Doubling His Bank Account In One Day

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where it's Christmas time.

Dave, people want to know, will there be stories about masturbating on this Views podcast?

Jason, believe it or not, I actually have a story about jerking off.

Oh my God.

It wouldn't be Christmas without a story about masturbating. Guys, buckle down. Get your family around. Turn the fire on. It's time to talk about jerking off. All right, roll the intro music.

Jack fucking woke me up at 7:30 today.

Jack Reed?

Yeah.

What did he say?

So have you ever been on East Coast time and you forget that you're calling the West Coast?

Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, I do that a lot. What happened?

Call me at 7:30. I was like, I thought somebody was dead.

We could say anything we want about Jack because he doesn't even fucking listen to these. That's the kind of manager he is. He just cashes it in.

Just to be clear, David, watch this.

Watch this. I'm going to go, Jack. Jack's a fucking pussy. Jack, Jack, you're a little little bitch. And like, I'm gonna ask him later today. I was like, just in the podcast, he's gonna go, yeah, it was great. He's not even gonna fucking listen to it. Speaking of Jack going to Miami, my friends and I were— I went to go visit my hometown friends, and we are having this— what they brought up, this thing which I'd never even heard of. They all, all three of them— well, two of them, Mike and Alex, jerk off on airplanes. And I never knew this was like a normal thing. I never knew this was a normal—

would be a views podcast without a—

no, I asked, I asked Alex, and I'm like, have you ever jerked off on an airplane? Because we were talking about where we've jerked off. Yeah, like this was our like 3 AM conversation. Yeah. And Alex is like, I've jerked off on a flight before. And Mike goes, oh yeah, I would do it every time. Or Alex— Mike goes, I've jerked off on a flight before. And Alex goes, oh yeah, I can't do a flight without one. And I was like, what the fuck? He had— he says he doesn't remember the last time he's flown where he hasn't jerked off. And he's visited me like 4 times in the last 2 years. So it's not like he doesn't fly a lot. That's fucking insane. He's saying like the altitude, like he has to jerk. Like, I understand you get hornier on flights.

I've never heard of that.

No, no. Okay. Because Joe, I've never done it or heard of it either.

Oh, I've never even had sex on an airplane.

Well, I think that's a little more crazy. But like, but when they were telling me that—

I don't— I think having sex with someone makes more sense than going in there and just doing it yourself. Yeah.

No, when they were telling me that they jerk off on the airplane, they were looking at me like I was the weird one and I felt weird. I felt attacked. I was like, wow, I can't believe I'm the odd one out in this story. And then I even lied to them and I was like, I was like, yeah, I jerk off just to cover my own ass.

You did take a flight back home, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, I did. And then the next day I flew back here. It was so funny. I was—

I was flying in a good mood when he comes to see you.

Yeah, I was— I was flying back here from Chicago. I was like, really late to my flight. And it was like, you know, it's the holidays. Alex is super gullible. He's really easy to convince of things. And, and he's like, dude, you're going to miss your fucking flight. He's like freaking out. And I'm like, oh, dude, it's chill. I'm flying Jabawi Airlines. Like, it's so nice. And he goes, oh yeah, that sounds awesome. Like, like a good, you know, a good 3 minutes went by and I was like, dude, did you think I was serious about Jibawi Airlines? And he's like, yeah, is that not real? And I'm like, no. And he's like, well, I don't know. I don't know what you fucking fly. He was like, he was like really pissed. There was one time, there's this place, this was, this is when we were younger. There was this place in, in, in my hometown. There's like different towns, like neighborhoods. And one is called Greg's Landing and we were driving through it. And I told him, I was like, do you know the story of why they call them this and why they call it this? And he's like, no. And I was like, there was this man once, he was a pilot and he was flying, he was flying from New York to LA, but he was, his gear, the gears weren't working in his aircraft and he had to come down and crash. And his name was Gregory and he was with his wife Amy and they crashed right here in Vernon Hills. And they didn't have enough supplies to continue the journey so they just set up camp set up homes here and they started building homes here and that's why they call it Greg's Landing. And he believed that story for like a couple years. He believed that story and that was really nice.

What'd you do when you were there? Just play video games?

No, we went to— we went— we played Spikeball. Have you ever played Spikeball?

Oh yeah, I love Spikeball.

I fucking bullshit. Okay, so let me set this up. My friends have—

it's hard.

It's really hard. It's really hard, but it's really fun and anybody can play it. That's kind of like the fun part about it. Um, so my friends we were talking about how much money we have in our bank accounts. And Alex—

classic David, classic David and the boys conversation. And the thing is, is like, I actually put— I put the guilt on the boys because obviously David's going to have that conversation. It's like the boys forget, like they want to have that conversation again. I just think they know what it is.

So yeah, I found out that they have— they each have— actually, they all have the exact same amount in their bank account. $6,000. It's like $6,400. Okay. And I'm telling you this because—

and they're all living together.

Yeah, they're all living together. I got them an apartment there. Well, they don't pay the rent because I got them the apartment, right? We went to go play spikeball and I was like— and I was like to John and Mike, I was like, let's make a bet. Like, if you beat me and Ilya, I'll give you guys $1,000 each. Yeah. And if we win, you owe me $250 because I was like, that's fair. Like, I wanted to like ratio it so it's not like fucking fair at all.

Okay, well, regardless, because that would, that would mean you have $24,000 in your bank account regardless.

I wanted to ratio and make it work, whatever. We played a game and they fucking won. Oh, and I was fucking mind blown. So I was mind blown. This is Mike and John beating me and Ilya. Ilya's so horrible at Spikeball. Ilya is one of the worst players I've ever seen.

And Also, Mike and John are like bigger guys.

Yeah, they're bigger guys.

So I can't imagine they move as well as you.

So they get to play all the time.

I know, I know, I know, I know. They play a lot. So I was like, fuck this, double or nothing. And we played again and they fucking won again. Now they have fucking $2,000 a piece, which is huge for them. And then I was like, and then, and then Ilya— this is the second time we lost and every time we play, it's best 2 out of 3 games. And now Ilya is like in tears. And he's like, he's like, not tears. No, he is. He's tearing up because he feels like such a loser.

He's not here to defend himself.

No, no, no, no, I'm not, I'm not making this up. He's like, I feel like a loser. I cannot win at everything. I'm so— he was like, he's crying to me. He's like, I'm so bad at sports. Like, I can't— the only sport I'm good at is running, and I can only do it in a straight line.

I'm so short and you're so much better looking, David.

It's— no, but it's, it's really funny because I wish Ilya was here to say the same thing, but he's just really bad at sports. For how athletic he is, there is not a sport that he can play well. It's so funny. I'm not fucking with you. So he's crying. He's like, we have to go again. Like, just for my fucking ego. Like, I can't do this. I can't do this again. So I was like, okay, fine. So we said double or nothing again. And this, this was for, for them to win $3,000 in total. So $3,000 each.. And, and, and they were like, no, nowhere. We're not fucking playing this. We don't want to take any more money from you. Like, they're really good at that. They're like, this is stupid. Like, fuck this. This is going to ruin our friendship. Like, we don't want to take money. And I was like— and Ilya was like, fuck you, fuck you. If you don't take this bet, I'm just going to give you $3,000 right now anyway. So, so whatever you want, you better take the fucking bet. Ilya was so fucking furious. He's like, we got to fucking play this. And we lost. We lost. We lost again. We lost again. And this was— this is the game where we were like, deadass, this is the last bet. And take it or leave it, like, whatever. So we lost and we're like, we got to go home. Ilya's so fucking pissed. I just think it's funny because I was like, well, that was the bet that was— that made it enough for me to talk about this on the podcast. So I'm good. So like, I have a story out of it. Ilya's fucking furious and we're walking out, we have all our stuff. And I was like, well, technically that was our last game because we deadass were leaving. And I was like, how about we go back in there? And we play for $3,000. I'll give you $3,000 if you win, and you give me $3,000 if I win. Yeah. And, and Ilya was like, that's a brilliant idea. Like, that doesn't interfere with our deadass. So we convinced the boys after like 30 minutes, they do not want to play anymore. They're like, we're not playing this anymore. We're done. So now we're playing for $3,000 apiece and we lose that game. So, and that was like the final— that was the final, final game. Like, I was like, we're going home after this. So each of the boys walked away with $6,000.

Wow.

From the gym that day. Yeah. Which is what— it's literally their bank account. Right after we were— we went to go get pizza and John was late to go hang out with his family and we're waiting for the pizza outside the pizza place and his family calls him like, where are you? And, and John's like, I'm coming, I'm coming, we're waiting for pizza. And John hangs up the phone and he looks at me and he goes, he goes, really? We had to play a third game. Now I'm late for dinner with my family. We just doubled your bank account and you're gonna fucking bitch about being 20 minutes to dinner with your family. And I called Ilya and I was— and Ilya was like, John, if I was there, I would fucking kick your ass right now. But yeah, no, it was really— it was really— it was a big loss for us.

Being a bunch of 24-year-olds rolling around your old high school town, it's the best.

And then Ilya texted me 45 minutes after we got to our house and he goes, I've been thinking what to text you, but I have nothing because I'm confused and cold inside. It feels like my girlfriend just broke up with me. I'm just a hole of emptiness. I texted back, I haven't been the same since. John keeps asking me about L.A., but I'm just staring out the window. Eliot goes, I was going to go work out, but then nothing matters anymore. So now I'm driving home in silence, driving the speed limit. And then he sent me a song he's listening to by Charlotte Lawrence called God Must Be Doing Cocaine. And then he texted me an hour later saying, I want to get drunk. And he sent me a picture of him in the shower with the shower just falling on him. There's the water just drenching him. It was a really sad time, but I was really glad that the money went to them.

You doubled their bank accounts. Yeah, that's fucking nuts.

Well, that's what I'm excited— that's why I was excited to lose. That's so cool of you. Yeah. And when, when Illy and I were about to play the game for $6,000, I was like, hey man, I kind of want to lose this. And he's like, are you fucking crazy? Still in tears. So yeah, no, I'm stoked. I'm stoked that the money went to them. Oh, and the best part is John went home and he gave half of it to his family. Really? Yeah. That day he went home and he gave half— he gave $3,000 to his family. And then Mike and John surprised Alex by paying off his PlayStation 5. Wow. So it went a long way. It was a good loss. It was a win. It was a win at the end of the day.

That takes so long to, like, build up how much they had already. And you just like— like, that's— that's honestly so—

and they earned it and they earned it and they kept rubbing it in. They're like, us two fat asses beat you. We're so fat and you guys are so fit. And Mike was like, that's why they're pissed.

That's why.

That's why. Ilya and Dave are pissed because they're not fat like us and they lost. That's why they're so angry. And it was really funny. They made me take a picture of the championship team. So it was them, it was John and Mike in front of the spikeball net holding up the number 1 finger. Like they made me take a picture of them. They're like, yo, can you take a picture of the winning team for us real quick? While Ilya's like in the corner just fucking sulking.

When we see them, we have to remember to be like. Congratulations! Yeah, congratulations!

You should make them like a big trophy, and every year like you change the nameplate on who's the champion. Whoever wins gets to hold the title.

That sounds like a you thing, Joe. It is. I had the worst spending weekend, and then I was— and then I was coming back here to fly to LA.

Yeah.

And my flight, um, something happened where they had to like deplane everybody, and they're like, we gotta fix this, everyone go to— go for a walk. So they let us off the plane, which I've never seen happen. They're like, go for a walk. So I went for a walk, and I Got to the store and it was like an art store. Um, and I ended up spending $2,000 at this fucking art store during my fucking like layover. It seemed like I was so pissed. Um, I bought this painting from, from Disney. It's like, it's like a, it's like an original.

It's, um, it's 101 Dalmatians.

It's 101 Dalmatians.

I don't know where you're gonna put that.

And I bought a sculpture.

You don't have a basement with a pool table in it, so I don't know where that's gonna go.

It's gonna go like in a bathroom. Okay. And then I bought a sculpture and then I bought, um, I bought another, another painting that's being delivered. I just had, cause there were so much to ship. And then I bought another painting for the woman that was working there because I asked her what was her favorite painting, and she's like, I love this one. And then I got it for her, and that was nice. That was like really fun for Christmas. She was like, what? She was really— it was nice because I was like, you don't have to wrap that one, that one's for you. And she was really excited about it. So I had so much time to kill, I was like, what else can I do?

You spend a lot of money at airports.

Yeah, I don't know, really weird.

I spent a lot.

I've never seen anything this weekend. I spent a lot, but it was Christmas, so I was like like in the mood to like, whatever. And all the money went to people that like, you know, needed it. Like, it wasn't like I wasn't blowing it on like a television.

I was like, yeah, you normally don't have a credit card. That's why he does.

Oh, that's what it was. I normally never have a credit card, and this time I had a credit card with me.

Yeah. Boy, that's dangerous.

Yeah, it's really—

Yeah, I don't know why you don't keep one.

I'm not allowed to have my credit card on me. Yeah. So Taylor and Natalie always have it in their pockets when we go out somewhere.

How do you care? Don't you have a wallet?

Um, like a mini one, but you keep it in your backpack, or then he just throws it in his pocket and that's when he loses it.

Yeah.

Why don't you put all your cards on your phone?

Um, I don't know, because I don't like— I don't care for credit cards. Christmas sucked this year, bro.

Oh, tell me a fucking bout it.

What happened with your Christmas, bro?

I had to have a fucking 4-hour FaceTime call. What? My— oh my God.

With who?

With my mom, my sister, because they like want to open gifts and stuff.

Oh my God, I love your mom. And she listens to this, so this is gonna be hard for me to commentate on.

But, but that's my mom too. But it sucks because it was just like, wait, what presents were they opening? My mom sent all these gifts and you had to open those on FaceTime. Yeah, we opened them on FaceTime.

Did you celebrate with your ex-wife?

Yeah. Then I went and had dinner with my ex-wife and her boyfriend, which was actually really great.

He's, he's, he's, he's good.

It is just so— wait, so amazing.

Did he not listen to the last podcast where we talked shit about him?

Joe and I cut that out.

No. Yeah, we had Oh, you didn't know?

Joe?

No, Jason, I was so glad. Joe, I was— I walked into that house and all I thought was, thank fucking God we cut that.

You cut that out, you fucking assholes.

I had to.

You weren't even talking that much shit about him.

I know I wasn't, but I just didn't want to have any kind of bad blood or anything. He's so nice. Also, Dave, you would love this. So, so we like had dinner and then we're all just sitting around and he was he was so nice and accessible that I was just like, I just was calling off actors that maybe he worked with, and it was a really fun conversation. So I'd be like, have you worked with George Clooney? He'd be like, he's like, oh yeah, I work with him. Brad Pitt? He's like, yeah, work with him.

And then he'd tell you like exactly the three ways he worked with all these actors.

David, he worked with all of them. It's— if you know what it— but you know what he's doing?

What does he do?

He's an actor.

Yeah.

How do we not know this guy? He's a good actor. He's not, you know, he's not George Clooney, but it would be like— it, it was, it was really cool, but it'd be the same thing if someone was like, hey David, do you know MrBeast? And you'd be like, yeah, of course I know MrBeast, that was kind of neat. Wow, Damon, name him, name an actor.

Mark Wahlberg.

I didn't ask that one.

I should have.

The Rock. You just told me to name an actor. The Rock. The Rock.

I didn't name that one.

I don't know if he's worked with The Rock.

Kevin Hart. No, I bragged about meeting Kevin Hart. Oh, I told our story.

He didn't even ask.

Nope, I just threw it out there.

George Clooney. Uh, Kevin Hart. No. Okay, because I've worked with Kevin Hart.

I mean, met him for 10 minutes.

I mean, my friend worked with Kevin Hart and he dragged me to his house.

It was sick.

Um, that was sick. What were you saying about going to Kevin Hart's house?

Oh, I love going to Kevin Hart's house.

Why? What happened?

Like, first of all, you walked in and the first thing you said was he had— he had a couple— he had a bunch of nice cars, and you go, which one's your favorite?

Like that.

And then he just like went into a stand-up routine. He was like, oh David, don't spend your money on cars, it's a fucking waste of money. It was so funny. He's like, I hate them all. He's like, let's get— take this fucking picture and be done with it. Like, he was so like on but not on. He's just fucking funny. Yeah, you know, and then he, um I don't know. It's funny to watch him be like put upon with his family and his kids and just complain. Like, even at that level, like, that's a comedian, you know, that's a real comedian. He has all this money. But yeah, it still sucks. And then Marty's in a great mood the whole time, which I was like, never been in a good mood when I was with you.

Why was she? Oh, because. Oh, because her new boyfriend.

Yeah, she was. She was so nice to me.

I was like, what?

Wow. I asked them if they wanted to be on the podcast. Well, they say he was receptive to it. And I just asked him in passing, like, another time when I saw him, I was like, you guys want to be on the podcast sometime? And he was like, yeah, maybe. And then Marty was like, Marty was like, we'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. Oh, man, that would be a funny podcast.

You know what? I think it would be like it started off really fun, and then I think I'd say the wrong thing, and then I think it'd be really awkward.

I don't think so. I think they know you, and I think they know, like, no matter what you do, like, they know you're a good person. Deep down. So if you like, if you go off the rails a little bit, I think they'd forgive you. You know what I mean? It's like they know you now. It's not like you're just like some—

So, Manny, I have this water bottle and this water bottle. Which one's closer to Jason's dick? And which one's closer to your new boyfriend's dick? Uh, Dave, we're gonna— we're gonna go.

What's really great about him is like he's like very like receptive to the kids and stuff. He seems to like care about the kids, which is like If I started dating somebody, I would have a hard time caring about their kids. You know what I mean? I'd be like, at one point I brought out like old videos of like Wyatt and Charlie when they were like 4 and 5 because my mom sent them to me and we were looking at them and he seemed genuinely interested. Really?

Yeah.

I actually felt bad after I brought it out.

That's a big test.

Then I felt really bad because I brought up a movie that I like really loved. It's like this because we were talking about films and I was like, oh, have you ever seen this? This one movie? And it's kind of an obscure movie. And the, um, the person that's in the movie went on to be like a huge blockbuster star. And I said, have you ever seen this little obscure movie? And he was like, I, um, I passed on that.

And I was like, oh, oh, that sucks. He would have been the guy.

Yeah. And I was like, I was like, oh, I was like, oh, that sucks. And I was like, I didn't bring it up for that reason. You know, you know, you know, when you're having a conversation with somebody and then like the conversation moves and then the person circles back.

Yeah.

Because it obviously meant something to them. And he like circled back on it and he was like, it's, it's my one regret.

And I was like, and then you were like, so you have worked with George Clooney? And then you were like, you want to hear that Kevin Hart story again? Me meeting him.

That's really my only only.

That's really fun. Yeah, that's really sad to pass. Have you ever passed on something that you've regretted?

Uh, Jonah wanted me to, uh, to be in the Grinch.

Yeah. You've never passed on anything that you ever got? You don't have like one regret?

No, I've never passed. But have I ever passed on anything that you've brought to me? You've literally said, Jason, can I bury you in the ground? I'm like, all right. I don't pass on anything.

Yeah, you're right.

Have you ever passed on anything? No.

I don't have a single regret either. It's just really crazy.

Why do people say that? A lot of power in no.

Yeah, I don't, I don't know. And I also don't understand, like, the one thing I can— like, the one thing I think about the most is that the thing that people said I would regret the most is skipping prom. I always think of that.

Oh yeah, people skipped prom.

Fuck yeah. Why? I fucking hate dances.

For the amount of times that you bring this story up, I think you do regret missing prom a little bit.

No, because we just brought it up again when we were talking about it.

Okay.

I hated prom because I Main reason was just my relationship with my parents was like weird where I didn't want them around other parents. And a big part of prom was where all the parents would get together and take pictures of all the kids. And like, my parents were very out of— my parents weren't like the parents that were friends with the rest of the parents, right? So they'd definitely be like the oddballs, like at, you know, at like my friend Stephanie's house who was like, you know, pretty cool. And like all the parents knew each other because they all like fucked each other or something. Like the parents were weird in Greg's Landing, but like my parents would be out of the loop and they wouldn't have like friends there, so I just like didn't want to put them in that situation. So I was like, I'm never going to prom or a dance because like, I don't want to witness that moment.

That's why you didn't go to prom because you're embarrassed of your parents.

Yeah, that was like a big moment.

That's like crazy.

Like a big reason.

Your parents are so cool.

Yeah, they're the coolest.

They are the coolest.

But I just didn't want to be there for that moment. I don't know. I just never like— I don't know. I just never want to— I never wanted to see my parents uncomfortable. Like, it was like a thing that—

did you know that it's named after the pilot that was flying over and they crashed? I'm telling a lie to your dad.

Parents telling the Greggs Landing, Greggs Landing, you know, they named this place, right? There was Gregory and his wife Amy. They were going to Los Angeles. They probably said that this is probably the home he built. That's right. I don't know. But, but dude, people were like, you're going to fucking regret it. You're going to regret it. And not for a second, not for a fucking second did I regret it.

I could have gone without prom. Oh yeah, it wasn't worth it.

How was your prom experience?

Wait, wait.

Yeah. Who'd you go to prom with?

I just went with a friend. But like, I remember senior year being super boring and like, it was just about the pictures for me. Yeah. Senior year prom was the worst experience. I like, a week before, my date ditched me and I had to like find someone else. Why did he ditch you? I guess it was a long story. He was like, hey, like, We just gotta be friends. And I was like, what? And then someone else, one of my friends texted me and said—

this is a long story— something about the anniversary of his, of his grandfather Greg's birthday.

Someone else— he brought someone else. He brought someone else. I remember being heartbroken.

So you—

oh, he took somebody else?

Yeah, it was, it was really messed up.

Wait, what?

Tay? Yeah, yeah, it was really bad. So basically we were like talking or whatever, and then Um, he basically like one day was like, hey, we just need to be friends. But like, this was like a week prior to prom, and I was like, weird, okay. And then he was like, yeah, and, and I already got my dress, like, yeah. And then like a week before, yeah, I— he was like, like, I'm— I— my friend texted me and was like, I'm— he's— did you know that he's taking somebody else? And I was like, what? And So I was last minute trying to find a date and it wasn't so hard.

Same school or someone else?

Oh no, same school and 2 grades younger.

Oh my God.

It was the— and they went in a different group. But you cry? Yeah, I was pretty upset.

Oh my God, Taylor, that makes me really sad.

What was the backup like?

Oh, he was great. He was like my friend from like, I guess. Yeah, he was my friend from high school.

You were hooking up with this guy? Yeah. With, with, with which one? The backup or the other?

No, the guy that ditched me. Oh, yeah. It took me a while to forgive him.

I can hear.

Oh, and then they started dating after.

Oh, well, that's nice.

Then they broke up.

Who'd you go with, Joe?

A girlfriend and then a friend the next year.

Joe, you seem like the type of guy who would take his dog to prom. I'd love that. Wear like a funny matching tie with him. Yeah. And then the principal of the school is like, hey, man, you can take the picture, but you can't stay for the dance. And then we both leave. And everyone's like talking about it for like the next week and you feel so cool. Yeah. Yeah. I was me and my buddy Rex. I'm the dog guy. Yeah. You, Joe, you just give me like the, like, like the vibe where like for yearbook pictures you'd like shave something funny into your beard.

Massapequa High School senior Joe Volpes had a different take on prom this year. He's bringing his golden doodle Buck.

That's the exact vibe you give off.

Dave, a man whose parents threw out his porn collection.

I'm reading the same article.

Because Joe sent it to both of us.

Yeah, a man whose parents threw out his porn collection wins lawsuit against them. The plaintiff hopes to be awarded $75,000 for the destroyed property. Wow, that's fucking crazy. So, oh wow, their son is 42 years old and his parents threw out his porn collection. He valued the property at an estimated $25,000.

Fox News reports that in August 2017, a domestic situation occurred where police got involved and the man was asked to leave. He eventually found a new place in Indiana where his parents dropped off his belongings, but what was missing was the man's enormous collection of pornography. The collection consisted of 12 moving boxes worth of movies, and the man's police report claims the assortment is worth close to $29,000.

Okay, hold on. Okay. That is fucked up.

Well, maybe he was like a collector. Yeah, it was worth it.

No, I'm saying that's fucked up. That's not like a porn magazine. That's like— I'd sue my parents for that shit too, right?

It's like he collected baseball cards. Yeah, it's worth something.

Yeah, that's fucked up.

How old's your son? 14.

Oh, he watches porn.

I don't know. I started in 6th grade.

Well, how old are you in the 6th grade for? I know you're like 12. 12. Oh, yeah. I started in the 7th grade.

That's what I want to run over there and have that combo.

No, I want him to come here for the podcast. Oh, God. So you're watching porn. We know because we started when we were your age.

Don't lie to us.

Don't lie to us.

We're going to check under your bed.

We've got Joe here.

There's never been a moment where you've almost caught him, right?

I always knock. I never—

And I feel like you don't— like he doesn't live with you. So there's never a moment where you, like, get home from work early, you know what I mean?

Even when I'm coming home, like if I'm coming home from the podcast, I'll literally, like, text and call. I'll be like, if he's home alone, I'll be like, I'll be like, hey, I'm going to be home in 5 minutes. Like, I always let him know.

That's really nice of you, actually. Oh, thanks. Yeah, that's really sweet.

My mom's got me jerking off a bunch.

Yeah, my dad. My dad walked in on my girlfriend once.

Wait, girlfriend doing what?

My ex-girlfriend. Wait, what happened?

My dad normally will, like, knock on the door, like, in our bed, in my bedroom, just like, whatever, before he comes in. Door's always locked. But then one time we were in my basement and he came down unannounced at like 11 at night, which normally he's asleep by like 10.

Oh my God.

She was— no, she was topless, boobs out. And she was just like standing there, like walking back to like the stairs. And my dad walks out, he goes, oh, and he walks back up and he saw her completely naked like that.

Oh my God.

Wait, were you guys having sex? Why was she naked? Yeah, we just had sex. No way you have sex with girls.

Yeah, you're right.

That was so weird seeing that come out of Joe's mouth.

Yeah, even hearing him say boobs, I was like, no way.

Wait.

Okay. Okay. So what did you— did your dad talk to you about it before?

No, I avoided him for like 3 days, like straight, specifically not to have a conversation with him.

Wow. But then did it happen or no? I don't think so. You've never talked to him about it? Never. You want to call him right now? Get him on the phone?

Nope.

So he's coming down in the basement for no idea. That's probably just to see the boobs.

Probably.

Where were you in the moment? Did she say— what did she say afterwards?

Oh, she was like by herself. She was like, they're in the main space and I was in the bathroom. So like my dad didn't see me. He just saw her and she just saw him.

Yeah. What did she say after? After? Was she like, your dad just saw my boobs?

She was in shock and she wanted me to drive her home.

Oh, whoa. It was that bad? It was just awkward. She's like, I need you to take me home now.

Not in like an uncomfortable way. It was like, I can't see your dad anymore.

I need to go home. Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Did you— have you ever gotten caught doing something with a boy?

No, never.

Why'd you say it like that?

Because I would never get caught.

Angel, remember? Right on. I just talked to my accountant, um, just to see how much money I have. I have actually have no idea ever how much money I have. Um, and I'm paying just this quarter, I'm paying a little over $2 million in taxes. Isn't that fucking ridiculous? Just this quarter? Just this quarter. Just for the, for the last 3, 4 months, I'm paying $2 million in taxes.

That's fucking nuts.

$2 million. And it's, you know, why it's the 6th, you know why it's fucked and why I say that how much I'm paying is because it's just like like, let me have a citizenship here. Like, where is this money going to? Like, for $2 million, like, the roads— that's really like—

it's to use the roads.

Like, like, I feel like completely 100% fucked.

I agree. Like, every DACA kid who pays taxes. Yeah. Like, come on. Like, we're all paying taxes. Like, if we weren't paying taxes, I'd be like, okay, We can't be citizens or like don't let us leave the country or don't let us reenter or whatever. But the fact that we're all paying, like, what the fuck?

Doesn't seem right.

Like, that's not fair at all. That's not fair at all. And like, and like, I only want to leave the country so I can make more money and so I can pay the US more. Like, I just want to help out everybody.

Oh, Joe, do you want to go? Reminds me, do you want to go to, to Paris with Dylan Francis on Friday?

Yeah. Are we still going to Italy after with Diplo?

I'm like trying to work it out. I just don't know if Diplo is going to have the plane for us.

I can call Marshmello. He has a layover in Australia.

I know Marsh.

Oh, really?

I know Marsh.

Yeah, there's a layover in Australia.

Sick.

Okay. Okay.

Go from Brazil to Australia, down to Antarctica.

What kind of a sick joke is this? Oh.

Oh my God. I forgot this was your podcast.

Crap. I've asked Marshmello actually this question, which is pretty interesting. I was like, can't you play like 4 shows at once? Like, don't you just play— like, can't you just make money in like 4 different countries and no one will even know? And he's like, he's never— it's, it's always him under the mask, which I think is really fucking cool.

Oh, I see. I see.

So he'll never play anything where it's not him. Like, it'll always be him. Sure. If I was him, I'd be playing in fucking— I'd be playing in Dubai, in Amsterdam, all on the same night. I'd be doing New Year's Eve in like 10 different countries.

I'm sure people have approached him to have like Marshmello too. Marshmallow 3, right? Right. Gallagher did that, the stand-up comedian. He used to smash watermelons. He farmed the act out to his brother, so there was two Gallaghers touring.

I feel like we talked about this.

Yeah, I think we did.

We talked about this exact situation with Marshmallow and this community.

We did.

Fuck it, who cares? It's close to the new year. It's like a new—

yeah, it's a clean slate.

Whatever, it's the new year, so we just do— we just start back from the first podcast and we just retell all the stories.

Can I How you met me in the comedy club story.

Yeah, that's good. That's a good one.

People probably don't know that from story again. Tell the prom story twice.

Oh, I hate prom, by the way. I would never go to prom, by the way. Did you know I'm DACA?

You know what you do?

You do.

You always get honest about that. But I've listened to Howard Stern for years. Yeah, he tells the same stories.

Yeah, it's just impossible not to. It's impossible not to. And like, your favorite stories will always be your favorite stories. Like, I don't tell this. I don't tell the same stories over again because, like, I feel the need to. I just tell them because I want to. Right, like I tell them because I love those stories so much and I'm just like, like, I just, I want to, I want to share them again, right? Have you noticed how like, like obviously now there's no movie theaters, like studios are spending a lot more money— like not spending a lot more money, but like there's movies coming out a lot more on streaming. Like every movie's coming out on streaming now. Like HBO is releasing their biggest movies on streaming and like the movies are starting to remind me of YouTube videos, like how quickly they're knocking them Like, they're producing movies as quick as like a YouTuber would produce YouTube videos, which is making me think now, you're gonna see a lot more influencers in movies. You're gonna see a lot more Addison Rae, a lot more Charli D'Amelio's, because it didn't make much sense to put in like an Addison Rae or like a David Dobrik into a movie before, 'cause maybe I couldn't sell actual movie tickets. Like, I couldn't get people to go out to the theaters, but I can easily get people to go watch a digital movie. Oh, right. And I think that's what a lot a lot of, a lot of like creators can do. And like a lot of TikTok influencers especially can like be in a movie now and they can drive a lot of traffic to the studio. And that's all they want is like studios want traffic to their streaming sites.

Oh, that's interesting. There's no more movie star hierarchy.

Yeah, there's no more movie stars now. So I think it's— you're going to see a lot more like digital influencers be in movies. Yeah. Do you want to build a house another time?

I'm trying.

Almost finished with the deck.

It's fucking crazy. It's every Every time— I don't know if you guys can hear her, but she's making so much noise in the background. And every time I hear her making so much noise in the background, I talk faster to cover up. That's why I was talking so fast, because I was trying to cover up the sounds of her literally hammering in whatever she was doing in the back.

How many times have we been podcasting and she's pounding the chicken?

Yeah, she loves— she pounds the pork every time we're podcasting. What were you gonna say, Joe?

Uh, I know somebody who works at one of the big agencies here, and a lot of the movie stars are upset with this new deal of like going to the digital stuff because they got a cut of those movie ticket sales. So now that these movies aren't being put out in like AMC theaters, they're not generating $200 million, $500 million, they're not getting a percentage.

Of course, box office. Yeah, they don't have the box— there is no box office.

That's a huge deal for these like top actors. They're not getting a cut of that. So like the movie studios like Warner Brothers, they're pumped on it because they're getting the streams, they're getting the monthly return from people subscribing. But like these movie stars aren't getting any of that. And that's what all these, uh, theater houses, I guess, have to figure out how they're going to get compensated.

Well, if the pandemic has done anything for movie stars and has— and has done anything for influencers, is brought them a lot closer together. Like, I feel like it's shot up influencers like crazy, like with the birth of TikTok. And with movie stars, it's actually made them seem a lot more crazy. Like, there's a lot of, like, you know, like those videos of, like, all the movie stars, like, singing a song together and they're like, let's raise money. And it's like, and it's all of them singing a song and everyone's like, what the fuck are these people doing? Why are they singing? Like, it's, it's, it's made a lot of people realize that like, hey, movie stars are literally regular people, if not crazier. And, and now a lot of influence, like, I don't know, I think it's really balancing the playing field of like, what is a celebrity and what is somebody that like, yeah, what is entertainment?

Like, it's also hard to like give like a movie star like Instagram and you're like, okay, go.

Exactly. Like, it's, it's crazy to see that movie stars cannot, you know, they have to learn it, they have to figure it out. Like Instagram and like making stories is not something they do. Jay, has there ever been a situation where like you're in like a dentist chair or you're like, you know, at a table and your waiter or somebody in your life that's come on to you and it's like really weird that this person's coming on to you?

No, I don't think so. No one's ever come on to me at all in general. Ever? Yeah. Why do you ask?

I don't know. I just think I always imagine it's just like really— there's this one time— oh, there's this one time in New York we were at like New York Fashion Week, right? And one of the designers after the show came on to me.

How old was she?

Like wanted to go on a date with him that night.

Maybe like 50. How old was she? Yeah. Yeah, she wanted to go out with me and stuff.

And, and, and then— and how'd you defuse it?

I went out with her that night. How'd you defuse it? We had sex. Yes.

Now, did you hang out there?

No, no, I didn't hang out with her. I don't know. I just— I was just like, I'm busy. I was flattered. I never think that shit's weird at all. Like, if anybody comes on to me and they're fucking 70, I think it's fucking sexy. Like, I'm just like, it could be a grandma. And I'm like, that's really kind that you've been alive for that long and you think that I'm an attractive person.

My mom come on to you in Hawaii.

Did your mom come on to me in Hawaii? She came on to me in Boston and then Vegas and then yes, in Hawaii. And then, uh, um, no, no, your mom never came on to me, which is kind of a bummer.

I'd love to have that to hold over your head for the rest of your life.

The one woman. But yeah, now has anybody ever come on to you?

Um, yes. There's only—

of course, she's a girl.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's so different. It's funny, like when you're talking about it, you're like, if like a 70-year-old woman was like hitting on you, you're like, that's sexy or whatever. But if like a 7-year-old man was hitting on me, I'd be like, you're kind of creepy.

Well, yeah, because that's like not as common for girls. No, because it's not— sorry, it's more common for girls. It's not as common for guys, right? Like if someone whistled at me when I was walking down New York, like if I was walking down the street and someone catcalled me, I'd be like, thank you. And now, because it's never happened to me. But yeah. Okay, so what's like the weirdest person that's come on to you?

I wouldn't— I don't know if I have— like, I can't think of a weird weird situation. I mean, I don't know, there's probably many, but, um, there was one time where I had like a movie— like, it was like a movie premiere.

No, why can't you finish the sentence?

Why are you freezing? You got this.

What the fuck's going on? Okay, there's a movie—

what? No, shut up. There is— there was one time where this guy hit on me and gave me his number, and it was literally like a scene from a movie. Like, it was straight out of a movie. Okay, that's what I was trying to get.

How was it movie-like?

I went to my favorite restaurant here in Studio City, and I would go there all the time or whatever. And this guy who was— he wasn't even my waiter, he was a somebody, he was just a waiter at the restaurant. And he kept walking by because like our kitchen was kind of— or our table was by the kitchen. And he would like look at me, and I was like, okay, like I know he's like checking me out. And but you know, whatever, I just didn't do anything about it. And then I went out to valet, dinner was over, I left, was at valet, and he came running out with a piece of paper and my number. And he was like, I would just feel so like distraught and if I didn't give you my number and if I didn't like tell you. Oh wow, yeah, it was so sweet. I've never had something like that.

That's how you met Todd? Wait, wait, so what happened then? Did you call him? No. You never called him? No. He just wasn't attractive? Was he cute?

Yeah, he wasn't, he wasn't that cute. Wasn't your type? Yeah, I don't know. And I wasn't like— this was like last year. I was like not looking for, you know, David was running me around like crazy. I just didn't have time.

That's when she was still into me. When, when, when you and a guy make eye contact in like a store or a restaurant, if you look back the second time— I'm asking from a guy's perspective because I've checked out girls very often— like, and like, and is the eye contact the second time, does that, does that mean you're in? Or are you checking to see if this creepy person is still staring at you?

I think— well, I mean, there's different types of people. So for me, I think either I'm looking to see if they're actually staring at me, or two, I'm not wearing my glasses, so I'm like squinting. I'm like, who is that?

Sort of thing. Oh, okay.

I don't know, I never do. You talk about this a lot, like, like the eye contact thing. I'm not— but that's kind of my personality. I don't make eye contact with people, like, in general, you know?

I don't know, I feel like I've been really good at, like, like I could tell, like, like if I'm like walking to an event or wherever I'm at, like, I feel like from the first eye contact I could tell if like there's anything there.

You know, it's funny, you guys talking about eye contact, that doesn't happen to me What do you mean? It's like I got to this age, it's just like, no, like definitely when I was younger, like I remember that. I remember—

oh, this is so sad—

having like making eye contact with people and being like, oh, maybe she's interested. And I can't remember the last time I had eye contact with somebody. I really cannot. Like people walk by you like a ghost.

They really do. Wow.

They literally do.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Like I absolutely know what Natalie said, like eye contact. I was like, oh yeah, I remember that. I remember like being on a train train from like New York to Boston when I was, um, in my 20s. I remember making eye contact with a woman, but then I never went over and talked to her.

Damn, bro, you fucking— it happened so long ago, you have to go back to when you were on a train? Yep, I was on a train.

Roosevelt just got in office.

And, uh, um, no, I mean, it's really interesting how you can tell like from eye contact. Like, it's crazy because it's like, it's only 2 or 3 second eye contact, but it's so different than regular eye contact. Like it's regular than passing. I don't want to keep talking about Jake's effect. I'm just bumming you out.

Oh no, I don't care. I accepted it. I mean, it's nice not having anyone in your life, you know what I mean? Like there's a lot of advantages.

What are some advantages?

It's just like I don't have to worry about anybody. I'm also— I'm not capable of a relationship. I'm just not, right? I'm not capable of like—

are you saying that because you're like— I feel like you're saying this because you're just defeated and you're accepting it and now you're like trying to be optimistic about the situation?

No, no, because, because the truth is, is like, would I rather like go out on a date or like hang out with Todd?

And I'm like, I'd probably— okay, so Scarlett Johansson called right now and was like, I want to date you and I want you to—

hang on, hold on, that's, that's Colin Jost's woman.

So that's like— I want you— I want—

but yeah, of course I'd fucking run to Scarlett Johansson. But I'm just not capable of it. Like, I don't think I'm down to like share care any parts of my life anymore. You know what I mean? Like, I have my kids, I might work.

You know what I mean? You're looking at us like, uh, no, I have no idea. Yeah, I've been desperately looking for a girlfriend. We don't know what you mean. I have 18 dating apps downloaded right now.

I am successfully in love.

I just cannot relate.

You're in love?

You guys gonna get married or what?

Wait, you, you told Todd I love you?

Yeah, of course they did. I've been with him for like a year now, David.

Yeah, but that ship sailed, Dave.

You're a cold-hearted bitch. I wouldn't expect that till year 3. Wait, who said it first?

I mean, who do you think said it first?

See, there it is. Natalie's back to being cold-hearted.

I think Todd said I love you before we even started dating.

Todd told me— Todd said I love you outside of Hyde when he first saw her. I love you. I don't know what it means yet, but I love you. Wow. Okay, well, good for you guys.

Oh, thank you.

All right, guys, well, that's all the time we have. Thank you guys for listening. Um, hope you had a good Christmas. And hope the New Year's is— I hope the New Year's a good one.

And we'll be back next week at the same time with the same great show.

And I hope the New Year is gonna be good. I say that again. Oh, well, why are you laughing?

Because I wasn't listening. Oh, I had like my own thing going on.

I just think it's important. This is gonna be big. I don't know. I hope this year is better.

It's gonna be better.

I don't know.

How could it not?

All right, see you guys. My name's Jeff.