Someone Had Sex in David’s Bed

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, brought to you by Spotify. Yeah baby, yeah baby, round 2 with the Spotify, maybe like round 4. We're here. Oh yeah, wait, how does it— how do these normally start?

Jesus Christ, the money's getting thrown off because the money, the money's going to your head, literally, because your whole comedy routine is you say, welcome back to Views, the podcast where— but when they stick all that money in front of you, I don't care.

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Spotify pays us a bunch of money. All right, let's just roll the intro music. What's up guys, we're back. This is our podcast. It's me, Jason, and David. Yes, there's 3 of us. Let's just, let's just start it off with a bang. We just got back from our tour from Florida. Jason, say something. Holy shit, come on.

I don't have to.

What do you mean?

We're off rhythm because I'm letting you talk.

Yeah, it threw me off, to be honest. I was like, oh, David's gonna— David wants me to talk. Okay, you wanted to reach for your phone and look at some future stuff and see if I'll talk for a little bit.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, yeah. Okay, so I mean, I have nothing to say.

We just got back from Florida.

Yeah, it was really fun.

Is that a podcast tour? We were at, um, Fort Lauderdale. Hot. Very hot, but good. Yeah, we went to the bars there. How was that?

Yeah, they have like a sort of a little Mardi Gras kind of feel down there.

People are drinking. It's super intense. There's a bunch of people everywhere.

Island flavor going on. I don't even know, South American flavors coming up.

We, we prank called our— we prank called actually our room at the hotel there. Yes. And, and because I needed it for the vlog, and I told Jason, I'm like, prank call, prank call the hotel front desk and ask them if they can hook us up with some cocaine. And And he did, and he's like, "Hi, just had the room service, it was great." Run it through how you did it.

I was just like, "Hey, just had the room service, it was really great." She's like, "Oh, that's wonderful, Mr. Nash. So great, so great to hear that. Would you like someone to come take the tray?" And I said, "No, I'm actually gonna need the tray 'cause I'm getting a buttload of cocaine in here. Do you know where I can find some cocaine?" And then she just kinda went, "Ahahaha!" Downtown. And then she proceeded to say that she couldn't get us cocaine, But she said to go to the strip club. Yeah, it was called like Scarlet's or something.

She gave us a couple locations for where we would possibly be able to pick it up.

Yeah.

So it wasn't even funny at this point because it was just pretty serious. It was just her listing places and we weren't even laughing anymore. We were just trying to get off the phone because apparently there's a long list of places in Florida where you can get cocaine.

Yeah. Yeah, she was, she was down for it.

She was very—

it was a great hotel.

Yeah. And then that's why we didn't want to put it in the vlog either, is because We didn't want to incriminate this woman, the woman that works at the front desk that also knows all the cocaine hotspots.

Cocaine.

No, but we went to the bars there. It's a very interesting place. It was a lot.

I lost David at one point.

Yeah.

And that was, you know, because it was a little— there was an area that was kind of dicey and I got really scared when I lost you.

Yeah.

Yeah. You went around the corner like with your camera. I think you saw something and I was like, oh, there goes my meal ticket.

Yeah. So there goes my paycheck every week.

Yep. And then you came back and I was like, money.

What about my friend?

No, no, I was, I was, I was watching your back. I was a little concerned.

Really?

Yeah, I was like, I don't know, I didn't want anyone to kind of go off. I just think any city that you don't know, sure, the guys, people wanders off, that's not good.

My favorite is when like, oh, oh, this was great. Jason was dancing and he was like having a good time. He was like off the rails, not drunk, nothing, completely sober. And And this guy started recording him right next to me, like on his phone. And I come up to him and like, what is this guy doing?

And I had like a feather boa raptor on my head and he was just being super extra good. I ran that day. Yeah, I haven't eaten carbs. I've had a lot of extra energy.

Sure. And by the way, he hasn't been eating carbs. And Jason tells me every 20 minutes, he's like, by the way, David, I've been losing a lot of weight, as if he wants me to reassure him. And I'm not a fucking— I'm not a liar. I'm not going to be like, yeah, you have.

You don't think I've lost any?

I haven't seen the progress yet. But you know how much better it's going to be?

Look.

Oh Jesus, Jason, put it any better. Jason just whipped out two of his tits.

It's hard when you get old because sure, even if you do lose weight, it's still a sag session.

Honestly, if you shave that hair off, you'll probably lose 30 pounds. I think that's, I think that's your way of losing the weight.

I'm getting that old man.

No, but I'm sure you look better than yesterday anyway. All right, so, so Jason's dancing, like being completely extra, like he's, you know, he's being Jason and this guy's on his phone on Instagram stories recording him and I'm like, I'm like, who is that guy? And he's like, oh, he's some fucking YouTuber. And I'm like, oh really? And I'm like, is that why he's acting like that? Is that why he's so like— because he's a— because he's really cocky. And he's like, yeah, he's a fucking prick, dude. Like, complete— like, just he thinks he's so famous and shit. Like, it's so annoying. Like, completely trash-talking Jason. And yeah, and then I whipped out my Instagram stories and I finally recorded him talking shit about Jason.

Yeah.

Um, and then, and then, um, and then he saw me go up to Jason later and talk to him, and he came up to me, he's like, oh shit, are you fucking friends with him? And I'm like, yeah, I'm friends with him, and he's like, oh, fuck you, dude. And he felt really embarrassed, and then he left. But he was straight up talking shit about Jason right in front of me. And then I actually, during it, I asked him, I'm like, what would you say if I told you that guy makes over $100,000 a month? And he goes, get the fuck out of here, a month? And I'm like, a month. And he's like, well, man, I mean, good for him. That's an amazing guy right there. He's a hardworking dude.

Change of tune real quick, huh?

Yeah, he was—

You don't make $100,000 a month.

You know, you've—

but if you told them that I don't—

you've had a month or two where you've done that?

Just one.

You've had them up.

There was a funny thing that happened. This girl came up to me and me and Todd, and she's like, I'm a huge fan of David's vlog, and I actually heard you guys were here and I followed you here, and I'm so embarrassed and I'm so sorry. I love it so much. And I was like, I was like, I was like, oh, don't be embarrassed. I'm like, cool. I'm like, we're all just hanging out. And so then she kind of like latched on to us or whatever. She's like, oh, cool, cool. She's like, then, then she, uh, she gets a a penis shot from the bar.

What's a penis shot?

A penis shot is the girls stand on the bar, they come over, and then they have this long penis that goes into the girl's mouth.

Okay.

And they give her like a— literally pour a can of beer in there.

Oh, into the penis.

And she chugs the— she drinks from the penis. She's like, I'm gonna do this for David's vlog. I'm gonna do this for David's vlog.

Oh, you came up to me about this?

I said, oh, this girl's gonna do this. And then you just weren't interested in filming it, so I never pushed you. I'm like, oh, if Dave doesn't want to do it, like, whatever. But I was like, I'll film it. Like Whatever. Maybe something funny.

Jason came up to me and he's like, this girl's about to do a beer bong. And I'm like, what are we fucking in 7th grade?

Oh, you know what?

Fuck you.

If it was Heath, you'd be like, yeah, he's doing a beer bong.

It's just like a stranger. Everyone does beer bongs.

I don't know. Maybe something funny can happen. You don't know.

Sure, sure.

I mean, you don't know.

It was just really funny how excited you were about this random person doing a beer bong.

I didn't push you at all. I said, no, I said like, hey, do you want to film this? That's all I said.

No, you didn't. But it was just funny that you offered it to me. Cause like, it's just like, it's literally like going up to me and being like, hey, hey, hey, this girl's about to light a cigarette and smoke it. Like, oh shit.

I don't know. I saw the big penis and I was like, oh, maybe that's kind of funny.

You didn't tell me that it was a penis. I think that is funny. Yeah.

Cause you, you just told me you never listened to me, by the way. It would have been funny. I'll show you the tape. It's funny.

You just told me it was a beer bong. You didn't tell me it was a penis.

I said this girl's going to drink from a penis. Maybe you didn't hear me.

No, you said beer bong.

But I mean, just trust me. Just trust my instincts. If I, if I tap your shoulder and I say—

If you came up to me and you were like, this girl's about to drink out of a penis. First I would have been like, what do you mean? And then I would have been like, I'm coming. Yeah, literally coming.

But yeah, just my instincts. Like, no, sure, whatever. You did not care at all because you just wanted to leave.

No, you're right.

Okay, so anyway, she does it, I film it, she chokes on the beer a little bit.

Chokes on the penis?

Yeah, she chokes on the penis. It's not that great. Sure, in your defense, it wasn't that great.

Yeah.

So I was like, oh cool, good job. Then she comes over to me, she's like, uh, she gives her credit card, she's like, I can only get— it was like the beer bong was like $16. She didn't have enough money.

Oh, no way.

For it. Yeah. So she's like, you got to help me out. So then I had to pay for her fucking beer penis thing.

Actually.

Yeah.

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah. Oh, and then I gave my card and my card got declined and she's like, just like the vlogs.

And then she's like, oh shit, it's not a fucking character.

And then they held on to my card for a while and I was like, I didn't buy it. She bought it.

And then who paid for the dick?

Um, the owner of Sway.

Oh really? Yeah, the owner of the nightclub next door.

Yeah, yeah, came over and took care of her, I guess. I guess what's really funny is like everyone knows each other in Fort Lauderdale, so I guess because everyone knew each other.

Yeah, that's really interesting.

Yeah, and then we went to a club.

We went to a club.

Yeah, they were there for like a minute.

They made you take your shirt off because you were too sweaty.

I was dancing so much, it was so hot. I was like— it was— my shirt was soaked and I walked in, the woman just goes, you need to take this off. She's like— so then she gave me and Zane, the two sweaty guys in the group, she gave us shirts that said way that have the nightclub name on the shirt.

Look like bouncers. They were really nice people at the nightclub.

They were.

If you have— if you ever go anywhere, go to Sway.

Shout out to Esmeralda at Sway, who's a fan of Trisha's. And I was walking by Friday night, she was like, she's like, oh my God, I watch you and Trisha. And then she brought us all in, which is awesome.

Yeah, way to hook it up.

Yeah, Esmeralda at Sway.

Did you, um, did you hear the news?

What?

Um, there's a crocodile in Indonesia that killed a man.

Yeah.

So his village slaughtered nearly 300 of them.

Really?

Yeah.

That's an interesting response.

You didn't hear that? It was all over the news.

It was?

No, I'm kidding.

Oh, I was going to say.

It is an interesting response, though, isn't it?

Why would they— like, that's the first time it's happened? Or tell me more.

That's all I know. It's just that—

That's all you're getting right now?

It's just a headline article.

David has a big gig with a major news outlet this week.

It's not a big gig.

It's kind of big. And so he's doing his reporter thing tonight. He wouldn't let me look at any of the stories before.

I'm doing something with NBC.

Okay. You can say.

Yeah.

Okay, good. That's kind of cool though.

No, it's cool. I'm gonna be— I'm gonna be doing something on there. I'm gonna be taking over their, like, their Snapchat Discover show page. I'm actually really excited about it because I've never done anything like— it's gonna be like serious news, so I'm gonna feel like a news anchor. It's gonna be cool.

What's good? What kind of stories are you gonna be doing?

I don't know, like, what's—

I don't get it.

Literally whatever you find in the street, or no, like, they're gonna be like stories about Trump.

Oh, it's gonna be at a desk?

No, like, it's gonna be like I'm gonna be in front of the camera, I'm gonna be standing, and I'm gonna be reporting like a news anchor, right? Like, I'm not gonna—

Now This News kind of.

Yeah, yeah. Trump said President Trump just signed a 3-year declaration. Yeah. And I'm going to be completely serious. Wow. That can be funny.

Oh, I just assumed it was you, like, shooting people with paintball guns on Times Square.

No, no, no, no. That's, that's for one of our parts. But that's not— no, it is interesting.

That's good. That'll be fun.

But I'm very interested for that. And then Jeff Bezos. This is, this is a new segment of The Views podcast. He's now the richest person in modern history.

Really?

$151 billion. This dude is worth.

Really?

What do you do with that kind of money?

Richer than like oil people and everything, and like Warren Buffett and like the Koch brothers. And the Koch brothers? Yeah.

Who are the Koch brothers?

The guys that own Coke, actually.

Yeah, bullshit. Yeah, you're kidding me.

Yeah, they, they like, they're like big Republican supporters. Like, aren't they the richest people? He's the richest.

There's— oh, Coca-Cola.

Yeah. Oh my god, not the cocaine. Those are two different guys. We know, the Koch brothers, the guys from Sherman Oaks, those guys that give us coke. The guys who live in that duplex, they're the richest.

Oh my God. And I wasn't even fucking with you. I lit— my mind went to cocaine instead of coke. That's— that just shows where I live and where my life is heading. It's not the right direction.

Amazon's like, you know, you can work for Amazon now. You can literally be a driver for Amazon. You make $300K a year.

Really?

Yeah. So if this all falls through for me, David—

no, Amazon's insane. How, how do you— would you, would you be able to be a truck driver?

I'll do anything at this point.

Those guys are on the road a long time by themselves.

We get a lot of hemorrhoids.

Really?

Yeah, truck drivers have bad hemorrhoids.

Oh, because from sitting in one spot too long?

Hey, try taking a load from Boston to Florida, dude.

Wow.

It's serious.

And then when you're— but don't they get like a week off? Aren't they like a week on and week off?

I don't know about that. Have you ever driven across country?

Yeah.

You have? Oh, just to come here. Just to come here. Yeah, it takes a long time.

It's brutal.

It's not fun.

It's brutal.

I don't think I could do it.

And a truck driver is a lonely job. What would you do with your kids? You wouldn't be able to see them.

You know, FaceTime.

FaceTime. I mean, I guess that wouldn't be a problem. It's not a problem now. Why would it be a problem later? Oh boy, can't see my kids for 3 months.

I wonder what people really think. Do you think half the audience thinks I don't see my kids?

You see your kids.

And half think— oh, and half know it's a joke.

For a divorced dad, Jason sees his kids a lot.

Yeah, man.

Some would argue too much.

Who would argue that?

Me. Yeah, some would argue that he's not around for bits enough and that he's spending too much time with his family.

I want I wanna go to New York and Chicago with you, but I gotta see that.

Yeah, I've had him in New York and Chicago, but he's all about his family all of a sudden.

I don't know what to do.

It's always when it's least convenient for him to leave, all of a sudden his kids are his priority.

Oh my God, here we go.

Speaking of priority, yesterday we were shopping for a bong.

Yeah, down on Hollywood Boulevard.

So we went, we were getting it for Sketch, and I've never run into so many people that watch my videos while we were in this bong shop.

Wait a minute, yo dude, hold on a second.

You know, you're not even the stoners that were inside, but like, we were on Hollywood Boulevard, so like little kids with their families would walk by.

Yeah.

And the parents would have to come in to ask me to step out to take a picture with them because they didn't want to bring their kids into the shop.

Yes.

And I'm like, this is the worst place to catch me. I look like a fucking pothead. So I think I took like maybe 8 pictures with like different people at that bong shop.

Yeah.

Which is very—

that one stoner goes, oh, you're the dude that got dumped by Liza. Yeah.

He goes, you're the dude. Yeah. He goes, He goes, you didn't you just get dumped by someone? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Liza. And he's like, oh yeah, can we take a picture? And he took a picture with me and he's like, you know what, I'm going to caption this. I'm like, what? He's like, I'm going to caption it. Liza broke his heart. LOL. And I'm like, fuck, that's funny, dude. Yeah, he said that. I, I was in the elevator. I was in the elevator the other day. This actually doesn't happen to me as much as like one would expect. This was like the only second, the second time this has happened to me, I think, ever. And then the other time happened to me 2 days ago where I was in the elevator and it was just me and this girl. And this girl, this girl goes, she goes, it's quiet. We've already gone 2 floors without talking. And she goes, oh, you got dumped by Liza. And I'm like, yep, that's me. And it's only happened to me twice, but it's happened to me twice in the last in the last 3 days. It's so funny.

I had a lot of people this weekend— I had 3 different people tell me, they go, you go, you're not so bad in person. Yeah, like that.

That's crazy. Yeah, that's cool. You must have been having a good weekend because I don't agree with that either. No, but, um, but no, that's, that's really interesting. I don't know, I think that's— I think that's a whole heck of a lot of fun. But did you guys know that every single episode of Views is now on Spotify? Yes, the same app that has millions of songs now also has thousands of podcasts. On Spotify, you can listen to all your favorite shows, ahem, and discover new ones, just not too many. I feel like that ahem has to go before the favorite shows. Spotify people that are working on the script, I think it should go on Spotify you can listen to, ahem, your favorite shows and discover new ones. That's how it should go.

Hang on a second. On Spotify you can listen to your favorite shows, ahem, and discover new ones, just not too many.

We get jealous very easily. See, it just seems weird.

It's not flowing.

Ridiculous. I mean, sorry, I meant to say regardless. I don't even know the words.

Maybe you're not the guy that should be telling them about coffee. You don't know the difference between ridiculous and regardless.

Ridiculous to subscribe to our show. Search for Views.

We just lost the Spotify account. They just called.

Tap follow and get every new episode delivered to you. Podcast on Spotify. They're streaming right now. And now. And now. Thank you, Spotify. We really do appreciate you. Anyway, let me get back to this bong story. Right in the middle of our Spotify read. Sorry, Spotify.

Yeah, Spotify.

Sorry, our bong story was interrupted by Spotify.

Can you ask the guys not to talk about the bong shop in the middle of the ad?

Anyway, so we got the bong, we brought it back. I bought like an expensive one to make it look dope, and then I bought another one that was a cheaper one. And the boys decided they want to try out the expensive one before we shot anything with it.

Sure.

This is a bad idea because we didn't get any shooting done afterwards. Jason hit it. Yeah, first Dirty Dom was over, and if you know anything about our friend Dom, he is the biggest pothead in the world. He's always high. He hit it, he's like, yeah, that was dope, that was dope.

I had called Dirty Dom and had him sneak into David's house to get in his bed and have sex with a girl.

Oh yeah, yeah, that's what happened.

That was my big prank.

We should— we should— yeah, right when we got home, I started hearing sex noises coming from like my room, and I'm like, oh my god, what the What the fuck is happening? Like, I thought porn was playing through my TV. And then I ran to my room, and I didn't even grab my camera, 'cause I genuinely just thought it was like on the TV and I needed to like turn it off. I don't know why I would watch porn on the TV. I'm just totally making this up. But then I went back to grab my camera, 'cause I heard something on my bed. So I grabbed my camera and I ran in, and Dom was under my covers having sex with a girl. And I didn't put it in my vlog, 'cause they weren't actually having sex.

I know, that was why the prank didn't work. I was like—

Yeah, you should've told them to actually have sex.

I did, I said a girl to have sex with. Yeah, they were not just— I think Dom just saw it as a good way to come over.

Yeah, I didn't actually—

cool, I can come over and shoot a bit with David. Sounds good.

And you know, his food— I didn't put in the vlog because they weren't actually having sex, and, and I didn't get like— I didn't react to it like I would have if they were actually having sex, so I just scrapped the bit. But Dom was here on the perfect day when I bought a bong. Out of all the days, I never buy bongs, and Dom's over at my place. I'm like, it's a big coincidence. So Dom hit it And then Brandon hit it, and then Jason hit it. And I shit you not, 10 minutes later, bro, Brandon is in another galaxy. I have never seen this. It was like out of a fucking movie. Like, how do I describe this? Like, he was very paranoid.

He had like a very scary— it was like a break in his personality.

He was a completely different person. And I'm like, Brandon, I've never seen anyone more fucked up than you. And he goes, really? Wait, seriously? Wait, really? Is it— is everything okay? And I'm like, yeah dude, everything's fine, but you're like really high. And he goes, what do you mean dude? What's going on? What is it? And I'm like, your eyes are really red. And he's like, oh shit, are you serious? And then he went into my room to lay down, and then he— and then from the other room I hear, Jason, Jason, can you come in here for a second? Jason goes in there to comfort him for like 30 minutes. So him and Jason him and Jason are talking, and then Jason comes out. What do you guys talk about? What do you guys talk about?

He's like— he was, he was, he was like crying. He was like, I don't know, dude, I'm just, I'm scared, like that. And I was like, everything's fine, it's gonna be fine. I was like, you need about 10 minutes. I'm like, this has happened— this is— this literally happened to me a couple months ago, so I don't smoke pot anymore. That's why I didn't really even hit it that hard. And, uh, and, uh, and he, he, he was just really freaked out and And he kept thinking that you were gonna come in and do something to him. Yeah, it was almost like— it was almost like he doesn't trust you.

Yeah, that's what it was in here. That's what it was.

And he thought that like all the pranks were gonna start on him.

Yeah, he thought he was gonna be high and like I was gonna say there's an earthquake outside, which you did come in with a lightsaber and scare the fuck out of him. Cuz I heard that he was complaining cuz he was scared of me and I came in and I pretended I was this giant monster. I was making sounds like, oh, and then he's—

then he came out and he sat down.

No, no, first you came out and he stayed in the room, and I'm like, what happened? And Jason started talking about Brandon, and all of a sudden I hear Brandon go, Jason! And then Jason has to go back into the room, and Brandon's like, hey, you guys aren't talking about me, are you? So funny, so funny, like ridiculous. Like, I mean Yeah, it was, it was really interesting. And then, um, and then what happened?

And then you had an ice cream sandwich.

I had an ice cream sandwich and Brandon was all about this ice cream, but he couldn't—

he literally couldn't. We finally got him out on the chair and he couldn't get up from the chair to get the ice cream sandwich. And we just said, if you want an ice cream sandwich, you've got to go over there and get it yourself.

Yeah. And then he—

and then it took him about 15 minutes.

Yeah, it was brutal. So, so did he get the ice cream sandwich?

He did, but you wouldn't let him eat it on the couch. That was the big thing. So he's like, so I have to stand and eat it? Like, well, no, you can go sit in the kitchen, I guess.

Yeah, he wasn't too happy about that.

I think you had to be there to hear to think this was funny.

No, this is, yeah, this is definitely one of those, uh, stupid stories, but well, it's not a stupid story, Jason. Oh, here, I'm, I'm about to read an ad for, uh, for the deodorant called Secret.

Yeah.

And it's Secret Clinical Strength. And before I read it, Jason, we heard before we started the podcast, Jason was looking at our ads to read.

There's emails.

There was emails. And he's like, okay, so we have Spotify and then we have a Secret ad. And he said it like that. And he's like, It's going to be a secret ad. And I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? He like almost whispered it. He's like, it's a secret ad. And I'm like, okay, cool. So, so do we not tell people it's an ad? Like, what does that mean? And he's like, I don't know. I don't know. And he was so excited to read it. He's like, it's a secret. And then he's like, oh no, just kidding. It's for, it's for the deodorant.

I think I'm still high.

Okay, let's clear a few things up about Secret Clinical Strength Antiperspirant. Number 1, it's not actually a secret. There we go, Jason, you should write that. You can tell anyone about it. 2, it's clinically strong, which just means it's good at preventing sweat, like twice as good as regular antiperspirant. That's why it's on the top shelf. 3, strength is a cool word. You don't really see it a ton on women's deodorant packaging, so we're like, sure, let's shake things up. 4, sweating is the worst. 4.5, not sweating is great. So you should, you should buy Secret clinical strength antiperspirant.

I use my girlfriend's Secret all the time because I'm too lazy to pack.

Yeah, I hear Secret's amazing. I've heard this before.

It works great.

I've actually bought this deodorant before, even though it's women's.

I don't think it's that girly to put on. Like, when I put it on, I smell it first. I'm like, am I gonna do this?

I don't think it's girly at all. You know, you suffer with sweating.

Oh yeah, I sweat like crazy. You saw me in Fort Lauderdale.

I have, I have bad palms.

You do? Yeah, I don't get that. Why do you have bad palms?

My palms sweat like crazy when you're nervous. Yes, when I'm nervous, they sweat like crazy.

This is why—

hey, this is why I hate meetings, because I'm thinking about my palms sweating the entire time. Yeah, and, and then at the end of the meeting, and they start sweating more, and I can't focus on the meeting because I'm thinking about my palms sweating so much. And then I'm scared to shake their hand after.

Carry a handkerchief.

Did you see what I did my last meeting?

No, you fist bumped it.

Yeah, I fist bumped it.

Did you see what I said?

No, I said my hands are sticky because I've been playing with this vitamin C thing all day. It was like I had this like emergency in my hand and I told him that my hands were sticky when they weren't sticky at all. They were just sweaty.

Really? Yeah, I think you're all right. I think you're— I'll check your hands out the next time.

Right now I'm not even nervous. Shake my hand. Shake my hand.

That's why we got to get video for the podcast. That is gross. Yeah, what's going on?

This isn't even that sweaty. My hands are just—

you have no reason to be nervous right now. No, we're just sitting in your house.

Sure, I mean, your pants are off, but that's— yeah, um, no, isn't it crazy? My hands—

yeah, those are weird.

I don't sweat from anywhere like this at all. It's just my hands, my palms.

Your armpits don't sweat?

No.

And when you, um, when you were in Fort Lauderdale, were they sweaty?

Yeah, but only sometimes. I went like last year without sweating at all, and now I've gotten it back a little bit. But in high school, all the time, my papers would be wet because my hands would be down on them, and they would tear off because they got so wet. Isn't that crazy? It's like these little fish.

Yeah, those are clammy-ass hands. I didn't expect them to be anything.

Yeah, no, I know, it's kind of embarrassing.

Handkerchief. With you.

No, it's not like that. You can't wipe it off.

Why not?

So what I'll do is I'll be in— I'll be in my car before a meeting, I'll turn on the AC on blast, and I'll put my hand right over the cooling thing for like 7 minutes. And then when I'm ready, I run to the meeting. I run to the meeting so I can get that first handshake out of the way. That's my favorite. I knock it out, I'm like, done, no more shaking hands for 30 minutes. And then I just— I keep— I keep talking about it. And sometimes I'll even do this. Sometimes I've spilled water on my hand hands and been like, oops, can't shake your hand. I'm being dead serious.

Yeah, I guess so. I never realized it was a real problem.

Like, I've done shit like this and like, it's crazy. Like, I'll avoid— I'll put a bunch of things in my hand. I'll be the guy at a meeting that'll clean up the table a lot afterwards. So he has a bunch of things, so I'll be like, oh, here, I'll elbow you instead. So I'll give him a little elbow instead of a handshake. You've never noticed that, I don't think. But like, I do that a lot.

That's so funny.

That's my nervous pacing before a meeting.

Oh, it's about you.

I remember, it's my palms.

Yeah, we were at a meeting the other day, you were pacing around.

It's my palms.

We were going into a meeting the other day, we didn't even know what it was about, and David was so nervous.

It's because my palms sweat and I was trying to dry off my palms. That's why I move around so much.

Which is fist bump.

I don't want to because I'm not— I love handshakes, bro. I love them.

This is getting really sad. It's so sad. I didn't know you— if you love handshakes and you can't shake hands.

Yeah, I really love them because I I feel like they're, they're so important.

Sure, they're so important. Like a handshake.

Yeah, nice.

I think about guys that give the big grip back.

I think it's too much.

I do too. Yeah, do you ever— I get— you ever get a hard shake? You're like, hey, what's going on here?

Your dad's one of those guys.

My dad does that. I haven't shaken my dad's hand ever, but that's good. Interesting you said that because I don't shake his hand. I hug him.

Your dad shakes, shakes his hand like he's like holding on to dear life.

Firm grip, right?

Yeah, firm grip. Like my palms don't— aren't sweating. When I shake his hand, but the second he grips my hand, he squeezes every juice I have in my body. Yeah, yeah, it's—

yeah, we're not doing a real estate deal. No, saying hello.

And even that, I just don't understand. Have you ever like met someone with like the perfect handshake where it's just like, no fucking shit, like this is like— it's not too— it's not too firm. I also don't like the ones that are like really floppy, that are like—

they're like, like, like just not even, hey, what's up, man? Yeah, like almost like a high five, like a low five.

No, I hate the—

what's a floppy Well, you don't want to touch my hand. I don't care.

How does my hand feel right now? Now that we're talking?

Just cold.

It's just cold?

Yeah, you must have wiped it off, but before it was wet. Yeah, like, like you were in the shower. Yeah, I mean, I don't care. I don't think you're gross, but thanks.

Um, well, let me tell you this, actually.

I'm okay with a lot of people's— a lot of my friends' stuff. Like, Tricia has these two little hairs under her chin. Okay, she was telling me about it the other day. And she was like, you must think that's so unsexy. And I'm like, nah.

Oh, it's people that are close to you?

Yeah, like people that are close to me, I— they can like throw up on me, I don't care.

Sure, I guess. Yeah, that's exactly—

my friend Jeff used to love my farts.

What?

He used to love my farts.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, and all my other friends would be like, God, you— and Jeff would be like, you're kidding. He'd be like, that's fucking great.

Really?

Yeah, like, I—

they He—

not that he thought they smelled good, but they smelled so bad that he was just like, oh yeah, I gotta, I gotta smell this. Actually, yeah, he's my best friend.

For a reason, I guess.

He's a good friend.

Damn, that's the—

yo man, you any farts tonight? Hey, maybe. Play your cards right.

I mean, I have to smell my own farts, but everyone does, right?

I don't fart anymore because I changed my diet, but I used to fart a lot.

You don't fart anymore?

Not really, maybe one.

Okay, but when you fart, do you like the smell of your own fart?

Yeah, but they weren't like they used to be. Now when I fart, it's like, nah, that's not a good smelling fart. Sure, they're not really worth smelling.

Let me tell you this, I used to sweat. I used to sweat under my armpits a lot.

Yeah, right.

I used to sweat actually a lot because it's, it's when you start thinking about it, you start sweating more there, you know what I mean?

Uh-huh.

It's like when you start thinking about anything, like if you— yeah, anyway, so I sweat under my armpits a lot and that's why I started wearing white t-shirts. I only wore white t-shirts for the first year I moved here because I'm like, you can't see sweat stains on white t-shirts. And then I found out you can't—

black you can't see.

Exactly. And then I found out, holy shit, you can't see them on black. So I started wearing black. See, everything, everything about me has a reason. Everything about me stems from me sweating too much. Well, that isn't that interesting. So I never wear a color because like, like I'm— when I would be on— this is this, this is why I didn't go on set of things. Right. I hated acting. One of the reasons was because I— they'd give me a wardrobe to wear and I'd sweat right through it, and I'd be embarrassed because the shots would have— the shots would— in the shots I'd be sweating.

Oh wow.

And every shot would be different because I'd be sweating a different amount.

Oh, it's so interesting.

So I never went on set because I was like, if it's not my wardrobe I walk in on, I don't want to do it.

Dude, you're blowing my mind right now. Yeah, I thought you wore black to look cool.

No, no, I do because I'm really insecure.

I wore it because I I'm fucking gross.

But here's the other side of it. I don't sweat under my armpits anymore, like ever. Like, I'll never have pit stains.

So that was more when you were younger?

No, it was because I stopped thinking about it, because I wear black shirts and I'm like, it's never a problem. So it never crosses my mind.

I mean, a psychologist would love to crack you open.

Yeah.

Goddamn.

Yeah.

Wonder what's going on there.

Yeah, no, I mean, it's— there's a whole bunch of things.

That's interesting. Well, you know, you're under a lot of stress. You have a high-stress job.

Sure.

So it's acceptable to me that it's understandable that you have sweaty palms.

No, I believe you.

It could be a lot worse. What would you do if you have a heroin addiction?

You have a— have you ever had a friend that had a heroin addiction?

I have not. I have been blessed in that department.

Yeah, that's scary.

Have you? Yeah, I have heroin.

I had, I had one of my, one of my close friends actually overdose on heroin in high school. Yeah. Oh, brutal.

You get heroin?

It's insane. That's what we thought too. We had no idea how you get heroin in a town like mine. Like, it was a bit— it was very random because people weren't even smoking weed yet, right? We were like freshmen or sophomores. It was very like really interesting. And yeah, that happened. We had a lot of like a lot of freak deaths in our high school. I don't want to go into it because it's just like it feels wrong to talk about.

Yeah, it is interesting that you've told me about it.

But we've—

yeah, we had freaky—

had like 5 or 6 people. You can, you can take like a picture of like one of the teams that we had and 3 of the guys that are standing next to each other passed away from like freak accidents. It's really weird and it'll make a person really uncomfortable.

Was it a big high school?

No, very small.

Trying to do the numbers on it. No, I mean, yeah, it was 10,000 people.

Sure.

But I mean, yes, 5 or 6 are gonna die.

I feel like people die in every high school, so I may be making—

I didn't have anybody die.

Really?

No.

Wow.

We had a kid die when I was in elementary school. He built a fort in the back of the high school and it collapsed.

Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, how?

They were just— they, they built this underground fort.

And fort with what? Obviously not pillows, but with what?

Not a fort, but more like, I don't know, it was some sort of underground thing, like up against a hill, like a cave, like a house or something. It just collapsed on them.

Wow.

It was a long time ago.

There's one guy that died and the others made it.

The other two made it out. Yeah.

Wow. Have you been to your high school reunion yet?

I went my fifth year.

How was that?

Horrible.

Dude, I am looking forward to mine so much.

I know you are because everything's great for you. But mine was awful.

What happened? Wedgies?

Yeah, wedgies and a lot of antisemitism.

Wait, you're kidding me. Yeah, people that— people that hated you because you were Jewish?

Oh yeah, it was like super racist town.

Sure.

Awful. Me and the one black kid.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, you were genuinely— there was people that were dicks to you because you were Jewish?

Yeah, I mean, that was my nickname.

It was a wedge. Yeah, backwards.

Yeah, just— it was just very antisemitic.

Wow.

It was awful. But it just— it was just— it was just a lot of fights and stuff and a lot of knuckleheads. Just not my crowd.

But what was the reunion like? You came back and they're like, Jason, fuck, I am not doing shit.

It's like, what's up, dude? Heard you got an internship at Saturday Night Live. How the fuck did you get that? Like, shit like that, you know? Like, oh yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I just applied.

Oh, so you were doing well at the time?

You're not— you're not like funny at all. Like, there's like fucking 5 or 6 more guys that are way funnier than you in the high school. I don't understand why you are at Saturday Night Live. Really shit like that.

Wow.

Yeah, I felt that a little bit when I went back to your hometown. Not from your friends, but we were waiting in line at the bars. There was like, you know, people your age that recognized you, and then they were like, fucking YouTuber, like, fuck this guy. Oh sure, like shit like that.

Yeah, that's—

and then a lot of people would come up to me and they recognized me and they're like, so what, you just like do YouTube? And I was like, yeah, I just do YouTube. Like, I don't fucking know.

That's my fucking favorite. That's so interesting.

Yeah, it's interesting. I get it. They're working a job. And the other day I walked—

the other day I walked out of an In-N-Out and this woman goes— this woman goes, YouTubers aren't famous people. What the fuck are you saying? What are you saying?

It's kind of funny though. Like, what?

But what's the point of saying that?

Was she an older woman?

No, young.

She was young. Yeah, I mean, I get it. She's right in a way.

I mean, But Brandon made a good point. It's like, that makes no sense.

It doesn't make sense.

Famous— you can be— you can be— this is what Brandon said— you can be a famous leaf blower guy and you're famous.

Exactly.

Because you're the famous leaf blower guy.

What she meant to say was YouTubers aren't talented.

What she meant to say is YouTubers aren't movie stars or pop singers, right? I mean, it's just— and it's like a— like, I— this happened to us yesterday at the, at the wheat shop. A guy came up to me and he goes, are you famous?

Yeah.

And like, I was like, dude, I have no fucking idea how you want me to answer that. I literally said that. I'm like, how the fuck do you answer that question?

Yeah, do I—

do— yeah, I'm like, do I make YouTube videos? Yes. I like— I don't— like, it's such a weird question.

It's not— yeah, it's hard.

Yes, I'm famous. Nice to meet you.

You're good though. You always say— you just go, I do YouTube. Yeah, which is a good answer.

It's such a weird question. I hate that question. I hate that question. Because it— and we would go to parties at like UCLA or USC, and we'd be with like a group of people that would like latch on to us, and they're like, we're gonna get you into parties. And we'd show up at the door of like a frat party, and the frat guys would be like, nah, no, no guys, we can't let them in. And then the people we were with be like, but they're famous, they're famous, they're famous. And then the frat guys would be like, who the fuck cares?

Yeah, right. And every time, and you're like, I agree.

Yeah, and every time we'd go up to a party, these kids would be like, don't worry, I'm gonna tell them you're famous. I'll pay, I'll give them hundreds of dollars instead of fucking ridiculous. And it's just, it's never a good look.

No, it's never a good look.

The word famous is just like very—

it's gross.

It's— yeah, it's gross. Yeah, I've never heard anybody— I've never heard anybody use it in a way where I'm like, I dig it, you're a great person. Person. Like, even if like Brad Pitt was to be like, yeah, before I was famous, like, I just don't like that.

Sure.

Like, that's weird.

No, no one talks like that, you know what I mean?

It's like Michael Jordan going, before I was the greatest athlete of all time, I was eating hot dogs here.

Yeah. Like, it's just like, that's okay.

Okay.

Yeah, because he is the greatest athlete of all— one of the greatest athletes of all time.

But like, but it's still weird.

But saying famous is weird because Brad Pitt is, you know, undeniably famous.

He is. Yeah, but it's still weird for him to say it. It's like a thing that you don't like— I don't know.

But it's like, you can't back— you can back up being the greatest actor of all time. You could say that. Maybe you are.

Sure, I guess.

But being famous is not an accomplishment.

You're right. He's like Michael Jordan, statistically, like one of the greatest players of all time. Sure.

Okay, probably the greatest.

I guess that makes sense, right?

You're from Chicago, you should know that.

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to— I don't want to— I don't want to get into sports because I don't know anything about it.

I don't either.

Someone would be like, Derrick Rose is the best.

It's How long?

And they'll be like, Steven Spielberg has made so many more layups than Derrick Rose. And then they'll be like, Steven Spielberg is a director.

How many times have sports come up in your life and you just been like, oh God, I don't—

yeah, it was—

it was your friends that like sports. What do you mean?

Yes, your buds back home, all of them love sports. Can I just— before the podcast ends, can I address this? You're bleeding from your elbow.

Oh fuck.

And it's on the cloud and it's on my white couch.

Shut up.

It's right here. It's right here. Blood.

Oh no. Yeah, I'm bleeding from my elbow.

Yeah, guys, we gotta take a break because your body is just, it's just slowly decomposing and just that there's scabs that are just opening up by itself.

You know what, my, um, my mom had a very small fall and like her skin just came right off her body and I think that's what happened to me.

Yeah, you're— dude, you're, you're—

I just got blood on the cloud, dude. Yeah, explain to everybody what the cloud is.

The cloud is this $10,000 couch that I bought that I don't spend money on anything Don't, don't, Jason. Just—

I stopped.

I saw Jason's finger ready to—

we got to get something on the couch. We should end this podcast.

Yeah, we're going to add this podcast and Jason's going to just going to wipe up this blood and apologize.

You're going to—

you're going to write a paper. I want 300 words. No, we're not done with the—

that's not coming out. Really? No, it's blood.

Are you serious?

I don't think I can get that out.

You're a dick.

Why am I bleeding?

Because you're old.

Because my body's decomposing. Yeah, where's— I see, I thought I, I thought I was bleeding, but then I was like, nah, I'm not bleeding. I didn't cut myself. But I did feel like I was bleeding.

Yeah, it fucking blows.

But what did I cut myself on?

Honestly, probably your t-shirt.

Is it a small cut?

Yeah, it's very—

so you're saying someone younger like Zane wouldn't be bleeding all over your couch?

No.

Yeah, probably not.

Yeah. All right guys, well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Yes.

Yeah, I feel terrible.

Is there more blood?

It's just a Cheeto.

Also probably fell out of your pocket.

I don't have any Cheetos.

No, that's all the top. Dude, I've been— a fun fact about this entire podcast, I have been so lightheaded. I've had nothing to eat all day, and I am—

Natalie brought you a huge lunch. What are you talking about?

She didn't. She brought me a salad.

I saw like chicken teriyaki.

No, that's— that wasn't me. That was the other day. That was yesterday.

Today's Monday.

Yeah, that was yesterday. She brought that to me. Goddamn it.

What day is today? What year is it?

Our friendship is not nearly as strong as the guy that smells your farts. Well, maybe you should try to smell my farts. All right guys, go buy some tickets. Viewstour.com. Come see us.

Come. Next stop is Atlanta. Atlanta, July 20th.

We're going to Houston, San Jose, and we're gonna go to Chicago, Newark, and Newark. And we'll see you in Chicago. That's gonna be fun. Um, yeah, we'll see you guys later. This has been a Views podcast. I need, uh, 25 more seconds and it becomes 40 minutes long. And we're—

go check out David's merch.

Yeah, go check out my—

really wonderful.

Go check out Jason's merch. Yep, just go, go have a good time. Tell someone you love them. Tweet at us for podcast topics.

Thank you guys for coming to the shows. You know, we met so many cool kids. Yeah, this weekend, like, a lot of— we love— we know someone from Parkland who was at the shooting. Yeah, isn't that amazing? I mean, not amazing, but like, that like really touched me. And they were like like, they were like, you guys, I feel awful telling this story because really, I don't—

it's a really sad note.

No, but she was like, she was like, you know, she listens to your show and it like really helped her through it. I was like, oh my god, that's cool. I was like, I couldn't even— I couldn't believe she said that. I felt so bad for her.

We do meet a lot of you guys and you guys are like, you've genuinely helped us out with a lot.

Yeah, when you come to the meet and greet, we love the stories. We love hearing like, hey, I was like, I— this girl's like, I broke my back and I listened to the show and I recuperated, and David's voice made me stronger every day. Like, they literally say stuff like that, and I'm like, that's so sweet.

Um, no, but it's awesome. Thank you guys for listening. We'll see you guys later. Bye. My name is Jeff.