How to Make Friends in High School

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason tells me what he's most proud of.

Most proud of my son.

Awesome. Well, what about your daughter?

And obviously, yes, my daughter Charlie.

All right, roll it through music. What's up guys, welcome back to a brand new podcast. Uh, I'm David Dobrik. I'm the younger, the better looking one of the two.

I don't know. No.

How old are you?

I'm not sure if, uh—

Well, you're 44.

Are you younger than me?

Yeah, I'm 21.

I'm 44.

How old are you? 21.

Oh shit.

Yeah.

Okay.

So Jason is the older one.

So still better looking though.

Basically, we're here. Our friends just went out to party.

Yeah, what the hell? I'm already— I would— that's the top— the first thing on my mind too. What are we doing?

I don't know.

Why do we do this podcast? We could be out.

Not only did they just go out to party, they just came back from partying. Jason and I have been shooting literally all day from the morning. Yeah, from the morning we were shooting and then we got home to edit And it was— our friends have been out since the morning, literally since the morning. Yeah, since like 11 a.m. I think they left.

They left early.

They left at 11. That's when we left. That's when we left to shoot. And then they just came back at like 8:30, kind of drunk.

And like, David was trying to get his vlog up and I was like, David, they're pretty drunk right now. You should probably turn your camera on. But he couldn't because he was putting his vlog up.

Yeah. So they're pretty drunk and they came to like change their outfits because I guess they've, they've drank too much in the previous outfits. So after you hit a couple bottles, of alcohol with a certain outfit you have to change. So they all came back to change, and now they literally just went out again. The house is empty. It's just us recording the podcast.

Yeah, Corinna showed up in some sort of Lady Gaga kind of outfit, a long yellow cape. Not that she didn't look good. She looked great.

You know what it felt like? It felt like my kids just came home, and I was like, you guys have no idea what the real world's like. Like, I'm just like, you have no idea what it takes to put food on the table here. That's what it felt like, because they came in and then they fucking left.

It felt like, um, I used to do that all the time, and I get it. Yeah, I was like, go enjoy yourself.

Yeah, me too. I used to do it when I was a kid.

But I don't know why we're here doing this podcast. I mean, does anyone even listen to this thing?

No. And we only have one fucking ad today. What the hell is the point?

I know, I'm not gonna work as hard today because there's only one ad.

No, people actually do listen to it, surprisingly.

No, people do listen to it.

That's—

I shouldn't say that. People are— it's only gotten bigger, actually.

We were getting— we're averaging like 300,000 listeners.

Yes, we are.

Which is a fucking shit ton.

Amazing.

300,000 people. I didn't even know podcasting was a thing till we started.

And some, some good people too, like some older people listen to it, A lot of like, yeah, 'cause fuck the young kids. No, but it's nice.

It's valuable people.

No, it's nice to know that there's like all different ages listening to it. It's got 100%.

You guys get mad at us when we refer to our viewers as like 14-year-olds, 'cause there's a lot of people that are like 28, 35, 40 that are listening.

And the ones who are 16 tend to be really smart too.

So yeah, everybody who's listening except you 14-year-olds, fuck off. No, but everybody listening is great and that's what's awesome. Well, okay, well, I gotta back up our friends here, 'cause we kinda just talk shit about them partying. It is Kristen's birthday.

Yes.

It is Scott's birthday coming up.

Rolling into Liza's birthday.

Rolling into Liza's birthday. So, it's 3 birth— there's 3 different birthdays going on this weekend. So, there's big— this is the busiest month for their livers, 'cause they have like 4 birthdays, and then they have Coachella coming up, which is like fucking— this is what they train for all year. Like, when they go out to party, they're preparing for this fucking month. They're crazy.

And you don't get Coachella.

I don't get—

today, today we were talking about Coachella and the price of the tickets, and you— your eyes rolled the back.

Someone told me they're $1,500 for VIP.

I think they're $1,800.

I'm— what the fuck is that? I told my friend from back home, was like, yeah, maybe I'll come to Coachella. I'm like, yeah, tickets are $400. And he's like, are you fucking serious? No way in fuck. And then I texted him, just kidding, there's $1,600. Um, that's—

but it's 3 days.

It's 3 days, and it's in the desert. And you see Eminem, dude, I don't know, I don't get it at all. I'm sorry, I'm one of those guys, and I know there's fucking concert freaks that are listening to this and they're like, you're so fucking stupid, bro, you gotta get in there. I'm sure people like— listen, personally, I fucking can't stand him, and I just don't see how you can be there that long.

You don't like Eminem, or are you just like concerts?

No, I'm just saying concerts. I love music, like, I love it, but I just can't be anywhere listening to a song for more than you know, 2 songs for an artist. And I guess that's the cool part about Coachella is because you can hop from stage to stage. But I just— I never like that. I never like the outdoorsy, like, events like that. I don't know what it was.

Like to go to the ball game outside?

No, see, I never liked that kind of stuff. Like, from soccer games to carnivals. Like, I, I really like basketball games, like indoor stuff. I really like that. And maybe, maybe some football games at night. That was rare.

But you're out in the world all the time. You're always out shooting your vlog out in the world.

I know. I don't know, Coachella is just strange to me. It's because I, I my— all our friends, you know, they're on Molly, they're on whatever, and it's just like I can't keep up. Like, if I were to do Molly, if I were even had to have a beer, I'd knock out in like an hour, right? But they go literally all day.

Is it like kind of like you, you, you're so used to like being focused on something and doing something and you can't really do anything there?

Exactly. You can't— like, I can't vlog or anything, or like I can't like do work there. It's literally— you just have to— I sound like a psychopath— you literally just have to let loose. And it's kind of crazy because it's a long time to let loose.

Why don't you like to let loose?

I, I'm down to get— I'm down to let loose, but my idea of letting loose is like sitting on the couch and unwinding. It's not going to put effort towards me having fun. Like, I don't want to be— listen, this— I always said it this way: if someone can get me a stage, if someone can get me like a— the softest couch on stage of Coachella, I'd go every fucking year without question. If I can sit on a couch on the stage watching the performers, I'm down. But I just, I don't know. I can't relax. I can't relax. Like, it was just like, it's just like why I didn't like church and why I couldn't be a Catholic anymore. It's because I couldn't stand in church and I just got tired. And I know it's so weird, but like, I have this like weird thing with sitting and I need to be sitting to be relaxed. And I guess I can't do it. I just can't relax. I sound fucking crazy.

You think when you get older you'll be able to relax?

I mean, sure. I don't know how I'm gonna be when I'm older.

Yeah, I think, I think you'll be even worse.

Well, no, when I'm gonna be older, I'm probably— I can relax.

When you're 40, you're not gonna be like, that's able to watch concerts then either. That's not your time.

That's my thing is that I'm also really good at relaxing. Like, when I first moved here, I would sleep for like 15 hours of the day, dude. I'm king sleeper. I can do— I can be the laziest guy on the planet if I wanted to.

Sleep's a great way to avoid your life.

Yeah, it's kind of brutal. It's like I went through like a time where I was just like nothing was going for me, and every time I'd go to sleep, it's literally— it's an escape from reality. Everything's fucking gone. Yeah, and that's why it's so scary. It's like a— it's like a drug. That's what it is. It's just like, fuck, everything sucks.

Were you depressed?

I don't know if I was depressed. No, I don't think so. You were sad all the time? Yeah, a bunch. But I think—

what were you sad about?

Um, I was Vining.

You miss your friends and miss your family and stuff?

No, I was—

no, no, this is like when you first moved to LA, right?

Yeah, no, I was Vining and I, I wasn't— I didn't feel like I was doing enough, right? Like, like I touch upon this on the fucking podcast all the time. I'm like, it's one thing to like, you know, people are always like, just fucking work hard and you'll get— you'll get it, you'll succeed, right? But it's so difficult finding what to work hard at.

Sure.

Do you know what I mean? That's like, once you find it, once you find what— like, what— once you find the thing to put effort into, Then it's fucking, you're smooth sailing. Then you can figure it out. But whatever.

That's besides the point. When I found Vine, I was like, this is it. This is gonna be around forever.

You fucked yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah. When you go to Coachella this year, you gonna be popping pills?

No, no, not for me.

You're going with Trisha. Huh?

Yeah, she's not into concerts that much. She's only going, Trisha doesn't even really wanna go. She just likes to go anywhere I go. Which is really nice and sweet.

Sounds about right.

So yeah, tomorrow we're gonna go down to the county jail and hang out there for a while. No, she just loves to be anywhere I am.

Do you believe in the butterfly effect?

Which Ashton Kutcher's— that he can make a comeback in his career? Is that what you mean?

No, that's not it. Do you believe in the butterfly effect?

I do. I don't know what that is.

You don't know what it is?

But I believe in it.

It's a butterfly flapping. And if a butterfly— this is like the whole theory behind— I think I'm saying correctly, okay? A butterfly flapping its wings in Asia can cause a tornado in America. Do you believe in that theory? That like one little ripple in the ocean can cause like a tsunami?

Uh, I don't, I don't know if a butterfly could cause a tsunami.

Okay, it's a fucking saying. It's basically like, it's basically like Like one little thing that you do right now can impact something in the future drastically.

Yeah, for sure. There could be some kid listening right now to what you just said, and he might be like, you know what, he's right. And then that person could grow up to be the president. Terrorist. Yeah.

He's the worst fucking person ever. He's fucking right, I'm gonna act on my actions.

For sure, I mean for sure there's stuff that—

Let's do an experiment right now.

Okay, try it out.

Say the N-word and we'll see where you are in 10 days.

Okay, uh, here we go.

Okay, if it's for science, here I go. Um, no, but yeah, I guess, I guess I believe in it too. That was just kind of a question, guys. Um, I had my assistant go through a bunch of things on forums of people, um, asking for advice on things.

Sure.

And I'm just gonna read one of them, and we're just gonna give this person advice. I've never done this.

I love when a 21-year-old gives everyone advice. This makes so much sense.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

I dated this guy freshman year of high school. We didn't work out well but stayed friends. A couple of months later, he introduced me to his friends and we started dating. We stayed together for almost 6 years. We have been broken up for 2 years now and the first guy and I started talking again. Is it wrong to date him since he's my ex's friend even if I dated him first? Fuck.

I think you're okay if you dated him first.

Yeah, because he's first.

Yeah, you're safe.

That's easy. Next question.

Next question.

No, you're good. I mean, I don't think it's like a bad thing. Here, this is a better one. Hi, I'm extremely shy and quiet. Everyone will be in their groups talking and I will be there by myself and it sucks. I want to be more outgoing, but the thing about me is that I don't have anything meaningful to say. Then don't expect me to say anything at all. I don't want to change who I am, but I want to make more friends and get closer to students in my class. Can you tell me how to? Oh, that's kind of— that's kind of tough.

It's kind of sad.

Yeah.

When I was younger, I had a joke book.

Bullshit.

Yeah, I had a joke book because I moved to a new town and I didn't have any friends, so my mom got me this joke book.

And then your mom wrote it. It's just all insults about you.

Walk in a room, "Hi, I'm Jason and I'm fat and ugly." "Mom, you sure this is gonna work?" "Yes, sweetie, just give it a shot, honey." No, and then, and then the kids found the joke book, so So it made it even worse.

Where did you have the joke book?

I stupidly just had it like underneath my desk. And then, and then I lied. I was like, it's not mine, it's not mine. And they're like, you got a joke book, you're trying to make, you know, you're trying to make us laugh with your joke book, it's so lame.

Oh, you would steal jokes from there and tell them to people?

I, I never even got to do it. I like got the joke book and I was like, this is it, man, this is gonna get me in, you know, people are gonna love me.

What grade were you in? Eighth. Freshman year of college. Um, okay, and it didn't work?

It didn't work. So be careful, whoever asked that question. Hide the joke book. Did you—

did you have a lot of friends in college?

Yeah, I had the best friends in college.

Did you have a— were you a quiet kid? Sorry, that's what I meant.

No, I wasn't quiet. I was really loud. Ah, really loud. But I could sympathize with people who are quiet. And all I can say is, um, it kind of just happens. Just find— don't try to be with people that aren't— that you don't fit in. Don't force anything.

Yo, my biggest fear in college, from high school to college, was— is like, I'm, I'm, I'm pretty good. Like, I can, one of my like, I think qualities about me that I kinda like and I hate is I can be friends with whoever I kinda like attach myself with.

Sure.

Like my friends and I from back home really—

You're a bit of a chameleon.

Yeah, they're a bunch of random kids and the only reason we're all friends is 'cause we live by each other, but we've just learned, we've just grown up with each other at this point, so we're all friends. Do you know what I mean?

Sure.

And like one of my biggest fears is when I was going to college, I was like, I don't wanna, like if I fucking fall in with the wrong group, like that's that. Those are the kids that are gonna be at my fucking wedding. Like, if I do a random roommate and he's a fucking drug dealer, this is me, this is my fucking life now. Like, this is who I'm gonna be, and that was my biggest fear. It's 'cause like, I feel like I'm scaring a lot of people for college, but like, the people you're in school with in college, those are the people, you know, 40, 50% of the time that are gonna be at your wedding later. And that's pretty scary.

Why? Why is it scary? It's kind of nice. I mean, I get— were you walking around like being really careful about who you were friends with?

No, I mean, I didn't really even go to college. I went to community college.

When you got to LA though, were you kind of like really picky about who you—

no, no, not at all—

shared time with?

No.

So you didn't follow it at all?

No.

Even though you were worried about it?

No, I— it was fine. It wasn't that big of a problem for me.

Having college friends is really nice. I'm sad for you that you didn't get to go to college.

Okay, the advice, the advice— well, hold on, let's talk about that.

You did in a way.

I don't feel sad about that at all. It's fucking— it's such a It's such bullshit. It's fucking— this is my entire life. Like, I would make these choices, I feel like, and every time I would be met with things like, from my parents, like my parents would be like— I'm like, I fucking hate piano. I don't want to play piano anymore. They'd be like, you're going to regret it when you're older. And like, I don't want to play soccer anymore. You're going to be bummed out when you're older.

You're not older yet.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

No. Yes, I am. And then prom night, prom night, everybody in school Holy shit, David's not going to prom? He's missing out on the biggest fucking night of his life. And it's just like, I still don't—

But wait, we are 21. You're not older. You're not in your 30s yet. What they're saying is that time hasn't come yet. So when you're 30, you're gonna look back and you're gonna go—

Let's redo this podcast in 10 years.

That's fine. I'm not saying I'm right, but I'm saying it could be. Like, think about it. Like, you've done so much already. It's like a kid actor. Not to compare you to a kid actor. But imagine like a, uh, a kid actor does really well, right? He's on a set and he's got everything. Let's— Justin Bieber. Let's take Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber had everything so fast. You told me the other day he's retired.

I don't know, he doesn't make music anymore.

Okay, fine. So he's taking some time. Like, what the fuck does he do with his life? Like, what, what's gonna make— we were just talking about this outside, I'm not gonna bring it up, but what's gonna make you happy? And Marnie was talking about this with me the other day where she wanted to take the kids off the internet. I was like, I was like, yeah, but like I have fun making videos. And like, oh, and maybe, maybe, you know, like Wyatt will start doing music on the internet and he'll, he'll have an income. And she's like, I don't, I don't want him to miss this time now. I want him to just be a kid now. So that's what a lot of people try to say.

Wow. Yeah, I never looked at it in that stupid fucking way.

I finally thought I was getting through to you. No.

And then no. It makes sense. It makes sense. I mean, but that's such a— that's just a weird—

I, I hate trying to think what I regret. Like, I hear I'm of age that where I can regret— I mean, I regret a lot of stuff, but like, yeah, like, okay, here's what I regret.

What you probably— something from yesterday.

The muffin I had this morning. No, when I was like 20, 23, um, I was living in New York and didn't have any money, and my friend was going to Italy, and my other friend was like, let me, let me, let me give you the money to go to Italy. Italy. And I was like, no, I'm not gonna do that.

For a trip or to move there?

It's just for a trip. Oh, okay. Go, go spend— she was there— go spend 2 weeks with her and him, just my friend, and hang out in Italy. I didn't go, and I'm sorry I didn't go because I've still never been to Italy.

Go to Italy tomorrow.

I, I can't. I have kids. And, and you can't.

So the regret sinks in when you get kids.

Yes. So if I just avoid that for as long as I can— no, but I, you, you can't. I'll never have the experience of being 23 and being on the coast of Italy. I'll never ever ever be able to have that experience again. If I went now, my fucking gut is fat, I got a bad back.

I do get that.

It's not the same.

I get that, but I think it's—

I have to take Trisha with me, we have to stay in a really bougie place.

We have to have sex 5 times a night.

Yeah, 5 times a day.

I understand that argument, but I also, I think it's so stupid, and I think it's a childish argument. It's like the whole Justin Bieber thing.

Right.

I think it's, I hate when people say, Yeah, but he can't live a normal life. I don't like that at all. Oh, what?

You can't go to the store and pick out grapes. He can't do it.

He can't go. You're right. I understand that.

To touch the fruit, David. That's everything. To be able to put the lemon up to your nose and go—

To be able to rub it by your ballsack.

And then put it back and hide in the corner and wait for another lady to come on and also touch it and laugh to yourself.

It's the best part. No, I think it's such an equal trade. I think it's a— okay, Justin Bieber can't go to the grocery store and pick out his grapes, but he can go to fucking Malibu in a helicopter, and he can rent 6 helicopters for 30 of his friends to fly down.

Right.

Which—

It's a good trade-off.

It's an insane trade-off, and it's not fair.

But after you've flown your friends in helicopters 6 times, Don't you want to go fucking smell the grapes?

You know what it is? It's, it's like when, when someone— I've been around YouTubers where like people come up and ask for pictures with them.

Yeah.

And like, sure, sometimes there's— it's not the right time to ask for a picture from a YouTuber because they're busy. But like, I'll be around a YouTuber and they'll, and they'll be asked to take a picture, and then right after they'll be like, goddamn, it's so fucking annoying.

All right.

I'm like, I literally can never find like that argument to make sense.

You signed up for this.

I'm like, dude, like, stop fucking creating videos, return your millions of dollars.

Yeah.

And go live your fucking regular life. It's just not— it's not a regular— I don't like the argument.

Like, sometimes people ask me, they go, do you— someone asked me for a picture and I'm like, yeah. And then they'll go, do you like when people ask you for pictures? And I always feel bad because I go, oh yeah, I love it, because I do.

Yeah. No, I mean, I mean, that's one thing too. And it's just like, it's just part of the job.

Yeah.

It's— I, I don't know, I I understand how, like, Justin Bieber didn't get to go to college and didn't get that experience, right? But he got an— he got an experience that no one on fucking planet Earth will get.

That's true.

And like, for him to be jealous of other people, it's just like— it's like, I understand it. And if he talks about it and if he complains about it, I'd be like, yeah, dude, that sucks. But like, that's all I would say. I wouldn't be like, that's not fucking fair, bro. You deserve to go to college and be in debt every year. You deserve that shit. Like, that's not like It sucks, but at the same time, it's not worth more than complaining about for 30 minutes. It's pretty fucking dope as hell what he gets to do.

We went, when Steve-O came and did your video the other day.

Yeah, Steve-O came and it was in one of my vlogs. Fucking Steve-O and Jackass.

And I don't know what I was thinking, but I didn't get a picture with him. And then Wyatt really wanted a picture with him, but he was like leaving and he had his dog. And then he did, anyways, he was like walking out, he was in his car. I'm like, Wyatt, do you want a picture? Like, do you want to get one? Like, this is your chance. And then he was like, he was like, no, I don't want to bother him because I don't like when people bother us.

And I was like, oh wow, your 11-year-old son, your 11-year-old son just wants to be a regular kid.

Hey, why, why, why are so many YouTubers broke? Did you hear that conversation here the other day?

Yeah, there's a lot of— there's a lot— I've heard of a lot of YouTubers.

How do they go broke?

Because I don't fucking know. I don't know the answer. Because our friends are horrible at spending money. Like, they spend it like crazy. Yeah, so I— there must be another level that we're not seeing. Um, I think they buy hookers, they buy drugs, they do the whole thing. Like, they take trips, they take private jets, they buy cars. They don't buy houses, they just rent these expensive fucking places. That's what— that's what happens, I think.

And then they stop posting.

And then they stop posting, or they fall off. I mean, which is normal.

Oh God, you know what?

Okay, so let me talk about this. Steve-O was in the vlog the other day. Steve-O, you know, can I— can I actually save the Steve-O talk? Because— why? Because one of the most important things for me is Blue Apron. Because it's the— it's the leading meal kit delivery service in the US. And while many people know what we do, what they don't know is the types of meals you eat when you cook with Blue Apron. You're not just having burgers for dinner, you're making short rib burgers with a hoppy cheddar sauce on a pretzel bun. You're preparing seared steaks in thyme pan sauce with mashed potatoes, green beans, and crispy shallots, and all under 45 minutes and without a trip to the grocery store.

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meals that serve 2 people choose from 8 new recipes per week with the choice to receive either 2 or 3 recipes any week. The family meal plan, which meals that serve 4 people choose from 4 new recipes per week with the choice to receive either 2 or 3 recipes any week.

And the wine plan— that's new.

They must have added this for Jason. It's 6 bottles of wine from renowned winemakers delivered 6 bottles a month, or the Super Wine Plan, which is 6 bottles a day. No, I'm kidding, there's no Super Wine Plan. But, um, guys, use, use our meal code, it's VIEWS. Blue Apron is treating VIEWS listeners to $30 off your first order if you visit blueapron.com/views. Check out this week's menu and get your $30 off at blueapron.com/views. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Basically, Blue Apron's amazing.

We have it here all the time. Who comes to your house? Not just for the podcast, but some of the other guys order it. Yeah, our friend— Kristen makes it all the time.

Our friends order it all— this is fucking serious, and this isn't even on the script. Our friends actually order it all the time and make their own food.

Kristen made bao the other day.

She made tacos.

It's not— David, it's not a taco.

Sorry.

It's a Korean taco. Oh, I don't know. And it's a bao.

What do I know?

B-A-O, say it with me.

Bao. Bao.

And it's like this doughy— it is sort of like a taco, but it's a white doughy thing, and inside is meat. Blueapron.com.

It's delicious. That's views. OK, back to Steve-O. So Steve-O came over the other night to our dry ice shoot. Steve-O, if you don't know, he's from Jackass.

Tell everybody what you did in case they don't watch the videos.

Oh, I put 10,000 pounds in a swimming pool. Sorry, 10,000 pounds of dry ice inside a swimming pool. And then Steve-O jumped from a 2-story house off the chimney into the pool. And he did a front flip. And you couldn't even see the pool because the smoke was everywhere. So it was a fucking insane, it was an insane stunt. And Steve-O's from the show Jackass, that's where you gotta start, where they just fucking do crazy shit. They just hurt each other, destroy each other. And he came by and we were all setting up the dry ice and he was sitting there with his dog. And like he had his glasses on, he had like a cashmere sweater on, and like a nice pair of jeans and flip-flops. Just looking like a regular dad. Yeah, like looking like he just came across the street because he was wondering what was going on. And I went over to him with my camera.

This is—

I didn't know, I didn't think he was going to do any stunt. I thought he just came to watch because he liked Dry Ice. So I'm like, yeah, come by. And, um, and I'm like— and I went up to him as a joke and I'm like, so Steve-O, I think we're gonna have you jump from that roof over there. And Steve-O goes, yeah, well, I've been looking at it and I think the shingles— the shingle— I want to be careful with where I step You can't float on the shingles, because they may break. And I'm like, what? And he's like, yeah, the shingles, they may fall off the roof. And I'm like, OK. And I didn't know he was actually fucking— he was already mapping it out in his head how he was going to jump off this roof. And that blows my— he's 40— I think he's 42 years old.

It was so amazing what he did. And it was like if you got LeBron James there, and you were like, oh, LeBron, can you dunk on Scott? For a joke, and he's like, yeah, sure. And for Steve-O, it was like, can you jump off this 2-story building? That's how easy it was for him. But it was incredible. And every time I watch the video, I go, I lose my stomach. I can't even believe he just did it.

Yeah, you guys gotta see I Can't Believe He Did It. Today, what we did in the video, this actually, I just posted this 10 minutes ago. You guys have probably already seen it. I don't know if you guys watch the videos. But we got an ice cream truck, and we tried kidnapping our friend, our friend's brother. By being like, "Hey man, we have free ice cream. Come get some." And he didn't want to fucking take the ice cream.

He did good.

He did so good.

Yeah. So amazing.

And the ice cream driver was like, "Come on, man. It's great ice cream. I watched your videos. I know who you are. Come in the truck. Come help me with this ice cream." And he left and he cried, and he went away and he cried. I didn't know he cried, but yeah, but we were fucking—

He cries a lot.

Yeah, he cries a lot. But we were really happy that that was— and he was very excited at the end too because we ended up giving him ice cream. So he got the free ice cream and he was safe. But no, I think, I think that's, that's another fun thing we did this week. What about you, Jason?

Me? Well, I'm taking yoga again. The other day there, a robin landed, dude, on my front porch.

I'm reading different topics we can talk about.

I sat and looked at the robin for a while.

I just let Jason talk about the stupidest shit. And I'm sorry, the robin had— this is where you guys tune out.

And one red eye. And I'd never seen that in a bird before. Yeah.

Here we go. This is another question someone asked us. About 2 months ago, I began texting a girl who goes to my school. She's beautiful. I had a hard time getting the nerve to talk to her at school, but I eventually texted her and asked her out. She said no, saying that she didn't feel the same way. I was crushed because I thought we were going really well and have a lot in common, but I figured that I should remain friendly because I don't want to be rude and cut her out because it's a small school and I see her frequently. We still text on Snapchat frequently. I thought I was moving on, but we just had a school dance several days ago and she looked amazing, and I realized that I was not over her. I don't know what to do. It feels like I don't want to move on. Is there any advice that you have for me? This is a move-on question. How do you move on from somebody?

You gotta—

Jason, you've done it like 18 times.

Probably, probably just get into somebody else. Really? Yeah, find someone else, even if they're not as good as the person that you liked. You'll find better qualities.

Dude, one of the fucking scariest things actually happened to me. I was— this isn't scary at all, I don't know why I'm saying it like that, but I was at my apartment and this girl came to hook up with Dom, my roommate, and Dom ended up actually hooking up with one of her friends, and he was in the room hooking up with her and she was sitting on the couch, and I'm like, what are you, what are you doing here? Like, why are you here to hook up with Dom? Like, he's kind of gross. Like, you're gonna go out with better guys.

Sure.

Because that's how I hype up all my friends.

Yeah.

And she's like, He was like, I recently just got out of a relationship, and the best way to get over someone is to get on top of someone. And I was like, oh, fuck. Oh. I was like, that's fucking intense.

That's good advice then.

Yeah.

I mean, not for our friend. Is our friend a boy?

No, I don't know. Definitely don't go hook up with someone. Don't go have sex with someone. I don't know. How did you get over your ex-wife?

How did I get over her? I, I, I filed a divorce. Yeah, I packed my stuff and I went and had a milkshake. No, no, no, I mean, that's a bad example. No, I, I—

How did you get over a relationship that you didn't want to end?

You know, honestly, the only thing I can say is it just takes time. You have to just sit in this awful feeling for weeks and maybe a month, but everything will go away.

But every human does it. That's—

yeah, you gotta cut it off. You can't even look at her. Don't be nice to her. Even if you're— even if your instincts start to be like, oh, pretty dress, you look really pretty today, don't say that.

You think—

yeah, don't perpetuate that in your mind. You've got to completely get yourself off of her. Don't even think about her. Get into a hobby, volunteer. Do not think about this girl. You got to cut it out, man. It's like— it's like a drug.

I'm gonna cry. It's like, man, when she texts you at midnight, don't fucking answer it. She's a tease.

Don't you think you gotta cut it out? You gotta literally like just—

you think?

Got to. It's the only way. What would your advice be?

I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I, I, I— you're like, I don't—

you've never— you've never been really into somebody?

I, I think it's, um, yeah, I mean, you've never been really into somebody and they didn't want you? No, no, I mean, of course, like, okay, so then what'd you do?

That was my high school, like, that was like, okay, what did you do? I never, I never confronted the girls. I was never like, I like you.

Oh, you never even put yourself out there?

No, I never put myself out there.

So this guy's a lot braver than you.

No, I mean, but, but to— I, I also, like, if I would have put myself out there and they would have said they didn't like me, I wouldn't have had a hard time getting over them because I would have been I would have never— I've never dated someone for a while and then been like heartbroken in that sense.

You've never been heartbroken that someone didn't want you? Ever? I mean, you really are a big narcissist, aren't you?

No, I've just genuinely never put myself out there like that. Like, I've never had like— in high school, there was never like a girl where I was like, yeah, I really fucking— I really like you.

I see a theme here.

What is it?

Yeah, you don't put yourself out there too much because you don't want to get kicked. To the ground.

I don't want to get hurt.

Yeah, in general, I feel like you don't put yourself out there too much.

Wow, that's fucking real.

You really, really play it close, and, and you calculate every move, because there's been times— nice— where things are, I'm like, let's do this, and you're like, nope, don't even want to try that.

What do you mean?

Like, I've asked you to do things maybe video-wise or stuff where you're like, nope, that's too annoying, I'm not gonna do that.

Oh, like, okay, yeah, I don't want to make—

yeah, I don't want to look stupid. Yeah, you have a big fear of looking stupid.

Yeah, of course.

Did you ever— what was the last time you looked stupid? Something traumatic happened to you?

What's this? I was thinking about this the other day, is one of my favorite parts about my, about my childhood, I guess I would say, is people always set me straight. So like when I would make a joke and it wasn't funny, people be like, dude, that's not fucking funny, you're being annoying. Like this would happen to me constantly, like constantly. And it would happen so often that I was like, I was working on it. I was like realizing what was annoying. And there was friends around me, there was kids around me that were being annoying. But no one set them straight, or like they didn't take direction from other people. So someone would be like, shut the fuck up, you're annoying. But it would— it just wouldn't click. When someone would tell me that, I'd be like— when someone would call me annoying, I'd be really hurt by it, and I'd take it and I'd be like, okay, what did I do and what shouldn't I do next time? Ah, and like, and I think that's like what shaped a lot of me is like I, I learned from a lot.

Who called you annoying?

Oh fuck, my teacher.

Your teacher?

Yeah.

What would your teacher say?

I had a teacher who, who's I was like talking over him one day, and he's like, David, one day when you stop thinking you're better than all of us.

Jokes on him. Look at me now, motherfucker.

So one day when you stop thinking you're better than all of us, you're going to realize— and it was so— and everyone in my class was going to realize what? I don't even remember, because I just fucking tuned out the second he said it. It was like a grenade went off, and it was just like this ringing in my ear. 'Cause I turned fucking red. And even everyone in my class, like, it wasn't like, oh, it was like, whoa, what the fuck?

Silent. Yeah, like it was really cutting.

Like it was, you know, he, this is the one teacher, I think maybe there was two teachers in my entire lifetime that didn't like me. This teacher fucking despised me. Like I know because he would even go to like teachers' workrooms and he would tell the teachers that I'm friends with.

Really?

And those teachers would tell me, yeah, he doesn't fucking like you.

Really?

Yeah, he just didn't like me at all.

Did you act up a lot in class though? Be honest.

No, I didn't act up in class. He just knew of me, and he knew my reputation, and he was not fucking having it.

You're not gonna have it.

Yeah.

I'm not gonna lie, not in my class.

And that's totally fine, because that's— and that was an important part.

Sure.

Is that conversation, the conversations I would have with him, sitting me down and making me feel like a piece of shit. Those are important. It's important to be made fun of when you're a kid. It's important to— Sure. Feel embarrassed and like, just like, just like it goes along with like being disciplined as a kid by your parents. Like, it's like, it's so, it's the fucking most uncomfortable moments that shape you, I think.

So for our friend here, that's, you know, that's good that he's going through this.

Yeah, it's fucking kick-ass.

It gives you character. Dude, it really does.

Every time, every time I read the stupid-ass quote, it's always like, failures are the best way to learn or some shit, you know, like you don't You don't learn anything if you don't fail, right? I always smile because it's like so true. It's so true. It's like you gotta fucking fuck up, and like things have to not go your way to learn. Like, that's the best way to learn is to fuck up and like be embarrassed.

And remember, you're a teenager and you can just— you live for free with your parents. Like, just go watch TV.

Oh dude, guys, if you're a teenager, great. If you're a teenager, let me remind you of this. Like, you can literally— like, when I turned 18, I was like, fuck, I should have done a lot more crazy things. You can do a lot of stupid shit. Like, genuinely, don't, don't hurt anybody. Don't No, fuck it. Like, you can, you can do stupid shit. I'm not— don't hurt anybody, but, but, but be, be a goof, you know?

Like, David incites a riot. I want you to go down tomorrow.

I guess there isn't like—

light all the cars on fire in your school parking lot.

Maybe there isn't like a nice way to say this where I wouldn't be like causing like kids—

well, what's a fun thing they could do and not get in trouble?

I don't know. I'm trying to think about it.

I mean, you could steal a pack of cigarettes.

Don't steal. Okay, I never stole. I— okay, this is what I would do. I would— we'd always light off fireworks.

Okay, and what are they gonna do?

You know what, go ding-dong ditching. Do that.

You could do that.

Ding-dong ditch.

Because I don't know if they'd arrest you for that even if you're over 18, but it's fucking weird if you're over 18.

Be a kid, go ding-dong ditching. My favorite— what we would do, we would do is Code Red, and it's where you ring the doorbell and everyone lays down on the front lawn. And then you yell code red when they open the door and you just run. Or like we'd play chicken. So like everyone would lay down and the last one to get up and run is like the winner.

Really?

Yeah, so just do stupid things like that. Like enjoy your, I don't know, enjoy your, don't do fucking drugs. It's stupid. You have all the time in the world to try drugs. Don't do it when you're a kid.

Yeah, don't do drugs because—

Because that builds shitty fucking habits.

Yeah, it makes everything really easy and then you don't You don't develop like social skills because you're just high.

There's no point.

There's no point in drugs. And the other thing is, this is— you don't like drugs, and so don't do them.

Yeah, drugs are awesome. Don't do it. No, no, drugs— you're gonna fucking live for a while, and drugs are gonna be around forever. And you can do drugs when you're older and you have a better mindset. Right now, as you're a kid, do stupid safe shit that would normally get you in trouble as an adult, but you're just a cute kid, so you can get away with stuff.

Yeah, like my kids, like, they, they love— they just enjoy like the really simple things. And like, even if you like cut someone off, like, even if I do something slightly illegal, they get upset with me. Yeah, because they're just enjoying a simple life.

Yeah, 100%. And that's what you guys gotta do. My friend used to steal cigarettes and that pissed me off so much. Oh yeah? Yeah, he was fucking 12 years old.

Was he a smoker?

Yeah, he smoked cigarettes when he was 12.

A bunch, huh?

I'm like, what the fuck is that?

What was his home life like?

Home life?

Yeah, do you have good parents or no? Just acting out?

He wasn't acting out for his parents, but he didn't have like the best parents. His parents were divorced, you know. He was going through that. He's going through the Midwest suburb crisis.

What'd you think of Chicago when you were back?

What do you mean? Do you think it changed?

Yeah, has it changed since you were— since you ran the city? Is that right? You were mayor?

No, I think Chicago— Chicago's still so kick-ass.

It's still great, huh?

Dude, there's something so cool about growing up in the suburbs of any town. It's so magical. Like, like One of my favorite parts about high school is, is I went to Vernon Hills, and you'd know your rivals, and everyone would know their rivals. Like, that's what I thought was cool, right? It's like, oh, fuck Libertyville, fuck Mundelein, fuck Stevenson. Like, like these schools around you, and everyone was like so on top of it. Like, that high school pride was like my favorite part. Yeah, it's like when you went to a football game, you saw a kid from Stevenson, you'd be like, don't even look at me.

What was something from the, the kids from Stevenson that would piss you off? Like, what were they like? Were they like the rich kids?

They were the rich kids.

Okay, what would they do?

It's a big school and there's a They were just jockier, they were better looking.

They were better looking over in—

'Cause there was more.

Stevenson?

'Cause there was more of them.

Bigger school.

So the top of the class was bigger, like it was a thicker group of good looking kids.

Sure.

Right?

Sure. And probably had a better team.

And yeah, they had a, yes, of course they had a better team. They killed it in everything.

Really?

So they were like those guys. They were like the fucking—

So like per capita, there was like probably people made more money if you lived in Stevenson.

Yeah.

And they had nicer cars.

Yeah, they had nicer cars, they were more spoiled.

And like, if you were to see somebody from Stevenson from the mall, like, what would you say?

Spit on them.

Shut up.

No, no, it was— it wasn't like that. You wouldn't— you wouldn't like— this wasn't like turf wars, like we weren't gangs, right? But you'd be like, oh, those kids are from Stevenson. Like, you wouldn't— you wouldn't like even—

yeah, I guess if you guys would play Stevenson and then you'd go like your clique of friends, would you guys like catch shit if you were on their turf? They'd be like, get the fuck out of here.

No, get out of here. One time I have— I have actually a story about, um, We had a security guard in, um, this was my freshman year of high school, I think. Um, there's a kid walking over from the other side of like the, of the, of the field, right? And our— he was wearing the other team's like colors or whatever, and our security noticed that he looked a little suspicious, and he walked over to him and he, he patted him on the back, and he found out he had a bulletproof vest on.

Whoa. Yeah, from Stevenson.

Yeah, no, I don't know what school it was. And then he like fucking like stopped him, and in his coat there were like 10 different knives, and he was coming over to stab people in our student section. Yeah, and our one like one security guard was just like fucking had an eye for this guy.

He just had it, huh?

Yeah, and he just, he went over to him, tapped him on the back, and he's like, something's not, something's not right with this guy.

Love stories like that.

Yeah, how fucking dope is that? How dope is that? Saved a bunch of kids. That's sick. That's badass.

He had like a— he had a sixth sense.

Shout out to you, Vernon Hills High School, for fucking being on the top constantly. We number one. Fuck Stevenson.

We love to end the podcast where David just, uh, talks trash about the other towns and talks up Vernon Hills. So go ahead now, David, here's your time to talk up your old high school.

Fuck my life. No, no, every, every, every school in Illinois I love because I, I'm such a sucker for every, every, everybody in my high school. I love even the teacher that was mean to me. I love, I love everything. I'm such a fucking little bitch when it comes to my high school. But yeah, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Make sure you guys like, subscribe, tweet me @DavidOberk, tweet him @JasonNash, tweet us more podcast topics. We love it. Tweet us, tweet us like long situations of like, of like intricate problems you're having and we can help you solve them.

Yeah, I've been through a lot, guys, and I can really help. Yeah, and obviously I'm a huge success. Yeah, my life's gone exactly as planned.

Jason's fucking made it now, guys. So take it from someone who's just fucking seen it all and just is living right now.

And go check out David's new line of clickbait merch. It's really nice.

It's great. It's great.

I've got it.

I'm very happy about it. Sweatpants, booty shorts. If you're a guy, you're gonna love the booty shorts because they're fun. If you're a girl, you're definitely gonna love them because that's like a girl thing is booty shorts.

David's been getting a lot of compliments on his legs in the clickbait booty shorts.

I'm loving it. I'm fucking loving it.

My girlfriend's been saying.

All right, we'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff. Bye, guys. Bye.