Sex at My Mom's Apartment

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason thinks this is a waste of time because he's got bitches to be worrying about right now. And that's a quote, that's a quote.

I got one bitch to be worried about, you. Yeah, you're my fucking bitch to be worried about. Put some more fucking cologne on.

I wanted to smell good for you. We're in a room, we're gonna be here for 45 minutes.

God damn it, you smell like fucking Armani Exchange.

And that's a bad thing?

Yeah, it is a bad thing.

How would you know? You can't afford anything from Armani Exchange.

Oh, goddamn you, that was— that's a sore spot.

You know what else is a sore spot?

Buy my dying grandmother a cardigan there, and you know what? You know I was thrown out.

You know what else is a sore spot?

What?

That big zit on your net.

Net? On my net? Oh, am I fishing? Am I a fisherman on my net? Hey boys, bring up the fish! Oh wait a minute, I'm not a fucking fisherman and I don't have a net.

I fucked it up. Roll the intro music. Oh, and that was, and that was an intro song by Bruce Wigner.

I can't even breathe with the cologne you put on.

No, you're choking on your mother's cum. Okay, that was too much. That was too much.

That was too—

yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna pull back. Your mom listens to these too, right?

She loves it. She loves it.

Well, this is, this is the type of stuff she's getting. Um, guys, welcome back to Views. It's a podcast we have. Um, we do it weekly. Jason's a 44-year-old man and I'm a 21- 7-year-old cute innocent boy.

I didn't get an adjective.

Oh, you— well, I couldn't figure out one for you.

You did. Old.

Jason's just a dude who's trying to live life, and I'm a guy who's also trying to live life. Guys, recently, you know what's been in the news?

What?

Vine 2.

Oh yeah, someone texted me today about that.

If you guys don't know what Vine is, it was a 6-second app. It's where we all got our start, and by all I mean all our friends. And apparently there's a guy who's bringing it back and who's working on building it. And he's the founder of Vine 1, and now he's making Vine 2. Yeah. What are your thoughts on this?

I think it's gonna be a lot like Vine 1.

Okay, awesome, moving on.

I mean, no, I thought that exact same thing. Like, well, what's it gonna be? How can it be different?

Yeah, but I know, I know. If it's the same thing, I'm just like wondering your opinion. Are you happy with the fact that it's coming back?

Yeah, I think it's always good to have another app around.

You think it's good?

Yeah, I do.

I have such a problem 'cause I have to keep up with too many apps. And when Vine left, it was bitter. Bittersweet because I'm like, this sucks. Like, I got my start on it, but at the same time, I don't have to keep up with it anymore. And Vine takes up a lot of your time. Vine's not like— Vine's not like Twitter or like Snapchat where you go through all the stories and you're done. Vine is just— you fall into this fucking pit like late at night where you can just be stuck there for 2, 3 hours just watching shit. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. So you're talking about the consumer, not the creator? Yeah, it takes a lot of time to make them too.

And well, yeah, but like, I'm talking to the consumer. Like, I'm I'm pretty positive that a lot more people are gonna realize how much it sucks that Vine is back because they're gonna be spending so much time on it, which is like a weird—

Is it the same as Instagram Stories or anything like that?

It sounds like I'm trying to sell something. You're gonna hate it because you're gonna spend so much time on it. Sounds like I'm trying to sell the app. No, but it's, no, there's no, like Instagram Stories and Snapchat Stories, there's an end to it. When you run out of people you follow, it's over. But on Vine, it's like you go on the popular page, you go from Vine to Vine.

Right, you go in there and you're just watching forever.

Okay, but let's talk about from a creator standpoint. Is it a good thing for me and you?

Yeah, definitely it's a good thing.

How come?

Because it'll, it'll push people like, you know, onto other platforms and it'll make—

it'll bring up new creators.

Yeah, it'll bring up new creators.

That's what I thought was so sick about the first Vine though, is like all of us creators that were on there, we were like part of like this fucking like, like this science project. It feels like, you know what I mean?

Yeah, we're really lucky to be like—

there's, there's like a group of us. Like, that's what I like that Vine shut down because it was just a group of us in time that will forever know what Vine is, right? And like no other generation will know about it. Like kids that watch our YouTube videos, a lot of them have no fucking clue what Vine is. Yeah, because they're so young, right? And that's sick.

And it's pretty bizarre that, that a bunch of people that like YouTube went down for a little bit and people became famous from Vine. Yeah, no, really, I never thought about that, but yeah, it's weird.

And people blew up on there and it was, it —like when Vine first started, guys, it was like every brand was throwing money into it. Like it was like hundreds of thousands. I mentioned this in like one of the first podcasts. I knew someone that got paid over half a million dollars.

I got half a million dollars from the Boston Public Library. Why? To do one Vine. Really? Yeah.

Jason, I'm trying to bring up real stories and real situations, and you're muddying the waters. Now people don't know what to believe because there's going to be a dumbass out there that's going to actually believe that you made $500,000 on something. Go ahead.

I was trying to think of like a bad place that I just wouldn't give out $500,000 for one Vine.

No, I knew a Viner. He was at one of the top and he got paid, I think, like over half a million dollars. Who?

Tell us. Tell us.

Like a group of 5 Vines. I know I can't say. You can't?

Super personal.

Long time ago. Ah, it's still fine. I don't know. I don't know the person that well where I can just say that. Josh Beck. No, but I mean, I'm happy that Vine's coming back. I'm definitely gonna be using it. Yeah, it's gonna be one of my favorites. Yeah, I won't be because I'm just— I was always bad at Vine, and just uploading is so tough. What were we— we were talking about this yesterday though that I wanted to talk about. We are— our roommate Alex— okay, we have, we have, we have this roommate named Dom, and he's like, he's like fucking like typical social media influencer, like not the brightest but super hardworking, like just like a— he's just a character. He's very very strange. And yesterday, or it was like 3 days ago, me and Jason were sitting on the couch and Dom was leaving and he's like, I'll see you guys later. And we're like, where are you going?

They had just finished a story about how they get their dick sucked for shoutouts. And then they said this.

Yeah, they were talking about, okay, let's rephrase. I didn't even put this in the vlog, 'cause I thought it was so gross. But one of our friends, one of, not our friends, one of Dom's friends, when girls come up to him, he's a big Instagram following, when girls ask him for shoutouts, he tells them, okay, if you suck my dick, I'll shout you out and I'll delete your shoutout as soon as you're done sucking my dick. And he's done this like 6 or 7 times. Yeah. And it's amazing, right? Next night he told us this, Jason got a shoutout from him. It was up for 3 hours. Yeah, was it worth it?

I said I grew, I grew like 6K, I think.

And but you had to give him a blowjob for 3 hours.

Knocked a couple teeth out, but yeah, it was worth it.

Um, anyway, they were having this conversation explaining to us that they, they give shout outs to girls for blowjobs.

And then, and then they're like, where are you guys going? Yeah.

And then we're like, where are you guys going? And we're gonna go feed the homeless.

And I was like, that's hilarious.

Like, it's just like, it's the most social— like, they're so— they're such cliché social media.

But they really were. Yeah, they were going to feed the homeless.

They We're gonna feed the homeless and film it, you know, so people, people can be like, oh, these guys are dope, these guys are great. Um, and our friend Alex argued like the level of bullshit like that is that comes with feeding homeless and recording it.

Well, when they said they were going to film feed the homeless, they didn't say we're doing it for YouTube. They just said we're going to feed the homeless. So I was like, wow, that is so nice, I'm not going to do that.

Oh wait, did you really think—

oh, I really thought that they were going to feed the homeless because I started laughing. He He goes, no, seriously, I'm seriously going to feed the homeless. I've got a bunch of sandwiches. And I go, oh, oh, I'm so sorry. That, that's awesome.

But you thought our roommate Dirty Dom and his friends are going to do what they said? Okay, well, no, they were going out to film it for Instagram, which, which this is where our argument came with me and Alex and Jason, is Alex was arguing that it's complete bullshit and it's pathetic and it's just, it's just cheap and it just doesn't make anybody look good. Which I, which I see what he's saying, but I was, I was arguing that as, as fake as it looks to do shit like that, yeah, it's more, it's more, it does more good than it does bad, I think, right? Yeah.

Why, why do you have to videotape it? Why can't you just go out and give some sandwiches? Because in other words, they shot bits all day. Yeah. So then just, just, just say, yeah, I'm going to feed the homeless, and just go feed the homeless.

I understand that, but like, uh, it's, it's, this is so tricky. I had this argument with Liza too. I I told Liza, I'm like, Liza, I wanna surprise my friend with a car, but I wanna film it. And this friend's done a lot for me, and she's like, no, don't film it, just surprise him with the car. And I'm like, it's just, not only, I'm not just recording my friend for views, I'm recording him because I genuinely, I go on YouTube and one of my favorite things to watch is people being surprised with stuff, or people getting their mortgage paid off, people getting new cars, not necessarily homeless people getting fed, but like stuff like that because it makes me feel good. And like if I'm doing this moment, I'm spending a lot of money on something, then why don't I just film it? Do you know, I hate how negative filming good deeds like comes off. Like it's kind of, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I know. But when you watch it, you're like, oh, like this person wouldn't be doing this unless they're we're filming it.

Okay, me and you and a bunch of other people. Like, when— like, if you watched Dom's video of him feeding the homeless, you'd be like, this is fucking bullshit. But younger kids who are just super, like, you know, they're influenced easily, right? I don't know why they're watching Dom in the first place, but, but those kids are gonna go like, holy shit, like, it's— this is— this is what it— this is what it takes to make someone happy, right? And it's like—

and it's I have a dollar, I could do the same thing.

Yeah, like you could argue, like you can argue and be like, well David, if you're surprising your friend with a car, then film that shit because it's expensive and a lot of people don't get to do it. But my argument is, if you're gonna go feed the homeless, film it because it shows that you don't need a lot of money and you don't need to surprise someone with a car or with their mortgage being paid off to make them happy. Like it shows that like, even these little things you can do can make a positive impact on someone.

Yeah, I guess so, and I guess if you have Like when people go to like hurricanes and stuff, that's— that's—

yeah, it looks like fucking bullshit. And, and I'm not— I'm not gonna lie, probably 70% of the time it is fucking bullshit, right? And the people aren't doing it like out of their own heart, they're just doing it to get the views. But at the same time, it's not hurting anybody that's watching it. No one's watching it and being like, oh fuck, man, I want to go shoot up a bank right now because I just saw this guy feed the homeless. Like, it's only— you're only getting good vibes from it, most likely.

Do you know what I mean? And the other— yesterday you were talking about how your parents want you to donate some money, right?

My parents want—

you wanted to see— yeah, yeah, you wanted to feel the reaction, or— yeah, which I get.

My parents want me to donate, uh, money to two charities, and it's a lot of money. And I just— I don't know if I'm just young or stupid or what it is, but I just haven't gotten— I haven't familiarized myself with any charity where I would be giving that much money to. Like, I would just— I don't know where, where the money would be going. Right.

Yeah, you should, you should tell them that you have your own charities that you're gonna do.

Well, we're gonna let them know right now, Mom and Dad, I'm gonna figure it out on my own. Please stop texting me about that.

Giving money to Jason's charity.

Yeah, I'm gonna give money to Jason. I'll make sure it'll be okay. Have you, have you ever given back? Yeah, all the time. Really?

Yeah, sure. I give, I give, I give every year to an orphanage in Haiti. I give a lot of money to that. How much?

What's a lot of money? I don't want to get personal, but I'm trying.

I don't know, like $1,000, $1,500. That's awesome.

That's amazing. Have you met these kids yet, or do you get like a picture of them?

No, I haven't been able to go to Haiti yet.

I know one of them.

What's his name? I don't want to say his name, but he's our next-door neighbor.

Oh, are you serious?

Yeah, he was adopted from there. So like our best friends, they adopted a kid from Haiti, so we give money towards their charity. How's that? It's great.

Does he speak English?

Yeah, yeah, he came here when he was like 3, so he speaks perfect English.

Oh, how old is he?

He's like 5 or 6 now.

Does he know that he was adopted?

Yeah, he knows.

And if not, can I tell him on the vlog? He has two white parents.

He has three beautiful sisters.

Oh, that's awesome.

Gorgeous white sisters, and then him. And, uh, and yeah, it's, it's awesome.

And he's a nice kid?

He's super nice kid.

Oh, but he never, he never got to experience like the bad parts of Haiti, right?

I think he did. You think? I think he— I think just be— I mean, he wasn't like out on the streets. Yeah, dealing drugs and stuff like that.

But he can't— like, he doesn't—

but he was in an orphanage, so that was the bad part of Haiti that he experienced.

Oh no, I'm saying like even like age-wise, like he can't remember like how, how much of a culture shock moving to America would be, right?

I'm not sure. I can't remember anything before I was 5, so a lot of people can.

My parents also donated to like a kid overseas in like some like impoverished country, and they sat me down on the couch and I swear, I shit you not, they were like, we're having another kid. And I was just like, I was just so fucking confused because I'm like, okay, like I already had my brother at this point and I'm like, what's going on? More kids in this small house? And they're like, yeah, we thought it'd be the best to have one.

They were going to adopt him? No.

Well, they're like, we're having another kid. And then they showed me a picture of this guy. He's not coming, but we're going to fund him every month. We're going to send him money.

You're like, fucking few. Yeah, he's great. I love him.

It was a weird way to explain to me that there's gonna be another child in our family, which it was just a kid. The only thing he's done at my house is he just sits on my refrigerator. There's a picture of him. That's the closest he's been inside our home.

It's like, your dad's going to the moon, and it's just like a drawing of your dad in a spacesuit.

Or my dad just buys a spacesuit. Guys, but one of the most important parts about giving is receiving the best gift of all time, and that's underwear. But we still give it to our family and our loved ones who just don't want it. But maybe it's It's not that underwear is the problem, it's the kind of underwear.

People don't know you're doing an ad yet. You haven't switched your tone at all. What's he getting?

What's he getting? People are like, okay, so we should send underwear to Haiti on it. Let me tell you about MeUndies, the only underwear that makes for an amazing gift. Talk about why you love MeUndies. Guys, they're soft, flexible waistband.

Soft, flexible waistband. So flexible.

The waistband is so flexible. That the other day Jason and I tried to fit in one pair and we did because it was so flexible.

It was really great. Thanks, MeUndies, for sending us 38s.

Yeah, we spent one night in a big pair of underwear together and it was warm as hell, and you could see it on my Pinterest if you want to check it out.

3 times softer than cotton, uh, naturally— natural sustainably sourced fiber, Dave.

And if you piss yourself in MeUndies, guys, it will show. Jason tried that out last night. There was pee everywhere on the bed. They are not diapers. I repeat, they are not diapers. But they do make the perfect gift that everyone is going to love you for. It's a goddamn holiday miracle. This year, don't give underwear, motherfuckers. Give me undies.

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Have you ever been— have you ever been to, um, Have you ever been to a good Christmas gathering with your family?

Oh yeah, I've been to all kinds of cool stuff.

You're American, so you've probably— you're also Jewish, which confuses me, and you've still had 44 Christmases?

I'm half Jewish and I'm half Christmas.

And how does that work? Christian?

Yeah, I'm half Christmas. My dad was Catholic and my mom is Jewish, but he converted to Judaism.

Which one do you prefer?

I don't really care for either. Really? Yeah. I mean, well, which holiday is more fun? Yeah, Christmas is more fun. Yeah, it's way more fun.

Every Jew in my, um, in my neighborhood would celebrate Christmas.

Yeah, it's like, because Hanukkah is 8 nights and there's no like big ending.

What's up with that? And your kids celebrate both, uh, Hanukkah and Christmas?

They get both. They get 9 nights. Jesus Christ. Christmas morning and 8 nights. And, and it's always like during the week and they have school and it's like, hey, let's light the candles.

Oh, it's not special.

It doesn't change. Every night you say the same prayer. And yeah, I mean, you get a gift, but on Christmas it's this like build. You start with the stockings and the gifts get a little bit bigger and it builds to this like huge thing. Yeah.

And what story— what kind of Christmas— can you, by the way, just put your shirt back down? I've— it's been out. Your belly's been out.

What's wrong with my belly? It's distracting. I don't know what to do.

I'm trying to hold a conversation with your face and your belly tries to keep inching it on. I'm not getting turned on. Okay, um, okay, it's away, but it's Still kind of sneaking out right here.

He just did like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

I just touched Jason, so I gotta go wash my hands now. Um, no, but how you get your kids 9 different presents?

Yeah, we got a ton of gifts. They get— they're spoiled. They get too much stuff that they don't need. And then I argue with my ex-wife and I say they already have Onkytoverdrive.

Your kids are really spoiled.

Well, you know, don't say— don't say that. They're not spoiled.

Well, you called them— you called your son a pussy in the last podcast.

Didn't we edit that out?

No, we didn't. We didn't. So I feel like I'm, I'm okay by calling him spoiled.

Well, they're not spoiled. They, they're grateful for what they have. They have an abundance of stuff that they don't need. Yeah, but they're not spoiled. They're not like—

which one of your kids is more popular? Um, the girl—

they're tough to say. I always think that Wyatt's gonna be unpopular. Uh-huh. But he's not. Yeah, just because, dude, you, you just keep calling out your son. I always think he's a loser, but then like 6 kids show up to his birthday party and I'm like, okay, no, he's the most best, he's the best kid in the world, but he's just quiet and he's not like, you know, he's not fucking Jake Paul. Yeah, you know, like Mr. Party.

Yeah, he's not Mr. Party at all. And he's an instrument guy. Which in school is usually quieter people.

Yeah, but it seems that he's well-liked. That's amazing. Yeah, we go over to the school and—

if only you liked him as much as the other kids in school do.

What about your kids? Tell me about yours.

Oh, I'm gonna love both of my kids equally. Oh, I think I'm gonna have a boy and a girl as well. Is there a way to get a boy and a girl? My neighbor told me you have to sleep with your ear bent over and you get a boy. I was also really young, so he could have been fucking with me. Oh, he overdosed 3 weeks after that, but that's besides the point. No, is there a way to decide whether you can do it? Because I know, I know now, no, with pregnancies now you can go to a doctor, it costs like 50 grand, but you can decide what color the hair is gonna be, what color the eyes are gonna be. Yeah, and the gender actually. You're right. That's, that's fucking nuts. Yeah. How did you find out if it was gonna be a boy or girl?

We, we were blindfolded and brought into a back alley with a drug lord.

Yeah, you were beaten. And your bruises spelled out whether it was a boy or a girl?

Yeah, I know the doctor is just like, the doctor looks and he's like, uh, okay, I know what it is.

Were you there for your child's birth? No. Why not?

I was like, I think I was busy that night. Yeah, right.

No, I was there for both of them.

Busy at a bar? It's awful. Yeah, I mean, like, it—

God, thank God I'm not a woman.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

I think I've asked you, like, you, you've said before, this has been the best day of my life, and I'm like, what about your kids? What about when they were born? And you're like, fuck that. That shit was awful. It was awful. Why?

Walk me through childbirth. Okay, so first of all, you're like, the thing's obviously— the thing's like gonna come out, so there's like— and it's not coming out yet, the baby. Yeah, so there's a good 7, 10 days where you're just like, fuck. Yeah, so you can't do anything.

Can't do anything.

Yeah, and then there's the unknown of, I don't even know what's gonna happen once this fucking thing comes out, but it's not coming out anyway, so we're just fucked. You're just in this this, you know, midway state. Yeah. So then you're like, you don't know if it's gonna be healthy. You don't know if it's gonna be healthy.

How fucking crazy is that? That like days before, oh, you don't know if the rest of your life is going to be tough and like dealing with his medical issues. So stressful.

And wow. And not to take anything away from the women, obviously they have it hard, but you're the man and you just fucking can't do anything. And anything you do do is fucking wrong.

I just can't imagine a woman listening to this.

Yeah, I mean like, no, I, I understand, like you're the— I'm the asshole. Like, I get it. Like, so the most you can do is just be like, okay, I have the car ready.

It's really tough on you.

Yeah, if I— no, if I could— if I could like take away the pain, I'd do it. Yeah, but I'd almost rather be the person going through the pain than sitting there watching her go through the pain.

Okay, and your wife's water broke where?

So we're in the house and it's broken and she's like, okay, it's time, it's, it's time.

This is your first kid?

It's the first kid. Okay, my mother-in-law was there. And, um, we were like, we got the keys to the car, we're all set to go.

My mother-in-law packed— you packed a bowl real quick. You're like, there's no way, there's no way I'm delivering this baby without being high.

You're like, you don't deliver the baby, Jason, there's a doctor for that. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, right. I thought I had to do it. No, my mother-in-law had to get, um, her hair done, so she took like another half hour.

Are you fucking serious?

She's very into the way she looks. It's amazing. So we laughed about that, then we went to the hospital.

Oh, it's not like straight up screaming when the water breaks?

No, it's like, I'm really uncomfortable, it's gonna happen, we gotta go. Jesus. Then you go there, put the legs up, and then, and then like there's a towel over there and the doctor's like, do you want to see? Do you want to see? And did you look? And I'm like, I don't, I don't know, I don't know if I want to see, you know.

Do you like, did you look? Yeah. And did you ever look at your wife the same way?

I looked at her the same way, but, but, but with disgust. No, no, not at all.

I just could imagine that being the most terrifying scene, a human coming out of another person.

It's fucking alien. I mean, it's, it's alien. Like, there's a fucking baby coming out of nowhere. Like, it's not, it's not plausible in your mind.

And did you pull it out yourself? Like, Scott wants to name his kid Excalibur because he wants to pull it out himself. But did you pull it out yourself?

Like, imagine if you had your hand, okay, right now. And then all of a sudden, like, um, you know, a tiny hand— yeah, Big Nick started to like rise from your hand, you know what I mean? Fuck. You'd be like, whoa, this is some fucking late-night HBO like movie or something.

Like Twilight Zone.

Yeah, it's just like— so anyways, so then the baby comes out and, uh, oh man, and then it's, you know It looks awful.

And do you cut the umbilical cord?

I think I did. With what? Just scissors.

I'd use something cool. My teeth.

Your teeth?

I'd bite it off. I want my son to know I love him. I wouldn't use an object like scissors on him.

Well, we fried up the placenta after. Did you? Yeah, we did. How did it taste? Really good.

Have you ever had placenta? No.

Oh, it's like chicken.

It's to die for. It's like a really long kebab. What'd you say? It's like a really long kebab.

They have it over at Jonah's house. So no, they, they wash the baby off or whatever, and then, uh, and then he said it was healthy, which is great. Fuck, it's awesome. And then you're like really happy for a minute, and then it's fucking hell for the next 3 years. Yeah, yeah, hell, hell. Yeah, I don't care what anyone says, it's not easy.

How often would it cry?

It cries all the time, every minute. What are you doing? Irrational. You can't do anything.

Can you turn it off?

You cannot turn it off.

What do you mean?

You just kind of like— Wyatt had, um, he had like gas problems or whatever. Yeah. So he was, you know, you just have to fucking bounce him all the time. It was— and then the second baby, there's a C-section, and that was—

oh, Jesus Christ, that's when they cut the belly apart, right? Yeah.

So like I said, not to make this too grim, but good luck when you and Liza have kids.

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That's tipsyels.com and our code views. I had an interesting— the way our relationship is, I had like a friend like you in high school. Oh wow, beautiful, beautiful guy.

He was, he was actually good-looking, warm hands, great hugger, smelled good, smelled good. Yeah, it's amazing.

I had a bunch of friends in high school that were, huh, that were like kind of the popular kids in the high school because they were all imaginary and I made them the popular kids.

But I—

oh my God, Jack is calling.

Our manager is having a holiday party tonight and we're recording, we're making him money, and he's bothering us and he has texted me 10 fucking times. Jack, if you're listening to the shit, you take a percentage of the podcast.

Jack, you make nearly as much as I do on this fucking show. And you're like, why aren't you guys here?

Jack, that's a fun fact. Jack, our manager, makes I think what, 15% off this podcast? Yeah.

And that's— and I make 30.

That's very close to what Jason makes.

And it's just somehow in my mind it's the same because he makes 15%. No, he makes 15% of our 100%. Oh shit. So that means that he probably makes this more.

He probably makes more than you do. Probably. And he doesn't sit here.

No, seriously, you're better at math than I am. Okay, okay, so you make 70%.

No, I make 60.

No, you make 70 of this.

No, the podcast's 60/40.

Live shows, 70 is this.

This is 70/30? Yeah. Oh, we need to renegotiate. That's unfair. Okay, I'm kidding.

70%.

Okay, okay. Every time we talk about this, I get tweets. People go, wow, David, you get 70%. It doesn't fucking matter, guys. It's how the cookie crumbles. We're sorry. I would love to give Jason 50%, but we can't because— why can't we?

Okay, okay, forget it. So do the math. Okay, so 70%, I get 70%, it's 15% of your 70%. Let's, let's say the podcast brings in $10,000— doesn't bring in that. Let's say it brings in $2,000 this week. Okay. It's probably about what we'll make.

Yeah, so it brings— uh, let's say it brings in $1,000. That's easier.

So Jack gets $1,500 of that.

Okay, $1,000, it's $150. I'm sorry.

Yeah, he gets $150 of that $1,000. Oh no, but you, you'll see, I make $300. Yeah, of the $1,000. Yeah, so he makes $150. Yeah. Okay, so no, I still have to pay Jack.

No, I think— yeah, I do.

Okay, well, do you understand what I'm saying? Maybe he gets 15% of $300, so that would be— no, no, no, no, I make like— I walk home with like $250.

Okay, bottom line is our manager makes a lot of money and he's calling us to go to his holiday party right now when we're recording the podcast to make him a lot of money.

Thanks for the great deal, Jack. You were really in my corner on this one. Have another fucking cocktail at your holiday party.

Drinks are on Jason tonight. Uh, wait, sorry, continue the story about your friend.

I had a friend in high school, he reminded me a lot of you. Like, I had friends in high school that you could say they're like the popular kids. Okay, cool. Yeah, and I was like friends with them, but they didn't fucking like me, you know what I mean? They just kept me around because I was— No, easy to pick on.

They liked you, but you were just the bottom of the barrel.

I was the bottom of the barrel.

Yeah, and that's what— that's fun to be a lot too. Is it? Because you can shoot up a lot. You know what I mean? It's like being a big YouTuber. Like, when you're a small YouTuber, you can make fun of all the big YouTubers, but when you're at the top of the food chain, then you're just picking on the little guys.

My school didn't work like that. My school is the big guys picked on the little guys.

Okay, so you were shit on a fucking daily. You were shit on a lot. I think we've talked about this too. They used to call you Wedge, which is Jew backwards.

They used to call me Jew, Wedge. I was the only Jewish kid in school, whatever. Really? It didn't really bother me. Okay. Cause I didn't, I wasn't religious, whatever.

I still don't know what the difference between a Jew and a regular person is. I don't know. I can't imagine. Like, I don't understand. There isn't. I know, I know. But I don't understand where it was like, we have horns underneath our hair. No, I'm saying like, I don't, I don't understand how like it was ever distinguished. Oh, that guy's a Jew. Like, do you know what I mean? Yeah. I think we've talked about this too. I just don't get it. Like, I don't, Like, cool, you were the only Jew in your school, so you were the only white guy that was celebrating Hanukkah? Like, I just don't get it.

Yeah, I think that's why it was okay, was because I was a white guy.

You know the math, David.

The start of the Civil War, Jason popped out of the womb.

Subtract 44 years from now. Okay, 1920s. Fucking love if you die first. I will fucking love it. So happy.

All right, go on to all our— tell me the story about you being a fucking loser.

Yes, we heard it's awful. I go, no, yeah, yeah, no, no, it's awful. I mean, he did die first.

All right, go tell me the story.

So anyways, there was this kid, his name was Pat Taylor.

Well, great, now everybody knows. Oh, okay.

Matt, Matt Naylor. Matt Naylor. He was Matt Naylor. Okay, Naylor. Anyways, And so he just did— he tormented me. Yeah, but he was my friend also. Uh-huh. He just made life really fucking difficult for no reason. Kind of like what you do to me. Like, for instance, one time he put like human shit in my mother's underwear drawer. Holy fuck.

Yeah, human shit.

Yeah, and my mom was so nice. She would choose to be like, oh, it's okay, Dad, it's fine, it's no problem. Because I was new to the town. Yeah, my mom wanted me to have friends. Friends.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

So they like— they— I'm like Vardon, okay? So then I went, and so I moved to this new town, like I didn't know anybody. And they were like, well, he's fucked because no one liked him at the other town. Yeah, he's like, so how's he gonna make friends at this new town? So I was like, all right, I'll just do my best, whatever. So my mom would invite them all over and be like, come to our house, we've got the best house, it's so much fun, okay? Right? But in the meantime, Pat Taylor like copied the key to the apartment Get the fuck out of here. Fucked a girl in the apartment.

In whose apartment? In my—

well, my mom and I lived in an apartment.

In your mother's apartment? Yeah, yeah.

Like, she came home and he was in there with a girl. Like, fucked up shit.

Yeah, he made a key. You weren't friends with these guys?

No, these were my friends. These were like my close friends. Like, the same— like, there were people in their group that didn't— that were like nice, that wouldn't fuck with me, like Todd or something. But like, there were a couple that were just like They were just out of their fucking mind. One time my mother's boyfriend, he woke up. He used to have this red striped robe, and he drank a lot, and he was like always hungover every morning. He was a good drunk. He's just sitting at the kitchen table, and he's like, he reaches for the pocket in his robe, he reaches in there, he just pulls out an egg. An egg? Yeah.

Why?

He's just like, what the fuck is this? Lorraine, there's a— there's a— there's a goddamn egg in my fucking robe. She's like, oh, I don't know, Jimmy, I don't know why there'd be an egg in your robe.

Why was it there?

Pat Taylor put it there.

Who the fuck do you think put it there? So he'd come over, he would just do shit. He'd have sex. He'd have sex in your apartment and then he'd spread out a dozen— a dozen eggs all around the house for your parents to find.

Yeah, he would just do crazy shit like that. And then his dad was a football coach, and one time—

Oh fuck, so this is Pat Taylor. Yeah, this is Pat Taylor. Like, Lee— like, was he a quarterback?

No, he wasn't. He wasn't good at sports. Oh, which I think that's why— he was good at sports, he wasn't good at football. He wouldn't play football. Yeah, one time I saw his dad fucking just chew him out.

Yeah, what happened?

It was great. I was excited. Did you—

oh, you— okay, I know the exact relationship you had with him. What? It makes sense. It's just like, I've— I had this relationship with people too. Tell me. No, I actually haven't. I'm just trying to relate. No, no, but I totally— I get it. Like, I've seen this. Like, I've seen it in movies. Sure. It's like, you know what it almost is like? It's like almost like when a victim falls in love with its, like, accuser. Sure.

Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm Syndrome.

That's what it is. It's almost like that, but not as extreme. Kind of like, you kind of do like the guy. Or maybe it actually is exactly Stockholm Syndrome.

I have Stockholm Syndrome with you. You. I like you.

I didn't like Pat. Okay, I'm not that awful.

No, no, no, you're not that awful. But I— but I was— I was glad Pat would do this shit and he wouldn't record any of it.

So he was just doing it because he was real OG, because he was just fucking evil.

Yeah, he was just evil.

And that's how you got picked on. What was the worst thing that anybody did to you in high school?

The worst thing anyone did? Oh fuck, one time Pat Taylor came over with his mother's station wagon. Do you know what a station wagon is? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like before they had SUVs.

It's like a big car.

Yeah, a big car that would just like flip out the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they were like driving in the car and they were like, come on, come on, jump, jump.

I remember the story.

I told you the story. Yeah, and I jumped and he slammed on the brakes and I got hurt pretty bad. That's—

dude, that's fucking— it's literally out of a fucking like '80s movie.

What else happened? I, I don't know. I don't remember, David. I blocked it all out. I, I wasn't terrorized that much in high school. I told you about my coach.

Yeah, this is why you turn into a comedian, or at least half of one.

Yeah, I mean, what about you? Would you have a terrible story from high school?

I don't, other than the guys that would call me Justin Bieber on the school bus and would ruin my day.

But then that Russian kid—

yeah, the Russian kid, fuck him up. Should we?

Why don't we go visit him and shoot him for the vlog?

I just shoot him? Shoot him with a gun? The vlog? Oh, shoot him with a gun? Camera?

Oh, okay.

No, I mean, he's He's— I, we just visited my breakdown. You have no idea what you did to me. No, I, I would like to pass on that. I— it was, it wasn't that bad. I, I will say that I've never been like, you know, officially like really harassed to the point where I'm like, I can't go to school. Like, I know there was people where they couldn't even show up to school because they were like, fuck this. Not at my school, but I've heard stories. Sure. And I mean, that, that's the closest I've gotten to it. Guys, we have to go soon because our manager keeps blowing up the phone. I don't know, I don't know what's, what's going on with him. He really misses us at this holiday party. Shout out to you, Jack Reed. It's the first year his company's been together. Yeah, congratulations. Congrats to you.

He's making Millennial Entertainment.

He's making a lot of fucking money. Easy. Yes.

You're like, David, Jason, I make a lot of money, therefore Jack is making a lot.

No, I mean, he has a bunch of clients. He does. He takes care of all of us. He does.

He's very, very very good.

He gets us a lot of jobs. He's very, he's very good. He's, he's the go-to guy when it comes to the whole crew. Yeah, if you, if you ever get on social media, he's the guy to go to. And now we have to go to his party and pay our respects and thank him for all the jobs he's gotten us. But before I leave you guys, I have to let you know HelloFresh is a meal kit delivery service that chops, plans, and delivers your favorite step-by-step recipes, pre-measured ingredients, so you can cook, eat, and enjoy. Choose your delivery day for when it works best for your busy schedule. HelloFresh offers a wide variety of Chef-curated recipes that change weekly, and HelloFresh makes it easy to cook delicious, balanced dinners for less than $10 a meal.

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Well, 30 minutes, that's, that's the— that's as long as I take to go for a run. Mm-hmm.

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That's a good fucking name for a burger.

It was delicious.

I'll have the Juicy Lucy with a side of tomato. Dude, that sounds amazing.

I just love the word onion jam.

Oh, I'm not a fan of onions, but it's totally cool.

It sounds like, um, an outdoor concert. Onion jam.

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Yeah, and we, we did try the food last week.

We did, we did. It's delicious.

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Guys, use the code VIEWS30 for $30 off your first week of HelloFresh. All right, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. My name is—

HelloFresh, we love you.

This has been Jason Thank you, HelloFresh, for coming on the show. Bye, guys.

Mom, I'm sorry for David's comment at the top of the program.

I'll see you guys later.