Meeting My Ex-Wife’s New Boyfriend

What's up guys, welcome to Views, the podcast where Jason's mind is running.

I'm running on empty.

And so, so is mine apparently. Let's just roll intro music. The intros are tough, that's like the tough part.

I used to like when you would throw out really something really absurd.

You want me to do that again?

Yeah, no, you don't have to do it again.

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason's goldfish died so he sat on it and and brought it back to life with the gas from his butthole. Damn, I really pulled that one out of my ass. But, um, all right, let's roll the intro music. Um, what's up guys, welcome back to another podcast. Jason's mom is sitting here joining us for a second week. Jason's mom, Mr. Nash. Okay, good. She's just sleeping.

She doesn't want to go. We've offered to take her, take her home because we can record these podcasts.

She loves sitting here and listening, listening to us record the podcast. I don't know what it is. I have a feeling it's me, Jason.

Well, she said the other day, she— someone was asking her, asking her about you. She said, oh, David's a great guy, although the other day he did try to light me on fire.

When was that? That was with the flamethrower?

Yeah, that was what you did with the flamethrower the other day.

Someone came up to me at one of our meet-and-greets and they were like, can you help me settled this fight, sure, with my boyfriend, and she asked, she asked if I stand while I pee. Do you remember that?

Oh yeah, well, you've been talking to me about that.

Yeah, because it could bum me out because I said, I said, no, I don't, I don't stand while I pee. And she goes, what? And he looks at me, he's like, thank you. She's like, what do you mean you don't, you know, you don't stand while you pee? I'm like, well, when I'm at home, I sit when I pee. I would never, I would never sit when I pee when I'm in public.

You were arguing this the other night with another guy, with Joe. Yeah, my friend Joe. And you were like, you were, you were him feel weird.

Joe, when he's the normal one, Joe was like, Joe was like, of course I stand while I pee. I'm like, are you a fucking idiot? I try to make him feel really bad about it. But, um, but no, do you sit or stand when you pee?

Uh, if it's the middle of the night or if it's like early morning, I'm really tired, I will sit down.

Sure, sure.

But most of the time I do stand. Public, always stand.

Always stand.

Always stand in public, right?

But have you— okay, when you, when you used to live at your parents' house, because that is when I assume your house was the cleanest.

Sure.

Did you sit or stand when you peed?

I would sometimes sit.

Okay, cuz your bathrooms now, like in your new house, they resemble public restrooms because they're so gross. So I would never sit there even though I'm at your house. But like, if I'm— you know what I mean? Like, I would never be at a friend's house and use their bathroom by sitting. But if I'm at home, I always sit constantly.

Do you read?

No, I don't, dude. That's the— that's my problem, is every time I get on the toilet, whether it's number 1 or 2, I'm always like, I'm gonna get on my phone. I'm going to be on my phone for like 20 minutes. I'm going to have some me time, right? But the second I'm done peeing or whatever I got to do, I get up and I'm like, I'm done. Let's go. Let's get out of here. I cannot relax on toilets. Like, like our friend Zane.

Yeah.

He'll be on there for like an hour and a half.

Oh no, that's not good for you.

No, he won't.

Not an hour and a half.

Zane won't even have to wipe by the time he's done sitting there because it just dries up and just falls off. That's really gross. I'm sorry. But no, I mean, I definitely, I stand while I poo. That's, that's for sure. I'm such a goof.

How does that work out for you?

It doesn't work out. I stopped doing that too.

I am always excited when—

hey, did you hear, um, you could just tell that that sentence that you just started was like not going anywhere.

No, I did have a bunch of things to talk about.

What were you gonna say?

Um, well, I have a funny story to tell you.

Go.

Um, Oh, so check this out. So we were at, um, I went away to Terranea with my kids.

Yeah, which is like a vacation spot.

It's a vacation spot in, in Palos Verdes.

And you lost them.

What's that?

You lost them.

I'm— yeah, and this is— I want to put out a call if anyone's seen my kids. Um, no. And so we were playing charades with the kids, and, uh, and I was with some other moms and dads and their kids. Yeah, it's like 6 kids. So this woman, one of our friends, gets up and she, um— and we're playing charades— and she gets movies. That's— it's a movie, and the movie is Crazy Rich Asians.

Okay, great.

Okay, so the woman gets up— by the way, this woman is like super liberal, like, you know, like fights for like all kinds of people, for people, for people who are, you know, I don't know, disenfranchised or whatever. She does lots of charity work.

Like, she's a, she's a politically correct woman.

Exactly.

Okay, great.

Well, she gets Crazy Rich Asians. Yeah, so She does movie, you know, she makes that motion like it's a movie. You know, she does crazy, she takes her index finger, she raises it to her.

I can imagine what she does for Asians.

She does rich, she does money, she takes her two fingers and like she's making money. And for Asians, she takes her eyes. Yeah, and she slants her eyes and everybody goes, oh my God, no, Sarah, no, you can't do that!

Was she drunk?

No, she wasn't. She wasn't drunk at all.

What did your kids say?

My kids, they, they just threw up.

They just, they just weren't paying attention at all because your kids are so sweet. I feel like if they saw something like that, they'd be like, Daddy, we need to leave.

So then, um, her husband was kind of giving her crap about it, and then she, she goes inside and she finds these two Asian ladies who are inside the restaurant and goes, um, And we see her walk up to these Asian ladies and we're like— she's like, I'm gonna go ask them. And she's in there and then we see her just talking and then taking and, you know, making her eyes slanted and stuff like that.

Oh my god.

And so now she's like talking to these two and I just thought— I just thought that was so interesting. Like, what did you think of that? Like, she was like, well, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with having a cultural conversation. Um, you know, that's how we get better. As a society.

What did they say?

They said, um, wait, what did she ask? First of all, one of them wasn't Asian, so—

oh God, she was Peruvian.

So that person was out of the conversation. And then the one Asian woman was like, yeah, you know, I guess in that situation in charades it is okay to do that. Well, I, I hate when people make, you know, slanted eye jokes.

Sure.

And I just thought that was so interesting.

So, so, so what you guys found out is racism is okay as long as it's during a game of charades, right? That's so, that's so interesting, I guess.

But again, we didn't find out anything. It's what one woman said.

How did— I'm kidding. How did the— how did the woman come back? Like, what did, uh, like, the woman that did the slanted eyes joke, what did— how did she come back? Like, what did she say?

She came back, she came back in and like ecstatic.

I told you guys.

No, no, she was just like, this is, this is how it's done. And I was like, I don't know if you just want to walk up to two random strangers and drop that on them while they're having, you know, Chardonnay.

She's just like, but this is how it's done. This is how you play charades, baby. You need to keep up or get lost.

Did you see this Cosby Show actor who worked at Trader Joe's? Oh, holy shit. Job shamed.

Yeah. So let me fill everybody in. There's a guy who was on The Cosby Show. Yeah, Cosby Show is huge, right?

It was the biggest show.

It was like the biggest show ever of all, like the first big— wasn't it like one of the first big shows?

Yeah, it was before Seinfeld, but at the time it was the biggest sitcom easily.

Sure. And this, this actor was working at Trader Joe's.

Yeah.

He played Bill Cosby's son-in-law and he was on, he was on a bunch of seasons, right? Like, I don't know.

Oh yeah. He was on a bunch of days. Jeffrey Reynolds.

Yeah. He was like on all the seasons basically.

And, and he was good on the show too.

Yeah. And he still acts to this day. Like if you go on his IMDb, he's, he works every year as an actor.

Right.

And someone took a picture of him working like the cash register Bagger. Oh, he was, he was a bagger at Trader Joe's, and everyone was like, isn't this the guy from Fresh Prince? And fucking everyone just went, everyone was just like, fuck you for taking that picture. Yeah, people blew, the internet blew up in his defense.

Yeah, he's on Good Morning America, which is awesome. It was good.

And he made like a really good point about, about like how every job, like he was like trying to explain, he's like, he's like, I'm not ashamed of like the job I do, and like no one should be ashamed of like the job they have, because every job has its importance.

Like, why do we value actors so much? Like, it's not that cool, you know what I mean? Like, like, I think working at Trader Joe's, like, it's just as interesting. Like, most of the time when you act, you sit around in a trailer.

I mean, that's an easy answer. I mean, I just— a random person—

I think people have it all wrong about actors and, and their value.

Okay, but I don't, I don't look at Brad Pitt and I think when I meet him he's gonna be able to fly. I just think it's interesting to see him because I see him on, on the big screen all the time and I want to see—

we're talking about like if he was working as an actor, then we'd be so proud of him. But because he's working at Trader Joe's, people are like, oh, that's all?

Well, because I just— because being an actor is just a sought-after job, right? Like, it's like, it's difficult, it's super competitive, while working at Trader Joe's is a little easier to get. No, I mean, that's pretty simple.

But I don't know, I think it might be kind of cool just to work at Trader Joe's and just hang out all day. You know what I mean? I don't know.

I'm not— I don't know. I don't know which one's better. I'm sure half of the people would love to work at Trader Joe's and half the people would work at— would love— your mom's whispering something and it's freaking me out. It has to do with status, she says.

Well, that's a good point. It does have to do with status.

But she was whispering and it sounded so scary. It was like, status, status, status. Um, no, but yeah, it does have to do with status. But like, it's— yeah, no, but I totally— there are— I have friends in school who love working at OfficeMax, who like, who live for that. They go to OfficeMax, they get out at 5:00 PM and they smoke the night away and they wake up in the morning, they do it all over again. Like, people love that. And if that's your idea of a good life, then, then have that be your life. Like, it doesn't matter. I don't care that, that you're not Brad Pitt, you know, if you're having a good time and you're having a good time. And I think that's like the point that he was making. It was like, he's like, don't feel sorry for me. I have a great life. I love my family, you know what I mean? Whatever.

I met my, um, I met my ex-wife's boyfriend yesterday again. Yeah, who?

What happened?

No, nothing. I just went over there to drop my kids off and like, I didn't know he's gonna be there, and he was there shirtless in a towel.

I can't imagine. Is he like ripped?

He's not bad. I don't know, I haven't seen him shirtless, David.

He's not like crazy shape.

I mean, I don't know, I don't think he's in crazy shape.

Sure. But yeah, are you still intimidated by him?

No, I'm not intimidated by him, but I, I don't think— I think intimidated was the wrong word. Threatened, I guess. At one point I was, or whatever, but it was, it was, it was the point of— it was good, it was good to go over there and see him there.

Sure.

You know what I mean? It was very like, oh, like, oh good, I'm glad I saw that. You know what I mean? Good.

I'm glad I'm never coming back here. What did you guys talk about?

He was very nice. He just said fuck off. He asked me about YouTube. He asked me about YouTube.

Oh yeah.

Cool. And he was really nice about that.

And you do YouTube, right? What is that like, making so much less money than me? Because he's a big actor, right? Mm, it's like a fairly big—

pretty big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he's not Leonardo DiCaprio or anything. Sure, he's pretty big.

Oh my god, we got— speaking of Leonardo DiCaprio, we got in the biggest fight. Who was it? Me and Jonah in the car about who's, who's more famous.

Oh yeah, yeah, you lost. You were just dragged down. It was Yeah, you're right.

I think I did lose that.

It's not hard to see. Oh man, I don't like to see you lose like that.

I know. The fight was who's more famous, Ariana Grande or Leonardo DiCaprio, right? And, and first I started off by saying that like a lot of kids don't know Leo DiCaprio's movies. So I'm like, every little kid knows Ariana Grande and every parent knows Ariana Grande. But then you brought up a good point, is that everyone in every country has seen the movie Titanic, right?

So people everywhere, even in like African villages They might not have Instagram, but they have— they have a DVD.

Yeah, it is customary for every tribe to own a copy of the Titanic.

And yeah, that was embarrassing to lose one to Jonah.

Like, yeah, and yeah, and then I gave in and I'm like, okay, you're right, maybe Leonardo DiCaprio is a little bit more famous than our friend.

Our friend Jonah, he's really funny. David and I went to the farmers market with him yesterday.

Oh my god, dude, the kid is fucking lost. He's not—

He's not dumb.

He's not dumb.

He's just lost.

Yeah, exactly.

He said to me yesterday at the farmer's market, he goes, he's just standing around, he looks around, he goes, what's the point of this place? What do you mean? What do you mean, what's the point of this place? So fucking dumb. Like, what's going on here?

Like, what?

Why is it— why is everyone here?

And we didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Yeah, but later we speculated that it may be because he was going to every table and taking free samples that we don't think he understood that you can actually buy the food there.

Yeah.

And we thought maybe he thought it was just free samples. And then he was like, what's the point of this? It's all free. I don't think he understood that. Actually, I don't know. That's such a stupid but funny thing. Like, that's exactly what you would hear Jonah say.

What'd you think of that candy you got yesterday with the vape cereal you had?

Oh yeah, I had some candy and it was like you bite into it and it's like filled with hydrogen or like nitrogen. Nitrogen.

Yeah.

Filled with nitrogen. So like—

And so when you eat it, smoke comes out your nose.

Smoke comes out of your nose because it's like frozen basically. And then I found out it— did you hear what I found out?

What?

Like there's been like reports of it like shutting down people's organs like immediately. Like it's really bad for you. What? Yeah, like it's really, really bad for you. Yeah, even your mom's nodding her head like, you stupid idiots. Yeah, so there's that. But football is back and SeatGeek is the smartest, easiest way to get tickets to every game all season long. Whether you're searching for a last-minute deal, planning a night out, or need to find the perfect gift, SeatGeek helps you find the best seats at the best prices, fully guaranteed. There's nothing quite like being there in person, and SeatGeek will get you closer to the action for a greater value.

You could speak to SeatGeek if anyone can.

Yeah, I mean, they just helped my dad get a brand new car. They're incredible. They're just— bottom line, just amazing company. I'm surprised that I even need to say this because I feel like everyone that listens to us knows about SeatGeek, but SeatGeek is designed to make your ticket buying experience easier than ever by searching multiple ticket sites and grading every ticket based on value, SeatGeek helps you immediately identify the best seats to fit your budget. And it doesn't end with sports. SeatGeek has plenty of tickets to concerts, comedy, and theater too. Guys, literally just buy tickets for anything, for anything on SeatGeek.

I got my Hamilton tickets when I was in Chicago. I surprised Trisha at the table. I was sitting there and I was like, she was mad at me because for something, and, and I bought them while she was talking to me, the phone underneath the table. I bought the tickets.

You bought the tickets while she was mad at you and you're like, watch this, Trisha.

Yeah. I went to SeatGeek, I bought them, and, and then a minute later I just held the phone up and I showed the two tickets and she was like, tonight?

And she started front row. I remember that.

But yeah, I mean, that's, that's amazing. That's SeatGeek. Just download the SeatGeek app and enter promo code VIEWS today. That's promo code VIEWS for $20 off your first SeatGeek purchase. SeatGeek, life's an event. We have the tickets.

It's a great deal. It's $20 off right away.

That's amazing.

Yeah, I feel good about this ad. Yeah, I feel really good about it.

We fucking killed that.

This is the kind of ad where you're like, no, I'm actually helping the listener right now, you know what I mean? Some of them you're like, well, maybe someone would go do this, but this one's like, you've got to do it.

How many of our listeners really need plush beanbags right now?

But I mean, $20 off. Yeah, go see Panic at the Disco. It's awesome.

You think they're gonna pay us more, like, if the ad— like, if the ad read is nicer?

No, no, no, it's purely a numbers game.

We should stop trying so hard then. We should just— we should just read the damn things. What happened recently, I really want to talk about this because it was so interesting. There's this whole like thing on Twitter that I've been seeing. People are— people put like a blanket over their little siblings and then they say a bunch of magical words and they take the blanket off and they pretend like their siblings are invisible. So they pretend like they don't see their siblings and their younger siblings freak out. So we did this, if you saw my vlog, it was on my vlog yesterday, we did this to one of our friends' little brother, his name is Vardan. We put him under a blanket, we said a bunch of words, we took the blanket off, and we pretended like he was completely invisible. His entire family was in on it. We were like, Vardan, Vardan, where are you? Where are you? And like 10 seconds into it, he just starts fucking bawling, like completely crying his eyes out. Like he's trying to, he's touching us, he's sobbing, he's like, David, David, can you hear me? I'm pretending like I can't hear him for shit. It's so, so incredibly mean. And then, and then I'm like, I'm like, I tell my, I tell my friend Bruce, I'm like, Bruce, take a picture with me and Vardan. And I'm like, Vardan, if you're in the room, come take a picture with me. And I like put my arm around him, but in the picture it looks like he's not in the picture because I took a picture previously with my arm just pretending to be around someone. So then he freaks out even more because now he really thinks he's invisible and he just keeps crying. He keeps crying. And then we finally— and halfway through this prank, I was supposed to text Jason to come into the house, and he was supposed to come in and he was supposed to be like, hey everybody, and he was supposed to be like, where's Vardhan? Like, just to add to the prank. But Vardhan was crying so much that I didn't even have time to take out my phone to text Jason to come into the house. So we felt so bad for Vardhan that we like, we stopped doing the prank and we put him back under the under the blanket, and we were like, abracadabra, blah blah blah, but we took it off and we're like, Vardaan, we see you, you're back! And he's crying because he's so emotional because he's so happy he's back in the real world. And then, and then, and then we're like, Vardaan— before we told him, before we told him that it was fake— we're like, Vardaan, you should go be invisible again. You should go be invisible again, and we're gonna call Jason and you're gonna scare him. And he's like, oh, I'm down, I'm down. But first, first he was like, first he was like, but what if I don't come back? And his sister's like, that's just the risk you have to take. That's what they say about life. You have to live it to the fullest. And he's like, okay, okay, yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it. But promise to get me back. Promise to get me back. And he's like doing the sign of the cross and we put him back under the blanket and we say, I'm going to have a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Bruce goes, my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right. And then we take the thing off and we're like, Vardan, Vardan, where are you? And then Jason walks in. And Vardhan scares the crap out of Jason. Jason's pretending to be scared, and then Vardhan gets so cocky being invisible, he starts running around and punching everybody. Like, he starts like pushing people like onto the couch, pushing people into the door, and like, and we all have to pretend like we don't see what he's doing. And he's like getting really cocky, and, and, and then he's like, and then we're like, fuck, we got to change him back because he's being a real asshole. So we're like, Vardhan, sit back down, sit back down. And he doesn't want to sit down. So Bruce, the magician, the fake magician, he's like, I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. So he walks out the door and starts crying again because he's like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please turn me back. Please turn me back. And we're like, Vardhan, if you are out there, this is your last chance. Go and sit back on the chair. And then all of a sudden, Vardhan goes over to the chair and he starts shaking it to show that he's by the chair. And then he sits back down and we turn him back. And Vardhan's like, thank God I'm back. Thank God. Got him back.

And, um, have you ever had anything work so well you had no idea it would work like that?

No, bro. I mean, we, we seriously fucked with him, like really bad.

You told me the idea and I was like, I think that would maybe work on like a 5-year-old or a 6-year-old.

He's 12 years old.

I didn't expect it to work on someone that old.

He's 12 years old. That's—

he's— but then again, like, you know, when you're around adults, like, it's— that's the thing, is there's almost do anything.

There's a bunch of adults manipulating one child. Like, it was really fucked up and that's why it worked.

Yeah.

Um, but it was such a harmless prank because he He loved it at the end.

Yeah.

Oh, and even at the end when we told him it was fake, he still didn't understand that he actually wasn't invisible. So, so like at one point he even asked us again, he's like, can you make me invisible again so I can go to Subway? And we were like, wait, what are you— what are you saying? You weren't invisible. And he's like, oh no, I know, I know, I know. He didn't understand that he wasn't invisible. I don't know, it was a whole funny thing. And then the day before that, um The day before that, we went into— I'll give you— well, we went— we got into a fight. Like, my friend group got into a fight. Oh, you don't remember? It was in the vlog.

Oh, I thought you meant like a bickering fight, like, like a group chat. I forgot about the major fight, the fist fight.

Yeah, this guy, this guy came up to us, and this is how it happened. This is fucking crazy. This guy came up to us and he goes, He goes, David Dobrik, what's up? And I'm like, what's up, dude? And then Todd says something, and then the guy goes, get the fuck out of here, Todd. And Todd goes, what? And I yell, Worldstar! Like, as a joke, I yell Worldstar. And complete joke. And this guy takes off his backpack and then later takes off his shirt and tries to actually fight Todd. And Todd's like, are you seriously gonna fight me? And he's like, hell yeah, I am. And Todd's like, why? And he's like, because you're a Lakers fan, motherfucker.

He don't have a Lakers hat on.

Todd had a Lakers hat on, and this guy was gonna fight him because he's a Lakers fan.

Where's he from?

I don't know. And it was— and this guy obviously had mental issues because no one fucking wants to fight someone for being a Lakers fan. Sure. So Todd wasn't gonna fight him back, right?

Was he drunk, the guy?

No, he wasn't drunk. He looked totally sober. And, and, and then it was— it was— he was by himself. He didn't have any friends, and it was like 8 of us, 8 of us guys. So like they held the guy back, they held him down.

And 7 and a half if you were there.

Yeah, 7 and a half. I had a camera in my hand, I was busy.

Um, but the old camera, the old camera in there, guys, I would have jumped in but I just got this new 80D.

Oh, I'll touch up on me jumping in, I'll touch up on this in a second. But, um, but yeah, so, so they were holding him back and then like they thought he calmed down and then they let him go and then we walked away and he came back and he sucker punched one of our friends in the face. Jay Boyce. And then we— and then they went down to hold him back again, and they thought they calmed him down. And then he came back again and he sucker punched our friend Scott in the face, and Scott was bleeding. And I'm like— and I'm like, oh my god, beating up all 8 of you. Yeah, and Scott's bleeding, but Scott doesn't want to hit him back because Scott's 10 times bigger than this guy. He'll fucking—

oh, Scott, what? I couldn't tell that from the video.

Yeah, no, Scott's huge compared to him.

Oh really?

He could have destroyed the guy. Oh, and Scott's like, I'm not gonna hit him back. Like, I'm not a fucking— like, this guy's mental. He's completely gone, right? And, and I'm like, I don't even want to film you right now, like, you're really fucked up. And he's like, no, no, please film me, please film me. So I turned my camera on and I filmed Scott, and he's completely bleeding out of his face. And, and all the comments on the video were like, you guys should have fucking destroyed that guy. But like, but like, when you're there in the moment and like, like, people were pissed that we didn't like beat the shit out of that guy.

You could never tell what the internet's gonna say, cuz I thought you were gonna say the other thing, like 'Why are you guys fighting at all?' and 'You should have ran.' No, people were pissed that we didn't like beat his ass. Really?

Yeah.

Oh my God, the internet's so fickle. I never know what they're gonna say because there's different sides to the internet.

Isn't one person— the internet is, you know.

But you're saying the majority?

No, not the majority.

Oh, not the majority.

No, no, no. But there was a lot of people that were like, 'You guys should have beat his fucking ass,' right? And like—

but that's just—

that's just—

it's so not true. Like, when you're in this situation, you're like, 'I can never— I just want to get out of here alive.' Exactly.

I can never justify a fight. I'm never like in like a fight scenario and I'm like, oh yeah, this makes sense. Unless like you're with your girlfriend and some dude fucking touches her butt or something, right? Like then I see like getting like really worked up.

I always imagined to myself like, okay, I could get into a situation right now, but I don't want to go to court 2 months from now.

Exactly.

You know, it's just not worth it.

And this is— there's 2 reasons I didn't, I didn't really step in. 1, 3 reasons. 3 reasons. Good. 1, because they had it completely covered. 2, because I'm the biggest bitch. And 3, because if the cops came I would be fucking deported in a heartbeat. Like, if I had— if I had a single— like, if I was involved in that fight, I'd be out of this country. Because if— because I have DACA, so if I mess up once, I lose it.

Really live your life like that with one mess up?

Yeah, because if you— if you get one thing on your record, you don't have a clean record anymore, and you lose your DACA, and then you get deported. You have to have a clean record to have DACA.

That speeding ticket—

speeding ticket doesn't count unless it was like a— unless it was like a serious, like, misdemeanor or felony.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. But yeah, so that's why I didn't jump in. Not because I was fucking— no, I'm such a bitch. I'm so— dude, I'm so scared of fights. I don't know what—

have you ever been in a fight?

No, I've never been in a fight. I don't think I've been in—

never?

No.

That's so crazy.

I've been in like fights with my friends, like where we go at each other, but never like—

I've like—

like I said, I've never like been like so angry at a person where I'm like, this is the only way this is gonna get settled is if one of us draws blood.

Have you ever had a wrestling match with your friend that got pretty heated? Oh, like it starts wrestling?

All the time. It— my wrestling matches would always end in boners. One of our friends would always get a boner, and that's what would always end it. Like, we'd have fights like during sleepovers.

And what?

Yeah, one of our friends, he'd always get a boner during wrestling, and it'd always be like, bro, what the fuck? Why do you have a boner? And we'd stop fighting and we'd stop wrestling. This was a serious thing. Yeah.

Why did he get a boner?

I mean, you know, he liked us.

He's just— oh, okay.

Yeah, he's a gay guy, but it was just— it's just a— it's the wrong time to get a boner, you know what I mean? Like when you're pressed up and wrestling someone. It's just— and he was probably horny because he was a young kid, so like, you know how hormones are. But, um, yeah, let's not talk about that anymore. I'm actually talking about myself. Yeah, so what? I had to stop a fight because I got a boner all the time. Um, what was your favorite team from, um— okay, here we go, guys. I'm about to read a new ad. And sorry, Stitch Fix. Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle. Just go to stitchfix.com/fuse and tell them your sizes, what styles you like, and how much you want to spend on each item. You'll be paired with your very own personal stylist who will handpick 5 items to send right next— right to your door. Right next to your door. Could you imagine? We're gonna send the items, but they're gonna be next to your door. One of your neighbors is gonna have all 5 of your items.

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I picked out my clothes already.

Really?

Yeah.

What did you get?

I'm gonna have like a real outfit. Really? You know how not put together I am.

Sure. Did you get a—

you know, I struggle. Huh?

You got a shirt that actually fits you?

This shirt fits. It's just when I lie down, my stomach pops up.

But yeah, stitchfix.com/views, guys.

Go check it out. This is a good one too. They'll style it for you. Yeah, you know, David used to pick out my clothes, but he's just been so busy.

Yeah, I have to give that up. But how's everything in your life? What's—

everything's good, man. I was just about to ask you the same thing. How's everything with you? No, everything sounds like you're back in the USC game and the UCLA game. Oh my god, bro, college season. Yes, David doesn't get excited for college football, but he just gets excited for college parties.

Yeah, I went to a college party the other day.

Yeah, and by the way, you'd be a fifth-year senior at this point.

Yes. Okay, and I did realize that halfway through the college party. That's one of the things I want to touch up on. First off, I was like, maybe I'm a little bit too old to be here, even though like I'm 22, so I'm— so I feel like I'm pretty young.

What about me?

Yeah, I forgot, I forgot you come with me.

I'm fine, and I'm fine if I'm with you.

And all my friends come with me, they're at 4 years older than me. Some, some are 50 years older than me. So, um, no, but, um, but first off, I felt a little bit old.

But second of all, it was, um, is that the night I was with you?

Yeah. Oh, what was—

you were in a bad mood that night.

Oh, let's bring that up.

You were the worst. That— I don't know what's going on with you that night.

What do you mean?

You weren't the worst, but it was just very unlike you.

I was just out of sorts. I was on my phone because I was— I— we brought up McLovin from Superbad.

Yeah, well, first we went to that party and you got really— you got really huffy that the guy didn't want us upstairs. Yeah, we went—

David, David, let me explain this. I like this.

Okay, go ahead.

We went to— okay, you explain it.

No, no, Dave was like, we're going to USC, and I was like, okay, you explained it wrong.

Let me do it again. So we were out.

Yeah, and this was not in the cards that I would go to USC with you, guys. You have to understand, hold on, hold on, where we live, to get to USC, it's like— it's literally like 40 minutes.

You're explaining it wrong. Go. Anyway, we were going to UCLA.

You're right.

Let's get the stories right.

Whatever.

We went to UCLA, and I know this guy there who lets us in a bunch of frat parties. He's Danny. He's the best. He invited us over to a frat. The frat was very welcoming, but there's always one fucking douche at every frat. There's always one guy who's like head honcho who just like needs to control things.

Let me interject.

Hold on. What are you interjecting about?

I want to say that I didn't want to go, but then I turned it around in the car. I was like, you know what? We're here. I'm gonna put on a good face. And then I got really into going, and I was like, David brought me here, let's just have a good attitude. And then I got super hyped up.

Jason was like super fratty, was really funny. I had a great time. We got into the frat house, everyone's super nice, they're very kind to us. And then Danny's like, let me show you upstairs. And we're like, and we're like, sure, let's go upstairs. And I start walking upstairs, and frat honcho head bitch walks up and he goes, He goes, you're not fucking going upstairs. And I'm like, and I'm like, okay, we're coming back down. And he's like, you bet your ass you're coming back down. That's what he fucking said.

That's not what you said. You said, okay, we'll come right back down. And you motioned that you're gonna keep going.

No, I didn't. You did. You weren't there.

That's what I was standing right next to you.

No, bro, that's not what happened. Literally, I was, I was standing with whoever I was with, and he was like, I don't know what's his problem. I literally said, we're coming back down. He's like You bet your ass you're coming back. That's what he fucking said. What the fuck does that mean? I'm on my way down.

And then another guy came in to say the same exact thing, and you could see in his eyes that he was bummed out that he didn't get to say it first.

And another guy came down, he's like, okay, Mark, you're already here. And then I'm like— and it pissed me off so much because you can just tell me to come down. Like, I'm gonna respect you. This is not my frat house. I'm not gonna be walking around wherever I go. I will respect your house. 'But don't be a dick about it. Just be like, hey, calm down.' And I'm like, 'Okay.' And I fucking left. I'm like, 'Jason, we're leaving. Yeah, fuck this.' And I left. I got back in my car and I'm like, 'We're going to USC.' So we went to USC. We were at the bar and we were waiting to get into the line of the bar. Someone brought up McLovin and I'm like, 'I love McLovin. He's from Superbad, right?' Yeah. And I'm like, 'Let me— I'm gonna DM him on Twitter, see if maybe he wants to shoot sometime because that would be hilarious.' So I'm fine— I'm sorry, on Instagram. And I'm trying to to find his Instagram to DM him. And then someone walks up to me, a girl walks up to me, and, and she goes, I'm, uh, I'm such a big fan of your videos. I, I just met Brandon, he's so cool. And I'm like, oh my God, yeah, Brandon is the best. That's what I said. And then I went back to my phone because I was typing this DM to McLovin, like I was in the middle of the, of the, of the DM. And, and her boyfriend, her boyfriend goes, really, dude? You really— she's fucking excited to meet you and this is all the fucking attention you're gonna give her? And I don't know what it got into me, but that bothered me so much. I was like, are you serious right now? I said that. I said it like that. I'm like, are you kidding me right now? And like, this is so out of my character. And, and I was like, I was like, I can't believe I'm doing this. And I said, are you serious right now? And he's like, yeah, what the fuck? And like, we just gave each other dirty looks and they both walked away and, and it ruined my night for the next hour and a half.

Yeah, it was—

I was so bummed out because then later, like, it took me like 5 minutes to realize I'm like, okay, I could have been nicer about that. Like, even though I was in the middle of doing something, I could have been a lot— because that's not me. Like, I'm super nice when I meet people, right? That was the one time I had like a weird reaction.

That is the one time I've seen you do that.

And the entire night, like, we drove away and I was trying to look for these people so I can apologize because I felt so bad. Yeah, but it ruined my night. And I wouldn't stop bitching about it. And yeah, this is such a stupid story. I can't believe like this is—

but yeah, and I, and I came to just to film for your vlog and I was like And I'm like doing that. I'm like tap dancing. I'm like yelling in the bar hoping you'll turn the camera on.

Yeah, and I couldn't, I couldn't film either at USC or UCLA because I had two little instances. And for some reason I was a really pouty bitch that day.

What do you think was going on?

I don't know.

I was just, I was just like a testosterone thing. Like you felt like, fuck you, who are you to tell me I can't go?

No, it wasn't. It was the opposite of testosterone thing. He was just being rude to both of these guys, had too much testosterone, and that's what was pissing me off. I was like, just fucking chill. Just calm down. Just tell me in a nice way. Why does everyone have to be such a dick, right? That's what was getting me angry.

Oh, I see.

It's because there's two guys, they were both— that both could have said something to me in a nice way, but we're both giving me attitude. And I was like, I am sick of this.

So if he came in and he was like, hey man, you know, listen, we don't really allow people upstairs. If you wouldn't mind. Yeah, just coming down.

He was like, oh, can you guys just come downstairs? I don't want to have people upstairs.

And yeah, we're not allowed.

Like, yeah, for sure, bro. Thanks for having us at the frat. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just, I just ranted about everything. Everything else is good. Didn't you— didn't this start by, by you asking me how have I been? I'm good, Jason.

Actually, hold on, let me do an 18-minute rant.

Let me tell you for the next 10 minutes. No, but yeah, that's what—

what's your plan? When are you gonna stop the vlog?

I don't know. It's such a stupid question. You know I don't know the answer. Stupid question. Just asking because we don't have anything else to talk about.

No, I thought— I think it's a great question.

What do you think I was gonna be— oh, what do you think my answer is gonna be? Like, November 22nd? Like, how do you think I'm gonna answer? I'm gonna stop the vlog when someone presents an amazing opportunity to me. So if you're listening to this, I have said this 50 times on the podcast, and if your dad or mom is Martha Stewart or—

or we met somebody's mom the other day, remember? We were doing that, we were at a show and this woman came up to us and she was like— oh, I knew who it was.

She's like like my mom is Courteney Cox.

Yeah, yeah, that's what it was, which is cool, which is great. Yeah, she was like, she'll do something for the vlog, but then we never got her number.

Yeah.

Hey, if you're out there, Courteney Cox's daughter and Courteney Cox— I like Courteney Cox.

Yeah, she's great, she's great. Should we call out other celebrities? Kim Kardashian was, uh, we recorded our entire podcast was dedicated to Kim Kardashian last episode. Yeah, and nothing, no feedback from Kim.

You didn't hear from her?

Well, no, I mean, we've been texting, but she didn't bring up the podcast.

Okay, and you don't want to be the one to bring it up?

I didn't— I didn't want to be like, did you listen to our new podcast? Right, because the conversation was just flowing. Yeah, she's having trouble with Kanye too, so I didn't want to like, you know—

what's going on with Kanye?

Yeah, same old, same old. He's, uh, he lost one of his planes in Bermuda. Yeah, the pilot fly again. Yeah, no, I told Kim you can just buy another one, but she's, she's all up in arms about it.

Good.

Yeah, she's trying to go to those remote control planes that he flies. Yeah, they're, they're pretty big though. Jonah wanted to— our friend Jonah wanted to buy a plane that seats one person and it's $10,000 and he wants us to buy it so we can shoot videos with it. It's like a serious plane. It's the size of a car.

Yeah, and he wants to fly it out of here.

Yeah, and he wants to fly it out of my backyard into the sky and I don't think he— I don't think he understands it's not a kite.

It was the first time I've ever heard you go 'that doesn't sound like a good idea.' That's not— you said, you said, 'That sounds dangerous.' It's like, well, that must be a bad idea.

David's saying that because it's so stupid. He thought, he thought that we can just get into this plane-sized car, or this car-sized plane, and like nothing— like, you can't— you, you like, if you land it and you hit something, you can kill someone. Yeah, like, it's not even like breaking up.

This is the guy who doesn't understand how farmers markets work.

Yeah, this is the same guy. He wanted Maybe he can crash his plane into the farmers market, and that way he'll get rid of both.

Have you done any exercising lately, David?

Of course not, you know that.

What happened? You were, you know, I saw a video of you the other day when you were running. You were, you were much more in shape.

Are you serious?

Yeah, it was like some YouTube video, like someone had interviewed you somewhere, like VidCon. I don't know where they interviewed you, but I was like, oh, that was back when he was in shape.

You're gonna bring up my weight like this?

No one said— I'm not saying you're fat. Fuck, I'm saying you were like, your upper body was built from running. You think?

Yeah, really?

Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying, I was—

I asked Natalie if I used to coach high school basketball. So did you?

I know it's actually elementary school, but same thing.

No, it's actually kind of— it's completely different.

Did I ever tell you about the ragtag team I had when I coached, um, elementary school basketball?

No.

Oh, I had the greatest team ever.

Oh my God, you'd be a good basketball coach.

I used to yell. I can save the story for next time. No, because we are at 38 minutes.

Go for it. Give it— give this to them.

All right, I'll try. So anyways, I was, I was late to sign Wyatt up for basketball. I was late. I was not there. And he's like, I really want to play basketball.

So you made your own team?

So I got down there and they're like, he can't sign up. And I was like, I was like, no, I was like, this is like, I'm gonna be accepted. I was like, you know, come on, like, just put him on a team. They're like, no, absolutely not. Like, they're just such jerks. They're like, if you want to field your own team, that's the only way he can play. And I was like, fuck. I was like, no, I don't. Because it's not like I don't care. I do care. But I think I care too much. Like, I get, I get angry and I yell and like, you know what I mean? Like, I get too into it.

I can't— like, like if you had a team, you'd get too into it.

I'm not a good coach because I like— it starts to mean too much to me that they win, you know what I mean? So I was like, all right, I'll field the team. So like, you know, to be honest, Wyatt was on the younger side. He wasn't like the best. He was like, you know, he was like— it was like 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, and he was like 3rd grade. So I show up the first day and like I get two Korean twins. Sure, who don't speak English.

That's great. That's out of a movie.

They're, they're like your height. They're both, they're both like 5'6" and they're like 11 years old.

Fuck.

Okay, they think they can't dribble. They can barely catch the ball.

Sure.

I get this Puerto Rican kid. Yes, named Manny. Great. Who like, like doesn't speak, but he's fast. He is really, and he can dribble like crazy. I get his sister Cynthia, the only girl in the league. Cynthia also doesn't speak.

Sure.

And, and then I get like— I literally get like the overweight kid. I get— I get just this ragtag team.

Great.

And fucking all ethnic kids.

Amazing.

The rest of the league is white. Okay. So whatever. So we start playing, and, and I realized that if I just put the two Korean kids underneath the, the rim—

yeah, you'll get all the rebounds.

Nothing— I can win every single game. So I just park the two Korean kids down there. They both wear goggles. Sure. And, um, and, and, you know, we start to get better. And this kid Manny, he, he gets— suddenly, I don't know if he wasn't trying during tryouts, I don't know if he just didn't give a fuck. And even the first day I had him, I was like, that kid sucks, whatever. I don't know, like, he won't get a lot of playtime. Yeah, I'm like, I'll just put—

he—

the second day he just shows up and he's just amazing. I don't know. So anyways, we start to crush in the league. We are crushing.

Sure.

And, um, and we even— I even had this, this great moment where, uh, Cynthia wouldn't go in all— she wouldn't go into the game. They'd be like, I'd be like, do you want to go in this, this, this game? She's like, no, no, I don't want to go in, I don't want to go in. And, uh, and, and I'm like— and so finally I said, okay, I said, you're going in this game. I'm like, you have to go in. She's like, I don't want to, I don't want to go in. And then I finally get her, so she's— she— I, I'm bringing her in, you know, and she checks in, uh, and she's just bawling, she's just crying going into the game.

This is like straight out of a Vince Vaughn movie.

Yeah, I know. She's— until she's running up and down the court crying, crying, crying. And then she, um, she got the ball somehow.

Buzzer beater.

And she just dribbles crying, and she just totally scored. Then she just threw the ball up and it went in, and she was just running down the court crying. So that was really cool. And then, but then by the end, the league, they, um, they came up against me and they brought me to, uh, for a meeting, and they were like, steroids. Yeah, they were like, they're like, what the fuck are you doing? They're like, you're crushing everybody in the league. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, this is the team you gave me. I'm like, what do you want me to do? I'm like— and they're like, they're like, well, it's not— they're like, all the coaches are really mad. It's not fair. You stacked your team with the greatest players of all time.

You're kidding. No.

And I was like, I didn't stack— I don't know these kids from anywhere. Anyways, we get into the— anyways, we get into the championship game.

Yeah, get the fuck out.

Really? Yeah, we get into the championship game and and I go up against these two dads who just are just out for blood. Yeah, they're just out for blood. And so, um, I remember just screaming that entire— I wanted it so badly, like I wanted to beat them so badly. And I don't remember if we won or lost, but— oh, okay, I think we won. Sure, I'm pretty sure we won the championship league championship game, but it was a great season.

Great story, horrible ending. All right guys, thank Thank you for listening to this podcast. It's been another Views podcast by Jason Nash, David Dobrik. Follow us on Twitter, follow us on— I don't know, just follow us, whatever, who cares. Yeah, go watch our videos, go buy our merch. My name is Jeff. We'll see you guys later. Bye.