David Just Spent a Million Dollars on This

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where I admit to Jason that he's the most handsome guy in this room right now.

Hey, well, thank you, David. I sort of feel the same way about you.

No problem. You're starting to blush. What's that all about?

I was stung by a bee today.

How about we cut this podcast short? Just leave it at 30 seconds.

Well, that would be heavenly.

All right, this is weird. All right, let's just do the podcast. All right, roll the intro music. And boom, that was Bruce Wiegner with the intro song called Views. It was incredible. We paid $3,000 for that. Well worth it, Bruce.

That's a terrible thing to say.

Thank you. We're back with another— we're back with another podcast, another Jam Jam. I want to get right into things, and I have something to say. So I've been— I don't even know how to like get into this.

Yeah.

Jason, I, um, okay. I love you.

Did you pull the trigger?

What?

Did you pull the trigger?

I did.

You did? Today?

I did, yeah.

Whoa, when did that happen?

This morning.

Oh, that's why you were late here.

Yes.

So, um, so you feeling, uh, feeling a lot? I'll let you explain. You feeling good?

Okay, well first let me tell you what we're talking about. This is a weird thing that maybe isn't— I asked a couple people if I should talk about this, if I should talk about this on the podcast, and I— they gave me mixed responses. But here's, here's the breakdown. So I had, um, I love my car. I love the Tesla. Tesla's my favorite car. It's— I, I love what it— I love what Elon Musk is doing with all his— with his 2 other companies, or 4 other companies, or whatever he has. I love his whole mission. I love everything he's doing. Like, I'm just completely in love with the car, the company, the people, whatever.

The car is like riding, going to the Four Seasons. That's how great the car is. I would have never, ever, ever thought of it I would have never thought to buy one, but once you are inside it, it is wonderful.

Period. So I thought it would be a good thing to invest in Tesla in stocks. And stocks, for those of you guys who don't know, are something that I can't really explain to you guys because I don't really understand it myself. But so today, this morning, after thinking about it for a while, I invested in stocks and I invested in Tesla. And this is the reason I did it is because I'm I'm just going to say how much I put because it doesn't make— this is the tough part of saying how much I put without sounding like a douchebag or sounding like an idiot. I probably sound like an idiot. That's fine. I put $1 million into the Tesla stock today, which is a lot. And it's not a little for me at all. It's a lot for me. And the reason I even— now I have a lot of explaining to do, especially for my parents who are now finding out about this. You did what? You did what? Um, because, okay, so here's, here's the situation I find myself in, um, constantly. I, I think I have a super insane job that's just completely amazing and it allows me to do the coolest thing and get paid very, very handsomely. And one of my biggest fears other than getting sick is losing the job and losing this income. So I feel like it's a constant fight with me. Figuring out what do I do when this all ends? 'Cause everything comes to an end. You know, like I can't vlog for the rest of my life. I may not even have, I probably won't have the influence I have now for the rest of my life. So I'm always like finding ways to diversify my income. And I took a very aggressive way of doing that by going into stocks. But this morning, I've been following the Tesla stock for a couple months now. About 7, 8 months, which makes me a professional, and it makes me 100% know what I'm doing. And I went to— before I made this investment, I went to my banker. I have a banker who's really nice, and he helps me out with a whole bunch of things. I told him my plan that I wanted to put a million on Tesla, and his first response was, who do you have inside Tesla? What do you know that I don't? Because he thought he was— he thought I was crazy. And, and maybe, maybe I was, but I don't know. I'm very stingy when it comes to money.

You're really good when it comes money. You're— you've taught me so much. Like, like, I don't spend money on fancy clothes.

I don't buy clothes. I don't buy shoes.

You don't go out to dinner.

I don't. I hate doing all that. Like, these little things, like, I just know they add up and I hate doing it. But like, like, like, when I'm saying I put a million on Tesla, this doesn't mean I bought a million Tesla cars. It means it's an investment. Like, I'm trying— I'm, you know, I'm trying to have my money grow. And I did that today. And long story short, So it's been 12 hours since I put in my investment.

And?

And drum roll, please. You want to know how much money I made so far?

Yeah, how much?

Negative $70,000.

It dropped?

It dropped.

Did you buy it at the low price that you had last week?

I bought it at a low price.

As low as it was last week when you missed it?

I bought it at $325 a share. And now it's at $305. Really, really low.

What the fuck?

Yeah, and now here's the good part. This isn't like, I wasn't, you don't win the stock game in a day. Like, you wait it out. I talked to a lot of people and they're like, yeah, this is normal. Like, you're gonna feel like you're losing money, but you gotta wait it out. Like, my money may be in there for months, years, just waiting for it to get to the amount I want it to so I can pull it out. That's how stock works. You wait for it to go up, and then when you feel like it's at its peak, You put— it's like gambling, but it's like people don't consider it gambling. 100%.

Oh, it's 100% gambling. It's 100% gambling because the amount of time that it consumes you. It's— you've been watching that stock. You were lamenting when you missed it at $320. And okay, then it went to fucking $305 today.

Yeah. So it's— it's—

I'm— damn it.

Right now, if I pull all the money I have in my stocks, I would get back $930,000 because the stock has gone down. I'm trying to explain this to the people that are listening. At home. So, um, this is, this is, this is normal. It's not normal. This is a big drop because Tesla fluctuates so much because it's just—

what happened today that made it fluctuate? Um, Elon Musk.

Elon Musk passed away, the creator of Tesla, on the day you put $1 million inside the own car because they all exploded. Um, no, no, no, it was just, it was just a bad day for Tesla. Reports came out, it wasn't a good day. But, but that's just how it goes. This is how it goes with this company. And I'm talking like I know this shit.

You've explained it well.

No, I've talked to a bunch of people and I've gotten pretty—

What was the good end? What were the good conversations you had? Like, I heard you have a conversation with Joe today where he was like, yeah, Joe was like, it's always gonna go up, you'll be fine.

I had a conversation with Joe. He's like, it's Tesla. It's like one of the most innovative companies right now. You have nothing to worry about. It's gonna go down, but like, don't worry, in a year you'll see it skyrocketing.

Yeah.

So it's a waiting game. And the reason I regret doing it And I did it because, especially like when you're in school, they try to teach you how to make money. That's the goal is how to make money. But they, at least at my school, or maybe the classes I took, they never taught me, they never teach you how to like maintain your income, or how to grow, or how to diversify your income. And like that's the part I'm trying to figure out myself.

They never even taught me how to make money.

Yeah, well we know that. No, no, no, yeah, okay, fair enough. My school didn't either. They're not really good at teaching you how to make money. But it's—

we've talked about that. Schools should do that. They should teach you how to survive, and they don't. They teach you French.

Well, I learned Spanish, and I actually kind of found it useful.

Sure, but it didn't make you a dollar.

No, but I sound pretty dope when I talk to people in Spanish. When I say hola, after 5 years of Spanish, when I say hola and someone goes, oh, no shit, you watch Dora. No, no, but yeah, okay. So that's why I did it. And it's down right now. And I'm also telling you guys because I feel like it's interesting. And I feel like it's such a learning experience. And I kind of want everyone else to be in on it.

I think it's great that you told everybody. I don't think it's douchey at all. I think it's really good for the listener because now they can watch the stock.

You can watch my—

They can watch David Byrne.

You can watch me plummet. So for those of you guys who follow stock, I bought— If you don't follow stock, you will now. Yeah, I bought 3,000 shares of Tesla at $325.55, if you guys want to follow up with where my stock is at now. And now it's sitting at $305. If you guys don't know what that means, just do some research and you'll be like, oh shit, yeah, he's fucked.

How often will you check it now, from now on?

Okay, this is what I was saying. My biggest regret, I— if I can go back in time, I don't know if I'd do it. I most likely wouldn't because of how much it consumes me now.

I told you this last week.

I didn't know it would be like this.

Oh my God, I told you.

I said, David, all you're going to do is watch that I am 98% sure it's going to bounce back up because it's Tesla and the world would have to explode for it to go down. But I check up on it every hour and it's fucking stupid and it's bad.

You got to do something else.

I know. Just don't go now. I know.

You can't do anything.

I told Zane, I wish I can get hypnotized and pretend I ever spent money on Tesla. And then you come to me in like 3 years and you're like, hey, David, by the way, check Tesla. You see how it's doing so great? Yeah, you bought $1 million. 3 years ago. You're fucking rich now, David. Or you call me in 3 years and you're like, hey David, uh, got some bad news. You got some bad news. You're gonna have to move out of the country. Um, no, but it was a lot of money and it wasn't, it wasn't, it's not a good, it wasn't a good decision, but I kind of just, I, I really like living fast and dying fast apparently. Do you, you know why I did it? Like, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know why you did it and It would eat me alive if I had $1 million out there.

Yeah, it was—

My favorite part about the whole thing is it's really cool to have this outlook on— so now when someone asks me about stocks, I finally have something to say. I'd be like, OK, go for it. But dude, the first day I did it, I lost $70,000.

Yeah, now you have a good story.

Yeah.

You're living life. Yeah, it's cost you a million dollars, but you got a great story.

Yeah, you can't learn—

a million dollars—

you can't learn without failing.

This is true. You'll be fine. You'll be fine.

Yeah, so I, I'm telling you guys, one, to warn you guys, two, to, um, just when you guys—

when you have a million dollars lying around, throw it into one stock.

Um, no, two, to like, just because I, I find it so interesting, and I would— I like— I don't know, like, I know my friends from my hometown are like gonna keep up with this because it's just so interesting. It's like, will David crash and burn? Or will David come out on top victorious?

You're going to get so many tweets now.

Yeah, now everyone will just be watching. Yeah, I'm not going to be checking up on the stock, but everybody listening to these podcasts, I'm just going to get tweets saying, David, dude, Tesla went down 20 points, you're fucked, man.

What's going on with Bitcoin? I hear you talking about that a lot too.

Bitcoin's a whole nother thing I don't want to get into, but, um, but there's a, there's a whole lot of different ways out there to make money and it's, and it's eating my brain and it's very frustrating because I just want to focus on making videos.

—right—

but like, I'm so scared. I'm like, when the video's in, what the hell am I going to do? And like, that's what's like— I'm like, I'm like, I'm like frantic. I'm like watching Netflix specials on how Donald Trump came to power.

Let's say you cashed out at $2 million. OK. Let's say it goes well. Maybe in 2, 3 years you cash out for $2 million. Yeah. Jason, I'm done.

I pull the money out of Tesla for $2 million? Yeah.

Then what would you do?

What I would do is I would continue investing in stocks, but what you do is you diversify. What I did is I put all of my— it's okay to put a million dollars into stock. It's not okay to put it into Tesla, because when Tesla goes bye-bye, all your money goes bye-bye. Yeah, that's, that's a very bad idea. But I just felt confident enough that it was working, and maybe it is. Maybe, maybe I'm— it's been one day, and in my head I'm like, it's going to be in there for at least 3 months. So I'm just eating myself over a day.

But maybe get a hobby or something, or, or you should have a thing that you do every time you think to check it. Like, you go masturbate. Yeah, you go masturbate.

Well, not that I can't masturbate 50 times a day.

No, but you know, maybe you go and look at like cats or something. You go look at like pictures of kittens online.

You come to my house, it's just a bunch of sketches of cats on my walls. I'm going insane.

Draw a cat every time.

I've drawn 30,000 cats in 2 weeks.

What did Liza say about this?

Liza said I was insane. Oh, she did. I mean, it was—

what else did the banker say? The banker—

it's my money. It's my money. He advised me completely against it. He's like, yeah, don't do it, diversify your income. And I hope you guys aren't bored listening to this because I just find it so intriguing, especially when it's not your money. No, it's not boring at all. Listen to someone fuck up. Um, no, I honestly just wanted to do it because, like I said, I'm really cheap with my money. I'm really careful. But like, when it comes to like making more and taking risks. I don't know, I'm all about high risk, big reward. That's like, that's all, like, that's— when have you— that's how I ride or die.

Have you taken a high risk in your life that it panned out?

Um, I brought a 44-year-old to co-host my podcast tonight. Oh, so let me tell you something, guys. There's this thing called Bitcoin. It's like an online currency., and it's basically untraceable. That's like the most favorite thing for why people get it. It's like an online currency. It's not like regulated by the US government. It's basically made by like a couple college kids. I don't even know how it started. But basically how it started out is Bitcoin, one Bitcoin used to cost like 2 cents, and then it used to cost 10 cents, and at this point right now, this day, Okay, right today it costs $6,400 for 1 Bitcoin. So when my friend came to me and first introduced me Bitcoin, this was like, this was like maybe 5 months ago, he came to me, he's like, dude, you should really get on Bitcoin, it's blowing up. And he's like, buy 1 Bitcoin at least. It was $2,200 a coin. And I'm like, okay, I'll try it. And I didn't get on it because my app wasn't working or some shit, I don't know. And I check back a couple months later, I check back 3 months later, and it's at, it's at $4,500. And I'm like, holy shit, it's doubled. I go to my friend Zane, I'm like, Zane, look at Bitcoin, it just doubled from a couple months ago. And then I'm like, I can't believe we missed that. I can't believe we, like, we should have hopped on it when we had the chance, right? And then I check again 2 months later, and now I see it's at $6,400. And to myself again, I'm like, Dude, I can't believe I missed it. And I keep missing it. The way Bitcoin works is you buy one coin for $2,000, right? And then you go, and then you watch it grow, whatever. It can grow, it can also plummet to the ground just like any stock. And 6 months later, like it happened, now it's at $6,000. So you sell that same coin, and now you get $6,000 back when you paid $2,000 for it. So you made triple your money. And there's stories about people in Bitcoin. When the app— or when Bitcoin first started, people— it would, it would cost like a cent, a cent or two for a Bitcoin. And like the early people went and they bought thousands of bitcoins. Like they just bought a bunch when it was a startup company, right? And they completely forgot about it in their account. Yeah, I've heard those stories. And then fast forward to now, there was a guy who like, who went on his account and found out he had $21 million worth of Bitcoin. That he completely forgot about. $21 million, real dollars, like American dollars, just sitting in an account that he completely forgot about because Bitcoin just fucking blew up. Wow. It's nuts. And it's just so crazy how many ways there are to make money, and it's just so intriguing to me, and like I don't have enough knowledge.

There's not enough time in the day.

Yeah, I don't—

There's just not enough.

I don't have enough time to educate myself, So I kind of just jumped into the deep end with this Tesla thing.

So you just threw a million?

In a goofy way. It was a big decision. I didn't throw a million.

How did you feel when you walked out? I didn't.

I just did it on the phone.

Oh, you did it on the phone?

I did it on the phone. I went to bed. I woke up 2 hours later. I'm like, wow, I'm down $30,000. And then I couldn't go back to bed. And then I came here, and then Joe showed me the stock I was trying to avoid. And he's like, you're actually down $70,000. And I'm like, OK. But like I said, Tesla's great. They're gonna bounce back. They kill it. I can't wait for people to listen to this podcast in like 5 months when I'm completely out of money. They're gonna be like, oh, look how cute he sounded and how optimistic he was. People are gonna listen to this shit and they're gonna be like, yep, that's the day David Dobrik lost everything. No, but Tesla's great. Go buy their stocks, please. Help us out here.

What's the plan for the holidays, Dave?

To make it, to make it to the holidays. I don't know, I'm ready. I'm ready for Halloween. Yeah, I'm ready. Halloween just ended. I know.

Oh really? Yeah, Halloween was like 8 days around here.

Halloween and Halloween sucked this year. Yeah, Halloween in Los Angeles lasts, lasts a week, and it's ridiculous because people—

I think it was the way it fell.

People go to the Halloween store here like they're grocery shopping because every day they need a new costume.

Yeah, it's really too much. I think I saw Scott in 9 different costumes.

Yeah, our friends were switching costumes the same day. They would take a picture, they'd post it on Instagram, and they're like, okay, I got my Instagram costume out of the way, now I need my going out costume.

And it was nuts. And that— no, that was Friday they went out, Saturday, and then kids came trick-or-treating to our house. People showed up here Saturday at 3 in the morning.

I was out till like 5 in the morning doing Halloween stuff.

I missed everything. My kids. I have my kids.

Why are you taking care of your kids?

Well, there's this thing, it's the law, I guess. You gotta watch them.

Are you serious?

Yeah, it's pretty strict.

When is that over?

Well, they're trying to get rid of it. Good. I'm leading the charge.

What is the charge called?

It's called the "No More Bullshit" charge. It's called the "I'm Tired of This Shit" charge.

It's called the "Pack Your Own Lunch" charge.

It's called "Figure It Out Yourself." How old are your kids? They're 11 and 8.

11 and 8.

And they love being around here, you know, with everybody, the— you and the boys. But goddamn, you guys party hard. Yeah, you don't. Oh, this guy came to the— these girls came to the house. You were here at 3 in the morning.

They came at—

yeah, and they came uninvited to the house for a party. There was a few people here.

There was like 9 people that showed up.

Yeah, I was asleep. I came home at 12 asleep.

I remember this.

3 in the morning.

Someone Snapchatted these girls. And, um, and yeah, and then what happened? I remember this.

Someone Snapchatted the girls coming in, and then, um, they left. Yeah. And then at 5:30 in the morning, they came back.

At 5:30 in the morning?

Yeah, and rang the doorbell.

All of them?

No, just two of them. Well, they wanted the Snapchat deleted.

Why do they want it deleted?

Because they felt that it made them look basic, that they had showed up to a party where they didn't— weren't invited.

They drove all the way back to your house to say that? To have someone delete their Snapchat.

Yeah, and she was, she was so fucking nonchalant about it. She was just like, she had, she like, it wasn't 5:30 in the morning and the lights weren't totally out dark. She was like, hi, how are you? Good to see you. She's like, um, you need to go ahead and delete that Snapchat. And I was like, well, it wasn't mine.

Who was she?

She was a famous, uh, actress.

What kind of acting did she do? I already know the story. I just, I just wanted out of Jason.

She did some porno acting. Yeah, she was a porno actress. She's a porn star, apparently.

She was a porn star. And just—

and she's with a giant rear end and, and no clothes on under— on her rear end. Really? Like a big thong. Like, it was really weird.

Like, I was like, are you a fan of her work?

No, I don't know her. But I was, I was saying like, get out of the house, you know, leave, or whatever. And I only saw her front, but then when she wanted to leave and I saw her back, I was like, oh, maybe you don't have to go. Because, you know, she had like a thong on. Their ass was giant.

Girls, girls, and girls here are really— even guys dress up really scandalous here. It's, it's everyone. I know, even our guy friends are wearing thongs.

You see Todd? He had his dick like completely through a hole.

Yeah, uh, no, but it was good. It was— we had a good Halloween.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you had a good Halloween. I was here taking care of children, fucking carving pumpkins, doing all that shit. I mean, I liked it, it was good, but you know, you feel like you miss out.

What's the worst part about having kids? During special occasions like Halloween where you can go party?

Uh, just probably like last night, like, like trick-or-treating. It— that— it— no, there's nothing bad.

Oh yeah, how was it trick-or-treating with your kids?

It was fine. We were on a street that was dark. You couldn't see anything. There was thousands of people.

That's usually what trick-or-treating is like, but it was— it wasn't— it was dark out.

Uh, it was poorly lit, so then you lose them and then you can't find them, and that's really scary, and they don't have phones.

What do they dress up as?

Uh, Wyatt went as a hockey player and Charlie went as a cheerleader. He went as a zombie hockey player. Original. Yeah, I thought it was pretty great. I, I— what were you? You were Chips. Chips Patrol.

Yeah, I was a cop.

If you could meet one person in the world, who would you want to meet? Dead or alive?

Damn, let's do both. Um, I feel like your mother would be a great person to meet alive. Awesome.

You'll be meeting her on November 12th when we go to Boston.

Oh, she's the alive option? Yeah. I'm pumped out. I messed up. Okay, for dead? Dead, yeah. Probably Hitler, I guess.

But you're curious?

It'd have to be Hitler.

He's so curious.

But it wouldn't— well, yeah, I wouldn't want it to be like a meet-and-greet. I'd want to be like a fly on the wall in like a room with Hitler.

It's not meeting, that's fly on the wall. We didn't say fly on the wall. Okay, I'd be down to meet Hitler, but now like, okay, you guys just be really cool when he walks in. David, I mean, you asked for this. I mean, you know, he doesn't really normally meet with people, but he loves your channel.

He watched it in 1942?

He liked it. He likes it. That was really funny. He loves Corinna. She's his favorite.

Um, no, I would— that, that would be probably the most interesting, the probably the worst man in the history of—

yeah, just history. He's like— yeah, but you know what, probably—

am I allowed to kill him? I, I'm assuming.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are we talking about here? You're allowed to kill him.

I guess that's really dangerous, actually.

Yeah, you can get yourself into some trouble messing with the timeline. You wouldn't be able to come back in time. Like, if you die in the past, fuck, that would throw off everything. What would happen to me?

We wouldn't even have this podcast. That's right.

Okay, well, I'd be working at Chick-fil-A.

If, if you had the option to go back in time, yeah, you had a gun, yeah, and Hitler was 3 years— he was standing in front of you 3 years before he came to power, sure, would you kill him?

I mean, yeah, I know I can get back on the time machine. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I fucking blow him away.

Do you think there's a chance?

I probably wouldn't.

Yeah, because my main concern would be what if, what if Hitler stopped another world leader from committing some really bad shit even worse than Hitler? You know what I mean? What if Hitler's like Power and then downfall was important in history because it didn't last long, but it preoccupied everyone else from coming to power and taking over the world forever.

Wow, David, I'm really, really excited. You really studied.

I really appreciate it. And that's why I put a million dollars out on Tesla.

I feel like I'm in— I feel like I'm talking to like the dumb kid in class who finally like has something to talk about. Think about this.

Okay, today we're talking about Hitler and time machines.

Yeah, me, me, me, me, me, me. Okay, David, you seem very passionate. Go ahead.

You haven't spoken up all year. No, but that would be my main concern is if I got the opportunity to kill Hitler, would I do it or would I mess with some serious things? I'd definitely punch him around a little bit. Yeah? Yeah.

Just take a couple swings at him?

Especially the best part about punching Hitler around would be, and like kicking his ass, is I am the guy that he wouldn't kill, right? So it wouldn't add to his hatred to Jewish people. It would just leave him confused. I'd be like, yeah, I'm a Catholic. I'm a Christian. And I hate you. And he'd be just really baffled. And he'd be like, who am I to hate? Is everybody against me?

I think he was well aware that— Well, regardless— A lot of people didn't like him.

I'd definitely kick his ass. But there is this weird thing with killing him. I don't know why we're talking about this as a potential battle.

I know. What about alive? You meet someone alive?

Meet someone alive? Yeah, um, I would—

I feel like if you met Hitler, you, you'd be— it'd be a letdown. Really? Yeah, I feel like I would expect some horrible awfulness.

Are you, are you trying to justify Hitler's personality? I'm just saying, especially you, you're Jewish.

People at face value, you don't really get the full person. In other words, let's say I'm a David Dobrik fan. He's— he, he—

listen, I doubt, I doubt he was, he was like a fucking douchebag, but he was clinically psychotic. Do you know what I mean?

He was on a lot of drugs. He wasn't—

he was— I doubt he was like, what's up Jason, you old fuck? Like, I doubt he was like that kind of dick. He might have— he was— I think he was just genuinely an egotistical fucking maniac and something that you wouldn't just see from the first time meeting him. Like, I'm sure if you're working at a Starbucks and he came in and ordered a latte and you didn't know it was Hitler, you would have no idea that Hitler just ordered a latte. I don't think he was that standout crazy, but obviously what was going on in his mind—

Or maybe he's the guy in line at Starbucks that you just hate instantly. Maybe he was the guy who's like, "Fuckin', there's too much foam in this." Did you hear that his mom— And then pop 'em.

Did you hear that his mom wanted an abortion, but the doctor talked him out of, the doctor talked the mom out of an abortion? Really? Yeah, so that makes you think. What if the doctor was sent from the future to talk the mother out of the abortion because the abortion happened?

Fuck, now you gotta kill two people.

Yeah, I have to kill the doctor and the mother. It's crazy. It's tough, and that's why I don't like time machines.

How's your dating life going? It's good.

I'm— that's a tough transition. How about we just stop talking about the Hitler thing because it's starting to creep me out.

Okay, we had an incident today. Oh, okay.

Well, oh, today we had an incident. You always look at me like that when it's about me. Is it about me?

It's not about you. Oh, okay. I like stories that aren't about you because you can enjoy it more.

Yeah, okay, go. Yeah, okay.

Well, a friend of mine calls me today, says, uh—

Oh, holy shit, you're bringing this up on the podcast?

I'm not gonna say his name.

You're not gonna say Jerry's name? But then it adds so much more flavor.

Okay, if you want to throw Jerry Rieschenstock under the bus, let's do it. No, okay, Jerry calls me today.

This is a juicy story.

This is juicy. Jerry calls me today.

Should I back it up? Go ahead. I'll back it up.

Back it up.

Okay, about 4 months ago. Yeah, it's happened 4 months. What? Uh-oh.

You've known about this for 4 months?

I'm very good at keeping secrets.

You've known about this for 4 months?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Wow. Yeah, shows what kind of guy I am.

Well, I admire it, actually. Okay, I've got a ton of shit I know that you don't too. Good, good. Fuck, it's the way it should be.

What do you know?

Sometimes people say that to me, they'll go, Well, I can tell you, but you can't tell anyone. And I go, don't tell me.

Okay, so let me backtrack. Um, Jason. Yes, correct. Good. I'm like trying not to say the real person's name. Um, a couple—

don't give too many details. I want—

I want—

you were— I'll be careful. I want to protect him. Yeah, yeah.

All right. Okay, so, uh, a couple— like a year ago, Jason was seeing this girl, and they were— they were fondling with each other. They were having sex. I don't know, I wanted to make it sound cute. Uh, there's nothing cute about Jason having sex. Um, no, but they were, they were, they were seeing each other for like how long?

A few months.

It was like on and off for, for— it wasn't like serious dating.

It wasn't serious and it wasn't—

and then, and then 3 months later, um, our other friend Jerry ended up sleeping, yeah, with the girl that Jason was seeing. Yeah. And this was 3 months after Jason cut ties with this girl. And Jerry told me this when we were having a little secret session at lunch. And he's like, okay, I have a secret, but you can't tell anyone.

Oh my God, he's such a blabbermouth. I will know not to tell him anything.

No, no, no, no, no. You know why? It's because I said a big secret and our other friend said a big secret and it was time for him to share our big secret. He was pinned in a corner. So he goes, he goes, You can't tell anybody about this, especially Jason. I had sex with his ex-girlfriend 3 months after they broke up. And I'm like, what? And he's like, yeah, man, things just got heated. I was driving her home and we both knew it was wrong, but we just did it. We just did it. We just had sex. And he was like freaking out telling me the story. I'm like, dude, it's chill. Calm down. Don't worry. Like, it was 3 months after they— they weren't even— Jason and this girl weren't even really dating. It wasn't exclusive. It wasn't like me and my girlfriend. Not at all. It was literally, they were just talking to each other. It wasn't exclusive at all, one bit. And yesterday, fast forward 4 months later, we're sitting at a party. I get an email, and, sorry, I get a text from my friend, and it's an email saying, hey, wouldn't it be funny if someone found out that Jerry's been keeping a secret from Jason that he had sex with his ex-girlfriend? Like a threatening email from this random woman.. And I'm sitting right next to— I'm sitting right next to Jerry. And I'm like, Jerry, look at this phone.

And right, so you already knew all of it. You were like, well plugged in. Yeah.

And he flips shit. And he's like, oh my God. Oh my God. This isn't good. This isn't good. This isn't good. And I'm like, Jerry, dude, it's— it's fine. It's not a big deal. He's like, no, this is bad. This is really, really bad. This is not good. And I'm like, you got to calm down. And fast forward, fast forward like to 4 in the morning, 2 hours before I'm buying my Tesla stock, um, get a text from Jerry saying, dude, this is really bad, this is really bad. I'm like, you gotta calm down, just go talk to Jason and tell him what you did, it's not a big deal, they weren't dating, there's no biggie. Okay, and now Jason, you finish the rest of the story.

So then I get, uh, a call today about getting together for 10 minutes from Jerry, from Jerry. And I said, okay, yeah. So like, then I get a text, I'm here. I'm like, okay, come outside. Yeah. And I was like, okay. And like, I put my shoes on and I walk outside and I look in the car and Jerry's fucking busted up. He's— he's— I mean, never seen him like this. Yeah. Again, the car, I go, dude, what's going on?

Just to recap, Jerry's about to tell Jason that he slept with his not-really ex-girlfriend. Okay, continue.

And I go, what's going on? Did I do something? Did I do something? He's like, oh dude, oh dude, I don't know, man. Oh man.

Oh boy.

So I'm like, Jerry, what is it, man? Yeah, what happened? Like, I'm thinking like Dateline shit, like murder. That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking he fucking—

you think he murdered someone?

I think he was having sex with a girl and it was rough and she died, or Or maybe he fucking ran someone over and he kept driving.

Like the absolute worst.

I mean, I was thinking bad. Yeah, really bad shit. Yeah. I said, I said, is it something with Charlie and Wyatt? Is it something with Charlie and Wyatt? No, dude. No, no, dude. It's not with them. Like, is it something with Marnie? That's my ex-wife. No, dude. No, no, no. I'm like, dude, whatever. I'm like, dude, tell me. Tell me what it is. Like, I'm screaming at him. He's like, I can't. Really?

I can't tell you.

Oh, why couldn't I have been there to film it? That's why he didn't want to come inside. Oh no, I'm just putting that together. That's probably why. So I just said, look, dude, I said, whatever it is, just tell me and we'll work it out. Whatever it is, man, you can tell me. Just tell me. And he's like, it went on and on. A few months ago, I, you know, after you stopped dating, I slept with, you know, so-and-so. And I was like, I'm like, oh, I don't care. I don't care at all.

What do you say?

I could care less. And he's like, you're lying, you're lying. I'm like, no. I'm like, go for it. I'm glad you got some. I'm like, she's, you know, she does that.

That's how I got some. Yeah, no shit, she fucked you. She had sex with me. It's pretty obvious that she was gonna have sex with anybody in her way.

Yeah, so that was it.

And then he just, he just left, left, he went home happy?

No, he was still really busted up. Oh, still upset with himself.

Like, and right when I found this out, I told him, I'm like, Jason, let's call him right now. I'll turn the camera on and you just be fucking crying and you just be like, Jerry, I didn't want to say it earlier, but that really fucked up the rest of my rest of my night. I don't think I'll ever be the same.

I'm never talking to you again.

Just to pull a prank on Jerry. But I think that's the most— that's one of the most ridiculous stories, and I'm, and I'm very happy that you handled it with such grace.

Yeah, I mean, I'm happy that it wasn't anything bad. I don't care if he had slept with Marnie. That would have been a bummer. Your ex-wife?

Yeah. Then you would have been like, oh, come on, man.

That would have been fucked up. Yeah, I think so. But it's like you say, like, I don't— I, I, you know I don't know, I just don't get possessive about that shit. It just didn't bother me at all. That was great. When's the last time you cried?

When's the last time I cried? Yeah. Jesus. Um, Jason, I don't— I feel like you missed the first half of this podcast. I mean, the first few episodes? No, I feel like you missed the first— like, I feel like you missed 30 minutes ago where I told you I lost $70,000 today. Um, no, the last time I cried Um, I cry a lot. I, I cry when I see a great YouTube video. I cry when I see a great movie. Um, I cried to songs. The last time I cried was to a song.

No, no, no, but I mean, like, obviously, you know, at that— but you're skirting the issue.

Yeah, okay, I am, I am.

What do you cry about?

But the last time I cried, can I just say, yeah, it was listening to Post Malone, Congratulations. I don't know why, but I think that song's so fucking beautiful.

It's a great song. Trying to convince the kids to do that song.

Uh, when's the last time I cried cried?

Yeah, like, like what? Like, for example, like, I saw that Will Smith movie, uh, with his son, Pursuit of Happiness. Pursuit of Happiness. And I, I fucking bawled during that movie because—

okay, that's exactly what I just told you.

Yeah, but why? I could tell you why. Can you tell me why you bawled? I, I bawled during it because we were homeless when I was a kid, and it reminded me of fucking being homeless.

You were homeless? Yeah.

Where'd you live? I lived in my grandmother's for a while.

Ha, plot twist! So you weren't homeless, you lived at your grandmother's. Okay, okay, okay. All right, so you were homeless, but you guys were staying at relatives? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, that kind of just reminded me of that. Yeah, that's—

that's—

so then why did you cry of sheer happiness?

Um, I cried because he was trying to sell the computer and I was trying to sell my stocks.

No, I'm just— the issue—

I'm avoiding the issue. I cried because I— it was just beautiful. What do you mean? It was the best. It was a great movie.

Yeah, it's a great movie.

It was phenomenal. I— there's no—

there's no reason to have any sadness in your life, you know, that you— that you have to re-examine? That long trip from Slovakia when you were 5, does that ever come up? Fuck you. What? No, I'm not— I'm not trying to be funny.

Fuck you for bringing that up.

I'm not trying to be funny. I'm actually asking you a question.

That hit a chord. I am done with this podcast.

That's fine if you want to, you know, run around.

No, I don't— I don't— I— crying out of sadness isn't my thing as much as it is crying out of happiness, or like like, just congratulations. Yeah. Or just like, like, like when stuff works. Like when, when it's just like, like, like, like I told you, like, this is, this is a bad example, but the first time I flew first class, or like the second time I flew first class, I was just like, this is so fucking cool. Like, I'm so lucky.

And like, it's pretty cool.

Like, like sometimes I'll be in my car and I'll realize that I'm driving a Tesla and I'll just fucking start crying listening to Lana Del Rey because I'm like, what the The fuck is going on? Like, it's just, it's insane, dude.

It's like, it's been a good year.

It's like, it's so annoying, like when— it's not annoying, but like, you know, like when actors or like, you know, you know, popular people who have a lot of money talk about how crazy it is to be in the shoes they are, and you don't really relate to it because you're just like, yeah, they've always been successful, blah blah blah, you know what I mean? Right, right. But like, it's so much different when like, when you were just a kid. Like, I went to high school And like now I found myself into a little bit of, you know, money and a little bit of like a stable, you know, job that gives me good income. And it's just fucking— it's mind-blowing and it's just so amazing. And like, I don't know, I want to— it's just—

it's mind-blowing for me to think about like a year ago from today, to think that I have a channel, I have all friends.

I found my other kid who I gave back right away because I got to hang out with her. She wasn't great. Um, no, but, but yeah, no, I just think it's great. And I, I, I like crying. I don't know, crying is the best. I like crying about like cool things, like, right, awesome things.

When was the last time you cried? I told you. Congratulations.

We were listening to Post Malone. Who's we? Uh, me and Liza.

Did she catch you crying? No.

Would you hide it? No, she's seen me cry.

She's seen me cry. I've done that before. I've always tried to hide crying in front of a woman. Do you try to hide crying when you're in front of a woman?

Not in front of Liza. I don't really care. Liza's seen me cry.

And then what did she say?

She says, "Pussy." And then she punches me in the dick. Uh, no, no, no, she's totally cool. Usually when I cry, she's crying too because we're watching something or listening— not listening, it's usually when we watch something.

You weren't both crying listening to Congratulations?

No, no, 100%. No, she was recording a Snapchat. She was, she She was whipping and neighing while I was bawling my eyes out. No, I wasn't even crying. It was like a little tear. Like, it was like, ah, I'm happy. She caught you. But I saw them— no, she didn't catch me. But I saw— I watched the movie About Time, and it's like, it's my favorite movie, and I cry every single fucking time.

About Time, what's that about?

It's about this guy who has the ability to go back in time and kill Hitler. No, I'm kidding.

That'd be fucking weird. And buy Tesla stock.

And buy Tesla stock. And not buy Tesla stock. No, it's about this guy who has the ability to go back in time and just change things in his life, and he uses it to change his love life. And it's like amazing because it's like a time travel movie, but it's without the whole like— who's in it? Rachel McAdams and the ginger guy from Harry Potter. And it's great. It's fucking so good, and it makes me bawl my eyes out all the time. Really? Speaking out, speaking out. Speaking about bawling my eyes out, this is gonna make me bawl my eyes out. This is a horrible transition. I just want to let you guys know it's the end of the podcast. That's all the time we have for today, folks. Um, we're gonna be in Boston for, uh, a live show. New York's already sold out. Yeah, we're gonna be in Boston. There's like, there's like 100 tickets left.

Yeah, so if you're listening to this podcast, David put it on his vlog today and then we started to sell a lot of tickets, which is good. So go, thanks for doing No problem.

What took you so fucking long? I was busy. I wasn't busy.

Why don't you like doing the live shows?

No, I do. I just get so nervous.

You know what really bummed me out last week? You were fucking talking shit about the live show.

Because that's how— that's how I amp myself.

I was fucking good at the live show.

I will never come off a show and compliment myself. It's just not my thing, dude. Don't—

don't fucking— don't fucking put me down. Well, I was good. I was funny.

We're a pair.

Well, we are a pair, but you were good too. Like, like, what the fuck? Like, if you don't like it, then fucking do something about it.

I will see you at the bus.

Why don't we do some improv games right now? Yeah, going— okay, why don't we work at it?

Why don't we save this for the Boston show, Jason? But guys, join us in New York, join us in Boston. There's 100 tickets left for the tickets in Boston. And then join us in Chicago because we may be having a show there, we don't know yet. But we're bringing all our friends to Boston and New York, so— or at least some of our friends. So we'll see you guys there. Buy some merch, fandrew.co/dobrik/nash. Or yeah, follow us on Twitter. My name's Jeff, that's Jason. See you guys later. Bye! Say bye.

Say bye. Oh, you know, adiós. Bye.