David Wins a Kid's Choice Award

What's up guys, welcome to Views, the podcast where I just got a brand new pair of glasses so I can see a lot more clearly. And my first observation is Jason smells like shit.

Well, wait a minute, it's— what doesn't really— not really glasses have anything to do with your sense of smell.

You're right, you're right, you're right. Honestly, the glasses really don't even help me see, they just help me read. It's just up close things that it helps me out with. But you, you can— I could, I I could smell you from far away.

We need maybe some nose plugs for you.

If everyone smelled like you, Jace, I don't think anybody would need vision because we would just know where everyone is at all times. I'm kidding, you actually don't smell bad. I just like busting your balls.

Well, you should smell my balls. They're awful.

I roll the intro music. Hey guys, this is the Views Podcast. I'm 19.

I'm 45.

I'm kidding, I'm 22. I'm David, that's Jason.

I was gonna say, I let that go right by.

Oh my God, people ask me how old I am all the time and I always say I'm like a teenager, but I'm not. And then Natalie yells at me, she goes, you're not a teenager, you're 22.

You are when you talk to your parents on the phone.

Yeah, I am. And speaking of being a teenager, just won a Kids' Choice Award, which I should, um, should talk about. Yes, before we get anywhere, I'll be honest, I don't really care.

That's not true at all. You were so nervous.

I cried my eyes out.

You did. I mean, when did you— when you got home?

Like, okay, so, so I was nominated for a Kid's Choice Award, right? And like, I was excited. I was like, this is fucking great. Like, I was like very, very happy. And I thought like once I got it, I wouldn't be as excited. But once I won, I was like 40 times more happy.

Oh, interesting.

Like crazy more happy. Like, I felt like I just conquered something like huge. It felt so good. Like being in the car, like driving home, I was like, wow, I won a Kid's Choice Award. Yeah, I don't know why, but it felt crazy.

Yeah.

And I made like such a big deal of it on social media. Like, I pretended like I just won the Oscars. I was, I was getting texts from my high school teachers like, congratulations. Um, no, but it was, it was something.

Yeah, you, you were genuinely happy. I haven't seen you that happy in a while.

Jason sent me a sweet text.

Oh, I, I, oh my God, I felt so bad about that. After I sent that text, I was like, oh, why did I send that? Why? I literally got in the car, I started crying in the car.

Did you?

Yeah, because I Ubered out of there because I went to get the kids. So I was like, I walked out of the Coliseum or wherever we were and I was like trying to find an Uber, and then I was like— the guy picked me up and he was like, are you okay? And I was like, just drive.

Wait, you're actually crying?

Yeah, I was crying in the car.

Why were you crying?

I don't know. I don't know.

Was it because you have to go see your kids?

I was like, I didn't want to leave the Kids' Choice party.

The Kids' Choice Award after party? No, I mean, um, you don't know why?

No, I do know why. I mean, I, I was crying for a couple reasons. One, 'Cause I was like, really proud of you. I was like, that's just fucking crazy. And also like from where we come—

Oh, here. This is your text.

Cuts me off.

Well, I'm cutting off with your text. You said, I'm in the Uber tearing up just thinking about how lucky we are to have each other. Congrats, David. You work so hard and it's so great to see you get recognized like this. It took me my whole life to find good friends and coworkers like you guys. You are all so amazing and it means so much to me to be able to be there with you guys and see it. On to the next thing, David. And give Natalie a raise. And I said, thank you, Jason. If I wasn't in a car full of people right now, I'd probably be crying to that text. And then Jason said, one more thing. I realize I'm the biggest bitch of this entire friend group and I'm a little pussy ass hoe, but it's nice to be friends with such a great, strong, buff guy like you, David. It's your— I can't make up anything. No, but the first text was real and that was really nice.

And I sent you a private one too.

Yeah, that one was— I can't read that one.

Why not?

You know why. Hey, sorry I had to leave so early, but I'll meet you back at the house, huh? For a little extra congratulations. No, but it was great.

Yeah, you were so happy. You got off stage. Josh was there.

It was like the biggest full circle because I used to watch Nickelodeon and the Kids' Choice Awards, right? And I used to watch Josh Peck on the Kids' Choice Awards, and I moved to LA and Josh Peck became my friend. And then Josh Peck presented me my award at the Kids' Choice Awards, which is fucking crazy. Yeah, you know what's also crazy is how does your belly always sneak out of whatever shirt you wear?

Pineapple, dog.

Pineapple.

Pineapple.

Oh, is that the code word?

Yeah, we talked about this last week.

Oh shit, instead of saying that your shirt's out, I just say pineapple.

All the comments say in the video, it's like Jason's belly.

It just— how does it—

in your underwear.

You look really thin today though.

It's because I'm wearing black. Yeah, okay, I'm tucking it in for all the people out there. I, I'm sorry everybody.

I, I love when you wear like jeans because all your jeans, because I know you wear them so much without washing them, they just look like sweatpants.

These jeans are washed and they're literally sweatpants jeans. Yeah, no, they are. Feel them. They're, they're literally meant to be sweatpants jeans. They're really nice jeans.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm pretty sure you just haven't had them in the wash for a while, bro.

I have a maid.

I don't want to pick on you because you sent that nice text. I should be on your side.

Yeah, let me fly for— let me ride.

What were you looking up on your phone and you were laughing before we started?

Oh, there's a thing called Florida Man Challenge.

Have you heard of this Florida Man Challenge?

Yeah, and so you put in— you type in Florida Man and then your birthday, and I just did yours.

Oh, because Florida people are crazy.

Yeah.

So it tells you— I'm assuming it tells you one thing that happened on your birthday.

Yeah, and, and I did yours and I did mine, and here's mine. Not guilty. Florida man who blamed big penis for girlfriend's death acquitted.

Oh, interesting.

It's crazy.

True story.

Yeah, it happened. And here, here's yours. Squirrel attacks Florida man. Rodent was raised by neighbor. 7:03, that's your birthday.

Oh wow.

Florida man and birthday is latest social media trend. Anyway, yeah, good trend, guys. Get on it if you like it.

I used to look up things about Florida Man. It's interesting.

You just put your birthday and the words Florida Man.

No, I know, I understand. Did it sound like I needed more explanation?

No, because, well, when you spit it back to me, you had it wrong.

Okay.

Yeah. Oh, so you just look up a bunch of stuff about Florida Man? Like, no, that's not it at all, David. I wasn't sure you got it.

Because I was trying to think about what we're talking about next.

Well, I was thinking about— maybe we went to the wiener circle and I had that Oh my God.

Okay, so we went to the Wiener Circle and the Wiener Circle's known. It's, it's, it's a place in Chicago and the people there are like mean to you on purpose. Like all the women working there are like, fuck you, you stupid ass pussy bitch. Like as you're ordering and you can ask for a hot dog and they'll be like, you want me to wipe my pussy all over it? And they're just, they're complete assholes. But it's the funniest thing because they're assholes. They do it on purpose. And, uh, yeah, you want—

no, I just, we went in there and we were specifically there for them to be mean to us.

Yeah.

And then I just ended up having a heart-to-heart with the woman there.

Yeah.

And my life—

we extended our flight just so we can go to this wiener circle so we can shoot them like being mean at us, uh, to us. And then I got there and I turned my camera off for like 2 minutes and I turned over and Jason's like talking to the meanest one. Yeah. Talking to like the meanest elderly woman and she's like giving him life advice and he's like literally almost in tears. And I'm like, Jesus Christ. Like, we really should just take some time to listen to Jason ourselves.

David goes, wow, you really needed someone to talk to. You had to go all the way to the wiener circle to get someone to listen to you.

It was the weirdest place for you to find a friend.

Yeah.

But it worked.

Who knows?

I guess you, um, you seem to gravitate to people that put you down.

Well, that's interesting.

Interesting.

Well, no, we went there for— to have fun.

Sure.

Yeah. But no, I turned it around. I would say the other thing I would say, I went there, someone— the person was meant to put me down, but I made a friend.

Yeah, you did.

So I'm good like that.

Chase, you ever wonder what kind of a person you are?

Yes, I do wonder that. I always wonder about my background. Why are you asking?

Well, because with 23andMe, it could be a lot easier to figure out who you are.

Oh, I like 23andMe.

23andMe Health and Ancestry Service Kit. You can explore 125+ personalized genetic reports that may reveal the link between your DNA and your health traits and more, including your chances of developing certain diseases. 23andMe recently released their newest health report on type 2 diabetes, which tells you your genetic likelihood for developing the disease and gives you personalized results and tools that can help with prevention.

Well, you know, I, uh, I took the test and, uh, I found out some very interesting things about myself, David. Um, I am, uh, very Irish. I don't know if you could tell from my pasty skin.

Oh, sorry, I was blanking out.

Again, I don't have to talk, but you asked me to.

I yawned and then I think I fell asleep for a second.

Do you check out on everyone that's in your life or just me? Death really chases you.

Just me. Diabetes is a growing public health challenge. 1 in 3 adults in the United States has prediabetes, but 90% of those with prediabetes don't know they have it. Type 2 diabetes is influenced by genetics. It is not just lifestyle and weight. Type 2 diabetes is a condition that typically develops as we get older and is caused by many factors, including diet, lack of proper exercise, weight gain, and our genes. 23andMe Type 2 Diabetes Report offers insights into your genetic likelihood for developing type 2 diabetes. And empowers you with personalized results and tools that may help you prevent disease. Order your 23andMe Health Ancestry Kit at 23andMe.com/views. That's the number 2-3-and-me-dot-com-slash-views. Again, that's 23andMe.com/views.

Wonderful. Nice read.

You know what's weird to me?

That we're friends?

That too. Packages. And construction. Those are the two things that really don't make sense to me. Those are two separate things. But I was like, I was at the airport today.

Yeah.

So I was looking at like, isn't it crazy how you can order something and it gets to you the next fucking day? How does that work?

Ah man, there's a fulfillment center that's very close to you that has everything you need.

Oh yeah.

And they send it right out.

You know when like they fly stuff to you? Like I find that so crazy. They have all these packages, right? You don't find that insane? And then construction is another thing. When they're building skyscrapers and they're just building upwards into the heavens.

How—

where the fuck is that material coming from? Like, how do they— you know what I mean? Like, how is this city not constantly just in the project?

It's a construction wizard.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's a— yeah, it's an old man with a long beard and a pointy hat. And then he goes around, he has this really long index finger, and he goes, mm.

He has a long index finger?

Meeple dapple, Iple daper, I see a skyscraper.

Did you make this up, or did you tell your kids this too?

No, it's a joke, David. Oh, it doesn't really exist.

Yeah, I know it was a joke.

Oh my God, this guy. There's such a thing as a construction wizard.

Have you, have you ever, have you ever told your kids anything that wasn't true but you were like protecting something?

Like, everything's gonna be fine, everything's gonna be fine, you're gonna go to college, Daddy's not broke, Daddy and your mom are gonna get back together.

No, like, like my parents, I told you this, they told me Santa Claus was real and that no one died during 9/11.

Yes.

Yeah, and I found both of those things out on the same day. So what did— what did— what do you tell your kids?

Well, we tell them that everything's gonna be fine and you can be anything you want when you grow up.

You don't believe it.

You're the most special two people in the world.

Jesus Christ.

We tell them all that stuff that they need to hear.

Do you think your kids can be anything?

I'll always be here for you.

I'll always be here for you.

That's kind of fucked.

Well, I'm talking about like, did you ever say things to like Like, like, you know, like, like maybe there's like a shooting in the news and you go, oh, that's not real. It's just—

oh yeah, yeah.

Do you ever say stuff like that?

I never say it's not real, but I'll be like, I don't want to talk about that. Let's go get some yogurt.

Yeah.

Say something like that. I would never say like that didn't happen.

That's the same thing you say to me when I see a stressful situation. That's okay, Dave. Let's go get yogurt.

I went to my daughter's open house last night. Yeah, it's really funny. She— you get to see all the work on the wall that they've done so far, right? They line it up, right? So it's like this project, that project, everything's going great. There's one project, it's called, um, like, uh, Reality and Fantasy. So the kid has one side of the paper is their, their job, you know, what they want in reality, and then what their dream job would be in fantasy. And Charlie's reality was an actress, and there's a bunch of a bunch of paragraphs. And then the fucking dream side was unicorn wardrobe dresser. And I was like, you got a better fucking chance dressing a unicorn than being an actress.

Honey, you should flip those pictures around. There's no way in fuck you're going to be an actress. Oh, that's crazy.

Yeah.

What do the other kids draw? That's such a funny thing.

Yeah. The other kids.

That's the best. When you Like, especially when those kids get older and they look back at those pictures, they're gonna fucking laugh their heads off.

I mean, how many kids go, "I wanna be a baseball player"? I mean, there was a ton. I saw 3.

But were they all fantasies or were those all realities?

No, the reality ones were baseball players, and I was like, "No fucking way. I've seen you, kid. I've seen you throw a ball." What are the fantasies? Limp-wristed in the playground. There's no way you're going to the Dodgers.

What are their fantasies?

The fantasies were like, um—

Were they all like make-believe stuff? Yeah, yeah, like live on Mars, um, which they literally have a better chance of than being in an, uh, in an MLB team.

Yeah, um, you know, be with Superman, be Superman's right-hand man, stuff like that.

And, uh, what did you want to be when— wait, wait, sorry, continue.

No, I'm done.

You said that like you were done with the podcast.

I'm done. You didn't laugh hard enough at that last story. I'm out.

That's it. That's it. You cut me off again. I'm fucking out. It's been wild. My mom made me go to— I just flew to Chicago.

Yeah.

And I was there for— I think I was there for like— I was there for less than 24 hours. My mom made me fly in for a doctor's appointment because she like trusts this doctor there.

Yeah.

And she started crying on the phone and she's like, you need to come here. Like, I don't— you can't go— like, she didn't want me to go to a doctor here, so I had to go there. And he's like a doctor that does like spiritual stuff, right? Like spiritual healing.

Okay.

And I've been sick for the last like 3 months, like on and off, like little colds. So I was like, okay, what's wrong with me? So I went to him and I kept telling my mom, I'm like, I don't want to go to a fucking witch doctor. Like, I want a real doctor. And I get there and okay, I see his like things on the wall. I'm like, he's from Harvard, you know, like he's studied medicine.

Reputable.

Yeah, he's reputable. And then I sit on, like I sit on the doctor's chair and he grabs my wrists, like no gloves, nothing. He just grabs my wrists. And he like holds my hands up in the air and just closes his eyes and just starts like, just starts like listening almost. And like nothing. He's not using any like stethoscope or whatever to listen to my pulse. And he's just listening. I fucking start cracking up. I was like, this is exactly—

David, you have to pay attention.

This is exactly what I thought it was going to be. And then he ended up giving me a—

Did your mom go with you?

No, she didn't go.

She didn't go with you.

And then he ended up giving me an ultrasound. So he put like the ultrasound gel all over my stomach, and then he like went around with his ultrasound system, and it was so fucking weird because, because he was like looking for stuff, and he kept making these like faces, and he kept making sounds. I can't make the faces because you can't see me right now, but it was like concerning, and he was like Bulgarian or whatever.

And so make the face.

Yeah, just like he was like concerned, like he's finding something. And sometimes, sometimes he'd be, he'd like go up on my stomach with the ultrasound and he'd go Duh, duh. And then I'd be like, is there anything wrong? And he goes, don't worry right now, we do test and I tell you what's, what's, what's wrong later. And, and he was just relaxed for now, just to relax. And yeah, so he, yeah, so he ultrasounded my entire body and completely, he was shaking his head, he was very concerned. Um, I found out I have a, um, a small liver and a small spleen. It's 3 inches smaller than it's supposed to be.

You never knew this?

No, I never knew this. So I have a small— my immune system is weak because of it.

Oh my God.

And then he, and then he, and then he was like, he was almost like, he told me this, which could be true, but I'm sure a lot of people have small spleen and small livers. And then he was like, he was trying to like trick me into thinking that it was because of all the sugar I consume. So he was like, it was almost— so he was like, so he was like, it's because of, it's because of all the sugar you drink. Yeah, and I'm like, oh, okay. And he's like— and I'm like, I don't drink soda, like, at all.

Yeah.

And he goes, oh, okay, well, you know what, beer has a lot of sugar in it, right? And I go, I don't drink beer at all, right? And then, and then he goes, well, it's also— you could be inhaling stuff into your lungs.

Yeah.

And the stuff you're inhaling can, can, like, turn to your blood and it can make your liver weaker.

I don't smoke pot.

And I was like, I don't smoke weed.

Yeah.

And it was like he kept, like, fishing for things.

Could be Sweet Tarts, Twizzlers. It must be, you know, Twizzlers.

No, I don't have— and he kept going.

And Laffy Taffy, possibly Hubba Bubba.

No, it was so fucking interesting. And, um, and yeah, nothing, nothing came out of it. And then I left and my friend was there to pick me up. And I, I go— my John, one of my closest friends— and I go— and he goes, because everyone was so concerned because they're like, why the fuck did you fly out, right, for this doctor's appointment? And I go, I have cancer.

Oh no, you didn't say that.

And John goes, and John goes, fuck. And I'm like, what? Well, and he's like, and he, he was, he thought I was being serious. And he goes, I always thought if you were going to die, it was going to be a quick death so I wouldn't have to visit you in the hospital.

Is that what John said?

Yeah. I was like, what the?

David, why would you say that to him?

I was like, what kind of? Well, I just said it like, you know, I just said it like, and it wasn't like, yeah, I just said it like, I know it's fucked up to say and you should never say that shit, but I just said it just came off my mouth. Because everyone was so worried about me like I was dying, right? And yeah, and how do you feel now? I feel sicker. I feel worse visiting him. I feel— I don't know.

Do you? So he didn't come up with anything? You're the spleen.

He didn't. And you know how I have that like almost cyst by my tailbone? Yeah, it's like a small cyst. I brought that up.

Let me say—

and, and he was like, that's like my one concern was my cyst. Yeah, because I'm like, this could be cancerous, God knows what it is. And he goes, oh, that's not my specialty. You'll have to go see somebody else.

Possibly the sour worms that you're consuming.

Or that could be the sauce. So yeah, that bummed me out. You know what could be really daunting?

My stories.

Yes, and also taxes. Tax season could be daunting, but with TurboTax Live, a real licensed tax professional is invested in your success. Their CPAs and EAs on demand bring years of experience to your tax returns, in addition to answering your questions, guiding you through the process, and maximizing your refund. Their tax pros can review your return before you file. TurboTax Live with CPAs and EAs on demand. See details at turbotax.com. Guys, if you're too young to know about taxes, they fucking suck. Fuck them, but, um, use TurboTax.

Yeah, sorry about the profanity. TurboTax. I don't know why I got so angry because you pay a lot in taxes.

That's my mission statement. That's, that's, uh, that's their new catchphrase. TurboTax. Fuck them, they suck, but use TurboTax.

I took my kids to dinner the other night, took Charlie and Wyatt and Denora, Charlie's friend. Fuck, I can't believe waiters still do this. I can't believe it. It is so rude in 2019. The guy gives me my food, I eat it all, and he comes over and he goes, huh, boy, you ate it all. I wasn't even sure if I put it down or not. Like that.

Wow.

Don't you find that rude? He's basically calling me a pig.

Right?

Yeah. I thought you'd respond to that.

What did you respond to it?

I was like, yeah, I ate all of it.

You're not good with people being mean to you.

He wasn't being mean. He thought he was being fun.

I know, but you're not good with people that— you're not good with people that try to be fun with you but are being mean to you.

No.

Yeah, you are.

No.

I've— we've been over this. Every time someone comes up to you and calls you old, you like lash out at them.

No.

The other day we were in Chicago with my friends. And one of my friends goes to Jason and goes, you look like my grandma. And Jason just turns and goes, you know what? You have been nothing but rude to me this entire trip. And I went— and I was standing right next to him, and I literally— I usually I'm like good, and I could like dig people out of a situation. I just went, fuck. And I went like cold, and I just walked straight ahead of him just to get myself out of the situation.

I didn't know that would affect you at all.

Oh, I felt so awkward.

You've got my own battles. You don't have to— no, you can get along with everybody.

No, you— I know you can fight your own battles, but there's no battle to be fought. She's just trying to be funny.

She was rude.

She was—

there was a few— there was at least 3 comments the night before.

Why are you so sensitive about what a 22-year-old says?

That's different. I apologize to her.

I said I was sensitive. The worst part is I told Jason like 3 hours later, I'm like, yo, that was a little little harsh what you did to her. Like, she was just trying to make, make conversation with you. And then, and then we're all together in like one hotel room. There's like 15 of us, we're getting ready to go out, and Jason goes, guys, before we go out, I want to apologize to her because David told me I was a little bit rude. And, and no one knew of the situation, so now they're all being caught up as to this little beef that this girl and Jason had. And he's like, I just want to apologize I was a little rude, I was a little angry at you earlier, but I'm fine now. And it was so embarrassing because he threw me under the bus for giving him a talk.

She loved it.

Okay, but what were you saying? What's—

I'm saying the waiter is there to get a good tip, and you don't say that.

I know, but he's just trying. But people, some people just don't know what to say. He's just trying to be goofy.

Waiter, that is the fucking one thing that you need to do is not make people feel like they're fucking fat pigs. Because obviously I have a food problem. I mean, like, I just would think you were a waiter. Would you walk up— you were a waiter— would you walk up and say that to somebody?

No.

Oh, you ate it all. No, I didn't. Fatty tubby, fat fat.

That's what he called you?

Yeah. Way to go, Tubba Lard.

That's what he said? Yeah.

He goes, look at this, fat boy had to have it all.

Sammy, get over here. Look at this fat fuck. No, that's not what happened. No, I would not say that as a waiter. But like, yeah, but some people just don't have good social skills, and you can't You can't turn on them.

Huh?

You've been on this planet for so long, so much longer than me, and you still turn on people that don't know how to make a good joke. And you're comedians.

It's not a good joke. It's— there's nothing funny about it at all.

I know, that's what I just said. I said you shouldn't get offended at people making bad jokes. They're trying with you. He's trying. I've had so many people come up to me and they're like, they just don't get it. They're just not being funny.

Here, how about this? How about this? You take your car into the the muffler store, right?

I have an electric car, but yeah. Okay, go, go, go.

Fucking kid. Take the car in and the guy goes, oh, I couldn't fix it yourself, you fucking idiot. I mean, like, it's the same thing. It's like, don't make people— today it is waiter. I just can't believe that you're not fucking siding with me. You know, you know that it's, it's part of your job. But why would waiters do this?

But okay, if, if First of all, if someone said that to me that works at a mechanic shop, I'd fucking laugh. That's hysterical. And second of all, if it wasn't funny, I wouldn't be like, hey dude, that was fucking rude. Like, I wouldn't do that.

I didn't say that. No, I just let it go. I just wrote it down on my notes because I thought you'd be on my side. I thought we could get a little Larry David, Seinfeld.

You know what this reminds me of? This reminds me of when I was at the bar. I said this on the podcast a couple of months ago. I was at a bar And, um, and it's my first time ordering a drink. I was like, fuck it, I'll have a drink. I'm talking to the— I'm talking to the bartender and he goes, uh, he goes, what do you want? And I'm like, I'm new here, just give me something that'll fuck up a baby. Like, that'll— enough alcohol to fuck up a baby because like I'm a lightweight, so I want like a little bit of alcohol. Yes, but like I want it to be fruity. And he looks at me and he goes, whoa, that is not funny whatsoever. And, and I, I just fucking froze. Like, okay, my joke was bad. It was off-color. Like, I shouldn't have said it. I made a mistake. Yeah, but you just ruined my entire fucking night. Yeah, you know what I mean?

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

No, no, no, no, the bartender ruined my night.

Yeah, exactly. He's a dipshit just like this fucking waiter. Just like you.

Just like you.

No, because we're talking about the service industry. No, that is different.

He is a— he's a service industry.

That bartender was a fucking moron, and my waiter the other night Was a fucking—

no, the bartender was being you. The bartender was being you. No, no, just like the waiter. The waiter made a bad joke like me, and then, and then you responded to him in a snarky way rather than just laughing it off.

I didn't respond to him in a snarky way. I said, oh, like that. I said, yeah, I ate it all. I know, like that.

I know, I'm just saying we're talking about the service industry.

Like, listen, you say that to me, fuck up a baby, I go, ah, right on. Yeah, okay, yeah, I'll get it. You say nothing. You're in the service industry. You don't— you— the customer is always right.

Yeah, but okay, if you're a bartender, it's a little bit different.

You—

those guys like conversate with the people at the bar. And no, it's not. It doesn't matter.

Nothing different.

You're fucking wrong.

You're fucking dumb.

You're old.

You're going to Chicago tomorrow because you're a fucking baby and you can't tell your parents no.

Fuck you.

Are you Canadian all of a sudden?

I have a Kid's Choice Award.

How dare you put that in my face? I will steal it one night and put it in the fucking LA River.

The future is coming. Make it brighter with Squarespace. By using Squarespace, you can create a beautiful website to turn your cool idea into a new website, showcase your work, blog or publish content, sell products, services of all kinds, or announce an upcoming event or special project and a lot more. Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful templates created by world-class designers, 24/7 award-winning customer support, Nothing to patch or upgrade ever. Free and secure hosting, guys. It's the best place if you're trying to make any kind of website.

24 hours a day.

Yeah, that's good.

Even just someone who can you call 24/7 hours a day? Nobody.

If you don't, if you don't need to make a website and you just literally just need someone, a shoulder to cry to or lean on, this is, this is who you talk to. Call Squarespace about fucking anything. Yeah, you, you need help at school? Call Squarespace.

Make a website about the relationship that you bond with, with the Squarespace operator.

Yeah, we're encouraging you to make it— make yourself easily create a website by yourself and make it stand out with Squarespace. Head to squarespace.com/views for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code views to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Nice job, David.

Squarespace.

I got hit by a motorcycle on Saturday.

Are you being serious?

Yeah.

How? Why?

What?

I'm being real.

Why did you just bring this up now?

I don't know.

It's like 25 minutes into the podcast.

I forgot. I was just— it's not that great of a story, but I was just riding along. I was taking my son to this party.

Where were you? What do you mean you were riding along? Oh, like in your car?

I was in my car.

Okay.

And, uh, and I'm just— I'm in my lane and this motorcycle just hits the side of my car. On Wyatt's side. Oh, and he goes down, and I just— I— David, I gotta tell you, I fucked up, and I didn't do anything wrong. But what I— he hit me, but then I was— I panicked because I was like, well, it's a motorcycle, like, fuck.

Like, did you fucking drive away?

No. Oh no, I did not drive away.

What did you do?

I pulled over, and then I got out, and then the people that saw it, they're like, he ran into you, he ran into you. And I was like, oh, thank God, thank God. I was like, that's what I thought. And then I walked over to him and he— I don't know if he was drunk or because he took the fall so hard, he was fine. And I'm like, are you okay? Are you okay? And he's like, yeah, I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm okay. And I'm like, okay. I'm like, are you sure you're okay? And he's like, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. And he goes, wait a minute, did I hit you? Are you the guy I hit? And I was like, yeah, you're the guy. So I'm like, okay, we're getting this right. You hit me. And he was like, yeah, yeah. He's like, what happened? And I was like, you, you came into my lane. And I was like, he was like, oh, okay. And then I was like, okay, so you're good, right? So then like Wyatt was out of the car and I was just freaked out and I just got my car and I left. And my fucking car is destroyed. It's like, like $1,500 in damage. I didn't fucking think to, to get that because you were so scared. His info, because I just panicked. I fucking handled it so bad. It was so bush league. It was so like, oh, 19-year-old kid.

He manipulated you.

No, he didn't. He was just a fucking drunk dumbass.

He was drunk on a bike?

I think so.

Wow.

Anyway, so that was my story.

What was your reaction like when, when you got hit? Did you just reach for your son? I can't imagine you getting hit.

Yeah, it went like this.

This is a podcast, Jason. So this is what I did, guys. Watch this.

Jason cam.

Did you guys get that?

I stuck my arm out. Hey, you know what's funny? My notes.

That's really sad. The whole motorcycle situation is really sad.

The which?

Huh?

He was fine. And I could have fucking taken him, sued him. I have to pay for it.

Are we cutting the part where you killed him after you got out of the car? Do you want us to cut that out of the podcast?

I mean, I'd like to be real with the people.

Let's cut it out. No, let's cut it out. Just leave this part in.

Okay, we can cut out—

Joe, make sure to cut out the part where Jason took out his machete and killed the guy. Okay.

Hey, you said something funny the other day.

Really?

Yeah, it was really funny. We left the doctor's office and like, I fucking hate when I do this to you because I like, anytime I fucking open up to you You never, you never just go, you never fucking agree with me. You never just go, yeah, well, that's the way things are. All you gotta do is be like, oh yeah, okay, what happened? I know, we're like leaving Dr. Seuss. We're on Sunset Boulevard, which is really nice here, West Hollywood. We're in a really nice area. And I just go, I just go, man, you know, opening up to David, my fucking first mistake. I go, man, you know, I kind of miss just like I miss just like— I'm like, I'm really grateful for like our jobs and stuff, and that's like so grateful for like have an audience now. It took me so long to get it. I'm so grateful. But what sometimes I just want to like just fucking like hang out, you know what I mean?

Like when I was like, like not worry about posting.

Yeah, don't worry about posting, just like fucking do my thing. Like when I was unemployed, it's like, yeah, you wanna go to the beach today? Fuck yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean? And then Dave was like, oh yeah, I bet it was great living with a millionaire wife, just fucking sucking off her come all the time. He goes— he's driving— he goes, fucking obviously, obviously that's gonna be fucking better. What the fuck are you saying?

No, I don't know. I just— I just think that our— I think that our job is already so great that I think it's so funny when— I understand where you're coming from, right? But it's like, but we have the fucking best job in the world.

So I know, but sometimes I just miss sitting at a coffee shop writing a script that no one's ever gonna read. Yeah, that's never gonna get made.

You miss failure.

I do. Yeah, I think I do miss failure because failure is like, yeah, it's so interesting. I couldn't even dissect it.

I was at—

and I should know a lot about it.

I was at a party and there was like, I don't know who I was standing next to, it was like one of the boys, and they're like, there were two girls talking to us and they go, what do you guys, what do you guys do? And I go, social media. Like, I don't really like getting into it, whatever. And then the conversation went on for another 2 minutes, and then they go, is your office located in LA? And I go, no, we just shoot videos. We just like, we don't really have an office. We just do like, we post videos. And she said, what do you mean post videos? And I go, we do YouTube. We're vloggers. And she goes, you're vloggers? Oh my God. Literally, this is exactly what she said. She goes, you're vloggers? Oh my God, and she walked away. What? I'm not making this up.

Where's that, Saddle Ranch?

No, this was at that party we went to, um, that big house. Fucking nuts. I've never seen anybody like that. You're vloggers? And then she left.

What'd she do? Huh? What'd she do?

I don't know, but it was— it was a dude. It was such a nice conversation. We were just talking about like work and like talking about like LA traffic, you know. LA stuff. Yeah, and like there was nobody was pissing anybody off, and then the second this person heard vloggers, just fucking dipped.

Really?

Yeah, vloggers is such a negative word to what we do. It's the worst.

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Moral of the story is get a new job, Jace. Go live with your ex-wife again. Well, maybe you had it better. I don't know, sometimes it's better to say you're unemployed than you're a vlogger. Jace, I want to give you a little gift. I want you to read the next ad.

Oh wow, David, thank you so much. Congratulations. Oh wow, this is an incredible company, guys. Postmates is our next ad. I literally use it like 4 times a week. Other than your absolute best friends, who could ask to bring you red wine at 4 PM, sushi at 9 PM, and a breakfast burrito at 8 AM? Postmates. I mean, I don't even think David would do that, and he's my best friend. Postmates is your personal food delivery, grocery store delivery, whatever you can think of delivery service all year round. No more trips to the store. You don't even have to know where the store is. Postmates. Will deliver anything to you. My friend Scott, he loves Postmates. He once Postmated an Apple Watch. Okay? That's insane. Someone brought him an Apple Watch, 'cause you know Scott's a busy guy. Download the app for iOS or Android for free. Browse local restaurants and businesses and track your delivery. Yeah, you can just track it. You literally see the guy driving up with your Apple Watch and you're like, okay, he's on Main Street. Okay, now he's on 3rd Street and now he's at my house and now I have an Apple Watch. 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, Postmates will bring you what you want within the hour. Anything you're craving, Postmates can deliver. They're the largest on— they're the largest on-demand network in the known universe with more than 25,000 partner merchants. For a limited time, Postmates is giving our listeners $100 of free delivery credit. Okay guys, you're getting $100 for your first 7 days to start your free deliveries. Download the app right now to use and use the code THEVIEWS. So the code is THEVIEWS, T-H-E-V-I-E-W-S. That's code THEVIEWS for $100 of free delivery credit for your first 7 days when you download the Postmates app. I mean, that's just an incredible offer. Go to Postmates right now, download it, use our code THEVIEWS, and I mean, you're gonna just fall in love with this app because it, it's incredible. It brings it right to your door, the exact thing you want. Get anything you need anytime you need it. Download Postmates and save with code The views. Okay, thank you, Postmates.

Holy shit, Jason, you fucking killed it.

Thank you so much, David. It was a lot of fun. I think I did a good job, and I'd love to read another ad in the future.

We'll see if we can have you back.

Oh, great.

The next segment of the podcast is called Joe Siniwe Podcast. It's a segment where we give our editor friend Joe 35 seconds to say whatever he wants. In return, he will edit our podcast. He just took off all his clothes and he's running outside. And he told us prior that he needs 10 seconds to set this up. So I don't really know what he's doing.

He has clam diggers on. If you guys know what clam diggers are, those are shorts that go below the knees.

He's bringing in a fucking swimming pool that's not going to be on camera. There's a swimming pool in our living room. It's very small, but it is a swimming pool.

Hey, look at it. It's a one-man band right now.

Wait, he's 25 seconds. What am I doing? All right, that's all the time we have for today's show.

Now he's got a big donut floaty. He's got a blanket.

So what camera's capturing this?

He has a sombrero on his head. What's up, weenies?

Welcome to the first annual JTWP pool party. He's saying this because he brought a small inflatable pool into my living room and he's now sitting in it. Joe, you have 12 seconds left. 12 seconds of fun. You guys want to hop in?

It's a little cold. I was gonna get burgers, but you guys, uh, it's friends only.

That's all, that's all the time we have. Hey, Joe, get out of here.

A+ for the video people, everything's wet. Minus for audio.

Everything's wet. Joe, what are you—

Joe, you're the camera guy now. It's all wet. How are you gonna run the cameras? You have to change your clothes.

He's fired. He's not back next week. Oh my God, this is my last week with Joe.

That was funny, Joe. I liked it. Oh, I love when you say to me, all you care about is money. You said that to me once.

I did?

Yeah, you go, all you care about is money, says the guy in a fucking $2.6 million house.

Why did I say that? What was the context?

You wanted me to go do something, and, and I was like, no, no, no, I have to make money. And you were like, fuck money, man, who cares? Let's go have fun. Fun. That's what it's about. It's about having a good time.

No, I think it was when we, when we got that podcast offer.

Was it Bellingham? Yeah, maybe, maybe it was.

We got like a— remember we got that big podcast offer? Oh yeah, did we talk about that? Well, how much was it? How much was it?

Bring it up.

How much was it for?

David, come on, man. Why you got— we're having a nice time.

A company wanted to buy our podcast for like, what was it, three-fourths of a million?

Yeah, $750,000.

$750,000. And they didn't want to buy it.

They wanted to fucking produce it.

They just want to produce it. They wanted to record video. And I was like, this is a bad look. I don't want it. And Jason was like, Jason was like, well, it's funny because like, because like Jason like will get mad at me, but like he knows that he can't convince me. So he'll go, okay, okay, that's fine. You don't want to do it. I'm not going to force you. Are you sure you don't want to do it? It's a lot of money. It's a lot of money, David. And I go, no, I'm good. Okay, and then no, I do this.

I go, I do a passive-aggressive thing. I get on the phone with the agents and the lawyers and I go, I go, look, if David's heart isn't in it, it's not gonna work. So my kids will starve.

Yeah, so anyway, so we got that. We definitely have talked about this, but we got an offer and it was like $750,000 and I turned it down. There was a lot more to it that like I'm not like talking about, but um, I turned it down, and then a couple months later the company just went— company shut down. So basically we wouldn't even have to do everything that they were asking for us to do. They would have had to pay us the money because they shut down. So that was a mistake. I should have taken the money, and then we would have literally— we would have gotten free money because they went bankrupt. They would have had to pay us. Fucking listen to me. There's been— oh, oh, there's this one time. Oh my God, this is the best. I've never talked about this. I worked for this thing I got a job once. It paid really well. Yeah, it was for this automated software on Twitter. It automates tweets and it replies to people automatically. And it's a robot that learns. So the more people that tweet at it, the more it learns about how to speak to people. And I was promoting it. Yeah, and I was getting like, I don't know, let's say like $30,000 for it, right? And I sent out my first tweet. I had to tweet like 4 different tweets. Sent out my first tweet. They didn't send me any of the money. And then I was gonna send out my second tweet, second tweet of 4 to promote this. And I get a call and they go, we gotta pull the entire thing because the robot got so advanced, I didn't even know how to put it. It started to say racial slurs to people because people were tweeting at it like racial slurs. So it was like mimicking other people that it was learning from. And it was like calling people the N-word and just like all bunch of shit. And it was like, it was, it was just really a really bad situation. It was a very bad PR situation for the company. And they called me and they're like, we have to shut the entire thing down. And they had to pay me all the money.

And they paid you it out.

They paid me all of it and then didn't have to promote anymore.

It was so, it's like an automated thing. So if you're like Wendy's or some brand, you can use this service. Yeah. Yeah. Automatically.

So I don't know. That's the best. It's the best. Cause when you get into like a contract with like these companies where you have to do something, And they pull out, they still have to pay you. All right, well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys. Oh, why?

It's all over?

Yeah, you bummed out?

I just love spending time with you.

Okay, let's go another 40 minutes.

I know, I fuck that.

All right, thank you guys for listening. This has been the Views Podcast. My name is David, that's been Jason. Make sure to like and subscribe. Tweet me @daviddobrik. And that's it. Don't tweet anybody else, just keep the tweets coming, flowing right to me.

Go see my show April 7th and tweet Jason at the Improv in Irvine, California, please.

Bye guys.