Stealing Justin Bieber's Sweatshirt

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where Thanksgiving is coming up.

Yep. I'll be having dinner with my ex-wife and her boyfriend, Dave.

Holy shit. Nothing says family like a broken family. All right, roll the intro music. Before I start the podcast, I want to address this real quick because I know it's going to be brought up later. So I just want to get it out of the way right now. I was filming a TikTok yesterday and, and I was sitting on the couch and it was a fucking— it was a funny TikTok. And then after my fourth try of trying to film it, Ella burst into laughter and I'm like, there's no way the fourth time is that funny as the first time. And then Ella goes, David, can you put your testicle away?

I'm literally—

I'm sitting on the floor.

Ball was hanging out of my pants.

I'm sitting on the floor and I just— I'm looking at— I look up because I'm looking at making the TikTok and then I'm fucking— eyesight vision is just a hanging ball out of my fucking shorts, bro.

And that's like the most embarrassing thing. I know it happens to you a lot, Jay, so you're probably not even fazed by this.

I feel for you, man.

I know exactly what it felt like. So weird. I felt violated.

And then I kept— I like couldn't not— I couldn't look away, so I just kept on like being like, I can't look at you. And then, yeah, I just burst out laughing.

So you saw it like 5 minutes prior, but you were like, I'm going to try to not say anything. But the ball just kind of kept looking at you.

Yeah.

Was it a good-looking ball?

What did it look like?

It looked like a—

what it looked like.

All right.

Oh, what the fuck, David?

I mean, what? I wasn't going to get my ball for her.

It was just like, you know, basketball shorts and it's just that like thing hanging there.

Dude, I was so happy. Like, wasn't my fucking dick hanging out of my pants? This is why. Because I don't wear underwear.

Like, I was going to say, I've been on this no underwear thing.

Oh, yeah.

And guess what I'm wearing today? Underwear.

You got underwear today.

I was like, okay, I'm going to— if I'm going to be around Ella and I— that was the first time I felt actually genuinely uncomfortable around everybody. And like, and it really—

I couldn't stop laughing.

It really killed the mood for the TikTok I was making.

You got to wear underwear, man. It's a place of work here.

Yes. No, I know. I didn't know I was going to be in this position. And she was like, fucking perfect. Like, her eye— eyeline was exactly my testicles. So it was like fucking perfect viewing pleasure for her. So I'm sorry about that.

Testicles just makes me continually, continuously.

I know. I know. Yes. I was calling you. I was like, did you see my testes?

I know.

I was trying to make the— I was trying to make it less.

I can't get the image out of my head.

Good, good.

Genuinely.

That's why you keep smiling at me all day. All right. I'm glad we got that out of the way.

Okay.

I went to the AMAs yesterday. I had— I had this thing I was doing for them. What?

What?

The Microsoft Theater.

They had the AMA?

Yeah. Yeah, they had the— it's fucking crazy. I mean, it's like it's COVID lockdown.

Like anybody, obviously, when you get in there, did you send a laptop with your face on it?

It was just a Zoom. No. So when you get in there, Obviously everybody's wearing masks, right? And we had to— we got COVID tested a day prior or 2 days prior or whatever. And then when we got there, you have to do another rapid COVID test that's not really rapid. It takes about like 15, 20 minutes. So you're sitting in your car, you're like in your car, you know? And if, and if, if anybody has COVID, they just fucking shut down the whole fucking shoot. I asked them, I was like, what happens if someone has COVID? And like, we got to shut this down. Yeah. So I was like, that's, that's fucking insane. And it was taking them like a really long time to get back. Our COVID test. I was getting really nervous.

Yeah.

And then they came back and they were really stressed and I was like, oh my God, we fucking have COVID. And then there was a dog that was coming up to us that was like a bomb dog.

Yeah.

And he's like a bomb sniffing dog. He like sniffed. And I was like, oh my God, fucking, they're sending the dog to tell us we have COVID.

Because COVID dog.

Yeah. Because he can't get COVID because dogs can't get COVID. So I was like, he's going to, he's going to fucking come here and tell us, like, he's going to put his paws on the windows and he's going to go, yo guys, fucking hate to say it, but you have COVID. Can you follow me? And like, he was going to be like, yo, can you grab my tail? And let's just fucking escort us out of the fucking That's what I thought was going to happen.

The dog was there to see if she had bombs.

No, the dog was there to see if we had bombs. Yes. We got kicked out immediately because Megan had explosives on her. No, no, we were good. Yeah. The test, the test came back great. The dog was chill. The dog wasn't walking over to us, but it was fucking really, really— it's, it's just a completely new world, like having to sit. And then once you get COVID tested, you can't leave the area because now you've been, you know, The second you walk out, you're like in the open air again. And like, everything's just like fucking down to like a science. It's very well taken care of. And the people that are talking to talent, like at moments I have to take off my mask because I'm on camera or whatever. So like, so the people that are like taking you from place to place wear two masks and a face shield. So it's like, it's like they're fucking dealing with like little zombies. Like it looks like they're like interacting with people that have been in a nuclear explosion. Right. So it's a really different environment, but You know, kudos to them because it's—

you present.

Yeah, I wasn't presenting. I was, I was a spot after Justin Bieber's performance. I was like talking about like, that performance is great. And then Justin and the whole—

the prompter.

Yeah, I read the prompter and it was great. It was, it was a lot better than last year because there was nobody in the audience. So it was just me and like all the producers there and there. And I was just like reading it to them. So there's no pressure. No, it was live.

It was live.

I was presenting after Justin's piece and which was really cool, by the way. I got to watch Justin and Sean sing together for the first time, which was like really fucking cool. And the coolest part is no one was watching them, like, other than the people working it and literally me and Megan. And it was really cool because like, it was just like, it's so cool to see two creatives like that, like, do their thing. And like, there's no, there's no creatives in the world that is like like when YouTubers collab, like that's not exciting. Or like when even when like actors collab, like it's not like as powerful as like when two singers are there like singing about something that means so much to them, especially like two kids that kind of had like the same upbringing and like have like had the same like rise to fame that was so quick and abrupt. Like it was really cool to watch them sing about a song that like was like so special to them. So that was sick.

Wait, did Justin Bieber do the one where he's like Singing about his childhood. That one?

Yeah.

Oh, the one he did on SNL.

He did all three. So he did Lonely, then he did Holy, and then he did Monster with Shawn. And then my bumper at the AMAs was I was saying how great the performance was and how T-Mobile is giving away a phone to somebody and merch, Justin's merch, like Justin signed merch. And they gave me one of his merch items to hold to show the camera. And it was signed. It was beautiful. And I was done. And, and I was just like, okay, like, I could go home. So I left with the merch. I was just like, I was just like, no one's fucking here taking it from me. I was like, I'm gonna walk out. And like, my knowledge from award shows is like, whatever's in your hand at the time they tell you to leave, you can walk out with. Like, I've left with awards that aren't mine and they're still sitting on my award shelves because no one asked for them. So I was like, fuck it, I'm leaving with this. It's merch. I'm sure they have like others that he signed. And we get a call today. They're like, yo, did you guys walk away with the signed merch? 'Cause I was gonna send it to my friend, my friend Shannon Healy, who is, This is so random, but she's a huge Justin Bieber fan. And when I collabed with him, she like messaged me about him and I was like, I want to send it to her. She lives in my hometown. And they call, they're like, yo, did you take the Justin Bieber merch? And first Megan was like, no. And I was like, why the fuck did you lie to them? Like, why did you lie to them? And then Megan— and then Megan called back and was like, yeah, yeah, we have it. And they're like, it's, it's the only one. Like, that's the only one that they were—

that was the one that was going to the team.

That was the one that someone was gonna win.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh fuck, like I thought he signed 5 of them, but It was like this specific one. So I was like, fuck. So now we have to go give it back, which kind of stinks. But I mean, hey, like, that's what we get for trying to steal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, like, 99.9% of the time you would have— that would have been in Shannon Healy's hands 100%. Yeah. They wouldn't have said anything.

I had this whole plan too, that I was going to, like, fly to Chicago and, like, like, hand-deliver it to her myself. Like, I was really excited because she's a huge Justin Bieber fan.

And now you're being arraigned on Monday. So, yeah, for grand larceny.

Yeah, I'm going to court, but it was great.

I've been riding around thinking I'm gonna get arrested because I found out I missed a court date.

Oh, you missed a court date?

Yeah, I got it like a traffic ticket looking at my phone like a year ago, and then I got another one. Oh fuck, in the same exact spot, and I can't pay it because I think I'm wanted.

What are you gonna do now?

I don't know, just, I don't know, move to Mexico. I'm not sure.

You know what TikToks have recently been on? Um, like, you know how like TikToks were like They'll like make you like sometimes your feed will be all cats or whatever. Like right now I'm on, I'm on cartel TikTok and I'm on jail TikTok.

Oh, how'd you get there?

I don't know. There's a lot of people that are on this. It's like, it's like a trend going around. There's a lot of videos from the cartel that are popping up and it's like all of them smuggling like cocaine and stuff. And you have like, like all of them.

Like, I love cartel TikTok.

Yeah, it's really good. It's really interesting. And like, the one I'm on right now is like there was like a boat and there was like a shipment of cocaine.

It's like busts by the cops.

No, it's like straight up from like, like Android phones that are like horrible quality and you see the cocaine like all laid out. This is in bus. And then, and then the next—

so smart if you're a drug dealer or it's fucking dope. Put it on, put it on TikTok. That's crazy. Yeah.

And then the next day I saw the— I saw cartel TikToks, but it was from the police point of view. So it was like a police, like, whole task force driving into like a small town, like with all the sirens. And it was like a hot police officer that flipped the camera to him. And like the top comment was like, damn, I wish I was in the cartel now. I want him to bust me. So it's like funny that like now, like, I see both of the point of views from the cartel. Yeah. So yeah, that's what's popping. And then I saw another video of this guy in jail and he's in jail, horrible phone, like the phone barely works, obviously he's in jail, but like he's like showing videos and he's like playing like fuck the police, like through the— like that's his TikTok sound that he's using. And it's like the saddest fucking thing. And like everyone in the comments is like, like, we're going to get you out of there, dude. We're going to like— like, we don't even know what this guy did, right? But everyone's like, man, we feel like this guy could have murdered like 15 people. But we're just like, we got to get him out of there. Yeah, so everyone feels bad for him, and, and he keeps— he's made 6 TikToks already, and his whole thing is he's begging people to get him to like 1,000 or 5,000 followers, cuz then you can start going live, and then I think you can start accepting donations. So like, he's like, he's like all about like, he's like, come on, give me the 6,000 followers so I can go live. And like, it's just so crazy. This dude's fucking straight up in jail.

How do you have a phone in jail? What, a cell phone in jail?

Yeah.

Are you crazy?

You just— you pay a guard off and you get it.

Never heard of that before.

Oh my God. Yeah, bro. People do that all the time. People sneak shit into jail. Yeah, they—

yeah, I'm sure. But like, a fucking phone is pretty crazy to have in jail.

Yeah, but it's just like, it's guards. Like, it's like, it's— you just pay a guard fucking whatever, $100, and he sneaks the phone in. It's a pretty good deal for a guard. It's like you're already fucking stuck in jail.

That's one of my biggest fears is to be in jail.

It is pretty horrible. But like, isn't it fucking so crazy How you can just go to like— not you can just go to jail, like you just accidentally wind up there. But it's crazy how like other humans will go, whoa, what you just fucking did, you have to go in timeout from the real world for 4 or 5 years. Like, that's such a bizarre thing to me. And like, how like there's like driving by a jail is the craziest thing. Like you're on the highway and you're like, I know exactly what you mean.

And like, there's dudes in there.

There's dudes in there and they've been there for years.

Yeah.

And all they do is they just see the surroundings around them as if it was a green screen. And everybody else is just driving by and like they'll never be able to climb the mountain that they see or like go on the highway. They're just stuck in that jail cell. It's such a—

and the other thing I always think about too is like even if you get out and you're like 50, like just like all that lost time, right? Your 20s and 30s gone, right?

But if you're out when you're 50, you really did something fucking bad, right? Unless it's like some bullshit thing.

Maybe, or maybe it's a drug charge.

Yeah, you got caught with marijuana. Yeah, yeah, that is bullshit.

It's kind of fucked up.

Well, the thing that like is like I'm confused about is like, I don't know, like, you know, there's like— I don't know if it's Sweden or Switzerland or where, but like the jails there are like fucking summer camps, right? Like they believe in like, like you can't even go to jail there for any crime over like 13 or 20 years. There's some sort of rule where you can't spend— there's no life sentences for sure.

The most you can get is 19 years. Remember we watched it together?

Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if it's 19 years. I don't know what it is. But yeah, you could kill— you can do whatever you want. It's the max, 19 years, because they rehabilitate everybody and they believe that everybody gets a second chance and this whole thing. The repeat offenders, those rates are a lot lower than anywhere else because of, I guess, just how they work their prison systems. And like, there's no, like, they're not— nobody's, nobody's in a cage. They're like in literal rooms that have like TVs and like nice sinks and like everything.

They look like hospitals.

It looks exactly like hospitals. And like, so I don't know, like, is that the way to do it?

Or one scene that was interesting in the doc was there was like 5 guys all living together in this really, really nice prison. And like, two of them, like, were like robbers, but they were like right next to the murderer, right? They were like all talking to him.

And, you know, the craziest part about the doc we watched was the woman prison guard. She was just like hanging out with the prisoners, right? In like this common area where one guy was like working a stone, like an oven, and like he was microwaving his food. And it was like five of them hanging out. And the guard was just basically— yeah. And the guard was just sitting on the couch with them, just talking.

Can I just jump in? Yeah.

My teacher, Mr. Killinger, is here. He's actually— he's been in jail. So you have some things to say.

David's trying to get his GED, so he's brought Killinger here for good.

Oh, yeah. Just in terms of where this conversation is going, I mean, that's— that's the punishment should be that you're removed from society, right? And that's it. Anything worse in terms of like— like when you've seen inside of prisons how terrible the conditions are, it's like that shouldn't be an additional punishment. Like you are removed from society. You're in like a prison area. But then, you know, and then you can be rehabilitated. You get educated and like, you know, counseling and stuff, and then you come out. As opposed to, yeah, in the United States, it's like, yeah, we're going to remove you and you're going to be in a tiny cell and it's going to be with a bunch of other people. We're not going to educate you on anything. You're going to potentially get raped in the shower. Like, it's— it's terrible. Yeah, exactly. And then, well, so another— not to get on like my high horse here, like a soapbox or whatever, but like, but part of it is that in the United States, a lot of prisons are run privately, like they're corporations. Corporations. And so they are— all they want is for people to come back into prison.

This is too much knowledge for our podcast.

This is not how things normally go here.

We like to keep it light, Killian.

Gotcha. I've got a light.

I've never even heard the word corporations before.

So, so I mean, yeah, they're businesses. So the way they make money is to have more prisoners. And so they're like, we're not going to educate you. We're not going to get you counseling. We want you right back.

Even minimum wage, right?

I agree with what you're saying. Like, I think that's like a better way to like rehabilitate somebody. But to play devil's advocate, let's say your mother was brutally murdered by somebody. Like, would you have— would you be like, send him to the summer camp, or would you be like, fucking have this guy rot in this prison? I completely understand that perspective, but like, you've got to take yourself out of it.

You've got to take emotion out of it. Like, of course, if somebody— yeah, somebody killed my mom, I would stab him with my bare hands. But like, but that's why it's not with your bare hands.

Like, you use your middle finger.

I would just— yeah, just jab him. It's just enough times, just like one of these like sharp motions like this.

And I just wouldn't cut your nails for a while.

Right.

Hope that. Exactly.

That would be my mother.

Exactly. You'd be so confused getting stabbed by my fingernails.

No. Okay. I know what you mean. So I guess you, you got, you can't be biased in that way.

Right, right. Yeah, exactly. If, I mean, if we punish people based on like the feelings of the victims and their families, then it's like everybody would be like, it'd be terrible. Right.

Yeah, exactly. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Exactly.

Right. Okay. I guess that makes sense.

Have you ever thought about you get into a situation where it looks like you murdered them but you didn't, you're innocent?

Oh my God.

And then you have to like move to Oklahoma and completely start a new life. And like, what would you do? Like, I would do that. I would never ever try to go to jail. I'd be like, I'm gone.

Like if you're wrongfully convicted or you're like, you were about to be and you saw the chance to like escape.

And yeah, if you had a chance to go and get a new identity and you go to like a small town and I totally leave.

Yeah, I'd pull fucking so much cash out and I just leave. I just leave. I would never, never Never come back.

What would your new alias be?

Albert.

Albert what?

Einstein.

Dobrik. Hey, Chief, look at this. This guy's got the same last name as the guy we're looking for, but a different first name.

Albert Dobrik. I think more suspicious would be if I was Albert Einstein.

Yeah, that would be—

Hey, Chief, is there Albert Einstein that you know about? This is George Clooney living in Oklahoma.

We were just watching an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

That's my favorite show.

They're shooting the new season right now.

Are they really? Oh, that's right. No, we did see that. Are they? But do you remember the one where they go to Dodger Stadium where he takes the prostitute to Dodger Stadium?

Yeah.

So in that episode, funny, there was a guy— there was a guy who was, I think, on trial for murder, or the cops—

Do you know why he takes the prostitute?

No.

So he can use— he can use the The HOV lane.

Oh, because he's gonna be late for the game and a prostitute's like, hey baby, and he's like, get in the car, we're going to the Dodgers game so I could take the—

pretty fun, so you can beat the traffic.

That is really fun.

Very Larry thing to do. Yeah, that's so clever.

That's fucking— that's really fun.

I tried to show these guys Curb Your Enthusiasm once and like, I didn't give enough of it. They liked it. Not just these guys, like Zane was here and they liked it. They only laughed like like 3 times.

It's the best. We— I think we've been through the whole series.

Maybe we have to watch more of it.

Yeah, yeah. But in— so in that episode, there was somebody who was like on trial for murder, or the cops had just picked him up or thought he was guilty of killing somebody. And he got off because at the time of the murder, they were shooting that episode. And he— and he's in the video, like in the TV show.

He's like, I've heard of this.

Wait, what happened?

He was one of the extras.

Some random— yeah, some extra.

He was one of the extras in the Dodger Stadium. Like in the, in the actual show, he was one of the extras and that was his alibi for why he wasn't at the crime, right? Because he was shooting Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yeah, that's crazy. Great. Wow, that's really funny. That's why we— that's why I do the vlogs, Jay. So whatever crime—

I know.

All right. I used to do the vlogs.

So yeah, the last year we're fucked if anything bad happens.

Yeah. Fuck. Where were you?

I was shooting with Dave. No, you weren't. Did you get your toilet paper and everything for lockdown?

We've switched over to our hands here completely.

Okay, great.

Because just in case— it was Natalie's idea— just in case the toilet paper is no longer available, in case the lockdown goes bad, we have—

hey, we have Natalie's new merch too.

I'm gonna ask a question. This is a little bit too much.

Come on, you used that joke.

This is— what'd you say?

I said you have Natalie's new merch too.

Oh yeah, we're gonna be using Natalie's merch. That'll be nice. Did you guys ever used to— this is probably a European thing, so maybe Ella, you can answer this. Do you guys ever used to. After you guys would go use the bathroom? This is when I was younger.

Oh, God.

Did you.

When I. When I would go number two. Did you ever go wash your butt right after?

Why is that weird?

Because I would sit on the sink. I swear to God. I was young, but it was like a. It was that weird.

Well, that is very European because you. You were. You were longing for a bidet.

Yeah. You have a bidet, but your family didn't know.

I would, like. Okay, I'll make it less weird. I would sit on the edge of the bathtub and scoop water into my butt and wash it.

Is that weird?

It's not weird. Okay, so now that's not weird. I'll tell you what I would actually do. I would sit on the sink and I would scoop water into my butt that way.

Okay, now tell us what you would actually do.

Okay, so I would have my mom blow water into my ass. No, the sink was actually— is that weirdo?

It's a little weird that you're using the sink. Why don't you just use the bathtub?

Because there was a bathroom where there was only a toilet and a sink.

Well, sink makes more sense.

Makes sense.

Your butt's closer to the water.

Well, no, you'd have to like hop up on the—

Yeah, I would literally hop up. My feet were dangling. Yeah, of course. I mean, it was a sink. I was like fucking— I was young. I was 19 years old.

I was going to say, I walked in on David doing that the other day.

I was young, but I wasn't like that young. Like, it was definitely— I was one of those guys. I told this story before. I was one of those guys where my mom was wiping my butt a little too late. I was definitely one of those guys. How old? Taylor laughed because Taylor was like, no, that's what I do. Um, no, how old? I don't know how old.

11?

Yeah. Oh my God, no, I don't know if it was 11.

Not 11.

What's 11? How old are you? 11?

Like 6th grade.

Oh no, no, no, not 6th grade. No, no, I wasn't in middle school.

Uh, I was in 5th grade.

No, I think—

oh, 3rd.

2nd.

2nd.

2nd for sure.

That's not bad.

Yeah, a 2nd. And I remember I was at my friend's—

says Jason, who fucking babies the fuck out of his children. Oh yeah, 2nd grade.

But I remember I was at my friend I'll say his name. I was at my friend Sergio's house and he was my age and he was in the bathroom and he goes, Mom! And my catchphrase was Anya, because that's how you say mom in Hungarian.

Yeah.

And it got embarrassing when I got older because like then my dad would start laughing. He'd be like, yo, just fucking wipe your own ass. And I'd always call my mom to like come help me. Isn't that fucking a weird thing that like, why didn't I learn how to do that myself? Why was I so comfortable with my mom doing it? And Sergio called his mom in. We were both like the second or third grade and mom. And she went in there and, and he came out and I was like, I was fucking on to him. I was like, I fucking know what happened. I know what happened. And I was like, so happy to finally see somebody like me. And I was like, why'd she go in there? And he goes, we didn't have any toilet paper. I was like, she didn't bring any toilet paper in there.

Dave, how would you bust your own kind?

Because I was about to be like, yeah, Hey, I want to view like I was about to give him one of those. And he was and I was like, and I was like, did your mom just wipe your butt? And he was like, no. And I was like, dude, it's fine. My mom does it too. And he was like, oh my God, yeah, she did. And he had such a like a— I still remember his laugh about it because it was like such a moment where like, oh, thank God we both fucking do this. Yeah, I was very late on that train.

This is a question for Natalie and Ella. Uh, do you guys use those like wet wipes, those like dude wipes?

Oh, I use those.

I know you're not a woman though. Hold on a second.

People with hairy assholes use the wet wipes.

I don't use them.

Girls don't have hair on their ass.

No, you do, but not like a guy. Like, can you— yeah, no.

Wait, timeout, timeout. Let's backtrack. You don't use wet wipes?

No, definitely not.

Why?

Me neither.

Why?

I don't need—

I don't need—

do you take big poops?

I know this is like a really a hot topic you think about often?

Not a hot— I wouldn't say I wouldn't put hot topic.

Hot, steamy, big topic.

Is it because I'm just wondering, like, is it like, does it come out like, does it come out as a log sometimes? There's like bunny pellets. Like, I just don't know what it is. You know, you don't think about this? I totally do.

I actually, like, envisioned it when you said it, like, very—

is it like, is it like, is it like, is it sound like, and it's just pellets? Or is it like, no, like, is it like, is it like, is it like you hear the You hear the first touch of water and then you hear the splash.

Oh my God. You guys never seen Two Girls, One Cup?

Oh God.

I mean, that explains it. That's—

I guess you're right. That does kind of say— No, that's poop.

That's proof.

Nope, that's poop.

It's funny when you said your dad embarrassed you like that. My dad used to embarrass me so easily, probably because I was such a pussy.

But I think I have to be careful of that when I have a kid. The thing that I love doing now with my friends And like with people around me now, I'd love to fucking embarrass them, right? But I think I really have to watch that when I have a kid because I think it's a whole— I think it's a whole different game when you have a child. Like you could say the wrong thing and it'll fucking— for the rest of their lives, it'll sit with them in a weird way. I always reference the moment when my dad pulled my pants down at a Little League baseball game. There was no one there. There was no one there. It was just on us on a baseball field. And he pants me. My underwear came with it. And I always remember there's something about your penis hitting the wind and the open air of a baseball field that really knocks it back into your like memory for the rest of its life.

Yeah.

Like, I think about that. I think about my tiny dick on that Little League field.

If your mom didn't wipe your ass that day.

Yeah. Yeah.

Really embarrassing.

Yeah, that was an embarrassing moment for me.

He was just goofing around.

Yeah. Can we type— can we, can we title this podcast Tiny Dicks on a Little League Field? Oh, man. No, no, don't do that. But that was, that was a moment for me. My old high school teacher Killinger is here again. And I'm going through his notes because he, like, writes down notes for the podcast, I guess, and they're organized. And there's like, look at this list. There's like at least like at least 50 ideas. And the sections are random podcast shit. Jason, David's weirdness, David's friends, weird Vernon Hills High School stories, surreal post-fame stories, long stories. So fucking crazy.

I'll take David and Jason for $200.

My— I'll tell you one. My favorite Jason story was at the live show in Chicago when you guys did the podcast there. And, and I had just walked there from my apartment. I was hanging out with you guys backstage and you guys were just like coming up with a show, like what you were going to do as we were backstage, like an hour before what the show was going to be, right? It was like— and you guys decided that like Jason was going to, for one bit, like change into his Jesus costume or like change into Carmelita, like back and forth between those two. And Jason's like, well, I can't do it because I'm not wearing underwear right now. And David was like, no, you've got to do it. Like, I don't care. And Jason's like, I'm not going to get naked, like, right off stage. It has to be a quick change. Like, I'm not just going to be balls out, like, backstage. There's people around there. And, and you— I mean, you were insistent, David. You were like, you have to do this. Like, this is how this bit is going to go. And Jason's like, all right, well, I'm going to have to borrow your underwear then. And David, you were like, absolutely the fuck not. And then Jason just, like, slowly looks over at me and he's like, Kellenjer, can I borrow your underwear? And I wanted to help out. In the back of my mind, I'm like, well, sure, no problem. But it was like an August day, and I just walked there from my apartment. I'm like, I'm not going to hand him my sweaty underpants to change into right now. And so that's kind of an apology to you, but also a hilarious story.

The thing is, I would literally not have cared.

I don't care.

If they were a little bit sweaty, I'd be like, that's fine. Hey, hey, you've been like, hey, I'm going to get 20 anyway, so who cares? At least you broke them in. It was just— as long as we get the bit.

It was just my favorite bit. Just the dead-eyed, like, completely serious look at me, like, right in the eye. I need to wear your underpants that you're currently wearing right now. I'm like, no, sorry.

Did you end up getting underwear?

I did a few changes. I remember El Fresco.

Oh my God.

Yeah, it was fucking nuts.

Yeah.

Luckily no one saw.

A funny thing. I like how you're expecting a face right now. No, just that I wrote down this one note about how you seem way more excited to talk with me via text than when I show up someplace. It's so funny because like whenever you're reaching out to me like, oh, David, you know, wants you for this, or thanks for doing this, it's all like exclamation points and like, and you're so— Natalie, you respond with hearts to everything. And then like, it's so funny because sometimes I'll show up someplace and I'll be like all jazzed up, like, oh yeah, everybody's having a good time. Like Natalie's going to be excited to see me. And it's always just like, Oh, hey, Killinger. I'm like, oh, okay, I guess.

I guess that's so funny.

Yeah, the deadpan.

You do do that, Natalie. What is that?

I know I do that. I text like a crazy person. Like, I am a completely different person when I text people.

That's so funny. That is such a Natalie thing. I know. You get it. Hey, Killinger. It's actually just like a shell, just like walking around like, totally. I have to text fun from my job. Did you get my fun text? Make sure to tell David they were extra fun.

I think that I'm fun. Like, I think that I'm like that and I type that way. But then when I'm in person, I'm not that way.

Right, right, right.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're a fun person.

I'm a piece of boring shit.

Speaking of shit, how big are your shits? Oh, okay. Is there ever a student that you taught that you just, that you just hated or you don't like?

There's, there's one student that comes to mind where I just won't Like, like if I saw him in person, I would just ignore him as opposed to every other student. I would like—

you won't forget.

No. Been years. So the story with that is that I, when I was the journalism teacher, I would take kids on field trips every year to like journalism conventions that were like national things. So like every high school in the country would like journalism convention. Yeah. High school journalism conventions. They were a great time. And so I took kids to Boston this one year, like, so we were there. It was like the second day. We were there for 3 days. We woke up on the the, like, the morning of the second day. And I'm trying to get everybody together in the lobby of the hotel in Boston. And I'm like, counting, counting heads. And there's, there's one off. And this one kid comes up to me. I'm going to change the student's name just for the sake of the story. This one kid comes up to me and says, we don't know where Mike is. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, I, I watched you close the door when you guys went to bed in this hotel room last night. And then now it's the morning. Like, what do you mean you don't know where he is? And he's like, this kid's like, well, he left last night. He said he was going to go meet some girls and he didn't come back. And I start losing my mind because it's in the middle of downtown Boston. And we went to bed like the last event.

You're responsible for everything.

I'm responsible. Exactly. So I'm like, this kid could be fucking dead. And so I'm having a panic attack. And not only that, but one of the chaperones that I brought with me was my boss, who was in charge of the entire English department. Yeah.. And I'm like, my boss is watching me like lose a kid and lose my mind. This kid could be fucking dead in an alley somewhere. And so I was losing my shit. I like, I was calling this kid nonstop and I just went into like a different like mindset where I'm like, I need to track down this kid if it's his fucking dead body or what. Like, I don't care. I need to like, I'm going to get my arm back or something, right? I don't care what his eyeball, fingerprints, something. Exactly. I need something. Eventually he picks up the phone and he's like super groggy sounding. I'm like, hey man, where the fuck are you? He's like, oh, I'm— I'm— I just— I guess I slept in. I'm like, that's bullshit because I'm with your 3 fucking roommates. We're in the lobby right now. Like, what are you talking about? And eventually, like, it's funny that this was at a journalism convention because I was doing like detective work of like trying to put the pieces together. But I eventually found him. He took a cab to a different hotel to meet up with some girls that he met at the journalism convention. And so like, I eventually, like, I take a cab there. He like eventually tells me where he is. I meet up with him and I'm like, I'm sitting down with him. I'm like, it looks like I'm happy to see you, but it's only because you're alive. Like, other than that, I'm like at the end of my fucking rope, right? Like, I'm just going to— I told the story a couple of weeks ago about how mad I was in like to a classroom, but this was like the most directed anger at like a single student I've ever had in my life. I'm like, I'm going to strangle you. I'm like, you're going home immediately. Like, I'm sending one of the chaperones home with you right now. I'm going to book a flight. You can't fucking trust you to stay here for another night. Like, are you out of your goddamn mind? I heard stories later. It's like, yeah, you know, he hooked up with both girls that were in, in the room. Like, other students were telling me this. I'm like, listen, man, good, good for him. If it's— if it felt like— like he pulled off something great. If I were 16 and I could hook up with, with two other girls in another high school, like, good for him. But I also still want to murder him. But like, The repercussions were he had to fly home immediately. I kicked him out of my class. Wow. Like, he could not be in newspaper. I'm like, I'm not going to fucking deal with this kid. Like, look at him every day, like third period, like, oh, you know, what story ideas do you have today? I'm like, get him the fuck out of my class. I never want to look at him again. And, and so, yeah, that's the kid. Like, I actually did see him one more time. He— I was on like a lunch break a couple of years later and he was like delivering the food with like a bunch of other teachers. And he comes up and puts all the food down. He's like, oh, hey, Jeff.

I was like, you know, I was like, hello. And then he walks away and all the other teachers like, ooh, Jeff, that's— I'm like, any other student could call me Jeff and I wouldn't want to— I wouldn't lose it. But like that fucking kid, I'm Mr. Killinger for life to that kid because I could have murdered him and should have. But I, you know, I get a punishment when he got back to school. Yeah, I think— I forget what it was. It was some kind of suspension. I think he was out of school for like maybe a week or something because I would have—

if I was in your shoes, juice, I wouldn't have handled it that well.

It was, it was so much of it known to send them home. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that was my only—

that was my only option. I feel like that's something that I would have done on a field trip, and I don't think I would have gotten a detention or gotten kicked back on the trip.

You think you would have gone away?

Well, that's because you would have gotten away.

Yeah, right, Dave.

You sleep with two chicks, I doubt it.

That part was probably not it. That's probably going to meet up with some guys to play video games. But so high school are known for their boys and their boners. I know this sounds weird, but, but, but I feel like there's—

what an intro.

I know it's an intro.

Welcome back to Boys and Boners.

I'm Dave Dobrik. I just, I just, I just know that there have been a lot of times when I was in high school, actually more in middle school too, where like there, there was a boner that I did not ask for and I was having to cover it up and I was like, does anybody else see what's going on here? Were there ever situations?

I've, I've, I've— so I've got a couple funny stories about that. You got a couple of things you remember? Two very memorable. No. So my wife was a teacher too, and she— I think she came back from, from work one day and was like, this kid— I was, you know, had this activity all planned and I was getting like supervised by my boss and I wanted the kids to get around and like move around the classroom and do this activity. And like one kid wasn't— one kid wasn't getting up, right?

Yeah, he like— I couldn't get him up to the whiteboard and—

Oh my God, this is like, like such a movie incident. This is like such a movie thing where, like, a kid doesn't want to go up to the whiteboard because he's a boner. Yeah.

And so I'd rather not. But like, I didn't know. So I told him about this and Jeff was like, Leah, you can't just like ask people to come up to the whiteboard. Like, if a boy says no, like, there's a reason. Like, I didn't—

Oh, that's like a rule and teacher code.

So, so it isn't—

I didn't know as a woman. And he had to explain this to his female colleagues as well. I didn't know. That boys just like pop boners for whatever reason. Like, I thought it was like in response to like a sexual stimuli.

So that's the thing. When you're 13, like almost anything is a sexual stimuli.

And that's what he kept saying. He's like, no, I just pop boners for no reason. And that was like fascinating.

No, that happens too. You get boners for no reason. There's no sexual stimuli, right? Sometimes you're like not even horny and it's just hard when you're a kid. Yeah. Or now or ever.

Yeah.

I remember being in class and being like, I'm not horny, but it's fucking rough.

Yeah.

But at a kid, when you're, when you're like younger, it's like a lot more like the boners would come every period.

Yeah, but it wasn't, it wasn't like I was turned on by anything.

I was just there. I know. Yeah. I was learning about like the great pilgrimage.

We're here on Boys and Boners. We're taking your calls.

Oh, so when you were a teacher, if a guy didn't want to come up to the board.

Yeah, I got it.

That's happened. Has that ever happened to you?

It happened a couple of times and I had to explain it to my female colleagues as well. Like, because they would complain about boys. I'm like, you can't. It's, you know, like, this is just going to happen. If a kid is like sitting in his chair, like with terror in his eyes that he doesn't want to get up, just let him fucking vibe for a few minutes.

It's so weird. I would always get boners at the the most inconvenient time, and it was right before passing period.

Yes, it was.

Yes, dude, totally. It was right when I— it was right when the bell was about to ring and I was about to go to my next— I was about to go to my next class. Yes. And I sometimes I would flip my backpack and I'd wear it on my stomach. Totally. Yeah. Or at the time they had like these binders. Remember those binders that like they're like made out of like a fabric and you put everything in it and like jam it against your pants?

Yeah.

And it was just— that was just— I remember that was the horror for me. When I was a kid, I was like, oh my God, boners are going to be like a serious problem my entire life. Like, it was like, it was like the same fear I had about like quicksand. Like when they teach you about quicksand, you're like, okay, got to watch out for those when I go hiking. Like, that's not a fucking fear. Um, and boners and skunks. This is another, I saw this, uh, it was a funny tweet. And like someone was like, when I was a kid, I thought skunks were going to be way bigger problem. And that's the same thing with boners. I was like, dude, I'm going to fucking pop boners whenever, when I'm older, like during meetings, but they do go away. Dude, and sometimes, you know, they're even hard to get now. Sometimes I wish I was younger. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving. Jason, any tips for people celebrating with their families, how to do it safely?

Uh, just when you go to dinner with your family, don't say anything. Just be silent the entire time and try to get out there as quick as possible.

Yeah, yeah. And especially if there's somebody there like that's getting boned, and especially— sorry— and especially if your ex-wife is there and she's getting boned by her new boyfriend. Yeah, he's there too. Make sure to keep your mouth shut. Yeah, and just be extra careful. I'm gonna wear headphones through dinner so he can't hear them have sex in the kitchen. All right, that's it. We'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff.