Living the American Dream

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. I'm David Dobrik and this is my show. Okay, and Jason Nash is here.

What's up guys, how are you?

Quick recap, Jason's 44 and I'm 20, and that's all you gotta know. Actually, when we started this, Jason was 43.

Yeah, I had a birthday.

So it proves that Jason is aging twice as fast as all of us. Um, but we have some good news, um, other than our—

he's here.

That's We don't joke about that.

We just did. Stop. You're too busy to cut it out, so I've got you.

We have some good news today. We actually— we're gonna make money on this podcast.

I can't believe it.

We have an ad that we're about to read to you.

I'll make 30% of this money.

And it's a 60-second spot, so we have to talk about this ad for 60 seconds. Jason's gonna start it off. Bear with us here, guys. This is gonna help Jason's kids. Go to Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow and get more than 3 coins.

Yeah, this is my first ad I've ever read.

I've never read an ad either.

Live read.

This is it. Okay, here we go. Our first ad and action. Hit it, Jason.

ZipRecruiter guys, are you hiring? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates?

Well, with ZipRecruiter, you can post your job to 100+—

You know what, David? You're a boss.

What?

You're a boss. You might want to hire. You might, you know, maybe David, you're looking to hire new vlog people.

Can we skip? Stick to the script.

Yeah, you know, it says to, to, to vamp a little bit here.

Those are intro options. It says you can vamp or you can do what you already read.

I kind of like just, you know, maybe I thought we'd do a little bit where I'm like, Jason, listen, they're paying for 60 seconds.

Can we not give them 10 minutes?

You're a boss, David. Okay, come on, go with me.

Let me continue. With ZipRecruiter, you can post your job to 100+ job sites with just one click. Then their powerful technology efficiency matches the right people to your job. Better than anyone else.

Yeah, that's why ZipRecruiter's different, guys. Unlike other job sites, ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you, it finds them. In fact, over 80% of the jobs posted on ZipRecruiter get a qualified candidate in 24 hours. Wow.

No juggling emails or calls to your office. Simply screen, rate, and manage candidates all in one place with ZipRecruiter's easy-to-use dashboard.

Yeah, maybe, um, you're looking for some improv classes. Maybe you're, you're hiring some improv teachers so David could learn how to improv.

Okay, just read the damn script. Find out why ZipRecruiter has been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results.

Yeah, and right now our listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free. Just go to ziprecruiter.com/nash.

Let me just say, the script said, and right now my listeners— I don't know how you got this deal, but it says ZipRecruiter/nash. Why doesn't it say zip—

I said our listeners.

I know, but why doesn't it say ZipRecruiter slash Nash and Dobrik.

I don't know why they did that. Maybe they don't like you. I don't know.

Um, guys, try to go on ziprecruiter.com/dobrik and see what happens. But, but if you want, if you want to actually get the good deal, you can go to work.

If you want it to work, I understand David's a more important person here, but if you would like the link to work, again, it's ziprecruiter.com/nash. One more time, I totally set all this up. No, I didn't at all. One more time, guys, at ziprecruiter.com/nash. David, what is it?

What do you mean, what is it?

He won't say it. You won't say it. You won't say it. It's killing you that it says Nash.

I think that's it. I think we just gave them 4 minutes instead of 60 seconds.

Oh, well, good. They're a good company. They came to us. That's really sweet. I love it.

Thank you, ZipRecruiter, for being our first ad. This is incredible.

Let's start the show.

Yeah, or more like end the show because that was so long. And that's all we have. Thanks, ZipRecruiter, for sponsoring everything.

Here comes the intro music. You hear it? That intro music that they picked for us?

Yeah, they picked some pretty bougie intro music. I'm using bougie in the wrong word, in the wrong way. Got a phone call. It's Liza once again. I don't know how she keeps butting into everything I do on social media. Weird. Liza, you're on our podcast once again. I don't know how you call at the wrong time.

Stop trying to get on our podcast, Liza. Baby, just have me on as a guest already.

Come on. Guys, if you don't know, Liza's my girlfriend.

How would they not know that? You're talking about other women on there and they're confused about it?

Okay, I'm gonna hang up now, okay?

Well, no, no, get something from her. What's her name? What's her name? Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Relationship issues. Yeah, Liza, go ahead, say something to the podcast. We actually just had our first ad and we just read it.

Are you kidding me?

No.

So we're going to dinner tonight and you're paying?

Yeah, well, Jason's paying with his 30%. Okay, bye. Um, okay, cool. Let's get back to business.

Yeah, welcome to the show. Thanks for watching. Uh, thanks for listening, everybody. We're number one in comedy again. I can't believe it. It's all due to David, which is fine. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be along for the ride.

Jason is still sticking to the script. It's the second part of the show. Make sure you say I actually want to say something. I actually want to talk about something that just happened. Like, I was supposed to come here at 12 to record.

Yeah.

But around 11 AM, I started taking another nap. Oh, yeah. And I was like fidgeting around, and I was like about to wake up. And I was like, dude, I got to get up. I got to get up to film. And then like an hour in, I was like, I started dreaming that I was filming. This is completely real. And I was filming with Dom, and then I got up and I'm like, okay, cool. I got filming done with Dom. I'm going to get some filming done with Jason tonight, and then maybe Josh will come over. Big Nick's going to come over. And I thought I already had filming done with Dom. And then I came, I went to the bathroom and I'm sitting on the toilet, and then I'm like, oh my God, I never filmed with Dom. And this was the second time in the past 3 days I've dreamed about filming, and it was so real.

Maybe you're in a parallel universe somewhere else. There's two of you. There's two of you. The bad version that's not doing well, that messes everything up.

Maybe.

Or it went well in the dream too. No, it was fire.

No, it went well. Like I filmed and it was like a good skit I filmed with Dom and I'm like, okay, this is great. I don't have to film with Dom tonight. And then like, and then I realized I'm like, wait, I didn't film. And then I don't know.

You sleep so well. I'm so jealous of you because I don't sleep well because I have apnea.

I can fall asleep everywhere.

I love it. Like sometimes you'll crash on the couch.

You have apnea? Are those the names of your kids?

Yes, Sleep and Apnea. Those are the names of my kids.

That's why Jason can't actually sleep.

But like, I love good sleep. Like, I love—

I can fall asleep anywhere and everywhere.

Dave naps with a smile on his face.

You say that, but I don't know what you mean.

You nap with us because you'll crash out on the couch here while I'm working after you post or whatever. Yeah, Dave works really hard and he's on YouTube and he has a really successful YouTube channel and he works really, really hard. Like, you have no idea how hard this kid works.

And then you always say this. You talk about me as if I'm the president. I I really appreciate it.

You work really hard. Like, you're a dipshit. I mean, you're a douche.

Oh, okay. I thought you were gonna fix yourself and say something nice.

No, no.

You're a dipshit. I mean, you're a really good kid.

I changed it from dipshit to douche. But you work super hard, and when he crashes, it's like—

Yeah, when I fall asleep, I see a couch. If I lay down on it for more than 7 minutes, I'm asleep. I was just hungry just before we started this podcast, and I looked into Jason's fridge, and I wanted to eat the turkey. But I heard that if you eat turkey, it puts you to sleep.

Yeah.

So I didn't eat the turkey.

Yeah, he doesn't eat because he's afraid it's gonna take away from the vlog. That's how committed he is to David's vlog.

I don't like eating because I know I get a 30-minute energy boost and then I crash, and I cannot crash in the middle of the day. It's very dangerous. It's like suicide.

People think you're nuts, you know. All of us.

I think we all think we're nuts. I mean, look—

You're a certain kind of nuts. Like, you booked the flight to my— Dave and I are going to Miami for a brand deal and If you guys don't know what brand deals are, they're like their jobs. Get into 2017. No, but David, we're going for a really, really great opportunity and so much fun. It's a concert and we're supposed to be there Friday and Saturday.

And we get paid. That's what a brand deal is. It's like how social media people get paid, right? So we're getting paid X amount of money. So like, let me give you an example. Jason's getting paid. If he was getting paid $10, I would be getting paid $100.

Pretty much. I don't know about that. Huh? Yeah, you'd be getting paid $50.

No, I know our actual rates.

Oh, you do? Yeah. Why do you know my rate and I don't know your rate?

No, I'm kidding.

But why do you know my rate? Because I know you do. I know, like, you and Jack, we have the same manager, and I know Jack's, like, telling you. There's, there's, like, stuff going on behind the scenes, and I'm not upset about it because I know you're, you're looking out for my best interest. I do believe that.

Yeah.

But it is weird to me that you're like, I know what Jason's getting. And I know what time he's flying, and I know what— anyways, David books. So check it out, we gotta be there on Saturday, super fun. Backstreet Boys are playing, like, whatever. And we have to work at 10 AM starting Saturday, and, and all we have to do is really, like, post our Instagram. Maybe David will post a cute picture with that people fucking smile he has.

People listening to this and you saying work and post on Instagram are probably like, fuck these guys, fuck these guys, for sure.

We're very, very, very lucky that we— and we don't know how long it'll last. But that's what we're doing.

And I mean, Jason's been making it last for quite a while. He started on Vine like, what, 4 years ago?

Yeah, I've already got my eye on a 13-year-old kid coming up right now that I'm going to jump to by the time you're 27.

Jason likes latching on to 20-year-olds.

Yeah.

And mooching off of their followers, which I love, because if I was in Jason's shoes, I would do it.

But I try to hold up my end over here.

No, no, Jason, you 100% do.

I'm there when you need me. No, you're not. Fucking call me. 2 in the morning to do Carmelita with Liza in the car.

Jason's the best 43-year-old you can have as an assistant for filming.

Anyways, David books this flight at 9:30 on Friday night. We get to Miami at 5 in the morning, and you've done this before, we have no hotel till 3 o'clock. So he wants us to like hang out in the hallway. And, and mind you, David has money. David could Like, he could afford a hotel Friday night. I could afford— I would get a hotel Friday night. I would pay for it just so I could, like, sleep. But you're just so crazy because he wants— you're— he's crazy about his vlog, the Friday vlog that he needs to post. He's afraid he won't have enough footage, so we're leaving at 9 AM— 9 PM, and we're going to be cutting it close.

Yeah, but the good part is we can sleep on the flight, and then we get there and we're ready to go, and we don't waste any time.

And then we leave on Sunday at 7 AM.

Because we couldn't leave at a red-eye on Saturday because there weren't any.

So you would have just gotten out of Miami at 10?

I mean, my whole thing is like, I hate the— like, flights take up so much time.

Yeah.

And like, yeah, like if you're— if it's an overnight flight and you book first class— yeah, like, you know how much I love first class.

Oh, you love it.

Then you can sleep. You can sleep overnight.

And you can't film on an airplane because it's loud.

Yeah, you can't— you can't film on an airplane for multiple reasons. They just hate it. Great.

Um, but, but, but like, you, you have this great life and like you could like hang out, might maybe get dinner in Miami and just, you know.

I know, but I'm posting on Friday. This is such a tough conversation. Anyway, Jason and I went back to my home.

I think it's a great conversation.

About what?

I think people would find this very interesting, the way you operate.

What do you mean? What's interesting about it?

You operate Like 99.9% of the rest of the world does not operate like that.

Well, because not a lot of people have vlogs to keep up with.

I don't think Kanye West operates like that. I think Kanye West, I think Kanye West goes and gets himself a nice dinner in Miami. He goes to the club, he orders some alcohol, and he enjoys himself once in a while.

Kanye West is in a completely different position than me. I can't, like, he's in a position where, and I'm not taking away from how hard Kanye works, because I'm assuming he works 30 times harder than I am. But if your argument is correct, then I would just assume it's because he's established himself. He's a household name. He can do whatever he wants whenever he wants because his company is running itself. I am basically a startup of a company, and I have to work a little bit harder than people that are already sitting at the top. And that's just how life works.

Fair enough. And you know what? I get to go to Wyatt's graduation because you've decided to be such a maniac. So it works out.

Oh, you get to go to the graduation because we're booking our flights later?

Yeah.

Oh my God, it's the landlord.

It's the landlord. I knew he was going to come.

Why is he here?

The sink stopped up.

We're filming a podcast and the landlord just rang the doorbell. What do we do?

I don't know. It was going so well too. We had such a good rhythm going.

Do we answer the door?

I feel like this is my fault. Yes. You know what? I shouldn't even— it is my fault. But I tried. You were supposed to be here 2 hours ago.

He's still at the door.

Oh yeah. All right, do you want to vamp or should we just stop, shut down for a minute?

We can shut—

can you get—

he's knocking on the door really loud. Go, go, yeah.

Should I keep going or stop recording?

I'm gonna vamp. Okay, okay, Jason's going to get the landlord. He's knocking on the door like crazy. I don't know what to talk about. Um, yeah, I'm just gonna end it right here. Jason, cut. Okay, this may be a little bit confusing for you people, but we just took a 20-minute break in between what you just heard. Yeah, and, uh, Jason basically scheduled tea party. That's how long it took.

You were 2 hours late.

Me? Yeah, I was vlogging in my dream.

Sorry, you're right.

All right, I don't know what we were talking about, but we have a little whiteboard of ideas to hit if you want to talk about. So let's talk about our Chicago trip.

Oh man, yeah, it was awesome.

Jason came home with me to my hometown of Vernon Hills, Illinois, which is a small city, small suburb in Illinois. It's like 40 minutes out of Chicago, and usually no one ever wants to go to it, even the people that live there. Don't want to go back to it.

Yeah, that was a theme. People were like, you know, people don't get out of here, people, people get stuck here. Yeah, I kept hearing that all week.

But that's like the theme in a lot of small towns where people are like, man, you got to get out of here. And then once you move to LA, they're like, you made it out of the hills, dog.

Meanwhile, it's like all white and pretty nice, and they have everything you'd ever want.

Yeah, it's like the most privileged area in all the country.

Beautiful high school.

Yeah, no, it's amazing. But it's so great because Jason Jason, I pay for Jason's ticket, so he always comes with me, and it's the best, 'cause I don't know who in their right mind would wanna come with, but Jason's like, "Okay." I go to vlog.

You know, guys, I have my own vlog channel as well. It's not as big as David's, but it's a little more personal.

It's great, we like it. I really appreciate it. It's a really nice change of pace.

Oh, thanks.

I'm just saying that 'cause I don't wanna seem like a douche.

Compliment from me. Yeah, 'cause Liza just texted David and told him to be nicer. While the plumber was fixing, while the landlord was fixing, he got these like, I got these texts, 5 voice messages from Liza calling him.

She's like, be nicer to Jason. I'm like, okay. Cut to me 10 seconds later, Jason, I love your videos.

Oh, which ones? Which ones in particular?

Let me text Liza. Liza's like— I text Liza, Liza, which, which videos do I like? She goes, I haven't fucking seen them.

It's surprising Liza said be nicer to Jason. She didn't say that. She said you need to be more personable.

Yeah, more personable.

Yeah.

Which I think she wants us to talk about when she's on the podcast because we're going to have my girlfriend on the podcast soon. So let's get ready for that. And people freak out when I refer to her as my girlfriend instead of Liza. I get a bunch of tweets and they're like, what do you mean? No shit, she's your girlfriend. But I'm like, guys, when I refer to Liza as my girlfriend, I'm doing it for the people that don't know Liza is my girlfriend because we're in this podcast space and I don't know I don't know who's listening.

Yeah, David's very concerned that we've— we're getting like a new audience that doesn't know who we are. So if we slow down and like explain things, those of you who know us, we're explaining it to the people that are new to listening to us. Yeah, Dave's very big on that, that he feels that I can't just start talking about Zane, our friend.

See, no one's going to know who Zane is. There's going to be like literally 80, 95% of the people are going to know, but I don't want the 5% of people to be confused.

I'm more worried about the 95%.

Why?

Than the 5%.

You're right, but I mean, I feel like we're expanding our audience, so we should cater to everyone.

Yeah, dude, we're gonna take over the world.

What's wrong with you? Yeah, we're gonna take over the world.

I'm just being positive today. I feel good today. I worked out. Those wings last night though.

Oh, Jason was working out today and I called him. I FaceTimed him. He's shirtless and he's sitting in the sauna and I go, hey Jason, you masturbating? And boom, he hangs up right away.

I was in— it wasn't the sauna. I was in the locker room with a bunch of old dudes.

He was in the locker room shirtless.

And when I say old dudes, not like my age. I mean like 80.

Wow.

I'm the youngest.

So younger.

Yeah.

Okay.

And they were nude and I picked up— because David FaceTimes, which I've grown to love.

Yeah, I FaceTime more than I call.

Yeah, which I've grown to love. You really can connect with David on a FaceTime and other people. So, but—

And picking up a FaceTime in a men's locker room should be very illegal. Yeah, yeah, she's like, oh, my boss.

That's exactly what happened. I was like, oh shit, he wants to call me. He's like, if I don't— this is my inner—

you like throw on a shirt, I'm not working out, I'm ready to go. Hello?

It's my inner monologue. He's like, oh shit, he's calling me, and then if I don't pick up, I'm just gonna— he's gonna start fucking yelling at me the next time I talk to him. So then I picked up. I actually— this is honestly what happened. Yeah, it rang, I picked up I hit decline before I even said anything to you because I was in the locker room. It didn't work. And now I'm talking to you, and then you're like— the first thing out of David's mouth is, are you masturbating? Because I did have my shirt off and my hair was slicked back because I always slick my hair back before I jerk off. And, uh, and then it— and then it cut out. I don't know if, you know, whatever.

I should have— I should have said something like, why don't you flip the camera back on your face just to really fuck with people there? Jason, I don't want to see that guy changing.

You already caught me masturbating once.

I did catch Jason masturbating. I don't know, have we talked about that? I'm not sure. Let me just recap real quick. I was in Jason's house because I have a key to his place, just because, you know, I'm that person. So I have a key to his place and I was sitting on his couch and Jason's in his room and he has no idea that I'm in his house. So I FaceTime him like, Jason, where are you? And he's like, I'm in my room just relaxing. And I didn't think he was masturbating or anything, but I was just like, I'm gonna go scare him. So I keep the FaceTime going and I'm talking to him like really casually and I kick the door in and I'm like, wow. And Jason's like, what are you doing, David? I'm relaxing. Can't you see I'm relaxing? I'm like, who gets this angry about relaxing? And that's when I knew that I caught him masturbating.

And then we didn't talk about it for like a day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. And then, and then I'm like, and I'm like, oh, okay, you're relaxing. So I'll just go wait in the living room. And she's like, okay, cool. I'll see you in a bit. And then Jason walks out of his bedroom into the living room and he's like, Oh, dude, I was relaxing. And I'm like, I get it, I get it. And then I don't know if I said relaxing that much. Yes, you did. You said it a lot. And then he gets out into the living room and then we just sit there and we're like, so what do we want to do? And we don't talk about it till the next day. I pull out my vlog camera and I go, you know, I want to talk about— this is in front of everyone. And I'm like, I want to talk about something, but I don't know if I can. And Jason immediately goes, I know what it is. Please don't talk about it. We both knew that. That I caught him masturbating. That was so good. I feel so bad too because it's like, that's one of my biggest fears. That's literally like your son catching you masturbating. That's how it was. It's the equivalent of that.

No.

Imagine if I surprised you with your kids. Jason, look, Wyatt and Charlie are here.

You would never do that. You would never surprise me with my kids.

Yeah, you're right.

They're at the bottom of your list.

Surprise Jason with his kids.

You are nice to my kids though.

Is that a weird random transition?

No, you are. You know, you're pretty nice.

No, I am nice to your kids.

Yeah, pretty nice.

I like hanging out with them. No, you don't.

Don't lie.

Sorry, I thought we were both just gonna agree on how nice I am.

No, you don't like hanging out with them.

No, no, no, no. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like a really big kid person when I see the kids for the first time. Does that make sense?

Right.

So when I see, it's like, it's like seeing a puppy. Like when I see someone's dog for the first time, I'm like, yes, a dog. But when I start to see it a lot, I'm like, it's a dog. You know what I mean?

Is that how you feel about your brother?

No, my brother, my brother I had like the craziest obsession with because he was like the cutest thing.

Right.

Like, and I would love, like, I would like hang out with him. Well, I wouldn't hang out with him a lot just because I was, you know, out with my friends.

You had to watch your brothers and sisters, right?

I had to watch my siblings.

Is that a bummer?

And it was bad. It was bad because they always wanted something. But I never knew how bad it was until I saw you with your kids one day. I think it was a very special day because they wanted ice cream. And right when they were done eating ice cream, they wanted CPK. And it was like this whole, like, ongoing thing. And I was like, holy cow, like, this brings me back to the days, to the 2 days I ever agreed to babysit my siblings.

Yeah, David pulled me aside outside. He never does this where he's like dead serious about something. And he just goes, dude, I don't know how you do it. I couldn't do that.

I was like, because I mean, there's one thing of taking care of kids, but like when they're at the age that they are, that's where they're like the neediest, right? Where they're like 12 or like 10.

Yeah.

That's where they want the most.

6 and 8 is bad. 6 and 9 is bad.

I feel like it's better when they don't know how to talk because then they just cry and you just assume that they want to be held.

No, that's the worst.

It's the worst?

Oh no, it's so much fun now. Now it's just, I mean, it's their pain in the neck, but it's so much fun. Dude, they shoot videos with me.

No, that's awesome.

I mean, literally, like on Saturday they were like, what are we doing for the family vlog?

They want to shoot videos with you?

Yeah, they're so down. Yesterday Charlie said to me, she goes, who do you think the people like better, you or me?

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah, I go you.

I love Charlie. Charlie's my favorite. I always say this, I always think that she's gonna be like— I don't want to like, you know, single out Wyatt here, but Charlie, Charlie's the bomb.com.

Yeah, she's a good kid.

Um, what was I gonna say? I forgot, I lost my train of thought.

Why didn't you go to your brother's— did you go to your brother's soccer game on Saturday?

I went to my brother's soccer game.

You went?

Yeah. David, oh, this is what I was gonna say.

Very proud of you.

Back to the crying kid thing. My parents would always try like new ways of parenting. Like they would, they would just— my parents, I think, love reading things online. So if they read something like, you know, let's try it. So one time they, they had my sister, my sister was crying. She was crying like throughout the entire night. And, and they just let her cry because they thought it was like a way of like, maybe, maybe it works for some parents. I don't know. I'm sure it works for some people, but they kind of just let her cry. They didn't go like give her attention or anything. Right. And I was I don't know. I guess I'm not going anywhere with this story.

Yeah, no, that's what you're supposed to do. You're not supposed to go in there when the baby's crying and it's really hard. Like, I want to go in there. They're like, no, no, no, we've got to break her.

You're supposed to go in there.

No, you're supposed to not go in there so they get used to the crib and not being picked up every 5 minutes. This was when she was a baby, you're saying?

No, no, this was when she was 17. This is actually a story about me when I lived back home. Don't go in there.

So you went to the— because it was a big thing. We were at David's house in Chicago, and his mom is so sweet. His dad is so wonderful. They got me drunk. But his mom wanted David to go to the soccer game on his brother's side.

I like how you just like skipped over it.

They got me drunk and then they got me drunk on Russian vodka or whatever it was, Slovakian liqueur. It was—

he got drunk and then we're in the car and he's like, come on, let's go do something, let's go do something, let's go to the bars, let's go to the bars.

I go to your dad, I go, is this a 151 proof? And he goes, no, no, no, 250. Like, you can't get more than 151 in this country. Like, that is pussy drink.

That is pussy drink. You make my dad seem so much more hardcore than he is.

No, he's a sweet guy. He's not—

What do you think about my parents?

I just love them so much.

Does it explain anything about me?

Oh my God, it explains so much. It was like being like a sociologist and like, you know, because I'm so fascinated with how you're made up and then it just explained everything. How? Why you're angry.

I'm not like my parents. Why you're angry.

It explained this.

You're like, I would be pissed if I was living with them too.

It explained why you're angry. It explained, um, what do you mean? Explain your work ethic. It explained.

Okay, explain how it explains my work ethic.

Because I heard their whole story. Like, your dad came here first.

Yeah.

That's super hard. Left you when you were a baby.

Yeah.

And had to work in New York for a year. Doesn't know any English. I guess has some photo skills and manages to get like a job in a darkroom. And then he's like working here. So then he finally gets enough money, brings your mom here, brings you here when you're 5. You don't speak English.

My mom came and then I flew over by myself. I surprised my mom when I was 6.

And you videotaped it? You vlogged it? 5-year-old surprise!

Surprising mom with scorpions!

Surprising mom with illegal immigration!

I'd do a follow-up video. Surprising my mom with deportation!

Oh, these are clickbait titles that I hope everyone understands. But anyways, yeah, shut up. You flew over by yourself when you were 5?

Yeah. Okay, this was, this was, um, this was actually, actually this was post-9/11, so this is a weird thing. Um, my dad was actually in New York during 9/11. I don't— this has nothing to do with it, but yeah, I flew over by myself and when I started crying because I was 6 and I was really scared and the stewardess like took care of me. They took me out of my seat and they took me back to where they were like, you know, where the stewardess sit and that's where I got my first blowjob. Damn it, that was my joke.

Sorry. Go ahead, do it again.

No, but they took me back and they took care of me and they're like, do you want to watch a movie? Like they were really nice to me. And then they asked me if I wanted to go inside the cockpit and see how the pilot flies the plane. And now, okay, now that I said it, it sounds pretty dark and I don't think it was like that, but like But I'm surprised because you have a bomb strapped to your chest at 5.

Jesus Christ, little did they know I was Slovakian spy. Give me a juice box, I'm going to blow this plane up.

No, but it was pretty, it was pretty incredible that they let me into the cockpit. But I said no because I was so sad and I was so crazy, so I just decided not to go into the cockpit. And that's like a big opportunity.

Was your mom already in LA, in the States?

She was in Ohio, yeah. And I went to surprise my mom.

Who put you on the plane, your grandparents?

My grandparents. And then my dad picked me up. And I had like a one person that was chaperoning me. She pushed me on the plane and then another person took me off the plane.

David, this is a traumatic experience that you need to analyze.

That's how my mom always reacts to it.

You need to analyze this. Me? Yeah, this is why you're such a lone wolf.

This is why I love first class.

This is why last night at Buffalo Wild Wings you're just kind of like checked out.

What do you mean?

You're completely checked out last night at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Yeah, what does this have to do with wings?

Oh no, it doesn't have anything to do with wings. It's just that we were stating the location. But you need to analyze this. Are you being put on the plane by yourself, not knowing anyone, sadly leaving?

I don't think that was anything from your home.

Jesus Christ, they probably built you know, built a lot of character.

You make me start crying now. You know what, that's what it was.

Did you cry on the plane?

A lot. I cried the entire trip. I was that kid.

It must have been like 11 hours.

Yeah, I was— I don't know. Yeah, it's probably like 9 or 10.

Yeah, I can't believe they just put you on the plane.

You're like, your parents are awful.

No, no, just— gosh, I guess they had to do it. But anyways, getting back to it, yeah, it explains so much, like your work ethic. Like, okay, they come here, they don't know anything. Your mom Your mom has like a good job over there, like a skilled job. She comes here, but they— okay, they go to New York, then they go to Toledo, which I'm sure is an armpit.

Yeah, it was pretty awful.

And then she goes and she says she works at a bakery.

Yeah, but so good.

The interesting thing is what she said was she's like, I didn't care. She's like, I loved it so much.

The bakery.

Yeah. Like she didn't really want to be working at a bakery, but she was so happy just to be here.

Say more things that my mom would have said.

She was like, I did not care. I cooked the pies. It did not matter to me. I was so happy. I loved coming home and watching Cosby Show. It was just awesome.

Nothing better than feeling custard up into the doughnuts. That was my release. The custard represented me coming into this country. It was the most remarkable experience of my life.

Yeah, that was kind of— and I do not like to get too sentimental, but I— I mean, yes, I do. I love to get sentimental. But, you know, I love American stories. Like, if I meet someone from another country and they moved here, I love to hear them say, I love it here.

Oh, yeah.

I love to hear that. I'm like, oh, you like it here? That's awesome.

It's the best. But my parents love it here because it's great, like, financially. But they hate it. They just hate— they miss the culture. They're so old-fashioned. And that's like the part where we completely differed on. I was like, America, America, America. And like, the thing is, with my parents, I would always piss them off and I would always pretend like I hate Slovakia.

Right.

But then, but then when I would go to school, I would pretend like I hate America and I would be like, I would be so for Slovakia. But I, but I was so young and I loved to like tick them off and I'd be like, oh, I don't care anything about Slovakia.

Why were you so interested in ticking them off?

I don't know. I think I was just a teenager and like, I would just love to like just get into arguments and stuff.

I think because they were foreign. You and you were assimilated and you're kind of a hotshot. I think that was your—

I was assimilated, I was kind of a hotshot.

Oh, like you were assimilated to the country, and I think that's your way of drawing a line, like, like, hey, I'm different than you, I'm American, you're from the shitty old country. And I think subconsciously you were saying— you were drawing that line in the sand, like, fuck off. I'm fucking American, don't be this old way. And then of course you went to school, that's just to them, and then you go to school and you're like, you know, because deep down I'm sure you care about them, so now you like, you make up for it by going to school and being all Czech Republic or whatever the country's called.

Slovakia. No, I think whatever, I think, I think that's good.

Donuts with the cream.

I think that's a little intense. I think it was just like my parents like overall like just mentality about things like Like, one example I remember so vividly is like, I would say, why don't we ever play the lottery? And they were, you know, a normal answer would be like, because you don't win. But their answer was, what would we, what do we need the money for? Like, if we won, we don't need that. It's bizarre. And that's what would be so frustrating to me. I'd be like, if you don't need it, someone else does. So you can go and, you know, start a charity. And like, that was always so frustrating to me. Like, how do you not need money? Like, I just, I never understood that. And like that, that That whole mentality is kind of what was different between me and my parents. Right. It was like I was super like American and like, you know, this American dude. And then they were just like, they loved like the roots in Slovakia and they were like, well, because they lived their entire life there, so I don't blame them. You know, it was, it's like me leaving America, me leaving America right now.

I think it's interesting that they moved here and they made their life better, but it came at a price maybe, or maybe they think to themselves, It completely changed our children.

Yeah.

I guess, but it gave us new values. I think that, like, the whole— I don't know. I don't think it's that serious.

Did you go to Toby's soccer game? Did he win?

I did go to my brother's soccer game.

Did he score?

He scored.

He scored?

He scores a lot. He's really good.

He's good?

But he missed the game-winning goal. I mean, like, literally the easiest goal on the face of the earth. He got off the field and I'm like, you do realize you messed up the game.

David!

And he's like, I know, he's actually, he's really, I'm surprised like how smart he is for 7 years old. Like I was talking to him, it was just me and him on the couch, and I'm like, he's 7 years old.

No, he's super smart. Yeah, you get that right away when you talk to him.

And I'm like, and I'm like, I heard, um, I heard you're really good at soccer. And he's like, who told you that? And I'm like, your parents. And, and he's like, well, they have to say that, they're my parents.

Yeah.

And like, that's like a pretty fun thing to pick up on when you're a kid.

Yeah.

So like when he got off his soccer game, I was pretty real with him. I'm like, you did great, but you missed the Soccer, you missed the game-winning goal there. He's like, I know, I know.

Describe the goal. Was it literally like right in front of him?

Right in front of him.

How far from the goal?

I mean, literally 5 feet because he's so small that 5 feet is like a big difference.

Sure.

But it was 5 feet. It was right on the edge.

And where was the goalie?

He was on the floor somewhere else because they're only 7 playing Pokémon. Oh, my favorite thing was when you met my brother. You met my brother and you start talking to him and he's giving you like short responses. And I go, oh, Jason, he's deaf. He's really hard of hearing.

I walk into David's place. I'm not there 30 seconds. Toby's sitting on the couch, 7 years old. I'm like, hey Toby, nice to meet you. He doesn't say much. And then David kind of perfectly walks upstairs, turns around, and with total seriousness in his voice and really kind eyes goes, oh Jason, he's deaf. And then I go, oh, oh no. I'm so sorry. And then David goes, I'm kidding.

It's funny because Toby was responding to what Jason was saying, so it didn't click with Jason at all that I've been talking to this kid for a solid 15 seconds now.

Maybe he reads lips.

Jason's like, oh my God, I cured his deafness just by walking into the room. No, but Toby's not deaf. And I like my parents. We just didn't get along when I was a kid. That's the overall message. Message on today's podcast.

And then I was uploading and it took forever and I gave it— they wanted—

they were so glad that, uh, oh my God, they love when I stay around. They don't understand that I have to go and film. They don't understand that, like, that I have to leave. Yeah, they're like, why don't you stay more and watch us put custard into donuts?

Yeah, she said to me, what are you doing for 5 hours? Because we were editing our, our respective vlogs on Friday to post.

They take a while to edit. They take— sometimes it takes 6, 7 hours, which is kind of hard to believe. A lot of people don't understand how much editing we do. Like, I have a 4-minute vlog and it's consistently every time 4 minutes and 20 seconds. There's nothing different about it other than maybe the content that's in it. But every time I sit down to edit, I have an hour and a half to 2 hours of footage. So if you wanted a completely boring vlog, I can upload a 2-hour vlog, but I'm not going to do that no matter how hard and how bad people want it. Right, because it's, it's awful and it will just be like any other vlogger. But yes, I always have at least an hour and a half of footage to go through. I vlog a lot. I just put the best parts.

You get an hour and a half in 2 days, like literally from Monday to Wednesday you have an hour and a half. So David posts Monday, Wednesday, Friday. So as soon as he finishes Monday, he'll take a little bit of break and then he starts filming for Wednesday. Yeah, wow, that's a lot of footage.

It's a lot of footage. And like, that's why, that's why people— I think, did we touch up on this on the last podcast. I don't know if not. I'm going to say it again. A lot of people are always like, how are your friends so funny? And I'm always like, they're hilarious. They're like, they're really funny. But like, you also have to keep in mind, it's— if I took the movie Titanic and I had all the footage that was in it and they'd allow me to edit it down into a 5-minute vlog, I can make everyone on the Titanic seem hilarious.

Right.

Because it's just— it's all about how—

especially because it's a drama. That's all.

Yeah. It's all about how editing is.

David just puts fart noises under Leonardo DiCaprio. I did it. I made him hilarious. Rose.

No, there's nothing. Why don't you paint me like one of your French? No, there's nothing special about, like, about, like, I'm not some incredible editing guy, but I'm just saying, if you want, you can edit anything into to make it seem funny. And that's just what I do. Yeah. And I'm not taking away.

No, no. David will shoot with a certain someone for about 40 minutes and maybe walk away with 15 seconds.

There's been, there's been times where Josh or Jason come over to my house and we film for 45 minutes on my camera. So I have 45 minutes of footage and I use none of it because none of it is good. None of it has any meaning or depth to it at all. I mean, I know you're, you're probably listening to this and you're like, Daph, all you do is talk about masturbation.

I don't think meaning in-depth as your vlog.

Yeah, that's not what I'm at.

It doesn't have like a pop, like a joke. Hilarious, hilarious.

Yeah, it doesn't have too many punches. Yeah, so I just don't use it. And then like, I've even had, I've even had things, times with Big Nick where I filmed with him for, you know, an hour and I use none of it. And then he'll call me the next day and he'll be like, yo, what happened?

Yo dude, what happened?

Yo dude, what happened? And I'd be like, I'm sorry, it just wasn't, it wasn't anything good. And like, I feel like it's I'd rather put— I'd rather put— I'd rather leave you out of the vlog than put stuff that I'm not confident about in the video. Yeah, it just makes you look so much worse when people don't find you funny in the videos.

Yeah, and you do so many videos, everyone gets a turn. Big Nick, we should say, is our friend. He's a dwarf and he's about 19 years old and he does vlogs. Very inspirational cat. You should check him out.

Cat? Big Nick is my absolute favorite person. He's very short, and I guess that's—

how tall is he, 3'5"?

I don't know.

Wyatt towers over him and he's 11.

He has to be under 4 feet.

The day I saw Wyatt and Big Nick together, I, I, I, my brain almost exploded.

Wyatt is Jason's son and he's like a couple inches taller than Big Nick, who's 19 years old, and it's the best.

It's, it, it— because I, when I see Nick, I don't see a dwarf, I see an adult.

You just see a person, right?

Yeah, yeah. I don't think he's a dwarf at all. But then when Wyatt went up next to him You're like, David, he's more than a couple inches. He's like a foot.

He's very small, but that's why he's the best.

Yeah, he's a good guy.

He's very fragile. Yeah, he's like a little baby. Like, I want to hold him and talk to him for as long as I can. I see on the whiteboard you said, where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Yeah, that was a question from Instagram DMs.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years, Jason?

That's a scary question, Dave.

There's so many different retirement homes. That would terrify me too.

I'm ready, man. I'm ready for that retirement home.

Can I just talk about retirement homes and how awful they are?

Yeah.

I used to work at one and I know all the ins and outs of it.

Yeah, you said the other night everybody has AIDS there. Did you mean AIDS or STDs?

AIDS. There was a big—

Who's got AIDS?

It was a really big thing in our retirement home, but they weren't allowed to tell us who had AIDS for privacy reasons. But there were a lot of residents there that had AIDS. But retirement homes, whether you like to believe it or not, are awful. They are awful.

Let me clarify, I didn't mean to make light of AIDS. I just didn't know a lot of people had AIDS that are 80.

Oh yeah, I mean, I feel like, I feel like that's like when it was— I don't know, I don't know. Regardless, um, I used to work at a retirement home. That was my first and only like real job. And, um, yeah, it was, it was a horrible experience.

These—

we, we as the servers would think of these old people as people without families where their families just left them to die in these homes. But I know it's not like that because you just can't take care of an older person because it's just so much work. But to us, that's what it felt like. And it was just— they were so— I almost felt like they were mistreated. I don't even know.

I go walk in to see my mother-in-law. She just went into a retirement home. And, and literally, a guy the other day, he— I walk in and he just looks at me, reaches his hand out, long fingernails, grabs my shoulder and goes, help me. Yeah, shut Yeah, like, I heard him walking in.

He was like, help me.

And the nurses just can't go to him all the time. And I walked right up and he's like, oh my God. Yeah, it's hard.

At my retirement home, it's 5 floors, right? And on the first floor, there's a piano that, like, old people can play. And I think, like, 4 or 5 years ago, a guy jumped from the 5th floor and landed on the piano.

Jumped or fell?

Jumped.

He was just like, I'm done.

Yeah.

Oh, he landed on the piano.

How dramatic.

And then what happened? Did he live?

No, he died.

Oh God.

And to the retirement home, another room just opened up. That's literally— that's how these things are, and it's terrifying.

The person at the piano is playing Alicia Keys' Fallen.

Okay. Jesus Christ. I keep on falling.

Person's playing Bad and Boujee.

Bad and Boujee. Okay guys, I think that's all the time we have. I think we went Went into a very dark, dark space into this podcast.

Yeah, thanks for watching. I mean, listening. People say watching. I get all kinds of DMs.

Because—

been watching the podcast.

Well, thanks for listening to the podcast, guys. And our first ad was today. We have no idea how much we got paid for it, by the way. No, we don't know. I would 100% tell you how much we're getting paid.

Yeah.

They don't want to tell us.

No.

Which is a weird thing.

That is strange.

Why aren't they telling us how much we're getting paid?

I found it odd. But I mean, they probably—

Wait, hold on. You told me we're not getting paid. Does that mean you know how much we're getting paid?

No, I don't know anything.

Jason's messing with the amount of money I'm getting paid here.

I think it was $10.

I think you got $10 and I got like $30,000. Jason, you gotta tell me these things. All right guys, thanks for listening. We'll see you guys later. Bye. Oh, follow us on social media. Jason already put his mic down, so it's too late.

No, no, check my social medias out. I need help.

Jason Nash on everything. Just follow him. And my YouTube channel. And he has a great YouTube channel. And his family channel. Okay, go follow him on everything. I'm David Dobrik on everything. We'll see you guys later.