DMing My Celebrity Crush

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. Jay, I have a question for you.

Yeah.

I'm going to start right here.

Let's go.

What's the angriest you've ever been in your entire life?

I mean, I like punched a hole in the wall once.

Why?

I was just broke.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. All right, so that's actually a good one.

You still punch holes in the wall?

You're really angry. Nellie, please. This is our friend.

I punched a hole in a door.

Did you hear what she just said about you?

You didn't hear me.

She goes, she goes, do you still punch holes in walls then? Because she's basically alluding to the fact that you're still broke. Do you imagine someone so close to you saying such nasty things about you?

I know he's not. I just thought it was funny.

Okay. Anyway, so in that moment when you punched a hole in the wall, you would say that you were most angry in that moment?

Yes, doctor.

You'd say When you punched the hole in the wall, you'd say that you were the angriest.

Yeah.

Okay. Now, in that moment, could you—

No, no, no. I'm going to tell you how much money I made last year. And you're going to be really angry.

No, no, no. Now, in that moment, could you have gotten a boner?

So funny. We were just talking about this.

What?

Well, Naveen said that I had a dream last night. I woke up in like a night terror last night.

Oh.

And then I had a boner and she was like, you were scared. And I'm like, I don't get scared and get a boner.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

Is this actually like goes hand in hand with what I'm about to ask.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Okay. So maybe this actually—

could I get angry and have a boner?

Yeah.

No.

Okay. That's what I would think.

Yeah.

So this leads me to my next question. Who has a bigger penis, the Hulk or Thanos? I think—

a really roundabout way for you to talk about Marvel.

Well, because I wanted to make— well, I wanted to make sure that you were taking into consideration that it is hard to get an erection when you're angry. And obviously the Hulk Yeah, when we're referring to him, I don't think we're referring to Mark Ruffalo's penis versus Thanos's penis. I think we're referring to Hulk. Hulk.

Yeah, yeah, 100%.

And even when the Hulk eases up a little bit, he starts to go less green and starts to go back to his regular state. So at peak anger, when you— right when you punch that wall— yeah, I'm not saying like you like lay down on the bed, you waited 10 minutes and then calm down a little and then you had a boner. That's normal. But at peak anger, there's no way you could have had a boner, right?

No, no way.

Okay. I think that honestly, that's all I need to— that's all.

What? So then I guess that nulls the question.

Yeah. I think it solves the problem.

Neither Thanos nor Hulk are hard when they're angry.

No, no, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying Thanos has a bigger penis because Thanos is eternally that big and purple.

Right.

And Hulk is only that big when he's angry.

I just think they have no penis. It just gets absorbed because there's so much anger and hostility and stuff. It's just inverted.

Wouldn't anger and hostility create a bigger penis?

I would think so, but based on your science, uh, I would think Hulk would be like—

oh, I see. Sorry, wow, completely went against myself.

I think Hulk would be chubbed, not necessarily like erect.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Could you also imagine having sex with Hulk and then you accidentally like step on his toe? That would be scary.

That'd be really scary.

So he turns into the Hulk while you're having sex with him. Anyway, welcome back to the pod. I don't know, I saw that on a question on a pod the other day and I was like, you know, this This is an interesting topic of debate for— I wrote it down. Because I thought it was very clear that obviously Thanos.

Oh, Dave, I want to thank you. I used your name in the thumbnail the other day, and it's my highest-ranking video.

Really?

Yeah, and I've been doing this every day.

Oh, the one with John?

Yeah.

David Dobrik's— what do you call him?

David Dobrik's assistant. Yeah, which he is.

Where you belittled him.

What are you talking about?

You belittle him every day.

Yeah, as my friend, not as my assistant.

He's still my friend too. I took him out to dinner. Okay, you got really mad that I belittled him, didn't you?

I just felt like bad. Why? Because he's not my assistant, he's like my friend.

What? He's literally—

literally made a whole video where you paid him.

Also, you had no problem calling me your fucking assistant for 8 years. You still call me your assistant. You still fucking say that shit.

But John's like not— John's not doing— John's here just to be be John. Like, John is more, more importantly than assisting, getting, getting paid just to not have to go to work and hang out here. Do you know what I mean?

Right, right.

So like, I categorize him as friend.

We'll start categorizing him as paid companion because that sounds so much better.

That's actually pretty good.

That's, that's a new video for me.

David Dobrik paid companion.

It's starting to sound very gay. Is David Dobrik gay?

Um, what were you saying?

Well, I just, both of my cars are in the shop right now, so I'm carless. —Oh my God. —So I had to— I've been Ubering around all day. I had to Uber here. That's such bad luck.

Wait, your Ferrari, how much does it cost to fix? Like $5,000. Dude, that's fucking insane. I would have just sold it right then and there. No. What? $5,000?

I still have to fix it in order to sell it.

What's wrong with your Ferrari? Would you ever call David and have him come pick you up?

Um, only if he's going somewhere with me.

But like today, you would be like, hey, hey, yo, dude, just come grab me. Absolutely not.

I mean, there's like no time, place—

It doesn't really make any sense. —or circumstance.

But isn't that a fun ride for you anyway? You don't go out. You're not leaving the house today.

Jay, I have so much. I've had so much fun in my life for picking Natalie up from the DMV or from the body shop. That's true. Doesn't equate to—

I was thinking.

Thinking? I was thinking.

No, I was thinking about this. I ordered this new mirror in my house and I can't put it up by myself, but I also don't want to pay a TaskRabbit $150 or whatever to come do it for 2 seconds. So I'm like, oh, most of the time, like, you would just call your guy friend or your boyfriend or something. And I'm thinking, I'm like, who in my life would I call to come help me hang up a mirror? Obviously not David. John, maybe. John would probably still make me pay him the same TaskRabbit price.

I would come for free if you let me vlog it. Okay. And Naveen's really good at hanging stuff. Literally.

So you'd film it and Naveen would hang it? I'm back in that mindset.

I'm like, oh, Taylor's going to the airport? Sounds like a vlog.

That's really funny.

Which is a really fun mindset to be in as long as it's not annoying everybody, but that's really fun. It's like, oh shit, yeah, let's go get subs with Alex.

That is really interesting.

It does allow you to like be with people. You're like, oh, it's cool.

I never thought about it that way.

You don't think about it like that? Uh, that's the best part of it. Yeah, I spent a whole day with Alex like learning how to DJ, and I was like—

I just like haven't filmed like people where I'm like casually hanging out with them, where I'm kind of scared to do that again, right? Like, like a good example is like when like Noah comes over to hang out Right. Like, Noah's kind of only— Noah's like, like a lot of my friends have entered my life post-vlogging. So like, nobody knows like that. I would literally would have like a camera, like I'd be like in bit mode and I'd be like, if a bit's coming, like my camera will fucking fly into my hand. Right. And like, I haven't done that with like my newer friends that I made the last 4 or 5 years here. So I'm like kind of scared to spook them and like ruin the non-camera vibes we have.

I think you just got to rip off— rip that Band-Aid off.

Yeah, maybe. I'm so nervous around Noah Beck. He's so handsome.

So handsome.

Do you ever find yourself in situations that you're like, I think that's really funny, like you being in the situation that maybe Taylor was supposed to go or like Jon was supposed to go, but you have to do it. Like you're above it. Like one time, one time they flew you on Frontier and you were so mad.

You were like, dude, that was like 8 years ago. I know, I know.

And you were like, I'm better than this. I work really hard. I shouldn't be on this plane. That's— it was really bad. Frontier's worse than Spirit. I was with you. Frontier's the worst.

Frontier is the worst.

You get a surfboard behind you.

Jay, you know how you've been looking to save money? Yeah, of course. You also want to go to concerts? Of course.

Yeah, that's my, my whole existence right now.

Well, you should get the app SeatGeek. Have you ever heard of it? What is it called? SeatGeek. Seat geek? Like a geek? Yeah, like nerd.

Like a nerd, but a geek.

Yeah, it's incredible, guys. SeatGeek is the number one rated ticketing app with over 35 million downloads. There are more than 70,000 events listed on SeatGeek. Including concerts, sports festivals, and more. So many artists going on tour in 2026, like Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga, BTS, Ariana Grande, Morgan Wallen, Zach Bryan, Zara Larsson, Cardi B, Chris Stapleton, Alex Warren, Demi Lovato, Olivia Dean. Oh my God, so many artists.

Olivia Dean, your favorite.

Olivia Dean, would love to go see her.

Are you going to go to Olivia Dean show?

I'm not much of a show guy. I think I'll just like play her in the car. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're trying to set me up to buy tickets on SeatGeek. Sorry. I'm like, you know what? No, I think I'm just gonna sit in the car. No, actually, yes, I am gonna go see her live using SeatGeek. SeatGeek has your back. Each ticket is rated on a scale of 1 to 10, so you know you're getting a good deal. Look for the green dots. Green means good, red means bad. Plus, every ticket is backed by their buyer guarantee. Concert season is right around the corner. To make it even better, you can use code VIEWS10 for 10% off your SeatGeek tickets. That's 10% off tickets with promo code VIEWS10. Click the link in description, download the app, and have the code automatically added to your account down so you can use it later. Thank you, SeatGeek. Yo, I was, I was talking to this girl the other day. This is, this is one of the worst parts about dating in LA, okay, is, um, I was talking to her and we just got into like celebrity crushes. And like the safe answer for a celebrity crush, like when you're seeing someone, is to always say someone that's like 40 or 50 years old. Someone that's like a crush. Do you know what I said?

Uh-oh.

Yeah, but she was just like She named somebody you're friends with.

I'm like, friends with.

And it's like, that's amazing. And like hurt my stomach. I was like, oh, okay.

Did you?

You know what? That's kind of crazy.

Yeah. No, that's really crazy.

It's like someone being like, yeah, it's like, I mean, to put a different perspective, it's like, yeah, it's like I'm out with my friends and I'm like, who would you want to have sex with? And she goes, Ilya. Yeah. Any chance if Ilya ever was like, can I hook up with you? I'd fuck him in a heartbeat. Like, that's what it's like. It's like really crazy. I don't know. That's what's weird about dating. And not even because, like, I know— like, I don't even know a lot of celebs, but like, at least I have like a story with like 30, 40% of them, right? Like one little moment I can remember. Like, oh, if I date this girl, she's going to run into him within the next 2 months.

Right, right, right.

She's going to— she's going to have like—

yeah, that kind of freaks me out. So what did you say? Did you have to like— did she backtrack or were you like— No, no, I didn't say anything.

I was like, yeah, he's really handsome. Oh yeah, man, I wasn't going to be like—

who did you say your crush was?

Like, I always say like Natalie Portman. Yeah, I'd never say like an actual like, like 25-year-old crush. Yeah, like I never say anybody like around my age range.

I feel like celebrity crush too is supposed to be somebody that's a little bit more like unattainable, right? Like it's like the dream. Like, no, not Naveen.

Naveen goes for like people like she, she could probably get. It's really funny.

Yeah, what do you mean? Well, if you live in LA I've realized this the other day too, which is kind of crazy. I never knew this. It's always been an ongoing thing. But if you're hot, if you're actually hot, really hot, and you're from Bumblefuck anywhere in the United States or anywhere in the world, you can literally achieve anything. You can marry. You can actually marry rich. It's not even like a— I feel like when we were in Vernon Hills, people would like, girls would joke about marrying rich and it'd be like this thing that was like, aha, funny, good luck. Or it'd be like, what does that even mean? But like, you can straight up, if you're a hot girl here, you can marry a billionaire tomorrow. Like, isn't that kind of crazy? Yeah. Like there is like the most serious pretty privilege that I've just like not understood until like, I guess kind of recently. Yeah. Like if you're like, I hate to spook you, Jake, cause I know you have a very hot wife who could marry super, super rich, but she chose you, which is a good thing.

She had her chance. That's the other thing. The thing is, you can marry rich, but it's not going to work out necessarily. No, totally.

Would you ever date someone that's like a super, super big fan? Yeah. Yeah, me too. Sure. I never understood that question. It's like, yeah, why would I not date somebody that loves the things I make?

I feel like, yeah, as long as I'm like, if I'm attracted to them and they're obsessed with me, doesn't that feel like—

Yeah, unless it's like, which is rare in our line of work. It's not like we're like musicians. Like where it's like an obsession where it's like posters on the wall and they're like, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's a little scarier. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not creepy. Yeah.

But yeah, no, I mean, I think Naveen's obsessed with me, but she's never seen the videos. She's never said that. But no, no, no. She's like, no, I believe you.

You're right. She's like, trust me, dude, this chick is into me. We've been getting into this thing. Yeah, Jay, your wife's obsessed with you. I would agree.

We've been getting into this thing lately where I've been getting in trouble because, like, I guess I do this thing where she'll say something and I just say the opposite. Oh, I, I, yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah, so like you take the opposite view. Yeah, John does it all the time. Yeah, you'll finish a movie and she'll be like, the CGI was really good, and you'll be like, I don't know about the CGI. Like, I feel like, like that.

No, no, almost more like maybe like Let's say somebody is like pissing her off. Oh, and then I'll be like, well, you know, you know, I mean, it could be this, like that. And oh my God, fucking drives her crazy. I'm always like that though.

Yeah, I am too.

You are like that. You are like that. You always take the opposite no matter what I say. Yeah, yeah.

But it's not even like, I don't know, I just like don't like— I hate hearing stories about people when my friends are telling me something. Like, if, like, if you came to me and you're like, this person's such a fucking bitch. And like, like, I believe you, but like, there's so many sides to every story. I can't just possibly take your word for it because you're my friend. I don't know why. Right. It's not that I'm going to be like, you're in the wrong, Jay, but I'll, but I'll consider that story most likely like null. Like, I'll be like, I don't, I don't, I will never know the truth. I'm still here for Jay. Right. But like, I actually like won't know the truth.

Like yesterday she had a doctor's appointment and then the doctor called like an hour, texted an hour before and was like, doctor has jury duty, so no appointment. And then she was just like, what the fuck?

Like she was pissed at the doctor.

Yeah, she was mad at the doctor. And then, and then I was like, what's up? She's like, he hates me, he hates me. And I was like, no, he doesn't hate you. It has nothing to do with you. Like he has jury duty. Like don't take it personally.

And that was like Oh, that's really funny. I see how that would piss someone off, but I'm totally on your side there. Yeah, this, this topic brings me to a thing that I want to talk about, is about the Titanic. So have you been seeing— or this has been like an ongoing conspiracy theory about the Titanic, that it's, um, some people claim that the ship that sank in 1912 wasn't actually the Titanic, it was her identical sister ship, the Olympic. So basically, long story short, there were people on board of the Titanic that were like some of the most rich and powerful people, and they were opposing the US Federal Reserve. Yeah. And those people died. And then since those people died, the Federal Reserve was, was allowed to get built. Okay. And then at the same time, I'm watching this like documentary. There was this guy who went down to explore. He was leading like this naval mission to explore the Titanic. But really that was a cover for— they were going to see some of their submarines that were sunk in war, but like they couldn't let the other countries know that. So they were saying that they were looking for the submarine or for the Titanic, and they actually ended up finding the Titanic. And not only did they find the Titanic, but the guy that found it initially was like, there were some things that were really interesting inside it, the way it like exploded from within, that it almost seemed like the iceberg was not the leading cause for why it sank. Oh, so like something happened inside. Wow. Like there was an explosion, a bomb detonation or something like that, or fire or anything.

So, and that enabled them to start the Federal Reserve because those people died. Really? Yeah.

And like, that leads me to what I'm saying about, like, what I'm saying about, like, when you come to me with an argument that you have with somebody, like, I know that's like one degree of separation away, but like the story of the fucking Titanic that happened in what fucking year was it? Long time ago. Like, there's so many years that have passed and so many different perspectives. Like, isn't that crazy? Yeah. Like, it's just like, how can we possibly believe what happened on the Titanic? Because it's been documented.

Like, I don't understand.

What does that mean? But how could you— what does that mean?

You're saying that the ship that went down was the Olympic and not the Titanic? That's what you led with? Yes. Okay, so it's a completely different ship that went down?

Yeah, the Olympic was damaged in an earlier collision and allegedly became too expensive to repair. So the ship owner White Star Line supposedly swapped the identities of the Olympic and the RMS Titanic. They allegedly sent the already damaged Olympic, renamed Titanic, on its maiden voyage. The plan, according to believers, was to stage an accident, sink the ship, collect massive insurance money, and save the company. But instead of a minor incident, it became a catastrophic sinking. Ooh. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Is that a doc that you can watch? I don't know.

I think so. I think the thing I'm watching is a little bit of like playing on the conspiracy theory. But yeah. So in the late 1800s, the Titanic sank or the early 1900s. But yeah, I don't know. I just like get like really confused about that. Like how can we possibly believe anything that's written? Also, I read like some quote that was like history is written by the people who won, which is like so fucking true. So it's like, What? Like, how do we believe anything in history books ever?

Well, there is a woman in the movie that goes out and, you know, finds the guy. Like, there are people that survived the Titanic.

Yeah, that are what, on a sinking ship? That's all they know. What do you mean? Those people that survived 9/11, that doesn't mean that they know how Bush orchestrated the attacks.

Your question was how do we know what happened? And I'm saying there's like survivors and stuff.

No, I said how do we know like how it happened? Sorry, I'm not saying that it happened. I'm not like doubting the sinking of the ship. I'm just saying, like, no one really knows. Right? Right. I hate conspiracy theories.

I hate them too. Hate them so much.

I'm so over them. I'm also over them because I think everything in history is a conspiracy theory. Sure. Like, I just think, I don't think anything's accurate. I don't think anything can possibly be accurate. I mean, yeah. Just not possible. It is not possible that everyone's getting all the facts right. It's just not possible. Like, how could you write about a war and be like 100% legitimate about it? Like, I don't care how many people are talking about it. Like, there's only so many people at the certain battle, and then, and then, I don't know.

Yeah, there's so many sides to everything. Yeah, whatever. Hey, you see, you can live at Lifetime now. Whoa, what? What do you mean? Yeah, David's favorite gym is called Lifetime, and he introduced me to it, and it is great. What do you mean you could live there? So they've built, um, Lifetime Apartments. Lifetime Apartments, yeah. From $2,000, you can get an apartment. $2,000 to $8,000.

Wait, where? Where?

Coral Gables, Florida. Green Valley, Las Vegas. And then there's like 3 other locations. I don't know where they are, but wow, that's pretty good. $2,000 to $8,000. You could—

you have basketball there, you have pickleball courts, you have everything, everything out to work.

You have trainers that come to your door. You have— you could work out at any Lifetime across the country if you live there.

Wait, that's an amazing, amazing thing. Lifetime is the best. Lifetime is the only thing that would make me do gym. Yeah. It's fucking incredible.

So fun and pretty reasonable.

Yeah. $2,000 for all those amenities. Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing.

I remember it used to be like 24/7 where we were. How much is a membership?

Must be $300.

It's over $300 a month.

Yeah.

So you can get an apartment for $2,000. No, it's incredible. When we were kids, we obviously couldn't afford the fucking day pass there because the day pass is like $50. Yeah. Maybe at the time, like $40. It's $75 now. Fucking unheard of. Oh, wow. But like, we would come and we'd stay there till like 4 or 5 AM. Oh, wow. So worth it. You're just hanging out at Lifetime. You have access to anything. The pool, the fucking gym, which you don't use, and the basketball court mainly. Or like the soccer field. They have indoor soccer fields. It really is like Disney World for people that like being active. Well, back to my Uber story. What were you saying about the Uber?

Um, because I Ubered here today and I got into my Uber and I think she like shit herself before I got into the car. Because I got in, I was like loading myself into the car and she kind of like side-eyed me from the driver's seat, like, like a little guilty, like side-eye. Like she thought you pooped? No, I think she knew what she did and I got into the car right after she released something that was just like a noxious gas. And she kept looking at me in the rearview mirror and I was like, yeah bitch, I know what you just did. And it's fucking stinky. She had her window down. She was like trying to air it out, but it was fucking brutal. And I just— and then I don't know if she did it again when I was leaving, because when I got here, maybe she was an alien and that's how she says hello.

And she was like sweating too.

I was like, something— I think she was— maybe I was her last ride before she had to go to the bathroom or something, but it was fucking—

she was sweating. Yeah, she could have had like a really bad stomach bug the night. No, that's what I'm thinking.

I mean, I feel bad. I didn't say anything obviously to her. I didn't want her to feel insecure about it. Obviously you didn't.

What would you say to that woman?

I would have been like, oh, do you smell that? Dude, you're a fucking asshole.

I'm just kidding.

Was there a moment where it was like, you can smell something and then she puts the window down?

She didn't have the window down when we first started, but she was like looking at me in the rearview. And then like, by the time we got to the end of my street, she had like rolled her window down. Hey, you got any good comebacks?

Yeah, I mean, I looked up comebacks. I think comebacks are so funny. Like this morning, Naveen came down. Naveen like roasted me yesterday. I went to the skin cancer doctor. I'm no skin cancer, and, uh, and, uh, which is great. And she roasted me at the office, but then I got her back this morning. She said, she goes, she goes, she goes, I'm coming down there, I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind. Oh, and I said, can you spare it?

That's pretty good.

Can you spear it?

Spare it, dude, you dumbass. Can you spare my mind? Yeah, like spare a piece, like don't.

I love dumb comebacks.

My favorite is when someone's singing a song. Yeah. And then you go, wait, who sings that? And then, yeah, that's good. Yeah. Kelly Clarkson. Oh my God, let's keep it that way.

This is the Vine we made back in high school. Oh, no way. Yeah, yeah, that's so good. I remember like driving through, it was like the end of the school day, and you were like, get in the car, and you didn't like tell me what we were doing, and you were like taking a lap around the high school parking lot. And he was playing One Direction. Yeah. And he was like, who sings this song? And I don't know if I said Harry Styles or One Direction or whatever. And he definitely said One Direction.

There's no way you were like Harry Styles at the time.

I don't know. Um, and then he was like, yeah, let's keep it that way. And then I was just like, just jaw dropped. It's so rude.

Here, if someone calls you fat, you can say this is because every time I fuck your mom, she makes me a sandwich.

I'm gonna start saying that to you. Are you trying to tell me something stupid?

I thought these would be a bigger hit. That one's pretty good. Well, my favorite's like, okay, here, respond to me just really quickly. Okay. You're fat, Jason.

No, you're fat.

Oh, if I wanted my own comeback, I would have wiped it off your mom's chest. Oh, that's good.

Oh, shit.

That's really good. That's a really good one. Damn. It's my favorite one. My dad used to do this one. You'd say, if someone goes, I'm thinking, and my dad would go, Oh, I thought I smelled wood burning. Yeah, I love that one.

I love that one. Or even just like when someone's just like, I had an idea, and then you just go like, I don't know what you say, but you go, thank God. Or like, wait, what do you say? Like, I didn't know you were capable of those. Or just something like that. I love that. That's funny. I love little ones like that. All right, now let's play a game. Who do you think the hottest woman on earth is today? I battle with this a lot. I think about it all the time. I'm always putting people in, like, I say a lot of people are in the top 5 of all time. Hottest woman today. So I'm talking about someone who's currently in their prime. Just throw out some names just so we could start.

Okay, Madison Beer is definitely up there, easy. Okay.

Um, this answer is so easy. Who is it? It's so easy.

Who is it?

Naveen Nash.

Why did I think you were actually gonna be like Wolfie?

She has somebody, but I'm not gonna say in case she listens to this. Really? I mean, there is an answer for like in terms of like hotness and like zeitgeist. Okay, who? Tatiana Taylor.

Oh, Teyana Taylor.

Teyana Taylor, yeah. Wait, what? That woman is like on fire. She's like all across from, uh, every, uh, fuck, from, uh, one battle after one battle after another.

Yeah. Oh, interesting.

I would say she's got— has everyone's eyes right now. And right, she's gonna win. She's gonna win the Oscar.

Teyana Taylor. Sorry.

Yeah, Teyana Taylor.

Tatiana Taylor. This guy loves his wife so much he made up a name. Okay. Yeah, she's definitely up there. Yeah. I'm going to go with— I don't actually have much time.

I mean, like Kylie Jenner, obviously the icon of all icons.

Kylie Jenner.

Yeah, she's just like, she's never going to leave there. So it's like, not even fair.

I think it's like, but I'm also saying like, who are, who are you? Yeah. Who are you? Just like Kylie Jenner is like a whole vibe. Like everything. She's like a curator of like whatever she does. Yeah. She's like the best of influencing of all. Sure.

You're talking about pure hotness.

I'm talking about, I'm talking about like, you're like, you're like sitting in like a coffee shop and you're face to face with this human being. Yeah. I think it genuinely is Madison Beer. I think it's very— I just think, like, Madison Beer in person is just as gorgeous as she is. Put it in ChatGPT.

See what they say.

But so is Kylie.

I'm not saying that, but I'm just saying, like, I'm just— I'm separating those two. I think—

Are you trying to get a date here, Dave?

I think if Madison's listening to this right now, she's happily taken.

I know.

I've just always thought about it. Because when I was growing up, it was like Megan Fox, right? It wasn't even a question, I don't think, at that time. It was Megan Fox, full-blown, full stop.

I'm trying to think of who else, because these feel really cliché. I mean, Tiana Taylor.

Do you guys get better with the younger people? I don't know the younger people. I mean, I would say Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie's a good one.

Ana de Armas is a good one. Ana de Armas is, I think, my new age celebrity crush.

Yeah, you like her?

I love her. You know, I had David Blaine DM her for me once. You what?

You had David Blaine DM her for you once? Yeah. What did you have him say?

I was just like, please can you DM Anna De Armas for me? Because like they followed each other. So I was like, please dude, just do me a favor. And he goes, okay, fine. And he DM'd her. He goes— Like reluctantly?

He was just like, okay.

No, he was like laughing about it. It was very easy. Yeah. He was like, I have a friend that's interested in you. Uh, did she ever reply?

Did he tell you or no?

I think she responded, but it wasn't about that. She just ignored it. I don't even think he got to the point. I don't even think— I think he like texted, hi, how have you been? And then blah blah blah. Yeah. So yeah, so I missed that. Yeah, one day, whatever, I know Diana Ramos and I will be strolling into the sunset. Doesn't she date Tom Cruise? Oh yes, yes she does. Oh, I can't fucking go after one of my best friends.

How can you do that?

I would never do that. Oh fuck, my bad.

David, I can't believe you would do me like that.

Does that day on the set of Mission: Impossible not mean anything to you? You're DMing Anna behind my back?

Imagine she leaves Tom Cruise for David. Dude, crazier things have happened. He'd be baffled.

I would be like, girl, there's something wrong with you. Tom would cry.

Something's wrong. Tom would quit filmmaking. Tom would be like, is this not enough? Um, okay, yeah, so I guess it's kind of up in the air or whatever it is. I also— have you guys seen this TikTok? This kid— this guy, not this kid, but this guy was saying, he's like, he has 200,000 followers on TikTok, and he's like, I need one of you, one of you, one of the 200,000 of you to tell me, where is there a new graveyard? I thought it was a really good—

oh, like we're just using the same graveyards? Like, what the fuck?

Why aren't we— why isn't it like, why aren't we popping up new graveyards? Like, oh, they're building a new one here. That is an interesting thing. Where the fuck are we putting these bodies? In cemeteries that already exist.

What do you mean?

Like on top of each other?

Yeah, no, I mean, like, you know, this— That already exists? Yeah, you go to Forest Lawn. Like, I was at a funeral at Forest Lawn and they pop them in. They just—

We went out there with my mom. Like, you think, like, I think it may be the easy answer is they're just cremating so many people that, like, everyone's bodies are kind of just at people's houses. Yeah, like just sitting over a mat. Like, you want to be cremated, right, Jay? I do, but most people don't. And your mom wants to be cremated? Yeah. Okay. And that's, that's in case you wake up in the middle of the ground, right? Very good. Yeah, yeah. Which is actually like such a valid point. Um, I don't know what's happened. It's— what do you mean it's happened? Oh, it's happened to people? Yeah, yeah.

It's rare, but it has happened. No, that's like a fair point.

Hey, what do you think I—

let's play a game. What do you think Wyatt's college costs per year? Oh yeah, 60.

How much? 2,000?

60.

Okay, I think 85. Okay, okay, go.

Who was closer? Yeah, David wins.

What? I guess really high. How much was it?

90. Oh, I know, Jason. $90,000.

It's like, for him to what, to play the fucking drums? What does he do?

No, he's just learning. He's not even taking like a music major. He's just going— he's just going to a really good school. He's learning. Isn't that crazy?

What's his major?

Is he studying?

What do you mean he hasn't declared a major? I think he's gonna be an English major.

He hasn't declared a major and he's going in and spending 90 grand?

I think you have till end of like sophomore year to declare.

No, I know, but shouldn't he just like know from like—

you have to like take courses towards that major. Is he gonna—

and he will. Yeah, and he has been. But don't you take like—

you have to get gen eds out of the way. Is that a word? Did I just make that up? Gen eds? That's a word. Yeah, I pulled that out of fucking nowhere. You know, I said wherewithal the other day. Did I use that on the pod? Yes. Yeah, wherewithal is a nice one.

No, it wasn't. Wasn't it in David's?

I think I used it here. I'm David, by the way.

Sorry, Nat. Are you getting quieter? Am I?

Or am I losing my hearing completely? She does this when you first meet her for the day. Yeah, this is what she does. It's so fucking annoying.

Do it, do it.

My voice isn't broken in yet.

She's— she— no, no, no, no. It's like this whole thing.

Everything about her, she's like a cat.

Everything about her is different when she first comes in the morning.

Is that what it is, David?

That's exactly what it is. I mean, it's like she comes from her house and she's like, okay, let's do this today. And then I'm like, Natalie, just fucking don't, don't forget where you came from last night. Last night you were shouting from the rooftops, right? Okay, so yeah, yeah, you have to break Natalie in. Like, when she comes in every day, she comes in, it's like 50 First Dates. Yeah, like Drew Barrymore. She forgets. Yeah.

Like who she is.

She really is, because she goes to the Zen place at her house, she gets fucking high, she takes a gummy. Oh wow. And she goes to bed like really quietly. It's just her. She has like candles lit and shit.

Wouldn't you love to just be like in the room, but like she doesn't know you're there and you're just watching? No, no, no. What she's doing?

Oh no, because that pisses you off?

I'd love to see her get Zen. It wouldn't piss me off.

I'd just be— I just know I'd be bored. Really? Like, I think she like does like— I think she like folds shit. Yeah, she folds shit. Like, I think she's like— I haven't folded something in a very long time. I think she's like standing over the sink and like making sure like things are pointing the right direction. Oh, it's like that? Yeah, she gets like excited about being home, like, I'm home, and then she like organizes things by her— her eye mask is like not touching her like water bottle, like weird shit like that. So I don't think I'd be like excited by it, but like—

oh my gosh, wait, I posted, um, so I did— there's like this trend it's on like the girl side of TikTok, but to do like red— I don't know if you've seen, but like red light therapy and like vibration plates. Have you seen this? So like in the morning there's like the health and wellness women that have a vibration plate that just like you stand on and it shakes you.

Like a scale, but it vibrates you?

Yeah, bigger than a scale, but like, yeah, but it vibrates you. It gets everything flowing, the blood moving or whatever. To get you to orgasm?

Like in the morning?

Yes, to make sure that you orgasm. No, just to get the blood flowing. And it's just really good for you. And then you also have like a red light. Why did I come over here?

I'm watching through the window. I just wanted to see the morning routine. Now she's just standing up. Why is she filming this?

She have a ring light out? Anyways, so I just got my vibration plate. I've had my red light for a while, so I've been doing this.

That's why you're so quiet.

I've been doing this combo whenever, and I posted it on my Snapchat, and I didn't— I don't— I don't realize like what friends of ours like actually watch my Snapchat, cuz it's very much like for the people that follow me, not for our friends. Sure.

And, um, yeah, like I don't watch it. For sure.

Yeah, you would never. But Zane watched it yesterday and this is my first time posting my like— I put goggles on the red light and the vibration plate. It's like a 10-second clip or whatever. Zane sends me a screenshot. He's like, what the fuck are you doing over there?

That's the worst when you get a text from Zane. Like, I once reposted something on Instagram by accident and he's like, haha, you fucking idiot.

Snapchat's funny, especially because it's like, it feels like your private life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it does feel like when like, especially someone as like funny judgy as Zane would be. Yeah, it was so funny for him to catch that. That's really funny.

I was like, get the fuck out of there, you're not supposed to be watching that.

Uh, last night we went to— we went to The Reserve. So our buddy Jack from Jack's Dining Room has this— I don't know, I don't even know what to call it. He just does these like ex— like these exclusive food drops.

No, that's a terrible way to explain it. It's like—

I was just trying to say something.

This is the guy you have a crush on?

Excuse you. Don't say that out loud. I'm just kidding.

It's not him.

I don't think so.

But close.

But I do love Jack. But no, he like curates these like elite exclusive dining experiences. Yeah, I've seen his stuff.

Yeah, of course.

And like, I walked away yesterday with a gift package. Oh yeah. Of like from this event of this ice cream. What is it called? Shoku Ice Cream. Shoku Vanilla Ice Cream collab with Lucky Charms. It was vanilla ice cream with the marshmallows from Lucky Charms in it. And it was all brand official. Like, you had the logo on there and everything. It was fucking crazy. Yes. Okay, sorry, continue.

No, I mean, yeah, that Shoku LA, like, does— they had— it was like an 8-course meal. It started with, like, omakase from these, like— I don't even know where they're from, whatever. Sushi? Sushi, yeah. A little sushi bar. And they, like, they hand-feed— they, with their hands, they're making this little piece of sushi and they're hand-feeding it to you, and you have to eat it with one bite in a specific way that the chef recommends. And then we go into like— then they open the place up for the dining experience, which is like a really beautiful place.

It's like a $70— I don't know, I think $70 million house or something insane. Yeah. The guy, like the Oakley mansion. I think he started Oakley. Yeah. How many people were there?

Like 30, 25?

Yeah, 20 to 30. Gosh. And it's like really— yeah, like, you know, like it's very, very nice and the menu is very curated and Like, this was a big deal for Natalie. Like, Natalie's been— like, Natalie's been fucking dying to go to this thing. We met the chefs actually 2 weeks before, and like, we met them at a party, and they're like, you're coming to this thing? And then we— I, I didn't— I wasn't familiar with their game at the time, um, but we got in the car and Natalie was like, do you have any fucking idea who we just met? And Ellie was like, the horniest I've ever seen her in the car. And I was like, dude, fucking take it easy. She's like, those guys are about to change my life in 2 weeks.

Oh, they were like talking to me about the menu. I just like felt so good.

I love fucking food.

Love, love food.

That's the way I could see you marrying a chef. Oh my God, I would die.

Yeah, wait, I don't even know why I never thought of that for her.

Yeah, it's like my dream. Um, but okay, so yeah, so, but like, just for like a little background on these guys, like the shoku, in order— first of all, you have to know, so like they have to be— you have to know someone to have this experience. And if you want to have the shoku experience, it's $1,500 a person. Okay. And they'll come to you, they'll set it up, whatever. Like LeBron James will do this and it'll be like $3,000 a person and he'll set up a 10-person dinner at his house or whatever with them. And they only do it like, it's very like, they only get a $30,000 experience.

Yes, it's insane.

But that's because of what, like the king crab that they got for last night's meal. She goes, she's cooking.

This is the passion in her voice.

I mean, not that it really makes that big of a difference.

Say the king crab. What was it?

Okay. The king crab that they got for last night's meal comes from the one guy that catches the best king crabs for all the restaurants around the world. But this was the biggest king crab that he's caught all season long. And that's what they served to us, like the biggest and best one.

And all the cows that they pull from for the wagyu, they're like a dynasty. So these cows are like royalty, basically. I mean, I'm explaining— You're not kidding. No, I'm explaining in David Theroux. I mean, these cows, whatever cow land they're from, like they rule shit there. Like we're eating the prince and princess of cows. And like Jack was explaining to me, but just for a second because he's very busy, but he was saying like basically these cows, that like each piece of meat comes with like a piece of paper that says what the cows have been through. They print the notes. Like how incredibly treated these cows have been. Right. You're tasting the most stress-free cow ever.

Like, could you tell the difference in the bite? Yeah.

Like, you could tell this cow lived to, like, its full age and was— and, you know, died a happy death with his family, with his cow family holding his hand right at the hospital, being like, see you later, cow dad. Like, these cows, like, genuinely lived a healthy, full life, and that's what you're eating. So it's like a really—

gonna die honorably in David's belly. Yeah.

It's like a really big deal. So, yeah, we had the dinner. It's really incredible. Hell yeah. Uh, did you get drunk? I was drinking a little bit. The best part about it is, you know me, I don't like fish.

I was gonna say, there's no way you ate the crab.

So this was the best part. Across from me that was sitting was Adam W. Yeah, who doesn't eat pork but loves fish, right? So we traded. I gave him all of my fish meals and then he gave me all of the beef and pork. It was incredible. So it was like the best of both worlds because, you know, they don't serve that much food because it's, you know, it's like a very fancy place. Yeah, but I had double of everything. Oh great. And there was one time, because I'm a fast eater, that I ate Adam's— I ate my burger so quickly and Adam's burger so quickly that they were still passing out the burgers. And they came by, they're like, oh my God, Adam never got a burger. So they gave us a third. No, so you didn't need it? Yeah, of course.

You had 3 burgers?

Yeah. So I got—

not like 3 little burgers.

Little burgers. Yeah, little burgers. But I am so quickly that they thought that— sure— that it— that they had to deliver more to him. A little trick. Yeah. No, it was very—

I can't believe Anna Darmus didn't fucking DM you back.

No, I If she saw me there, she would have loved it. Um, but yeah, so it was a really great time. Shout out to The Reserve and Jack's Dining Room. It was an incredible experience. Please have us back. Yeah, you made Natalie's—

we made a HelloFresh meal last night. Oh yeah, that's wonderful.

Hey, that's good too.

And I'm also like, not, you know, like Natalie's very fine dining. I was telling Natalie I want to put something together like that but for my favorite fast foods, because I feel like I have the same taste.

PJ does that.

Yeah, the chain.

Vijay Novak does that.

Oh, he does, for the chain.

That'd be a fun thing to do here. Yeah, like a chain.

That would be great. What would you do though? Like, would you do Taco Bell?

I'd start with Taco Bell and probably wrap it up with Taco Bell. Yeah, just leave it there. Yeah, yeah, like, I mean, I mean, like, the quesadilla— they now have this Volcano Quesadilla that I absolutely love. What? Volcano Quesadilla? Yeah, they got rid of the Quesadilla and they went Volcano. I don't know what their problem is with the Quesadilla, but they can't keep that thing on the menu for more than fucking 3 weeks. They keep like putting it on and off. It's fucking pissing me off. Anyway, yeah, I do a Baja Blast. I do the like the little Cinnabon munchkin balls. And then of course, I think the best fast food burger in all of America. This is going to be—

Five Guys.

Kind of controversial. And I'm talking what it means to be American. Like when my cousin came from Slovakia, I took him to one place. Granted, I didn't know Five Guys at the time. I didn't know In-N-Out at the time. Wait, what year was this? This was like 2010. Okay. Okay. But I still kind of stand by like, what tastes the most American when you have a burger?

Yes.

We're on the edge of our seats. I know. Just get ready. It's a Whopper.

Oh. Oh yeah.

It's a Whopper is, I think, and I'm not saying it's like the, the greatest, but I think what tastes like, oh, this is what a burger— like if I've never had a burger and I'm an alien, you give them a Whopper. Start here. This is the— this is a burger. And then you— and then you, you know, you go, here's In-N-Out. This is really good burger. Yeah, but I just think like what the Whopper is the equivalent to the Krabby Patty in SpongeBob. Mm-hmm. Like it's just like— it's just like classic and that's what makes it so special. Well, that's all the time we have for this pod, guys. It's a good place to end. Go and have a Whopper. Thank you for everybody listening. Jason. Yeah, uh, you want people to donate to your GoFundMe for your son's school? Yeah, please. And then comment on the podcast, go watch daily vlogs, go check out Natalie's, uh, managing, and we'll see you guys for next week's episode. Bye!