Taking Nudes In David's Living Room

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where I'm stuck in a contract with Jason and I have no choice to record these once a fucking week.

Goddamn it, man.

I checked.

A lot of people like me on the show. I swear.

I checked, guys. I see your tweets. And yes, there is no way of getting out of it anytime soon.

How long is the contract?

14 years.

Oh, that's great.

All right, roll intro music. Hey, guys. This morning we had to call Jason because he accidentally uploaded—

just open up with this.

Wow.

I thought you were going to do the solid here. Just let this pass.

I see you're opening up the podcast with it because he accidentally uploaded a fucking nude on Instagram stories.

Okay, that's dramatic.

Okay. It wasn't— it wasn't a nude nude, but it was him shirtless and him, like, pulling his pants.

I wasn't pulling my pants down. My belly is big and the pants were falling down.

Oh, so you're holding them up?

Yeah, I was holding them up last night. Ah, fuck it, it was the worst day. It ruined my whole day.

So he posted this picture.

I was having the best day.

He posted this picture and it's like him holding his pants at like a weird, like, you know when like a super hot guy, like, it looked like when a super hot guy would pull his pants down a little bit so you could see the V, like the V that's created by his abs.

Except there's no V, it's just like a big spare tire.

Yeah, except there's no V. But yeah, and I knew Jason didn't mean to upload it because the caption was exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point parentheses 7. Like, that's what it was. So you could tell that, You could tell that he butt-uploaded it. So we fucking called him frantically like, bro, like, is it like if your kid saw it, I'd be like, well, that's not like the best.

But what I was doing was, last night I got out of the shower and I've been working out a lot and I'm like, nothing is happening. Like the set, like the belly is still there.

You were just taking a progress picture.

I went into the, just to see like how my, yeah, a progress picture just to see if the, how fat the belly was.

And I'm like, and I told, first of all, I called Jason and he like freaks out. Dude, whenever I call Jason, he—

Because you don't, it's the only time you call me.

Is when I did something wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I called him, he's already fucking freaking out. I tell him, I go, what the fuck did you just post on your stories? And in literally 10 seconds, all of his stories from the day are deleted. Like he doesn't even check to, he deletes all of them and then he goes, what was it? Cause he didn't even want to look. He didn't even want to look to see what the story was. So he pulled all of them down, like all his like fucking like swipe up to see my YouTube video. Like all the stories were gone. And then, and then I go, Jay, there was like a fucking picture of you that looked like you were being like, you know, looked like maybe a private picture. And he's like, oh yeah, I took that one last night. And I was like, there's no way he took it last night. The picture was taken during the day. So I was confused at when he took it.

I like took it, like I went into the shower like later in the day. It was still light.

Right.

I did take it last night.

But I screenshotted the picture and I showed it to Jay and I'm like, Jay, this was the picture. And he goes, oh yeah, I didn't mean to upload that. And like, it was such a weird reaction. Like Natalie and I were saying, like, like, that's so— like, obviously you didn't mean to upload that, but what a weird reaction.

I wanted to make sure because, you know, the other thing is I was out in the sun. Do you have this problem when you're in blazing sun shooting something, you can't see your phone that well?

Yes.

So I'm out with Jonah. I was doing Jonah a solid. I was not supposed to be out there today, but I didn't want to let him down. And so fucking— I'm out in the sun, Ella's like all caps, fucking check your story. And I was like, oh no, I've done it again. I fucked the whole group up again. And then I was just like I just went in there and I saw the selfie and I was like, delete, delete. And then there's a thing about like Nerf. That's what happened. I went there and Jonah and I were like joking around and Nerf was in the front seat, so we did some Instagram stories that Nerf was an Uber driver driving Jonah.

Nerf the dog?

Yeah, Nerf the dog, Jeff's dog. And I thought they were really funny and somehow the nudie, the half nude went up. I don't know how I did it. I really don't.

But my favorite, the part that's the strangest is your reaction wasn't, oh my God, that's so embarrassing. Your reaction was, oh. I didn't mean to upload that. As if like that made it okay.

No, I said I'm so sorry, I fucked up.

No, but Nat, how do you explain it?

You were there too?

Yeah, we were all listening, of course.

You know what? You don't do anything alone. You do everything by committee with these 5 people around you going, just fucking approving what you say every time. Jason's a fucking idiot.

Just Natalie in the back, yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree, he's a fucking idiot.

Well, it's her favorite topic, so it's really not a stretch for her. It's literally her favorite. I saw her today when I came over to do Todd's thing, and she was like, turn your phone off. And I was like, oh. Which I didn't know.

First of all, I had to teach him how to— this is the problem, is that he leaves his phone on, he puts it in his pocket, and all these— he butt dials, he butt stories.

Yeah, bro, he butt dialed. I heard you butt dialed 4 people yesterday from Joe. It's fucking crazy, cuz butt dialing— Joe gets dead. Jay, butt dialing on an iPhone should not be a fucking thing. There's no buttons. What are you dialing? There is no dial.

My butt's lonely, I guess.

There's no fucking— like, what, what heat sensors do you have on your ass that are pressing all these calls?

You guys don't have this problem? Because every time you're done with the iPhone, you click the thing and you're done.

You turn it off. Yeah, you turn off the iPhone.

No one ever taught me that.

You just put it in your pocket.

I literally had to— I taught him what the power off button was today. He was like, so you just press this and it goes dark?

And I was like, yeah, you're fucking really interesting.

Took a minute with me and maybe taught me a few things.

But that shit, you know, I'd be here for fucking 3 weeks teaching you just how to— and that's not start a car.

That's not true. I was very apologetic.

Whatever. It wasn't a nude. It wasn't. But, but the thing is The thing is, it could have been horrible, right? Like, it could have been a nude.

I don't have anything on my phone that's horrible, right?

I know, but it could have been a nude.

I don't take nudes.

Yeah, right.

I don't. Why would I take— I don't have anyone to send them to.

Right, right.

Come on.

My bad. Do you take nudes? Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

To send to people?

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

Why?

Fuck you.

That's not—

No, I don't. I was like, no, he had his fun. That could have been so much more fun. No, he had his fun. That was—

Yeah, I had fun. I don't want to lie to you. I took nudes when I was like 16, 17. Yesterday I was streaming and someone commented, they're like, dude, your nudes are all over Twitter. I'm like, cool, because like, I'm like, if they are, I was fucking 17 and someone's going to jail. But yeah, no, I definitely took that when I was younger. But no, I haven't done that. I haven't done that. Do you take nudes?

No.

Now, how many nudes have you sent in your life? One. Oh, to Todd?

No.

Oh, and what do you mean by nude? Like, was it like full nude or was it just like your boobs?

Just my boobs.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So that's nice. That's like, it's like, it's like an OnlyFans nude.

I heard it really funny.

How many nudes have you sent?

Like, most of the same person, though.

But Taylor, and what did you think when you received those nudes?

I posted twice in two separate occasions to my story by accident.

The nudes?

Correct.

What?

That's exactly why I don't take them, because I'm just scared that it'll end up somewhere and like, the person sees me nude and I've never been in like a long distance thing where I need this. Well, I was in a long distance So I sent one nude and then I was like, I don't really want to do that again.

And did he have to, like, talk you into it or did you just do it?

No, no, I did it. You were gone. I took a nude on our pool table.

No, you didn't.

Like, the first weekend you were gone.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, all sexy. Like, you took that.

Would be hard for me.

Like, what do you mean?

As your boyfriend.

And Ella are both biting their nails right now.

Like, what the fuck is this?

Wait, you took a nude on the pool table? Yeah. You've really opened up on this podcast the last two episodes from, from fucking yourself with Todd's dildo to the nude.

I never said that.

No, I know. Hold on. Time out. You took a nude on the pool table?

Yeah.

Okay. As a guy, as a guy, like, if I'm about to receive, like, an intimate picture from a girl, if she takes it in the middle of her boss's living room, I would not be turned on by that.

First of all, it wasn't my boss's living room. I mean, it is my boss, but he knows the situation. I didn't send him that one. I took others throughout the house.

Who took the one on the pool table?

My friend.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Fucking paint the picture for me.

Now, what the fuck?

What do you fucking mean? The pool table right here in the middle. What?

I said I stand.

What do you mean you stand? Like you also took one on the pool table?

What friend? Zane?

No, my friend. Just one of my girlfriends. And I first met him.

Okay, so.

Okay, so, so she was the one that she was like, you got to do this. Like, he needs this. Like my boyfriend.

Oh, because. Okay. Because you didn't— you guys didn't see each other for a while.

Because it had been like 2 months. Yeah.

Okay. And which one did you end up sending him? Not the pool table one, though. Where was it? Like, just in the bathroom? In the kitchen? Now, are you fucking serious?

I wasn't like fucking spread eagle on the fridge. Like, it wasn't like disgusting.

Were you spread eagle on the pool table?

No.

What the fuck? I can't imagine taking a nude on the pool table and your boobs are just hanging. Your boobs are just—

my boobs aren't that big. They're not fucking flopping around.

Yeah, but your boobs are just out. Did you pick up any of the, like, the balls?

I made sure to rub my tits on every pool ball.

Did you? Yeah, but did you hold up— did you, did you hold up the pool ball to your nipple? Like, did you take the 8-ball?

I took a video. I rubbed the pool ball on my nipple, then I licked it, and then I rubbed it on my—

wait, just kidding.

And then I pissed all over your bed. Okay, did you take— did you take any on my bed?

This is so bad.

I forgot about this.

Uh, no, no, no, no.

Wow, that's crazy. And okay, okay, so where is it?

Looking back at like them, like I have like the Rolodex of the photos going through my head and they're like so cringy.

Were you laughing as you were taking it?

100%.

Like, oh, okay. It wasn't like I'm being sexy.

No, I mean, I was definitely trying to be sexy, but I'm not like, I'm not like an overly sexual person.

Yeah, you're not like, wow, like you're actually going to send. Okay.

Yeah, it's funny.

What did he say?

He didn't get—

he was— he was—

oh yeah, yeah. What did he— this was your— for the first nude you sent him?

Yeah, this is the first and only nude I sent him.

Oh, wow. Well, yeah. What was his reaction?

He was very taken aback. He was like at work or something.

Like, whoa, that's weird.

Oh, not cool. I'm at work, Natalie.

And that also might be why I never sent another one, because it was just kind of like an awkward thing.

An underwhelming reaction. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough to read. Like, it's hard to react to a nude, right?

Good way.

Well, you have to go, damn, that's hot. Ella, how do people react to your thousands of nudes that you've been sending?

She's European. It's more accepted over there.

I mean, I Yeah, I feel like it's pretty normal. I mean, I don't know. I think it's weird that none of you guys have taken nudes. Don't you have like a secret folder on your phone?

You have a secret folder where you just have a bunch of nudes?

Yes. Well, when Ella sends them, I just— I reply with like the fire emoji.

But yeah, it's kind of like you want someone to be like, oh damn, like, I wish I was there. Like, come, like, come see me, or I love it, or new screensaver.

Oh, you got some crazy friends. But what kind of— what kind of like nude is it? Is it like— like, is it just boobs or is it like everything? And do you get creative? Like, do you use pool tables and kitchens?

Creative. I once had my friend take ones of me. Like, oh, what the fuck? Yeah, it's pretty legit.

I feel like that takes away—

in a car, you should have—

it'll take so many with red interior. I feel like that takes away the magic of like the intimacy of it.

Well, those were like, yeah, like they were like professional ones, but I never— I like sent a couple. But the better ones are the ones you like take in the mirror, like Something like that.

Is it right? I sent you a nude.

Yeah.

And you asked for it or.

No. Guys, nudes aren't never nice to really receive.

I'll show you one of mine if you show me one of yours.

What? Wow.

Wow.

Oh my God.

What?

I said I have 236 and they're all photos than I have in my old camera roll.

You have 236 nudes of yourself?

Oh my God, dude.

No, some of them are of other people.

Oh, you're quite organized, Ella.

They're honestly all from college, but it's like, you know, it's— you take a couple of the same ones and like the mirror, you know? So I put all of them in here.

No, Ella, you're trying to freak me out.

I'm sorry.

You know what's really funny is when I hear, um, rumors about you from other people.

What did you hear?

I heard a really funny rumor. Someone was asking me about you vlogging.

Yeah.

And they go, um, they go, so, so what's the deal? He's got, um He's got the hour coming like that. And I go, what do you mean? And he goes, well, that's what everyone says, is that he has this hour vlog.

Oh my God, that's—

that he's been working on, and he's just taken all the stuff he shot in quarantine and he's coming out with this 1-hour vlog.

Oh, that's so funny.

Isn't that funny? I fucking died.

And what did you say?

I was like, an hour? Maybe of him streaming, maybe playing COD.

Yeah, no, there's absolutely nothing. If I was to put together what I shot during quarantine, I'd probably have a minute. 1 minute, 20 seconds of the last 8 months. A lot less fun things happen when you're not like seeking them out. Like, it's not like, you know, it's not like a tiger just walks in here by himself and he's like, hey, hey, you can— can I vlog with you? You got to get that fucking shit here.

Not vlogging today, man.

I heard another rumor about myself the other day that I told Natalie about this one because it pissed me off. Some girl fucking made a TikTok saying that she used to work at a restaurant and I didn't tip her. And on the tip— and now we were really loud, which is totally true, we were definitely loud at restaurants, but we always tip. That's like, right? Like, I mean, that's like the biggest thing out of— yeah, like 100% tip no matter what. I tip at fucking Chick-fil-A. Like, I tip wherever I'm at. And she said instead of tipping where the credit card is, I wrote my name and a smiley face, or like something like hello and like a smiley face. Like, I was like, look at me, I'm David. Yeah. Oh, I signed— I signed it with a smiley face. I don't— I don't know what I did. Like, and it fucking ticked me off so much. One, because because I haven't had a credit card in fucking maybe 3, 4 years. Like, I don't like use credit cards. I just have my friends pay for shit and I Venmo them. So I'm never even like left with the bill. If I'm— if I am tipping, I'm only tipping in cash, um, and I'm only paying in cash. Um, and it's just fucking— dude, it pissed me off so much. And you can't respond to it because it just like fuels the person to like make more lies about you. I fucking hate it.

You just did, huh? And then you just did respond.

I know, but I didn't like call her out by name or whoever it was. And also she said I was at dinner for 3 hours.

No, never.

No.

Oh God, we can't get you in there for 20 minutes.

No, I've never been at a dinner.

You order the food, Jay, order the food.

I'm on my way. I want the steak. Part of that story was a lie. And I actually met— and I, and I like— this happened like a while ago that this TikTok was made. And then, uh, like, um, recently, like a week ago, I met somebody and I was like, what's the worst thing you've ever heard about me? And this person was like, that you left a restaurant and you left it really messy. And instead of giving them a tip, you just signed your name like you were some hotshot. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? That pissed me off so much. That pissed me off so much.

People are liars.

Taylor has like a backpack that she takes when I go on runs.

Yeah.

And like, in the backpack is like, change of clothes, waters, all these kinds of things. And it's like a big backpack. And we pulled up to the house and I got— I got out of the car and just started walking straight towards the door, like in fucking seconds. Like, I got right out of the car and I left. And then I look back at Taylor and she just gave me the fucking dirtiest look. Like the dirtiest look as she's trying to pull the backpack out of the back of the car. And I go, oh, I'm sorry. And I turn around to like go help her and she's like, no, no, you weren't supposed to see that dirty look.

No, he comes back and he goes, wait, why are you looking at me like that? And I was like, oh, and I like completely changed my face and then I was like, never mind, never mind. And then he's like, he like walked back to the car, he's like, is everything okay? Like, you know, like trying to check out the situation, like see if I'm okay.

I'm like, like, why?

I'm the dirtiest look. It was like, it was, it was like when you like hold like your middle finger up when they're not looking at you. Like, it was like the exact same thing.

And I just watched him because he got out so fast. He didn't even like take the key. Like, he literally just— and he didn't like look at anything but like walk inside.

I hopped out in like seconds.

Like, he just closes the door, like barely closes it. And I was just sitting there.

I thought she was mad at how like hard I closed my door. I was like, what the fuck are you mad at that for? But she was there stuck with the backpack. And then today she was getting my backpack out of the car and I'd like turn around to like go help her. And she's like, no, no, you weren't supposed to see that yesterday.

I was like, you do pay me to do this. So I was supposed to see me make that face.

It was so funny.

Why are you mad at him?

Well, it was just he always gets out of the car so fast and like then especially when we're coming back like from his like runs, I have towels, I have all the sweaty clothes that I have to pick up.

I think it was like in the moment Like, it was like, you are flipping— she made that, she made that face completely on accident.

I had no idea, but I just happened to turn around.

It was totally on accident, 100% in the moment. She wasn't actually feeling it.

Well, no, she was definitely feeling it.

She wasn't 100%, she wasn't totally sick of 4 years.

I ever made that face before.

Thank you, guys.

As soon as you walk out the door, we're all smiling.

Should you be fucking taking 18,000 nudes of yourself right now?

Do you guys remember when, like, when David leaves and we're all still here and we all go like, oh no, yes!

Biggest sigh of relief. Everyone takes a seat.

Is he gone? Is he gone? I don't do that.

That's a good friend.

Uh, Ilya does this weird thing when—

I know what you're about to say, but go ahead.

When we go to boxing, he sweats a lot.

Like, a lot.

Like, when he takes his t-shirt off, he like wrings it out, and there's literally like— it looks like he's put in the washing machine and fucking water comes down. And every time he finishes, he goes Bro, I'm so wet. I'm so fucking wet. And he says it in the most disgusting way. And he literally says it every single time and he'll continue to say it. He'll get in the car and he'll be like, yo, I'm so wet. Like, I just feel so wet.

I get it though.

Stop saying that.

I get it. There's something about being like that sweaty where you're just like, you just have to explain it.

It's just the way he says wet is just disgusting. Like, it doesn't make me think—

I am soaked. I'm like soaked. I'm so wet. Like, I'm so wet. No, Dave, you don't understand that.

I know, bro. I know. Because like when I would leave workouts, I would turn the heat up in my car when I would leave. So I would, I would like start melting. I'd melt in the sauna.

What you used to say again? You used to.

Sorry, we couldn't get the mic on Taylor's mouth, bro. You know what I found out about Taylor? She's a really good— she'd be a really good voice actress. Do your thing. Do your—

oh, oh gosh.

She's—

I mean, obviously she has a really high voice, but she plays like a really good, like, little kid. Go like, do your—

okay, this is from Lilo and Stitch. Here he goes. Do you even know what tuna is? It's fish. If I gave Pudge tuna, it'd be an abomination.

Isn't that fucking crazy? Wow.

That's pretty good. Really good.

Anybody? Anybody looking to hire a 3-year-old?

Wait, was that all you're going to say about you being wet?

Yeah.

Yes.

Okay.

I'm not adding to that.

He's—

he's—

I'm not telling the second part of the story.

What's the second part?

No, it's not funny. He kept on going, he's wet.

And I mean, no, no, it's not funny.

What is it?

It's just weird.

It's just weird.

Oh, okay.

Well, now it's really weird.

No, you should tell it now. I mean, now it's like—

No, I can't. I mean, I just kept on saying, oh yeah.

Oh, I was like, I was like, are you wet?

Oh, and she's like, yeah, that is weird.

She's like, yeah. I'm like, you want to get out of here?

A. Earlier today, I fucking caught him jerking off to a picture of me in his office.

What?

Yeah, I swear to God.

Really? I was doing something. I was printing off a picture of David for something that I need.

No, he was all fucking sweaty, all wet, shirtless.

I just got back from a run.

Fuck. And he had— and I walked into his office and I didn't knock, but I walked in. I walked in and he had a picture on his phone just of me. My face was my profile picture. I was like, dude, are you fucking whacking off to me? And he goes, and he goes, Instead of saying no, he goes, get the— get out, get out of the room. He goes, get out, lock the door, knock next time.

I reacted.

Yeah, exactly. It was like a reaction. Like I actually caught him jerking off.

I fucking masturbate to you.

Why were you printing a picture of me?

I can't tell you.

Okay. Because you were jerking off there. Yes. Ella, you're new here. Would you like to feel how sweaty my hands get?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, you never felt that before?

What the fuck is that?

Isn't that crazy?

It looks like you have Vaseline all over your hand.

It's fucking insane. Yeah.

Yours aren't as bad as his.

Is it only when you hold the mic?

It's when I hold the mic.

That is actually so weird.

Have you held it? Have you?

Yeah, but like, no, it's fucking— I've held it.

It's— he's wet.

Like, he's wet.

He's wet.

His catchphrase.

He's very wet.

Yeah.

Another funny rumor I saw is when Taylor first started working here, I got like 6 tweets saying that she belonged to a cult church. And people— people, do you remember this, Shay? I think I called Jason. I was like, dude, I think there's part of a cult. I think she's trying to infiltrate us. I think she's trying to fucking kill us. And there was pictures of her, like, being baptized and, like, like, really bad pictures too. Like, low quality pictures that look like they were taken by, like, an FBI agent standing outside of the church.

Like, literally the only photos that you could, like, find of me at the time was like these baptism photos where my mom made me.

It was like her with this devilish grin, like being baptized in like a big— not like a little— like not like when the priest pours water on you, but like in this like cave-like thing.

Oh my God, it was literally like a little pool outside. You're being really dramatic.

I know, but people, people said you were part of a cult, which I don't know, you cleared up.

Yes, it's a large church that in Orange County that multiple people of my like the people that I went to school with go to.

But is it a little culty? I mean, does it get a bad rap? No.

The pastor's son just passed away and then it got a bad— I don't even know. I don't keep up with this. But I mean, I guess maybe. But a lot of people go there.

Did they brainwash you?

Yes. That's why I work here.

That's why she meows.

Yeah, that is why she meows. Yeah.

Yeah.

The meowing.

The cult.

The meowing thing is weird. Yeah. Is it just a bunch of cats that go to that church?

I guess.

I don't know.

Maybe I just hung out with the cats in the back.

Natalie, do you remember that? Do you remember what the thing—

I do remember. I remember I saw it. I think I got tagged in it and then they brought it to you and I was like, oh my God, David, what is this?

Yeah, Natalie brought it to me and when she shows me it, I go, I know, I know. I was like, it was very dramatic. And I was like, do I confront her about this? Like, is this like a secret thing?

Like, yeah, I felt, I felt guilty all day and wanted to cry all day.

Wait, did I confront you about it?

I came up to you.

Oh yeah, you did. Yeah.

First.

Yeah.

Jason first.

What did you say to Jason?

I said, Jay, what do I do about this? And he was like, it's going to be okay, Taylor. People are just really mean. And then he goes, but yeah, let's talk to David. I go, can you help me tell him? And then, and then I like went to tell you, go tell you. And I sit down and go, I have to tell you something. And you go, I know.

It's funny.

Clearly there's no background checks for these jobs.

Obviously not. We fucking didn't know about your fucking pornography that you were up to. Obviously we don't do our research here.

Oh, I have some good news. I was on a dating app and I didn't know what to write back on Sunday, and Ella wrote the perfect thing back. And then I, uh, the girl wrote back, and then we're supposed to go on a date.

What did she write back?

Uh, just, she wrote back like, hey, what's up? It was like the perfect thing. What did Ella write back? Yeah, um, it was something like, hey, how's it going? Or something like that.

Magic.

But it worked. And we were supposed to have a date tonight.

Read the text.

We were supposed to. Keyword word.

She canceled this morning.

Oh, she canceled?

Yeah. She's having an operation tomorrow.

So why is everybody you talk to having some sort of operation? I feel like everyone you tell us about is, like, in the hospital. No, but this is seriously— is this the second girl to send you— because you had another girl you were going on a date with and she sent you a picture from the hospital and canceled?

Yeah, it was. It was just a girl that I was going to go on a date with. She doesn't live in LA. She was gonna come drive here and go out on a date or whatever. And then she was really excited. She was like, this Saturday, I'm so excited to meet you. And I was like, I'm so excited to meet you too. And I was like really looking forward to it because it's very rare that anyone wants to go on a date with me. And then she got like hit by a truck.

That's ridiculous. Yeah, she sent him a picture from the hospital. She's like, I'm gonna have to cancel this weekend.

That is the most elaborate excuse to not go on a date.

I have— that's what we thought. And I was just kidding when I said that the first time, but like now another girl's being operated on, right? Like, how is everybody texting you around the same time as their hospital visits?

Do you meet them at the hospital?

I mean, I could look— no, I don't.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm bad luck. Like, maybe—

oh yeah, no, that's a curse. Every girl that's dumb enough to talk to you gets hit by a bus.

I'm just curious as to like why she planned to have dinner with you and she was going to get hit by a bus that she was going to know this girl.

So She's getting operated on, but, but no, she said, she said we can go out this week, but I have to be operated on, or we can do it next week. And I said, because I've been down this road, I'm like, oh, let's do it after the operation, no problem. And then she was like, no, no, no.

You're like, you're like, is it an NPR or an AH6? You're like, you know all the operations because you've just been texting so many girls. Okay, so, so, okay, but did she know that there was an operation coming is what Taylor's saying?

Yeah, she knew.

Oh, okay.

She knew she'd be operated on today, and I, I said, I was like, no, no, don't do it before, like— and then she ended up canceling. She's like, you know what, I don't want to, I can't eat anything the night before, right? And I was like—

but then the other girl instead— no, that just happened on the day that you're supposed to go to—

she just got hit by a truck.

She just got hit by a truck.

Yeah.

What was she— was she on foot?

You know what, honestly, I don't remember. Maybe she was in a car accident, or— she's fine now.

Oh my God, she sent a picture in the hospital bed.

I remember seeing, and it looked like one of those fake ones too, right? She was like covered in casts.

It looked like she like rented set for the day.

100%. Like, I think we've shot there before. Whatever, whatever gets you out of a date with Jason.

Hey, look, you could have just said you didn't want to go. You didn't have to hire a crew. You guys didn't answer my group text the other day. I really wanted to watch this movie for the podcast called My Octopus Teacher, and no one, no one wrote back, and it really hurt my feelings.

What is it about? Also, stop calling me.

I haven't seen the movie yet. I don't know what happens in the fucking movie.

Oh, why the fuck are we gonna fucking watch it then?

Because I hear it's great. Because I hear it's like a guy who, like, the octopus, like knows him.

Oh, that's pretty sick.

The octopus, like, follows.

All right, let's put it on. The next part you'll hear is us reviewing the octopus friend show.

My octopus teacher. Okay, put on 10 minutes, and then if it's really bad, you can make fun of me.

Guys, we're watching the trailer. This dude literally visits this octopus in the ocean every day. I just can't believe it's an hour and 25 minutes.

I was going to say, like, it seems like it's the same storyline over and over.

Yeah. Like, what could it be?

Like, does he marry it?

He goes through divorce. Yeah. He has an octopus baby.

Yeah.

I guess you're right. I guess there's— this is a whole different—

it's crazy that, like, it's an octopus.

You mean, like, if any animal, like, why not like a lion?

Yeah, I could see a lion, right?

I could see— I could see me being in love with a lion. But octopus is— and in the trailer he goes, octopuses are very strange, but when you get closer to them, you realize how we're so alike.

Yeah.

And like, then it's like a shot of him swimming, swimming next to the octopus, and they obviously look nothing alike because one's a human and the other is a squid. So, so, yeah.

Curious how they're alike.

Yeah. I mean, they both have eyes, but one has fucking 8 tentacles, so they're pretty different. But yeah, I mean, it does look good. I don't want to shit on it because it actually genuinely looks—

I heard it's really good.

Did somebody recommend this to you? How did you find it?

Honestly, I saw a TikTok on it. Oh yeah.

She's like, honestly, I actually was seeing the same octopus about 4 years ago, and she posted on Instagram that she's with somebody else. And I had to check out what was going on.

It's a whole subreddit.

It's fucking— there's a shot, there's a shot in this documentary, it's like, and then when I was down there, I saw another man, and it's just fucking Jason swimming away abruptly. The other man was also fucking the same octopus.

I decided to confront my octopus friend to find out which man she loved.

It's The Bachelor but with an octopus. It's two guys It's you. Will you accept this coral? And knowing Netflix, you know, like 45 minutes into this documentary, it gets like fucking insane.

It turns out the octopus that I was visiting every day was a Nazi. He had been tried for German war crimes 50 years ago.

He took me into his lair. Lots of propaganda. Not a fan anymore.

Is it possible for a man to change or for an octopus to change? No one really knows.

60 minutes in, the octopus is being interviewed. You're just like, are you fucking serious? The octopus is like, yeah, I mean, honestly, I was just swimming, and then this dude tried putting his penis inside me. Oh my God.

Red Lobster's launching a drink that literally no one asked for, a Mountain Dew margarita.

What are you, Seth Meyers reading the news?

No, Seth Meyers would have a joke. Teamed up. They teamed up with— dubbed it the Doogerita. The chain says it pairs perfectly with cheddar biscuits. Doesn't sound that bad.

So, guys, some time's passed since we made fun of Octopus Teacher. I actually watched it. You did? Did you watch it?

I watched it last night.

Okay. What'd you think?

I mean, it's— it's— it's really good.

First of all, I want to apologize.

Why?

Because I feel like— like, as I was watching it, the dude was so sweet and like how he fell in love with his octopus. And we're making jokes about how he's like fucking the tentacles and stuff. Stuff. Like, I, I, I felt bad because I was like, I was like, this is somebody's father. Me too. Yeah, I was like, this is somebody's father. Like, this guy obviously has like this beautiful appreciation for this creature. I should not be like fucking— I mean, obviously they were just jokes and like I'm happy I said them, but like, I hope he doesn't hear it. That's all. That's all. Like, I just, I respect him and I think it's really cool.

He was going through something too. At the beginning of the movie, you see that he's like, you know, I kind of lost my way and, you know, I had problems raising a son.

And so, yeah, so he found this octopus, and the craziest part is he lost the octopus for like a week.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah, he lost it. And then he's like, and then he's like, I had to learn what different tracks were like. So he's like, I learned what fishes' tracks were like, I learned what eels' tracks were like, jellyfish, fucking flounders. I was like, I was like, what the fuck? And then he found it in a week after every day he searched for it. And then in a week he found it. Yeah, he found— and like, not to mention, octopuses can fucking camouflage like no other. So like that octopus looks like a rock at some times.

Yes.

Could you look? It could look like a rock. It could look like a leaf.

It can take shells on all its tentacles and cover itself with shells and you can't see it.

Yeah, it would. It literally would just get shielded up by— yeah, I don't know. So I commend the guy for like fucking with this octopus for so long. That was nice.

What did you think when the octopus lost its arm?

Oh my God. That's why I turned it off. No, honestly, that was the last— that was the last second I saw. So yeah, so like a shark attack the octopus.

And he's really torn too, because he's like, he wants to protect the shark. Yeah, I realize I cannot interfere.

He wants to protect the octopus. Yeah, he wants to protect the octopus. And he's like, I was going to scare the shark away, and then I realized I cannot get in the way of nature. And, and you're thinking, wow, man, this is a serious fucking— at this point, this is what I'm thinking, man, I'm really fucking regretting all those jokes. This man is seriously faced with a decision. And he just fucking lets the shark eat the octopus.

Yeah.

Which I don't think is that— like, I think he should have fucking scared the shark away.

You think so?

Yeah, bro. Like, you fucking— you made a friend. Like, don't worry, you're not going to fuck up all of Oceania with this, with keeping this octopus safe.

Yeah.

Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I don't think it was going to fuck with anything.

Yeah, that's kind of interesting.

It's kind of weird to be like, you deserve to die. Like, sorry, I can't help you even though I visit you every fucking day for the last 35 days.

Yeah. And then I kept thinking the octopus who who had like shook his hand before and was friends with him, when he saw him later, must have been like, yo, why didn't you fucking clear that shark out?

Yeah, yeah. You know, you were there and you were filming. I would have lost trust as the octopus.

Me too.

Yeah, I would have been like, but then his arm grew back. Yeah, I mean, that's octopuses for you.

I know.

So maybe he, maybe he wasn't pissed.

Well, I'm glad you watched it. It was pretty cool. What are your runs like now? Run a lot, huh? How are those?

My dad talking to me.

So you go out and run now? How is this good exercise? Oh, I heard you got a resume here, huh?

Yeah, this guy sent us a big resume, and the resume is like from my floor to my—

it's always something when I come over here. I don't come over here as much, but every time I walk in here, the stuff, the amount of shit that you guys get sent, it's unreal.

Yeah, it's all Natalie too though. Like, okay, like 80% of it's Natalie getting stuff from brands, which is fucking crazy.

Crazy.

And I'm not— I don't want to say I'm I'm jealous, but I've been doing this way longer than she has and fucking no one sends me shit like, like they send Natalie.

Really?

Natalie gets— Natalie gets a new sweatshirt. Natalie gets like 5 to 6 new sweatshirts a day. Wow. A day. Like, it's crazy. It's so fucking insane. And it's like really nice shit. Like, it's like, yeah, either for people who are just starting companies. So it's nice because they're putting a lot of work into it or it's from really established companies that are fucking sending her the nicest shit, and it's all fucking free. And it's just boxes. If Natalie's not here for 3 hours, there's— or if no one's at the house for 3 hours, they stack up in front of, in front of the front door. Like, 4 boxes will just be sitting there.

Jesus. And then today you got a resume that's as big as the pool table.

Yeah, today this guy sent a resume. It's fucking ginormous. I honestly didn't even— I said, I was like, I don't care what the resume says, I think it's a cool idea, right? Like, we should at least talk to the guy. Like, I don't care I don't—

you don't even read the resume.

I never care to read anybody's fucking resume. I think those are the boringest things in the world. I just want somebody that's like cool I can hang out with and that's creative. And that's pretty fucking creative.

Pretty creative.

I think resumes are so fucking dumb.

Yeah.

Like, it's just like, like, like resumes themselves are dumb, but I don't think like, like job experiences are like one thing. So like if you talk like if you like, if you were hiring somebody and you're like, oh yeah, he used to work for Kimmel, he was a writer for him for 10 years. I'd be like, oh cool, he's probably fucking hilarious. He's probably written some really funny things. But if you— but if you like print out all the things he's done in his last fucking 18 years of life, you can make anything sound cool, right? You could be like, I was on the council of the department lead of the financial advisory sector of UCLA. Like, you can make anything sound cool, even if it's just like some fucking bullshit thing. You can— you could just apply. Like, that's why I fucking hate resumes. Yeah, like, I spent 60 hours cleaning up the ocean. Like you could, you could do anything. You could, you could put anything on the fucking resume. Like, I helped the guy cross the street once and he thanked me. Like, you know what I mean?

You could hire this guy or you could hire the guy from Octopus Teacher. That would be fun.

I don't think— I think the guy from Octopus Teacher is like, like, I think he's living his life.

So you want me to organize all the merch?

You know, that'll be my one request from this guy who sent me the resume today is you need to watch Octopus Teacher and you need to write 4 jokes about it and give me your honest feedback. And I'll see, and then I'll see if you're qualified enough for this job.

Please call that guy today and tell him to watch. I want to see what— I want to know what everybody thinks about Octopus Teacher. We just saw an ad for Ocean's Twelve or whatever, and one time Matt Damon was talking about Brad Pitt. He was on like Letterman, and Matt Damon's a great actor.

Oh, I remember this. I remember.

Yeah, and he was just like, he was like, look, I'm a famous actor. He's like, it's fucking like nothing like when Brad Pitt comes out. He's like, because he was doing like press with Brad Pitt, he's like, I can walk around, I can go get a sandwich. He's like, soon as Brad Pitt comes, it's fucking pandemonium. And that's for Matt Damon.

Yeah, yeah.

So that— I just thought that was funny.

It is a big difference. Have you ever seen Matt?

Like me and you, you know?

Have you ever seen Matt Damon? I can walk around. You're not— sandwich?

You're what?

Have you ever seen— yeah, you're exactly like Matt Damon. Have you ever seen Matt Damon talk about him and Mark Wahlberg?

Mark Wahlberg? How?

How? They'll like— a lot of times people will come up to them and they'll like mistake them for each other.

Oh, really?

It's like so often at this point that they just— they don't even say anything. They just like take pictures as that person.

Oh, really?

Yeah. So Matt Damon's like, I can't tell you how many times I've taken a picture as Mark Wahlberg, but like, I don't care to explain anymore to people that it's me, Matt Damon.

Right.

That's so funny to mistake one actor for another.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's like really funny.

It's pretty funny. Have you been mistaken for anybody?

Anybody?

Has anyone ever come up and been like, no, hey Todd?

No, no, I feel like a lot of people get mistaken for you though. Like, I'll see a lot of things on like Twitter on or TikTok and be like, I thought I made it, I thought I met David Dobrik last night. And there's a picture of just like them and some like brown-haired dude.

A lot of people will be like plastered and they'll like meet somebody that looks like me and then they'll like tweet about it. They're like, I met somebody last night, I thought it was you but it wasn't you.. And then this one guy like went into a mall pretending to be me, like dressed as me. Uh-huh. They'll be like impersonators, but like, that's like, that's not, that's not like being actually mistaken. Yeah, yeah, someone playing you. But, um, it's funny. That is funny. Oh, what happened to you the other day?

Yeah, I was driving yesterday and I was like in the car and I got to like a red light and this guy pulls up next to me and he's like, hey miss, like there's something loose on your tire, uh, you should really get that checked out. And I was I literally— this is my first car, I've had it for like 3 months. So I'm like, oh God, uh, sure, thanks so much, like I'll go check it. And he's like, if you pull over, I'll check it out for you for free, I work right down the street. And he had like oil on his hands like he was a mechanic.

Did he show you the oil?

Well, I could just see his hands because they were like on the steering wheel. And he was like, if you pull over, I'll fix it for you for free.

And I was like, he was in the car next to you?

He was in the car next to me. And I was like, oh, uh, I'm okay, thank you though, like I gotta go to a meeting. And he's like, you should really get it fixed though, like I don't want you to die, pretty girl like you. Oh. And then I was I was like, uh, I wouldn't like you dead.

Pull over, bitch.

Literally. And then I like drive further down and he comes up again and he's like, well, can I take you on a date? And I was like, uh, no, sorry. And he goes, come on, let me take you on a date. And like started getting aggressive and I was like, sorry, I have a boyfriend. And I like literally, like, I've never gone so fast on fucking Ventura. I like speed in and I was like, fuck, I gotta get away. And I got away from him, but I was so creeped out. The wheel goes literally, yeah, I literally park and I'm like looking my wheel. I'm like, I don't know what I'm looking for. Nothing looks loose to me.

Oh, so nothing was wrong on the wheel?

No, I don't think so.

I warned you. I told you to get it fixed.

Yeah, that's awful.

Guys are awful. The fact that girls have to deal with that.

Was he trying to kidnap you, or was he trying to take you on a date?

I don't know, could have been both.

Well, what did he seem like?

I mean, he definitely was kind of creepy, but he seemed initially— initially he seemed really genuine.

So it just seemed like a really far-fetched pickup line.

Right, but at the same time, why would you ask me like pull over?

That was the thing that creeped me out after he said, well, if I'm justifying his actions, which I don't know if I want to be, but I would assume that he wanted to get more time with you so you would be more inclined to say yes, like if you got to know him, right? Like, like if you help— if he helped you out, you'd like him more and then you'd be more inclined to say yes. Like, I guess, but also, also if you're listening to this and you're Pull over. Do not fucking ever pull over for shit like that.

Your wheel is fine.

There's, there's, um, what were you gonna say?

I was just gonna say, I guess if there's a world where you thought he was cute, maybe I would have pulled over.

Maybe like, yeah, but it's always the fucking cute ones that are fucking murderers.

That's also true.

Yeah. Oh really?

Oh, this guy's cute. He does have a sledgehammer, but he is adorable. Um, what was I gonna say? The one— there's one time— wait, where were you pulling off? The 101?

No, I was on Ventura.

Oh, I was pulling off like the 101, and these two guys were like— their car was like sideways blocking two lanes, and one of them had like a gas canister in their hand, like one of those red ones that you fill up the gas with. Yeah, and he was like waving his hands in the air like, oh my god, I can't believe we're stuck. And his friend like, like waved me down and stopped me, and he's like, hey man, we need to get over to Lancaster. Can we borrow like $40? We just got to get gas right here. And I was like, okay, so I gave him like $20 and then I drove off. And then I, and then I, I got home and I left and they were still fucking sitting there doing the same fucking thing to everybody. I know, of course, I know, but it's my first time. It's only like a month ago that this happened and I was like, I can't believe I fucking fell for this shit. But like right when I drove away, I was like, oh, that guy didn't fucking need my money. There's no fucking way. Like these, like, how perfect is it that this dude's holding a gas canister and he's like looking into it like, oh, it's empty. Really acting it out.

They're looking for you. They're looking for a young guy, right? Who's kind of new to the world. Yeah. And really nice.

It was like ready to build up his karma.

Yeah.

This will help me out when I give this fucking thief, right?

$20.

Yeah. Well, that's why they always get it. Cause like there's always that one person doesn't know yet. We all have to go through it before you learn.

It's not— it's not only that, but like, like when people are having bad days, I feel like they want to give money more to people. Oh yeah, yeah. Like, I feel like people are like, maybe this will change my, my luck. Like, here, I'm gonna give this guy $20 and let's see, let's see, he'll get home to Lancaster and maybe I'll get that text back. Like, that may be that. I feel like that's how people think when it comes down to that. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Jay, thank you for being the co-host this week.

Thanks for having me.

Your trial is going well. I think we're gonna—

am I coming back next week?

We'll keep in touch and we'll shoot you an email Friday the latest.

Let me know.

Okay, well, thank you.

Don't have any other options.

Go buy Jason's merch. Go check out my merch. We'll see you guys soon. My name is Jeff.