David's Going to Clone Himself

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason came over today and he's in his workout clothes and my mom goes, "Oh, you went to work out?" And he goes, "No, no, no, I just put the clothes on." That's all I got to so far. So far. It's been 3 hours into the day and Jason's been in his workout clothes.

We had to do the podcast, David, I would be working out right now.

It's weird 'cause you sweat so much in your sleep that it actually does look like you've already worked out. You look like you hiked at least 10 miles. What'd you dream about? Just being in the shower. Why are you so soaked?

It's 110 out here in Chicago.

Thank God you put the workout clothes on. All right, roll the intro music. So right now we're in Chicago.

Yeah.

The other day we flew in from New York. We had things that we were doing in New York. Our flights got delayed. That was fucking annoying.

Yesterday.

Yesterday was the worst. The worst time ever. We got to the airport at 2 o'clock and I took off at about 8.

Yeah, we took off about 7, 8.

Yeah, as well. We were on different flights, so it was me by myself and then Jeff, Jason, and Natalie were on a completely different flight. I don't know how that worked out, but there was an accident that— yeah, whatever. So that happened. I remember, I remember, um, I remember we were sitting, I was waiting for my flight, and, um, people Like, people were like getting frantic. They're like, what's going on? Like, our flight didn't take off because of maintenance issue, right? So it was like, it was a 4-hour delay, not even because of the weather. It was just because the plane was broken. And I remember like everyone was super cool about it being— everyone was making such good jokes.

Such good jokes.

Yeah, like there was this guy who was making jokes. There was this guy like—

that is not what happens when you're in a 4-hour delay stuck in an airplane.

No, by the way, I know, but it was really interesting because there was a So the plane was broken down and the plane was broken down and the guy was like, we're trying to fix it, we're trying to fix it. And then 5 minutes later he goes, Chloe, please check in. Chloe, we need you to check in. Flight, whatever, for her flight. And the guy next to me goes, oh, Chloe must have the missing part to the airplane. I thought that was so funny. And he was like, Chloe, please come in so we could get this missing part.

Soccer mom pulls it out of her purse.

No, so that was really funny. And then, Everybody was super— 'cause the guy that was like the airplane guy who was like letting us in or whatever, who was making all the announcements, he was really cool. He was like, "Man, this fucking sucks." Like, "I'm sorry guys, you guys have to wait this long." Like, he was really cool. And so everybody was like feeling him. They were like, "Ah, whatever, this guy's cool. Like, we're cool for delayed." Except one woman. One woman was so fucking angry at him. And she came up to him and she goes, "My son works at United and this has never happened." And I just, I was like on my way to go charge my phone. But I literally stopped, I just stopped and I sat there for 35 minutes watching them argue because it's so fucking crazy that people like that.

That she would even say that.

Yeah, like what are you doing? Like look at everyone, there's hundreds of people on this flight. And the guy literally goes, ma'am, you are literally the only person right now that has a problem with this. We're all in the same boat. And she kept yelling and he goes, ma'am, look around, there is nobody. Everyone's just staring at you. Nobody's as concerned as you are. And she's so angry, she's like, my son works for fucking United. This would never happen on their flights. I'm disgusted that you're treating your customers this way. And she goes, she goes, she goes, I'm going to write an email. I'm going to write an email about your staff.

Whoa, no way. Okay, slow down, slow down. An email?

It's like, what the fuck are you doing? What do you think this guy's going to go? This guy's going to go, oh, okay, okay. If you're going to write an email, just go ahead and board. Go ahead and board. We'll get the flight. We'll get the flight going right away. Like, what the fuck is— I wanted to step in so bad.

Janet, we need to intercept this email right away.

And she's like, she's like, make it all this, like, like making all this bullshit up. Like, you do know how much money I make a fucking year? Like, I need to get to— I'm like, dude, shut the fuck up.

Threw that into it.

It was crazy. I've never seen anything like it. And like, it kept going on. And then, and then of course people would come up to them and ask questions. Like, people would ask the airplane guy questions, um, and they would be like, when are we taking off? But they were super nice about it, right? But she was the only one that was like a fucking asshole about it. And then the guy that made the joke earlier went up to the airplane guy and he goes, I just want to come up here and just say hello. I don't want to ask you any stupid or unnecessary questions. I just wanted to see what's up, how you doing? And then he left because he was, he was fun. He was the comedic relief of the flight.

We tried, uh, we had an opposite experience. Everybody was just angry on mine. Oh yeah, and Jeff was about to pop. He was about to snap.

There was a person on my flight that watched my videos and he said, my sister is on your friend's flight. And I'm like, oh yeah, how are they doing? And he goes, my sister's telling me that all your friends are doing push-ups. Were you guys doing push-ups?

That was how Jeff— Jeff was so funny. He's just like in the middle of the airport, he stands up, everyone's waiting for their flight, and he goes, Jason, let's do some push-ups. And I got embarrassed and Natalie was like, you never get embarrassed. And I was like, I know, I want to, because he's got this thing, he's trying to work me out and I can't say no to anything he presents. So he presented airport push-ups.

Yeah, those are the best.

And, uh, so I said, yeah, come on, come over here, we'll go in the corner. Yeah, push-ups. And we did the ones where you like push up, slap hands, go back down, slap other hand.

Oh my god, you couldn't be douchier.

Nope.

You could have been louder. No, as if push-ups weren't already obnoxious. You're slapping each other's hands.

Somebody also raised the point of you're touching the airport ground.

Somebody said that?

Someone like maybe DM'd Jeff or something, and Jeff was like, I don't know what we were doing, that was so stupid. To touch the airport ground with push-ups.

Um, and then I went to, um, and then I got on the flight, and then I couldn't— there's this man that was sitting next to me, wouldn't stop fucking staring at me, which was really weird. He kept smiling.

Like a man? Like an older man?

Yeah, older man. And he was playing Sudoku, and I looked at his Sudoku for a second. Like, I looked at it because he was like into Sudoku, and he caught— he found out that I was looking at him right away, and he turned right around and just started laughing at me. It was really fucking scary. And he looked like he didn't belong on the flight. Like, he looked like he was like out of a horror movie, just randomly placed on the flight.

Just waiting for it to go up and cause some chaos.

Yeah, so I put a hood on and I like, I pulled the strings so I like disappeared into my hood. So I just like fake sleep the entire time.

You're still there, David. He could still stare at you. Just 'cause your hood is on.

I couldn't help but thinking, if you, you know how inertia works, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I always thought this was weird how—

Oh, I just lied.

Oh, well, I also— I may be lying too, but like, basically, like, you don't think it's weird that if you jump in an airplane, you don't just hit the back of the plane? Like, I always thought that was weird. Like, when you, when you jump, like, when you jump, your body just doesn't hit the back of the plane because it's inertia and you're like, you're moving with the plane.

Yeah, but like, in an RV, if you jump, you don't go to the back.

No.

Yeah. So, so what's your point?

I just think it's so fucking interesting.

It's interesting.

It's like the— it's like, have you ever seen the Mythbusters episode where there's a myth where if you're in an elevator and it's about to crash and hit the bottom?

Yeah.

If you jump the very last second, you'll be safe. Yeah, it's not true.

I wouldn't think it is, but I would think it would.

Yeah, I would think it is true if you're jumping, but that's inertia.

That's because David's been really into science lately because he did one collab with a science YouTuber of a science, and then one day the science YouTuber couldn't come and David was like It's okay, we're good. He's like, I know all about science.

Well, no, what I think is weird is what I was thinking about yesterday on the plane is if you jump, you won't hit the back of the plane. But what if you're able to fly, right?

Yeah.

What if you're able to fly? Would you hit the back of the plane then? Or would it still be, I don't know, I guess the rules of flying wouldn't apply to a regular—

What if a fly gets in your car and you drive 2 miles? How fast is the fly going if the fly's flying around in your car?

Oh, okay, then you're right, that answers my question. So yeah, he wouldn't hit the back of the plane. He'd also be—

well, he's flying. Yeah, but we're not.

But yeah, and then my other question was, let's say you're Superman. Such an idiot. Let's say you're Superman, right? Yeah, and you're— and let's say the world is an entire grass plane. Yeah, if you put your fist out and you start fucking flying, right, would you fly around the world or would you fly right off of it? Do you know what I mean?

You're in the plane.

No, you're just Superman.

Yeah.

No plane. Oh. And you're 5 inches above the ground.

Right.

I'm assuming you just fly around the world.

Depends, yeah, if you want to go up in space, you go up in space, but flying around the world, yeah, you'd have to go in a circular motion. That one you should know.

No, but I'm saying since the world is a circle.

Yeah.

It's a sphere.

The world's flat, David, everyone knows that.

Since the world is a sphere.

Yeah.

Like maybe if you are able to fly, obviously the rules of gravity or inertia don't apply to you, so you'd fly off the sphere. Rather than follow it around.

Do you know, it depends in what direction you go. You would follow the course of the Earth. It looks like you're going flat, but you're actually doing a circle.

No, but I'm saying you close your eyes and you just go forward.

Oh, this is an eyes-closed scenario.

Duh, fucking moron. You know what I'm saying? How do you not know what I'm saying?

I know what you're saying. Why would you fly with your eyes closed?

That's the part of the story that's confusing you?

If you fly with your eyes closed, you're gonna run into a building. Yes.

No, there's— I already got rid of the fucking buildings in the scenario.

Oh, because you said it's a grass plane.

All the world is— it's, it's the year -3000. It's just grass all around. There's not even any dinosaurs you can run into.

You said grass plane, by the way, which is a plane, and we were just talking about planes, so don't yell at me for getting the story wrong. You thought— not communicating.

You thought I was in an airplane that was covered in grass.

You said a grass plane, so I imagined a plane that had grass on the bottom.

Fucking dick.

You're the dick.

Okay, so you're flying— who cares? Who gives a fuck?

No, no, I want to hear.

No.

Oh, you've taken us down this frickin' far, and you're not gonna finish it?

I'm getting dizzy. I don't know if it's arguing with you or if it's thinking about flying around the world. I don't know what it is, but I'm getting dizzy. Today's show is brought to you by Honey, the easiest way to save money when you're shopping online. So you might ask, how do I know Honey has my back? Does it really work? Well, not only did Honey test over 1 billion promo codes last year, but it actually applied 185 million working codes to people's orders. That's a lot of real-life savings. Guys, Honey's great. It's basically just an add-on. It's free.

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We went to, um, drive— we went to rent a car last night because, um, you know, Natalie needed to rent it. So we landed, I was like, let's just get the car tomorrow. She's like, no, David really wants the car. And I was like, okay, okay. So we take the shuttle all the way to budget, we get there, and she goes, she goes, Natalie made the reservation in David Dobrik's name. And the woman's like, I can't give you this car if David's not here. And she was like, I'm his assistant, blah blah blah blah blah. Made us wait for an hour. And then eventually someone came up and asked me for a picture, and Jeff for a picture, and Natalie.

And— That works there?

The woman goes, "Hang on, hang on, hold on. Who are y'all? Who are y'all?" Like that. And we're like, "I just do YouTube, I'm a YouTuber." She's like— and then she comes over and she goes, "Well, y'all didn't tell me you was, you know, YouTubers. Y'all didn't tell me." And Jeff goes, "Would that have gotten us the car?" And she's like, "Yes!" Are you being serious? Dead serious. And then eventually she was— she got us the car, but it was a— it was a Dodge Journey, and Natalie said that wasn't good enough.

So she goes, oh, you are YouTubers, just confirmed, because they're douchebags. Won't take a Dodge Journey.

But in Natalie's defense, they told her Tahoe over the phone.

They— we needed a bigger car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Oh, that's so funny. I love— I love when that— that's so funny when that— actually, one of my favorite things, like yesterday when I was waiting at the airport, is a girl came up to me. I've been talking to like these people all day.

Um, and then this girl comes up to me and she's like, can I have a picture with you?

Yeah.

And then, and then those two people are like, what do you do? What's going on?

Right.

I love that because that's my favorite, because trying to explain like YouTube to older people, yeah, is so fucking great. Because then they're like, can we look you up? Can we look you up? And then they look you up and then they're like, they're seeing the views on your videos and they're so confused that they've never heard of you.

Yeah.

And it's, it's like, how have I never heard of you? What's going on? It's the best trying to explain it. So I make YouTube videos and they're like, "So how do you get paid? YouTube pays you? Or your subscribers pay you?" It's like every time I have to explain YouTube to like a parent, it's like speaking to aliens.

Yeah.

It's so fucking funny.

I had one woman, this girl came up to me in New York and she's like, "Can I get a picture?" And I'm like, "Yeah." Then her mom came up and she's like, "Who are you?" And I go, "I'm George Clooney." Like totally just trying to make a joke. And the mom goes, What? You're George Clooney? Like that. And she took a picture with me and the kid was dying.

Oh, she must not know what George Clooney looks like.

The kid was laughing. She— the girl was like, oh my God, that's so funny. And then the mom was like, I just got a picture with George Clooney. But it was just me. And I don't look anything like George Clooney.

Yeah, but if I didn't know who George Clooney was and you— and you told me you're George Clooney, I'd be like, yep, that makes sense. He let himself go a little bit. What? He was a big movie star. Now he's relaxing.

He's maxing out now.

I did— I did Chopped Junior the other day. I was a judge on the show.

Yeah, how was that?

It was really, really fun. This is the first time I've been a judge on anything.

I have to say, amongst the friend group, people were talking trash about you.

What were they saying?

You don't have the most sophisticated palate.

Oh my god, I know.

This doesn't taste like Chipotle.

And the way my publicist got me the job was like, they asked, like, because they asked my publicist, they're like, do you have anybody that would be good for this Chopped Junior judge position? And she goes, yeah, David would be perfect. And the Chop Junior people go, what does he have experience— like, what experience does he have with food? And she goes, on his Instagram stories, he does these food reviews where he shows everyone what food he's eating. And I think the Chop Junior people maybe thought that it was a more sophisticated review than me just pointing the camera at my food and going, look what I'm eating today, guys. So, um, so yeah, so I was hired. So I was, uh, for an entire episode. I was one of the guest judges, which was very scary because I'm the pickiest eater on the face of Earth. Like, super, super picky. I can't talk about who the kids were or what the food was because I gotta save that for when it comes out. But it was really, it was so fucking hard for me. First of all, I'm not very judgmental when it comes to being on camera.

No, you're the least judgmental person in the world. If people start talking trash about someone, David just automatically chooses the other side of like, Hey, they're doing their best.

Yeah. And it's like, and it was really because you have to be a fucking judge. So it was really hard for me to go, especially with food where I have zero, like I have zero purpose. Like I should not be there whatsoever. Like I'm the two other judges were like, they're like really famous, like chefs. Like they do this their entire lives and like they're going into it. They're like dissecting and they're like, well, the sausage was a little bit salty. 'But if you put a little bit of parsley on top, it would have really brought the dish together.' Right. Like, they're all saying stuff like this, and I'm just sitting there in the middle, literally. Like, my main point would always be— I would always go, 'My mom used to make this, and this was pretty close to what my mom would make it like, so I like it.' Like, that's what I would say. And I was— and the worst part is, they were kids. So what do you say to a kid? Like, how do you make sure you don't hurt this kid's feelings?

How do you let them know their food isn't good?

Yeah, and like, and the worst part is The way Chopped works is that it starts with 4 kids and every round one kid gets chopped.

Yeah.

So one person gets fucking eliminated and that's crazy. So the first round we had to eliminate someone. I had no idea what to expect of how elimination works and they said, sorry, but you're chopped. And they cut the girl or they cut the girl or the boy and they just started bawling. Just started bawling their eyes out right in front of me. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? And these kids have waited months. They've been watching Chopped for years. Like, this is what inspired them to ever cook is this show. So like, I'm here now. I'm here now being one of the judges deciding whether or not these kids who have been doing this their entire lives—

they might watch your videos.

Yeah. So like, these kids have been like training for this, like their entire young lives, right? For like the last 3, 4 years. And to, you know, to be in front of food critics. And then there's me, who knows nothing about food, deciding whether or not they should go to the next round. And I'm like, I'm sorry, but this is so unfair. But the kids love it. Like, even, even when they get chopped, they're just being— and the people on the show, oh my God, it is fucking crazy to watch this. They are so nice to the kids. Yeah, like, it's so cool, like, watching, like, the producers and, like, everybody talk to the kids. It's so crazy. Yeah, because it's like, it's 'You're doing so great.' You're like, they're— it's because they never talk to like, like me, or, you know, a producer would never talk to anybody like that unless they're kids. And it was just really— it was like, it was watching people. It was like watching the producers babysit and film a TV show at the same time. It was really, really cool. Um, but yeah, other than kids crying, um, it was, it was great. It was so interesting to me, so interesting to me, chopping little kids and making sure that, that they weren't to hurt. It's tough hiring people, right, Jay?

Yeah, I know. I found you and, you know, it was, it was a hard search when you, when you hired me.

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We, um, we hung out with a mime last week.

Oh my god, which was—

it's really— I don't think a lot of people know what it's like to hang out with a mime.

It's the fucking worst.

We have a really good friend named Mr. Nick who's a mime that we found for the videos, and we loved— we love him. Yeah, he's really good in the videos. The first hour you hang out with a mime is magical. Yeah, it's very funny, and we're laughing and he's doing all the shtick and But we hung out with him for 8 hours, and at one point, David saw me do this, at one point I told him at the bar, I go, I go, I go, can you just take the makeup off and we can hang out regular? Yeah. And he got really sad. And yeah, and he wouldn't do it.

And he's like, he's this mime, Mr. Nick, he's all about the magic of being the mime. So I was, I was, I was, I was like, listen, Mr. Nick, I'll give you $2,000 right now if you just break your character and you just start talking. Please, for the love of God, start talking. And he, and he writes on his, he has little fucking Etch-a-Sketch that he has with him, and he writes on, he goes, I can't, I can't do it, it's for the magic. And we're like, okay, fuck. So he wouldn't— it's crazy because he, he doesn't say anything, but he's always bouncing around trying to get your attention because he's always trying to communicate with you. And you have to make eye contact with him because you can't, you can't see.

You have to read, you have to read his board. It's, it's almost like being with someone who's in a hospital and you know, yeah, like very sick, who's eating food through a tube. Yeah, and yeah, writing everything down. More applesauce. And he'll—

it's also like communicating with like a really smart baby who doesn't know how to talk yet, but they're really good with their hands and like motions. And it's like, it's the worst because it's like, I remember I was sitting in the car, he was sitting in the backseat, and I was asking where everybody wanted to go eat. And I was like, Nick, where do you want to go eat? And I didn't hear anything, and I forgot that he was a mime for a second. And I got like angry. I was like, Nick, where do you want to— and I was like Fuck, he's a mime. So I had to go look back and he was already holding up his sign saying he wanted burgers. So, so, and it's, and it's weird because he doesn't make a noise, but he was by far the loudest for some. I don't know. He was, he doesn't make sounds, but he was the most annoying out of all of us somehow.

Somehow he was the one drawing the most attention.

Yeah, somehow he was. And it's like, and it's so funny because like you get so used to him and you start to get annoyed by him. But then you get new people that come in and like that have never seen a mime and they go, oh my god, it's a mime! And like, like, you just want to go up to those people and go, it's not fun, try being here for 8 hours. It's like, it's so funny. And then, and then Mr. Nick gets so excited because there's a new person that appreciates him.

You know, I've never talked to him. No, I've never spoken. I've never— Joe ran into him on a video, Joe from Teeny Weeny Podcast. Yeah, he ran into him without the makeup once.

Our friend Joe ran into him when Mr. Nick wasn't wearing the mime makeup and Joe couldn't recognize him. And then—

No, Joe was like, I know you, I know you.

Yeah.

And it was him.

Yeah, and then Mr. Nick revealed himself to be the mime. I don't know.

Remember when you were trying to pay him in the driveway like the first time you met him? And you're like, how much do I owe you?

Oh my God, that was the worst.

Just fucking tell me, it's just you and I here.

No, it wasn't that. It was, he came for like a party or something.

Right.

I think it was for Zane's birthday.

Yes.

Yeah, he came for Zane's birthday, and we were in the driveway. I don't know if I told this story before, but we were in the driveway and I needed a police costume because the police strippers canceled on us. And he goes, he motions to me and he goes, he was like tapping his chest and he's like telling me, he's like, I have a police costume. Like, that's after like 2 minutes. I'm like, oh, oh, he has a police costume. I'm like, where is it? Where is it? And this is like, like, this is like a really big deal because this is like a huge birthday party I was trying to throw on for Zane. Like, that's the one where we surprised him with Kendall. And it was like, it was really tough because there was a lot of moving parts and I was filming and everything. I was filming everything and I was like leading the whole thing, the whole shoot for it. So I was very, very stressed out. And he's like, I have a police costume. And this is him without, without him talking. And I'm like, where is it, Mr. Nick? Where is it? And he goes, that's all you hear. And he's like pointing like he's like making a house out of his hands. And I'm like, great. It's at fucking home. It's at home. And I'm like, okay, give me your keys. I'll have my assistant run and get it. And then he's like trying to, and then he's like motioning something. And for like 2 minutes, I'm like, Mr. Nick, I don't know what you're doing. And I'm so stressed out because I have to go back inside and film. And I'm like, Mr. Nick, please. And meanwhile, Natalie's at a store trying to find a police outfit. It's 11 o'clock at night. No stores are open. She's having a difficult time, so this is my last hope. So I'm like, "Mr. Nick, please, how do I get to your home?" And she goes— and he goes— and then I run inside and I get him a pen and paper, and he finally goes, he goes, "My roommate. My roommate's inside my house. I don't have keys, but you need to call my roommate." And I go, "Okay, call your fucking roommate." And he motions to me and he goes, "I can't talk, I can't talk." And I go, "Just give me the fucking phone. Just give me the fucking phone." And I take his phone from him and I'm calling his roommate, and his roommate's not picking up because he's asleep. And then I'm trying to get Mr. Nick's keys, but he won't give them to me because he's confused. He's like, you won't know. And he's like trying to give me directions on how to get up to his house. And I'm like, I don't know how to do this. Like, you just need to talk. And I was like, please, for the love of God, just please talk. I was like, we were in my driveway. I'm like, there's no one here. It's me. My camera's inside the house. It's just me and you. Just please talk and tell me how to get this police costume. And I was so stressed out. I was screaming at this point. And he wouldn't tell me. He wouldn't break character. And I, and I think that's incredible. But the most fucking annoying thing on the planet. I was on— this is— it was my last straw with this guy.

But yeah, but he's very talented too. We should say that. He's been great in the videos and he's very sweet. He's like the sweetest guy ever.

He's very funny. He's very nice.

Just don't hang out with him for 10 hours a day.

Yeah, just be careful.

I went bowling the other day with my daughter and my grandma, my mom and son, and Wow, your mom's not gonna like that.

My grandmother, you just called her that old.

Your ex.

My ex.

Um, and, um, so, you know, you can get put bumpers up on the bowling alley.

Yeah.

So Charlie gets bumpers and me and Wyatt don't get bumpers, right? And so Charlie is bowling and, um, she's like getting like strike after strike after strike but hitting the bumpers or whatever. So finally my mom, my mom's just like the whole time, she's like, go Charlie! Go, Charlie! Oh my God, Charlie, another one! And then finally, like, at the 6th string, she goes, Charlie, it's unbelievable, you're having the game of your life! The ball goes to the gutter and then it automatically just stops and goes to the middle!

Get the fuck out.

And I go, I go, I go, the bumpers are up. And she was like, oh, oh, she's like, I thought she was having the game of her life.

Oh my God, it was so funny.

It is a little dark at Pins, but It's also a really dark story.

It almost just—

why was it dark?

Almost just sounds like your mom's losing it.

No, you can't see the bumpers.

My mom said that, I'd be like, oh my god, we need to take you, we need to take you to someone to go see and check up on you.

I love you, take it there.

That was— that's weird. That's so funny.

Jeff was going dark yesterday in New York. We woke up and we were taking the cab to come see you at the show, and, and I said, I said, you know what I said? I said, there's so many beautiful girls here in New York and they seem so different. And I said, maybe I could meet a girl in New York and, uh, and, you know, marry her and we could all move to LA. Maybe that would be smart. He's just like, he's like, yeah, but then, you know, she'll come out there and she'll be like, I don't have any friends. And then she'll be like, I don't have a job. And then she'll be like, why are you out here? She's like, why'd you move me out here? And he's just all day just taking it down. Like, you're taking everything to a dark place, Jeff.

And apparently they banned Snapple bottles in like parts of New York.

I love this story.

They used to have like— they used to have like bottle Snapple, but like glass Snapple, glass Snapple, and they had to get rid of them because people, people would use them as weapons. And people like Jeff himself would throw it at people.

That's how you greet people in Staten Island. You smash a Snapple bottle.

Yeah, so is that true?

So, I mean, it's probably like a cost thing, but I know Jeff was saying all his friends in Staten Island were bummed out when they went to plastic because you could no longer smash someone's head. I mean, part of it is Jeff is kidding.

Well, but he's not, because he was telling me that you guys were— you guys were going for a walk together and you were talking about the Snapple bottles the entire day.

We were.

And then you got to a restaurant and you asked the guy at the restaurant, where are the glass Snapple bottles? And the guy at the restaurant goes, Oh, they got rid of them. Too many people were hitting up, hitting each other's heads with it. Just to reaffirm everything you guys have been talking about. Is that true?

I mean, that's what he said. But, you know, everyone in Staten Island is funny, so it's hard to tell if people think everyone's in on the same joke. I think everyone is funny in Staten Island. That's my theory.

No, I think, I think people were actually using it to fucking kill each other with it.

Yeah, it's possible. It's— we don't really know. We'll never know the truth behind Jeff's You know, pass. Jeff's talking about cloning Nerf. That was the— we all sat down for dinner last night, and it's me, Natalie—

Cloning his dog?

Yeah, Natalie's mom, Natalie's grandmother, and the first thing out of Jeff's mouth is, "What do you guys think? I'm gonna clone my dog for $50,000." And he was dead serious.

That's not a bad idea at all.

Why?

What do you mean?

For a video? Or for life?

For everything. A cloned dog?

A cloned dog is not gonna be the same dog. It's not gonna be the same personality. It's weird. It's weird to clone your dog.

I don't think so.

I do, bro.

I would clone the fuck out of my dog.

Would you clone him? Would you clone a person?

Yeah, I would clone a person.

Who would you clone?

Me.

What's up, David? Hey, David.

I'd get more work done. I always say, man, if I could have— like, if I could have Natalie's job, we'd get a lot more work done. So I'd clone myself and fire Natalie. Natalie, you've been replaced. What's up, Natalie? She'd be so annoyed with two of me.

I got your job now, bitch.

And I wouldn't have to pay me as much. Oh my God.

But do you think that the second you would get annoyed with the you because you're so tough on your assistant?

That's the question. Is would—

Why is David being so hard on me today? Oh right, I'm an asshole.

Wait, that's such a good point.

Right.

If I clone myself, would he expect to be paid? Or would he— or would he just be— do you know what I mean?

No, he would become his own person. Of course he'd be expected to be paid.

Oh, okay. So if I clone myself, right, he wouldn't be like my slave?

No, you'd have to fight with him all the time.

He'd be a genuine person with actual rights. Like, he'd be a human.

Yeah, he's not your slave.

I don't—

enslave yourself.

I know, but like, let's think about this, because cloning isn't a thing yet, so there aren't rules for yet. So I don't know if he's He's— I don't know.

That's what would be cool is he'll know exactly what you're thinking before you even do it. So like a really good assistant knows, like, I know he's going to want this. It would be on another level.

Wow. So I'd clone him and I'd be like, I want you to be my assistant. And he'd be like, and let me guess, you don't want to pay me. I'd be like, yeah, how'd you know? He'd be like, because I'm you. That's really funny. Wow. That's really interesting. Oh, so you think I'd have to pay him?

Um, of course. I mean, that would—

but knowing me, if I was my own assistant, yeah, I would, I would be like, fuck this, I'm not working for this guy, I'm gonna start my own thing. And then my clone would start his own YouTube channel, competing channel, and he'd compete with me in life. And now there'd be two of me out there in the world doing this whole entertainment thing, and it'd be really tough.

Hey, can I get your read on something?

Wait, I'm not done talking about the cloning shit.

Oh, finish it then.

It's just really interesting. And you wouldn't clone your dog?

No, no, absolutely not. We had a golden retriever.

Wait, is he trying to clone it to— wait, when you clone it, does, does like, let's say, let's say this dog has like, this dog has cancer.

Yeah.

Does it clone the cancer? It does, right? So this—

I guess so.

Like if the dog has a limp, the new dog's gonna have a limp too.

Well, no, that— no, not at all, because that limp probably was developed by Nerf, like, you know, just over the years walking too much or something.

Oh, when you clone a dog Oh, duh. So when— duh, as if I know.

You get a fresh dog.

You get a fresh dog.

Fresh dog, yeah. Oh, so that looks like your last dog.

So it's from the beginning, but I don't think it has the same personality. No, no, but it's— how old is it?

Nerf's 12.

So will the new dog be 0 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 4?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, so it's a baby. So if I'd clone myself, I'd have a baby David?

Yeah.

Oh my God, this is amazing. Because I'm always scared that when I get too old, I won't be able to do my job. But now I'll just be able to do my job through me.

Through Baby David.

Wow. I've always thought about it. Imagine how fucked up it would be if we got— somehow recorded all these vlogs like years ago. Like we recorded these vlogs like 25 years ago and people don't know. And we're just slowly releasing them right now. But really we're all just old people right now, just raking in the money.

I wonder what the audience thinks of this side of you. It's a side that's coming out more and more. It's like Conspiracy Dave. It's like David took mushrooms. David took shrooms? Yeah, but you don't do mushrooms. But yeah, it's been coming out a lot more. I think they are. I mean, I actually like it. It makes your personality more dynamic.

I guess it is very interesting. Who knows? But okay, so you wouldn't clone your dog.

We had Hudson, the golden retriever, and then he died, and then we bought Duke, another golden retriever that looked just like him. I just would do that.

And they're different?

Hudson was better. Wow, Hudson was smarter.

Oh my God, that is so annoying. What if Duke listens to this podcast?

Oh fuck, um, you know, and my ex—

would you clone your kids?

I, I mean, if there was like a dire situation, yeah.

If one of your kids was dying of a terminal illness, would you clone your kid?

I can't believe we're going here. Uh, yeah, yeah, probably. Yeah, I guess if it would— if it would bring them back in this— wouldn't bring them back in the same exact way.

It'd be entirely selfish. Your son would die. That'd be a completely different soul, and then there would be a new soul, but he'd look exactly like your son, talk exactly like your son, but he wouldn't be the same. He wouldn't be the same.

Yeah, you're right.

What would you do?

You win that one, Dave.

You'd let your son die.

Wow, I can't believe we're going here.

No, I am. No, if I had kids, I would— I would not clone my son. Yeah, that's fucked up.

I honestly— you're presenting an idea that I haven't thought about, okay?

That's fucked up.

I know, on a podcast that's going out to a million people.

It's fucked up that you're even thinking about it, bro.

I'm thinking— I'm thinking— I'm coming from a good place. I'm thinking about my son and my daughter. You didn't say they wouldn't be the exact same.

No, it's like you're replacing your kid.

You know, you didn't say— we don't know that.

Well, now we know Jason Nash is a fucked up father.

Shit, exposed.

You're a horrible human. Okay, what were you gonna say? You need my opinion on something?

I need your opinion on something.

I was so into cloning. All right, well, guys, don't worry. We'll do a separate podcast all on cloning.

Yeah, talking about something we know nothing about. Um, go. Okay, so I was— look, I was in the airport. We all had a rough day at the airport yesterday with so many delays. And then when I landed in Chicago, I just saw a sea of people, like thousands of people trying to get on their planes, so pissed off at like 10:30 at night. And I thought at one point, this is all going to be gone. It'd be so archaic, right? This idea of getting on a plane, getting your luggage on the plane, waiting for your luggage. Will have a portal system. Now, my question to you—

teleporting— this entire podcast is like we fucking drank absinthe or some kind of really—

David and Jason's Science and Beyond on mushrooms.

You know, there's like one science nerd that was about to click off after cloning. He was like, ah, no more cloning, fuck this, I'm not listening to this. And then you go, but portals! And he goes, oh, okay, I'm back in.

So, so I I wanted to throw out two names for a portal system that we were arguing about last night. This would be like the name of the company. Oh, okay. Now, which one do you like better? And I respect your opinion, you're a businessman.

Yeah.

Would you rather the company be called Woosh?

Whoa, holy fuck.

That's pretty good. Or Bloop.

Those are both really good. Woosh or Bloop.

Yeah.

Damn.

Because we were arguing last night.

That's a really good question. And I didn't know it was gonna be that good. Like when you said whoosh, I was like, there's nothing better than whoosh. But bloop, whoosh, whoosh is you just portaled away. Bloop is you just showed up.

Well, it also depends on how it works. Do you disintegrate?

It's easy, I have the answer.

Okay, or do you bloop?

It's bloop.

Okay, yes, that's mine.

It's not whoosh.

Why?

Because whoosh is you just went away. You just disappeared. Whoosh. But bloop is you just showed up. You appeared.

Yeah.

And you don't want people to think that they'll disappear and they'll just go away. You want people to know that they've arrived. And that's why you choose bloop.

I love bloop.

You've arrived at your new destination and it can be used as a verb.

Where do you want to bloop today? Right.

You're right.

Pilot to copilot, this is Bloop Airways. We got about a 3-second flight.

We have 7 people blooping in. It's so crazy because like that may happen in the future, there may be fucking portals, and they're gonna call it Bloop, and someone's gonna dig this up, I don't know how they're gonna listen to podcasts, but they're gonna dig this up, and they're gonna be like, wow, this is where they first came up with the name Bloop. You just solved maybe one of the toughest parts of teleportation, the name.

Thank you.

Now that we have that, the rest of it may just come easy. Also, Bloop sounds like Silicon Valley tech people, like it's safe, No, Bloop sounds amazing.

Yeah.

But you know, it sounds Elon Musky, but you know what Bloop also sounds like?

What?

It sounds like it's gonna turn evil.

Like AI?

Yeah. It turns like, it sounds like, like an AI, like that's gone evil. Like that, like, like it sounds like someone made a robot. This is Bloop. Yeah. And he goes, hi, I'm Bloop. And then I'm gonna kill you. And then all of a sudden it's like the Bloops have turned on everybody.

Yeah.

And then Bloops are evil. That's what Bloop sounds like to me. It sounds like it has a little bit of an evil side to it.

Hello, David.

But yeah, portals. I do think portals— imagine how much we would get done with teleportation. Oh my god.

Imagine you want to like go to Vegas and like shoot your video, and you like grab Heath, you throw him in the portal in your backyard, and you're there.

It would also take the magic away of like traveling, and like, yeah, it would ruin a lot.

Well, just as social media and texting has taken away a lot, you know, like if you like a girl now, it, you know, right away, or it causes all these problems. But before, you'd like you'd really like pine over.

Yeah, now you can just ask right away, be like, hey, want to go out? No? Yes? Okay. And then now you know.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

It would, it would, it would ruin, like, it would ruin travel, you know? Because travel is like this big thing that like takes a lot to do, like, you know what I mean? Like the whole trip. It's like, you know what it is? It's like, have you ever gone to Six Flags? And it was raining, like drizzling, like very little rain, right? Enough where no one showed up, but not enough where the rides were canceled. So I was literally the only one there, and the biggest ride there was the Raging Bull.

You went by yourself?

Well, I went with my friend, and we were the only two people there, and we went on the Raging Bull, and we got done with the Raging Bull. It's the most popular ride there. The ride's always an hour or two hours, the wait. And then we did the ride, and we came back to the station, and they go, you want to go again? And we were sure. We didn't even get unbuckled. We did it 3 to 4 times. We just sat in one seat.

That's the best.

Because no one was— no one was at the park. Holy cow. No one was at the park. So we just kept doing it over and over again. And then we got— and then we were having the time of our lives for about 45 minutes.

Oh.

And then we got bored, because we're just like, everything's just given to us now. Like, it's like there's no wait.

Right.

We're not waiting for the ride. Like, we can get on any ride we want instantaneously. It's like— it's like beating a video game. Like, you know, when you beat a video game and you have all the unlocks and like it's not fun anymore because you don't have to work for anything. Yeah, that's like what it would be. Is there something that interferes with your happiness or is preventing you from achieving your goals? You better help. Online counseling is there for you. They have licensed professional counselors who are specialized in anger, family conflict, self-esteem, anxiety, relationships, sleeping, trauma, depression, stress, all kinds of stuff. Guys, anything you share with them is confidential. And if you're not happy with your counselor for any reason, You can request a new one at any time. There's no additional charge. There's over 3,000 US licensed therapists across all 50 states. Guys, you can schedule a video or a phone session. It's available worldwide. You can start communicating in under 24 hours. It's smart, secure, convenient, professional, and definitely affordable. Best of all, like I said, it really is affordable. Views with David Dobrik and Jason Ash listeners get 10% off your first month with discount code VIEWS. Why not get started today? Go to betterhelp.com views. Simply fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with the counselor you'll love. That's betterhelp.com/views. Betterhelp.com/views.

When I went to Burning Man, um, they hit a state— we hit a sandstorm and I was in a tent with a girl and she was like very experienced and I was like, this sucks. I'm like, I can't believe we all came here. This sucks. And she was like, she's like, no, That's part of Burning Man. When you make it through the storm, it makes everything better when it ends.

Oh wow. And then—

and it did. The sandstorm ended and it was like incredible.

Oh wow. Yeah, I guess you're right. That is pretty cool.

Watch out for those sandstorms, Dave.

And that's why Bloop doesn't work.

What?

Well, that was— what do you mean? That's why I was like—

It's coming.

No, that's why I was making the point. I was saying if you take away the waiting and the—

I just need $150,000.

If you— If you take away the frustration of traveling, then I feel like you're not gonna enjoy the destination as much.

And then why wouldn't you just bloop into a bank and take all the money?

Well, you can only bloop into other bloop areas.

Oh, oh, right.

So like when bloop first is gonna be invented, I have a feeling it's only gonna be New York to LA. It's gonna be, you can now bloop from New York to LA or back. And then you're gonna see a commercial and it's gonna be, Bloop now open in Chicago, Milwaukee, and Denver.

Wow.

Okay, great. And then you're going to see commercial. Bloop is going international. Bloop is going overseas. And now you can bloop to Europe. So you can only bloop to other portals. And then thousands of years into the future, thousands, you're going to have bloop in your home. Bloop from the very own comfort of your own home. And then that's going to be great. But it's going to raise an issue. It's going to raise— can people bloop to my house?

Yeah.

Now that I can bloop out of my house, like, will people be able to bloop into mine?

Well, you'd have like a lot.

And then Bloop will put out a whole press release and go, no, no, no, you can turn your bloop off when you're not using it.

So no one will have access to your bloop unless our customers are the most important things to us here at Bloop.

Yeah.

Yeah. You'd have a lock on your bloop.

And then there's going to be conspiracy theorists like they're They're feeding gases into your home through the Bloop, and they're making you vote for a certain political party, and then that's all gonna go. So yeah, Bloop is— so let's just name this podcast Bloop.

Yeah, and we've officially lost our minds here, so we're sorry.

Yeah, I mean, it all sounds like a fun time, but a scary time. So thank you for listening to our podcast. This has been Abuse Podcast. A very scientific and drugged-out podcast. My name is Jason. No, fuck.

My name is David.

Fuck.

I'm David's clone.

My name is David, and that's Jason, and we're fucking high. No, I'm kidding. But this has been the Beasts Podcast. We'll see you guys later. My name's Jack.