Lying to Yourself Until You Make It

You can get thousands of podcasts for free on Spotify, including ours, as well as a bunch more of the most popular news and politics shows. What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views. Today is Jason's last podcast. Let's—

whoa, whoa, wait a minute. I thought we were just going to have a meeting first.

Nope, this is it.

There's a meeting after the podcast.

No, this is it.

This has already been decided, huh?

This is Jason's last podcast. I'm replacing with a fish. I've just figured that a fish will contribute more.

I'd love to see what this fish has to say. I'm going to pass the mic over to the fish right now. Oh, wow. That's actually fucking really good.

Roll the intro music.

David's jazzed to be here.

What's up, guys? Yeah, I'm pumped to be here. I love doing the podcast. I'm David. I'm 22. Jason's 45. I'm going to talk a little bit so you can figure out who I am. This is me, David. So when you hear my voice, you know it's the young guy talking. Now, Jason, go.

This is my voice. I'm Jason.

This is Jason.

This is Jason.

Dad is in town.

My dad's in town. He talks like this.

Yeah. And you started fucking talking like him when I came up to you. It was really weird.

I'm absorbing his personality, David. You're 100%. You're great with people and you're 100% right. And I told you why. I told you that in your vlog. You didn't use this material, but I told you why. Because he's so manly that You feel inferior around him, so you have to lower your voice.

It was weird. I've—

Tell me what I was doing. How do I sound like?

Well, you just— you looked uncomfortable.

I did?

Yeah. Standing next to him. You look like—

Don't I always look uncomfortable?

No, but you look like you were trying to camouflage and, like, fit in. Like, you look like— you look like I just caught you with a new friend group and, like, you weren't being Jason at all and you were just being this completely different guy just to fit in with the cool crowd. Like, I want to be like, yo, Jason, this isn't you, man. Because, like, I walked in and he had a full-on Boston accent, and it was like really deep voice, guys. I don't even know how to explain this. And you think I'm making it up, but I even showed Joe and Natalie when I was editing. I'm like, listen to him. And they picked it up instantly. They're like, holy shit.

I guess that's what you do. You collect things about me and then run to your two girlfriends, Joe and Natalie. Guys, look at this.

Yeah, that is pretty funny. But no, I was doing that.

You're right. And I felt myself doing it, like, all day. I was like, what am I doing? I started talking like this, and I was lowering my voice, everything, and dropping my ass.

Really, really interesting.

Yeah, it was odd. Am I still doing it?

No, you're not doing it any better today. How's your dad? Yeah, how's your dad being here?

He's great, man. He's a lot more mellow now. When I was a child, he was rough. So now, even now, when I get around him and he says stuff to me, I tense up still. He tries to teach me golf and stuff. He wants to go golfing, and he started to talk about golf, and I was just like, Oh, I can't even listen to you talk. Flashbacks.

What does he think about your girlfriend Tricia?

He thinks that she's very nice. They're both a lot alike. Yeah, they're both— my dad's a former rageaholic, and Tricia sometimes goes through that. And I think he relates to her a lot.

Your dad seems very nice.

I know. That's the fucking rub with him. That's what everybody says. Through my entire life, people were like, your father is the fucking best. I would meet guys. I would like meet people that knew my dad. I knew your dad. Your dad was the fucking best guy ever. Like that. And I'd be like, really? Because I fucking can't be around him for a minute. But he was— he's a great guy. He's just like, fatherhood's not his thing. Do you remember when you asked him that question? I thought that was so interesting. You were like, you're like, do you, do you regret being too hard on him or whatever? And he paused and he was like, nope. Like, no regrets. For anything.

I was also talking to both of you guys, and I even asked questions along the lines of, like, Jason, do you have any resentment towards your dad?

Yeah.

Like, I was asking questions like that, and I feel like you weren't being quite honest. No, no. Because, like, you say a lot of bad things about your dad. Not bad things about your dad, but, like, honest things about your dad on the podcast.

Sure.

That you weren't, like, too big of a fan of.

Right.

But, like, you wouldn't say it to him. It's like you were, like, holding back.

I buried all my problems with him. Like, I don't have any resentment towards him. If I had resentment, I wouldn't spend time with him. You know what I mean?

What do you think was the main—

I mean, I make jokes about it.

Why didn't you get along with your dad? What was the main reason?

He was just like, he was angry. He was about to snap every single moment. So when he would walk in the room, you'd be like, oh, shit, here we go. And I would instantly become— I would act adult and manage his mood. I'd be like, hey, how are you today? You know what I mean? It was just really hard to manage him.

Yeah.

Was your dad like that?

No.

Your dad was, like, pretty easygoing. You ever get in a fight with your dad?

With my dad? I think there was once. I may have talked about this on podcast. I threw, like, a garbage bin at him, or he threw a garbage bin at me.

Like a flimsy garbage bin?

Like a white, super flimsy. I can lift up a normal one. No, it wasn't a garbage bin. It was literally like Like an office. Like, it was like the kitchen garbage bin.

That's what I mean.

Exactly.

Yeah. Like one of those.

And it, like, cracked in half or something because it missed and it hit the ground. Yeah, but it was, like, definitely meant to hurt. I don't know who threw it.

Do you have any residual feelings about your father that you'd love to get out of the way?

Like residual?

Yeah, residual. Like what you say. There is truth in what you say. I'm sure there is resentment there.

Do I resent my dad for anything? No, literally nothing.

That's good.

I don't really, because I don't really care. Like, if my dad wasn't the exact same way he was to me, however, if it was good or bad, or any of my parents or any of my friends, the exact same way they were, then I feel like I wouldn't be where I am today. You know what I mean? Like, every single thing in my life, I feel like shaped me one way or another, whether it was a good thing or bad thing. Like, I would always get into my fights with my parents and I'd always be like, they're always— they were always like, well, you're going to— you're going to see when you have kids that this is how you got to, like, handle things, right? And I would always say, like, yeah, I'm learning how to not handle things. And that's the only thing I'm getting out of this. Well, and like, that was like my main argument with my parents is I learned what not to do, even though they were totally fine and I was just being a teenager.

Did you have fights with your mom? Did you scream at your mom and stuff?

Very rarely.

What was an incident where you like really got mad at her?

I mean, I don't know. It was always about like not doing enough. Like, I was like, I was very like my parents. It was this constant thing where it was like It was when I was at— when I was inside the house, they were like, why don't you go out more? Why are you at home all the time? And then I was outside with my friends and they're like, we never fucking see you. Where are you? And it was like this, like, constant back and forth. Like, it's just such a parent thing for that to happen. I don't know. The main fights were like, I don't know what they were. They were about like doing like piano lessons and stuff and taekwondo. I hated piano and taekwondo.

What was your taekwondo skill level up to? Did you get good at it?

I got—

Can you kick?

I got kicked in the face once. I had to go get stitches. I bled all over the floor mats and all over my taekwondo suit.

Really?

Like fucking crazy.

Like came out your nose or your mouth?

My mouth. I had like 5 stitches on my mouth because I got kicked right in the mouth.

Did you cry?

I don't know. I know I don't think I did. I was in shock. I was like, I still remember it. I was like fucking terrified.

When's the last time you cried?

Probably like a day ago.

I'm on new medication. I haven't cried in a while.

Wait, last time I cried. Yeah, genuinely cried.

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know, probably like 3 weeks ago.

Where were you? The shower.

The shower.

The garage.

Yeah. Oh yeah, remember that one time I told you I had a breakdown? Yeah, I cried that day.

Oh, you did cry that day?

Yeah, I cried that day, but I didn't know why.

You came right out of that breakdown though. I'm proud of you.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, I mean, that's how things, that's how things are for me. Like, I just bounce back.

I'm so jealous of who you are as a person. It makes me so upset.

But like, it was so interesting because I was crying and I'm like, why am I crying? I didn't know. I didn't know if I was happy Or if I was upset or sad, I was just crying and I'm like, oh my God, I feel like, I feel like I'm going through puberty again. Yeah, I was just so moody and it was so weird.

It was the night of the Streamys.

Yeah, it was the night of the Streamys. It was the morning of.

I know why. I mean, I won't bore you with it because I know you hate when I talk about it.

You're right. I don't care.

Damn it. Didn't take the bait. No, no, I want to hear.

No, but I mean, I don't know. I feel like it always makes my—

I feel like there's moments in life. I'm not going to speak for you, but I know for me, if I'm going like head into something for like a long period of time, and I'm just like working, working, working, working. Something like that for like the Streamys or some kind of moment that you're forced to stop and recognize what's happening. A night like that is going to be an emotional thing because you're just— he's looking at his phone.

I'm pulling up the next ad.

I know you are. I'm just kidding. But I do think that I could see you like breaking down on the Streamys because—

yeah, no, I'm not busy. You want me to put you on speaker?

Best gag. It's Zane. Got any more really bad pictures of Jason we can make fun of?

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David got me. I was kidding. Got me the nicest frame of him and I when we went fishing in San Francisco.

I never got you.

And there was hundreds of baby seals on the dock. Um, I don't know if you guys ever went to San Francisco.

What would your reaction be like if I got you a framed photo?

And Dave— David had his hand around me and he had a beaming smile as if to say, I need this. Really, this relationship means everything to me. He was so happy and he had big waders on and overalls. And it was funny, I remember that day.

Shut the fuck up. Fucking shit. What would you—

what did you ask me?

What would you do if I actually got you a framed picture of us?

Break down and cry.

Really?

Yeah.

Have I ever made you cry?

Yeah. Yeah, you have.

Really?

Yeah.

Out of happiness?

Both.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

No, you never made me cry out of meanness. You made me fucking angry, though.

I made you angry. Have I ever made you cry out of like, I can't do this anymore? Like, have you ever been in bed and just— have you ever given up on yourself?

I wouldn't admit to that, but yes. But yes. I mean, yeah, I'm sure I've given up on stuff.

Have you ever been like— have you like— I mean, you've been doing this for a long time.

Yeah. I mean, give up every day.

I know. But like, but like when you were like 35, were you ever like in bed like, what am I doing? Like, shouldn't I just go and get a regular job at this point?

Yeah, I definitely thought that, but I just, I just didn't. I was just like, no, I always, It's stupidity, but I always thought I would make it. I just never, ever, ever, ever, ever thought— I just kept assuming it. And looking back on it now, I'm like, oh, what the fuck was I thinking?

Exactly, bro. I had that exact same feeling. I, I, I, like, I've said this on the podcast before. I remember the day I told my, my friends that I'm moving to LA.

Yeah.

And they were like, you're fucking crazy.

Yeah.

Are you an idiot? What the hell are you gonna do in LA?

Yeah.

And I was like, I was disgusted in how they reacted. I was like, are you guys dumb? I'm just going to fucking do it.

Me too.

And I'm like, what are you guys saying? Like, it didn't make any sense to me. And now looking back at it, like, that was such a big risk. I was so cocky and arrogant and I was such an idiot to think that I could do it. And I'm so fucking happy that I thought that I can.

But isn't, isn't that, isn't that everybody who's successful?

Well, I think that's what I think. That's what it is. And it's like, it's so indescribable because looking back at it,, I genuinely feel like I was out of my fucking balls. I don't know how in the world I thought that anything would come out of this.

I used to tell people I was going to be on Saturday Night Live. Really? Yeah. I told my best friend, he was like, what are you going to do in New York? I'm like, I'm going to be on Saturday Night Live. And he was like, are you fucking out of your mind? And he was right. But that's the thing. People were right and people were wrong. You just don't know. You got to fucking roll the dice. Sure. You know what I mean? I mean, you know, I'm from Boston.

But also, also, don't take what we just said and don't like—

don't—

you can't apply that to your life forcefully. Do you know what I mean? You can't just all of a sudden listen to what we say and then go and then go and be like, I'm going to be a fucking Lakers player and go around telling people because it's not— it's one thing to tell people that and it's another thing to fucking believe it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And that's what I feel like. That's where a lot of people get lost. It's like a lot of people have this like weird confidence that's not really confidence and they just tell people these things. Because I don't know.

But you know anybody like that?

Oh, dude, millions. Not millions.

Vernon Hills.

Everyone in Vernon Hills is like that.

Like, what do they say? Give me an example.

I mean, it was okay. Not everyone. It's actually a very small, finite group of people. But it's like, but it's like, it's like, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the biggest. Like, I don't want to give specific examples because some people listen to it and they're gonna know exactly who I'm fucking talking about. But I mean, I mean, it was, it was a lot of sporting. You know what You know, you saw— you fucking little dick. Um, um, but no, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of people that wanted to be sports players and like, yeah, I'm gonna be in the NBA. I mean, there's no—

oh, come on, really? Yeah, but, but David, what? Nobody's gonna go in the NBA.

I— but bro, people go in the NBA, do you know what I mean?

Bro, get the fuck out of here. No, I mean, the amount of dudes that show up to the basketball court on a Saturday afternoon 4 make the— like, in the country make the NBA. I mean, it's ridiculous. There's 12 players on an NBA team.

No, I know. There's— I mean, there's hundreds.

There was no one in Vernon Hills you were like, hmm, maybe?

Yes, there was. I mean, I mean, our, um, we had a couple players that went into the NFL, so it was very— it was very likely. We had a very athletic school. Really? You said you were going to the NBA. I was like, yeah. I mean, a bunch of Yeah.

You had someone that in your high school that, like, could have made the NBA?

Yes, 100%. Really?

Yeah.

But he chose the NFL.

Oh, was he big?

Yeah, he was big. He's very tall.

Offensive lineman?

He was. I think he was a wide receiver. He was the best in the country.

Do you ever jerk off in school? What? What?

That's a good question.

Framebridge.

Framebridge. Speaking of jerking off, man, he's 69 years old. That's why I did that transition. He applies to legally change legally change age because he identifies as a 20-year-old. Oh, sorry. No, he identifies 20 years younger.

Who would do that?

Sounds like a real asshole. That is so funny.

So funny. Can you—

can you legally change your age?

I already did.

A Dutchman is trying to legally change his age from 69 to 49 with the aim of boosting his online dating prospects. That's—

that can't be legal. When I was on Tinder, I used to go up to 65 and see what was there, you know what I mean?

Oh, like you used to go from 0 to 65?

Yeah, no, I'd made like 55+.

Really?

See what was going on. Even Raya had 55+.

And what did you— what's Raya to the people that don't know?

You know, um, it's a— it's a dating site for celebrities.

It's crazy.

The only— the only profile I saw was Betty White. You really—

it's the only one they paired you with? You kept asking— you kept asking it out, but it kept coming back?

Yeah. And it was really funny. Um, she had One Direction in her profile song.

Raya is an app where you have to get like invited to it, right?

You got to be really good-looking.

It's like Tinder. You have to be good-looking and you have to be in the entertainment industry. And someone has to like— or you just have to be like a well-known person or semi-well person.

I mean, yeah, it's mostly like actors and directors on there.

You either have to be a well-known person or you have to be really good friends with a well-known person.

I'll tell you what's interesting about Raya is they'll match you with people in Minnesota if you live in LA or Chicago. Oh, wow. Which creates this thing in your mind like, I guess I'm getting on a plane this weekend to have a date with you in Minnesota.

Have you ever flown anybody out or flown just to hook up with somebody?

No, I've never done that.

Have you? No. You've never had the money for it?

Never had the money for it. I mean, and it sounds like a bad idea anyway.

Sounds like a horrible idea, right?

Because then they get here. I've had people come to town, but not specifically for me. I'm lying. I jacked off on FaceTime with them.

Oh, have you ever jerked off on FaceTime? Please tell me you haven't.

I mean, we were on the phone last night.

That's not funny. No, it's not. Because it's true.

Sure. Yeah, I have. I did it with Tricia. Huh? I jacked off on FaceTime with Tricia. What? I jacked off on— I'll say it again. Am I not being clear?

No, you're being too clear, I think.

Why? What's wrong with that? Is that really bad to say?

Yeah, that's like a sin.

What? Wait, now you're freaking me out.

Oh my God, we should cut this out. No, but wait, that is pretty brutal.

Why?

I mean, just to see your naked body. Where did you put the camera down?

Explain.

How did the situation go?

I mean, most of the time, like, the camera's not on my cock. Hardly ever.

Maybe once. Explain this to me for the young kids that are listening.

No, you know, you put the— you put the—

you put—

you—

where did you put— where did you put—

this is where, like, the kid kid's in the car with the parent and the kid is like, oh fuck, he's like, got to— he just turns it off.

Yeah, you know, and the kid's like, trust me, Mom, you'll relate to Jason a lot. He's your age. And then, okay sweetie, I believe you all relate to him. This is when, this is when the kid looks at the mom awkwardly. You've never masturbated on FaceTime, have you?

He wants to, he wants to listen to his, this podcast called Views. I don't know, he says it's clean.

Um, okay, well, I don't want to get into it, but I really do.

No, no, I mean, to be honest, I think it was like, it wasn't when we were dating. It was more like when we were hooking up. And I know it was in Bellingham when I lived in Bellingham and I called her. Yeah. And I don't know if she was out of town.

I know we said this story on the podcast before too, but dude, I cannot get over the one time I walked in on you masturbating. I mean, it was, guys, I'm telling you, one of the best moments of my life. And not for the reasons you would think, but let me just So exactly what happened again, I was at Jason's house. I don't think he knew I was there. And I FaceTimed him and I FaceTimed him from the couch of his living room. And I don't think he saw that I was on the couch. And then I hung up and I hung up and I went right into his bedroom and I just opened the door.

And now I was on the phone. I was like, oh, he's not here. I can jerk off like crazy.

Yeah. I don't know why he masturbated right after my FaceTime call, but now knowing his story about Tricia, it makes sense.

Don't flatter yourself, bro.

He gets turned on when FaceTiming. So I busted in the door and Jason obviously immediately sees me and he goes, David, David, I'm resting. What are you doing? I'm resting. And he screams at me and I'm like, oh, okay.

I'm resting. Sounds like such an old person thing to say.

Yeah. And I leave and I don't say a word. And then 5 days later, 5 days later, we're all sitting around.

David's got his camera and I just see the look in his eye and I hear that click and he's like, okay, you guys, okay, you guys, I want to talk about something like that. And I knew exactly what you're going to bring up. And I was like, fuck, I had to bring it up, bro.

You had to do it to him because you had to do it to him. Are you, are you also changing your age from 45 to 17? Who says that you had to do it to him?

Yeah. What is that? I heard somebody say it.

It's like, yeah, it's a super like it's, it's, it's definitely slang.

It's like a meme. I've heard Jonah say it.

You got to do it to him.

I heard Jonah be like after he does a good video or something like I had to do it to him like that after he does a good video.

My favorite, my favorite, like like catchphrase is, hey, I just spoke to Chief and he said, this ain't it. Yeah, it's like when something doesn't work, people go, this ain't it, Chief.

That hurts when you say that to me. That really hurts.

Yeah. Jason will make a joke and I'll be like, this ain't it, Chief. And he'll be like, fuck you. And then sometimes you get really creative with it and you can pretend to be on the phone and be like, uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, Chief. Okay. Yeah, I'll let him know. And then I'll go to Jason. Yeah, Jason, he just called. He said the same thing.

It is a good one. What about pineapple? Dave's got a new thing now where if I say a joke that he doesn't like and like I'm pitching him something, he just— if he can, he says pineapple to fucking cut me off.

Yeah, I got a new catchphrase because a lot of people end up pitching me things that like, that like are jokes for the vlogs or something. And I don't know, I don't— the problem I do is I entertain it sometimes and I go, okay, let's try it. And then we're trying the bit on my vlog and I already know I'm not going to use it because I don't find it funny.

Well, why do you try it?

Because I feel bad.

Oh, you shouldn't do that with me. I thought for sure you'd just shoot down all my ideas.

No, because sometimes when I shoot down an idea of yours, you go, oh, well, I'm just trying to fucking help. I do that? Yeah, you do that.

Oh my God, I feel so attacked this podcast. You've just been attacking me left and right.

Oh no.

Bro, you shoot down my ideas all the time and I go, yeah, okay.

And that's why I came up with the word pineapple, because I'm like, if I say pineapple, it means I respect you, you're a great person, but that idea isn't just going to work today.

Oh, that hurts more because you did it to me last night. I pitched him an idea. And I go, and he's like, right, I wasn't even done pitching it because pineapple. I was like, fuck you. Exactly.

Exactly.

Just say, just say, this ain't it. This ain't it, chief.

I like that better. Okay, you have a stand-up comedy show coming out.

You're trying stand-up comedy?

Yeah, in January I'm going to do a show, like, out of state somewhere. I think I'm going to try, dude. I can't be relying on you for my entire income. Because if you die or something, you know, like, I really thought about it the other day. Plus, the way you live your life, you know, I just don't know what's gonna happen to you. Sure. Number one, you could be in a car accident because you drive crazy.

Number two, I don't drive necessarily—

you've actually gotten a lot better. You don't drive as crazy anymore. Yeah, at least when I'm in the car. Yeah. And number two, I'm fearful you will, like, lose your mind. Or more likely, number three, just be like, I'm done, and just, like, move back to Vernon Hills and be a real estate agent.

That would be fucking amazing.

See, I know that. I know that about you. So So I'm preparing for that.

But I wouldn't last that long because I love this. Like, I'd literally last 3 days and I'd be like, I'm gonna move back now, this sucks. No, I love, I love this, I love this whole life.

You do love this life?

Yeah, I'm obsessed with it.

Thank God. Thank God. I don't have to do anything. You know, maybe I won't do stand-up in January. No, but I think it's important to like, you know, I've got to figure something out. I can't just rely on you and Tricia and It's Joe. You know, like, I want to do something where I'm like, What do you start off your shows with? I think I'm just going to make it look just like I'm going to talk about just how I got on YouTube and just tell stories along the way.

Oh, cool. So stuff no one cares about.

I guess David won't be coming. The thing is, is you will be coming.

That's the thing too. Yeah.

Just to fucking harass me.

It's so funny. It's like, it's like I go wherever you go and like, it'll be like this. You can go, you can go to like a fish market and like, I'll just go with you.

Yeah, I know. There's lots of times I'm in places and I'm like, I wonder if David could get something out of this. I was at a whorehouse the other night and I—

Don't say that, Tricia will kill you. She knows I'm kidding. Does she? Or were you actually at a whorehouse last night?

We'll see. We'll find out. Wait for tomorrow's video.

No, but that's awesome. I'm glad you're doing stand-up comedy. And we also have a show in Northridge.

Yeah, that's what we really should talk about.

We should talk about the show. It's going to be fun. I don't want to talk about it because who cares about us talking about it? Yeah, our manager keeps texting us like, promote the show, promote the show. Why don't you promote the show, fucking Jack? Jack, if you're listening to this shit, I'm tired of promoting shit. You make an Instagram story and I'll take 15% of whatever you make.

Um, okay, December 2nd, Sunday, in Northridge, California. And it's going to be a really cool show if you live in California because everyone's around. We all live here, so you don't know who's going to show up at the show except Trisha, because she'll be at a different show.

Trisha will be there. 7,000 UK households are still watching TV in black and white. That is insane, Jason.

In Britain?

In the UK. Yeah. 7,000. 7,000. Ain't that crazy?

Oh, we're just gonna pop on the telly for a minute, maybe just see what's on there.

I guess that's so funny because that was so lame. I was about to move on, but I just—

let's stop on it and examine it.

Yeah, I mean, it was just That was worse than that picture you showed me earlier of you.

You did a horrible job promoting the show, by the way. We did.

We did promoting the live show. We did a horrible job. Black and white TVs are so interesting. Yeah, I just don't care.

You know, when you listen to other podcasts, literally at the top, they're like, I'm going to be in Phoenix on April 5th, then I'm going to be at Giggles Comedy Hut on the 7th. Listen to any comedian's podcast.

I got to start listening to other people's podcasts because I have no idea what they're about. This is— guys, if you're ever like— if your friends are ever like, like, what podcast should I listen to? I'm not just being like, like an asshole and saying this. I think they should choose ours because I feel like— no, this is why, this is why. I feel like we have the easiest podcast to like listen to as like an— as a newcomer to podcasts.

Uh-huh.

Because we talk— we don't talk about anything specific and we talk and we like literally the stupidest, most pointless conversations. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I feel like other— like, like if you listen to Joe Rogan podcast, I feel like that's like too smart. This is like right on the nose dumb. Who wants to listen to an intellectual talk about other intellectual things? This is some nice fucking— this is like some backyard shit where you're chilling with your friends and you guys got nothing to talk about and you're pulling shit out of your ass.

This is a guilty pleasure.

This is the number one beginner's podcast is how I'm going to brand this show.

If you're a newcomer to the podcast, I don't know if you're stupid and don't have a lot of patience. This is the one for you. Yeah.

You used to have a podcast, did you? Yeah. Did you think it was good?

I did. I thought it was great.

How different was it from this one?

Um, it was longer. It was probably like an hour, and it was like— it was, it was similar in that, um, it was with my best friend, so we had like a—

oh, what the fuck?

We had a quick relationship. We had a relationship where we like knew each other.

And oh, so different than this podcast. That's not with one of your close friends.

No, I'm saying it's similar. I said it's similar, David.

Well, I heard what I wanted to hear, and I heard enough.

It was fun, but yeah.

Was it a lot slower?

It was more about me, and I would just tell—

Oh, God, that sounds awful. That's why I didn't do well.

Do you know what it was about? We both had kids at the same time, so it was about having kids, and it was about being married and like, then Maureen took me to this place.

I like that, though.

I love it. I loved it. But you don't like that. You always yell at me when I talk about boring shit.

I know. I just feel like I've been mean to you this entire podcast. I just wanted to make it seem like I care about what you talk about.

Did I tell you Wyatt put a piano together by himself?

No, and I don't want to know. This next segment is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. Joe is a guy who gets 25 seconds on every podcast, and he's a mini podcast, and the podcast starts now. He just brought out fucking Blue Moons that aren't even opened. Okay, here we go. And Blue Moons beer. He gave Jason a beer. And go!

Welcome back to Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. I don't have an opener. I didn't tell you to open it. Not yet. Hang on. Guys, I'm going to try a little ASMR. We have a special guest, Jason Nasr. So first off, this is the soothing part of the podcast. I hope you really like this part. This is great. Okay, thank you. Now we have our guest, Jason Nasr. Jason, how's it going? There's a dress code. We're doing all white today. They can't see that, Joe. Did you get the call time?

Okay. And that's it. Joe, I'm sorry. I say this every podcast. I am mind blown at the fact that you stay here 3 hours waiting for us to record this podcast, and that is the performance you give for the 25 seconds.

Jason, isn't that— Write a joke. Maybe write one joke.

Joe, do something.

I have a joke. Can I say it?

Fuck off.

Blake, give me 3 seconds. I promise you'll— What did you think the 25 seconds was gonna do? Joe, you spent 10 of the seconds grabbing the blue moon. Someone in Wisconsin's gonna laugh at my joke, I promise.

Okay, make the fucking joke.

Thank you. So I was in the men's locker room today and I left and I was craving hot dogs.

What's up with that? Get out, get out of my house. Yo, walk out the door and take your Blue Moons with. And honestly, don't bring them next time. There was one more Blue Moon here, take this one too. Wow. Okay, well that was Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast.

By the way, Joe recorded— records his Teeny Weeny Podcast and we don't even record. He videos— he just videotaped that.

Yeah, he videotapes his podcast. I don't know where it goes, but, um, he is videotaping it. He's one step ahead of us. Um, actually, Jack, our manager, called him the other day about the Teeny Weeny Podcast, and I think he's gonna get you brand deals. That would be amazing. Yeah, he's gonna get you jobs. Um, but yeah, other than that, that was absolutely ridiculous.

How much time from the 25 seconds are you gonna devote to an ad?

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I'm up on Cameo, and Josh Peck busted me.

I saw that. So Jason's on Cameo, which is an app where you make, um, where people pay you for shoutouts. Yeah, Jason charges $50 for a shoutout.

I'm taking it down right now.

It's $50. It's $50.

I'm going private on Cameo.

It's $50 for someone to be like, can you wish my friend a happy birthday? And then Jason takes out his phone and goes, Happy birthday, Kristen. Hope you have a good day. It's me, Jason, from the vlog.

That's not what I do. You obviously haven't seen my Cameos.

My Cameos are epic and it's $50 and it's ridiculous because Jason makes a good amount of money now. Yeah. Can we talk about how much money you make? No.

Okay.

Please don't. People will hate me and I will no longer be relatable.

I'm looking at Ferraris for you. Let's just say that yesterday we we were at the Ferrari dealership, my dad was like, are you fucking really going to buy him a Ferrari?

And I was like, wait, what?

I was like, I don't know.

Wait, what?

Oh, I forgot you were here. Never mind. Move on. Keep going. But the point of Cameo is like, there's a big debate.

Can I say something? What?

First of all, I love you, Jason.

First of all, I don't know how to say this without coming off like ungrateful. What? Because I would, you know, I would obviously be the most grateful if you got me a Ferrari. I really would. That's what I would say.

You're a grateful guy. You're grateful for everything.

But the one fear I have is that you just bring me the wrong Ferrari. I know. And that's so like you, is to just bring me the completely wrong one.

I know. But wouldn't that be funny for the video?

I guess. It'd be a $200,000 horrible joke. $250,000. $250,000. No, you see, you're looking at the wrong one.

No, you told me what it was the other day.

Yeah, it's the Ferrari 458 Red Italia with black or tan seats.

Okay, guys.

And all red around. And if there's a glass over the motor or over the engine behind it, that's even better.

I don't know about cars. I don't know what he's saying. Please, audience, if there's a car person, tweet me and I'll love you forever.

Jason, actually, don't fucking surprise me with the Ferrari. What? Wink, wink, wink, wink.

David, you've been a bad boy. I think we have like 5 more ads and the podcast is over.

Oh, fuck. Oh, actually, guys, one of our sponsors for the show is Honey. It's a free browser extension available on Chrome, Firefox, and Safari that effortlessly saves you time and money while you shop online at over 30,000 stores. Honey's mission is to make the world more fair. Below is Honey's mission statement: All things being equal, they are not. At Honey, we believe that everyone deserves equal access to value, yet the current e-commerce system enables unfair advantages and remains largely unquestioned. Every day we're challenging the status quo. We're single-mindedly driven to create a more fair reality, one where the one where the distribution of value is not tipped in favor of any one individual or company. Holy shit, they are really going at it with these big words today. Our community of members are our most valuable assets. Their trust and their unique data they entrust to us are the resources we will use to make the world more fair. Are they taking over the world?

Sounds like Honey is taking over the world, David. We are an— 25% off J.Crew. And listen to what Honey says.

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This is so great. This is really well written.

First of all, each of us holds a multitude of possibilities. I'm about to cry. The multitude is near infinite. I am getting fucking emotional.

I'm getting teared up listening to whoever wrote this.

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Now back to our regularly scheduled—

scheduled podcast. Scheduled. Here we go. Answer or action?

Shit.

Have you ever had to give a speech anywhere? Yeah. You have? Where'd you give a speech?

I gave a speech at my sister's wedding. Really? Last summer.

Yeah. Oh my God.

How was that? It was good. I made two speeches. The first speech, because she got married twice. The first speech I read, and this second one was much better.

What do you mean she got married twice?

Well, she got divorced and now she's married again.

Oh, so you made two different speeches? Yeah. What speech was better?

The second one.

Did you make jokes about how it was her second marriage? No.

No? No. Mine was good. It wasn't funny. It wasn't that funny.

Did you cry?

There's only like one hard laugh.

Did you cry?

I might have. No, no, I didn't cry. But I do cry over my sister.

Oh my God. If I ever had to do a speech, that would be— would you make me the best man at your wedding if you ever got married again? What about Brandon?

Maybe you and Brandon.

Oh, cool. Would I think of a speech? Joe, I don't want to.

Yeah, you'd have to speak.

Oh, then I'm going to pass on that opportunity.

I knew you're going to say that. Why couldn't you get up there and say say something for 2 minutes.

I got a call from Jack. Uh, something came through. Uh, Jason wants you to be the best man at his wedding and give a speech. Uh, let's pass on that.

Why couldn't you put something together even for Trisha? And what if I married Trisha? You're really good friends with her.

No, I could—

I could probably do a son of a bitch. You'd just be editing at the wedding anyway. Well, yeah, we'd be all having a good time.

How are we gonna pay for the wedding?

True, true, dog.

True. That's amazing. 11-year-old Ohio boy takes car on joyride after mom takes away his PlayStation. That's funny. You know, I did that once.

What?

I took my parents' car out without their permission when I was 14.

Holy crap.

Did you get caught? No, I didn't. And you know what was so crazy about it? We were— the car was parked in a busy— I may have talked about this too. The car was parked in a busy, like, parking lot. So I took it out, out of the neighborhood where spots are taken constantly. And I drove it to Barnes Noble to go buy a book. I'm like the most loser delinquent ever. I went to go buy a book with my friend and I was 14, didn't have a license, nothing. Never driven a car before in my life. And I took it. I drove to Barnes Noble and I came back and I parked it right back in the spot. And how lucky I got that spot was still there when I got back. Holy shit. I didn't even realize when I got back, I'm like, oh my God, the spot could have not been here and the car would have just been sitting out in the street and my parents would have been like, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Oh my God.

Yeah, it was bad. Would you ever get caught for— what was the most trouble you got in?

Um, fireworks. We would always do fireworks.

Uh, yeah.

Did you get grounded? Yeah, I would get grounded, but it wasn't—

it was never anything bad. So like, literally, if you got grounded for a week, it would be one week, or would they like let it up after 4 days?

Oh no, it was like one week. It was one week. No video games, no TV, nothing. You can't go outside.

Being grounded was awful. So that's why you went to Barnes Noble to get a book?

Yeah, because I was grounded.

What goes through your mind when you steal a car?

Are you just like not even thinking?

No, I wasn't even thinking.

Are you stressing the whole time? Well, I was with my friend, so we just thought it was so much fun. We were just like, fuck yeah, we're stealing the car. We did a lot of like little stupid shit like that that like looking back was like very irresponsible.

My dad would end me if I did that.

He would have ended me if you stole his car.

If I took his car when I was 14, he would would have fucking murdered me physically. Yeah. Yeah.

So I would never do something like that.

If your son stole your car, what would you do? I'd be like, dog, fucking did you pick me up anything? David's been on my ass about my parenting lately, bro.

You have? Yeah. Because, dude, you're so nice to your kids. Oh, okay. No, that didn't sound as aggressive as I wanted it to be. You're too nice to your kids. You let them get away with too much. Honestly, if you caught your son stealing your car, you'd probably be like, oh, man, we should just get you your own car so you don't have to borrow mine.

Literally, that's what you would do.

I don't believe in punishment.

You're too nice to him. How can you say that? He's like a nearly perfect kid. He literally gets all A's. He goes to jazz band. He wears glasses. I mean, like, what do you want from him?

He wears glasses.

The kid's done enough. He wears his glasses all the time. You try wearing glasses all day, every day.

I used to. I wore glasses all through middle school. Did you get made fun of? Yes, I got made fun of.

You did?

Yeah. What'd they say?

My parents thought—

Hey, Dark Brick. My parents said contacts were too expensive. Oh, yeah, they were $150 a year, which isn't that much.

Seems to be a running theme with you, never having enough money with your parents and as a child. Oh my God, it was everything. Is that why you're so blingy now?

I'm not with your Gucci pants. My Gucci pants? Yeah, right. Guys, we have to end the podcast here. Yeah, it's been a wild ride.

Yeah.

I mean, we have a show coming up. Yeah, we do. So go check that out. It's going to be in L.A.

Yeah, it'll be a good time. And December 2nd, grab some tickets, go to my Twitter. You can get the link there.