David Meets Spongebob

Hey guys, welcome back to the podcast. Before we start, I want to make things clear. Well, first of all, a couple of people like tweet me or DM me and they go, you know, we've been pretty vocal about the Black Lives Matter stuff that's going on. A couple of people tweet me and they're like, David, I thought you were never going to get into anything political. And I don't know, I kind of want to make it clear that, like, I don't think this is political whatsoever. I feel like it's very moral and it's very confusing that we still have to you know, fucking march for equal rights. It is very, very confusing.

Yeah.

And I also want to say that there's a lot of different ways you can get involved with something like this. My friend Scott said it literally the best, in my opinion. He said, whether you can make it to a protest or encourage others to go, whether you can make a donation or share a donation page, whether you have powerful words to say or you choose to amplify the powerful words of someone you agree with. I think, yeah, I think there's something that everyone can do no matter what their circumstances. And I think it's really important to do because it does— this is— I mean, it is history and it's going to be history. And, you know, when people ask you down the line what you were doing, it'd be cool to be able to say that, like, hey, I had a part in it, no matter what size it was. I think what I struggled to understand earlier and what I'm starting to understand a lot more now is how racism is still such a fucking serious thing going on. In America, and it's something that I'm blinded to because of my skin color, my privilege. And just hearing stories from you guys, even from DMing me and just reading up on the thing, is— it's fucking crazy. And it's just so important more than ever, especially with like social media being able to amplify so many people's voices, to, to, to speak up and to make a fucking change. All right, now I want the rest of the podcast. What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where, you know, life's better when you're recording podcasts with your friends. And luckily one of my best friends is here.

Thank you, Ilia.

And Ilia is going to be co-host on this podcast. Roll the intro music. What's up guys, welcome back to Views. The podcast where we talk about a bunch of stuff.

Yeah, that's how you've been starting the podcast the last 10 podcasts because you're so fucking over this.

I don't know what to say. I just want to go play.

Honestly, I know you don't know what to say because I've been fucking chasing you all week long to do this podcast.

I just want to play Modern Warfare with my boys.

You know what?

I played till 4 in the morning yesterday and I was pissed when they got off. It's 4:30 in the morning.

I heard you at 4:30 in the morning like, God fucking damn it.

Yeah, yeah, dude. I've been like, Today at Joe's, Joe jumped out of a helicopter when he wasn't supposed to, and I fucking screamed. I was like, I've never been this mad. I was like, what the fuck did you do, Joe? What the fuck did you do? And, and, uh, yeah, and Joe just stopped talking the rest of the game because I, because I yelled so much. I felt bad, but I was like so pissed because we were on a 2-game win streak for Warzone. Yeah, which is kind of a cool thing. That could have been our third.

You gotta stop screaming at people, bro. People like actually get offended online.

I know.

Like, you go, John, you're fucking dumb, dude.

You're a fucking idiot. No, I just say that to No, you say to everybody, bro, Ilya is the dumbest on playing video games. Ilya will be like the last one alive. I'm like, great, the fucking idiot's playing. I don't hold back at all. Yeah, I'm very aggressive on video games. Like, it's like scary. And then when I turn off the PlayStation, I realize how quiet it is in my room. I go, damn, I think I, I think it was too loud. So yeah, I apologize to everybody I play with.

Taylor said a really inappropriate comment about 5 minutes ago.

What did she say?

She goes, my jaw hurts. I'm like, why? She goes, too much sucking dick.

She's been hanging around here too long.

David thinks I look like a sad puppy ever since I moved to L.A. Oh yeah.

My dad called me and he goes, hey, is Ilya doing okay? And I go, yeah, why? He's like, it just seems so quiet all the time. And I'm like, that's fucking weird that you notice that. Like, how is that even— how is it even possible that my dad would notice that?

How would your dad know that Ilya is quiet?

That's what I'm saying. Like, if he's— if he's on my Instagram story, he's probably talking. He's like, how the fuck do you notice? He's quiet. Because I noticed that when he moved out here, I was like, damn, Ilya is like a lot quieter than— I guess I never lived with him, so I didn't know like this side of him. But Ilya is so weird. He's always like, he's always sitting on his computer in the corner of the room. He's always on hold with somebody.

Always on hold.

He's always on hold. And he's like, and he'll like take up like these weird side hobbies. Like one day he'll learn how to do a Rubik's Cube. Then someday he'll learn how like Jenga bricks are made. Like he'll just look up random like how-to videos online. Like today he ordered a skateboard, but it's not coming for 2 weeks. So he made it his mission to go out and buy another skateboard in the meantime. Like, he just does weird shit.

He got a heavy bag outside.

Yeah, he bought like a boxing bag outside. Yeah, well, he's the most productive unproductive person I've ever met in my life.

Here's the thing, you, you would like me to sit down with you, like be on TikTok and not do anything. Like, that's what your theory is.

Yeah, well, well, now currently, because that is right, that is my life right now.

Yes, I just like staying busy, like, like with whatever it is, you know what I mean?

Right.

Yeah, puppy.

That is interesting.

Not at all.

Yeah. Are you sad since you moved out here? I'm not.

I'm just out of my element.

You're not like—

like, I work 12 hours a day for 5 years straight, and now I'm not doing anything. So like, I have to do something, like whether it's skateboarding or boxing.

So bizarre. Like, I worked a lot too, and I feel like I need to do nothing. Like, I feel like I could literally sit here and do nothing for probably a good 10, 15, 20 years. I can just do— like, I can do the same thing.

I thought the same thing today, and then I checked my bank account. Oh yeah, I can't do that.

It's so funny because like people will meet me and people will be like, dude, like I remember like 2 years ago and I was like in the middle of doing all these videos and they were like, it's crazy how like motivated you are. And I go, yeah, I know, but I can't stop because if I stop I'll never go back into it. And they go, no, you're way past that, dude. You're like at a point where you're always— I'm like, no, like that's not how I operate. Like when I stop something, I'm fucking done.

You know what, I'm done. I'm gonna tell you right now, you told me this Yeah, for years. I didn't believe you, and we're seeing it. Yeah, you used to say it all the time. You go, Jay, you don't get it. If I stop, I'll turn into a fucking piece of shit. I'm telling you, bro, it's here.

When I'm done with something, I'm done.

Yeah, you know what pisses me off about David? Let me tell you a story. Tell me. That fucking happened. We went to the protest with Jeff the other day, right?

Yeah.

And then some dude gives us cupcakes, right?

Yeah, this dude walked up to my car and, and we were driving and And I'm in the passenger seat and he walks up to the car and he's like, you want a cupcake? And I'm like, are they stolen? And he's like, no, I paid $10 for them. Like, as the Vons behind him is literally on fire. And, and, and I'm like, I'm like, oh, I'm good, thank you. And he's like, oh wait, you're David Dobrik, here, take all the cupcakes. And he put all the cupcakes into my lap and then I put them in the back seat cuz I was like, fuck, I don't want anybody to see me with these stolen cupcakes. Yeah, these hot cupcakes. Yeah. And then, and then what else?

First off, he got mad at me for eating one of those.

Yeah, 4 minutes later he's eating them. You don't know where those have fucking been. We were all talking, it was me, Jeff, and Ilya in the car, like talking about the protest, and I haven't heard anything from Ilya in a while. And then all I hear is like his mouth full and he's going, anybody have water? And I look back and there's yellow frosting on his nose and chocolate all over his mouth. And I'm like, are you fucking eating the stolen merchandise? The fuck are you doing? Um, so yeah, and I didn't like that. I was like, dude, Spit it out.

Whatever. So we pull up to your house. I'm like, Dave, take a— take a package. Help me carry these cupcakes inside. The gate was closed, so he puts them down next to the gate. The gate opens. We both like kind of walk towards the door. I'm like, yo, we should get the cupcakes. And he goes, nah, leave them there. I'm like, what do you mean leave them there?

That's where the garbage is.

That's where you put the garbage out. You line it along the side.

It was outside of your property.

Yeah, outside the gate.

Right.

But like, why don't you— why don't you just carry them into the garbage?

Well, he has like fetish— he has 5 people to do that for.

Do you understand how fucked that is? That's crazy. I just— I just think just leave it there.

Yeah, but then someone has to pick it up.

What the fuck are you talking about? I have to take—

your salad is sitting all over David's bedroom right now. Tyler has to clean it up.

No, I'm going to clean that up.

Oh, you are?

Okay, I'll clean that up.

I'm going to clean it up.

You are.

Anyways, fucking Carry it in next time. What's the problem with that?

I didn't want that stolen shit in my fucking house, Il.

It's in your garbage.

Put it in the dumpster on the side of the house. Well, that's where it is.

I wish you— I wish you had told me. I would have fucking called the police here, bro. Yeah, talk to you about the stolen cupcakes. I would have loved it.

Where are these from? Uh, the Fonz. Can I see your receipt? Uh, it, it, it lit on fire.

Yeah.

I'm gonna start working out.

Oh, okay, okay. Are you? Yeah. Your thumbs?

You know why?

What?

So I can kick Ilya's ass.

Good luck, bitch.

I'm done with you. I'm done with you. Yeah, wait till I start lifting weights.

Oh, okay.

I'm gonna fuck up your ass. Shit. I'm gonna— oh man, oh man, I can't wait for 2 or 3 years after my fucking Nutrisystem cycle is up. I'm gonna kick your fucking ass. I'm gonna get a Bowflex machine in my fucking room.

Nutrisystem for people that are like 400 pounds.

Whatever. I'm going to combine all of those.

Remember what happened last time you worked out? You couldn't walk for like 2 days.

What are you talking about? Because I went hard from the beginning. No, there was 4 sets of 30 sit-ups. Okay, you guys are throwing around a lot of different numbers, which means you guys weren't paying attention to how many I was actually doing.

Remember when you passive-aggressively got rid of your trainer over the course of like 2 months?

Wait, how did that happen?

You just slowly like didn't show up or just kind of had an attitude and—

No, I didn't have an attitude. Okay, that was Fair. We were traveling a lot. I'll do it with you.

Really?

No, I don't want you to see my methods.

We're getting touchy. Wait, that was so funny today at the protest. I said the worst thing.

What did you say?

You know, like, I hadn't seen you in a while and you said something to me, so I wanted to say something back, you know, just to be like, be jokey with you.

What did you say? Well, I walked up with Wyatt and you go, oh yeah, you go, this kid fucking weird.

I walk up with Wyatt and my ex-wife Marnie. We met them at the protest and David says hi. David's super nice to Marnie, always super respectful. And he looks at Wyatt and he goes— and my son's very tall— and he goes, yo, look at this guy, he's a tower. And then I go, I look at him and I—

and Pete—

there's a ton of people around us. I go, oh yeah, Twin Tower. Oh God, dude, which made no sense. I was thinking there used to be these two guys that played for the Houston Rockets that were really tall named Ralph Sampson and Hakeem Olajuwon. Yeah, and they called them the Twin Towers. This was way before 9/11. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, that— yeah, that was— that was wrong. That was wrong. And I remember when you said it to her, I was like, oh, okay. The sounds I made, I was like, that's not okay. And I like, I like turned away because I was like, I don't want to be part of Twin Towers 9/11. Yeah, that was bad.

Ilya, why do you have a big shark tattoo on your knee? Where did that come from?

You're thinking he has a chicken wing on his fucking elbow too.

I missed that one. Shit, I should have started there. Um, Ilya does have a big shark's mouth around his right knee with a lot of teeth, like literally every tooth that would be in a shark. And then on his arm, maybe you've seen on his Instagram, he has an eagle's wing or something on his forearm that looks pretty sick actually.

Yeah, explain.

What's the story behind those?

The wing? Uh, no, there's no story at all. I just really like how it looks. That's it.

It's so funny when someone, you know, has like a feeling for their own tattoo.

So weird. And, you know, Ilya is the type of guy that goes into a tattoo shop and goes, I'm going to get a tattoo today. And then he looks through the book where there's like 4 pages.

Is he that type of guy?

This one.

Is that what you did? No, I did not do that.

And the tattoo artist is like, great, I did 7 of those today. This will be easy.

Oh, I did not do that.

Like, you don't go into like, okay, did you go? How many tattoos do you have?

I think 5.

How many of those did you go in with?

Like, none of them. Oh, with ideas already in my head?

Yeah.

All of them.

Oh, really? Yeah.

He also has discipline written on his arm, which is great when he's fucking passed out.

No one told him yet. No one's told him yet, but it's misspelled. Shut the fuck up. I'm kidding.

Now, do you have one?

Yep.

Where?

On my lip.

Oh, let's see it inside.

Yeah, inside my lip.

What does it say?

It says Roman numerals 18.

You have it too.

Does anybody else have Roman numerals in their mouth?

Ella literally has Roman numerals.

Except for Ella.

Taylor, why do you—

why do you have it?

Why do you have Roman numerals in your mouth?

What does 18 mean?

Because I turned 18 and I wanted a tattoo, so I just got 18.

This tattoo is from when I turned 18. It means 18.

Obviously I don't show people because I'm embarrassed.

Ella, what does yours mean? Ella, how old are you?

She told you 48.

Oh, you're 24? Yeah, I'm 23.

It's not like you were checking to make sure you were.

Yeah, I don't know why. What's your numeral mean? You're excited for 25? Oh, 7.

Mine's 7.

Did you get it when you got that when you were that young?

Yeah.

No, it's just my favorite number and I had lots of—

I was fucking hoping it was something grim. It was. I was, I was hoping it was like something like, no, that's just when my parents passed away in July.

No, all things happen I was like 7, I moved. 17, I moved. So 27, we'll see what happens.

Wow. So a lot of things happen on 7. There's 7 of us in this room right now, right? There's 8. I tricked you.

Number was 7 and I fucking loved it.

And then I have penis on the inside of my mouth.

What does that mean? Is that what you got for your 18th birthday? Do we talk about this already? SpongeBob is really fucking short. If you were to walk in here right now, he's genuinely— you Google it. He is the size of a sponge.

Kitchen sponge.

Kitchen sponge. Imagine he walks in. You're like, dude, you expect— especially when you see Squidward's house and Patrick's rock, you kind of just—

SpongeBob walked in right now, I'd be like, whoa, 2020 is fucking crazy.

You think he'd knock? He probably wouldn't be. We wouldn't hear him. It'd just be a sponge.

Like, yeah, that's what he sounds like when he walks.

Yesterday I was on a 5-hour Zoom call.

No, you weren't.

Can you believe that?

With the college?

4 hours and 15 minutes. I was on the Zoom call with the entire cast of SpongeBob. Everybody.

Why so long?

Squidward. We were filming a show. Oh, so they— Nickelodeon asked me to host SpongeBob Best Moments. So it was me and the cast, just us. And they were recreating every iconic SpongeBob line.

What's Patrick like?

The nicest.

Yeah.

SpongeBob and Patrick are the sweetest. That's nice. Sandy's amazing. Squidward's even amazing. You think he'd be an asshole?

Yeah.

Mr. Krabs is great. A little cheap. But he is great. But no, like, it was, it was just me on the Zoom call and they were, they were going through all their lines.

Really?

Yeah.

It was fun.

Oh my God. It was a dream come true. And these lines they recorded, they recorded these 23 years ago.

Right.

And they're still all friends, like, still all making jokes. Still. Patrick, I don't know. Yeah, it was really funny. It's really crazy to see something that was created so long ago, but it's such a, like a such an important impact on me. Natalie was fucking bitching because I was like, I had to record the Zoom and I put it in the living room because I'm like, the living room looks nice. Like, it's a nice background. She's like, why can't you go to your room to do it? And I was like, well, because this is, this is a big deal. Like, I'm doing a show for Nickelodeon. It's going to be on television. Like, I want a nice background. So let's do it in the living room. And she's like, yeah, but now none of us can go to the— none of us can go to the living room now for 5 hours. And I was like, okay, first of all, you can't go to the kitchen for 5 hours. So that's going to— that's what you're going to avoid. So grab your snacks now, Natalie. And, and so, big box of snacks. Yeah. So she's like super pissed. She doesn't understand. She's like, why can't you do it in your room? I'm like, if it wasn't for SpongeBob, none of us would be here right now. Like, that was like my inspiration as a kid. So you show some respect.

Yeah.

And you let me put on a show in our living room for 5 hours.

Was this your opening monologue?

Yeah. This is how I opened the SpongeBob show.

And so they were reading the lines.

They're going through scenes. So they would play the animated version of the scene.

Yeah.

And then they would redub it over. Live on the Zoom.

Oh, wow.

And for one scene, I got to be one of the fish.

You did? They gave you a line?

Yeah, I was one of the fish that was like— it was— I was a concerned, like, town fish. And what are we going to do? That was my line.

Is that how you said it?

No, I was like, what are we going to do?

That's pretty good. Every time— the time we took Charlie to the emergency room, probably. But tell me again. We took her to the emergency room.

She was—

she was screaming in pain. We were in Boston.

What happened?

Yeah, she's got to get her in there. My mother takes her to Mass General. She's like flipping out. We think like maybe her, her appendix is bursting or something. It's really awful. We, we get her into the room, she sits on the doctor's table, and then she just farts.

Oh my God, bro.

Then we went home.

Really? Was she embarrassed?

No, she thought it was great.

Wow, she loves to fart.

She loves to fart.

That happened to you?

Yeah, my dad jokes that I took like the world's most expensive shit.

Oh my God, what a dad thing to say.

What a Natalie thing to do.

Not true. But we went to Navy Pier in Chicago and we went to like the IMAX movie theater.

That's what we did. We had too much popcorn.

Yes, I had popcorn, buttered popcorn to the movie theater.

That's what happened.

And it was like, I think it was like stale popcorn and I like had it and we were driving home from the movie and I was sitting in our minivan just lying on the floor screaming. And my dad was like, this is not okay. So we had to pull over. My stepmom had to come to the back and she was like, oh my God, are you okay? And I just like couldn't stop screaming and crying. So he just took me straight to the hospital.

Yeah.

And then like I just had to go to the bathroom.

Wait, what do you— when you got to the hospital, when did you realize that it was just a poop?

After they like— they had like brought me back to a room, so I had like already like booked in and everything. And then I was like— my dad was like, you should really try to just go to the bathroom or whatever.

And I was like, was it loud?

No, no, no. It wasn't like that.

It was— I feel like it was loud, but you're just like, no, no, no.

She'd tell you if it was. She wouldn't say— Yeah, you would sit here and go, yes, David, it was a loud fucking fart. It was huge. And then you'll use it against her a couple of weeks later.

I don't actually, like, remember that part.

You guys ever have a fart that, like, lasts 35 seconds? Like, like a fart that's just like, Jesus. Like, you call somebody and have a conversation and hang up and then call them back and be like, it's still going. You've never had that?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, have you had that?

35 seconds?

I think I had one that's like 12, maybe like 7.

I've had one that's like 5 or 6.

Okay. Yeah, you're right. Probably 5 or 6. Yeah, but it feels like an eternity, right? Because it's like, wow, this is crazy. It's like a tornado. One of the hottest girls in my, in my, in my school gave me some advice. I mean, this is universal now, but at the time it was brand new to me. It was the second the poop hits the toilet flush.

Yeah, it's—

it's—

oh yeah, yeah, it's the best because then it doesn't stink up.

It doesn't stink up the room. Yeah, and it goes straight down and it's like— it almost feels like you don't even hear the ploop. You just hear—

yeah, that's another thing. You just put toilet paper down so it doesn't make a splash or anything.

Well, sometimes— sometimes what I do is I'll shit— like if I'm at a friend's house, I'll shit on the toilet seat and then I'll kind of push it back into the toilet just so the sound's not too loud.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

I wipe the toilet seat down after, but yeah.

Oh my god, David, wait, deadass?

You're not being serious.

No, I'm fucking kidding. You're deadass, man. Tell me, because I'll move back right now.

I feel like you would have some weird pooping rituals because you're so freaking heebie-jeebies about it.

No, no, no, I don't poop at friends' houses. I think I may have once. Todd, are you gonna marry Natalie?

Yeah, probably.

Nat, is that true?

What will you get them for a wedding gift, David?

What would I get Todd and Natalie if they got married?

He's not gonna even show up to the wedding.

Todd or David?

Todd, would you, um, what age?

Literally neither of them.

Now, what age do you want to get married?

I'm gonna take my shot now.

Okay, take it. But what age would you want to get married?

Um, I always wanted to get married really young. Like, I wanted to be married by like 25 and like have kids before I was 30.

Makes me puke. Makes me literally want to throw up.

I mean, my perspective has completely changed.

Oh, right on. What is it now?

Um, probably like 30s.

Late 30s?

No, like 30s. I think, I think that's the time.

Yeah, 30s is the time.

I used to think that was so old.

28 to 30.

29.

I don't think any of you guys will get married.

Me neither. I don't— yeah, I don't think— I don't think it's going to be as big of a thing.

Yeah, that's what I always say too.

Yeah, I was thinking that. I was thinking about like weddings and things the other day, and I was like, I don't know how I would do my wedding because the way that I thought about my wedding when I was younger is so different than the way I think about it now.

How? What do you mean?

Just like, I— when I was in high school, like, I planned— I would plan— I was like, okay, like, I'm getting married in this setting, I'm gonna wear this, and the colors will be this.

What was the setting? What were you in high school? Where'd you want to get married?

Um, Dave Buster's?

No, no, I wanted to—

um, I want to get married still.

I think, like, I don't know, somewhere outdoors, just like an outdoor place.

And now what is I have no idea because like my perspective on it, dude, it's so crazy how girls like plan and they think about it and the guy goes, yeah, I'll be there.

Like, yeah, like it's, it's so bizarre.

It's— there are men that do that too. It's not just—

just because you know what I'm scared about the most for my wedding is the, the first dance. Oh my God, that's all, that's all I could think about.

Oh my God, why? Oh, you know, you train for it.

Yeah, that's my fucking problem.

Practice for it. We did it. We practiced.

I remember.

Yeah, my funny Valentine.

Yeah, but I don't—

married on Valentine's Day.

Okay, guys, whoever married us was in shambles.

Guys, I burned it to the ground with my love of Vine.

I'm sure I didn't hear what you said, and I'm trying to respond to it. No worries. What did you say?

It's not important.

And no, but what—

oh, what were we saying?

Yeah, I'm scared of, like, the dancing portion.

Yeah, but you're a good dancer. I saw those TikToks you did with Natalie over quarantine.

With 4 hours with— when we were talking about, you know, like, you know, like when you date somebody, you talk about marriage, like, to be goofy. Yeah. Like, I talk about Liza and her biggest thing The biggest thing she wanted— this is a heads up to whoever marries Liza— she wants, she wants a huge like dance number. A huge, a huge choreographed thing. Sure. And like, no fucking way would I ever be able to do that. No way. Yeah, you would. Fine, I would, I would. But dude, that would give me so much anxiety. Like the fucking— from the moment I would propose to like to the day, to the fucking day of the dance. I'd be so nervous.

But you know, that's in front of your family and friends. It's okay if you look stupid.

It's my family. It's doing stuff in front of my family.

Yeah, I think you'll get over that at that point.

I feel like maybe we'll see.

You think about your wedding, David? Do you have any places you want to get married?

I have no idea where I want to get married. I have no idea where we're going to.

What the fuck was that, Natalie? The fuck was that?

Whoa, get off my back, Jason! I don't know, things are up in the air right now. I was talking to David. Well, who cares?

Um, no, I don't know where I'm gonna get married.

You don't think about it? You don't have like a picture of it in your mind or anything?

No, I'm, I'm, I'd be very thankful just to find somebody to hang out with a little bit longer than Natalie. I'm in the market for a girlfriend right now.

Yeah, that's a bold statement, bro.

I say this every podcast. Literally every podcast, I think it opens up with Hey guys, I'm David and I'm still single. It's crazy, I can't believe I became that guy that like jokes about being single so often. But yeah, no, I'm ready to date. Why are you fucking laughing? Why are you fucking laughing?

That's fucked because he's so fucking immature and irresponsible.

Look at her, she's just fucking trying to make sure no girl dates me. Yeah, look at her, she wants me all to herself.

Keep you off the market, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, you're gonna look at me a lot different when I have a girlfriend. You're gonna be like, wow, what did I fucking miss out on? Yeah, he's so cute. He's so charming. He's so nice. And most importantly, his head of hair is not receding. It's really nice. Oh man, watch it. Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, fucked up. What's the craziest product that someone's come to you to put your name on that was just totally ridiculous?

A vibrator. No way.

Yeah, someone came to you, was like, we'll make a clickbait vibrator.

No, it's not clickbait. Vibrator. So you know that there's David's vlog? Yeah, it was going to be called David's Log. Shut up.

Somebody actually came to you with this? No, I mean, it's not—

come on.

Cereal. Someone wanted us to make cereal.

To make cereal?

Yeah. Which is bullshit. I never eat cereal.

It's so good.

I know, but I just never eat it.

What are you excited to do now the quarantine's over?

Just kiss people at clubs. I want to go.

He's never done that.

I just want to go. I want to go to clubs and start making out with people. I thought about it.

Okay.

It just sounds like so much fun. That's like one thing I'm like, give it to Mike. Okay. Creepy Mike is going to talk real quick. Mike, go.

Joe, cut out the creepy Mike part.

He just cuts it to E.P. Mike. Who's E.P. Mike?

No, Joe, seriously.

I mean, Mike's not creepy. No, Mike's not creepy. I fucking love busting his balls. Mike's one of my favorite people in the entire world. Really? Yes, I am, dude. I say this behind your back all the time. No, you talk about this often.

You know what?

The people I like the most, I talk the most shit in front of them and talk behind their back positively the most. Yeah, that's like, that's like, that's something that I've noticed about myself. I know that.

I don't know, 4 years after knowing David, after he hurt my feelings night after night, and I'm like, Mike, then he told me, he goes, That's because I like you the most.

No, I know, I know that you rip on me because you like me, but I could never— I would never have imagined that you say, even think about me when I'm not in the room.

No, I say that. I would go like, Mike's fucking great.

Really?

We called you yesterday for your birthday and you hung up, and I was like, I really like Mike. I said that.

I almost called you to remind you to tell happy birthday to Mike, but then you called.

That would make me so happy.

That you did.

Ella reminded me. That made me so happy that like everybody— Todd called, you called, uh, Jason, every— all you guys called me on my birthday, which was like like FaceTime. Like, didn't— like, that's a big deal.

It is kind of cool.

It's really nice.

So hold on, let's get back to this. Would you kiss people at a club?

Yeah, that's what you do at clubs.

And I've always looked at it after a pandemic.

Oh, I mean, I do. The whole world is like—

there's—

and there's no certainty in the world at all anymore. Like, I feel like everyone now—

and I'm horny as shit.

No, like, you kind of realize, like, after something like this, like, the whole world every day is just Russian roulette. Like, Overnight, the world can change. So just do whatever you want. Just like, do what you want to do, you know, meet cool people, have a good time, put their tongue down their throat. I mean, if there's like—

Creepy Mike strikes again this fall on CBS. Creepy Mike. There's a pandemic on the street, but that's not going to stop him.

I've always watched like— I've always watched like our friends at clubs and like part of it is like I film them making out with random strangers, right? Like, that's kind of the fun part. Like, Ilya will do it. Ilya will make out with a random girl. My friends from my hometown will make out with a random girl. And I'll just be like, you know, that seems like a lot of fun. Like, and I'll be recording behind the camera just like kind of crying. Like, that seems like fun. Like, you'll never see this person again, but you're kind of just doing it just because you're in this club. And it's just like, wow, who cares? Like, I, you know, I've been drinking a little bit, the music's fun. And there's something about PDA that's kind of fun, right?

That's why people go to clubs, is to have fun and like I mean, everyone has their reasons, but like, a big reason of going to clubs is to just say like, fuck it, I worked my ass off all week. I'm like sitting in an office or whatever the fuck I'm doing.

I'm going to face fuck this person right here.

I mean, that's a little extreme, but you know, yeah, just like doing something a little bit— to not sound creepy, but a little bit naughty.

Okay, that's all the time we have for Creepy Mike segment. Creepy Mike segment is over. Thank you, Creepy Mike.

Mike, say panties really quick to end your segment.

Jason, at what age did you realize that you can't make out with anybody in public anymore? Because it'd just be considered a felony.

When I met you.

Have you made out with a girl in public before?

No, never.

What the— Jason, literally last podcast you were telling everybody about how I have to pull you off of people sometimes.

That has happened once.

Jason finds a fucking hot mom, and that's a one in a million at a fucking club, and it's go time. You know what I mean? Like, you can't blame the dude.

No. Yeah, I support it.

Yeah. Then the mom happens to have her boyfriend who's just in the bathroom nearby, and then Todd and Jeff have to get into a thing that happened. Happens, happens.

I fucked up again, Todd. This guy's huge this time.

Oh, shit. I want a pet turtle. You want a pet turtle? I'm gonna call him Flash.

My sister had turtles. They're not that slow.

Oh no, Natalie, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up. What are you saying?

Did you say turtles are fast? Have you ever seen a scared turtle?

Yeah, I've been around a bunch of turtles, all sizes. They are the slowest fucking thing on earth. What are you talking about? They're encased by a rock.

Yeah, but when you've— when you When you go, boo, the turtle goes, yeah, like zips quickly.

If you frighten a turtle in the water, maybe.

Natalie's a scary bitch too. When you're living under a rock and then you come out and you see fucking Natalie, you bet your ass you're going to be in a hurry.

You ever made out with a guy?

Yeah. No, you haven't. What's it to you?

Just curious.

You've never made out with a guy before? Would you? Could you?

I kissed my friend's dick when I was like 6. I did.

How old was your friend?

What happened? My friend was 47.

How old was your friend?

He's the same age as me.

Okay, so he was 6. Why did you kiss his dick? I mean, that's like— that's normal.

I don't know, man. That shit got weird that day.

I mean, no, let's think about it. Think about it. Think about it. You're a fucking kid. You have no idea what a dick is, right? It does look like it would need a smooch.

Do you think he remembers?

Maybe he remembers. I hope it was good for him. No, it was completely innocent. It was like—

it was like, how do you remember that you kissed his dick? Did someone catch you?

I think you would remember if you—

I don't remember if he kissed my dick or I kissed his, to be honest. I kind of blacked it out. It was just completely like— it was one of those things that happened, and then maybe like a month later I was like, What the fuck was that? I was like, those— that was so weird. Why do we do that?

You were 6 and a half and you were going, what the fuck was that?

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, and that was as far as it went.

I could still use dick once.

You kissed my dick.

You meet him in high school? Yeah.

So what have you guys been gay together?

You never kissed me all the time. Oh, yeah. They'll make me kiss them to, like, play Call of Duty and stuff. Yeah.

Yeah.

I could tell everybody.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I'll be sitting on the couch and Dave will be like, like, let's go play Call of Duty. I'm like, nah, I'm tired. I'd be like, dude, come on. I'd be like, kiss me, kiss me first.

And I fucking hate it because I don't want to do it on the lips. No, on the cheek. On the cheek. But the cheek is almost just as scary because there's like beard there and it's like a really weird thing.

Why do you do that?

I'm not sure. I think it's funny.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. It makes me all tingly inside. Ilya, I'm about to blow your mind. Guess— you're not going to believe this. What? Guess who? Guess who in this room doesn't watch porn? Jason?

Mike?

What? Yeah, the fucking weirdest dude here does not watch porn.

What? It's because you're Jewish, right?

No, Taylor. Wait, hold on.

So wait, you watch porn on your phone?

Okay, timeout. Wait, hold on.

Yeah, who cares about where I watch it?

Sometimes I would think if you're gonna watch porn, you're gonna open up your computer screen. What do you mean?

What do you mean, I think? What, have you never watched porn?

I've seen—

I've watched it. Yeah, but why don't you masturbate?

I do, I just don't watch porn. Wait, wait, David will sometimes like pull it up and like show me, and it's like, okay, don't say that.

Wait, what do you—

he'll like be giggling in his bed, and I'm like, what are you looking at?

He turns the phone around.

Wait, what do you think about, uh, what, you know, Mike, we've showed porn, we've shown We've showed porn to Mike once and he's disgusted by it.

Wait, wait, hold on.

First of all, watching porn like with other people is like— I can't. That's so bizarre. Like when the sun is out, it's like watching a movie.

What do you mean?

No, yeah, it totally is. It's exactly like watching a movie.

You're watching the wrong porn. They have stories and stuff now. Wait, hold on. What do you think of, um, what do you—

what do you think too?

Like, like whatever you're watching is—

like the girl that you saw earlier, do you fuck through Dunkin' Donuts?

Like, what do you mean? David's fucked. David's fucked.

Why is everyone, everyone just I just leaned up to the edge of the couch because everyone's posture is like attacking me as if I just said—

because it's weird that you don't watch porn.

No, I think it's weird to watch porn.

Okay, sorry, it's not weird that you don't watch porn. I think it's weird that you think it's weird to watch porn.

I get people that don't watch porn, but I also think like the world would be a much better place and a more productive place if people didn't watch.

100% more productive. I wish I didn't watch porn.

Like, I feel like that literally— like, dude, if you think about it, like kings literally the greatest, highest person you could be in history, that they could have people having sex in front of them. And now that is accessible to literally everybody. Like, dude, you think we would have went to the moon if they had porn?

That's different than watching porn in real life.

That's okay. Are you asking me if we would have went to the moon if we had porn?

I don't think we would have. I don't think we would have.

Mike, you still have that answer my question.

What do you jerk off You like just whatever, whatever you're watching on porn, you can just think about in your head.

Okay. When's the last time you jerked off?

I think Mike, Mike jerks off about like specific people, right?

Oh, you think of somebody, you're like, you think of like math equations?

What do you think about?

Or just like previous experiences that I've had? You just replay them and then, okay.

Yeah.

Like girls turning you down. How does that turn you on?

Wait, are you trying to say that like it sets a higher expectation for when you do have sex with a girl? Like, no, no, watching porn is like—

that is a problem.

Let's do this, let's do this. Raise your hand if you don't watch porn in here.

What?

I don't have time. Taylor, you don't watch porn?

I don't have time.

What do you guys think I do, go home and watch porn?

Yeah, I mean, exactly.

What have you done to this girl, David?

She What do you mean? Wait, okay, you need to take more days off if you really don't— you don't have that much time for yourself.

If you had time, would you watch porn?

I—

maybe. Have you ever?

Yeah, yeah, with my friends.

Okay.

What?

Okay, but now Mike's interested.

No, but have you— have you ever done it just for yourself? Like, just like a selfish thing?

No, swear on my life.

Why?

I'm not sure. I, I've never, like, I don't think my— I don't think—

you look like you're doing a man on the street thing for Funny or Die.

Now I feel like, like, even weirder that, like, like, Joe Rogan or Seth Rogen? Go! I don't think— which Rogan is better?

I feel like—

wrong answer!

I feel like most girls, like, a lot of girls don't.

No, but a lot of girls do is what I Right, sure, whatever. Like, Natalie just admitted that she watches porn. Like masturbation.

How often do you masturbate? Every hour?

No, no, actually, I don't know, like every, every day or two. Every day. Mike has those panties on right now, and I have a little buzzer in my pocket, and I've been buzzing him this whole time.

Vibrating his butthole.

What do you—

you masturbate every day? Yeah.

Ilya? Yeah, every day.

Sometimes Jason? Every day.

Here, we'll get Taylor in on the action.

Taylor, how often do you masturbate?

Uh, every day before I come to work.

Oh shit, I'm late.

Oh my God. Oh man. What kind of porn do you watch?

Yeah, give me some advice. I don't know, guys. Um, I don't like talking about this.

I used to know a guy used to fuck his girlfriend doggy style and put the laptop right on her ass and watch porn while he was fucking his girlfriend. She'd be like, yeah, I love it.

She's like, it's cool.

Cool. No problem.

Oh, that's the best.

That's weird.

What?

Dead serious? Like, I want to know what, like, Natalie would watch.

Oh, it sounds like— it's weird.

I'm dead serious. I want to know what you would watch, Nat. I need help. Um, Taylor, I watch, um, boss and assistant porn.

For that comment, I'm gonna need to see you in my office. Wear something tight.

Once again, this podcast has devolved into all you fucking each other.

All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you for our special guest, Mike.

Keep protesting.

Thank you, EP Mike. Yes guys, um, stay safe out there. And yeah, okay, well I guess we'll see you guys later. This has been the Views Podcast. My name is Jeff.

Bye-bye.