David Searches For His Manhood

What's up guys, welcome back to Views! I want to put the rumors to rest. I didn't get my ass eaten by Sky Bree.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry, we need to address this. I didn't know you're going there.

Sky Bree started a rumor. Let me give you the full details. It was in the last vlog, but I don't think I was clear enough in the vlog of what happened.

Not at all.

So I went to Sky's house because I've been seeing stuff on the internet that's like SkyBree was doing a lie detector with the classic lie detector guy that everybody books in the YouTube space. It's just one guy. It's kind of crazy. He must make a fucking—

Did you know there's lie detector lady?

It's his wife.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's married a lie detector person too, and they go around together.

Well, it's the only way they can both be honest with each other, right?

Yeah, you can't lie in that relationship.

No, nothing's getting through. But so SkyBree, who is a—

Who is SkyBree?

I actually don't know, like, where— I know her from the internet, right? She told me she used to do porn.

What kind of internet?

Well, I genuinely do deadass did not know her.

Do you know who she is? Like, is she a big— she's the biggest maybe, or pretty? I know that. I know.

You know her as a porn star? Yeah. Oh, I just know her. I just know her as an internet, like, personality.

Got it.

So I didn't, I didn't know that. But she did a lie detector test and someone asked her, did you Did you eat David Dobrik's ass?

Yeah.

And she's like, yeah, I did. Here's the story. And I was like, what the fuck? And then I'm thinking to myself, I'm like, okay, so maybe, you know, 2019, 2020, wild times. Something must have slipped through the cracks, quite literally. And Skypree must have slipped through my crack. That's what I was thinking to myself. I'm like, okay, so maybe she did eat my ass. I hope somebody's eating during this. And then she told me the story of what actually happened. Okay. She posted a video in an elevator of her actually eating somebody's ass.

Okay.

And the guy just so happened to look like me.

Okay.

And it went viral. And then she tweeted it. She quote tweeted it again saying, "My upper lip still smells like shit." And then it went viral again because that's a pretty funny thing to say.

Yeah.

And then people started to say, "Is this David Dobrik?" And the person she did it with, where she was actually eating their ass, wanted to remain anonymous at the time. So she told me, she's like, "Who can I pin it on?" And she goes, "Fuck it, I'll do David Dobrik." So she just ran with it, and then that went viral. And then ever since then, people have thought I was in the elevator. There's a picture of this guy getting his butt eaten by Sky Bree, and for the last 4 or 5 years, people have thought that it was me.

And you're so stupid that you looked at the picture and you're like, "Mm, 2019, could have been me." I didn't see the picture. Okay.

'Cause again, it like, it became like, it became popular again on the internet.

Right.

And it like resurfaced.

Mm-hmm.

And I didn't know there was a picture with it.

Okay.

And like, and like Joe, Joe Vulpes was telling me, he's like, so was that you in the picture? And every time he kept saying that, I thought he was just kidding. Like, I thought he was just like adding to the joke, like there's some like photo of me getting my ass eaten. But turns out it was a real picture. But yeah, so, um, Sky, um, Sky did not— yeah, she did not eat my ass.

And so you just DM'd her and was like, hey, I want to— I'm coming over.

I messaged her, like I got her number through a friend, and I was like, can I come by?

Yeah. And then she—

I don't know if this was a joke, but when I came by She had the fireplace on.

That's ass-eating time. And then she turned it off because she saw I was with Natalie. Natalie the buzzkill.

Yeah. What a cockblock.

Yeah.

And I didn't think anything of it. I thought that was part of the joke.

Okay.

And then she said it in the vlog. She's like, I genuinely thought you were coming over here because you actually wanted your ass eaten.

Right.

Not saying that she would or anything.

Sure.

But it looked like she was down to maybe figure it out. Yeah.

And you're like, why the fuck did I bring Natalie?

To see if we'd mesh. And I'm thinking to myself, do I really need to be vlogging at a time like this?

Natalie, go to the car. We got to get to the bottom of this. The bottom of my ass. The deep, deep bowels of my anus.

No, seriously. And Natalie told me, she's like, when I walked in, Sky gave me a look like, oh, you're here too? So this is not ass-eating time? I don't know.

I think if I had to bet on it, she's not being funny. She was being for real.

I don't know how much of it is true. I don't think so. I think, I think honestly it was like she was playing the gag.

Yeah, she's doing a bit.

I think she was doing the bit. I think she turned the fireplace on as a bit. She turned it off as a bit. You know what I mean?

But I mean, what a great capper on her.

She was like method acting the whole thing.

What a great capper it would be to finally really eat your ass and go out there. I mean, that would be the end of a beautiful story.

I think. Yeah, I think it is.

As that was going on about you for the last, like, 5 years, was— did you think it was funny, or is there part of you like, wait, that didn't happen?

It wasn't that big of a rumor. It wasn't like a camera—

It really heated up in the last couple weeks because I'll tell you something, I heard about it and I was like, I'm not going to embarrass Dave in front of Alex Ernst.

Asked me about it. That's when I was like, what?

Right.

And then, and then, yes, I had some friends like from my, like, my going out days that were like texting me the clips and they were like, yo, is this true? And I obviously had to play it cool with everybody and be like, fuck yeah, dude.

I think that's weird to send that clip to somebody and be like, yo, is this true? Really? Yeah, but maybe I'm too like pent-up.

A lot of people sent me the clip when, uh, when the Boom Boys were on the airplane. Yeah, asking me if it was real. I was like, what? No, it's not.

You shot that well, I guess.

Like, I don't even like to ruin like the magic behind videos, but I feel like that is obviously—

the FBI called me and asked me if it was real.

Yeah, it's like, obviously I don't want to ruin the magic. Like, there's a SWAT team on the plane and they appear in 3 seconds. Like, I don't think we were trying to sell that as, like, real.

Tell us what you did with the Boom Boys! Tell us what you did with the Costco guys! It was a— it was a sketch.

Do you think— how many secrets do you think that, um, people have gotten away with till, like, till their death? Do you know what I mean? Oh, sure, a lot. Like, I'm saying, like, what's the biggest secret, do you think?

Like, probably have like a gay relationship, a gay lover. Like, you're a straight guy.

That's not what I'm saying.

You're trying to tell us something?

I'm like, how long can I go without telling everybody about the true story of me and Skye? Um, no, no, what I'm trying to say is like, I always wonder like how many people like successfully like save the world from quite literally exploding or like terrorists attacking. No one will ever know.

Oh, like what the president knows? Remember like Obama? They're like, they were asking Obama on a talk show. He's like, what, what did you see? And he's like, 'You don't want to know what I saw.' No, he didn't say that.

He did.

Really?

Yeah, he's like, 'There's things— once you become president, they give you a book and you get to see—' You're talking about National Treasure: Book of Secrets. No, I saw Obama say this. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what— I don't watch Nic Cage movies, but is that what happens?

That's fucking crazy.

I know, I know, I can't. I'm not a Nic Cage guy. Wait, why?

He just—

he seems like he's kind of boring. He does the same thing in every movie. Yeah, same.

He does Nic Cage. It's incredible.

I get it. I know people love him. I'm just not a Nic Cage fan.

Oh my God, he's so good. Is he?

Maybe I got to take another look. But it's always like, oh, this and that. No. Yeah, but it's like, what are you talking about?

I know, it's so good.

Give me an example. What's your favorite Nic Cage movie?

Uh, there's one where he's going, no, no, no.

Well, it's like Andy Samberg's impression.

My favorite is like Knowing. Knowing?

What's that?

Or like National Treasure. I love National Treasure. National Treasure is like right up my alley of like movies I love. Like, I love, like, things. I love, like, Book of Secrets. I love, like, Area 51. Yeah, I love things like that.

One time, Naveen, she goes to me, she goes, hey, she goes, there's a new Nic Cage movie. It's a Black comedy. It's about Nic Cage, and he has dreams, but he only sees Black people in his dreams. And I was like, oh, that sounds fucking amazing. I'm like, are you kidding? And she's like, yeah, yeah, we gotta watch it. It's on Netflix. And then we like Go to Netflix and it does say black comedy, but that's not the plot at all. It's just a dark comedy. Oh, okay.

So it is a comedy. Yeah. Okay.

But isn't that a much better movie?

Well, I have, I actually have a question. Yeah. But I don't know why that, what you just said kind of made me think of this, but tell me if you get this joke. Okay. Ready?

Okay.

So this is a TikTok, but you don't need to watch it to understand it. So the caption is, this is the caption. When you travel to an alternate universe where Jordan Peele didn't direct a movie in 2019 and Nintendo didn't release a console in 2006. Okay. And this is the video. Ready?

Yeah. Oh my God. Stop. There is no us. There is no we. What? I don't get it.

Do you get it? It's so good. No. Oh my God. I'm using it as a true test to see— To see what? See who around me—

Who sits on the TikTok all day?

Who's really good at humor.

Oh, get the hell out of here.

Just who is the king of comedy in the house?

I'm the king of the comedy in the house.

Okay, I'm gonna give you one more chance. Okay, go ahead. I'm gonna give you one more chance. Ready? When you travel to an alternate universe where Jordan Peele didn't direct a movie in 2019 and Nintendo didn't release a console in 2006. Ready?

Uh, what?

We are going to regroup.

Oh my God, stop! There is no us. There is no we. That's the kind of humor you like? It's so good.

Oh my God, is that not so good? If you—

if I worked in an office with you and I came in and you were like the guy next to me I would fucking ask to move desks.

Is that not really good?

It's so corny.

No, it's not. That to me is like—

Us and we.

That to me is like 2025 humor. No?

I guess.

Did you hear about that guy? So there's this guy, his name is Terry Watanabe, and he lost $350 million in the casino.

Good job on that last name.

Well, I'm reading it right now.

Even reading it. Watanabe.

At one point—

how much did he lose? Huh? How much?

$350 million. Shut up. And the bulk of it was to Caesars. And not only that, but it was only in 2.5 years that all this happened. And he was living in the suite on property. So they're basically like, they were taking care of everything. And, uh, he lost it in 2 years, right? One of the years he lived there, uh, Caesars Palace reported him as 5.7% of their earnings. Oh my God. Was one man. And I think— I don't— I think there's a new law now where you can't— a casino can legally not allow you to lose this much money. Wow. Where this is the most that'll ever happen in a casino.

So what happened to Terry Watanabe?

I don't know, actually. I really didn't watch it that far, but let's just say—

the worst about Instagram is like, we used to like read stuff and you'd get the full story.

Oh, I think it's so cool.

But no, I want to know what happened to Terry Watanabe. Really? Yeah, let's look it up.

This is Terrence Watanabe, and in 2000, he put his share of his toy company up for sale after working nonstop for 20 years, which was eventually purchased for over $250 million. But Terrence found very little satisfaction after retiring.

Is this cheating?

Years old, stating that his job was his life and only focused on his company.

Look, is this—

sorry, is it cheating just playing a thing on your podcast?

You're just scrolling TikTok through the whole thing.

Guys, I'm gonna go get a drink, uh, listen to this, and I'll be back in a second.

All right, my turn. I'm gonna pull one up. I know like Joe Rogan and stuff will pull up things or whatever. Yeah, yeah, but it does feel like cheating. No. Yeah, yeah, I think Joe Rogan does it in like a smarter, more intelligent way.

Well, he'll actually sit there and like, you can learn.

No, I'm absorbing this. That's fine. Okay, I'm going to finish it. Yeah. Okay, does feel really cheap. Don't— just don't edit the vlog while I'm playing, cuz it genuinely does feel like I could go anywhere right now while it plays. All right.

Aaron began to spend large amounts of money purchasing multi-million dollar properties all across the United States, but everything changed for him when he took a trip to Las Vegas and started hitting the casinos. Terrence immediately began being well-known around the casinos for being a high-stakes player, which led to multiple casinos giving him exclusive benefits to stay at their resort. Terrence then fully moved to Las Vegas from his hometown in Nebraska, where it all came downhill from there. He began blowing hundreds of millions of dollars in Vegas from 2005 to 2008, where he eventually ran out of money and was sued by casinos for owing them money. The cases were eventually dropped and Terrence was forced to move back in with his family. As of today, Terrence is 67 years old, battling prostate cancer without the funds for treatment. Where are they now? Wow.

So that's the interesting part.

Catch me up. I was getting a drink from the fridge.

Yeah, Dave, come on back.

The clip's over. Is the video over?

But then, so they just dropped the case. He doesn't have to pay the money. Like, what happens?

I think that's it.

But so you can't go to jail. So I go to Vegas right now, lose fucking $30 million.

I think somebody will come and kick your ass. No, not—

that's old Vegas. They don't do that anymore.

Okay, well, they're not gonna lend you that much money, but I think he had— I think he lost $250-350 million. Yeah, I assume he owed the casino probably another $10-20 million. I don't think he owed them— do you know what I mean? Oh, you're saying— like, if you're spending that much, they're giving you credit because they just assume it's gonna keep coming.

Oh, they're like, we'll take your $350 and let's just call it.

That's crazy, is that not?

Yeah, there's something about that too, like when you lose, that isn't there a part of you that's like, hey, this isn't real, right?

Did I ever tell you about when I lost the money? Did we talk about that on the podcast?

I don't know which time. You lost money a couple times.

Well, I lost money gambling.

Yes, on the stream.

Yeah, yeah, like a lot of money. And it was— yeah, I don't want to say how much, even though I've probably already said how much. I'm just gonna not say it again. Sure, because it was a lot. And I remember I had money in my account and I was like, I'm just gonna play with it. I'm gonna double it. I want to buy this car. So I'm gonna get there, and me and John blew through it in 15 minutes on my bed. In 15 minutes. It was over $100 grand.

I wasn't gonna say it. Yeah. I'm not gonna say it, but fuck you.

I think you need it for— and it was— this was a couple years ago.

Sure, how'd it make you feel?

It was one of the craziest experiences ever. How so? Well, so I put in money into like online gambling. I love it. I love doing that. Yeah. And I told myself, I'm not going to put anything else in. I'm just gonna play with this. And to be fair, it started way lower, but I built it up to that over months. Oh, months of gambling. I brought it up to $100. Okay. A little more. And then one night I was like, I'm just going to fucking double this bitch. And I didn't double this bitch. I started betting and I chased my losses in blackjack, and I've never in my life lost 6 hands in a row. And I lost 6 hands in a row. So I was doubling. I doubled my $2,000 hand to $4,000 to $8,000 to $16,000 to $32,000 hands. And then you lost. And then you're out. And it was in literally 15 minutes. And John— John is probably the worst person to sit next to while you're gambling. Like, John and I did it so consistently where we were doing it like every week. Like every week, 3 times a night we were gambling. You remember that?

Like, I was going to say it was almost every night.

I think it was every night.

I didn't enjoy what— like, I would always go to bed, but I'm like, fuck, am I missing out? Yes.

And all our hometown friends love gambling, so they would like FaceTime in. It was like a big communal thing. Like we weren't just like being degenerates, but then you get to the moment where you're like, ah, Mike is asleep in Chicago. Wouldn't it be cool to surprise him when he wakes up and be like, guess how much I won last night? You know, like doubling my money. So yeah, so I really went for it. And John's just horrible to sit next to because Alex, everyone in the house trusted John to pull the laptop away from me if things got out of hand. Why would you trust John? No, I know, I know. And obviously that's on me. That's on nobody else. But, but yeah, he's just— he, he would do like one of those things where he'd be like, no, don't bet that. Let's see what happens. He would give me one of those. And yeah, and then we lost it. And then I remember, I remember I had to tell Natalie and Ilya the next day. And like, I was like, really? Like, I couldn't sleep and it like really hurt me and I couldn't sleep.

Not because of the money, just because of the like addiction.

No, it was just like, no, it was like the addiction. I don't. I don't actually find a problem with the addiction. I like can do it properly. Like, I kind of just stopped after that. I'm not necessarily addicted. Oh, Nat, you're here. Nat.

Yeah, I remember. Yeah, you— when you told all of us the next day, you were like presenting it in a way that you like murdered somebody. Exactly.

And that's what I did. Nat, do you remember? Nat, have we talked about this on the podcast?

What a conscience you have. Huh? What a conscience you have. Why? Because most people would just be like, oh yeah, fucking lost it. Well, but it weighed on you.

It was horrible. Now, do we talk about the podcast when I lost all that money gambling?

Uh, the $275?

Back the fuck up. Oh, Natalie. Oh, Natalie, that was beautiful. You may have fucked up David getting his ass eaten today, but that was wonderful what you just did.

You may have cock-blocked me, right?

Yeah, we thought it was— he said it was $100.

Yeah, I said it was $100.

Oh yeah, it's $275.

Oh, now I see why you're upset. $275 is a lot more than $100.

Yeah, yeah, well, okay, now that I'm being honest, it was $475.

No, no, no, not—

no, now that I'm being honest, this is why it was a problem. It was— it was— it started at $100. Yeah. And then it got to $275. Got it. From my gambling. But then I wanted to speed it up. I wasn't doing my thing.

You were down $275? No. Oh, you put in another $175,000?

No, no, no, I gambled from my $100,000 and I made $175,000. Got it. Yeah, but like, that's the problem. It was in my account on the computer, so when am I gonna pull that shit out? You don't see it, so you're never gonna walk away with it. And it's got to the point where I was playing every day, and I had a system, and my system is— actually, I have the most incredible, powerful gambling system in the world. It's the word—

You DM me.

No, it's the word dad. The word coach. Right? It's the word deadass. So I can deadass myself to leave the table because deadass is like my holy word. Yeah. So if I'm like, deadass, if I lose $10,000 tonight, I'm done playing. And this night I said no deadass. I was like, I'm not going to deadass myself. I'm just going to go for it. That was stupid. So, so now I know.

And then when you came downstairs and presented it to Natalie and Ilya. Yeah.

How did I present it to you?

I mean, I fucking Well, he was very like humble and like demure about it because he knew that he did something very bad.

He comes in the room, he says what?

He's just like, like his tail is between his legs and he's just like, I did something last night and you're not gonna be very proud of it, like proud of it or whatever.

They were looking at me like, yeah, like I literally killed somebody. And I was like, okay, this is good, this is good.

Yeah, I mean, he went—

You did that on purpose, right?

Yeah, he took us to the worst place ever. And I knew that he was like gambling a lot and I was like, you should really like, 'You don't need to be doing this. This is insane. Like, John does not need to be like facilitating the gambling.' Everything just burns here when Natalie leaves.

It happened so fast. It was $1,600 and then it was $275. I don't know. I don't know. It was, you know, just really tried to pull the laptop away, but, uh, you know, he kept saying, 'Going, going.' I said, 'Okay.' That's really funny.

But then, but he like, before I, before anybody could even reprimand him, he was like, 'But I did ask myself, I'm not doing it.' You know, he told himself that he was not going We doing?

So this is what John, this is what John told me. And also it was $275,000 at the time. Yeah. Today it'd be like $700,000.

Because it was crypto.

Because it was all in Bitcoin. Crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah. So yeah, completely stupid. Whatever.

We move on.

We move on. But this is what I told John. I was like, well, it would've never stopped. Like, and if we did this, if we did this for another week or two, Yeah, the loss would have been even greater because I would have built it up to whatever, $350, $400 at the time, and we'd have lost it there. And, and it genuinely stopped me from gambling online. Like, I don't, I don't really gamble online.

Also, wasn't it—

I have been playing with Steve though, low-key, and it's kind of fucking lit. I may jump back into it just a little bit. I don't have a problem, which is— I, I want to make very clear, that was a thing that I learned from that time gambling. And now, deadass, I'm going to use deadass all the time as a stop, stop loss for myself so that won't happen again.

Hey, Alex is gonna explain this baseball player to you. Oh, I think it's interesting.

Okay, I actually don't know that much, but we can—

let's do it. Okay, well, I know a lot about Shohei Ohtani.

Oh, very good. Yeah, yeah, I feel bad about sports because I'm like not into sports anymore. I used to be. I did acid when I was younger, so I don't, I don't like sports anymore. But, but then when I hear something like this, I'm like, oh fuck, I'm missing out. Yeah, somebody like that, that's who's that great.

Yeah, you know, so I looked into it and it was, it was, it was a game basically where he hit, where he struck everyone out and he hit 3 home runs. Yeah, which like people don't do, right? You either maybe get away with doing one or the other.

Yeah, like 3 home runs in a game maybe happens, I don't know, 5 times in a whole season.

Yeah, you're maybe your best offensive player maybe will have 3 home runs in a game, not the pitcher. Okay, right. Pitchers just don't hit.

How frequently is a hitter a pitcher? Never, right?

Really, really rare. There's maybe like one other guy in the league that does it, and they're not—

I just feel like I could do both.

No, you couldn't. I'm kidding.

I just wanted to get Maddie pissed off.

I was just— I just froze.

I was just like, you're so turned on.

So turned off.

So, uh, no, no, those are my favorite TikTok comments. When someone does something, the comment is, guess what my ego says? It's like people saying that they can do it. It's always guys. It's always when guys do something stupid. Yeah, that's impressive.

It's really cool. Like, it makes me want to watch the World Series. It makes me want to—

but all the comments were like, yeah, but his last game he batted a.135.

They were like, yeah, he's been really shitty in the playoffs.

Okay, okay, but maybe he's coming up now. Yeah, but he's, he's, he is the best player of all time, period, right? Like, that's not really up for debate.

In terms of adversity, not adversity, in terms of versatility. Diversity. Not diversity. Oh, diversity too. He's Japanese.

Wait, did we go to Japan and did we see him like all over there? Is he like—

I don't think so. What happened? Did he play in Japan first or did he start here?

Yeah, no, he played in Japan first and then he came over here. Unreal.

Nat, where's the weirdest place you've gotten your ass eaten?

In this movie room.

The Tech Week panel. Wait, now have you ever had something— The Tech Week panel? Whoa, did you do something at the Tech Week panel?

Tech Week was wild this year. People were getting their asses eaten.

In the green room, I got crazy.

I had my speech at Tech Week. Yes, how did it go? We gave the podcast a little before. How was it? How do you think?

I thought he killed it. He was so good.

Al, you were in the audience. Were you impressed?

Yeah, I heard he got laughs.

I mean, like you said, those conferences are just— they're really hard to listen to, especially if you're not in the business world. Like, I tried, but they're just— they're so hard to listen.

They're so hard to listen to.

It's like church. That—

it is like church. I will say though, I had a really cool priest in church and he actually told good stories. Yeah, so you're like the good priest. And I think we all— I don't think there's that many good priests. This guy was fucking lit. Yeah, yeah, I think he was like from like South Africa or something, and he had like really good experiences like to everything. Our priest's like— did he like you? Uh, he told me bless up every day. He did?

I don't know, that's what he would say.

No, I, I don't know if he did.

You cause trouble?

Did you cause trouble in church? No, no, no, really? 100%.

Oh, I can't— and I don't believe you. What, dude? There's no way you didn't cause trouble in church.

All I did in church was I would sit in my pew and I would take the little calendars. Yeah. Or not the calendars, they give you like a little, like every week they have like a little pamphlet. And I would color in a bunch of things with pencil or colored pencil or whatever I would bring. Yeah. That's all I would do. And then for the other half, when I didn't have to stand, I fucking hated standing in church. But when I got to sit, all I would envision is a shooter walking into the church and me flying through the pews, like literally like a superhero and blocking the bullets from hitting the priest. That's all I thought about. John Wick. Every single time. No, not like John Wick.

No, like David Dobrik.

No, like Superman. Like Superman. Like, literally all I thought about—

taking the bullets bouncing off your chest. Yes.

Oh, hell yeah. And then like— and then I'm just like, I'm just like, yeah, no, it's no worries, guys, let's just keep this a secret. That's all I thought about every time in church.

I went to church once and I was the only Jewish kid in my town, and they're like, come to church. We were all hanging out, having the best time, and they're like, Oh fuck, we gotta go to church, we gotta go to church. And I was like, ugh. And I was like, they're like, just come, just come. And I was like, no, no, no, I don't wanna. And they're like, come, come, come, it'll be fine, it'll be fine. And I'm like in church, I'm like sitting there and I'm like, I don't know any of this shit. And then they're like, okay, we're going up for communion. And then I'm like, I don't know what to do. And I went up to get communion, they put it in my mouth. Yeah. And then afterwards the guy was like, he pulled me aside and he was like, are you Christian? And I was like, no, I'm Jewish. And he was like, you should not take this communion. Really? And I got in a lot of trouble.

Oh my gosh, that is the worst.

I was like, it's just a cracker, bro. Okay.

No, not being able to take communion is like the most embarrassing thing in church.

Wait, that's why?

Yes, because everybody—

you put your hand on your lip and he like rubs your forehead.

Everybody in my family tells me to stay back in the pew. Everybody in my family is baptized. They all take communion and I stay back in the pew.

Why is that a problem? You could just sit.

Wait, you can't take communion if you're not baptized?

The worst is when you saw a hot girl at church. Sorry, I'm pivoting a little bit, but yeah, you get a boner. Yeah, no, oh my God, no, not a boner. No, it was just like, it's tough because you're just like, get a skybri, because you're just like, you're with your family and you're like in high school and you're like trying to be cool, but then you see the hot girl and you're like, I'm not here with my family, I'm here on my own. You're like, I'm not here on my own either, I'm not even I'm not even here. So it's like kind of tough, but then you're like, I am here. She loves church.

So it's, uh, the dorkiest outfit ever that—

I mean, I look like a fucking loser.

Your big butt when you were 11.

It's funny how you have like morphed. Like you are, even though it's like hard, it's like you are a man right now and you were, you were a little boy.

And that's what I know. I do struggle with that, that I am a man. Yeah. Finally, we're getting to someone. Do I have man-like features? No. Like, um—

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're weird. You're so weird. Right?

You're so weird to look at. No, really?

Yeah, and you're so weird. You go back and forth. You're like a shapeshifter.

Wait, are you being fucking—

I'm being dead serious. 'Cause you know how I remember I told you when I saw you on TV when you hosted the Kids' Choice Awards and I like, and I got to be behind the monitor and I was like, "Yo, this motherfucker looks good." But then when I would look at you on the TV, I'm like, "That looks really studly." I would go out and look at you in real life and I'm like, but you pop on TV and then yes, sometimes you're manly and sometimes you're like, you're like a salamander. Yeah.

Like, I just feel like if I was to shake someone's hand, yeah, like, would they feel like they're shaking a little boy's hand or would they feel like, oh, this guy's got— this guy's a man?

It depends because you carry yourself, you like fight it, you like fight the man from coming out of you. But in some scenarios Yeah, literally. Now, in some scenarios you will. Like, if we're at like some Hollywood pish-posh party or whatever, like, you will turn the man on.

No way, you've seen it?

Yeah, of course.

At DiCaprio's party?

Where have I seen— I've turned it on at DiCaprio's party for sure. Yeah. No, come on, where have I been actually like a man?

I'm just trying to— like, what are those, like, magazine, like Variety or Hollywood?

I was a man there.

Yes, actually, you know what, you know, actually, I think it was the moment that comes to mind. We were at Château Marmont for some event.

The bar or the real chateau?

The real chateau. Oh, up top? No, not up top. We were down in like the lobby.

Where did I pee next to Chris Evans?

No, we were talking— you were talking to Leo, actually. Oh, okay.

For like—

this is before— before we—

oh, I remember.

This is before— this was your first time, I think, actually ever interacting with him. We were just like in a little circle, whatever, and it was like some magazine was throwing some party and David got invited and we felt like you felt like a fish out of water. And then somebody introduced you to Leo and you like, you had to like pull yourself together to like be mature adults and like, and not, you know, you wanted to come off like that's really funny.

And like, I knew it. I knew that was it.

And you conversated like a man. Like you weren't just like a goofy little fucking weirdo.

He's, um, he's, he's a man for sure. But he's also really cool and funny.

Yeah, he is. Yeah, he's really funny.

But I think you only get that when you're really his boy. Yeah. Which is like, which is like pretty cool.

Wow, so cool. I was, uh, I guess I did it like a man.

Well, you can pull it together. You just like really try hard not to.

Were you super turned on?

I actually was like, I was like really impressed.

I was like, this is really cool.

I think there is something that happens to a guy in their 30s.

I love how I'm just like saying words. You just like glaze over me saying, were you super turned on? None of us thought that. Like, people listening are like, wait, hold on, are they dating? How did that just slip under the cracks?

But were you turned on? Uh, I wasn't like, oh my God, I'm gonna go home and try to fuck David.

Oh my God, Natalie was horny the other day. Do you remember this? Yeah, you remember this.

No, I don't.

Oh my God.

When she does the classic, like, hey, should we all sleep together tonight? Like, every 3 weeks she does that. No, no, no, that's not what she said. We were in the RV. It was It was me, Alex, and Zane. And Natalie goes, isn't it crazy? All 3 of you can run a train on me. Oh, that's what she said.

That is my favorite thing to do. 'Cause there's—

you may have heard this before, but this isn't a repeated story. She just said it literally 5 days ago. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I'm like very often in scenarios, like I'm with you guys. Like there's no women around. I'm the only woman. And I'm just like, with you guys and you guys are always like talking, you're always— men are just horny and I'm just kind of there.

An RV was the perfect drop for that. Yeah.

And you're not like directing. It's never directed towards me. It's like we're always talking about other people.

I wasn't really expecting that. She was like, it felt like the right moment. And I was like, really? Like, I'm just on the 101. I'm just like driving. Like, I wasn't— I didn't even see it.

Yeah, but we're like stuck together in this sweaty RV for 3 hours.

Okay, I guess I kind of see it.

Well, and there's a bed in the RV. Like, it's like, you know, everyone could take turns. Oh, whoa.

The joke really hits actually. Yeah. I didn't know you thought about it. I'm just kidding. Okay.

But I don't think Zane's heard it before, so I really want to just like— I want to try it out.

He was sleeping. You just said it to me and Al, dude. You fucking freak.

I don't remember.

You wasted it. That's not even what I was going to say. I feel like it's too gross what I was going to say. Yeah, it's disgusting. Go ahead. It's too gross. No, it's too gross. Let's see. Okay. Natalie was really horny. Okay.

I actually wasn't. I just like— I didn't date it on. You—

well, you— she loves to test to see if you're a beginner.

You get so riled up when I like talk about like anything sexual.

She's talking about a guy and I was like, oh my God, dude, you're like really into this right now. She was giving all these scenarios and stuff. I can't say it, it's really gross. Wait, what?

I don't even know if I know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I don't want to say it, it's too gross.

Oh, you're teasing the listener now.

No, no, no. All right, I can't. Wait, what?

Just say it.

No, it's like so gross. Okay, it's— I was like, wait, deadass, are you wet right now?

Oh. Deadass, are you? We should put that on a t-shirt. Deadass, are you wet right now?

And she didn't answer.

And then I was like, yo, I was like, deadass, deadass. And she goes, fuck you. And I go, deadass. And she goes, deadass, yeah. It was crazy. And I was like, oh my God, that's what happened. Yeah, it was insane.

Why is that so gross?

Because I just don't like saying it. It's gross. Anyway, what were we talking about? Natalie being a man? Nothing. When have you seen Natalie become a man? When do you see Nat turn it on?

When do I see Natalie become a man? No, no.

What were we talking about?

You being a man with Leo. Okay.

At parties.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that being a turn-on.

But I do think there's something that happens. Like, it'll happen.

Oh, that's what you're saying? Yes.

And like, it'll happen to you. Maybe in like 2 years, 3 years, maybe when you're like 35, you're just like, oh fuck, okay. It happened to me. Whereas like, I always— people always thought I was gay. People always— I was always like, I don't know about this. And then you're like, you just come into yourself. That's all.

I think so too. Like, I don't think I've hit— like, I still think I'm like—

you're still pretty young.

I still think I'm in my 20s. You are. Even though I'm like ending my 20s, I still very much feel like I'm right in the middle of them. Mm-hmm. So yeah, but I definitely am waiting for the moment where it's like where it hits me, where I'm like, oh fuck, wait, I'm like—

it's already happening. I'm 40. You're less fun and fun every day.

That is true.

It's so true.

But I don't know if I'm like, yeah, I don't have the energy for things. No, I don't even like stay downstairs to watch movies with anybody anymore. I just go to bed. Yeah, I just like— I love going to bed at 9. We're up right now, which is kind of crazy. It's 11:30.

I always want to go around, do stuff with you. You're like, I don't have the energy.

I know, I feel really bad. Like, Alex Ernst always says this, and it's so sweet. He goes, you want to go play? Yeah, yeah. Like, and that just means like you want to go like shoot the shit and maybe like get some vlog stuff. Yeah. And I'm just like, I just like, Al, if I walk out that door, I have about 10 minutes of battery, and then I'll have to be back in here. Wow. Yeah, I don't know. I just can't like— I'm really good at like when we're vlogging, like give me a premise. Yeah, right. And like, we can go and I'm totally down to go do it. Yeah. But if we're just shooting the shit for 6 hours like we, like we did when we were 19 and 20. Yeah, I'm going to fucking gas out like really quick. Okay. All right. That's the key.

Give you a premise. Yeah.

Like, I don't have— I don't have the battery as— okay. As we did before.

But I had sleep paralysis the other night. Yesterday, actually.

Whoa.

Oh, oh my God.

I've had that.

Dude, yeah, wait, this is funny. What? What?

What?

Well, you don't remember the joke I said earlier? I know. Yeah, I just thought it was funny. I came down, I was like, I've had the craziest recurring dreams lately. Yeah. And then Natalie was like— I told my story of the dreams, and then I slept here last night, and then Natalie's like, I had sleep paralysis. And I'm like, oh, save it for the pod. And then I joked about how like I just didn't want to hear the story. And then I joked again that when she'd bring it up on the pod, I'd be like, just tell us in private. But okay. All right. The floor is yours. What happened?

Well, I don't really know. I don't really know how to interpret this one, but I was at, like, I was fully caught. Like, it felt very real. Obviously I felt like I was there and I was like, I was in control of like what I was doing, but I also wasn't at the same time. Like, um, I was at a house, an old, like rundown house. My family was living in it. And my car, my new car, was parked outside in the street. And somebody— there was like a group of like hooligans.

Your new Ferrari?

Yes, my new Ferrari. Okay. And there's a group of hooligans that had like broken it all, smashed it. And it's the middle of the night. Yeah. And, um, I like woke up my mom or my sister, and we like came outside, and I ran up to them, and I was like, get away! Like I was trying to shoo them away, and they were like— but I couldn't like get to them. And then I was like trying to run at them, but I was like frozen. Like I couldn't, I couldn't run.

Okay, so where's the sleep paralysis, you dumbass?

Well, I was just paralyzed. Maybe I don't know what sleep paralysis is.

Well, for me, sleep paralysis is like when you wake up in the bed.

Yeah, no, no.

And you can't move and you're looking around, you're like, fuck, I can't move.

You just had a dream. You just had like a dream.

Should have saved it for the pod.

Should have saved it. —for somewhere else. No, no, no.

But I was like— but I— but I— yeah, so I— but then when I woke, I was awake here. Oh, OK.

There we go. There we go.

Yeah.

But I was like frozen.

But then I was like— You're just making things up now. I don't know. Maybe. Yeah, you could just tell you're just fucking— Then I woke up and I was— I couldn't move. Jason, what did you say exactly? Sleep paralysis twice? Is that exactly what was happening to me? No, that is pretty crazy. I hate you.

I'm so glad I could share.

Wait, can I tell my story now? Yeah. Because I want you to analyze it because I brought it up earlier. Okay. And Joe and Ferris were like, yo, you got to tell Jason that because he's the master dream analyzer. Yes, yes. I've had this recurring dream. I'm not kidding you. Okay. 3 times now. And I remember it every time. And I know it's a dream when I'm in it, but it still bothers me so much. Yeah. That like I'm like crying in the dream. I'm in tears. I'm in tears. Okay. Okay. This is going to—

this is crying in the dream or crying in real life?

This is going to be the most first world dream you've ever heard of. Okay. Okay. I can't wait. No, it's very short. It's—

I couldn't find the key to my Ferrari. It's very close.

I'm in a new house in the hills. Okay. But it's not this house. Okay. And I think I sold this house because I was going to get a good deal on it and make a lot of money. That's— that is why. I sold it because, you know how I always say I could get a lot of money for this house and I'm going to— I got to sell it. Yeah, I sold it for like $16, $17 million. So like $8 million over what I bought it for. Sure. Just to make money. And now I'm in this other house that's the same price as this house, but not this house. And I am in fucking tears looking across the hill at this house and seeing other people enjoy it, like in tears. And my accountant is calling me like, just wait it out 4 or 5 years, maybe they'll move out. And I am just fucking like, maybe they'll move out? Yeah, like, what? They'll never move out. It's the perfect house.

It's Alamar.

They'll never move out. It's the perfect—

you haven't lived there, Jim. No, you haven't played pickleball.

They'll never be able to leave. Yeah. And it's— it brings me to fucking tears. What is that? I actually just described the dream as perfect as I've ever been able to, like, recite it. Did you feel it? Do you feel like why that's really troubling to me? Yeah. 'Cause like—

A long time ago, I would have analyzed this dream a lot differently and a lot deeper, but I know you really well, and I know you're not that deep. Okay, okay. And it's just literally strictly you fucked up and sold the house, and you're pissed.

Okay, but I didn't sell the house.

But you sold the house that you wanted, and you made a mistake. That's all. Right, that's what the dream is. You sold this house and you're mad that you sold it.

But how does that correlate to my real life? I think it's just— because you're obsessed with this house. It doesn't. You're obsessed with this house. Oh, that's it.

That's all I get. Okay, now if you want me to dig deeper, I can, but that's gonna be an extra $50. I mean, I mean, if you want me to dig deeper, I can. Okay, but on the surface, yes, you love this house so much.

Do you understand why this, this is like the— it's like very bizarre dream for me to have. It happens every single time.

Oh, you've had it multiple times? No, no, Jay, Jay.

Multiple times. Oh, to the point where I wake up and I have to think, was there another house that I'm living in right now? Like, and like every time it confuses me because it always goes back to the same house. It's the same house that I'm back inside of looking at this house. It's— this is such a fucking lame—

the only thing I can think of is, you know, you're, you're under a certain amount of stress to live this life. And to stay here in this house. In other words, this life that you've chosen for yourself where you have to, you know, perform at a high level and make videos that, you know, make people happy and do well. It's a very stressful job.

I don't read it like that. Okay. All right. How do you read it? I read it like— I knew it.

I just fucking love this house. I knew it.

No, no. How do you read it? It's more so that like that like the offer of making the money over what this house means to me. Oh yes, that is very you. Should be rendered like non-existent. Like there is no price to put on this home.

There's no price on the memories that you can have with Natalie and Alex and Ilya and John.

Yeah, and I'm like, I'm really tied to this place. Yes, yes, yes.

You are very sentimental.

Like I'm telling you, I'm goofy about everything, but when the California fires were going on and John and Al John was, for some reason, class clown that day. He was motherfucking Louis C.K. in the fucking— in the great room. He's like, "I'm gonna fight off the fire with this sword!" And he'd pick up random things. He'd get a pool stick and he's like, "I'm gonna fight off the pool stick!" And I've never been the serious guy ever. This is the only time where I've been like, "Guys, I've—" and I never say this— "This is my home." Yeah, yeah, yeah. I own— like, I own this home. I pay for it and I love it to death. Yeah. Like, this is everything. Like, you guys can just move.

I know you've gone full Marnie in here. You could—

I love this place, Jay. Yeah, you went full Marnie. No, Jay, I don't know. Okay. No, no, I get it.

That's exactly what it is. Okay. That makes perfect sense.

So just if I ever get an offer to sell this house, make sure to remind me. I'm going to remember because I have the stream too often.

Tell Jon to take the laptop away from you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn, I have— I should go see a therapist. Oh yeah, that didn't go well the first time because I had sex with her. What? You didn't know?

You ate her ass? Yeah, she ate your ass.

No, I'm kidding. Natalie, you're not gonna see it. Natalie always makes a joke that me and my therapist were in cahoots.

Yeah, because you were. You like fucking became her best friend. I'm like, that's not what's supposed to be happening here. We were vibing together.

Yeah, she didn't look taxed at all when I met her. She was just like, okay, and tell me, Jason, tell me about Natalie. I'm like, what? What are we talking about?

All right guys, that's all the time we have.

Hey, real quick, who would win in a fight, Tom Brady or LeBron James in a boxing match? LeBron. LeBron. I don't know. I think Tom would win.

It's like not even like a question to me. Tom's older, he's shorter. Really? You think?

Yeah.

And LeBron's just like bigger.

LeBron's fucking huge. Are you kidding me?

He's— yeah, but I feel like Tom would find a way to win. He is. He is the GOAT, right? Yeah. Okay, never mind.

Well, no, I love this.

I thought this would spur something.

You thought we'd go another 45 minutes?

Yeah, yeah, I thought we'd actually get Tuesday's done.

All right guys, we'll see you later. Bye. You didn't thank us. Fuck you, Natalie.