Pooped Pants in First Class

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, brought to you by Spotify. Ka-ching! Guys, yeah, what more do you want?

This will be a 13-second podcast and good fucking bye.

I got— I gotta go spend my money.

No, it's a stretch Hummer limo waiting for Jason and I, and we're headed to Kylee Jenner's house.

Um, no, let's just roll the intro and get into the vlog. Oh shit, the vlog, the podcast. Shit, just roll it, roll it, Bruce. What's up guys, we're here, it's the podcast, it's David and Jason. Jason just got back from vacation, he was in Boston for a long time avoiding work, avoiding the real world. But now he's back. Actually, did you know Brandon Urie wrote a new song today?

It's— is it called— what's it called, David?

It's called Dying in LA. I didn't know he wrote a song about you. Shit, I've been prepping that one since even before we started this podcast.

Pretty funny.

I actually texted him about it 8 months ago and I said, please title song this.

I know, though, the lyrics are all about me and everything. Fuck you, Jason. His fat stomach and his toe sore.

He's so angry.

I have something to say.

Goddamn it.

You are bottom of the barrel.

What did I do?

You are my least favorite person right now.

What did I do? You've been holding something in all day for the podcast?

Oh no, it just happened.

Oh shit.

David was getting his vlog up, trying to decide between a thumbnail between Howie Mandel and some girls he met dancing. I sat there with him, went back and forth for a good 35 minutes, helped him out like a bro does.

Did I not say thank you?

No, you didn't. I haven't heard you say thank you in probably 8 months. When have you ever said thank you?

Uh, when you let me use your phone for Postmates.

I let you use it twice today. You haven't said thank you either time, bro.

I can't just throw around thank yous. I'm saving them up for the end of the week. It's like, it's like, it's like payday. Everyone gets their thank yous at the end of Sunday.

On Sunday? You don't call me on Sundays.

That's my day off.

You are Bottom of the barrel.

Spit it out. What did I do?

And just because of this— okay, go. I am not going to Chicago. I am not going to Vernon Hills. I decided after this happened today.

What did I do?

I was considering surprising you in Vernon Hills.

Don't say that. I was, because you know how it makes me feel. All right, go.

He really wants me to go to Vernon Hills for his birthday.

That's my hometown.

But I can't leave because we're on tour all summer. Viewstore.com. And I— this is a weekend that I need to be with my children. Anytime I get to be with my children, I'm a great dad. Let me talk—

oh my God, literally, when you have kids, hangs out with his kids, but when it's something he doesn't want to do, all of a sudden his kids are his priority.

Never hangs out with— I was just with my kids for 17 days in Boston. I was with them every single minute.

I consider it a business trip.

And my porn star girlfriend. Okay, ex-girlfriend.

No, sorry.

Sorry, but let's take that back. We gotta edit that out. She's not a porn star.

You can say that.

No, I can't. That's not nice.

What?

Well, no, she's not a porn star.

Well, yeah, you're making that clear. She's not a porn star.

Not a porn star.

But that's just like, you know.

Yeah, that was like a word. Fuck, now I gotta do editing.

No, don't edit this out. Don't edit this out. Just, just take the bullet.

Ex-prostitute girlfriend is what I meant to say.

I know, I know. And that's the funny part, is that, is that that's what you were trying to say.

She's fine with that.

Okay, go.

As long as you speak the truth, she's fine.

Can you tell me why I'm the bottom of the barrel?

By the way, what? Heard back from my ex about doing the video with Trisha.

Oh yeah, Jason today came up to me and he goes, hey, I'm about to ask my ex-wife if she'll do a video with me and Trisha. And I mean, it's gotten pretty close to the point where she's, she's almost actually almost taken away the kids.

No. Okay, well, I mean, I take them off YouTube.

Well, yeah, that's pretty close.

Pretty much taking them away for Jason. What good are they? I mean, if they can't Daddy's jokes up.

But today, but today Jason wanted to, uh, to make a video exactly as I did it when I came home. I don't know how you did it.

You were like getting your video done. Natalie was standing over you wanting to go home.

Yeah, she's kind of sitting there and I think you go, I think I'm gonna ask my ex-wife to do a video with me and Trisha. And usually I don't pay attention to what Jason says and I just, I hit the spacebar, I stopped editing, I looked out, I looked up at him, I'm like, Are you out of your fucking mind? What a stupid, stupid thing. Jason. Jason. Prove. Jason proves to me that he's not all there week in and week out.

Well, your joke's on you, David, because she answered.

What'd she say?

No.

Oh, she said no.

Absolutely not.

That's what she said.

Yes, what she said. But I mean, she's actually been really nice about it.

She said absolutely not. Like, LOL. Or did she?

Yeah, yeah. Like, LOL.

Oh, she said, oh, yeah. No, she didn't.

She did.

Oh, really?

We were joking around.

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah. No, she was. She's been really nice about Tricia.

I'm glad she has a good sense of humor about it. It's kind of uplifting. Can you tell me why I'm the bottom of the barrel?

Okay, so I come home from vacation, but cut to the point. No, I don't want to. I'm gonna soak up a lot of time. This is my microphone. I come home from vacation, walk in the door, I'm like all excited to be there. You're not excited to see me at all. You look— I have the video. I come in the door, I'm like super excited. Scott gave me a big hug. You look so nonplussed.

I saw you 4 days ago.

I was a whole week.

Someone missed me.

I did miss you. Of course I did.

Someone has feelings for me.

Then, then immediately you start hitting me with wooden spoons, some prank, and I was just like, I am so over this. David's big idea in this vlog was to like do this spoon trick where he hits people over the head with wooden spoons.

Such an old trick. I'm surprised no one in our friend group has seen it.

I, I'm sure I saw it, but I forgot about it because I'm so old. So I was like, then I'm like, I'm over it. Then he sets up corn oil for me to like slip on.

And canola oil, canola oil, which could really fuck me up, but it didn't, unfortunately.

And the final straw, you put corn oil in front of my bedroom tonight and I slipped and fell. And there wasn't even a fucking camera there.

Really?

Yeah, what is fucking wrong with you?

Bullshit.

Why did you do that?

You actually fell?

I fell down. Why did you put fucking corn oil in front of my bedroom?

I told Natalie to sit there with the camera, but she must have gone out for lunch.

No, Natalie left like an hour before.

No, here's the thing. We did it because I was trying to do it to Jonah, but it didn't work on him either. This actually, you have to take this up with Natalie because I— Natalie, Um, I told Natalie to clean it up, right? She's my assistant. That's what she has to do. And she cleaned it up and I went back and I saw that it was still slippery. I'm like, Natalie, did you clean it up? And she goes, yes, I did. And I go, okay, can you come back? Cause you didn't. And then the second time I didn't even bother checking cause I'm like, who the hell would fuck this up twice? And I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put that in front of you.

I fucking fell and hurt my hip.

Yeah.

Like literally like an old person.

Seriously?

Yeah. It fucking hurt. You were on your way here because I was waiting for you to upload, and then you're like— and then you, you, you move so fast.

Oh, this just happened. Holy shit.

That's why Todd was live streaming, and he was like, don't, don't say anything bad. He goes like this, live streaming, because he heard me pissed off. That's like the new thing in the house. People are live streaming now, risking everyone's career at every moment.

He has to be Todd before— before Todd starts live streaming, he has to go to everybody in the house and go— and he puts his hand on everyone's shoulder and he goes, hey, I'm I'm gonna go live, okay? Don't say anything that you don't want people knowing. Yeah, and it's like, it's kind of fucked up that he has to tell everybody because what the fuck are we hiding? But, um, but yeah, I'm sorry, I told everyone your home address.

We should be here soon.

We hung out with Howie Mandel today.

We did. What a treat.

Great guy. Amazing guy.

You know what I liked about him? I've heard him interviewed a million times and he's exactly as he is. Exactly in person who he seems to be on TV and in interviews. Great guy.

He's always on.

Like, I didn't think—

yeah, in like a comfortable way.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, like, he's like in— like, he's into the conversation. He's not like trying to crack jokes all the time.

No.

But he's always like— like, he's always like— he's interested in what you're talking about. Yeah, he's a cool guy, which is awesome. Um, but I'm bringing that up because, um, my assistant was supposed to clean out the car beforehand.

Oh my God. And now the canola oil.

Because, um, because Howie is like really— he's, he's a germaphobe, I guess. He's like he really is, he doesn't shake people's hands because he doesn't like germs. And I mean, he won't touch a doorknob with his hand. It's like that. So I told Natalie, and I knew this, so I told Natalie, I'm like, clean the car out because Howie's gonna sit in there, we're gonna film something. And we get in the car and I mean, Howie, for the first, you were there, for the first 12 minutes just picks apart every single square inch of my car 'cause it looks disgusting.

It is dirty.

So yeah, so Natalie has, 2 things that I have to be upset at her for. About for breaking your back and not letting me record.

You didn't put it there on purpose?

I thought on purpose you just put a bunch of canola oil there just to be like, I'm getting him.

Holy shit.

And I look for the camera. I was looking around for like a GoPro. Now, was it a good fall? It hurt.

Yes, yes, I don't care. At least we got podcast material out of it.

Good. I'm not going to Vernon Hills.

You're a dick.

Yeah, that's right. I was I was walking in, I was checking the flights, and then I slipped.

Speaking of Vernon Hills. Yes, I have my hometown friends there. This is, this is a really interesting story. Okay. So my hometown friend Alex and Ilya— that— yeah, yeah. I think, I think this is really interesting.

Okay.

It blew my mind when he said it. Alex and Ilya, they live in my hometown, right? And Ilya was coming here to visit me for VidCon, and Alex, Alex wasn't answering his phone, and Ilya wanted to bring Alex with. But Alex wasn't picking up, so Ilya was like, fuck it, we don't have much time, we have to decide now. I'm just gonna go down to his work, find him, and I'm gonna— and, and I'm gonna get him to come to LA with me. So Ilya went down to the mall to get Alex, and he went to American Eagle because that's where Alex works. Couldn't find him there. And then— and he looked around the mall, maybe he was on his lunch break. Couldn't find him anywhere at the mall. Like, that's it, just couldn't find him. And Ilya was just like, after, after literally looking for like 25 minutes, Ilya said, fuck it, I'm done. He's not coming to Chicago. Whatever. Who cares? Or he's not coming to L.A. Who cares? And then, and then Ilya goes, Ilya's like, Ilya's getting coffee because he's going back to work. He goes into the Starbucks and guess who is working at Starbucks?

Alex.

It's his first day. No, working at Starbucks. How fucking random is that?

Wow.

And he is just like, what the fuck? And this isn't like the Starbucks in the mall. It's like a Starbucks, like 10 minutes in the nearby town.

Wow.

Like, it's like completely random. And he's working there. It's Alex's first day.

And Ilya was like, I've been fucking looking for you for the last 2 hours looking for you and you're in the Starbucks. Yeah.

And he's working at the fucking Starbucks. How crazy is that? That blows my mind.

They don't speak that much.

No, it's not that they don't speak that much. It's just like that. Like, that's like the life of living in a small town is if you're not working at American Eagle, you're working at Starbucks. Fucking mind-blowing. I heard that shit and I was like, I was like, what?

Like, pop up at something?

You should be on the news for this story.

So then I guess he couldn't go because he was working.

No, he could go, and then he surprised me at VidCon. Yeah, he was here. Alex was? Yeah, all my friends. Michael, Alex, and John. They all did VidCon? All 4 of them were at VidCon.

Did you get them passes and stuff?

Yeah.

Did they go to the parties?

Yeah, they went to all the parties and everything. Yeah.

Did they like it?

Yeah, they had a good time.

Did Ilya get recognized from the vlogs?

Ilya gets recognized like at home. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's really weird.

They have Ilya's best moments.

On YouTube.

On YouTube. Yeah. They have Natalie's best moments on YouTube.

I just saw that. My assistant's best moments on YouTube. I mean, that frustrates me. I'm gonna have the police take that down, or who's ever in charge of that.

The police, that's what the police need to be worrying about. Compilation video.

Natalie's best moments. Yeah, we have a friend named Jonah, and he bought— today he pissed me off so much.

I was hilarious.

I was calling him for like 3, 4 hours, and I was like, Jonah, come on, we got to film this bit with your— because he bought a new remote control car because I broke his other one. So I gave him a $400 check for a new one, and he put in some of his own money and bought a new $900 $1,000 like remote control car. And I'm like— and these cars go really fast, like they can break bones if they hit you, like they're really fast remote control cars. And, and he's 2 hours late to my house, and I'm like, we're gonna miss the sun, dude, where are you? Can you just like— I don't care, I don't care if you come late, but just tell me that you're coming late. So he finally got there at 7:30. He walked in the car, he walks into the house with his big-ass remote control car, and he goes, dude, I I forgot the remote control. And I'm like, what the fuck do you mean you forgot the remote control? I literally lost it. I'm like, Jonah, you forgot literally two-thirds of what you were supposed to bring. You were supposed to bring the remote control car. When the remote control is missing, all you brought is the car. And I couldn't— I lost my mind. I went out, I called Natalie just to, just to have someone to rant to. I was so, so mind blown. That he forgot the remote control to the car. I know it's a stupid—

what did Natalie say?

She's just like, what do you expect, he's a fucking idiot. And she rolled up the window because she was on the phone with her boyfriend. She didn't want to be bothered.

Jonah Ubered—

Jonah called an Uber for the remote control and then he Ubered it. He Ubered it to the house.

That Uber driver— so you're an Uber driver, you must get weird stuff like that all the time.

Yeah, 100%. I had, I had The other day I had caterpillars Ubered from San Diego. That's a $150 Uber ride, and it's just caterpillars.

Wow.

Crazy. Yeah, well, they got to me, and it was— we were all happy about it. But you know what else I'm really happy about? If you ever shower or brush your teeth or try to make your hair look presentable, which you can't relate to this, but maybe some viewers can, I've got good news for you. Dollar Shave Club has a lot of stuff to help you out. Here's the scoop. Dollar Shave Club delivers everything you need to look, feel, and smell your best. Dollar Shave Club has everything you need to get ready in the bathroom. Dollar Shave Club— yes, I feel like I've said it 50 times. This script is throwing me for a curveball. Yes, that Dollar Shave Club delivers everything you need to look, feel, and smell your best. You name it— shampoo, conditioner, body wash, toothpaste, hair gel, even a wipe that'll leave your tush feeling tingly clean.

David, I'm a big fan of of their amber and lavender calming body cleanser. Never smelled anything like it, I mean, other than Todd's, you know, natural scent, which is wonderful. But good luck finding a product that great at the store.

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I shaved with a dollar— with a Six Blade Executive, uh, it's amazing this morning.

Yeah, that's a dollar.

I literally had a 17-day beard and I took it all off with one Six Blade Executive.

Wow, so good.

It came right off.

You should start your own podcast about just your shaving endeavors. Call me.

I will call it a bad idea.

Jason Shaves.

Jason Shaves?

Yeah, I try to make it sound like M*A*S*H.

Oh, Jason Shaves.

Guys, that's dollarshaveclub.com.

Oh, speaking of starting your own podcast, can you—

that's dollarshaveclub.com/views. Oh good, thank you. Stop cutting me off.

No, I won't. It won't happen again.

Okay, do you have anything to talk about, Jason? Because I feel like I've been, I've been just yapping about all these stories I have.

You're, you're really good. I know you wanted to talk about Cardi B. And here's— I know you've been—

can I get to that now?

Yeah, yeah, I love Cardi B and her baby.

I just found out she has a sister named— she's a sister named Penelope. Is her baby named Kulture?

Yeah, that's what Natalie told me, with a K.

Oh, that's fucking dope.

You like that?

Yeah, Kulture.

I like that so much.

That's sick.

I mean, I guess it's cool.

These celebrities always come up with like the randomest names. You act like you couldn't come up with something like that, but they all come up with names like that are like— that should be names for like cars. Like Culture. No, I don't know, it's just—

well, what are you gonna call your baby?

Oh, Diablo. Boy or girl, I don't care, it's Diablo.

Culture Kiari. Oh, that's kind of cool actually.

Culture Kiari.

Culture Kiari Cephas. Cephas.

Oh my God, yeah, that sounds like a spell.

Culture Kiari Cephas.

Yeah, Culture. I feel like Cardi B would name her baby something that would help her rap, like in rhyme, you know what I mean?

She just did. Culture, culture, Kiari.

Can I put me a Ferrari stepping on you, hunting you down like a vulture? Got my baby in the pouch, call her culture.

Go, go.

Yeah, you know what, Cardi, you can have that one.

David, do some freestyle. You're good at it. Yeah, you really are.

I could step it up.

Come on, do something. We'll cut it if it's not good.

Okay, I don't cut it even if it sucks. I don't care. What do you want me to freestyle? Go.

Um, Todd, give him a suggestion.

Groceries. Uh, uh, uh, uh, picking up groceries at the local store, putting stuff in my bags. I want more, not paying the extra 10 cents because I'm a cheap whore. Don't have much money because I adore, adore the coupon life, putting it down. All right, forget it.

The coupon life, huh?

Rap about breakups.

Oh, breakup time.

Come on, man, why don't you put me— why are you putting me on the spot like that, dog? You know that tears start dribbling down my face when I talk about tough stuff like that. I talked to Liza the other day.

The coupon life.

The coupon life. I hung out with Liza the other day. I feel like I should keep people updated because, you know, yeah, yeah, do it. It's great, so much fun.

Why do you look like you're lying to yourself? No, I'm not. It was great, it was awesome, everything was perfect. We're totally happy. No, because it's actually better than we're not together.

No, because I, I didn't hang out with her for a week, okay, and I was like Oh my god, I haven't seen her a week, and I hung out with her and I'm like, holy shit, like I literally forgot, like, like I forgot like how awesome it was, and I just— that's why I sounded like a maniac. But no, it's great.

So you didn't see her for a week?

That's how long I'm seeing her tonight. If we could get this stupid shit over with, if we get this podcast over with.

You got another 21 minutes.

Really? Holy shit. Isn't that crazy?

We've done 2 ads already.

When you say— when you say we have 21 minutes left, there's people listening to this? What do they think to themselves? Like, 21 more minutes of listening? I don't know, that sounds fucking rough.

They must think these guys are idiots.

You know what's crazy is that we get 400,000 downloads a podcast. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. And I don't like to admit like good things. Sure, that's nuts. That's a lot.

It's nuts. It's only growing. Yeah, getting bigger and bigger.

Guys, thank you so much for listening to the podcast. Yeah, we have a tour. You guys come check us out on Come, I mean, at this point, might as well. Like, this is the best.

Yeah, we have a lot of fun. The Boston show is amazing.

Florida's next. So if you live anywhere in Florida— Florida, what do you mean? We're gonna do a whole new show? No, we're just gonna bring alligators on the stage.

Yeah, I think we should get— you didn't like my idea I texted you the other day.

What?

I texted you and Natalie an idea, and Natalie was like, I like that idea.

What was the idea?

We like roast each other on stage.

Oh yeah, we can do that, but I feel like we normally don't do that.

No, we should have like a proper roast.

I don't know.

Well, I jokes and stuff.

I was on a— I was on a flight the other day. Can I tell you this?

Tell me.

It's on a flight.

I was on— I have an airplane story too. Go.

Oh, you go first.

No, I just was leaving Boston and my mother is just so up my business. And she always— she does the same thing every time. She packs— she hides food in my carry-on and then I get pulled over because she does it like for you to eat.

Yeah, that is so fucking amazing.

She'll like sneak hummus in the fucking carry-on.

Will she give you crackers or pita bread?

Yeah. So I'm going through, like last time we were going through, and they pull me aside and they pull Wyatt and Charlie aside and they frisk Wyatt and Charlie, they frisk me, they touch my balls. There's like a whole thing. And the guy's like, there's something in here. And I was like, I don't know, I don't— I'm freaking out, you know, because I don't know what I do. I'm an insane person or something. Who knows what I fucking put in there? Now I'm thinking like, did someone Did someone give me a bomb and I didn't fucking remember it? Like, did I black out for a couple of minutes? You know what I mean? So I'm freaking out, and then sure enough, he pulls out some Tribe of Two Sheiks hummus, and he's like, roasted red pepper, in that Boston accent.

Ooh, roasted red pepper hummus. Shit. And so then that's why he took it out of there. He wanted it for himself. Roasted red pepper is the best. Yeah.

And so he's like, and he's all pissed at me. So then this time we're actually leaving, and I'm like, don't put anything in in there, and we're like making jokes on the way.

Yeah.

And Trisha's like laughing, like, don't make any jokes. I mean, I mean, don't put anything in there. She's like, do you want the grapes? Do you want the grapes? Take these grapes. I'm like, I don't want the grapes. Yeah, I don't want them. And sure fucking enough, I go through security, and you can just see the bag, and I see through the X-ray just beautiful green grapes, like the— like balls, you know, like little bulbous grapes. I'm like, fuck. And then you see the guy pull it aside And then you have to wait like 10 minutes. I was livid.

It's the same guy, he's still munching on your hummus.

I was so livid, I almost sent her a nasty text.

You almost sent your mom a nasty text for putting in grapes?

I was grumpy because I hadn't slept. But anyway, that's my airplane.

You think you are? I can buy you. I'm gonna take back that car I surprised you with, you crazy bitch, putting in grapes. What were you thinking?

Then I gave her the card, I was like like she didn't know how to turn it on because it's so new.

Oh, the brand new car that you gave her?

Yeah, it's got— it's, you know, where your Tesla setup where it's like drive, reverse. Even I fucking have trouble and you always yell at me. Sure, it's set up like that. Yeah, it's really computerized.

No, 100%.

Yeah, so that was kind of tricky, and I still haven't seen her drive it yet. I have a feeling it's just gonna sit there.

I was on an airplane and, and I was sitting JetBlue Mint, which is like the best first-class experience. I mean, I can go on all about it, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

And I hate— I hate people with babies. And not because of the baby cries, because I feel so bad for these people.

Sure.

Like, I guess hate's not the right word. I just— I genuinely just feel so fucking bad. Like, I want to go over to them when the baby's crying and be like, hey, listen, fucking let him cry all flight. I don't give a fuck. Like, I want to— I want to let them know that because I don't want them to feel awkward. I don't want their flight to be ruined because of their baby. And not only do they— not only do they have to take care of their baby, but now they have to like worry that other people are like worrying about their baby. You know what I mean?

Yeah, you're absorbing their worry.

Yeah, because if I'm ever in that situation, I have a kid on board, that's the last thing I want to worry about is after my baby's crying is other people. You know what I mean?

So you walk right up to the person with the baby before the flight begins and you go, hey, hey, just so you know, I let that baby cry as much as you fucking do.

Whatever you want. Yeah, no, but this was interesting. It was crying a lot. I thought it was hilarious. Even the guy next to me was laughing. Because it was like screams like out of hell. Like, I've never heard a baby do this. And then midway through the flight, I'm going up to use the bathroom and the baby's in first. The baby's in first, has its own seat, a car seat in its own first class flight. Yeah, I don't know. This is, this is rich. Yeah, it's like a Kim Kardashian baby.

But, um, that's rich homie Kwon right there.

Yeah, really. It's, it's culture. It's culture riding. Yeah. But, but yeah, culture, culture Chiari. So, so I'm going in line to go to the bathroom and, and I didn't notice, but the guy with the baby was in line too. And I'm like, oh, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, ahead of me. And he's like, okay, thank you. And, and his baby, his— as he's walking to the bathroom, his, his wife reaches up to him and goes, she's dripping, she's dripping. And I look all across the floor, first class, and just fucking shit all over, all over. And I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I've never seen anything like it. It's all over.

Just blue mint. It's all chocolate chip ice cream.

Yeah, it's all over the seat. I mean, it's no longer JetBlue mint, it's JetBlue diarrhea. And it's, it's all over the seat, all over the first like 2 rows. Luckily I'm in the window seat, so I'm not by the aisle, so it didn't, it didn't smell. It did. It smelled. Oh yeah, it smelled. Oh, I mean, it was like— I'm surprised they didn't emergency land that bitch because it was It was brutal. And I didn't go to the bathroom because, because I know that they had to take it there to change it.

Sure.

That's the worst thing about babies is, yeah, it's like when the, when the, when the shit of the baby is all the way up to its neck.

Oh, the worst.

That's the worst. That's when like, yeah, that's when I like, when I'm, when my parents, when I would watch my parents change my siblings' diapers, I would just be like, you sure we don't want to just toss them out and try again and just have a new one in 9 months? That, that's the scariest because cleaning that up is a Aren't you glad you have Toby now, though? Yeah. Well, now I'm glad that we—

that we—

that they didn't do that. Yeah, I'm glad they didn't do that. But it's— it is what it is. But flights are fun and I don't care if you have a baby.

My kids puked on people before. Where? Just on an airplane. When?

Just on our flight over.

Puked on some lady.

Have they really?

Yeah. When they were little, little, they've— they've had diarrhea all over the plane, too.

What did the— what did the lady say when they puked on her?

Super cool about it. Yeah, like, it's no problem.

I love you.

No worries. Some people are just so nice. Majority of people out there are very, very nice. Sure, it's the few bad apples who leave canola oil on the ground that ruin it for the rest of us.

I am confused though why people would be upset at people on airplanes.

Why would you be upset?

Yeah, like, that's like—

I've heard people— I've heard babies on airplanes and I've heard people lose their shit about them. I've heard a guy be like, quiet that baby up! Like that. Like, I I've literally heard that, and then the whole plane just yells at him. Really? Yeah, you got to be cool when you're in the plane.

The whole plane yells at him?

Yeah, I saw that once.

What is it? What are the other people on the plane do?

They just took him to town.

Like, what do they say? Twitter.

On Twitter? Yeah, they just said like, it's a baby, have some respect. Like, it's just a baby. We're in this together. Everyone's chiming in, young, old. You know, people love a chance to like get on the same team and gang up on someone. That's what that person's totally wrong.

That's so great.

Like vindication, you know. Hey, you ever watch Shades of Blue with Jennifer Lopez and Ray Liotta on Channel 4? Funny. On NBC.

Oh, sorry, my mom's favorite show. I spaced out.

No, I know, I was talking.

Do you know that every episode of Views is now available on Spotify? Every episode. Yes, the same app that has millions of songs now has thousands of podcasts on Spotify. You can listen to all your favorite shows and discover, discover new ones. Just not too many. We get jealous very easily. To subscribe to our show, search for Views, tap follow, and get every new episode delivered to you. Podcasts on Spotify, they're streaming right now. And now, and now. That's amazing. Thank you Spotify for coming on, and Dollar Shave Club. We love it. I mean, this is amazing.

Those are two brands that I can get behind. Yeah, I, I use Spotify every day. I use Dollar Shave every three days, sometimes at the same time. I use Dollar Shave every day too now that they have the other stuff. Yeah, just the razors.

Well, they had the One Wipe Charlies. Mm-hmm. You know, those are the best.

David eats a lot.

I eat a lot of those One Wipe Charlies too.

You do? Yeah, down some little napkins. He's always got little napkins.

Can I say something? 5 days ago I went on a streak, 9 days in a row at Chipotle.

How did that turn out? Sounds like supersize me.

All my toilets are broken. Really? No, no, I don't— I don't like— I don't get the whole like Chipotle shit thing. Like, that doesn't—

it doesn't affect you?

No, because I'm just like—

it's— some people are fine with it.

It's my normal meal now. Like, my body runs on Chipotle. Really? And yeah, I'm not even— am I enjoying Chipotle? No, no, it's just fuel at this point. I'm literally just—

are you still doing like one meal a day?

No, I'll do two. I'm doing two today. Breakfast? No, I'd never eat breakfast.

Never?

Hate breakfast.

You don't like eggs?

You know what I've been doing recently is I eat—

I have a meal.

Yeah, like in the middle of the day, which is Chipotle. And then at night I'll come around, it'll be 2 AM, and I'll have 5 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. At 2 AM? That's when I really— yeah, Natalie, my assistant, the other day went into my pantry, was like, where the fuck's the bread? And I'm like, well, I destroyed it.

And then would you go right to bed?

Yeah, that's, that's what I do.

It's nice to go to bed on a full stomach.

It's the best. I know you love doing that, you little, little tubby custard.

I, I've, I've lost some weight 2 pounds. Come on. Yeah, I lost 2.

Listen, we can find other ways to make this podcast interesting. You don't need to lie.

Okay, it was actually 1.

No, but that is amazing. Have you lost 2 pounds? Wait, that's nothing to even say amazing on. That's just— you haven't eaten in 3 hours.

Yeah, I've been trying not to eat. I've been literally starving myself for the last 3 days.

Why? What's the point?

Because I move better.

I've been over this with you.

You don't get it. Just listen to me for once. I don't feel good. It's because of all the sugar and the carbohydrates, so I have to cut it out. Really? Yeah. So when you and Brandon are like, let's go to In-N-Out Burger—

that's crazy to me because I like— if, if like Olive Garden or Wingstop or some shit didn't make me feel good, I'd stop fucking eating it. The only reason I don't want to eat it is because I know sometimes eating a bunch of like going to eat out all the time isn't healthy. That's the only reason I stopped eating that, because it If it doesn't make you feel good, don't eat it. Why is that so hard to give up?

Because you guys drag me to In-N-Out Burger. So I'm there, and obviously I want to—

you're—

I'm gonna sit and watch you eat.

Yesterday we were at In-N-Out Burger, and I think Jason had the cravings for it, so he called himself an Uber to go home instead. I was tired.

Yeah, from, from the flight.

Yeah, tired of being our friend and hanging out with us. And then when you left, we ran into a bunch of girls that had a really cool dance group.

I was a little bummed I missed that. Yeah, I saw it in your video. I was like, man, that was right after I left.

It was literally like—

right, the good time started once I was gone.

No, but I mean, literally, it's whatever. I'm not— I'm not too— I'm not too upset by it. Jonah— Jonah got— our friend Jonah got free a pair of Beats at VidCon. They were just handing out headphones, and his sister's always been wanting Beats, and he gave them to her. And like she texted him. I was reading the text and I was like, oh my god, why did you do this? How did you do this? And he responds, I bought them. And these texts I didn't see till later because this is how I found out that this is what happened. I came in, I came into the house and I'm like, I saw, I saw his sister's beats and I'm like, oh cool, I just got these beats too. Jonah got them for free at VidCon. And she goes, what? And Jonah's like, David, shut the fuck up. I'm like, I'm like, wait, He didn't tell you that these are free? And she's like, no, he told me he fucking bought them. And Jonah's like, no, no, I didn't. I told you I got them for free. I told you kind of for free. And then I went through the messages and it's literally just one text by itself that goes, I bought them. So, so I busted Jonah. I busted Jonah in buying his sister basically fake beats.

Wonder what the rationale is there. You want to make it look like—

yeah, you want to make it look like— because she— because at the end of the day, she did want the beats. And he didn't want to seem like he just stumbled across them, right? You know, that he actually got them.

It's like an ego thing, I think.

It's not even an ego thing. It's a nicer thing to— it feels better to, I think, both people. I don't know.

Hey, you got any dreams I can analyze? I love analyzing dreams. Analyze my, um, my girlfriend's dream the other day, and it went really well. I think I'm getting really good at it.

So she wanted to stab me in the dream, so I analyzed it as she loves me very much. No, what is it?

Tell me a dream.

I don't have any dreams. You don't dream? No, I— when I— when I—

Todd, you got any dreams?

When I sleep, it's just my body in like a pit of black, and I'm just looking around. Todd has weird dreams. He said— Todd's sitting next to us, by the way. Todd, say it quick. Go. What is it? Sometimes he'll see spirits and health, and he'll think something's there in his closet. Those are the dreams he's having.

Are you awake when you see—

you wake up, he's like in sleep paralysis. And then last night he had a crazy dream. Oh, it was about a stupid video game. I'm not analyzing this shit. How do you analyze that, Jason?

Playing too many video games. I'm trying to analyze that. So tell me what he saw.

So basically he was in sleep paralysis and he saw spirits in his closet. Yes, like a figure.

Okay, so a figure in his closet.

Fucking terrifying, dude. To hell with that.

And then he dreamt about PUBG. Yeah. Okay, I got it. It's so clear.

What is it?

I mean, it's so simple. Todd, go ahead.

Not necessarily PUBG. It was like PUBG. He was being chased.

It's so clear.

What is it?

Okay, he— the spirit represents what Todd can't do. Right now, what Todd wants to do—

come out of the closet—

no, which is acting, right? But what Todd is doing is live streaming on Twitch. The spirit in the closet is like the thing, like, I— the thing that he like wants to do that he's scared to do. And PUBG is what he's doing, which is like okay, but he really wants to be an actor. Boom, analyzed.

How did you be— how did you— how did you decide How did you decide that the spirit wants to be an actor?

The spirit doesn't want to be an actor. The spirit is the fucking death staring in Todd's face that Todd has to face. This monster spirit that could kill him, and he's got to be brave enough.

Did you just pop a pill while we've been on the phone?

Popped a boner looking at those deep blue eyes.

I don't have blue eyes.

Sorry.

Yeah, Jason, I think you're definitely on something, but I appreciate— I appreciate you analyzing.

Oh, fine, whatever. You like my dream analysis?

I'm gonna— before I go, I do want to say this.

This. I've—

you know what I've been watching on YouTube lately?

What?

Um, death penalty, death row videos.

People getting electrocuted?

No, like people about to be put on death row. Like the people that are on death row and like, like they're like their final— their final days. Sure. Final meal. Sure. It's so interesting.

Lockup, like MSNBC?

No, I, I don't know. I don't know who makes the videos, but it's just like, it's so crazy that these people have been like— obviously they're shit people because they've done really bad things, but they've been decided that they cannot live on this earth anymore because they are danger to everyone. So humans have decided to take their lives away. Isn't that crazy to think about?

So you're against the death penalty?

No, I'm not, but I just think it's so insane that like a group of humans have decided to take their life away. Now, I shouldn't say I'm against it.

What's in the video that you watch? Is it, is it like, tell us about what it's like, you're gonna die in 2 days, how do you feel? Is that what it is?

Yeah, it's like people being interviewed about like the death penalty. Yeah, most of them say they like accepted it and they, you know, it's not so much interviews, it's, it's, it's a lot of like the, like the, the wardens like walking us through. This is where he will sleep for the last time. Yeah. And for 6 hours he will be here. He will— they will give him an anesthetic.

It's like crazy. Last meal will be fried chicken and, and a lot of times Chinese food.

They don't get to choose their last meal. Oh, they don't? No. I always thought that they can pick it from wherever they want, but it must be different at other places, you know what I mean?

I thought, I thought you could pick it. I thought that was like the big thing about being killed.

I don't know, maybe that last meal. I don't really know too much about death row, but, um, but I actually had a conversation about the death penalty with someone the other day, and I was— I always, I always argued that, like, I'm like, if someone's like so— like, like, people argue the, um, that they're mentally ill, so they'll get out of the death penalty, right? But like, I never understood that because I'm like, sure, anybody that kills anybody is mentally ill. Like, you shouldn't kill anybody. That just makes you mentally ill. Like, why are you killing people? Um, but then there was an argument that she brought up, and she's like, because there's some people that are so mentally ill that genuinely don't want to hurt anybody but will be talked into it by other people, right? So they'll be manipulated by other people because they can't— like, they shouldn't be. It's like, it's like a weird way. It's like, it's like if I— if you're just like completely mentally ill, you're not yourself, you know what I mean? You're not yourself, and I talk you into going to murder people, it shouldn't be put on you when you're— I don't know. Yeah, I kind of saw it that way anyway.

Like a Charles Manson kind of thing?

Yeah, in a way. I don't know, it's, it's super blurry. I don't want to get into those punily because I know the last time we talked about it—

well, that was like in Making a Murderer, we didn't talk for 8 months. That was like in Making a Murderer, the, the, um, the little nephew, they, they tried him but they really blamed the uncle. Did you ever watch Making a Murderer?

No, but yeah, they blamed the uncle because he was like the one that like inspired it.

Like, did it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get it. It's, it's a confusing situation. But I mean, guys, that's really all the time we have for the podcast.

Um, come see us in Fort Lauderdale Saturday night.

Yeah, go see us in Florida. If you're in Florida, just show up. It's so cool because like, if I was listening to this podcast every week and I was in Florida, I would just do it because, because we— it's literally like hanging out with us.

Okay, now let me pitch the show. Okay, the show's really fun. We get there at like 1:00. First of all, we fly in on Friday. We're gonna hang out Friday night. You're gonna go to Panama City or wherever, whatever you do. They go to the bars, get some alligators. David will film. Yeah, Heath and Zane will drink a lot, hopefully. Then we wake up Saturday morning, we'll be rested, get a little breakfast. 1 o'clock, we'll go to the— go to the Broward Center. That's what we're playing, the Broward Center. And then we usually take about 6 hours to format the show and rehearse and do everything and figure out what we're gonna have in the show, which is really fun. The show was really funny last time, and we'll have a good time.

Just come, whatever. Tickets on sale, viewstour.com. Guys, that's Jason Nash. Go check out his merch. I'm rambling now because I have an extra minute, but the podcast is genuinely over. There's really not much more to say. Jason, give us a fun fact that only people— oh, I'll give you a fun fact. Okay, get ready for this. You're about to get— everybody, I'm so glad you guys stuck around this far. Yeah, every—

have to go to the doctor about my hip.

Yeah, that's okay.

Every odd— it's not okay, I'm gonna sue you.

Every odd number has the letter E in it.

Every odd number.

9.

Yeah. Hmm.

7.

Yeah.

5.

Yeah.

3.

Yes.

1. Ain't that crazy? Every odd number.

Hang on. Yeah. 29. Yes. Hold on a second.

35. I mean, no, you're right. Realistically, you only have to check the first couple.

147. You don't know.

You're right.

You've heard— hang on, Dave.

Make sure you're right.

107,000. Where did you learn— where did you learn this?

I, I was— I, I had all the numbers written out. And I was trying to find out differences. I, I'm kidding, I read it online. I didn't figure it out myself.

All right guys, it's been a long week without Liza.

This has been a Views podcast. My name is Jeff. Go buy some merch, go check out our YouTube videos. Um, anything else to add, Jason?

Yeah, just, just keep, keep being you guys, and thank you guys, you're the best.

We'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff. Bye.