Looking at My Friend’s Butthole

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where we're doing this one from Vernon Hills today. I got Jason and Ilya here. Jason and Ilya, say hello.

What's up?

What's up guys?

What's up guys?

Sound a little more alive, Jay.

Huh?

Just so the viewers still know that you're still rocking and rolling.

I'm on vacation this week.

You are?

Yeah, this is a chill week.

We weren't gonna do the podcast, but then he finds out we have one ad and there's an opportunity for some money and he goes, I gotta fly, I gotta fly to Chicago.

That is so not true.

Yeah, it is.

So not true.

Yes, it is.

Last night I was on the phone with your mother and you were the one who goes, Dad, "Ah, do we really need to do it?" And I go, "I don't know." And then your mother goes, "I don't think that's a good idea." She's an avid listener of the podcast. And what did I say? I go, "Yeah, it's not good to skip a week." I'm freaking here, what are you talking about? I'm losing money on this podcast.

Me too, me too. For this podcast, I have Jason here. He's my regular co-host. You're probably used to him by now. And then I have Ilya. He's my closest and dearest friend, the most important person in my life by far. Like if I was to do a podcast with anybody for fun and no pay, it would be Ilya. 100%.

It wouldn't be as good.

Well, I don't know about that. You think you're a better podcaster than Ilya?

We'll see.

Ilya, show them what you got right now.

Okay, go. Get on the mic. Okay.

What do you want me to say? I'm kind of nervous. Genuinely. I've never been on a podcast.

That was great. You think so? Roll the intro music. All right, guys.

That's what you're going to take to the iTunes top top of the charts? This guy? Really? How about a little respect my way, David?

He's likable, he's relatable, he's young, he's fit.

I'm all those things. You don't need to be fit on a podcast. It's an audio medium.

That's why it just helps me. Oh, it just helps me feel more relaxed. I can protect it.

Like, it feels like someone's gonna come in here and—

Yeah, like if someone was to bust into the studio right now, I would be taken care of because Ilya's here.

Was that true, Ilya? Would you take care of, uh, David if some snipers came in here?

If snipers came in here. Yeah, Jay, what are you talking about? This is the smallest room in the world. Why would anybody come in here with a sniper?

You presented that scenario.

If a sniper came in here— a sniper? Yeah, snipers for long distance.

Yeah, whatever.

Why would someone come in with a sniper?

Because he missed the first few times. Now he's got to come in and go for the kill. You think he's going to protect you?

Also, he missed from far away.

Yeah, you know why he missed?

Why?

Because I was blocking the bullets with my body, protecting you.

Oh, fuck. Okay, maybe I had this all wrong. Yeah, okay, so maybe I was I would choose you as my podcast co-host.

Thanks, man.

Ah, thank God he's dead. Ilya, finish this podcast with me.

Um, no.

So how's Christmas? It's Christmas time. How's it going with you guys?

We had a nice Christmas, Ilya and I. We just hung out, made some, uh, cookies.

No, you guys all had your own Christmases. How was it?

Mine was, uh, great. I was, I was getting phone calls from you all day on the vlog, but other than that, it was, it was fine.

Yeah, did those bother you?

No, it doesn't bother me. It's just hard to separate work from kids, that's all. Once I get into work mode, then I come back to the table and I'm like, fuck, I gotta book this flight. And they were all playing this fun game where they were singing. Everybody was having a good time and I just—

Yeah, I kept calling Jason.

I know why dads leave and don't pay attention to their kids.

That's what you got from Christmas?

Yeah.

Is I understand why people abandon their families?

Yeah, I got it.

Why?

Because it's just so hard to like drop in there and connect. It's so much easier to be like, I gotta work, see you later.

Oh yeah, so much easier. Yeah, that's kind of—

I mean, so it's just, it's a battle.

What was your Christmas I worked. Yeah, me too.

It was the fucking best day to work, 'cause like everybody's doing their own thing.

You guys are so lucky. I fucking hate both of you so much.

What do you mean? Our responsibilities is our work.

Yeah, but you can go to work and no one cares. You can go tell your parents to go screw. I can't do that. My father's looking at me like he only sees me once a year, and he's like, oh, what are you working on?

I thought your dad didn't like you.

Well, he doesn't, but you know, he's gotta put on a good face and make it look like he likes me.

Yeah, I don't know. I, yeah, I like the work. The whole working excuse is the best. I have a game we could play.

Okay.

I totally stole this from Jimmy Fallon.

Okay.

But I find it really interesting. Someone tells a story and you have to tell whether or not it's a lie.

Okay.

Okay, okay, you wanna go first?

Sure.

Okay, you tell me a story.

Okay, uh—

This could be the craziest story you have.

One time, um—

This is a lie.

What?

This is a lie.

Okay. You haven't even fucking let him talk.

Well, I just know already.

Yeah, but you can't say it until he says the story. Can you just be quiet and let him tell the fucking story?

One time when I was at prom, a lion came in and ate 7 of the kids. I mean, what the fuck, man? Make a story up.

I have one. When I used to live in Skokie, I had a friend, and he was a friend that I had in the same apartment building as me, so he was locally, he lived there. That's kind of all my friends forever, is just people that live near me. But we would play Battlefront Star Wars and Lego Star Wars. That was like our main thing on PlayStation. And one day he came over, my parents were not home, my grandma was, she was in the kitchen, and we were watching TV. I didn't have anything hooked up to my thing because my parents my parents would let me have PlayStation and my TV, but I had like a really old TV and it had like 8 channels on it. But we were watching a show, I think it was on Facebook, or it was on like E-Bomb's World. I don't know if you know what E-Bomb's World is.

Sure, E-Bomb's World.

Yeah, he pulled up a picture on E-Bomb's World and it was, it was a picture of a guy's butthole where the coloring around the butthole looked like Jesus Christ. Like the, you know, there's a little bit of coloring around the butthole.

It looked like the beard.

Yeah, yeah, not the beard, like the face, like the head and the hair. Like, that's what it was.

Butthole like fades in and out a little bit, right?

Well, regardless, it looked Jesus Christ. And we thought it was funny. So I offered to take a picture of, of his so we could see what his looks like.

You could verify.

So yeah, I mean, long story short, he pulled his pants down and instead of taking a picture, I just started— I poked at it once and then as a joke, I like stuck my finger in there and that was it. And we just laughed about it. But it's out. I mean, it's weird now, but at the time it was like super normal.

Who the fuck would lie about something like this?

I think it's true.

You think it's true?

Yeah.

That was a lie. Damn, that was good. As I was in it, I was like, holy fuck, I'm killing this bitch.

You've told other gay stories like that though, so.

Well, that's true. I mean, the same friend, I actually had a photo shoot with him where I took pictures of him naked. So that's the truth. But, um, but no, wow, that was pretty impressive.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Thank you. You see how I brought up E-Bomb's world? When I brought up E-Bomb's world, I knew that's where I had you guys. Yeah, you got a story?

Why are you constantly feeling your pulse? I'm not. Are you dying? No, no, no, no.

I'm just, I'm looking, I like looking at David.

It's like resting.

I'm looking at David, seeing your resting heart rate as you're looking at me. All right, go ahead.

Um, I have a story similar to yours.

Okay.

No, so I lived in, uh, in a townhome. It has nothing to do with the story, but I lived in a townhome in Vernon Hills, and my friend— I don't even remember his name, we were probably like 8, maybe 7— would always come over and we would have these like masturbation sessions where we would We would turn on like porn and we'd lay down on the carpet and we would rub our dicks against the carpet and then eventually come to the porn.

Okay.

Lie.

As I know you well enough where I would, I would have heard this story by now. I feel like I think it's a lie.

It's so true.

What?

Crazy.

And I've never—

Why have you never told me about this?

Never told anybody this.

Wait, what?

Yeah. We would lay down and like our dicks would rub against the carpet and it'd have this like feeling of like fucking somebody.

When you were 8?

Yeah, when we were like 8, maybe 9.

Were you guys on steroids?

Yeah, how could you even?

No idea, but like I was a horny motherfucker, dude.

Sure, yeah, when I met Ilya, all he would talk about is how he's so good at fucking. He's like, I fuck like a jackrabbit, I'm so good at it.

Really?

And he'd say it that quickly too.

When he was 11, he said this to you?

No, when he was like 14.

Oh.

That was a lie.

What was your first sexual experience?

Wait, no, no, no, don't skip this already. I wanna talk about his carpet fucking days. So what kind of a carpet was this? Was it like a thin, thin carpet, or like the one I have in my living room that has like— that would make sense. It's like softer and has more bristles.

Yeah, it was like a bristly, like thicker. Okay, it's not that crazy of a story, but no, but like we would like fuck the carpet, literally, you know what I mean?

Sideways?

No, I'd lay down flat and I'd fuck it.

Okay, like I wouldn't like—

it's not like, you know, like, like hip thrusting fuck.

And you guys would do it side by side?

Yeah.

And who would come first would win?

No, we just did it because it was fun, because we had nothing else to do. We're like, it's either video games or fucking carpets.

Yeah, I guess you're right, you know. So Mario Kart wasn't doing it for you. You're just like, let's go to furniture store and see if we can figure out something new to come on. Right on.

Hey, don't you have a podcast that you're going to be working on?

I do.

What?

What is it? Actually started his own podcast.

Is it out yet?

No, it's gonna be out today.

What is it about?

Technically, it's, um, recorded it yet? I did. I—

wait, no, we recorded it last week.

Yesterday we finished— yesterday we finished the movie at like 2 AM.

Right.

And Ilya goes, yo, can you watch this clip and tell me what you think of it? And I was like, sure. And I go, what is it? And he goes, it's a podcast. It's just like 45 minutes long. I was like, are you fucking serious? It's 2:00 AM. And he texted it to me again when I got home and it was like literally 3:00 AM. And he goes, hey, let me know what you think, smiley face. I was like, what the fuck are you doing?

Did you watch it?

Fuck no, bro.

Come on, bro.

No, I went to bed. It was 3:00 AM. You wet the bed? No, I went to bed. I fucked the carpet and I went to bed. What is it? What is it? What is your podcast about?

So it's like an entrepreneurial, um, advice slash interview.

Do you think you're in the position to give advice about entrepreneurship?

Yes!

Get the fuck outta here, bro! We were on our way to Miami and I had just signed the papers for my house and Casey Neistat was like, good job, man, this is a big step in your life. And then Ilya, who was drunk on the plane.

I was not drunk.

He looks at you and he goes, oh no, no, no, Jace, what the fuck are you doing? No, no, do not buy a house! Do not buy a house! That is the worst thing. Do not believe the hype. And I was like, what, what, what do you mean don't buy a house? He's like, buy condos. And then like I freaked out. It was supposed to be a happy moment. Is this the kind of things you're gonna do on your podcast? No, no, no, no, no.

I said invest in property where you move people in and you get income from them.

I am investing in the property.

Yeah, but you're living in it yourself.

I'm moving my kids in, they pay rent.

Oh, well okay, in that case.

By being in these videos.

That's right.

Anyways, it's an entrepreneurial advice interview podcast about people that have had hard come-ups.

Sounds like boring.

No, no, no, it's really good. No, it's really good.

You've only done one. What do you mean it's really good?

Give us an example of someone helped in the first episode.

I didn't know.

I didn't help people call in.

They will be calling in. Yeah, calling in or like DMing. And we'll be like, once this blows up, everybody's gonna be calling in. No, I interviewed, I interviewed my ex-employee on the first podcast.

Who you fired?

Yeah, twice.

And what was the interview about?

It was just about like why I, why I rehired him and why I fired him again and why I never understood why he got better after I fired him the first time.

Why he never got better?

Yeah.

And what did he say?

I'll watch the podcast. You're gonna handle it? I'll send you, I'll send you, I'll send you a—

Just say it right here.

I'll send you a 10-minute bit.

Okay, just tell me why he didn't like it.

He didn't improve because he was unmotivated, but my response to that was like, I don't give a shit how unmotivated you are, like, I'm paying you to do your job. You know what I mean?

Wow.

Maybe I should listen to this to figure out how to talk to Natalie about her job.

Yeah, you should have Dave and Natalie on.

No, it's really good. I will have you guys on. That would be a fucking funny-ass podcast.

Oh my god.

Okay, so what's the name of the podcast?

Take notes.

Take notes. I like that. You like it? I like that a lot. Who's your co-host?

Jeff. He's my ex-employee.

Oh, he— oh, he's your actual co-host?

Yeah, yeah, he's my actual co-host. He's actually a really smart dude. He's just super fucking unmotivated, but I hope I can change that.

That's great. Are you gonna have Demon on the podcast?

Yeah, when he comes back in January. Yeah.

Demon's coming back in January? He didn't tell me about this.

He told me.

I don't know. Didn't let me know.

Fucker. How's he doing, by the way?

Demon's doing great. Very serious.

Yeah? I heard he got his first gig.

Oh yeah, I got him a gig DJing. It's called Emo Night in LA. And it's pretty popular, so he's gonna DJ there. Yeah, I'm turning over a new leaf in 2020. I don't know if you heard.

What? What are you doing?

Maybe Take Notes can give me some advice.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna start— no more nighttime stuff.

You're gonna start waking up early? Like me?

I'm gonna be in bed every night.

My man. 10 o'clock. My fucking man.

Yeah. And then I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna work out 2 hours out of the day.

Yes.

And then I work till 9 o'clock and then I go to bed.

I don't know how the fuck David operates on a day-to-day basis. It blows my fucking— like, I'm literally going to bed.

Well, the videos are like a drug to me. Work for him. They really just keep him going, you know.

It's— no, it's like really insane. And for me too, I'd get up and then David would still be like out somewhere, like doing something.

Yeah, he gets up and so I could FaceTime him when he's getting up and when I'm going to bed. It's actually really funny. It's almost like we're in different countries.

Different countries. Yeah. Yeah, whenever I fly to LA, I fucking come back and I feel like I have jet lag. Yeah, fucking crazy.

Yeah, when I'm with David, sometimes I push through to this point where I'm like not tired anymore. Then the next day I'm like, oh Oh fuck. Yeah, like I can't believe I did that.

Yeah, man, you go to bed at a crazy time.

That's it, guys. Here's a new podcast coming. What is the podcast called?

Take Notes.

It's called Take Notes.

Why is that funny?

It's just so— because I—

it's a fucking good name.

Because I know your thought process when you come up with names, and it's just like, what is it?

What's the fucking—

what, you just go through like 30 different names?

No, not true. That came on top of my head immediately.

I just imagine you coming up with the name Take Notes and just like, yeah, yeah, Take Notes, right?

Thank you, it's a good name.

Um, yeah, his podcast called Take Notes. It's about, um, him starting a business and interviewing other entrepreneurs. Go check it out. Do you have any more crazy stories like that that you've never told me about?

It wasn't really anything.

Where's the craziest place you've ever had sex? Other than your parents' living room on the carpet.

In the lazy river at the Vernon Hills public pool.

Ew, get the fuck outta here.

After hours, yeah.

What do you mean after hours?

Like we like all jumped the fence. You might've been there.

It might've been you.

It might've been you. We like jumped the fence after hours.

What's up with that, sex with water? Why do people like that? I don't know. It doesn't work.

No.

How does that work?

What? My friend had sex in a hot tub once and he got a UTI and his dick blew up and looked like a cherry tomato.

No, no, it's great. You almost have like pressure around you.

That's the problem, is the pressure. It goes inside your pee hole and I think that's what fucks you, right? Isn't that how UTIs happen?

Yeah.

Or one way they can.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then it's just a really uncomfortable feeling.

Yeah, but there's no lubrication.

The water is lubricant.

The water is not lubricant. It's not soapy water.

Okay, hold on. Stop it. What happened? What happened where you had sex with this person? It was your girlfriend at the time, right?

Yeah, it was my girlfriend at the time. So we all went out on a Saturday night and, you know, we were like 17, 18 at the time. So we decided to jump the public pool fence to go into the lazy river.

Sure. It's literally right by my house. I know exactly where it is.

Right. So we jumped into the lazy river and, you know, while everybody was doing their thing, we decided to have sex.

And whose idea was it?

I don't remember.

And it was like, it was underwater. Yeah, so no one saw. No, people saw. Were they like, oh my god, they're having sex?

Yeah, but it was at night, so like it was just our friends. So yeah, and they were like, yeah, they were having sex. I mean, everybody knew.

Oh, and did you like finish? Yeah.

Was the guy there?

Fucking good.

Isn't that fucking crazy?

It's so gross.

It's really gross. But we were also like really, really young and dumb.

What was better, the lazy river or your friend's carpet?

This is a really sexual podcast.

They've been really sexual lately.

Yeah, they have. We should tone it back.

Yeah.

Well, I don't have any sexual stories, so we're good here. Really? Mm-hmm.

That's a fucking lie.

What was your favorite time you've ever masturbated? What was the craziest place you've ever masturbated?

I was looking at this guy's butthole in Skokie and—

Holy fuck, Jason, was that you? Um, no, right on.

Oh man, I saw a good porn the other day. Fuck, I wanted to tell you about it.

You guys text each other about porn?

Shit, no. Only when it's like real creative.

I feel like that's a thing to do though.

Only when they're real creative. Yeah. Jason and I are not the guys.

Sure, sure. But like, if I texted you porn right now, I was like, dude, you texted me, I'd be like, yeah.

If Jason—

I thought about texting you, but I was like, that's kind of weird.

You text him porn?

No, no, no, definitely text each other porn.

I would never send him a video. I'm saying like, I'll tell him about a porn I saw that—

like, I saw a funny one. A funny one was, uh, like Velma having sex with Scooby.

Yeah.

And people were dressed up in costume, and it was like Scooby-Doo, but they were having sex. And then there was one that like, it was like the Flintstones having sex. So like, there's like funny porn like that.

We were supposed to tone this down.

This is really funny.

Jason and I went to Chipotle today, and I know the woman that worked behind the counter, and she goes—

this was awful—

she goes, oh, you're here by yourself today. And Jason goes, uh, what am I, chopped liver? And she goes, oh, oh no, sorry, I didn't— he's just usually with a bunch of younger people. Well, Jason goes, yeah, that's the story of my life. And then she goes, so are you the dad?

Yeah, she kept going.

And now we're like, now we're in a weird spot where we have to like tell this woman that's working at Chipotle like, he's not.

No, no. Then David goes, he's my sugar daddy.

Yeah, I go, he's my sugar daddy. Like, how do you explain to somebody that no, we work together? Like somebody that doesn't know.

Yeah, that's all you gotta say. That's all you gotta say. We work together.

That sounds more suspicious. So I'd rather go, yeah, I'm fucking him. Like I'd rather just be like, say it, then why is that suspicious?

Ilya works with guys who are in their 40s.

No, no, I would never hire Jace. I mean, did David ever tell you when you guys first started hanging out, David would call me and he'd be like, hey, I'm friends with this older dude, is it cool if we bring him to the party?

You would call and I'd have to ask? You asshole! You asshole! Because you know what? But on the surface, he never made me feel once like I was— because I would say, I'd be like, are you sure it's okay? Then I'd come, he's like, yep, totally fine. No problem.

I got it clear with my friend.

We're good, man.

I never want to pull you into a situation where it's weird. So yes, I would always check ahead of time.

Just lie to me.

It's like when you have—

Then say that. Go, yeah, I had to call and ask.

No.

But don't make me feel like, oh, everyone can't wait to meet you.

No, no. It's kind of like when you have like a— you have a service dog with you. And you have to call the restaurant and be like, hey, can Sheppy come with me? He just sits by my side, he won't bark. It's kinda like that. But no, everyone, there was never anybody that was weirded out by it. They're like, yeah, cool, bring him by. But it is, it's the craziest thing. When we were in our friend Nick Salerno's basement.

Yes, I remember that.

It's the craziest thing to be hanging out with a bunch of kids in my high school and then you're sitting in the living room watching TV with the parents.

Oh my God.

And the craziest part is, is like, you're watching with the parents, you guys are doing your thing for like 2 hours just talking about stuff, right? And then I come up and I go, Jason, you ready to go? As if I brought you on the play date to talk to his parents.

So, and then I got to have that awkward break with the parents. I go, well, yep, I guess we're going to go now.

Yeah, I got to go hang out with the kids. Yeah, got to go, got to go hang out with your children now till 3 in the morning.

You guys have insane chemistry and it's such a unique relationship.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Tell David that.

No, really, I mean it.

He values our friendship.

Have you ever seen a relationship like that where it's like, you guys are literally what, 25 years apart?

No, we're actually 23 years apart, other than that.

Oh, 23 years apart.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty special.

No, I've never seen a relationship like that, but I mean, it's like—

I'm trying to think.

It's pretty—

I look for it all the time on TV. I look for older guys and younger guys that are together.

That's your Pornhub search?

Yeah.

Older guy with younger guy.

I do look for it.

Older guy mooching off younger guy.

Yeah, I don't see it.

Double penetration.

Hey, if anybody makes porn out there, you should make a David and Jason porn. That'd be really great.

Oh my God, yes.

That would be sick.

Put a black hat on the guy named David and have Jason just be coming in, hey, you wanna make a video today? Let's get some work done.

Actually, scratch that. I'd probably just get fucked through the whole thing.

Just, I have you tied up on a wall. Yeah, no, we do. We do have an interesting relationship, yeah.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

But yes, at first it did take a little bit to convince people that—

Yeah, I bet. I felt horrible. When you would invite me to Chicago, I'd be like, I don't wanna go there. I don't wanna go hang out with your high school friend. And not that I didn't want to, I'm like, but they don't want me there.

Now what's great is people ask for you.

Aw, that's nice.

Now people go, is Jason coming, is Jason coming? And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they go, fuck, thank God.

Well, your friends are really special people. I was with my dad for Christmas and he's like a tough jock, you know, like—

Yeah, he's like a hard-ass.

He's like a real hard-ass, like real macho kinda guy. And then he came over to me and he got me alone and he just goes, "Hey, what's going on with David and Natalie? Are they dating?" Like that. And I'm like, "Nothing. There's no deal. They're friends." He's like, "Come on." I was like, "What are you being Mr. Gossip all of a sudden?" Wow. Yeah, so then he brought up New Year's and I said, "Last year I took my kids to see, with JoJo Siwa, to a Queen cover band," which I thought was a really nice thing to do as a dad. And then I asked the kids and I was like, "Wasn't that fun that I did that?" And they were like, "Yeah." It was okay. I was like, fuck off. I was like, I skipped New Year's for you guys.

Finally, see, I'm grateful. Those little shits come hang out with us more, make videos. So, Ilya, I said this on the podcast last week, but the other day I was leaving my room and I heard something in the closet. Like, I heard something go like that in the closet, and I turned around to go see what it was, and I stopped myself, and I was like, fuck it.

It.

I'm not gonna go see what it is in case it's me from the future arriving to fix something in my present life. I didn't want to meet myself and run into myself and ruin my, my future's mission. So I just kept walking and I ignored what was in, what was in the closet. I want to know if you've ever had a situation like that.

I can't wait to see how you react to this story.

No, I mean, I've never had that situation before. I've never actually thought about it like but I love that like futuristic, like, Jesus, travel universe shit. I fucking love— dude, I was up until 3 AM.

Best friends.

I was up until 3 AM the other night just like looking at what is at the end of like, what's after the universe? Like, what happens?

Oh, it's turning into this conversation.

I like it.

No, no, no, it's, it's—

what does happen? No one—

I mean, nobody knows, but like the bottom line is we will never know because we can't comprehend the answer. Because the answer is there, you know, there has to be an answer, right?

Sure.

We're not smart enough to understand that. Yeah, I mean, it's like, you know, it's like you can't teach a dog rocket science, right? Like, it just, it just can't do it, even though a dog is pretty smart.

Think about it this way. Somebody told me this the other day. We're— our DNA versus an ape's DNA is 3% higher. Just 3%. Like, our DNA is 3% off. I think that's true.

Well, we're pretty good with this podcast for bullshit facts, so that would be one to add.

If that's true, think about how much more we know than them, like how much more we can comprehend.

Jay, did you think, um, do you believe in dinosaurs?

Um, yeah, yeah, I like dinosaurs.

I can't believe they were all wiped out. It's kind of bullshit.

Wait, hold on, continue the story about the time travel.

Like, what are the chances of all of them being wiped out?

Well, pretty fucking high.

You still have lizards, huh? Still have lizards.

They're like little dinosaurs, tiny dinosaurs.

Yeah. I mean, if there was dinosaurs walking around, they'd be wiped out even if they lived in the forest, you know? Like, you know, like, you know, like we don't see like tigers and stuff.

Yeah, like we wouldn't see a Tyrannosaurus rex.

Yeah, we just wouldn't.

Yeah, no, you'd see it. No, not taller than most fucking trees, bro.

You think there'd be Tyrannosaurus rex in Chicago?

Yeah, walking by Best Buy, a T-Rex.

You'd be like once a month, you think once a month?

Yeah, they'd be like, be on the news, like Tyrannosaurus T-Rex.

Yeah, like it's like a T-Rex, like T-Rex migr—

T-Rex snuck into—

guys, watch out, it's T-Rex migration season! They're all just walking through Chicago, everyone's in their homes. I don't know, what do you think life would be like if dinosaurs were around now?

Um, maybe, maybe they'd be domesticated. Oh, you know, like, I'd love to have a pet pterodactyl. Yeah, that'd be And then you'd— they'd come and take it away from you.

They would take it away from you.

You need a license for it.

But to get to my meeting so quickly— imagine if you just landed on top of the WME building and then picked me up.

And what do you make of this jetpack stuff?

I don't know.

I think it'll— I think it'll go anywhere. I think people will have it one day and like use it.

I think so.

Pretty interesting.

Jetpacks?

Yeah, what do you think of jetpacks?

I think that flying cars would come before jetpacks.

No?

Okay, you know what I don't get?

What?

This is what I don't understand. I don't understand. Huh?

Nothing.

I don't understand how in any world there's ever going to be self-driving cars. Could someone explain this to me? Like, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I know you can't explain it to me, but like, do you think that there's going to be a time where the cars are going to be driving by themselves?

Wait, hold on. Why can't you comprehend that? I feel like that's the easiest thing to comprehend.

It's already here.

Because it just doesn't make sense to me. Like, it doesn't. Like, I don't understand how a car can possibly— like, a guy throws a fucking beer bottle out the window, right? And like, something runs cone's in the middle of the road, um, there's a cone in the middle of the road that's not supposed to be there, right? Like, how is the car gonna know, hey, this cone isn't supposed to be there, or this cone is supposed to be there? Like, how is it supposed to make— like, how is it supposed to infer things that a human can piece together? Do you know what I mean?

I mean, it can sense that the cone is coming up.

I understand that. Let's say you see a cone in the middle of the highway. Yeah, I don't know.

Like, yeah, like, if, if somebody throws a beer bottle out, it's gonna do the same thing whether there's a car, there's a human in there, or if the car is operating by itself, right?

Yeah, the reaction time would be the same, just like the stuff— maybe better. I would have a better— yeah.

Okay, what if you see— this is a very, very—

he just loves to drive so much.

It's a very specific situation. What if you see— you're driving down and you see 10 teenage boys on the side with a, with a basketball and they're ready to throw it at your car, right? Right, right. I see it way ahead of time. I go, I'm gonna fucking stop. But the car does not see does not see that these boys are planning to damage your car in some way.

Can't see the mischievous look in their eyes.

Exactly, so what does it do there? You're sleeping in your car 'cause you have a long road trip, and now you get hit by a basketball that you could have avoided if you were up.

Yeah, the basketball hits the car and bounces off.

I know it's a very specific situation, but like, things like road rage, like, you know what I mean? Like, how do you—

I see your point.

How do you count for other people on the road that are thinking different things than you?

I don't think that it would ever be possible unless everybody had a self-driving car.

That's what I'm saying, everybody would have to have a self-driving car, and they all have to be hooked up hook up to the same system. That's the only way I could see it working. And then you still have like the outside variables, like somebody throwing something at your car or something randomly happening.

What about these Ubers that are gonna take over soon that you can just get in?

Oh, they have self-driving?

Yeah.

Oh, that's crazy.

You know what he's making the Tesla, right? What Elon plans to do with the Tesla?

What?

When you're, when you're not using your car—

Oh, you can like rent it out or something, right?

No, when you're not using your car, it'll leave your house, pick up somebody, drop them off, and it'll come back by the time you wake up.

Oh, can you make like $60,000 a year or something like that.

Yeah, he says you'll be able to make a serious income from your car being an Uber by itself.

Wow, that'd be sick.

It's kind of far out though.

Is it?

I feel like it would be. Yeah, I don't know.

I feel like stuff— I think people say stuff's far out and then all of a sudden I had a cell phone in my hand.

Yeah, I don't think anything's far out anymore. I think everything is right around the corner. I think cures are right around the corner, like for specific diseases. Yeah, I think, I think flying cars. I think all that shit is right around the corner because look at all the progress we made in just the last last 10, 20 years.

Cures are weird though because of the drug companies and stuff.

Cures, yeah, people just won't— yeah, they won't release them, right?

We— I went to, uh, Saturday night, Ilya, he's going to Chicago, right? And both of his assistants are gone, so he said, oh, uh, can someone take me to the airport? I said, I'll take you to the airport, you know, just to be like a nice guy, whatever. So we went in the airport, and anyways, we got stuck, and then he, he was like yelling at me the whole time. He's like, go Go in this lane! I'm like, no, I can't, that's illegal. And then finally this left lane opened up, which was legal, but I would have to go out in the left lane, speed for a while, and then cut all the way back into the right. But I said, okay, I'll do it. So I went into the left lane, and I go into the left lane, and then we start to move after being in traffic for like 45 minutes, 'cause he really thought he was gonna miss his flight. And he goes, he goes, yes! Yes, Jay! Yes, Jay! Yes! And it was the only time in my entire friendship that I'd heard him be excited about anything I did. Yeah, yeah, it was the only time he cut so much traffic. I did, I did cut a lot of traffic, and then I cut back in. You're like, right here, right here, right here, cut back in. Fuck these people, fuck these people right here. Go, go, go, go, go, keep going. And then I cut back in, and then turns out we were late because everyone was picking up and we were, we were going to departing. Yeah, once we got to departing, we were good. They fucked up.

We need to go around everybody that was arriving because no one was departing.

Whatever, that was the problem.

I was so excited. I called him Big Fat Daddy Cock. Jason.

Yeah, he called me that.

I was like, fuck yeah, big fat daddy cock Jason. That's how pumped I was.

That's the reason that David doesn't let anybody fucking drive.

Oh, I do that to him all the time.

Backseat driver.

I sit in the front seat.

I have to drive.

I have to drive.

I know, I hate when people drive my car, just anybody's car. I don't feel safe.

You don't feel safe? You're the worst driver.

I'm the best fucking driver.

Yeah, okay, if you're in—

I'm the best driver, Dave.

At the Indy 500, I'm sure you're great.

Listen, can I say something? Sure. You're the best driver. Great. I think I'm also a great driver, but I think that's just what kids say. I think that's what dumb kids—

No, I'm genuinely the best driver.

No, I think that's what dumb kids say before they get in an accident that brutally hurts them. I genuinely think that.

Do you say that?

Yes, because I think it's something about feeling immortal and like you can't die and like, oh, I won't be the one in the accident. But the truth is, Ilya, if you keep driving recklessly, you will be the one in the accident. Here's the thing though.

Wow, that came from David O. Hoover. No, no, no, no. Holy shit.

I mean, it's true.

That's a throwdown.

—on the road fast.

Here's the thing. I mean, Ill, we— me and you think the same way, and we both think that there's no way we're gonna get an accident. Hold on.

Do you— when you are driving fast and recklessly, okay? Sure. Do you look at everyone on the road and do you go to yourself, nobody sees me? Like, internally, are you thinking that you're invisible? No. I think that, and I think that's why I'm a good driver. What do you mean? Because I'm going like this. I'm going—

I'm never getting in a car with you again.

No, I'm going, okay, he can't see me coming fast, so I have to look out for him. Him to merge. Oh yeah, you know what I mean?

Yes, of course.

Yeah, you make such a stink about driving and you're the worst driver.

You literally hit things all the time. No, I don't.

Yeah, you have in the past couple months.

Oh yeah, the last— dude, last week I got in 2 accidents. Last week? Yeah.

What, going slow?

Yeah, I hit some guy's mirror.

Why are you not paying attention when you drive?

No, I am, man. I was totally paying attention. I literally just glazed over. I wasn't even like touching the navigation.

I just listened to the sentence you just I just said no, no, no, no, I am totally paying attention. I just glazed over.

No, I'm saying like I wasn't on my phone.

No, I'm not saying you were on your phone. No, you're not having been on your phone in any of the situations. You're just being a fucking moron.

I was just glazed over and I just hit it. Yeah, and then the other time, I, the other day, I hit Jason's Tesla, but I don't want to get into that because that's a serious argument. His car is fine, but, um, but yeah, no, I do think that we should drive more responsibly.

Yeah, especially on my motorcycle.

Yeah, that's a whole nother You have a motorcycle?

Yeah, it's fucking— it's bad.

Get it, get rid of it.

Get rid of it.

Yeah, no, literally, take—

come to my house, take the motorcycle and steal it.

Throw it out.

I'll be so happy because I would— I wouldn't go buy a new one because I'd be like, that's just— I don't want to do that. Take it.

You don't want it? I don't—

I, I love it, but I don't want it because it's so fucking dangerous.

It's so dangerous.

So, so dangerous.

And you don't even realize how dangerous it is.

I don't even wear a I don't wear anything.

I don't even— you know what I mean? Best case scenario is you break a leg. Worst case scenario is you're paralyzed or you're dead.

Who are these people that do— these guys, you would like— you, they just talk about dying just like you're gonna— no, I mean, I'd just rather die. You say it all the time. Oh, I'll die. I'll just die today. David says that all the time. I wouldn't care if I died. Yeah, big deal.

I'm curious about that shit. No, it's not bullshit.

I wish I was—

shit, I wish I could prove it to you.

It's a very selfish way of thinking though, because you have to understand people around you.

Yes, thank you. Yes, 100%. People, but if it was up to me—

Oh yeah, yeah, I don't care about myself. It's like my mom that I'm worried about. Yeah, like, you know, that's the problem.

It's like you both have really good lives. Really good. Not only are you like young, really good looking— No, not only are you, are you, are you young, but you're both successful and you both at a young age. I can't believe you're so flippant with your life.

What do you mean flippant? What do you say?

You're flipping with your lives.

I just don't think— And this is me being honest.

Guy drives a motorcycle without a helmet. That's stupid.

Why I hate that is because you can get in an accident and you're fucking paralyzed, and then you're fucked. I hate that.

No, not true. I can get in an accident with a motorcycle helmet on going 80 miles an hour or 100, and I would die regardless. It doesn't fucking matter. A helmet will not save me in a motorcycle accident.

No, there's a good chance that you'll live. That's true. Okay, listen, anyway, what I'm saying is, I know this, every time we talk about this, you think that I'm putting on some kind of a show or some act, but I don't think dying is this fucking horrible thing that everyone makes it out to be. Be like. It almost sounds— it's crazy that you think death is such a bad thing. It just doesn't make sense to me.

You guys are so young.

But how could you say that? You've never—

you won't think this way.

You've never died.

You've never died. You've never died. I have died. No, but like, listen, like, like, about 5 minutes ago. Granted, I've also never died, so I can't be arguing that it's the greatest thing, but I also don't think— like, this is all so fucking crazy. Like, look at everything that's like happening here. Like, none of it makes sense. So how can you already like rule out death as the worst thing ever?

I know, I think death would be fucking awesome, cuz you find—

that's pushing it. Hear me out.

You find out— you find out what the fuck is going on. I don't—

okay, I don't think death is awesome, and I don't think it's— I—

that's not what I meant.

I just think it's— I just think it's death. I don't think it's anything that you should be scared of, and I don't think it's anything that you should be excited about.

Throw away your life.

But what is that? What does that mean, you die? Like, like, you don't know what that means.

This life that you have, okay, that you've been so blessed with, like, you just want to throw it away?

You don't care? I'm not saying that. I'm not saying I want to die, Jay.

You haven't thought about it enough.

Jay, I'm not saying I want to die at all.

I'm not saying you did, but you're, you're talking like—

I don't know.

I'm not crazy. No, it's crazy talk. I'm sorry. I used to be the same way when I was young. Okay, yeah, I'm fucking dying. Well, big deal. What's the big deal?

Maybe that's like a young person's ego, just like with philia about driving, about how he thinks he's the best driver. Exactly. Maybe that's what it is.

That's what it is.

But that's my reality right now, right? So I can't, I can't tell you anything different.

Yeah, well, fucking shake it off and come out of this reality. It's a bad way to think. Okay, listen, there's people around you that care about you. What will Natalie do? What will Wyatt and Charlie do? More importantly, what will I do?

No, I'm not. It all comes to a head. I'm not saying I want to die. I'm just saying—

I know No, you're not.

I'm just saying that it's like, don't— I don't know, like, what happens when you die?

Let's not get into this.

No, just say it. Just fucking say it, because I love when you say it.

What happens when you die?

You're gonna go 2 against 1 on me. What happens? Then you're gonna go, Jace, you don't know that to be true.

I don't feel like I disagree. Also has a probably different reason. Go ahead.

Thinking what happens when you die?

Yeah, what do you think happens when you die?

Uh, lights out.

Okay, what happens?

Where do you go? Nowhere.

You're soul?

No way.

That's actually what you think? Yeah. So it just, just ends and that's it?

He thinks when you die, it's gone. Darkness. Nothing. You don't exist anymore in any way.

You don't even know that you don't exist. For sure.

You're just kind of like when you're asleep.

Like, yeah, you're just gone.

What do you think?

I don't know. I—

first off, let me attack Jason real quick. That is fucking crazy.

Fuck you for baiting me into saying this on the podcast when you know we've been down this road. I know.

I just think it's so insane. It's That's so insane.

Okay, we've discussed this, we've had an in-depth conversation. It's just what I think.

I respect your opinion, but do you respect why I think it's insane?

I do, I do, and I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say, if all this is possible, then why isn't an afterlife possible?

Bingo, okay, great.

Which is totally true, I don't know, you're right. You asked me what I thought, I fucking told you.

I'm just surprised after a couple months of being friends with you, I haven't been able to change your mind about that. Okay, Ill, what do you think happens when you die?

I don't know, but what I'd like to think is we figure everything out, like from our past and what our future's gonna be, and then you immediately get like reincarnated into somebody and you don't remember anything all over again. Sure.

See, Ilya could have—

Okay, so that's the same thing as me basically.

Well, what Ilya could have said is Ilya could have been like, I think you turn into a Twix bar. Sure. He could have said, I think you turn into a Milky Way or a Hershey Kiss. And as crazy as that would have sounded, the way it sounded, it makes sense because there's no fucking way, you know what I mean? There's no way of telling. So you're right, Jason, I'm right, I just like to know.

Me and Ilya could think the exact same thing. Sure. It's just that when the lights go out for me, they're out and I don't know that I've been reincarnated into fucking Mariah Carey.

This is the most pointless conversation in the world because all it is is opinions and you can never prove it to be fact until somebody dies.

Stop driving fast.

But yes, but to put an end to that, I do think that my way of thinking about death is super juvenile and I'm just young and I haven't experienced experienced deeper emotions like you have, where I'm just not, I just haven't gotten there yet. I think that's the reason I'm thinking the way I think about things. Sure. But that is my reality currently.

Let's make a pact to drive under 100.

I always drive under 100.

Oh, my man.

When I met David, I was like, whoa, this guy drives crazy. And then I met you, and he's actually calmed down a lot.

Yeah, I drive pretty slow.

He drives pretty slow now, 'cause he always has Carly and Aaron in the back, and I feel like he's like, ah, I got the girls with me, I don't wanna kill them.

Big difference.

Yeah, yeah, when I'm alone, when I have people in the back, when I have people in my car, I try to drive a lot slower.

Yeah, Carly and Aaron don't play that speed stuff. No, they don't like it at all.

Yeah, some people like, like really gotten mad at me.

Okay, sorry, sorry guys for that pointless argument.

I perplexed Dave the other day. He was like really upset about something and I said, I pulled out these two old phrases and I said, well, you know, one hand washes the other, and he was like, What? What the fuck? What the fuck are you saying? Wait, I know what you're saying means something. What the fuck does that mean?

No, that's not how I responded at all.

Yeah, it is.

You said one hand washes the other and I looked at you and I was like, oh, what does that mean?

No, no, you were upset.

No, I really liked it. I liked it from the second.

I love it.

Oh, you did? I love your phrases.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, 'cause I reuse them all the time.

Do you have any phrases? Go ahead.

My favorite one is, Illya, have you ever heard this phrase? A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. No, that's my favorite phrase. Say it again. A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush.

Like you caught the bird? Yes, basically. What's so funny?

No, basically the saying, the saying is, okay, let's say, let's say this. Let's say I want to, let's say I want to shoot with Kylie Jenner and she's free today and she's like, okay, I could shoot with you. But I go, wait, I'd rather shoot with Kylie when we're doing the science experiment on Saturday.

Oh, so you don't take the opportunity?

No, the thing is, a bird in the hand— you already have Kylie, she's free. Yeah. Why would you wait to get two in the bush when there's a chance you won't catch those two birds?

Right, right, right.

That's what I'm saying.

You have the opportunity, take the opportunity while it's there, right?

I love— yeah, take the opportunity even though that there may be something better around the corner. Like, you never know. Yeah, just take it now while you have the chance. I love that saying.

Kind of like this podcast. You guys were like, hey, come by, you can shout your podcast out. And I was like, I don't know, right? And then you guys are like, no, just come by, it might be good. I was like, oh yeah, You're right.

It's a bird in the hand. Kind of.

No, that's exactly what it was. I wasn't going to come by originally. I was like, I'll just do it later.

Yeah, that's right.

All right, guys, that's all the time we have for this podcast. Thank you guys for listening. I'm here with Jason and Ilya. Go check out Ilya's podcast. It's called Two Idiots Talk. Wait, what is it called? Take Notes. It's called Take Notes. My bad. It's called Take Notes. Go check that out. We'll see you guys soon. Follow us on Instagram, Twitter, all that thing. Go buy some merch. See you guys later. My name's Jeff. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.