Putting Peanut Butter On My Weiner

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views. This is probably the last podcast that we won't record visually.

Oh, yes. Big news.

The next podcast we record will probably be on camera.

Probably be on camera. Indeed, David, I agree. I'm very happy to put in the podcast on the video. Very good.

You ever—

you ever think about killing yourself? I'll tell you, I'm worried about this video podcast, David.

Why?

As you know, My face is built for radio.

Let's roll the intro music. What's up, guys? This is the Views Podcast. I'm David, 22. That's Jason, 45.

Jason, 40, soon to be 46. I can't wait. Aging like fine wine.

We're getting really close to that. So let me just start off, but I had something funny happen to me the other day. Do you remember the other day we were out? I don't know. I know I didn't tell you. We were at Olive Garden the other day, and when we went into— oh, before we got into Olive Garden, you have to like wait for your seat, right? Like, they don't like call you or anything. You can't make a reservation. So they said it's a 25-minute wait. So we went over to Best Buy while we were waiting for our table, and we just sat in the movie room. And in the movie room was NASCAR. NASCAR was playing. There's a bunch of cars going around in a circle, and none of us have ever watched NASCAR. And And I go, we're just watching it, like amused by it. You were there for a moment of it. And I'm like, oh, this is so crazy. Who's that really good race car driver? He's number 24. He's like really good. And everyone was like, I don't know, I don't know. And then 5 minutes pass by and Matt King comes in 'cause he was like looking at the DVDs. And then he comes in and he's like, oh cool, NASCAR. And I'm like, yeah, NASCAR. He's like, Matt, who is number 20? Who's that really good race car driver? And Matt King lifts up his sweatshirt and underneath it is a shirt for Jeff Gordon. Oh, number 24, race car driver.

Oh, wow.

And we're just like, what the fuck? And he's like, yeah, I literally thrifted it like 3 days ago. I found it at a thrift store and I thought it looked cool. And he's like, is Jeff Gordon number 24? And we looked at the shirt and it said number 24. Fucking weird. Is that—

it's funny what blows your young mind.

Dude, all of us in Best Buy were like, what the fuck? We called the Best Buy guy over and we were like, yo, listen to this story. And he was like, that's great. Do you want to buy this? Do you want to buy the TV?

He sort of reacted the same way I did.

Yeah, it's interesting. I knew you weren't going to think it's cool.

No, no, I was jealous I wasn't there.

Joe, you didn't think it was cool either? Oh, you guys are such fucking idiots. You guys don't understand the thrill we were having inside Best Buy.

Whoa, dude, that's freaking weird, dog. Mind blown. Oh no, it didn't just happen. You're the exact same too. I was just talking about it in the Best Buy movie room.

My millennial mind has been blown.

It's cool when you get out in the world and things happen to you.

That was my first time going out.

And then we learned how to drive, ride bikes. I took off my training wheels. You know, the other day I accidentally texted my nanny, "Eat me." What did she say? She didn't say anything, and then I just texted, "Not for you," which made it worse.

Yeah, 'cause who was it for?

And then I was like— Who dis? Wrong number.

No, and then I was like, Oh, I think you were looking for the catchphrase new phone, who dis?

Yeah, new phone.

You're so old. And then I was like, new phone, numbers different.

No.

And then I was like, sorry, there's a typo. Like, I really was trying to type. I think I was trying to type like meet me or something.

Sure, sure, sure.

But she's a hot piece of ass. I'm just kidding. I love you, Susie. Great.

I love you a lot more than you think.

No, no, no. It's not like that. I would never ever do that. She's like my sister.

What was I gonna say? We were at, so you know we have Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast.

Yes, I'm well aware of it.

It was, Joe was telling me this funny story. He was like, go ahead Joe, this is free time. What happened?

Holy moly. So I was at a Knicks game at a suite in New York City and I'm talking to this person and she's like, wow, you look really familiar. I'm like, yeah, I do YouTube videos. She's like, no, you sound familiar. I'm like, yeah, well, I have a podcast, a million listeners.

She's like, you are Joe from Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast!

And she freaked out.

It's my brand.

I had something crazy happen the other night with you. You, um, you have this lighter that has a penis in it. Sure, right? We went to a party and then you—

yeah, instead of it being a flame, a little penis pops out. It's like a gag lighter.

David did it and I go, oh, can I Instagram story that? And then David goes, no, I'm saving it, I haven't shown it yet. And I was like, okay, it's kind of fucking lame considering all the content and ideas I fucking throw your way and you never ever fucking throw me an idea.

Ever.

You never— you haven't thrown me an idea since like, I can't remember.

I just threw you one.

Which was it? Um, but then the kicker— I don't freaking—

I knew you were gonna bring it.

We walk over to the bar, he sees some dude that like I've never met before, and maybe David's close to them, don't know what he does, who he is, and he pulls the lighter out because we were having fun with it. Like David was like doing the lighter, I was showing the lighter to everybody, just showing the lighter to everybody, and I'd be like, oh, Can I have a light? Whatever.

And he shows it to Jason. Jason and I were doing this gag where Jason would walk across from another side of the room and he'd start having a conversation with some people, and then he'd be like, looking for a lighter. And then I'd pop in midway through and I'd be like, oh, are you looking for a lighter? Like in front of a bunch of people. And he'd be like, yes, I am. And then I'd use the lighter, but a dick would pop out and then everyone around him would laugh. And we just kept doing it the entire party.

The best one was they had weed at the party, so you could just smoke as much weed as you wanted. And we walked up on 3 guys who were blazed, and then we did it, and they're like, oh shit, dog! They loved it. But anyways, David— the guy goes, oh my god, that's so funny, can I video this? And David goes, yeah, sure. I was literally like, you don't want me to fucking have anything.

I didn't know— I knew, I knew the second I said that, I'm like, fuck, she's gonna be so pissed. But okay, one, you know my reasoning, he's not in our circle, so no one will see it that watches our videos. But I felt so bad because this guy, like, I haven't talked to him in a while, and like, I felt like I owed him something for some reason. So I was like, yeah, you can record it. So I literally did the exact gag Jason wanted on his Instagram stories on this random guy's, right in front of Jason. And right when he asked me, I was even scared to make eye contact with Jason. Fuck, he's gonna be so disappointed.

Then David, oh my god, okay, so it's like an Oscar party and And I'm like, let's go. I'm like, this is dumb. It's so dumb. It was a party for some alcohol brand. He's like, no, everyone's getting a $1,500 bottle of this alcohol. And I'm like looking around, I'm like, there's 1,000 people here. There's no way in hell everyone is getting a $1,500 bottle.

Well, it was only the VIP people.

Fine, okay, so let's say it's 200 people.

Sure.

Okay, they're just not gonna do that. So we wait, we wait, we wait, we wait.

Yeah, we waited for like an extra 30, 40 minutes.

To David's credit, he bothered, he got us up to the room, which was hard to get up to the VIP suite, and once we got up there, he bugged the shit out of the woman who was dealing with it. Like, she's someone that I just would've given up on bothering.

Yeah, there were, like, so we were at this Oscar after party, and they weren't ready with the gift bags yet because the party just started, but I wanna get the fuck out of there, 'cause why would you wanna be at a party for so long? So, and I was like, can I have the gift bag maybe early? And she's like, no, no, no, we absolutely can't do that. I'm like, that's okay, I've waited intense, for Black Friday. I'll wait you out. That's what I said. And then I kept, I kept like coming up to her and like saying things like that, like just making sure that she understood that I was there for the long haul.

And the Black Friday joke got her to be like, okay, they're good.

And yeah. And then I came up to her later and I'm like, hey, listen, I'm still here. I'm just, I'm just in the corner. I thought maybe I'd get out of your hair for like a couple minutes. And she's like, goddamn it. And then she like went into the back room and we were the first ones. To get a gift bag.

Yeah, and it's heavy. It's really heavy.

Oh my God, it was so heavy.

I was like, this is clearly a $1,500 bottle.

We walked out, we walked out, I was like, fuck yes, Jason, we fucking did it. And Jason was like, David, I don't like to say it, but you were right. You were fucking right. We hit it big. It was so heavy, like we had to like put it over our shoulders.

I'm imagining this beautiful bottle of alcohol in a velvet, um, you know, bag with a yellow rope tied.

And then it's really dark in my car, but there's a bunch of stuff in the bag, so I'm like taking everything out one by one I'm like, this isn't the alcohol, this isn't the alcohol. And then I turn on the light and I open the bag wide and I just realized it's a bunch of fucking bath bombs. Yeah, and just a bunch of bottles of shampoo. And I do— I nearly lost my mind. I was like, there are people that work their entire lives to win a fucking Oscar and attend this after-party, and you are giving everybody bath bombs. I was so pissed. But I mean, whatever, it was pretty funny. I don't even drink alcohol. The only reason I just wanted it is so I I can show my friends that I have expensive alcohol, right? Yeah. But yeah, whatever. That, that went that way. Did I already tell my NASCAR shirt story?

I have a funny story.

What?

This is really funny. Man delivering food allegedly dips testicles in salsa over low tip.

Oh, wow. Whoa.

Here's a video of him.

There's a video of him dipping his testicles in the salsa.

Yeah. He's like a Grubhub driver. Not Grubhub, not that brand, but it's called Dinner Deliverer.

It is that brand. But you're trying to protect yourself because you have a brand deal. Oh, fuck. Not Grubhub.

I don't want to throw Grubhub under the bus.

Grabhub.

No, Grubhub's great. Their drivers do not dip their balls in anything. Hey, quick shout out to Grubhub. Way to go. Not putting testicles in my food.

Speaking of Grubhub, our first sponsor on this podcast.

But the dude just did it.

No, sure, sure.

Yeah. Have you ever dipped your balls in anything?

No, I've honestly actually never done that. I've never put peanut butter on my balls. Have you ever put peanut butter?

I put peanut butter on my dick.

And on your dick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you've had your dog lick it off?

I tried once. Yeah, I was really young. It's like 35. I was 22. Oh no, I was probably like 13, 14.

And really?

Yeah, I mean, I would— I love my dog so much.

See, that's, that's the thing. That shows how much trust other people have in dogs. I would never do it because I would just assume the dog would bite my dick off.

Dog's gonna make a video about it?

I mean, no, I would just assume my dog would bite my dick off.

Well, yeah, I mean, you're— it sounds like your relationship with dogs is not the same as mine. I mean, yeah, very docile dogs.

I—

mine weren't running around the yard.

I've gotten bit a lot by dogs.

Have you?

Yeah.

How many times?

3. Bro, when a dog bites me, it's like— it's like— it's like a girlfriend cheating on you. It's like, I cannot believe you just did that.

Yeah. Yeah, your own dog bit you?

No, just my— my, like, friend's dogs.

Why don't dogs like you?

No, they like me, but like, I must seem super playful to the point where like they think they can bite me extra hard.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, not—

maybe, maybe you're, you know, they say the alpha male, they can sense it. So maybe they seem challenged.

I think that's what it is.

You know what my mom would say? David, sweet meat.

Oh really? That's why she bites me too, I think.

Yeah, my dog bit me once and then I was— I came back bleeding and I was hiding it from my dad because I knew my dad would put the dog down. Oh, are you serious? Oh my God, my dad would fucking kill the dog.

I was just kidding about putting him in the cage.

Yeah, yeah. And then I was bleeding, and then like, I hid it for like, like a day, and then finally he found out.

And what'd he do to the dog?

I don't remember.

What do you mean?

Did he— I mean, I didn't see anything.

Oh, so but the dog survived?

Oh yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay.

I'm sure he gave— I'm sure he gave the dog a scare. Oh, I don't think he beat the dog. Boo! He bit the fucking cancer.

He bit the dog. Just kidding. Yeah, he bit the dog in the neck.

How you like That was funny. We had two good jokes, but we said different jokes at the same time. They both were funny.

I don't know if yours was.

It was. That's how good this podcast is. David talks over Jason's jokes because they suck. He makes up for them.

Sometimes the podcasts are too good. They double up on the jokes. It is hard to keep up with. Um, yeah, I mean, I, I hope, I hope your dog's okay. Now I'm not assuming from licking my balls now. Yeah, that's so crazy. My friends would do that. My friend would have his dog lick his balls all the time and it was like I thought he invented it for a while because he was doing it for so long.

I loved your story about your friends that used to use Fiverr.

Yeah. Oh yeah, my friends used to do Fiverr. Oh, have I not shared this before?

Not on the podcast.

So my friends used to use Fiverr and Fiverr is like this thing that you can hire anybody anywhere to do anything for very cheap.

Yeah.

I may have said this on the podcast, but who cares, because we repeat shit all the time. But, um, but there was this— my friend, his name was Blake, and he was like really like— he was like the most like creative when it came to being funny out of the entire group. Like, he'd go out of his way to do stupid stuff.

What's he do now?

Now he's actually working in like finance. Yeah, yeah. So my— so my friend Blake once hired someone from like, from like, like a village. Like, it was like, it was like a third world country type of situation. And basically it was a guy, and all he was wearing was like something to cover his penis. It was like a video video. There's a video sent to him, and he got all of us at the table, at our lunch table, to look at this video. So it was me, my friend Nick, and all our friends, and Blake. And Blake was like, yo, Nick and David, check out this video. And we're all watching this video, and it's this guy. He looks like he, he doesn't have anything on. He just has something covering his penis, a loincloth, like a layer, like a cloth. And he's like chopping away at a tree, and he's like chopping away at a coconut, and it's it's like a full, like, 2-minute length video of him chopping down this coconut. And we're all like, what the fuck is going on, Blake? Why are you showing— but we're entertaining this because Blake's so weird that we're like, okay, maybe there's something to it. And he chops off a coconut, and then the coconut falls on the ground, and he chops— in the video, he chops right into the coconut, and he splits the coconut, and the coconut opens up, and inside the coconut is a note. And we're like, what the fuck is going on? Now it's getting weird. Now it's getting like, okay, this is the Blake we know. And the guy, the guy, the guy in the video opens up the note and he shows it to the camera, and inside the note it says, Nick, you're a pussy. This is just— this was an all— this was an elaborate way to tell Nick he was a pussy. And Blake hired this guy from a third-world country just to make this video. It's fucking hysterical.

Only cost him $5.

Yeah, it was only 5 bucks.

It's incredible.

And we're like, this is incredible. And we spent the rest of the day showing new people this. We've been showing our teacher and he loved it. It was hilarious. But Stitch Fix, I should I should say, speaking of things that you can buy online that is very worthy of your money, Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle. Just go to stitchfix.com/views and tell them your sizes, what styles you like, and how much you wanna spend on each item. You'll be paired with your very own personal stylist who will handpick 5 items to send right to your door. Then you try them on, pay for only what you love, and return the rest.

You know what? I let go of my personal stylist once I signed up for Stitch Fix.

You had a personal stylist before? What did you do?

I had somebody come over to the house. It was Joe. Yeah, yeah, and he used to— so Joe's out of a job now.

Oh, fuck. Stitch Fix is incredible for that reason, because Joe doesn't deserve a job. Shipping, exchanges, and returns are always free. There's no subscription required. You could sign up to receive scheduled shipments or get your fix whenever you want. Stitch Fix's styling fee is only $20, which is applied toward anything you keep from your shipment. Get started now at stitchfix.com/views. And you'll get an extra 25% off when you keep all items— all 5 items in your box. That's stitchfix.com/views to get started today. stitchfix.com/views. I'm surprised we still get ad reads because I honestly feel like I'm not even reading these correctly. I'm like, I just combined checking—

I combine listening and make sure you are.

I come— I combine the number 5 and items. I said items. That's unbelievable.

Yeah, what, 3 seconds of the JTWP? You're not supposed to read call to action. You're supposed to just like do it. Like, you don't throw in call to action, check out—

call to action is like, oh my god, did I read the actual call to action part?

Yeah, I know a guy who edits the podcast, he'll cut it out easy-squeezy, don't worry about it.

Wait, I actually said call to action?

I wasn't listening.

Holy fuck, I'm insane. I literally said call to action. That's like me saying make sure to read this to your audience. Oh, that's crazy.

I think it's pretty cool actually to tell them You activated a bunch of people just there.

Yeah.

What if we had a segment on the podcast where we had 5 seconds of silence just for everyone, just like take a minute?

Yeah. Oh my God, can we do 20? How many— how much time do we have left?

We need to fill another 22 minutes.

Can we do 22 minutes of silence for this podcast?

How about a nice 10 seconds for everybody right now? Why don't you lead us, David?

Well, how about this? I like breathe in the background too.

That's fine.

For 22 minutes, we'll just make it— we'll make it so real.

I'll still—

it'll still feel like we're in your car or in your room or in in your headphones, but we won't talk. We'll just be here breathing. Maybe you'll hear me refreshing my Twitter feed or something in the background. It'll be like you're hanging out with us for real. 'Cause let's be honest, people like podcasts 'cause it feels like you're hanging out with people. But that's not true. I would hate to hang out with people that just talk for 40 minutes and don't just chill.

That's right.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So we should start a podcast where we literally just hang out for 40 minutes. And maybe we'll watch a movie one podcast.

That would be cool.

Hey, today we're watching Interstellar Jason, please don't interrupt. You say one thing, I get mad. Dude, shut up. We're watching the fucking movie. Did you see that there was a dead humpback whale that mysteriously appeared in the Amazon jungle? Yeah.

How? Well, this isn't a joke leading towards my weight.

No, I mean, it definitely is gonna get there at some point, but it is an actual headline. Okay, it's a dead humpback whale just showed up in the middle of the Amazon jungle. That's incredible.

But maybe they were trying to move it.

You're like defending it.

Hmm, maybe the— maybe the humpback whale, you know, has a little problem eating snacks at night. Maybe that humpback whale is going through quite a lot right now.

Maybe he has two kids and he doesn't get to see them a lot because he has a divorced wife who's down his throat all the time.

Love you, Barney. Watch SWAT. Yes.

No, but, um, No, I don't know. I— it is— that's so crazy. The— are you scared of the ocean?

Yeah, I almost drowned once. I've talked about it. It's bad. I've drowned a bunch.

Oh yeah, you have.

Yeah. I mean, are you— you don't go in the ocean.

I'm not scared. I love—

you want to build a pool here, you'll never go in it.

No, I'm not scared of the pool. I'm scared of the ocean.

That ocean's crazy.

Like, it's not the swimming part. I can swim. I can keep myself afloat, whatever, right? It's a— it's— there's an entire galaxy under you.

Like, like when you're in the middle of the ocean It's a Jeff Gordon moment.

Have you ever— it's a Jeff Gordon moment. Have you ever thought of that?

Like, yeah, there's like another— you think there's another galaxy underneath us? No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just saying it's, it's huge.

Oh yeah, and it's unpredictable.

You don't know what's— like, there's like thousands of miles of undiscovered places of the ocean. Yeah, like people have never been. We have no fucking idea what's down there.

Could be a whole village.

There could literally be a new town.

Yeah, of like Atlantis, they would call it.

It there could be mermaids, but they could all be like zombies. Like, yeah, how horrible is that? Zombie mermaids. That's probably the worst. Hey, that's the title of this podcast.

Zombie mermaids. How about this? How about you're chilling on the beach in Thailand, you take a little vacation finally, and you're on the beach and a tsunami comes? I think about that all the time. You know what a tsunami, right? The water goes back.

There's something—

the ocean sucks back.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you could see video of like the kid like running like, where's the water going?

And then just There's something not scary to me about a tsunami.

Because you think you just die right away?

Because I think you like— I think the wave hits you.

Yeah.

And then it either knocks you out right away or you just hit a wall and you just get knocked out. I think there's like something— there's something about like dying where you're unconscious first. That's—

you think you just go out?

Yeah, like I think, I think a tsunami will knock you out first and then you'll be unconscious, painless, and then you'll die because you'll be in the water and you'll just drown. You do not know what is at the bottom. And I wasn't scared. I wasn't scared of the ocean at all until I saw a picture picture of someone hanging out at the top of the ocean and then just all blue under them. Like, it is so unpredictable what is underneath you. Yeah, it's like—

no, actually, they know.

It's like constantly— it's like being blindfolded, Jason. Like walking around and being blindfolded. Like you don't know what shark or what animal will come bite your toes. Yeah, and that's the worst part, to be bitten. I hate when I'm on the couch and someone tickles my feet. That's already one of my biggest fears. Like When I'm taking a nap and my feet are out and I know I have friends over, I go, I really don't want to put my feet under the blanket because it's hot under here, but I know if I don't, someone's gonna come by and tickle my fucking feet. And now imagine that but in the ocean where your friends are fucking great white sharks. Like, that's, that's like, that's what I'm dealing with. Like, what—

when's the last time you've been in the ocean?

I don't know. I've actually haven't swam in the ocean in like like— oh, and swam in the ocean like 2 years ago, but I haven't like been in the middle of the ocean for like a while. That I don't think I would ever do.

Did you go in the— oh, when you went to, um, on vacation, right?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, um, but yeah, it— oh, the ocean's a terrifying situation.

Hey, you know what's funny?

No.

Sometimes when we're doing bits, I'll pitch you an idea or whatever, and, uh, and then the idea will like get in and like we're doing the idea, and then, uh, and then like I'll feel like I'm like not getting enough credit for the idea.

Sure.

And then the idea is in motion and I'm like, this is bullshit. I fucking kind of thought of this and no one's really thanking me or fucking applauding me for this idea. And then what's really funny is when the idea fucking turns on you and the idea sucks, like, like people in the comments don't like it or something like that. And then I'm like, oh fuck, that was fucking bad idea. That's happened a bunch where— yeah, I think that's maybe like 3 times where I was like, I was like, oh fuck, glad no one fucking knew it was me. Because the next day I'll come over and you'll be like, you read the comments? It's fucking awful.

Really?

Hey, I texted my nanny, eat me.

We know. Oh, we're so delusional. We're repeating stories on the same podcast now. It's not even like a story we said a couple podcasts ago. It's just like, okay, Jason, you said that 25 minutes ago. This next segment of the podcast, guys, is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's where we give our editor 25 seconds to talk about whatever he wants. We usually regret it by the end of the time, but it's an easier way for us to not edit these podcasts. And action!

What's up, weenies? It's your boy JV from the JTWP here on The Views Podcast.

Now, Jason, I don't really have much planned this week.

Oh, here, I'll cover it for you.

You got it.

I'll cover it for you. I'm doing stand-up in Irvine and San Jose in April at The Improv. Give This is all Joe's time.

All right, thank you, Joe, for joining us.

That doesn't count.

Yes, it does count, you jackass. You shouldn't have given it to Jason.

I tricked you.

That was stupid. And Jason, why are you plugging yourself as if you don't have the other 39 minutes of this podcast?

I just want to fuck Joe up.

Um, okay, well, back to us regularly talking about nonsense. Joe, thanks for joining us. Hope you don't come back next week.

Joe, that was your best teeny weeny yet.

That was actually probably his best one. At least we got something done. Like, that almost felt productive.

Did you see the comments on the YouTube channel trailer of YouTube?

Did you see your time was expired about 50 seconds ago? Why are you by the mic?

You're right, I'll leave.

Go follow Joe on Twitter. It's Joe.

No, what were the comments, Joe?

50% of them wanted more JTWP. Like 50% of them.

Joe, on what?

On the new YouTube channel.

You're just really tech savvy and you know how to make a lot of YouTube accounts at once.

All right, I don't have no communications with anybody All right, guys, go check out the YouTube channel too that David put up.

Oh yeah, we have a new YouTube channel for The Views Podcast. Go check it out. We don't know how— when should we upload the podcast? Should we upload it like a week later? We still haven't figured it out because the audio needs to come first, and then maybe a week later the video.

And it's got to be Thursdays because everyone thinks it's Thursday.

Yeah, I don't know, we got to figure it out. Whatever, it's not too difficult to find out.

How are you feeling, old David? Down to 2? Vlogs a week, sir.

I let people know that I'm posting 2 vlogs a week now instead of 3, which is fun. A lot of— 99.9% of people were supportive, and then there was like, there was like one comment every 400 comments that was like, you post 4-minute videos.

No.

Yeah, it sucked.

It was so infuriating.

It pissed me off so much. It's because people, people don't understand that every video has, you know, 3 to 4 hours of footage paired with it. That, that like it's cut down into. So people just think that like, like I go out and I shoot for 10 minutes of the day. I'm like, that's not— and to find stuff that's funny, and that's so hard, and that's not the case at all.

Yeah, no, especially after 3 years.

We'll literally go to places, we'll go to places and you won't even see anything from it. Like, we went to college the other day to shoot and one of the people there was like, wow, how come you're always at college but I don't see a lot of it in the vlog? Right? I'm I'm like, yeah, you also don't see me and Jason struggling in the car for 9 hours trying to come up with stuff.

I'm like, oh, you do on my vlog.

Yeah, like you only see the best moments, and like, and 3/4 of our day isn't even like remotely in there. Like, it's like literally the, the smallest percentages of our day.

I knew we were— I knew we were getting like good in your vlog and getting the operation running on a high level when we had like 3 bits that were great just fall out completely.

What do you mean?

Like, I think the last month we've had like a bunch of stuff just that you should— there's one thing you shot that was great, you couldn't use it, and then I wasn't allowed to use it.

Yeah, yeah.

So now it's like, but I've learned to be like, well, that's part of it. There's a part of it is wasting time.

But no, yeah, but I'm glad I'm doing 2 a week now because I can— now I can like do other things. I can do outside of YouTube things, and that's kind of what I want to be doing, especially because, you know, YouTube— YouTube, it's, it's so crazy. I always complain about how much money I make on YouTube, but I, I think now I'm officially— I've just become the lowest paid in our friend group for monetization. And, um, and it's, it's— if it wasn't for you guys buying the merch, I don't— like, I wouldn't be able to afford my videos or this house or the house or anything, dude. I like, like, I have to say thank you to you guys for getting the merch. You know, you know, we did We did over $800,000 in sales in February. Wow, for merch.

Did you really?

That's nuts.

That's insane.

$800,000.

Oh my god.

And that's like, that's the reason like the videos, you know, that's the reason I can get— because like when I get a car for someone, Seeki doesn't pay for the entire thing, right? So like it still comes out of my pocket. And like bits where I give people money come out of my pocket. So it's like really nice when people like like get merch and like get stuff like that. I'm not trying to trick you guys into buying more merch, but I'm trying to say thank you and buy more merch. But like, it really helps. And I've really liked the merch that we've been coming out with lately.

No, no, I mean, I know what you mean. I think my sales last month, $120 in January, fucking incredible. Thank you.

Yeah, but your accent is also pretty nice.

My mom Who bought most of those? No, but yeah, my AdSense is good.

But yeah, no, I really, I really appreciate everybody.

Not $800,000 a month.

Well, that's not, that's not how much is in my pocket.

No, I know Fanjoy takes—

yeah, that's my manager, my agents, my lawyer. Natalie has to eat.

Yeah.

And yeah, so that goes, that goes to the business.

She's been eating a lot, actually.

She has.

Yeah, she loves to snack.

She found out how much we made in February. And she's just like, I'm going to buy all the pretzels today.

I love it. I love when we're doing a bit and you tell Natalie to stop snacking.

Oh my God. Natalie likes to snack every time we're filming. I'll turn over and I'll hear her crunching and she'll be like spacing out, staring at a wall, eating like Pop Chips. I'm like, Natalie. And then she's like, oh, I'm sorry. And then she'll run into her room.

Yesterday we were trying to do a video and Natalie was crawling.

Yeah, now she's crawling behind the video. But yeah. The future is coming. Make it brighter with Squarespace. By using Squarespace, you can create a beautiful website to turn your cool idea into a new website, showcase your work, blog or publish content, sell products and services of all kinds, promote your physical or online business. Guys, Squarespace is great. It gives you beautiful templates created by world-class designers, powerful e-commerce, e-commerce functionality lets you sell anything online. Everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box. A new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions. Squarespace, guys, if you're trying to create —or like think of a website or design website, use Squarespace. It's incredible. Use squarespace.com/views for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code views to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Make it yourself, easily create a website by yourself, and make it stand out with Squarespace. That's views to save 10% off your first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Did you see that there was a fabulously fat rat rescued after getting stuck in manhole cover?

I saw that cute little rat.

How'd they pull you out? Boom, there we go. You thought it was gonna be the whale, but I was waiting for the fat rat.

That was nice. I want to— I definitely caught by surprise on that one.

I do want to say this, I'm nominated for a Kids' Choice Award, and I'm—

oh, $800,000 a month in merch and a Kids' Choice Award. But feel bad for me because I had to make 3 videos a week.

Oh my god, give Give me a fucking break, Jason.

You don't see me bragging about my Kids' Choice nomination.

Oh, what'd you get nominated for? Uh, no, this is— this is the one award that means the most. It's like winning an Oscar for me. It's such a big deal. Is it? Yeah, because it's the award show I watched most as a kid.

Oh, okay, so it's like a big deal.

And like, my friend Josh Peck, who's a Nickelodeon star, has one.

You can rub it in his face.

Or I can't rub it in his face.

Take a picture.

I'll be like him. I can take a picture with him. We're both— I don't know, I, I'm nominated for it and I'm super excited. So if you guys could go vote for me, that'd be amazing. Um, thank you guys.

Also buy my merch. And my daughter's TikTok got deleted.

Oh yeah, what is that, dude?

I went home last night and the poor thing, she's really good at— she was, she's really— she was really good at TikTok. She was so bummed out. She's like, Daddy, my account, my account's gone. And I was like, I'm like, I'm sure it's a glitch. I'm like, don't worry, I'll, I'll call Collab tomorrow.

Let me call Mr. TikTok. Yeah, yeah.

I was like, I'm gonna get her— I'll get to the fucking bottom of this. Like, because He's like, you know, I know I can probably get someone from TikTok on the phone. And then Wyatt goes online and he's like, oh, actually, the Federal Trade Commission—

he spit in his face.

Shut up, smartass. They levied a $5.7 million fine to TikTok for infringing on child privacy rights. So I guess they're just taking down these accounts that are kids under 13. Wow. Yeah. But her other friends are still up.

How old do you have to be?

I guess you got to be 13 now. But there's— we— then we— then we start calling all her friends and she's like, she's like, Denora, what's going on? Your TikTok, is it up? She's like, let me check. She's like, yep, mine's still up. She's like, I'm gonna three-way call Blake. And Blake's like, mine's still up too. Like, they're like, no, Blake, you're private. She's like, if it was public, it would be taken down. She was— it was like DEF CON 1. She's like calling everyone on the phone. She was so bummed out.

How many followers do you have on there?

She had 29,000. That's crazy. It was good. Yeah. And how old is she? She's 10. Oh wow. And she was— David, she was good at it. Like, she knew how to like do edits and stuff. I'm like, I don't know, I wouldn't be able to do that. It was way harder than—

she is very young though.

Yeah, she's young, but she's fucking dope. I tell her that all the time. It's to protect— fucking dope, honey. Good night.

To protect from, from people, from like pedophiles, right? Like looking children. I think that's what it was.

Oh, I thought it was about selling their information.

No, YouTube did that too. Oh, YouTube, YouTube banned like 400 channels.

I know my family channel has— you can't comment on anything.

Yeah, they turn off, they turn off the comedy, the commenting on like channels with kids because like pedophiles, like child predators would come in and they'd comment timestamps for where you can see the kids the best for other child predators to see. Fucking disgusting. That fucking nuts. Yeah, so think about that when your child is off the internet.

Maybe it's a good thing, and I hope YouTube can figure everything out.

How are we gonna make money, David? She had a brand deal for Dyson vacuums in a month. She can't post it anymore.

Yeah, what do all those family channels do? I mean, I mean, I have my main channel, but I hadn't posted on my family.

Just no commenting.

Yeah, but doesn't Doesn't that fuck up like the whole video and the engagement? You know, when I go into Joe's videos, I leave timestamps.

Yeah, me too. This is— I say 00, and this is the part where you want to exit the video. No, but I mean, yeah. Well played. It's—

she should—

if she really wants to be on it and you give her the permission because you're her dad, then she should just lie about her age. Yeah. Is that what she's gonna do?

No, I'm gonna give her my account.

Oh, even better. I'm gonna make sure she has access to more followers so more people can see her. So if there's any way that she'd be in any danger, I'm gonna multiply it.

Yeah, maybe I won't give her my account. Actually, you're right, I'm not gonna do that.

No, no, I'm kidding.

She can start from scratch again. Yeah, she's fine. She's really good at it. I was just bummed out because like Wyatt has his thing, he has music.

You should have this be a lesson to her. You should be like, yeah, well, Daddy was on Vine and he had millions of followers and it got all taken away from him, you little fuck. Good luck building it back up. Good luck finding a YouTuber to latch on to. It took me a hell of a long time.

Do you know what it fucking took to get where I am? And you're screaming, you're crying about TikTok. Are you fucking kidding me, Charlie? Shit isn't a game. I go over to David's house every fucking day. I fucking humiliate myself so we can eat and put food on the table and you're crying about 15 seconds. Girl, I'm fucking doing fucking 20-minute videos so I can get that fucking AdSense up. Dad?

Dad?

Yeah, Charlie?

I want to go— I want to go to Mom's house.

We're at Mom's house. I broke in, remember? Um, no, bro, I don't talk to Charlie like that at all. I love my daughter, but it pissed me off when they got taken away. I called collab right away. I was like, dog, it sucks. It's like she was good at it.

No, I believe she was really good at it. Guys, if you're— if you are on TikTok, please follow his daughter when she starts up her account in 4 years.

She has 4 million.

All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you for listening. This has been Abuse Podcast. My name is Jeff. Go buy— go buy the merch. Go buy Jason's merch. Go watch our videos and go subscribe to our new podcast channel where you'll be able to see the video version of this. Thank you guys. Bye-bye. My name's Jeff.