My Assistant Buys A New House

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where a young 24-year-old man completes the dying wish of a 46-year-old elderly man who, who wants to reach an audience before he passes and gives him a voice.

Jay, I have 3 weeks left to live. David, you're almost done. This has been a wonderful ride.

I do this for you, baby.

I appreciate every second.

When we started this and doctor said that you only have 4 more years, I knew we had to get on it right away. And I'm telling you, it's been a fucking journey.

I love every single person who listens to this podcast.

Your mom.

What's that? People are going to think I'm really dying.

Technically, you are. That's all the intro music. Guys, you just walked into the house and he was bragging about how much exercise he got. And he goes, and he goes, Jesus, man, I think I overworked myself today. And, you know, I go, okay, Jay, how much did you run? And Jay goes, Jay goes, 5 miles. And we were like, what, 5 miles? And he goes, okay, okay, 4 miles. And then, and then he was like, I biked 40 laps. And we were like, are you 40 laps? He's like, okay, 20 laps. And he wasn't even doing it intentionally, but just initially when he hyped it up, he like made himself sound like he was like doing way more.

I run on the beach and literally like 2-year-olds are going faster than me. Like, people just go, right?

Mommy, what's wrong with that man? I was reading this thing about Scarlett Johansson playing Black Widow. Apparently originally when she auditioned for it, it was her and Emily Blunt like in the final audition rounds or whatever, and Emily Blunt actually got the role first, but there were scheduling conflicts because she was in Gulliver's Travel. It was like a movie with Jack Black, and for the movie she was gonna get paid like $500,000 as opposed to like The First Avengers or wherever Scarlett was in first, she would have gotten paid $400,000. So it was a $100,000 difference and her agent decided to go with the one that paid more because she was going to make an extra $100,000. But if she would have stayed with the Avengers and she was Black Widow, she would have made a little over $100 million now. Oh my God. Oh my God. So it's one decision and Emily Blunt literally had it in the fucking bag. Could you imagine having it like you got the role? I'm sorry, I'm doing— I'm doing Gulliver's Travel.

Oh my God.

I'd be forever pissed. Yeah, dude, that would be nothing that could ever bring me out of that.

When they give her that Marvel contract, isn't it like several movies? So why would she turn that down? I mean, they must have— they must have told her it's just one movie.

Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it wasn't for—

maybe she didn't want to go that way with her career.

Maybe this story's made up. It's fucking a bunch of bullshit. But I have fucking seen this, so I don't know. And I have a credible source. It's a guy on TikTok named Charles. So this is— this is legit.

He also does some cool stuff with Mentos and Diet Coke.

Yeah. Okay. It may not be accurate, but that's pretty crazy. Hey, I have some good news. Nat, say the news.

I bought a house.

Oh, you got it. Congratulations.

Isn't that crazy?

Oh my God.

I'm laughing and then I start crying. That's crazy, bro. Natalie bought a $19 million house.

What?

Oh my God. That much?

Yeah, it's crazy.

That's wild.

Turns out she's been funneling money out of my account for a while now.

That's why he doesn't have that much. He's like, Natalie, where's all the money? And I'm like, I don't know.

Great. Now people know that I asked you the other day, where's my money? Is Todd going to live with you? How is that going to go?

No, Todd already has somewhere to live.

This sounds like you use that same voice when Todd asks you if he could live with you. Can I live with you? You go, no, Todd already has home. And you like it? Are you excited about moving out? Does it feel like you're going to become a homeowner? This is a big fucking deal, Natalie. I know you can have sex with whoever you want now, and I won't be listening. Not that I was before.

That was a big concern of mine. That was a big motivator for me to move out because now I can just have sex with all these different people. Yes.

Yeah, you're gonna— you're gonna run through Studio City.

I can't wait, man. Hello, Los Angeles.

Wait, wait, okay, David, you're gonna miss living with him?

Um, you know, I've been going back and forth on the topic of like whether or not I'm gonna be sad. Um, I'm gonna be living with Reggie, so that was like one of the big things. Like one of the— like the main reasons why I haven't moved out was one, like obviously it's really nice to live with friends and David's such a great roommate.

Oh my God, stop.

But now Reggie's here So like Reggie and I can live together. I have a roommate. I won't live by myself because I just— I get too scared living by myself. And then, um, brain fart.

And then, uh, Cheerios, the big box of Cheerios I had. Um, okay, so then you're moving out. That's exciting. It's kind of coincidental because I've been recently thinking about living by myself. Like, I just want to start living on my own now. I like when the house is just quiet and empty.

Are you talking about you have 7 people around you at all times?

No, I love that. I love that during the day, but like at night Like, I love when the house is dead.

You like that?

I don't know what it is about it, but it just feels like it's just like there's— it's starting to become like, you know how I like bread? Like, I like bread for the reason because I feel like I feel like I'm in the middle of a desert and I've just found bread and now I have to eat it and keep myself from starving. Like, that's, that's why I like bread is because it reminds me of like, it reminds me of that sound and that sound makes me love bread. I don't know how to explain it, but I like this weird kink about bread and now I'm starting to get that same feeling. Towards living alone.

You just sit here and cry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, it's, it's a lot less embarrassing to cry when no one's around.

I hear you.

But that's sick, man.

Where do you like to cry the most? Which, which parts of the house?

Usually just the restrooms. Yeah, it's an easier cleanup that way. You stay right over the shower or the bath and all the tears just go right down the drain.

Good luck, man.

Thanks.

So you got rid of Natalie.

Yeah.

Now you got to get rid of Ilya.

That was gonna be tough.

Is it huge?

It's not huge. Yeah, um, but it's, it's 2,700 square feet.

Whoa, that's huge.

It's, I mean, it's like a, it's a really good size.

2,700 square feet? That's the size of my house right now.

It's bigger than your house right now. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, you're a bitch. 2,700 square feet. It's different, but not as cool a view, right? No view.

No view. I don't care about the view as much as you do. I care about my space and my like style.

By the way, Natalie Natalie has an assistant now who is, who is Reggie.

Someone said that to Natalie today. She was working out. The trainer, Jillian, I was like talking about Reggie and he was like, wait, aren't you an assistant? You got an assistant?

He was like, how many?

Yeah, he's like, how many assistants you guys got?

It's like a family tree. It's like a big branch of—

gotta get Reggie an assistant now. That would be next. Uh, where I come in.

There's something crazy I found out the other day, which I'm surprised I I didn't know this. Taylor was a, like, a baby model. Like, she was like, on like, like she was in like, like a, like a when she was younger, like, what were you on? She was like on Pampers boxes and shit.

You just showed me that TikTok of the baby.

Yeah. No, I—

oh, and hugging.

It was a really cute baby.

And yeah, she was like, going for long, but she was going through like a list of like everything she worked on when she was younger. She's like, yes, she's like, yeah, when I used to go to auditions with my mom, I was like, what the fuck did you just say? Auditions with your mom? And then, yeah, Castings. Yeah, and it was just like, like, what are some of the jobs you did?

I did like a pool commercial. I remember the little bouncy ball that, you know, with the little handle, and it's a red bouncy ball and it's in those magazines and you bounce on it outside. Yeah, it was that.

It sounds like you were in a coma and you just woke up and now you're remembering it.

So when your mom took you to these castings, how old were you?

The first 10 years of my life.

Do you miss it?

No, I was like so into it when I was little, and then I, I hit that awkward stage, and now I don't even know how to take photos.

So it's so funny. I think that's why, like, that must explain why Taylor's such like a young person. Like, she's so like young and chipper.

Like, uh, that's what I was thinking.

Yeah, like that, that must have like frozen her, her entire like personality like in those pictures.

Well, I think I think what you do as a young kid is like very impactful on you for the rest of your life.

Yeah, I think that's what it is. Like, I think it like made such a huge impact on her where she's just like, she's forever going to be a kid.

No, I definitely had the personality when I was little. I think I just—

were you like, hi, I'm Taylor Hudson and I'm going to be— yeah, yeah.

I just want to be friends, you know? And I would like—

I remember just hanging out with Taylor Hudson and I'm auditioning for the Wells Fargo commercial. Or I could just be all of your friends. Do you know the story of J.Lo and how she invented— how she was like a— she invented the light bulb? She invented electricity. No, there's a story of how she helped come up with the idea for Google Images. Do you know this?

No.

Yeah. Like, so when Google didn't have images, she wore the green dress to that award show or whatever. You do you remember the green dress? Was it like as big of a deal as it was?

It really was a big deal for some reason. I don't know why, but it was huge.

Explain that to me. Why? Because it's just a green dress.

It was just this dress that like the media just couldn't stop talking about.

Really?

Yeah, it was the COVID of People magazine. And I don't know, it was like the first time— it was when like fashion and award shows like really came together and it became like a business and like an industry. And it's like everybody cared about it. They just loved that dress. Like Jennifer Aniston's haircut, that was the other big thing at the time.

Why? What was her haircut?

Something about this hairstyle. Well, Friends was huge. Right, and then she got this really great haircut called the Rachel, and everybody wanted that haircut.

Oh wow. Well, anyway, with, with, with JLo—

sorry, shutting down. What if he dropped dead right now? If he dropped dead right now, what would we do? Like, Nally goes over, she checks his pulse, and he's like, he's dead.

We call 911.

Call 911. Taylor, what would you do? Would you freak out? Would you be able to handle the situation, or would you be so stunned No, I would do my best to figure out what's wrong with him. No, I've declared it. He's dead.

No, he's dead. I'm dead.

I'm dead. Dead.

It's over.

Dead.

No, no, no. We rush him until they do that little thing where they put the iron on your heart.

I'm dead, Taylor. I've been laying here for a while.

We could get the waffle maker out and try to revive him, right?

That would be—

that would be enough about reviving me. I'm dead. What do you do?

I just don't think you would be dead yet.

Okay, who do you think would— who do you— who do you— who do you— okay, so you'd be in denial. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to get at. I would I feel like Natalie would be the best in the situation.

What do you mean? What would Natalie do?

She'd be psyched you were gone. She'd be like, finally, I win, bitch!

Yeah, she'd be like, you know what, I don't even think I need that new house. I'll just stay here. She'd cancel her house.

I haven't closed yet.

So, so anyway, J.Lo, the, the day she wore that green dress, it was so popular on Google that the people that run Google had to create a new section, and they were like, we need a place where people can just find pictures. And that's how they come up with Google Images, because that picture of J.Lo is so fucking popular.

That's not how you started the story at all.

How did I start it?

You told it completely ass David Dobrik backwards.

How did I?

Did you know J.Lo thought of Google Images when she created it? She went down to Google and talked to all the engineers.

She's like, you need a place to put pictures.

That was how you started the story.

No, I know. I wanted to give her fucking some hype.

I love J.Lo. You know, J.Lo, she only has 1,400 calories a day.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh yeah, that's another JLo fact you gave me the other day. Wow, we know a lot about JLo, or we're getting everything wrong about JLo and we're gonna get sued. Um, how do you live on 1,400 calories a day?

You can do it. I've done like, you know, 1,800 calories a day.

What do you eat, like dandelions? How do you get by with 1,400 calories?

You have to like get your stomach down. You have to like shrink your stomach to the point where you don't need food, right?

Oh wait, just protein?

No, like you can have like— you can have— you have 3 meals a day that are only like 500 calories. Which is easy to do.

It's like a Snickers. You have 3 Snickers a day.

No, there's no Snickers happening in this situation.

Yeah, you're having a piece of chicken and a piece of broccoli and that's it.

Explain that to me.

We used the word affluent the other day here. Someone said the word affluent.

That was me, I think.

Well, I saw it and he goes, am I affluent?

Yeah, you idiot.

He's like stuffing his face with Taylor's pork, sitting in like his— would I be really nice?

Well, yeah, I didn't know what affluent meant. What does affluent mean?

Affluent means you're rich.

Oh yeah. Yeah. And then I asked, am I affluent? I asked if I was affluent. And she's like, yeah, you're affluent. And I was like, Taylor, get down here. I'm affluent. I don't know. It's fucking crazy that I just learned a new word about myself.

We should get you that, that app where you learn a new word every day.

Oh, we really should.

That's good. But I feel like I know a lot of words. Like, I don't need to know more.

No, you don't know enough words.

Well, why would I need more? I have no problem communicating with anybody that I come across.

That is okay. Are you just— are you targeting me right now? I feel like you're personally attacking me.

Why?

Because you and I struggled to communicate. I mean, we communicate obviously, but just like sometimes—

all I don't have to know is yes, no, and more. That's all I need.

No, Natalie, I understand your pain.

Thank you.

We were filming with Zane the other day and he threw this word out, matician.

Zane said that?

Yeah, because, you know, because I'm like, I'm trying to be, uh— he's like, I'm trying to be, uh, maticious, like that.

And we're— I don't know what that means.

It's not a word. Oh, it's not a word. And I was like, what did you say? He's like, you know, being maticious. Joe was filming too, because Joe was filming, he doubled down because he didn't want to like look stupid. And then I like looked it up and I was like, it's not a word. He was thinking he was trying to say meticulous.

He's trying to say meticulous. Oh my God, that's so fucking funny. Did Joe capture all this on camera?

Yeah, he has it all.

That's so— is he gonna let him use it?

We left and I don't think Zane understood that he looked like a dumbass. Like, I think he really still thinks it's a word.

Oh, that's really good.

He does that all the time where he like uses words that aren't actually real words. But he also, like, the other day he was filling something out and he didn't know his age. Like, genuinely did not know how old he was.

Yeah.

And he was like, oh yeah, like, he like put— he put 29 down on the paper and I was like, you're 27. I was like, he like marked it wrong. I just genuinely did not know.

Oh man, I'm getting— I, I've definitely— I'm— Jason probably doesn't happen because we make jokes about it all the time, but I genuinely do not know. Like, when someone asks me, I have to think about it 100%. Yeah, because 24s are such a weird age. Like, I feel like you just get— like, you start— you stop caring after 23, and then you— it just gets all kinds of fucking mixed up.

Yeah, I wrote this down actually, Natalie. This was Zane on David's couch the other day. I'm 29, I gotta meet somebody. Wait, does anybody know how old I am? Because I have no idea.

You know what was really cool? I was working with a makeup artist the other day, and I had like makeup on my face. Yes. But this— he was— he's like a really, really famous makeup artist. He's like a huge makeup artist, and he only works with like really big stars, so I don't know how I snuck in there. And there was makeup all over my face, so you couldn't see my eyebrows. But he had to, like, put on new eyebrows on my face. It's hard to explain. And he's like, what do your eyebrows look like? And he, like, couldn't figure it out. So he's like, he's like, I forgot what your eyebrows look like. So he, like, Googled me real quick to see. And I thought that was so strange.

I feel like Googling somebody to Google images.

Yeah. Thank you, J.Lo. This isn't my story, but I thought it was really, really funny. This guy on TikTok was sharing it, and I'm going to tell it as my own, and it's not my story. I repeat, it is not my story. But he was in the car. He was like a college kid, and they were like at a camping trip, like a skiing trip. And they were having so much fun that they didn't— that they didn't want to come back for their Monday exam. So they're like, we got to come up with a lie for this fucking teacher. So they all— all 4 of them emailed the teacher and they were like, hey, hey, we can't make it to the exam. We got a flat tire. Sorry, we won't be able to be there till Tuesday. And the teacher emails back and he's like, that's all right. Shit happens. Not shit happens, but he's like, you know, stuff happens, whatever. Whatever, take the test on Tuesday. Tuesday they got there, uh, the teacher's like, okay, let's take the exams now. But the teacher put them in 4 different rooms, and he was like, that's fine, just so we don't cheat or whatever. He put the boys in 4 different rooms, and the first question was worth 5% of the test, and it was like, what's 10 divided by 5? And he's like, that's easy, that's 2. And the second question— there's only 2 questions on this thing— and the second question was worth 95% of the test, and it was, which tire had the flat? Oh my God, that's so good. It's so good. It's like the best story ever. I don't even know if it's real. Like, I think it's too good for it to be real. But when I, when I heard it, I was like, oh my God, this is amazing.

I just hurt my heart. Like, if that happened to me, I'd be absolutely devastated.

Yeah, but like, that's when you, like, just give it up and you're just like, this is amazing. Like, that's like, that's a cool way to go out. And, you know, like, the teacher is probably on such a high from coming up with that that he wouldn't even be pissed at you. He'll just be like, yeah, but it was dope. I stumped you, huh? Like, I think that's so sick. We got a new president, Joe Biden. Did you know? I'm like filling you in.

It's pretty cool, man. You're always on the pulse of everything. I love how you keep up with stuff, man.

I mean, a lot of people, this is their— this is the only news source they get in general, right? So I gotta make sure, guys, there is a new president for the next 4 years. It will be Joe Biden. Have to let you guys know.

Yeah, super fun. I'm, I'm happy that—

I'm just happy I was trying to not get political.

Yeah, bro, this is what I— this is what I take umbrage with you about. This is really— this is something I want to talk to you about. When you say you'll do this thing, you'll go—

before you go into this, Jake, did you see today I had a big revelation? Revolution?

Making up words. Here we go.

Okay, revelation. And it was, um, uh, when parents feed their kids, are they saying choo choo train like, like the locomotive, or are they saying choo choo like chew, like chew with your mouth?

Scott, um, responded to you on Twitter. About that?

Yeah.

Would you see it?

Yeah. He said, he said you would have slapped me for this a year ago.

And you would have. Yeah, you'd have been— you'd have turned the camera off. You just would have heard click.

Yeah. When I thought of it, I'm like, listen, I'm always trying to come up with— come out with like the new relatable stuff.

Yeah.

And I think I hit it on the head today. Um, it didn't do too well on Twitter, but I just know that I, I think I got it right. What are you gonna say?

I was gonna say I, I take umbrage with the fact you'll do this thing No one knows what that is. Like, say a word.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, and you'll be like, no one knows what that is. I'm like, you could figure words out, you know what I mean? Yeah, like the other day we were arguing about the word forward and you were like, don't use that word, no one knows what that is. You can figure it out.

Forward.

And then I asked, I asked Wyatt and Charlie if they knew what forward meant and they didn't know.

Oh really?

Oh yeah, did you write?

Yeah, you did? Yeah, read it.

You wrote my forward?

Yeah.

Oh my God. Oh my God, you didn't write it.

You're Jason.

First of all, guys, I wrote a book and I asked David to write a little— in every book, in every comedy book, there's always like an introduction by somebody close, somebody close to them. Usually it's somebody who has like, you know, bigger audience or whatever, or someone respected. Like if Bryce wrote a book, if Bryce wrote a book, Addison would write the foreword. Yeah. Okay, sort of like that. But anyways, David's wrote the foreword, he's gonna read it.

Okay. Yeah, here we go. It's— of the foreword is like something you put at the beginning of the book.

Yeah, like an intro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a stamp of approval.

Yes. Like, hey, right after the COVID and right before the book starts.

That's right.

So let's say there's 100 pages, it's probably on page 1. I mean, do we even have enough time to talk about the foreword at this point?

Well, I, I'm just so happy that you're— we have plenty of time. Yeah, let's just air it out.

You want me to read right now?

Yeah, read the whole thing.

Cover, forward, chapter, and then table of contents, and then— right?

Yeah, it would be the COVID You'd open it up, table of contents, and then forward.

Forward by David Dobrik would be on the COVID and what would be on it is what I wrote for you. Yes, you've been asking for a while. Yep, but I have it here now.

Yeah, so excited. Let's hear it.

I'm beyond— I'm so shy. I'm, I'm— I can't. I know people are listening. How about we save the forward for like a week or two from now?

Um, okay.

I haven't written it yet. Jay, what are you going to fucking do?

Okay.

The other day Jason texted me. He's like, I'm back from the mall. I said, what are you doing? He said nothing. Probably brainstorming some ideas. Is there a fun game we can play that would be fun to talk about on the podcast? And I said, like, right now? He's like, or whenever. I'm like, give me an example. Like Twister? And he goes, hahaha, no. Like, what's that game you guys play that's really personal? I've never played it, but I think you played it with Madison. You ask personal questions. I can't remember. And I go, are you trying to fuck me right now? And he goes, hahaha. Gross. And I go, haha, IDK, are you still with Joe? And he goes, no, he went home. I go, ah, okay, well, I'm down to do something. He goes, okay, great, I'm gonna do some research. Uh, great job today, that was awesome. I said, um, hey, you should have stayed later today, it would have been funny for your vlog. And he's like, I know, oh well. And I go, next time. And he goes, that would have been great. And I go, are you coming for meeting tomorrow? And he goes, yes. And then I go, this is the most we've ever texted. And he goes, he goes, haha, I know. And then I go, I respond, I go, why? It's the best. What did you all do for MLK weekend?

Oh my God.

Then I knew he was like, he was gone.

And then he goes, ha ha ha ha ha. And I go, ha ha ha ha ha. And he goes, ha ha ha ha ha. And I go, okay, I'll see you soon. And he goes, bye.

Text me more.

Oh dude, that was so funny texting you. Like, as I was doing it, I'm like, bro, what does everything come to? That was fun.

Yeah, I never, I never like to text you. You know why? I don't. You know, I don't like to text you because when I'm with you, I see how many people text you and how many people call you. And I'm just like, I don't want to be one of those people. And if you don't text back, yeah, then I'm just like, why don't you send me into a mood?

Really? Who cares if I don't text back?

Like, it's definitely not—

it's not that. Then I think you're texting back is definitely not personal. I literally just, I just, I've learned that over time.

But for a while, if you didn't text me back, back, I would be like, oh my God, he's mad at me, did I do something? Then I go check my story, I'm like, nope, nothing there. I can't imagine what I did.

Oh no, never.

What do you do here? Every time I come in here, it's exactly the same. You're on the couch, bro.

I feel unemployed.

In shorts. Yeah, always in like sweatshirts, and you're in a black t-shirt and black socks. That's it. Every— and covered in blankets. Every time. I never walk in and you're like doing something. I never walk in and you're like hanging a painting or, you know.

Right, right, right. Like I'm never like, just one second, Jay.

Yeah, yeah, I'll be right with you. Yeah, you're never on the phone. No, no, you're just always on this couch just kind of looking off outside into the distance.

Yeah, you know at the end of Avengers when Thanos snaps? Yeah. And, and he kills half of the Avengers. Yeah. And it was like so much work and he fucking like destroyed— he destroyed half the universe, and he put a lot of effort into it, and it took him like a good 2, 3 years, whatever it was. I don't know what the timeline was. And then after he snaps, he's sitting in this field just eating fruit, doing nothing. Yes, that's what I feel like. I feel like I literally have no purpose right now. I fucking— I cannot explain how much I hate this. I just sit around and I just do nothing. I was telling Taylor today, Taylor was cooking, I was like, Taylor, I was like— I was pacing back and forth by the TV. I was like, What do I do today? Like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? What do I do? She goes, well, you already posted a TikTok. And I was like, what is this new standard we hold me to? Like, this sucks. It sucks.

I feel the same way, dude.

I feel fucking useless.

I was playing tennis today and I was like, what am I doing? I'm like, Jack, I said, what are we doing?

I want to— guys, I want to go play tennis with Jason the other week. If that— if that doesn't scream Dave is in trouble, then I don't know what does. No, I mean, like, people fucking ask me. They're like, they're like, like, well, you know, why don't you— do you want to vlog again? I'm like, yeah, I fucking do. I just literally, I can't. And it's, and it's starting to get to me. Like, I'm like, I really, really, really, really want to go back to work, right? I really want to go back to work. You almost—

you asked me about vlogging yesterday, which I thought was like a step in the right direction.

Oh yeah, we were—

Natalie had her head up her ass. I was like, I was like, look, I was shooting her daggers from the back seat.

Yeah, we were going to Natalie's new house. She was like giving us like a tour of. And I was like, Jay, should I like vlog this? And Jay was like, what? What did you just say?

I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, do you have your camera? And I'm like, do I have my camera? I haven't fucking seen it in 9 months. And then I was going to vlog it just so I can have it for the future, like going to see Natalie's house for the first time. Yeah. But when we got there, we just, you know, it was just not the vibe again. We had to wear masks, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

It was once again like the pandemic was like even, even the moment where it's just us going to see Natalie's future house. House, like, I was already like, fuck, like, I'm not gonna film somebody with a face mask. And I just— I don't know. What I've realized is I get a lot less done when I'm not doing anything.

Yeah, like, David will do nothing all day and we'll be like, you know, you gotta do this one thing, one meeting, one call, and he'll be like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

But before— but before I was like, hop on this because like, okay, whatever, just fucking hand me the fucking phone, let me just get it over with.

It was one of 20 things.

Yeah, and I do like 40 things a day, whatever. But like, now it's like I have to do one fucking thing And it's the end of the world. Literally. Like, it's like, it's like, you know, Taylor's like, you, you have to get on a call about your license. I was like, fuck that. Can I just take it? Like, can you push it a week? Like, that's, that's what it is now. It fucking sucks. Yeah, I feel like I could do this for the rest of my life even though I hate it.

You're busier than any of us.

Taylor's the busiest out here.

The only thing that's changed about my life is that now I don't have to be sitting at the house alone. I don't mind it just because because nothing's really changed. Like, before the pandemic, things were very different, and you would vlog, you know, 24/7, so you'd be gone all day.

I'd never see Taylor.

So you like it because you get to see David more?

Well, and Natalie, and you guys. Like, you, you're here.

That is true. I never saw you before.

Yeah, when we were vlogging, we never saw Taylor.

No, literally, I would put the waters in the Tesla and I— and David would go, okay, bye, and I'd go, bye, and then they would come back at No, he would maybe come back at 5 and then take a nap on the couch and then wake up and edit, or they would come back at like 10 PM.

Yeah, I'd be like still there and then we'd be out and then we'd be like, okay Taylor, we're gonna go out to party now. We'll see you later.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna clean up.

Bye. Yeah. Yeah, there's one— I won't remember one time which was like the best. I don't know when this was, but there was one time I was coming home and I was like, I don't know, was I hurt or whatever? And I don't know what was going on. Maybe I was really tired. She like drew me a bath. Like she, like she got an entire bath for me ready.

No, that was like, it was literally 9 p.m.

and this is like the first time I've ever seen Taylor like at night or like, you know, for a longer time. Yeah. And she made a bath for me. She lit candles and she had Enya playing like, like out of the music. It was like, yeah, I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, it was the coolest fucking thing. It was like a bubble bath. I'll see you later. Taylor really takes care of me.

You guys watch the fight last night?

I didn't watch it, but just— I just saw the highlights. You know something funny about UFC? When you watch it, the first time I saw UFC, I was like— I felt like I was in like a futuristic movie.

I think Conor McGregor's a pussy, bro. If he's listening to this shit, like, I'm ready to fucking kick his ass. Like, honestly, fucking guys, let's go, let's go! What a win!

I don't want any part of David Dobrik. I don't want any part of him. The man scares me.

I heard him on the phone.

He's a beast of a man.

I was listening to views with my family and I had to cover my son's ears.

I didn't want—

I fear for my family.

The way he threatened me while sucking on an orange popsicle.

Yeah, man, if I saw Conor McGregor walking down the street, I thought fuckin' sock him in the face, bro. I should start beef with somebody.

That's Conor McGregor.

No, I know, but that's what sucks is like, if I— like, no one would even buy it, you know what I mean? Like, I couldn't— there was no—

you are athletic, you'd be okay to fight.

Well, if I was like Conor McGregor, I bet you can't get a game off me in a tennis match.

That'd be good.

Yeah, people would be like, oh, that makes sense.

That'd be fun.

Would you talk shit to I don't know. I guess the whole point— I always wonder, like, when those fighters, you know, how like they're face to face and they're talking shit. Yeah. Like, I wonder, like, I wonder like how much of it is an act. Like, it must be like 80% of an act, right?

Like, I guess. But like, what's— who's to say someone's not just going to clock you right there? Right.

Most of it, I think, is an act. It's like even watching the fight last night, like when, you know, Conor lost. I mean, Conor's a great sport, so he's, you know, going up there like, good job, man. It's just so funny because it's a sport where, like, you basically have to be pissed at that person. But like, you know, you're all in the same— it's like when, you know, soccer players or whoever, they play against each other.

So Conor was respectful the entire time this time. Like, it was not like with any other fight. Like, he was not talking shit. It was really bizarre.

Apparently he's changed.

He was really composed. Yeah, they said Khabib made him respectful. But I don't know. Regardless, I'm going to fucking kick your ass if I ever see you, McGregor.

Please.

Ding dong.

Oh shit. Who's at the door? You're looking for who? David Dobrik? I heard the podcast. I'm here to settle a score. One match of tennis and one match of me beating David's face in.

Would you get in the ring with, uh, Conor McGregor? Fuck no. Yeah, but you get— let's say like, let's say you were like, it was like a really hyped up fight and you got paid like, I don't know, $30 million.

No.

No, no. One punch. And how about this?

How about that?

How about, how about there's a guarantee where would you go and be murdered?

Would you go invite yourself to be murdered? Okay.

What about my face?

Huh? What about the face? No, no, like your face. He'll shatter bones in your face, but, but it'll never be like you're paralyzed. He'll never kill you. Nothing like that. But, but he'll fucking beat the fuck out of 30 mil. Yeah, for 30. No, really?

I wouldn't do it.

Would you?

100%.

You'd get in the ring with Conor McGregor for $30 million?

Are you out of your fucking skull? Yeah. In a cage?

Yeah. For $30 million? Yeah. I mean, I don't think you would, but especially you would. But, but, but, Jay, but, Jay, like, it's, it's not even like get in the ring with him. It's like take one punch from him because like after he hits me once, I'm done. Like, I'm going to— he can hit me 25% power and I'll be fucking on the ground.

So right when it starts, you just cover up.

Yeah. And I'll just punch right through my block. I'll just literally punch right through my arm and hit my face. Like, that's it. I'm not saying would I get in a ring with Conor McGregor and like, I wouldn't start training right now. If I had a fight in 2 years, I would just be eating chips. Like, I don't give a fuck. Like, I'm going to lose that fight no matter what. Like, I don't know.

But yeah, this lad's got a weird strategy.

He just wants me to punch him in the face.

You are kind of like a jock nerd. You're like, you're like a jock nerd.

Yeah, I'm like in between.

Yeah, yeah, I thought that the other day. You know who else is a jock nerd? Who? Jimmy Fallon. Uh, Jimmy Fallon, like, you could have a beer with, but then he also like geeks out over stuff, right? That's, that's, that's— you guys are a lot alike.

Thank you.

Yeah, I mean, I love Jimmy Fallon, but way more than you. What are you saying?

Why are you saying that like that?

I mean, I mean, I wanted to be clear if we were talking about him to say that I wasn't I'm not saying he's a nerd. I'm saying like, that's what's good about Jimmy Fallon is that like he's both.

Yeah, I think she's right on this. What about David Blaine?

He's kind of a jock nerd.

I don't think so.

No, David Blaine's more of a jock.

Is he? Guy's into magic. What are you talking about?

I know, but like, even though—

even the way he does magic about that—

even the way he does magic though is like cool.

Yeah, but the guy dorks out about magic and he loves magic.

The other day I went to Enterprise to get my rental car.

Oh yeah, this is so funny.

Oh yeah, yeah, I was thinking about that.

And so I was sitting here on the couch and I was looking at, you know, what my insurance covers, and I was asking David for his advice. And obviously he said the luxury, um, version, which is extra. So I went with the full car, that was the most that my insurance covered. And I went to go pick it up and I was like, oh boy, here we go, like I don't know, you know, it's just kind of sad still. So I talked to the guy and he goes, oh, we just got this Jeep. And I was like, oh, how much extra is it a day? And he goes, you're David Dobrik's assistant, right? And I go, oh yeah.

And go, well, yes, yes I am.

Yes, yeah I am. And I was like, yeah, I crashed the car, he got me.

And the craziest part about this is he gave her the free upgrade. It's— and it's because I gave his sister a laptop over a year ago. Wow, is that crazy? I surprised buys his sister with a laptop, MacBook, and it came full circle. Gave— got Taylor a good upgrade.

I can't wait till we're in like Slovakia and we get kidnapped and like we're down our hands and knees, bound and gagged, and the terrorists with hoods over our heads.

The terrorist takes off his own hood. He's like, hold on, Jason Nash and David Dobrik.

Yo, we're going to let them go.

You gave my—

you gave my cousin a PlayStation in 2018.

Let them go. Oh, you're a Carmelita impression. Made my family laugh for hours.

The only thing that got me through the bunker.

That's really funny, dude. That's really—

that's awesome though, Tay.

Yeah, I've always wondered that. Like, I've always been like so excited to see somebody like— like that. That's like my first like full circle moment where someone I've interacted with like came back back. I wasn't even really a part of it, but I think that's so interesting. Like, I'm excited to like see like a family we gave like $25,000 to, or like $50,000 to. Like, that'd be so cool to run into them in like 10 years and be like, what, so what happened? Well, we blew it on cocaine, or whatever it is. But I think I'm, I'm really excited for that. I'm reading a book for Spotify. Spotify reached out to me. They're like, we're willing to pay you X amount of money to read a book. So I'm covering the entire book. It's an audiobook. Oh wow. So you'll be able to to get the book Frankenstein, the literal book Frankenstein, the original copy, original 1930, original 1930 copy. And it'll be me reading the entire audiobook.

Bram Stoker's Frankenstein. Oh, that's Dracula.

Never mind. Yeah, it's like the original Frankenstein, and all the words are fucking so astronomically difficult. Yeah, like the toughest word, because it's from like a completely different time period. Yeah, and I'm reading this in a booth with the director, and I'm just like, every sentence I have to stop and have to go, what does this word mean? How do I pronounce this? And like, I did 55 pages yesterday and I was in there for 6 hours. 6 hours in the booth. I have 5 days to get through 275 pages and it's like, it's fucking—

I sound like you.

6 hours? Yeah, it's crazy. It's not even— it's not every sentence, it's every 3 words he stumbles.

It's every 3 words. It's like benevolent. It's like, like words, like words that people use just to sound more interesting now, but that's how people would speak before. Like, it's really fucking It's insane.

And like, and are they taking other young stars and having them read?

Class, that's the thing. Before, the director called me and he's like, hey, so are you ready for the shoot tomorrow? Like, and I suggest you watch these 3 Frankenstein movies and then polish up on these accents. And he gave me like 4 different accents to polish up on. And I'm like, Natalie, what the fuck? And Natalie calls Spotify and, and now he's like, I think that, I think the director doesn't understand that David is just this fucking kid off Instagram. And Spotify's like, oh yeah, I'm so sorry. I think the director thinks that someone totally else is reading for this. So we had to explain to the director that like, I barely know how to read. And Natalie literally called Spotify. Natalie made a joke on the phone with Spotify. What did you say?

I don't know. They were going back and forth and I was like, also, you guys know, like, he can't read, like totally kidding. And the guy from Spotify like thought I was dead serious. He was like, yeah, you know, that's fine, honestly. And like was trying to find a way around it. And I was like, I'm kidding. Like he can read.

Bro, it's so bad. I mean, It's, it'll, and it's really scary because the way I'm reading it, I don't know what I'm reading at all. I'm literally just reading words as if I was Siri, like reading, reading like what you just typed. Like none of the words are connected because I don't know what the fuck they mean. So it'll be like, the rain man reaches for the window. Like that's how I'm reading it. I'm fucking, I'm sounding these words out and I have no idea. But go check out this, go check out the audiobook.

It sounds great, man.

It's out right now. And it was really fun. I'm glad I did. It's the second book I've ever read in my entire life. And it's really cool that I got paid for it. So I'm pumped about it.

Or you guys just might want to just read it on your own.

Yeah, I mean, it's a fucking tough book. I'm going to just go to a random page.

I'm going to start reading. You can do this, Dave.

You got it. Hello, scary fans out there. We have a treat for you today. David Dobrik will be reading all 1,600 pages of the classic Frankenstein. It's Time by Mary Shelley. David, take it away.

Well, there are useless complaints. I shall certainly find no friend on the wide ocean, nor even here in Archangel among merchants and seamen. Yet some feelings unallied to the dross of human nature beat even in these rugged bosoms. My lieutenant, for instance, is a man of wonderful courage and enterprise. He laughs at seamen, bro. It gets to like words that are like so unnecessary. And the problem is I don't— I just don't know how to pronounce it. Like my tongue doesn't roll that way. Yeah. So like I can't say words and he'll be like, no, no, the accent is on the A. And I'll go, I go, and then I'll read it differently. I'll be like, our door. And he'll be like, no, it's our door. And I'll go, our door. And he'll go, no, it's our door. And we'll just be fucking sitting there and I'll be like, how do you— what the fuck is our door? What the fuck is our door? And I'll be like, oh, it's like our door. And he's like, no, it's our door.

What is our door? Our door? What does that mean?

I don't know.

Oh, like our door? Like someone's at the door?

No, no, no, it's our door.

It's A-R-D-O-U-R.

Yeah, our door.

Our door. I don't know what that means.

David's just like, you said there was the word season in it. I don't know why you said—

Oh, you recorded it? Send it, send it to me.

That wasn't— that wasn't— I didn't record that part, but I recorded it.

Oh, season.

Yeah, and he goes, see son.

And dude, I know, I know, I know how that sounded for Natalie, but it's when I'm reading it, it's S-E and then a dash and then it goes on to the next line. So I don't know what the word that's coming. So for a lot of the words I sounded like an idiot. Like it's like I'm like, see, asan. And it was just because the word was split up on lines. And then I'm like, great, Natalie thinks I'm an idiot. But this is not just how everything is written. And it was, yeah, it was really, dude, it was so frustrating. I was getting so angry in the booth. I was like, this is fucking stupid. Who fucking cares about this? Who reads like this? But like, I kept my composure.

But I don't know if this is it. I think I have like a short audio recording from you at some point.

Just go, hey, you don't have to pay me this much. I feel like I wouldn't want to take the money. I really wanted to quit, but I'm so, I'm so excited to see what this book is like because I'm just like, like, that's crazy. I'm going to open up the book Frankenstein. I read the entire thing. You could skip to page 190 and it's still me reading. Like, that's fucking crazy. Crazy to me.

What happens in the end?

I'm not there. I'm on page 55. Tuesday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, I'm in the booth. Are you fucking—

you've been reading it for 6 months.

The next 4 days I am in the booth. 4 days in a row I'm in the booth recording.

What's happened so far?

I don't know.

He just— oh, you read— you've read so far?

He wrote some letters to somebody. Okay. He writes letters to his fucking wife all the time. It's so frustrating. It's so frustrating.

He hasn't built the monster yet.

No, I've never seen the original Frankenstein, so I don't even know what it—

like, I know what happens.

The monster David's reading is Jonah. Yeah, is it—

the monster's name is not Frankenstein. The, the doctor's name is Frankenstein, right?

Oh, you're the one— I'm reading it. You're reading it. That would explain it.

That would— yeah, right.

A lot of people think that this creation's name is Frankenstein, but it's not.

Okay, I have like a little clip from the other day.

When he found the father inexorable. Inexorable. Yeah, the accents on the second syllable. Inexorable.

Inexorable.

Thinking himself bound in honor to my friend, who when he found the father inexorable. You know, he had a daughter that was like, you have to have David Dobrik read the book.

I can't pronounce inexorable.

I don't even know the accents on the second word. That clip that you just heard with Zayn and Heath was recorded like a couple months ago when I was shooting Frankenstein, when I was recording for the audiobook. And now the audiobook is out.

Jason has Shooting Frankenstein. He went in a booth.

Yeah, no, it was a big production with lemonade, thousands of people on set. That was when I was recording Frankenstein, and now it's out. Jason has the audio. You can listen to the full thing on Spotify. Me read every fucking chapter for like 7 hours. But listen to this. Here's, here's, here's a sample of it. I think it's so funny. Examining and analyzing all the minutiae of causation as exemplified in the change from life to death and death to life, until from the midst of this darkness, a sudden light broke in upon me. Remember, I am not recording the vision of a madman.

The sun does not more certainly shine. Oh my God. It totally plays like you're talking about the vlogs. Yeah, it's so funny.

Yeah. I mean, this isn't like— isn't that crazy?

A lot of big words in there, my man. You're killing it. I mean, we do the ad reads here and sometimes they twist you up.

That's why I've gotten a lot better at ad reads, because when I was fucking in that booth and I was just doing my thing, just spitting like it came to me and it was flowing. It was flowing. It took me, what, like 6 hours to do like 2, 3 chapters?

How did you find that tone? Like, I've never heard you talk like that. Like, you sound like you're at a funeral.

That's me reading. Well, because— oh, because, because like when I first started reading, I kind of read like I was reading a podcast ad read. Like, I was like, like, I was like, we see a group of girls and guys posing together in the middle of a packed house party. But then he was like, dude, just read the thing. And I was like, oh, okay. We see a group of girls and guys posing together in the middle of a packed house party. The birthday girl hands her phone over to an annoyed boyfriend. He snaps a pic and hands the phone back. Like, it was just kind of solemn. Yeah, it's just like reading. You have to read in a way where like, you're like, tell me, tell me, tell me what. Yeah, I mean, in case I ever get an audiobook, you probably won't because it's because it's only like the best people got it, right?

I see you're up there with Hilary Swank and Forest Whitaker.

It's like the top-notch people got it. But yeah, Jay, maybe one day when you get older and a little more intelligent, you'll be able to have your own. You'll be able to have your own audiobook. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for this podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Go check out Jason's merch. Go check out my merch. This is a book coming out. Get hyped about that. Posting a new vlog next week. Just kidding. All right. Well, I'll see you guys soon. Fuck you, David. My name's Jeff. Bye.