David and Natalie Get a Dog

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast. That is.

What did you just say? Did you just say Natalie sounds like a whore?

That is what he said, Jason.

Are you just throwing me under the bus?

I just threw you under the bus.

Okay, then I'll say what you said about Natalie.

No, no, no, no, no, no, don't.

Before you came over.

No, no, don't. Don't say what I said about Natalie, please.

I said, come by. and he went, is that super slut whore bitch motherfucker Natalie there?

You know what's a little odd about that?

Why?

Because that sounds like the vocabulary that's in your head, not in Jason's.

All right, roll intro music.

You know, I want to invite you guys over for dinner, and I know I can't. Every day I have the same fucking thought in my dumb house, which I used to love, which is now a prison. Every day I go the same thing. I look at the chicken I have this ground chicken there and I look—

How long have you had this chicken there?

It's been there a while. And I look at the chicken in the fridge and then I look at the cans of tomatoes that I have and the fresh garlic and I go, I'm gonna make dinner. I'm gonna make dinner for David and Natalie and they're gonna come over and I'm gonna serve them and David's gonna be like, mm, it's not bad. Like that, but I can't 'cause of quarantine. But I have that thought every single day.

Hey, you want me to make this easier on you? That probably wouldn't happen even if there wasn't a quarantine.

No, I know it definitely wouldn't happen if there wasn't a quarantine. You'd never come over for dinner. In my mind, I'm like, we're in some weird space now where you would, right?

Right, right.

You know, like you're almost that bored except you can't come over.

I'm almost that bored that I'd come over for dinner with Jason.

Well, we're also not going to wait around until 2 PM for you to wake up and get your shit together and get the day going. We're gonna seize the day. We're gonna wake up early because we like to wake up early and get the shit going.

We like to get up early.

Okay, who are you—

who are you gonna hire besides Natalie? I know you love Natalie and you're so happy that she works with you. What was the other choice?

Here's the thing, recently I've hated that Natalie lives here, not because I don't like having her around But because I hate that she has a room here. Okay. Because she goes into her room and she hides there and like she'll have her laptop open. So when I knock and I open the door, it'll look like she's doing something. But like, I don't know if she's doing anything and she's in her room and I'm like, where's that?

You want to get me an office space?

Yeah, it's the living room and the kitchen.

Just like, what do you think I'm doing? Fucking sitting there, probably my asshole in my room. I think I'm doing emails. How many emails do you think I'm getting today? I'm not getting so many emails that I need to be just click clacking at the computer.

I think you're watching Gossip Girl literally majority of the time. And now you have a— I think it's all too convenient that all of a sudden there's a a television in your room and now you're spending a lot more time there.

Yeah, your mom did put a TV in your room. Oh no, yeah, someone else put a TV in your room. That's right.

Yeah, someone else. Todd, who conveniently all of a sudden looks like Todd doesn't have a TV in his own house. Um, but whatever.

What do you do when you go to knock on— like, Natalie's in her room, right? What's your process? You like knock politely?

Oh my God, no.

He goes—

he's just yelling my name from the other side of the door. Like, I can't fucking hear him from 5 feet away.

Oh, she's the worst. Natalie's the fucking worst because I'll yell her name and I won't get a response.

No, I will. I'll yell back.

And then, and then I'll be like, Natalie, did you do what I asked you to? And she'll be like, I didn't hear you. I was in my room. No, no, I was in my room. You should have waited. You should have waited to see if I heard you. And then she used that. And then I'm— and then the next day I go, Natalie! And she's not responding. I go, Natalie! And then she's like, what? I hear you. Oh my God, stop yelling because you don't give me a time. And then I'm like, oh my God, I can't win. Either I yell or I don't yell. I can't win.

No, because you are— you're very hypocritical in that sense. There'll be times when David's sitting on the couch and he'll be voice noting, he'll be FaceTiming, he'll be talking to 8 different people. I have no idea if you're talking to me or not. Oh yeah, you are a terrible communicator.

You're a terrible communicator.

No, I'm not.

Oh my God, she's in a bad mood the rest of the day. I'm screaming her name and then Natalie always—

how would anybody feel when they're literally—

Natalie loves to start off days like this. Like, I'll yell her name and she won't— like, she'll be annoyed because I'm yelling her name and then she'll be like, oh, We're in this kind of a mood today.

That's her, because I know exactly the moment that you open your eyes and the first word that comes out of your mouth, I know exactly how the entire day is going to go. And don't ever say that it's indicative of my mood. 100% always indicative of your mood.

No, yes it is. I never wake up in bad moods.

I never wake up in bad moods.

I wake up, I go for a workout, I scramble my eggs, and I wake up in a good mood all the time. But you— sometimes I'm in too good of a mood and that's where you get annoyed and you turn on me.

No.

Yes, that's what happens. I mean, Jason, explain. That's what happens. I, I never—

I don't know, I haven't seen it. I'm not here.

I don't wake up in bad moods.

That's not true, David. That is not true.

I never wake up in bad moods, ever.

Your mood dictates the mood.

You're not— I don't know if you wake up in bad moods, but I've definitely talked to you in the morning and been like, okay, let's give this guy a minute. And I don't think you're in a bad mood, you're really curt, like short with people. I'll be like, I'll call you and I'll like need an answer to something, and you'd be like, uh-huh, okay, gotta go, gotta go, about to fall asleep. Yeah, gotta go masturbate. Yeah, right. That's really funny.

No, I think it's Natalie. Natalie's all wrong.

It's not me, David. Whenever, whenever you're in a bad mood, then it's—

listen, we can't win this argument. None of us can win this because I have my side. You have your side.

What you did to me the other day, I called you on the phone and, and I was I'm so let down. Like, again, you just take the fucking opposite opinion.

What happened?

And the other day I was like, I was on FaceTime with you and I was like, this fucking quarantine sucks. I'm like, it sucks so much.

I did not take the opposite.

David's like, I think it's great. I think it was needed. I think like, that's not what I sound like. Yeah, you did. I think it was totally needed and totally what we all needed as a society. I'm like, what is this? Who the fuck are you?

Since when do you talk about, give a shit about No, I think we all needed this.

Oh, bullshit.

This is—

you just put— you're saying that to piss me off. If I called you and said this quarantine is so great, you'd be like, this fucking sucks, this quarantine is the worst. Maybe just say the opposite.

Maybe, maybe.

So frustrating.

Maybe it makes me—

it alienates me as a friend.

No, but I also— no, but I also— I do love this quarantine. I've said this many times. Like, it sucks and I'd rather have the other thing back, but I also am like seeing the silver linings in it. Yeah, like, it's like, it is nice to not do anything and to like—

Brandon was saying he feels like it's you don't feel pressure to do anything because everyone's living like they live in their mom's basement. Like no one's— everyone's just living.

Oh yeah, that's, you know, that's an interesting way to put it. Yeah, that is what it feels like. And I like that. Like, that's— that was my prime is like when I would just play video games. Like, I like just like—

that's when you're happiest.

That was my prime.

No, not happiest, but like I was— I mean, I have fun going out and hanging out with friends, but I also have so much fun not doing it. And I always thought I was an introvert. Like, I always was like, I'm an introverted guy, right? And I started the vlog and I was hanging out with people fucking 24/7, right? And then I was like, okay, maybe I'm an extrovert. But now I'm like, slowly being like, wait, I am an introvert.

Yeah. You used to not go out at all, even when you were making the vlogs. Like, maybe the first two years. I never went out. And then all of a sudden, what happened? Was it because Natalie loves to party? Is that why?

Yeah.

Now that's the part I mean, it became like you would go the last— for the last year, it was only Wednesdays you wouldn't go out. Wednesdays. That was the only night.

That was the only nights I wouldn't go out. Yeah. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, I would go out every night. Well, because then, then it's just— there was so much more to shoot. Like, you just had to shoot stuff at night before I got my stuff done during the day. Like, every vlog was uploaded at 2:00 PM. I never had to go out at night.

But do you really get that much stuff at night?

Yeah. What are you talking— yeah, I, I get literally majority of my videos are at night.

Really?

What do you mean? You, you sit there when I edit them. You know exactly how I—

I don't sit there with you in the in the parking lot going like nothing's happening during the day. At night, right? Lots of times at night.

But every time I'm editing a vlog, I'm like, wow, I have so much night.

You're right. I just want to go home, go to bed. You're right, right. That's so crazy. Hey, who were you gonna hire before Natalie? Was there another choice for an assistant? Yeah.

Yes, there was. Yeah, that's two of the choices. Neither of them picked up.

None of them picked up.

Isn't that crazy? They just didn't pick up.

What do you mean?

I called two other girls from my school and they didn't pick up.

Oh my God, can you imagine?

No, I did. I called both of them.

No, I believe— I believe that that's who you called. I'm just saying.

Yeah, and what they said—

they didn't pick up.

Okay, and that was it? That was— you didn't leave a message or anything?

No. First, I guess you didn't call me first.

No.

Why?

You wanted Natalie first.

No, I didn't. I wanted these two other girls, and they didn't pick up. And I was like so gung-ho about getting an assistant that I called Natalie, and she picked up in like two rings, and I was like, okay, this is meant to be.

Yeah. No way. Yeah, you're making this up.

Yeah, I am.

Oh my God, my heart was just broken.

I love that That's just the way you did business. Yeah, I called Shawn Mendes. He didn't pick up, so I gave up. Even though we were supposed to get together.

I called Natalie first. I mean, first, when I, when I, when I was getting an assistant, I think part of me wanted a friend more than wanted an assistant. Like, I wanted to fly out a friend more to live here.

Right.

Then I wanted, like, someone to help me with stuff because I remember when Natalie started working, I was, like, worried. I was like, is she going to have stuff to do?

Yeah, he used to say that all the time. And then, and then the other thing he would complain about before, the time you're about to be hired to be go— he goes, you know, there's going to be a lot more money being spent around here. Be like, you know, like she's probably going to be like buying light bulbs and stuff like that. I was like, yeah, I guess, I guess someone probably more money will be spent.

And it's so funny cuz like right when she started working, I remember I was like, I was like so, uh, what's the word when you're like careful with your money? I was stingy.

Stingy.

Yeah, I was really stingy with like, like, cuz Natalie had a credit card now like under my name, right? And I was like, she better not be going out to like the grocery store. Like when she goes to get groceries like she better get my groceries and then her, her own groceries, right? Like, she better not be putting like a bag of chips into my credit card.

Oh my God. That's like he would always ask. He'd be like, he's like, okay, be honest. When you go to the grocery store, do you add anything? And I was like, and at first I was so like scared because like, I was like, I don't— I didn't know how you were with your finances. So I figured that maybe you would monitor them like any other regular fucking human, but you don't, right? So like, if I add an extra thing—

Millions from you.

I know, I know.

I could be. But I'm not. But I remember, like, I would add— he would— you would ask me, like, if I added, like, an extra pack of gum. And I'm like, a pack of gum for $1.50? You would fucking—

I just didn't know what she was doing. And then now it's like, now I don't even care. Now it's like, now it's like, whatever, Natalie. I'm sure half the fridge is from my credit card. Do you still use your own credit card for food?

When I, like, go out and buy food. But, like, the groceries, I don't. Oh, like, you buy the groceries for the house.

Thank you.

But I don't know.

And then she fucking bitches at me when I take her strawberries or anything. And then it's like, those are mine. That's what she does. He doesn't like to buy Yeah, and I'm fucking—

and I just get— I just get— because, okay, first of all, double standards here. Everyone else comes into the house and eats whatever the hell they want, and God forbid I want a couple blueberries without you devouring all the fresh—

what do you mean double standard? That's exactly what it is. Everybody comes to the house and they can eat whatever they want, so I can eat whatever I want.

No, you can, but it's just sometimes, like, this is just a roommate problem. This is just like a thing. Like, sometimes, sometimes I just want fresh fruit, and you imagine—

imagine you're a roommate somewhere else, right? And you use that roommate's credit card and you buy food. And then you get mad at them eating the food that you bought. You bought using their credit card. That's not a roommate problem. That makes you a psycho.

I'm not a psycho.

Stop playing trumping her by— you always end every conversation with, I'm the boss.

Look at you taking the opposing side all the time.

I'm not taking—

yeah, that's right.

How does it feel?

Because you're the psycho. You're the true psycho, which is why you're trying to pin me.

If she wants her strawberries, then that's her strawberries. Even if she's paid for them.

No, it's just— it's called being like a good roommate. So all of the food—

I just had one strawberry. I had one strawberry. You freaked out on me. No, I didn't. Yes, I did. I'll have one, and you'll go, really? Did you ask? Did you ask?

I do not.

Yes, you do. You say it like a Midwestern mother, like punishing. Did you ask? Did you ask? I would just want one berry. They're gonna go bad.

What would you do if she moved out? See, you can't have it both ways.

I'd have a video game room where Natalie can live. And I put my David Blaine card collection in the other room.

Speaking of David Blaine, there's a big premiere last night.

Yeah, we were on a special.

That's cool.

David Blaine had a special that he's been working on for a couple of years, I think, and it was on ABC and he came over to film some of it in my house. And it's like the special is all celebs.

Like my mom texted me this morning.

It's—

she said in all caps, Brady, Chappelle, Dobrik, and Nash.

Yeah, like everybody in the special, like, are like huge names. The big— like Emily Blunt, John Krasinski. Yeah. Derek Jeter, Michael, Michael Jordan, LeBron James, like the biggest names. And then it's And then it's a David Dobrik and the Vlog Squad.

I did say the Vlog Squad.

Yeah. And it's, and it's really funny because it was, it was shot here in my living room and Mike Sheffer, one of our friends, was in it and he texted me. He's like, I've been watching. And he was in the back of the special. So he was like in the special and he's like, I've been— I remember when I watched David Blaine's first special in 1997. Thank you so much for letting me be a part of that. I'm literally crying right now. That was really cool. So Mike was in the special.

Talk to David Blaine.

Yeah, what are you talking about?

I don't know, did you text them like, good job?

Oh yeah, oh yeah, I thought you meant like in general, do I talk to him?

Right after the special, David— it was so cute. It was like what totally like a little kid would do. We watched this amazing special by David Blaine, a master, and then the special ended and David got a deck of cards and sat down and like started to do a trick with me, and I was like, oh yeah, because I thought I knew how to do one of the tricks he did on the show, but I was so off.

No, I texted him, we all just watched it, ending with your daughter made us tear up. She's a star. Congrats, man. And he said, thank you for being an amazing part of the show. Can't wait to hang with you soon.

Oh, the part with the daughter was really good.

Yeah, he had his daughter on the show.

There was also one trick that we, we watched probably 40 times. We kept rewinding it trying to figure out how he did it, and none of us could figure it out. The trick with Jamie Foxx.

I don't know how he does some of those tricks.

I noticed when I walked in here today, there's a little four-legged friend walking around.

Oh yeah, not Natalie.

Stop looking at Natalie.

I was trying to make a joke about how I can make Natalie the four-legged friend, but I couldn't think of it.

You're just looking at her. It was a real bitch here this morning.

Yeah. Natalie. Natalie's decided to foster a puppy.

Yeah.

Which is a big step.

Yeah.

So far I haven't had any allergies. Oh, no, no. And the puppy. The puppy slept in my bed last night.

Yeah.

Really?

David cuddled the puppy all night long.

My God.

He didn't cuddle. He, like, would—

she gets up and she moves.

She would, like, get up and, like, move right by me. And then she decides she wanted to go somewhere else.

But they probably— she probably got hot. And this place is so hot.

She gets so hot and I would squish her all the time. Like every time my foot would be on her because I would think it's one of the pillows. Yeah. And every time I think like a pillow is by my foot, I use my foot to bring it up and put it between my legs. And I did that once almost with the puppy, like I was starting to bring her up and then I felt her move and I was like, what the fuck is that? And I forgot that there was a puppy here. But so far, so far, no, no allergies to her.

Initially you named the dog after my daughter's bully, right?

I did. But it wasn't— I— well, first of all, your daughter's bully was her friend first. And I remember meeting her and I really liked her name.

Beautiful name.

Beautiful name. And I was like, I'm going to name my daughter this one day. Like, I was like, so gung-ho. I've told— I've told maybe like 8 people that I was going to name my daughter this name. And, and it totally didn't cross my mind when we got this puppy. I named—

of course, because Jason is such a fucking afterthought in your mind.

Yeah, I named the puppy the Bully. And then I said, I send a picture of the puppy to the group chat and Jason responds, she's so cute, what's her name? And I send the name to the group chat and I get no response from Jason. And I got a call from him in an hour going, you really named the dog after the girl who ruined my daughter's life? How am I going to explain this to Charlie? So then Natalie and I had a complete— Natalie deleted the stories off her Instagram because the name of the dog was there.

So we didn't want to hurt Charlie's feelings.

We renamed—

thank you for that.

We renamed the dog 4 days later.

4 days later, with Natalie still holding on to the old girl's name now and then. She's like, but that name's so cute.

Yeah, I mean, I still flip-flop. We named the dog— okay, so this was my deal. Since Natalie got to foster the puppy, like, you know, since I finally agreed to it, um, I felt like I had the, you know, the option to name it. So I named her—

you thought—

hang on, you thought you had the option to name Natalie's dog?

Yeah, because I thought it was like a put-you-you-give-and-take type of thing. I was like, okay, I'll let this dog live with me.

Oh yeah, she's been such a fucking burden.

Oh, don't even get me started.

Have you done one thing to clean up the dog?

One thing? I take her out.

Yeah, you, you open the door and you go look at your $3 million view and the dog sits next to you.

She sleeps with me in the morning. First of all, okay, I woke up from a nap earlier and there was a shit stain on my bed. And I knew it wasn't from me because it was too high up. It was like by my neck on your bed. So I was like, I know it's from the dog.

You shit the bed.

So I don't—

Okay.

But so I got— I took the dog outside. I was like, let's go, let's go. We're going to pee. This is unbelievable. So we went to go pee. We went to go pee. This is my mid-nap. I'm like, I'm in the nap, whatever. I'm gonna take this dog out to pee. The dog pees. I'm like— and I wait a little bit extra. I'm like, you sure you don't have to go poop? I asked her. By the way, her name is Iron Man. I named her Iron Man.

I know, unbelievable. When I saw that on Instagram. Yeah, I couldn't believe it.

Anyway, her name's Iron Man. So I'm like, Iron Man, are you ready to go back in? And, and she looked like she's ready to go back in. So I picked her back up and we went to my room and I was finishing the rest of my nap. And then I woke up with on my white carpet this thing that looked like someone took a tub of pudding and dumped it all over, like chocolate pudding all over my carpet. Just like the most diarrhea-looking shit all over my carpet. And I was like, goddammit, Iron Man shit all over the rug. That's where I was like, okay, I cannot do this anymore. So no, I haven't had the easiest time with Iron Man. Oh my God. It's been quite the mess, to be honest.

Tough for you. But you know what I realized? You know, Iron Man, you guys went back and forth in this name. There was a million names being thrown around. And then I see on Instagram Iron Man, which is like, it's a female dog. It's Natalie's dog. And you just named the dog with something that you liked. That's crazy.

Iron Man fits her. If you look at her, she looks like an Iron Man. Why I named her that is because I'm like really excited to like take her on a walk and like have someone go, oh my God, what is its name? And then I go, Iron Man. And then they go, oh, he's so cute. And I go, she—

you call her— you can call her Tony with an I. Tony Bark.

Yeah, yeah. We're really excited for that.

Just call her Tony.

Oh, Tony's a girl's name too.

Yeah, Tony.

Oh, Tony. Well, it's getting really confusing. This morning—

she's so confused.

This morning I took away her— like, when she peed, I got so mad, I was like, I'm not calling you Iron Man anymore. And I called her Lexi.

Oh.

Oh yeah, I gave her a new name, a name that we haven't used. I was like, your name away. She's awful.

David giveth and David can taketh.

The worst part is, is like that she's like a foster pup, right? So like if someone takes her, like now she's going to have like— I've lived through like 8 different names. What? Like, are they going to keep the name Iron Man?

Probably. If they see your Instagram account, they go— they probably will.

Oh my God, I cannot wait.

It's a cute name.

It's not cute at all. It doesn't even roll off the tongue, like in the slightest.

It doesn't. But if you say Iron, it's kind of—

What have you been saying?

I say Iron Man.

You say Iron Man. What do you say?

I just keep calling her, you know, after your child.

It's so funny.

I really just can't get rid of that name.

It's so funny. I'll be playing video games and like, she'll be like on my lap. Yeah, she'll like start biting my leg and I just— my friends will just hear, fuck, Iron Man's biting my leg.

I just got some sharp teeth.

Fucking weird to have a dog around here.

Why? Why is it weird? I think it's really great. It's just being here for a minute, it changes the vibe.

Part of me thinks that when you get a dog, there's a chance that you've got the one that knows how to talk.

Ah, I know exactly what you mean.

And, and I like, sometimes I'll look at her and when it's just us in the room and I'll be playing video games and I'll take off my headset and be like, it's just us, you can tell me. Oh my God. And, and nothing. Like, she— and, and I'm not— I don't know if she's pretending that she doesn't understand me. It's crazy to think that she doesn't understand me at all. It's hard for me to believe. I have a feeling that if I spend long enough with this dog, I'll teach her. I'll teach her how to talk.

You'll fall in love.

You think that you— this is what I love about you, David. There is nothing you can't— you said you can't do. Yeah, you say you can't do, and now you're saying that you can make this dog talk.

I'm not saying she'll be able to hold like, like, you know, intelligent conversations with you. Uh-huh. But she'll definitely be able to like, you know, fireside chat with her, like, you know, water cooler chat with you. She'll be able to go, "How was your day?" And you'll go, "It was good." And then she'll go, "Mine too. I'm gonna go poop." Right. And then she goes potty.

So she'll be able to talk like someone that just got out of a coma.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

About that good.

It'll sound like she got hit in the head with like a really hard baseball, but I'll be able to get her somewhere. Other than that, she's pretty chill.

I know that there's a part of you that really thinks that you can get the dog to talk.

Hey, you know, last night she slept in my bed. And, and sometimes I sweat in the middle of the night.

Yeah.

Well, first of all, she peed the bed.

She did.

I didn't know. On my foot.

Didn't know it was you.

She peed. No, she sure was her. Well, no, during that nighttime when she—

what?

You don't even know when she peed the bed. When did she pee the bed? You think she peed the bed in the middle of night, David?

Well, how would you know?

No, it was in the morning. It was like, it was like I remember because I was like waking up and my foot was like hitting something wet.. And I always think like when I wake up, like I just get really sweaty at night, right? So I was like, oh, okay, she must just be sweating. So I didn't even mind it. My foot was hitting her pee. But then, but then the next 3 hours later, I saw Taylor took off all the covers from my bed and I went up to her and I go, Taylor, did I pee myself or did the dog pee itself? And then Natalie comes in, she goes, you did, you did. Like Natalie was trying to defend the dog. And I was like, oh my God, the dog peed and I was playing in her puddle all morning. Because I thought it was mine.

This is it, Taylor. If he finds me on the bed, he's going to send the dog home. And I love that fucking dog. Taylor, get the sheets off.

I told Taylor, I was like, do this in the most inconspicuous, subtle way possible. Yeah.

And then our washing machine is broken. So all I hear is— I'm like, okay, what's being washed right now? I feel like there's no laundry. And then I go to my room and all the sheets are off. And at first I was embarrassed. I was like, oh my God, I fucking pissed myself. But then I remembered that I slept with the dog.

You think if you pissed yourself, we wouldn't be like, haha, you fucking loser, you pissed yourself.

Taylor has a nice heart. I think she'd do it without me even knowing. Taylor wouldn't even tell me that I peed myself.

Taylor would—

Taylor would come to my room and she'd see me in the morning like there's pee all over the place and she'd like try to trick me to get out of bed so I wouldn't see the pee. Taylor would be like, okay, come here, David, let's go. Let's go get some tea in the kitchen. I'd be like, okay, wow, why are you rushing me? Just to avoid me seeing that I made an accident. But other than that, the dog's a good time. Who's Lena Dunham? Girls.

Who is that? We're literally from two different planets, you and I.

Who's Lena Dunham? I've seen her name. I'm just wondering what she does.

Like, she's an actress.

She's— What is she in? Girls. What's Girls?

Well, you don't watch TV, so you don't know, bro.

You've never seen Girls?

What? I've— I'm not— I'm not like being like one of those douches that pretends they don't know a show.

I know you're not.

I've genuinely never heard of the show Girls.

You've never even heard of it?

I've never heard of the show Girls. Are you kidding? No, I've heard her like a million times. I always thought she was a comedian. She's like a comedian.

She is a comedian.

She's a comedian.

I mean, she's not a stand-up.

I don't know what— I don't know what Girls is. Is it like Gilmore Girls?

No, it's about like—

Jesus Christ, don't fucking spit on me, you fucking monster. That's not what Girls is. What is— what is Girls?

You're right, you're right. I'm being, I'm being pretty asinine.

What is Girls?

I'm also trying to make something happen on this podcast. But it is kind of crazy you haven't seen it. It was this show that came out like 5, I don't know, 8 years ago.

I'm assuming it's about 4 or 5 girls.

It's about— Exactly, it was about 4 girls. And what was cool about it was that she was like 22 and she wrote an entire series.

Oh, she wrote it?

Yeah, she wrote it.

She wrote it when she was 22?

Yeah, and it's good. And she wrote it, she wrote a movie called Tiny Furniture. That she like shot with her parents. That's such a good name for a movie. Tiny Furniture. Wait.

Yeah, it is.

It's like, it's like you're being serious. You think it's a good name?

You don't? Yeah, it's like, it's like, it's like when Lonely Island comes up with songs like, yeah, they're not on that. Like Dick in the Box, right? Like, I like random names like that. Like Tiny Furniture is like, yeah, pretty out of the box.

Like, this is nothing like Dick in the Box, right? Oh, it's like, it's like an arty, like, wait, girl in New York. Like, she graduates college, doesn't know what to do with herself.

But there's the show Girls. Yeah, we're still talking about the show Girls. Is it— is it a comedy?

It is.

Oh, right on. So she's a comedian? Yeah. Okay. Lena Dunham.

Lena Dunham.

Okay. Now when I see it, I'll be like, that's the girl who wrote Girls.

Yeah. Adam Driver's in it.

Oh, yeah. Adam Driver. Adam Driver got his start as her boyfriend.

Yeah. Oh, what the fuck have I been doing? When was this on?

8 years ago? No, not even that long ago. It went off the air like 3 or 4 years.

I never watched TV as a kid. I only watched That '70s Show and like late night and like SpongeBob.

You didn't have HBO, I guess.

Uh, we had it. We— my company, the company that we were with, would do like free trials of HBO for like 2 months. And I know it's such a big deal.

Company you were with? You mean your cable company? Like the cable company? Oh, you guys would get HBO for a couple months? Yeah.

And like, we'd make such a big deal out of it. Like, my dad would like come down and be like, you know, we have HBO for free. And my mom would go, what? And I'd go, go, go, go! And we'd get like HBO Stars and we'd go through all of them. This is fucking crazy. It literally felt like— like when we would get HBO for free, it fucking felt like it was like a drop from the sky of like Just gold. It felt so good.

So what did you see on HBO and Starz that like blew your mind?

A lot of Adam Sandler movies. Oh yeah, I think, right?

Ones that you didn't— you didn't go to Adam Sandler movies in the theater?

No, I did, but it was like crazy that like those are movies you only saw in theaters, right? And it was now on HBO. It just didn't make any sense.

See him again.

Yeah, I felt, I felt really cool. But, but yeah, I'm not the biggest TV guy. So you know how like CGI— I was watching Toy Story the other day and the CGI is fucking insane. I couldn't tell if it was, if it was animated or if it was real. And I think they mix shots. I think some things are real and some things are CGI. Have you ever seen it? Yeah, it's fucking bonkers. Yeah, so I think the way technology is evolving is I think in a couple years they're going to be able to CGI all actors onto the screen and have them act whatever they want. So like they'll be able to have Leo DiCaprio play a role when he doesn't even step in to play the role, right? So I think in like 10 years we're gonna have movies with huge actors, like, like actors that have like passed, you know, like actors that have passed away, and it's gonna be like, wow, I can't believe Johnny Depp's in a movie with Leo DiCaprio. Right. They're just gonna have to— they're gonna have to pay the actors, like, royalty. Yeah, they're gonna just have to pay the actors to use their face. But I don't think actors are even gonna have to be in their own movies, like, with deepfakes and stuff. Like, the shit's getting so fucking intense that I feel like you'll be able to make movies without the actors there.

Oh wow.

And then you'll be able to bring, like, people back from the dead, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I don't know who died.

Like, who— sure, you could put, like, Cary Grant and Leonardo DiCaprio in the same movie, right?

Yeah. And then— and it'll be like— it'll look like they're acting for the first time. And there'll be so many, like, like there's already so, so much like raw footage of them probably where you can just construct their facial features to make them say and act.

However you want, they could have just put you on America's Most Musical Family. You wouldn't even have to go, right?

I wouldn't have to go. I could have just been a judge. I could have been from home. Like, imagine that.

Yeah, that's interesting. I wonder if that'll fly with people.

I feel like—

because, you know, they do, they do do that. They have that, um, that hologram thing. Thing where you can like watch, like Ray Charles will like sing to you, like right in front of your face. Right. And I don't think people like it that much.

But didn't they put Carrie Fisher in like one of the Star Wars movies after she passed?

Like, oh, I don't know, maybe there weren't—

there seems so. I don't want to say that. I don't want to say that they did either, because I'm fucking—

every time I get something wrong, she died in the middle of them filming, but she was still in it.

But I thought, no, they did it with Paul Walker.

No, no, no. Well, that was his brother.

What do you mean?

Like they used his brother and they CG— like they, they still CG item, right?

They tweaked it.

Same thing. Right.

But I'm saying it's what you're saying Exactly.

But I'm saying Carrie Fisher, I think, was like completely— like, you could see her face was— her face wasn't— was animated. It wasn't real. It's so crazy when we talk about stuff like this that we like don't know anything about, and we're like slowly figuring out on the podcast. And you know, there's like a diehard Carrie Fisher Star Wars fan listening to this. Yeah, just fucking losing their mind. Yeah, yeah. Like, no, no. Okay, Jason, you're on to something. No, Natalie, shut up. David, you're a fucking moron. Like, I don't know what— I don't know how. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is I think the future is going to have a lot more like actors that have passed away, like completely redone in, in like a new world, new way.

Well, I'll be looking forward to that, Dave. Thank you. Way to call it. Way to get a call. Way to get into a subject that you know nothing about. Yeah, I'm going to somehow pull a segment of this podcast out your ass once again.

I'm going to start saying things that I think is going to be in the future just so I like— just so people can come back and be like, wow, he predicted this one too.

So you love to do that. You love—

you—

Dave has been going around saying, hey, the fist bump thing, I started that. You know, people aren't shaking hands now, that's me, that's me. David thinks everything started with him. Yes, he thinks that he was the first one to come up with grilled steak. He also thinks he's the first one to come up with vanilla ice cream. You come up with grilled steak?

No, listen, really, the fist bump thing— I never said I fucking invented, you asshole. Stop twisting my words. I said I've been saying handshakes are gross for the longest fucking time. Yeah, that's what I said. Okay, and now people are finally going, handshakes are gross. Yeah, I've been saying this since fucking—

they're saying it because there's a fucking killer virus out there, right? That's why they're saying it.

Yeah, no shit, but I've been saying it before the fucking virus. I've been like, it's so gross.

And you don't think it's just coincidental that a fucking pandemic hit, and so now you're vindicated?

No, of course that's exactly what had to happen.

Now a lot of people think handshakes were gross. I've been touching hands. No, what about Howie Mandel? Howie Mandel has been fucking fist bumping since the '80s.

He's co-founder of knowing that handshakes are gross. Howie and I—

you're gonna credit Howie? Yeah. Okay, okay.

Howie and I both— real— no, listen, I never said I invented the fist bump, you asshole. I said that I've always thought handshakes were gross, and now everybody But because we were talking about— Jason was like, I don't think they're ever gonna have handshakes anymore. I think handshakes are over. And I'm like, you're right. And I've been fucking saying this forever. I think handshakes are disgusting. We should never have handshakes. It should always be fist bumps.

Don't you watch movies now and they do things in movies where you're like, oh my god, if we did that like right now, we'd get the fucking COVID-19? You know what I mean?

Yes. No, I even like— oh yeah, all the movies you've been watching, I look at these situations and I'm like, like, I like cringe because I know how the situation—

I was watching I was watching David's vlogs. I watched my vlogs and he's licking the pole on the party bus.

On the party bus.

Multiple times. Yeah. In different vlogs. Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, I was watching my vlogs and just like us being at the club, like club scenes are fucking crazy to me.

Yeah.

Like, oh, you know, groups of more than 6 people, I'd lose my mind. I go, how the fuck are they doing that? Like, how would we do that?

It is crazy. Like a girl, like, makes out with one of your friends from Chicago, then he turns and makes out with, like, another girl next to him.

Next to him. Yeah.

It is really so funny.

I mean, I've always thought that was gross. I never fully supported that one.

But fair enough.

Yeah, I've been playing video games and my name— I don't want to say my name because I don't want my name's Daddy D. Okay.

Oh, whoa, wait.

Yeah, on Call of Duty.

Come on, dog.

Yeah, it's pretty sick.

Hell, kind of name is Natalie. Did you get that? Daddy D?

Yeah, I saw him make that name and I just I didn't ask any questions.

You just chose to look the other way on that one.

Yeah, it's funny.

I was Daddy David. No, Daddy D. Daddy D for David.

Daddy Dobrik. Whatever you want.

I mean, it's really—

but I was playing Call of Duty last night and these guys talking about musicians, random guys I'm playing with online. And one guy goes, what do you guys think about Dillon Francis? Oh my God, like the DJ. Yeah. And one of the guys goes, what? Dillon Francis? Who's Dillon Francis? Oh, is that the guy from David Dobrik's vlog? As I'm like sitting in the lobby.

Oh, no way. Yeah, yeah, Daddy D. Daddy D. Hey Daddy D, what do you think of Dylan Francis? I think he fucking blows. I think he sucks.

Yeah. And then I was like, yeah, I mean, I didn't say anything. I wasn't like, I'm David.

But did you say anything like, what do you guys think of David Dobrik's vlogs, by the way?

I did.

Yeah, you did it!

I totally did. I, I, I, I did. I tried. I know this is gonna sound stupid. The gunfire was too loud that they didn't hear me. And not only that, like, because Like, when they brought up Dylan Francis, it was like a second before we got attacked, right? And it was like helicopters flying overhead and all kinds of shit. I mean, it's hard to explain because it's like in Call of Duty what happened, but like a lot of noise was happening and there was like the end of the game was happening, so the music was playing really loud. And I was like, what do you guys think about David Dobrik? And no one heard me. And then I was like, oh my god, my friends are playing with me too. And I'm like, they're gonna think I'm such a loser, but I have to ask one more time.

Which, which friends? Your friends from back home?

From back home. Yeah. I was like, what do you guys think about David Dobrik? No one heard me, so I just dropped it.

I didn't hear you the second time.

I was like, so I'm never fucking asking.

Do you ever reveal— does anyone ever know it's you that you're playing with?

Yeah, because my friends will like— like if someone like brings up YouTube, a lot of people bring up fucking YouTubers and TikTokers.

Like, really?

You'll just be playing and they'll like— they'll call me a TikToker. Really? Yeah. Like, like, yeah, like all day. Like, it'll be like a thing.

Yeah. Like, you fucking TikToker.

Yeah.

Or they're like, they know it's you.

No, no, no idea.

No idea it's you. Yeah. That's like a— that's a disparaging word, TikToker.

No, they won't say TikToker, but they're like, I don't want to say what TikTokers they're saying.

Sure.

But they'll use like YouTubers' names as insults and like, you fucking Jason Nash.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, man, you're dumb as Jason Nash.

Like that.

And it's so fucking weird. And then my friends will— and then my friends will be like, they'll like tell people, but they'll be like, this is David Dobrik.

They're like, you're right, right? Yeah, fuck right, it's David.

They never gets to the point where like somebody like knows it's me. There'll be a couple people will, but well, then they'll realize afterwards and then they'll send me friend requests. But it's not like—

how did they realize?

Like, because I'll leave, I'll leave, and then my friends that are still playing in the game with them will explain to them that that was me. And then I'll get like all these friend requests, be like, oh my God, those you—

do you see that move I just did? That was awesome. That was as good as a David Dobrik vlog. That shit was sweet. Just trying to bring myself up.

I mean, that's like the funniest thing, like to like to like ask somebody like what they think of you without— without them.

You gotta have balls of steel to do that.

It's different online.

I could never do that online. Even online it would hurt my feelings.

Oh, and in person when I do that with like— when I do that with like Justin Bieber or Kylie, where I go like, what do you guys think of Justin Bieber? Yeah, that shit. Yeah, you have to have balls to do that. Like, yeah, Justin and Kylie like are really good sports that they listen to what people had to say about them without them knowing that they were sitting in the back seat.

Yeah, you're right. That is a really good quality that they were willing to do that. I don't think I could do that.

That.

Yeah.

I mean, they're also like at a level in their lives where they're like, you know, they don't have to give up.

Hey, you know, it was cool.

They don't give a fuck.

Well, that's— yeah, but still, they're at a level.

They're also young. No, I know, but I'm just saying they're so—

well, they're so successful that nothing hurts their feelings.

No, no, no, no. I'm just saying they're so secure with like what they've done. Like they're like, right, they're like, okay, like I, I know people are going to say shit, but I know what I did. Like Justin Bieber knows that he's fucking had— that's true— Billboard hits. Kylie knows she fucking started one of the biggest companies in the world. Like, yeah, like they're aware of their success. So like, to a level, I'm assuming they're going, okay, I know people are going to talk shit about me, but like, I know myself.

That's like Eddie Murphy, like, doesn't have to even be funny when he makes appearances because he just knows he was the funniest ever and the greatest of all time.

You know what I mean?

Which is kind of like a bad thing.

Bringing up Eddie Murphy, has he done this? Has he like come to places and been not funny?

Oh, oh, you know, yeah, Eddie Murphy for like the last 10 years has been notorious for like when he does do talk show appearances, he's just like, he's just chill. He's just chilling. Oh, not trying at all. Not like coming with like material. He's just like, I'm Eddie Murphy, and that's it. Oh really?

Yeah.

And then when he want— when he wants to turn it on, he will just turn it on and be really funny. And then he goes back to very quiet Eddie Murphy.

Did you see that celeb? Um, who's that guy that everyone loves? Groundhog Day?

Bill Murray.

Bill Murray.

What about him? Yeah, I love Bill Murray. You see, we are from two different planets.

I know Bill Murray.

That's why the podcast works, I guess.

I forgot his name. Did you— did you see that? Like when he takes pictures with people, you know, do norm. Like, you know what? You know when someone comes up to him and asks him for a picture?

Yeah.

He gives them a card. Yeah. Instead of— instead of taking the picture, he does. And the card says, I met Bill Murray and I asked him for a picture, but I got this card instead, or something like that. Really?

Yeah. That's really funny. That's very old school.

You could hope this is a true story.

I hope I didn't make that up.

Whatever, it doesn't matter.

This podcast is all hearsay.

This is all complete bullshit. Did you hear that they're moving everybody on Earth to Mars? What?

Yeah. What do you mean? No, I hadn't heard that.

You should be— if you're not packed and ready to— if you're not standing outside your house tomorrow morning, they're just going to leave you. They're going to leave you on Earth. And Mars is like beautiful.

Okay guys, David's saying you need to—

you heard it here first. Tell your families, guys, don't freak out, but also hurry up and pack your bags because there's a huge ship leaving to Mars. You heard it right here on The Views podcast.

This is literally your millennial version of War of the Worlds.

You know what War of the Worlds was? Yes, Tom Cruise. No, get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, it's so different. No, well, yes, you're right, but, but there was a famous radio play from the '40s by Orson Welles.

Oh, from the '40s?

Or the '30s? No, but he put on this like radio radio play where Mars was attacking the world and everybody thought that we were being invaded by aliens.

Prank on the radio? Yeah. Is that legal?

I don't know if it was a prank as much as he was just— he knew, he knew, I think he knew people were going to be confused by this, but he did it anyway. And, and people were listening on the radio like, fuck, we're being invaded by aliens.

What are you talking about? He just fucking— wait, what did he do? He was a radio commentator?

Well, it was literally before TV.

He was like Howard, he was like the Howard Stern back then.

He was like Quentin Tarantino of his time. Okay, so he made movies and he was Orson Welles. He was like regarded as the greatest director of his time. And he did a radio play called War of the Worlds. And the, the play came on, the play starts with like, well, we have news today. It's like a newscaster and it's like, uh, unfortunately we have been invaded by aliens from Mars. And you know, back in the fucking '30s or '40s or whenever this happened, people were sitting around the radio like, what the fuck? Wow, it's like the ultimate prank, really.

Yeah, that's Crazy.

It would be like now if you did a YouTube video where there were aliens and people believed you.

Well, no, I don't even think it'd be like that. It wouldn't be a YouTube video. Well, it'd be like you'd be— you'd have to be like— you'd have to be a news station anchor. You'd have to be Good Morning America, and you'd have to be like, right, that's right, I guess you're right. But he didn't get in trouble for that?

I don't know if he got in trouble. I don't think— I don't think so. Again, we should hire someone.

Podcast is all bullshit. He got executed for it, but we don't know. No, he was He was fine. Everyone loved it.

We should hire someone to sit here and look shit up, right, while we're doing this.

Well, I honestly think it's a lot better if every podcast is like, we explain that none of this is factual and like, because, you know, people get mad when you, when you have a following and you, and you say bullshit things and you're like teaching other people stupid things. Yeah, but we should make it a, we should make it a thing where don't take any of this seriously, right? Anything we say, pretend all this is made up.

I'm always, I'm always shocked at the tweets that I see for people that are on your side about 50 First Dates. Still shocked.

Yeah, that's crazy.

I literally saw one the other day. It was like, Jason is so stupid. David is right. 50 First Dates, literally one of the greatest movies of all time. I'm gonna watch it again tonight.

It is. It's the easiest movie. I don't want to get into it.

Oh my God, no, that's fine.

I'm literally about to fall right back into it. It's just so easy to watch.

I, I did watch it. I tried to—

you know, someone's listening to this like, here they go again, here they go again, back on 50 First Dates. All right guys, well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening.

Stay safe, have fun, go watch a movie, and, uh, go watch my videos on YouTube. People keep asking me why David's not posting on my comment section. I don't know what to say.

I'll post soon. Okay, I'll post soon. All right, um, but, uh, yeah, see you guys later. My name's Jeff.