David's Darkest Secret

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. I'm with my co-host Jason.

What's going on?

You gotta insult him now. Who are you? You gotta say something mean about him.

Uh, you're a poopy head.

There we go. Okay. What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast we have been neglecting. Might as well change the name to Charlie and Wyatt. Instead of you. No, I'm kidding. Those are Jason's kids.

I've actually spent a lot of time with my kids.

No, he hasn't been doing the podcast. We haven't been doing the podcast. Jason has been refusing to.

Why don't you be honest with everybody and say you shit the bed, bro?

Okay, maybe I have been shitting the bed, as Jason would say.

That's like a Boston term. That's the thing my dad would say, like a Celtic, if he wasn't playing well that year. Ah, you shit the bed.

Well, I'm not shitting anything, and we're here to stay.

I shit the bed this morning.

Remember when I— what?

Never mind.

This morning, Natalie texted me asking me to get her—

oh God, come on.

It's so— it sucks. The second you text texted me it, I felt really bad because you have to talk about it. Yeah, she texted me a picture of Bonic Life.

No, boric acid.

Oh, it's called Boric Life, and, and it's like a weed. It's, yeah, it's in cursive, and it's, it's to promote vaginal balance and supports odor control. And she texts me and she goes, can you find this for me today?

I thought I was texting Reggie.

She thought she was texting her assistant.

No way.

And I respond, no fucking way. Yeah. And I respond in all caps, hahaha. And she goes, and a face cleanser. Cleanser mini. And then I don't respond for a minute, and she goes, ha, fuck me, how? God damn it. And she goes, I had no idea. She goes, I just watched a TikTok and it said it's safe and makes your vagina smell like roses. And then I said, no need to explain yourself, Natalie, we all know it's stinky down there. So you were getting a vagina cleanser to make it smell better?

I saw this, I saw a TikTok literally 2 seconds before I texted that screenshot.

That's the most embarrassing thing to send.

It's embarrassing.

You couldn't send anything more embarrassing? Yeah, I was just saying, like, Todd, your dildo is still ass. I mean, even that—

nothing. That text coming to me wouldn't be as embarrassing as my vagina stinks.

Yep.

And I need some odor control. What does it smell like?

It just smells like a vagina.

Yeah, but obviously you need to do something.

No, because I saw a TikTok and this girl was raving about it. She was like, do this for one day.

You sure? This looks like, like a 10-year supply.

Is it a spray or do you eat it?

No, it's a suppository. Like, stick it up there.

Yeah.

Have you ever, um, stuck a suppository in your butt?

No. What does it do?

It makes you— if you're like backed up, you stick a little suppository, it's this little thing. You just stick it up there for like 5 minutes.

You're revealing a lot about yourself right now.

No, no, I've actually never done it. I swear, deadass, I've never stuck it so far.

What up her ass? Natalie reveals what's in her ass.

You should get Jason Botox.

Really?

Can you imagine?

Like, I got it already.

Not enough.

What worries me about this podcast— what worries me about this podcast is the gag is that Jason is the old guy.

Yeah.

And I'm the young guy. But like, I'm starting to get old. I'm 25, and soon as It's not gonna be a gag.

No, you're young till like you're 30.

Also, Jason is also aging, so he— as you get old, he also—

but once you get past a certain age, you're just old.

And just put me out back and shoot me in the head.

Oh my God, I don't think that's what he's trying to say.

Oh man, he's too old now. Bring in the next one.

Spider-Man trailer coming out.

It already came out. Okay, once this podcast gets uploaded in 3 months, the movie probably already came out.

I was like, wait, how did— how have we not seen it? I feel like you would have shown everybody.

Yeah, big Spider-Man hype coming. I'm really excited about that. Yeah, I'm super—

I'm Happy that somebody out there likes something and is happy about something.

What do you mean? Everybody loves Spider-Man. Now you guys are fucking assholes about like how much I said I'm happy for you.

I wasn't saying I wasn't making fun of you. I think it's nice.

No, it's nice, but I'm just saying like I really wish you guys got into the movies.

You know what?

You know when you see like somebody that likes sports and they're like having the best time, but sports are different.

This is like life. They say there's so much wrapped up into this movie that's coming out. What?

Marvel is made up.

Now don't make me—

it's not real.

Sock you in the face. I punched Natalie in the face the the other day on accident, and people were like, what the fuck did he just do? And we were just going through the comments and we were just like, what the fuck? People were like, we were like, what did we do?

Yeah, we just posted it.

We posted it and then like, we got like— it's weird. It's weird when you post something that's between two people and then people get mad at you. Like, people start feeling the way that the other person should be feeling, right? Does that make sense?

Right?

Like, Natalie should be the one that's pissed, if anything, but then like other people get mad on her behalf and then she's confused and then she's like, should I be mad?

Yeah, right, right. Yeah, it's a parasocial relationship, right?

When we posted that TikTok, Jason walked in here and he was like, I left you alone in here for 6 hours and this is what you guys came up with? This was your TikTok?

You guys canceled your fucking selves.

You guys canceled yourselves. It's just you two. So yeah, I'm sorry for hitting you in the face, Nat.

Listen, I have an announcement to make.

Yeah, starting a podcast with Josh Peck.

No, I, um, I'm gonna become an F1 driver.

You know, when we were in Dubai and we were racing the F1 stuff, Ilya looked the best in his, like, whole racer outfit. And I was like, honestly? Because a lot of F1 drivers are, like, a little bit shorter.

Yeah. And then should we tell what happened when we actually did race?

Well, then we found out that he's actually not good at driving.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Back up. Okay. I'm not.

And my favorite part is, coincidentally, somehow, he had the slowest car.

It's not coincidental.

And we got back, and the guy that works with all the cars his entire life goes, this is not possible. These are all the same car. So fast.

No, no, they. Yes, they were all the same car. But my car was sl. I'm telling you. Okay, bro, you would pass me up on the straightaway. How's that possible if we have the same speed car?

I don't know how to drive.

Yes, bro, I know how to drive better than you. You don't know how to drive manual.

Yeah, I learned pretty quickly and I still beat you. Oh my god, my first time learning manual and I beat him. That's pretty crazy.

Everything with you guys on that Europe trip is the ego thing. Everything.

It's not— my dick's bigger, I can do it better.

Well, actually, his dick is bigger.

Let's go, let's go back to the beginning of the Dubai trip. Okay, we just went to Dubai. Every time we go on a trip, we're filming a show. For Discovery Plus. It's called "Discovering David Dobrik." The first episode is actually out now. We go to Slovakia and Croatia, so go watch it. But we went to Dubai and we were terrified because there was like crazy rules. We have to have these meetings before we go to a country. It's called cultural sensitivity training. And basically it's a person comes that's like a representative of the country or like just knows a lot about different cultures. And they tell us all the dos and don'ts of every country. So we're on Zoom sitting with this person and it's like, no swearing, no drinking in public. Really, no drinking? There's no like, don't show your shoulders, no signs of affection, like you cannot kiss. Like someone got 15 years in prison in Dubai for kissing on the beach. And then another person got 25 years in Dubai for smoking a CBD pen. Not smoking, just having it in the car. Someone found it in their car and they were sentenced to 25 years in prison. Like they take everything there really strict. And one of the rules, I Googled it, and you're not allowed to watch porn. Terrifying, which was horrifying for me and Natalie, um, two people that really take it in. No, that was scary for me and Ilya.

You brought your own porn, right?

Yeah, so what he did is he screen— he screen recorded porn when he was in America. He knows my type, so he recorded videos for everybody in the friend group. Yeah, even for Todd.

Well, Todd and I have the same type, so it's pretty easy.

So he just sent him his.

But like, you and Todd have the same type?

Yeah, big boobs, big butts. Sorry, Nat.

I don't have big boobs.

I know.

Elliot goes, yeah, we're the same type, stupid fucking girls. And I was like, what? It's a screen recording. So I see him scrub, like I see the screen recording where he's scrubbing through the video and he skips all the foreplay parts. So like everything where they're like taking each other's clothes off, like the best moments of it, he scrubs through and goes straight to like the blowjob, like, like, like, like the real intense stuff, like right away. And I'm so pissed because those are my favorite parts. Time I watched it, showed all of us on the bus.

It was really funny to watch the recording. It's like you see her like coming, it's like, and all of a sudden it's like, you see her like walk through the door.

Like, I think it's like a scene where she's like, um, she's like a real estate agent or whatever, and she's walking in and it's like she's showing the guy the house, and the second she opens the door, it scrubs to where they're on, like, on the bed. And I like the storyline, like, I like the plot, I like to learn about the characters.

Like, listen, bro, I didn't have all night.

Yeah.

Okay.

So I just had to fucking make with what I had.

But I still appreciated the fact that, like, it was nice of you.

I was looking out for you guys.

We were in Europe. Did you guys douche?

No, I never used the bidet ever when you were there.

I fucking love bidets. I love cleaning my asshole with my fingers.

Bidet?

No.

What'd you say?

I said I love—

You love cleaning your ass?

I love cleaning my asshole with fingers. Like, I really like to deep, like, dig deep.

Use the bidet and then use your fingers?

The reason I'm sighing like that is because I don't know if I've already admitted, but like, I mean, I wish we could get my mom in here right now.

Oh, you like to do it too?

Well, I think I told the story on the podcast. This is so embarrassing.

Oh my God, why?

Because it's like just gross.

What's gross?

But when I was younger, after I would number two—

oh my God, you stick a finger in your butt?

Worse. This is so much worse.

Oh my God, I'm gonna throw up.

No, it's not that bad.

In your vagina?

Now I'm hopping up. I don't have a vagina. I would sit on the sink And I'd wash my butt.

I washed my butt too in the sink.

Oh, that's not that bad.

It's not that bad.

Really?

You were doing it, yeah.

No, I was like freshman in high school. No, I'm not even kidding. Really? Yeah, I was pretty old.

Wait, when you wash your butt?

'Cause it was just natural to me. Like, that's what I learned. My parents were always like, wash your butt.

And then it was at the pep rally.

There was one time I was washing it and I would never actually go number 2 in public 'cause I knew I couldn't access, I couldn't sit on the public sinks.

That's why?

'Cause I know that that would create problems.

I knew that you didn't want to go number 2 in public ever, but I thought it was just 'cause like you were embarrassed of the smell or something.

No, no, no, it's just 'cause I know I needed to do the sink process after. But there's one time I was sitting on the sink and I was like splashing water into my ass and my mom opened the door. And I remember it was like, it was embarrassing, but I know she understood 'cause she's the one that taught me it. But it was still like, she taught me like 6 years prior. Oh, you know what?

What?

Actually not too far after that happened, my mom bought flushable wipes. So I think that was like the turning point.

No, she probably went down to your dad.

She's like, "Paulo, he's still doing it." Jane, Nat's been on my case about not talking to my parents enough.

Oh yeah. Yeah, you're really bad at that, bro. You're fucking lucky because they have 3 other kids to worry about.

You're saying I'm lucky because it's divided more?

Yes.

It's just like, Ilya, give Dave a kiss, a good night. Oh God, right during a good conversation. Right when Natalie said— we started this podcast 45 minutes ago and I go, Ilya, turn all your fucking alarms off. And one of his alarms is to kiss me good night every night at 8:45. And Natalie's like, Knowing us, that alarm's gonna go off right during an important conversation. And here we are unraveling my life and why I am the way I am, and Ilya's dumbass alarm goes off.

I thought you're gonna put the alarm off for like an hour, not 15 minutes. It just went off 15 minutes later.

Why are you screaming?

Just turn the fucking thing off.

I want to punch both of them really fucking hard.

It's so hard when they get on you. My car was dirty the other day.

We've been trying to get this podcast done because you're sad and need money, and he's gonna fuck it up for us.

This is the realest podcast ever.

I need money. Starting an OnlyFans.

I don't know if that's the reason.

Turn your alarms off so it doesn't happen again.

No, like, why are—

it's like, it's not gonna happen again, but it's not a joke.

Like, it's like, you're actually disruptive. Okay, you just set one for 9 in 15 minutes.

No, it was not 15 minutes, it was 9:45.

10— it was in 25 minutes.

No, it wasn't.

All right, Natalie, back off. He's gonna make your forehead bleed again. Don't hit Natalie. I did it yesterday. People don't like it. You're gonna hit her, make sure no one sees. Don't do it on the podcast.

Definitely don't put it on TikTok, bro.

I filled up gas today. Am I fucking—

don't tell me, don't tell me. Let me guess.

Your car?

Yeah, my car.

140?

No, 121.

Now you overhyped it by guessing.

But 121 is—

I thought it was right there.

I was pretty close.

Every time someone is about to give you a fun fact that has to do with that, you have to guess low.

I was trying to fucking nail it.

Yeah, but now you made a story like less interesting.

120 is still a lot.

Yeah, Jay, you fucked it up.

Yeah, but not as cool as 140.

Fuck that, I didn't fuck it up.

This is why I didn't podcast with you for the last 6 months. Oh, this is why?

This Because I blow stories, bro.

If you guessed 80, my fault.

He shouldn't have said 120, then we all could have guessed.

You shouldn't have timed it.

Yeah, but you overhyped it.

Bullshit. You literally, Jason, you chimed in, you were like, shut up, Billy, I will guess. And then you went 140. You fucking made his story sound like a fucking, like a child's story.

But 121 is still crazy.

If you guessed 80 and then he said 120, I would have been all ears.

If I guessed 80, then I'd be a fucking idiot.

Yeah, but that's the bullet you have to take for his story to be good.

His story's still good.

121, it's not as good because now the number is lower than what you guessed. Guessed.

Oh, shit, that's crazy. No, you shouldn't have said 121. You should have let Natalie guess and David guess.

You see, and then we could have been like, who was closest? You see how hard it is?

What were you gonna say? What were you gonna say?

30. Oh, shit. Just to make the story really good, you got it for free. Do you guys have any embarrassing stories that you've never shared with me? Because I have one, and I will hold it till the day I die, and it has something to do with you guys.

What?

Yeah, and I will never ever share it.

Wait, why, why aren't you gonna share it?

It's like the most fucked up thing to do to somebody. What you're doing right now?

It's crazy, like taunting us because it's so embarrassing for me.

Specifically, like all three of us, or no, specifically one of you?

I can't tell.

No, you have to say at least two. No, that's fucked up.

Okay, don't say who. Don't say who.

No, Nat, what the fuck?

Me? Then say the person.

It's not you, then say it's you.

Yeah, is it really?

Yeah, it's so embarrassing, I can't ever share it.

Oh, did you jerk off to Natalie?

No, it's not like that.

No, it's something I— I definitely fucking did something weird or disgusting or gross.

Oh, then it's like, why Why would it be embarrassing?

He's gonna probably— no, because I'm raising him, probably embarrassing for me or something.

No, it's embarrassing for me and I won't ever share it. What I will do maybe is whisper it in your ear. What? And then you can just— you can just—

that's so fucked up.

And you can just say how embarrassing it is.

Okay, okay.

That actually can ever hint at it or deadass?

Never, bro.

Okay guys, that's so rude.

No, it's not. It has nothing to do with you. Like, it's not embarrassing on your part. I'm not releasing any information about you at all. Like, it's nothing. You should not be worried.

I can't believe you're even upset about this. Who gives a fuck what these two do?

Honestly, I'm gonna go tell him in the other room and I'll be back. And Ilya, you, you, you, you can say—

tell me in the bathroom.

You could say how embarrassing it is. Okay, okay, okay, here we go.

Oh my God, I'm so excited.

I can't imagine what this could possibly be.

This is really fun.

Honestly, I, I don't even know how to react to that. Like, you gotta give me a second to process that, bro.

I'm not trying to like picture that.

No, hold on. Yeah, it's like out of a movie.

It's nuts. It's insane.

And it's definitely nothing about you. I mean, it is about you. It's not—

how crazy is it?

To be honest, it's not as crazy as I thought.

Is it like you hate me or something?

No, bro, it has not. I'm telling you, it's secretly fucking— no, it's, it's, it's nothing, David. It's—

I'm telling you though, it's, it's kind of fun. It's bad, but it's not like as bad as I thought. You can totally share this.

I think this is really strange.

I'm so scared.

Oh my God, dude. Illy, are you sure?

I'm positive.

I can share this?

Yeah.

I quit.

Would we ever be able to guess?

No, don't guess because you're gonna overshoot it.

Can I say, can I say, can I say at what age you did it?

It was like 12 to 14.

Exactly. And that's the reason it's okay.

Okay, do you want me to say it? But deadass, you can't think of me differently, Natalie. Okay, no, but you can't because this is— I'm telling you, this is when I was younger.

Okay, yeah, it was younger. I don't care.

And this is like— I thought you did something weird Recently I was like, oh God, this is weird, bro.

It's fine.

You think?

Yeah.

Can somebody else share something then? Oh, after—

I'll share it after you if I think of something.

Maybe this will spark something crazy that I've done.

I figured my mom.

Um, okay, this is what happened. Maybe I am overhyping it, but this is what happened. When I was 12 or 13, Natalie had me go get something from her house and And I went into her room and I put her underwear on.

What? David, what?

Why?

That's fucking great.

That's great.

I know.

You know what? I have a ton of stories like that.

It's so bad.

I have a ton of stories like that. It's really not that bad.

What did ask you to get?

I don't know. I don't know why I was there, but—

You crying, bro?

Dude, it's so embarrassing. That took a lot to get out of me.

Well, how did it— how did it fit?

Like, what'd you try on?

It was a pink thong. I remember like it was yesterday.

Oh my God.

But Nat, it's fucking crazy.

It's like not that crazy.

But isn't it crazy that like you had— you didn't know that about me? That I was like— like, that's the crazy part, is for the last 12 years I have not told you this. Like, that's the crazy part.

Oh my God.

Yeah, that's the craziest secret I hold.

The fact that that was your craziest, deepest, darkest—

that I tried on your panties. It's not that bad. No, no. Okay.

I mean, like, even if you did that like yesterday at my house, I wouldn't think it was that bad.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, good, cuz it was.

No, I'm kidding. Wow. Okay, wow. That feels a lot— that feels a lot better getting that off my chest.

That was your darkest secret Yeah, so you're not hiding much.

No, no, that was it.

So she sends you there, she goes, hey, go get this at my house.

You go, you come in the door, you go, hello, it was in her room.

Anybody home?

It was in her room. No, no, there's no one home. And I was grabbing something, you're like, yeah, I tried the sliding glass door, maybe unlocked. So then I went upstairs and I was in your room and I saw the thing, and it was like one of those situations where you like, you're going to grab the thing and you, you grab it and then you look to the left and you're like, girl's underwear. Like, I've never seen something like this. Like, never, you know what I mean? Yeah, like, this is like way before my time. This is like 2 years before I even found like girls attractive. And I was like, I gotta fucking put them on. I was like, I don't— I don't know what this experience—

you took your jeans off and your underwear off?

Yep.

Oh, like naked?

Yep.

Like, what were you trying to get? Was it like— was it like you wanted to see like my underwear, just like underwear in general?

I think I was just like— it was honestly just like a typical like kid experimenting. Like, I think that's what it was.

When you tried the thong on? Did you like turn your ass around in the mirror and look at it?

No.

How long was it on for? Uh, did I wear it to school the next day?

I don't know. Um, 20 seconds. Were you—

when you put it on, you're like, oh shit, I gotta get this off before someone sees me? Or were you kind of like comfortable in it?

I don't know what went through my head. It was like such a rush. It was adrenaline. Like an adrenaline rush. Full-on adrenaline. I was a little pervy 12-year-old, just like—

it's not that bad, really. I can imagine you doing it. It's not that bad.

I know, but it's— but you got to see how it's embarrassing. Like, if it was about another, like, girlfriend I had in middle school, like, that's fine. But it was the fact that it was Natalie, who works for me now. Like, that's what makes it like, what the fuck?

But like, other than that, yeah, it's kind of like right in line with who you are.

Yeah, that's why it's not that weird.

You're like, you're like kind of wild, but not that wild.

You won't believe what I did last night. Did you try Natalie's underwear again? Yeah, okay, okay. I can't wait to see that on TikTok news. David Dobrik admits he wore Natalie's panties.

Fuck me, bro.

I'm gonna start a tea channel and I'm gonna leave it that way.

That's gonna be so fucking annoying and the comments are gonna be like, fuck this guy, bro.

What the fuck? You taught me 14, bro.

They're gonna leave that out. They're gonna leave that out. They're literally gonna be like, he did that when? Yesterday?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're fucked.

I don't know, I think I've told this before. I started masturbating so early in life that I would shoot blanks. Did you masturbate that early or not?

No, but a lot of kids would shoot blanks. That was normal.

I would shoot so many blanks that—

were you wearing your best friend's underwear?

No, I mean, this isn't that embarrassing, but I shoot so many blanks that they had to take me to surgery for me to like, oh, whoa, be able to pee correctly. What?

How I mean, that's not embarrassing now, but that's embarrassing. I could imagine how embarrassing that is being in the doctor's office.

So you told your mom I can't masturbate properly?

No, I mean, it hurt to pee and they figured out it was because—

they fix it?

Yeah, because you would jerk off so much.

Yeah, they had to like cut my— they had— they cut my asshole open like a little bit, like my gooch. They cut my gooch open and like did some surgery.

Connected it, so you're just one vagina now.

Yeah.

Oh God, your biggest secret is your vagina.

Oh yeah, I have a vagina.

I ran into this girl the other day and we had like, we like would hook up like from time to time. I asked her, I was like, was I good in bed? And I really want to know because it's like, you know, it's like that's a scary thing to ask. And she goes, and she goes, honestly, the best answer she could have given me. She goes, I don't remember. And then she goes, she goes, and that is a good thing because that means it wasn't too bad, but it wasn't too great. So you're right in the middle. And I was like, fuck it, I'll take it. It was pretty, pretty nice.

That was good.

Yeah, it was like, like, I was like, fuck yeah, like I'm okay with that. Average.

Look at Ilya's face.

I'm not okay with that.

I love average.

Answer, really? Yeah, bro.

What would you have wanted?

I would have wanted that— that was the best sex I've ever had.

Oh, that's like really hard to fill.

It's just so unrealistic. And if every girl's telling you that—

definitely not every girl's not.

I never ask.

Yeah, I would want to know.

I've been told that, but I'm just like, you're fucking lying.

You can kind of tell though.

Yes, you can.

Yeah, you can definitely tell if they have an orgasm.

Yeah, but you can fake that.

Yeah, but you can always—

this is like, no, what?

Yes.

And we realized how shitty it was. No, not how shitty it was.

Oh, just coming in hot.

Yeah, they gave us a fucking chance here. Um, sorry our podcast isn't 4 hours long, but the podcast we were just mentioning, like, it was all about cock and balls and sex and cum.

Yeah, I was going over it. It was just pee, poop, jerking off. Yeah, Natalie's vagina.

Even the part where we explain it is already too gross. We're having you guys here on for the rest of the podcast just so we can talk about other things other than cock and balls. Yes.

If you guys could not talk about like something gross.

Yeah, my shit was— my shit was green just 5 minutes ago.

We were waiting for Zane to finish his shit literally in the podcast bathroom.

This is better than the living room bathroom. Everyone's in there.

There's like— okay, this sounds like a flex, but there's like 9 bathrooms out there and he chose to wait. Dude, he shit right here, right by us. You could still— you could literally— I'm getting hit by it right now.

Isn't it for like podcast guests though? I'm a podcast guest today.

Well, I guess you're right, but no podcast guest has taken it and used it down Halsey took a shit.

Halsey did not come here and take a poop.

I was in the hot tub with John the other day and, um, my food came and I was the only one that ordered the food. And I was like, John, I'll give you $5 if you go get it from the door, cuz I was like, I'm not getting up. And John's like, fuck that, man. And I was like, $5, dude, that's like a fucking steal. It is, for like what, for like 20 seconds of your time to go to the door? Yeah. And he's like, you wouldn't do it. And I was like, yeah, I would. And he's like, fuck Fine, I'll give you $5 if you go get it. Bro, Venmo me $5 and I went to go get my own food.

Dude, he fucking scammed you, bro.

The most fucking insane thing I've ever seen. All right, bro, once you get in the hot tub, like, you're in it. Like, you're in for the ride, my guy. I understand, dude. You could have just said no. You didn't have to pay me to get— to give me my own food. I mean, have you ever made a million-dollar man get his own food for $5? I felt like I was like, it was the best $5 I've ever spent. Yeah, you really showed me, Josh. Dude. Yeah, this is a video. No, no, no. We're on camera. Oh, cool.

Is this the first video back?

Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Hi guys.

Nice to meet you.

He's been like rubbing his cock. Oh shit. We're filming.

Audio, my dude.

Um, you do rub your cock a lot.

Yeah, I do rub my— we're not allowed to talk about this.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Zane. Zane does the—

does Zane do that?

I hate talking about this, but like, even when we were shooting Discovery, every show. Like, the one time I got really fired up in my interview was when we started talking about jerking off. It's just so easy to talk about because you do it so often. Well, I was trying to explain to John, it's like, I think jerking off, why it's such a beautiful thing, is because you can do it anywhere and you don't need any other—

you cannot do it anywhere.

You cannot do it anywhere. What do you mean?

What?

That's not what I mean. You can eat anywhere. What's your biggest fear?

Um, the dark. Just straight up the dark.

The dark.

Oh, what?

Yeah, I, I cannot sleep in the dark. I can't.

Like, Heath, are you fucking kidding?

I have 3 nightlights.

Wow.

You know what, lately the ocean for me.

I am terrified of the dark.

The ocean makes sense. The dark doesn't make sense. The ocean's actually terrifying. What, what is— what are you scared about the dark? What's going to pop out?

That's the thing, you don't know.

So when you sleep in your bedroom, you turn off all the lights and you like get scared? You're scared of that?

Yes.

Really?

I won't get up and go get like a snack from the fridge or a water.

I won't—

I won't get up and go to the bathroom without turning lights on.

That ass. Swear to God, that's pretty crazy. Are you fucking—

are you fucking with us?

No, I swear to God.

This—

is it that weird?

Yeah, it's weird. I don't think it's that weird. There was one time— there was one time I was in Skokie. I used to live in, in like the suburbs of Chicago, and, uh, my friend and I were having a sleepover and we wanted to go use the bathroom. Um, but when you turn on the lights in the middle of the night where I used to live, uh, cockroaches would be everywhere on the ground. Um, and we turn on the lights and there was like 6 or 7 cockroaches right around the bath the bathroom, so he came back and he just peed the bed.

What?

Yeah, yeah, it's the kind of same situation as you. Like, he just didn't— he didn't want to go use the bathroom because it's so disgusting.

What? He peed? Wait, what?

That is not the same situation, dude. That just went like, like 360. Like, the cockroaches— wait, you didn't even talk about the cockroaches.

That came out of nowhere.

Well, I'm just saying it was the same thing with the dark. Like, the car—

it's being scared.

Yeah, being scared. Sometimes you got to give up your luxuries because you're scared.

I would not pee the bed if my nightlight went out, I'll tell you that much.

I think your story applies well. It's just so insane that this guy chose to piss his bed.

It was my bed, actually.

Well, then I would have pissed the bed too.

Like he went to lay down, he laid back down and then peed, or he just peed on the bed?

No, he went back down. He went back to bed and he's like, I can't do that bathroom. And then I think he fell asleep and he peed in his sleep. I don't think he stood up. No, he didn't stand up and like pee in my mouth. Yeah, you made it seem like, you know what, fuck this. Did I make it sound like he just stood over my bed? I'm just like, fucking, just host me. Yo, Dave, scoot over, I'll show those cockroaches. Um, do you guys have any New Year's resolutions or anything you want to change in your life?

Yeah, weight. Keith and I, um, we just talked about this actually like an hour ago.

You want to gain or lose?

Lose.

What the fuck do you think? But that was really sweet, that made me feel good.

Yeah, got you.

Are you guys trying to bulk up?

Um, you're trying to lose?

Yeah.

How much weight?

Whatever it 30 for us to get abs.

30? Wow, you don't have 30 to lose, bro.

Yeah, my stomach. I'm trying to get abs.

Let me— Ilya's starting his own protein company.

That's what we're doing. We're teaming up with him. Yeah, beat you to it.

What? Yeah, I'm teaming up with him.

Okay, this is like too much client.

He can't be like— yeah, he can't be asking like 100 people to do this.

You think you're going to get ripped?

He said he can get us ripped in 3 months.

I was talking to Zane about this. This is kind of sidetracking. You want to get ripped so you can, you know, pick up chicks, have a better life, right? And that's the kind That's kind of the goal.

I just want to look in the mirror and not want to throw up. Yeah, when I look at myself, I'm disgusted.

When I'm by myself, I suck in. Yeah, that's how bad you do. Like, like, when I'm like in the— like, when before I shower, I'm looking at myself and I'm sucking in.

Same, same.

It's crazy.

Like, I'm trying to prove myself. I'm lying to myself. They're like, oh, Zane, you look good.

I'll be home alone watching a movie and I'm on the couch like this, just tight flex.

Just—

that's a problem.

Zane, you're also 29 now.

Yeah.

Does it bother you that you have a girlfriend?

Kind of, I guess. Yeah, it's all right.

I feel like you're so strange with that. Like, he's always looking for one, but he also is so picky, and I really want to help him out, but I know— I feel like if I—

like, you've never once tried to help me.

Yes, I have, bro.

Never.

Never.

You have never helped me in that world.

Really?

Yeah.

You never helped Zane out?

He's never asked, I guess.

Oh my God.

I thought I have. I thought I totally have, like, sent you people and was like, you No way. Never done that. Do you need help? Yeah. Okay. A little bit. All right. Well, what kind of a girl do you look for? Maybe put a casting call out in this. I need help too. I need help too. Big boobs. Big boobs.

Big boobs.

Bro, you got to hear Jon's DMs with girls. Jon.

Oh, let me see your DMs. DMs in general.

You wouldn't expect Jon to have this kind of game, but he does.

Oh, he's smooth?

I don't know if it's smooth or if it's like people just feel bad for him. This is Jon's real pickup line. He goes, my favorite place has always been Beijing, China, but it will become second once I've been to your place.

What?

Hold on, these are girls you haven't met yet?

This is real.

I thought you said it was smooth, big game.

Sorry, that's not what I meant. I meant it's a disaster. And she responds.

That is the creepiest thing I've ever heard.

That's crazy. She goes, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She goes, tell me you're thirsty without telling me you're thirsty.

No.

Oh.

And then John goes, I think John's just like reading off memes. He goes.

He puts a puppy emoji.

No, John goes, all I'm saying is been a straight-A student at school. I just understood the assignment.

Okay, that was kind of good.

First off, you gotta read the prompt, all right? Hinge gets— let's— let's see. Okay, so, so he sent that message because she did say try your best pickup line. Yeah, don't make me look so bad.

Started off with that.

Yeah, don't make it look like a fucking creep, right? That's not even fair.

I'm supposed to be clever, not, hey, I have a favorite place, but it's not going to be my favorite place once I go to your place.

That pickup line good now because it's cheesy.

Hey, I've been to Beijing, but I want to go to your place. What's your address? I'm coming now. And then she goes, true, that's for sure, one of the better ones I've heard. And then John goes, respect the shot, when can I take you out for coffee? Straight to it, no holding back.

And what does she say?

You—

the guy loses 30 pounds and then he's just, I'm picking you up, we're getting coffee, I'm coming now.

I'm picking you up now. This was like 20 pounds ago, all right, relax. This was 20 pounds. And then And then she goes, I'm free every morning till noon, basically this whole week. And then he goes, Friday it is then. That's pretty smooth. Yeah, that's nice. Thank you. John, that's impressive. And then she goes, never mind, I just got really sick. I don't think I'm— I'm kidding.

How was it?

It was good. Why are you even asking, John?

You know it was good.

You know it's just another fish in the sea for him. Food's here.

As we just talked about wanting to diet, I've got Postmates delivering fucking wiener schnitzel. I got a chili cheese dog and a chili cheese burger.

DoorDash is coming.

Fucking holidays. That's all the time we have. Vinnie, thank you guys for everybody that joined the podcast. We'll see you guys soon. Go follow all of us on our socials. This has been Abused Podcast.

Make sure to subscribe to me and Heath's Patreon. Yes, patreon.com.

We are really good at editing. We will cut that shit out. My name's Jeff. Bye.