DAVID'S FIRST TIME AT A STRIP CLUB

What's up guys, welcome back to the podcast Views, where Jason said he's gonna do this one naked, right?

You asked me to do it naked, I'll do it naked, that's fine.

Okay, shirts off.

I can go down to my shorts. Is that what you want?

More.

David, this is getting— Trisha's not gonna like this.

She's not here right now. She—

oh my God! Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Sorry about that. My apologies to Rich from Cadence, his first time here today. Rich, we don't usually do it naked.

Jason's balls just popped out, almost hit all of us in the face. All right, let's just roll into music. This is The Views Podcast with Canadian news report. Sound like a news reporter. This is The Views Podcast with David Dobrik and Jason Nash. Officially, that's for Morse code for the people that have a difficult time listening to our words. Okay, so it's, uh, it's 2 AM. We're recording another podcast because popular demand. Last time we recorded at 3 AM, people loved it. So we're—

great job, guys. Way to fucking tell us it was the best podcast we ever recorded last week. Now David has a— he's going walking around all week long thinking, oh wow, that was great, we have to record at 3:30 AM every morning. I need to pick my— I have to drive my kids to school in 2 hours. But this is what I drove them— I woke up yesterday at 5 AM and I'm about to take my hands and put them around David's neck and strangle him. Listen, until he can't breathe. Happy to go to jail and see my kids maybe once every 2 weeks just to fucking end his life. You're gonna—

if you're gonna do that, you have to kill our listeners first because it was their idea to record this late.

No, it was like 2 people on Twitter. Well, 2 people on Twitter. 99% of the audience does not give a fuck. When we record it. They don't care. They could care less. Well, I was just sitting there on—

those two people, we just made your day because it is 2 AM. And yes, Jason does have to take his kids to school in the morning. So, um, so let's give it up for Jason. I have a story to get started. It's not really the best story, but I always do this thing when I'm like picking up someone, you know, like when you're picking up someone and like they're always late to come out. And Zane, Zane's like really late to come out. So every time I pull up to the house, I have to let them know like way ahead of time that I'm there.

If Right.

So I was 10 minutes away and I told him to meet me at my house in 2 minutes because I was going to be there. And he's like, okay, okay, okay, I'll be there, I'll be there. And I'm like, I know he's not going to be there because he's so late all the time. And once I got 5 minutes away from the house, I called him and without him even being able to say anything, I just went, I just go, where the fuck are you? Where are you, Zane? I like, like, it's just like, why are you not here? And he goes, I'm in your living room. And I go, oh shit. I'll be there in 5 minutes. Um, but that's the end of that story. But, uh, but yeah, no, I feel like, I feel like I do that a lot where I, where I tell people— with Alex, with Alex, I let, I let him know I'm here when I'm leaving my house because he takes like 20 minutes to come out. What about when you pick up your kids? How's that?

Um, my, my kids are on time. They're pretty good.

Yeah, they're, they're good people.

They're really good. One, one, some One's a president now. What? One's president now.

Okay, Charlie, this is our last 2 AM podcast. Um, did you hear that Lindsay Lohan got punched in the face?

Yeah, she was over in Greece. Yeah, she was trying to get, uh, that was like a week after I was there.

Yeah, she was looking for you and Trisha.

She was, she tried to kidnap us too.

She was trying to take a family's child. And what, can you explain this to me? Because I don't, I don't really know.

She's live streaming She walked up to a woman and a man from like Syria, like Syrian refugees. Yeah, she was like, let me help you, let me get you a hotel. And then, and then she tried to take the kids and, and, you know, take them away. And, and, you know, you don't take someone's kids.

Why was she trying to take the kids away?

Oh, because she was trying to save them, try to bring them to the hotel for the night.

Oh, because she thought the kids needed like a place to stay.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Fuck.

That's what happens, those child stars. That's— it's really sad.

Really?

Yeah, it's good thing we took the kids up the internet, huh?

Do they all do that? Do they all kidnap? Hmm, they all kidnap.

Uh, just been so many cases of child— did you, did you have any friends that did acting in Chicago?

No, I don't have— I know, I know a lot of child stars that I used to watch on Disney Channel because I used to run into them in Hollywood parties. So like, like big Disney Channel like stars back in the day, they would always be— they're always DJing these like, like Hollywood parties where it's just like a bunch of 19-year-olds like hanging out, smoking weed and drinking beer, and they're always the coolest people at the party. And like, that's what they've become, is like they're just the coolest people at the party.

So you saw Disney kids like doing drugs and stuff?

Oh yeah, it's such a normal thing. Yeah, but I'm not talking like Miley Cyrus and like the, the big, big ones. Like, I'm sure like the ones that like you really don't hear much from anymore. This was interesting. This happened today. We went to— you took me to a strip club today for the first time, and it was like 7 PM.

It was 2 days ago.

That was 2 days ago?

Wasn't it?

Was it today?

Why are you pretending like it wasn't 2 days ago? It wasn't yesterday.

Holy fuck, I thought it was today.

It wasn't today.

Oh, it was yesterday.

It was last night. Well, I guess it was yesterday.

Okay, so you took me to a strip club.

Yeah.

It was like 7 PM.

I thought you were trying to do some math to like trick the audience to thinking like this was recorded on a different day or something.

No. I just have no concept of time. This is my first time going to a strip club.

Right.

And it was like 7 PM, so there was no one there. We paid to go in. It's like, what was it, $20 a person? And there weren't even any dancers there. So, so we thought, we thought it was like closed.

We went, we went, we went in to hire some girls for a bit.

Yeah. Yes.

That's why we went in.

I should say that we didn't just go to the strip club.

Yeah. I didn't just take David to a strip club. Jesus Christ. No, we went to go find— don't think very highly of me.

We went to go find strippers for a specific bit.

Right. David wanted to bring strippers to go to his friend's parents' house, and we were having a hard time getting them, right?

Yeah.

Late start yesterday. We start at 4 o'clock. It's right.

So we went to— we want to go to the strip joint. What do you call it? Strip club. Went to the strip club. And then two girls came out. It was just me, you, and Tricia.

Yeah.

And two girls came out, and one of them started dancing on the pole. And I know I sound like I'm 10 years old describing this, but I mean, it was fucking mind-blowing, Jason. Her tits were out and everything. It's like I've never—

David turned into a completely different person. He's normally very calm and cool.

I—

and he was like, whoo!

I felt like a fucking perv. I felt so weird.

Why?

Because it was— it was just so crazy to me. I've never seen anything like it. And like, the stripper pole— there were like chairs around the stripper pole, and like, then there were like chairs behind— behind the chairs.

Sure.

Like, that's where I went. Like, I went to go hang out kind of in the back.

Yeah.

You sat right down in the chair, and you like— it's like you knew the stripper. You looked her right in her ass crack. Hey, we're filming a bit. Can you hang out with us later? And I was like— and And your girlfriend Trisha was there, and she was totally fine with it. And I was looking at her, I'm like, is that okay?

Because it—

okay, yeah, close. Yeah, like everything was so fine. And this is the first time I've seen a stripper up close. $4 down, you put 4 bucks down. It was fucking go time. And you, you made it seem so casual. And she was like, she was like rubbing herself or whatever she was fucking doing. I don't know what she was doing. And no, not Trisha, the stripper. And she was like having a conversation with you, a serious conversation with you.

Yeah.

And like, like nothing was— and she was still doing her dance. It was like if I went to go watch Michael Jordan play basketball and he was shooting free throws and talking to me about taxes. Like, it was fucking strange. I'm sorry I compared Michael Jordan to a stripper. It's fucked up, but it was, it was really, really strange.

Greatest, greatest player of all time. That's fine.

Yeah. But no, it was crazy, and, and I left and I was just like, I can't fucking believe I witnessed that. I don't know, how did you see me in that situation?

Yeah, I was so shocked. It's so funny because I, I think of you as way older than you are, and then every once in a while you get in these situations way younger than I am. You do?

I always think of myself as 18. I don't know why I do that.

That explains a lot.

Yeah, like a lot of the times, like when we talk about my age, I always think I'm a teenager. And then you fucking— like the other day, you made me feel really bad. I'm sorry, because I was like, I was like, I'm just a kid, and you turn to me and you go, you're fucking not a kid, stop hiding behind that. And I go, fuck. And it's true because I'm not a kid, I'm 22. But like, for some reason I still think I'm a kid because like, I guess maybe I'm a YouTuber, so I'm like a little bitch. I don't know.

You're also like not— you're like not into like really sex or drugs or any kind of vice. Yeah, so you're kind of pure still, and I guess that's what you never will be.

I'm telling you, I felt like— I felt like the second I walked out of that strip club, I was gonna be put in handcuffs. Like, I felt like I was doing the fucking dirtiest thing. And I'm just glad we got out of there.

I think once you have kids too, you're like, I like, I am.

It's more fun to go to strip clubs.

No, no, no. Like, I looked at like, you can just, you just look at a, you look at a body and you're like, eh, it just doesn't, you know what I mean? It's just like not a big deal. Like, remember when I changed Jonah's diaper and his balls were out?

Yeah. And Jonah's a 24-year-old man.

Yeah.

And I thought it was going to be this big funny bit for the vlog. I'm like, Jason, go change Jonah's diaper. And Jason changed his diaper in like maybe 20 seconds. And he's like, now what? I'm like, okay, never mind.

It's not a big deal, or maybe I'm just really gross. I don't know.

No, I— but Trisha was telling me that you guys go to the strip club by yourselves, like you and Trisha go, and you— there was one point once. Yeah, and there was one point where you were grabbing the stripper's tit and you were talking about how much you wanted to have sex with her. This is what Trisha told me.

Yeah, I heard her say that to you.

Is that true?

It might have been.

That's crazy.

I don't know.

You did that in front of your girlfriend? That's just so insane to me. Like, I've never That's insane.

We have to remember who I'm dating.

I understand that, but that's—

it's not every girl's like that.

But she seems like she'll, she'll be insecure about you talking to a girl at the Wendy's counter and you ordering food, but then when it's a stripper with her vagina in your face, she has no problem. Like, it blows my mind. She's very insecure but also super secure at the same time. That's actually the best way to describe Trisha. She's the most secure and insecure person ever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's like the best of both worlds.

She's like two people.

Yeah. She's like two people.

Well, she said that last night. She was like, well, if anyone bought you strippers, I'd be so mad. And I'm like, you offered to buy me strippers. Well, that's different if I buy them for you. I'm like, what's the difference if David buys them or you buy them?

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Can I just add, they're for my son and my daughter. I don't wanna sound like the 45-year-old guy that's like, I'm going to see Twenty One Pilots.

Oh, okay. They're for your kids.

They are for my kids, but we did see them last year and they're great. Yeah, they're amazing.

The best.

Um, can't believe it.

I have the app on my phone. That's the easiest way I found to shop for tickets. I actually just use SeatGeek to buy tickets and it's, it's, it's really, really incredible. Um, best of all, our listeners can get $20 off.

What'd you see?

Huh?

What'd you see?

What do you mean?

When you just bought the tickets?

Huh?

What concert did you see?

What do you mean?

You said you just went and bought— you use SeatGeek to buy tickets. What concert did you go to?

Um, Cher. I saw Cher.

Oh, you went to that?

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You probably can.

Because it's fucking amazing.

You can buy tickets to almost anything, right?

What was your first job?

My first job, I used to dig graves.

Really?

Mm-hmm. At the cemetery.

Yeah, you told me that. And then how did you come across that job?

It was just a posting, a listing.

Did people really?

Yeah.

Like you would read things in the newspaper? Yeah, and then you'd circle the best ones and you'd call them all later.

Yeah, I mean, you could probably relate to this. Like, imagine if you're like, you know, 15, all your meals are paid for, you have a roof over your head. Yeah, and like, you know, maybe you get it all, you have money, whatever, your parents maybe give you money. Then you get a job, and even if it's like $8 an hour, how much you're bringing home? Like $64. That's amazing.

How much were you getting paid?

Probably like $8 an hour.

Oh fuck, that's a lot for the '60s.

Yeah, yeah, it was great. It was right before civil rights.

How'd you get to work?

Well, all the white people got on one bus and all the black people got on another bus.

It wasn't that long ago.

I said the '60s.

Wait, is that the '60s? No.

Oh, the '50s. I mean, yeah.

Oh, wow. Yeah. I gotta catch up on my history.

Yeah. What is new in your land? Tell me. David said ask me more questions on the podcast, so I'm gonna ask you a question.

Um, I— well, what's new is your girlfriend. The other day we were in the car.

Oh my God, what? Go ahead.

Yeah, she said that before.

You should probably talk to her about that. And I know you say it, and I know you want me to say— and I know you say she says it just to get like a rise out of you so you'll have more sex with her. Yeah, but I still find it a little bit weird for her to go, 'Fuck David.' Right?

Yeah.

Now I wouldn't like my girlfriend to do that too.

What would you like me to say?

Hey babe, don't fucking do that.

I do say that. You've heard me say that.

Yeah, I guess that's weird. I don't know.

We spend a lot of time together. You've certainly— you want me to pull her aside and have a conversation?

Is that what you want? Next time she brings that up, just be like, can I talk to you for a second?

Does it bother you?

No, it doesn't bother me, babe, but it—

you know what?

It doesn't bother you, right?

It doesn't bother me.

Okay, well then it shouldn't bother anybody. 'Cause the other— I had to get strippers out. I had to get money out for the strippers. That came to the house the other day, and I was holding it in my hand. It was $500, and she was like, she's like, I'll literally have sex with Jonah's dad for all that money. She was like whispering it to me like she didn't want you to hear. And then I'm like, I'm just gonna tell Jason. Like, that sounds pretty crazy. I don't know if you're kidding.

Why would she whisper that to you?

I don't know. And she's like, please don't tell Jason. And I'm like, I'm just gonna tell him because I think you're fucking with me. So then I told you, I'm like, hey, Trisha said she'd have sex with Jason's— Trisha says she'd have sex with Vardan's dad for $500. And you're like, I'm like, so? What's the big deal? And then I realize that you don't care about what she thinks.

She's very damaged.

That's a polite way of putting it.

Well, I mean, you know.

I think she's just very open.

She's open and she's, you know.

And also we were talking about.

She doesn't think sex is a big deal.

Sorry, I'm on this stripper thing, but apparently the stripper we had yesterday, she was telling me about all the other strippers she works with and that there's strippers out there She wouldn't reveal how much she makes or how much she makes money, but she said there's strippers out there that make $3,000 a night. $3,000 a night, and it's all in cash, and you don't even have to report that shit to the government. You can just say you're making $10 an hour and you're making $90 a day. Yeah, and they're walking away with $3,000 a night. Yeah, that's crazy.

It's pretty wild. Now, do you understand why they do it?

I completely understand why they do it. Yeah, it honestly, in my head, it almost justifies it. Like, $3,000 a night, what is that? If you work every night, that's $21,000 a week. Like, that's pretty fucking—

we gotta think, like, on a Monday, maybe you don't make that.

Okay, sure, but that's— you've definitely thought about it.

I have. I've thought about stripping. There's been times in my life when I've been so broke and I've been like, fuck, I wish I was a hot girl.

Oh, but you were in really good shape.

I would probably strip.

You probably could have gotten away with, like, the male stripping.

Male strippers don't get paid, I don't think.

No, I don't think so. What about those—

unless you look like Channing Tatum.

What are they called, those chipmunk dancers? Chip and Dale.

Chip and Dale. There's— well, there's Chip and Dale, and then there's the Thunder from Down Under.

Those are Australian people, right?

Yeah. And Joe Volpes, he was in Thunder from Down Under.

Joe Volpes is here, guys. We have this new segment where we give the mic to him and he gets 25 seconds to talk in exchange for editing this podcast and putting it up to post. And your time starts now.

Wait, hang on, my notes aren't ready yet.

I don't care.

Restart the timer. I'm out. I don't know where it is. Oh, come on, guys. Welcome back to Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. What's up, weenies? Reporting record high numbers from last week. We had 500,000 listens. Pretty insane. Thank you to David for allowing me to expose myself to his audience. Guys, how much time is left? Oh, Jesus Christ. Guys, make sure to— I'm working on getting more airtime, but the man is trying to keep us down.

The government—

okay, that's all the time we have We actually gave you a little bit of too much time on that one. We're gonna have to take it away from next week's episode.

No!

Next week's episode you're gonna have 20 seconds.

Good job, Joe.

Can I at least tell them about the ice cream social? No, 100% not. You have to keep your mouth shut from now on. Jason, have you ever been quit from a— have you ever been fired or have you ever quit from a job in like a serious, like bonkers way? Fuck that, fuck that question. Can I tell you something that happened?

Yeah.

Oh my God, get fucking buckled down. Are you ready?

Okay, I'm in.

Okay, so I woke up this morning.

Yeah, right.

And I've been having a rough night. I've been having a really hard time sleeping, like fucking brutal. Yeah, you wouldn't know anything about that. You get plenty of sleep. He has to pick up his kids in 3 hours. Okay, so I woke up this morning. Yeah, with right above my right ear and above my left ear, two bruises, like on my head, like as if someone in the middle of the night took fingers and just pressed them really hard in the middle of my skull, like really bad. And I woke up and I'm like, fuck, this could be something happening inside my head. Like it could be some weird brain thing from stress, like aneurysm, I'm just making up big words, I don't even know what that means. But like, it could be something really bad. So I'm like, I Googled it. I'm like, what could this be? Whatever.

First mistake.

Yeah, whatever. I got in my car. I'm heading to my views, to a podcast I was doing today. I was doing a podcast for Travis Mills. He's a podcast on Beats 1. Go check it out. And in the car— oh, by the way, my assistant, my assistant lives in my house. She has her own room. Her name's Natalie. She's also my friend. And she's in the car with me because she's my assistant, so she's coming with me. And she goes, "I woke up today with like 2 or 3 bruises on my head." And I literally fucking hit the brakes. I went, "What are you fucking—" No way. I went, "No fucking way." Isn't that crazy? Isn't that insane? That's cr— I didn't mention it. 2 bruises. I didn't mention a single word to her about it. A single fucking word. And she told me that she woke up with bruises on her head. That's— that's—

are they still there? Yeah, so her little bit, it was hurting her the entire day.

And same with me, like, I can still feel it on my head.

Bruises on their head? It's insane.

That's fucking— that's like some weird— like, I don't believe in ghosts and shit, but like, that's some weird, like, demonic shit, right? Like, or like maybe there's like a spider that bit both of us in like the same spot.

Hey, I think you guys might have like bed bugs or something.

Yeah, but, but they're like serious. Seriously, it's nuts.

Isn't that crazy? Be a little spider.

It's fucking insane.

I don't know, man. I don't— you don't believe in ghosts?

I don't believe in ghosts. Are you— wait, you're saying you don't believe in ghosts?

You don't, right?

No, I don't believe in ghosts.

Yeah, you don't. I— so it's a spider.

It has to be a spider. But are you— are you saying— but you believe in ghosts?

Yeah, I think so.

So why aren't you saying that it could be a ghost? Is it just because I don't believe in ghosts that like it makes it not?

I'm just asking you, if you don't believe in ghosts, then it wasn't ghosts. There was—

there was like a time I would believe in ghosts, but then I just said they're not funny.

I don't— I don't I don't believe in the afterlife, but I believe in ghosts.

Oh my God, we got into the biggest fucking argument about the afterlife the other day.

David and I do this really weird thing where it's because we're always filming, so sometimes if the camera's on, we'll maybe act— we'll get into arguments that we wouldn't get into arguments, or we'll keep arguments going that we don't— maybe wouldn't have kept going if the camera wasn't on.

Yeah, like we're overdoing it and we're being extra like saucy for the camera. Yeah, yeah.

And we got into an argument where, uh We were just talking about the afterlife. David was driving Tricia and I to Greece. He literally took us on a boat to the airport. Hey guys, it's gonna be another 72 hours. The boat's gonna dock. And yeah, we started talking about the afterlife, and we've had this argument before, and I just said to David, I was just like, I was like, yeah, I don't believe in it. And I guess the way I said it was like, It really insulted David the way I— I think I insulted you the way you didn't insult me.

You said it as if it was a fact, right? You didn't— you didn't say that you didn't believe it. You said it— you said it as like, yeah, there's no fucking way there's an afterlife. And then I went— I literally— I fuck— I, I was filled with rage and I went, what the fuck are you saying? Right? Like, I— because I mean, your beliefs are still the same, right? You're still dogshit stupid, right? You still think there's no afterlife.

You, you, um, I, I don't think there is. Okay.

Okay, great. Okay. So now you're saying you don't think there is, right? But before, when we were arguing about it, it was like, it was super like, there's no afterlife, there's no afterlife. And I'm like, you can't say that. Like, you can't, because that's just like it.

But, but the— and right, you're— I, I see, I understand what you were saying, but I was also saying it's my opinion. Yes.

And, and, and, but the whole argument was that it— that you didn't say it as if it was an opinion. And the reason I was getting so angry is like, because, because you have no idea how we came to be about like on this world, you know what I mean? Like you have— there's no like, there's no like exact way how this all happened, right? So like you can't possibly know what happens after we die.

And I don't, I don't purport to know.

Yeah, like you can turn into a pillow, like you can be sleeping on your, on your great-grandma right now.

You could, you could, but I'm pretty sure it's just lights out.

Sure, but like you can't You can't know that because you don't know that. Do you know what I mean? I obviously—

I don't.

Well, see, see, that argument really helped you out because you're a lot more passive about it this time, right?

Before, again, the cameras are on.

Yeah, but I mean, the podcast is on now and you don't seem too livid about it. Before, you were very angry. I—

and so were you.

Oh yeah, I was fucking furious. And Trisha was like, can you guys stop?

Trisha's very religious. Yeah. And we're like, well, she really believes in the afterlife. And we're like, well, it's all the fucking hell she's caused on this earth. She's fucking hoping she's gonna go somewhere nice.

Yeah, where do you— where— okay, if there is a heaven and a hell, where do you think you're going?

I'm sure I'm going to heaven. You think? I think so.

I think you're gonna have it too. I've tried. What do you think I'm going?

You, you'll go to heaven for sure. Really? Yeah.

Do you think that like they'll drive me by hell just to scare me a little bit?

I think you'll— I think you'll—

like, I'll get in, I'll get I get in the car and they're like, okay, here we go. And like the driver looks back at me and like gives me a weird face and I'm like, this is hell. And he's like, yeah, I know, you're always fucking with your friends. I'm gonna fuck with you. I'm gonna show you heaven, it's fucking sick.

I think you'd be like, hey, can we go in there for just like a second?

I just want to fucking try out. And like, you think hell, like if there is a hell, Do you think it's like, it's like you're fucking working all the time or like you're sweating?

What is hell? Like working? Like it's like Starbucks? Like, what do you mean?

Like, like, like, like I always imagine hell is like there's like a big picket axe, right? And like, I imagine just like people picking an axe at like rocks. Yeah. Like prison, like a prison system. Sure. And there's just flames everywhere. And like if you're barefoot, like it burns your feet and everyone's red. Yeah. That's what I imagine.

That's why I don't believe in the afterlife. It sounds ridiculous. I could—

that's just how I imagine how, right?

I know, but listen to, listen to what you're saying.

Sure, but like, but Jason, I— but you realize I can say that the afterlife is we're all unicorns and we rub each other's little horns together, and that's how we all come. And you can— and you can't be— you can't say that that's not true because we have no fucking idea.

I can't say it's not true?

No, you can't. It's my opinion. No, you— oh, sure, yeah, you're right, you're right. You're— yeah, you can say it's not true, but your opinion is wrong.

See, well then there you go.

No, I know, I know. I don't know, but what do you— if there is a hell, what do you think it's like? Um, I— yeah, it's just me and you, me and you stuck in a room, me and you recording a podcast forever.

Guys, I don't want to bitch too much. Someone— we go through so much hell on this podcast, and it is all caused just by the two of us. Yeah, it is. It's like, it could be so easy and it's not. Go.

Someone the other day was like, I hate how David seems disinterested on the podcast. I am— you're a fucking prick, whoever said that.

Disinterested in what?

I don't know. I don't— me? No, just like in recording it. Like, yeah, I like— a lot of times I play the role of like hating the podcast, right? But I have a good time when I'm here, you know? Like, we get into topics that I don't think you're disinterested—

you're really passionate about it. No.

So Amy, you suck. And, and yeah, I do read your tweets, you asshole, and they do hurt. Because I think about them for a really, really long time. Speaking of thinking about things for a really long time, DollarShaveClub is the bomb.com. No matter what you do in the bathroom to get ready, Dollar Shave Club has everything you need to look, feel, and smell your best. They have amazing shower stuff, hair styling products, toothbrushes and toothpaste, and of course razors and shave supplies. That's how I get ready, but you're not me. You have your own way to get ready, and that's why Dollar Shave Club is the best, guys. Dollar Shave Club has— you use it, Jason, right? You use it on your butthole?

My whole butt. Feels so good. I had Tricia shave my back in Greece with a Dollar Shave, and you know, the whole shape of my face has changed since I used Dollar Shave.

Look a lot thinner. Yeah, I mean, you look a lot better. And honestly, some people are saying that Dollar Shave Club is the best way to diet.

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It was sort of similar to what you were saying, where it's like— podcast? No, no, just like, you know, your face is in like a vise all day long, and, and there's someone standing over you, and you're just in pain and torture.

This is my concern about hell. This is like why it doesn't, it doesn't make sense in my head. Because I would assume that hell is a pretty solid place. Because if you— hear me out, hold on, because if you're— the devil is a fucking asshole, right? Yeah. So if the other people that are going to hell are assholes, then isn't it just a place for assholes to get together? Like, isn't it just the best?

Like, it's like, like prison is like Dan Bilzerian's house. I mean, what do you mean?

Like, like if the devil's an asshole, like Isn't once you get there, shouldn't the devil be like, thank you so much for murdering all those people? Like, this is fucking amazing. I'm gonna make sure your time here in hell is fucking great because you really did my work down there. Like, isn't that how it would work?

Well, have you—

I guess wouldn't— wouldn't hell be like— isn't— isn't the devil just—

it's not like all the evil superheroes on like, you know, at the Hall of Justice. Like, it's— they're not like all on the same team. Like, you just assume like like all dictators get along, you know what I mean? Oh, okay. But I see what you're saying.

Okay, so like when you get down to hell, there's probably just a bunch of war and people fighting, and it's like, okay, and that makes sense.

I was thinking, I don't know, and again, it doesn't exist, so this is a stupid topic.

But what do you think heaven's like?

Just my mom's tit and that's it.

Okay, again, we have to stop doing these at 2 AM. Jason gets really hungry and horny and it's a bad mix. Um, I think the, I think the most realistic thing for happens after we die is I think whatever we think happens happens. So I think our minds are so powerful that when they're— once they're gone, they construct this like eternity for our souls. Again, this is something I've just made up on the spot, so if it sounds dumb as shit, that's why.

That's why I like it.

Yeah, because I think our minds are so powerful that when we die, right, maybe they construct this eternity for our souls to live in. So whether it's you, you think you're just gonna be fucking nothing nothing. So congratulations, nothing's happening to you after you die. But me, maybe I think there's an afterlife, right? And my mind constructs and puts me into the happiest place ever. Do you know what I mean? And then there's people that have pledged their allegiance to, uh, to the devil, and now they're in fucking hell. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, you, you're saying you make your own destiny.

You make your own destiny. Should I start a fucking religion? Because that sounds pretty, pretty on point. Joe, what do you I definitely— just kidding, you don't have any more seconds.

I'm out if you do that.

If you start— if I start my own?

Yeah, I definitely couldn't do that. You can't?

You wouldn't hang out with me?

It sounds dangerous.

What if I named it after you? What if I named it after your kid?

Okay, okay, I'm down with that.

Okay, so I'm gonna call my religion Andy. It's Wyatt. That's why— fuck. There's a man accused— oh, here we go, here's a good story. There's a man accused of rubbing produce on his butt in Northern Virginia grocery store. His name is Dwayne Johnson, Michael Dwayne Johnson. He's 27, and they're saying he was— the store had to destroy several pallets of produce after the incident, police said. It wasn't immediately clear what he was doing, but a spokesperson, a spokesperson for the produce, said that he was defiling the produce, and the store manager said he was unable to speak about about the incident and he didn't want to comment.

This sounds like your high school has a morning newscast that you do over the announcement. And so the man rubbed his penis against it.

It does sound like I made it up.

Just so you guys know, cupcakes are on sale after school.

Have you ever done anything illegal that you want to confess to right now? And listen, as the starter of my own religion, Andy, I will let you I will wipe all your sins of—

all the illegal things I've done?

All the illegal things, but you have to tell me one of the illegal things you've done.

I bought cocaine.

You bought cocaine? Sure. Okay.

That's illegal.

When was that? That was like when you were really young? Tonight. When was the last time you bought—

oh, that's the doorbell. I mean, I'm about to buy cocaine.

When was the last time you bought blow?

Long time ago. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Couple months?

Mm, no, no, no, a couple years. Couple years. Yeah, I mean, that whole process of buying drugs is awful. Yeah, that's what was so great when they legalized marijuana. I was like blown away to walk into a store and be like, oh wow, this is all— I used to have to like go down to the like railroad tracks, like meet some weird guy to get this. Yeah, now I just walk in. 100%. That's crazy.

They still have drug dealers like that in my suburb because it's still like, it's like decriminalized, but it's not like super legal yet, so you still buy it like underground. It's funny.

It's funny to watch those people get pushed out, you know.

Yeah, the worst part about it is there's people in jail for fucking marijuana. There's people in jail for being caught with it. Why don't they just let those people go?

Because the prison makes too much money off them using them as slave labor. You're kidding.

No, I thought— I thought the prison loses money on every inmate.

No, prison makes money on the inmates because they put them to work. They work for free.

What do they do?

They go and they make coat hangers, or they like dig trenches on the side of the road.

Oh, they make coat hangers?

I love coat hangers.

Oh my god, it's fucking nuts. No prisoners are going to hell if they make coat hangers.

I feel bad for anybody in jail. Yeah, just fucking awful.

Have you ever been in jail? Yeah. You have? For what?

Hmm, I got— for alcohol. What? I was, I was like arrested for having alcohol when I was like 16. Oh, okay.

Did you have to spend the night?

No, I never spent the night.

No, but you've never been overnight or anything, right? No, that's—

thank God.

That's, that's fucking— but jail's not— jail's not bad. Jail's not where you get like attacked. That's prison, right? That's like when you get like—

my buddy was in jail and he said the first thing they do when you get to LA County is they, um— and he went for something really dumb. I can't remember what. I think he went for like a DUI or something, like he just didn't go to court. Sure. And the first thing they do is, um, put you with all the white people. He was white. And then they put— if you're black, they put you with all the black people. And if you're always Latino, they separate you right away. And I was like, I was so fascinated. So why do they do that? He's like, he's like, they just, they just do it that way. He's like, and then you report right away to like whoever is like the head of the white people. Oh really? Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah, it sounded so scary. It sounded something where I was like I wish— it's something I would never ever want to feel. I felt like such a pussy when he told me that story. I was like, oh my God.

Did he tell you anything else?

I want to crawl in my mom's vagina.

How long was he in jail for? This is the second time you've referenced your mother's body parts on this podcast.

He was in jail for like 3 weeks.

Don't ignore what I just said. Stop talking about your mother.

My mom's the best.

I know, but you talked about her tits and now her vagina. Eh, whatever.

She doesn't care. She's awesome. You know what's been nice about being friends with you? Huh? I've finally worked through any kind of embarrassment in front of my mother. When I was younger, if like a dirty movie would come on, yeah, I'd be like, oh God, this is so awkward. Yeah, they're having sex. Sure, like a sex scene in a movie. I would not watch it with my mother.

Now, now you guys watch porn together.

Nah, nah, I just don't care. Yeah, so you've really helped me with that, with all the fucking horrible things you've thrown at us. You're welcome.

I know your mother's the best. Done great. And she gets to go to heaven.

Hey, Jared, Bill Cosby had a hot dog bun— speaking of prison, he got a stale hot dog bun thrown at him.

Wait, what happened?

Bill Cosby went to jail for 3 to 10 years, and he had a stale— someone the first day, someone threw a hot dog bun at him.

How did someone report that?

Well, I don't know, it came out of the jail, jail news somehow, that someone threw a stale hot dog bun at him.

Yeah, damn, he's probably getting his fucking ass handed to him in prison.

No, he's probably separated. You think?

You think they do that?

I'm pretty positive they would. Someone— they would just kill him. Because rapists and pedophiles, they get really beaten up.

That's confusing to me, because like, I'd be surprised—

he could die in jail. Like, he could get stabbed.

Because rapists and pedophiles are horrible people, but so are murderers.

So I know it's a bit of a double standard.

Oh, like, hey, hey, hey, man, what'd you do? I touched, um, I touched a girl's ass. I'm gonna fucking stab you. What'd you do? I killed 27 people. Oh, you're cool. Cool, man.

Like, what? Like, yeah, that is a little strange. It's weird.

But is that, is that a true thing that like, yeah, rapists and pedophiles— really true. I'm trying to think if I ever did anything illegal. My friend would always steal cigarettes.

Yeah, it was a smoker. He would.

Oh, okay. I have done something illegal. What? My, um, my friend was a manager at OfficeMax. And, and he used to close up like right— he used to close up the shop. Yeah, like he would— there's no one there, it was like 10:00 PM, and we would just sit on— we just sit on the Office Max like couches and just fucking tear through the chips and the candy. I mean, like, we put our feet up on the desks at Office Max and like the Skittles, it was all fair game. It was like a really cool fridge, right? And we didn't pay for anything. And that was I was like, that was some fucked up shit I did. But for some reason, because he was a manager, I felt like it was okay. But really, we were both being— my friend, he's so good at what he does, he got promoted to manager his first week he was at work. His first week. Isn't that crazy? And everyone else was there for like 7, and he was like 18. He was 18. This is his first job. He's a smart kid. No, but he's just really good with people.

He's great with staples.

Yeah, he's great with staples, and they promoted him. Little do they know that was a mistake, cuz, um, cuz we ate all the fucking Starburst. Huh.

So what made him feel so entitled to do that? Who's that?

There's someone on my roof. Who is that? Hello? Are you doing a bit? No.

Get up.

What do you mean, get up? Who's here? Someone on my roof. I don't fucking know. Hello?

Are you guys doing a bit?

No, I'm not doing a bit. Don't worry, bro, I got fucking reflexes of steel. Hello? Hello?

Maybe there are ghosts here.

Come out now.

We all heard it, right?

Yeah, we all heard it.

Yeah, that was some ghost shit. That was weird. We all heard it.

Oh, Natalie was here and, um, the other day and the garage opened. The garage door like opened and shut and she heard footsteps come in. She thought someone just fucking walked in. No one was here.

Can I ask you a question? Was our house— I feel like every house is haunted in LA. Did you have that in Chicago or are we all just crazy here?

No, it's everyone's crazy. It's all fucking in your head, bro. Houses creak. The houses move, they make noise. Okay guys, we got in the podcast because I hope we don't die.

Because there's— I hope we see you next week.

There's a demon in here. Joe, you have to spend the night again. Joe wants to say something.

I notice I keep forgetting to plug myself. Can you guys follow me at—

no, we don't do that. No, but go check him out actually. Joe, that was a joke, but go check him out. He's funny. Joe Volpe, go check out his stuff.

You guys, thanks for listening to the podcast.

Sorry this is such a sad ending. We just found out we're fucking being followed.

Maybe this is the end, David. Maybe this is our last podcast.

This would be— this would be actually the most appropriate podcast to go out on.

Why is that?

Because we covered heaven and hell. Oh my god, that was the most monotone 'oh my god' I've ever fucking heard.

I'm so scared. I want to have a piece of Nicorette now, but it's too late.

Oh my god.

Alright, bye guys.