David's Looking for a New Co-Host

What's up guys, welcome back to—

yelling at me!

What the hell?

Stop yelling at me!

Let me start.

You've been nothing but a dick today.

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason obviously has a problem with me and wants to address it even before the show begins.

Oh, I've got a laundry list.

You got a laundry list?

Yeah, that's funny. What were you gonna say about—

funny to save a laundry list if you're— all your fucking clothes are dirty.

Oh really?

Yeah.

Well, you know what, your mind is dirty.

My mind?

I see the way you look at my girlfriend, looking her up on Pornhub. You're gross. God damn it, we need that money.

Okay, roll the intro.

We want to Bali.

Roll the intro music. All right, what's up guys? Welcome back to my podcast where I let Jason be my co-host.

You think that was a good intro?

Yeah.

What are you trying to— you got somewhere to be?

What do you mean?

I don't know, what kind of intro was that?

Oh, you think we just sped through it?

I, I felt like it. There was nothing going on with it. There was no snazzle to it.

Who cares? No You know why we're doing this shit.

To make money.

To make money.

Yeah, I was gonna say so we could get closer as people.

Yeah, sure, sure.

And try to reach some, you know—

What's your laundry list?

Well, number one, you know, I was driving over here tonight and you're racing by me in your car and whatever. I got a bunch of stuff to talk about tonight, actually. And I just thought to myself, How fucking nice would it be if David pulled that Tesla over, waved me down, and said, hey man, let's grab some sushi before we do this podcast? I thought that would be so fucking incredible. And then my next thought was, oh no, that would never happen because David is joyless. You live a joyless life. I mean, I've never seen anybody, we get invited to go places, you get on the plane at midnight, you land at 6, and then you wanna leave at like 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

I agree.

I don't understand. When are you gonna stop and just smell the roses?

I think it's all gonna hit me in like a couple years.

Oh, you're gonna have a big breakdown in a couple years. And I can't wait to vlog it all. And when you say, Jason, no, don't film this, I'm not gonna listen. I'm gonna fucking run that tape.

Yeah, I will be honest, I think there's something coming. Yeah, I think there's a big storm coming, and I think I'm just gonna fucking get destroyed. I don't know, I don't know what's gonna happen.

Well, you went through this huge thing where you're gonna stop the vlog possibly, and then you didn't. Yeah, and now you're, you're back in the saddle.

And I guess, I guess you kind of just, you kind of just said, you kind of just had a big secret there, huh?

What?

I was gonna stop the vlog. Yeah, people didn't know that. Yeah, 4/20. For a long time.

For months we talked about it, endless.

And it was like, months where we were— it was supposed to be my final vlog.

Yep.

But I guess I don't want to give away the rest.

What? Well, tell them.

Well, why it didn't happen.

Yeah, tell them.

Well, we have— we had a show idea.

And don't come back after this and say, I don't want to put that out on the air.

I'm just gonna— I'm gonna keep it short. We had a show idea. It didn't— it didn't go the way we wanted it to.

Great show idea.

We had a great show idea. We still do. Um, and it didn't go the way we wanted to, so I stuck with the vlogs, and now I'm back to square one. I mean, not square one, square 444, or whatever fucking vlog I'm on.

How does that make you feel?

I don't know.

You feel like that's a failure?

Um, no, not a failure. Like, I really think everything happens for a reason. It sucks, but like, whatever. Um, but it just sucks that like, I don't know, it's like I'm in a good spot to be like feeling shitty, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, you went, you went through this right when you were about to quit. You went and you shot this, um, this pedophile bit. I rented a night. I remember you were like gonna quit maybe. We were like, we were all talking about it, and David's like, it's good.

Oh yeah, yeah, I was gonna stop, I was gonna stop the vlog, and then I shot a bit with an ice cream truck, right? Yes, where, where there was like a kid getting snatched up by an ice cream truck.

Yeah.

And yeah, it wasn't a bit, it was a real prank. It was a real prank where we were gonna see if our little— if our friend's little brother would get inside an ice cream truck if we offered him free ice cream. Yeah, and that's when I had like this realization. The guy we were with, um, Matt, uh, Matt Cutshall, we asked him if he can play the ice cream man. We— I don't hang out with Matt a lot. I know him, he's a great guy. And he goes— and we're riding around and he goes, this is, this is amazing, dude. You have like your own fucking TV show.

Yeah.

And I'm like, what? And he's like, you— I mean, you could— you can literally film whatever you want to film. You don't have to get anything approved. You have a budget because you make enough money. I mean, what more can you want? And then I was like, holy shit, dude. You're fucking right. What am I— like, this is it. I guess I love doing YouTube. And then I had this realization. I'm like, I don't want to stop, because I'm really fucking digging this. I can post whatever I want on YouTube. I don't have to report to a CEO of NBC, or it doesn't have to go through 7 people's approval process.

But also, probably people out there listening, like this audience, if you like, for television everything has to be looked over by a million people, and on YouTube you don't have to do that.

Yeah, I mean, I, I don't know if you guys know that, but yeah, if you're on TV, the real pain in the ass, if you're on TV, it's a pain in the ass to get any, especially now. I, I would feel like everyone is so sensitive about everything that everything can fucking not work. But, but on YouTube, on YouTube I could post whatever. Okay, go back to your breakdown. Oh yeah, is that coming? Yeah, I think it's coming. I think it's gonna come in the next 3, 4 years, and I can, I feel feel it in my bones, you know? You know, like before like a storm hits, you know, the calm before the storm? This is fucking it, bro.

What do you think's gonna happen?

Um, a lot about— I think I'm gonna— I think I'm gonna grow a beard and go to an island or something. No, I think there's gonna be a lot of crying. There's gonna be a lot of crying, and it's gonna be a lot of me inside my home. Yeah, being like— I bet you I will say this line maybe 40 times. I'll be like, uh, I have such a nice home, but I can't even enjoy it anymore. Like, $10, I will say that. Maybe $50. I know there's a breakdown coming. I think everyone is do for a breakdown at least 4 or 5 times in their life, and I'm fucking overdue.

I'm over kind of a low number if you ask me, but no, but like big ones, do you know what I mean?

I know you've had like 40 in the last 3 months.

I cried last night when I looked at my new car.

Really?

Oh yeah.

Why did you cry?

I couldn't— which, I have something else to talk to you about my new car.

Wait, why'd you cry? Is everybody talking about my new car and how much it sucks behind your back?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who's— who's been talking about it?

It's like me, Heath, and it'll be It'll be Trisha.

Liza said it sucks.

I mean, Liza said it to your face. She went, yeah, she went average, average person goal or something. Average life goals.

Okay, she drives a fucking Jetta.

Okay, but listen, Jason was— we were all shopping for new cars. There's a bunch of us that got really nice cars. A bunch of spoiled little twats, all of you are. Listen, it's a beautiful car, but tell them what I got. You got like, I don't know, like a fucking Corolla. I don't know what it is. No, he got like an Infiniti, and he was looking for like a, you know, he was, he was at Range Rover looking for like $200,000 Range Rovers, and then he was looking at brand new Escalades, and then last minute, we're shopping, we're buying an Escalade, it's a nice Escalade, it's an expensive Escalade, Jason makes good money so he can afford an Escalade, and then the next day, a fucking, like this Infiniti pulls up, beautiful Infiniti, like don't get me wrong, like if any of my friends got it, I'd be like holy fuck, and I still liked it, but he blindfolded all of our friends and took us out to see, it was literally, it's like buying a brand new Volkswagen, like it's like, It's, it's great, it's congrats, but Jason, we know how much fucking money you make, you know what I mean?

Yeah, but it— you know what, I, I thought a lot about it and I was like, it didn't fit my personality to like buy a white Range Rover Autobiography.

Sure, sure, sure.

It doesn't. It's just not me.

It's really funny. It's really funny though that you got like an average car because, because you did, because it—

I—

Well, that was the joke, that it was average.

I know, but it's just like, it's funny. But yeah, everyone, everyone after was like, what the fuck did he just get? Yeah, even Trisha. Trisha was like, David, weren't you fucking with him? Why didn't you, why didn't you tell him something?

Yeah, Heath was drunk the other night. He came over and he was like, yeah, you know, because, you know, everyone's been talking shit about your car, how much they hate it. Oh really? Yeah. And I was like, oh really?

That's so funny.

You know what, fuck you guys.

Congrats on the new car and congrats on saving, because who needs a nice car?

That, that's what I didn't like, the Escalade. I was just like, what do I— it just didn't fit my persona.

Anyways, we have a tour coming up.

Oh yeah, we should have talked about that.

We have a tour coming up. We, we had some scheduling issues that literally fucking came up out like yesterday, and we had to cancel 2 of the dates.

Yes.

Which is which one?

We can't do Pittsburgh, and we can't do Denver.

Yeah.

Because of other prior work we have.

And yeah, really sorry, but everyone's getting completely refunded.

Yeah.

And we'll come out to those places soon enough.

But June 9th in Boston, that'll be our first show.

Yeah. But the rest of the 7 cities are still on. So if you can make it to those, please come. Our first show is in Massachusetts. If you live anywhere near Massachusetts, come say hi, 'cause it's gonna be our first show, so it's gonna have a bunch of mistakes and a bunch of shit going on. So yeah, come to that show. My friends were here from my hometown.

Viewstour.com.

Yeah, viewstour.com is where you should buy the tickets. My friends were here from my hometown.

Oh yeah, what a mess. Yeah, fucking— It was fun though. I mean, it was— They were— I really liked all them. They were really nice. But it's funny, it's like a sorority around here.

Oh my God, dude.

I came in here one morning and there was like chewed up foam everywhere.

Yeah, it was like, it was, um, like 4, 4 or 5 girls. Yeah, staying here. It was fucking— it was madness, bro.

Was it? Yeah. Do they partying?

No, they don't party, but they, they literally throw their shit around everywhere. I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm not trying to— no, it's 5 people, but it was 5 people. Sure, they were for a week. They were clean, but it was just like, it was 5 people at the end of the day. But one of my friends was actually telling me a funny story. We were talking about like psychopath tendencies. Her name is Sid, and she was talking about— she was talking about she used to have pet hermit crabs. This is so funny. And, and one of them, one of them bit— one of the pet hermit crabs bit her. Yeah. So she got really mad. So she took the rest of the pet hermit crabs and she lined them up to face one of the hermit crabs. And she crushed the one pet hermit crab to show the others that that wasn't okay.

Oh wow.

Yeah, this is when she was like young, when she was like 10 or 11.

It was the red-haired girl?

Yeah.

Oh yeah, you should hire her.

Some real fucking like psychotic shit. Um, but yeah, that's pretty interesting that she's—

she's the one who, um, went on a date with somebody that was in love with you, right? Or someone? Yeah, she played basketball. She was funny.

Yeah, she's really funny.

Was she funny in high school?

Um, she's just, she's just like smart, so like she's like knows what's funny, you know what I mean?

Right.

It's like one of those situations. Um, you know, she hooked up with someone. If you didn't watch the vlog, she hooked up with someone in college that she met on Tinder like 4 hours prior, and after she got done hooking up with him, she saw in his closet my clickbait hoodie, like my merch, and then he ended up asking her if, uh, if she knows me, and then she just dipped out of there. That's, that's the best fucking—

you got punched in the face, right?

Oh my God, what happened? Oh yeah, dude, I totally forgot.

I, I didn't even know about it. I was in Laguna. Yeah, you saw the title. Trisha and I just looked at the title of your video, but what happened?

So I, I was at, I was at this party, um, it was an awful party. It was in Topanga Canyon. It was an awful party, but it just wasn't my, my crowd, obviously.

Topanga Canyon's weird. Yeah, it's right, it's the hippie, it's the kind of the hippie portion of LA. It's between here, the Valley, and Malibu, right?

I don't really know.

It's, it's, I've been up there. There's a lot of weird shit that goes on in Topanga.

It's just interesting. And, um, we were leaving party, we decided to go. And I turned my flashlight on because I'm trying to walk out of there and there's these cobblestones on the ground and Big Nick is with me and he's a dwarf. So I didn't want him to trip. 'Cause the cobblestones were high and low and whatever. Good for you, David. Thank you. And this girl's acting up in the corner and she's yelling at people. And I shine my flashlight at her for a couple seconds and she goes, Don't you fucking shine that flashlight in my fucking face. And I go, I didn't even know she was talking to me because it was like from pretty far away. I'm like, she's probably not talking to me. And then she runs over to me and I shit you not, her eyes are like completely blacked out, just so dark. And she's like, her mouth is like watering. It's like her lips are all wet. Like there's like saliva coming out of her mouth. Like it almost looks like she's foaming at the mouth. And she comes over and she socks me right in the fucking mouth, like punches me square in the mouth. And I'm like, I can't believe this is happening.

Did it hurt?

Um, it didn't hurt. It was just like, I was just like confused. And like, I was just like, there's so much adrenaline that it didn't hurt. And I thought I was actually bleeding a lot more than I was. I literally wasn't bleeding at all, right? But it felt like it numbed my mouth for like—

She little?

Yeah, very small, like fucking 15, 16.

I can throw a punch.

Sure. Yeah, yeah, she's dangerous. And then she got on top of my head and started banging my head like in those like videos you would see of like girls getting fights where they just fucking destroyed the other bitch.

What were you doing?

I, I just had my— taking it? Yeah, I was taking it. I had my, I had my, uh, my hand over my head, like covering myself.

And what's Big Nick doing?

Uh, Big Nick was in the back laughing his fucking ass off.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, in the back? You're in the car?

No, no, no, he was in the— he was, he was slower than us because obviously he's Big Nick, so he's a dwarf, so it took him a while.

Is anyone else there with you?

Yeah, and then like 4 guys came to try to pull her off me, and security came, and he's Hey, don't hit her, don't hit her. And we're just like, what the fuck? No one's hitting her. Like, she's like, she's a fucking like chimpanzee right now jumping on top of me, right? Get her the fuck off me. And, um, and then he pulled her off and then she like kept like trying to like swarm out of there and fucking fight me. And, um, and then, and then she, and the security let go of her grip and she just fucking booked it. She like sprinted down the road like just super fast. And I got scared because I'm like, I saw that girl and I'm like, that girl's like on PCP or like or fucking X Games mode, or I don't know what the fuck she's on. But, um, she ran off, and I'm like, we should go, we should go either give her a ride home, A, because I want to take care of her, and B, because I want to film what the fuck happened. I want to— I wanted to go up to her and ask her and be like, yo, what the hell happened, right? Like, why were you doing that? But, but my friends were fucking freaked out, so we couldn't do that. So, but, but I did want to go make sure she was okay because she was running Like, she was obviously on something. Like, she wasn't normal. She was definitely coked or heroined up or something. Not even coke. Coke couldn't do that to you. Bath salts or something. Yeah, bath salts. And so they got in the car, and all my friends were so fucking terrified. They did not want to go. And we finally caught up with her.

Like on one of those long windy roads in Topanga?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it was along the road. And we finally found her. And she was like swearing at a bunch of people. And then she made those people run away from her because she was being really aggressive. And then she, um, and then she sprinted off again and she sprinted about, I don't know, 100 yards until she fell face first onto the concrete. And then she would get up and she'd do it again. And then she'd go into people's homes, like in their driveways, and she'd lay down on their cars in their driveways. And then she'd hop the fence of people's, um, like homes and she'd go into the backyard and come out on the other side of the house. Wow. And she just kept doing that.

And dude, that's what happened to me that night. I got dose. That's what I was doing.

Oh yeah, but you weren't aggressive.

No, I wasn't aggressive.

Yeah, but she was like really scary aggressive, which freaked me out. And then she finally ended up knocking out for like a good amount of time. And then these two girls—

you're just watching this from your car?

Yeah, watch this from my car. And, and meanwhile, my friend Seth has a warrant for his arrest because he has like a bunch of tickets or some shit, I don't know. So he's like, please fucking take me home, bro. Please take me home. Like, let me get out of the car at least I want an Uber home. I don't want the fucking police to come. Please take me. And they were all getting so mad at me. They're like, let's fucking go, Dave, let's fucking go. Sure. And I just— I don't know, I felt like it was getting so scary that I wasn't— I was done filming, but I— but I wanted to make sure that she didn't fucking die, right? So, um, so I called the ambulance and— and they were like, what's your location? And then I hung up right away because I was just like, do I really want to be the guy that fucking, like, you know, ruins her her, you know, her life. Her life could be her life, you know. She could get like a, a bad ticket. She could maybe even go to jail if she's old enough. Like, I don't, I don't know what could happen. And then my friends were like, no, fucking call him back. And the two girls we were with were like, call the ambulance back. This is like, she— there's a chance she's gonna die, you know what I mean?

Sure.

And like, at that point, like, I put, put aside the fact that I was kind of snitching, and I was like, okay, well, it's first—

that's the right thing to do. Yeah, as a parent, I mean, yeah, if that was my daughter, I'd want someone get her.

Yeah, so we called the paramedics. Two fire trucks came and the paramedics came, and then I— we pointed her out and they're like, you need to come with us, come with us, let's make sure you're okay. And she's like, I'm not fucking going in that, I'm not fucking going in the— I'm not going in there. And then, and then they like tried helping her, they tried helping her go in into the truck, and she just started fucking smacking all the firefighters and all the paramedics. Like really aggressive. And then like, they would— she would get knocked down on the floor and she was like flailing. Flailing? Yeah, like a little baby, like kicking her feet up.

Yeah.

And just punching into the air. So they had to restrain her and tie her down to the, to the, to the bed of the, um, stretcher. Of the stretcher. And then they put her in the car and they left. And that's when we left. It was fucking crazy. Really scary, dark shit.

And you got your ass beat by a girl, huh?

Yeah. And I like, I, I was, I was, um I was like, we were there, we could see her hitting the paramedics. Yeah, but we were like scared to film it because it was like out of a fucking like dark movie. Yeah, it was really scary.

And then what'd you do with Seth?

Then we dropped Seth off. Um, I think I'm gonna take him to the police soon.

Last night David was telling me, he was telling you like that Seth had warrants, and he's like, I'm thinking about just taking him to the police station.

I think I am. I think I'm gonna take him to the police station soon and turn him in. I don't know why I think that's so funny. I know he won't get in big trouble, 'cause it's only like unpaid tickets, and if anything, I'll pay for his tickets. But yeah. It was an eventful party day, that's all I can say. What did you do? You were in Laguna.

I went to Laguna and I just, I started running again. I've ran, walked over 40 miles the last 5 days.

You ran 7 miles today.

That's right.

What's up with that?

I'm trying to come get back in shape.

I'm trying.

I can't, I can't live like this anymore.

Are you still eating all those peanut butter cups?

Yes, I need to cut that out next, but you know how it is. Yeah, we went to Laguna, then we went to Disneyland. It was great, bro.

Now that you're running a lot though, you could, you could be eating more peanut butter cups. You kind of, kind of look at it in a positive way, thinking about, hey, I gotta, I gotta—

Charlie's telling me some stuff that's going down at her school that I thought was pretty interesting.

Your daughter, what's going on?

Well, basically, I, um I've bought a few kickballs this year.

Sure.

And she came to me and she was like, we lost the kickball, the class kickball. And I was like, what do you mean they lost the kickball? Because I've already bought two.

Yeah.

And apparently they give this— they— the teacher's given this one kid— he's in charge of the kickballs. He's lost 5 kickballs this year.

Why don't they fire this kid?

I don't know. That's what I said to Charlie. I said, you got to get rid of this kid.

Is he like the dictator? Like, is— can he not be overthrown?

I think no one wants to has to be in charge of the ball.

That's what she said, because it's a big responsibility. Yeah. Oh, well, then you have to take it in after the game.

Yeah. And he's lost 5 of them. So anyway, I thought that was interesting.

And you buy the kickballs?

I've bought 2. Yeah, she wants a third, and I'm like, I—

or you think it's a bullshit story and she's just reselling them when she gets to school. She's, she's the kickball dealer. She has something suspicious about her, and it's a little eerie.

That's too funny.

Um, yeah, guys, we don't have any ads this, uh, this podcast, so—

so yeah, yeah, let's see, what can we talk about? Because there's no—

how can we still make money? Um, okay. Hello, David and Jason. I was wondering if you guys could give me some advice on something very important.

Okay.

I've been with my boyfriend Noah for a long time, and I love him so much it's crazy. Please change his name. Oh fuck, I've been with my friend. You guys, don't say the fucking person's name and then ask to change his name. Just give me a different name in the email. I don't need to know that his real name is Noah. Anyway, okay, since we've started— since we've started dating, he's fallen into a deep drug addiction. Oh fuck, he's always high or tripping on acid or doing some other illegal substance. Last week he actually punched David in the face at a party. Get the This is him. I am the complete opposite. Never smoke or do any drugs. I only have the occasional drink or so.

Is that you or me?

No, it's my phone going off. Sorry. Sometimes he doesn't text back for hours and my anxiety kicks in and I sit there and I worry about him for hours. I was wondering if you had any advice for me and how to cope with the situation. I know it's probably best if we end things, but I think that would hurt more than his drug addiction is hurting me now. I'm so in love with him and when he's not doing those things, he's a great human being. He's also mentioned that he doesn't want to stop and doesn't want help for it. So I just don't know what to do. I cry myself to sleep over it a lot, but I just love the guy too much to let him go. Please help.

This is her boyfriend's a drug addict and he won't quit drugs. Is that what's going on?

That's brutal.

How old is she?

She is— doesn't say.

Well, she listened to this podcast, she's probably 17.

Yeah. Hmm. And their boyfriend does drugs.

I'm gonna give this one to you, Dave.

What should she do?

Yeah.

Fuck, I don't know, bro. That sounds pretty rough. That sounds like— I mean, I know what she has to do. —But that's not good advice. —What? She has to leave the guy. She has to try— she has to do what Ariana Grande did with Mac Miller. What did she do? She tried helping him. Oh, was he cooking drugs? She— yeah, I think so. This is pure hearsay. I could be making this up. I don't fucking know. But she tried helping him. I'm assuming she gave him like an ultimatum, like, hey, stop, or like, I can't do this anymore. And yeah, that's what you gotta do. You just gotta be like, hey listen, you gotta quit this or we can't be together. 'Cause if a person's not willing to give up a bad habit, an unhealthy habit for you, I think that's a problem.

Yeah, and at that age too, you just can't be associated with that. Yeah, it's just like— 'Cause you have less of a chance of protecting yourself when you're that young. If you were like 25 or 30 or something like that, I'd say, all right, well, you'd have like a little more money.

You can go down such a fucking shitty rabbit hole if you like— if you hang out with the wrong kids.

You could be in the car with them, they could have drugs on them, like, that's what it's all about.

Who you hang out with.

Well, yeah, I mean, I always think that— I—

that's why, like, you could have been a total different person. You could have been very successful if you just hung out with different kids, but you hung out with a bunch of fucking idiots and you wasted your time. No, I'm kidding. But it is, it is crazy how like everything depends on who you hang out with. Yeah. Yeah, it's true.

It's who you know. That's like why it's like kids who, who go to like fancy schools. Yeah, they're pretty much set.

I went, um, I went on an audition the other day. Yeah, like a straight-up LA audition. Oh yeah, what happened?

Um, how was it? Can you tell us what it was for?

I want to get into more hosting opportunities. Okay. Because I, I'm, I'm kind of panicking. Not panicking, but I'm kind of like, what are you panicking about? I'm not panicking, but I'm just like, I've been on YouTube for so long, it's time to do some other things. So I, um, so yeah, what was it for? Should be good now. Dude, you're a fat ass. Guys, I am not a fat ass.

Jason, guys, I ran 40 miles.

Do you see what a big distraction? Jason, can you please focus on the podcast, bro? After food is here. Sorry, there was a weird glitch there. It's because Jason brought the sushi in, as you know, and then I ripped it out of his hands, and then he was getting ready to sit back on the couch and his fucking left leg tripped the cord of the microphone and then unplugged it from the wall.

You gotta see this setup here. There's not a lot of space to plug it in.

Dude, you shouldn't order food in the middle of our podcast. Well, it—

you're— I'm hungry. I had to go see my kids, and I got to see Trisha.

I'm gonna fucking say it. What? This is why your comedy career never took off. Oh my God, because you weren't fucking in it. That's bullshit. You're bullshit, bro. Fuck you.

My comedy career is doing just fine without you. Fuck off. Oh, well, okay, go, why don't you go fucking, uh, shoot me with urine like you did today? David came in with a fucking squirt gun today and started shooting me while I was trying to finish my vlog. That's why my comedy career hasn't taken off, because I have fucking Dennis the Menace behind me.

Bro, me shooting you with shit is the reason it's taking off. Okay, listen, can we Please go back. Yeah, let's go back. Okay, so this crazy girl fucking DM'd Trisha saying, look bitch, I was there with your ex-boyfriend before. How does my dick taste? That's basically what she said.

But she didn't say it like that.

She didn't say it like that, but she basically was like, oh, I was there with him too. That's so weird. He must take every girl there. Like, who says that shit?

I thought that was really, really shitty. Really fucked up.

And Trisha has all the right to be mad. This is the first time— Have you ever heard of a girl doing that before? No. I've— no, I've never heard of—

Trisha always tells me girls are crazy, and I'm like, nah, I have—

I have a lot of my friends that— I have a lot of friends that you can talk to and they go, fucking girls are crazy, bro. Yeah, they're fucking insane. But granted, I've been so fucking crazy sometimes, especially with Liza, where I'm like, guys are fucking crazy, bro, stay away, right? I mean, it's like everyone's crazy. Oh sure, everyone's fucking crazy. I accept. But we're guys, so we gotta stick together and say fucking girls are batshit, bro. Stay away from them. Bros before hoes. Why can't you— hoes before pose. The second part doesn't make sense. Why can't you say—

see, if you were a different person, you'd be like, oh cool, you got some sushi, nice. Because you didn't— I love life.

Because you didn't buy me chicken teriyaki, dude.

Oh, you wanted chicken teriyaki? Yes. I asked you at Bellingham if you wanted food. You don't eat dinner. You're— you know what you're like? You're like being friends with a robot.

Yeah, well, at least I get stuff done, Jason, and not unplugged.

Oh, oh, I have a— oh, I have a fucking crazy email to read. Okay, go read it.

All right, hold on. Oh great, he's gonna unplug the wire again. Hold— where are you going? I gotta get my phone, dude. Dude, we're half-assing this podcast. Yeah, Jay, where is your phone? It's in a different room? Dude, oh my God, I'm so sorry for the people listening. This isn't— if this is your first time listening to this podcast, it's— I usually run a tighter shift, or a tighter ship, but fucking co-captain, co-pilot jackass over here is really making it difficult. Bro, at least hustle. At least hustle. At least make it look like you care. I do.

I do care.

Okay, read me the email. Go ahead.

Hi, my name's Lena. I normally make friends online. I do have a social life outside the internet, but mostly I spend my time with internet friends. Anyway, I made friends with a guy who's 4 years older than me. I am 14. Huh. He's a really good friend of mine and I want us to stay good friends. However, a few days ago, after we became friends, he started to talk very sexually to me and I shook it off as I thought of it as a normal thing. He began to become more and more sexual and he confessed to me that he loves me. What the fuck? I don't like him back and I keep telling him to stop, but he wouldn't. I stopped talking to him once, but I gave into temptation and started talking to him again. He would tell me he loves me every time we talk, so I did a prank on him where I told him I was with one of our friends. It backfired. He began getting depressed and left me on read.

So red, red.

So I told—

you are 77. Sorry, this is serious. Left me on read.

Red. Left me on red.

Yeah. I'll explain it to you after the podcast. No, I get it. I don't have 30 minutes right now.

So I told someone I know to talk to him. He told me that our guy friend was drinking whiskey and ended the conversation saying he was going to get his gun because he couldn't take it anymore. He's been active on Instagram and other apps he uses, so I know he hasn't killed himself. However, I'm not sure what to do. What do you say? Hmm. 14.

First of all, did he—

I think Lena's a girl.

Did he say he's grabbing the gun to kill himself or to hurt her? Um, because those are—

no, no, to hurt himself. To hurt himself.

Okay, well, he's not your fucking responsibility at all. Don't fucking— fuck that. He's just trying to reel you in.

Yeah, 14 and 18 is bad news from that. That dude— no, I think it's a girl.

Yeah, dude, girl saying dude. Yeah, I get it.

I'm just in disbelief.

No, stay away from that shit. That's like— that's literally straight up like how to catch a predator shit. Honestly, tell your fucking parents.

Yeah, go to your parents and stay away.

No, 100%, go to your parents. It's such a disgusting situation. Fuck that. And don't let him threaten you with the gun thing. If, if he's, if he's saying the gun thing because he wants to scare you that he can hurt you, then definitely go to your parents and definitely go to the police. Honestly, you should probably go to the police anyway because that's pretty, pretty fucking weird. Good advice, David.

Well done.

You handled that one well. That's pretty terrifying. That's a fucked up email. How's your shingles? What's shingles?

Weren't you having shingles?

Oh, I was having, um, I was having like, uh, like hives basically. Yeah, yeah, it's over. Um, I just changed my detergent. My assistant switched—

like an ad, but we don't have any ads this week.

Uh, speaking of changing my detergent, Blue Apron also helped me. Um, no, but my assistant changed our detergent to like all-natural shit. Yeah, like it's better for your skin, and it fucking fucked my skin up. Who knows? Huh. So we went back to the chemical shit. Maybe I am a robot. And, and yeah, that made my body work. Yeah, so the rashes are gone.

How do you like having an assistant? It's great.

You're having an assistant soon too, it looks like. Possibly. Jason's about to have an assistant himself.

Well, we're gonna share one. He's sharing.

And Scott, he's sharing one with our other friend. So, so yeah, I mean, so far so good. I'm happy about it.

Let's do a sushi mukbang right now. Audio mukbang, bro.

It doesn't exist.

That's because it hasn't been created yet. We can start it. You're a dick. Right now. What did you do without me all weekend? Did you miss me and Trisha? Yeah, yeah. Not really? When are you going to do stand-up? Here we go, ready?

Yeah. Hey David, my name is Jameson. Ooh, I'd like to drink. And I have a serious question. I recently— Do not reach for the fucking sushi! Dude! Bro, you're pissing me off. Pissing me off.

Okay, sorry.

Okay, stay away from the sushi. I'm gonna make us redo this podcast. Oh no, no, no. Yeah, I'm gonna make us redo it. One more, one more fucking slip up like that and you're sleeping outside tonight. Hey, did you know in, uh— No, shut up. Did I know what?

Hey, yeah, your, your instinct was correct because what I was gonna say wasn't good. Okay.

Hey, my name is Jameson and I have a serious question. I recently found out that my best friend is gay, but the problem is that he didn't tell me and doesn't plan on telling me anytime soon. My best friend told a girl who is his and my friend, and she's the only one in the world that my best friend told. He told the girl not to tell anyone and that he will never forgive her if she told anyone. However, she told him. He is really religious, and I know that being gay is a pressure— is being gay is a pressure that he's holding that is holding him down. Should I confront him and talk about it and risk putting my friend under the bus, or should I keep it to myself and let him sort it out himself? Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Tell your friend, um, Jameson, go back. Your friend that's gay— what happened, bro? If you weren't fucking salivating over your sushi—

listen, just tell me what happened. Give me the truncated version.

And dude, you're such a— you're such a prick today. I'm— I'm looking for a new co-host, guys. Oh, come on. Literally tweet me if you want to be a co-host. Come on.

Oh, don't do that.

No, I'm going to. Oh, if you're not in this I'm in it. At least be in 30% because that's your cut of this podcast. Yo, that's all I'm giving you. Okay, um, tell me what happened. Basically, his, um, his best friend—

because I'm sure the people at home weren't listening to you either, you have one of those voices, it's just like, oh, you're gay.

His best friend, his best friend told his other friend that he's gay. Yeah. And, and the girl that he told was sworn not to tell him. Yeah. So he knows his best friend is gay, but his best friend won't tell him that he's gay. Makes sense? Yeah. Okay, so now go to the girl that knows he's gay and have the girl tell your gay friend that it's okay to let you know about him being gay. And then have the girl go back and kind of— because you don't want to ruin the trust between between the girl and your friend that's gay. You don't wanna ruin that trust. So make the girl go back to your gay best friend and have him tell you.

You're 3 for 3 for advice today. Great job.

I thought we only read 2 different stories.

I think we had 3 stories.

Oh yeah, the fucking pedophile one was creepy. Yeah, explain to me the Roseanne stuff.

Well, there's a show called Roseanne. It was a hit in the '90s. They brought it back in March, and it's a hit on ABC. It's like really hard to have a hit sitcom these days.

It's a great TV show, right? It was. Sure, sure.

And, and it's doing really well. And then like literally she tweets something on Sunday night or Monday about this, um, this woman used to work for Obama, and it's pretty racist tweet. I mean, it's really racist. And then the show's just gone. They just canceled it. Yeah. And I'm not saying that like they didn't do the right thing. But it's just amazing to me that with Twitter it can just all be gone. No, 100%. And I don't know what she was doing. She had a bunch of other tweets she was tweeting that she shouldn't have been tweeting at all. Someone should have stepped on that before. But it's getting to the point now where, like, if I was an actor, if I hired an actor, I'd be like, uh, no Twitter. Just— or just fucking turn it off. Sure, it's bad.

No, I was totally listening to you. I just got a tweet though saying that my last video got age-restricted. Why? What was in there? There was, um, Corinna was rubbing Todd's penis.

Oh shit, of course it did. I watched that. You showed it to me. I don't know why I didn't tell you that.

I should have taken it out, huh? Yeah, fuck. It really fucked me over. Yeah, of course.

You're showing fucking cock.

Goddamn it, it was too much. Damn it, damn it.

When you showed it to me, I was like, huh, that looks like pornographic. It is.

It was. I just realized, you know, thinking back, it was a bad decision putting that in, um, and it fucked my video up. That's great. That's— I love when I put in a lot of work to a video and, uh, it gets age-restricted. And there's a little— there's a little— oh, it's not my fault. There's a little cockplay in my video. I worked hard on. Fuck you, YouTube. How does that work?

Does a robot see that or does a human see that?

I think people report it. So people report it and then a human goes through and he goes, oh, what the fuck? And he clicks age restrict.

He goes, let me fucking jack off real quick. Yeah. And restrict this shit.

When he age restricts it, it sucks. I, I— guys, I already don't get paid for my videos, so I don't give a fuck about the money. But when age restricts it, it takes away the views, right? So for some fucking reason— you have to be 18 and up to watch an age-restricted video. For some reason, there are people that have YouTube accounts that don't lie about their age. Yeah, a lot of kids don't lie. And that blows my mind. They say they're 15, and then they comment shit like, I can't watch the video. Well, listen, dumbass, put that you're 18. I don't know. I mean—

My kids ask if they can take candy. Really? Yeah. If they can take candy from where? They'd be like, Daddy, is it OK if I have some Skittles? And I'll be like, yes, it is. Yes, it is.

But a lot of kids don't lie. No, okay, maybe, maybe it's a sweet thing that— no, no, no, I mean, I agree, I would lie if I wanted to see some—

some— I want to see Corinna rub Todd's cock.

No, but no, I'm not even saying for that reason, but I'm just saying like, I don't know, I never— I never said the truth about my age on these websites.

What were you thinking showing that? What were you thinking? Because sometimes when you're filming, you do fall into like porno director mode.

Yeah, I do. You're right, I definitely—

it's really weird, honestly. But that—

Trisha, making out with Matt Gaetz. But that wasn't— that, that wasn't my cue. I did not tell Corinna to rub his penis. I, I did not. Yeah, but you, you, as the director of that video, I should have told it to stop. You're right.

I should have told her just not put it in. Yeah, I thought it was funny.

It was funny, and I think that's all that matters. Yeah, I guess so. But now people are going to watch the video and be like, well, why didn't this get views? It must have sucked. And then no one's gonna watch it.

No, people might watch it and go, you know what, I really admire David for putting that cock in there, because it was funny.

All right guys, well that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Oh no.

Yeah, what about—

no, we've talked enough about views.

What about plug your merch or something? Why? Because we, you know, let's do like another minute so we can get to 40. Um, yeah guys, make sure you, uh, how's the clickbait line looking?

Check out the merch. Clickbait line is looking hot. We're discontinuing the David and Josh merch. You have little under 40 hours to get it. Oh yeah, so go buy it, 20% off. Um, it's on the Fanjoy website. Go check out Closet. I'm so bummed out my video got age-restricted.

Yeah, damn, that sucks, man.

And there's no ads for this podcast. I'm fucked, guys.

Um, yeah, do something. Come, come see David on tour because then he can make some money and continue to go buy my beautiful house.

Oh my God, I, I've, I've had it.

What if you lose the house? That'd be great.

I'm about to.

What would you do?

I wish people listening understood how little I make on YouTube. Yeah, like, I know we talk about it, but they— I don't think they understand. Like, you don't— you don't get what's going— you don't get how much I'm being fucked. I'm being— I'm being— I'm being taken advantage of basically on YouTube. Um, okay, they'd be like, oh, $50 grand a month, that's really good actually, David. Okay, well, we're leaving. This has been a Views podcast. This podcast has been all over the place. Jason sucks. Jason, I'm gonna make sure he eats before these things so he doesn't order in the middle of the podcast.

I don't think it's such a big deal. Okay, I'm leaving. We'll see you guys later. This is views.com. Come see us June 9th in Massachusetts. Bye, guys.