you have single parents, definitely let your parents sign up for eHarmony.

He's just trying to be the cool guy here.

No, I just don't want to.

You don't want to date anymore?

You tried to set me up with that mom from that we surprised. Yeah, you made it so awkward.

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, why do you do that?

We, we surprise these kids and the kid goes to me, hey, my mom's single, and I'm like, oh, we got two single parents in the house. And then since then it was just awkward. So I'm done setting Jason up with, uh with kids' parents, so he's just gonna stick to eHarmony. I remember when eHarmony first came out.

Yeah.

And it was— people laughed at it.

They did?

Yeah, because it was like online dating. It was like, what the fuck is this? And now look, eHarmony's laughing back because, dude, online dating is fucking everything now.

It's pretty good. I liked it. I'm down.

More people are meeting people online than they are in real life.

I would say so, yeah.

At least in America. I would assume in third world countries, eHarmony still has yet to reach that demographic.

I mean, you can't beat milking a goat. I mean, that's a great way to meet a girl.

That's the way my parents met back in Slovakia. It was the most emotional meeting. My dad was milking 3 goats and my mom came over with a fresh bucket.

Did I ever tell you the story about the deer in my house?

No, are you talking about your ex-wife?

I've been getting along great with my ex-wife.

I saw.

Yeah.

And that's remarkable. Yeah, you really deserve it.

The handcuff video did good.

You've been trying to get back together with her for a while. It's time.

That was funny at the quinceañera when she was there and you pulled me aside and you're like, Jason, this is the moment. It was like a slow dance moment.

Yeah, there was like a slow dance. We were at the quinceañera together and his ex-wife was there. The slow song came up and I go to Jason, I'm like, hey, there she is standing alone. Go ahead, come on, ask her to dance, dude. This is your moment. And I love it because she like We were like standing like 5 feet away from her and she, I don't know, she probably even heard me, but she was pretending like she didn't hear me.

She would think that was funny.

Yeah, no, it was, it was great.

She's about, she was, she got to meet all you guys. It was great. Thank you for going, by the way.

But what happened with the deer in your house?

Oh, well, I have a story. This deer, I wanted to tell you this. I mean, to tell you the story. So, okay, so one time, um, there was a deer that was in my backyard.

First of all, is this real?

No. Yeah, no, it's totally real. There's a deer.

It's real. 100% real.

100% real.

Okay. Okay.

So there's a deer that, uh, was, um, broke its leg., and it was in our backyard. So it was there for like, you know, half a day, and it couldn't jump the fence because its leg was— we didn't know if it was broken, but the leg was wounded.

Yeah.

And so, so like, oh, what do we do? So we call the, um, we call the, the ASPCA or whatever, we call the animal control specialist. Yeah, we call the animal control. We get this woman on the phone, but she goes, uh, she goes, oh, oh, oh, that's fine. She goes, all right, well, what's your address? We're gonna have someone come in and, um, you know, with the deer, take the deer out and then we'll take it to rehabilitation. Oh, like that. And we're like, oh, that's so, that's so great. And, um, so we waited like an hour or so, and this is when Wyatt and Charlie were really young, and this big ranger comes. The guy walks in the door, he's like, hey, you got a deer? And I'm like, yeah, come show it to me. And we go out back and, uh, and I'm like, oh, it's right there. And he just, he pulls, he pulls his gun out.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah. And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? What are you doing? He goes, I'm gonna shoot in the fucking head.

Like that. Are you serious?

Yeah. And I go, and I go, I go, no, no, no, no, no, no, that, that's, that's not what they said on the phone. And they're like, well, what'd they say on the phone? Like, well, we talked to a nice woman on the phone and like it goes to rehabilitation.

Oh, that's Deborah.

She's fucking—

exactly. Because that's Deborah. We, we tell her that we save all the deers.

It was so funny. It was, uh, and he just goes I was like, what?

Now what's rehabilitation for a deer?

Yeah, he was like, we don't do that. Jesus Christ. And, uh, and I was like, oh, okay. And he was like, yeah, he's like, so, uh, I'm gonna— if you want to like get out of here. So like, uh, she just took the kids out. He just shot him in the head.

He shot the kids out? He shot the kids?

No, he didn't shoot my kids.

Oh shit, you said he took the kids out and he shot him in the head.

No, Marty took the kids away. Oh, sorry. But I thought that was a great— a great, you know How is that related? Story about men and women, huh?

How is that related to online dating?

It, it— you see, the thing is, is like, we all are broken deers, and that's how I feel when I'm on eHarmony.

You had sex with a deer after it was dead, didn't you?

That's how it's related.

Sorry, dude, that's, that's brutal. Yeah. And what did you tell the kids?

We told them that it was rehabilitated. Which, by the way, I spoke with Marnie today, and this—

this— until your kids bring a gun home and they're like, I'm gonna rehabilitate you, Dad, you seem like you have trouble, shoot you right in the head. That's a good— that's a good message.

Which, by the way, it's Christmas season, and, and worried about the Santa Claus thing. I think it's time— I told Marnie today, I said, you have to tell him.

No, I have to tell your kids that Santa Claus isn't—

that's fine if you want to tell them. You can talk to Marnie.

How old's your son? He's 11. He's 11.

Okay, Jason's David, he goes to like a, like a middle school where like the kids are like very— like the 8th graders, you'd see them, they're fucking adult.

They'll throw rocks at him if they find out. Yeah, yeah, it's serious. I mean, it's literally like his son— his son doesn't know that Santa Claus isn't really—

and the Tooth Fairy.

Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, well, that's, that's normal. Who else would take care of your teeth?

Oh, you believe in the Tooth Fairy? I mean, I feel as if, you know, that's like saying, that's like letting him walk around being like, the world is flat. You know what I mean? Like, it's just, it's cute up to a point, but I told her today, I said, you really needed to tell him.

What did your ex-wife say about that?

She goes, no, no, no, he's such a sweet boy.

Listen, I would kill for that honor. I would kill a deer just to be, just for you to let me. If you have any deer problems, I'll take care of them if you let me tell your son. No, on camera. And I'm not even being a douche about it. I think it's gonna be fucking hysterical for him to look back at in 4 years, and he's gonna be like, holy shit, dude, I would kill for my parents to have the video of me telling me Santa isn't real. Be real with me, would you not love to watch that? Yeah, of yourself finding out when Santa's not real. Yeah, come on, let me do it. Let me record it. I'll even tell him the Tooth Fairy's not real. Go, Marty! Okay, I'll talk to her. Call her. I'll talk to her.

You could probably talk her into it.

It's a convincing argument, right? Like, in a couple years it's gonna be funny.

I just want to see, like, his face. It must be on YouTube, dude.

When I tell him that it's not real, he's gonna look at you and he's gonna be like, "Daddy, fucking liar." Yeah, and you're gonna be like, "By the way, stop calling me daddy." Yeah, it's another conversation.

He stopped.

He stopped calling you Daddy?

Yeah. Really? Yeah, he doesn't call me anymore. Why? I don't know, he just naturally stopped.

Is that heartbreaking?

Now that I think about it in this moment, yeah.

Wow. Shit, my bad.

Hey man, they grow up, that's it. And then I'll be free to hang out with you more.

I'll tell him. So guys, if anybody that knows Jason's kids that goes to school with them, please keep your mouth— if you're listening to this podcast, keep your mouth shut. Santa's fucking real for all you know.

If Jason— David, you're ruining his fucking life right now.

If Jason's kid brings it up to you, just be like, oh yeah, Santa's real, because I'm gonna be the one that's gonna deliver the bad news.

It's a huge assembly.

Don't you dare for a second ruin this for me. Um, no, but I think, I think it's cute. I didn't, I didn't know that Santa wasn't real until the same day I found out Santa wasn't real. Yeah, I found out people died during 9/11. I don't know if I told you this, but I think I have. I was, I was in my second grade class. I think I've said this story before. I was in my second grade class and the teacher goes, we're talking about 9/11 and we're sitting in a circle and I speak up and I don't know why I said this, but I'm like, at least nobody died, right? Looked at me like I was a fucking moron. This is a great story. And, and, and then I go home to my parents. I'm like, what's going on? And apparently people died during 9/11. Right. And then I'm like, and then I was just like betrayed. I'm like, what else is there? What else aren't you telling me? And then they look at each other and then they tell me about Santa Claus too. And I'm like—

What a double whammy.

Yeah.

No way, on the same day?

Yeah.

Look, I mean, while we're getting the cobwebs out, Uh, also Santa Claus is bullshit. What else? Tooth Fairy's fucking fake.

What? I'm so caught up on that one.

No, how could you even— like, when you tell someone that Santa Claus is real— like, I was Jewish, so they— my whole life, my parents, they— we would just fucking laugh at the kids.

Yeah, okay.

We'd be like, are you fucking dumb? A man comes down. This is when I was 8.

This is what I was taught, huh? Santa Claus wasn't really always legit, but I believed it for the Americans. Like, I believed it on the American side. What my parents always said, because they're from Slovakia, is that Jesus brings the presents. Ah, that he comes down, he puts it under the— he puts it under the tree. And it does sound, you know, stupid, but then they would explain it in a way which makes sense. They would go like, well, Jesus He helps us with our jobs. He helps us with, you know, living. He helps us with putting food on the table, right? And he helps us get you the gifts. So that's how they kind of twisted me into that. So if you, if you're wondering, yes, Jesus does bring you the presents.

It's good brainwashing. Did you enjoy church?

I could— I didn't like church because I had to stand.

Oh yeah, yeah, you told me this. You said this on our live podcast, which you wouldn't release. That was such a funny concept. I thought that was so funny. What happened? You did it live. You were talking about this this when we did the live show, but you— we don't release those because you don't like them. But this idea that you— that the standing— yeah, yeah, that bothered you. That would bother me too.

I didn't like church because I, I would have to stand up again.

No, didn't we just get up?

Yeah, because we would get up multiple times, and I would—

and I would always—

you get up in one day like 6, but it's like, it's like you stand up for an entire song or for— oh yeah, and then there's, there's one, there's one little procession that goes stand up, kneel, and then stand back up and kneel again. Yeah. And then go up and get your bread or get your whatever. Um, it would stress me out because I'd always be like, why can't I— I'm already here, I, I should be able to worship from home, so why am I here? And then I would be like, well, why can't I worship sitting down? Yeah. And I would always— I would really enjoy the part I would enjoy about church is we had a really dope priest and he had the best stories.

What was so dope about him?

He had really good stories. He was a cool dude though. Yeah, he was cool. Yeah, I didn't have sex with him, dude.

I wasn't saying that.

You're looking at me like weird, dude.

What, what do you— what do you have to hide? Are you like hiding some fucking sexual past? No, no, I was just— um, eHarmony? No, it's the best company. No, no, no, I've just seen cool religious dudes over the years. No, you look at him, you're like, man, that guy's cool, but he doesn't have sex.

He was— no, he's like a cool religious guy, and he's been around. Like, he's been to Africa. He's, you know, he's done the whole thing. Cool. So he had cool stories, and I always enjoyed the stories he would tell and the— and I guess the teachings that would come out of it. I enjoyed that part, but I just didn't dig the whole standing thing. And I know it sounds stupid, but like, if you go every Sunday, it builds up. Sure, it gets to you.

It's the same song, right?

Every Sunday? Yes, most of the time. Lots of times. And the best part was this— that was the— I don't know, I just— I just didn't get interested in it anymore. I just— it felt more of like a routine I would have rather had it be more casual as it being like this uniform thing. And that's where I got lost in the whole religion thing is because it was so uniform. It was show up to church, the first 30 minutes they do this, and then they do this, and then they do this. The only part that was cool is when he would have a new story every week, just like listening to a podcast for 10 minutes, and it was new every week. Every week it was like, I went on, there was a tiger that attacked our bus in a village in Africa. And then he'd talk about it, and we were like, holy shit, I can't believe this fucking happened. I don't even know if he made it up, but like—

What do you think about when somebody's like really religious and they like, they tell you and they try to like—

Oh, I'm totally for that. I don't care at all.

How does it make you feel though, like when somebody—

Oh, when someone tries to force their religion on me?

Yeah, like I got a DM about the show when we were talking about religion, and someone was like, hey man, I love the podcast, but I just got to let you know that God's the only way. You and David, like, you got to understand that everything comes from God.

That's so goofy. That's so goofy.

It's just like— does that make— but it makes you, um, it makes me go, oh, maybe I should look at that. And then, and then it makes me think, well, why are you telling me?

But there's so many religions, right, that like you, you— I'm totally— whatever religion you believe in, I don't, I don't care at all. Like, good for you. And I'll probably one day start believing religion again. I don't know. Yeah, I'm just a kid right now. Who the— what the fuck do I know? I don't know. Sure. But no, I don't care. I think it's weird when people try to force their religion on you. I think it's totally normal for someone to be like, "Hey, you should check out God. You should check this out." But definitely don't pin someone in a corner and be like—

This guy wasn't forcing it. He was more doing what you said, like, "Hey, you should check this out." Yeah, he was doing it in a fine way.

But I don't— yeah. No, I think religion, I have no problem with it, and I don't think people should have a problem with people not believing in religion either. I think it's just—

I have had a good time in Temple. Well, then good for you. Again, every time I'd go to Temple, I'd be like, oh, this sucks. But then it's the same thing. They'll tell a story like, oh, it's pretty good.

Yeah, well, it's, you know, it's hit or miss. But are you in need of great talent for your business but short on time?

I am, actually.

You don't have to get lost in a huge stack of resumes to find your perfect hire.

So what am I going to do then?

Well, you just need the right tools. You need ZipRecruiter, my man. Okay. With ZipRecruiter, you can post your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards with just one click, so you can rest easy knowing your job is being seen by the right candidates.

Uh, well, you know what the thing is, is that, David, it's hard to find good people. Think about how you found me, right?

Jason, it says, then ZipRecruiter puts its smart matching technology to work.

Talk about this. Where, where are you?

I'm, I'm on the second line. Where it talks about ZipRecruiter, and you should know this because their smart matching technology is amazing. It actively notifies qualified candidates about your job within minutes of posting, so you receive the best possible matches.

You read them so fast that I can't— okay, that's why ZipRecruiter is different. Unlike other hiring sites, ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on the right candidates finding you. It finds them.

You can even get a head start on the interview process by adding screening questions to your job post. To help identify the most qualified candidates so you don't have to waste time sorting through a stack of resumes to find the perfect fit.

No wonder 82% of employers—

80%.

No wonder 80% of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site in just one day.

I would like to announce right now that I'm going to be using ZipRecruiter to find a new co-host. And the easy-to-use ZipRecruiter dashboard—

it's like Kevin Hart is in there. Dave Chappelle.

ZipRecruiter dashboard lets you manage your hiring process from start to finish, all in one place. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

Find out why ZipRecruiter has been used by growing businesses of all sizes and industries to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results.

And right now, our listeners can post on ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free. Just go to ziprecruiter.com/nash. That's ziprecruiter.com/nash.

One more time, try it for free. Go to ziprecruiter.com/nash.

That's amazing. I love ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter, and I'm gonna be real with you guys, I think I'm in love with ZipRecruiter too, as well as Jason.

Well, this is a lot of information for me to take in. I don't know where my feeling— my feelings are all over the place right now. We're doing a podcast. I like you, David. I don't know if I feel that way about you.

We'll talk about it later. We'll talk about it off the podcast. Guys, we're having a live show in Chicago.

It's gonna be sick.

It's gonna be dope. We sold out of the Boston tickets and the New York tickets. So Chicago, we got a bunch of more seats. Guys, the tickets are going fast. It's been a day, we've sold over 1,000. Don't wait on getting these. Don't wait.

They'll go. It happens with every show. Yeah, there's people that go, oh, they're sold out, what happened?

Guys, we sold out the Boston show and it kind of took us a while to sell out, but once we sold out, I got a bunch of tweets saying, fuck, do you guys have any more?

It didn't take us a while. It took us like 7 days.

I know, but it took us enough time for someone to Who wanted the tickets, buy tickets. Yeah, that's true. But then I got a bunch of tweets saying, I should have bought tickets, do you have any more tickets? Well, right now I'm telling you, go buy tickets for Chicago. Guys, it's not even in Chicago, it's in Rosemont, Illinois. So if you're in the Midwest anywhere, you may be able to get on over to Chicago. It's gonna be a lot of fun. We have Zane coming, Corinna's coming, Brandon's coming, Todd's coming, Kristen's coming, and Scott is coming. Yeah. And then Jason and I'm gonna be there. It's gonna be a lot of fun.

A lot of surprises and a lot of different bits we're gonna do. Maybe. Yeah, we are. We have one big thing planned.

We do?

Yeah.

What is it?

Really big. Okay, I can't say what it is, but because I don't know what it is, I'm gonna chop your head off.

Um, no, guys, but you should, you should definitely come to the show. It's going to be, it's gonna be a lot of fun. Jason's gonna be there.

It's a 4, uh, 4,500 seats.

4,400. 4,100.

I thought it was 4,400.

Well, I think it's 4,100. It's gonna be 4,100. 4,000 people. Okay, 44. Who gives a crap?

It's gonna be good.

Just come. There's gonna be a bunch of people. You're gonna be able to buy merch there, new merch that I haven't even released yet. So this would be great, and it's just gonna be an all-out good time. Mm-hmm. And Jason's— Jason's gonna bring his kids to a restaurant after he makes money from the show.

With the money from the show, I will feed my kids a can of soup and some beans, and we really do appreciate anything else you can give.

Go ahead. Keep reading off the script.

My name's Jason Nash. It hasn't been easy being a comedian, but luckily the amazing David Dobrik found me in a comedy club and gave me new life.

Use the 3 adjectives.

Use the 3 adjectives. That's why godly, amazing, and beautiful David Dobrik is the best person that I've ever met in my life.

Now compare me to something. 2 similes and 1 metaphor.

Go. David is like an eagle flying with a remote control in his hand. That can make anything happen with this magic remote control, a lot like Adam Sandler in that movie Click. I think we should take the Adam Sandler thing out.

No, keep that in.

I don't know. No, I like it. Do you like it?

No, I liked all of it. I wrote the script.

If you too want to pray to the god of David Dobrik—

great, now you're forcing me—

tweet me @JasonNash and I will get you signed up and we will baptize you in Todd's bathtub No, guys, but we love hearing your tweets.

We love seeing your tweets. We love the whole thing. Sorry, got something stuck in my throat. Make sure to send us your tweets. Send us your images of pictures. And send us— go buy some merch.

Fanjoy.co/Dobrik. Check it out. I'm under Jason Nash Collections or something. I'm there. And I love you guys. And I just want to say thank you. And David, thank you. And David is leaving the show, and we're trying to fill some time here, so we reached 40 minutes.

We're both looking at the time and we have like 40 more seconds left and we're like trying to fill it in with the biggest bullshit. I'm over here like, say 3 similes about me.

Here's the truth about the show. We had a lot of discussions about it and I thought we would be start— we would do like this hour and a half long leisurely podcast like most podcasts. And David had a different concept, which was he wanted a fast you know, 37-minute, no more than 40-minute podcast. I want— I like his vlogs.

I want the shows to start feeling— the live shows to start feeling more like a late-night show, just a little bit, just with a little bit more variety rather than us just sitting down. Sure. So come— we're still— if you're coming to Boston and you're coming to New York, we were working out our kinks, and it's gonna take us probably 6 more shows till we got anything like perfect down. But just bear with us and realize that you're there for the startup process. And it's gonna be a bumpy fucking ride.

It's a fucking great show.

It's gonna be a—

I'm hilarious and you look good. What? What?

What? I'm gonna end the podcast now. Alright, bye guys. Tweet him @JasonNash and tweet me @DavidDobrik. Thanks, thank you eHarmony, ZipRecruiter, and our other— Dollar Shave Club. Dollar Shave Club. Holy shit, I have memory loss. Alright, bye guys. My name is Jeff. I'll see you guys later.