Getting My Ass Kicked By A Girl

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views. Jason is currently in the bathroom right now, so I'm going to let Ilya take over. Ilya.

Hi, guys. Did you know that the inventor of the Frisbee was cremated and made into a Frisbee?

Get the fuck out of here. I swear to God. Get the fuck out of here.

I swear to God.

Wow. Are you being serious?

Yeah. So what do you want to be cremated into?

A vlog camera. Wait, wait, wait. Is that serious?

Yeah.

Okay. Where's the Frisbee now?

I don't fucking know. Walmart.

Just one. Wow. You're already a better co-host than Jason. All right, roll intro music. It's funny, every time somebody has a story here, like, people get really excited. Like, Ilya texted all of us and Ilya goes, you guys won't fucking believe what happened. Like, I can't even hype this up enough. You will not believe what happened. And then like, we're like, what happened?

What happened?

We're all texting him back and then he doesn't respond. And then he gets here and he goes, you guys will not fucking— like, again, the same thing. And then, and then we're like, what is it? He's like, I got to save it for the podcast. It's just funny that like, no matter, like when people have something exciting here, they don't share it because they have to share it. They have to save it for this moment. Okay. Go. Before I share my story, we've been waiting for this for 3 days, by the way.

So this is, I got to the sex dungeon and I couldn't tell you for a week.

Yeah. That's funny.

Uh, before I share my story, I was just thinking like I had this thought earlier today. Um, my ex-girlfriend, my past girlfriend, um, Her new boyfriend is 6'5". Oh, damn. I was like, he's a tall motherfucker.

I was always curious why your girlfriend was with you.

He towers over me, bro.

Kind of agree.

Yeah, right? Yeah, that's, that's what— that's why I was always so confused. That relationship—

hurtful thing to say.

No, it's not. She's so— she's so tall.

Oh, she is?

How tall?

5'8"? Yeah, she's 5'8". That's like, that's really tall.

She's like 5'7" or something like that.

No, she was tall.

She's an inch taller than she was tall in heels.

No, she was just—

it was just a really funny combo with her and Ilya.

Yeah.

Whenever we go to homecoming, I'd always be like 4 inches shorter than her. Like prom or whatever.

Sorry, I didn't mean— I didn't mean that. I mean, I don't know why she was dating you.

Yeah, you did. Okay, though.

No, I didn't. Okay, I did. All right, Garrell, what were you saying?

So I have this DMV guy. That somehow miraculously gets me to the front of the line by having people wait there from like 3 AM. He puts people in line at 3 AM and then when we get there we pretty much switch places, right?

Right, so he lets you skip the line. And the DMVs in LA are fuck, it's like another level.

So I pull up knowing that this guy is going to bring me to the front of the line, so I'm already expecting that people are gonna give me dirty looks, right? These two people that were behind us that like were there since fucking 3 AM go batshit crazy.

Oh no, batshit crazy.

No, first guy, he looks like he's on fucking crack, he's so mad. He's like, he's like, yo, yo, were you guys here at 3 AM, huh? Were you guys— were you guys here at 3 AM? And like, he starts getting backed up by this other, other girl. He's like, yeah, did you pay them to come here? The guy who brought me there starts defending us. He's like, yeah, I— we were here at 3 AM, I have a video. He starts like explaining all this.

Oh God.

And the guy goes, no, no, I'm gonna shed your blood. I'm gonna swear to God. Wait, what does he say? He goes, I'm gonna shed your blood. He starts pacing back and forth. He's like, I'm gonna shed your blood, I'm gonna do it right now, I'm gonna do it in front of everybody.

Oh, I swear to God, you can't make this up, bro.

He's He is so livid. He's like, I'm gonna shed your blood right now.

I'm sitting there, I'm like, oh my God, that sounds crazy.

But then again, it is the DMV.

I'm gonna—

no, in LA, it's DMV that bad. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna shed your blood.

And I'm speechless.

I'm like, what the fuck is going on, you know?

And so like, he like kind of calms down, whatever. Um, the fucking DMV person comes over, like talks to him. He starts bitching at the DMV person. Like, I'm so like— I'm in the middle of all this. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck to do. There's people screaming. And the fucking security guard is like yelling at another person. He's like, stop pushing me. I'm like, bro, I'm in a movie. Like, this is insane.

Oh no.

Um, there's like 4 or 5 more people that come up and like make a scene about us being there. Like literally like every other person that saw that scene started making a scene.

Like, yeah.

And he's trying to like, he's trying to like soothe things, smooth things over with like the people as they go. And his partner that's like there helping him, I can see him like 15 feet away. He's standing there in the corner like with his arms crossed and he makes, he He makes this signal to the guy who brought me. He goes like the cutthroat signal, like, stop talking, you know what I mean? Because he's like, he's trying to sue things over, but like, it's not working. These people are just like not listening to like what he has to say.

Taking your hand underneath your chin and going, cut it, cut it, cut it.

Yeah, he just did the signal and forgot that it was an audio podcast. Okay, go.

Yeah, anyways, um, I've never felt that uncomfortable in my fucking life, right? And thank God I had a fucking mask on because like I was hiding my grin or like my laughter in. But it was so, so funny.

What happened after?

Long story short, the man died. Long story short, the manager of like the DMV comes out. He knows the guy who like brought me in or whatever.

Yeah.

And they like talk and they smooth things out. Basically, the people that were all mad like went ahead of us. And so we ended up going after like all the pissed off people.

One of the funniest moments this year was David got us all together to watch Accepted. You remember this, Nat?

Yes.

And we were gonna watch it one night, but I couldn't.

Oh, did we not talk about this on the podcast yet?

And I couldn't stay. So Dave was like— I'm like, put it— I'm like, put it on and I'll watch the first 15 minutes. He was like, no, no, you got to watch the whole thing. And Nat is a firm believer in that too. She's like, no, no, no, no, we gotta wait. We'll all watch it together. And so then we watched it, right? Yeah, it was pretty fun. It's a good movie.

Such a good movie.

And then, you know, it's, it's at the very end It during Justin Long, and I wanted to get up many times during the movie, right? Because I didn't think it was that great. You said it was as good as Superbad.

It's a really good movie.

It's good. It's fine.

It's fine. It's one of the best movies.

If I wasn't here with you guys watching it, I might have not watched it.

Okay, but it was good. And what happened?

And right during Justin Long's speech in the very—

so accept it as a movie where these kids start their own college. Yeah. And, and I'm not gonna spoil for you. It's a 20-year-old movie. I'm not gonna spoil for you guys, but at the end they get busted.. And the main character is now in court and he has to give the speech to why their college is a real college. Yeah. And why they should become a real college, should be accredited like a real college. This is the best part of the entire movie, the most climactic moment. The only reason to watch the entire movie is for this moment where fucking they're finally going to win. They're going to win. They're going to win. These losers that couldn't get into real college are finally going to be accepted into this fake college that they made.

And in an average movie, this is one of the— this is the best part of the movie. I would love this part of the movie.

It's a big part of the movie. It's a big part. And then what happened? Go tell everybody what happened.

And right in the middle of the speech, Ilya just gets up and just walks out of the room.

Gets up and gets up and leaves. And I go, Ilya, where are you going? And first he was walking towards the kitchen and I go, Ilya, where are you going? And he stops and then he goes to his room. And then I pause it. I pause the movie. I just like, out of anger, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I pause the movie and I hear him on the toilet in his room. So I'm like, what's going on? He flushes. He's washing his hands like he's checking himself out in the mirror. It takes a long time for him to come back out. And then he's walking. When he comes out, he walks over to the kitchen. Now he's going back to the kitchen and I'm like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? Like, I'm so angry. And he looks at me like, what? And I'm like, are you fucking serious?

And then David was— they started arguing and Dave was like, I'm not friends with you anymore. Dave was literally like, I'm not going to talk to you ever again.

I just—

I— your movie laws are interesting.

No, I agree with his laws. You do agree with those?

I totally agree. I was just high. For the 10th fucking time, you idiot.

It doesn't— what do you not understand? I wasn't thinking about the movie. I was thinking about I want to take a piss and go to the fucking kitchen to eat some snacks. It just doesn't make sense. What do you not understand about that?

If I'm regular— it doesn't make sense is that you sat here for an hour and 40 minutes, and honestly, he was enjoying the movie.

He was laughing, he was laughing at parts of the movie.

How the fuck do you leave for the most important part of it? How, how do you do that? And then I go— and then I go to him Ilya, I can't trust you with anything anymore. Because I go, because I go like—

that's when he crossed the line. Listen, that's when I got mad.

No, cuz—

fuck you.

Cuz I, I, I, I, one of the most important qualities of my friends is that I trust them with choices when I'm making videos or making content. I can ask them, I'm like, is this funny? Do you enjoy this? Do you appreciate this?

Right? He obviously didn't.

Yeah. And if Ilya can't like recognize a good movie like that when it's happening, that I don't know if I could trust him to watch my videos and tell me if it's a good or bad video.

Okay, then don't show me your videos.

Your videos are way better than Accepted. Oh, fuck off.

No, it's not like that.

No, don't show me your fucking videos then. What do you want me to tell you? I was fucking high. I wanted to take a piss. Fuck you. That's what I have to say. Yes, during the best— and I admit that, you dumb fuck. What do you not understand? I admit that I was wrong, but I was high. I would never do that if I was sober.

What do you mean if I've never heard anybody become an idiot when they're high.

If I were here with other people—

That's an accusation.

Wait, what did you say?

He said he's never heard of anyone becoming an idiot when they're high, which is like pretty much what happens. You just kind of become like—

Okay, timeout.

Yeah, that's crazy. That's a crazy statement.

I mean, it makes sense.

We're all idiots when we're high.

No, but that was just a very, very bizarre moment, man. I mean, Jake—

I don't think that he was paying attention. Like, I think that he would look up, engage in a scene, think it was funny, and then completely forget that it happened.

I was so angry, and I was like looking around the room to see who was agreeing with me. Here, because I was like, there's no fucking way I'm on my own. And I finally— I locked eyes with Natalie, and I could see like there's a little bit of like agreeance with her. And I was like, thank God, thank God I'm not the only one here that cares about respecting a film.

And it's just funny, like, could have been any other moment, but it was the moment.

It was the moment to leave. It made no sense. And I'm so—

I'm no— I don't know anybody like you.

This is why I hate watching movies with people. Like, I'll be hanging out with somebody and they'll be like, oh, let's watch the movie you like. I'll be like, Fuck that. Like, we're not watching any movie that I love unless you— unless you sign a piece of paper right now that says you're going to watch every second of it. I'm so anal about movies.

I hate it.

It's— it's like if— if in your scenario, in your case, if you took someone to like a stand-up show and they left like in the middle of the show, like during a great joke, that's different. Completely. No, it's something you like.

Love it.

I'm torn about it.

On the one hand, I think it's cute.

I think it's cute that you guys have that law. Like, I like it. And on the other hand, I'm also like, if someone got up and walked out, I'd be like, I guess they didn't like it. I mean, you know, you didn't make the movie. Yeah, but I think one thing— it was your movie.

I didn't like the movie. But, bro, you know how much it means to me to show people things? I fucking love showing people things. Oh, like, it's like my biggest thing. I love people's reactions, and I love, like, showing people things for the first time.

I promise you, like, it was good.

It wasn't as good as Superbad. Like, you said it was as good as Superbad.

I think it's one of those movies that's like Superbad.

Is it because you saw it, like, at a time in your life and that you like will really size it.

Yes, 100%. Yeah, it's definitely like from like a—

I have that.

Yeah, but, but like, but like also I've brought this up before, like when we go to restaurants and I don't like the restaurant but you like the restaurant, everyone else likes the restaurant, then the next week I'll bring people to that restaurant just because I like seeing people's reactions because I know other people like the restaurant. Oh, like I'm just obsessed with people's reactions to things.

I love it.

Like whether it's whether I'm delivering good news or bad news, I love delivering it is my favorite thing. And this is why this was so important to me, for him to watch the best moment of this insane speech and accept it.

Listen to me, I promise you from the bottom of my heart, if I was sober, I would have sat through that fucking dumbass movie even if I fucking hated it.

Because, bro, I wanted to get up and leave so many times during the movie and go home and go to sleep. You did? But I knew, I was like, if I leave, it's going to be like a breach of trust.

Oh, and, and also, and also, the first time we were going to watch Accepted Jay was like, Jay, everybody wanted to watch Accepted. And Jay was over and Jay was like, Jay was like, yeah, throw it on, but I'm going to leave in like 20 minutes. And I was like, oh, okay, we're not going to watch it then. We'll watch it another time. Remember? That's what I said. So then I waited 2 weeks and then we watched it again when we were all ready to watch a movie. And thank God you didn't leave. But who knew that one of my closest friends would backstab me in the fucking heat of the moment? I was— listen, I understand that I'm overreacting a little bit. I do. But it just— it really did hurt me.

Yeah. Well, it's good you're passionate. I like it. I admire it. And your friend Ilya is an asshole. We had to take photos this week for the podcast. Dave and I, it was just fucking the worst. Oh, yeah, it was the worst.

Big changes coming to the podcast.

Oh, well, what are you— what are you going to say? What are you about to announce? I'm eager to hear what you would say.

No, nothing. I don't like—

it's not—

no, no.

You're such a tease. What? Big changes coming to the podcast. Never mind. What are the big changes? Am I out? Placing me with Ilya, who can't hold the mic up to his face.

We're working on it, man. Yeah, you can't hold that mic up. We're gonna have to tape that fucking mic to his chest so he can just start talking.

That's kind of funny. That's really funny. Or like headgear with a mic that drops down in front of his nose.

No, we're about to take the podcast more seriously.

If you haven't noticed the last couple episodes, you haven't noticed Joe Rogan just sold this podcast for a lot of money and David read the article. No, but And finally she's gonna listen to us.

If you haven't noticed, the last two podcasts I've been a lot more attentive, and I've been here, and I've been contributing to stories a lot more than I normally would. Yeah, and that's because I'm more in it now than ever before.

This is attentive? Yeah, you're wrapped in five blankets.

Yeah, but bro, I've been listening to all your stories. I just listened to that bullshit shit about why I was trying to get something going, you motherfucker.

I know it wasn't great, but I thought you could add something.

That was good. The Citizen app is amazing, man. I'm happy for for your son.

Jay, you should, um, try my pasta because—

oh, I wanted to try your pasta.

These two haven't fucking tried John and Vinny's.

Oh really?

No, Ilya and I haven't tried John and Vinny's.

You haven't had it yet? Where is it?

Well, not tonight unless Ilya will eat it tonight.

I can't eat until like September 4th.

Jesus Christ, sucks.

Yeah, that sucks. You literally make all of us suffer.

Such a cult around here. I love it. Walked out unaccepted. Ilya, 40 lashings.

You know how David always like— normally people talk shit behind your back, right?

Yeah. Oh yeah.

Yeah.

This is a really weird observation she had.

You know how David, he like, he'll, he'll be nice to you, he'll be mean to you in person, but then he'll like praise you behind your back. Like you won't be there. And like he'll say, that's—

he's a great guy.

I frickin love Jason. He's awesome. But then when you're here, he's like, you fat fuck, get the fuck out of here.

And he's like so mean to you.

I know.

And I've noticed it so much. So when he's nice to people, like if he's ever nice to me, I'm like, oh, is this good or is it bad? I'm like worried. And I'm like, so now I'm so used to him being mean to me that I'm like, okay, I hope that at least when I'm not there, maybe he's like saying nice things. But I don't know that obviously, and I'll never know. But so when he is nice or he like says one thing that isn't an insult, I'm like, Oh, fuck. Like, is he going to like— when I leave the room, he's going to be like, oh, fuck, Ella fucking sucks. She's so fucking annoying or something. It's like so hard to know because it's like, do you— does he like you or does he not like you?

You know, if he's being mean to you, that means he likes you.

That means I like you the most.

But then if he's being nice to you, that doesn't mean—

that means he fucking loves me.

No, that has nothing to do with it because I'm so mean to you. Yeah, you're really a fucking bully.

He's literally a bully.

Oh, come on, shorty.

Yeah, he definitely loves you the most.

Fucking what?

Fuck me, bro. Oh, put the fucking mic up to your mouth.

And it's so true though. Literally, when Ilya's not here, he's like fucking would jerk him off and like, it's like he's the best person in the world.

That's really scary.

That is the way I communicate with you guys. But I do check in from time to time, like with Ilya. I'll go, hey man, like, no, you don't.

Never checked in.

I just went in. I just went into your room the other day. I was like, is the short stuff really bothering you?

After you insulted me for a TikTok to show 20 million people.

I haven't posted it yet.

Yeah, whatever.

Don't give away my big Sunday TikTok.

Joe always says that. Like, he'll say to me, Joe, come over my house. And he'll just kind of like stand around sometimes. And I'm like, oh, he just wants to hang out. Okay, that's cool. And then he'll turn around and I'll go, you think David will get rid of us? You know what I always say? I go, no, he needs us.

Yeah. Reggie asked to have sex with me yesterday on purpose.

Wait, what was the guy that thought Oh yeah, that's our friend right here. Okay. I just wanted to go home during that night and people thought that we were going to go home together. I just asked.

We went to dinner the other night with a group of friends at a restaurant and the whole day pretty much Reggie would talk about how horny he was.

I was like, I've never felt this horny in my whole entire life. And I'm a Reggie Creations.

Yeah, I know that.

But the whole day just talking about it. And then at dinner he was sitting next to our other single male friend and they were like, he's nice, okay, super sweet guy, straight, straight, yes, okay. And, um, I mean, so we thought, right? I mean, he is—

no, he is— oh my God, stop.

But basically, like, then the whole night they were at dinner just like giggling and like laughing and like just, just talking to one-on-one to each other. And then at the end of the night, Reggie was like, I want to go home, or something like that.

I just wanted to go home.

And then he was like, oh, I'll take you. And then you know how it's like usually it's like, oh, I'll take you, and like, okay, let's like hook up in my car on way there. Like, that was the vibe.

Whoa, that is—

I did not get that vibe at all.

Everybody at the table got it. And then when they left, um, my two girlfriends that were in town were like, so your friend and Reggie, are they like— your friend's for sure like into Reggie, right? And I was like, no, he's out, he's 100% straight. And they were like, oh no, honey, like, they are definitely hooking up. And I was like, you guys are crazy. But they didn't hook up.

But it was— yeah, no, we don't know that.

We don't know if they didn't hook up. That's something they will never know.

Hold on, wait, can I say this one before I forget?

You're just the right amount of stupid, man. Like, you're not stupid, but you're like on, on a lot of things.

Let me make, let me make one thing very fucking straight with all of you.

I'm gonna fucking run you guys in 5 years.

I am not dumb. That's the one thing that I'm not.

We know you're not dumb.

I'm also a tub of fucking mayo, which I'm not, so.

Well, you're definitely not a tub of mayo, but like, you're good at, you're good at like money and stocks. There's so many things that you're I could learn like so much from you.

Dumb in like the world that you guys live in.

Yeah, exactly. That's all it is. Like, hey man, I'm gonna shed some blood. He's about to shed some blood.

I'm about to shed some blood right now.

Stand over David's bed tonight and say that. Uh, I'm gonna shed some blood, bro.

My buddy Jay Prehistoric Pets, he's like a snake guy. And he, he texted me like at 9:30 at night and he's like, hey man, I'm in the area finishing a job. Do you need a snake for any reason? I was like, okay, if I could come by, I'll film a TikTok, I'll put it in his room. And then he's like, I'm 5 minutes away. I'll see you soon. I was like, great. So I go out to the driveway to wait for him. And as he's pulling up, I like signal him in to like pull into my driveway or whatever. And I'm like, oh, I think his assistant's driving or something. And I tell him to pull in, but it's two fucking random girls just like coming to see my house and I just signal them to come into my driveway and I look right in the car. I'm like, oh, fuck. And they're like, hi, I'm so sorry, we'll just back out now. And then they back their car out and they're having like a hard time backing their car out of my driveway. And they're like, can you just help us get out of here? Can we back in again so we can back out? I was like, it's fine. It was so awkward because like, I didn't want to like be like, what the fuck are you doing here? Because I literally just invited them in. And then also like, why are they there? Like, why are they outside my house? But yeah, but then he came by and we put the snake in Ilya's room and it was so fucking funny.

Goddamn, I love that guy.

Yeah. Jay Preece.

I love it.

He is so optimistic on life.

I was talking to Phineas and he goes, he goes, yeah, I really like your podcast. And my reaction was, really? And he goes, and he goes, I don't know why. But anybody I compliment ever on their podcast, their initial reaction is always, really? Yeah. Like, it's such a funny thing because you just sit here and talk.

Yeah. I think you're talking to your friend.

Yeah. He was saying he's like, everybody like is like almost embarrassed of their podcast and it's like the one creative like art form that like no one is confident in. Yeah, like that's like a really funny like observation that he has a podcast, right? He has a podcast. Yeah.

Because my kids listen to it.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

But I've never heard it. Yeah, I was talking to it.

I was talking to him about Wyatt. You were. And, and you know how you wanted him to, like, come and help Wyatt with his music or whatever? Yeah. Yeah. He listened to the podcast where we talked about how, like, why— how Wyatt reacted to Oliver Tree. Yeah. And he was like, I'm down to come help Wyatt, but please don't make me surprise him.

It wasn't a surprise. It was supposed to be a Zoom call.

No, I know. I know.

Is that what he said?

No, no, he didn't say that.

So funny.

No, he didn't say that. But he's like, I just want to make sure Wyatt knows I'm about to call him. I don't like— because he didn't want to feel the pressure of there being a surprise. Yeah.

And have Wyatt disappoint him.

Yeah. And all of us. So he was like, he was like, just let Wyatt know that I'm going to call him. Just fucking schedule it in whatever. Pencil me and put it in Wyatt's fucking calendar that I'm going to call him because I don't want it to be a surprise. Jay, did you know how— okay, so Quentin Tarantino and Christopher Nolan, two of my favorite directors, they shoot on film, right? Right. That's like their thing. Do you know how like they put movies together? I had no fucking idea. So Christopher Nolan will edit the movie out. He'll edit the movie on his computer, like he'll edit the movie on like on his editing software. And then when he has it, he'll go to the film, he'll take a razor and he'll cut the film in the places and he'll glue them back together. And that's how you do it. And then Quentin Tarantino never even goes to his fucking computer. He just cuts them together. He just cuts the film together. He looks at the— he looks at the fucking—

does he really?

Yeah, he looks at the reel. Like he looks at the thing, the little—

seriously old-fashioned, like 1930s shit. Yeah, and he—

no way. And he puts the frames together like just by, by, by fucking taping it together. How fucking insane.

It can't be. Yes, that's how he does it. No, no, there's no fucking way. Then what's— why are there editors then? There's editors on all those films, especially Christopher Nolan films, which are like— have so much CGI and so much—

yeah, but I—

Christopher Nolan films do not have CGI.

Wait a minute, we're talking about like— what about the Leonardo DiCaprio movie Inception?

Inception? No, he builds those sets for real. Those are real sets.

All the things, you know, you know, I believe it. It's like one of those things that like, like if you're a genius, like you just do something crazy like that. Like Elon Musk will— he'll, he'll talk to like all interviewees. Yeah, he won't, he won't, he won't allow anybody to like interview anybody but himself.

I don't even think it's being about being crazy. It's the process of working with film, I guess, right? Yeah, the other way to do it, that's how you work with film.

And that's, that's where the phrase cut comes from. I didn't know, I just found that out today. When you say, when you yell cut, it's because you're literally cutting the film and then you're taping it together.

I'm trying to think about the last Quentin Tarantino movie that we saw and how he could do that, but I guess it does make sense. I guess it's just, it's just sound matches up and then that's it.

Yeah. And there was this other guy, there was this other guy who, he shot on a camera that doesn't record audio. So what he would do is he learned sign language and he learned how to read lips. So he would cut the pieces together of the film and then he'd know the parts based on how the lips are moving. And then he'd have the actors come in later and dub it over their actual voices. Really?

Which director was that?

I don't know. I don't remember his name. I can't remember his name.

But yeah, bro, my DMs are flooded with girls saying they know how to get through airports.

Oh, me too.

Me too.

I'm a 5'2" Latina girl and I will definitely walk in front of David.

Yeah.

Yeah, last podcast I said I want a girl that will walk in front of me and take charge in an airport and like command the way. And a girl that's under 5'2" and Latina or whatever. And yeah, all my DMs are like, I would definitely walk in front of you at the airport. And at first I didn't know what was going on. And then immediately after I thought, how do these people know so much about me? But then, yeah, I realized it's the girls that I, that I said that I would like.

So wait, you went rollerblading today?

You went rollerblading.

How'd it go? Rollblading was great. We went to Santa Monica Pier, bro. There were so many people.

The beach was fucking packed this morning.

I know, packed.

I think I did that fucking thing on there because that would have really popped.

Packed, man. It was fucking— there's so many people there.

I got almost knifed this morning in Santa Monica. Good. I'm running down to Santa Monica. There's a guy standing there with a knife and he's just looking at me. So then I was walking. And, and then I started to run again and they go, oh yeah, you better run like that.

And I was like, holy shit, he said that to you? Yeah. What did you say back?

Like 10 in the morning, he's going to knife me? I didn't say anything. It's, it's a, it's tough.

And you know how Jay, how Jay runs?

He runs like the worst.

Yeah. But you really think if you would have stopped and you had been like, what are you going to do about it, pussy? Like he would have came up and knifed you? Yes.

Not necessarily. No, but I want to find out, right? Yeah. Not necessarily. He might have just been like, fuck you, or hit me or something. But it was, it was weird. It was in front of like a really, really nice hotel that I got married in, like a nice area that I'm like always very like, hmm.

And was he like a homeless guy?

No, just like crazy fuck. Just like there's just tons of crazy fucks down there now.

Crazy guy with a knife and he said, you better run. Yeah. Damn, that's— you should take me as protection next time.

Oh yeah? Yeah. I didn't know you were tough.

Well, I can— no, I could just run faster than you. I can get help immediately.

Okay, that doesn't sound like that's gonna work. You're gonna take off and I'm gonna get stabbed.

I feel like Jason could take a hit.

Why? I could take a lot of pain.

A fat joke.

I feel like if someone hit him in the face, he'd get back up pretty quickly.

Oh, fucking way.

Yeah.

Oh, you don't think so?

I think so.

Let's see.

You wanna hit me in the face tomorrow, 2 o'clock?

I think you underestimate— I think you underestimate Jason's, like, manliness.

Take a hit from who? From me? Yeah, he'd be able to.

No, no, from anybody.

From anybody?

Not from anybody. Mike Tyson, come on, you fuck. I'm saying, like, the average person, he can take a hit.

Get from average person?

Meaning, like, me, if I hit him—

you're not average. You're below average. You're 5'8". Like, you're saying like a regular tall guy that's tall, right? Yeah.

Okay. You ever hit anyone in the face?

No, but I want to hit Dave in the face.

Oh, fuck me too, bro.

I'm gonna fucking whack you. Honestly, honestly, honestly.

Yeah.

If we had gloves, I'd beat the shit out of you. Like, I would really hit you if we had gloves.

Yeah.

Why would I put gloves on to get my ass kicked?

Well, I don't know.

No, I would— yeah, you could definitely beat the shit out of me.

Have you ever been hit in the face?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was standing right there. You got punched in the face.

When did you get punched in the face?

No, I got punched in the face.

I got punched in the face too. When?

You were there. Not as bad as mine.

The ambulance came for my fucking head. Yeah, it was a girl. The ambulance to come and get her. Not because I kicked her ass, because she was on drugs. I wasn't—

I wasn't around for that night.

Oh, you weren't there?

No, but I heard you got your ass beat by a girl.

That's right. I didn't get my ass beat. The girl punched— she was on drugs. I shined my flashlight on her on accident. Yeah, because I was filming, I was vlogging, right? And she goes, did you just turn that flashlight on me? And she fucking came and she sucked me in the eye or sorry, in the mouth, in the mouth, in the mouth. So my mouth was on and my mouth was a little bloody, like, like the smallest amount of blood. But like, I ran with it, right? And I was like, oh my God, because I was vlogging. So it was like really dramatic. And then we followed her because she was obviously on drugs and she was— and then she was hopping into people's backyards and fighting random people. And then the paramedics came and the paramedics had to tie her down to the chair because she was punching the paramedics and they had to take her. She was like on bath salts or something. I've talked about this story. That's why I'm skimming through it so quickly. But yeah, that was the one time I got in a fight.

You know, I always wonder, like that time I got sucker punched, if David didn't have a camera in his hands, would he have, like, stood up for me?

No, I will never get in a fight, bro. I fucking told you this a million times.

When did you get sucker punched?

At Vernon Hills Days at the carnival.

What year was this?

It's like 2 years ago. Really?

Who fucking hit you?

Some guy?

Some random guy?

Yeah, some random guy.

What happened?

My friend and I were driving out of the parking lot and like, this random guy starts like throwing like racial slurs at my friend. So I got out of the car to confront him.

Oh boy.

And his buddy out of fucking nowhere comes behind me and hits me right in the fucking eye.

At Vernon Hills Days, the most festive time of the year.

Yeah, bro. And nobody, nobody backed me.

It was like hardcore out there.

It was like, you know, like, it's funny because I was like a gang member, but nobody backed me up. Nobody.

And I was like, because it was a stupid fight to start.

I didn't start the fight.

Yes, you did. You got out of the car and you said, what'd you say?

You literally—

you literally— these kids, these kids were looking for a fight and you were just fucking roided up enough to go and fight these kids. Literally, that's all they— all they wanted was a fight. They were like screaming into our window, and then Ilya had to put it in park and go, what'd you fucking say? And then, and then when—

why does he sound like Scooby-Doo?

And when one of the kids backed away, Ilya goes, that's what I thought. And Ilya starts walking back to the car, and then he gets sucker punched. And then it all, it all ended after the one punch. Yeah, like it was over. But, um, I don't know why he had to go out there and fucking— I don't know why anybody has to get into any fight.

I would get in a lot more fights if I didn't have a bad shoulder.

That's the most— that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Thank God. Thank God you have a broken ass.

Knock the other shoulder out.

I totally would.

For what reason? What does it do for you?

Nothing. I just— I wouldn't, like, pick fights, but, like, I'd be more, like, inclined to be aggressive.

That sounds like you'd be more inclined to pick fights.

I don't know.

I got punched in the face by a girl.

For what?

What'd you do?

I didn't do anything. It was kind of like your situation.

You were vlogging and you shot the flashlight at her?

No, but she was on something. It's actually a crazy story.

And why'd she choose you? Were you talking to somebody?

No, I like was in New York, in Tribeca, midday. It was like fucking 5 PM, broad daylight. I get into an Uber and this girl comes like running in front of the car. She's in a white shirt covered in blood, no pants. Seen out of a movie. Me watching SVU every night, I'm like, she's been raped. So I open the door and I'm like, oh my God, are you okay? And she looks at me and she comes into the car, lunges and punches me in the face. And I mean, I'm wearing, I'm wearing a white blazer, and then my white blazer is covered in this girl's blood or whoever's blood she's covered in. Oh my God. And I'm in like shock. And the Uber driver proceeds to get out, clean his window from the blood instead of fucking driving away. And I'm in the car and I'm like, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And then she starts running down the street and I like see her. I call 911. I'm like, I just got punched in the face by this crazy woman. Like, I don't know what's going on, whatever. And I was on Citizen App and that's how I found out after, because I was like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. I'm not waiting for the cops. And then I went on Citizen, it was like, woman assaulted. I'm like, that's me. And I sent to all my friends and I was like, look at this shit. Well, I'm famous. I'm famous. I'm on the Citizen App. And I never knew. I like followed up. I like called the precinct and everything because I was so curious about what happened to to this woman because I was like, either she saw something because she was in like pure shock. She wasn't like homeless or anything. She was like 25, Asian girl, like looked super young, looked like she had like ran out of her apartment.

She just punched you?

Just punched me in the face out of nowhere. I had like a pretty bruised nose. It was really fucked up.

Wait, did she say anything when she punched you?

No, she did absolutely nothing. And then I was like, what the fuck? And she just was silent and ran away.

I liked how you were trying to help her.

I know. And then, you know what, you know what happened?

It is a beautiful story. Like, like Ella's instincts kicking in. Oh no, she was assaulted. Let me open the door. And then boom.

And literally the next day I go to work and I worked for Casey and I called Casey the story and Casey goes, and what did you learn from this, Ella? And I'm like, I don't know. He goes, never help people.

And I was like, okay. Damn, that's crazy.

It was insane.

Ella, do you think you could kick my ass?

Yeah, I think I also think that Addison Rae can kick your ass.

No way.

Okay, yeah, you should see your— she boxed.

Yeah. Okay, I don't think Addison— first of Um, with punches, it's a different story. I'd use my feet, so I'd kick, right?

I understand, but kicking—

I think I could kick your ass.

It sucks that it's a lose-lose.

Why are you saying kicking's not allowed? Because we're talking about— it's a lose-lose for me because I'm talking about hitting a girl.

Yeah, it sucks that like we will never know. Like, like, it would be so cool—

you're talking, Ella punches me in the face.

Like, it would be so cool, like, tomorrow, like, Ella's in like full gear and like you're in full gear and it's like a real fight.

I mean, honestly, I could kick your fucking ass.

You could kick my ass, but I also think I could kick your ass.

What do you mean? Like if I'm drunk and I'm blind? Like what happens? You gouge my eyes out and you have 3 guys holding me down?

I think—

I mean, you're a very small person.

Did you see her hit?

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure—

I believe we saw a video. No, I believe literally like 1, 2 punches.

I could probably even like push you to a wall, you know what I mean? Like, whoa, we do that. We do that in boxing too, that like, you know, some like like how it works. People like come at you and you have to like push them back.

Why are you grabbing my neck right now? Listen, no, I think—

I think if in the situation that I needed to get out of it, I would probably be able to kick your ass and get out of it. But if I wasn't like prepared, yeah, you could kick me.

I think if I was napping, if I was sleeping and you walked in the door and you went, where's David? I'm going to kick his ass. And Ilya quickly comes to my room and goes, I was here to kick your ass, and I had a little time to prepare. I think I'd be able to fucking kick your ass. You'd come in, you'd throw the first punch. What would you do? Tell me your strategy. Right in the stomach. I think you're right. I'll kick you right in the balls, and then you're immediately— I don't have balls.

Oh, that's also true.

I don't know, Jay, honestly, who do you think— who do you think would win?

I don't know. I saw her hitting the other day. I think she might just, just punch you out.

I think I could give you one. I think she might punch you out.

I also don't think that you'd be coordinated enough to land a hit.

A kick I can. A punch?

The punch?

Yeah, I don't— I've never punched in my life.

I'm not good. I just think I could give you one punch in the face and I'd knock you out.

And then I would win. You know, it sucks that like, because if like Dave does kick your ass, then everyone's like, Dave, what the fuck? Right? No, but it's—

I mean, unless Ella like completely consents.

Yeah, I think maybe if we like in a video, I'm like, I give my full consent to getting my ass kicked. No, I'm signing papers.

You can do it in like headgear.

I'll sign a waiver. David pays for my medical expenses. Can you get me health insurance, please?

Do you want your ass beat?

Sure.

Okay, well, she's probably dressed.

Okay, cool. Drop the mic, bitch.

How many rounds?

We'll go 4 rounds.

4. It was already promoted.

5, I think. 4 or 5 rounds. I think they will get tired after 1.

Oh, you're a little fucker. Hey, man, I got a question.

Yeah.

What do you think about alien abductions?

I mean, I've been abducted.

Not bad.

No, it's not bad. I was brought here to you guys.

And where were you picked up? Sedona.

Sedona?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I would love to do that sometime. Like, I think that would be really fun just to, like, go chase aliens and stuff with somebody.

Why do you say that? Like, it's like you can go, like, fishing. Why do you say that? Like, it's a normal—

like Area 51 and stuff like that you can go to.

Yeah, but you think aliens are going to be Area 51? They're going to be like the place you least expect it. Like, Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah. Like, why would an alien ever be there?

Aliens are so funny. Like, there was that thing a couple, couple months ago that, like, the government said they saw aliens, right? Government admitted to it. And then it's like, well, if they're around, then why aren't they like— why don't they have a YouTube channel?

That's why, you know, I'm so confused. It's like, why is it that, like, oh, you know what?

I—

you know what? There's a theory about aliens is that aliens are— which totally actually makes— is the only thing that makes sense. Yeah. Is that aliens are real. And the only time they come to Earth Earth is, um, to like fix situations. And they're like, they're us. Aliens are us in a future life. Oh wow. And they're coming back down to fix things here on Earth and then they'll leave. That's the only thing that makes sense, because other than that, why the fuck would the aliens not interact with us? Like, what code would they be breaking if they came down and they were like, hey humans, can we borrow some of your water? We'll give you Opitron. It's this new chemical we have that fixes all your diseases in exchange for some water. Like, how are there not intergalactic negotiations going on? That's, that's what I'm saying. Like, there's obviously aliens outside, and I'm sure there's aliens that can transcend through fucking black holes and time and all that, and that could, you know, have contact with us. I just— I think it's a little bit of bullshit. What do you think it's like when you get beamed up into a spaceship?

Um, you know, it's like really bright. People talk in a weird language.

Like, what if they just all speak Spanish?

Then I'd fuck too. I don't know Spanish either. Fuck too.

Yeah, but wouldn't that be like so great?

I'd be good. What the fuck?

Where are you guys from? And they're like in their Spanish.

They're like, yeah, hola, intergalactico. Yeah, and we're like, are you fucking kidding me?

You've been Spanish the entire time? I see. What?

Yeah, see.

Oh my fucking— this is amazing. Can we be my friend up here too so he can fucking help me translate? This is so crazy. We thought you'd like spoke a completely different language. It's been Spanish.

Yeah.

You still have trouble though? You still have trouble because you don't know Spanish that well?

Yeah, I'm like, does anybody speak— anybody speak English?

No, no, no English.

No English?

Are you fucking kidding me?

We're this close. So you know of English? Like, we're literally— that we're very close. So you're trying to tell me if I had paid attention in 11th grade, we could be having a conversation Right now, after some convincing, the aliens tell me that they only get one chance to beam up one human and they picked me so they can't go back and find another Spanish-speaking one. So now I have to fucking figure it out with these guys, right? They're like, you're our only hope.

But you're using Google Translator. Yeah. And spits and pieces getting out small.

Yeah. I'm like, oh my God, that'd be crazy. I'd love to meet aliens. If you think aliens listen to this podcast, Phineas does.

Phineas?

Yeah.

And he's a great musician, so maybe, maybe he's an alien.

It's pretty out of this world.

Yeah, he is pretty out of this world.

Maybe he is.

How was streaming last night?

Oh, I streamed for the first time last night.

How was it?

It was really fun.

It was insane, Jay.

Why? Tell me what happened.

He was fucking number 2 on Twitch, number 1 of people watching Call of Duty. Like, he was above any single other streamer on Twitch last night.

Yeah, at one point we had 50,000, uh, concurrent people on the live.

No, 55,000, which is insane.

Well, from Twitch, and the first game we played, we won. 1, which is like a really big deal. You know how tough it is.

Did you play with your friends?

Yeah, I played with Ilya, Mike, and, uh, how'd Ilya do? And Joe. Ilya did all right. It was just really funny, bro, because everybody was dead except me, and I got the final kill in like a really lucky situation. And that was the first game we played. Like, how perfect could have that been? Like, it was my first stream on Twitch. I'm gonna do more, by the way, guys, so go subscribe. But it was like, it was like fucking crazy that I had this like shining moment in my first stream.

Yeah, yeah.

And like, then it was clipped everywhere, like on Twitch. SportsCenter posted it. No way. And ESPN posted it on their fucking Instagram. No way. Like the official pages.

The dude who created fucking Call of Duty tweeted at him.

Oh yeah, the dude who created Call of Duty tweeted at me. He's like, how do I get in touch with this guy? And it was, it was, it was a clip of me getting the winning kill.

No way.

It was fucking crazy. It's like it was one kill and it like changed, changed my gaming world.

Did you like it?

I loved it. I had so much fun.

You'll do it again? Yeah, I loved it. People donated money and stuff.

The worst part is though, people in the game, there's this thing called stream sniping. Yeah, so how Warzone works is you're playing against 100 other players in the game. Yeah, but there's people now that they'll watch your stream and they'll try to find you in the game. So now they know where you are because they're watching you on your stream, and they'll come and try to fucking kill you, and it's unfair. And I killed one of the guys, and when you kill somebody, you hear their mic for a second. It's called the death chat. So like, I killed the guy and all you hear is, fuck you, David, fuck you, David. You hear for 3 seconds. It's really funny. It was my first time being recognized in the game. It felt really, really funny. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. You guys for listening. Make sure to tune in for more podcasts. Find me on Twitch. I'm gonna be twitching more. It's twitch.com/DavidDobrik. And, um, uh, I'll see you guys later. This has been a Views podcast.

We'll see you later.