David and Jason go to Prison

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. Jason actually just farted, farted, and it smells like shit in the room.

Okay, well, there you go, kind of embarrassed me once again. I'm— I guess I'm David's comedic foil. He told me the other day that all I'm good for is laughing behind his videos. So he said, he goes, I tried to shoot this thing with Dom the other day and it didn't work because you weren't there laughing at how funny I am. That was what you basically said.

No, I said, I said the room felt empty without other people laughing.

Yeah, is that I'm good for. And you go, basically, I roll the intro music.

All right, guys. So Jason and I, the other day— oh, this is The Views Podcast. I'm 26, 23, 22, 26. I'm 22, soon to be 23. Jason's 45, 46.

Fuck. I just turned 46.

It's fine. It's fine.

It hurts.

Yeah.

Some ages hurt more than others. What age hurt for you?

Uh, 20. That was fucking crazy.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, 'cause you're no longer a teenager. But, okay, so this is what I wanna talk about. The other day, Jason and I went to pick up an inmate from a prison.

That's so nuts.

Yeah. Our friend Jeff, he's an ex-con. He used to deal drugs. And one of his friends, one of his ex-drug dealer friends, ended up in jail for 3, 4 years. 38 months he was there. So we went to go pick him up and I was really fucking scared to pick this guy up.

Yeah, you were.

What were you thinking?

I mean, I really trusted Jeff. I was scared too, but he assured me so many times that it was a 6-hour drive to get this guy.

So we left at— what was it?

It left like 12:30.

12:30.

Yeah, Jeff drove 120 miles an hour. So quickly. Dangerous.

It said arrival time said 6:33.

Yeah.

And then when we were 20 minutes away, arrival time was 5:27.

He doesn't cut an hour out.

That's how fast he was fucking driving. He drives literally 130 miles per hour.

At one point he tried to split two 2 18-wheelers on a 2-road highway, 2-lane highway. If he—

I'm surprised we weren't flying. I'm surprised the car just didn't catch wind.

I was asleep in the back getting air.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I would wake up every time, but I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to be like, "Can you slow down?" Yeah, so— He's just so fucking tough.

So we got there at 5:30, and we drove around the prison grounds, and there was no one there.

It's a huge prison.

It's a huge prison. 4,000 people. Yeah, 4,000 people in there. There's not a— we didn't see a single correction officer, single police officer at all.

No.

Up until like the— like, first of all, prison is so fucking confusing to me. This was my first time seeing a prison. I am still so, so confused as like, I— like, there— it's just a fence and there's a bunch of buildings and then there's people inside that can't leave.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? I'm gonna sound like an idiot, but I understand that—

This is your wheelhouse.

This is, yeah. I sound like an idiot? That's what you're good at. I understand that we've made the decision that these guys aren't fit to be in the general public 'cause they're dangerous, right? But how crazy is that, that there are people stuck in this prison place, and you can't go up to the guard and be like, dude, please, please let me go. Come on, come on, I've been here fucking a week, please.

You can't. I would love to, Dave. Cannot let you go.

You can't. Like, you can't beg to get out of there. You're stuck there for 40, 50 years for whatever you did.

His cellmate was doing time, doing 40 years.

That's Jason. On murder. I don't understand that. I mean, I understand that these are horrible, horrible people, right? And they should be there. But there are people that get locked up for the wrong reasons. Like, have you seen those stories? Like, guy was in jail for 30 years, and then new technology came around. Turns out he never fucking did it.

Oh yeah, DNA.

Jace, what the fuck is wrong with that? How is that okay? How could someone be— imagine you're in jail for 30 fucking years for a crime you weren't even there for. Yeah, you were at the park with your kids and someone comes up to you and goes, hey, I think you killed my fucking wife. And you go, what? What the fuck are you saying?

Yeah.

And then all of a sudden you're in court and there's 12 people there that you've never met that are deciding whether or not you should go to jail for 40 fucking years.

There's a lot of wrong cases and it's usually people that are marginalized.

That's insane, Jace. It happens. I think I'm turning into Kim Kardashian and I'm about to fucking free people. That's crazy to me. And then you're sitting there, you're sitting there, it's your fucking 4th year in jail, and you're going up to the guard and being like, look at me, Derek. Do I look like I fucking killed anybody? And at this point you're going so crazy that Derek the guard's going like, oh yeah, this guy definitely fucking murdered somebody. He's fucking insane. But the only reason you're insane is because you've been trapped in there for so long. It blows my mind, Jay.

David also, we were just driving and told me that it blows his mind that the world gets dark at night. He just was driving down Hollywood and he was like, he's like, this is fucking nuts. This is insane that it's light for half the time and then suddenly it's dark. And then they're like, hey, we're gonna have to get lights. We're gonna have to create lights.

That's a total different topic. Okay, that'll be our next podcast, Prison in Darkness. Can we save that for next week? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, I don't want to—

Night and Day, I have too much. Night and Day is a thing I really want to dive into. I want to— I want that to be like a long segment. No, I don't know. I I, I don't know if I'm explaining myself.

There's bad people in the world and they have to go behind bars so you and I are safe.

But yeah, I get that, but it's just so crazy to me how, how, like, this was, this is my first time visiting prison, how the prison was in the middle of a normal town. It was like, that is so crazy. Yeah, there are people less than a half a mile away going to school every day, buying groceries, doing whatever they want, traveling, going to going to Alaska, going to Jamaica.

Freedom.

Freedom. And then there are people that are stuck in this little cell thing for 50+ years. Well, I think it blows my mind.

Well, I think of it more like a school.

And you know what? Yes, it's a school, but you're stuck there forever.

Where you can get fucking knifed. Yeah, in the showers.

So first off, I think why I'm so like scared of the whole prison system is because one of my biggest fears is getting wrongfully imprisoned.

Yeah.

Did Dad tell you the story about like I had a friend once who would see a car chase on TV, and the car chase was because the guy murdered somebody, because he accidentally ran over someone, and he'd be watching the car chase, and I'd be sitting with him, and he opened up to me one day and he goes, "I've never told this to anyone, but I have these thoughts where I think that I'm the one that committed the crime, that I'm the one that hit the person, and I can't help but think that." When did he say this?

When he was like a kid-kid?

Yeah, when we were 12? No, when we were like 16. Yeah, so kind of old, and that was really scary. He thinks he's committing crimes.

I think I've kind of done something like that too.

That's really weird.

Or at least thought about like—

What is it?

I always cover my bases whenever I leave somewhere. Like if I go to my ex-wife's house, I always like— I don't always, but I always like try to like make it so like people know where I am. Just in case like something happens.

Oh really?

Or people want to accuse me of something. Yeah, I always think about that.

What do you mean?

Like, I always put myself in low-risk situations. I mean, except when I'm with you, but yeah, I like, like, I always want people to know where I am in case something happens.

Oh, so you think about this?

I do.

Yeah, like being wrongfully imprisoned.

Yeah, I think a lot of people think about it. I think I used to have a friend, he said he wanted to carry a cyanide capsule just so he could fucking take it.

That's a painful way to go out, I heard.

A cyanide capsule?

Yeah.

Oh really?

Yeah, I heard that's not a fun way.

What's a fun way to go out?

I don't want to say it because I don't want to give anybody ideas if they're like trying to end it all, so I'm not going to say. But I know that there are very non-painful ways to do it.

There is?

Yeah.

Oh, um, let's not go to that. But stay alive, guys.

But, uh, but in all seriousness, like, if that— if it got to the point where I was being put into prison in 40 years, I'm 100% the type of guy where I'm like, please, like, get me out of here.

Please kill me. We've talked about this. We talked about it way too much. I was, I was shocked at, um— so then when We went there and then we got stopped by the guards right away. Remember that?

The guards were like, "Are you guys filming?" And we're like, "No." 3 big DSLRs. We all were holding 3 cameras in our hand. And they go, and we go, "We're just visiting our friend. He's being beat." I said, I listened to the playback and it was me going, I sounded like a 12-year-old. I was like, "We're visiting our friend. He's getting out of jail today." That's how I sounded. And the guard goes, "Well, you're gonna stay here if you keep recording." And I go, "Fuck." Okay, so we left. And then we came back and they wouldn't let us back, 'cause they're like, we saw you on the cameras recording the prison, you're not allowed here anymore, go pick up your friend at a train station. So they wouldn't let us back onto the prison grounds, and Jeff, our friend, who used to be an inmate, started backtalking the security guard. He was like, no, let us in, we're here to see our friend, we haven't seen him in 3 years, let us in. And the security guard was like, no, you need to leave now. And Jeff was like, what the hell are you saying? We're gonna stay, like arguing with this guy who works at a prison, and Jeff, went to jail once, so I think he like, he snapped right back into it.

He went right back into old prison versus guard kind of thing. Yeah, that's all I've heard Jeff says. He's like, these fucking guys, they don't want to fucking do anything. They sit around eating donuts all day.

It was really scary.

They don't fucking care.

So then we got, we got the, um, we got, um, we got Jeff's friend out of jail.

Yeah, we waited for him at the bus station. Corrections vehicle.

He came in and my immediate, my immediate like thought was this guy's gonna come out and he's gonna like kiss the ground. He's gonna, he's gonna wave his hands in the air. He's gonna— every, every, every store we pass by, he's gonna be like, oh my God, there's McDonald's, there's Target. Like, you know what I mean? But he was, he was on Instagram the entire fucking time.

I mean, you probably would be too.

The— I, I know I would be.

If you couldn't have Instagram for 4 years, but pretty powerful.

He was on Instagram the entire time. He didn't look up. Jeff had to take the phone out of his hand because he was like, this is gonna fucking rot your brain. Look outside, let's go outside. Yeah, I think we had to pull over just get him out of the car so he could experience freedom.

We were ready to show him all these things that like were happening since he was in jail, and he knew them all. Like, he, he, he—

I was like, Trump's president. Yeah, and he's like, I know.

He even said, uh, put on that Taylor Swift, Brandon Urie song. Oh well, which is a brand new song.

No, what was funny is like, is like I, I put on like a Rihanna song and Jeff turns to him and he goes, yeah, David's a fucking pussy, he listens to this shit. And, uh, and his friend turns, turns to me and goes, Oh, that's all good. I love this shit. I actually love Taylor Swift's new song. Yeah, and that shut Jeff right up. And I thought he was gonna turn around and call me a little bitch and like bitch me out because he was just in prison for 4 years, but he was very sweet. And then we listened to Taylor Swift. Yeah, for literally the next 25 minutes.

And Jeff's friend came out yoked. Yeah, they showed me pictures of him when he went in and he was pretty fat. Yeah, over— out of shape. And he came out, yeah, he's huge.

You should go to jail.

I should.

You should go to fucking jail.

I mean, I'd be in great shape. Holy fuck, I would be in good shape if I wasn't working with you all day.

You'd come out looking amazing.

Oh yeah, I'd be great. Did you hear when, um, you want to go to prison for a vlog?

You keep suggesting that. I know I do.

Such a bad idea. Did you catch when, um, Jeff's friend was bragging about his miles? He does a 7-minute mile. Yeah, we're like, oh Jeff, that's pretty good. And he's like, it's like, if I went to fucking prison, I could do a fucking 4-minute mile.

You believe this shit?

Yeah, it's like, fuck that.

They were funny about that. And I was, I was, I was asking about about, like, I had so many questions about prison. One of the things I found out, which was interesting, was when you go to prison, when you go to the yard, you have like a piece of paper with you. It's like your file, and on the file there's like a bunch of check, like a bunch of boxes that the guards will check. And like one of it is if you're a sex offender, they'll check that box. If you got, if you got caught for robbing, they'll check that box. Or if you got caught for, you know, killing someone, they'll check that box. And the inmates on the yard, when you first come to jail, they all check your—

they ask to see your papers.

They ask to see your papers. And then, and then if you're— if it turns out that you're a fucking— you commit some kind of sexual crime, they'll fucking stab the fuck out of you, and they, they will literally make your life a living hell. That's fucking insane.

He did say that. He was like, yeah, they're done. They just get stabbed.

Yeah, he's like, if you kill— if you come in, if you fucking sexually assaulted someone, you're dead. You're fucking dead. That's what he said.

Fucking nuts.

That's crazy.

He also said they all have phones in there. Yeah, he said tons of drugs.

He said people sneaking phones. He said all the guards are corrupt. Mm-hmm. And like, for $1,000 you can get a cell phone. He said he sees some of his inmates had in-and-out one day, that the guards brought them in and out. Like, that's fucking crazy. So like, all these, all these guards are just as corrupt as— I mean, not all of them, but you know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, I was proud of Jeff's friend though. He like Sounded like he was like not doing anything bad, staying in shape.

Oh, it was so great.

For 2 years and he was out.

Jeff was like, "Let's go. Let's go fucking rob a place," like trying to egg him on, and he goes, "Nah, man. Nah. I found God. I found God," and then he starts playing Christian music. It was like out of a movie. Yeah, like this.

Jeff was like, "I give this God shit 2 weeks. He'll be back banging abroad in the fucking bathroom of a nightclub." It did change him, at least for now.

I don't know. The whole prison thing is just—

It was really crazy. And then Jeff tried to get him to drive because we were setting up that prank.

Yeah, and he wouldn't even drive.

Yeah, he wouldn't even do it.

He's like, "Oh no, I can't, I'm on probation." And then we set up a prank where we were driving and when we were like 30 minutes away from home, we had a fake police officer pull us over because Jeff didn't have any license plate. And that went well. We tricked him. He was really excited about that. He was really happy. And then 3 hours later, Jeff actually got pulled over by a real cop for the same reason, and he had to turn to Cody and go, yo, yo, yo, this isn't a joke. This isn't—

are you kidding me?

No, they got pulled over. They got pulled over for the exact same reason.

Hollywood?

Yeah, in Hollywood.

Did the guy check Cody's papers?

No, he didn't even give Jeff a ticket. He just said, get this fixed. And then, and then Jeff had to tell him this is not a prank. Yeah, right when they got pulled over, Jeff turned him and went, yo, this is real, this is real, this isn't a prank. Right after, literally 3 hours after we pranked him with a cop. So he had an interesting first day out. I don't know. Have you ever had a friend that went to prison?

No, I never known anybody that went to prison. We had, um, my mom had a friend when I was growing up, and he told me he was a prison guard for like all the time. He would come over and tell me stories about being a prison guard and stuff, and then I found out later that he was in prison. He wasn't a prison guard. He just lied.

Oh wow, that he went to prison once. What was the story he'd tell you?

Oh, he'd just tell me stories about guards and sneaking stuff in, same kind of stuff Cody told me. Notice.

Why is it— how is it that guards sneak stuff in? Is that not illegal?

I don't know. Everyone lied to me when I was a kid. Do people just lie to you all the time?

All the time.

What is that? Why do people lie to kids? And, you know, kids are smart. They know. They know when you're lying. Well, I didn't. I was fucking dumb.

I was only lied to about 9/11 and Santa Claus. That's like the only ones I can remember. But those ones were pretty fucking— those ones hurt. Those were embarrassing.

Did you ever have anyone go to prison?

No, never. Yeah, I think my dad spent that he was in jail in Germany once.

Oh yeah?

For like a day. He didn't have papers. I could be completely making this up. Every time I say something about my parents and it's incorrect, they call me the next day, like frantically.

He was not in jail in Germany.

It was Switzerland. And it was just for 2 hours. So okay, I don't know. I think my dad went to jail for like a little bit.

This is your wheelhouse.

I think my jail was—

This is your other wheelhouse.

Making up things? I think my dad was in prison for 7 years. I could be wrong. No, my dad's not in prison.

I heard you hung out with John Stamos the other day.

Yeah, I hung out with John Stamos.

Man, you're so lucky.

It's the best.

What's he smell like?

He's the best. He's so nice.

What's he smell like?

Great.

Yeah.

So clean.

Really clean.

Like, his entire life has been great.

Do you think he has ice cream?

Yeah, in his fridge? 100%.

He enjoys ice cream?

No, I think he just enjoys breathing. I think when John Stamos takes a breath of fresh air, it tastes different. I feel like the filtration in his mouth mouth. Yeah, makes air taste better. Oh my God, like his quality of life just has to be better than everybody else on the planet. He's such a happy, fun guy.

What'd you talk about?

I can't tell you, man, because if I told you, you'd be jealous because that's how fun of a time we're having.

How's things going here at Camp Dobrik?

Camp Dobrik is good. I was, um, I had, um, we had like, I can't say what happened, but we had, we had, we had a shoot come in. Yeah, yeah, where they were shooting the house and we had a cleaning crew come in and they misplaced my toothbrushes.

Okay.

And I knew I had the blue toothbrush because I use a blue toothbrush.

You just sounded 8.

So I checked.

I know that my toothbrush is blue.

Yeah, so I checked, I checked the drawers for my blue toothbrush and I found it next to 2 other blue toothbrushes that were already opened. So there's 3 blue toothbrushes just sitting in my drawer. So I didn't know what to brush my teeth with. And I went to Natalie and I was like, Natalie, can you get me toothbrushes because I can't brush my teeth? And she goes, just use one of those toothbrushes. And I go, no, because— and she thought this was weird— because when I'm done with a toothbrush, I have this weird thing where I feel the need to use it one last time. So I use it to scrub the floor or clean a crack in my bathroom or like use it to— I usually use it to scrub the vent. And I don't know. Yeah, it's really weird. And I don't know out of those toothbrushes which two I already used to scrub the floor.

Out of all your quirks that I've heard on the two years of this podcast, that one—

that's weird.

That one's got me. So when you finish with a toothbrush and you're like, the bristles have gotten just a little too much for you— yeah, out of place, which I get— you then need to do something other than your teeth.

I need something— I need to do like one more thing with it, like one thing that like I could never ever do with a toothbrush normally, you know what I mean? Like, I'm like, before I throw this out, I don't know why, it just feels so— it feels so right.

Don't ever tell John Stamos this.

No, this is what we bonded over. So one time, like, back home, I would use it to like clean the toilet. So I would— I would—

I would— don't clean toilets, but you just—

oh, I don't clean. I don't clean at all. I'm not even like a person that like likes scrubbing things. But like, like, I'll be down with a toothbrush and I'll go around like the, the rim of the toilet and I'll scrub it because I'll know I'm never using the toothbrush again. I'm never gonna see it, but it's brand new right now for the toilet. So if I dip it in the toilet, it's like I'm using like, I don't know, I don't know.

So this new toothbrush that you got, you're gonna, what will you do with it when you're done?

Well, I literally use it just to, I scrub the drain now every time. But I don't think it does anything. I just scrub it just because I just do it.

And then when I'm, I also do, this is a, this is a dead body in my trunk.

No, another thing I do, which I guess I have like a shower routine. So when I'm done showering, every time, as I'm— I wonder how many people do this. This is probably a lot of people do this. When I'm done showering, I fill my mouth up with water.

Yeah.

And I cup my hand right under my chin and I spit the water into my hand and I let it run down my body. I know that sounds weird, but that's what I do.

Why?

I don't know. I've always done it and I always— and I think if I don't do it, I'm gonna have a bad day.

Oh, so it's like superstition?

Yeah, it's just like superstition. So like, I like the last bit of water that runs down from the drain before I turn it off, I hold it in my mouth and then I spit it. I don't spit, I just let it go out of my mouth.

Do you get soap in your eyes still?

No, not anymore.

I still do.

I use, well, I use Suave Kids, the kid shampoo, and it's tear-free. And it's not tear-free. Oh, that's nice. Did you know that it's not tear-free?

I didn't.

I still get that shit in my eyes and I still tear up. Yeah, they mean it's tear-free, like it doesn't put tears in your hair, like knots. Oh yeah, like it frees the knots up. Like, that's what they mean. It's not tear-free because it's still soap. Like, put it in your eyes, it's still gonna fucking burn.

It's still gonna sting. Yeah, yeah, but baby shampoo doesn't sting, so why don't they just make it—

Have you tried that?

Baby shampoo? Yeah, there's been many times that I've been in a in a shower with a baby. I've showered with my baby.

You have?

Yeah, it gets it done quick.

I would take, I would take baths with my dad. That's so fucking weird to think about now. Yeah.

Did you look at his penis?

Of course. I don't want to talk about it because he listens to this podcast.

But I mean, why would you take baths with him?

I was 17. I didn't know any better. No, I, cuz no, this was like when I was like really young.

Sure.

I mean, is it— doesn't every parent take a bath with their kid? I'm talking like really young, like when I'm a baby and I can't even walk. I don't remember it, but I know I would.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah. I don't remember ever sitting in the tub with my dad.

One time I walked through a YMCA and my mom took me through the women's locker room when I was like 5, and I remember seeing everybody's bush and huge tits.

Oh my god, dude, YMCA bathrooms. My dad would make me go to the YMCA because I had to—

You went through the women's locker room?

No, holy shit, no. No, I would go to the men's.

Try going this way this time, David. This way is a lot more fun. Ah! Ah!

No, we'd go to the men's and like we'd change there and I was always so uncomfortable. I'd always change in the bathroom, like in the stalls, and there's always these guys walking around with their dicks. And it was like so crazy to see.

Yeah, older guys do that. Very old men like to walk around.

Very old men with tiny penises and then with huge penises. It's so crazy to see the difference. Yeah, like, you know what I mean? Like, everyone has like the same size hand, but there's something about a dick. For some reason, everyone else has a different size penis. I don't know what it is. You could go up to anybody, be like, show me your hand. Yeah, and you won't go, oh, that's fucking weird, pretty much the same, pretty— that's pretty small. But with dicks, They're all so different, and you really don't find that out until you join a YMCA. And this podcast is brought to you by YMCA. No, but I'm— that is interesting.

We found out tonight that a friend of ours has a giant penis.

Yeah.

How'd that make you feel?

I, I support it. I love when I hear my friends have big—

you're happy for him?

Yeah.

We're jealous.

No, I wasn't jealous.

I was so jealous.

Really?

Yeah.

No, I feel like—

I feel like especially when that girl described it, she was like, oh, it's like this. And then she goes— this, this was the thing that really got me— she showed me how long— she showed us how long it was, like, she— with her hands. And then And she goes, and then the girth.

Yeah, and then she's talking about how fucking wide it was. Yeah, that was fucked up.

That's what really got me. If you have both.

Yeah, that made me feel kind of uneasy.

And then she was like, it kind of hurts.

And then I was like, oh, okay, good.

So it's not good.

Yeah, sounds horrible. Um, no, but yeah, I guess, I guess YMCA is definitely the place to be. Real quick, I want to tell you guys about Stitch Fix. It's an online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle.

Even my body?

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And items too. You get items and 5 items.

That's stitchfix.com/views. If you'd have to be trapped in prison or the YMCA bathroom for the rest of your life, where would it be?

I mean, the YMCA bathroom for sure. Yeah, just like naked chicks walking all over.

No, no, the man—

oh, the men's—

the men's bathroom.

I mean, prison sounded awful.

Yeah, prison was horrible.

It sounded so awful. And even with all the accoutrements that they have nowadays—

What's accoutrements?

Accoutrements is like, uh—

Do you make up words? Do you say these big words because you want me to look like an idiot?

I feel like you've been around a long time.

I feel like you write them in your notes and you go, fuck, like, let's fuck with David and show people how stupid he is.

You've never heard of accoutrements?

I've never.

It's like a French word. Accoutrements, like, you know, extra things that, you know, like if you were saying, if you ordered like, well, I don't even know how to describe it.

You don't even know?

Like if you went to a hotel and there was like nuts, but there was also soaps and there was also extras.

Accoutrements. Okay, I don't care.

Don't be upset because you don't know a word.

Shut up.

It's not a big deal.

I learned— I—

maybe you should go to— maybe, maybe now that you've done so well in life at such a young age, maybe you should go to college.

No.

Wouldn't that be fun? Like, what— like, think about that.

No, I know things. I just don't know words.

We're not talking about that. I don't care that you don't know words. You'll know the words eventually.

Oh, okay.

But what I'm saying is, like, like, you're, you're very— you're pretty rich now, but let's say you're like a billionaire now.

Okay, right. Oh, if I was a billionaire, I'd go back to school.

You would?

Yeah, okay.

What'd you study?

What?

What would you study?

I'd just be at the frats.

I don't know, with my camera, with Zayn and he.

I'm gonna study? No, I don't know.

You wouldn't?

No. I mean, maybe I'd go back, but there's a— like, I would never feel the necessity to go back to school. Like, if I'm making a lot of money, I'm gonna be like, I need to keep making money, right?

Yeah. My sister's really funny. She just graduated from Harvard at the age of 50. Last week.

Oh, I didn't even realize that. That's crazy.

Yeah, she was like— she like— she was older than me. She went to college, like, didn't do well. Then we couldn't afford to send her to college.

Why'd she do that?

So that's just like cleaning toilets for years. And then she like kind of figured out how to do like computer programming and got a pretty good job computer programming. And then she just kept going to night school, and she got a fucking degree from Harvard last week.

Does she like it?

Yeah. And I said, what are you gonna do with it? She goes, I just, I just wanted to learn. Wow. It was like the most— like, we're so different, my sister and I. Like, she's just like this pure soul. I'm like, I want money, you know what I mean? I want to be famous.

Speaking about, um, like the YMCA, I went to my doctor's appointment today. I got a checkup.

Oh, good for you.

Really amazing.

Taking care of yourself.

I haven't had a checkup.

You want a cookie?

In 6 years? No, I'm actually not allowed to because I found out. No, I have diabetes. No, so I told him I didn't have a checkup in 6 years. Yeah, so like he was checking everything and he was doing it really quick. Like he was like, open your mouth. I was like, yeah, and he checked. He's like, good. Like he didn't even go in there with— he didn't use any tools, nothing. Which, is that normal now? They don't use tools? He didn't hit my knee with one of those, the reflex stuff, the hammer. He didn't do any of that.

That's outdated.

Oh, that's outdated?

I don't know.

And the part that scared me the most is he never, he never touched my— I know this is gonna sound— he never touched my balls. He never like grabbed my balls and asked me to cough.

Yeah, to see if you had cancer there or something.

Yeah, he didn't do that. And I was— I told Natalie, I was like—

Where'd you go to this doctor?

Beverly Hills. I was like, I don't think this guy was doing a good job. Like the mall or something? Huh?

Where did you find this doctor?

The mall? Is that what you want me to say? No, but, um, yeah, I told Natalie, I'm like, I don't think— I don't think—

did you say that to him? Did you go, hey, hey man, maybe you want to run this over a couple times?

If you want to go back, touch me. I was expecting him to fucking undress me and like really like examine me and make sure like I'm okay. Like, I don't know, because I told him I haven't been there for 6 years. And then the, the other doctor— the other doctor walked in with like the needles, and I fucking hate needles, hate needles. And he ties one of my arms down like ready to find the vein. And he goes, ah, you know, it's gonna hurt in this arm. Let me try the other arm. Let me find the vein in the other arm, 'cause it's gonna hurt here. And then he goes to my other arm, and he goes, fuck, I can't find the vein here. We gotta go back. And I was like, well, you just fucking set me up for this to be the worst experience ever. You just told me how bad this arm's gonna hurt, and now he's coming back.

You just had a guy go into your mouth and rip two teeth out of your face, and you can't take a little needle?

And I told him, I told him, I'm like, I hate needles. I'm like, how do you deal with the pain? I was like, dude, needles fucking terrify me. That's why I'm doing this job, because I like inflicting pain in others. He said it as a joke.

Maybe this wasn't the right doctor for you.

No, actually, these were really cool doctors.

So he just goes, you're fine.

Yeah. Well, I got blood work done, so I'm going to find out if there's anything wrong with me. But yeah, I was just surprised that my balls weren't grabbed. That's about it. That's the title of this podcast. David's shocked that his balls weren't touched at the doctor. I don't know. I don't know. I feel like when you go to the doctor, you're supposed to be uncomfortable, and I was very comfortable the entire time, and I think that's what scared me. It's like he wasn't like— I don't know, maybe it's an LA doctor, so they're a lot more like—

I think he just knows you're young and he's like, "Yeah, it's nothing wrong with it." I'm like, "He touched my balls." All my doctors in Vernon Hills touched my balls, and I was fucking a lot younger.

I was 14.

Those guys are on trial.

I wouldn't be surprised. Oh, I guess you're fucking— that is really creepy.

Sometimes I think I am gonna die. I think I'm gonna die. This lifestyle that we live.

Oh, I think I'm gonna die all the time.

Oh my God, I just, I can't even stand up anymore.

Yeah.

I'm done.

It's hard to watch you. It's hard to watch you go through stuff, man. You ever need to make a website for anything, Jason?

Yeah, tons of stuff.

Like what?

I have little gnomes that I sell on the side.

Okay.

Yeah, with cocaine in them.

What did you use to make that website?

Squarespace I used, you dummy. What kind of fucking question is that?

What's wrong with you?

Squarespace. Well, I just think you'd be dumb not to ask it. Obviously I use Squarespace, guys.

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I'm gonna make a website, David's Word of the Day.

Oh, please.

And I'm gonna grab a bunch of words.

And every day I go on there and learn something new.

Yeah, and you can go on there, maybe some other people, and people can donate.

Were you ever in school? What pranks would you guys play on each other at school? Like, we used to have laptops.

People used to tell me they like me.

They still do. They still pull those pranks on you. We used to have, like, these laptops. Like, there'd be a cart that would come around, and everyone would grab a laptop. And then when one of our friends would go to the bathroom, we changed the background on the laptop to like a pair of tits or something like that. So then when he got back and he sat down, there were boobs on his computer right in the middle of class. That would be really funny. But do you guys ever do stuff like that?

Like, we did that but with an abacus. I don't—

there's another word.

Fuck.

What's an abacus?

An abacus is an old— it's like the world's first calculator. They used to count things.

That's so fun. The laptop from the Remember, I think I've said this on the podcast, but remember, like, remember, like, in— I remember when I was in, in school, I don't know if this happened to me or if I read this online, but, but like, the teacher would always go like, like, it'd be a math test and I'd be like, can I use the calculator? Can I use a calculator?

Yeah.

And they'd go, you're not gonna have a calculator with you everywhere you go when you're— when you grow up. No, you can't use a calculator.

Yes, I am, bitch.

I know it's not— everyone has a calculator in their fucking pocket. It's your phone.

Yeah, that always baffles me when I watch my kids do homework now. I'm like, like, can't you just look it up? Yeah, you know, like, what's the point?

I always— my argument was always like, if you can Google it and find out in a different way, it's not cheating. It's like if you're sitting in class and you can get on your phone and quickly Google something and you get the answer, you found out, you found out yourself.

There was one time I was cheating and I had my phone right in between my legs and there was like a— there's like a, like a steel a steel shelf that was right under our desks and it held our books. Like, it was like built into the desk and my phone slipped out of my, my phone slipped out of my like legs and landed right on the steel shelf in a quiet classroom setting when boom, and the teacher stands up and oh my God, I fucking, I nearly, it was, it was my final tune-up and I almost started crying. And I just got up and I went straight to like to blow my nose because I freaked out. Nothing really happened.

What do you mean? It sounds like you got in a lot of trouble or just barely. The stories you've told me on this podcast—

I didn't get into any trouble. I was actually pretty good. I didn't get into—

So to hide it, you went to blow your nose to hide the fact that your phone had fallen?

Well, I just made a bunch of noise like it dropped and then I got up and I just went to go blow my nose and nothing happened. I was really good about that. But yeah, a lot of people got in trouble for a lot of shit. Two of my friends got in trouble. They would go around, and I thought this shit was only in the fucking movies, but they went around one of our neighborhoods in my hometown, and they took a bat, and they destroyed like an entire street of mailboxes. I mean, I thought that was only in like Benchwarmers, like in the movie. They literally, one guy was driving, and the other was hanging outside of the window, and as they would drive by, boom, boom, boom. They would destroy women— uh, it was a woman— they would destroy wooden mailboxes. Wow. And they got in trouble for that because one guy had them on a security camera.

What kind of time did they get for that?

They just got— they got detentions. It wasn't bad, even though it's a federal crime.

They get phones in jail.

And then we'd have another friend who'd always staple something to himself.

Why would that be detention if it's out on the street? Isn't that not a school thing?

What do you mean?

Well, why would they get detention if they're with a male?

Because the school would find out about it, because like all the parents in the neighborhood wouldn't want to press like federal charges. Oh, they want to be like— they report to the school. And let the school handle it?

Yeah. Interesting. Did you ever watch wrestling when you were a child? Yeah. Who was your favorite wrestler?

Like WWE?

Yeah.

I liked The Undertaker.

Oh, I remember The Undertaker.

Did you watch wrestling?

I was so into wrestling.

You know I went to one? I went to WWE. Like, I went there. Where, in Chicago? Yeah, my friend took me to one, and I didn't know it was fake.

You didn't?

Until I got there. You know, there's still people think that it's real.

I don't think so.

You don't think so?

I mean, like 4-year-olds.

I got there and I, and I realized it was fake, and my friend did too, and he was a fan of it for like 6 years. Like, he had all the video games, he had all the shirts, all the action figures, and we got there. How old are you? I think I was—

But didn't you see it on TV?

Yeah. Oh yeah, we're watching on TV.

On TV it looked real to you?

Yeah, yeah, because there were sound effects and everything, and you're like, oh, Oh, the grunting, and you hear the announcers, and we were like 13 years old. Yeah, and then we got there and we sat pretty close, and we're like, oh, he didn't fucking hit him at all. That guy just fell on the ground. He didn't even trip. He just literally threw himself on the ground. Yeah, and we were so fucking upset.

Your friend too, right?

Yeah, he did. His little sister started crying.

Really?

And we had— I'm making that part up. She didn't cry.

What did the parents say? Like, yeah, of course it's fake.

No, no, they believed it. They all, they all believed it.

Not the brightest family.

No, I mean, listen, I still don't know what certain words are, so maybe the town I came from isn't the sharpest.

Something in the water.

Something in the water.

Something in the portillos.

And the portillos.

I see your friend Cass has an intern that's been helping out around here. Yeah. And I go, I saw her for a couple days, and she looks, she looks like she said she's in that intern mode, which is like not saying much, but she's like doing everything properly. Yeah, she seems like she knows what she's She was killing it, yeah. Yeah, sure, she's great. And then I was just sitting there looking at her, and you know, it was just crazy house as it is here. You and Natalie barking at each other or whatever. Yeah. And I just turned to her and I just go, "What do you make of this whole thing here?" And she goes, "Oh, everybody's fucking crazy." That was like the first time I heard her speak.

The first time I heard her talk was I was taking a shower and—

Oh, and I said, "Pass me the soap." No, no, no.

I was taking a shower shower, and I told Natalie to grab me Subway before I went in. And I got out and the Subway was there, and Megan was like, and Cass was like, Cass was talking about Megan, the assistant, or the intern, and Cass was like, Megan got so scared because we told her she needed the Subway to be here before you got out of the shower. And Megan was like, I was so fucking scared, I ran to Subway, and when I got in, I witnessed a car accident. And I couldn't go help him because I needed to be back to bring you the Subway. And I felt like I was leaving a crime.

What did you do to her to make her think that you were some tyrant?

Nothing. I think Cass and them just were like— They just told her. They were just like, you need to get this before he's out of the shower because he needs to go work.

Oh my god. It is so insane.

So she got it out really quick. I felt so bad. I was like, are you crazy? You could have fucking taken your time.

I've been working the last 2 days on something else. I haven't been here with you guys. And I was just like, okay, normal, everyone's very nice. I come in here for 5 minutes tonight and people are arguing, and then I'm not saying anything, and basically I kind of slink out of the room to find the podcast equipment, and just, David, you started yelling at me. Literally start yelling at me. I'm like, this is— it made me see like, this shit is not normal here. I spent 2 days on a movie set with with people, and people are like, oh, hey Jason, how are you? Okay, Jason, we're gonna bring you to wardrobe, and, uh, we're doing episode 2.

You're on a movie set where you're— or you're like on a show set where you're like the main actor, right? Yeah. So everyone's treating you nicely, and then you come back here and it's fucking— you're still on your high horse from the show.

I, I wasn't even like— I fucking swallowed my pride the minute I— the minute I fucking stepped in the driveway, I was like, okay, get ready. Hey, this is gonna be a little bit different.

That's what happens to me when like, when like we'll like do like a live show.

Yeah.

And like we're on stage and everyone's like so excited to see us.

Yeah.

And then we come back to LA and we're just, you know.

Oh, you're just normal Dave.

Yeah, we're just normal people in fucking traffic. Right. No one gives a fuck about you. It's so, it's so funny to see. Like it's so, it's like, what was it one time? One time we like had a live show and then like it was great 'cause there's so many people there excited to see us and then we went to a fraternity and they were like, get the fuck outta here. What are you doing here? And it's so great to see like, —like, that's awesome. It keeps you humble. It does. It not only keeps you humble, but it's so fucking fun. It's so fun. Like, I love being— I don't know.

And David wasn't even mad at me. Someone, one of our friends, was like questioning the way he does things, like basically like how—

what his workflow is like. I was yelling at you because I wanted you to come join the conversation.

You wanted me to take your side. Yeah, I was like, Jackson, where the fuck are you? And I go, I'm getting the podcast equipment.

Why are you yelling at me? Go fuck the podcast. Yeah, that was funny because Jason was like, Jason had no, like he didn't say a single word. So there's no reason to be mad at him at all. But he left the room and I was like, where the fuck are you going?

Did you know in France it's okay to fart?

I don't know where you found that out. That doesn't make any sense.

I made it up.

Maybe I'm doing what you do.

Did you make that up?

I mean, I remember you've said this before.

No, no, I didn't make it up.

And you do it to justify your farting. Farts. Every time Jason farts, he goes, in France, this would be fine. Which I don't know what that means. Are people— do people in France not smell things?

Oh wait, no, that's burps. Burps are okay. Oh, no wonder people hated me when I went to France.

Hey guys, dinner was great. Sir, what the fuck was that? Oh, you must have not heard me. It It was delicious.

That's why I got all those dirty looks.

Oh, you actually— did you actually think— no, okay, there's no way our culture thinks farting is okay.

No, it's burps. Burps are okay in France.

That's what I've heard. Burps.

Burps.

I've heard burps for sure, because that's like you're like full.

I've gone to a restaurant in France and it's all burps. Are you serious? Yeah, people burping all over. Women, children, dogs.

French dogs.

The waiters burp. Burp. Really? Yeah, just, just as a—

I feel like that would get you in trouble. Like, oh, is the waiter sneaking in food? Is he eating? Is he eating on the job?

You know, he's just, he's just fitting in.

So that's just— you burp and that's how people know that the food was good?

It's a compliment to the chef. Uh-huh.

And if you shit yourself, what is that? Is that like a serious appreciation? Yeah, I mean, if it's the best place you've ever eaten at, they want you to shit yourself. Sir, you need to prove to the chef. You need to soil your pants. I need to what?

Soil your pants. OK, I guess I can do that. France is interesting. What an interesting country.

I feel like you're the type of person where you can just meet the wrong French guy who just feeds you a bunch of bullshit, and you go with it the rest of the tour. Oh, so I need to stab the waiter in the arm if I like? OK. Well, sorry to the French people. Let's clear that up. Yeah, no farting.

If you're French, let us know what the customs are. We'd like to know.

It's probably not even burping. We probably just dug ourselves in the hole. We're never gonna be welcome in France. All right, guys. Well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. This has been A Viewz Podcast. Yeah, my name is Jeff. That's David. That's— sorry, that's Jason. I'm David. My name's Jeff, and We'll see you guys in San Francisco on Saturday.

There it goes.

Cobb's Comedy Club.

Here's the tour.

Come see me. Thank God that no one listens past the 35-minute mark.

And I'll be in— where are we gonna be? Oh, Chicago. I'll be in Schaumburg, Illinois on Sunday, June 9th.

Go check them out. Yeah, seems like it'll be a great show.

This sounds so fucking convincing. I came home tonight and— came home tonight like I live here. I came home and David goes, How was your day? Like that. And me, Natalie, and Cass were like, looked at each other like, I was like, it was good. Thank you for asking, David. That is out of character.

All right, I'll see you guys later. Bye.