David's Vlog is for Sale

What's up guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where, fun fact guys, this is a real thing. Before the podcast starts, before Jason hits record, I just call him a bunch of mean names.

Yeah.

To get him fired up. And, and I wanna, and I wanna come clean about this right now because I feel bad.

Yeah. Um, I feel good about it.

You like it?

Finally the truth is coming out. I, I, I tell him some of the names you call me.

Well, just now I was, he was sitting there and no, no cameras were on, nothing. And I was just like, Come on, you little bitch. Let's go, you bitch. Let's start. And it's just to fire him up, because I like when he comes into the podcast hot and ready. Are you going to say anything?

I'm Rhett.

You're my co-host. Can you say some more other than ad-libs? What are you, some rapper?

I can't think of anything to say right now, because it's quarter to 4 in the morning.

Yeah.

And I have to pick my son up in an hour.

It's 3:41 AM, baby. But this fucking train is going off, and you're about to get on for a wild ride. So let's roll the intro music. Jason, lead us into the intro. Go say something funny.

This podcast is top rated.

Okay, roll intro music. Hi guys, what's up? Welcome to the podcast. I've had a while. First of all, can I start off by saying this?

Tell me.

So you know what the Streamy Awards are?

Yes.

They're like this internet thing. Guess what I found out the other day?

That you— yes, were nominated for Best Cast.

I was nominated for 6 different awards.

No, you weren't.

I have the most nominations in the Streamy Awards.

Shut the front door.

Isn't that crazy?

How many? Let's run them down. Which ones?

Don't know, but there's, there's 6 of them.

You haven't found out yet?

No, but I'm just so—

like, they create this many awards.

I don't know. That was very, very nice of them.

What could they get you for?

I don't know.

You know, they got you for podcast. I know they got you for David's podcast.

Uh, Best Director I got nominated for.

Best Director?

Yeah, you know, I do a direct here and there. I got nominated for my brand deal with Jennifer Lopez.

Direct Natalie how to fill the fridge.

Okay, um, no need to be announced.

The brand deal, right?

You're being an asshole because you're jealous of all my nominations.

That's so ridiculous.

Um, okay, so I did have a— I did have a wild weekend. I wanna—

tell me.

Well, First of all, I went to New York for a meeting the other day. And I used to say no to a bunch of meetings because it throws off my schedule like crazy. Like if I leave to a city, it just messes up everything. So we went to New York.

And it's working out perfectly. We're doing the podcast at 4:30 in the morning.

No, it's 3:43 AM. Anyway, we went to New York. This is what happened. We went to New York on my posting day. I post vlogs on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And we went on Monday morning.

Right?

Monday— no, Wednesday morning. Monday— fuck it, I don't know. I landed Monday morning.

Everything's fine.

I landed Monday morning— or sorry, we took off Monday morning and we landed at like 9:00 PM. And then I had to shoot the rest of my vlog in New York, and I didn't get the vlog up till 6:00 AM New York time. Oh my God, 6:00 AM. It's brutal. Wow. And then this is where it gets worse. And then I had to wake up— I went to bed at like 6:30 And then I woke up at 10 for my meeting. And my meeting was till like noon. And then at noon, we had to get to our car. First, okay, we actually went to Pop— we went to— at noon, I got out of the meeting and I got straight into a cab. I'm like, I'm going to get myself a meatball sub from fucking Potbelly's. No one can stop me.

Sure.

And the cab driver's like, where are you from? And I'm like, LA. Because for some reason, I love fucking bragging about the fact that I'm from LA. So I told him I'm from LA. Bad fucking move, because he drove me around the fucking— the same building 3 fucking times.

Why?

And, and I got out and I'm like, I'm sorry, dude, you, you're not taking us anywhere. I've been in here for 25 minutes. I gotta go. And I hopped out and I was at my fucking hotel where he picked me up.

Why did he— he wanted to give you a tour?

No, he was trying to— he didn't know— he thought I didn't know the city, which I didn't, because I didn't realize until we were by my hotel for a third time.

He took you in a circle?

He took me in a circle.

That's real. That's like, they don't do that anymore.

And I was sitting with Mike, who's from New York, and he was like fucking cussing him out. He's like, you just fucking took us in a circle. And the cab driver's like, what are you talking about? No, I did it. No, it's like, no, fuck you, we're getting out of this cab. Like, he was like really pissed at him. So I hop out of the cab, don't get my meatball sub, but now I have to hop into my car to take him to the airport, and I have to go home. So my entire journey, I didn't eat at all while I was there. I had mozzarella sticks.

You did get some mozzarella sticks though.

I did get mozzarella sticks.

That's good.

But yeah, so.

How were they?

Straight from my meeting, I got into my car to go to the airplane, go to the airport, and come back to LA. And then that's why I threw off today, because I just uploaded my vlog at 3:30 in the morning. I'm sorry, I'm bitching so much. I honestly, I'm so thankful.

You're not bitching, you're telling everybody what's going on.

I guess this is what a podcast is.

This is what a podcast is. They wanna hear you complain a little bit.

So tell me about you. Sorry, I have a cough.

Well, I just got back from Greece. I was international modeling over there.

At least one of us is having fun. How was Greece? You went on vacation with your girlfriend?

Yeah, I went on vacation with my girlfriend. I went to Mykonos.

Great.

I made the mistake of saying a few months ago, boy, I'd love to go to Mykonos. And then she's highly suggestible. So then we went to Mykonos. And then suddenly we were going to Mykonos. So much so that we were in the cab, and We had a couple days left and we met these girls from Germany. And they were like, you should go to Oktoberfest.

How did they say it though?

They just said, oh, you got to check out Oktoberfest.

I want to hear your German accent.

You want to hear my German accent?

Yeah.

Hello, you must go to Oktoberfest. Everyone sounds the same over in Europe anyway.

You think?

Pretty much. There's like a blanket accent you can do that just covers everybody.

OK, give me Italian.

Hey, how you doing? What's going on? Nice to see you. It's time to party.

Give me French.

It's time to party.

I guess they're a little bit different.

They're all the same.

So you guys went to Oktoberfest?

Yeah, but then we couldn't get tickets to Munich, so then we are suddenly going to Paris to Disneyland. So we went to Disneyland for a day. And Greece is funny. The people over in Greece are really chilled out.

What do you mean?

There's just nothing that— gets in their way. One of the things we had to take pictures to get a free room. So we got a free room while we were there.

Oh, like for the hotel?

Yeah, yeah. So part of the deal was like, come take these pictures in this hotel room. And we were like, OK, sure, we'll do that. No problem. And then the entire trip went by. And then they called us at like 6 o'clock on a Tuesday. And they were like, yes, we finally have time now for you to take the pictures. And I was like— I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. We have a bus coming. I'm like, we can't. We're going on a cruise right now. We tried to do this 10 times with you, but you just weren't ready for us.

They weren't responding?

Yeah. And then the guy took a really hard line. And he was like, no, you have to come. You have to do this. This is why. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm happy to help you. I can do it in the morning. I can do it tomorrow afternoon. And you could just hear— You could just hear him give up in his voice, like, just as the conversation was going on far too long for him to be interested at all. And he just goes, "Yeah, okay, never mind. Don't worry about it. It's fine." Like, he got really mad.

You never posted for the hotel?

No, we did post for the hotel a lot, but there was this one room where they have like a cave. Oh, and they were like, "Can you come take pictures in the cave room?" It's like a pool that goes through like a cave. So we were like, "Yeah, sure, we'll do it." And I would have done it, Sure, but they just, they just didn't have their act together.

They're just like, it's okay. Yeah, well, how was, how was Greece?

It's so nice. It's really cheap. The food's really good. The sunsets are amazing. The water's amazing.

How are the women, bro?

I, I wouldn't know. Trisha Paytas is the only girl for me. Yeah, that's— didn't have that tough.

As you say that, you look out the window, she's there. Um, no, that's awesome. And then are the people nice in Greece? Are the people People nice in Europe?

Yeah, everybody's super nice, super chilled out.

I heard a lot of people hate Americans there.

Yeah, we were in Paris, we got turned away to eat a lot. We felt like we were being discriminated against because we were American, and I had a big American flag hat on and my Make America Great Again hat that I wear everywhere I go. That probably didn't help.

You don't have that hat?

I don't wear that hat.

You don't have that hat? Not that you don't wear it. Huh? Do you have a Make America Great Again hat?

No, I don't have that hat.

Oh, okay. Not anymore. I traded it for my Make America Great Again sweatshirt.

Everybody's really chill. Like, sure, there's just no rush to do anything.

All the food places are probably scared you're gonna do a mukbang and eat all their food.

Well, they'd be lucky if we did. A lot of people—

okay, okay, okay, someone thinks highly of themselves. Oh, they could wish. Um, are you happy to be back?

Um, yeah, I'm super happy to be back.

Did you and, uh, Trisha get into any fights?

No, we didn't. We got along really good. We were just chilling out.

Basically, that's unlike you. Is everything okay?

Yeah, I know. At some points I was like, boy, I got nothing to vlog here. We're not arguing at all.

At some point you were like, hey, are we, are we okay? Is everything fine? Do you not care about this anymore? Because we're not arguing about anything. That's, that's what I would think. It was tough.

It was tough to get good vlog footage.

Did she have a good time?

Yeah, I think so. She had a great time. Yeah, a lot of models being shot everywhere. Everyone's beautiful.

Were you looking?

No, I don't look at all. I only have eyes for one woman.

So who's that?

Trisha Paytas.

Okay, good. You can't even make a joke because you'll get killed. You can't even make up a name. No, that's awesome. I went to a party the other day. My friend Seth invited me.

You were invited to a party?

Yeah, my friend Seth.

People keep inviting you to parties.

I don't know how it's happening.

It keeps happening, but they do invite you.

So Seth was inviting me to a party, and I was busy. I was shooting, and I'm like, dude, I don't know if I can make it. I don't know if I can make it. He's like, please come, bro. It's so so great, it's amazing.

Where was it?

It was in the hills. You ended up going to it. This was the other day. And, and I'm like, okay, send me a video, let me see how this party is. He sends me a video, it's a lot of people. I'm like, okay, cool, this could be, this could be fun to shoot at. So I stopped by, I'm like, Seth, I'm here. He's like, okay, my guy's coming to get you. And, and the guy came and got me, brought me upstairs. I'm like, oh, this is dope, this is dope. I text Seth, I'm like, Seth, uh, where are you? Let's, let's Let's meet. And he's like, oh man, I'm in, I'm in Sacramento. I'm in Sacramento. I'm not actually at the party. I was just trying to get people to go. And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? I came to this party to see you. And the video he sent me was not a video from him at all, but it sounded like him. So I thought that was him recording the video, but his— he told his friend to record the party, right? And then he sent it to Seth and then Seth sent it to me.

Oh wow. Yeah, this is killing me. I was at the party?

Yeah, you were at the party.

Describe the, the type of feelings at the party.

There was a bunch of girls all over you and—

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the part I remember. Yeah, that's every party, David.

I couldn't, I couldn't figure it out.

Never mind.

No, um, Trisha, if you're listening to this, that was a joke.

Yeah, you guys were sparring good tonight.

What, me and Trisha? Yeah, yeah, I was giving it back. I did not give a fuck. Yeah, I was savage as hell. I love you, Trisha. Please don't make an exposed video about me. Um, but I want to tell you what to not make an exposed video about— Robinhood. Because it's an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, options, and cryptos, all commission-free. They strive to make financial services work for everyone, not just the wealthy. Non-intimidating way for stock market newcomers to invest the first time with true confidence. Simple and intuitive, clear design with data presented in an easy-to-digest way. Guys, I mean, if you're trying to get into selling stocks and stuff, this is the way to do it. It's, it's the best way to start. It's goddamn Robinhood, and it's a cool name. Values of the Robinhood app: no commission fees. Other brokerages charge up to $10 for every trade, but Robinhood doesn't charge commission fees. Trade stocks and keep all of your profits. Design: easy of use, easy to understand charts and market data. Place a trade in just 4 taps on your smartphone. Robinhood web platform also lets you view stock collections, 100 most popular sectors like entertainment and social media, and curated categories like female CEOs. And analyst ratings of buy, hold, sell for every stock.

David, maybe when you get back into that Tesla market, remember when you bought all that Tesla stock?

Yeah, guys.

Robinhood is the one for you to use.

I bought $1 million of Tesla stock one day. If you listened to the podcast earlier, you'd probably know this. And the next day it dropped and I lost like, I don't know, $80,000 to $150,000. And then it ended up going back in 3 months and I sold it and I made like $7,000. But it was a very, very stupid investment. So I would suggest, if you're going to invest, do your research. Robinhood is giving listeners a free stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help you build your portfolio. Sign up at views.robinhood.com. That's views.robinhood.com. Guys, go check it out. Um, I have, I have something funny that happened.

Tell me.

Um, not to me, but, um, you know, I have these guys named David's Bitches. In my, right, in my, uh, in my videos.

These are 3 fellas from San Diego, 4 fellas from San Diego, and they wear these shorts that say David's Bitches on the back.

It says David's Bitch. And, and one of the, one of the guys is like really, really excited about it. And, um, this girl recognized him from, from my video. Yeah. And she was like, are you David's Bitch? And he's like, yeah, I am. And he's really excited, and he got laid from it. From being in my video. And on top of that, they were hooking up. Like, they were like doing foreplay and all kinds of stuff. This is fucking real. This is 100% true.

Okay.

She told him to go to his car and grab the shorts, the David's Bitches shorts.

No way.

I fucking shit you not.

No.

And she told him to go put them on. And he put them on, and they continued doing foreplay. And then he asked if he can take them off later. And she said yeah. Isn't that fucking crazy? Isn't that weird?

These are the shorts that he had on here tonight?

Yeah.

Oh my God, this is insane, man. It's getting— you're getting— you're getting 6 Streamy Awards.

Should I—

yeah, which you're more proud of, the 6 Streamy Awards or the David's Bitches?

David's Bitches. Um, do you know that Houston mayor pushes back against sex robot brothel? He's saying it's not the sort of business that I want. That's what he says. This is— Joe just gave me this. It's just a It's an article.

Please read some of it. How does it work?

Well, basically there's these—

How fast can I get to Houston before they close these down?

Okay, so it's basically a sex robot brothel.

Okay.

They want to open it, and there is no word when it will open, but it's not the sort of business that we advertise for or we seek to attract, or quite frankly, from my point of view, the sort of business that I want in the city of Houston. So basically—

Or are they— What kind of robots are we talking about here? Are they attractive? Are they soft?

It's all— It's all kind of stuff, which is why it's so amazing.

Are they all metal? Is it a microwave? What the fuck are we talking about here?

Yeah, it's a little— it's a little— no, I mean, it's incredible because there's men, there's women.

There's— okay, well, not really if they're robots. There's male robots.

There's male—

And there's female robots.

There's all kinds of robots. That's amazing. And if you want, you can mix and match. So you can get one female robot, one male robot.

Oh, sure. Of course. Why wouldn't you?

Yeah. You could probably even get robots with like 3 tits, 4 tits.

Yeah, you fuck the toaster if you want.

You can be having sex with a robot that really powers your toaster strudel to come out the other end. And instead of them finishing, they just put the icing on top of the toaster strudel. That could be the whole thing. I don't know.

This is a non-story. This is not true.

Quite frankly, I think the mayor of Houston is being a giant prick by saying—

Yeah, who's it hurting?

Yeah, who's— What's your— what's your problem, bro?

Well, this is actually a great way to solve, you know, the sex— sex worker problem, actually. Yeah, all the problems that come along with, you know, people who like sex, their life, just—

yeah, sex trafficking, perverts, all kinds of shit. Like, if you have robots—

well, it's not gonna cure perverts.

Well, but I— listen, if, if I, if I was a pervert and I could do some illegal stuff or go to a legal brothel—

yeah.

That has robots, I would choose the robots other than putting myself in danger, right?

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

I mean, I don't know, would you?

No, I guess you're right.

I mean, I guess that leads me to my next question. Would you ever have sex with a robot?

I mean, sure, like if it was like good sex, you know, if it felt like the real thing.

Sure. And what would you name your robot? And would you want the robot to shout things at you?

Yeah, definitely. I mean, I want, you know, I'd call her like B-9474.

You like that? B-9474.

This is just, this is just a story that someone put up on the internet just because they were bored. I know it's on like, it's on like major publications like Fox News. I'm reading it right now, but it doesn't exist and it doesn't happen and it's not happening.

No, it's an actual thing.

Okay, well, how close are they to the robots?

Jason, you are too invested in this.

No, I need to see what the robots look like.

They look like fucking girls and boys.

No, they don't.

Please fuck off.

Oh, so do you think they look like those, um, those RealDolls? Do you know what a RealDoll is?

No, what's a RealDoll?

A RealDoll is like, you know, it's like an animatronic. It's like a fake doll, like a sex doll. Yeah, not like a blow-up doll though. Like, they make ones that are like— not that I would know.

No, they look pretty real. I mean, it's not like— yeah, it's nothing to mess around with. Oh, have you, have you ever used like a sex toy?

Yeah, I mean, okay, here's all her money.

Here's, here's a picture. Here's a picture of the robot. You see?

Um, you're like, that's not bad at all.

Like, that's not my type. You don't sound as excited as you did before. Um, but okay, have you, have you— do you have any crazy sex stories from you or your friends in high school?

Dehumidifier? That's not a woman. Crazy sex stories from when?

From like when you guys were in high school.

No, I didn't have a lot of sex in high school. I wasn't privileged.

Oh, I'm not even saying sex. I told you my friends would used to do that thing where they would cum on a cookie.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's a real thing.

We didn't do that.

My friends would sit around a cookie and they would circle jerk around it. And they'd masturbate. And last person to finish on top of the cookie would have to eat it. It's called Soggy Biscuit.

I can't top that one, Dave. Hey, watch the documentary on Martin Luther King on the plane.

Okay, that's a weird transition.

This is a real— this is a real man right here. Okay, man, you got to watch this documentary. Well, we don't have to talk about it, but you've got to watch this documentary.

Okay, I will.

Can we talk King of the Wilderness?

Can you just choose your transitions a little bit better?

You're talking about jacking off on a cookie and I immediately thought about civil rights.

I know. That's why I'm saying—

I know, but you got you this guy. He was unbelievable, David. Just such an unbelievable man. Well, listen, I was crying on the plane watching this documentary about him. It was about the last 3 years of his life, and it was so—

No, he's fucking incredible. Fuck.

I mean, like, you learn about him in school, and then I kind of forgot about him. Yeah, which is awful. But like, then I was like, oh my God, I was like, I forgot about all the fucking shit he went through. He was so tortured. Yeah, he, he, he literally like like, you know, by the end he just felt like he welcomed death pretty much. He was like ready to go because his life was so shitty. Like, he felt like he wasn't doing enough.

I feel like if someone like ever wanted to like have a trailer of this podcast, or someone was like, what's their podcast about? If you play the last 2 minutes, it's like a perfect representation of what it is. It went from soggy biscuit and cumming on crackers to you have no idea what Martin Luther King did for this country. We really cover all bases here on The Views podcast.

It's so sad because like, you know, he felt like— he felt like a failure as he died. And but he wasn't, David. Like, he did it, but he, he kind of did it.

Like, no, he didn't live to see it. Who's, who's, who's your number one like idol? Like, who do you look up to? Why are you laughing?

My number one idol?

Yeah, who do you look up to?

Jake Paul.

Come on. Um, um, who's your inspiration?

My— honestly, I— after seeing that documentary, like, living or dead, anybody, just fucking— I— Martin Luther King is a huge inspiration to me since yesterday. Since yesterday.

What about growing up? Who did you always look up to? Was there a comedian?

Uh, oh yeah, lunch lady. Well, Eddie Murphy when I was growing up. Really? Yeah, Eddie Murphy was my favorite.

What was your favorite joke of his?

He used to do a— his father would come home drunk with a paycheck.

Wait, say what?

He'd do his father every Friday when he'd come home drunk with his paycheck. And he'd be like, hey, hey, who's home? He's like, he'd like wake Eddie up with his paycheck. He'd be like, hey, hey, get the fuck up, get up, get the fuck up. He's like, hey, look at here, that's right there, that's $500. $500. You know, you have every penny, every penny if you beat my ass. $500. And then Eddie Murphy goes, we beat the shit out of that old man. Holy fuck, those are my favorite jokes.

Holy fuck.

Yeah, another one of my favorite jokes is, uh, Norm MacDonald's joke.

That is so good.

When you ever see a homeless person with a dog—

wait, say it again.

One of my other favorite, favorite jokes is when you see a homeless person with a dog Sure. And then he goes, and you're like, hey, and the dog's like, hey, I can do this by myself. Oh, fuck. Well, it's true.

I know, I know. It is really sad when you see homeless person with a dog.

Another one of my favorite jokes is Steve Martin's joke. This is one of my favorite. I, I called my mother the other day. My mom— my mother called me the other day and she asked me for $5 for some food. Oh God, those are my 3 favorite jokes.

Oh wait, wait, wait, what was the— what was that joke? The last one, can you rewind that?

What?

The, the last joke, can you explain it to me a little bit more?

Oh well, you know, his mom wants— needs $5 for food, Dave.

Oh, I guess if you think about it, it's just goofy.

It's just goofy.

Yeah, you should have started with that one because the first 2 were really good.

It's too short. It's— I know it's a very short joke, but it's so funny. I've been watching lots of comedians lately. Lots of— I've been watching lots of like YouTube, Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson.

Yeah, you were friends with a lot of comedians.

I was friends with a lot of comedians, and I was never friends with Joe Rogan, but, but, but yeah, I've been really getting into— I go down these rabbit holes of comedians that steal jokes, stuff like that. I go down like MeToo rabbit holes.

Yeah, there's a lot on the internet.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, you get a lot on the internet.

You could do it.

We can get all kinds of stuff on the internet.

Why'd you laugh like that?

Yeah, what?

Why'd you laugh?

It's just, it's just like a real blanket obvious statement. Like, I know we're dancing around like topics that we don't want to talk about, so instead you just go, oh yeah. Oh, honestly, I mean, let's be honest, we don't, we don't like to talk about controversial things on here because you just our asses chewed out on Twitter the next day, and then it bothers us for a week.

Yeah.

But I mean, it's really crazy. Our audience is like, you know, they don't like sensitive subjects.

Yeah, it's kind of sick.

And so it's very hard to—

I wasn't paying attention to you, that's why I said—

Oh, so maybe that was the reason.

That's why I said, yeah, the internet's got a lot.

I was ignoring you again, so that's what I said. I say when I'm ignoring you?

You know, you know what's not smart?

Tell me.

Job sites that over— overwhelm you with tons of the wrong resumes.

Ugh.

But you know what is smart?

ZipRecruiter.

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I found my assistant through ZipRecruiter.

Yeah, ZipRecruiter is bomb, bro. They do it all.

I mean, I knew him before then.

And right now our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free. Jason, shut the fuck up.

I'm trying to— I'm trying to tell you that ZipRecruiter is good.

Bro, they put— why would I be plugging it in this podcast if it's not hot flames? And right now our ZipRecruiter— and right now our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at the exclusive website address ziprecruiter.com/nash. That's ziprecruiter.com/nash.

ZipRecruiter.com/nash. Are we writing down all the edits?

ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to— I had to say it again. This ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire, guys. So We're going to be start— we're going to start recording. Um, we're going to start recording our podcast.

We haven't been recording?

No. Oh shit, we should fucking check. Have we been recording? Oh, thank the Lord we have. Okay, because sometimes, sometimes we stop recording. Um, okay, so we're gonna start recording the podcast, and we have our friend Joe who's gonna help us with the podcast, and he's gonna be editing the videos together and posting it, doing all that stuff for us. And in return, in return, Joe doesn't want us to pay up. Joe doesn't want us to pay him.

This is David's favorite kind of person.

Yeah, this is— Joe doesn't want us to pay him. He wants us to give him 25 seconds on the podcast every episode.

25?

25 seconds. And I know this isn't being recorded on video, but I'm going to give Joe a little bit of 25 seconds right now. I'm going to hand it over to Joe. This is Joe's spot. First of all, in return—

This is a bad idea.

Why?

Because there's no good thing that's going to— he's not going to be able to say anything good in 25 seconds. It's a lose-lose.

OK, on your marks, get set, go. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, this is Joe coming in live with Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast.

First off, what's the deal with vacation days?

Holiday pay, time and a half. I have a wedding coming up in June, just as a heads up. So I need that Wednesday off.

We're going to be talking segments, Dishing Dirt with David, and Just Joshing with Jason.

I do podcast ads as well. So ZipRecruiter, if you want to hit me up, I do spots for half the price that they're charging.

You guys can find me on MySpace at I'll Hit Showtime.

That was 25 seconds.

Oh man, that was a hot podcast.

Joe told me, Joe told, I don't know if he was kidding, but Joe told me that he was gonna start selling ads in his 25-second segment, which I find really fucked up. If he turns around, if, if all of a sudden I give him the thing and he starts going, Skittles, the fucking smartest, the smartest candy in the world, I'm gonna stab him right in the eye.

Sounds, sounds like he got ZipRecruiter too.

Yeah. ZipRecruiter got double the ads because Joe's reading one. Okay, so that was Joe's payment. So now we continue with the podcast as normal. I have another headline for you. Joe, Joe, just keep pulling these headlines up. These are great. Spanish police found 8,000 pounds of stolen oranges stuffed into someone's car. Makes you think, who is this fucking thief and what is he doing? And it makes you—

this is the story that caught your eye?

Yes. Well, obviously, find another one. Find another story. Obviously Obviously he's making orange juice. I mean, I mean, it's, it's here. Oh, here's a picture. Holy fuck. Obviously he's making orange juice, right? There's no, there's no ands or buts about it.

Guys, you pulled this from Cracked magazine.

What's that?

It's a fucking fake magazine. It's a cartoon.

Ah, fuck.

Is it? It's a comic strip, you dumbass. This is the generation we live with. You are all fucking morons. You're pulling headlines from fucking Archie Comics.

Okay, so This is from Cracked. Okay, so you— It's a fake story. So what you're trying to tell me is the story about Bin Laden running for president is not true? No, no, no.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

You gotta—

You pull a story from Cracked.

No, let's sit and figure this out. Let's sit and figure this out, okay? So there's 8,000. Let's just— Maybe this is fucking true. Maybe it's based on a true story.

Joe, see if it's true.

Okay, no, Joe, pull up another story. Okay, so there's 8,000— 8,000 oranges.

Yeah.

So this asshole stole these oranges, so we know he's a dick. Okay. And let's say he's making orange juice. Okay. There's only one assumption I can make from a fucking douche who steals oranges. He's making orange juice and it's not pulp-free because he's an asshole and all of it has just a shit ton of pulp. And you can tell.

Oh, what's wrong with pulp? Oh, you like pulp in my orange juice? Yeah, I love it. I love it. You like smoothies? No, you like real fruit.

You're an asshole. You actually like pulp?

I love pulp.

Are you a guy that gets extra pulp?

Oh, so you're, you're, you're high maintenance. You got to pick your pulp out. Is that what you're trying to say? You're a high maintenance guy. Your mom's got to sit there and go, oh, sorry David, let me pull it all out.

No, she doesn't have to pull it out. She just buys the no pulp orange juice.

Why wouldn't you want like the real taste of the fruit? Pulp, baby.

Because then I would eat the fucking orange, bro. When I drink something, I don't want to, I don't want to make it feel like someone chewed it up and spit into my mouth.

I— but it's all about the texture. You get the texture of the little pieces of orange in your mouth.

You'll get textures when I put my balls in your mouth.

Oh, now come on, that's unnecessary. You didn't have to go there. Boy, we're having a decent argument about pulp and no pulp, and what do you do? Talk about putting your dick in my mouth. Thanks a lot.

Joe just pulled up another article, and I— this one, I will— this one, I'll be honest with you, I think this one's bullshit. The title of it— I'm gonna read it. I— it's, it's under the animal section.

You'd be the worst newscaster.

It's It's a seal slapped a kayaker in the face with an octopus.

Now, hot stories.

Now, it makes you think, right? Like, what is this octopus going through that it had to use a seal to slap it rather than its 8 tentacles? It's just, it really puts you in a spot.

I'm David Dobrik with the nightly news. There's a bunch of stories that my friends gave me, and some of them may be real, some of them may not be.

Tell me another one. It's pretty fucking insane.

Anyway, the seal hit somebody with an octopus.

That's not entertaining anymore. Jason, tell me, tell me something new about your life that I don't, that I don't know.

Well, I have a new painting on my wall.

Yes, I painted my face on Jason's wall.

Mm-hmm. He painted, he painted his face on my wall. I got a call from in Greece, which is, you know, it's 12 hours ahead, from the landlord that someone had broken into the house.

It was me.

It was David.

I set off the alarm.

Yeah, he set off the alarm.

I didn't know you had an alarm. Congratulations on that, by the way.

Yeah, I do.

That's nice. I like that you're staying safe.

I left you a key.

Sure.

But, uh, but I didn't know you were gonna go in.

Yeah, I didn't. I didn't. Honestly, I didn't know that too. But then when you left, I'm like, the door's— it's just sitting there for me. I have to go in, right?

And I know that, like, David's holding his phone right now. He's being so lousy.

Fair.

He's like, he's like, uh, you know, the door was open and—

I'm holding my phone because I need to tell you about something.

Oh, what do you got?

Stitch Fix. It's an online personal styling service.

Oh, I have all my Stitch Fix clothes that came.

Really?

Yeah, look really good.

I doubt it. I don't think anything can help you. Even though this is a great app, Stitch Fix finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle. Just go to stitchfix.com /views and tell them your sizes, what styles you like, and how much you want to spend on each item. You'll be paired with your very own personal stylist who will handpick 5 items to send right to your door. Jason, you should be hired as one of the stylists to send things to people's door.

Oh, I mean, I would love that if Stitch Fix wants to do something. I can dress, um, dress you for the day or something. They sent me a bunch of clothes already. I'm already looking great.

Sometimes I like, I just like go silent and I want to see how long you can just talk for.

Hmm, I mean, I can keep talking. I can talk a while. Never mind, you're right, I've run out of things to say.

Then you try them on, pay only for what you love, and return the rest. Shipping, exchanges, and returns are always free. There's no subscription— there's no subscription— there's no subscription required. You can sign up to receive scheduled shipments or get your fix whenever you want. Stitch Fix styling fee is only $20. Which is applied toward anything you keep from your shipment.

That was one of, one of your funnier stutters. And why?

Get started now at stitchfix.com/views and you'll get an extra 25% off when you keep all 5 items in your box. That's stitchfix.com/views to get started today.

stitchfix.com/views.

I mean, they really wanted you to go to the Streamys.

They created other award categories to get you to go because if they'd given you 3 nominations You would have been like, oh, that's really nice. I should go. Yeah, but now it's 6.

They gave us 6.

You have to be a real fucking asshole not to show up.

No, I have to go.

And have to go.

What's exciting is that we will just create more categories.

That'll get them there.

We're nominated for the podcast. How great is that?

We are nominated, but the competition is fierce.

Yeah, honestly, Casey's podcast the other day was good.

It's really good. Of course it is.

Casey Neistat.

Yeah, you know Casey Neistat.

Goddamn it, that fucking bastard. He's sneaking up on us. I know he is.

It's good.

He's a little son of a bitch.

Yeah, he's got a lot of ads too.

He has? How many ads does he have?

No, not a lot.

He had one. Not more than us, I hope.

No, no, no, no. We're the king of that. We're the biggest whores. Trust us. I'm sure Casey would've stopped it at 3 on his podcast.

Not us. We'll do 7. Oh, we have 15 ads today. Okay.

Honestly, to be clear, I only heard him do one ad.

Yeah. I mean, I like the ads. I feel like people like it. I don't know.

Yeah, whatever. I mean, listen, we gotta do this podcast. It's fine. People love it. They like the podcast. You know what I like about the podcast?

What?

I saw a lot of tweets last week about people with kids. I saw at least 5 tweets about people who are parents tweeting me who listen to the podcast.

What did they say?

Like little ones?

Yeah.

What did they say, that we help the baby sleep better?

They said, yeah, they said, your voice, David, it make everything better.

Oh, can I do a call to action?

Call to action, yeah.

Guys, if you are a company I'm willing to do this. Look what I'm about to do. This is fucking crazy. Okay, I am officially making zero, zero to very little amount on my vlogs. What? It has gone—

what are you doing?

It has gone full cycle.

Is that because you're spending so much or you're not monetized?

I'm not monetized. All my videos are just getting claimed. I'm getting zero dollars for everything. Now listen, this is what I'm willing to do, Jason. This is the idea I had today. I will offer 7 seconds in the beginning of all of my vlogs to one company for the next 6 months or however long they please.

Sure.

For X amount of money a spot. That sounds pretty good.

That sounds fair.

So every day the vlog starts with, this is sponsored by SeatGeek. Thank you, SeatGeek. SeatGeek is the best. And here goes the vlog.

A Panic! at the Disco parody, and you could go, this is sponsored by SeatGeek.

Yeah.

You don't know that song.

Okay, so if there's any companies out there that are listening to this right now, yeah, I don't give a fuck what you just said. No, I'm kidding.

I have a dream that David's vlog will be fully monetized.

God, that'd be fucking great. But yeah, if you're a company out there and you're listening to this podcast and you want my main channel vlog, every vlog to begin with your company, hit me up in my email and we got a deal.

And yeah, and you know, there won't be a ton of Heath drinking piss in that particular vlog.

No, it'll be an inappropriate vlog, but you gotta fucking chill, guys. We don't have much time. We have to end the podcast. We don't? No.

But I'm just getting started here.

I will say the middle of this podcast was my favorite part of the podcast we've actually ever had.

Oh, good.

And it was, you know, it was thanks to Joe because he pulled up that article about the oranges and then about the sex robots.

I can't wait to listen to Joe's podcast.

I saw, I saw. You want to race? Here's 3 more seconds.

Hey guys, it's Joe.

Fuck off.

I'll take your topics though and steal them for our show.

Yeah, I like that. Those topics were good.

Those were good.

Jason, where can people find those sex robots, for people wondering?

Uh, not in Houston.

Not in Houston.

But I know of a thing called, um, The RealDoll, if you want to buy an actual sex robot. Like, if you don't want to mess around and have a partner and put up with someone day in and day out.

Okay, come, come down.

Or if you can't get a girlfriend or boyfriend, you can buy a sex doll.

What does it do?

I don't know, they're really not that great.

Do they talk to you? No, no, no.

And these don't either, these, these robot dolls, do they?

I don't know, do they vlog with you?

That's all you want to know. Oh, we miss Liza. Liza was the best vlog buddy.

The best vlog buddy.

Nobody better than Liza in a vlog.

Um, but yeah, okay guys, thank you guys for listening. Go vote for us at the Streamys. Jason, are you nominated for anything?

Just the podcast.

That's great. Go vote for Jason for the podcast.

Yeah, vote for me for the podcast.

Um, and yeah, go, um, Go follow me on Twitter. Go follow Jason on something. I don't know, you know. Yeah, have a good time.

Hit me up. I'm coming back strong this week, guys. I'm gonna be all over social media posting things. I just need some ideas. If you have any ideas, tweet me tomorrow. Yeah, cuz I am 45 and I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Yeah, a lot of people don't give— Okay, you got to stop being so dark.

Me?

You got to end this on a positive note.

No, no, like I love my life. Like I'm super happy. Like I love you guys. I love being here.

I'm just Just, just die.

Just die, you know what I mean? Like, I'm happy to be along for the ride. Like, sure, it's great. Like, I help you, I love the podcast, you know, I make some vlogs with Trisha.

Did you— did you enjoy today, guys?

I love the podcast today.

Right now it's 4:20 in the morning. Oh yeah, fucking crazy. We went—

I haven't made it up. Passing the joint, man.

Guys, fun fact, I have a meeting in 5 hours. I have a meeting, and then right after that I have another meeting.

Guys, fun fact, I have to to pick up Wyatt at 5— at like 6:15.

Oh, do you actually—

2 hours.

You gotta pick up your son?

Yeah.

You want me to go pick him up with you?

No, you should get some rest.

Thanks, man.

You could though.

See, this is that positive note I was talking about.

I'm positive.

Looking out for him, guys.

I know, it's— you're right, you're right. I get, I get down in the dumps because I'm 45. Hey, hey, it's not even that.

Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something?

Get done. I'm done.

Can I tell you something?

What?

I would too.

Jason, honestly, if I were you, I'd fucking blow my head off too.

All right, I'll see you guys later. Bye. My name is Jeff.