Walking in on Parents Having Sex

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason takes a bunch of carrots and tries to fill all his holes with them. He has 37 just in his mouth right now. Let me pull them out. That was insane, Jason. If only the people could have seen that.

No, well, they did see it. I taped it all. What? I recorded it. I'm sending it to Guinness tomorrow morning. You know, I go to that joke every time. Guinness is going to come somehow and look at this.

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They're great. Thank you, MeUndies. Roll the intro music. You know, you know what I don't understand ever? What is— is how— I think we've talked about this before. How can some— oh, holy cow.

You got some of the carrots.

Yeah, yeah, some of the carrots that you shot at me through your butthole. Um, how, how, how often do people hate stuff where they send it back? Like, how many people try on me undies and they're like, fuck these?

Oh yeah, it's, it's a total scam.

You think it happens?

No, I mean, who has the time to send some underwear back? You don't send them back, right?

No. Like, if you bought something, you didn't like it, they send me one, they send me a new shipment every week, so I never have to send it back.

Yeah, but like, you—

but yeah, I'm just trying to show off.

But you have a water cooler out there that you're never going to use.

Yeah, my parents sent me that.

And you're not going to send it back and get the $1,700 back.

Speaking of my parents, have you ever walked in on your parents having sex?

Me? Yes, I have.

Really?

Yes.

How'd it go?

Uh, attractive story, like paints them in a good light.

Or which time do you want me to say? One time, my 13th, 15th, or 17th birthday.

I got in, I went in. Oh, they were, they were separated. It must have been like 11 or 12, and we went to like some hotel to celebrate the ending of the First World War. I'm sorry, that's because I'm old. Yeah, I want to explain it to everybody out there who didn't get it. It's because I'm old.

Jason's 44, I'm 21. Yeah, I can, I can—

I liked it better when you were 20.

I liked it better when I was 22.

Yeah, it sounded better.

Yeah, it's not as funny now, huh?

No, it's not as funny.

I'm almost catching up to you.

I know.

Soon I'm gonna be just as old as you.

Um, no, I, I was— I walked in— oh, anyways, yeah, they, they were in a hotel and they had already been separated, but for whatever reason they came back to, um, to be— try to be together one more time or something. And then—

oh, they were divorced?

Well, they weren't divorced yet, but they had been separated for a while. But I don't know, the three of us were somewhere and they like tried to kind of rekindle the family and do a family vacation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay.

It was always bad. When I got— my parents got divorced, I was so happy.

Oh wow.

Oh yeah, it was the worst. They, they came to me, they're like, we're so sorry. I'm like, oh thank God, we have to fucking have to do this anymore. This has been horrible for everyone involved.

You're like 7 years old. Yeah, your first words, thank fucking God.

I was so excited.

Really?

Oh yeah, my father was horrible.

Oh, so you were like excited for your mom? Did your dad used to hit you?

He didn't hit me. He hit me a couple times.

With what?

Uh, his hand, his fist, his brass knuckles.

And why would he hit you?

Hit me with a blender once.

No, you probably deserved it though.

Oh, fuck off. Bad post, bad thumbnail, bad—

yeah, yeah, bad YouTube videos, bad Vines, or whatever you were doing at the time.

Uh, yeah, so anyways, they came back and anyways, I— they sent me out for ice and I But the ice machine wasn't very far. It was literally like right outside the door. And I think I was gone for like 90 seconds. And I came back and they were having sex.

That's a— were you— what was your mom wearing?

I don't know. They were like under sheets. It was really awkward.

You're like, it was this beautiful lace—

It was what?

You just don't start talking about her underwear as if you completely recall it. So, and then you came back and you walked in on them.

And then I just stood there.

And then what happened?

Well, my dad finished, and then you high-fived him. I don't know. I don't— I honestly, I blocked it out, but it did happen. Don't you have shit like that that you're like, oh yeah, that was fucking weird?

No, not really.

You don't have anything weird that happened that you blocked out?

No, not blocked out. No, I guess I wouldn't know if I blocked it out.

My, uh, my dad was— he was just really rough growing up. Horrible. He walked me out, uh, When I was older, even— I got— I think I was in my 30s. No, I think it was like 40.

Wow.

Took a— he took me for a walk once on summer vacation.

This was like, what, 2 months ago?

Yeah, yeah. Well, maybe it was like 4 or 5 years ago.

Yeah.

And he actually apologized for everything that he did to me as a child. It was really fucking heavy. Yeah. What do you—

what did he do to you?

He just— this fucking tortured me, like, awful, awful. You know, he's just like a really masculine guy. Yeah. And I'm not.

Yeah, you're a pussy. Wait, what did you do?

You'd love my dad. You'd get along so well with him.

We make fun of you?

Yeah.

Your 60, 70-year-old dad making fun of you with his 20-year-old balls? Yeah.

Yeah, so that was— and you know, he was just— so he just apologized. He was like—

But what would he do? Like, dad apologizing for something means he like—

like, okay, like, like, okay, so we were really poor. It's like I got some new pants one day and I was like clumsy, fat fucking kid. Like, I, I was just not good at anything. And so walking— I wasn't good at walking. So I fucking— I go to school with my new pants, they're corduroys, and I'm so excited. And then I, I just fell.

You can tell how long ago this was, huh? They're corduroys.

Well, you don't wear corduroys?

No, not anymore.

Those people don't wear corduroys anymore.

I think they burned them after, like—

No, that's not true. They have them in, like, J.Crew. You buy them every fall in, in the East— on the East Coast, people wear those.

Those haven't been popping since, like, the Civil War.

No, on the East Coast, people wear corduroys.

Oh, Martin Luther King got rid of those.

Okay, so then, uh, and so then I, I ripped my pants.

Okay.

And then, uh, and I was like, oh, I'm so fucked when I go home because these pants are ripped.

And then, because, because it's very special, it's like your family was like Willy Wonka. Like, you know, like when the four grandparents are sleeping on the bed and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory—

You always reference Willy Wonka and I never know it. It's like your one movie you go to.

And then my mom passed away. Oh, like Willy Wonka.

Explain Willy Wonka to me.

There was just, um, his Charlie, the guy who gets the golden ticket.

Yeah.

His grandparents sleep on a bed and there's four of them on this big bed. What does he get the golden ticket to do? The golden ticket is to—

What's the movie about again? It's about a chocolate factory, right? Yeah. And then what happens in it?

He gets the award. The reward at the end is he wins the chocolate factory, and he'd rather stay with his family because family is important.

Okay, got it.

Got a beautiful message.

Okay.

If you were Charlie, you would have definitely taken the factory though. You'd have been like, fuck this, from what it sounds like.

You should have seen how fat I was. I would have taken the chocolate factory for sure.

You'd have taken and destroyed it in one sitting. Okay. So what did your dad do? Sorry.

So yeah, no, then he—

Oh, you had the corduroy pants?

Yeah, I had the ripped pants and he saw him, he picked me up from school, had the ripped pants, and he just fucking like, you know, beat the shit out of me. It was awful.

Shut up. What'd he do?

Fucking beat me up.

Like what, like mentally?

No, physically.

He just took you and started punching you?

No, I think he hit me like once or twice. Oh, but it fucking hurt.

Did he ever abuse you mentally?

Oh yeah, all the time.

What names would he call you?

Fucking, you know, pussy. And yes, like, uh, uh, no, he never— I don't know if he called me pussy, but he He just did it in a way that was like just under his breath kind of shit, and just very like— it was very tense. So it was always about like controlling his emotions. So it was always like, okay, he's home, oh, let's see, let's make nice. Like, like I would always have to act like an adult and be like, oh hey, how was, how was your day, Dad? Oh, and like just be on pins and needles, and you're like, okay, like, is he gonna fucking Is he gonna flip out? Is he gonna flip out?

Like some real stepdad stuff. Like, that sounds like my Friends with Third Stepdad.

I don't know, man. Maybe people had shitty stepdads. This was my real dad. I think a stepdad or a dad could be this way. And so could, you know, a fucking monster. But yeah, so it was just very like that. It was awful.

How is he with your kids?

He's okay. I wish he would do more, you know? He's not great.

Has he called them a pussy yet?

No, no, no. He's mellowed out a lot. He's much more chill now. I like him a lot. I like my dad a lot. He's like a real guy. The thing about him is that if you'd met him, you'd be like, this guy's fucking awesome. Yeah, like he's the kind of guy—

oh, I'd love him.

You'd love him.

From the stories I'm hearing already, people love him.

Oh yeah, no, people love him. Like, he's just— he just wasn't a good dad.

He's actually the writer for all my vlogs. I want you to tape Jason to the wall, put a scorpion—

he's not sadistic like you.

No, no, no, no, he And how was your mom?

Oh, she's the best. Yeah, the greatest.

Met her a couple times.

The greatest woman.

Is that the one you threw in the retirement home?

No.

Oh, that was— that was your other one?

My other mom?

Yes, your mother-in-law.

I did.

You put her in a retirement home?

My ex-wife put her mother in a retirement home. I was well out of the picture.

I used to work at a retirement home.

I know, you told me.

And, um, and did you— did you ever mess with them, or I didn't mess with them, but I mean, I had some—

Was your job waiting, or was it like cleaning the bedpans?

It was waiting.

OK.

So I was a waiter there. And you have a lot of sympathy for— I'm going to tell the story, and people are going to be like, wow, the people that you worked with were dicks. But you have to look at it from their point. Old people can get really frustrating.

Oh, yeah.

Especially if you're serving them constantly. This doesn't justify what my friends would do, but they would— I mean, this was on a constant basis. They would, when someone was eating their fruit salad and the old person was done with it, they would take it up and they would dump it into the next person's fruit salad to save food and save time. Like just constant stuff like reusing food.

No.

Yes. I mean, it was a war zone. And we always knew, like when I first started working there, I was like, what the hell is going on? Like it was brutal. It was just— I just didn't understand it. And actually, my first 2, 3 months I worked there, 3 months in a row, I was the only person that— only waiter that didn't mix up the fruit salad. I was the only waiter that they ever brought— that the old people would ever bring up in their like monthly meetings.

Really?

And like congratulate me. And they— dude, they loved me. They gave me such an ego boost. Every time I would serve their tables, they'd be like, When are you getting out of here, kid? And I'm like, soon, Peter, soon. But it's just so depressing. And my friends would always be like, if you send your family here, you really don't give a crap about them. That's how we always— because it's such an awful place to be.

I've been by it. It looked like a nice place.

Yeah, it's like that. And then you leave, and then your mother is crawling and clawing at the window. Wanting to get out. I mean, retirement homes are nice for one reason, because it's the most sex-filled area you'll ever— like, old people have sex like no other.

I've heard that, but did you see that?

It's constant hooking up. Like, they constantly hook up with people. And the scariest part about working at a retirement home is, um, especially at dinner, the people would always sit at the same spot. And like, every week you come in and there's a spot missing. Because they would die every week. Yeah, every week.

Yeah, my, my, my father-in-law used to go on cruises, and he says they had this thing called the dead mic, which is people just die on cruises and then they chopper them out. At least every cruise someone dies.

Yeah, it's terrifying. And like, and like, there's— there was like some conspiracy theories.

So you would go to work one day and be like, where's Jerry?

Yeah, he's dead. Jerry actually did pass away. That's a really good guess.

Really?

Well, there's a couple Jerrys that passed away. There was the retirement home. Let me give you a good feel about how depressing it is. It was 5 floors.

Yeah.

And at the bottom of the floor was a grand piano. And one day someone from the top floor jumped and landed on the piano and killed themselves. On purpose?

Yeah. Bit suicide, huh? Yeah. What a way to go out.

On a grand piano. How cliché is that?

Oh, I think we talked about this because I made a really off-color joke about it.

What did you say?

He, he played Alicia Keys' Fallen. Oh, you did.

We did talk about this. Anyway, retirement homes.

And I did it again.

Oh yeah, no, just—

oh, that's sad. Yeah, but you're not putting your mother in a retirement home? Fuck no. How—

what is she doing right now?

No, it depends. I mean, it depends. Like, my mother-in-law has, you know, has some health issues. She needs around-the-clock care.

What's wrong? Oh, your mother-in-law. Okay, what about your mother? Does she have health issues?

No, strong as an ox. She's a Jew. How old? Strong Jew. How old is she? Italian Jew. Uh, she's 76, something like that.

She had you when she was 10?

God, I walked into that one. Boom, another zinger. And I gotta get my fucking boxing gloves on.

Where does she live now? Huh?

She lives in Boston.

She lives by herself? Yeah, she's great.

She works, uh, she, she was working at Neiman Marcus. Neiman Marcus, and then she, uh, yeah, she has a little apartment there subsidized by the state.

It's just so scary to me that she just lives by herself.

Yeah, she lives in a town where nothing bad happens.

It's not that, it's what does an old person do? She watches a lot of Wheel of Fortune, huh?

Uh, no, she— well, she's my sister, she has a lot of friends. Oh, so she hangs out? She doesn't watch Wheel of Fortune. She— my mom's more like, um, she likes like what you and I like. Like, she'll watch— she would like watch what you would watch. What, porn? No, she's like really into like comedy and like— Oh, awesome.

Yeah, because she loves the vlogs. She watches yours? Yeah. I thought you said she was into comedy. Boom!

Damn, fuck you. All right, fuck this. All right, I'm— I'm— fuck it. If it's gonna be a show like this, then let's do it. Your fucking hair looks stupid. Dumb, dumb, dumb. And you need a haircut. They're too easy. And it's falling out. How about that? What? There was no— you fucking sent 3 zingers my way, so you want to play, bitch? Let's fucking play. Go.

You never had to bring up the fact that they're falling out. You could say that I need a haircut.

You didn't have to fucking say that my parents are dead.

I never said that.

You say it all the time. I was on the phone with my mother and you're like, don't lie, she's not alive. She heard you.

No, she didn't.

Of course she did.

What'd she say?

She's smart as a fox.

What'd she say?

She goes, ah, that David. You're not going to be happy until you torture my entire family, are you? Would you like to call my sister? Go right ahead. I love—

it ran in my family, I think. Not in my family, just in my entire friend group, making jokes about dead people or about people that were about to die was such a big thing. Really? Constantly.

Like at the old folks home?

It was sickening. It's like, no, no, no, no.

Oh, just in general.

No, like relatives and friends. When they would pass away, it'd be like the 5 of us, we'd just feel like we were sinners. Like when my friend's grandpa passed away, man, I think I talked about this too. It was just like, it was like, it was like we had a new topic to talk about. Like it was just new material, literally. And we felt so bad and he felt bad until he started joining in and he felt better about it. Like it's just like every time someone would pass away, it'd be like open season for jokes. It was so strange.

Yeah, I've done that with— I've done that. It doesn't feel right. I also got older and just like, Then it started to become reality. I was just at— hanging out at my ex-wife's house, and that's just always bad news.

You hang out there a lot. It's kind of like you're trying to hook up with her.

No, I have two children together.

Oh yeah, that's it.

Hey, you did a really nice thing today. I want to compliment you. What did I do? You got on the phone with the kid who had— who almost died today. The bone marrow transplant kid, Josh. By the way, Josh, if you're listening, glad you're alive.

I love how you said that. You first, you started, first you started laughing and you're like, he almost died today. He did.

He did. Now I see why you make jokes, because it is fucking funny.

No, but we got on the phone with him and he was super— he was making—

I, I talked to him first before the surgery, and Scott and Todd were there.

We—

and we were having— he, he was really nice.

You talked to him before the surgery, so he told you he was— there was a chance he was going to die?

Yeah. Wow.

And he's just a guy who watches the vlogs?

Yeah. Okay. And his sister had contacted me and she thinks, going surgery, can you talk to him? And I was like, sure. And Scott and Todd got on the phone with them. They were so nice. And he actually ended up being like a cool guy that you could— I could probably sit and talk to for a while.

And he made it.

And yeah, but I'm editing today and I'm like in, you know, because we— and I'm looking at my watch and I'm like, oh fuck, it's like 7 in Toronto right now.

And I'm like, oh fuck, I'll give him a call.

I'm like, he's— I don't know if he made it. Shit. And then he finally called like pretty late. Well, it was like 5 o'clock when you talk— when you talk to him. Yeah. So then when he called at 5 o'clock, David and I are in separate rooms And I just go, hey, what's up? It was like, you fucking made it, you're alive. He's like, I made it, dude, I'm alive. And I was like, yes, yes, Josh, you fucking did it. He's like, yeah, well, not out of the woods yet.

That's exactly what he told me. And I'm like, congrats. He's like, not yet, man. I'm like, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, but God bless you, Josh, you made it. And then I walked the phone over to David because he hadn't gotten a chance to talk to David because Dave wasn't there. And you talk to him And not only were you nice enough to talk to him, obviously I knew, but you cracked all these jokes and made him laugh in a very tense situation. Like, I think you said something. You said to him, he goes, he's got these big, big headphones on. And David said something like, oh, you made it, huh? Or he's like, you're alive or something. And he goes, yeah, yeah. And he goes, well, it must be those noise-canceling headphones you got on. That must have saved you. Don't take those off. And he laughed. He laughed hard.

I said nothing bad ever happens to people with noise-canceling headphones.

But like, you know, you were like joking about like life or death with him and somehow like he thought it was really funny.

I love those people that are in situations like that that like can find like the comedy in it. It's so, it's so just like, it just puts you like in a good mood and it puts them in a good mood.

Yeah, it puts them in a good mood.

When you could find something to like, that's really dark to joke about, like, that's awesome. Like, my grandma constantly jokes about death.

She's still alive?

Unfortunately, she's—

what's she like?

No, I'm kidding, she's dead. She, um, yeah.

What was she like?

No, she's alive. Which one is it? Um, no, she's great, she's great. But she's constantly make jokes about like, like, I can't wait to like haunt you when I die tomorrow. Like, like jokes like that. Like, like, I'm gonna haunt you in your sleep. I'm never like Like, just like really like off-color jokes. But like, it's just, it's, I don't know, there's something so like, something so depressing about death that like I never really like, I don't know. I don't know if I'm like, I don't know. I've never been close to death, so I don't know like how much I value life. But like the way, the way that like people talk about death is very depressing. Like they make it like this very, it's like this really, if you don't go out in a bad way, like disease, Then like, I just, I don't like, if it's like my grandma dies, like she lived a happy life, everyone treated her well, like, yeah, it's great. Like, it's nothing to be sad about, right?

You kind of look back at it like, yeah, it's a body of work. Like, wasn't so bad.

Especially, especially because she's like making jokes about if she's like fucking like, I need 20 more years, or my life's not, you know, fulfilled, then that's a problem. But like, if she's like making jokes about like, about dying, about just living it up already, like That's fine. I don't know.

Yeah, you're very cavalier about death. You always say that. You're like, oh, I don't care if I die, like when you drive fast.

My biggest fear, other than me being sick, is killing someone else. Holy crap. That's my biggest fear.

You can just kill yourself?

Of course. Really? I wouldn't know how.

How would you do it?

I don't know. I kind of imagine the situation being like it's a car accident. We're both unconscious. And maybe I drift off into this white room. And whoever there is, if there's a God, whoever is up there, he's like, hey, I can bring you back. Or I can just keep you here.

Sounds like a movie.

Keep going. And he's like, but if you go back, you killed this man on his motorcycle. Do you want to go back? And I would just have to say no. Really?

Well, yeah.

I mean, I don't want to go back. That's— it's like, that's nothing you can live with, killing another— taking another person's life.

You're still going to be in heaven thinking about it.

Well, I'm hoping he'd give me an option where I can erase my memory. Oh yeah.

Oh, you didn't say that. I mean, obviously we know when we all go up to heaven and we get a choice about whether we go back or not, that there's that third option to erase your memory.

And like, it's just like, I don't know, that's my biggest fear.

Diesel movie, I think.

The Tooth Fairy. That's The Rock. Um, but yeah, I don't know. That is, that is my biggest fear, taking someone's life. But, um, but yeah, no, death isn't that big of a deal.

So you wouldn't kill yourself though? No, because I would never be able to. I don't know how.

I don't know how. I couldn't drown myself. I couldn't come— no, I can't do that.

I, I was, um, I swallowed some water in the pool the other day, and about— I was in about 3 feet of water, and I was like, oh, that'd be a terrible, horrible way to go.

I think drowning would actually be the, the best way to go. No.

Yeah, I almost drowned once. It was awful.

Because I feel like you go unconscious and then your lungs blow up and you don't, you don't know anything about your lungs blowing up. Because think about all the people, think about all the people that drown, right, but are, but are resuscitated back on shore. Like, do you think it was that painful for them when they— you know what I mean?

Well, it's, it's, it's horrible though. It's a horrible way to go.

Yeah, yeah, but, but like, think about it.

So fearful. Rather than just like having your head decapitated, you're done. Fuck that.

What?

I can't do that. A guillotine?

A guillotine, maybe. But like—

oh no, not like some ISIS shit. Nobody would want that.

Dude, that's— have you seen ISIS beheading videos?

Yeah, I made myself watch it once. It's—

everyone, everyone watches them because it's just true.

I mean, dude, after I watched it, I was sorry I did. It's fucking—

it's, it's just like, I don't know what it is with human nature, but like people just like are amused by disgusting shit like that. Not like in like an entertaining way, like keep going.

Yeah, I wasn't amused, I just, I needed to see it. Yes.

Yeah, well, that's what I mean. Yeah, yeah. And it's— dude, I saw one. I, I, it just— I can't wrap my head around the fact that that's a real video and that's someone's life. Yeah. In another country. Yeah. Blows my mind. What about popcorn?

You like popcorn?

Yes, I love popcorn. I can't get off this topic yet. Hold on. Okay, keep going. I'll power through. It's just—

you can talk about it. Let's just talk about the—

I just—

I got a mental image now, David.

I know, it's so—

can we jump to ZipRecruiter?

No, not yet. ZipRecruiter, you get your chance right after this ISIS bit. Um, it's just, it's just like, like, you know when people say things like, like, like when Black— well, like when Black people talk about like, you have no idea how like how racist people can be, right? Like a white person's like, yeah dude, it's not that bad, or whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah. But like, that's like— I put— I use these ISIS videos as perspective to how other people live, if that makes sense. Because I can't even fathom that life. I don't know if I'm making any sense.

I'm trying to follow. What did you say? Say it again. You are making sense. I was thinking about a Dana Carvey thing that I saw yesterday. My mind was somewhere else. I'm so sorry.

I was thinking about the shrimp salad I just ate.

David finally opens up to me. Thinking about my shoes.

No, no, no, it's like those videos, those videos really make you think like, holy crap, like, yeah, like you're like, we're really, really lucky. Oh, so living like, like so lucky, so lucky to be living far away from that bullshit. Yeah, that's—

I don't know, continue your point though.

That, that's kind of just my point is like it makes you realize like how lucky you are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I can't— I can't imagine if you were just born and born there. What if you were just like born— like, I don't know.

I don't know how to—

like, you had no option but to join ISIS. I also—

I also never—

fucking awful.

I don't— is it— is it as bad as— like, is— is it as bad as we think it is, or is it like just a way of life for the people that live there?

Yeah, it's just all about your perspective and what you know. Like, if you're born with nothing and you're like, okay, this is my only option, and you're— and you're— you're led to believe that doing this is gonna like get you to heaven and make you one with God by calling jihad, then yeah, I mean, it might be their only option.

I'm saying like, you know, like a lot of people say things like if I don't finish a meal, someone will be like, "Kids in Africa would be so happy to have that." But like, are kids in Africa, are they actually depressed? They can't be, right? I've never seen an African, I mean, I've seen African kids be sad a lot, but like, I like— you do, you know what I mean? Yeah, because they don't— it's just like a different, like, life they're living. Yeah, you're just—

yeah, you're just used to different things. It's like you, you want a swimming pool and the kid in Africa wants like an extra piece of chicken, and that's fucking ridiculous, you know?

That's so unfair.

Yeah, well, that's— yeah, it fucking sucks. It sucks.

Yeah, so don't put your parents in retirement homes.

I guess, yeah, I guess not. I guess I'll keep my mom with me. We should move in here.

More of this entire story was stay longer when you go get ice for your parents. The moral of this entire story, um, yeah, don't get sent out for ice.

Did you ever catch your parents having sex? No.

Never? No, never.

Surprising, because I caught them when I was there. I actually did come in one night and they were snuggling on the couch. They weren't having sex, but it was—

I mean, that's like I've walked in on you snuggling your kids.

What are you suggesting, sir?

That's gross. Okay, well, I didn't mean it that way.

You've got to, uh, can you vamp a little bit?

Yeah, you know what vamp means? Yeah, Jason has to look for our new—

I found it.

Okay, I'm done. Guys, our next, our next sponsor, this is a Midway sponsor. Shout out to ZipRecruiter. I don't know how these companies— like on YouTube, you can't get a brand deal if you say like the F word. But here we just got— we just talked about ISIS.

Yeah, David opened the show talking about cumming in the underwear that we're selling.

And these people keep coming back to our spots and keep coming back and paying us, which blows my mind. But ZipRecruiter gave me two intro options. So do you want me to go with A or B? Do them both. Let's see what people like. Are you hiring?

Tweet me, guys, which one of David's— these do you like, A or B?

Are you hiring? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates?

Okay, that's pretty good.

That's intro option A. Or I could have went with this one: Talk about the challenge of finding great talent and/or the importance of finding great talent to successful business.

Okay, well now you've got to do that.

I like A because B's asking—

You're not doing B though. Talk about it.

I know, but B's asking me to go out and kind of add my own thing. Do it. No, I don't want to. Why not? Because I already read A.

Why aren't you having any fun? Have some fun, man. Okay.

Um, it's pretty challenging to find great talent and it is really important.

Like when you find, uh, Dirty Dom.

When I find Dirty Dom and his group of friends. Yeah. But with ZipRecruiter, you can post your job at 100+ job sites with just one click. Then their powerful technology efficiency matches the right people to your job better than anyone else.

That's why ZipRecruiter is different. Unlike other job sites, ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them. In fact, over 80% of jobs posted on ZipRecruiter get a qualified candidate in just 24 hours.

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Find out today why ZipRecruiter has been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results.

And right now, my listeners— our listeners— can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, Free. Okay, I forgot this is the shit that I'm stuck.

I can't believe they did this to you.

Just go to ziprecruiter.com/nash.

That's ziprecruiter.com/nash. One more time, try it for free. Go to ziprecruiter.com/nash.

Oh my, oh my God. Okay, do you know what I'm actually really passionate about?

Um, nuts. Fruits, fruits and nuts mixed together.

No, not fruits and nuts. This is something I've actually never told you. Um, it's— I, I think about this a lot when I'm in school and when I— well, when I used to be in school and I used to go to church, any public gathering really. I would always— boobs? Sorry, no, that's, that's you. Oh yeah, that's just you.

That's what I do at church.

Um, I would always think about what I would do if a shooter walked into the building. It's like my biggest— like, like I would be sitting in class, I mean, this is— I'm telling you, this is what my mind would go off to all— like probably every day.

Every day? Every day.

Because, because I wouldn't think about it in like a scared way. I'd always paint myself like as this huge hero. And I'd always be like, okay, shooter walked in here right now. There's 4 of them in the building. This one guy's gonna come out. I'm gonna hide in the closet, and when he walks by the closet, I'm gonna pop out, grab his gun, and shoot him in the face. And then I'm gonna go around the school, and I'm gonna find the last 4, find the last 3, and I'm gonna kill them.

And then I'm gonna ask Marianne Robisi to go to prom, and she's gonna say yes, and I'll have blood on my hands. And then the principal will be like, you know what, Dobrik, you're not so bad after all.

And it gives me the keys to the city. No, but like, I would always, I would always like pretend I was like this huge superhero, and I'd be like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna fuck it, I'm gonna destroy this guy. Yeah. And I brought this up in my class. Yeah. And like in front of my, in front of all my, uh, all the kids that were in my class, and everyone was like, holy shit, I have the exact same thoughts. And it was so surprising because it's such a weird thing, a weird thing to think, right? It's almost a little narcissistic, like painting yourself as this big hero.

I've, I've had hero fantasies for sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, one time I wanted to sleep with Wonder Woman. Those are your hero fantasies?

That's not what you meant? No, I've had fantasies about, you know, like if someone like tried to like hurt Charlie or something. Your kid? Yeah, go crazy on them.

What would you do?

Uh, you know, just not run. Run, Charlie, run! Grab and run.

No, but when I, when I used to be in— when I used to go to church, it was different because I used to feel like I would have super— I don't know, because it was like a holy place.

So in high school, the fantasies were more realistic. I mean, realistic with air quotes. Church, you had superpowers. Yeah, exactly.

I had superpowers in church. Why?

I don't—

I don't know. I think it was like the whole God— sure, the whole God thing that was going on.

I would touch you in that moment.

Like, I was gonna— like, I don't— I don't know why. I guess it's kind of weird.

Interesting.

I kind of just imagined myself every time an intruder would come in, they'd be like holding the priest hostage. And I just like jump up and I start flying. And everyone's like pointing at me. And they're like, wow, we never knew that kid can do that. And I'm looking down at everybody as I'm floating over to kill this intruder. I'm like, yeah, what's up, guys? And then I grab the intruder and I stab him right in front of everybody. And everybody cheers. You have a God complex.

I think so. Yeah, I think so too. You want everyone to like be praying to you while you save them at the same time. Because that is how you operate a little bit.

No, no, no, that's—

you do want to save everybody. Yeah, you do. You, you have a big hero complex.

But doesn't everybody want to be the hero? I, I mean, no, it's actually—

it's actually— no, yeah, yeah, it's true, but it's actually a nice quality. You do care about people and you want to save everybody, so much so that you put your neck out and you get yourself fucked in the process. But, you know, it'd just be so badass.

Like, I mean, obviously I would never want a school shooter to walk in, but like, every time you bring up the word school shooter in school, does everyone just duck down?

Like, is that— no, no, no, no, no. Did you— in class in front of the teacher, or just like, hey guys, no, it's lunch table?

My school wasn't like the internet, you know. You can bring up whatever you wanted in school, no one's gonna point fingers, right? But if you, you know, if I even— I'll get more shit for saying school shooter on this podcast than I will in my classroom, right? Um, but no, I don't know. I, I, I obviously never wanted a school shooter to walk in the classroom, but I knew if there was ever a time, I would at least think that I'd be ready.

The move that I like in the movies is when they they dive and shoot, they like slide, shoot.

Like the good guys?

Yeah, yeah, like a Keanu Reeves.

Oh, like I take the bad guy's gun?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, I mean, like I'm telling you, I used to think about this every day. So I used to have fantasies, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna kick his left knee, and then he's gonna be down on the ground, I'm gonna stab his eyes out with a pencil with my Ticonderoga number 2. I mean, I used to get really deep, and like, I don't know, I don't know, please let me know, please tweet at me if this is relatable. Or if I'm just a psychopath.

Well, everybody thinks about that, about saving. Like, you know, when I'm in a movie theater, I think about that. If someone came in right now— yeah, what would you do?

What would be your number one go-to?

Yeah, we didn't have—

everybody on the planet's thinking about that, and some guy walks in and everyone just stands up. Everyone's like, this is my time! And you just all look at everybody else trying to be a hero, and you're like, you guys have the same idea too?

Did you think you would really do something? Would you lay your body on the line for your class, for your church?

I'm convinced just from my thoughts that I would, but obviously it's a situation I've never been in and I have no idea.

Did you ever have like a fantasy of like saving your family in the house that an intruder would come in?

Um, no, I never give a fuck about that.

You just wanted— you wanted to be in a public place so you could get more glory?

No, I never— I never— I, I guess you don't really hear too much about like horrifying incidents where people are home intruders because it's just so common that I'm— you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, you're too good for that. Your powers need to go for something special, more rare.

Someone breaks into my house, I'm like, I'm sorry, Mom and Dad, there's gonna be a superhero that's gonna break into church and I need to save the day.

Hopefully Toby's been having the same fantasy. He can take care of this intruder. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, no, I would— I mean, I would definitely— I would definitely try to— I would definitely step in and save my family. 2022.

Yeah, congratulations, David, on your Streamy nomination. Oh, well done.

Oh, thank you. You too, congrats.

Oh boy, I wasn't bringing it up so you would congratulate me.

Guys, uh, Jason got nominated for 2 Streamy Awards, which is an internet award show type of thing. Yep, it's kind of like the Oscars but nothing like that at all. Nope, nope, not at all. No, but for the internet people. You—

we— and it's for— it's for my movie, which, you know, I know you said sucked, which is FML.

Would it get nominated for best comedy? Uh, best feature.

It's amazing.

It is amazing.

Amazing.

I'm so proud of you. I know you worked really hard on the movie. I put—

I tried my best to keep that movie down.

I know you tried your best, Jason, and that's all that matters. And I'm glad you're nominated for something.

Thank you very much, David.

No, go vote for Jason. Go check his stuff out. Go like and subscribe to all of Jason's channels.

Go vote for David. Yeah, David got nominated for Creator of the Year.

Oh, go over for my girlfriend.

If I win I've already got my speech planned. Yeah, I've been riding around my car doing my speech, if I'm being completely honest. Are you serious? Yeah, and you're in there. Really? Oh yeah.

Are you gonna start crying? I could.

I might.

I hope the music— I hope the music turns on the second you go up on stage accepting the award. Jason Nash!

I've never won anything in my life. Really? If I win this, oh my God, it'll be fucking apeshit. I'll go apeshit.

How proud are your kids gonna be?

Oh my God, but I told them I was nominated, they were like off the wall. Really? They were so excited. They're like, Daddy, Daddy, what were you nominated for?

You're like, FML. They're like, no fucking way.

That movie, that piece of shit.

All right guys, I mean, that's all the time we have for today. Make sure you guys like and subscribe, tweet us, tell us what—

my man David Dobrik, I gotta thank you. This wouldn't have been possible without you. I want to thank Dirty Dom, the Dirty Gang. I want to thank Zane Heath.

Okay, I'm just gonna— we're gonna, we're gonna end the podcast right there. Please make sure to tweet us if you have any complaints. And if you have serious complaints, don't tweet us because we don't want to see them, because then we'll get really scared and we won't do any more podcasts.

Buy some of David's merch.

Buy some of our merch.

Trying to build a pool here, guys.

Yeah, please help me pay for my pool because you guys haven't already enough.

That he's not gonna swim in. That I'm not gonna swim in.

All right, goodbye guys, have a good day.

Bye.